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Elderstuck 40,000: A New Hope Rides Alone

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It was a dark and stormy night. So stormy that it had the most lightning bolts in a single storm for all of the planet of Oa. In fact, the Prospit Inn was struck 17 times. Talking about that inn, a man walked in, a real awesome man. This was the type of guy who was so alluring, that half his home planet was arrested for paedophilia the moment he left the womb. He had pointed ears and was bald. Half of his skin was grey and scarred, and the other half was gold. He wore what appeared to be a combination of platemail, power armour and a trenchcoat, with a built in hood. In one hand he held a device like a sword made of energy, with the blade covered in whirring smaller blades. In the other, he held what looked like the bastard child of a pistol, a minigun and an ion cannon. It was pretty much the biggest gun you can hold with one hand. He stabbed the Chainlightsaber into the ground. "The name's Vivec Skywalker, the Knight of Time. Now, can any of you bastards tell me where in all of the fucking omniverse Wily is?"

Vivec already knew of course. Doctor Wily was in this very room, wearing a poor disguise. He just wanted to see him squirm, to see him to give false directions, and to say "Wrong place, fuckmunch" as his Chainlightsaber pierced through Wily's heart. However, this did not happen. Instead, Wily stayed silent, sweating nervously and whimpering but otherwise quiet. Vivec sighed. "You know, you really fucked up this one liner I was going to say". Then he shot Wily in the face. "That's what you get for making all these goddamn Robot Masters. Fucking took too long to kill them. Anyway, bartender, get me a drink. I'll have the wine, the good stuff, not the boxed shit."

Vivec woke up with a hangover, and no memory of the last night. He was used to having amnesia, but usually only after dying. Turns out you can't remember anything until that bit in your brain that holds your memories finishes regenerating. He blacked out after killing the man who built a bunch of robots in a futile attempt to assassinate him. Vivec was immortal of course, but if you completely annihilated his head he couldn't regain any of his old memories. But I digress. The most disappointing part was how he didn't wake up with a lady (or the occasional man) sharing his bed. At least he knew he did well if that happened. Staring at the calendar, he noted that it was 413 years since last night. Vivec wished he had some way of preventing himself from time travelling when he was drunk. Shit was such a hassle.