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Yarrface vs. Fannybaws

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Captain Yarrface sat on the bow of the good ship Rumahoy, soaking up the tropical sun and, chugging bottles of rum, and chowing down on a 96 ounce steak. He had just partied with Captain Chris in Tortuga. Captain Chris had used Yarrface’s treasure gun to murder the dreaded pirate Vernon (Captain Yarrface had pissed on his dead body). Yarrface and his crew had also come from ancient Egypt after rescuing his crew from a bunch of mummies (he killed the mummies too).

“I am Captain Yarrface! And Welcome to the sea!” he bellowed, “and I am the greatest pirate in the whole world! Ain’t that right Bootsman?”

“Uhh,” replied Bootsman Walktheplank, “if you say so.”

“Hell to the yes!” replied the captain, “I’ve killed sharks, monsters, and anyone who threatens me with my glorious treasure gun,” he caressed the weapon, “I’ve won
every battle to ever exist, and front the GREATEST PIRATE BAND IN THE FUCKING WORLD! Also, I’m the only one who does Poop Deck Parties!”


“Oh shit!” Swashbuckling Pete said as he started playing a battle song, “an epic battle ensues. It’s the dreaded pirate Fannybaws!”

The ships started sailing towards each other.

“Ah, piece of cake,” Yarrface said, “An easy victory for me.”

“But,” Pete then said, “It’s Fannybaws. He’s beat the Vikings and killed the terrorsquid. Also, he has a fucking TWO FOOT LONG COCK!”

“Oh shit!” Bootsman said from the background.

“Alrighty then,” Yarrface said, “this battle will be EPICLY LEGENDARY!”

Fannybaws arrived on his ship, the Scum. He stood right at the edge, all naked except for a tiger’s pelt. He really did have a two foot cock.

“So,” Fannybaws said in a thick Scottish accent, “we finally meet each other, FOR THE FINAL TIME!”

Fannybaws then took out all four pistols on his belt and aimed them right at Captain Yarrface while drinking a bucket of rum.

“Yes we do!” Captain Yarrface replied, “And it’s time for you to fucking die!” He pulled out his treasure gun.

“OH FUCK YOU!” Fannybaws screamed as the two pirates charged at each other.

“HOOKS OUT FOR HARAMBE!” shouted a voice in the background.

“I’ll fucking murder you!” Fannybaws said, “Like I murdered the terrorsquid.”

“Well,” Yarrface said as he loaded his treasure gun, “The beer from my town is better than yours!”

He fired the gun but Fannybaws dodged out of the way right in time.

“Ah, pathetic,” Fannybaws replied, “I’ll show you,” he then shot all four pistols which made holes in Yarrface’s hat.

“Oh, my fucking hat!” Captain Yarrface shouted, “YOU WILL FUCKING PAY!”

The captain got out his sword and so did Fannybaws.

“You are no match for me,” Fannybaws said as the battle carried on.

“I’ll shit on your dead body!” Yarrface said.

The two fought with their cutlasses, never hitting each other, until suddenly, Yarrface delivered a slice that chopped Fannybaws’ beard right off.

“Oh fuck you!” Fannybaws said, “that was all I had. Now I’ll show you how a real pirate does it!”

Fannybaws lunged at Captain Yarrface and tackled him to the ground.

“BOOTS!” Yarrface said, “Fire the cannons!”

A large cannon blast send a chunk of lead into the ship Scum, leaving a hole. Water was slowly leaking in.

“Oh you really think you got it!” Fannybaws screamed, as his ship returned a cannon blast right to the Rumahoy. The ship shook, and started to sink.

“Yes I really do got it!” Captain Yarrface shouted as he lifted his sword.

Suddenly, Fannybaws sliced Yarrface’s black ski mask right off of his head. He didn’t have a face at all. He had lost it to a shark many years ago.

“You don’t have a face!” Fannybaws said.

“Well, so what!” Yarrface shouted as he tackled the other pirate.

The two wrestled on the deck of the ship and continued to punch at each other.

“You will never see the light of day again!” Fannybaws shouted.

“Well,” Captain Yarrface said, “I guess I will have to eat you and shit you out on the poop deck!”

The two continued beating each other and now both looked like they could die at any moment. But then, all of a sudden, someone flew down from the sky wearing wolf fur armor.

“FOR THE ETERNAL GLORY OF DUNDEE!” shouted the Hootsman as he crashed into Earth and blew up the entire planet.