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Perfectly Lacking

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It took quite a while for Tang Yi to notice that something was off. Meng Shao Fei was always loud, clumsy and cheerful. But for weeks, maybe months, now he had been quiet. He even walked more slowly than usual, he sat still and talked very little. He even dressed in quiet and colourless clothing. 

Meng Shao Fei used to be loud everywhere and bed was no exception. He chased new heights of pleasure with his lover, he was a bit shy, that was true, but he used to be active nonetheless and never quiet. But for weeks he had been different and almost distant. He still was ready to give Tang Yi pleasure, but did not seem interested in receiving it. 

It was Saturday evening and Tang Yi was hosting a small dinner for a few friends. He noticed that Shao Fei said very little during the dinner, he was polite, but his voice was overly calm and soft. He sat unnaturally still on his seat until he knocked over his wine class. It was the most Shao Fei thing to do but it was the indicator for Tang Yi that something was definitely wrong. Shao Fei did not laugh it off, like he normally did, but looked Tang Yi in alarm and started to apologise in small and scared voice. Was Shao Fei scared of Tang Yi? That can’t be. Shao Fei had not been scared of him, not even when everyone else was. Not even when Tang Yi shot him. He couldn’t be scared that Tang Yi would scold him for some spilled wine? 

Tang Yi shot a confused look towards Shao Fei but did not ask anything. He helped to clean the table and tried to give a gentle squeeze on Shao Fei’s shoulder, to assure him, but he could feel Shao Fei flinch under his touch. 

After dinner Hong Ye pulled Tang Yi aside, while Shao Fei was taking other guests to the front door. 

“ Tang Yi, what’s with Shao Fei?” She asked.

“ I don’t know. He hasn’t been himself lately.” 

“ Tang Yi, care to explain to me why your boyfriend looked like he was scared to get beaten up.” Her voice faltered at that. “ You would not hurt him, would you?” She asked. 

“ What on earth are you thinking about?” Tang Yi was outraged. “ You think I’m abusing Shao Fei?” 

“ He’s a police officer who run after a mob boss. He’s not scared of anything really, is he? But he looked like he’s scared of his own boyfriend. A man who he lives with. I can’t think of another reason for that.” 

“ I most definitely do not abuse Shao Fei. I - I love him.” He uttered the last words in a quiet voice. “ I’m worried about him. He’s not himself. Have not been for a while, now that I think of it.”

“ Talk to him, you stupid man!”

“ I will, so get out woman, and take good care of yourself.” Tang Yi took her to the door. 

Once all the guests had left, Tang Yi turned to his boyfriend.

“ We need to talk.” He said and to his huge surprise Shao Fei went completely pale and started trembling. 

“ I - I understand. I’ll just - just pack my things. Don’t w-worry I’ll be out before you know it.” Shao Fei stuttered and turned towards the stairs leading to their bedroom. Tang Yi was stunned, but only for a moment.

“ Shao Fei! What are you talking about? What is going on in that head of yours?” He almost shouted, but not quite since Shao Fei seemed oddly fragile and small, standing there on the first step of the stairs. 

“ Y-you want to b-break up with me, right?” He said in a small voice. Tang Yi didn’t quite believe what he heard.

“ What gave you that expression?”

“ I tried, I really tried, Tang Yi. But I- I’m just so clumsy and stupid, I can’t even have a glass of wine without spilling it all over the table. I’m so sorry, I couldn’t be someone suitable for you.” Tears were spilling to Shao Fei’s cheeks and he sat down on the stairs, shaking uncontrollably.

“ You think I’m going to break up with you because of some spilled wine? Are you crazy? Yes, you are clumsy, but who cares? It’s cute, Shao Fei!” This time Tang Yi did shout.

“ Huh?” 

“ Yes, your clumsiness is cute! You are cute! And you are not stupid, far from it.” Tang Yi went over to Shao Fei and pulled him into his arms. He lifted Shao Fei up and carried him upstairs. 

“ I have no intention to let you go, my Shao Fei. And I have no intention to let you off the hook with this conversation, I want to know what made you into a mess like this.” Tang Yi gently laid Shao Fei down on their bed and sat down beside him. “ You have been acting really weird for some time now. What is going on?”

“ Y- you’re not going to throw me out?” Shao Fei questioned in an unsteady voice. Tang Yi kissed Shao Fei’s forehead and shook his head.

“ Never, you silly boy, never.” He said softly and raked his fingers through other man’s hair. 

 

Shao Fei looked into Tang Yi’s dark eyes. He could not believe the honesty in his eyes, when he said he would never throw Shao Fei out. For months now he had slowly sank into dark thoughts and insecurities had taken over his whole mind. His co-workers were really worried for their beloved colleague. He worked hard and did not mess up as often as before, but his silent, sad calmness was really worrisome. Shao Fei had tuned down his whole personality. He felt inadequate, both mentally and physically. 

Right now he felt so unsure and confused. His own dark thoughts were strong and whispers who told him he would never be enough, were loud inside his head. But he could hear Tang Yi’s words and the sincerity in them too. 

“ I don’t know what to say.” He finally said. 

“ Would it be easier if I’d ask you questions and you just answer them?” Tang Yi asked. He kept stroking Shao Fei’s hair. Slowly Shao Fei nodded. 

“ Well first of all, why I are you so quiet all the time?”

“ Me being so loud is embarrassing to you.” Shao Fei answered in such a small voice, Tang Yi could hardly hear it. 

“ Ah, well, yes sometimes it’s embarrassing, but listen to me, Shao Fei. I love you. I fell in love with a loud wrecking ball crashed through my world and turned my life upside down. I would not have it any other way. Plus I don’t know anything sexier than a loud, moaning Shao Fei in my bed.” He added as an afterthought. 

Shao Fei blushed and a small, sheepish smile spread across his face. Tang Yi leaned down and whispered: 

“ I love to see you smile, baby boy.”

Shao Fei blushed even more and tried to hide his face into their pillows. Tang Yi lay himself down beside Shao Fei. He decided to dedicate the night to his boyfriend’s pleasure. He wanted to worship Shao Fei’s body, show him how much he loved him.