“You got this Tommy! You’ve only been rejected about five times now!” Tubbo aggressively pats Tommy’s back. Tommy nods, shakes his arms out, and inhales a big, manly breath. He can do this. He is the Big Man TommyInnit and he is Unstoppable.
“You’re right, Tubbo. I am the George Washington of women and that one shall be my Battle of Yorktown,” Tommy proclaims, pointing at a random girl. They’re currently standing in the middle of the park in Brighton, scanning the crowd for women.
Tommy considers himself to be a generous and benevolent influencer (also very humble, of course). So, for his ten million subscriber special, he decided to give his adoring fans what they’ve been begging for: Minecraft In Public, Girlfriend Edition. So far, the IRL Girlfriend Mod was proving difficult, but Tommy is proud to say that momma ain’t raise no quitter.
“Don’t you mean the Siege of Yorktown?” Tubbo asks. Tommy turns to disagree, because he is a Big Man who is never wrong, but Wilbur, who’s holding the camera, speaks up instead.
“Actually it’s known by both names, as well as the Surrender of Yorktown or the Ger-”
“Thank you Wilbur, but you needn’t come off as such a bloody yankee.” Tommy says, continuing to hype himself up in his mind.
Wilbur sputters because that’s the type of man he is. “What? You literally brought up George Washington! Hey! Don’t walk away from me!” Tommy ignores his sputtering cameraman and walks confidently towards the girl he pointed out earlier. She’s talking to another man but it’s not a problem because Tommy is sure that they are just friends.
“You are my girlfriend.” Tommy stands over the girl, totally not menacingly and 100% romantically. The woman and the man stop talking, look at him, look behind themselves, and then look at him again. If Tommy were a lesser man he’d feel the awkwardness in the air. Luckily for his fans, he is not.
“What?” The girl asks. She is clearly caught off guard by the extreme amounts of manliness that Tommy is exuding, so he happily restates his proclamation.
“You are my girlfriend.” He ignores Wilbur snickering under his breath. He doesn’t ignore Tubbo kicking Wilbur in the shin. He makes a mental note to thank Tubbo later.
“Me?” The girl asks, still confused. Tommy doesn’t understand why, because he made himself very clear. The guy next to her laughs into his hand. Tommy thinks he’s a bastard for laughing at a woman, but he keeps that to himself. Totally not because the other guy’s arms look larger than Tommy’s head, but because he wants to be polite. Totally.
“Yes. We are dating.” Tommy states, hopefully clearer. She just looks at him wearily while the man next to her outright laughs. Tommy levels a glare at him.
“I’m sorry, love, but I do believe I’m a bit too old for you.” She says. She sounds very sorry, but Tommy doesn’t think she really is. The guy next to her is laughing harder now and Tommy really wishes he wasn’t there. The dude snakes his arm around the girl’s shoulder and Tommy glares at it, because it offends him.
“I am a Big Man so you do needn’t worry about it!” Tommy says, enthusiastically. Wilbur’s laughing again, but Tommy continues to ignore him, receiving the encouragement he is sure Tubbo’s sending him telepathically.
The guy turns to the girl with a scandalized look on his face, “Amelia! I had no idea you were cheating on me with this child!” Amelia slaps the guy’s shoulder, rolling her eyes. She says something to him, but Tommy’s too blinded by pure, unadulterated, rage to hear it.
“I AM NOT A CHILD YOU CRUEL STRANGER!” Tommy can feel Wilbur pulling back by the shoulders, but goddammit, he’s gonna show this strangely buff dude what he’s made of.
“Tommy,” Wilbur says. Tommy ignores him once again, and continues glaring menacingly at the man. But Wilbur is a tall motherfucker so he does manage to pull Tommy away from the couple.
“Oooh you’re lucky I’m not a dirty homewrecker or else I’d clart you right in the face!” Tommy yells as he’s being dragged away. Wilbur is desperately trying to shut him up because apparently “people are staring,” but Tommy couldn’t care less. His good name has just been insulted and Wilbur wants him to run from the fight? No. This will not do. Wilbur lets Tommy stew in his ridiculous inner monologue. Tubbo is still with Amelia and the terrible, terrible man, asking them for their consent to be uploaded to YouTube.
“You know Tommy, maybe you should switch up your method of approach,” Wilbur says once Tommy has calmed down. Tommy thinks that his advice is bullshit.
“... Continue.” He says this to humor Wilbur, not because Wilbur could ever have any good ideas.
“I just think you should approach women who are more your age and obviously not already in a relationship.” Tommy turns to him, eyes squinted.
“Wilbur, I say this out of love-” Wilbur raises an eyebrow at that, “but that sounds like a very stupid idea.” Wilbur throws his hands up in the air in mock defeat. “I just need to figure out a new strategy.” Tommy says, thinking to himself. “There’s obviously nothing wrong with the way I’m approaching them….”
Wilbur scoffs sarcastically at that but Wilbur isn’t an expert with women so Tommy doesn’t care.
“Ok, so I just apologized to the couple and they said everything was fine,” Tubbo says, walking back up to the two. “They also said that they’re okay with being in your video as long as you blur them out.”
“That’s great! It’ll be a good bit for the vlog.” Wilbur says and Tommy hums in agreement.
“Kay, thanks.” Tommy says, “Big T, I’ve been struck with a genius idea.”
“Really? That’s wonderful! Will this idea get you a success? Because that was supposed to be your Siege of Yorktown, but you ended up failing, terribly.” Tubbo says this all in a very cheery voice and Tommy immediately takes back any gratefulness he had for his friend kicking Wilbur in the leg.
“Thank you Tubbo, for gutting me, ruthlessly.” Wilbur high fives Tubbo- er low fives him, because Tubbo is so short. Ha, take that Tubbo, you are short. Tommy, baby rage satiated by petty thoughts continued telling his master plan. “Instead of going after any woman I see, I shall approach those who are closer to my age and unaccompanied by other men!” He’s itching to point out that the Battle of Yorktown sounds much cooler than Siege of Yorktown, but contrary to popular belief, Tommy does know how to pick his battles (he does not; he is lying to himself).
“Tommy that’s a great idea! You’re sure to have a girlfriend soon!” Tubbo cheers, hyping Tommy back up again.
“Dude, that’s exactly what I told you bef-”
Tommy cuts Wilbur off, “Shut up Wilbur, I’m about to get a girlfriend.” Tommy turns to Tubbo, ignoring Wilbur cursing at him. “You know what they say, Big T, seventh time’s the charm!”
“Actually this’ll be the ninth time you’ve approached someone.”
“ What? But you said last time was the sixth time!” Tommy’s mojo was slightly thrown off now. He is the Big Man TommyInnit and all the women love him, so Tubbo must be wrong.
“Nope.” Tubbo says. “I was just lying to make you feel better.”
“Tubbo!” Tommy whines, “You’re not supposed to say that until after I get a girlfriend!”
“That’s assuming he ever manages to get one.” Wilbur says under his breath. Tommy swears he’s gonna clart him, but then Tubbo gives Wilbur a high five and Tommy just feels betrayed.
“You two are complete assholes and I hate you both.” Tommy jabs his fingers at the two, conveying his rage. The other two do not get it and laugh at him. Well he’ll show them. “Just you two wait, this next attempt will surely get me a girlfriend!”
Tubbo nods emphatically and Tommy’s faith in him is restored. Wilbur’s still a prick, though.
Scanning the park, Tommy sees his next woman. “Okay guys, I think I’ve found her.” He gestures in her direction, “She’s perfect because she looks my age and she’s alone. No terrible men in sight.”
Wilbur places a hand on Tommy’s shoulder and Tommy thinks he’s about to give him some sage advice. Not that he needs it or anything.
“Tommy, I want you to know,” Tommy readies himself for some amazing words of encouragement, “that as a grown man, watching you go around and try to ask girls out is one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I have ever done.”
Well that wasn’t motivational in the slightest. Tommy opens his mouth to fire back but Wilbur apparently isn’t finished, “Also you’re lucky you’re a child because what you’re doing right now is very creepy and I just want you to know that.”
“He’s kinda right,” Tubbo adds, “this does border on creepy.”
“Wilbur,” Tommy points his hand at the lanky prick, “please fuck off.” Tommy takes a deep breath, “And Tubbo, I don’t want to hear it because you’re literally friends with a six foot six dude who told his fans that he would run them down if they were wearing his merch.”
“Yeah but that’s just scary, not creepy. There is a difference.” Tommy doesn’t know why he’s still friends with this person who constantly kicks him in the gut, but with words. “It’s okay though! Like Wilbur said, you’re still a minor so it’s fine! Now go get yourself girlfriend!”
Tommy begrudgingly takes the encouragement and leaves the two. “Think of all the Snapchat street cred you have!” Tubbo yells from behind him.
Now that gives Tommy a spring in his step because his Snapchat street cred is just that good. Take that Wilbur. Tommy knows Wilbur doesn’t have that type of Snapchat street cred because Wilbur is a boomer and a loser.
Tommy approaches the girl and stands totally not awkwardly in front of her. It takes her a couple seconds to realize he’s standing there because she’s looking at her phone and Tommy still respects the rules of social distancing. Wilbur and Tubbo are standing a few feet away, and Tommy’s pretty sure that they’re placing bets on him, Wilbur, in particular, betting against him.
“Asshole.” The girl looks, face confused and angry. Fuck. Shit. Shit. He couldn’t have started this conversation any worse, and now, Wilbur is most likely to win the bet. Tommy would rather get punched in the face by Dream than let that happen.
Tommy quickly tries to make amends. “No, no! I was referring to my friends who are complete pricks not you!” The girl nods slowly, still looking confused. “You’re probably wondering why I’m talking to you, and it’s because you are my girlfriend.”
The girl stares at him with her eyebrows raised.
“Please just say yes,” Tommy begs. “I’ve spent the entire day trying to get one and now my friends are laughing at me.” This is Tommy’s ultimate play and he is sure it cannot go wrong. Besides, he started off the conversation by accidentally calling her an asshole, so it can’t possibly go any worse.
“Wait, are you asking me out?” The girl asks, and Tommy has a heart attack. Not because he’s talking to a girl, no, but because this one in particular has an American accent. Turns out, this conversation could get worse.
He turns to Tubbo, face in absolute terror, and Wilbur just tells him to turn back around. Well, he didn’t say anything, but he said it with his eyes. Because Wilbur could do that.
“Uh, yeah?” Tommy says, trying to ignore the levels to which he was swooping. All women are great, even Americans is the mantra he’s repeating in his head. “I thought I made it pretty clear.”
“Tommy, I do not want to date you.” If Tommy weren’t so confused as to how this American chick knew his name he would’ve noticed two other guys approaching them and Tubbo and Wilbur trying to get his attention. He subconsciously notices that her voice sounds vaguely familiar. He’s more concentrated on how he’s about to up his pick-up game.
“What? Why? I am the perfect boyfrien-- wait, Gogy ?!” Tommy is very surprised because there, right in front of him is the GeorgeNotFound holding two coffee cups from a local cafe. And next to him is this tall blond dude who’s staring intensely at him. “What the hell are you doing here?” Tommy was aware that George lived in Brighton, but he was also under the impression that Gogy spent his entire life inside his house talking to his friends (the only ones Tommy thought he had) on discord.
Before George could answer, the tall dude next to him steps closer to Tommy, and Tommy’s heart starts to beat a bit faster. He thinks that he could definitely (not) take him in a fight. Sure, the guy had a bit more defined muscle on him than Tommy did, but Tommy had an incredible one-inch height advantage. Tommy definitely does not take a step back because he is a brave manly man.
The man hands his coffee to the girl and then glares at Tommy, “Were you just hitting on my sister?” Tommy, too occupied with his totally not fear, does not realize that he knows that voice.
“Uh…. no?” He responds dumbly. The guy looks towards his sister and she nods her head. Tommy thinks she is a right prick. He looks towards his friends for help but they're useless, mouths hanging open like a pair of fish.
“Well my sister says you're lying so,” the guy rolls up his sleeves, “ any last words, Tommy?”
“Uh, listen Mr. American, I don’t know how you know Gogy over there but I’m a really good friend of his so I don’t think he’d like it if you beat me up.” Okay, Tommy is definitely backing up now, trying to put some distance between the two. He shines a hopeful glance at George, but George just takes a sip from one of his coffee cups. What a fucking prat.
The guy lets out a strikingly familiar wheeze and Tommy almost gets the cosmic joke that the universe is playing on him. He turns to Tubbo and Wilbur, who, by the way, are still filming this entire encounter, and whisper-yells, “Why aren’t you two helping me?”
Tubbo just responds with a thumbs up and Wilbur repositions the camera. Tommy decides that it’s time for him to get new friends. Phil would never do him dirty like this. Tommy is lying to himself (again) because Phil would.
“Listen, Tommy,” Tommy’s pretty sure he’s openly sweating right now, “I happen to be a very good friend of George as well. We work on a lot of projects together so I guess you could call us business partners.” The man talks as if he’s making a joke that Tommy isn’t supposed to get, and that pisses him off. “So, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I teach you what happens when you hit on my sister.” The man turns to George to enunciate his point, and George gives him a small smile. Oh so now you stop drinking your stupid coffee. I will never forgive you GeorgeNotFound; you will rue the day you betrayed me!
Tommy interrupts his inner monologue to defend himself, “Listen, man.” Tommy tries to step forward to assert dominance, but the other guy doesn’t budge so it doesn’t really work. “I don’t even know who you are! So if you would plea--”
“What, Tommy? You don’t recognize me?” The guy asks, a wicked grin spreading on his face. George and the dude’s sister roll their eyes, but Tommy is too confused to notice. How the hell would he know this American asshole? He’s never fucking met the dude! Sure his voice sounds familiar, and his wheeze reminds him of a certain green man on the SM-- wait.
Tommy’s mind screeches to a halt.
He looks at the guy--really looks at him. He’s a tan, has green-ish eyes, freckles, and dirty blond hair. He has the gall to threaten Tommy and he has a stupid laugh. And, possibly worst of all, he’s “business partners” with GeorgeNotFound. This jerk of a man could only be one person.
“Dream?” Tommy asks, eyes widening in disbelief.
Dream nods, grin growing somehow larger. Tommy thought he knew how menacing a smiley face could be, but seeing the person behind that was infinitely worse.
“Took him long enough,” Wilbur says and George hums in agreement. Tubbo just looks excited and not at all worried for Tommy’s wellbeing.
Tommy’s brain, along with his stomach, is doing somersaults. He points at Dream, who’s still grinning maniacally, “If you’re Dream, then that makes you,” Tommy trails off and turns to the girl.
George continues to be unhelpful and says, “Yup. You just hit on Drista and you’ve got about 5 seconds until Dream beats the shit out of you in real life!” George says this as if they’re all about to go get ice cream, and not like Tommy’s incredible existence is about to end.
Tommy turns back to Dream, gulping. “Now Dream, my friend,” he tries, “You don’t have to do th-”
Dream takes a step forward, “Five.”
“C’mon man, can’t we talk this out?” Tommy yells, backing up slowly.
“Four.” Dream keeps walking towards him and Tommy sends a silent prayer to whoever is listening. He hopes his mom knows he loves her.
"Dream I’m too young to die” Tommy knows this is futile but once again, momma ain’t raise no quitter.
“Three.” Tommy arms are out in front of him, as if placating a large animal. It is not working.
“You wouldn’t want twitter to get mad at you for beating up a child?” Tommy laughs nervously.
“Two.” Tommy wonders when he last hugged his family. He hopes it wasn’t too long ago.
“I don’t suppose ‘sorry’ will stop you?” Tommy is normally never one to apologize, because things are never his fault, but Dream in real life is scary.
“One.” Dream lunges towards him and with a scream Tommy bolts away.
As he runs, looks at Tubbo and Wilbur, who are still filming, and yells, “Tell Philza that he can have my channel, OK?!” In the heat of the moment, Tommy doesn’t realize that Philza Minecraft would not want his channel.
Wilbur responds by smiling at him and Tommy is reminded of how much he hates that tall asshole. The rage that bubbles up within him from that condescending jerk gives Tommy the extra boost to stay right outside of Dream’s, frankly quite long, reach.
Tubbo yells, “What?” and Tommy turns to him to shout his dying wishes louder. Or, he tries to, but his body is met with a tree, so he is not able to shout anything. He’s pretty sure he can hear his “friends” fucking cackling at him past the ringing in his ears. He even hears the most obnoxious wheeze not too far behind him. The fear that that tea-kettle imitation brings him is enough to snap him out of his potential concussion and back into running.
Dream is doubled over laughing at Tommy’s misfortune so Tommy uses this to his advantage and escapes, dashing towards Wilbur. For the first time since they met up that day, Wilbur is useful. Dream, having come to his senses, chases after Tommy, but the brit uses Wilbur as a human shield to keep Dream at bay. It surprisingly works, until Wilbur decides that he’s had enough and pries himself out of Tommy’s grip.
Tommy screams profanities at him while he runs away and Wilbur continues to smile like the shit he is. Dream chases Tommy around the park, dodging through families, trees, and benches. The next time they pass the group, Tommy swears he can hear DU DU DU DU and he wonders if he has died.
When Dream finally catches up to him and tackles him, Tommy confirms that Tubbo was indeed playing DU DU DU DU while he was running for his life. He is pissed, exhausted, and laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
It’s pretty much the best day ever.