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Hidden Desires

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Bella learned early on that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Learns it when she is three years old and is too young to truly understand why her father is a no-good bastard that would never see Bella again (Charlie had grown the balls to fight Renee for custody. He lost.) When she is five, her mom forgets to pick her up from kindergarten two-weeks in and she has to lie to her teacher that “yes, that lady is my mommy, don’t worry” (the lady is someone random across the street) and walk five-blocks home. 

She learns it the first time her mom comes home drunk (she had been fired for the third time that year) and screams and punches and Bella watches her skin turn purple and yellow in the mirror the next day (her mom was smart even while wasted; hit where the bruises don’t show). She learns when she’s nine years old and finally starting to slowly grow breasts and hips and her mom’s no-good boyfriend starts to notice (Renee blamed her when she found the boyfriend trying to grab at Bella). 

She is twelve years old when Renee just stops trying to find a job and Bella goes weeks, months, without an actual meal (she can count her ribs when she looks in the mirror). She is fourteen years old the first time she gets blood on her hands after punching a boy in school that slapped her ass (Bella gets a beating at home when she’s suspended for a week). She finds that she likes the feeling. 

Her mom gets re-married and when she makes an off-handed comment about Bella no longer really needing a mother, Bella agrees (not like she ever truly had one). 

She is seventeen years old and she knows how it feels to be powerless, to be weak, to be the prey. She meets the Cullens and finds out their secret and she wants to be the predator. She wants to look in the mirror and see power, a force to be reckoned with (she wants to be someone her mother fears). 

She gets Edward to believe she is in love with him, bats her eyes and gives docile smiles (the way her mother did when she got the cashier to give them a free meal). She lets Alice believe they are best friends and lets the rest of the Cullens think her part of the family, another daughter and sister (she sees a kindred spirit in Rosalie and than learns that she despises what she is and Bella starts to hate her). 

She looks James right in the eye when he threatens her and wonders if he would change her (he doesn’t, just nearly kills her). She can’t scream her frustration when Edward does not change her, so she makes him want her for the rest of his existence. 

She is eighteen and she is kissing a vampire and the danger of it all is exhilarating but Edward is boring (he is so very gentle with her even after she argues that he can hold her tighter, kiss her harder). She learns that Jasper and Emmett killed Laurent and Victoria and Bella hides her anger (she wanted to kill them herself, wanted to make them feel the way she has for her whole life). 

Bella does not let Alice throw her a party and when Alice looks into Bella’s eyes, she sees something dangerous, a girl that will take what she wants and she knows she let the fox into the hen house (it is too late to change anything now, so Alice keeps it to herself). 

She is nineteen and she is impatient, so she says yes when Edward proposes to her. She lets Alice plan it and lets everyone call her Mrs. Cullen. She is nineteen and married and Edward finally has sex with her and she lies and says it was great (he was too cold and hard and she would rather just fuck an icicle than fuck him again). 

He finally changes her and his venom burns through her, turning her from prey to predator. She altered her fate and took her place on the top of the totem pole. She finally won. 

Bella opens her eyes and smiles.