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Bored Games

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The streets of London are normally occupied with the mindless bustle of busy people however on this particular morning, the roads are empty and the pavements lie abandoned. Presumably, for it is hard to tell where road begins and pavement ends when the entire city is camouflaged in a blanket of thick snow. Most people are tucked away in their snug little homes, unable to get to work and so taking the unexpected break as an opportune moment to relax and enjoy the festive season. Those hoping for a white Christmas are in luck. However in 221B Baker Street, there is a consulting detective, an ex army doctor, a detective inspector and a poncy looking man with a ‘minor position in the British government’ who would rather be anywhere else than in each other’s company for the duration of the day.

John watches a dreary man on the news babble on about the shortage of grit for the fourth time that morning. Greg is pretending to read the morning paper so he isn’t included in the raging debate between Sherlock and Mycroft on whether or not Aunt Agatha married four times or five.

The debate has now progressed into a full on argument in which Mycroft produces photographic evidence from his wallet that conclusively proves Sherlock in fact was forced to wear a bonnet for Aunt Agatha’s second wedding. John and Greg lean over to take a peek at the faded photograph which shows a chubby little boy whose bonnet is pushing down his curly locks into his big eyes, he is frowning at the camera, being held in place by a beaming child that must be Mycroft. “Aww Sherlock” is on the tip of their tongues but the answering death glare puts them back in their places.

Sherlock claims he is bored and begins pestering Lestrade. Lestrade is too busy trying to keep Sherlock away from his pockets to notice Mycroft watching him with a fond expression on his face.

Sherlock insists he is going to die of boredom and lies down on the floor with one hand across his face like a swooning maiden. John says he’ll make sure to get that engraved on his gravestone.

As revenge for John’s gravestone joke and the fact that he is conversing politely with Mycroft, Sherlock goes to set up an extravagant experiment on the kitchen table. He makes sure to be as loud as possible.

After the third bang that comes from the kitchen, John can’t control himself any longer and, with caution, goes to see what Sherlock is up to. He catches a glimpse of a blue substance fizzing on the table and turns back into the living room, he’d rather not know.

Mrs Hudson enters with a tray of tea that she places on the coffee table. She is pleased to see the handsome Detective Inspector and attempts to start a conversation with him. Ooh he can break into my flat any day of the week she thinks as he fidgets uncomfortably.

Mrs Hudson leaves and John takes the opportunity to comment on how fond she is of Lestrade. “Yes, she was visually undressing you” Sherlock agrees. The look on Lestrade’s face is priceless.

Sherlock gets bored of his experiment when he doesn’t get quite the results he was looking for; he stomps into his bedroom and slams the door shut.

John receives a text halfway through speaking to Greg; Come to my bedroom immediately- SH. John doesn’t know how to make a good enough excuse so just mutters under his breath and barges into Sherlock’s bedroom.

“Sherlock stop texting when I’m sitting three bloody metres away from you” he says and demands to know what Sherlock wants. Sherlock says that he has ‘saved’ John from the extreme perils of dull conversation and small talk. He bounds onto his bed and proposes they stay there until the snow is gone.

Mrs Hudson returns with a stack of board games. “If you’re bored, play a board game” she says and winks at Lestrade on her way out. Mycroft wonders why she had so many board games on hand.

Lestrade calls for John and Sherlock to ‘stop snogging’ and come into the living room. John rolls his eyes and heads for the door when Sherlock says “If you leave now, I won’t talk to you for a month” John exits as quickly as he can and thinks that would be a bloody miracle.

Sherlock is fuming
John is keen to play the games and starts setting up Operation.

Sherlock hears all three of them laughing and joking in the living room and throws a pillow at the door.

Sherlock doesn’t manage to control himself much longer and goes to see what they’re all up to under the ruse of ‘getting a drink of water’

Sherlock abandons the ‘glass of water’ trick and demands to play too.

Operation is abandoned after the first buzz makes Lestrade jump so hard that he whacks his head on the side of a table.

Greg has finally stopped swearing and is now tenderly holding an ice pack to his head.

Mycroft suggests the game of life because it seems like the safest choice. Little does he know...

John, Greg and Mycroft choose to ‘stay on at university’. Sherlock does not.

John asks Sherlock what Uni was like. Mycroft tells him that Sherlock got thrown out of Cambridge in his second year, he's about to explain why when he receives the union jack cushion to his head followed by the words "say any more, and i might accidently mention The tooth fairy incident"

Mycroft looks horrified, Sherlock looks amused, and both John and Lestrade are positively dying to know about ‘The Tooth Fairy Incident’.

Sherlock lands on 'get married' and reluctantly sticks another person in the back seat of his car. He adds that the scenarios in The Game of life are dull, and asks if he can include some ideas of his own. John, Lestrade and Mycroft all say "absoloutely not" at exactly the same time.
Sherlock sulks.

Greg gets married and sticks another person in the car. Nobody comments on the fact that he sticks a man in the car.

Awkward silence made even more awkward when Sherlock says "I knew you were flirting with me that time in Norfolk"

Greg thinks he might have just accidently outted himself using a board game; he gives himself kudos for originality.

Sherlock lands on 'you have twins, a boy and a girl!' Everyone has the mental image of Sherlock as a father including Sherlock who has the most disgusted expression on his face.

Sherlock lands on 'get divorced' and says “sorry, my dear, I consider myself married to my work” before throwing the other person out of his car

Mycroft spins the plastic spinner too hard and cuts his finger.

Sherlock makes his brother hover his finger over a corner of the board so that a few droplets fall onto it.

Sherlock puts his twins in the mini pool of blood and says they were murdered.

Everyone looks mildly disturbed so The Game of Life is packed away and Mycroft brings Scrabble out.

John stares down at his tray and its pathetic ensemble of letters.
Sherlock leans over and snorts. John elbows him in the ribs.

Nobody notices Sherlock sneaking extra vowels into his socks.

John could've sworn there were more letters in the bag.

John catches Sherlock using Google on his blackberry "Sherlock no you can't look at your phone, that's cheating!"
"Not cheating John, it's called being resourceful"

Sherlock doesn't surrender the phone. John's last resort is to use force. He rugby slides Sherlock onto the carpet, narrowly missing the fireplace. He scrambles for the phone which Sherlock promptly stuffs down his trousers.

"I’ve been through Afghanistan, I’ve survived being threatened by a psychopath, the depths of your underwear really do not faze me"
Sherlock smirks and raises an eyebrow, he knows John wouldn't dare.

Apparently John would dare.

Lestrade comes back into the living room to find Sherlock sprawled on the floor with johns hand down his trousers and Mycroft downing his whisky. He wonders how long he's been gone.

Lestrade can't think of any words so he joins the ‘c’ of ‘calyx’ and the‘t’ of ‘tachycardia’ with an ‘a’ to make ‘cat’. Sherlock gives him his most pitiful look, Lestrade just smiles.

Mycroft goes to get some glasses. Sherlock spells out an obscene message for him using the remaining letters, John quickly messes it up before he sees.

Sherlock puts down ‘anaglyptics’ and Lestrade groans.

Mycroft insists ‘anaglyptics’ is not a word. The Holmes brothers seem to have an entire conversation with raised eyebrows and pointed looks. John and Greg make a tactical retreat to the kitchen. They stock up on some more wine. (Apparently Sainsbury’s had a buy one get one free offer on).

A loud "ow, get your fat arse off me Mycroft!" is heard, John looks at Lestrade and they both mentally decided it's probably best to stay in the kitchen.

Something smashes, John looks at Lestrade and they both mentally decide to run into the living room. Lestrade brings a spatula just in case.

Mycroft has his arms raised in surrender, his suit looks rumpled and his hair is sticking up. Sherlock is standing on top of the coffee table with his arms crossed; his hair is also sticking up.

There's a sullen silence broken only when Sherlock asks why Greg is holding a spatula and he replies "self defence" so everyone dissolves into fits of giggles.

Sherlock fails to grasp the concept of Cluedo.

Sherlock still fails to grasp the concept of Cluedo.

"Where's the logic? How can i deduce the motives of plastic pieces?"

There is a mad rush for the best Cluedo characters. In the end, John claims Colonel Mustard, Sherlock is Professor Plum, Mycroft has Reverend Green. Greg is left with Miss Peacock.

Greg sulks. John tries not to laugh.

Sherlock asks if he can take Reverend Green in for interrogation. John explains that's not how the game works.
John sees Lestrade’s cards reflected in the mirror behind him. He now knows it was the lead pipe.
Sherlock asks for all the other characters cooperation in recreating the scene of the crime. John explains that's not how the game works.

Sherlock wants to know if the victim is related to any of the suspects. John explains that's not how the game works.
Mycroft can see through John’s paper due to the lamp behind him. He now knows it was the lead pipe in the kitchen.

Lestrade can only seem to roll the numbers one or two and so never actually manages to get into any room. He sulks.

Sherlock is deducing which room would be most beneficial to enter; John gets out Miss Scarlet and has Colonel Mustard chat her up.

Sherlock sees Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard getting a bit too friendly in the billiard room and decides to investigate.

Reverend Green gets restless whilst waiting for his turn and starts dancing with Mrs White in the ballroom.

Sherlock thinks Mrs White has an uncanny resemblance to Mrs Hudson.

Mycroft chooses to say nothing. He is a little frightened that anything said against Mrs Hudson would result in him taking several trips out the window.

John sees Mycroft flinch and forces back a smile. He agrees that yes, she does have an uncanny resemblance to Mrs White.

The game has turned into a soap opera. Colonel Mustard is having an affair with Miss Scarlet who is engaged to Reverend Green. Professor Plum knocks over Miss White in a fit of rage and Miss Peacock seems to still be wandering around the corridors aimlessly.

John reveals the cards and wins the game; the truth is that it was Professor Plum in the kitchen with the lead pipe. Everyone looks at Sherlock with mock how could you expressions that soon crumble when he gasps “that cannot be right!" and looks for all the world as if he has just been framed for a real murder.

Sherlock refuses to accept that he was the murderer without knowing he was the murderer.

Lestrade tells Sherlock it is just a game and he won't be taken into police custody.

Sherlock gives Lestrade the evils of a lifetime.
Sherlock throws Professor Plum like a toddler throwing a tantrum. John will find it a week later on top of the bookshelf.
John proposes they play Monopoly.
Sherlock proposes they burn Cluedo in the fiery depths of hell.
In the end, Sherlock stabs the Cluedo board to the wall in a fit of rage and John wonders, not for the first time, if the consulting detective is actually five years old.
There is a mad scramble for the monopoly pieces; nobody wants to be left with the iron.
Sherlock grabs the car. John takes the dog. Mycroft, the boat. Lestrade gets the iron. He sulks.

Mycroft swaps his piece with Lestrade’s. It's worth being an iron to see him grin like that.

Sherlock glares at his brother. Something fishy's going on there.

Sherlock wants to be banker. He deals out everyone's cash.

Everyone double checks the amount of cash Sherlock’s given them. John and Greg are short of one hundred, Mycroft of two hundred. “Must we be so immature, Sherlock?” Mycroft asks with a pinched expression. “We must” Sherlock replies, mimicking him exactly.

Nobody notices Sherlock slip an extra five hundred pounds into his socks.

John points out that there is no Baker Street on the board. Sherlock finds this utterly unacceptable and draws a square on a piece of paper, writes Baker Street in the middle, licks it and then sticks it to the board. He puts a little green house on it and a thousand pound fine for anyone that lands on it who isn't himself or John.

Mycroft insists on buying Pall Mall, Mayfair and Oxford Street. Sherlock refers to that area of the board as 'snotville'

Lestrade lands on Baker Street and loses all his money.

Snotville has expanded to include six hotels and thirteen houses.

Mycroft lands on Baker Street and by then Sherlock says the fine has risen to two thousand pounds.

Mycroft is saved from bankruptcy by John landing in snotville.

Sherlock lends John enough money to pay for the fines, Mycroft deems this as cheating to which Sherlock petulantly replies "I can do what i want, I’m the banker"

Monopoly is abandoned when Snotville expands until the board is basically just lots of red hotels.
Lestrade loses at Jenga and blames it on the fact that he has 'stubby little hands'

Sherlock wins at Jenga and flexes his fingers infront of everybody.

John thinks about what else Sherlock’s fingers are good for...ahem... Chopping vegetables etc

Mycroft thinks about John thinking about what else Sherlock’s fingers are good for. He doesn't want to know

Lestrade thinks about why John is blushing, Mycroft is grimacing and Sherlock is looking indescribably smug.

They move onto battleships. John and Sherlock on one team, Mycroft and Lestrade on the other.

Sherlock demands to be called captain, Mycroft raises his eyebrows “Still aspiring to be a pirate are we, Sherlock?” John thinks maybe the red wine was a bad idea.

Sherlock mimes two ships crashing together and exploding with sound effects. John thinks maybe the red wine was the best idea ever.

Sherlock deduces where Mycroft would put the ships and where he thinks that Sherlock thinks he would put the ships. He strategically places each ship on the board and tells Mycroft to hurry up.

Greg has left the strategic boat placing to Mycroft; he seems to know what he's doing.

Greg whispers the coordinates into Mycroft’s ear. Sherlock raises an eyebrow and Mycroft fights to hide his blush.

After twenty minutes of not one single co-ordinate being correct, it's clear both teams are rearranging their ships to avoid being hit. They abandon the game but for some reason Sherlock is still adamant about being called captain. John doesn't object.

Sherlock insists he is sober enough to play and win a game of chess despite consuming more wine than everyone else put together.

Sherlock seizes his knights and gallops them around the chess board. He begins to neigh; John and Greg are on the floor laughing.

Greg videos Sherlock neighing. John swears he cannot breathe and Mycroft has tears in his eyes.

They play Cranium. This doesn’t go according to plan. Sherlock draws a picture of Mycroft on a scrap piece of paper. It is essentially an oversized blob, a pointy nose and speechbubbles reading "i love cake" and "I’m gay for Lestrade"

Very awkward silence
Awkward silence is broken by Sherlock choking on a purple piece of play dough; luckily John is at hand and manages to save him from a frankly pathetic death. He glances at the board game and reads ‘not suitable for children under the age of six’, which apparently, Sherlock falls under the category of.

Mycroft insists that no amount of alcohol will influence him to play Twister. He is correct. It is the unexpected flexibility of DI Lestrade on the mat that influences Mycroft to play Twister.

Sherlock has his hands on one side of the mat, his feet on the other. He has nice view of John’s crotch. John is stretched on top of Sherlock; Mycroft’s arse is in his face. Lestrade torso is grazing against Mycroft’s, he is about to fall.

Mrs Hudson walks into 221B and finds Greg on top of Mycroft. Sherlock is wrapped in what looks like a twister mat and he is wriggling around like a caterpillar. She decides it’s probably for the best if she just goes back downstairs and takes a herbal soother.

Mycroft and Lestrade both decide it is about time they left, the snow seems to have cleared up somewhat. Lestrade sways on the spot and holds onto Mycroft for balance. He calls him a 'pretty girl' but Mycroft just pretends he didn’t hear that.

Mycroft insists he give a lift home to Lestrade and the two disappear into the awaiting black car outside, unfortunately not before they hear Sherlock shout “Use a condom!” at them.

John wakes up to his head throbbing and something hot breathing on his neck. He strains to take a look and finds Sherlock, for some reason wrapped in a Twister mat, lounging over him.

Sherlock wakes up to see John looking at him strangely. Awkwardness ensues and Sherlock thinks it’s probably best to not ask how they both ended up unconscious on the sofa.

Sherlock and John are called into Scotland Yard; they decided to go to keep up appearances. They are both delighted to discover upon arrival that Lestrade looks about as shit as they feel, he gives Sherlock a nervous glance which Sherlock assumes to mean he woke up in an even more compromising position. Nevertheless, he concentrates on the case in hand.

Sherlock and John leave Scotland Yard. Sherlock wonders why everyone is neighing at him under their breath.