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You, Me and Mon Kee

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“Is the ambulance here?” Abed asked. He was dressed as the Eighth Inspector, with a tan trench coat and a red shirt.

“Yes. Follow me.” Troy, as the Sergeant, straightened out his letterman’s jacket.

Abed grabbed Annie’s hand. “Let’s go.”

Troy was driving the ambulance. Annie’s Boobs, also wearing a leather jacket, was in the passenger’s seat across form him. Annie, in the dress Anne Hathaway wore towards the end of the first Princess Diaries movie, was sitting in front of Abed in the back of the ambulance.

“Why do we have to hurry to the Shawmut Center, Inspector?”

“My nemesis the Sergeant has opened the Mouth of Disharmony in my DARSIT. I need to close the Mouth, and the only way I can do this is to shut the scoreboard in the middle of the Shawmut Center down.”

“That sounds really complicated. How is the scoreboard in the Shawmut Center connected to your DARSIT?”

“It doesn’t have to make sense, Charity. It’s junk science to help the plot move along.”

Abed looked out the corner of his eye. Troy put on his sunglasses.

“The Sergeant tricked us. We have to get out of here.”

Troy slammed on the breaks of the ambulance. “Dang crossing ducks.”

Abed grabbed Annie’s hand. “Let’s go!”

The two leapt out of the ambulance. The freeway they were crossing had stopped moving; all traffic had stopped because of the crossing ducks. Abed and Annie ran down the freeway. The Shawmut Center was very close to them, across the freeway to their right. Once they were near the Shawmut Center, Abed and Annie walked towards it.

“I feel something.”

“What do you feel, Inspector?”

“I feel something that all seven of my predecessors never felt before, and that was because the censors disapproved of my successors feeling this way. Especially the fourth version of me. I’m not sure if the CCB ever liked him.”

“What is it?”

“If I even mention it, the CCB might not even like me. And maybe not XOF. I guess I’ll stay quiet about it.”

“The Sergeant stole my boyfriend’s body,” Annie said, changing the subject. She stamped her feet. “And we were going to go to this masked ball for New Year’s Day. Now I can’t go because he’s gone.”

“But Charity, you’re not alone.”

“What do you mean, Inspector?”

“I may as well anger the CCB now. And XOF.”

Abed stopped Annie in the Shawmut Center parking lot. He kissed Annie.

“Inspector, what was that for?”

“For the first time in all my lives, I have been able to”—

“Why are you kissing her? She’s my girlfriend, Inspector.” Troy walked towards Abed and Annie. “And you left me alone with an evil henchman monkey.”

“We’re not supposed to meet right now, Sergeant. You’re supposed to stop me while I’m trying to get to the Shawmut Center’s scoreboard. We have an epic fight near the top and you fall off, where I believe you’ve died. You run back to the DARSIT, where you attempt to take over it and open the Mouth of Disharmony further with Mon Kee. And then you pretend to die again until the Tenth Inspector battles you in ‘Dystopia.’”

“I don’t care about Inspector Spacetime canon right now, Inspector. You stole my girlfriend. I don’t care if I’ve stolen his body or not. Charity Galloway is my girlfriend until I decide to take Mon Kee’s body at the end of this movie.”

“Guys, why are you fighting? I don’t mind if the two of you decide to date me or not. The future of the Earth is at stake right now. Closing the Mouth of Disharmony is what you two should be fighting over, not me.”

The Shawmut Center began to sink.

“What’s happening, Inspector?”

“We’re too late. Our fighting over Charity has caused the Mouth of Disharmony to grow wider and faster than it’s supposed to grow at this point in the movie. In exactly five seconds, we will all be enveloped into the Mouth. The Earth will turn into a black hole, and countless smaller galaxies will be sucked into it. Just like what the Sergeant wanted. “

“But I don’t want to die!”

“Well, you should’ve thought about that before you opened the Mouth of Disharmon”—

Troy, Abed and Annie fell into the hole.

Abed woke up. He was sitting on the sofa in front of the TV in his apartment he shared with Troy and Annie. Troy was on his left; Annie his right. All were in their pajamas. Snow was playing on the TV. Abed woke Troy and Annie.

“I just had the most horrible dream. I dreamed we were in the 1995 Inspector Spacetime movie with Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway and Eric Roberts. But instead of those three in the movie, it was me as the Eighth Inspector, Troy as the Sergeant and Annie as Charity. We were fighting over who should be with Charity and the Mouth of Disharmony swallowed us all up.”

“That’s terrible, Abed.”

“It’s okay, Annie. Eric Roberts gave the best performance of his life in the Inspector Spacetime movie. I can’t believe he gave a subpar performance of that other British sci-fi show that attempted to reboot its franchise a year later.”

“I mean you and Troy fought over me in your dream. We get along so well together. I would hate if we fought over who belongs to whom.”

“Me too,” Troy added. “I hate when we fight in real life. There’s not enough room in the blanket fort to stamp around and yell. The bedroom’s the best place for that.”

“That’s why we have bunk beds. They stay sturdy during a fight.”

“Guys, since we’re up, how about we watch another movie? How about…Kickpuncher?

“No, Annie,” Abed said.

Kickpuncher 2? Kickpuncher the anime?”

“No, let’s watch Free Willy. Is that cool, Troy?”

“Sounds awesome, Abed.”


“Surprising, but I’m cool with it.”

“Cool. Coolcoolcool. Hopefully I won’t dream of being on a rock while an otherwise unfriendly killer whale was jumping over me. Then I’d have to wake up again.”