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Part 19 of The Emo Maguire Saga
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2021-05-14
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Let's Do This One Last Time

Summary:

Gerard Way and his crew travel to an animesque alternate dimension, while Frank Iero, Tobey Maguire, and Spider-Ham seek help from a team of Earth’s mightiest heroes, but Thanos does not approve…
The grand finale of Emo Maguire Season 2. It sure was an electric boogaloo.

Work Text:

“Welcome to New York City, Magic Coffee Coffee Gerard-sensei, Onee-san Spider Kawaii Dansu Dansu Gwen-chan, Master Ritchi Gobby Gobby Harry-kun, and Senpai Sugoi Amazing Arachnid Skatey Skatey Andrew-chan!”

The year was 3145, and Gerard Way, Gwen Stacy, Harry Osborn, Andrew Garfield, and Peni Parker were standing in the middle of Times Square. Gerard looked around, and he found that the place seemed familiar somehow, as if he’d been here before, if only in his imagination. The skyscrapers looked much like the ones in his universe’s New York, but the brightly-lit billboards were all in Japanese, and the people walking by seemed far more like the hyperactive weeaboo child in front of him than anyone he knew back in his home universe.

Gerard took a deep breath, realizing he would need yet another cup of coffee if they were going to pull off their plan. According to Peni, Gerard was a god in this universe, and maybe, if they found the fabulous killjoy’s celestial alternate self, they could bring the universe back to normal. They could bring back the half of the population that Thanos hadn’t snapped back into existence, that was still stuck in the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes, and more importantly, Gerard could return to Earth and see his two boyfriends, Frank Iero and Tobey Maguire, once again.

He looked around Times Square one last time, and he spotted a sculpture of a pair of red and black hands formed into Spider-Man’s iconic webslinging gesture. “Hey, Andrew!” Harry said with a smile when he saw the sculpture. “It’s you.”

“Do my hands really look that demonic?” Andrew asked.

“It’s an ancient statue of Spider-Man, a legendary hero,” Peni explained. “There’s another one across the street of his sidekick, The Donut Defender.”

Gwen looked puzzled - she’d met plenty of other Spider-People, but none of them had a sidekick, much less a donut-themed one. However, as the protagonists explored the city, they found sculptures of other heroes, from the Breakfast Monkey to the Doom Patrol to the Umbrella Academy.

That was when Gerard realized why this world seemed so familiar.

He’d created it.

“Gerard-sensei, look! It’s my tomodachi!” Peni suddenly exclaimed as he gestured toward a skinny 14-year-old boy. “Konnichiwa, Shinji-kun!”

“Wait, is that Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion?” Gerard said with a smile. “This universe just keeps getting better by the second.”

“I don’t know,” Harry said. “I think any universe with Andrew in it is pretty amazing.”

“Thanks, Harry,” Andrew said. “It’s good to have my best pal back.”

“Focus,” Gwen said. “We need to find this universe’s Gerard before we all die from cellular decay.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Peni said. “He’s at the Church of the Holy Emo Trinity.”

“The Church of the Holy Emo Trinity?” Gerard said. “In my universe, they only ordain priests online at 2 AM so that they can officiate weddings for their friends.”

“In my universe, they’re the largest religion in the world! Take me to church, Gerard-sensei!”

“Oh God,” Gwen said, rolling her eyes. “Is she a Hozier fangirl now too?”

“Owa owa!!” Peni screamed as she sprinted toward the Church of the Holy Emo Trinity, and the rest of the gang soon followed. They would find Gerard’s divine doppelganger if it killed them.

In another universe, the year was 2006, and Frank Iero, Tobey Maguire, and Spider-Ham were standing in front of Thanos’ house, busy concocting their own plan to bring back the other half of the population. The spidery swine held up the Time Stone he’d stolen from the Infinity Gauntlet, and as he admired the green gem and its absolute control over time, a very important question popped into his piggish mind.

“What do you think this would taste like?”

“That is the most chaotic question I’ve ever heard,” Tobey said.

“I know, and I love it!” Frank said. “You know, if I wasn’t a vampire, I would have tried that by now. I bet it tastes like either lime or battery acid.”

“Maybe it’s spicy,” Spider-Ham suggested.

“Or maybe it tastes like pizza,” Tobey said.

“Or chicken,” Spider-Ham said. “You know, like everything else in the universe.”

There was a long silence as they all realized that now wasn’t the time for pointless conversations or unfunny jokes. “We have to beat Thanos,” Tobey said. “If we defeat him, we can take the other five Infinity Stones and bring back Gerard.”

“How are we going to do that, Tobey?” Frank asked as he held his boyfriend close. “Thanos obliterated us last time we tried to fight him.”

“Maybe the Avengers can help,” Tobey suggested. “We’ll use the Time Stone to go forward in time, and we’ll see if they can join us in the fight. You know, I’m something of a close and personal friend of the Avengers myself.”

“Last time we met Tony Stark, you got into a fight with him in the middle of Coconut Mall,” Frank pointed out.

“We could at least try to assemble the Avengers,” Tobey said.

“That’s outrageous!” Spider-Ham exclaimed. “Done.”

Spider-Ham lifted the Time Stone into the air once again, and it began to glow. All of a sudden, there was a flash of green light, and Frank, Tobey, and Spider-Ham all disappeared into thin air.

Meanwhile, Gerard, Peni, Gwen, Harry, and Andrew stepped into a bona fide church, complete with glowing chandeliers and rows upon rows of pews. Gerard couldn’t help but stare at the brightly colored stained glass windows, which showed a much holier version of the lead singer of My Chemical Romance, with a halo over his head and his fellow emo children at his feet, worshipping him.

“You can say a prayer if you need to,” Peni said. “Come, angels of the Lord. Come, angels of the unknown…”

“I still don’t get why I’m a god in this universe,” Gerard said as he looked up at the stained glass. “Wouldn’t it make more sense for Our Lady of Sorrows to be a god? Or maybe one of my favorite superheroes? Ooh, could the Doom Patrol rule this universe? That would be so awesome.”

“Because you’re the author of the universe, Gerard-sensei!” Peni exclaimed. “And we need to make an offering to our savior!”

Peni gathered up everything she needed for an offering - blood, pancakes, comic books, a leather jacket - but there was still something missing. “Coffee!” she exclaimed as she sprinted out of the church.

“Could you get me a cup while you’re out?” Gerard asked, but the tiny weeb was already gone.

While Gerard explored the church, Harry collapsed into one of the pews, exhausted. “Harry, are you okay?” Andrew asked as he slid next to him.

“Andrew, I think the goblinovirus is coming back,” Harry said.

“It could be the effects of being in another universe,” Gwen said.

All of a sudden, the ring finger on Harry’s left hand twitched. “Nope. That’s definitely GOVID.”

“No,” Andrew said. “I can’t lose you again. We’ll find a way to cure you. I promise.”

“You didn’t want to help me before. What changed?”

“I did want to help you, Harry. I was just scared of you turning into a monster. Which did happen, by the way.”

“You’re right, Andrew,” Harry said as he inched closer to the amazing Spider-Man. “As always.”

That was when Peni returned with two cups of coffee, one for Gerard and one for his saintly alter ego. Gerard sipped on the delicious caffeinated beverage, while Peni added the cup of coffee to the offering, along with one last secret ingredient.

Planet of the Apes crack fic.

There was everything from high school AUs to Curious George crossovers to overly long musical numbers, and sure enough, it was insane enough to pique the interest of the godly Gerard. A soft light began to glow next to the offering…

...and just as Magic Coffee Coffee Gerard-sensei was about to appear, a heroin addict stole the crack fic and ran.

“Hey!” Peni exclaimed. “Where are you going with that, Heroin Addict-kun?”

The heroin addict turned back to Peni, and when Gerard saw him, he immediately recognized him. “Neil Breen?” he said.

“How do you know my name?” Neil said. “Have you been hacking into government and corporate systems all over the country? All over the world? Have you discovered more information than any hacker ever has ever? Have you hacked into the most secretive government secrets?”

“No,” Gerard said. “You’re an independent filmmaker in my universe.”

“Really?” Neil said. “Were there ovations at every screening?”

“Probably not. Your movies are pretty awful,” Andrew said as Harry’s fingers started twitching again.

Neil frowned, stuffed the Planet of the Apes crack fic into a crack pipe, and smoked it. “Neil, are you sure you don’t want some of my coffee instead?” Gerard said. “I struggled with drug addiction for a long time, and I know what it’s like, wanting people to give you all their poison and all their pills, but cigarettes and coffee are an alcoholic’s best friend…”

“Sorry, can’t do. Thanks,” Neil said as he kept smoking crack. “Anyways, my true name may be Neil Breen, but I go by Thgil.”

“Thgil?” Gwen said. “That’s ‘light’ spelled backwards!”

“Oh, it’s just Thgil-kun?” Peni said.

“Hello, Peni Parker,” Thgil said as he smothered himself in buffalo sauce while still somehow smoking crack.

“You know him?” Gwen said.

“Heroin Buffalo Moshi Moshi Thgil-kun comes to the Church of the Holy Emo Trinity sometimes,” Peni explained.

“I’m going to fight the President of the Bank,” Thgil said. “Now where is my heroin?”

“I don’t have any heroin, Thgil-kun, but I can give you some Pokemon,” Peni said.

“Which ones?”

“Slowbro, Nuzleaf, Stunky, Blissey, Dewgong, and Bayleef.”

“I’ll take it,” Thgil said before he immediately stuffed the Pokemon into a bong, smoked them, and walked out of the church.

“When are you coming back, Thgil-kun?” Peni asked.

“In the future. Thanks.”

Once Thgil was gone, Gwen asked, “So what do we do now?”

“We’ve already made an offering,” Peni said. “Now, it’s time to summon the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.”

Meanwhile, in another universe, Frank, Tobey, and Spider-Ham were standing in a cold, cramped basement, unsure where exactly they’d ended up. “This is an on-fire trash can,” Spider-Ham said while Tobey and Frank searched for some sign of life. “Could be the Avengers Tower.”

“It’s your fault that we’re here, Spider-Ham,” Frank complained. “You were the one with the Time Stone.”

“I’m sorry,” Spider-Ham said. “You see, you mentioned the Avengers, and that got me thinking of the Sca-Vengers from my universe, with Iron Mouse and Quacksilver and Ant Ant, and then I thought of that movie about Captain Americat with those super fake rubber cat ears…”

That was when his Spider-Sense began to tingle, and he heard someone shout, “DISCOUNT AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!”

Five superheroes - if you could call them that - sprinted into the room and struck a violent pose right in front of Tobey, Frank, and Spider-Ham. “I’m Captain America, from the 1990 film Captain America!” a man with extremely fake rubber ears on the sides of his mask said.

“And I’m the Incredible Hulk, from the 1988 film The Incredible Hulk Returns!” a green spray-painted man said.

“And I’m Thor, also from the 1988 film The Incredible Hulk Returns!” a man in a Viking costume said.

“And I’m Howard The Duck, from the 1986 film Howard The Duck!” an anthropomorphic duck said.

“And I’m Exo-Man, from the 1977 film Exo-Man!” a man in a clunky metal suit said.

“Wait, you’re not an Avenger,” Spider-Ham said.

“Technically, neither is Howard The Duck,” Tobey said.

“A lot of people think I’m a 70s version of Iron Man for some reason,” Exo-Man said.

“Well, with the suit, you do kind of look like a knockoff Tony Stark,” Frank said as Howard The Duck flipped through a copy of Playduck.

“Howard!” Cap said as he snatched the magazine out of his feathery hands. “That’s another 69 days in horny jail for you!”

Howard reluctantly stepped into the duck-sized jail cell that had just materialized on the other side of the room, while Hulk turned toward Frank, Tobey, and Spider-Ham. “Nice suits,” he said.

“Thanks?” Frank said as he looked toward Tobey and Spider-Ham. His boyfriend looked gorgeous in that skintight Spider-suit, and Frank could see why the Discount Avengers might appreciate a superheroic swine who somehow didn’t look like a walking special effects failure, but the vampiric guitarist was just wearing ripped black jeans, a beat up pair of Doc Martens, and a homemade T-shirt that said “Homophobia Is Gay.” Surely, that was nothing to get excited over.

“Yeah, where did you get those costumes?” Captain America asked.

“I designed it myself,” Tobey, Spider-Ham, and Frank all said at once.

“Jinx!” Spider-Ham exclaimed.

“That’s awesome!” Thor said. “I bought mine at Party City.” When Spider-Ham gave him a funny look, he added, “Hey, there’s a reason why we’re called the Discount Avengers.”

“So what are you doing here anyways?” Exo-Man asked the trio as Captain America randomly tossed his shield around.

“We’re going to fight Thanos,” Spider-Ham said.

“Oh, we can’t help you with that,” Captain America said as his patriotic death Frisbee came flying back into his arms. “We couldn’t even beat a Magikarp.”

“You don’t have to actually fight him,” Frank clarified. “We just need to reawaken Tobey’s Thanos powers.”

“You have Thanos powers?” Exo-Man said to Tobey, amazed.

“It’s a long story,” Tobey said.

“So how exactly does one reawaken Tobey’s Thanos powers?” Thor asked Frank.

“Maybe if we recreate Tobey’s last victory against Thanos, we can get his powers to come back,” Frank suggested. “Let’s see…we were at the Brixton Academy...My Chemical Romance was onstage...Gerard was the broken glass in the morning light…”

“I missed him a lot today,” Tobey said sadly.

“And then Andrew Garfield, Thanos, and the Queen of England all tried to steal Gerard’s life force, and Tobey, you saved him.”

“Tom Holland did most of the work.”

“No, you did, Tobes. Tom died halfway through the fight, and he got better, but you were the one who defeated Thanos.” Frank thought about this for a moment and then said, “I’ve got it. Spider-Ham and I will put on a concert…”

“My body is bad at music,” Spider-Ham said.

“Doesn’t matter,” Frank said. “Captain America, Thor, Hulk, and Iron Man…”

“Exo-Man,” the man in the metal suit corrected.

“Right, sorry,” Frank said. “You guys will try to kill me. And Tobey, your job is to keep them from doing that.”

“Alright,” Captain America said as Spider-Ham pulled two electric guitars out of nowhere, one for the pocket-sized musician and one for himself. “DISCOUNT AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!”

Thor, Hulk, Cap, and Exo-Man all rushed toward the makeshift stage, where Spider-Ham was strumming a few out of tune chords, and Frank was jumping around like crazy. “HULK SMASH!” the angry green man yelled as he raised his fists into the air, but Tobey easily webbed him up and tossed him out of the way. He then did the same with the rubber-eared Captain America and his shield, but Exo-Man and Thor were still standing in his way.

As Tobey leapt up to the ceiling and then swooped down toward the remaining Discount Avengers, Spider-Ham pulled a microphone out of nowhere, and he began to sing the only song he knew.

Spider-Pig! Spider-Pig!
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does
Can he swing from a web?
No he can’t, he’s a pig
Look out!
He is the Spider-Pig

All of a sudden, Exo-Man climbed up onstage, and as he reached for Frank, Tobey kicked him in the face, knocking him onto the ground. While the metal-suited man rolled around, as helpless as a beetle stuck on its back, the undisputed king of pizza deliveries webbed him up. However, he soon found the son of Odin running toward him, ready to avenge his fellow low-budget superheroes.

“FOR ASGARDDDDDDDD!” Thor screamed, but when he tried to throw Mjolnir toward the human spider, Tobey easily caught it and used it to send a bolt of lightning toward the Viking hero.

“Tobey!” Frank screamed, still shredding the guitar. “That was rad! How did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” Tobey admitted as he marveled at the magical hammer.

“He must be worthy,” Spider-Ham said.

“Worthy?” a very confused Thor said as he stumbled to his feet.

“You know, worthy!” Spider-Ham said before he burst into a pitch-perfect impersonation of the god of thunder. “Whosoever holds this hammer, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Thor said.

“It’s the inscription on Mjolnir.”

“There’s no inscription on Mjolnir.”

“Hey, maybe this Thor doesn’t have a worthiness enchantment on his hammer,” Frank said. “Maybe anyone can be Thor.”

“That would be cool,” Tobey said.

“Are your Thanos powers back yet?” Frank asked his boyfriend, but Tobey shook his head.

“We don’t need Thanos powers if Tobey has Mjolnir!” Spider-Ham exclaimed before lifting the Time Stone in the air. “Come on, let’s go back to the present. You know, that place where life is a fucking nightmare.”

Tobey would have liked to stay, but it didn’t seem like he had a choice. “See ya chump,” he said to Thor. “And thanks for the hammer.”

The Discount Avengers all waved goodbye, and in an instant, there was a flash of green light, and Tobey, Frank, and Spider-Ham all went back to the era of flip phones and MySpace, ready to defeat Thanos once and for all.

Meanwhile, in the Church of the Holy Emo Trinity, Peni Parker had created a pentagram, with candles and MCR albums at each corner. “Kyaa!” Peni exclaimed as she admired her handiwork. “Now all I need is a Ouija board!”

“Oh, I have one of those,” Gerard said. He handed Peni the Ouija board, and she placed it in the center of the pentagram.

“Let us not choke or fall out, for our romance is with us at heart,” Peni said once the pentagram was complete. “Dear Magic Coffee Coffee…”

All of a sudden, a soft light began to glow, and down from the heavens descended the lord of wheat, the god of sass, the sheriff of Emo Town, a man with a divine voice and a holy comic book addiction, a white-haired emo messiah.

“Did someone summon me?” the creator of the universe asked.

“I did!” Peni shouted. "And senpai noticed me!!"

“Who even are you?” Gwen asked.

“I am Lord Geesus, Savior of the Broken, the Beaten, and the Damned,” the god said. “Although most people around here call me Magic Coffee Coffee Gerard-sensei for some reason.”

“This could literally not get any weirder,” Gwen said as Andrew and Harry struck up a side conversation about how bizarre it was that Gerard was a god in Peni’s universe.

“Strange,” Lord Geesus said as he turned to Gerard. “You’re me, but from another universe.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Gerard said. “So, uh, what’s it like being a god?”

“Well, running the universe is always a challenge,” Geesus said, His holy feet floating slightly above the ground. “I try to be a benevolent, all-loving god, but sometimes, I get bored and start a giant robot fight just because I can. Oh, and then there was that one time I turned the entire planet into a Starbucks because I was thirsty, but that’s another story for another time…”

“Tell me, Lord Geesus!” Gerard exclaimed, and over the next few hours, Geesus told Gerard all about His life as the one and only author of Peni Parker’s universe. “Oh, and then I made the Eiffel Tower into a spaceship…”

“I’ve been thinking of putting something like that into one of my comics,” Gerard interrupted.

“I already know that. I’m omniscient, remember?” Lord Geesus paused, and then He said, “You’re very lucky to have so many supportive people in your life. It’s lonely being a god, but you have Mikey, Frank, Tobey, Ray Torgo…”

“I’d really like to get them out of the afterlife, go back home, and see them. I miss them so far.”

“I can take you home.”

“We might need your help once we get there.”

“I know.”

“Right. You’re omniscient.”

All of a sudden, Lord Geesus created a Plot Hole, and it was headed straight for Gerard, Andrew, and Harry’s universe. Gwen, Harry, Andrew, and Gerard all leapt into the glowing portal, and the blessed emo soon followed them.

“Sayonara, Peni,” Lord Geesus said before flying into the Plot Hole.

“Amen, Magic Coffee Coffee Gerard-sensei!” Peni exclaimed as the lord and savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned fell through space and time with the mere mortals known as Andrew Garfield, Harry Osborn, Gwen Stacy, and Gerard Way by His side.

At that very moment, Frank, Tobey, and Spider-Ham were standing in front of Thanos’ house. The tattooed gnome stood on his tiptoes and rang the doorbell, and when Thanos opened the door, Tobey handed him a box of the greatest Italian food ever, but the Mad Titan interrupted the spider before he could tell him what time it was.

“You couldn’t live with your own failure,” Thanos said. “Where did that bring you? Back to me.”

“You’re trash, Thanos,” Frank said as Tobey took the pizza boxes and tossed them at the lavender giant.

“Why are you guys so mean?” Thanos said as tomato sauce splattered all over his dumb purple face.

“You said ‘the best at fucking murdering you’ wrong,” Frank retorted.

Thanos cleaned the tomato sauce off his face, and then he noticed that one of the pizza boxes had fallen onto the ground, but it didn’t have any slices of cheesy deliciousness inside. “What’s that?” Thanos asked as he gestured toward the hammer.

“How’d that get in there?” Tobey said as Thanos reached for Mjolnir. However, Tobey got there first, and he picked up the hammer and casually spun it around in a circle before leaping ten feet into the air and using Mjolnir to smash Thanos’ spleen.

Thanos threw a few punches toward Tobey, but the human spider was far too fast, and he was easily able to dodge him. As Spider-Ham shot a web toward Thanos, and Frank cowered underneath a chair, his arachnophobia acting up once again, Tobey swung across the room, and he tossed Mjolnir through the air. The hammer sailed past Thanos’ head and then whacked the oversized eggplant just as Tobey punched him in the jaw. When Tobey caught the hammer again, Thanos already looked like he was ready to give up.

All of a sudden, Thanos reached for a can of insect repellent and sprayed it toward Tobey and Spider-Ham. “No,” Tobey said. “Not the bug spray! NOT THE BUG SPRAY!”

Both of them collapsed onto the ground, and as Tobey writhed in pain, Thanos stepped over to him, picked him up, and squashed him against the wall. “Time to die, you puny insect.”

“Technically, we’re arachnids,” Spider-Ham said weakly, but Thanos paid no attention to him.

Thanos punched Tobey again and again, and when the spider looked like he was about to drop dead, Thanos lifted a gigantic vibranium kayak over his head and threw it at Tobey with all of his might. The webslinger fell to the ground - there was no way that he could keep fighting - so Thanos turned to Spider-Ham, ready to crush the cartoon pig in between his giant purple fingers.

All of a sudden, Frank used his vampire powers to sprint toward Thanos at 442 miles per hour, and when he approached the Mad Titan, he jumped and karate chopped his neck. Thanos cried out in pain, giving Tobey just enough time to leap upwards and summon Mjolnir once again.

Thanos, of course, went straight for the bug spray again, but Tobey threw his hammer toward the canister and knocked it out of the building. When Mjolnir came sailing back toward him, Tobey spun it around, and he quickly flew toward Thanos and got a few more strikes in. Thanos tried to swat him away, but it was no use. With the power of Thor, Tobey was far too strong for Thanos to defeat him so easily.

Thanos managed to whack Tobey’s elbow, but the wallcrawler shrugged off the minor injury and webbed him in the face. Thanos, annoyed by the fact that he was somehow losing to a humanoid spider, used the Power Stone to send another energy blast toward Tobey, but he lifted Mjolnir into the air and used the hammer to absorb the fiery purple energy. When Tobey looked back toward Thanos, his hammer was pulsing with electricity, and he knew exactly what he would do with it.

Tobey used every ounce of his power to leap toward Thanos, his body moving faster than the brain of a speed chess player, and before the Titan knew what was going on, he summoned a lightning bolt and had it strike Thanos. The blueberry behemoth was instantly electrocuted, and he collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

Tobey webbed up the Infinity Gauntlet and pulled it toward himself, and just as the Time Stone flew into place, completing the gauntlet, Frank pulled it away from him. “You can’t do the snap, Tobey,” Frank said.

“Why not?” Tobey asked.

“Because you’ll die if you try to wield the Infinity Stones without your Thanos powers.”

“You would die too, and I can’t lose you, Frank.”

“I can’t lose you either, Tobey.”

“This is ridiculous,” Spider-Ham said as he webbed up the Infinity Gauntlet. “I’ll do it.”

“What?!” Frank said as he yanked the Gauntlet back toward himself. “You can’t do that!”

“You have to go home, Spider-Ham,” Tobey said. “Don’t you have people waiting for you back in your universe?”

“I guess there’s Aunt May and Mary Jane Waterbuffalo…”

“See?” Frank said. “You have to come home.”

Frank was about to put on the Infinity Gauntlet, but Tobey pulled it back toward himself once again. “Frank, you can’t do this,” he said, tears filling his blue eyes. “My Chemical Romance can’t break up.”

“But what will I do without you, Tobey?” Frank asked as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend one last time and sobbed.

“You’ll carry on.”

As he and Frank both bawled their eyes out, Tobey took the Infinity Gauntlet and put it on. Electricity surged through his arm, and as Tobey held all of the power in the universe in the palm of his hand, he felt like he might collapse. He’d given up so much as Spider-Man: his ability to pay rent on time, his Uncle Ben, and now, he was about to sacrifice his life for the good of the universe. Tobey took a deep breath, and seconds before he dropped dead, he brought his fingers together, and he was about to snap the other half of the universe back into existence…

All of a sudden, someone pulled the Infinity Gauntlet off of his hand, and when Tobey looked to see who had taken the gauntlet from him, he saw Gerard. However, something was off. Although his face was identical to the white-haired emo singer’s, he was dressed in long, flowing robes, and there was a halo floating above his head.

“I am Lord Geesus, Savior of the Broken, the Beaten, and the Damned,” He said.

“Okay,” Tobey said weakly. “Where’s Gerard?”

“He’s up there,” Geesus said as He gestured toward the ceiling with His Infinity Gauntlet.

Tobey looked upwards, and sure enough, Gerard was hanging upside down on a spiderweb. “This is harder than it looks, Tobes,” Gerard complained as he, Andrew, Gwen, and Harry all hung from the ceiling.

“Gee! You’re back,” Tobey said before passionately kissing Gerard and then helping him down from the ceiling.

At that very moment, Lord Geesus snapped His fingers, and everyone in the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes materialized on Earth again, everyone from Mikey to Torgo to Tahani to Aunt May. Gwen and Spider-Ham disappeared as well, both of them headed back to their home universes.

In an instant, the whole multiverse was back to normal.

Even so, there was something very wrong. As soon as Geesus snapped His fingers, Harry Osborn fell to the floor, and he instantly began to turn to dust. “No no no no no no NOOOOOO!” Andrew screamed. “Geesus! Geesus, please! Save him from the nothing he’s become!”

“He’s supposed to be dead,” Geesus said.

“Please! He’s my best pal! He deserves a second chance!”

“Oh, alright,” Geesus said, and in another blatant use of deus ex machina, He snapped His fingers and brought Harry back to life. However, there were still bags under Harry’s eyes and a rash on his neck.

“Thanks for bringing me back, Lord Geesus,” Harry said as his fingers twitched. “C-could you cure my GOVID while you’re at it? I don’t want to die again.”

“Only Andrew can do that,” Geesus said with a wink.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Andrew asked, but Lord Geesus, Savior of the Broken, The Beaten, and The Damned was gone, having already returned to New York in the year 3145.

As Andrew contemplated Geesus’ famous last words, Gerard turned to Frank and gave him a huge smile. “Frankie,” he said. “It’s good to see you again.”

Frank kissed him passionately and then said, “Good to see you too, Gee. I missed you so much.”

“Me too,” Gerard said as he embraced his boyfriend. “You’re just the most fucking adorable thing, you know that?”

“Let’s go back to New Jersey,” Frank said to Gerard and Tobey. “I want to see Mikey and Torgo again, and I think the three of us could use some time off together.”

“Yeah,” Tobey said. “Let’s go home.”

“Well, my way home is through you, Tobes,” Gerard said with a smile, and Tobey held onto both of his boyfriends and webbed away.

The weeks went by, and slowly but surely, life returned to normal. Gerard, Frank, Mikey, and Torgo got to work on the next MCR album, Tahani went back to constantly name-dropping her famous friends and hanging out with her beloved husband Torgo, and Tobey returned to delivering pizzas, saving the city, selling cool pictures of Spider-Man to the local paper, and never, ever paying his rent on time. Every Thursday, they all visited Aunt May for their weekly healing circle, because after fighting the wizards of Grinnogwarts, saving the world from Doc Ock and Jaws the Shark, beating up the evil pedophile Jacob Black, helping Waluigi get his very own Nintendo game, battling every single Spider-Man villain at the same time, dying tragically, escaping from the Bad Place, and finally defeating Thanos, all of them were in desperate need of wise advice and psychological therapy from Tobey’s beloved aunt.

That is, until one day, Andrew Garfield and Harry Osborn decided to show up at the healing circle.

“Hi, Tobey’s Aunt May,” Andrew said as he and Harry sat down next to Gerard.

“Hi, Andrew. It’s nice to see you again,” Aunt May said. “I see you brought a friend.”

“Oh, it’s the two love spiders,” Gerard said, but no one paid much attention to him.

Andrew stared into Harry’s eyes for a long time, and even though his GOVID was getting worse every day, even though there were still bags under his eyes and a rash on his neck, he was still the most beautiful man in the world to Andrew. “This is Harry Osborn,” Andrew said, his eyes still fixated on his “friend,” as if he couldn’t quite believe Harry existed.

“Oh, you’re the son of the Oscorp CEO!” Tahani exclaimed. “You were at my good friend Scrooge McDuck’s birthday party!”

“Oh yeah,” Harry said with a smile. “I remember you. You’re Kamilah’s sister, right?”

Tahani scowled, and Aunt May asked, “Tobey, didn’t you have a friend named Harry Osborn too?”

“He’s been dead for years,” Tobey said. “I still miss him sometimes.”

As Tobey moped, Torgo looked toward Mikey, whose guyliner was perfectly accenting his brown eyes and his sharp jawline. “You look nice today,” the satyr noted.

“Yeah, do you have a date or something?” Frank asked.

“More like a staycation, but yeah,” Mikey replied.

“Aww, that’s nice,” Frank said. “Who are you going on a date with?”

Mikey was hesitant, but his older brother immediately began to chant, “Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!”

“I don’t want you guys to make fun of me,” Mikey said, stone faced.

“No one will make fun of you, Mikey,” Aunt May said. “This is a safe space.”

“I’m going out with Toasty McToasterface.”

There was a long silence as everyone processed the fact that the MCR bassist was apparently dating a toaster, and then Gerard gave his little brother a hug. “Aww, Mikey,” he said. “I couldn’t be happier for you.”

“Thanks, Gee,” Mikey said. “It’s just...I really love Toasty. When I first met them, when we first fell in love, when I stuck a fork inside Toasty for the first time, I felt sparks…”

“I’m pretty sure that was just you getting electrocuted,” Frank snarked.

“Shut up, Frankie,” Gerard said. “Let Mikey talk.”

“And they’ve always been there for me. They understand me like no one else does. Toasty has shown me a love that I didn’t think was possible. They’re everything to me.”

“That’s adorable, Mikey,” Gerard said. “I’m getting the sense that I might need to use the power vested in me by the Church of the Holy Emo Trinity to officiate another impromptu wedding though…”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Mikey said. “I don’t think Toasty and I are ready to make that kind of a commitment yet.”

“How ‘bout you, Andrew? Are you and Harry ready to tie the knot?”

“Harry’s not my boyfriend!” Andrew exclaimed. He then quietly added, “But I wouldn’t mind it if he was…”

“Yeah, we’re not together,” Harry said, apparently not having heard what Andrew had just said. “We’ve just made a lot of mistakes, and we’re working together to become better. I’m keeping Andrew from turning evil again, and Andrew’s keeping me from turning into the Green Goblin.”

Andrew nodded. “We both have great power, and we’re trying to be more responsible with it,” he said. “Speaking of which, Tobey, is there any chance you’ll let me be Spider-Man again?”

Tobey thought about it and then said, “Last time I let you be Spider-Man, you betrayed the whole city.”

“It was a mistake. I never should have done that.”

Tobey still wasn’t convinced, so Gerard said, “Maybe you should give him a chance, Tobes. Andrew did fight all of those supervillains with you and the other Spider-People, and he helped us save the universe from Thanos.”

“But Gee…” Tobey protested.

“Don’t you want a break, Tobes?” Gerard said as he inched closer to his boyfriend.

“Yeah,” Tobey said, resting his head on Gerard’s shoulder. “It would be nice to have a normal life, but I made a choice once to live a life of responsibility…”

“You can have your cake and eat it too,” Gerard said. “After all, it’s illegal to commit crimes on Tuesdays. It’s a natural law of the universe. Not even the vilest of villains would dare to violate it.”

“You’re right,” Tobey said. “Andrew, you can be Spider-Man on Tuesdays.”

“Thank you, Tobey!” Andrew exclaimed, practically crying tears of joy over someone finally appreciating him as Spider-Man. “I’ll be an amazing Spider-Man! I promise!”

“I’m hungry,” Frank complained.

“I’ll get you something, Frank,” Tobey said as he kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “Does anyone else want pizza?”

Everyone in the room raised their hands, and Tobey swung out of the room toward the nearest pizzeria, because once again, it was that blessed time of day.

Pizza time.

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