Hi, Tiffy, it’s me. Sorry I missed your call … Yes, Happy New Year to you too … Yeah, um ... No, nothing bad. It’s been brilliant but … What? Oh no, I didn’t drink any Schnapps at all. Just pineapple juice and champagne. Not together, although … Yeah, sorry, anyway, you’ll never guess who I met … No, not Prince Harry. Miles better than that. I met Sherlock Holmes! ... Yes, cross my heart, terrapins and everything … I know, and John Watson as well. They were both at the party, on a case. Undercover … Well yes. It was fancy dress, everyone was … Yes, my hat did say on, for a bit anyway. And Theresa came as a medieval knight, Martin came as a First World War fighter pilot and Douglas was James Bond …. Pardon? … Ninjas? No, they were both dressed as Victorians. I didn’t recognise them at first but then, just as Martin got down on one knee …. Oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell you things like that first. I’ll put it on the list, hang on a minute ….
You still there, Tiffy? … Yeah, she did. But not right then because … No, nothing do with me at all. One minute Martin had gone all pale and shaky and Theresa was asking him if was alright then, just as he was kneeling down and taking her hand, the shouted started and suddenly Captain America was running straight for us, hotly pursued by two Victorians … Yeah, it does sound odd now I come to tell you. Anyway, poor Martin couldn’t get out of the way and got knocked into Theresa by Captain America, the shorter Victorian collided with Theresa and knocked her on top of Martin and the taller Victorian just vaulted over them both … No, I promise. You know how rubbish I am at making stuff up … Okay, if you really want to write it down I’ll wait ….
Can I carry on yet? … Right, well Douglas and Herc helped Theresa up and Martin was still on the floor, trying to find the ring because he’d dropped it and I don’t know what happened with the chase because I tried to help him but once we’d found it and I looked up, Captain America was lying on the floor with the shorter Victorian sitting on top of him and the taller one was examining his shield … No that’s not a euphemism. Or at least I don’t think …. Oh, that’s what it means. Then no, definitely not.
So then the Hotel Manager rushed over and loudly started thanking Sherlock Holmes for apprehending a dangerous criminal and that was when I realised who they were … No, that’s not all. I haven’t even got to the best bit yet. Because once the police had arrived and taken Captain America away, Sherlock and John came and spoke to us! … Well yes, John was sort of dragging him but that doesn’t matter. John introduced them both, apologised for knocking Theresa over and offered to check both her and Martin for injuries but then Sherlock interrupted and said they should leave us so that the Princess could accept her pilot’s proposal. Martin went bright red and just held the ring out and Theresa laughed and said yes and kissed him and everyone clapped and Mum ordered champagne and it was brilliant!
We danced until midnight and then went on the terrace and saw the fireworks and sang Auld Lang Syne and I got to use my emergency party popper and … No. I thought they’d gone home when Sherlock said they should but when I left to come up here and call you, I saw them coming out of storage cupboard and … Because it said so on the door, Tiffy, and … I wasn’t really looking but I suppose they did look a bit messy. And John’s fake moustache had come right off … You need to what? … Twitter? But I don’t ... Tiffy? Tiffy? …
Oh, I suppose we must have got cut off … Well, goodnight anyway. Sleep well.