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I Saw The Sun

Summary:

Sam and Bella both lie to themselves. An imprint might change that.

Notes:

Generally inspired by Through the Window Came the Wind by lifelesslyndsey (deadnow), The Movement of the Earth by audreyii-fic, and the overall writing style of Adlyb.

 

“It’s a hard thing to leave any deeply routine life, even if you hate it.” ― John Steinbeck

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Sam Part One

Chapter Text

When I think back to that time, the anger might be the worst part. Before those weeks spent panicking in the forest, I shook. My whole body spasmed every time something so goddamn inconsequential ticked me off. 

I watched myself in the mirror once, before I knew the truth. It looked like I was becoming detached from reality itself. Now, that thought only elicits a dry laugh from me. If only I could disappear from this realm. I don’t think I’d come back.

And Leah. God, poor Leah. I proposed to her only two months before. It was supposed to be a happy time. Instead, we fought more and more. This time the rough sex didn’t make up for it. I wanted to slash her throat when I yelled at her. Afterwards, nothing scared me more in my life. 

Even my mom wasn’t protected from this new rage. I didn’t want her coming over to my house. Dusting the curtains, trying to cook something for me. That song she’d always hum. My nerves were on fire. I’d run outside to escape her presence. Chop some fucking wood. 

College wasn’t the comfort I usually found it to be. I was taking an online summer class, trying to catch up on the grueling engineering major I chose for myself. The anger at myself only increased. For being an idiot, a bad fiancé and son, and ultimately for being a person who wanted to burn down the world for no good reason.

I thought there was some kind of monster inside of me. Something that was only going to get worse.

I was right.

The triggering moment was overhearing my mom’s conversation with him. Joshua Uley. Only one of many deadbeats on the rez. He just happened to be ours. I told her to never talk to him again, never give him any more money. But she doesn’t listen! A soft spot for a man that abandoned you and your child!

My wrath felt righteous, but my body felt like I was going to explode. In a way, I guess I did. I backed up from her window and ran into the forest. It took me a few miles to realize my legs were paws.

I spent a month trapped out there. Not knowing how to phase back into a human. It took me too long to admit what I was. An animal. A wolf.

Giant and covered in black fur. It felt fitting: where the rage once lied was now a black void. Only self hatred remained.

I ate deer and rabbits raw. I gnawed on the bones. I drank from the rushing streams. I wanted to kill myself.

Instinct told me to map the forest. Learn every configuration of possible tree patterns here. It helped that I realized pretty quickly just how fast I was. The running was the only part I actually enjoyed.

Otherwise, I howled incessantly at the moon. I think I was crying to go home. 

When I couldn’t sleep most nights, I’d pace around and think about the legends. If I was human, I’d throw up knowing they were actually true. A better warning would have been appreciated.

Yeah, it took me too long to realize my emotions were tied to my current state. Rage got me into this predicament. Depression kept me here. Maybe only acceptance would get me out.

I didn’t hate the wolf anymore. And I knew it wasn’t a separate being from me. It was just another me. A version I could grow to care for. But I needed to be human sometimes to do that. I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend my life stuck in either form. I would return to the animal state again. Maybe that would be enough.

I found myself looking at the Black house from the trees. I breathed in calmly as I could, then let it all exit from my snout. I tried to find peace.

I was a man again.

Huddled on the ground and gasping for air from the shock of everything. Maybe I cried out. Maybe I struggled obviously towards Billy’s house. But he wheeled himself out on the front porch and shined a light in my face.

“Here, son. Got a quilt for you to cover up with.”

I made it to my feet once again and hobbled over. I tried to square my shoulders and retain as much dignity as possible. I doubt I was successful.

He looked at me with sad, knowing eyes when I took the blanket.

“I better call Harry and Old Quil. Suppose we have a lot of explaining to do.”

They told me how they expected me to transform soon. They just didn’t think it would take me so long to change back.

The signs are thought to be obvious, they say.  The anger, the sudden growth and increase in appetite, feverish body temperature. I think back to that time and didn’t realize why I hadn’t noticed my changing body more. I was just too consumed by the rage. But the comments by Leah and my mom suddenly hit me. 

My mom eyeing me up and down: “I thought boys stopped growing after twenty.”

Leah gripping my muscles as I thrusted into her.

“You’re huge,” she said.

I thought she was talking about something else.

And they told me why this change happens. The Cold Ones. They trigger the gene everytime they get too close to our people. 

That only meant one thing to me. They’ve returned.

The instinct in my to tear these creatures limb from limb burned. But I couldn’t. Harry and Billy told me of the treaty a hundred years ago with the ‘vegetarian’ bloodsuckers.

“Watch the Cullens,” Harry said. “But not too closely. Just enough to let them get the hint. That is your purpose for now.”

Old Quil nodded, “So it is.”

I didn’t want to watch, I wanted to kill. I thought I almost got the chance when the bodies showed up. Their leader, Carlisle, persuaded us of the responsibility falling on a group of passing nomads. The treaty still stood.

Before that though, I watched them casually for two years. I took note of which animals they each preferred to slaughter. Bears for the one that favored himself the strongest. Mountain lions for the only one without a partner. They mastered the art of sucking them dry without spilling a single drop on the forest floor.

I hated them. I hated their desire to blend into regular human society. A goddamn doctor. And high school students, really?  

I hated that they could fit in, more or less, when I was forced to give up everything about my life. No more college. No more Leah. Not even the tribal elder’s daughter could know. 

I did my best to ignore her when I couldn’t find the words to face her with. I stopped answering her calls. Crossed the street when I saw her from afar. My new heightened vision made it so I could see her coming before she noticed. It tore a hole inside me every time I did it.

Harry and Billy warned me there would be others. My second duty was to watch the youth of the rez exhibit the same symptoms as me. It would take four months before anyone did. And then another twelve months after that.

I remember Billy looking over at his son playing video games with two other kids down the hall of his house. Young Quil and Embry. They were all fourteen.

“If the Cullens stick around, Jacob will turn. We are descended from the last alpha. It is his rightful place.”

I found myself wishing I could give him the role now. But his age and soft features filled me with cloying pity. How could I wish this on someone else?

After two months of ignoring her, Leah’s calls increased. Her voicemails were more frantic. Looking back, I shouldn’t have deleted every one. She knew I was at least listening then.

Leah Clearwater was never one to get the message right away. Or at the very least, she’d spit in its face before acknowledging the truth. I suppose I should have seen it coming that she’d wind up outside of my house eventually. Green and blue plaid shirt, dirty jeans. She was angry.

Old Quil had been giving me lessons to keep my temper in check. I tried to remember them then. Yet, I found myself not in need of any anger management help. I was too depressed for this shit.

“What the fuck is your deal, Uley!” Leah spat out. Her arms crossed and eyes bulging.

I ignored her. I tried to keep walking to the house, focusing on the sound of dirt beneath my bare feet. She grabbed my arm, but I pushed her off as easily as one would with a flea.

She gasped at my movement.

“I don’t know if I want this kind of a man for a husband,” she snarled. “Or a father.”

“Well, we’re in agreement there,” I bit back.

Leah paled, “What?” 

I stared at her, willing her to get the hint. Her long hair swished in the wind while her body remained still.

“What are you saying.” Her voice lacked the usual bite it had. There she was, standing with that face of fearing rejection. I had to turn away.

“We’re over, Leah.”

She didn’t say anything. I’m not even sure she looked at me. She seemed to stare right through my corporeal being.

I breathed in deeply, steeling myself: “It isn’t right for us to be together anymore. I can’t let you into my life. I’ve got to go it alone now.”

“I hate you, Sam.”

Yeah, well, I hate myself too, baby.

She was turning to leave, finally. But Leah Clearwater always has to have the last word.

“I’ll be waiting whenever you decide to get your shit together.”

I straightened my spine, towering over her. “Don’t. Give up hope.” Her black eyes widened further, but I wasn’t going to see anymore of her response.

I left her outside just as the rain began to pour.

The weeks and even months after felt as bleak as the weather. I was trailing a kid. Paul Lahote, sixteen and still in high school. He was next. Old Quil said he felt it in his bones. 

His anger was even worse then mine, I couldn’t believe it. Ultimately, I chalked it up to being an inherent trait of his personality rather than just wolf transitioning. It made me wonder what kind of beast he’d be out in nature. Enough of one to kill the bloodsuckers, I hoped.

I felt the snap when I was laying down bricks for a tool shack outside my house. His first phasing was easier than mine. Thank the gods for it. But only because I’d been there. I spent two days in the forest following him around while he learned to track the scent of blood. It was then that we discovered the mind link.

“Get the hell out of my head!”

His dark silver form trotted away from mine. I realized he was absentmindedly mapping the forest the same way I once was. 

“You need to calm down,” I answered.

“I will when you leave me alone, you freak.”

I let the insult roll off. “I can’t do that.”

Paul only huffed through his snout in response.

“You will need to follow your duty now, Paul. You have been given a great gift and a curse, but the responsibility is unavoidable.” I tried my best to sound sure.

When the smaller wolf didn’t answer my talk, I decided to push my luck. “You need to learn to control your anger if you want to phase back.”

“Go to hell.”

I felt the familiar rage build up inside me. As a result I stopped Paul from killing his chosen hunt while he continued to ignore me. He gnawed his teeth at me and growled louder than I heard myself ever do. His barks and snarling indicated he wanted to fight.

My paws dug into the forest floor.

You will stand down now.”

The command shook us both. I didn’t realize I had such a voice inside of me. And neither of us realized Paul would have to follow it.

After that incident, he warmed up to me. We tested out the link and the commands a few more times. When Paul was ready, I took him back to Old Quil.

At the very least, Paul would need to cut off all his hair as I had and take the same Quileute protector mark on his shoulder. He abhorred the changes, but I made him shut his mouth during the whole ordeal.

When he focused on me, the elder confirmed the pit of suspicion within my stomach. I had the Alpha’s voice. I was the dominant wolf. At least until Jacob Black was ready.

“Some fucking leader you are,” Paul would hiss at me when we patrolled outside. I made him miss late night sports games. But his words lacked his previous animosity so I knew he respected my position finally.

The progress with the small pack didn’t match my personal life, however.

My mom was furious with me. I was always the mature and responsible son. Now, I dropped out of college without giving her a good reason why. I didn’t come over very often. I think ending things with Leah was the last straw. She’d march into my house, look around, and cast disapproving eyes everywhere. It was a mess, yeah. But I wasn’t asking for company anymore.

“You’re living like an animal,” Allison Uley cursed at me.

Thanks for that, mom.

I might have laughed if the stress wasn’t getting to me. Instead I found myself shaking like I did right before I turned. It was a dangerous spot to be in.

Breathing through my nose wasn’t working, so I began to pace around the living room.

“Won’t you answer me at all?” her voice was splintering.

“Need to know,” I answered through clenched teeth. My fists were balls.

“I am your mother!”

Before I could answer at all, there was an incessant knocking at my door. My anger soared. I flung it open without a second thought. Not like anything behind it could threaten me.

“Who the hell are you?” I ground out.

She was a beautiful woman. Similar in age to Leah. Too similar in physical features and stance.

“I want to know why the hell you’ve dumped my cousin.”

I bite down on my bottom lip hard enough for it to bleed and heal repeatedly.

“Now is not a good time.”

My mom pushed her way forward to look at the unwelcome visitor.

“No, let her in. I want to know too.”

I drew a shaky hand through my chopped hair as I couldn’t stop the second woman from ganging up on me. 

“I want you both to leave.”

The woman, Emily Young, crossed her arms. “No.”

My mom hissed out in the most vicious tone I’d ever heard. “You are becoming just like your father, Samuel!”

That did it for me. My nerves snapped. I phase right in front of two people not allowed to know this most precious of tribal secrets.

I stayed in the wolf form for a long moment before the screams fully reached my ears. 

I had slashed my mom.

The panic and dread set in immediately. Emily rushed to my mom’s side and tore off her own shirt to stop the bleeding. It soaked through in mere seconds.

I didn’t know what to do, so I howled right there in my kitchen.

“Sam!” Emily yelled out. Her eyes were wet and my mom was unresponsive. “Do something!”

Before shock and pain consumed my every being, I felt the tendrils of the mind link enter my head.

“I’m getting help right now,” Paul said. 

It was enough to calm me down to phase back.

I rushed to her side. “Oh god, mom. Oh god. I’m so sorry.” 

She groaned when I touched her face. I reached for the kitchen towels, but they weren’t enough. My mind fell blank on what to do next.

Emily ran to the bathroom and pulled out the bath towels. She pressed them against my mom, but now Allison Uley only fought the increased pressure. She waved her hands trying to get us away from her.

“Mom, please, stay still!” I begged. “Help’s coming, okay?”

Emily looked at me like she couldn’t understand how I knew that when neither of us had called 911. I didn’t have time to explain anything to her.

Sue Clearwater entered my house with Paul at her side.

She was a nurse and my stomach lurched when I saw she’d brought an at-home first aid kit. That wasn’t going to be nearly enough.

“We’ll stop the bleeding and then we’ll get her to the hospital.”

I nodded and paced around while she and Emily continued to work. Whenever Emily’s wide confused eyes tried to reach mine, I’d turn away every time.

I think we waited there for half an hour, maybe more until Sue pulled back with bloody hands and a stained shirt.

“She’s stable. We’ve got to take her now.”

Paul scoffed, “And what are we going to tell the doctors?”

Sue looked me dead in the eye, “That a bear attacked her.”

I waited by her side for days. I forced Paul to patrol without me. I couldn’t face the wolf form anytime soon.

The drip of the IV and the hospital monitor seemed to be the only indicators of passing time. Sleep eluded me. My head finally fell into my hands when a soft touch was felt on my shoulder.

Emily Young gave me the most heartbreaking smile of my life.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Sam,” she said. “I just want you to know that I understand now.”

I swallowed, “Leah can’t know. Even if her parents do.”

Emily nodded. She sat beside me while I clutched my mom’s hand. It was easy to talk to her then. Tell the secrets of the tribe to a person who wasn’t an elder or my responsibility. She seemed to understand everything. Her reactions weren’t harsh, not like I’d expect of Leah. She barely said anything while I talked at all. 

My throat was dry at the end, but when I went up to get us something to drink from the vending machine, my mom’s hand squeezed mine.

“That’s a hell of a secret, Sammy.” 

Her voice, though strained, was light and almost amused.

I might have cried then.

My mom was going to be scarred for life. Facial scars. Everyone would always stare.

Emily let me sob on her shoulder in the hall. 

Rehabilitating my mom wasn’t easy for me. She swatted my hand away when I tried to help her with anything. I don’t know if she felt any animosity towards me. She was normally so easy to read. Maybe she was upset I couldn’t meet her eyes. She would huff at me when I ducked my head and left her curled up on her couch. 

I still had my patrols to run and Paul’s temper to tend to. He complained constantly about his new look and lack of time to talk to his friends.

“I’m going to turn out like you,”  he cried,“a goddamn sob story.”

For that I made us stay out two hours later practicing to fight. It grated me that while I was bigger and stronger, he was a brilliant tactical fighter. For now, I could still beat him easily enough. Paul was annoying, but he was earning his place as second in command.

He was also right. I was a sob story.

My mom finally grabbed my hand and forced me to look at her face. It was rough. The jagged red lines would turn into silvery scars later on, I knew. Yet for the moment she really did look like she’d had a run in with a monster. Me.

“I’ve ruined your life,” I said to her. 

She rolled her eyes, “Your father said something similar to me when I told him I was pregnant with you.”

I gulped, “Maybe he was right. It only came to fruition decades later.”

“Oh, please!” she scoffed. “You men and your arrogance in thinking us women are fragile creatures that need coddling. I am fine. You’re going to be fine too, son. Let Emily visit you. I know she wants to see you when she comes to take care of me.”

My teeth ground together, “Alright, fine, tell her she can come over to my house. I keep the doors unlocked anyway.”

My mom smiled like a scheming matchmaker. “She’s much nicer than Leah.”

At first, Emily didn’t show up when I was there. I’m not sure how she managed it. My schedule wasn’t entirely regular with patrols at odd hours. But I would get home and find a hot meal prepared for me. 

The first one came with a note: “Hope you’re doing well--Emily.”

She was a decent cook, I had to admit. I liked her more fragrant flavors, but I preferred her simple meat and potato stew. It was maybe two weeks of this before I decided I was being horribly ungrateful and needed to do something to remedy it.

I left a note on my dining table for her, “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Emily must have found it because I caught her just leaving my house the next night. I don’t think she’d normally let herself get caught. 

She blushed and fidgeted with her pink shirt, “I left you dessert this time too. I’m a much better baker.”

“Hey,” I said without thinking, “Why don’t you eat with me?”

She liked that offer. I was lonely and beyond stressed, so I ended up liking it too. We talked for hours, about anything other than the heaviness on top of me. I learned of her aspirations: maybe one day open a bakery in Forks and most definitely have tons of children. My stomach lurched at that. Leah had often told me of her own desire to be a mother. It was only getting slightly easier to push down the unconscious similarities I noticed between them. Emily noticed my mind wander and steered the conversation back to something else light and humorous. She was good at that. She was good at many things.

I started catching her outside of my house weekly. We’d chat and laugh. It was beginning to make the loud on my shoulders lighter. I couldn’t help telling her of the many mundane and frustrating parts of being Alpha. How many damn kids were on my list to watch. She found it funny so I did too.

I reached over and brushed a piece of her hair out her eyes.

“I like the bangs,” I admitted.

We both stilled instantly realizing my actions. She went home after and I cursed myself for flirting with my ex fiancé's cousin.

It soon became very apparent to me that other people were taking notice of it as well. I caught even more scowls from the local populace than I already did. They called Emily a “homewrecker.” The anger from that was almost enough to get me to phase in the middle of the street.

Only my mom seemed happy with it. And since I scarred her permanently, I felt it better to give into her whims than fight it.

But Harry and Billy disagreed. So they told me another secret to change the course of my life.

They said it could happen to any of the pack members, but it was rare. True love. Soul mates. An imprint.

And they told me that it would be obvious when it happened so it obviously hadn’t happened yet. It wouldn’t happen to anyone I’d already seen. I didn’t have it with Emily. Or Leah. Or any of the common women in my life.

Harry knocked me on the shoulder as much as he could, “Better you didn’t imprint on my daughter, eh?”

For the first time in months, I glared at someone with all my might. Harry just shook his head.

“I’m sorry it’s not your Emily either.”

I don’t think I stuck around for more conversation after that. Phasing in the woods and running as fast as I could was the only path in front of me. Paul, of course, caught on quickly to my frantic movements. He trailed me until I relayed all the information through the mind link.

“God, that’s horrifying. One woman for the rest of your life!”

It was fine to have one woman. It just had to be a woman of my choice.

I ran home and phased to find Emily sitting outside waiting for me. She must have seen it on my face instantly.

“What’s wrong?” her brows furrowed.

So I told her. Her reactions were surprisingly unemotional. She gave me that look of pity once again. I didn’t need to see this anymore.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I’ve decided I’ll be whatever you need now.” Her eyes shone with a light I’d never seen before. It rendered me dumbstruck.

“I wish I imprinted on you, Emily,” I told her. I cupped her face and kissed her lips. Our mouths pressed together but I made no move to do anything else. Wanting to pepper her face and neck with soft kisses felt wrong, so I didn’t.

When I reached back for air, I pressed our foreheads together. I listened to her steady breathing and heartbeat. It was stronger than mine. I was a mess, wishing for a certain life with another woman I couldn’t have.

“Is this what you want, Sam?” Emily asked with those wide doe eyes that made me shatter inside. 

“Yes.”

My body wanted it. I didn’t dare listen to the whining in my heart.

I let her take me upstairs, guide me onto the bed. She rolled her hips on top of me until I was sputtering beneath her. It was embarrassingly quick. 

I found myself laying her down beside me, wishing my bedsheets were as soft as her skin, touching her nipples and clit while I pumped myself hard again. Her reactions were quiet. When I entered her again from on top, her round warm eyes sentenced my soul to death. Her mouth slightly parted, moans softer than any human man might be able to hear. She didn’t lose eye contact. I cried while buried inside of her. I don’t think I even finished the second time.

“Wow, you’re a miserable lay, Sam,”  Paul’s voice echoed into my mind when we patrolled after. He felt smug, flickering between the memories of his many successful conquests.

I cursed him out.

Emily was maybe the only person I’d get to talk about my new life with outside of the pack and the elders. I couldn’t put anymore of it onto my mom even though she’d ask. I wasn’t going to turn Emily away, even if they whole world expected me to eventually.

We settled into a rhythm easily enough. But neither of us felt right calling it an official relationship. I spent a year trying to work up the nerve to cement a true life with her. Then I’d think of Leah and I couldn’t do it. Maybe Emily did too because she never pressed me for anything more than what I could offer. We laughed with each other, maybe that was enough.

But I knew she was bearing the brunt of the rez gossip. And her relationship with Leah was ruined because of me. 

Billy and Harry wondered when no one else had phased yet. They suspected that the boys who carried the gene were too young now. I thought differently. The vampire threat wasn’t increasing so whatever mystic forces followed us saw no need to make more protectors. It grated on my nerves that the universe might deem the Cullens to be safe. The one without a partner had found a human girl in Forks to romance. That was anything but safe.

Or at least the threat didn’t increase until the group of violent nomads passed through. 

A kid named Jared Cameron started growing rapidly. Old Quill shook his hand one day. Hot to the touch.

It made my stomach sour. 

And evidently, we were too late to deal with the nomads. The Cullens had taken care of them first before I even got a decent look at who they were. Convenient. 

The summer passed without much incident. I made Paul trail Jared regularly. And we kept a short list of who would come after if the threat did increase again. Black’s son was always at the top.

I don’t know if I thought about the existential pain of my everyday life anymore. I was too consumed by duty and returning to Emily for solace at night. She had the idea of letting me start a construction business to earn money on the side. Tribal funds could only get us so far. I had to admit it was a smart idea. Maybe the unfinished engineering degree could be of some use to the reservation I was destined to never leave. The effect of this on my reputation of being an underdressed “hunk of meat” was considerable.

I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything other than maintaining my responsibilities and the status quo. 

Which I did until tonight, when Billy calls me to his house.

“Charlie Swan’s daughter has gone missing,” he tells me.

I groan. The Cullen’s human girl.

“If they’ve bitten her that’s a treaty violation,” I say. 

Billy nods, his eyes out of focus. His hands grip the wheels of his chair that keeps him mobile. I know he cares deeply about his friendship with the police chief. If she’s dead, it would also be very difficult to give him a normal explanation as to why. A clusterfuck all around.

“Find her,” he orders. The conviction in his eyes is impossible to fight against.

I nod and run off.

I don’t love exploring the woods around their property. The stench of bloodsucker made that hard. I didn’t like the general feeling of uneasiness anyway.

She wasn’t there. Evidently, neither were the Cullens. They vacated their house? The realization that they might have taken her with them slammed into me. I had to go deeper. Catch a whiff of something that could lead to a trail. 

Hours were ticking by. Paul let me know that Swan got a search team out for her while we looked. I made Paul wait by the bloodsucker house in case they did return. 

The idea to smell the girl’s belongings came to me. I’d need to return to her house to do that. But as it turns out, I didn’t have to.

I hear the sound of a frantic human hearting beat in the middle of the forest.

She’s curled up in a ball with only an orange raincoat to protect her from the elements. 

“Bella Swan?” I say out loud once I phase back and put my shorts on.

The girl doesn’t answer me. The sound of soft, muted cries reach my ears. There’s a pain in my chest at that. I put it together quite quickly of why she looks so entirely devastated.

I kneel down beside her and push her shoulder gently. She shakes, but otherwise doesn’t move.

“Hey,” I say. “Bella.”

I try to shake her out of her coma. She’s relentless.

“Bella,” I growl, “C’mon.”

The girl whimpers at my harsh tone and I immediately regret it. Fuck. She’s been abandoned. Not like I don’t know how that feels in a way.

“Softie,"  Paul chides.

I ignore him.

The last flickers of the setting sun reflect off her coat. Almost dazzling.

“Bella,” I try again, pleading. At this rate I was going to have to carry her back in this state.

She whines but finally turns and opens her puffy brown eyes to look into mine. Her expression is a mix of confusion and anger. I don’t care.

My mind clicked. The very gravity of this world tilted sideways. I was undone.

Chapter 2: Bella Part One

Summary:

“Rejoice that you are in prison. Here you can think of your soul.” ― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There is only agony. 

 

 


And maybe a pair of dark, haunting eyes. 

 

 


I imagine them to be his eyes, fighting the temptation to drain me whole. Those dark, hungry eyes when the breeze blows the hair away from my neck just right. How his throat constricts and he nearly gags on the scent. The veins on his temple pop and throb with glittering frustration. 

I’d have let him bleed me out if it meant ending his pain.

It could have been his eyes, filled with hatred as he told me he didn’t want me anymore. The memory plays over and over again while I slip into the darkness, further and further. I am only human and I decidedly do not belong. He doesn't want me to ever belong.

Alice’s vision gone in an instant. 

 

 


For a while there is only that agony.

 

 


Nothing else seems to matter except that aching in my chest. It’s not going away. A burden for forever. Or the forever I could have had if they kept me. Now forever is just until I die. Which should be now.

I should die now.

I should let all the molecules in my body break away and disperse in the atmosphere. No trace of Bella left.

But my body doesn’t do that. Reality doesn’t work that way. For yet another cruel twist of fate, I’m left with only an awareness of my body. Nothing else. Except the acute realization that he is no longer near my body at all.

The cold, marble god that was Edward Cullen has banished me from heaven by his side. All of them the angels that voted for my excommunication. 

Am I angry? How can I be angry? They granted me the small favor of being by their side for months. Really, a gift bestowed on no other mortal man.

But I crave him still. I’m praying to deities I don’t believe in. Anything, everything to get him back.

I burrow into myself. I shut out the world. There’s only memories that exist now.

Those days on the meadow where he runs his cold, glistening fingers down my arms. I craved to match him, be the same temperature. Those amber colored eyes would look at me with the desperate mix of hunger and pity. I begged to be let out of my misery. Only forever is enough with you. 

His laugh would echo throughout the forest. He’d always pick the most perfect dandelions to twirl into my hair. I wanted to shrug them off, demand he face my wishes. But he looked at me like a little doll and shook his head.

“You’re going to live.”

 

 


But I wish to be dead now, Edward.

 

 


There’s no motivation inside of me to get up. I don’t remember if I eat, drink, use the bathroom at all. I know I don’t change my clothes or shower. These pieces of clothing are the last things left of him.

Everything else, gone. I searched all over my room in a frenzy. He’s taken everything. There’s nothing else. No more CDs of indie songs and classical music. No more anything.

Except the scar on my wrist. James’ mark. A vampire’s claim. The closest reminder I’ll have that this world existed. Flesh that is just barely too cold for a human to handle. I hug my arm to my chest. I brush my fingers against every tooth mark and pray he’ll return. It’s a blasphemic rosary. 

I don’t believe that they lost their souls in transition. Carlisle, Esme...They are too pure for whatever god might exist to shut them out unceremoniously. I know he disagreed, but they were creatures meant to be worshipped in the light. Their very skin said so. And yet they sentenced themselves to the dark. How could beings so selfless be cursed to an unending hell? I’ll spend it by their side. I’ll do whatever they need for me to give them even a flicker of respite.

I’d let them all drain me at once. 

There’s still a cloud over my vision. Each of their faces. Happy, sad, hungry. All of it flashes before my eyes. Wonder passes over me. Yeah, I do wonder what their eyes would look like bright red from their killing of me. 

 

 


“Renee,” Charlie's choked voice spits into the phone. “She’s barely moved in a week.”

It’s okay. I don’t need to move. Maybe if I sit here long enough I’ll disappear entirely.

“Fucking hell, Renee!” It was the most emotional I’d ever heard from him. I barely register it. “Get down here now. Whatever that Edwin kid said to her...all she does is moan and rock herself to sleep, goddammit.”

 

 


But what else am I supposed to do?

 

 


Each time the sun rises, I imagine him staring wistfully through those huge glass windows, excited for the possibility of the day. And when the sun sets, his amber eyes reflect on his accomplishments, both achieved and missed. All of his regrets and goals poured out before him. He's got the whole, undisturbed night to plan for the next tomorrow. I can almost see it in perfect corporeal clarity, wherever he is. But in none of those visions is he thinking of me. And my heart breaks all over again.

He doesn’t want me. The whole family left. They don’t want me either. I don’t want myself.

I let the waves of darkness swallow me whole again and again.

It’s on another perfect, cloudy morning that I feel a soft hand grip my shoulder. Renee. She’s breached the barrier Charlie would never cross: my personal space. I fight the horrible instinct to shudder and spit at her.

“Oh, sweetie,” she coos. “Let’s get you out of here for a while.”

I look back at my bedroom window and shake my head.

Her hair bounces and the frown lines reach her eyes when she scowls at me. “Let’s get something to eat, okay?”

Could I ever deny my own mother?

Charlie stands at the doorway, watching us with the best nonchalant expression he can muster. I see through it.

Can I deny my father too?

I let her lift me out of bed; she scrunches her nose in disgust as she smells me, and almost turns away. I can see how I’ve disappointed my parents already. The gaping hole inside prevents me from really caring, not like I might have before. 

I stare right through my parents’ eyes. This might be how I know there’s no souls, because at this moment I know mine has left. 

It doesn’t matter if my parents see a skeleton. I might as well be one.

But they obviously disagreed. Charlie hands me a plate of steak and mashed potatoes. It’s the best thing he can manage to cook regularly. Renee’s skills are even worse. She frets incessantly while I pick at the meat. 

Charlie’s gruff voice breaks through, like someone speaking underwater. “Is it too well done for you?”

“No, Dad.”

My chest feels heavy. My throat dry. I almost laugh internally wondering if this thirst is anything akin to a vampire’s. Of course not.

“Please eat, honey,” my mom says with her eyelashes batting like they do so commonly with Phil, how she must have done so with Charlie. A habitual flirt.

“I am,” I reply. I push the mashed potatoes around.

Her brown eyes bug out. A flair of her nostrils that signals to me she’s on the verge of an attack.

I sigh.

She takes three hard, rushed steps towards me in order to make me meet her eyes. “What has gotten into you!” she yells, finally snapping.

I look down and whisper the unholy secret, “He doesn’t want me anymore.”

“You shouldn’t want him!” she retorts. “God, Bella, you deserve so much more than an asshole who left you in the forest.”

“You don’t understand,” I mumble.

She could never understand unless she too was once the center of a god’s universe. And then had it all taken away so instantaneously. 

“I was eighteen once before,” she claps back. “This isn’t normal teenage behavior. Don’t you remember any of our childish breakups?”

Charlie grunts away as Renee flashes her judgmental eyes in his direction. Memories for him that he doesn’t want to dig up? It doesn’t matter. They have never dealt with supernatural deities. No one that dangled the promise of a blissful forever in front of them. Never had that taken away.

“Bella,” my mom grips my shoulders before I know it. “You’re coming back to Jacksonville with me. You’ll get some sunshine in you, do you good.”

Something finally stirs inside of me, just a bit.

“No, Mom, c’mon.”

She shakes her head, more bouncing mouse-dried curls, “Isabella, baby. This town is miserable. How can you be happy here?”

I can’t. Not without him.

I pull myself together, just a moment to look into Charlie’s eyes. “I like being here with Dad. I have some friends here too.”

Reminding her of my loneliness in Phoenix might do the trick. And how can she take me away from the father she only just admitted that I deserved to know more? 

Renee sighs for the umpteenth time, “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes.”

“You know, he’s not coming back for you,” she says. The remnants of teenage angst thrusted onto her daughter. Anger that I’m not following her advice.

“Renee...” Charlie says.

She throws her hands up, “Sorry, sorry!”

Bile rises in my throat again. I don’t remember the rest of the night.

Renee’s promise to take me out the next day almost rings hollow in my ears. She’s got another full day here before her flight back. I can’t find it within myself to want to spend it with her.

She sees my apprehension immediately when she comes back. Renee has always been a master at reading people. Sometimes, often, reading too much.

“You didn’t take a shower,” she notes.

I glance up at her through my lashes. Everything is still so blurry.

“Into the shower now, you’ve got fifteen minutes. It’s fortunate your father is at work already…” she trails off as she goes back downstairs to sit on the ancient couch she always complained about. Something about the springs losing their bounce. It doesn’t matter.

The water burns me. Turns my skin into a pinkish hue and while it hurts, I still can’t really feel it. I find myself sitting in a ball at the corner of the bathtub. I stay there for the entire fifteen minutes. Shampoo be damned.

At least she seems pleased when she looks at me in a fresh set of clothes. I gagged the entire time I decided what to wear as each piece he had seen on me sends me back into a flurry of memories. He twirled the edges of the green flannel I wear now, smiled as he told me ancient secrets.

Renee still frowns when she takes notice of my unchanged attitude, shakes her head slightly and beckons us to go. 

She’s even more upset to realize she has to get into my truck. When I see the new radio I almost shut down again. I grip the steering wheel and shift out of park in an effort to shut out both the feelings of worthlessness and my mom’s complaints.

The drive to Pork Angeles is a blur. Renee talks of Phil’s job, her luck making friends in a pottery class, and a million other things I nod and say nothing to in response. It’s like my childhood once again; she pushes past my obvious distaste for her mindless stories. I think I almost cry realizing I’ll never go back to that innocence again. I’m in the adult world now; the world without vampires.

Renee has me pull over to a ‘chic’ outlet. I don’t like chic, I don’t like anything. Watching her hum and push those frilly dresses on clothing hangers down the metal bar, making that click-click-click noise, fills the pit of my stomach with disgust. 

I remember hating shopping with someone else. Someone who dazzled all the store associates around her with that whimsical smile. And despite her small size, she easily bounced up to reach the tallest hangers to thrust gaudy garments on me. I’d smile and shake my head. There’s no way I’m wearing any of that. He likes me in the clothes I already have.

 

 


Or he didn’t actually, like me at all.

 

 


“This,” Renee shoves something in my face, her own full of smug smile lines. It’s a cotton tunic dyed black with fancy embroidery on it. Almost tribal. 

I stare at her, saying nothing.

“Well, I’m getting it for you,” she says.

Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

My eyes squeeze shut. Buying things will not relieve me of the future that has been snatched out of my grasp. She doesn’t understand that. In her mind, she could always find someone else, another crutch falling for her charms. I ought to be doing the same, searching for my own Phil to whisk me across the country and let me be a forever fan in the stands.

But I didn’t want to be on the sidelines. I wanted to be a vampire. I would have found a way, if only they stayed.

The bubbles of rage in my chest threaten to burst. 

“Bella!” a loud, shrieking voice hits my ears too harshly, “Bella Swan?”

I’m going to bite my lip until it bleeds, but I turn to look as does my mom with keen fascination. There’s a hint of that victorious smirk, someone fun, finally, is interested in her daughter.

Jessica, of course. And Angela. The latter's sheepish look does nothing to dim the quizzical, almost condescending gaze from one of the most popular students in Forks.

“We haven’t seen you at school for at least a week!” Jessica exclaims. Her preppy smile and knowing eyes glance me over from head to toe. Her thoughts are as obvious as can be. Pity.

“Oh, who’s this!” she turns to glance at Renee.

Knowing her place immediately, Renee smirks so charmingly. The way her chin raises and her proud, brown eyes cast down on us inexperienced children. It is a look so common in my childhood, at birthday parties, ballet, anytime I saw any friends and their overbearing parents. 

If my heart hadn’t been just ripped out of me, I’d admit I liked her instincts to cement a powerful first impression, her desire to shelter me underneath that cloud of importance. But I’m empty inside and I only see what’s in front of me anymore.

“Your mom?” Angela suggests with a shy smile. Though she towers over the three of us, Angela’s stature has never been domineering. She slouches when she becomes uncomfortable at taking the lead in a conversation.

Renee beams, “The one and only.”

I used to think her teeth sparkled when she smiled. I know now what true sparkling looks like and how I’ll never be in its presence again.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Ms…” Jessica trails off with a leading tone and a masked polite, detached face.

The details of my life have always been kept close to my chest. She’s done her best to pry occasionally, but I only gave away the basics. The lonely, divorced chief of police didn’t need any more gossip to his name anyway.

“Mrs. Dwyer,” Renee clarifies. She extends her right hand to shake and then tactfully reaches with the left to adjust her purse strap. The diamond Phil gave her is an unmistakable trophy. Jessica and Angela fall for the trap and stare at it immediately.

It prompts enough curiosity in Jessica for them to talk about the amazing baseball player husband and their perfect life in Florida. Renee does an exceptional job of making it seem more interesting than it really is. 

Angela keeps trying to shoot me apologetic looks.

“You know, Bella,” Jessica starts when the conversation turns over to me, “I almost thought you left with the Cullens for a bit there!”

The ever-present blade in my chest twists.

Angela sees it and looks toward the ground. “Jess…” she hisses lowly. But even she wants to know more.

With three pairs of prying eyes on me, I would normally straighten my spine and recite a few good lines in my head to speak.

Instead, I look past them all just to mutter, “They left.”

It destroys me.

Angela makes an “oh” face and looks down again. Renee subtly rolls her eyes at my melodrama. Jessica smiles sadly and looks at me, “So you and Edward…?”

I swallow and squeeze my eyelids together for a long moment. Please don’t say his name.

“Done, I guess.”

My throat burns. The beating in my eardrums is louder than anything else around me. Darkness seeps into the corners of my vision. I might faint. At the very least, I’m going to disassociate.

“Oh, well, that’s too bad. I know you liked him a lot,” Angela offers unwanted sympathy.

“Yeah, enough to stop talking to us,” Jessica mutters. Renee might catch it. I don’t care.

Renee is quick to sling an arm over my shoulders, “Don’t worry girls, that’s why I’m here. My daughter will forget about that fool soon enough. Nothing a little retail therapy can’t fix!”

She’s wrong. 

 

 


I won’t forget.

 

 


But if someone else asked me what happened the rest of the day, I couldn’t answer. I lost myself in that store, to the world moving on around me. Only their beautiful images flickering before me endured.

I can’t imagine there’s anyone else in the world as vibrant, as full of life, as them. Even the other vampires I’ve met. James, Victoria, Laurent. They shine with how alive they are. Their disgust, hatred, and thirst of me towers over any dislike anyone else may have had. 

The awe I have for the emotions of vampires is the only thing I feel. A hopeless, inconsolable awe.

And the cracks on my bedroom walls are the only things I see concretely. Everything else, still a blur.

Only when Renee leaves to go back to the airport do I realize what’s happened. She might have given me a hug, tried to kiss me on the forehead. Certainly told me I’d be okay. She’s gone and the same nothingness that was there before she came still rules me. Maybe I’d call later. But probably not.

School barely registers to me. An A student now just doing the bare minimum. It would be a shame, if I felt anything about it.

The days bleed together un-harmoniously. There’s no rhythm to anything, no spark of brilliance. I don’t read, I don’t listen to music. I don’t even watch games with Charlie. I barely eat so I never cook. He gets take-out a lot; I pick at the leftovers.

Charlie doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. Neither does Jessica or Angela or Mike or Eric. They don’t ask. But they watch. 

In their eyes I might be a ticking-time bomb. I’m going to sit here and snap out of it one day and then rage against the whole world and then get miraculously better. I don’t think this is going to happen.

I don’t know how to conceptualize anger or loss anymore. It is like I have never felt anything in my life before and I can’t put together emotions again. I can’t even fake them.

Yeah, I can’t live. I wasn’t meant for it. Dying, being a vampire, maybe that would have meant something.

On days I’m not subsisting through school or letting Charlie hover around me, I’m stuck in bed. I’ve pulled the covers all the way up. I’ve cocooned myself into a shell I never wish to break free.

I’m gone, gone gone.

It should be my time to die.

The chirping of the birds, the pitter-patters of the rain. The knocks on my door to see if I’m still alive. Nothing, they’re nothing. And I’ll be nothing too, if I don’t get up and live. But I still can’t.

The memories hurt each time I dig into them. It’s the last bit of anguish built up inside of me. I let it burn for just a little bit. Enough to cry, if only in my head.

 

 


I mourn the relationship with my soulmate. 

I mourn the loss of the only real chance I had at becoming a god. 

James’ venom setting my whole arm on fire. My shattered leg twitching uncontrollably. And him, sucking the life out of me through the same wound. It was the worst physical pain of my life. But it’s nothing compared to the hollowness I feel now. 

There is no one in the entire world who has felt pain like this before. I’m certain of it. I’m entirely alone.

 

 


Maybe if I sit here and cry loudly enough, he’ll know and he’ll have to come back. Surely Alice would see my misery? Carlisle is too compassionate to let me suffer like this forever. 

But I can’t cry, I can’t do anything. 

 

 


I pull up a chair outside the upstairs front window. My hoodie hugs me and it’s the only contact I get for weeks. Charlie continually looks like he’s about to say something to comfort me, maybe pat me on the back, but he never does. 

Jessica, Angela, Eric and Mike keep staring at me. They want to say something too. I’m grateful that my previous ‘don’t approach me’ attitude from Phoenix is still competent. I suppose sitting at a table alone for lunch time says enough. So much for trying something new in Forks.

My favorite books go untouched. I’m not in the mood for romantic stories, not even sad ones someone might tell me I can ‘relate to.’ I can’t relate to anything anymore. There’s no Mr. Darcy to come to my rescue.

It was okay to me once, being the different kid. The girl who didn’t or couldn’t do anything but read all day. I didn’t mind losing myself in these stories. And then I met him. He read all those same stories; he had been reading them for decades. I thought together, maybe, we could read for eternity. 

Just existing, just surviving is the worst pain I’ve faced. I don’t know how I can keep facing it, but I don’t think it will ever end.

 

 


When the sun finally dies over the horizon, I sit on the couch downstairs. I bring my knees up to my chest and I stare at the blank screen in front of me. There’s no temptation to ever watch anything.

Sometimes I imagine the static extending from television, crawling outwards at a slow and sickening pace until it takes over the wall, the entire room. Until it swallows me whole. 

It’s not peace, not anything close. But I think I could stay in this limbo state forever. Maybe we really were born as worms and returning to the tendrils of buzzing radio broadcasts is our final state. 

I might wonder more about the philosophies of life and death scattered throughout history and the modern era if I didn’t want to die so much myself.

 

 


“Bella,” Charlie’s voice reaches my ears. “I’m, uh, having some work done on the house for the next couple of days. Replacing some wood paneling and whatnot.”

I nod at him. He rests his hands on the back of the couch, but they’re clenched and fidgety.

“Billy recommended Sam Uley for the job. You know him, right?”

“Hm?” I meet Charlie’s wide, semi-concerned eyes. “Yeah, of course.”

I don’t know who he is at all, actually. It hardly matters though.

“He’ll be here in the morning after I leave for the station.”

Nodding again, “Sounds good.”

It’ll be a Saturday tomorrow. Normally I would be sleeping in. But now I don’t remember the last time I’ve slept more than four hours. In all my numbed misery, the sun rise still provides the last semblance of hope I have for myself. But then the light becomes too bright and I’m drowning in it. Even with all the clouds, the persistent optimism of the sun still makes me sick.

 

 


There is another night of misery in front of me.

I’m only thankful for the fact that I’ve stopped dreaming these days. The emptiness never ceases. I remember I had nightmares once. The worst around thirteen. Now I can’t remember anything I should be scared of to even have them. Not even a Cold One with red eyes.

 

 


I wake to the sound of Charlie snatching his keys off the table. It might be 4:30, 5:00 AM. The early morning light rises later and later with each passing autumn day. Yet the reminder of my miserable existence only seems to be creeping up more and more.

There isn’t anything else to do except to pull up a chair and watch nothing happen outside all day.

I can’t help but imagine his form peeking out from behind branches and shadows, and then when I squint to look closer, I'm devastated all over again. I don’t care enough to break the cycle. Maybe there’s more hopeless hope left inside me afterall.

He should be with me now, making some remark about Charlie getting up to sit in his office doing nothing all day. Maybe answering to the occasional shoplifting charge of a rebellious teen or overeager parents complaining about the lack of safety measures on the playground.

But the sobering truth of ‘I don’t want you,’ rings through my mind all morning until I see a beat up white van pull into the driveway. It must be Sam...whoever. 

I wasn’t sure who I was expecting, but definitely not a twenty-something guy from the Rez. He’s dark, tall, and lean. And he has cut hair? Is that rebellious or something? ‘Suppose it doesn’t matter. The equipment coming out of his van must say enough about his abilities to do the task at hand. Charlie will complain if it’s a bad job anyway.

For a while, I watch him measure and cut two-by-fours to replace the worst looking bits of the porch. It’s only mildly surprising to me that I never noticed how bad the frame decayed. A hint of bitter guilt gathers at the back of my throat. I swallow it.

There’s a slow flood of anxiety creeping up my spine. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t think I’ve felt anything this strong in weeks. The shock of that barely has time to hit me.

He’s not looking at what he’s doing for a second, maybe glancing up at another part of the house. But the nail gun in his right hand daggers his left. I see it clearly. 

The blood wells up and immediately pours down on the pavement. Oh my god. I shoot straight out of my chair. My aversion to the stuff doesn’t stop me from running down the stairs as fast as my glass legs will allow. I grab the first kitchen towel I see and throw myself out the door to help him.

He stares at me surprised, like he doesn’t expect me to be out here. The way his brow furrows and his mouth parts open suddenly makes me nauseous. My stomach squeezes and I try not to think of the blood everywhere.

I panic and thrust the rag in his face, “Are you okay?!”

Slowly he looks down at his left hand, “Oh. It’s fine. Nothing happened.”

“No,” I shake my head, “I saw that nail go right through.”

But the left hand he holds out to me doesn’t have a gaping wound in it. Only smeared already drying blood. I don’t think I see any mark at all, but it’s impossible to really tell.

“The nail just grazed it. Only a scratch.”

I watch his hand drop down to his side and for many moments I can only stare at it. There’s more blood than justified with his explanation.

“But I saw…” I trail off.

There’s a hint of a smile on his face, “It looks worse than it was. That’s all.”

I look up into his eyes, “N-no.”

Then I really see him. He’s incredibly muscular. A giant compared to me. He looks ridiculously strong, and experienced, and wise. Wonder of him and his life passes over. I realize he’s completely beautiful and I almost hate myself for it. The shock of seeing another perfectly chiseled jaw goes straight to my bones. I’m paralyzed.

“Bella, I’m fine,” this new being speaks to me. The words feel like someone speaking to me underwater again, drowning this time.

The rays of the primal morning sun crest over his head and body, darkening his tan and turning him into a corporeal shadow. A blinding nimbus stares me down.

But then he steps forward and comes back to life under the dawn. I squint, mouth agape. His eyebrows furrow at me. He doesn’t shimmer, he smolders. Like the side of a volcano I’ve just run right into, stopping everything in my mind. Until it all comes back red, hot and rapidly expanding. Too hot to the touch, too much pain.

“I...uh, yeah,” the words fail me. In an instant the shivers set in and I fold my arms tight across my chest. He looks down at me and frowns.

We stare at each other for half a moment. He looks like he’s about to say something. I immediately realize I don’t want to know what he thinks. Judgement or concern or praise, I won’t have it.

I promptly turn around and nearly slam the door. 

Every raw emotion, everything suppressed: the anger, dread of life, and the true realization of loss sets in. I’ve really been abandoned, tossed aside, thrown out of the Garden of Eden.

I fall to my knees and sob.

Notes:

I just realized I could look at the stats page for stories, and ohmygosh, I didn't realize people were subscribed!! So I finished this chapter as fast as I could after having it linger at nearly-complete for weeks. (Yay for the semester ending!)

Also, I think I'm just going to have to get over the fact this won't perfectly match with existing lore, either in the books or movies, so that's that. And definitely the characters won't be 100% the same. I've got ideas that might require adding or changing stuff.

But anyway, thanks for reading!!

Chapter 3: Sam Part Two

Summary:

“Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Handing Bella Swan back to her father may have been the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life.

The experience was hallucinatory. I vaguely remember her warmth pressed against me as I carried her through the forest and back to her house. It might have been the best warmth I’ve ever felt. I wanted to drown in it.

Walking with her in my arms separated my mind from my body. I’m certain I would have died had her very existence not anchored me to this world forever. I would have thought that feeling this sense of purpose would be appalling. Instead, I felt the need to pray to the gods that my life was finally given meaning. The pain of loneliness could be remedied. This small, fragile person would guide me now.

I’m not sure I thought of a single coherent sentence with her clinging to my chest. The instinct to protect, to cherish, to worship coursed through me. I’d lay my life down for a person I barely knew. And I would certainly destroy whoever put her in this state. 

And that moment, there was no anger forming for the Cullens, only shock at the swift change imparted upon my life. The anger, I was sure, would come later.

Bella Swan’s face stayed contorted in the shape of pain. Maybe I brushed her cheek, tried to wake her up from the spell, but she didn’t respond. So I instead found myself staring at her freckles, desperate to count each one. She was ethereal. Beautiful in a way I didn’t know was possible. I thanked the gods once again that I could even be in the same vicinity as someone so perfect. I would do anything to keep her safe.

Which is ultimately why I had to turn her over to her father, who ran with a relieved frenzy to take her from my arms. He rushed to get her inside and took my heart with them. The hollow in my chest was immediate. 

The night was dark, I only just realized. Police lights and personal flashlights kept the area lit but imbued a quality of panic in the atmosphere. I had to get her back. It wasn’t safe with so many people staring her down, probably demanding to know what happened to her. She deserved to rest away from their meaningless questions.

I found myself walking in the direction of their house, determined to open the door and step foot inside. Cement myself by her side. But Billy Black’s wheelchair cut me off. I could only look down at him and frown.

“What do you think you’re doing, son?”

I couldn’t answer as I looked back toward the Swan house, feeling uncharacteristically lost and desperate. 

He might have examined me for a moment longer, but I felt his knowledge in his voice: “Oh.”

Billy gripped the edge of his wheelchair, “Shit.”

A cloud over my thoughts was setting in, different than the feeling that was cast over me when I first looked into her eyes. Now, I was swimming in darkness. My light had just been locked away.

“Where did you find her?” Jacob Black’s voice cut in. “And what were you even doing out there?”

“Protecting the forest,” was my automatic response. My eyesight was beginning to get murky the longer I stared at the Swan house.

“Whatever,” he answered. “Just stay away from her.”

I find myself instantly snapping back to reality. “You don’t know anything, Jacob Black.”

My tone is harsh, cutting. I stare him down from a place of power that I wasn’t certain I really deserve, only that I have it.

Billy cuts in again, “Son, give us just a moment, okay?”

Jacob’s brow furrows and once again he puts on the teenage look of nonchalance masking annoyance, “Fine.”

He walks off to talk to some officers, no doubt inquiring about  my  imprint’s status. A job that should be mine. It takes too many seconds to calm my feral side with the reasoning that extra people caring about her wellbeing is a good thing. She deserves the whole world offering her happiness.

I’m now faced with the concerned and anxious look from a tribal elder, one of the only ones who know our secret.

“You will have to leave her for now.”

I shake my head without giving it conscious thought.

“Yes, Samuel. She needs to be with her dad. Who knows what they did to her and how long it will take to get over it.”

My throat constricts. I don’t want to think about it. 

Despite Billy sitting feet below me, he forces me to meet his eyes. They’ve become hardened with determination, much like when he bestowed the responsibility of Alpha upon me. I realize I’d give it all up just to be with her again.

“You’ll see her again.”

It’s not much comfort.

“Do what’s best for her,” is his final push.

My chest pulses and I finally stand up straighter. Every muscle in my body clenches.

“Alright,” I answer, tearing my eyes off the house for the last time.

If I stand here for much longer, I won’t leave. It’s not the easiest decision, but I run back into the forest and phase once I am out of sight.

There’s only one thing I can manage to do: run. My hind legs propel me through the forest at a pace I’m sure I’ve never reached before. If I’m honest, it’s almost flying. Maybe it would be thrilling, even fun, if I didn’t feel as I do, completely shattered. So I let the branches hit me hard and I tear my paws on the jagged rocks I learned to avoid. My flesh splices open and re-heals again and again. The sting does nothing to take away the cuts inside of me.

“Woah!” Paul’s voice finally reaches me, after many miles of sprinting aimlessly. “What was that?”

I don’t answer. But the flickers of Bella Swan’s pained face flashes before me without my control.  Mate, Imprint, Protect, Mine.  The chant echoing in my mind leaves room for little else.

“Okay, that’s insane,” he says. “You sound completely buzzed. Where are you? I’m coming.”

“No,” I answer back to him finally, “You need to keep trailing Jared’s house. I’ll deal with this on my own.”

“Yeah, alright, man. Good luck.”

The reality of what has just happened to me finally hits me full force. I have to go back to my house, I have to see Emily. Shit. Fuck. Oh god, Emily. 

It’s disturbing how the once somber, romantic love I thought I had for her disappears instantly. Any stronger feelings of physical attraction also dissipate. She is at once just a woman I could have seen on the street, a friend for years maybe, but nothing more. I almost gag on the bitter taste of my betrayal to another woman who stood by me. Who still does, since she knows nothing until I break her heart too.

Waiting outside my own house is ultimately pathetic. I feel each raindrop hit my body and roll down. I’m not soaked, but I will be if I stay here much longer. I try not to imagine what I know is beyond that door. Emily will be standing with an apron on and smiling in the kitchen. She’ll tell me she’s got a new recipe for carrot cake. It would be delicious. 

Vaguely, I think of lying to her. Yet, the immense guilt ricocheting through my shoulders tells me I couldn’t. Worst of all, the guilt centered around how I would be betraying the imprint, not Emily.

I tell myself to man up and push through the door.

It’s unfortunate just how right I was about Emily. She’s mixing something in a bowl when she looks up at me, taken aback. She’s too perceptive. She knows there’s something wrong with me right away. Usually, I’d think how cute she looks when her eyebrows squish together, but the pang of another stolen emotion only remains.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. She sits the bowl down on the counter and wipes her hands in her apron.

I stand paralyzed. Rain or sweat falls from my hair and painfully spills down my neck. I’ve long since learned to master the impulsive shaking, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it internally.

“I saw her,” I say. It might have come out as a whisper. I barely pay attention to my own words. They bounce around inside my head.

Yeah, I saw the most beautiful woman in existence and now I could never love anyone else. It’s torture only I deserve. Having yet another choice in my life ripped away from me is my penance.

“Oh,” Emily says. 

She doesn’t say anything else for a long time and neither do I. 

When the fan turns towards her, her bangs are blown to the side gently and return once again to the center. I try to breathe in her scent for the last time, but it no longer brings me any comfort.

Emily works to untie her apron and clean up the mess she started in the kitchen.

“You don’t have to do that,” I’m quick to say.

She raises her eyebrows at me, “I can’t leave this place dirty, now can I?”

“Emily…”

She shakes her head with a soft smile playing on her lips, “It’s not like we were blind to this happening. It’s okay, Sam. Really.”

I take three long and fast steps and rest my hands on her shoulders, “No, it’s not okay. You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s not about deserving,” she looks up at me with those wide dark eyes. “Sometimes it just is.”

I am going to say something else, maybe apologize more profusely, but there’s a tingle at the back of my neck. An unfortunate and familiar one. I think back to my last words spoken with Paul and I swear I curse god again in my kitchen.

“Another kid phased,” I grit out. I look back towards the front door. It’s my responsibility to deal with this. Knowing everything I do about Paul, he can’t handle it.

Emily looks worried, “Go then.”

I swallow hard. “But…”

She shakes her head again and smiles more brightly, “I promise I’ll have everything cleaned out by the time you get back.”

“I don’t want that.”

She places her hand on my shoulder and I unnaturally tense at the contact, “But it’s what has to be done.”

I leave her there in the kitchen because there’s not really anything else I can do. It doesn’t take me long to shed my clothes, phase again, and run through the woods. I know exactly where I’m heading after trailing his house for weeks.

“Oh shit, Sam!” Paul’s unusually freaked-out voice hits me instantly. “I fucked up.”

There are bangs of raw pain bouncing through the void into my head. It shakes me. The confusion, hurt, and fear all surround me and threaten to steal the breath out of my lungs for a second time this night. The only difference is the awe I felt earlier is replaced by anguish. 

His whimpers shatter my soul again. Younger and worse than Paul’s first phasing. Another boy’s future ripped out from underneath him.

“Listen to me, Jared,” I reach out. “You’re alright. I’m coming to you now.”

He gives no verbal response, but the shudders of apprehension and misery tell me that he’s heard me. It’s a good enough sign.

“Are you there with him now, Paul?”

I pray for a yes. Please don’t be an idiot, Paul.

“No, man, look. He ran off. I only thought to maybe talk to him for a bit, try to see how far along he was. I...I pushed him too much, okay? He phased and ran.”

“Shit,” I curse.

Paul doesn’t do a good job of covering up the memory in his mind. He taunts and insults the poor kid. Questions his manhood. Insinuates, maybe, a threat against his home life. 

Jared’s memories flash forward. The similarity of my own time strikes me in the gut. At least with Paul, it was pretty obvious he was always a pissed-off asshole. But Jared’s horror at himself, for the unexplained anger at his family, snapping at his school teachers just trying to help, cripples another part of my soul. When I see him standing in the mirror with his fists balled up and shaking uncontrollably, I see myself. Even with all that anger, the instinct to protect his family from Paul’s antics was that final straw that broke the wolf’s back.

“Jared, you don’t have to say anything, just show me your surroundings,” I tell him. “We’ll come to you.”

He whines in my mind.

Show me ,” I demand gently.

Jared is running, but he’s doing it in circles, thankfully. The familiar markings of trees and rocks tell me we’re not far off. Paul recognizes it faster and takes off from his location. I growl and push my legs as fast as I can; he’ll make it worse if he gets there first so I ensure he doesn’t.

There’s a whimpering brown wolf trotting around a group of trees. The first thought that courses through me is what a pathetic sight he makes. And the instant comparison to how I must have looked doesn’t escape either. It’s not the pathetic-ness one would attribute to 

His eyes look glassy.

“Paul, tell him that you were lying,” I say. “No one is going to hurt you or your family. There’s no threat right now.” Bile would be rising in my throat if I were in human form now.  “In fact, the threat just left…” 

Without conscious effort, I think of Bella Swan and I suddenly find it in myself to bear just a small piece of my soul to Jared. I show him some of my own memories of when I first phased. I show him how the confusion and fear finally transformed into desperation, making me master the wolf form just enough to scout and hunt. I even show him my memories from a year ago of trying my best to figure out how to lead Paul.

I make Paul begrudgingly do the same. His memories center around anger at me, fortunately. And that’s easy enough to confront.

Finally, I tell Jared that the tribal elders are proud of him for being chosen, that he isn’t alone in this, and that maybe, he has a new family to join now. I try not to let my veins ice up at the possibility the last part is a lie for me.

Jared calms down and phases back into a boy before he puts any effort into trying. I thank the gods again for an easy enough time for him. We all phase back to communicate verbally.

Paul lets him lean on him until Jared’s feet stop wobbling. 

We’re close enough to my place to head back there. I let Jared take the couch first while Paul paces around in the freshly cleaned kitchen.

Emily.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I won’t think about this now. I won’t think about  her  now either.

Calling Billy proves to be the logical choice. There are tribal legends I can’t explain properly and someone who’s done their research going through the old journals should be the one to do it. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding reading and taking notes since I’ve dropped out of college. I didn’t think I missed it until this moment.

“I thought those were just stories,” Jared laughs dryly at my explanation. “I should be high for this.”

Paul nods.

I yell at them both. 

Billy brings Harry and Old Quil to my house. I let them in and try to be a gracious host by offering them something to drink. I think of Emily once again keeping the fridge stocked.

“Get this kid something strong!” Harry laughs and claps Jared on the back. He gives a sheepish smile back.

“No,” I answer. 

I know very well I’m no fun, but I’m not encouraging underage drinking even if Jared’s body is adapted to that of a man now. 

Billy does a good job, as usual, of telling the legends. It’s only natural that I zone out while hearing the same story and let my mind wander.

It wanders naturally back to her. I find myself wanting to know every single detail of who she is. It pains me greatly that I’m next to a man who is a good friend of her father and I can’t ask anything about her.

I grip the edge of my couch to not let the irritation of being fated with a person I don’t know show.

They see it anyway.

Harry looks to the side at Billy while he’s finished speaking, “And of Bella Swan?”

Great, they must have talked about this on their way here.

“She’s staying out of this,” I don’t hesitate to say.

Billy sighs, “You’ll need to get involved eventually, son. That’s just how it works.”

I shake my head, “You didn’t see her out there in the forest. She was destroyed and I certainly won’t make it any better for her. I’m leaving her alone.”

“That is not the way,” Old Quil hums. His eyes are distant and while I normally respect his weathered insight, I’m not budging.

“Well, it will have to work for now,” I order. It may be the strongest I’ve ever spoken to them, their very posture confirms that to me, but I can’t bring myself to entirely care. “The imprint stays out of this.”

Harry and Billy exchange one final glance. Billy wheels himself out from my direct line of sight. Harry only shrugs, “Suppose you can just focus on Jared’s training in the meantime. We don’t know if the leeches will return.”

But her broken heart indicated to me that she, at least, was certain enough they weren’t coming back. It wouldn’t be a reaction for just a normal breakup. I decide not to comment and press the matter. 

Instead, I say: “I’ll work on a schedule to keep Jared in school.”

It turns out to be a rather difficult task. I realize that if I make him do the night shifts then he’ll sleep through his classes, which might be worse than skipping some altogether. There’s no avoiding him being stuck doing extra on the weekends to make up for the lighter load I’m trying to give him throughout the week. If he gets a couple of hours in the early morning and then maybe right after school he can manage it. Paul and I will still need to cover the most dangerous hours at night, where the cover of darkness could let any predator slip through. Jared is still too young to handle that.

The thought of how it would be easier if there were more of us spins in my mind. The horror of such a wish hits me moments later. Too far later to be justifiable.

In any such case, Jared can’t go back to school until he can manage to control phasing on his own. I’m grateful he’s already a better learner than Paul. His acceptance of the wolf almost completely shocks me still when I realize it days later. He doesn’t entirely hate what he’s become, only that he can’t tell his friends and family.

We realize Jared also has the best sight of the three of us. He can find chosen targets faster than Paul and me by how quickly he can scan the environment. It gives me a twinge of regret that Jared is too young and experienced to be beta.

“Fuck off,”  Paul says to that. “I’m the best fighter here.”

I find it to be my sworn duty to prove he’s not.

After many rounds of brawling, Paul has at least proven himself to be the most animalistic fighter, going off rage and instinct rather than theory. Maybe if he can master his emotions, he’d be a real threat.

“Yeah, Paul,” Jared goads, “Control your emotions!”

They fight more and I surprisingly notice the real beginnings of a friendship forming. They must recognize a very corporal kindred spirit in each other. The two young wolves beneath me, following me like I know what I’m doing.

I find myself sitting on the peripheral, and the pangs of loss hit me deeply. The work I’ve done around Paul to block my mind from him also pays off with Jared. Just enough.

I won’t think about her. I won’t.

 

 

 

I think about her every night.

 

 

 

It drains me to think of her pained face and ultimately, really, her love for another man. That face carves itself into my soul. It’s loss personified.

I think about Emily’s solemn face and Leah’s disturbed, enraged one too.

The faces I can’t help.

It’s when I’m lying in bed during the day and unable to sleep, staring up at the ceiling I built that I feel another strange sensation course through me. It’s not the same as when either Paul or Jared first phased, but it feels important regardless. It keeps me up. It’s different and similar all at once.

I find out when I phase to meet Jared after school for patrols. I only just let him back.

“Wow, like, wow ,” he doesn’t even really speak to me, but I see the memory go through his mind again and again.

It’s another nightmare. Except only to me. Jared glows with happiness.

He’s sitting in his English class when he asks a couple of kids around him for an extra pen. The girl adjacent to him turns and blushes while she hands him one. Looking into her eyes gives Jared’s existence meaning he’d never had before. It makes everything about being a wolf worth it. It’s pure love. The greatest moment in his life taking place in a high schoolroom. He doesn’t mind it one bit.

I think of her without meaning to. His memories bring up mine. I feel the phantom imprint of Bella Swan clinging to my chest.

“You too!” Jared laughs. “Why didn’t you say something!”

I get to see Jared trailing the girl, Kim, around school for the rest of the day. It’s painfully obvious she’s had a crush on him for a while. She brushes her hair back from her face and casts her eyes downward while smiling. Jared never really took notice of her before. It hardly matters now.

I focus on the smell of dirt in the forest. Bella doesn’t even know who I am.

“Why are you so unhappy with it?” he asks. “This is like the best thing in the world.”

I decide to tell him the truth, the weight of it all bearing down on me: “Bella Swan wanted to be with the Cullens.”

Jared understands, much more than Paul anyway, whose instinct for survival is the only reason he hasn’t pushed the issue to me.

“You’re not to tell Kim the truth,” I order Jared with the most powerful voice I can muster at the moment. “And you’re only to see her at school for now.”

“What? Are you serious?” his shock ripples across our link. “You’re a piece of shit,  alpha.

Trust me, kid, I know.

It dawns on me that my moment there sets back Jared’s trust in me. He actually leans on Paul more. I try to tell him of the risk, that Kim wouldn’t be able to keep the secret. Jared fights against that assumption, but I’m far warier of a teenage girl’s instinct to gossip. He’s certain their love can transcend anything.

I’m constantly treated with the memories of hand-holding, hugging, and a gentle kiss on the cheek. Jared wants to claim her. Completely.

The force of this makes me almost throw up at night when I’m alone. I hadn’t thought, hadn’t allowed myself to think, about doing anything of the sort with Bella Swan. In fact, I take note that my sexual drive has all but dissipated. Even if I still wake up with a hard-on dreaming of the face of the brunette, the daily tasks of life push away the feeling of wanting to be close to anyone again. 

I don’t even miss Emily’s warmth or Leah’s passion. I’m destroyed by it.

My body aches every day with a loss I still can’t entirely fathom. I wonder, maybe, if I should ask my mom for help. But I think of her scars and my stomach sours more.

Paul is still easy enough to spar against, his technique lacking, but Jared gets the upper hand on me long enough once to get in a severe neck bite. It takes me longer than it should to heal from the cut.

My recruits notice. Paul questions my every move, not with his words, but with the way he raises his eyebrows at the suggestion of more training. He suggests we take it easy, rest a bit since the Cullens aren’t even around.

I argue that they could come back, even though I don’t really believe it. They could come back for her and make everything worse again.

Paul has nothing to say about that.

Jared tells me to defend my woman.

I snarl at them both.

They know I’m angrier, weaker, more paranoid and their instinct to question my leadership clashes with their feelings of loyalty towards me. I’ve put them in a bad position and I don’t know how to dig myself out of it. Somehow that makes it worse.

The breaking point is learning what Jared has done.

I explode in the fucking forest during our pack patrol when I hear it. I haven’t had an uncontrolled phase in more than a year. Jared disregarded my order to stay away from Kim. 

He sneaks into her house regularly, collapses on her floor to sleep. They make love underneath the moonlight creeping in from her bedroom blinds. He promises to stay with her forever and protect her from everything. She responds to his adoration with her own, if only a little confused about what Jared is adamant about.

I should make those same promises to Bella Swan. I push that thought out of my head as soon as it comes.

How could you do that?!”

Jared’s wolf form is still and unwavering to my rage. “I discovered I could break this command.”

Fuck. Of all the fucking commands. It has to be about imprints!

“I haven’t told her anything really,” he says. “Maybe you’re right about not putting her in danger. But I have to be near her.”

I curse as much as I can inside my own head. It comes out as a howl. The birds within a few miles radius fly away at my shouting. Well, screw them.

Paul hasn’t reacted through this whole thing.

“Did you know?” I seeth at him now. Paul should expect my outrage, honestly. Some Beta he is.

His wolf is also passive, “Look, man. You should go see Billy Black. You’re kind of a mess and you should talk to him.”

Shit.

“He says he might be able to help.”

I discover pretty quickly Billy’s idea of help is not what I’m looking for.

“You’re going to see Bella Swan,” he announces.

“No,” I say. I stand tall in his living room while Jacob is at school. I don’t focus on anything inside their house but staring Billy down. It may be a cozy home, but the chill encompassing me is about to blind my vision.

“Too late,” he shrugs at me. “I told the Chief that you’re coming by to do construction on his place. The old man needs it and you need to be around her.”

The muscles in my jaw, neck, and shoulders tighten. I squeeze my eyelids shut. The pictures of the Black family as a happy one before Sarah’s death flicker through my mind. I try to shut them out.

“You don’t have to talk to her, kid. But you gotta be near her. It’ll fix your nerves for a bit.”

Fuck my nerves is what I want to say.

“It’ll help her too,” Billy adds, with a grim look on his face. “Charlie’s been telling me she’s practically comatose. A side effect of whatever those leeches took from her mind.”

Withdrawal. The word tastes metallic on the tip of my tongue. I admit the prospect of being Narcan in this situation isn’t particularly appealing, but my body won’t allow me to refuse the chance of potentially helping her in some way. I do doubt, at the very least, how much I can actually do. Maybe Billy’s musings taken from Old Quil’s studies are exaggerated; the imprintee gets all the choice here, not me.

Billy is happy I agree to it.

I spend the night staring up at my bedroom ceiling again. There’s a lot of thoughts about what Bella did with the Cullens. They couldn’t have bitten her without turning her, but they could have destroyed her in a myriad of other ways. Billy pressuring Jacob to warn Bella never got through to her. I think about his warning to me that I might imprint not deterring me from still trying to Emily. Maybe we’re alike in some ways after all.

Ha! Thinking I’m similar to a person I don’t even know. I’m really losing it.

But the hold this stranger has over my heart never leaves.

I get up early in the morning and load the van with tools. It’s a simple job, can't take more than a couple of hours. In and out. I won’t see her anyway. Charlie relayed enough about her staying upstairs and doing nothing but staring out the windows.

I’m mad with anxiety pulling up on their driveway. But I find out instantly that Billy was right. The tension in my shoulders vanishes the moment I get out and find myself within a hundred feet of her. 

It feels almost, so close to peace, and purpose, and identity. I’d let the feeling build and wash over me if I didn’t have a job to do. 

Measuring and cutting wood is a job I can do mindlessly. Unfortunately, my mind still wanders. I can’t help myself looking up at the window facing the driveway. I see the silhouette of a young woman, hunched over and blank-faced. Her long hair is matted and her clothes wrinkled.

I want, desperately at this moment, to reach for a closer look.

A nail from the nail gun goes right through my hand.

I swear internally and pull it out. Watching myself heal quicker than I did a couple of days ago is another odd feeling that strikes me through this whole thing. Can one person really come so close to healing another?

These thoughts will get me nowhere. She is not mine to have. Even if I hadn’t ruined my relationships with Leah and Emily, I find myself decidedly not theirs to have either. The strangeness of sacrificing myself to a stranger in a window twists my stomach.

Bella Swan slams through the front door, out of breath, and staring up at me. I was wrong. Seeing her in the forest was not the most beautiful picture of my life. This is, here. Her eyebrows are furrowed and her fists are balled up, holding a rag in one. 

I know she looks terrible. The dark circles beneath those perfect brown eyes tell me that much. But I find myself squarely in the presence of a goddess.

I stand up a bit straighter.

“Are you okay?!”

Her voice stills me for just a second and I use it to put the puzzle together. The nail through my hand. Well, I certainly can’t be honest about my super healing powers here.

I swallow, “Oh. It’s fine. Nothing happened.”

She frowns and shakes her head. It’s beautiful. “No, I saw that nail go right through.”

Maybe it’s her destiny to make things just that much harder for me.

“The nail just grazed it. Only a scratch.”

I don’t want to lie to her but there’s really no other option. She’s far too unstable to know about shapeshifting wolves in her backyard, even if she already knows of vampires. I can’t put that sort of knowledge on her, yet.

“But I saw…” her voice grows weak and soft. Her freckles are so cute. Her confusion itself still stings, but every facial expression she makes is utterly adorable.

I smile at her without warning, “It looks worse than it was. That’s all.”

Her eyes connect with me and she mutters something under her breath. I step closer to her to hear. I want to hear everything she thinks and says.

“Bella, I’m fine,” I try to say. Her name tastes divine on my lips.

She’s small and much less assertive of herself than Leah or even Emily. She’s a shell of a person, but the sun hitting her hair and revealing spots of shimmering auburn is the closest thing to glory I’ll get in this lifetime. I’d stare all day if it wasn’t improper.

Bella looks at me confused still. She doesn’t know who I am. Probably doesn’t know I found her in the forest, crying out for the Cullens. I won’t say his name right now. Not even in my mind.

“I...uh, yeah,” she stutters. 

I should say something else to her to keep the conversation going. I could ask about anything really, her school or her family. Maybe friends?

It’s too late. She turns on her heel and rushes back into her house.

There isn’t quite a hollow in my chest yet since we are still so physically close, but the interpretation of rejection sinks onto my head. 

She’s upset, I tell myself. She needs time. Maybe she needs help? I could give that to her. I could try to pick up the pieces. Bella deserves at least that. But could she want me to? 

I hear crying coming from the house. 

There are other ways, maybe, I could try to give her happiness. I could try to think of some.

I stare at their front door for a long time. Then I realize I have to get back to work and finish replacing the aged paneling. 

There’s a resoluteness that washes over me. A path of clarity opens up before me. It centers on Jared. And maybe Paul. I’ve been a terrible leader to them these past weeks. I am not above admitting my mistakes and trying to fix them. I can be better than Joshua Uley.

When I finish, I pack up my stuff and stare longer than appropriate at the Swan house. I better leave before Charlie comes back where I might not have anything intelligible to say. He left the check for me underneath the Welcome mat. Very trusting for a policeman.

I put that in my pocket without even looking at the amount. Instead, I hurry back to the reservation with my new path in mind. 

Calling Jared and Paul to meet me in a forest clearing is always easy. They come without hesitation.

“You can see her,” I tell Jared. “Whenever you want or need. I won’t fight that.”

Jared’s mind fills with the possibility of getting more attention from Kim. Sexual, romantic, friendly. And how he’ll give her twice as much in return.

“And you can tell her the truth,” I add.

“Wait, really?” Jared asks, completely surprised.

I can’t nod in wolf form so I push myself up taller.

“I’ve decided that imprints can know about us. They are part of the pack. Whatever you want to tell her, I support. And if you ever imprint Paul, god help the lady, then you get that same courtesy. All I want is for neither of you to question what I tell or don’t tell Bella Swan. She is my responsibility alone. Understand?”

They do, of course.

Jared’s happiness infects Paul enough for them to spare and hunt for the rest of the afternoon. I don’t know if it's their excitement or mine from still seeing and talking to her, but I feel the edges of my own smile tugging in my mind, if only for a second.

 

Notes:

Yay! Chapter Three done! Looks like both Sam and Bella were affected by their first *real* encounter. But don't worry! There's plenty of angst to come.

I also was aiming for 5,000 words this chapter and I think I got 1,000 more? Damn Sam for making me elaborate on things and still feeling like I'm rushing it...

Chapter 4: Bella Part Two

Summary:

“The fiercest anger of all, the most incurable, is that which rages in the place of dearest love.” ― Euripides

Notes:

!!! Warning !!! This chapter does contain self-harm (it will probably be on the only one with this explicit level of detail TBH). I've updated the tags to reflect that, but I figured it needs a warning too. If you need to skip this part, stop reading at "I’m going to let the hot water burn me." and then come back at "I close my eyes shut."

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As it turns out, I remember anger. Really, really well.

 

 

 

I don’t know how long I sit crying on the floor. My knees digging into my chest, I can feel the bones press into my breastplate. A little bit more, maybe, and I’ll crack my ribcage. Just a bit more, really. 

For many moments I consider pressing into myself until I hear that pop! The crack! Of my reality breaking and escaping back into the world where Edward Cullen loves me. Where the whole Cullen finally accepts me into their home with open arms. I’m no longer a fragile human waiting for their blessing.

 

 

 

It’s easy to consider breaking again for someone who just broke you. There’s a surprising fury in that epiphany.

 

 

 

 

Maybe hours later I register the sound of a van driving. Though it really could have been minutes after I slammed the door and my brain is just now recognizing it. The thought of time slipping doesn’t surprise me anymore.

Yet the sound wakes up every nerve in my body. It starts in my belly, the pit of rage threatening to boil over. I can feel the crackles of emotion When it shoots down my legs, they twitch uncontrollably. I stand up instinctively, but there’s no wobble in my posture. I’m immobile. I’m on fire. 

I run into the downstairs bathroom and face myself. 

My appearance is horrific. Dark circles underneath my eyes. I could have predicted that if I had been more conscious in the past month. My hair is unkempt and I probably smell horrible. In the back of my mind, the very depths of it, shame creeps up with the notion that Sam Uley saw me like this. How many other people? The whole school….the whole town.

A rage comes over me. What I have been reduced for in the name of another person. No, a god, but still a man. A perfect man sentencing me to misery indefinitely. Did he not even care how I might react to his departure? 

I hold my fist to my mouth and bite down. My teeth sting my flesh so I try to scream instead. It’s no good.

I rush out to the living room and grab a throw pillow from the crouch. I bury my face into it.

Now I scream. Now I let out the anger within me. I scream until my lungs burn and I think I can’t possibly get any louder. I hope the pillow masks the violence ricocheting in my ears. And at the same time, I hope they don’t. My screams should be heard all over Forks, through the forest, and to the edge of the ocean. That’s how it should have been when he left me.

 

 

 

 

When Charlie comes home from work, I’m bouncing my knees on the edge of the couch. I’ve spent the whole day pacing and jittering, ready to crawl out of my skin. Watching nonsense on TV didn’t do a single thing to distract me. My neurons won’t stop firing. 

“Bella?” His voice is stable, but I can hear the hint of apprehension and disbelief in it. He starts to take off his belt and put it on the table.

I shoot right out of my spot. I begin pacing again.

“I want to do something,” I tell him. I watch his eyes go wide, “Can we go shooting? I really want to shoot something right now.”

“Um,” Charlie stutters. “Uh, sure. You know what, I’ll call Billy and Harry and maybe we can make a day of it in a couple of weeks.”

“A couple of weeks!”

I groan and finger my hair incessantly. He liked my hair. Maybe I should chop it all off.

“Bella? Are you okay?” Charlie’s voice borders on concern now. Not this again.

I throw my arms down to my side in a rather petty and childish manner. Not that I care. “Fine, whatever. It doesn’t fucking matter!”

I see his heavy eyebrows furrow together in shock and I run off before he says something; the second time I’ve done this move today. My march up the stairs is heavy and without disruption. I throw open my bedroom door and close it forcefully.

Throwing myself belly first on my bed seems the logical choice. That way I can find another pillow and scream all over again.

When I wake up there’s light coming through the blinds of my window. Maybe an hour after sunrise. It takes me a long moment to adjust. I squint and try to see through the light. Rubbing my eyes only helps momentarily. 

In this brief moment, I’m confused. I don’t remember where I am, anything that has happened to me, or even who I am. I only know that the sun stings and I want to go back to sleep. I want to wake up later, born again and unafraid.

The moment is too short. Knowledge comes searing back into me and I remember. The anger pools inside once again. It’s a sickening internal lesion.

I throw the purple covers off myself and get out of bed. There’s only one thing in my line of sight: my computer.

I remember the times Alice has sent me emails of fashion magazines or even worse, the newest makeup products. My idea turns around inside my head. It’s worth a shot, though I know in my bones that it will fail.

I pull up my Email account.

 

 

 

To: Alice Cullen < [email protected] >

From: Bella Swan < [email protected] >

 

 

 

My fingers move across the keyboard and I push my feelings of dread away for just a second long enough.

 

 

 

Alice:

Where did you go?

 

 

 

I hit send and hold my breath.

A notification pops up thirty seconds later.

 

 

 

[Message failed to reach recipient] 

 

 

 

I slam my laptop shut.

 

 

 

Another stretch of time spills out before me. Only I am barely cognizant of its passing. I can’t remember what I’ve been thinking or dreaming about, what emotions come with those images either. 

There’s a faint knocking on my door.

“Bells?” Charlie asks. “Your mom has been wanting to talk to you.”

I open my bedroom door and give him a fake smile, “Yeah, alright, I’ll call her. Thanks.”

I’m about to close it again when he puts his hand in the way, forcing me to stop and make eye contact with him. There’s that worried look.

“Is there anything you need?”

Charlie is like me, fishing for the truth in a net of ambiguity. He knows his question could pertain to food, a shower, anything. But I know he’s hoping for something more solid to offer in order to snap me out of my delirium. He just doesn’t know it’s already been done.

I shake my head, “I’m good. Not so hungry tonight.”

I close the door quickly before he can protest.

 

 

 

[Message Failure]

 

Alice:

Why couldn’t you take me with you?

 

 

 

Eventually, I think, I do call my mom. Renee is happy to hear from me. That makes one of us. Yet, instead of the mumbling I normally hear coming through the line, her words make it through whatever walls inside of me continue to crumble.

“Hey baby,” she says. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

I don’t hear a sigh from her end, just a moment of contemplative silence.

“Have you been dreaming of anything lately?” she asks.

Yes, dying, over and over again. Sometimes by the hand, mouth, of a red-eyed creature. Sometimes by my own desire to launch myself into oblivion.

“Occasionally,” I answer. “I don’t remember much when I wake up.”

It’s surprisingly true. The details escape me, but the feeling of terror and darkness never leaves. Dreams make it all the worse, trapped in my own mind forever and alone.

I can picture her twirling a piece of her hair just like I do, “Charlie tells me he thinks you have nightmares.”

“Hm?”

“That you wake up screaming.”

My stomach falls and beads of black dots gather in front of my eyes. I don’t remember screaming, I really don’t. Just the horror of reality and passing out again whenever Charlie wakes me up knocking. Has he been hearing this for a long time? The pain of guilt makes me lose feeling in my extremities. 

I wrap my arms around myself, “I didn’t know.”

“Oh, baby,” she coos. “You’re certain you won’t come to live with me?”

“No, mom.”

“Really? Because I’ve been looking into these art therapy programs, even just for myself and…”

My voice grows harsh, “I really don’t think that will help.”

Renee does sigh then, “You don’t know that, sweetie.”

“I don’t like painting, mom.”

“But it’s not about painting per se! It’s getting your feelings out, so they’re not stuck inside you. It’s visualizing goals and a clear path to achieving them. It’s supposed to really work!”

I see red. The gooseflesh gathering on my arms starts to burn. Why does she always do this to me? Why can she never leave it alone?

“No.”

I hang up.

 

 

[Message Failure]  

 

Alice:

If this is about Edward, then just forget it….But if it’s about me, then I want to know.

 

 

 

I pace back and forth in my room. I feel like biting my nails down to the quick or tugging out my hair with each hand I run through it. I feel like throwing my cell phone out the window so no one can ever call or text again.

The days become more meaningless to me and because of that, I only grow angrier. How am I supposed to spend my time when I know better exists elsewhere?

Eric sends me a text:  Party @ my house? :-)

There’s nothing I can say in response to that.

Days pass and more people try to reach me. It feels like it’s everyone except the ones I want. The unfairness of it all only blackens my outlook on life. 

At school, I know I look angry. I bounce my leg harshly during lunch, still choosing to sit away from the group. I scowl at everyone who looks at me. It’s probably why they choose to message me instead, less fear of my rage. The guilt from that accumulates in the back of my head where I keep it locked away. At least at the moment.

Angela’s kindness continues to irk me:  Thinking of U (:

My response is curt:  Thx.

Then I look at their numbers still saved on my phone. Would it hurt calling again? Just one more time?

 

 

 

I know the answer to that.

 

 

[Message Failure]

 

Alice:

Why couldn’t you be honest with me? Or Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Emmett? Couldn’t someone have told me that I don’t belong?

 

 

 

I’m going to let the hot water burn me. It does. It should turn my skin pink again, like a snake just shedding its skin. The allegories of rebirth happening in water never made sense to me. Instead, I’m reminded of when I sat here waiting for the time to pass so Renee wouldn’t complain. My body ignites from that thought. She doesn’t understand. No one does. 

If I hear another “Are you okay, Bella?” I’m going to jump off a building and let myself be deconstructed on the pavement. Seems a fitting end to a human life. What begins with a spark in a black void ends with a whimper. I think there’s some famous quote about that. Not that it matters. Nothing does.

I bring my knees to my chest and shake back and forth. A sad human life. Of course I was left, of course. I’m imperfect and even becoming a vampire wouldn’t change that.

I look down at my thighs. There’s a long, black line underneath my skin. I know what it is. An ingrown hair. I cover my mouth with my hand and almost vomit in the shower. I hate them, I hate them so much.

There’s no way no way  I’m letting such a thing keep existing inside of me. Disgusting, horrific. No wonder he left me, no wonder. When I am marred by such things as a hair incapable of growing the right direction, who could stand the sight of me? 

I stand up, narrowly avoiding bumping into the showerhead. It fills me with rage. I shove the curtain to the side and hear the click-click-click of the metal clips hitting each other in a successive motion. 

A rampage through the bathroom drawers helps me find what I’m looking for: a pair of long and sharp tweezers. It’ll help me remove the mark inside of me. My skin will be all white again, just like theirs.

I slide back inside the shower and stand beneath the warmth for a moment. It feels nice for once. Maybe I shouldn’t do this, I think. But I’m going to, I am. I’m going to slice my flesh open and gag at the sight of my blood. It’s necessary, it is.

I fall down on my feet in the tub. My right thigh lays flat atop my ankle. Like a cadaver on a metal gurney, unmoving, ready for scalpel incision. 

The beginning is the worst part. The tweezers aren’t capable of sliding into the skin on the first try. So I stab gently and try to scrape. It leaves a large red mark, but the skin isn’t broken. I haven’t gone nearly deep enough.

My teeth clench together. I’ll use more pressure. It hurts, but I have to. I drag the edge of the tweezers back and forth until one by one each cellar layer splices open and parts. My skin is a well of redness now, but it’s still not deep enough for the hair to come out.

I can see the dark hair better, but it’s still so far out of my grasp. God, it looks like if I didn’t catch it when I did, it would have grown down my whole leg and reached my toes. The thought makes me sick. It’s enough motivation to press with all my strength.

The skin finally splits open. I can get one edge of a tweezer inside the wound. There’s blood now. My stomach acid curdles. But the constant stream of water on my leg pushes away each growing drop of crimson build-up before it can fall on its own accord.

The hair is impossible to grasp onto. I try to angle the tweezer so that I catch it in the middle and pull it out like that. It doesn’t work yet, I keep getting stuck on the skin walling off the wound. Maybe if I push the hair to that side and pull it up, it’ll come out.

The pain reaches my eyes. It could be the water hitting me, but I feel them glisten and burn. It’s too late to turn back. I’m determined, this has to be done.

I carve into myself for many minutes. The water only gets hotter. Maybe the faucet is broken? I don’t know how these things work. I won’t move from my position to fix it. I’ll stay hunched over myself and keep working.

My stomach keeps clenching. I’m not good with pain. The bite from James felt like liquid fire in my arm. This feels like that pain has been reduced to a needle-sized area in my thigh. Every spot I’m hit with water feels the same. It’s remembrance. If only I could pull this fucking hair out of me. 

 

 

 

The hair doesn’t exist.

 

 

 

I look at my wounded flesh, dumbfounded. Had I missed it, sliced the wrong spot open? Maybe I pulled it out without realizing it? My mouth grows dry and bitter. I know the truth, pooling at the bottom of my abdomen. There never was a hair.

The wound on my leg is stark white. The fluid normally in my arteries giving some sort of color to my flesh has poured out of this fissure. The shower stream reveals what I've done. There are chunks of flesh missing from where I carved, each bit pulled out in an effort to grab onto something that was never there. 

I blink.

The water is actually cold. 

I blink again. I stand up and don’t look down. I know a line of blood is falling down my thighs. I turn off the shower. I wobble as I stand up. I swallow the gathering of saliva under my tongue. 

 

 

 

I’m still alive, stuck, alone, burning up, bleeding out.

 

 

 

The mirror in my room shows me another terrible truth. My legs peeking out from beneath the towel are covered in red marks. Some are scabbed over, some are fresher. Many might scar. There has to be at least twenty littered down my thighs.

How many times have I done this? For how long?

 

 

 

Oh, God.

 

 

 

I close my eyes shut.

 

 

 

[Message Failure]

 

Alice:

If you’ve started to hate me, that’s OK. I hate myself already.

 

 

But honestly?...I kind of hate you all too…

 

 

 

The cafeteria bustles with an energy I’ve failed to notice these past couple of months. Excitement maybe, for the second-to-last semester of high school to finish. I breathe in deeply and let the scent of sub-par food reach my nose. There’s always an overbaked pizza option, always. I fiddle with the packaged salad in my hands.

Another breath and I walk over to the table I’ve previously abandoned. They’re engrossed in some chatter about soccer-related topics. Angela seems attentive, but Jessica is quickly growing bored of the subject. Mike and Eric don’t pay any attention to their feelings on the matter. 

Looking at them only ties the knot worse in my stomach. They notice me when I get closer and stop talking immediately. I try to keep the look on my face nonchalant as I sit down right next to Mike.

“Hey,” I offer.

“Hi, Bella,” Angela smiles sweetly. She makes any surprise she has with genuine compassion. My stomach acid boils.

“Woah!” Mike grins, “So you’re back!”

He’s like a little kid at this moment, eager to receive praise from a mother that has repeatedly abandoned him. I don’t get his interest in me when he could have Angela. Perhaps it's because she and Eric take too long masking their shock around my joining their table with a more acceptable emotion.

I nod and brush my fingers through my hair. I can’t quite make eye contact with any of them yet. Jessica offers me a tight smile while looking between the others on how to continue responding.

“Awesomesauce,” Eric laughs, finally. “We were just discussing…”

Yeah, I don’t pay attention. But I can’t really say what my mind wandered off to anyway. The millions of little thoughts and pinpricks of emotion render me mute. I’m completely scatterbrained, unable to focus on anything other than seeing their faces in front of me. 

The collective buzzing of students' voices in the room reaches every neuron in my head, splitting open thousands of memories before me. I see so many flashes of him, them, sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, never eating. I see them in their house, the perfect statues of Greece basking in their glory while doing something so simple as flipping through a magazine. And I see him, feel it even, his lips on my forward when I say something stupid that only a human could.

It’s too late and the packet of salad dressing I’d been trying to open explodes out all over my dark striped shirt. There are going to be a thousand islands of stains to get rid of. And I thought I liked this shirt too.

The group stares at me a second and then breaks out into laughter at my expense.

I slam my first down on the table without thinking, “Fuck!”

“Dang, Bella,” Jessica chides. “You should, like, take a chill pill or something.”

Her laughter boils my blood. Her arrogance, her condensation. Everything strikes a fire inside of me.

“And do you know where I can get one of those?” I snap. 

My voice cuts with the malice I used on Renee and Charlie, undeservedly again. The group falls silent. Shit.

I sit up a bit straighter and find my fingers combing through my hair again, “Uh, sorry. I just have a lot of anxiety, you know.”

Mike nods at me slowly, “Um, yeah, definitely.”

“Of course, we understand,” Angela says. No, you don’t.

After a minute of awkward glances in my direction, the conversation returns to its normal pace. I quickly excuse myself to the bathroom after I find the napkins in front of me aren’t enough to get the dressing off my shirt. 

I want to scrub it until my fingers go raw between the friction of damp, frayed cotton. I’d scrub until the stain spreads throughout my whole shirt, down my pants, into my shoes, until all of my very skin is red and sore, bleeding and broken.

But I stop and look back up at myself in the bathroom mirror. The light flickers from the occasionally short-circuiting of badly installed electrical wiring. The darkness underneath my eyes is not as strong as it might have been weeks ago. Yet there’s an aura of something undeniably lost on my face. I feel as if I might vibrate with rage at that.

There’s a hollowness in my cheeks and an even greater lack of pigment in my skin tone all around. There’s something I’m not remembering quite right, something that could destroy me. It’s the very worst of my fears. I’ve somehow forgotten a certainty embedded into my soul that now lingers far below surface access. This  is  going to destroy me.

“What have you done to me?” I whisper. To no one. To everyone.

 

 

 

[Message Failure]

 

Alice:

I can’t keep hurting myself over this. Contacting you when you’ll never respond is a mistake. Goodbye.

 

 

 

I’m leaving the library when Eric smiles at me and pulls me aside. His eyes take on a wild, conspiratorial look that matches his hushed tone.

“Bella, I’ve got an idea for your anxiety problem,” he says. 

My eyebrows raise at him. This better not be a religious thing. I think I’m out of reasonable excuses to get out of going to Angela’s father’s services.

Eric’s voice grows even lower and I fight the urge to move away from him as he gets closer to me, “Have you ever smoked pot?”

“What?” I exclaim, “No!”

I am the police chief’s daughter after all, even if Renee may have not really cared. But it was never an issue I felt like exploring with her.

Eric tugs on my arm to pull us away from a gaggle of teachers. “Shhh!” he whispers.

I take a breath through my nose and decide to let him continue.

“It helps with anxiety a lot. Even with nightmares. You just get this intense calm feeling all over your body. It’s really like nothing can bother you! I use it sometimes before tests…” he continues on about the benefits of marijuana. Supposedly can help with a lot of diseases too.

I’m almost about to tell him off when the vision of me standing before my mirror last night seers itself into my brain. I need calm and I need peace in my body, even if I don’t deserve it. So, why not try anything to get that?

“Okay,” I cut him off. “How do I get it?”

Eric smiles, wide-eyed and experienced all at once.

 

 

 

The trip to the Rez is both calming and entirely nerve-wracking. If I’m there for not more than an hour, then Charlie won’t wonder where I’m gone. It’s pretty important to not look suspicious in front of him. Yet, the voice in the back of my head, the one that said vampires won’t hurt me, tells me this is more important than being a good daughter. 

My truck steals a few curious looks from the inhabitants of the land. They know to recognize each other and be wary of tourists, I suppose. By the time I’m at the gas station, however, the looks stop and the onlookers present only sport a dejected look on their faces.

I pull up to a pump and casually close my car door. The big SUNCO sign is only half illuminated. The stench of gasoline tickles my nose. 

Instead of doing what I should, going inside the service station to put a twenty on pump 5, I walk to the side of the building and approach the teenagers laughing and kicking empty bottles.

Like everyone else here, their brown skin glows and their long, dark, straight hair looks like perfectly spun black silk. Even with their young and lanky figures, their carefree attitude only ‘others’ me more.

I clear my throat, badly, “Are you guys, uh, selling pot?”

They stop talking and look between themselves.

“Who sent you?” the tallest one asks, he brushes his hair back against his shoulder and looks down at me.

I gulp, “Eric Yorkie.”

A smaller one laughs, “Wow, you just gave away that dude’s full name.”

They all laugh.

I feel my own cheeks burn, “Sorry.”

The tall one waves his hand, “It doesn’t matter. Do you got a name?”

“Bella.” The thought of giving a fake name only comes after the truth leaves my lips. 

“Alright, Bella. Yeah, we sell weed. Did you want some?”

I fumble through my jeans pocket to pull out the money I have lying around, “Uh, here.”

They keep laughing at me.

The third one looks at me with amazement, “Have you ever done this before? Goddamn! She looks like a deer in the headlights.”

I shake my head.

Maybe out of some kindness to my naivete, the tall one steps closer to me. “You’re going to need a grinder and roll-ups. A lighter too. You got those?”

“Oh,” I say and push my left foot into the ground. “I thought it came pre-packaged?"

Their laughter is the wildest I’ve heard in the five minutes I’ve been here.

The boy in front of me composes himself and offers me a charismatic smile, “You’re lucky we’ve got a first customer special going on. Here, I’ll let you try the product for free since you’re so new.”

He fiddles with something I guess is the grinder. I watch him move the top of the silver container to the left, hearing the friction inside with whatever gears must be crushing the plant.

A chill passes over me. There’s something behind me. I turn to look before I think about it.

The figure of Edward Cullen stands tall and scowls. The blue button-up he wears is my favorite. It peels back to a part of his skin shimmering in the light. It’s perfection. I want to turn away and approach him immediately.

But the sun isn’t shining. How can he be glistening? 

He isn’t real.

The breath gets sucked out of my lungs. I turn away from the kids now engrossed in their own conversation and whisper, “What are you doing here?”

Edward’s silk voice cuts through the air, even if it still sounds partly underwater. It makes my knees buckle. “You promised to be safe.”

I steel myself, “I don’t actually remember that.”

The weight of him in front of me ignites my nerves. How can he do this? How can my own mind let him back in so easily? The unfairness of it all spins me around.

The small kid takes the object from the tall one and holds it up to his mouth, “It’s called a blunt, if you were wondering.”

They snicker more and flick the lighter on to burn the end of the blunt. The inhale and happy exhale of light smoke almost mesmerizes me.

“That is not safe,” Edward warns.

Don’t I already know that?

I’m handed the blunt and I weigh it in my hand for a second. The paper is waxy and smooth even if it’s dark brown and looks like it should be rough. If I press hard enough, I can feel the individual grains of marijuana inside it.

A flicker of dark skin and a familiar tattoo hit me in the corner of my vision. I don’t pay it much mind.

“Don’t do this,” the hallucination pleads with me. “Bella.”

I look straight into the ghostly eyes of Edward Cullen and bring the blunt to my lips. It’s foreign and honestly gross. The smell of burning paper nauseates me. The effect better be worth it.

His sad gold eyes peer into me. Even his hairs still tosses in the wind. I never imagined a hallucination could be so corporeal. But the longer I stare the more blurred he gets around the edges, fading into a blue murkiness of which I know I'll never recover if I let myself get too close again.

“Please, Bella.”

 

 

 

Go to hell.

 

 

 

I inhale.

 

Notes:

TLDR; Bella is an angry and unreliable narrator ATM.

Ugh, I've found writing her chapters is just so much harder than writing Sam. Perhaps because she's so utterly miserable and I find myself dealing with issues/trauma more like Sam: focusing on everything else, but my feelings rather than doing what Bella does which is shutting out everything but her own misery. I think they make great foils to each other this way.

Also, after 20,000 words, I think it is finally! time! to pit Sam and Bella in some scenes against each other. Definitely over Bella's burgeoning habits, don't ya think??

Thanks for reading and bearing with my interpretation of difficult topics!

Chapter 5: Sam Part Three

Summary:

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” ― Winston Churchill

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I still make the three of us train hard. The sinking feeling of dread vibrates in my bones. Each of us phasing every day still isn’t enough for Jared to waver in his happiness, no matter how hard it gets in the forest. The memories of Kim’s laughter and adoration strike a bitter cord within me. As a result, I add in training to shield our minds from each other better. Jared and Paul never quite manage to catch on completely. My own ability fails to shelter them from the annoyance I possess. The guilt from that surfaces during the darkest hours of the night, and only when I’m alone. I can hide shame, at the very least.

Bella’s face haunts me in these moments too. The feeling of my blood pumping through my heart solely for her never ceases to scare me. I don’t know what choice is left in my life, but the promise to stay away from her until she’s stable may be the last one left. I don’t know who exactly I am promising this to.

Or, that was the plan until Paul approaches us in the middle of our rounds. Jared has gotten considerably better at memorizing the lay of the land. The ounce of stress that removes from my shoulders only barely registers.

Feeling Bella cross over the threshold into the reservation was not a feeling I could ignore. The instinct to seek her out almost takes over completely. But Paul Lahote gives me the reason for her visit soon enough.

“Yo, your girl is smoking pot with the idiots out at the gas station,” Paul announces. He’s smug like he’s got something on me. But Paul knows that any action he takes around her without my express approval would be met with severe consequences. Ones I’d revel in creating.

I raise my eyebrows, “Devin and Johnny?”

“Yeah and another one. Seems like their side hustle is really picking up if they got her to come along.”

My teeth gnaw together and I growl, “I’ll handle it.”

“Or just let her have her fun?” Paul chuckles. “Worst that can happen is she gets scammed out of a couple bucks.”

“No, the problem is she’s getting high.”

“I think that’s the point, boss,” Jared laughs. “Though I wouldn’t exactly want Kim doing that when I’m not around.”

I ignore the comparison between our imprints that he feels he has the right to make.

“She’s still not coping well,” I argue. “I have a feeling she wouldn’t just stop at weed to get over it.” I won't elaborate on what it is. They already know.

“How do you know that?” Paul chides.

Jared answers for me, “Sometimes you just know these things. Like how I know how Kim will react to any grade she gets on a test. Honestly, anything less than 90% is a disaster to her. Babe wants all A’s this semester.”

“This is different,” I spit out at him, harshness unjustified and yet unstoppable. “She’s not well.”

Jared sighs at me, “Because she needs you, man.”

I snarl at him with a full tooth-baring grimace.

“If you really want her avoiding those losers, you’re the only person capable of persuading it. She’ll respond to you best.”

“Doubtful,” I counter.

But the tugging feeling that Jared is right hits me in the face the second I’m alone. I see her pained, freckled face once again and I collapse under the weight of her doing anything else to destroy herself.

I can’t put off talking to Billy about her any longer.

He isn’t surprised when I come.

But he does shake his head at me like my very nature to protect her isn’t just another tragedy. He’s right. 

“Charlie says she’s been pretty angry lately. Yelling at Renee on the phone.”

Billy snorts at that like he enjoys the thought of his friend’s ex-wife finally getting some retribution for her careless actions. Even though their family dynamic shouldn’t be my business, I can’t stop myself from letting Billy tell out the whole story of Renee and Charlie’s divorce. Plenty of betrayal and heartbreak to go around in this world, I suppose.

But hearing about Bella, anything about her at all fills the void inside me for a few moments. I decide not to tell Billy about her new activities in order to eliminate the possibility it could get back to her father in any way.

“Didn’t peg Bella for a heavy metal kind-of-gal. The old chief says she turns it up so loud he can feel the hallway shake when he walks by. Reminded me of us when we were that age. Thinkin’ we were some kinda rebels or something.”

Billy goes off on more tangents of his youth, the days when he wasn’t confined to his chair. I do feel sorry for the man, but other than ensuring his protection from whatever demons may lurk in the forest, the responsibility of keeping his health up does not lie upon me. Whenever Jacob phases, I’ll yell at the poor kid to get after Billy’s bad diet. I don’t know much about diabetes, but the sugar that man takes in has to be enough to get a whole classroom of kids rowdy.

My voice cuts him off before I think about finding enough tact to change the subject respectfully, “I’m going to talk to her.”

He blinks at me and then breaks into a grin, “Good. That’ll be good for you, son.”

I shake my head, “It’s for her, not me.”

There’s a sadness, an unquantifiable knowing in his gaze, “One day she’ll thank you for it.”

I want to tell him that one day I hope to find a way to set her free from this curse, but the buried, selfish part of me fights against that notion. I know what I want, deep inside. I want to see her face and feel her happiness every day I can. The thought of hearing about her goals and successes, even if as mundane as passing an English test, stirs the still-breathing well of hope inside of me. And below all of that, I want some of that happiness to be from being beside me.

When I feel her come back onto the rez a week later I know where to look for her, finally allowing myself to track her location as if it’s been hidden inside my nerves this entire time. And the realization of that will bring on another wave of terror to face by myself later. At this moment, however, I allow myself to feel high off her energy. I try not to point out the hypocrisy of preventing her own inebriated escape from the pains of life. The reminder that putting foreign substances into your body to escape reality is a path straight to addiction convinces me well enough that my cause is justified. 

There’s a pang of self-indulgence in realizing I’m going to confront her shirtless. I don’t dwell on the budding excitement of seeing her reaction.

The solid foot I’ve grown since phasing and the likely additional hundred pounds of muscle I’ve gained make me a formidable force on our land. It has its moments of use.

It doesn’t take the kids long to see me walking towards them for the panic to set in and cause them to leap off their feet. Their eyes grow wide and they shove everything incriminating into their jean pockets immediately.

My improved hearing easily catches their last words: “Shit. The fucking hall monitor is here again.”

They all run off in different directions. Bella is not nearly fast enough to react to why it would be a good idea to get out of my line of sight. She looks around at them confused and watches them run off with her mouth agape.

When she looks at me marching towards her, her brown eyes grow large. The buzzing that courses through my body at her remembrance of me might send me into orbit. But I keep my face hard and still to meet her.

She crunches the gravel underneath her feet and holds a joint between her fingers, almost as if contemplating taking another hit or offering it to me.

I clear my throat when I’m within a few feet of her. I hardly dare to get any closer or my instincts to pick her up and escape into the woods would take over.

Bella’s eyes flicker over to my hand. She remembers the injury as well. Guilt from having to lie to her tightens my throat. Fortunately, she says nothing. I follow her gaze to my torso and feel just a little bit of pride to see her shock that someone could be as large and muscular as me. But she doesn’t look completely impressed as the other girls from Forks have reacted.

Her thin eyebrows furrow, “Where’s your shirt?”

“I get hot easily,” I answer. 

“In November?”

I want to answer all her questions, I do, even the ones she doesn’t even know she has. But my purpose for being here settles at the top of my mind.

“Listen, Ms. Swan, my responsibilities for our tribe include keeping the youth safe and clean. I would appreciate it if you didn’t indulge those kids anymore.”

She looks to where my gaze is settled. “What?”

I pick the joint out of her fingers easily and squash it beneath my feet. Momentarily, I curse my lack of shoes as I feel the ignited end scrape against me. It too will heal quicker than she knows.

“What the hell!” Bella yells at me. “I paid for that!”

“You’re better off spending your money on something else.”

Bella crosses her arms and glares up at me. Even if I wasn’t tied to her, I’d find her stance cute despite her best efforts at conveying anger. The way the corners of her mouth twitch in annoyance and shock sears itself onto my soul. 

“I have a right to do whatever I want with my money.”

“Not here you don’t.”

She huffs, “Who the hell do you think you are?”

I find myself unable to answer that, honestly or with a half-truth.

Bella scowls and mutters underneath her breath, “And I’m not Ms. Swan to you.”

“Alright,” I say, “Bella Swan then. I am asking you to leave and not come back to the reservation if your only intention here is to buy drugs.”

A breeze comes in and she shivers, pulling her flannel closer to her chest. I would hold her to keep her warm if she asked me to, but she doesn’t know such an option even exists.

Not expecting her response, she takes me by surprise when she laughs bitterly. “I think you should leave me the fuck alone.”

Impossible.

“I will stop you if you come back,” I respond.

“I’d like to see you try,” she snarls and storms off to her red truck. 

She makes an effort to slam the door and speed off. It is the furthest thing from intimidating when all I can think about is the possibility of that truck breaking down on the side of the road from pushing its limits too far. Then I remember Jacob Black helped to work on it for her and the pit of jealousy grows in my stomach. I’m already tired of being jealous of vampires.

Even though Bella meant those words sarcastically, I pretend for just a second that she does wish to see me again. But the pull she may feel towards the reservation likely comes off as strange to her, if she acknowledges it at all.

I find Jared sitting on a couple of rocks outside of my house at night. It’s his turn to help me with a night shift while Paul sleeps. I could feel his exhaustion ebbing at the back of my mind and I’m not yet cruel enough to make him push through it. Though I don’t know how I feel about being alone with Jared whose thoughts never waver from Kim.

We pass a few hours time by running through the forest following Jared’s sightings of small game to hunt. He’s well past his initial disgust of killing small animals. Neither of us feels particularly compelled to eat any of it right now, however. I take the chance to give another lecture on the importance of not destroying the ecosystem we live in. The word ‘ecosystem’ unfortunately reminds him of Kim and biology class immediately.

My mind slips and Jared’s thoughts on Kim bring me to thinking of Bella. I can feel his intention to tease me, which I absolutely won’t have from a sixteen-year-old. I think back on my distaste of the youth of today getting more into pot instead.

“Shouldn’t we be watching those kids too?” Jared asks. He knows about the list I have for the next pack members should any threat arise.

“No,” I reply. “They’re from families who have moved here recently. They likely do not have any Quileute in them. But they are still our responsibility to protect as they are members of the tribe as a whole. We don’t get to choose who deserves our services.”

“Right,” he answers, unconvinced that I do want to protect them at all. He’s right again, though I won’t tell me why. It feels very selfish to only care about them in relation to Bella.

“It shouldn’t matter anyway,” I continue. “The Cullens have left and have hopefully taken the last of their destruction with them.”

Except for the one thing they were happy to leave broken.

When I catch her again at the gas station, she’s giggling with the three teens. I taste something sour in my mouth because of it. They eye me up and down as I approach their group. When I get closer, I feel Bella’s heart rate pick up. So, she is at least partially wary of me. Yet for her credit, she carries on the conversation until I get too close to be ignored.

They all turn to stare at me with an annoyed but unsurprised look. They’ve anticipated my arrival and planned for it. It does cause a bit of pride to swell in me that she’s at least intelligent in this regard or not completely uncaring yet.

“What’s up?” Devin Albert asks me. His voice is flat, but I can still see them all waiting on edge to hear my response.

“I’m just here to make sure you kids aren’t doing anything bad,” I answer. I keep my own voice low and make an effort to look downwards as even the tallest of the three doesn’t come close to my size.

Bella snorts and shakes her head at me, refusing to make further eye contact. She does roll her eyes, “How old are you anyway?”

“I’m twenty-four.” I watch her eyes go wide for a second and then draw back together hurriedly. “So I’ve got enough experience to know that smoking weed doesn’t work out so great in the long term.”

Finally, Bella Swan turns to look at me, fiery brown eyes and shimmering red highlights in her hair that she casually brushes over her shoulders. “We’re obviously not doing that today, so you can leave now.”

Of course. I look down at the object in her hand and realize it’s a regular cigarette, not a blunt. The other three don’t have anything they’re messing around with either.

“That’s really not any better for you,” I sigh.

She gives me a gloating smile, “Well, I’m eighteen and legally allowed to buy them.”

“I can still be against it,” I argue.

“Morally, sure,” Bella shrugs. “But that’s about it.”

I look between the four of them. Bella’s eyes shine with the threat to push her further. I’m really tempted to try. The dark faces of the other three still sport a mask of indifference hiding apprehensive doubt.

“I really don’t trust that you wouldn’t share with those who are underage,” I counter. It’s the best I could improvise.

Bella swallows and then sighs again, “Fine. I was just leaving anyway.”

She walks away again but does turn her head to look back at the boys and then briefly, for a half-second, stare at me. I feel myself splinter at her gaze. If only she knew she has the power to tear me apart.

Yet, just as she’s about to walk around to her car door, I smell it. The breeze blows her hair and clothes to the left and she looks back again at me in fear. There’s a baggy sticking out and flapping with the wind in her back jeans pocket. The smell is definitely that of an illegal substance. Fuck. Though honestly besides feeling anger at the betrayal, I am impressed she almost managed to get away with tricking me.

Before I can react, she’s already in her truck and turning the ignition to get away. I’m left standing with a look of absolute rage on my face that manages to crack through the stony exterior of reservation teens.

“You’re going to stay away from her,” I seethe through my teeth. “If you sell her anything else, I’m going to tell your parents and teachers. If that doesn’t work, you’ll answer to the whole tribe. Do I make myself clear?”

They look at me with terrified eyes as they nod. Fortunately, they understand the severity of punishments I could crack down on them if I was so inclined. I probably should be getting more involved in stopping their behavior as a whole, but the mark Bella Swan has on my mind only allows me to think of her in this encounter.

“Whatever,” the third, unnamed kid says when he’s recovered. “She’s crazy anyway.”

The Johnny Beck kid nods, “Talks to herself all the time.”

They give each other sideways glances as if this truth has been apparent from the very beginning. Yet, it never came up when talking to Billy. The news of it hits me in the chest, but I don’t react in front of them, not to teens who don’t know anything and never will.

“I don’t care. Tell her to leave when she comes again. I’ll know if you don’t.”

I run off before they are given any more chances to plead their case. I won’t hear it.

For the rest of the day and night, I have Paul and Jared split up the work. Eventually, I realize I should bring them into the construction business I’ve got. Especially Paul since he doesn’t seem keen on remaining in school. There’s a tightness in my chest that grows when I remember how I at least got to graduate and get a few years of college. These kids may not get even that. 

The house is empty when I enter it. The feeling of missing Emily, but not exactly missing her in the way I used to strikes me each time I come home. And because I’m alone now, the pretense for pushing the guilt away is easily dropped. She was the one who helped me get the side business started. For all her flaws, she did care when I talked about my engineering and construction interests. The story of how I remodeled, almost entirely rebuilt, this house always fascinated her. Unable to stop myself, I wonder if Bella Swan would care also.

I feel the need to distract myself, but my mind would be wholly unable to focus on whatever is airing on my crappy television set. I was never one for this time of entertainment anyway. I would like to rest, but there’s anxiety creeping up my arms and legs. The shower seems the best option to bring down my burgeoning panic. I never quite know how to deal with the feelings I never understand.

Normally, I never go for scorching hot water, but I find myself turning the dial all the way. Vaguely in the back of my head, I wonder if this is how Bella prefers her showers. I wonder more philosophically about how many traits of hers will be adopted by me unconsciously. The legends never talked about this. How much of myself do I get to retain? And what of her?

Her face and the many subtle expressions I’ve seen from it flicker through my vision. I suddenly don’t care if the world finds her plain. That face is the most perfect one I’ve seen in my entire life. The way her brow furrows and the corners of her lips turn up. I resolve to protect that face from any danger in the world, even the dangers caused by her own actions.

I grow hard underneath the shower. I don’t imagine anything sexual about Bella Swan, only her beautiful face. It’s still enough to make my cock twitch in desperation. She does not know me at all. Though I can feel her presence, crave it, I don’t really know her either. The tragedy of my situation isn’t lost on me. Jared’s happy ending with Kim only makes it hurt all the worse. I’d maybe cry if I didn’t feel the pressure to relieve myself.

My hand travels to my shaft and I slowly pump up and down. Her brown eyes haunt me. I focus on imagining her happy. It’s the greatest thing I want in the world: to keep her healthy and happy. Even if it’s not with me. That thought sends me into the realm of losing control. My grip is too hard to fully enjoy the sensations of this practice. I just want to get it over with, find enough of a release to let myself sleep tonight. I start focusing on the tip of my cock to do so.

The thing that tips me over the edge is imagining myself as a wolf, following behind her throughout the forest, hearing her laughter, and looking back at me as her protector. I yearn for it. I come all over my hand with the whisper of her name on my tongue. I’ll wash myself and go to bed. Try to forget that any of this has happened for the night.

More days meld together. Sometimes I feel entirely too tired to push Paul and Jared as much as they should be pushed. If they notice anything lax about my behavior, they don’t mention it. I promise them to get started on some small construction work soon. I push off the scheduling issue of this and still completing shifts in the forest.

Though I’ve been given the mantle of protection of our lands, I often avoid venturing into the shops in town. Yet, the need for new tools to involve both Jared and Paul is unavoidable. I consider wearing a shirt and shoes to my outing but decide against it in case anything shows up. Bella might return anytime.

I’m crossing the street to go into the local hardware shop when I see her.

Leah.

Her long, straight hair blows in the wind and she turns to face me completely from across the way. Her face is the passive one I’ve come to know. I stared at that expression for many years. Even though I haven’t talked to her in nearly two, I remember that face. It’s a test. She enjoys keeping a neutral look just to push my anger onto the surface. 

This time, however, it’s the other way. She’s looking to push shame onto me. I know it like I know there’s a wolf inside of me, always lurking and waiting for the time to come out.

I don’t know how she knows, but I know she knows I’ve ended my relationship with Emily. I can see the flicker of condemnation in her eyes. She may have hated us for what we did to her, but she’s sentencing me to a life of utter self-disgust for leaving another caring and thoughtful woman.

I swallow the pain in my throat and watch her for some moments longer. Out of the corner of my eye, I can almost see her shake her head at me.

Then, I feel something else: Bella has returned to the reservation.

A ball of hope forms in me. She’s going to be told she can’t buy weed from those kids anymore. In the back of my head, I hope she does get angry enough to find me and yell at me. I’ll take any contact with her.

But there’s a strange feeling that follows. It does not feel like success on my end. It feels like she’s gotten away with something. No. I won’t allow this.

I’m in a frenzy, completely gone. I run on instinct only to chase after her. Her presence beats ng within me just as much as my blood does through the valves in my arteries. I feel her slipping away. But I can’t phase to catch up with her or risk the whole reservation seeing it. Instead, I pound my feet on the dirt road and pump my arms as fast as the air will allow me.

The anger is threatening to overcome me. Has she outsmarted me again? To her own detriment? I clench my teeth together to prevent myself from screaming. Hazily, I hear someone shouting my name, but I’m too far gone to know if it’s an auditory hallucination or not. 

It feels so off, so totally wrong. It feels somehow more devastating than Leah’s continued hatred of me, made worse by knowing it’s entirely justified. It feels like Bella slipping out of my grasp even though I’ve barely gotten close to her. I go faster than my body has gone before. It still isn’t enough.

“Sam!” Jared’s watery voice reaches my ears but I ignore it.

When I finally make it to the gas station I see her pull out of the driveway. She looks at me from the driver’s side of her red truck. Her eyes narrow and then she’s gone, barrelling down the road faster than the car should allow.

“Fuck!” I hiss.

I see Devin, Johnny, and the third one laughing by the side of the service store, kicking glass bottles against the curb. A whole string of curses about them floods my mind.

They see me come and immediately go wide-eyed and terrified when they recognize I’m coming directly for them and won’t let them get away.

“What did you do?!” I yell at them. “What did you give her?!”

Johnny shakes his head, brave enough to face me, “Nothing, man. Like you said.”

Devin and the third one laugh, “But you didn’t say we couldn’t give her the name of another supplier in Forks.”

I reach up to my head and pull at my hair, hard. “Are you fucking kidding me!” 

They shrug, “You didn’t say we couldn’t do that.”

“I’m getting your parents involved and the school. You will answer for this.”

I shake my finger at them and storm off. I feel almost angry enough to phase right here and now. My control wavers considerably.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” They begin to shout.

“Come on, man!”

“She’s a freak anyway!”

Get out of my head. Get out of my head!

Their ill opinion of the most beautiful woman I know only adds to my rage. I can’t be around them when I’m like this. It would be the exact opposite of being a protector of the land. 

I’m about to take off my shorts and let the beast out when Jared’s voice rings through the atmosphere again. Beyond irritating since I really want to bite into something now and tear it apart.

“Sam, something’s going on!”

I curse back, “Something is always going on.”

Jared insists on following me. Damn my short-sightedness and not saving a part of the forest for myself. It would be useful now to run off somewhere and scare him into getting lost if he keeps trailing me. 

“It’s Old Quil! He says it’s really important!”

“Fine! Fucking fine. I’ll deal with this nonsense.” I turn on my heel and go the opposite direction to Billy’s house. It’s only a hunch that that’s where they’ll be, but I’m typically right with these things. It’s tempting to hit against Jared’s shoulder as I pass him, but I remember his young age and it’s just enough to not be violent right now.

We march across the forest floor and I feel Jared slightly struggle to catch up. Somehow he manages a burst of energy and reaches my position. I look forward to the scenery to avoid his eye contact attempts. I know what he’s trying to say. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I finally look back and muster all the muscles in my face to go completely rigid and say ‘No and if you try, there’ll be consequences.’

He gets the picture and moves behind me once again. I’m thankful we’re not in our wolf forms now or I’d hear his exact thoughts on the issue.

Reaching Billy Black’s house doesn’t take long and I’m soon confirmed in my suspicion that this is where everyone else is. Harry’s blue car is out front, likely the one that picked up Old Quil and took him here. And if this is the meeting place, Billy better have taken care of Jacob so he does not overhear what he hasn’t inherited. 

I’m not exactly smooth when I throw open the Black family door. Billy, Harry, Old Quil, and Paul all look up at me in momentary shock seeing my angry face. Then their grim expressions return.

“What’s going on?” I ask, with the softest voice I can muster when all I really want to do is shout.

Paul looks towards the ground and shakes his head. Jared takes his place behind me and to the right.

The three tribal elders only purse their lips.

I swear if this drags on any longer…

“The Call boy,” Old Quil's frail voice echoes throughout the house. “His time is almost upon us.”

All the rage inside me freezes. It is replaced with terror. I think to Bella and my instinct to run to her has never been greater. I wish to hold her, make sure she’s still okay, and I wish she’d want to do the same for me.

I find Paul’s eyes, the same emotion gathering inside them. 

“Embry is going to phase?” Jared’s voice finally cuts through the tension. There’s a wobble to it so Jared himself must recognize the news of a new member is not good this time. If it ever was...

No one answers him. If more boys are going to phase, then that can only mean one thing.

 

 

 

 

 

The threat of the Cold Ones is still out there.

Notes:

Dun dun dun!!! But honestly where else does a New Moon/Eclipse fix-it story go? Though the plot will undoubtedly be similar to Meyer and a lot of other fics, I'm still hoping to have enough tricks up my sleeve to make it a bit different. And where that might not be possible, hopefully I can better explore the emotion and tragedy of the situation in my words. But next chapter will be more plot heavy for Bella!

Also, going on the fanfiction subreddit scared me into thinking someone could copy this story and post it on the fanfiction.net site without my permission so I decided to post it there myself. It's not caught up to where the story is here and even when it is, it will have to be 'sanitized' in some places to meet their guidelines.

As always, thanks for reading!

Chapter 6: Bella Part Three

Summary:

"They asked me what coach I was in. I sighed and told them the truth. 'I'm in a special coach, girls, heading straight for death,'" ― Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I dangle my legs over my bed as I reach for the altoid tin beside me. I pop one red circular gummy into my mouth and chew. The taste is much better than smoking. I can easily see why people prefer edibles.

It'll hit me in thirty minutes or so. I remember the guy's words to not take too many at once. Even just a few milligrams will 'put you on your ass for your size.' A big high isn't necessary anyway, just enough to blur the edges of the damning hallucination of Edward Cullen.

"Bella, stop," it says to me.

"No," I sometimes answer. Sometimes I don't say anything at all.

He keeps looking at me with his heartbroken, shimmering face. I want to curse him out, tell him I'm the one suffering, but I can't. Deep inside me, his form gives me comfort. Even if it's ultimately not real.

"You're better than this, Bella."

I'm really not.

"I still love you," it whispers to me at night. The cracks inside me splinter further.

"No, I still love you. You left me."

He never answers that. He must know he has nothing left to say.

"You said you didn't want me," I cry. I feel the rivers of tears fall down my cheeks as I hold my pillow to my chest, waiting for relief to hit me. It never comes fast enough.

Edward whispers to me, so close I can nearly feel his lips on my ear, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, no!" I cry more. "Please don't leave me again."

He doesn't. He can't. Not when his purpose is reduced to shaming me for my actions. That's all he's left of himself. A cloud of guilt.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Then there's Sam Uley, who looks at me with his own brand of disappointment. I don't really know who he is. But I know the truth: he can see me for the wreck that I am. He's right, of course, to try to kick me off the reservation, to not 'corrupt the youth.' But I need somewhere to go, I do. I can't stay in my room while Edward tells me of the failures I already carry.

I don't feel pride in tricking Sam, even though he found out about it both times. It feels shameful, like I'm an addict in the making. I remember watching documentaries about heroin usage with Renee, or rather I watched while she flipped through a magazine on our couch. These were the days before Phil occupied her time. I thought I resolved to never do anything like that. Who am I now?

"You're still my Bella," Edward replies.

Please, please. Stop.

 

 

 

 

 

The first sensation I feel is light sensitivity. The lights above my bed flicker on and off. Have they done this before? It's so bright I can't see the cord between them anymore. I squint and squint but find nothing.

They turn into orbs of blinding light. I put my hand over my eyes to protect them, but it's no use. I can hardly look away. Some move forward in space and some move back. Then they alternate positions. Are there UFOs in my room? Little fairy lights? I stare until my mind goes numb.

Somehow I keep remembering that my mind is numb and for a fraction of a second, I'm pulled back into reality. The openness of my room scares me so I close my eyes and sink back into myself. Then I wonder what is going on around me and I open my eyes again.

This repeats. And repeats. And repeats.

I think there's a glass of water by my bed. I resolve to drink some. But the overwhelming task of sitting up and reaching for it and holding it and tilting it upwards is too much. So much. I don't know if I can handle this.

I spill the glass of water all over myself before I realize what I'm doing. My throat is still burning with need.

Blinking becomes much slower. Have I felt my eyelashes on my skin like this before? It's amazing, feeling every little thing. This must be what being a vampire is like.

Yes.

I'm a vampire at this moment. I laugh to myself. Take that Edward. I am high and mighty and better than everyone else. I can run through walls and trees. I'm bulletproof.

I can totally see myself running through the woods at super speed. How could I not? Vampires must think everything around them is so slow. Oh god, have I been slow all this time? So weird...I feel slow now actually. I laugh more. What a conundrum!

Wow, the sheets are so soft. I can't believe I never felt them before. He must have felt them when he sat here watching me sleep. Did he think about this and not tell me the whole time? That's so mean. His skin was sort of soft, I remember. Cold and sturdy, but running my fingers down his arms didn't feel rigid.

The edges of my sight are beginning to darken. I'm getting a bit scared. How long has this gone on? I don't feel like I can move much anymore.

I think I hear his watery voice call out to me, but I can discern the words.

I miss you, Edward. I laugh and cry at that.

The blackness swallows me.

 

 

 

 

 

When I wake up I feel dehydrated. Even my eyes feel like they're lacking moisture. I rub them until they're sore and feel halfway close to bleeding. I wonder how noticeable my high is, or rather the low now. But Charlie wouldn't assume that is what I've been doing for the first couple times, hopefully.

"You should not have done that," Edward scolds.

I roll my eyes at him, "Can't you say anything nice for once?"

His form continues to flicker in and out of existence. He can't even be clear with his image.

I sit up on my bed, suddenly feeling a renewed sense of determination and urgency, "We should work something out if you're going to stay here. Like be nice to each other for real. Don't you want that?"

Edward doesn't answer so I push myself off my bed and sprint to his position. I try desperately to grab onto his hand, but my own just cuts through the air rather pathetically. We both look down at the area. The mist that composes him swirls and dissipates.

"Right," I moan. "You're not real."

I run my fingers through the hair at my scalp and pace around the room. The floorboards creak underneath the pressure. My teeth clench together and I feel like I'm close to screaming. I will scream, I will. I'm going to yell until my lungs collapse and nothing is left…

"Bells?" Charlie knocks on the door. "You almost ready?"

I pause.

"Ready for what?" I open the door to look at him. He's dressed in casual clothing that looks to be decently washed. I internally cringe at the reminder that I haven't been doing laundry for us both as of late. Or cooking. Or anything still.

He sighs, "We're having pasta dinner at Billy's tonight. If you don't feel up to coming, that's fine. You do look like you've been crying."

I shake my head, "No, no, I'm fine."

Charlie raises his eyebrows and tilts his head at me. For a second I picture him finding out. Fear gathers in the pit of my stomach at how he might react. Send me back to Jacksonville without question, probably. Shit. I need to be more careful. I can't underestimate him.

"Really," I add.

"Alright, well, get ready in about ten minutes; don't want to be late."

He goes to close the door again for me, but pauses at the last second, "Jake will be looking forward to seeing you, you know."

Uncontrollably, my stomach sours a bit at the thought. I'm not up for Billy and Charlie's continued scheming to get me to date Jacob. Not when someone else still rules my mind.

I look behind my shoulder hoping to find Edward there and ready to support me, but there's nothing.

Nothing. That's what the real Edward Cullen left me with. No pictures I still tear my room up to wishfully find. No calls, no emails. Only vivid memories that slice me open when I'm too desperate for a reminder to care. Nothing but that pain, really.

I blink back the tears.

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie and I don't talk on the quick drive over. I ensured my appearance doesn't give away anything too suspicious, but I remember it'll hardly matter when everyone there knows my story. The anticipation of pity only frazzles my nerves further.

We close the car doors to his police cruiser and I wince upon realizing our car stands out amongst the rows of vehicles lined up outside. I find myself filled with the urge to fight in on the reservation. The thought of Sam Uley finding me a disgraced outsider leaves a sour impression in my mouth. I don't want others thinking the same.

"Bella!" Billy wheels himself out on his porch to greet us. "Gosh, you look even thinner than when I saw you last, kid. You sure your dad is feeding you?"

Normally I might crack I smile at that, but I form a thin line with my lips instead and look back up at Charlie. He rolls his eyes at Billy and barely acknowledges my own shame in the situation.

"You know my cooking ain't up to snuff, Black."

Billy laughs, "I do. Lucky we have Sue here preparing dinner for everyone. Come on, Bella. There's other kids your age you might like to meet."

We're about half a step inside when Jacob barrels down the entrance to wrap me in a tight hug. My feet are lifted off the ground for a second and my lungs lose a considerable amount of air. I just pat him on the back a few times as a response. When he sets me down he gives me the happiest smile I've seen in months and I can't help that my heart lurches at it. He's always been so optimistic and kind. So utterly undeserved to a person like me.

"I've missed you!" Jake laughs.

I look up at him and really notice his size. He seems to have grown another foot in time I last saw him. Since my birthday.

My skin grows cold at the thought, "Yeah, me too. Are you like on steroids or something?"

He just laughs more, "'Of course not. I just eat and work on cars for muscles. Hey, I've got some friends here tonight, actually. You'll love them."

Jake drags me to his couch where three teenage guys sit squished and battling over the remote. I vaguely pick up that the debate is over another sports game or a race car championship. They do look up at me and smile when I'm shoved in front of them at least.

"Embry and Quil are in my grade level. Little Seth here is just fourteen." Jacob rubs Seth's hair on the top of his head while the young kid lurches back and tries to fight him off.

Seth smooths his hair back down and gives me a grin, "Hi, Bella."

"Hey," I say.

I become instantly envious of all their long, black hair. The thickness and shine reminds me of the quality silk Renee would sometimes fawn over. Neither Charlie nor I possess any genes to rival what naturally occurs in the families here.

"Yo, it's Bella!" Embry laughs. "The girl you can't shut up about!"

Jake's cheeks turn red and he quickly hits Embry on the shoulder, "Quit it, man." He makes his warning apparent by pushing the words through clenched teeth but neither of the three take it seriously.

"It's true though," Quil says back. He looks up at me and gives me a nod of acknowledgement.

My shoulders are grabbed by Jake and spun around until I see a young woman sitting on a chair alone with her legs crossed. She's focusing only on the cellphone in her hands. Her right foot on the ground taps incessantly and shakes her whole body. Like everyone else, her face is beautiful and long hair frames her head and shoulders.

"And that's Leah. Seth's older sister. Way older and lamer than us. She probably won't talk the whole night," Jake chuckles.

Hearing her name, Leah looks up and rolls her eyes at the both of us. She doesn't spend a single second really looking at me, which I suddenly become thankful for. The less contact the better.

"Seth and Leah's mom is in the kitchen finishing up dinner. And their dad is probably outside with my old man and yours now, doing whatever it is old men do."

I can't help that I actually laugh for a bit at that. When I meet Jacob's eyes they're shining, despite the dark, sultry color. Some things, I hope, can prevail despite outward characteristics telling of another route. Not me though, I'm still doomed.

"Probably just talking about fishing or something," I grin for a second anyway.

An older woman walks out of the kitchen, rubbing her hands on her apron and then giving me a huge smile. Her hair is tied in a ponytail in the same way I did when I cooked to prevent mess from spreading over me.

"Don't I know it," she laughs. "Hi there, Bella. It's been so long since I've seen you! You probably don't remember me at all."

She envelops me in a warm hug, not unlike the one Jake gave me moments ago, though without the same teenage intensity. I find my arms wrapping around her briefly. I can feel her kindness radiate throughout me and like everything else before, I am not good enough to receive it.

I pull away from her and give a tight smile, "I think I actually do remember Harry? He might have stopped me from getting my fingers caught in fishing wire."

"'Course you remember that!" a tall Native man enters the house with Billy and Charlie following behind. "I was a lifesaver to you, Bella. You wouldn't stop crying for an hour after, still thinking your thumb was gonna turn blue and fall off!"

"Definitely saved me from Renee's wrath," Charlie mumbles and scratches the back of his head.

"Well, Sue, it sure smells good in here," Billy compliments.

"Lucky for you all, you get two options for dinner tonight," Sue smirks.

Jacob's eyes go wide and hungry, "There's different pastas?"

"Yep," she nods. "You can choose between regular spaghetti or cheesy penne."

The three boys on the couch all jump up and rush to sit around the table. Embry's voice cuts strongest through the chatter, "Like I could choose! I swear adults forget how hungry we actually get!"

I sit between my dad and Jacob. He gives me another wide smile and eye roll at his friends' antics. Sue swats their hands away from the giant tubs of pasta on the table. She rolls up the foil coverings and sticks giant serving spoons inside. Even though I honestly know how much work goes into making a large meal like this, my stomach shrivels at the thought of eating a lot. There's even garlic bread and a bowl of caesar salad.

"You should let our special guest serve herself first," Sue winks at me.

"Me?" I exclaim. "No, really, you shouldn't treat me any different."

"Come on, Bells," Jacob elbows me lightly. "It's been years since you've really been here. I think that calls for a celebration and special treatment at least."

My cheeks burn. I can only imagine how red I look. I brush my hair out of my face awkwardly as I decide what to say next.

"I guess I'll start with salad first then."

Sue happily hands me the crystal bowl equipped with equally fancy serving utensils. I hope she hasn't taken out her best china just for this occasion. She pivots to help Billy next, who is less able to reach across the table easily. I feel a twinge of sympathy for the man and his bad health. Not my story to ask about though.

"You better help yourself to some pasta quickly or those kids will take everything before you know it," Harry adds. "Even Leah is eating a lot these days. Didn't think growth spurts happen to girls over twenty."

"Dad!" she hisses. Then another eye roll. I feel the corner of my mouth tugging upwards at that.

The conversation flows easily between the people who've spent decades of their lives with each other. Even Charlie contributes without awkwardness as his closest friends sit nearby. Whenever someone asks me anything, typically about school, I keep the answer curt but moderately friendly. No one seems to complain about that. Jake does keep giving me side glances that I try and fail to ignore. My response to them is a small, distant smile.

Regardless, the passion and comfort between everyone here reminds me of the Cullens. Though obviously less enthused, they each knew each other substantially and perfected the ways of subtly testing each other's limits. I find myself missing Emmett and Jasper's constant betting. Even Rosalie's exasperated huffs.

I'm taken out of remembering by hearing Embry slam his fists down on the table. Hard.

"Absolutely not!" he shouts at the top of his lungs. It's honestly a bit frightening. Watching the shocked looks on everyone else's faces tells me I'm not the only one with that opinion. "I can't believe you would even think that," he hisses through his teeth with more venom than I've heard in ages. Maybe since dealing with James actually who had actual venom in his teeth.

The whole room goes silent.

He seems to recognize his outburst then. "I'm―I'm sorry." Embry hangs his head in shame and I draw a parallel between my own angry snaps at the people around me. Shame floods my body too. Though weed has certainly helped me, I'm not about to offer any to a sixteen-year-old.

I'm not even sure what they were arguing about, maybe something related to baseball teams? After some uncomfortable minutes of quiet conversation, the ruckus picks up again and I'm thankful for it. Sue decides to ease the tension further by serving dessert. A chocolate sheet cake.

A strange feeling comes over me, almost a scratching at the back of my night. I'm decidedly no longer hungry.

"Actually if you don't mind, I'd like to get some fresh air right now," I say as Sue gestures to hand me a slice.

Her lips form into an 'o' and she slowly withdraws her offer. I flinch at the noticeable disrespect I've just given. She's the last person here who deserves it. I'm about to change my mind and take back the cake when someone else speaks.

"That's fine, Bella. The porch is open," Billy says as he looks sideways at Harry. I take it they've talked plenty about how much of a mess I am.

I stand up and thank them with another tight smile. Both Charlie and Jake look at me with worried eyes and I almost sigh with the need to speak on my own well-being. Though I probably do deserve the moddle-coddling, it's still annoying,

"I'm fine, honestly. Don't worry."

The push through the cabin-like door marking the Black house immediately lifts a weight from my shoulders. The smell of the forest at night calms my frazzled nerves further. I move away from any windows and rest my back against a wooden wall. The stars twinkle and the leaves crunch in the winds. Somehow, the reservation is always more beautiful than Forks. I never contemplate why.

The budding urge to get high again still hits me. I try to shake my head to get out of it. No use. The need to relax desperately overtakes me. I fumble through my jacket pocket looking for a hit, something, anything. There's the pack of cigarettes I never finished in here. I pull out a single one and rub it between my fingers. I don't have a lighter anyway. The burn persists in the back of my throat.

A strange sound reaches me. Branches crackle underneath someone's feet. I squint out at the darkness looking for the source. It makes itself apparent soon enough.

The large body of Sam Uley pushes through the foliage. The moonlight reflects on his dark red skin. Almost...almost like a vampire in the sunlight...but entirely reserved...

"What are you doing here?" I ask. My voice is sharp, but I try to keep it unbothered.

He stays silent for a moment and then looks at the object in my hand. I hurriedly shove the cigarette back into my coat pocket and scowl at him.

"I hope you're not intending to use that here," Sam says monotonously.

I roll my eyes, "Of course not. My dad is inside."

We stare at each other in silence. The intensity of his gaze feels like he is asking me to be set on fire. I know very well how little he must think of me. And the incident where I hallucinated him accidentally stabbing his hand doesn't add to that opinion. I look away from his eyes and watch the forest floor. He doesn't seem to ever waver from staring me down, however. Anger begins to boil up inside me.

"You need to stay away from all drugs, Bella," he finally speaks again.

The thread holding me together snaps, "Or what? I already agreed to keep it off your land, what more do you want?"

"For you to be healthy," Sam says without a moment's thought. The honesty of his statement hits me off guard.

I groan, "That's not your business."

He breaks away from looking at me and settles his gaze to look deep within the forest as if he can see without any light shining on the area. Unsettling.

"And you shouldn't be out here alone. There are too many dangerous things in the woods."

I straighten myself and push off from the wall I'm leaning on, "Like what?"

Sam doesn't answer. I turn to see the door open and Jacob coming outside. When I look back at Sam's spot, he's gone. I shudder at the cold wind blowing through the area and wrap my arms around myself. Jake makes his way over to me and rests a hand on my shoulder. I fight the urge to knock him off.

"You doing okay, Bells?"

I nod, "Yeah. Totally."

We head back inside to finish the night. The shivers from my conversation with Sam never entirely leave me. I fight the instinct to imagine what dangers lurk outside. Not long ago I would have only just marked the red-eyed vampires on that list. Perhaps I should be adding the golden-eyed ones too.

When Charlie takes us home, I almost fall asleep with my head pressed against the window. He stirs me back to reality from a half-aware slumber when we reach the driveway.

"I hope you had some fun tonight, Bella," he says to me.

I nod without thinking much, "Definitely."

Maybe it's true. Some enjoyment exists buried underneath all the ongoing pain. I still dream of holding Edward's cold hand while he murmurs sweet-nothings to me as I drift off. I miss his kindness, his insistence upon being an early twentieth-century gentleman. The hallucination never gives me that same grace. But I won't argue that I'm ever deserving of it. I was left for a reason, after all. Unwanted. Most certainly never needed.

Yet, I'm too tired to let my eyes water anymore. The silence of midnight consumes me.

 

 

 

 

 

I keep dreaming of a pair of tortured eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

I still get high every day. The lack of an obvious scent from edibles is a really useful characteristic. I'm careful to use when Charlie is gone and I'm not at school. Nighttime is the best option currently. No one comments that I look tired or worn out. Probably because I already looked this way for a couple of months. That is useful too. Maybe too useful. The only person that does care I'm doing anything to myself is Sam, somehow. A rather strange thought. And the vision of Edward, of course.

"You won't recover from this," he warns.

"Stop it."

"You're an addict."

I laugh, "Hardly. I've just started."

"I don't like this version of you."

"Did you ever like me?" My voice is small. Weak like an abandoned child.

No answer. "Goddamnit. I can't go on like this. We-" I gesture to the space between us "-need to work something out."

A deep breath.

"We'll return to the place where it started, okay? If you can't find it in you to be nice, then maybe it's time to really say goodbye." The thought crushes me. Internally, I beg for him to choose me over being right. But Edward, real or not, never much listened to what I had to say.

I stash the rest of the cigarettes I have and the crappy lighter I bought at the rex gas station into my orange backpack. Plus a couple bottles of water couldn't hurt. I was going to hike to the meadow. Surely he would remember our love here. Staring into each others' eyes while the sun revealed his beauty even further, it has been the greatest experience of my life so far. I can't imagine anything getting better than that without him coming back. Which he won't. So keeping his form in my mind, appeased and brilliant like he once was, is my only shot.

He sits in my truck while I drive to the closest place I can before walking the rest of the way. He says nothing. The march up to the meadow is the same.

My heart squeezes in my chest. I reach my hand out to feel the brittle weeds about to snap with the upcoming winter weather. But they're not harsh enough to cut through flesh so I stop touching them. The pain between my ribs grows worse. I hold both hands to my heart and breathe through my nose.

Edward stands all the way across the field, fuzzy and about to disappear with the next gust of wind. Yet I can still see the glow of his gold eyes. Beautiful. Unattainable.

Stay with me, I beg. I'm about to say something out loud when I hear it. Then I sense the presence of something unnatural behind me. I whip around.

Laurent.

I exhale through my nose. At least I know him. He was kind to us when James attacked.

"Laurent?" I say. "What are you doing here?"

He laughs, the sound of bells. Much more dazzling than any invocations of my name might conjure up.

"I'm here on a favor. Tell me, Isabella, where are the Cullens?"

In an instant he's twenty feet closer to me, bright red eyes staring at me like a prize. Oh. No. Edward's figure also approaches me, whispering down my neck. Lie.

"On vacation," the lie passes harshly through my lips. "But they'll be back soon."

Laurent is closer again. Only mere feet away. I steady myself and try not to shake in front of him. I can feel what he wants. I know it in my bones. Am I destined to die here, now?

Lie better.

"They visit all the time," I add. "They wouldn't be happy knowing you've found me out here."

He makes a tsking noise and reaches his fingers to tilt my chin upwards. Ice cold. I can't help the shivers that come. He must know I don't tell the truth.

"I don't believe you. In fact, it seems they've been gone for quite a while now. Unfortunate, since you smell just so mouthwatering."

I don't have anything to say to that. I'm breathing harshly. My bodyweight becomes unable to move at all.

"Please…" I beg.

Laurent laughs again and presses his nose close to my throat to inhale my scent. When he pulls back, his eyes are even wilder than before. I am going to die here, I'm certain of it.

"Oh, Bella, believe me, it is much better this way. Victoria is planning to kill you, slowly. A mate for a mate, you see. But this way, you die much quicker. Won't even feel it." Laurent's honey voice cements my feet to the ground and I lean back away from him as much as I can. It's not nearly far enough.

Didn't I want this? To just die?

No, no, not like this.

"No," I beg harder. "Please, don't."

He brushes my hair away from the right side of my neck. The wind battles against his movement but he's too strong and the hand on my head is rough and immobile. I can't escape his grasp.

I laugh bitterly and find Edward in the corner of my eye. He looks at me with nothing but pity. I wouldn't be in this position now if he changed me earlier. We could have been happy and free. Wild in the forest together. Are you happy now? I sneer at him in my mind. Maybe this is what you wanted all along.

I shake more.

"Hm, I would have thought you meant a great deal to them. Suppose not if they left you so unprotected. Not a very good pet, Isabella," he taunts. No, not good at all.

His intended final words for me are a sweet whisper, "Close your eyes. It will be over before you know it."

I close my eyes.

But death doesn't come. Instead, the sound of snarls and barking make their way into my eardrums. It's enough to wake me up to move a step back from Laurent's grasp. Just a moment, but not enough.

He turns around at the figures before I can blink. "I don't believe it!"

Three giant wolves emerge from the scenery. Bigger than any I've ever seen before. My knees buckle. They're here to kill me too, huh? Something about the scent of fear being attractive…

I'm nauseous and unsteady, but surprisingly, Laurent abandons his original goal with me and stands in a defensive position instead. It's enough of an invitation for the three wolves to run towards him. I freeze watching what is unfolding before me.

The solid black one is the first to reach Laurent, but with a flick of his arm, the wolf is shoved across the field without threatening the vampire at all. He scrambles back to his feet and bears his teeth as the other two grayer wolves run after Laurent into the woods.

The black wolf looks past the trees, but then turns to stare at me dead in the eye. Haunting, unhinged. A completely feral, animalistic look.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

It only lasts a moment, he's gone. All three wolves are gone and Laurent too. Any fight they're having taken elsewhere.

I look around for a few seconds, panicking and believing their return is imminent. Is it not? Have I gotten away with my life so easily? Edward is gone and offers me no explanation. What is happening here? The edges of my vision blur further. I can't live, I can't. I don't deserve to escape. They all believe I deserve to die, they must. Or else why would they have left me?

I empty the entire contents of my stomach onto the ground.

Notes:

Yay, some plotty stuff happening! Also, feelings go grrrrrrr...Don't think I have much more to say lol

Chapter 7: Sam Part Four

Summary:

"A screaming comes across the sky." ― Thomas Pynchon

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"It's here," I hiss through our mental link.

We've been waiting for a month when the creature would finally make its entrance known. Tracking the reports of slaughtered hikers a hundred miles away told me that someone was circling our area. I begged Billy to casually suggest to Charlie that telling Bella any of this would be a bad idea for her mental health. It wasn't a hard sell on Billy's part. Still, I couldn't hold back from warning her.

None of that matters now, however. It's here and with the same sensation tingling on my neck, I know Bella is in the area too.

There's panic, regret, and absolute terror coursing through me. I yell at Jared and Paul to go faster. This is the most wild I've ever been before. I run on nothing by instinct to protect her and kill it. My life is reduced to nothing else and I don't feel a sliver of shame at that. Destiny and rage are all that's left of me.

Paul and Jared are caught in a frenzy too. Though theirs is nothing like mine. Kim's life isn't threatened, only Bella's. My Bella. The thought of every second bringing her closer to death only compels me to push my legs farther.

My muscles tear at the exertion and then stitch themselves back together. I hardly notice or care. Foam begins to pour out of my mouth and I shake my snout back and forth a few times to rid myself of it. I will not look entirely rabid when dealing with the bastard. Though whoever the fuck he is, he must know that touching a human, touching her at all, will only lead to a painful death.

"He's dead!" Paul snarls.

"I'll tear him to fucking shreds," Jared agrees, biting the air.

I echo their sentiments without forming a coherent thought. All of my emotions center on the hunt and the need to defend.

We're still miles away. Too fucking far when I can feel the fear roll-off in waves from Bella. She's drowning in it.

I will protect you. I swear it to all the gods who govern our lands. I will make it in time.

I run until Bella's whimpers transform into my own. My head is filled with nothing but the urge to stop them.

"Please," I hear her whisper as we get closer.

I growl into the void around me as everything disappears but the path to get to her. The leech is beyond dead. Deader than whenever he first time. I'll ensure he's the type of dead that doesn't get to rise from a grave again. I'll slaughter this creature for believing he can have her.

Paul and Jared yip at my heels. We've made it. I give the order to slow down. We'll try to intimidate him by coming through the trees. That way he knows very clearly that making any further move on Bella is unacceptable.

"No, please don't," she cries further.

I bear my teeth the furthest I've ever shown them.

The bullshit he speaks to her next barely deserves repeating. I won't let it register for a second. It's time to show ourselves.

The black-skinned bloodsucker whips around to see us march forward. Our battle stance perfected after months of training. He won't win this.

"I don't believe it!"

You better or else you'll be dead even faster. Not that I have a single issue with that.

I smell Bella's fear skyrocket. It's the reaction I anticipated but for a moment it still pierces my chest. I close off that side of me as we march towards the bastard.

He contorts his body in a way that shows he's ready to fight. Fine, fucker, so am I.

I run.

My anger gets the best of me. I'm hit across the field by the leech. I tumble onto the ground but get back up on my four legs as fast as possible. Paul and Jared chase the bastard deep into the woods away from Bella. I snarl at his movements, but I can't move.

Not until I look at her.

Her hair shines with red highlights and there's only a look of absolute horror on her face. I soften my expression but it's no use. She's still terrified, but still so unbelievably gorgeous. Her army-green jacket holds her tight but I feel her chill at the lack of protective clothing. She shouldn't be out here so close to winter. Well, there's a plethora of reasons she really shouldn't be out here. The leech just chased into the forest is the main one.

I realign my stance and take off after him, hurting once again to leave Bella. This is for her safety, for the defense of her life, I tell myself. And I really, really want to kill that vampire.

I catch up to Jared and Paul quickly. They're on his heels but they lack a plan on how to corner him well enough to go for the kill. If he angles it right, he'll probably hit another one of us back. Yet if I'm assessing the situation correctly, that'll be his only option unless he can traverse a piece of land we can't. I think of the cliffs and the water below. Shit. We need to get this over with soon before he heads in that direction.

"Jared, go left and position yourself from above. Paul, right and down. Don't launch until my signal," I order. I leave myself center and chest level against him. There's no way the leech can defend from six attack points simultaneously. They agree without hesitation.

When they split off, he looks widely around with his red eyes and puts in extra effort to run faster. I admit he's not slow at all. Hopefully, his panic is coming from the realization that we're about to close in. Without telling Jared or Paul, I know it's likely he'll probably hit one of us, but the other two will be waiting to use that moment to bite down. I don't tell my younglings this or else it may affect their fever going forward. Well, war never happens without injuries anyway. But we heal fast, we can handle it.

Just need to close another ten meters of distance.

"Let's go," I demand. We're almost in range.

We make it.

"NOW."

The red-eyed demon explodes in fear. He moves to do the same arm whip that he did against me minutes ago. But now I'm smart enough to predict it. Jared isn't in the vicinity to be hit by his tornado move and I doge easily. Paul is the unlucky one who gets launched fifty meters into a tree. He yelps on impact and then snarls to rejoin.

But the bastard's met his end. My teeth rip off his right arm while Jared tackles him onto the forest floor. The first obvious feeling I notice is the taste of putrid ash in my teeth. The damage on him looks like broken stone. The stump of his arm is a ragged piece of stone.

He clutches the stump in shock. The scream I hear is entirely inhumane. And I know a bit about that. Yet this is completely different. It's the screeching of a soulless devil. If I were in my human form, I'd cover my ears.

Paul reaches us and with Jared, we tackle the bastard again. He fights, but without his good hand, we're going to make quick disposal of him.

The taste of vampire still on my teeth disgusts my tongue. Yet for what he's said to Bella, I'm hungry for more.

I bite straight into his torso and rip off a chunk of crystal flesh. I toss it into the wilderness because I'm not done, not even close. Paul and Jared are just getting started.

Admittedly, we torture the bastard for many moments longer than what would be deemed appropriate. I hardly care. Bella's petrified face in being so close to death ensures this is a fitting end for him.

He screams until he chokes. By now all of his limbs have been ripped off. There's only one thing left to remove.

"Hold down what remains of his torso," I say.

Paul and Jared step on him and growl into his face. The expression in those ungodly crimson eyes allows me to realize he knows what's coming to him now. Good.

I bite his goddamn head off.

Relief courses through me immediately. I can feel the same from Paul and Jared in our mind link. Maybe it would feel just a tad better if I didn't get some strands of dreadlocks in my hair, however.

I do allow us to relish the moment. But we need to light him up or else the tales of reanimation may be another thing I learn to be true. And I'm not really keen on seeing if it is.

"Paul, go get a lighter. Jared, phase back with me and we'll gather the pieces into a pyre."

We scamper off to a stash of clothes nearby and quickly put them on. We're all beyond modesty in changing in front of each other now. I wonder if this is how cavemen felt thousands of years ago. I'm not sure I like being reduced to just that state of nature though.

I don't say anything while we work. The pieces of dead vampire feel like the cold stone they are. They might be difficult for mere humans to lift, but we handle it just fine. I kick pieces of him into the center we designated. Somehow despite the success in taking him down, my mood grows sour. Of course, Jared notices.

"She's going to be alright now, you know," he says. His voice teeters on the edge of apprehension. I haven't reacted well to his mentions of her before. It drives me a bit crazy that he still mentions her after everything. Maybe his bond with Kim is somehow making him do it.

I shake my head, "Maybe."

"What was she doing out there anyway?"

"Testing my patience," I grumble.

Paul's footsteps can be heard marching back to us. I look at him over my shoulder. Smug as usual and he didn't even perform the killing bite.

"The leech lover should really thank you, Sam," Paul laughs.

"Don't call her that," I hit back harshly.

I can see in his eyes that he doesn't care. Fuck. Maybe if I wasn't so worn out, I'd press the issue, but I'm not in the mood for dealing with Paul's antics. It'll have to rest for now. He will eventually need to show more respect to the imprints. Thinking on it, I wonder if he is jealous that he is the only one without one. Well, it's been a curse for me so far so I'll be pissed if that's the case.

We light the funeral pyre for the dark-skinned vampire. None of us have anything nice to say for him though we stand around to watch, mesmerized.

"Good riddance," Jared chuckles when we notice how easily the corpse goes up in flames.

"I'll see you in hell," Paul says.

I ignore them, "We need to report this to the elders now. They will give us guidance on how to prepare going forward."

Paul rolls his eyes, "What do a bunch of old people know? They don't have to phase and do the actual fighting."

For his part, Jared also chooses not to engage. "Do you think he was the last of them?" he asks.

I swallow, "I am not sure. For all of our sakes, I hope so."

The elders offer no advice on the matter either. They speak of holding a ceremony to ask the forest gods to give us more luck. I try to push back the inkling that we'll be needing it. At the least, Harry and Billy are proud of us. They clap us on the back and reaffirm our chosen status. The praise is easy to brush off when my mind won't stop thinking about her.

After the council is done celebrating our victory, I linger around Billy for a bit longer.

He looks up at me with wary eyes, "Embry Call's still gonna need you, Sam."

"I know. It's too late to stop his transition."

The pain of another boy sentenced to a lonely life doesn't hit me as harshly as it did with either Paul or Jared. Perhaps, I think bitterly, I'm too used to it by now.

"He will need you even more than the others because he does not have a father to turn to," Billy continues.

I nod. I'm well aware of Embry's history. His mother's choice to keep the identity of his father secret has long been a thing of speculation for the rez. In truth, my own father may very well be the culprit. This would make Embry more than just a pack brother. He could be a real one. And I don't even know how to approach him about it.

"I'll be there for him," I say anyway.

Tiffany Call has also been thought to be 'not-quite-there." After openly proclaiming her son to be named after a soap opera star, she certainly gave people more reasons to wonder. The gossip around him always struck me as unfair. Suppose that's nothing compared to involuntarily turning into a giant wolf.

"And Bella?" Billy raises an eye at me.

He ensured I knew when she and Charlie would be visiting his house for dinner. And he damn well knew I wouldn't be able to resist coming to see her. Billy made sure I knew about Bella's pull to go outside when she felt my presence. Knowing the bond might work both ways only makes me feel worse. I suffer enough going too long without seeing her. To think she feels anything similar hurts worse.

I press my eyes shut for a second, "Yes."

A few more weeks go by. The reports of dead hikers have stopped. But I hold my breath every day for the news to return and more lives to be taken, both victims and Quilette boys.

It's another night where I can't sleep. I really need to take advantage of any hour that I can. Guiding Paul and Jared while watching Embry leaves me little time for anything else. I try to focus on strategizing the ways I can put more into the construction business part-time. Of course, when my mind wanders there's only one place it really goes.

I'm about to fall asleep when I feel her. It stirs me awake enough to ask if it's real or another dream of desperation.

Each individual hair stands up on my neck. I sit up in my bed immediately as a thin veil of sweat forms.

It's real. She's on the reservation land and something feels very off.

Fortunately, not as off as what her being around a vampire did, but off enough for me to put on my jeans and jacket and get out of bed. I even wear shoes to follow her trek in the early night. I can sense this is probably about drugs. It's always going to be about drugs with her now.

The December chill would cut into my bones if it weren't for the constant heat coming from within me. But I only think of her and how she doesn't have the same protection. I walk faster.

It's a little disturbing how I involuntarily smell the air around me for her scent. It's some sort of mix of strawberries, pine needles, and fresh rain. Ultimately indescribable. But perfect, like every other facet of her already. I conjure fantasies of pressing my nose into her hair and holding her while we stand on the beach.

But an evil thought strikes down the picture-perfect ending I dream of. Edward Cullen undoubtedly loved her smell too. The only difference is that he most certainly had to hold himself back from not devouring her completely. God, I fucking wonder how she trusted him to be around her at all.

There she is. Holding herself as she shivers, the air giving away her ragged breaths. She kicks her red truck in anger, but not enough to really hurt her foot. I narrow my eyes at the scene. A flat tire? Has she been driving while high? If so, she's real goddamn lucky only a tire was hurt.

She notices me before I anticipate she would.

"You again?" She sounds exasperated, yes, but maybe there's just a hint of being impressed in her tone as well.

I clear my throat and keep walking towards her, "Do you have a spare?"

She shrugs, huffs, and refuses to meet my eyes.

When I'm in range, she finally does turn to look at me with a completely pissed-off expression on her pretty face. Yep, she's definitely high. Much more than I've seen her yet.

"What are you doing out here at night, Bella?"

"Fuck off."

Simple and straight to the point, I see.

I sigh, "What are you on?"

"Nothing."

A lie.

I look down at her tire and see she's driven over something pointy. I reach down and pull a nail out. Common enough for the rez, but I suppose no one has told her that. Maybe I ought to if she's compelled to come here so often.

When I look back up at her, she's shivering even worse. It looks like she's been crying. Her whole face is red and puffy. She can't focus her attention on a single thing for longer than two seconds. Something seems very wrong.

"Are you okay?"

She laughs bitterly, "Like it matters to you."

"I promise it does. Tell me."

Bella considers it for a moment: "Xanax."

"What?"

She looks away from me again.

"Are you serious?" I growl.

Another shrug, "I needed something stronger."

I march up to only a foot away from her and keep myself as calm as possible while being firm. She looks back at me with dilated pupils and rapid breathing. "You do not need something stronger. You don't need any chemicals at all, you hear me?"

Bella shakes her head and then sticks a finger in my chest. The first willing contact on her end. My heart wants to leap at it while my mind silently rages.

"You would," she says. "If they were after you."

Oh.

Of course.

I should have seen this coming. I curse myself in my head. She's terrified still. She believes the leech is still out there and after her. And I can do little to confirm that isn't the case. Fuck.

"No," I try slowly and put a hand on her shoulder, "nothing's after you."

Another sad laugh escapes from her lips. Almost like she's gagging on her own spit. "Yeah. Said so and all." She laughs to cover the sob escaping from her. "I'm going to be killed."

I take my jacket off and wrap it around her shoulders. She looks up at me with apprehension, but I hold the fabric onto her so she can absorb some of my lingering body warmth within it. The shivers don't stop though.

"I won't let that happen," I tell her. I look deep into her eyes begging that she forgives me. "I promise. So you don't need drugs, okay? Nothing is gonna happen to you."

Bella hiccups, "They said it would help."

"Who?"

"The guys at the house. When I wanted stronger weed," she laughs at that. "I told them I've got bad anxiety. Eric told me that too."

I raise an eyebrow, "So they gave you Xanax, seriously?"

She nods, "Yup. And they were like 'we can help you with that' and I thought that was super cool. They're like old, but still cool. Like the Cullens."

Her mention of their name makes me angry but I breathe through my nose and hold her when she sways back and forth. She's in absolutely no condition to drive even if her tire wasn't flat.

"Drug dealers are very dangerous, Bella. You should know that," I lecture.

"I do!" she cries. "But it doesn't matter. I'll just die anyway!"

I wrap an arm around her shoulder and turn her away from her car, "Alright, I'm going to take you back to my house. It's not far from here and you'll be a lot safer than out here. Is that alright?"

She nods, "But don't tell Charlie."

"I won't."

We walk slowly because I'm too afraid that if I let go, she'll fall to the ground and won't want to stand up again. The feeling of her beside me soothes the aches inside just a bit. Enough to never want to let go. Enough to be addicted for life. That's what it is, right? I'm in this for life.

When we're in the vicinity of my house, I begin to remember the first night I saw her, held her, walked her back to her house. It feels like forever ago and yesterday all the same. It's not even a memory for her.

"Stop, stop, stop!" She yells. I freeze. She looks out into the darkness with wild eyes.

"She's-" she doesn't continue because she doubles over and cups a hand to her mouth. Too late, she's puking on the ground. A considerable amount.

Something about the vows 'in sickness and in health' ring a bit hollow right now.

I realize in a matter of seconds that she's also been drinking. It's a pungent smell while she's still doubled over. I sigh and move to gather her hair away from her face as she wretches onto the dirt. Focusing on her soft locks on my fingers, I look at the half-moon in the sky instead. It would have been a rather nice night.

She tries to stand back up but wobbles considerably. I hold onto her and steady her posture.

"How much did you drink?" I ask.

"Enough."

Then I remember something I heard a while ago. The realization of it fills me with immediate rage.

"Did those guys tell you to drink too?" I seethe at her.

She looks up at me in shock.

"Because mixing two sedatives is incredibly dangerous, Bella. You can overdose and die. Do you want that?"

Bella shakes her head as if the information is new to her.

"Fuck!" I swear into the forest void. "How could you be so stupid!"

Anger flashes across her features and she pivots away from me, "It doesn't matter!"

"Yes, it fucking does!" I shout. "You'll ruin your life like this."

Something in her snaps. I see it through all the drug and alcohol-induced stupor she's gotten herself into. The anger she radiates resembles the same kind I felt when I first phased, the anger that lurks beneath Paul all the time, and the anger that takes all of the pack members further away from humanity. She loses a piece of her soul at this moment.

"My life is already ruined! I had the one thing I wanted most ripped away from me! As if you know what it's like to be told you aren't good enough!" she yells at me, nearly tripping over the rocks on the ground.

"You think I haven't been told that!" I rage back. "I feel it every day!"

She shakes her head the hardest I've seen her do yet, "No! No! I was going to be fucking perfect! Perfect like them."

I stand back in shock.

She hiccups more while the tears stream down her face, "And, and now I can't be! Ever! They left because I don't deserve it! He didn't love me. No one does."

Bella sobs uncontrollably now. I don't move. I watch her shake in anger, in sadness. I watch because the news of her revelation hasn't fully sunk in yet. How could anyone want...how could she have thought that's all her life meant? To be a monster? Like me.

I swallow the rock in my throat, "No. None of that is true. You are-you're fine the way you are."

She doesn't look up at me as she huddles herself underneath my jacket and cries into the collar. I want to hold her in my arms now. I stand rigid away from her until she composes herself.

"Let me take you into my house, okay?"

"Okay," she whispers. She rubs at her eyes.

I want to hold her hand and walk with her, but I gesture instead to indicate she can walk first. She's a bit more stable now since crying, but I follow closely to look for any signs of a sudden change. When we do reach the door, I look at her to see if she's changed her mind about coming inside. But Bella's face tells me she's too worn out to argue with a shelter presented before her. I hope she knows I wouldn't do anything to her, ever. At the same time, I worry about her lack of apprehension in going into a single male's home. Maybe she's too high to really think about it.

When we're inside she barely takes a moment to look around. To be honest, I'm grateful that she isn't scrutinizing my taste in decor. I can't measure up to the wealth of the Cullens. She finds the beat-up leather couch I own and sits down, silently crying once more.

I'm overwhelmed with the need to comfort her. I walk into the kitchen and curse that I've only got rough paper towels to offer as a tissue. Hopefully, she'll appreciate it anyway.

I sit on the couch next to her, letting our knees touch. She doesn't pull away. It soothes something repressed deep inside of me. I push down the instinct to press my entire body against her. She needs someone who will listen now, not ignore her needs with their own. But I'm just brave enough to scoot closer and instigate more compassionate contact.

"Bella," I say. I brush a piece of hair behind her ear and so very gently cup her face. It's wrong, taking advantage of the opportunity to touch her like this when she's drunk or high or whatever. But every cell in my body is screaming at me that this is right. She deserves to be comforted: "You're okay."

She shakes her head and then so softly it might not be real, leans into my hand. My body ignites.

"I'm going to die," she whispers.

"Everyone is," I counter. Even the bloodsuckers we can't kill. When the sun supernovas they won't make it either. I remember learning that in a college science class. But I refrain from telling her this. "What matters is making the best of life now."

It does feel hypocritical to suggest this to her, especially when I don't ever seem to take this advice, but at the very least I do know it to be true. Maybe with her, maybe, I could feel okay again. But not when she isn't okay. And she definitely isn't now.

"We should get you into bed," I sigh, not wishing to break contact with her. But she's in no state of mind to continue bantering with me.

"Mmm," is all she says back. She closes her eyes and rocks back and forth.

"I'll take care of your car and your dad," I add.

Bella says nothing to this, but her tears stop for the time being.

"You'll have the bed tonight, okay?"

She does nod a bit. I help her stand up and again wrap an arm around her shoulders so that she's steady enough to walk up the stairs. She feels warm and soft to me. Like a home I never thought I had before this moment. All I want to do is surround myself with it. Her needs come first, however.

It's easy to lay her down on the bed I spend every night tossing in. I hope it's comfortable enough for her, but I doubt she's cognizant enough to complain. I roll up the covers and move her into place before putting them back on top of her. She moans so slightly at my efforts. The sound goes straight through my body. I tuck it away in the back of my mind where it will undoubtedly surface again when I'm alone showering.

I know I linger too long looking at her face. It was not the face I imagined I would be so caught up about. For a long time, I dreamed about staring at Leah's face for the rest of my life. Then maybe Emily. It still hurts having those futures taken, but for the first time, I feel as if it was the right move to break it off with them anyway. None of us were ever fully happy with each other. I still feel the guilt of causing them pain, and certainly, the method by which it had to be done, but I can't regret realizing they weren't the one for me. I still don't know why she is. The Gods or the Universe haven't revealed that yet. However, as I listen to her breathing mellow out while wrapped up in my bed, I find I might be able to wait to learn why it is we are destined. If that will ever come.

"Good night, Bella," I whisper. My imprint, I finish in my mind.

Notes:

I finished this sooner than I expected, so enjoy! But lol this chapter is only like two scenes XD

Chapter 8: Bella Part Four

Summary:

“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?” ― Albert Camus

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

My head is killing me. The morning light coming through the openings of the curtained window fries my brain further. A million little pin-pricks against my skull.

I groan and move to grab a pillow to cover myself with.

I stop.

This is not my room.

Despite the pain, my eyes shoot open and I look around. My breath and heart rate pick up considerably. The room is cabin-like. Wood paneling and antique decor. I half expect a mounted elk head to be around here somewhere. There's a painting of a forest on the wall. It's unlike any room I've been in before.

Sam.

His name appears at the top of my mind. Oh god. He found me on the side of the road completely wasted, didn't he? Shame burns my cheeks and stomach. I feel sick. I might need a bathroom.

I move my hand around on the bed. It's really soft. The pillows are better than what I have. I see a feather sticking out from one of them. I pull it through the fabric and turn it around in my fingers, over and over again. The bristles feel so silky against my skin. Something, something I'm not thinking of….

"This is dangerous," Edward's honeyed voice cuts through. "You need to get out of here now."

I nod.

My legs move to the side and I push myself up. Instantly, I can feel myself wobble and bile rise to my throat. I groan in pain and with a hand to my forehead, walk out.

Even the hallways here are decorated in a wilderness theme. It's surprisingly homely, but I've got no time to think about that.

My stumbling around in pain and confusion must be loud because I hear footsteps going up the stairs and I realize with a sigh who is about to join me.

Sam looks at me with a frown, "I expected you to sleep for longer."

I can't focus on him, or anything really, too closely. The edges of everything blur into each other. He must look at me funny when I squint at him like this. I try to keep my temper cool enough.

"Charlie," I make out. Wow, speaking was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Sam touches my arm apprehensively and helps me walk to the stairs, where I grab onto the railing. "Billy called him to say you got a flat and spent the night at his place."

His grip tightens as I move slowly down each step. I realize he's not going to let me fall so without conscious thought, I relax into his hold ever-so-slightly.

"Bella," Edward pleads in my ear. "He's not safe."

Oh, shove it, will you?

"So you told him!" I cry rather pathetically at Sam.

He purses his lips, "With as little details as possible."

A few more steps to go. I should probably not yell at the man while he's still helping me down. My head is only getting worse the longer each ray of light hits me in the eye.

"He's going to tell my dad!" I press on.

"Billy can keep a secret," Sam sighs.

I shake my head, "He gossips like a middle-aged soccer mom with my dad. I know what they say about Jacob and me."

Sam's fingers tighten around my arm.

"Ow!"

He relaxes immediately, "Sorry. But my point is, Billy is better at hiding things than you might expect. As long as your behavior doesn't worsen, he won't tell your dad."

I roll my eyes. Worsening behavior. Like I'm still in elementary school. The thought stirs up the memories of me in fourth grade kicking my feet on a desk while I wait for the parent-teacher conference to be over. Renee and Mrs. Zwiggler finally pushing through those doors with big smiles on their faces. Only Renee's expression looking glassed over, probably how mine does now.

"And my truck?" I change the subject and try to keep my voice light.

"I changed the tire with a spare Billy had. Good as new."

I let a breath out of my nose. I do really like my truck. The steering wheel is large which makes turning a lot less sharp and the gas pedal doesn't accelerate faster than it should. It may be beat-up and hopefully not on its last leg, but it functions better than a Volvo guaranteed to send me through the windshield if I wasn't vigilant about keeping my seat belt on. I give Edward's hallucination a brief mean stare for that.

We reach the front door. I pause with my hand on the knob.

"Well, thank you," I say. I don't quite meet his eyes. "I suppose I should leave now."

Sam shakes his head, "Uh uh. I don't believe you are anywhere near stable enough to drive. I'll take you home."

"What?" I falter. "You can't be serious."

"I am. Let's go."

I huff with frustration and fling his house door right open only to be met with a thousand more blinding rays of sunlight. Crap. Maybe he does have a point.

I look back up at him with my eyes half-open. "Come on. I've already got the key," he adds.

"How are you going to get back?" I ask as I feel around while walking until we reach the truck. I pull the handle and slide myself in.

He just shrugs as he joins me on the driver's side, "I'll just walk."

"Fifteen miles?"

"I've got time."

Sam starts the engine and drives my truck like he's been doing so for the past eight years. I almost huff in annoyance at that. Of course, he has to be better than me with this too. Really the only person with the touch of Midas for my truck should be Jake. Maybe all the rez boys are gifted, god.

But he's different from the others. I don't dare to ask why he has cropped hair or a tribal tattoo, it's not really any of my business. Just a persistent nagging feeling that he might feel better than everyone else. Or at least separate from the crowd.

He drives us in silence and I'm surprisingly not irked by the need to chatter awkwardly. Just like with Charlie, we aren't pressed to continue idle conversation. There may be things I want to ask Sam, namely once again the 'who the hell do you think you are' bit, but the sickness from being hungover prevents any real consideration of going down that route. I grip the door handle to steady myself each time we hit a bump. He looks over at me, probably to ensure I'm not about to throw up again.

The memories from last night are still hazy, but I remember puking somewhere. Ugh, super attractive, Bella.

I look up at him through my lashes when we reach the driveway. I wonder if he can tell the shame burning through my body.

"Thanks," I mumble, not really holding it together enough to keep looking at him. I open the truck door and attempt to slide out.

He grabs my wrist and tugs me back for a second, "Wait."

I'm made to look at Sam's chiseled face and feel inadequate in his presence once again. The light hits him just right and he glows like a bronzed statue. Even the way he looks at me makes me feel like he's from another world. Just like Edward once did.

"I want you to take my number in case you're in trouble again," he says. "It's a landline so texting won't work. But if you leave a message, I'll get back to you, I promise."

His eyes shine as he's telling me this. I can't help but believe he means the truth.

"Alright," I saw. I take the truck key with the piece of paper wrapped around it. He gets out of my truck and closes the door.

I walk up to my house wordlessly, but as I'm about to go inside with the urging of Edward's ghostly cues, I look back. Sam has started walking wherever himself, but he too turns back to look at me from over his shoulder. I shudder and go inside.

 

 

 

 

 

The shakes hit me hours later when I wake up again. I'm freezing like I once felt whenever I had any prolonged contact with Edward. This time it covers my whole body and I spasm through the hypothermia. Even my diaphragm shudders with every breath.

I moan and cough and pull the covers up to my chin.

"Look at what you've done," Fake Edward scolds.

There's no answer I can give him.

"You're dying."

"Hopefully," I respond.

I roll over to the side he's not on and pray he won't say anything else. He doesn't. Only sighs in the way a disappointed parent might. It's a damn good impression of how the Real Edward sounded. I would have done anything to earn his approval again.

I only grow colder and cough more.

Charlie knocks on my door after hours of me being like this. It jolts me awake as I can't comprehend what day or hour it is to know whether or not he should be at the station. I must sound pretty bad if he's checking on me. My mind works too slowly to formulate a good excuse.

"Bella?" he calls out.

"Yeah?" My voice is weak and hoarse. Have I been crying?

He opens my bedroom door and peaks in to look at me. I pull my covers up even higher and try to blink rapidly so he can't see if my eyes give anything away about my substance use. It's a dumb plan.

"Are you sick?" he asks.

I nod, maybe add a cough for good measure.

"Shoot," he mutters. "Suppose we can talk later then."

I nod once more as he closes the door slowly. The darkness seeps back in.

 

 

 

 

 

And I'm alone again. Struggling to keep my head above the water. The distorted murmurs of Edward Cullen continue to curse me down to hell.

 

 

 

 

 

Days later, I'm outside examining my truck. It's taken me a bit to admit it was careless to drive high and drunk through La Push. There could be a thousand tiny scratches I've caused.

The metal is cool on my hand. Winter is all around us now. For many moments I imagine my truck to be the temperature of vampire skin. My fingers glide back and forth as I remember brushing them against Edward's arms. He'd smile down at me like I was barely a fly landing on his flesh.

"You look tired," Charlie's voice wakes me up from my daydream.

I squint my eyes at him, "Yeah. Guess so."

He sighs deeply and brings a hand to the back of his head. Uh oh. This is the cue that he's struggling to say something to me. My cheeks naturally flush.

"Look, Bells, you don't seem to be getting any better here," he notes. "I think maybe you should consider going back to your mom after all."

"What? No. Definitely not," I shake my head. "I'm doing fine, really."

He raises an eyebrow at me, "You don't talk to anyone, Bella."

"But we just saw everyone at Billy's house," I argue.

"You've cut off your friends from school," he sighs again. He moves closer to my truck and looks at it suspiciously enough. I swallow with the anticipation that he knows more happened than just randomly getting a flat tire like Sam told others.

I still press on against Charlie's words, "I was actually just going to ask Jessica to see if she could hang out soon. Maybe catch a movie or go shopping."

A lie, but I'll follow through on it if I don't have to leave Forks. I'll do just about anything.

Charlie doesn't look like he entirely buys my story, but he nods, giving me that inch of wiggle room I can use to prove myself as a better daughter. The desperation of wanting nothing more floods my veins. Well, nothing more than what I've already wanted these past couple of months.

The ghost of Edward Cullen smiles slightly at me, the first hint of praise coming from the damaged god. But it's too late for that to be anything but ice around my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

"You know," Jessica says as we walk out of the theater, "I didn't even think you liked me."

"Of course I do," I immediately say.

She pauses on the sidewalk and looks at me with a 'knowing' look in her eye. My shoulders droop and I break away from looking at her. The night is cold enough that I see my breath forming in front of me. The thought of it being cold outside only makes me colder. I cross my arms against my stomach tighter.

"Yeah. Okay," she laughs.

We resume walking.

I gather up some courage, "So did you like the movie?"

She gives me another look with her eyebrow raised, "Sure. Killed some time for the night."

"Right," I swallow.

There are other teenagers and kids pushing their way past us on the pavement. I'm hit in the shoulders a few times and I recoil from each point of contact. Jessica knows how to move her body with ease and avoids all incoming strangers with only a few twists. A pity of envy grows in my stomach. Maybe for once, I have to admit, she was smarter to avoid the Cullens.

But she's good at talking and I've just given her an opening to do so. She bites even if she knows that's what I was aiming for.

"I'm not the greatest fan of zombies, they're like, whatever. But horror movies as a whole are kind of great. Angela's parents would never let her see anything remotely close to being rated R. So thanks for the invite and letting me pick, I guess."

I nod.

There's a group of men on motorcycles hollering at each other twenty feet down. They're loud and disruptive. My heart rate picks up thinking about passing them.

Jessica huffs at me, "Did you like the movie?"

I get the distinct impression she's only asking to fill another role in the conversation.

"Yep, totally," I answer. I can't name a single scene that happened in it actually. But I doubt she cares.

Jessica ignores my lack of a real answer, "Well, at least watching Matt Damon makes up for the lack of an interesting plot. Even if he died at the end."

I nod again, but I'm not really focusing. Something about the revving of the motorcycles has caught my eye. I stare at the group like it's the first time I'm really seeing something, but the picture hasn't formed clearly in my head yet. They've started to holler at Jessica and me, but I don't tear my eyes away.

"Which one of you pretty ladies would like a ride!" one laughs. The others cheer right after.

"Ew," Jessica tugs on my arm. "Ignore them."

But I keep looking. I wonder, how fast can those things go?

Edward forms out of the cold night air. His soured expression sinks into the corner of my vision. His amber eyes threatened me with unspoken repercussions.

"Come on, little ladies!" Another voice calls out.

I look at Jessica only briefly and then into the eyes of my soulmate.

"Don't," he warns.

I make my decision instantly.

Pushing through Jessica's grip is easy enough, I begin to walk towards the men.

"We got a keeper!"

I look down while making my way to the safest-looking man. He's overweight, but the bulk of his leather jacket likely makes me look larger than he is.

"Hey, where are you going?" Jessica calls out to me. I only look back at her for a second and finding nothing to say, I proceed with my march.

"You're an absolute idiot for this, Bella," Edward says.

I hope so.

The walk to them becomes instantly mortifying. The whistling rings in my ears and I'm certain my whole face is on fire by now.

"You can be killed," my former boyfriend sneers.

There's a bulky man offering me the closest to what I would deem to be a friendly smile. He's balding on his round head, but the appearance of a blond five o'clock shadow makes him look younger and almost trustworthy. His bike is nothing to boast about, but it's not like I would know anything about it anyway. It's dark with two wheels and hopefully enough room for two. All I need.

He smiles brighter when he sees that I've chosen him.

"I need a distraction," I say, surprising myself with my own honesty.

He laughs, "I can do that for you. What's your name, girl?"

"Isabella." I go with my full name to put at least an inch of distance between us. Not like that matters when I've hopped onto the back and wrapped my arms around a stranger.

"Chet," he offers back. "Hold on."

Being on top of the engine sends immediate tingles down my spine. When he pulls on the gas and the revving reaches my ear, I feel like I'm on fire. But nothing burns, only sears into me, melting my stiff muscles. I recognize the feeling to be adrenaline. Danger. Exhilaration. I never felt this way with Edward. I was never scared of him. The opposite was true with James. It was only terror. Now I'm caught in the middle, like being suspended from a bridge that gazes out into the abyss of infinity. I laugh through the strangeness of it.

Chet laughs too. Not for the same reason. I'm sure it's at me, not with me. But I don't care. I feel like extending my arms in the air and flying off the seat of this ride.

"Stop touching this man," Edward scowls.

Hmm, maybe he does want me to let go then?

"No, I want you off the bike, Bella."

Well, that's not happening anytime soon. Not when I'm having so much fun. As we turn down roads and speed through alleyways, I see Edward's figure appear and reappear at each corner. He's trying to ruin my night. His piercing gaze of disappointment hits me in the chest whenever I look fully on.

Fortunately, there's an easy solution. I close my eyes. The feeling of the fast wind hitting my cheeks and hands cools me considerably. I can feel my heart thudding heavily waiting for my bones to splinter so it can escape my body. Even the blood rushing in my ears is acutely sensitive. I wonder again if this is the closest I'll get to being a vampire.

My hair is going everywhere. I half expect Chet to look back at me and demand me to hold it back. I've got no hair ties and he never does. The initial exhilaration of being on a fast-moving vehicle leaves me. A sinking feeling in my stomach forms. What on Earth have I just gotten myself into? This man could kidnap me and no one would know anything. He could bring me back to his gang and let everyone have a piece of me.

The happy adrenaline is replaced by another burst of the same chemical doused in fear. My hands go cold around the man and my feet begin to shake.

"Um," I start to say, "I think I need to go back now."

Suddenly all I can hear is the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. My vision grows fuzzy and I feel seconds away from passing out. I don't even know if he was able to hear me through the constant noise. I could be trapped here all night. Forever.

"Well," Chet responds. "That's too bad."

But I'm familiar enough with the streets to realize he's turning back to where he picked me up. Relief comes, but the remnants of an adrenaline overload leave me feeling low and oddly desperate for more. I have half a mind to tell him to forget it and keep going, but I don't. We've already stopped.

"Thanks," I say as I hop off the bike. The night sets on top of me. I feel like an infinitesimal dot in a vast expanse of nothingness. I barely see Chet's features anymore.

Jessica still stands at the corner with a shocked expression. Oh boy.

"Don't mention it, pretty girl. I'm here all the time if you want to come back." Chet winks and speeds off. The revving once again cracks through my skull, but he's gone and I'm beyond grateful he didn't push for anything more from me.

My stomach flips a thousand different times before I feel like I can move my legs again. I don't have another choice but to approach the friend I forgot I left behind. Another walk of shame.

"Yo, Bella," Jessica's voice is firm when I'm within earshot of her. "What the fuck was that?"

For a brief moment, I see Renee's face plastered over hers. In my memories of my mom she's cursing at me because I forgot to do something she's incapable of completely. Missing the trash man, forgetting to remind her of a payment due, something that I completely failed. But I blink and Jessica Stanely returns to reality, standing on the sidewalk by the theater in the middle of winter.

I look down at my feet, trying not to trip because of the constant unsteadiness I feel slithering up my limbs and sinking into my chest. I mumble, "Sorry," at her and hope that's enough.

The mask on her face cracks into an enraged expression, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"I'm sorry," I say again as I get closer and realize she's not even trying to warm herself from the cold. I take a guess that she's shaking from anger instead. I feel a pinprick of guilt for leaving her outside while I sped away.

"That doesn't answer my question!" Her hands fly up in the air, eyes bugged out, and face nearly entirely red. Her jacket isn't equipped to handle her frantic movements.

I bit down on my bottom lip for a bit, "I wanted a little danger?"

"Danger?!" she screams. "Are you freaking kidding me!"

I try my best to shrug nonchalantly.

"If you want danger, try screwing someone at a party or something! Good God! You left me out here alone."

I look away from her again, "I didn't think you'd wait."

"Really? What kind of person would I be if I left you?" she asks and crosses her arms. "I know what you think of me, but I would have expected a higher opinion than that."

A gust of wind blows through and both of our hair is moved everywhere. She fits to smooth everything back into place while I leave it obscuring my vision for longer.

"No," I retort quickly. "It wasn't like that. I didn't think that I was worth it to wait for, really."

Jessica's wrath simmers down and her eyes grow wide in understanding. Only I expect that understanding to be doused in pity and to miss the mark of what I'm trying to say entirely.

"If you didn't come back in the next thirty minutes, I was gonna call the police," she hums. "It would be mortifying to explain you going missing to your dad, you know."

I scratch the back of my neck and finally push the fly-away hairs out of my face, "I am sorry. I didn't consider that."

She looks me up and down and sighs, "Guess you really did want danger. Really though, call me next time if you want something better. Those dudes were gross."

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica Stanely doesn't know that I'll use any excuse to bring myself closer to the edge of oblivion now.

 

 

 

 

 

My car bounces twice as much with the extra weight in the back. Every little dent on the road sends me flying up to where I'd hit the roof if not for my seatbelt. I groan at the increase of roughness. My senses are already going haywire enough.

The drive to the reservation has oddly calmed me for the moment, especially as I get closer to the border. Passing through and making my way to see Jake exhilarates my entire body. I can only hope he'll be happy to see me with what I've planned.

When I reach his house, I pull around to the garage and obstruct the view of my truck from the house door. There's always a chance Billy might come out and find me before having unloaded what I need.

Fortunately, the load grumble of the engine is enough to get Jake's attention. I hear him bounce out from the house and turn a couple of corners to meet me. I blush upon realizing he's skipping with a giant smile on his face, likely all for me.

"Hey, Bella! What are you doing here?" he asks with cheery laughter.

I smile back, "I picked these things up at a junkyard. Figured you'd maybe want to work on them with me?"

He raises an eyebrow. I muster up some courage and pull the tarp off the two broken motorbikes stashed in the truck bed. Some of the light gray metal is rusted pretty badly and I'm fairly certain there are missing parts. I didn't comprehend much of what the guy said to me.

"Holy crap."

I nod, "Yeah, well." I rub my hand through my hair and press my left foot into the ground.

After staring for a long time, Jacob turns back to look at me and laughs, "Okay, sure. I'll work on these for you, but what do I get out of it?"

"You can keep one? And I'll obviously pay for everything."

He chuckles, "Sounds like a deal."

Without giving me a warning, he jumps onto my truck and easily lifts one of the bikes in his arms. Shit. And I thought it would be impossible to move these on my own. The seller and I had a difficult time loading them to begin with. Jake easily carries it to the back of his garage."

"God, Jake, what have you been eating?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"Hm?"

I roll my eyes at his lack of response, "Are you sure you're not on steroids? You're even bigger than when I last saw you for dinner." That must have been a few weeks ago, at least.

He laughs, shakes his head, and makes his way to get the second bike. "It wouldn't be that drastic of a difference if you came around more."

"Well, I intend to," I answer, crossing my arms defensively.

When the second bike is gone, I close the back gate. Running my hand over the metal again, I cringe internally at the remembrance of one of my tires going out. I hope the replacement Sam used could handle the weight of the bikes and it won't pop on me heading home. I sigh again, thinking about that night.

Jake comes back up to me and then stills. His whole body goes completely rigid. Even though I haven't seen him much, I know him enough to notice he's always moving in some way. It's uncanny now.

"Why do you smell like…" he trails off.

"Smell?" I gasp. God, not another person suggesting I stink.

But then he shoots away from me and looks at me with rage in his eyes. "Wow, you're a hypocrite, Bells."

"What?"

He shakes his head, disapprovingly. I'm almost reminded of Sam's posture at the moment. Suddenly, I put two and two together. But how can he smell that? I took an edible.

"Asking if I'm taking drugs when you clearly are," he sneers. The reminder of Sam is gone, replaced with Edward's constant belittlement.

On cue, he forms next to Jake with the same look of disappointment and an 'I told you so' stare that certainly reveals the real Edward's opinions sometimes.

"I-I," I find myself unable to say anything. Still shocked that he even knows just by smelling.

Jake's eyebrows form into a single angry line. "Are you an addict now?"

"Of course not!" I retort. "How can you say that?"

He laughs dryly, "Because now that I'm looking at you, you look like crap, Bella. Seriously."

My mouth falls open, but I can't say anything else or even move. I only look at him as he now refuses to look at me.

"I'm not working on these bikes for you if you're going to take drugs," he says.

My heart hammers in my chest.

"Come back when you're okay."

He leaves me there on the gravel driveway up to his garage. The one person I thought would be an honest friend. Panic sets in and my eyes frantically search around to where he went. The loud slam of the door tells me enough.

He doesn't want to deal with me. No one does. Edwards only seems to agree with that sentiment.

The tears fall without warning.

 

 

 

 

 

The coolness of our bathtub walls hits me from all sides through my thin shirt. I'm still clothed as I sit here, only my legs shaking less because of my jeans. I don't plan to turn on the water. I just didn't know where else to go.

My body won't stop shaking. My mind follows the same pattern. Unable to focus on a single thought for too long. I bounce around thinking about Sam's concerned expression to Jessica's shocked look and Jacob's wrath. All deserved. And then finally, to Edward's dark amber eyes of disappointment.

Please just let it all go away.

My hands shake as I open the altoid tin. I've got two red gummies left. Normally that might last me a bit since I don't use them every day, but I decide to consume them both at once. The high might relieve some of the pain. I'll do anything to make it less painful.

I told Charlie some lie about needing to relax in my room instead of coming down to dinner immediately. He seemed to buy it. He won't press against my bouts of melancholy. Not like Renee might if she paid attention.

See that's the problem, I think. People are paying too much attention to me now. I don't want it. I never did. Not from them.

I close my eyes and pass out in the bathroom.

Notes:

This chapter was such a struggle to write because I kept falling asleep and then waking up in the middle of the night to write when I should have before I went to bed.

Anyway, my goal is to try to get done with half of this story (roughly twenty chapters) before the fall semester starts up again. Might be pushing it since it's already July yikes

Chapter 9: Sam Part Five

Summary:

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ― Mark Twain

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I wake up in the afternoon with a familiar tingling sensation at the base of my neck. I've only gotten the bare minimum amount of sleep to handle this with. Somehow that number keeps going lower and lower the longer I spend phasing into a wolf.

I know right away that Embry's time is almost upon us. There isn't much I can do but rush out the door and reaffirm to Jared and Paul that he is my responsibility to handle alone. I won't have anyone pushing him to phase in a dangerous emotional state. Though I don't believe I can really do much better.

The sprint to his house goes by quick enough. I'm suddenly reminded of my mom's affinity to drive longer routes just to avoid this place. Tiffany Call never did get along with the other rez women. Even though I turn into an animal, I don't understand the beastly ways women tear at each other for fear of their man being stolen.

But Embry is an innocent victim in that. And now he'll be an innocent victim in something else.

I hear yelling going on in the small cottage. The windows are opening and purple curtains flap out in the wind. It's getting pretty cold to do that, but I assume Embry's rising body temperature demands greater cooling that his mom can fight against.

My stomach constricts after a few minutes of listening. Embry has no plans to leave his house. With him so close to phasing, I have to get him out of here or he'll hurt his mother. Like I did mine.

Phasing back into a human, I march up to the door. A closer inspection of the house reveals it's more dilapidated than I first noticed. Their quality of living may not be so high, even compared to the rest of the government stifled reservation occupants.

My knocks do silence their yelling, however.

Tiffany Call throws open the door. She's standing with messy hair thrown on top of her head and one of the angriest expressions I've ever seen.

"What the fuck do you want?" she levels at me.

I take a half-second to regain my composure, but stand as tall and broad as possible, "I need to talk to your son, Ma'am."

She scoffs, "Like hell."

"It's very important I talk to him right now," I push a little harder. I use my 'protector of the people voice.' I can tell immediately that she doesn't buy it.

Fortunately, Embry easily pushes past her in the doorway and exits his house. "Fine, whatever," he growls either at me or his mom or the world.

I give a quick tip of my head to Tiffany and chase after the teenager. His anger certainly helps him walk quickly, but I'm experienced enough at this point to catch up. I can see him shake, the spasms out of reality I did myself those years ago. He's very close.

"Embry Call," I shout. "I have some things to talk to you about."

"Not interested!" he yells back over his shoulder.

At this point, I can't even tell what his intended destination is. He seems to want to meander through the forest as long as possible, perhaps to get me off his back. Or maybe for what I instead assume, he knows he's in a dangerous spot right now and he shouldn't be near an unguarded person. Of course, I am not one so I keep following.

Embry acts a bit surprised that I can keep up with him. The difficult tree branches and ravines he picks to move through are spots I've spent many months training on top of. There's no way he can beat me in this game. Yet for his sake, I keep a distance so he doesn't feel too threatened.

"I know what's happening to you," I finally call out to him.

"Piss off!"

Right, more of the same. Not unlike Bella actually. My stomach tightens at the thought.

"Embry," I get closer to him, enough for him to lose a couple of steps of steady footing, "I know why you're angry all the time, why you're burning hot no matter the weather outside. I know."

He slows down and looks back at me with wide eyes but shakes his head and keeps going.

"Your body is changing, growing at a rapid rate and your own strength scares you," I continue.

He laughs, "I've already gone through puberty, man."

"This is different, this is special. You've been chosen, Embry."

More laughter, "Is this how you indoctrinate all your cult members?"

Though I'm still keeping up with him quite well, I do have to say the kid knows how to emotionally exhaust a person. Perhaps this is why his mom appears to be on a short fuse. The thought reminds me of my purpose in being here.

"What you are doing is dangerous to your mom," I say.

He stops walking entirely. Back facing me, I feel him breathe in and out heavily. He's got a lot of control, but he can't stop nature any more than I ever could.

I wait for him to make the next move, slowly he turns back to me to face me with a rabid expression. Ah, so the angry genes of Tiffany Call are dominant. Whoever his father is, I imagine he has the same temperament as the other tribal men: contemplative and reserved.

"What did you say about her?" he seethes. The whites of his eyes shine brightly and I know he's real close now.

"If you don't let what's happening to you happen, you could hurt her," I state plainly. He'll learn soon enough what I did to mine.

He stalks towards me with a few wide steps. Not nearly enough to intimate me but I applaud his efforts.

"Don't talk about her!" he yells. "You don't know anything about us."

I agree, "That's true, but there's something happening to you right now, Embry, that you need to let out. I know you can feel it."

He laughs bitterly, "I don't want your advice."

"Feel it," I press on. "It's in your chest, right? Clawing to get out. It's in me too. We'll do it together, okay?"

I suddenly realize this may not be the route to go. Perhaps Paul's approach was right after all. But Embry looks close enough to rage at me that our two methods are merging. I dig my heels into the forest floor in a fighting posture. If he notices, he doesn't comment or react.

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about, freak," he lies.

"Then watch."

Quickly, I take two big steps back and then launch myself at him. His whole face goes slack as he sees me run. He's actually paralyzed with fear. Hopefully, this works.

My legs and arms pump fast until I lead up and phase into my wolf almost on top of him. Nature kicks in and Embry's body erupts. Hearing the sickening bone crunches of a kid who's trying to fight against it in pure shock and horror ignites another layer of suffering in me I didn't think was possible.

He contorts on the ground and withers in pain. His legs bend out in front of him and he keeps trying to roll to one side and lift himself, but falls back down over again, not used to the wolf form.

The only thing that goes through our mind link is something along the lines of 'what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck,' over and over again.

His coloring is dark gray with patches of black. The same shade of black I am. There's something I know with certainty. The same certainty that passed through me when I looked in Bella Swan's eyes. Embry Call is my brother. Not a pack brother, but a blood one. His father is Joshua Uley as well.

I'm not able to move. I watch Embry struggle on the ground and it takes me many moments to snap myself out of the astonishment of it all.

"Steady yourself," I command.

He slows down considerably.

"Use your hind legs and push yourself up."

He's able to do it. Then floods my mind with the feeling of shock and awe. "What did you do to me?" he asks with a small voice. The anger that once was there dissipates.

"Nothing. It was already inside of you."

He whines, then howls at the sky. I wait for him to sort out the flickering of emotions passing through. Surprise, anger, sadness. Then he settles on terror. I suppose I can't blame him for that.

It's indescribable what a crying wolf sounds like. Through physical expressions and the mind link, the power of Embry's emotions nearly brings me to my knees.

"I can't be this way! I can't!" he sobs.

I strut around to get closer to him, "You can. But you won't be stuck in this form forever. You can phase back into a human."

"How?!" he laments more. "I'm a monster now, might as well stay this way."

I don't want to see my own shame mirrored on him, so I do something that could be categorized as quite 'mean.' I force the issue.

"You will phase back," I demand in the Alpha voice.

Embry stills once again and then the sickening bone crunches return. He's fighting against returning to his human form. Each snap I hear causes me to shudder in disgust. If it weren't for our rapid healing, Embry would be a broken corpse right now. I try not to think of that while he has access to my thoughts.

"Please, please," he begs. "Make it stop."

I find myself completely unsure what the right decision to make here is. It's another weight on top of me that tells of what a failed leader I am.

"Relax," I try. "You need to calm yourself and then leap back into who you once were."

"I can't!" he moans and falls over each time he tries. The pain seems only to be getting worse. I've clearly made the wrong decision.

"Okay, okay," I say. "Stop. Lay down and rest."

He does. It takes another thirty minutes for him to do anything but cry within his head. The wolf version keeps howling too. I want to be gentle, I do. But the threat that is out there needs a trained pack to counter it. Embry needs to learn to master the beast as much as we have.

"I'm alone," he sobs. "I bet I can't tell my mom about this, huh?"

"No, only other members and the elders."

He cries worse. I cringe at that.

"But I can't even tell my only family," he says. "She's all I've got. I'm all she has."

"You're going to have a bigger family now," I tell him. "We don't ignore brothers in the pack. Everyone will be there for you."

"But my friends," he cries. "I can't tell them."

I swallow, "Maybe not for a little bit. But they'll be there when it's all over."

Now doesn't feel like the right time to tell him of the inkling suspicion I have that his friends will be joining our pack. It would be naive to assume that other vampires are not interested in this area. They may not run in true packs like us, but I bet the suckers have friends. And if one was interested in draining Bella….Thinking of it sends me into a tailspin. Embry notices right away and I find myself having to explain the legends of the imprint. Not that I would ever tell Jared, but it helps to have a case where it did work out well so Embry isn't terrified of looking women in the eye for the distant future.

"Bella Swan?" he says, startled. "But Jacob's crazy about her."

I nod, "I know, but it's not a concern of mine. She's free to be with whomever she chooses."

"Do you want that?" Embry asks, getting straight to the heart of my constant dilemma. Maybe he can see it on my face just how much it fucking hurts to say that.

I grit my teeth and weigh my words, "I just want the best for her."

"Is that all?"

I strongly consider giving a glare to the kid, but I push that down and admit the truth instead, "No, I do want to be around her, all the time. But I have to consider what she wants and needs. Right now, that isn't to get involved with more supernatural creatures."

"More?"

Shit.

And Embry Call learns that the legends of the Cold Ones were always in fact true. He reacts similarly to me: the need to kill almost overwhelms. I'm still feeling generous enough so I show him the memories of us killing the dark-skinned leech through the forest. Embry doesn't comment on the level of anger and righteous instinct flowing through me at the moment due to the threat on Bella's life.

"Are you ready to go back now?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says.

The phase back to human almost looked natural for him. I feel a burst of pride for my new brother.

I give him my pair of pants to go back home with since he shredded all of his stuff. I also mention that he will need to come to see Old Quil soon so we can go forward with giving him the protector tattoo and cutting his hair. I know Embry doesn't want to take on the mantra of a 'hall monitor' but duty often leaves no choice.

Later, Paul and Jared welcome him into the pack by chasing him around the forest for miles at a time. He's slimmer than the rest of us and can get into hard-to-access places. I will have a use for him yet. I think mostly though, he's grateful to have two others like him who don't have to be the stoic authority figure. Like them, however, he doesn't like the shift schedule I put him on. They all know that if more boys phase their own hours will diminish, but none ever talk about it. Perhaps they also feel the weight I do when someone else is cursed to this life.

December has never been anything to me except a cold and lonely month. Now halfway through and the solitude is even worse than I remember. I glance up at the telephone hanging on my wall. No new voicemails.

But, I do sense and hear a presence approaching my house.

I wait, holding my breath. Then there's a rough knock on the door.

"Yo Boss, let me in," Paul's voice demands. I almost laugh thinking that he can imitate the same level of command that I do.

Regardless, I walk up and open the door for him, "Is there something you need?"

He must seize me up and conclude that I'm not in the happiest of moods to chat. With two eyebrows raised, he pushes past me and plops down on my couch like he owns the place. Damn, let me just offer to cook you a meal too, huh Beta.

"Take your feet off the coffee table, Paul," I press.

He probably rolls his eyes at me, but he does what I say.

I'm about to ask why he's really here, especially when I do need to get some sleep soon so I can monitor their antics in a few hours, but he blurts it out soon enough.

"So I can't lie to you anymore, man, just thought I'd come here and say it."

Paul stops and waits dramatically. I almost walk over and yank on his hair to throw him out of my house if he thinks he can act this way in front of me. Fucking theatrical pauses are my limit of bullshit to contend with lately.

"Emily and I are dating, I guess. Sort of," he spits out and then looks to the ground in shame.

Oh.

"Wh-why?" I stammer. It's a confusing prospect, to say the least.

He looks back up at me and laughs, "Cause she's hot? And like the only woman here that knows about us. Look, gets tiring hearing about your and Jared's lovey-dovey thoughts when I don't have someone of my own."

I frown at him, "I don't have Bella."

"See, didn't even have to say her name and she's who you think of. Doesn't matter. Emily and I aren't that serious. Just thought I'd tell you when the guilt was eating away at me."

I sit down at the recliner next to the couch and stretch my legs. Pinpointing how I feel on the issue is harder than I might have expected. I don't want Emily back. Not when every nerve in my body screams for my imprint and my imprint alone. Yet, I'm undoubtedly perplexed that Emily has moved on so quickly. She seemed to treat me with such adoration and understanding that I would have sworn it was true love. Before, anyway. I even chalked her lack of want to fight the imprint with me to be her way of saving me the pain of trying to do something I'd never be capable of.

The thoughts circle in my head and I say the most tangible thing I can focus on, "Okay, but why is she interested in you?"

Paul's eyes go wide for a second, but then he laughs even more, "Who the hell knows, man. She mentioned not being able to turn her back on the 'wolf world' since finding out. Said it was her destiny or something. Yeah, she's a little bit crazy, but she's cute and makes amazing muffins. Like why didn't you mention that before?"

I blink a few times and then just shrug. No answer for that.

"It'd be weird to invite you so I won't, but Emily keeps on insisting that I bring the others around so she can cook for them too. More the merrier, eh?"

"Suppose so."

He gets up off the couch and makes an awkward effort to dust himself off, "Well, that's all I wanted to say. See you for our shift later."

I stand up too as he makes his way over to the door to leave. Again, I blurt out something that could be construed as insensitive, "What happens if you imprint?"

Looking back, he says, "Ah, you see, my plan for that is to simply not do it. Shit looks like it sucks."

"Paul," I say, "Emily already that happen to her once. I'm just trying to watch over her feelings. I can't tell you how serious to keep your relationship, but at least be mindful of that."

He nods at me, "Sure." And then leaves.

I sink back into the recliner and wait. No idea what I'm waiting for though. A change of pace, someone else to show up, anything. But time passes with nothing happening and my eyelids grow heavy. There's no excuse not to sleep when I need rest to be attentive to the kids underneath me.

The days grow colder but none of us ever mind it. Now that Paul has revealed his secret, I see the memories of Emily flicker in his mind. She frets over him like she once did over me. Trying to get him to bring a coat. Even Kim remarks that superheat should have a limit. Embry's mom spends too much time yelling at him in the morning for sneaking out at night to insist that he stays warm. She's trying a cold shoulder of her own. And I'm an experienced adult, so there's no one to coddle me. Though I might wish there was.

I worry over news reports of hikers going missing a hundred miles from us. But there's hardly enough concrete evidence to force a schedule of increased intensity on the boys. The sinking feeling that there'll be more trouble to come won't leave. I will speak to Old Quil soon about his perceptions on which kid will be next. The Alpha genes in Jacob Black appear to be ready to activate. I wonder how soon he'll want to take over this role. I'm happy to hand it over anytime. For now, I let the pack have a short holiday break.

It's Christmas and I can't avoid my mom. We never really did celebrate Thanksgiving so she'll definitely be expecting me to come today. And she'll see the change right on my face before I even say anything.

I walk into her small house and stare at the decor. The giant Christmas tree in the corner cuts into my childhood. I used to help her put that up. We'd wait for my father all day to see if he was going to come that year. He never did. I swallow and put the presents down on the kitchen table instead.

I'm about to comment on the smell of warm cookies when my mom instantly seizes me up. It all must be evident on my face. Longing and desire. That or maybe she's heard about Emily and Paul. But I hold more weight in the category of 'she knows her son's temperaments, especially related to infatuation.' If only I could explain how it's different with Bella. Too different to be confronted with regular approaches to dating.

With an eyebrow raised, my mom speaks, "Well, what's her name and why didn't you bring her?"

I shake my head, "It isn't like that."

"Not official?"

I swallow the knot in my throat again and just barely grit out, "Not reciprocated."

Allison Uley laughs. Despite the scars on the side of her face, deep smile lines break through and she holds her belly as she laughs. Even after a solid minute, she's still doubling over while sitting on her rocking chair. It may be the happiest I've seen her in months. Probably because I've spent that long avoiding her in the reluctance of facing this moment.

"You haven't even told her, have you?" she barely makes out.

I roll my eyes and stretch out my legs on her couch. The damn thing has only gotten smaller with the years.

"She's been through a bad breakup."

"So make it better?"

I curse under my breath and decide to let out a bit more information, "He abandoned her in the forest."

"Yeesh," my mom says. "Give her something to forget that with."

The frayed edges of the couch cushions seem a better thing to focus on at this moment. Messing with them makes it worse. If I visited earlier, I would have put new pillows on the gift list. Now my mom will have to settle for a llama wool scarf that cost a pretty penny.

"She doesn't even like me as a friend," I admit. Bella's attitude is enough reason to come to that conclusion. Of course, I haven't been the nicest in pushing her to get off drugs. Though a patient kindness may not have worked in her case either.

"Sam Uley, you have your father's gift for attracting women. I find that very difficult to believe. Just look at how easy Leah and Emily came to you."

"Well, believe it," I grit out, trying not to think of my exes. "I gave her my number and she hasn't called."

It hurts to say it out loud. The lack of my imprint's interest in me continues to degrade my nerves.

"She will," Allison answers.

Uh-huh. Sure, Mom.

She's got that look in her eye like she wants to hear more. I try a different angle, "She's not Quileute. From Forks, actually."

My mom presses her lips into a thin line as if she's considering something. She's never talked to me about her expectations for me to choose a tribal girl. Yet, I always figured that was her ideal even if never spoken. Fortunately or unfortunately, the universe gave me no choice in breaking that tradition.

After a few moments of silence, she speaks up, "Suppose it doesn't matter. Bring her around when you've finally wooed her."

I scoff.

"This one is different, yes?" she presses lightly but with the intensity I know is stirring behind her eyes.

If only you knew, I think bitterly. But there's only so many pack secrets I'm going to tell her. The definiteness of the imprint would be justified in causing a horrified reaction, or one of sappy soulmate praise for those doomed romantics in life. Reality never works so clean cut.

But even with all these thoughts, my cheeks heat up. I try to shake the redness off my head. It's another clear signal to Allison that she's right. Bella is special.

"I always had a suspicion that the others weren't quite right for you," she murmurs while looking out the cabin window. The snow falls peacefully. The perfect scene for what Allison is hoping to be the last Christmas of just the two of us. Even with Leah and Emily joining, my mom always reverted to her decades-long position of waiting for a man who would never come. I fail to see how Bella could change that for us, however. But the world clearly shows stranger things happening.

"But you liked them," I argue.

Her shoulders rise and fall as she looks back at me with a wistful expression, "They made you happy for a time. What more can a mother hope for?"

Not a failed marriage like her own, I know. She's said it to me too many times. Sometimes with drunken confessions and others with her slumped over body crying over a plate of cookies on Christmas Days like these. Certainly not a marriage where a partner has continuous affairs and fathers another child.

"Should we eat?" I ask instead. She's familiar enough with my near-constant need for replenishment. Even as a teenager I almost ate into our rent each month. There's still lingering guilt on that, of course.

"If you don't mind cornish hens this year. Been trying out a new thing."

I get up and help take out plates and utensils while she unloads the food from the oven. My heightened senses can pick up on the lack of spices and bordering-on-burned skin. I chuckle silently to myself. Her cooking mistakes never change despite now many 'new things' may be out there. Despite it all, I wouldn't have a Christmas Meal by her any other way.

We do manage to have a happy enough meal. Between the natural pauses of conversation, I still find her looking out the window for a never-approaching car. I do my best to immediately spark a childhood memory where we continue to argue over the interpretation to this day. She never did quite believe me when I asserted that the small fights I got in during school weren't my fault. Well, maybe some of them were. I've always been a little territorial.

There's a hefty pumpkin pie for dessert. Store-bought this time. I try not to laugh at that too. But my mom catches on and curses me for remembering the year she burned dessert and caused the smoke alarms to go off. I vaguely remember being terrified the police were going to show up they were so loud. She threatens me with the pie server for reminding her of that.

I'm fighting to conjure up another shared experience of ours when she beats me to it. Unfortunately deciding to press on a topic I make a point to avoid.

"I've been talking to your father on the phone occasionally," she admits, not quite looking me in the eye.

"How occasionally?" I ask with as level a voice as I can maintain. Neither of us talks about the fact it was her comparison of me to him that caused her such pain. I don't think I could bear it.

She rolls her eyes at me for a change, "He asks about you, you know."

"And does he ask about Embry Call?" I simmer with silent rage.

The expression on Allison Uley's face is one of shock and anguish. We've never talked about the kid before. She might have put in some effort to hide it from me, Lord knows why. Then her eyes grow wide with an understanding flashing across her features. Always a perceptive woman.

"Is he like you?" she whispers. I remember she doesn't even know about Jared yet, though she does sometimes ask about Paul. But never about this side of us. Perhaps it causes her the same level of pain it does to me.

I nod.

Then a sad smile, "Tiff never did give me a straight answer when I asked."

"She probably would have hidden it from the world had Dad's genes not been so goddamn strong." I don't tell her that even if Billy Black or Quil Ateara had been his father, he'd probably still have shifted.

Allison carefully chews her bite of pumpkin pie as she thinks.

"So then us women cannot pass on the gene?"

"They probably can," I say. "But Tiffany Call is mostly Makah, no?"

She smirks, "That's right. Never did pay too much attention to the bitch."

I laugh despite myself. She follows suit.

The rest of Christmas is a mildly happy affair. But the lingering want of Bella's presence never quite leaves my mind. I keep waiting for a call that might never happen.

Notes:

Wrote this super quickly in just three days, hope you enjoy even though it's not the most plot-centric chapter.

Leave a ;) in the comments if you think Bella will call next chapter...

Chapter 10: Bella Part Five

Summary:

“I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.” ― Kurt Vonnegut Jr

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Charlie deserves a good Christmas. The kind with ham, sides, and whatever his favorite pie happens to be. It would take a lot of work preparing everything, wrapping some mediocre presents, and sending a few off to Renee. Work that would normally cause my stomach to flip and prevent me from getting started for a good hour. That's why Xanax is so handy.

I can see why it gets prescribed often.

My memory has wasted away enough already. The upcoming holiday reminds me that I can't recall a single thing that happened for Thanksgiving. Charlie probably had to order something. It gives me more reason to not screw up today.

But the pills make me move much slower than I'm used to for cooking. The weight of the mixing spoon grows heavy in my hand. Dried breadcrumbs are not a difficult ingredient, but trying to coat each one in the broth for stuffing has me exhausted.

The potatoes are boiling in the pot. God, they probably need to be mashed soon. The weak muscles in my arm cry out at that suggestion. I swallow the fear gathering in my throat.

The oven goes off. I jump out of my skin. Shit, it's ready for me to put the stuffing in. But I still can't move this mixture well enough. The heat building in our kitchen goes straight into my face. I'm sweating, I keep rubbing my brow, but the moisture doesn't leave.

Why aren't the pills working here?

The room spins. I slam the mixing bowl down on the counter and move to the wall to prevent myself from falling. I can't fall. I can't fail. Charlie is depending on me. Renee never did this for him. I know because she never did it for me. I have to keep going.

But my legs freeze and my breathing grows ragged. There's too much to do. I haven't started on the green bean casserole or cranberry sauce or dessert. Each of those things requires a million steps.

There are beads of liquids forming at the corners of my eyes. I'm a failure. I should give up here. There's no reason to try when he'd just leave me anyway.

My heart quakes in my chest.

Maybe the end is nigh after all.

 

 

 

 

 

"Bella, Bells, honey," Charlie shakes me out of my slumber.

I'm dumbfounded. When did he get here? How long has he been watching?

I don't cry, but the long streams of tears down my face continue to pour. I blink, but it does nothing to stop them.

"What do you need help with?" he asks.

"Um," my voice is hoarse and I rack my brain with what I've been trying to do, "could you mash the potatoes?"

"No problem."

"Yeah, I'll-I'll just add in the milk and butter when you're done with that," my words feel rushed and stupid. I burn with embarrassment.

He nods and goes to work effortlessly. Watching him work on the meal I was supposed to do causes me to jump right back into what I had been doing. The stuffing goes into the oven and I heat cranberries, orange juice, and sugar in a saucepan.

I stir and stir until the berries split open and leak their juice. My mouth waters. This used to be my favorite part of holiday meals. But instead of hunger, the strange feelings going through me at the site of the sauce boiling represent a different kind of bellyache.

There are images of dark eyes and russet skin flashing through my head. My lips part as I realize it's not Edward's body that has materialized without warning. Why god why?

I stir faster, trying to thicken the cranberry mixture as fast as possible. It's the Xanax, I've lost control of my thoughts and it's not my fault for wondering about someone who's harped on my issues so often. Not even if he's chiseled and sturdy.

"Bella," Charlie sighs and once again removes me from my obsessive mind, "I don't want to come off as pushy here, but have you considered seeing someone, maybe?"

"Seeing someone?" I squeak out. He can't possibly mean what I think he means. The heat on my cheeks burns down to my bones.

"A therapist."

A tension shoots up my spine but leaves my shoulders. I should have considered this was what he meant. Not the other thing.

"No," I shake my head. "No shrink."

Charlie sighs a lot louder, "I know the stigma against them, Bells, I do. But in my line of work, I can't deny that they do help people sometimes."

I brush my fingers through the bottom half of my hair and use the other hand to keep stirring mindlessly, "I don't really think that's necessary yet. Like I'm not hallucinating."

A lie. Edward sulks in the kitchen corner as the food is still being prepared. I anticipate he's halfway towards commenting on me burning something right now.

I try to laugh at the end, but Charlie doesn't.

"It doesn't have to be that serious, Bells," he chides.

"Yeah, but I am doing better, I promise. Really, I'm okay," I look up at him with the most sparkling eyes I can manage. Sometimes this trick works. But never on Renee, since I learned it from her.

"I believe you, I just want you to be better than okay."

Emotion shines in his eyes. I am suddenly the worst daughter imaginable. I am a lying liar who lies. I've bought drugs, cigarettes, gotten drunk. God, I tore my tire and had to have Sam lie to take care of it. Shame sears itself into my soul. No amount of Christmas dinner can make up for these things I haven't been honest about.

But, the thought worms itself towards the center of my brain, is he giving me a chance right now, to be honest?

I look away from him. I still can't.

"I will be good," I try to sound confident. "Maybe not yet. But getting into college will help, and still, um, seeing friends."

Even if there's only like one person who I can actually count as willing to still see me. And she thinks I'm insane anyway.

"I know," I continue with a bit of honesty, "that I have things to work on. It'll just take some time."

A shrug and I hope that seals the deal. As long as I'm not getting noticeably worse in front of him, he can't argue too much against me.

Charlie puts on his gruff police voice, "Well, 'suppose we can talk about it later. It is Christmas after all."

"Right!" I say and shoo him out of the kitchen. "I'll be finished in a couple of hours!"

"I can still help…"

"Nope!" I try to be enthusiastic. "I'm back in my groove now."

Surprisingly, not a total lie. I hum to myself to focus on something other than the anxious and unwanted thoughts that always linger. Edward, for his part, stays silent as well. The meal should turn out to be decent at this point. It's all I can hope for. I should be grateful for a half a day's worth of almost-cheer.

Charlie and I eat in silence. I'm continuously thankful that neither of us feels the need to engage in idle conversation. He still compliments me on my cooking skills. I give him a small warm small in return. Even though it's a mostly peaceful affair, no more talk of therapists, my thoughts continue to swarm around me. I wonder how others are spending their Christmas. Jessica, Jake even though he's not fond of me right now, and Sam too. I wonder about the Cullens. There's no good answer for them. I end up pushing green beans around my plate when their faces form too corporeally in my head. Charlie notices, so I go back to chewing.

When I bring out the dessert I threw together, a blueberry cobbler since pie felt too overwhelming at the moment, Charlie's eyes light up and we laugh. I tell him he's lucky it's a holiday or else I'd have a thing or two to say about his sugar intake. Surprisingly, I notice this is the first time in months I've cared about his diet. Or my own.

At the realization that I feel ever-so-slightly better, Edward materializes closer to me. Eyes almost entirely black now. I gulp without helping it. Still far from okay when he's still haunting me. And with that look in his eyes, I wonder if he's hungering for something more than my blood.

 

 

 

 

 

"Thanks, Bells," Charlie says when he unwraps the meager gift I got him. A leather pack for his fishing gear that I got at Newton's Olympic Outfitters. Brown on the outside with a plaid interior. It reminded me of him as soon as I saw it.

"I got you something too, kiddo."

"You didn't have to, Dad," I say.

He hands me a nicely wrapped package. I wager he got someone to do it for him, perhaps a secretary at the station, as his own skills with other paper projects tend to be lacking. But I would have appreciated something just stuff in a bag regardless.

Another present in my hands draws the comparison to my failed birthday party. Yet, there's a pool of relief forming at the bottom of my stomach that my dad won't lung at me if I accidentally cut myself opening the gift. Even if the Cullens would have gotten me a thousand expensive things that I would only feel guilty for, there's surprisingly no real comparison to not thinking my life is about to end at the wrong misstep.

Edward growls at me. A sickly sweet sound that shakes my bones.

Charlie got me a novel. Gone with The Wind by Margaret Mitchell.

He looks at me sheepishly and scratches behind his neck, "The ladies at the bookstore said you might like it."

I can imagine elderly librarians giggling to one another as an adult man fumbles for what to get his moody and reserved daughter. Nothing but a classic love story that ends badly. But, I do have to applaud his efforts. I never realized he paid much attention to what I read. That in itself is a comforting gift.

I give him a kiss on the cheek that only makes him go redder. "Thank you, I love it. And Merry Christmas."

 

 

 

 

 

I'm familiar enough with the novel, but the comparison of myself and Scarlett O'Hara seems too outlandish to contemplate as a real possibility. Still, I thumb through the pages and randomly hit the infamous passage calling to me. My abdomen tightens at the words. A haunting feeling gathering in my psyche.

"She was darkness and he was darkness and there had never been anything before this time, only darkness and his lips upon her…"

My mind snaps. Edward's coal eyes glare into mine. I look at him, mouth parted and desperate to say something that the gears in my brain have yet to ground out. There's liquid building up beneath my tongue. My chest heaves, up and down and up again. He looks at me, with wrath or sorrow or as only a thing of prey. I don't know. The memories swirl inside of me. I used to wish for his cold, hard touch late at night, caressing me until I could imagine myself turning to stone as well. He never wished to grant me that release. Now he stares, taunting me with my human impulses, vile and untoward.

Yet, I keep reading:

"...Somehow, her arms were around his neck and her lips trembling beneath his and they were going up, up into the darkness again, a darkness that was soft and swirling and all enveloping."

I slam the book shut. Walk to the bathroom and turn the water on cold.

 

 

 

 

 

I reach for my phone and fumble through typing as my nerves sizzle underneath my skin: Im ready to try your type of fun - Bella

Jessica's response is surprisingly quick: new years party you free?

Yeah how do I get there?

This time her response takes twenty minutes or so. I pace around my room again while Edward scowls at me in the corner. Can I not have a friend? Jeez. His eyes are almost fully black now, but I still see a honey hue picking through. He refuses to let me stare long, however, continually placing himself at the edge of my vision.

come to my house for a sleepover will sneak out when parents asleep ;)

I nod. Then I realize she can't see that so I send a reaffirming text right after. My nerves from talking to her have stopped hurting, but they are quickly replaced by what an actual party would look like. I know right away I don't have anything to wear that Alice would approve of. Thinking of her rummaging through her own clothes to offer me something feels like a hand reaching into my chest to squeeze my still-beating heart. Oh, how I longed for my heart to just stop.

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie agrees to let me spend the night at Jessica's for New Year's. He's probably just grateful I would rather do anything else but mope in my room. It's not a complete lie, anyway. We will be starting and ending the night at her place, at least. But my whole body still burns with shame when I walk away from him.

It takes a couple of days to work up the nerve to tell Charlie that he needs to do something for the holiday as well. He says he'll see if Harry and Billy are doing anything for the night. Maybe there will be a bonfire. I almost, almost cancel my plans with Jessica to do that instead. But Jake's mad at me still and the haunting truth that I want to do something else entirely slivers up my spine.

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica's bedroom walls are a deep shade of purple. There are a million pictures of our group hanging up. Many focus on just Mike. Interesting that she's left those up when they never really got together after prom.

I look around at her things, trying not to snoop too deeply, as she runs back and forth from her room and the bathroom putting on clothes and makeup. She has a lot of fancy clothes thrown across her bed. Instead of staring too much at her trendy collection and comparing it with my own, I work to unroll my sleeping bag across the ground. Later, I'll need to ask for a pillow to spare.

"This?" Jessica asks and points to a solid green halter top. She moves around in it, but I can tell it's too tight for her against her chest. She fiddles with the neckline. Jealous pools at my feet, strangely. My own body feeling considerably less feminine.

"Not very festive for the season?" I suggest casually.

She looks down and nods, "You're right."

"Maybe something with sequins?"

Alice taught me well enough to know when sparkles might be appropriate. I remember rolling my eyes at her and thinking I wouldn't ever recall that detail. But I do. I remember so many more moments with them than I thought possible. Vivid pictures of carefree happiness between the family members. Yet, there are always those gaping holes inside of my feeble mind unable to recall each separate detail and sift them apart from one another.

If I had a vampire's memory, I wouldn't forget a single….

"Is this too much?" she asks, pulling out a short dress covered with glitter. It certainly looks over the top. The image of Jessica dancing and becoming a giant blur of light strikes me in the face. Yeah, it's gaudy, but it somehow suits her perfectly.

"No, I think you'd rock it," I smile with as much honesty as I can manage.

When Jessica comes back into the room, the dress hugs her hips and she smiles triumphantly. I relax my own shoulders knowing that we're done sifting through her options.

"But now we have to do something about you, obviously."

"Me?" I squeak. I look down at what I'm wearing. A t-shirt and jeans to go underneath a winter jacket. Seemed appropriate enough for a party I will likely end up a fly on the while at.

"You can't go like that," she explains and works through the pile of clothes once again. "And we have to add makeup too."

"Absolutely not!"

She turns and smirks, "Yes!"

I'm looking right into the face of a general. Jessica knows how to win these battles. I only wonder what she's done to Angela.

"I'm not going to look like myself," I bite down on my lip.

But she shakes her head, "You will. Just more put together. Something that says 'Edward Cullen didn't know what he lost.'"

My blood freezes. The man in question materializes in the corner of her room. The sight of him juxtaposed with a large stuffed pink bunny almost makes me gag. His black eyes seek out mine.

Jessica is wrong. Edward knows what he lost. A chance at a final meal. Only refused because of his selfless love to not harm his family. To not disappoint Carlisle and Esme. Nothing to do with me, really. He stopped wanting to fully kill me, but that doesn't mean the thirst ever left. Not when I can see the beginnings of the veins forming underneath his eyes even now. That part of him, the only part left inside of me.

I don't look at Jessica's impatient expression, instead shifting my weight from one foot to another.

She sighs, in a barely-there manner, "Let's at least get you into a skirt."

 

 

 

 

 

I curse her as I keep trying to stretch the dark material down as I stare at myself in her mirror. She nearly held me down beside her vanity as she swatched brown shadow over my eyes. I let her brush mascara over my lashes, but refused to allow a touch of color on my cheeks. They get red enough as is. Grabbing my head back forcefully, she brushed out my hair and pinned the left side of it away from my face. With a sore scalp and a destroyed ego, Jessica leaves me in her room to work on herself more in the bathroom. She deserves more effort, being prettier and far more sociable.

But looking at myself still ignites a confusing feeling inside of me. I'm not ugly, looking at myself now. I look warmer, more open. It leaves me feeling even more perplexed and desperate inside.

Without thinking, I reach into my shoulder bag and pull out my cell phone. I pull out the contact I put in weeks ago and swallow the lump in my throat. I press call.

It rings. I bite my bottom lip. It rings more. I chew layers of skin off my mouth.

Voicemail.

I don't know what I was expecting, but maybe not this.

"Hello, this is Sam Uley's house..."

Even through a telephone, his voice is deep and sturdy. I suck in all the air I can manage through my lungs. With a quick glance into the hallway, I confirm Jessica isn't coming back yet.

"Hi. Um, it's Bella. I don't know if you'd want to, maybe, meet me at a party?" The last bit comes out exceedingly rushed, but I force myself to continue. "I won't be drinking or anything tonight, so you know. You don't have to come, but I'll give you the address anyway. If, maybe, you do."

After I hang up, my heart refuses to slow down in my chest, fluttering like a butterfly about to take flight. All my limbs grow warm. The warmth spreads.

We rush out her backdoor without making any more sound than the hinges squeaking. Evidently, it's always unlocked. Jessica's father keeps enough hidden guns around the house that they don't feel the need to lock up the place. If I wasn't burdened with secrets, I tell her that locks probably wouldn't do any good against the real threatening creatures out in the world anyway.

But Jessica loops her arm in mine and we manage to laugh throughout the mile-long trek to a stranger's house. Almost normal.

 

 

 

 

 

The windows of the house are boarded up. My first instinct is to think of how creepy this place is. Maybe if I paid more attention to Forks' neighborhoods, I know this address was on the bad side of town.

I bite the inside of my cheek. I think of Sam knowing this detail and choosing not to come. But I can't think about that right now. There are a million reasons why he wouldn't anyway.

Inside, the lights are blaring. Shifting between red, blue, green, and the basic yellow-white hue that lights up hospitals. I hate hospitals. It's disorientating. I almost want to insist to Jessica that we leave upon entering the living room.

What looks to be a small-sized DJ booth entertains a group of people across the largest space. They huddle together and move in tandem. The way their movements copy one another and respond to each musical note strikes me as cult-like. A single organism existing in this home composed of individuals willing to give up their ability to act alone in favor of group acceptance. In the back of my mind, I think I've seen this somewhere else before.

Jessica yanks me by my elbow so I can't spend the entire night staring at them. Probably the right decision. She takes us to the kitchen where some older guys stand around the expensive marble island with red solo cups in hand. Baseball hats turned backward and tie-dye t-shirts.

She gets to work popping off the caps to beer bottles and signals to offer me one. I don't personally understand the need to put the drink in another container when the glass bottle holds the liquid just fine. But I don't understand a lot of partying or drinking habits.

I shake my head, "Uh, probably not tonight." I won't tell her the reason why.

For her part, Jessica just shrugs and then lights up when a tall guy enters the room, "Hey, Aaron!" They hug and I squeeze my eyes trying to gauge the mood happening here. She's almost glowing in this guy's presence. "This is Bella, also from school." A giggle at the end.

He reaches out with his right hand and I shake it. His grip is tight and I'm two seconds away from pulling back when he finally does release me. The way his eyes darken as he looks down at me immediately gives me a dark impression. Jessica is barely my friend, but certainly, she deserves effort on my part to get her away from this guy.

"Another high schooler," he grins. The little contents that are in my stomach rise to my throat.

I stare at him in disgust, not even caring if he can see my expression through the obstructing lights. Jessica just beams up at him and twirls her fingers through her hair. She can't possibly be attracted to someone like this.

After they chat for a few minutes, without acknowledging me or my glare of repulsion, Jessica pulls me aside and asks if I'll be okay by myself for some time. I agree, anything to get away from these people.

I sit down on the edge of a black couch while people make out and dance around me.

The hours tick by.

Each time the door opens and new people pour in, I obsessively scan their faces. Not him this time. Probably not anytime really.

But my stomach clenches and excitement still produces goosebumps on my flesh each time I think someone could be him. The sour feeling of disappointment comes immediately after.

 

 

 

 

 

Edward's obsidian eyes look at me in hunger. I keep turning my back to him, but he finds a way to sneak around.

When he forces my gaze, I can see truth plainly written on his features. No one is coming for me, no one loves me.

But I wish he did.

"I could have loved you forever," I tell him.

He doesn't care.

My eyes water, but I don't let any liquid spill down my cheeks while surrounded by strangers.

Sometimes, Jessica's laughter is loud enough that I hear it across all the rooms. Perhaps I'm just most attuned to it, however.

I worry my lip until it feels raw. I only stop because the sight of it probably adds to my unattractiveness.

 

 

 

 

 

"Looking for someone?" a low voice purrs in my ear.

Aaron slides on the armchair of the couch so that he crowds my personal space. He looks at me with contemplation, but not the scientific kind. The kind James looked at me with: analyzing prey.

"No," I say sharply. I hold myself up high.

But then in looking at him, Aaron's face changes into Edward's. Bile rises in my esophagus. It's an expression of pure evil. The morphed man cocks his head at me as he realizes I am looking through him. Yet, it's Edward's features that remain angry and disturbed. He wants to harm me. Edward or the stranger in front of me. I am being marked to be killed; bitten and tossed aside.

I realize I need to get away from this man. Right. Now.

I push myself off the couch in a less-than-smooth manner, scrambling to my feet as I dart to a corner on the other side of the house.

The only thing that will prevent that stare from continuing to haunt my mind is to keep my eyes shut. I squeeze them so tight they burn and leak from the outside corners. My chest rapidly rises and falls. I don't think I'm getting enough oxygen. I'm going to suffocate.

I shudder and cry for a long time. Alone.

 

 

 

 

 

The smell of weed hits my nose. It causes my mouth to water. I search for the source. A large bong, like the type my dealers' use near me. But they're safer people, I hope. Even if they let me mix sedatives without warning.

Still, the need for present relief courses through me.

I take another glance through the crowd. Still nothing.

He's not going to come. Might as well do something interesting instead.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm on my second beer when everyone stands up to yell 'Happy New Year!' There's no one around me to smash my cup into, to hug, or to kiss. I still try to take a long sip to usher in better times ahead of me. But I don't believe it.

 

 

 

 

 

It's when I see Jessica rubbing up against Aaron, that I slam my cup down on the counter and rush up the stairs of this unfamiliar house.

There's horror, repugnance, and general self-hatred pulsing through me. After seeing Edward's face on Aaron's, I won't approach the guy again. Even if that means letting Jessica fall victim to his false niceties. I hope she knows what he's after and consequently doesn't mind it.

The upstairs of the house isn't filled with as many people, fortunately. And I'm smart enough to not push through any closed doors. I find the bathroom easily enough.

Doubled over on the counter, I run my hands through my hair and try to steady my breathing once again. So many feelings inside of me that I can't handle. They merge until I'm almost as numb as I was right when Edward left.

I see his face in the corner of the mirror. I won't look. I won't.

One emotion still emerges in me. Regret.

Regret of just about everything. That I didn't make a good enough case for the Cullen's to want to keep me. That I don't know how to talk to friends or Charlie or anyone. That I decided to come to this stupid party. That I called someone only interested in chastising my choices.

I brush down my sweaty hair and try to be strong. I'm not any good at it, I know. But staying in this bathroom all night when other people may need it isn't an option. I'm not valuable enough to take up this space.

I'm going to march down these stairs and tell Jessica I'm leaving. I can make it back to her house without her. It's the right thing to do.

 

 

 

 

 

I hit something. Hard and immobile. But warm and unthreatening.

Hands wrap around my shoulders and pull me up from falling on the ground. I don't focus on anything but the swooshing sound ringing in my ears from the sudden movement. Vertigo comes, maybe from the collision or maybe from the drinking. But I still make myself look to see who I hit and apologize.

Sam.

My breath leaves my lungs. He came.

A flood of a thousand little thoughts goes through my head. Surprise tingles each one of my fingertips. I thought he gave up on me. I was certain he had. There wouldn't even have to be a grand reason for it; I know I'm a mess. But he's here anyway. Looking at me with the same stern expression he always shows.

There's nothing else in this house. The flashing lights fade away from my vision and the only thing I see is right in front of me. No more sounds of constant conversation or drunken bickering, only one true thing.

"You're who I've been looking for," I blurt out.

The confession ripples through us both. His eyes grow just a bit softer. Maybe he's here to take me away. That wouldn't be so bad. If only there wasn't such a desperate, strange need spreading down my body. Desperate for something I can't name. Something that feels so familiar and foreign.

He stares at me, waiting for me to move. I don't hesitate.

My fingers brush up against his cheek. His skin is boiling. The roughness of slowly growing facial hair tickles my thumb. Though the lights continue to cloud my vision, I imagine Sam's eyes flutter close at my contact. There's a fiery warmth shooting through my body as I continue to look at him. A gradually amplifying type of panic I've never experienced before, pooling at the very core of my being.

And even though the ghost of Edward Cullen watches, even though I don't understand why I'm so propelled to be near Sam right now, even though I actually don't know what I'm doing at all...

I reach up and kiss him.

Notes:

Another Bella chapter that took me a while to write...but there is content coming next chapter to make up for where I left it here! I will hurriedly get that done so y'all can yell at me when it's released! Thanks for reading!

Chapter 11: Sam Part Six

Summary:

"First we feel. Then we fall." ― James Joyce

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There are going to be more vampires.

The thought hits me acutely when I wake up on the last day of 2005. It's another one of those certainties I've come to stop fighting.

It's still a crushing feeling. The freeing rage and subsequent success in devouring the dark-skinned vampire still do not alleviate the creeping suspicion that we are all in over our heads. There are only four of us, but I go through ten battle planning positions before I get out of bed. If I let myself think anymore, I might not get up for the rest of the day.

I decided to be generous for the holiday and allow all of us to attend the New Year's beach party tonight. But there remain shifts to complete throughout the day beforehand. Since Embry is still so new, I let him sleep in today before he'll too need to wake up at the crack of dawn before school. I also didn't feel particularly compelled to pair him with Paul, so it's my responsibility to join him today. Yet, with my anxiety about potential attacks upcoming, I ought to be speaking to the more experienced members.

Well, I can save it for tonight, I suppose. No other plans.

Embry is anxious to do something fun tonight. I can see his thoughts buzzing around wanting to see his old friends. I try not to dampen his mood despite knowing those close to him won't be entirely receptive to his change. Short hair and a giant tattoo will cause raised eyebrows from even the most close of relationships. There are enough memories of parents demanding explanations between the four of us to go around.

I let the poor kid off early. His constant shaking from excitement to finally have a break away from pack responsibilities became too great a distraction for me. It's probably best I go deeper into the surrounding forest alone anyway.

I know what I'm looking for, but I don't know if I'll find it. The smell of a rotting vampire is a hard one to forget. Perhaps broken trees, crushed boulders, or anything extraordinary would be evidence of a recent infestation. Unlike them, our form is meant to blend with our environment, become a part of it. Nothing here indicates a Cold One's presence. I don't even smell the fresh blood of a mauled hiker.

There's hardly a point in sticking around hours after I need to. There's a party I'm meant to be a guest at. Fortunately, I had the foresight to tell the others to wear full clothes to this. It would be hugely suspicious if we wore only shorts in the middle of winter.

I turn to leave. For a second there's a flash of something orange in front of me. But I blink and it's gone.

The beach is slowly filled with people. Many who I've hardly seen in a year. Many who talk about me without knowing I can listen. It's stopped bothering me. I've hurt enough people close up to care about the grievances of passerbyers.

However, the smell of potluck food does elicit some joy out of my current mood. Never a day where I'll turn down a full meal. Especially since eating is a good way to get out of talking to people.

But there comes a time after I've sufficiently stuffed myself that I must acknowledge what else I need to do here. Catching Jared's eye, I make a motion to call him over and away from his girlfriend. He follows wordlessly and without question.

I tell him what I believe.

"You're out of your mind," Jared laughs at me. "I haven't smelt a leech since the one. You really think there's going to be more?"

"The legends suggest they might be pack animals too," I counter. "I find a solitary one unlikely."

Paul decides to join us at that moment, flinging his arm around Jared's shoulders and trying to rub his hair. Jared throws him off while Paul just shrugs and takes a sip out of a beer bottle. My eyes narrow. We'll talk about this later.

"What's this about solitary things?" Paul winks.

I almost roll my eyes. I hardly need laughing at my expense for not being paired off with a woman. As if I could do that to Bella.

"I want our patrols to extend deeper into the woods," I tell them both. "Try to catch a whiff of something that lets us know if this area is being hunted."

"Man, we're the hunters. We can easily kill one of those freaks," Paul chides.

"Take the threat seriously. The spirits have gifted us these powers because the Cold Ones are so dangerous. We have a whole tribe to protect."

Neither has anything to say about that. I catch Paul and Jared both wistfully looking out at the beach where their girlfriends gather. Seeing Emily smile while holding her hair down in the wind as she talks to Kim pierces my chest.

"Well, get out of here," I add. "Nothing can be done about it tonight. Go enjoy the festivities."

Paul doesn't wait for any more orders before he scammers back to Emily. He kicks the sand near them as he approaches causing them to squeal. I peel my eyes away at that moment.

But Jared still lingers around to look at me, "Are you worried it's about her?"

My mouth dries and I look back at the ocean extending into the horizon. The sunlight is almost all gone at this point.

"It wasn't safe for her to hang around a coven of them for so long. It could have been noticed by others."

He nods, and then grips my shoulder tightly with one hand, "But she's got you now to look after her."

"I suppose."

Even Jared finds hanging around my depressive state to be too much. Especially when his own imprint calls his attention. They sit around and laugh. Embry even joins with a soccer ball and challenges Paul to a game.

As the night drags on, my body grows even more restless and uncomfortable. My mom continually tries to get me to talk, brings around her old friends, but my head is too gone for any conversation to go far. She looks at me curiously and then shakes her head as she leaves. Great, I know she's got me painted as a lovesick puppy.

I sit down on a log and nurse a beer that barely affects my cognition. I was never big on drinking before, but perhaps increased tolerance is just another one of those things I must now accept. It's not like I want to be drunk exactly, just distracted.

"Son," a rough voice comes up behind me.

I purse my lips. Have I actually been so distracted by thinking of someone I shouldn't that I ignored the sounds of someone approaching? Being snuck up on happens too rarely these days.

Billy Black looks at me. I can't say he's looking down since his wheelchair is at my sitting height, but once again, his knowing gaze renders me minuscule.

"Billy," I nod.

He sighs but says nothing else to me. We both watch the tribal people enjoying themselves as the incoming New Year approaches. Jacob and Quil have shrugged off Embry more times than I can count now, and the kid is starting to feel resentment. But he's always welcomed back by Jared and Paul. Seth joins Jacob while Leah sits alone by her mother and father. Sometimes, I think, she looks over at me. I won't look long enough to confirm it.

"Either your son or the Ateara boy will be next," I decide to say.

Billy nods, "I believe you will be right. This season is not over."

I turn to look at him fully. Perhaps to imbue the seriousness that I feel or perhaps to beg for another person to believe me.

"No, it's barely begun."

 

 

 

 

 

When the illegal fireworks explode in the sky, the cheering of the crowds can be heard for miles. Little kids spin sparklers around in circles. Many women are lifted atop the shoulders of strong men to clap loudly. The celebration never enters my body, however. The part of myself that is missing demands my attention. It demands comparison to the happiness of everyone else. Ultimately, it demands I try harder for her.

I find myself leaving early. I make the excuse of needing to patrol early for those who'll ask, but not many press me to stay. It's another disappointment in itself. I can't be that surprised, however, when I've been on guard the whole night and not particularly approachable.

The walk home feels sort of shameful. That I shouldn't be walking home alone, is the problem. I look at the van parked near my house. I don't think I really used it since going to the Swan house. I grind my teeth. The air in my house feels more stuffy than usual. I look around. There's a message on my answering machine.

Her voice is angelic: "Hi. Um, it's Bella. I don't know if you'd want to, maybe, meet me at a party? I won't be drinking or anything tonight, so you know. You don't have to come, but I'll give you the address anyway. If, maybe, you do."

Oh, yes, I do.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not a fan of high school/early-college-life parties. Nothing with lights and probably a thousand different types of happy pills. I wonder if Bella will keep to her word about staying sober.

Even in a 'relaxed' environment, I still get a lot of people eyeing me suspiciously. Towering over most people by over a foot puts me at the center of attention for many uncomfortable moments. Even the particularly tall and lean guys look small against me due to their lack of muscle mass. I'm sure people are quickly wondering what I'm doing here. I ignore them. I am, in fact, here for only one person.

I see her dart across the room and jog up the stairs. She looks pained, but she hasn't noticed me yet.

Even if I called out to her, she probably wouldn't hear over the music. Or be able to reach me easily through the crowd of dancing fools.

I wait a bit to see if she's coming back down, but then I decide against lurking on the bottom floor. Only now upon thinking about it does it seem she was trying to get away from someone. I won't leave her unguarded in this place. Not one person here seems trustworthy.

As what always happens when I'm close to her, my nerves begin to sizzle. I grip the handrail up the stairs and step over barely-legal couples making out. I hear the clicking of a door open. She's emerging from the bathroom and keeping her head down as she scurries to head down the stairs again, not looking at anything.

She smashes right into me. I don't move a bit from her impact, but I'm not sure she's noticed.

"Bella," I say. She doesn't hear me.

I put my hands around her shoulders and lift her easily so she's not stumbling over her feet. Holding her for the briefest of seconds makes me notice just how small and frail she is. I can't imagine this is a good weight to be at.

She pulls back, eyes blinking wearily as she registers she's slammed into me. Her expression is a mix of drunken confusion and sober realization.

The juxtaposition of it all makes me swallow, hard. I don't think I've ever seen her so beautiful.

And then she stands on her toes to cup my face with her small hands. It's electrifying. I don't know how to react. I let the current of contact spread throughout my face.

"You're who I've been looking for," she tells me. Her voice is deep and the flutter of her eyelashes sends me reeling. She seems surprised by her own words.

She stands up on her toes. Her lips brush against mine, almost tentative. She's kissing me. Her movement is chaste and timid. But if she's here, willing to be near me like this, she is perhaps desiring more. My body shudders at the realization.

The hallway lights flicker from the excess electricity used below. The music still blares, but my hearing focuses on her breath only. All my senses honed to just her. Like it's meant to be.

I'll let her use the level of pressure she wants for these first seconds. I'm still too stunned to do much else. But if she lets me, I will show her how to properly kiss a man.

Bella stops to look at me; watches my reaction to her. Her mouth parts open, waiting for me to yell or chastise her. The sizzling nerves inside of me tell me I want to do neither.

The split-second it takes for me to affirm she isn't pulling back from our physical contact is all I need. I clutch her waist and pull her to me. Bella squeaks but doesn't struggle. She relaxes once we're pressed firmly together. It's the most dazzling experience after waiting so long for her to even like me. Exactly what the bond needs and she doesn't even know it.

Though, she may be able to feel it.

My mouth works on its own to push deeper against her and with her hand reaching up to tangle itself in my hair, I'm absolutely on fire.

It's the best kiss of my life and it's only lasted thirty seconds. I'll ensure it goes on longer. Have to.

I suck on her bottom lip and she gasps but lets me do it. My teeth graze against the soft flesh and the desire to sink into her, to claim her, fills me full. For a moment, I imagine Edward Cullen fighting the urge to rip her whole face off when they kissed. I growl. In part because of jealousy, and worry, and also due to the immediate desire right in front of me.

Bella learns to kiss back harder and I welcome her advances. She licks my lips and the inside of my mouth. For technique, it isn't perfect, but I might never feel a sensation as amazing as this ever again. So I don't let go. I don't know how I've been able to these past months.

She's struggling to hold herself up high to meet me. I can feel her legs wobble as her feet crave to be flat against the floor. The solution has never been more apparent. I lift her up, or she jumps up, until her legs wrap around my waist and I'm clutching her as close as possible. She's got to be able to feel me at this point.

I am unbelievably hard right now.

It's like she sinks into me. The friction shoots straight to my spin and she almost dances while hugging to my lap. I'm growling more at this point. I've got to reign it in or she'll think I'm a complete animal. And I'll not have her thinking anything of the sort.

But Bella Swan is making it almost impossible. She pulls back again for just a moment to let me see her impossibly large, brown eyes. Her pupils nearly cover her whole iris. I know what that means. That hunger finds itself pooling inside of my stomach as well.

I realize we can't just make out on the top of the stairs like this. I could hold her on top of me easily, but giving her privacy is the most decent thing to do. And if I'm honest with myself, I don't want anyone else seeing my imprint like this. It's for us, alone.

I squeeze her ass while I walk with her in my arms. The way her yelps dissolve onto my lips is sending me into an untamable frenzy. I should warn her, tell her to stop. But then I smell it and feel it when she presses her center against my navel. Arousal.

My mind is gone.

I'm carrying her into the nearest empty room I find.

Without warning, I push her onto the side of the wall just before the door. My fingers graze her thighs until I'm pulling her skirt up beyond what's reasonably decent. I'm kissing her neck until she's moaning louder than I can hear the music. I'll suck and I'll bite until she screams.

She pulls back once again and my stomach almost sinks.

But a small, shy smile spreads across her face. And I'm devouring her lips once again.

We're going into the room now. Maybe there's a bed, a couch, I don't notice. I slam the door shut and nearly throw her onto the dresser by the wall. Not gentle but not rough. It's the perfect height for her to sit on while I stand to grind against her. She moves in tandem.

"Tell me to stop," I make out. My breaths are uneven, like the moment after phasing back into a human. Perpetually stuck in an adrenaline high. I'm addicted.

She says nothing but moves to lick the muscles on my shoulders while digging her fingers into the top of my shirt.

I lay my hands on top of her and help her to rip the damn thing off me. It might be another poor choice, but I've lost enough clothes already to not mourn the loss. It does fill me with pride to see the shock and awe on her face about the quick strength I possess.

But I silence those thoughts with more pressure against her lips. They've swelled up already.

With a rare moment of bravery, she guides my hands to her hips to help her take off the constricting skirt. I am more than happy to oblige. The hideous thing is discarded on the floor before she realizes it.

I lift her shirt over her head as well. She positions her arms to allow easy removal of this article. When it's gone, I hug her tightly and nibble again at the apex of her throat and shoulder. She groans loudly. Perhaps it's teasing. I smirk at that.

She hugs me back, carving into my back muscles. I don't know if she's trying not to hurt me, or unable to hold on tightly with her limited strength. But I feel her own arm muscles spasm while trying to move me closer.

Unhooking her bra, I move back to look at her chest exposed. Her face turns red and she looks like she wants to bury herself in her hair.

But, she's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Her small but perky breasts fit into the cups of my hands perfectly. Made for each other.

I lower myself to meet my mouth with her right areola. I give a long lick. She moans in shock. I wonder if she's contemplated touching herself in this manner. I twist her nipples between my teeth and tug gently. Like trying to remove it from her chest, but never actually doing so. Her moans ring in my ears. I tug harder with my teeth.

When Bella is sufficiently writhing from my contact, I notice her smell growing between us. I growl into her chest and find myself needing to pull back.

Now just in her panties, Bella presses her thighs together. I won't have that. I move a hand between them and push them away, wide so I can see. There's a growing wet stain coming through the blue material. I'm going to pop the zipper off my pants.

With the lightest of touches, I run a finger up and down the area. The sound coming from her is new. A new altar for me to pray to.

I can't extend this torture any longer. For both of us, I pull her panties down her legs and also let them fall on this stranger's bedroom.

She's red all over her body. No need to be embarrassed, my love. Do you know how long I've wanted to see you like this? Shivering like you're mine.

Reaching for the protruding spot above her labia, I press my index into her clit, hard enough for her to squeal so loudly it's bound to be heard outside this door. Her legs begin to shake at my circling movements. But I want to be even closer to her while I extend her pleasure.

I dip a single finger inside her core. She is so hot and tight and all-consuming. Fiery warmth extends from my hand up my arm and blurs my vision. It finds its way down to the edges of my toes. If I thought I knew fire before, it is nothing compared to this.

It's only when she's bucking her hips against mine that I realize I need to move to increase her pleasure. I gently curl my finger to search for the bundle of nerves deep within. She shudders at my repositioning, clawing at my shoulders like she's never experienced such a sensation.

I tell myself that it's the imprint. She doesn't know why it feels so amazing for both of us, but I can hardly complain at the moment. I begin to thrust with my hand, thumbing her clit while I do so. My Bella's eyes roll back in her head and she spasms like a person hit with a hot iron might. She does an exceptional job of wanting to fight the intensity and tugging me closer. My mind fills with nothing but the single thought to push her to the edge and send her flying over.

God, if this is how it feels to have a single finger inside of her...my teeth grind together and my cock twitches desperately in my pants.

She's close. I decide immediately I'm not going to let her come without putting another finger inside of her. Maybe to maximize the surface area of my skin being swallowed by hers. Maybe to send an angel pulsating against the wall with her arms spread wide like wings and mouth agape singing at a pitch so high it's silent to even me.

Fly for me, Bella.

She does.

Her walls clench down on my fingers and she bucks against my hand like she needs me to release her from this moment of death right away. I force her to ride it out with my hand still buried between her thighs.

Still lightly touching her clit with my thumb, I feel it spasm too underneath my skin. The white-hot pleasure echoing in her mind plasters itself directly on top of me. Nothing like this has ever happened before. I stop breathing entirely. Am I feeling her orgasm bounce around in my own body?

My balls tighten. I haven't considered myself able to ever finish in my pants without contact since I've been fourteen. She makes me feel ageless and vulnerable. The white behind my vision blinds everything in me for many moments.

When she comes down, I slowly remove my two fingers from her center. Hot and dripping wet, I bring my hand to my nose to smell them. She watches me, paralyzed from her climax and unsure of my intentions.

The scent will stay in my memory for decades. My mouth waters at the thought of what mixing our scents will be like. Infinity.

I match her eye contact and she tries to blush and look away. With my left hand, I tilt her chin back towards me. I make her watch. I take my two wet fingers and slowly drag them across her body, starting from her left thigh, up towards her belly button, and then just below her left areola. The moisture leaves a visible trail on her skin. I clamp down on her nipple and squeeze until she once again gasps and closes her own eyes.

Releasing her chin, I now use both of my hands to pinch her nipples until she wails and arches her back against the wall. The dress shakes for her sudden jerk forward.

Surprising me once again, Bella reaches for my pants and palms the bulge in the material. I hiss through my teeth. She's going to destroy me. She knows it. That's why she reaches for my zipper. Her struggles propel me to let go of her flesh and help with the unbuttoning and removal of my pants.

When I'm bare in front of her, she looks down at my cock pointed towards her. Her pupils cover her entire iris but she doesn't make a strong expression one way or another. There's a surge of insecurity present in my shoulders. But that's eliminated once she reaches forward to timidly hold my dick.

I lean forward to growl in her ear and hear her shiver from it. I'm seeing stars.

But her lack of confidence gets the best of her. Bella's hand goes limp and she focuses on my shaft more than anything else. I can't help the groan of frustration that escapes. However, I won't have her feeling inadequate, especially not when I see how small her hand looks on me.

I guide her hand on my cock, telling her how to touch me since she seems to want to. We work from the mid part of my shaft to the tip, making sure the skin rubs up on the glans. Pinpricks of pleasure and pain reach my head. I'm just about thrusting against her thighs with both of us guiding the movement.

Again, I circle her clit with a free hand, still leaning against her. The wetness continues to pool on the edge of the dresser. I almost feel sorry for the fucker who owns this house. I try to position us so that the moisture coming from her drips onto me.

I can feel a slow build-up in my spine, but not enough. I won't push her into anything she doesn't want. But she does want it. She pulls back from our vulgar hug and looks at me with large brown eyes. She moves her thighs further apart.

My jaw goes slack.

She nods, telling me what she wants.

Despite the go-ahead, I'm hesitant. I know my size could hurt her. I still wonder if she knows what she's asking for, or if she's following the same tribal magic that I am that guides me to her. That cements my position in life as being one meant for her benefit.

Bella grips my shoulders to pull me closer.

Even positioning myself at her entrance elicits a cry of desperation from her lips. Trust me, Bella, it's in me too.

There's no reason not to delay what we both want. Not when she's writhing below me and my cock aches with the need to be surrounded by those walls I felt on my finger minutes ago.

 

 

 

 

 

And Hell. Holy Hell.

 

 

 

 

 

She clenches around me.

For a second, every nerve in my body loses feeling. Then it all comes back to me. I'm paralyzed, but desperate to move.

Only with her moans do I try to grind within her.

It doesn't take long for these swallow movements to burst into an unwavering madness, calling me to a void I didn't know existed.

Thrusting into her has never taken me closer to God. I'm bathed in holiness. I'm right next to righteousness. And I'm capable of being forgiven. For my mom, Leah, Emily, everything. The thought brings hot tears to my eyes.

At this moment, I am worthy.

 

 

 

 

 

It's my duty to make her feel the same.

"You're perfect," I tell her.

She cries out in a mix of agony and ecstasy.

"I swear it," my own voice wavering with the sheer awe that this is even happening.

Bella shudders and squeezes her eyes shut.

I cup her face and try to get her to look at me, but she's too far gone. I'm getting very close myself. Each movement inside of her reignites what the imprint first felt like. Our souls wrap together as I hook her legs tighter around me to slide in even deeper.

The new depth causes the sounds Bella's been making the whole time to disappear from her lips. It's as if the effort to do anything but shake in pleasure has stolen her voice. That's fine. It's taken mine as well.

I'll come soon. I let go of one of her legs, but she keeps it held up for me. Good girl. Now with a free hand, I press down on her clit once more until she explodes a second time underneath me.

This climax sends literal stars across my vision. I'm seeing galaxies die and be reborn. The past and the future collide. Maybe there's hope after all, for the woman beneath me to remain at my side. Maybe she feels it too.

I'm sputtering, hips spasming, thrusting as deep as possible inside the last couple of times before my body shuts down. I slump over on her right shoulder as we both wait for our breathing to balance out.

I'll tell her about the imprint. I will. I'll tell her what she means to me. How neither of us needs to be alone again.

But then I look at her.

Bella is staring off into the corner of the room, her mouth wide from horror. Her eyes giant saucers of shock.

It's such a strange sight that it takes me a couple of moments to realize it's real. She's not joking. And she looks positively terrified.

This whole time, I never stopped to consider what I was doing, beyond the physicality of it all. I didn't stop to think whether this was a good idea. I've been overrun by instinct, thanks to the fucking imprint that it feels like neither of us had much of a choice in the matter. My stomach sinks further when I realize I could have just taken advantage of a very emotionally compromised person who didn't understand what she was agreeing to.

She still doesn't look at me.

I tighten my hands around her shoulders, to try to pull her out of her slumber.

Bella starts to mumble something, so I lean in closer to hear.

I can only make out gibberish.

Despite our recent intimacy, I feel like a brute for getting any closer. I tell myself she could be trying to communicate pain or something else important. I need to listen to what she needs, perhaps try to explain myself for my actions.

But the whispers coming from her mouth only sound like, "Eh...eh…"

I realize immediately what she's trying to say. Whose name still lingers on her lips.

I release her, letting her back fall gently against the wall, still naked on top of the dresser. She says it again, and again. Stone armor spreads around my body, sheltering me from the implication of her true desires and what little she really feels for me.

There's suddenly no feeling left inside of me. I gather all of my clothes and leave her there.

Notes:

: O

I know, I know! To leave it off here, with so much heartbreak, I'm terrible! I do hope the long amount of sexiness makes up for it. But ultimately Bella and Sam still have a long way to go with each other and hooking up doesn't necessarily solve that. They will be endgame though! I just have to make it torturous to get there hehehe...pls don't kill me!

Chapter 12: Bella Part Six

Summary:

“Life did not stop, and one had to live.” ― Leo Tolstoy

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

He's gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Minutes tick by to signal the nearing end of English class. The first week of the last semester of high school still proves to be exceedingly dull. Macbeth is set to be the highlight. I remember reading it many times while bored in middle school. Don't listen to your wife when she says to kill someone. Easy enough.

I run into Angela in the hallway and give her a cheery smile. She seems a bit taken aback by my extra effort to be nice. But she's receptive, as always.

Listening to her troubles with Eric seems the least I can do for someone I've tended not to particularly care about in a meaningful way. It seems those instances of absent reciprocity are standing out to me more than ever before.

But Jessica joins and my stomach sinks. I work to put a happy expression back on my face.

Too soon, Angela excuses herself to catch up with her fickle boyfriend running down the hall without paying her much attention. I twist my body sideways to look as if I'm going to walk away myself, but Jessica maneuvers herself easily between me and the row of lockers.

"Are you doing okay, Bella?" she asks with one eyebrow raised at me. "We haven't really talked after the party…"

"Never better. Healthy as a horse, actually," I cut her off and make sure a smile reaches my eyes.

It's not true. I know there are budding dark circles underneath my eyes and nausea building in the back of my throat. But my hair is brushed and bouncy today and I'm wearing brighter colors. I look better than I did all last semester.

Still, Jessica tilts her head at me and searches my face for some hidden truth. She won't find it. I keep smiling. Ultimately, she's made to stop and just shrugs.

"Well, okay. Let me know if you need anything, okay?" Her tone indicates she's giving me one last chance here to come clean.

"Thanks!" I exclaim. "But I'd rather talk about how you're doing with your college applications so far. I might need some help with mine."

She can't resist the cue. Jessica's normal attitude resumes. As long as she isn't focused on me, I'll listen to anything. Even if my current thoughts about college most circle around finding myself alone in a dorm with the blinds drawn and no one to rescue me.

 

 

 

 

 

I carry the empty Altoid tin with me. When my mind grows weaker, I rub it through my pocket and try to remember. He's gone and won't come back. It doesn't help to cope with substances.

 

 

 

 

 

It seems that college is also the talk of my home life. Charlie greets me at the dining table with a grunt as he stews over various school brochures. Community colleges, in-state, out-of-state. The memory of Carlisle saying he would be happy to send me anywhere I want hits me full force. But it's surprisingly much easier to push back than it has been.

"It's gotten more expensive since your mom and I went, Bells," Charlie tells me. He flickers between blue pamphlets and red ones.

"Inflation," I respond.

He nods.

I can see the gears in his mind spinning. He's calculating costs. It's the number one factor of consideration, after all. Even with Renee and Phil's money, too many places are out of budget. Frankly, saving money by spending the first couple years at a community college seems the most prudent of options.

"I'll probably get a few scholarships, Dad," I try to say. It's not much to ease his worry, but hopefully, he's considering that as well.

His dark eyes finally meet mine, "I know. I just want you to have the best possible. Your mom does too."

I shake my head, "I don't want the best, really. Just maybe something to get a stable career, you know?"

Charlie draws his eyebrows together, "Are you thinking about your options then?"

His tone tells me he's trying to tread lightly around me. Can't blame him after barely responding to most things he said months ago. Maybe he's mentioned something about college and I completely tuned him out. Wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility.

"Everyone at school is, I guess. Working here while I save money by taking classes in Port Angeles isn't the worst idea."

"You still want to stay here?"

I cross my arms over my chest. I can see his belief written plainly on his face. But I am not going to wait forever. I don't have that much time to spare.

"I just want to enjoy the things I haven't noticed before," I offer weakly. A small smile still spreads over my face. It's far from a lie. It might even be the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

Something in me feels changed. Though the water from the showerhead is not an extreme temperature, each droplet surges down to the deepest layers of my flesh. I feel the ghost of hot touches crawl up and down my body. The trembling reaches my eyelids.

 

 

 

 

 

Something, still, calls me to La Push.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't pull up close to their house. If I squint, there's a TV shining through the window, but I could just be seeing things. Instead, I take the time to walk a bit through the dirt. The cold outdoors seem much less harsh here than in Forks. Still, I hold my jacket tightly and keep my head down.

The garage is still full of hunks of scraps and tools sprawled out everywhere. It warms the ache in my chest. I peer around at the things Jacob has been working on, letting my hand glide over the cool metal. The Volkswagen Rabbit sits with its hood popped open. Even though I peer inside, I can't pinpoint anything wrong with it. Perhaps just routine maintenance. He's good about that.

"Hey," the sound of Jake's voice reaches me.

I nearly jump up. But upon spinning around and getting ready to explain myself, Jake's eyes are soft and I lose the nerves

"Hey," I answer back. I tug at the hem of my shirt sleeves.

We stare at each other. A breeze runs through and blows both of our hair to the side.

"How are you doing-" "I stopped-" We talk over each other.

A smile spreads across all of his features. Warmth just rushes to my face. I peek down at the garage floor, "Sorry."

He laughs, the sound deep from his belly, "Don't apologize, Bella. I was just wondering how you are."

I look back up at him, "I, uh, threw out all my stuff, so…"

My voice trails off at the end and instead of making direct eye contact, I look at the rest of his face. His prominent jaw and red skin remind me of someone I'm not yet ready to think about. But the heart of Jake's uniqueness seeps through. The light in his expression and his clef chin are unmistakably the friend I know.

"You did?" There's surprise in his voice.

I shrug and thumb the car again, distracting my aching joints.

"Yeah, I guess, I don't need the pills to run from anything anymore."

"You never did," he says. "But...I am sorry for snapping at you. That was probably the last thing you needed."

"No," I rush out. "Don't be sorry. It did help, you know. I probably could have used a lot more people yelling at me."

He raises an eyebrow at me. But instead of judgment, I know he's questioning whether I'm trying to lie about his impact to make him feel better. I don't have enough time or energy to get into it, though. I don't have enough stability to talk to myself.

"So, you are feeling better?"

A laugh escapes me, "Definitely not. The cravings are awful. I feel nauseous and I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode."

Jake chuckles, "Withdrawals."

"Yep," I bit my lip to refrain from laughing even more. "I didn't realize I was signing up for that."

He takes only two large steps to walk over to me and fling his arm around my shoulder, "Well, let's distract you then. I've still got those bikes back here."

 

 

 

 

 

I buy Jake lots of pizza as payment for his time. He can eat an entire one in about ten minutes. That's with talking to me between bites. I try not to make too many comments about his endless appetite. It's a sinking feeling that I might be embarrassing him.

Tinkering on the bikes makes me happier than I've been in many months. Perhaps close to the happiest I've been since coming to Forks. Setting a goal and working towards it ignites a competitive spirit I didn't know I had within me. I tease Jake about having my bike turn out better than his. He scoffs because he knows he's doing the real work on both of them. But I keep smirking while shining mine with a dirty rag.

I don't think about the things I don't want to think about at all actually. Really, I don't.

 

 

 

 

 

"You know, Bells, I'm not even sure why I was so angry at you," Jacob laughs as he works on something related to the motor for his bike. He squats on the floor of his garage with grease up to his elbows. Later I might offer to get him a towel.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

He shrugs so nonchalantly, "I guess I was just feeling extra angry that day, dunno why. It's been happening sometimes. And then I just smelt the drugs on you and got even more pissed."

A frown works its way onto my face, "Yeah, Jake, how did you smell that?"

"Come on, honey. It was obvious. Basically smelled like you'd been rolling around in blunts."

I shake my head and look away from him while he continues to work. I remember the same confusion creeping up that day. How could someone smell edibles when they're meant to be odorless?

 

 

 

 

 

School continues to be as uninteresting as ever. At least subject matter-wise. The intricacies of how teachers talk and joke with students never stood out to me before. I see their deep smile lines and jokes regarding the forced curriculum in a new light. They're people too, somehow, all struggling in an imperfect world.

I skip down the hall to catch up with Mike just before the lunch period ends.

"Hey, I keep seeing signs around your family's store about needing staff," I say to him. I almost wink to get the point across, but he understands me right away.

He lights up immediately, "Really? You're considering it?"

"Sure, I mean, I could use the extra money and something else to do," I smile at him.

"Well, you're hired!" Mike exclaims and his boyish but friendly attitude proves to be infectious just like Jake's. Have I never noticed this before either? He isn't all bad when he's not trying to hit on me.

"Do you have the authority to do that?" I tease. "Shouldn't I fill out an application or talk to your mom?"

He waves his hand through the air, "Sure, come by tonight. She'll be there around seven. But you'll definitely get the job. Not many other people are applying."

I smile more, "Now I just gotta hope the Chief lets me."

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie does, of course. He's both shocked and pleased I followed through on my suggestion to work to save up funds. He doesn't need to know that half of my money will probably be going to parts for the bikes, however. And more food to satiate Jake.

 

 

 

 

 

Still too slowly for my liking, the weather warms up. I keep bundling up, but there are days Jake only wears a couple of flannels and laughs as if the ice could ever hurt his warm heart. He's kinder to me than I deserve.

He deserves someone who won't try to subtly scoot away each time he gets near. Jake either doesn't notice or doesn't press for contact. I'm thankful either way. It'll help the guilt recede when he forgives me for not wanting to be so close.

"We should go to the scrapyard, Bells," Jacob tells me, wiping sweat from his brow. "I can't save this throttle."

I look at it to discern what's wrong, but I come up empty-handed. "Right."

He gets up to dust himself off effortlessly and I do the same albeit with more stumbles and curses. Jake reaches to hold me up and catches me before I can prove I don't need help. I mumble gratitude under my breath but don't meet his eyes. I can't think about how his touch burns in a distressing way.

"Suppose I'll drive," I laugh to ease some of the tension. He responds in kind quickly and my heart sinks once more. I'm an awful person.

We're able to get what we need there. Jake's haggling with the man on duty saved me a couple bucks. I tell him it'll just go straight back into the pizza fund.

When we leave to go back, Jake examines the new radio in my car. I cringe upon seeing him really take notice of it and internally hope he won't mention it. Life is seldom so fair.

"This is nice," he says. It's not in an enthusiastic 'I wish I had one for myself' kind of way. More of 'this looks expensive but wholly out of place.'

My insides only clench together more. "Yup."

When I feel his eyes boring holes in the back of my skull, willing me to continue, I can only manage a quick "it was a gift" underneath my breath. I don't want to elaborate, not even to explain that it didn't come from the person he thinks it did. Neither of us has a reason to say any of their names now.

Jake and I look out opposite sides of the truck to focus on something other than each other. It's difficult for me to really gaze at the scenery when I'm trying to drive, however.

But then I see it. Four figures on the top of a rocky cliff. I do a few double takes. Their skin is the same russet color that most everyone has on the reservation. But the defining features, the ones I had only seen on one person before, stand out to me like a new kid in a small town. A giant tribal tattoo is on all of their shoulders. And their hair is all cropped short. Large, defined, and threatening muscles clearly evident from the lack of shirts.

The memory of running my fingers over that tattoo slaps me across the face. I have little time to react. Two of the men, and they certainly look that way from this distance with their enormous bodies, throw themselves right off the cliff.

I'm slamming on the breaks. Jake and I both lurch forward in the truck. He has to put his hands out in front of him and brace himself with the dashboard to prevent flying into the window due to his large body mass.

"Jesus!" he hollers at me.

I don't listen, I get out of my truck and slam the door. I'm speeding walking to the group of guys on the mountain.

"Bella, stop!" Jake yells again as I've almost crossed the highway. "They're just cliff-diving!"

I turn back to look at him, flustered and holding the truck door from his side. His hair whips around him furiously.

"Huh?"

He motions hurriedly for me to get back to safety. I give another look towards the group before following his suggestion and dashing back over to my car. Sure enough, another truck drives down the bend in the highway moments later.

"Why are they doing that?" I press.

Jake laughs, "Just for fun, Bella. It's a common thing around here."

I bite my lip, "Well, can I do it?"

I don't know why I ask that, honestly. My urge to throw myself off a building-and thus a cliff-has significantly decreased in the last week.

"You'll freeze in this weather, honey. Plus they're obviously choosing the most dangerous spot to jump from." Jake rolls his eyes on the last part, but I couldn't tell one way or another.

I grip my hands on the steering wheel again and look out straight in front. I don't need to keep thinking of that tattoo.

"Who are they?" I ask, despite knowing I should stay clear of the subject.

It's apparently the wrong question to ask because Jake gets visibly annoyed and shakes his head in frustration. I begin to both regret it and feel the surge of curiosity.

"Sam Uley's cult," he grits out.

"Sam?" the name leaves my lips before I can stop it. Like a flutter of a butterfly's wings, the smallest of touches reverberate in my mind.

"Yeah," Jake rolls his eyes, "the oldest of the group. He recruited Paul and Jared first….then Embry." The last name comes out in a hushed worry.

I know what he means instantly, "But I just saw him not that long ago?"

Jake nods as I decide to finally restart the truck and put us both back on track to his place. The fog continues to gather at the ground, but we speed through it causing the swirling of milky patterns in our wake.

"Embry used to call them the hall monitors," Jake chuckles. "Guess whatever Sam has to say can be pretty convincing."

The last part is bitter, I know that. But a very small voice inside of me agrees wholeheartedly.

"Well," I chew on my thoughts, "What do they do in their cult?"

"Who knows. Can't be drugs since they go around trying to stop that shit everywhere they see it."

I snort.

Jake turns to look at me with a perplexed expression.

"Sorry, just, you know…"

"Right, sorry, Bells. I shouldn't joke about that around you."

"No worries."

As if I could tell the half of it.

We drive in silence for the remaining minutes back to his place. Neither of us wishing to make any awkwardness continue. Perhaps if I hadn't been so abysmally stupid in trying to use different means to escape my reality we wouldn't be in this position today.

But when we stop in front of his garage and get out of my truck, Jacob pauses to look at me with a serious expression on his face.

"I think they're going to come for me next," he admits.

My whole body stills. I don't even see the cloud of breath in front of me.

He swallows, "It's the way they look at me, especially Sam. It's like they're waiting for something...I don't know for what. Maybe for me to break and beg at their feet for acceptance."

"That won't happen," I rush out.

Jake gives a dry laugh, "Embry used to agree."

I find there's nothing appropriate for me to say to that. But something worrying strikes me in the chest when I consider Jake's words and tone. He's afraid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One night I wake up drenched in sweat and remembering Laurent's words to me. I try to convince myself it's just a nightmare. But I keep looking over my shoulder anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm now driving to Jake's every day after school that I don't have a shift at Newton's. Sometimes I get there before he even gets out of his classes. I never go in to talk to Billy though. His judgment, though he works to contain it, is never more than a wrong move away. The additional paranoia of watching him occasionally peer back the curtains to look at us hang out is just another thing that eats at me when I try to sleep.

But I won't mention it to Jake.

He's been too happy lately and I can't take away from that. Whatever anger he said he experienced earlier hasn't surfaced at all with me. Maybe he's just been hypercritical. I should be a better friend and try to remedy that if he needs it.

But today, Jake smiles at me with the widest grin I've seen on him yet. He throws his book bag on the dirty garage floor without a worry or care.

"I've got one of the bikes done," he literally spasms with excitement.

"Really? That's awesome. Let's try it out."

"Me first, Bells. I gotta be the man here and make sure it doesn't hurt the vulnerable lady."

I roll my eyes at him, "You're still sixteen. That is hardly a man."

"But I look it," he winks at me.

And I don't respond because I know he's right. Even hanging out with Jake for a month now has shown me that he really is growing at a rapid weight. I can see the muscles underneath his clothes becoming more and more defined. It reminds me of someone…

The bike he chose for himself is wider than mine but still sleek. Jake's insistent that it isn't all that heavy. And while I've seen much bulkier bikes, I know it still weighs far beyond my capability to move as easily as he does. I chalk it up to testosterone being one hell of a drug.

He mounts the bike and looks back to me to wink in a sly chide. The bike makes a few sputtering sounds of intensity and then he takes off. Jake looks back a few more times before he really accelerates towards the trees.

He yells in enjoyment and clutches the handlebars closer to his chest. I cock my head at him. The simmering emotion of jealousy in me feels slightly misplaced. I search for the reason why it doesn't seem quite right. I should be pissed he isn't giving me the chance to try it out.

The thought that we don't have any helmets hits me the moment he crashes.

One second passes.

Then I scream.

"JAKE."

He's lying on the ground and hasn't gotten up as far as I can see. I take off running towards him. Pumping my legs as fast as I can across the ground. There's only one thing on my mind and that's making sure he's okay.

My lungs burn so bad that I can't scream his name again. Pathetic sounds of terror escape my mouth. I know my body is going to ache so bad tomorrow. I can already feel bile rising in my throat.

Covering the distance he did in thirty seconds on a bike takes significantly longer. I'm panting hard now, but I keep looking at him until he stirs and rolls over. That little bit of relief is enough for me to slow down so my lungs don't explode in the effort to make sure he's alive. He could have a concussion though.

He's clutching his head when I get near him to stop. I fall to his side and look him over for injuries immediately. The redness begins to slowly pour from his temple. It makes my stomach feel all the worse.

"Oh god," I say.

"Uhh," Jake moans. "I figured that might happen."

"What?"

He shrugs and tries to sit up. I wrap my arms around his shoulders to try to pull him up, but his body weight is no comparison to my limp arms. I can feel the defined curves in his back even now.

"The wiring on the bike wasn't perfect yet," he chuckles.

I lightly sock him on the shoulder, but he doesn't even flinch from it, "You're an idiot! How could you do that?"

"It was a 50/50 chance it would work out. That's why I wasn't gonna let you try."

"Jake, this is serious! What would have happened if you got seriously hurt?" I scold, my bottom lip trembling at the thought. Tears gather in the corner of my eyes.

He smiles at him, positively grins in fact. "So you care about me, huh?"

"Of course. You shouldn't even question that," I shake my head, desperately not in the mood to joke when he could have died.

But when I pause to look at him, his eyes are soft and he smiles sweetly at me. Expressions of admiration like this normally aren't so transparent between us. I part my mouth in surprise, not sure how to deal with this.

He swoops forward and gently presses his lips onto mine. Barely there, but there nonetheless. His lips are hot too. But wrong. I feel that down to my bones.

I freeze and then immediately fall back to get away from him. He looks at me in surprise, perhaps both that he did that and that I wanted to get away from him. Yet, he doesn't make any move to try it again.

Now anger bubbles to the surface.

"Why did you do that?" my voice goes low.

His eyes widen even more, "Wha…"

I push myself off the ground and stare down at him cooly. The bit of blood on his head continues to dribble down to his chin. Despite my anger right now, I still don't want to see him injured. I settle for a long put-off route: trying to let him down easy.

"Jake, you know..." I start.

He waves his hand to get me to stop and jumps back up to tower over me. "Don't say it, Bella."

I pause and look at him again. His cheeks have grown redder and he looks more pained than I first realized. The guilt floods my body for having to do this. I don't know how to go about doing this the right way. He's not going to respond well for me

"I'm not ready, you have to know that," I say instead.

It's enough for Jake's eyes to soften just a bit.

"I do know, honey. I just, well, you know how I feel," he explains. Then he looks down, refusing to meet my eyes this time. "I don't even know why I did that."

Too much, too soon. I turn away from him so he doesn't see the shame on my face. I hear him pick up the bike and begin to walk back to the garage ahead of us. I let him lead so I don't feel him staring at me as I walk.

It feels worse than every time I've rejected Mike, even for the most basic of things. And now I'm going to be working with him...but Jake, my best friend these days. The excitement of coming to La Push to see him and work on our bikes. I've ruined it all.

"It's okay, Bella," he turns back to say to me.

I cough, "How do you know what I'm thinking?"

He gives me a sad smile, "I know you too well. I know he is still living in your mind right now."

Jake pauses to let me catch up and then he slides his hand underneath his shirt to rip off a piece of the fabric. I look down to where his abs are exposed and frown. He uses the shirt to wipe off the blood still sliding down his face.

Now, I realize, is not the time to tell him he's wrong. Edward's gone. Though the memory of him remains, I realize a second thing, it's not the thought of him that makes kissing Jake so wrong to me. It's something else.

We sit down on the stools in Jake's garage as he teases me to not tell Billy or Charlie what happened. He knows I won't because my dad would ground me till I'm thirty if he knew I wanted a motorcycle. But the hint of returning joy does not last for long. Jake's face grows serious once more and my stomach clenches again.

"It's all the shit with Sam, Bella," he tells me, barely looking at me.

"Sam," I squeak out. I've said his name again. It feels like I've stepped on a thousand thorns. Painful, but if I look down, it'll make it that much worse.

"I shouldn't use you to make me feel better. Now when you have your own problems to deal with."

"But your my problem too," I say. Then I cringe, "I mean, I care, Jake. I do want to hear about it."

He gives me a sympathetic smile, "I've tried to talk to my dad about it, but he won't hear it. For all he knows, Sam and the others shit rainbows all day long. 'They're good for the tribe,' yeah fucking right."

"But your dad knows you're uncomfortable," I ask.

Jake twirls a wrench in his hands. His knuckles are turning weight.

"I've been told to 'man up' about it."

I nod and stay silent, transfixed on Jake's hand shaking now with the tool in his grasp. I wonder for a split second what kind of damage he could cause if he threw it across the room. But that thought is unfairly paranoid, so it leaves me as soon as it came.

"You just don't know what it's like to be targeted by this guy, Bells."

Jake looks up at me with hard brown eyes.

I swallow something in my throat.

He's right. I don't.

I don't know what it's like to be desired by Sam Uley. The memories of all of our encounters hit me hard. Each time he's had to be annoyed by my actions, or bored enough to return my drunken expressions. Probably was just in the right place at the right time. He probably didn't care much at all.

The memories of that night a month ago are still fuzzy. But I remember the end. I remember gathering my clothes in a hurry and demanding to Jessica that we leave right away. And I never elaborated why.

Panic and sadness explode within me.

 

 

 

 

 

Sam left me. I remember that now. And I remember someone else leaving me beforehand too. Even though it was the last vestige of Edward Cullen still living in my head and everything else remains a frozen memory, I felt relieved. But I won't think about it anymore. His harsh words are finally gone and that's all I need. Honestly.

I don't think of the very corporeal man who left me in that room. He probably doesn't think of me either.

It's probably good he doesn't if he's recruiting teenage boys into a cult anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

I furiously wipe the tears from my eyes. I can't say why I'm crying, but I am. Unfortunately, I'm not quick enough to hide from Jake. He's immediately by my side and offering me a dirty rag, but I shake it away.

"Oh, wow, I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't know this would make you so upset. But don't worry, okay? I'll handle it. It's really more of an annoyance than anything," Jake rambles at me.

But I stand and shake my head again at him. "I think I need to leave now. I'm sorry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say and I speed-walk to my truck, barely managing to turn around to look at his confused and anguished face. We stare at each other again for a moment. I'm grateful for the many yards between us so he can't physically comfort me again. I get in, turn the engine over, and pull out without so much a wave goodbye. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jake's heartbroken face watching me go.

 

 

 

 

 

Later, I tell myself it doesn't hurt and I'm not afraid. If it's a lie, I don't have the energy to fight it.

Notes:

Wow, I meant to have this chapter up yesterday, but the writing was just not working for me last night. Glad it is finally done! This week features a slightly healthier Bella now that hooking up with Sam finally pushed Edward out of her mind. She's still not the best though, of course, but I think she's making effort to live again even if she's still depressed. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 13: Sam Part Seven

Summary:

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ” ― George Carlin

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The contrast between feeling torn in half mentally but being in the best shape physically in months is not a welcome one.

I think of her. Her curves, her heat, the near-silent sounds coming from her lips. And all I want is more of that.

Every nerve in my body feels invigorated from our encounter. I hate it. I crave her, but the cosmic imprint feels satiated at the moment. I can run faster, tear through stronger hides, and command more seamlessly. But inside, inside I feel like death. Bella Swan does not want me. All of the power in the world can't make me feel better from that.

In the days after, I phased alone and took the longest shifts by myself. Jared, Paul, and Embry couldn't tell if I was being generous or secretly planning something. Maybe it was both. Or neither. I couldn't face them when my memories of her were too strong to hide from their minds.

It was also more than that. The threat pooling at the back of my neck would not leave. The long ventures into the woods surrounding the reservation still failed to pick up on anything. I knew something was still coming, however.

But the lack of proof wouldn't get me anywhere with the pack or the elders.

I know the smell of leech. I smelt it enough when I circled as close as possible to the Cullen house on my own. Since their absence, I hadn't thought of it much. Not even when the sole vampire entered our land to attack Bella. The smell stood out, but not as much as the immediate danger to her.

I think I smell it around every corner. It's a burnt, deathly kind of smell. A singe on each one of my nose hairs. When it comes moments before a leech, it's one of the signs that's too obvious to ignore. Now that I don't know if there are any more, however, the slightest hint of that odor causes me to spin around trying to find the source.

Honestly, I spend too much time chasing my own tail these days.

It's that or think too much about Bella Swan.

Rather easily, I resolve to not speak to her again unless absolutely necessary. There's a nagging voice in the back of my head that argues I'm only agreeing to this because I feel better for now. But I don't care. She needs something else than what I can offer her at the moment. Probably wants a whole host of things different from me.

Time passes with me oscillating between trying not to think of her and panicking that the smell of leech is right behind me. Of course, I end up breaking a little bit on one end.

The paranoia of an incoming vampire invasion gets to me. Jared, Paul, and Embry are miles away from being happy with the increased training regime I'm sticking them on. But it's necessary for the time being. We've got to prevent our muscles from atrophy out of sheer laziness, after all. Wolves weren't meant to just trot along in the forest and smell daisies.

They, naturally, don't agree. Not when my side of things involves pushing us to extremes we haven't gone before. But once again, our ability to bounce back surprises even me. Mentally, it's a different story. Paul and Embry question their skills the most, fighting me the hardest on difficult maneuvers before they even try. It causes me to theorize that Jared's contrasted success is tied to his ability to see Kim regularly. And that causes me to think of her.

Pain runs in circles, I've found.

And when I feel her come onto the land, the hope and dread that well up in my chest threaten to destroy me once again. I stare at my house door, at the phone, and the cracks on the goddamn walls to see if it's me she's trying to reach.

But I understand why it isn't, ultimately.

I do at least confirm she's not heading back to the gas station. The relief and annoyance of not getting to see her there cause me to yell at the kids one last time. But seeing them with their tails tucked between their legs as they scamper off provides me no relief. I try to focus on the fact that at least Bella isn't returning to smoke pot with them, but the next thought limits any internal celebration I have for that.

There's only one place else she's going.

I wait until it's the middle of the school day to head over to see the old man. As usual, he's preparing a fishing kit for a weekend getaway, likely with Bella's own father.

It's not that I need to hide my interest in her, per se, but I'd like to keep up the front that the imprint doesn't actually affect me all that much. Which would be a lot easier if Jared could keep his mouth glued shut about Kim. Regardless, as Alpha I know I'm not meant to be a lovestruck puppy all the time. Especially since my last encounter confirmed she does not feel anything like that to me.

Despite all of this, the feeling of her crossing into the land regularly needs to be confirmed for what it is.

"She's coming over often to see him," Billy Black tells me.

I nod.

"They're fixing up motorcycles to use," he adds.

My head jerks up at that.

"That doesn't sound particularly safe."

"Jake knows his way around the tools," the old man chuckles. "He fixed up her truck, you know."

But the burning inside me continues. I want to tell him it doesn't matter, that Bella could still get hurt. I know enough about the statistics of motorcycle accidents to argue against it decently. Then I remember my promise to myself: to stay away from her as much as possible. If I intervene here, she might not return to the rez regularly.

It's another one of those moments that strikes me as disgusting that we are both forced to be near each other for our physical well-being. I don't want to think any more of forcing her to do things or taking advantage of her impulses when she's confused. I should never have kissed her back.

"Let go of the table, son," Billy's voice echoes like it's a mile away though he still sits right next to me.

I look down and see my grip on his coffee table has been so tight my knuckles have become almost translucent. I release the edge and flex the muscles in my hand a few times, letting feeling come back to all the seized-up nerves. It stings but is hardly worth complaining about.

I swallow as I reach Billy's eyes again. He shakes his head at me.

"Does her father approve?" I question.

Billy shrugs, "He probably wouldn't. But that's her business, not mine."

I refrain from gripping the coffee table again.

"Just let them be kids while they can be."

It's not a bad sentiment if I'm honest. But Bella speeding down a highway on a motorcycle and being flung off-road is a hard image to rid my mind of. Worst of all, I imagine not getting there in time. Not even if I'm phased and running at 50 miles an hour. She slips through my fingers, once again.

Despite this train of thought, Billy's words register in the other part of my brain that has been taken up with my duties as a protector of the realm.

I cock an eyebrow at him and try to remain nonchalant, "You do believe the threat is close then?"

Billy sighs and folds his arms over the quilt thrown across him. "I do. But you're having a hell of a time convincing the others. The council has not been happy with your reports of running far past the boundary lines."

"Would they rather I keep dealing with teenage dropouts?" I scoff.

He gives me one of those rare pointed looks that gets me to shut up pretty quickly.

"They are funding you, kid."

Barely.

But it's not a point worth arguing about. I can see his logic anyway. If resources are being spent on protectors guarding this land, they better be actually on the land to guard it. The problem with that, of course, is that the threat won't suddenly materialize right outside the border. It's going to come from a long way off. But the council of elders wants material proof and I've got none.

"I'm going to get the boys more involved," I tell him instead. "More training, more dealing with the people. Maybe even some of the construction projects I keep talking about."

It feels like mindless chatter, but Billy smiles genuinely at my strained efforts.

"A political campaign then. Not the worst of ideas," he snickers at the thought.

"Like you said, 'while we can.'"

His easy expression falls and he regards me more thoughtfully. I know I tower over him, composed of the youth and energy he sometimes alludes to wasting, but I'm again a small child under his stare. I remember that I never did feel this way in front of my own father. Joshua Uley couldn't command momentary respect from being gone so often. Perhaps a lesson to learn with my pack.

"I know you're being serious, Sam, but you should relax yourself."

I stand up and take my leave. Billy wheels himself around to show me to the door. It's best not to linger too long so Jacob and Bella don't catch me here.

"Try to ensure she doesn't fall off the motorcycle," I say.

Billy's eyebrow cocks even higher than moments before. But he regards me more seriously this time. Perhaps the ancient magic of the imprint is more respected than my frayed instincts. It would be the more logical route, however annoying it is to me now.

"I'll tell the boy to try it out himself before he lets her on, alright?" Billy almost rolls his eyes at me, but I hardly care.

"Good."

With my anxiety about that only partially removed, I know I need to get to work on what I promised the old man. It just so happens that more training also coincides with the reasonable steps to prepare for a large, incoming threat.

We run circles around the perimeter of the land, just so I can report to those old fucks that I'm doing my job. It's probably not in my best interest to argue I didn't get a choice with this, but that wouldn't matter to them. I've been chosen by the gods.

As were the others, so they've got to bust their ass just as much.

But they don't believe they can extend their abilities much further than that of just a giant wolf. Sure Jared and Paul both helped me to take down one vampire, but extending that line of thought into being able to take on a whole horde of them proves to be rather difficult. I can tell that they understand some of my battle strategies, but are not convinced of their application. The side eyes of doubt between them rattle me.

There's only so much more frustration I can take. Which feels like a rather selfish statement because I've worked so hard these past years to keep the inner wolf contained in moments of anger. Of course, everything with her is hardly helping.

I take one of my off shifts to go up on the cliffs beside the ocean. I'm not certain what has called me here, but the intense howling of the wind is able to break through my hot skin and make me feel cold for the first time in a long while. I find I like the feeling.

The cold numbs my mind. Numbs it so much in fact, that I can only focus on one memory: I used to cliff dive here. At much lower heights, but I still remember the feeling of freedom jumping in the middle of summer and away from school. I was still dating Leah. She hated seeing me come back drenched.

Well, there's no one in my life to complain now.

I take a glance below. It's many stories high. If a regular person were to jump, they'd be knocked unconscious by the rough impact, or worse. But I'm not regular, am I?

My body moves without much thought and I'm suddenly flying through the air. Only now it's falling. The seconds of descent last forever. I can feel each goosebump forming down my arms and legs. It strikes me that I am afraid, but I've already done it and now I can only wait to hit the bottom.

The water surrounds me like a series of metal spikes enclosing around you as you're stuck in one of those old torture devices. But then the small pain transitions into the feeling of a million bubbles bursting around me. They tickle my flesh and I almost wave my limbs around to push them away, only stopping when I realize that will just create more. So I make myself very still until it's just smooth water around all sides of me.

I think I sink for a while. The lack of body fat on me rid me of buoyancy a long time ago. But my lungs don't yet feel they're about to explode, so I let myself fall.

The water turns a deep green and blue the lower I go. Somehow I know fish are out there, but their instincts would rightfully propel them to hide from me. I'm alone actually. For the first time in a decade, the thought doesn't bother me. I can learn to survive alone. Perhaps finally thrive in it.

Though it has felt like a lie before, I tell myself it should be possible to live without expecting her to reciprocate anything. All I need, really, is just for her to be okay. It doesn't have to be with me.

When my lungs do decide to tell me I'm close to killing myself, I swim upwards and emerge into the atmosphere. It feels like a rebirth of sorts.

I remember scoffing at one of my college courses during the discussion of some old author deciding to move out into the woods and 'live deliberately.' Now I understand a part of that transcendence. The way nature moves through me and with me. It gives me a small, painful burst of hope that maybe we have a chance against whatever is coming.

Immediately, I decide the others must know it too. They don't understand my method right away and thus question my sanity. Sometimes a fair assessment, just not here.

"What are we doing up here, it's freezing!" Embry groans.

I ignore him as I study the surroundings.

The cliffs are jagged and the water below is rough. I know I'm asking them to do something they probably haven't done before. Or at the very least, not at a height this tall and the impact so uncertain. But pushing them to this next extreme will show them that they are more capable than they believe. And my pack needs to believe that about themselves if we're to have any real luck in defeating more leeches.

As the wind howls in our ears, I'm made very aware of the shivers going through Embry and Jared's backs. Though Paul stands characteristically tall, his goosebumps can't be helped either. I take a second and squeeze my eyes shut. I need to be warm to do this as well and I need to show that they can achieve it.

There's only one thing I can think of to bring back that warmth inside of me. It's her skin. Her skin caressing mine. I focus on our embrace more than anything else. It's surprising how much the thought centers me. Despite pulling this memory from an intimate moment, there's nothing sexual in my desires. It's only to be with her, surrounding her, and being surrounded by her. I ignore everything unholy about the imprint to focus on the feeling of rightness. Then miraculously, the winter winds no longer pierce my flesh.

When I open my eyes, the other three are still standing there with cold and confused gestures. Giving each other side glances, I approach them to force their gaze to meet mine.

"Focus," I tell them. "Close your eyes and feel the warmth within you."

They all look apprehensive, but Embry and Jared finally agree to my demands.

"Man, this is stup-"

"Shut it, Paul," I growl.

He too finally straightens his back and closes his eyes. Though they're trying their best to remain like statues, I can tell they need more pushing.

"Imagine a memory of heat. The best you've ever felt," I continue. I surprise myself with how steady my voice is here despite thinking of the one person who can deconstruct me in every possible way. "Focus on that. Focus on every sensation. Pull that warmth into yourself. Feel it spread everywhere in your body."

The immediate relaxation on Jared's face no longer pierces me like a switchblade to the gut. Rather I feel a small well of pride that he's able to follow my instructions. It's either I'm becoming a decent leader or the imprint for him is just as powerful. Hell, it's probably both and I'm telling him how to discover its power even more.

But it makes me wonder if imprinting helps each wolf in some way, why is it so rare?

That question dissipates as I see Embry and Paul hone in on their own sources of heat. Maybe imprints are only needed for the less mentally strong of us. Sure feels like it's meant to make us grow from all the suffering.

All three open their eyes together.

I smirk at them, "Now jump off the cliff."

Jared laughs incredulously and Embry swallows hard as he looks down. But Paul, that fucker might not fear anything reasonable in his life.

"Don't have to tell me twice, boss!" he hollers.

He runs, yipping the entire way and throwing himself off the edge. Seconds later, a large slash and more yelling that he made it. He says something intelligible, perhaps complaining about the water.

Embry, for his credit, cares to rush to the edge and make sure his brother hasn't died. I can see his shoulders slump slightly in relief. Jared and I approach as well.

"Who's next?" I ask.

Jared shrugs while Embry's eyes grow large. He jumps off and reemerges beside Paul.

The two splash each other while yelling for us to join. And I have every intention of fulfilling this request. The youngest wolf, however, seems to be avoiding the push.

Embry looks back at me, full of panic, "I can't do that."

"Yes, you can."

He shakes his head harshly, "No, Sam. I didn't even do it with Jake and Quil. They called me a pussy, but I didn't want to be cut up by the rocks. I still don't!"

"Well, you won't be. You can launch yourself far enough out," I tell him. Our quad and calf muscles are proof enough of that. "And if you do get hurt, you know we heal. There's nothing to fear."

Embry looks back at the ocean and breathes in deeply.

"You'll never know what you're capable of unless you try it."

His eyes shine, and with one approving nod from me, Embry too falls to the depths below. He stays submerged for a long minute, but I see the air bubbles rise to the surface to confirm he's okay. When Embry surfaces, he looks relieved and refreshed. I feel the glow of success infect me too, especially as his Alpha and brother.

There's a pain that hits me in the chest unexpectedly. Instinct tells me to look to the left. From a far distance, I see a red pickup truck on the side of the road and dark brown curls swirling in the wind.

My heart almost breaks through my rib cage. Is she running to us, me?

But Jacob Black gets out of her vehicle and talks her back. It's a blurry image, but I can tell that much. She follows his instructions and narrowly avoids being roadkill by an oncoming car.

I won't look anymore.

I launch myself off the rocks just to avoid a second more of disappointment.

 

 

 

 

 

When I lie down that night to sleep, I think of her more than I have since that night. Now it's impossible to hold back the memories of every intimate thing we did. Each caress sears itself onto the forefront of my brain.

I search in my mind for the cues that she enjoyed it as much as I did. Surprisingly, I find them. I follow the little details of her nodding and moaning at my touch. I remember her blinding orgasms reaching out into me. Bella's shy smiles afterward told me she was embarrassed to have me see her writhing like that. I remember almost telling her to feel no such thing. I wanted to be a slave to her pleasure.

How did it go so wrong?

The question repeats itself in my head as I toss and turn underneath my bed covers. I hate that I grow hard from remembering our encounter as I still ponder whether she wanted it at all. Maybe she did in the beginning, maybe she just wanted a distraction and I shouldn't have gone through with it.

My cock throbs through the visions of her and I finally surrender to flick the light on and grab the bottle of lotion in the nightstand drawer. It's just for relief to sleep. There will be no real pleasure in this anymore. Not without her by my side.

In the end, I might have to grow to be okay with that.

 

 

 

 

 

Some days later, I wake to the smell of copper in my nose. There is absolutely no other interpretation for what that smell is.

I forget everything I might have planned for today and phase right outside of my house. There's nothing to do except hunt it down and pray whatever is on the other end is still alive. Strangely I remember a few of the tribal chants to ask for hope and blessings and whatnot. I feel compelled to repeat them in my mind as my four legs work to move at a sickeningly fast past.

Elders be damned, I run right past the border of our land in search of the victim. I pray there's only one, but the increasing potency of the smell fills me with worry. Something very bad has happened.

"Sam?" Paul's voice hits me. I remember suddenly it's his shift right now.

"Stay where you are," I tell him. We need someone on the rez to ensure the threat is currently moving towards us.

I am not currently sure if I believe that to be the case right now, but it would be stupid to put more than one of us in danger to hunt out the smell of blood.

Billy and Harry taught me long ago that leeches will go for those who are isolated. Hikers, joggers, fishermen out alone. They go for the easy and pathetic kill. And while I understand the need to not bring attention to yourself, their victims are never given a single fighting chance to defend against the threat. Fortunately, nature has fought back with us. Though I've cursed the burden of being able to change into a wolf, at this moment, I am grateful I exist for the purpose of vengeance.

I barrel through the woods in the direction of a relatively flat campground many miles from civilization. Before, I might have done a few rounds here until I became too caught up in teaching the new pack members.

I'm close now. I can feel it and smell the fresh blood still pooling. And I smell the lingering scent of vampire. It closes my throat, but I force myself to keep going.

As I approach the campground I see the bloody mass from a distance.

I've known all this time I would be too late, but seeing it confirmed devastates a part of me I long thought gone. Another sliver of innocence trampled by the life I have to lead.

I think I'd cry if I wasn't still in wolf form.

It's a pair of campers.

Their mangled bodies are slumped against one another, in a hug-like embrace. Each with their throats practically ripped out entirely. I think I see a torn-off limp thrown across their trampled campsite. If I were to guess, the monster decided to position their bodies like this as

There isn't much blood, of course. The leech would have drained them until the last drop, but the red of their exposed muscles still paints a gruesome scene. The images will haunt police officers, but they'll be unable to seek any justice.

Again, instincts take over and I perch on my hind legs to release a thundering howl into the sky. The birds fly off from the trees around me. It's a far cry from a memorial, but my yells into the void seem the only reasonable thing to do. I mourn their lives lost to a vicious and evil creature unable to consider their impact on the world at large. These are real people taken with not much thought about their goals and feelings in life. To vampires, I know people are meant as nothing more than a means to help these abominations live long past their time on Earth.

I know enough to not disturb the crime scene, although investigators are not going to find any evidence anyway.

Something strikes me in the way they are posed, clutching at each other for life and mouths open in shock, that fills me with a sense of dread that this was done to taunt me. Or, at the very least, taunt the concept of our wolves as protectors of the forest.

Even the protected marrow in my bones shivers at this realization. There is a vampire, perhaps more than one out there, that knows we could pose a threat to them if confronted directly. They know that we are seeking to preserve human life, the opposite of what they do. They know and still wish to toy with us for control.

I wonder how they could have figured it out since we killed the dark-skinned leech before he could talk. Then again, all the creeping feelings I've been having about a vampire nearby could have been real.

But I can't stick around to speculate any longer. I need to go back to Billy's and warn the others.

Paul's voice cracks back into my head. I transmit the image of the campsite massacre to him. Naturally, he freaks and I find I don't know the right words to say to get him to calm down. I'm not calm myself. Instead, there's an eerie sense of paralyzed emotion. I can only get my body to move forward, not so much my mind.

The others are called to phase shortly after by Paul, who gathers them at my house under my orders. I'll talk to Billy alone about this and then decide with the others what to do. Paul questions if I am certain the scene of the murdered couple was a taunt. But even though he can see my memory of it, he wasn't there in person to catch the definiteness of that conclusion. Yes, I'm certain. I'm certain we're all going to be doomed very shortly.

I barrel through the woods close to the Black house until I catch sight of something I had forgotten about in all the chaos. It's after school and that means Bella is normally there.

I see Jake crash on the rickety motorbike but surprisingly feel little urge to help him back up. He's close to turning and will gain the regeneration ability we all possess. Bella runs to make sure he's alright anyway and I'm struck by how effortlessly beautiful she is. Her selfless compassion leaves me breathless, so I slink further into the brush to not be noticed by them.

Their conversation isn't of any particular note to me, but I watch Jacob lean forward and kiss her. Every nerve inside me ignites in rage. She pulls away from him with a confused and perturbed look on her face. I still bare my teeth at the boy. I'm seconds away from growling too.

They walk away back towards his house, but her body language tells me she's uncomfortable with actions. Rightly so: she does not belong to him. I forget about everything else as I watch them. The dead campers, the threat, the need to tell Billy. The fraying edges of the imprint cause me to think of only one thing now.

Bella is free to be with whoever she wants. Just as long as that person is not Jacob Black. Because Jacob Black is going to be mine. He will belong to the pack and fight with us against the vampires setting their sights on our land. It's all of our duties and it will be his too.

He will phase soon. I'll ensure it.

Notes:

Inb4 someone asks if I actually included a Walden reference, yes I did. I have no shame.

Ugh, this chapter was a surprising slog to finish. I just had more work and family things piled on top of me after I finally figured out the specifics to include. So sorry for the somewhat late-ish update, but I am glad it is finally here! The plot goes forward!

Chapter 14: Bella Part Seven

Summary:

"We don't even ask happiness, just a little less pain." ― Charles Bukwoski

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I spend hours driving around meaninglessly. I've never known where I'm going, that doesn't bother me. What scares me is exactly how long it takes to get myself to stop.

When I come home, I click the door close and lean against it. My chest hurts to breathe and I'm heaving in large gulps of air just to not fall over. My vision does that fuzzy thing again that tells me I might be in the midst of a panic attack. And it feels strange to recognize it at the moment rather than retroactively. I try to shake myself out of it. No use.

Charlie looks up at me from the couch. He might be watching some sports game, but I can hardly focus. He's not in a uniform so he could easily have been home all day since I went to school. His facial hair is more unkempt than it normally is and he has an extra dejected look in his eyes. The same brown eyes I have. I feel caught in a mirror and my throat closes further.

"Bells, hey, I need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah?"

It's all I can muster to say when I keep thinking about Jake's lips on mine and the wrongness of it. I vaguely recall now that he felt too warm, burning hot, and the memory flashes in waves before me. Wrong. Wrong. Everything feels wrong.

"A couple of campers were found dead today about twenty miles north of La Push. The police around there gather it might be an animal attack.

Animal attack.

No.

Not that.

I know better than that.

My feet plant myself to the ground and the freezing pain of fear moves up every inch of my body. My eyes focus on a hazy spot on the wall. It's all I can do to not dissolve immediately.

Charlie makes his way closer to me, "Bella?" He has that look of worry I know too well by now. But I can't look at him. I can't.

"Dead," is the only word that leaves my lips.

He straightens his back and regards me a bit differently. "Yeah, real gruesome, sadly. It's probably a feral animal on the loose. Rabies and all that. I'll be trying to help out with mapping any sightings so we can catch the damn thing. Might see less of me because of it."

I almost choke. Not likely.

"Well, you'll be safe as long as you aren't out in the wilderness," he looks at me pointedly and adds, "right?"

I shake my head and leave my body even further.

Safe, no. Not me. There are more vicious memories swirling around inside of me. But I know very well that I'm not safe. I can feel the rings of the target burn into my back. I can feel a thousand headlights blinding me as I become the deer on the road. I'm close to death. I know it.

"Don't you need to go to the station?" I squeak out.

"Well, there isn't anything we can do about it now, so no. Just want to be super clear that you should avoid going into the woods by yourself, okay?"

"Uh-huh."

Charlie can't find anything else to say to me and I'm too far gone to be grateful about it like I normally am. He turns to plop back down on the couch and resume what little time for himself he now has. I stare at the back of his balding head for a few more seconds before my stomach flips around inside of me and turns the whole room green.

I run to the bathroom upstairs and empty the little contents within me into the toilet. My body has reached a limit and I slump over against the vanity and cry.

 

 

 

 

 

Focusing on school doesn't work. Not that it did much last semester. I still wonder how miraculous it was that I passed at all. Especially when the fake Edward haunted my every moment.

Now, another one of his kind lives in my head. Much more dangerous and out with vengeance.

I try not to think about it. It would be a good thing if I was just heading home one day and murdered without a true passing thought about it. That would be good, easy, more than I deserve. I hope that's what happens.

But I don't think it will be. The panic that settles into the bottom of my stomach all day hits a breaking point as soon as the last bell rings. I want to drive to La Push, tell Jake everything, but my feet feel like bricks and I'm too afraid to move outside my routine. I go home and pace around the kitchen.

The home phone finds itself in my hands before I realize it. I'm punching out their family number too. Surprisingly, it's not picked up on the first couple of rings. I bite down on my lip. I wait a bit longer.

Nothing. So I call again.

There's an answer on the third try. I breathe through my nose in relief. But it's Billy's deep voice greeting me instead.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Bella. Is Jake there?"

A pause. "No, he's sick actually."

I twirl a piece of hair between my fingers as I lean onto the wall for supper. "Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I haven't been feeling the best myself."

The terror and nauseous swirling around inside me are impossible to differentiate.

"Mm-hm." Billy sounds off, distant and annoyed.

"But can you tell Jake to call me back when he's feeling better?" I press.

"Sure thing."

The line goes dead.

For a moment, I feel nothing at all. I blink and wait to see reality shift around me like I invited the entire conversation. But it doesn't happen. It was real. I can't talk to Jake about the fear threatening to burst inside of me.

Well, it's fine. I couldn't tell him much anyway. I can't tell the Cullens' secret. But I could cry into his shoulder about the dead hikers. Tell him I'm terrified of the same fate. He might rub my back and tell me that I'm worrying for nothing. No one is after me.

It could be real.

I try to use that imagined memory to help me fall asleep at night. I try to press away from the feeling of falsehood that seeps into my bones. And I try most of all to ignore a different pair of mahogany eyes that steal away my pragmatic thoughts, replacing them with a silent and quivering yearning.

 

 

 

 

 

I call every afternoon for a week.

Towards the end, Billy stops picking up altogether. No matter how many voicemails I leave. No matter how close I get to begging.

Each day I feel sick and I cry.

I can theorize that he's ignoring me. It's not too hard to tell what is happening here. I've upset him. I ran off when he tried to get close to me. To open up to me. And now he believes I don't want to be there at all.

I can't say I don't deserve it. Especially when I'm calling to be comforted for my own sake. I think I'm going to die soon and I'd like a friend to be there beforehand. It's probably actually really awful to make him see me if he'll just be attending my funeral shortly after. It's cruel. The universe knows my intentions aren't pure and therefore I do deserve this. It's a hard line of thought to argue against.

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie is staying late at the station every night now. I make dinner for both of us, but I barely pick at my servings. His plate of leftovers must be eaten in the middle of the night when he comes back. I'm so dead tired that I don't even hear him enter.

More guilt weighs on me when I realize I don't want to talk to him when he's here anyway. He'll only tell me of more murdered people around the area. He'll scratch his beard and ponder new ways of tracking down an animal he'll never be able to catch.

I'll pretend it has nothing to do with me at all.

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't know I could feel as destroyed as I did when he first left again. But this time, there's an awareness clawing at the back of my head, begging to get out. I can't be as destroyed because I'm more lucid. And that makes it all the worse.

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica and Angela aren't real replacements for Jake. I understand how they're their own people, but the longing for a friend with the best sense of humor and mechanical skills never leaves me. If they notice my hollowness, they've probably learned by now not to comment. A sad reality.

The time without Jake has now doubled to two weeks. I'm not handling it any better.

Just when I thought I was done with the withdrawal symptoms, the craving for something, even a stinkin' cigarette to remove the pain, hits me once more. Jake would be pissed if he knew how much I suddenly wanted it. Him and someone else.

I keep looking inside my empty altoid kin to see if drugs have randomly appeared inside again. I grow more frustrated with each opening. I even dig through the underside of my bed and beneath my pillows to see if I missed anything in my initial purge.

I didn't.

I cry all night long.

This can't be sustainable.

 

 

 

 

 

He can't ignore me if I show up at his house, right? I realize there's a pretty good chance that Billy will turn me away, but I try to knock loudly enough that it will wake up everyone sleeping in the small house. Not the nicest, I know. But I deem it necessary.

"Bella, he's very sick," Billy says to me. His expression is one of deep sadness. It's been a while since I've seen this level of pity and it does not evoke amazing memories for me. I become irrationally annoyed.

"For weeks now!" I groan. I run my hands through my hair, not believing his excuse at all.

"I will have him call you-" he's cut off.

Jake approaches from behind his dad's wheelchair. I nearly jump back a foot in shock at his appearance.

His hair has been cropped and he has that same tribal tattoo on his left arm that Sam does. That's all I think when I see him. He looks too much like Sam. His muscles are even more defined and if possible, he looks taller too. Seeing him confirms my suspicions that he hasn't been sick at all. Only choosing not to see me and have Billy be the liaison for that message.

Jake scowls at me as if he knows exactly what I'm thinking. "I'll talk to her, Dad. Better to get this over with."

He walks out towards his garage, without acknowledging me at all. I need to take many quick steps to match his gait. He doesn't even look back when I huff in annoyance.

When he turns back towards me, he hangs his head in shame, but his contorted features tell me of the rage simmering underneath it all. I shiver, hoping that feeling is directed towards me. But my intuition screams that it somehow is.

"Bella, we can't be friends anymore," he tells me, refusing to look at me directly.

"Are you serious?" I demand.

"Yes. It would probably be best if you didn't come here at all," Jake admits, scratching at his arms. His tone is harsh and my eyes water without any more prompting.

How could he possibly be doing this to me? The same thing Edward did? He's told me how much he resents Edward for that. And to turn to do the same thing? I would be hurt, angry, torn apart if I wasn't so disbelieving at the moment.

"What about my bike?" I gape open at him.

"Take it."

"You know I can't."

He shrugs, not a single care in the world. "Not my problem then."

"Why are you doing this?" I cry.

"Because I have to."

"You really don't," I scowl at him.

"Things have changed."

I push back the obvious memories and force myself to say the next bit. "Because of Sam, huh?"

He snaps up to look at me, angrier than I've ever thought possible. I take a step back from him and hit my foot against some metal tool, likely a wrench. It clatters against something else and makes me wince as if I've been hit myself.

"Yeah, everything has to do with Sam it seems," he hisses through his teeth.

"I...I," I stutter without a real sentence on my lips. There's no way he knows, right? Heat floods every inch of my body as I ponder that likelihood. Not unless Sam told him. But would he do that? I suppose he has no loyalty to me…

"Get out of here, Bella."

"Okay," I whimper.

 

 

 

 

 

A feeling inside me tells me there's nowhere else to go but to the La Push beach. I can't go home. No one is there. And if a vampire is here, then I suppose I'll die with a nice view.

In the past, I didn't think I was much for morbid thoughts. But the world changed, or I did, and now to cope from thinking about perishing violently, I try to negate it with humor. It doesn't work, of course. Nothing ever does.

When I pull up as close as I feel I should without letting my truck gets damaged by the incoming tide. There's no one else as far as I can see. It brings me relief and sadness. I know what it is to be alone, but sometimes, often, it hurts.

I'm walking on the beach before I know it. Kicking sand and pebbles as far out as I can. Which can't be very far with my weak leg muscles. Still, I watch the small rocks roll and stop somewhere further away from me. It's momentarily transfixing.

I walk to a series of much larger rocks next to the shore. The land-facing side is dry so I run my hand along them and feel my skin prick and tingle. It is the closest thing I have to remembering that night…

But when I pass onto the other side, I see her. Leah Clearwater. Her long hair defiantly floating in the wind though she makes no move to brush it aside. She looks completely taken by the ocean before us, making no move to indicate she's heard or seen me.

"Oh," falls from my lips before I think otherwise.

With that she finally turns to look at me, keeping her face passive, but still strikingly beautiful. The way the sun hits her amber skin makes her look more alive than anything I've seen in months. I've spent so long thinking no one but a vampire could look magnificent in the sunlight but seeing how wrong I've been just makes me think of how wrong I am in general.

"I'm sorry!"

I rush the words out, but she shakes her head at me. I'm turning to leave right away, but she almost, almost rolls her eyes at me.

"You can stay."

The shock of her acceptance freezes me, but as soon as I nod back, she's turned away again. Weighing my options, I decide it would be rude to leave now so I make my way to sit on a large boulder a few feet away from her.

There's too much, and somehow still not enough, running through my head to talk.

"Why are you here?" Her voice is sharp, but not entirely judgmental. Still, she looks me over with quizzical eyes.

It takes a lot to draw out the confession from my own lips.

"Jake...um, well, he won't talk to me anymore."

Leah stares at me for a second, unblinking and unmoving. But she looks away right after, eyes to the ocean. I look down as my cheeks burn in shame.

We sit there, silent but somehow together,

"I figured. I saw his new look," she admits, finally turning back to me.

A whole rush of feelings comes to the surface and I feel the need to explain it all to her. "He was afraid. He said they were watching him. I know he didn't want this."

Leah shakes her head, "That's how it goes."

"But what is it?" My voice breaks on the last word and I tear my eyes away from her impenetrable gaze.

She can do nothing for me but shrug. "I don't know. But Sam must be fucking persuasive."

"But he didn't try any of that with me," I say.

This causes her eyebrows to raise, "You've talked to him?"

"Only a little." And it's not a lie. We really haven't talked that much. I can't tell if she buys it, especially with how hot my cheeks are growing each passing second.

There's a sadness that passes over her and I wonder if she can read me like an open book like Edward could. And god, oh Edward. The thought of him clenches my stomach, bringing the nausea back once more. He'd be so disappointed in me. The real him, not just the hallucination. I can't even consider how I might cope with that.

"Not like he would tell you anyway," Leah finally says. "If he wouldn't even tell his fiancé, he's not gonna tell anyone."

For the second time in a minute, my stomach drops.

"His fiancé?"

She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes, "He proposed to me years ago. Obviously, it didn't work out."

"Oh."

Oh.

There's another long lapse of silence. I can't think again. My head spins. I remember laughing with my friend in his garage. It distracted me from all the confusion and pain. All of the terror I've put myself through. It made me feel like just for a second I didn't deserve it all. But I do.

"Jake's not going to tell me either then." It's not a question. The certainty of it settles into my skin and I can't shake it off.

Leah's eyes tell me the same answer.

And it's freeing, somehow. To know I might not have to keep calling, keep knocking on his door, because he's not going to choose me. He'll choose Sam. And Sam will choose...well, not me either.

"Make him."

"What?"

"It's the biggest regret I have," she admits, her voice losing that slight always-composed feel it has. "Sam knew exactly what to say so I wouldn't keep asking. I shouldn't have let it work."

"I'm sorry," I say again.

But her eyes grow fierce and she looks at me with all of the courage she might have wished she could have summoned for herself. She stares at me as if to impart this on my very being. But my frail heart almost buckles under the pressure of living up to this ideal. I am not strong like Leah Clearwater.

"Don't be me. Push until you get answers."

I chew on my bottom lip again, "I'm not sure…"

There's a deadset look in her eyes. And finally, some of that strength makes its way into my body. I feel a calm breeze shudder pass through me. Then, a desperate urge to know.

I want to know about Jake and Sam. I want to know if their torture can be broken. I want to be involved.

Leah gives me one last word of advice: "Don't you think you deserve it?"

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I actually tell her that I do. But I justify it with the belief that the truth must stand on its own. That's a common theme in the many classics after all.

It's a rare night that Charlie comes home for dinner. Despite the surprise, I get to work on a shepherd's pie for him, the kind of simple meal he likes. I wrinkle my nose at the smell of canned carrots and wonder if they were from a bad batch.

By now I can brown ground beef without looking, it only takes a few stirs with a spatula and an ear out to hear if the sizzling becomes too intense. Naturally, I find myself staring out the kitchen window, my thoughts a garbled mess.

I don't understand why the loss of the shadow of Edward doesn't hurt me as acutely as it did when he first left. Perhaps I've really gone numb altogether. But that doesn't seem quite right either. I know I'm anxious about Jake, about why he isn't answering me. And there's always the thoughts of another person lingering in the back of my mind as well.

Unable to help it, I think of his eyes. Round and hooded. His gaze pierced me the most, more than anything else. I wonder why I'm now remembering it more intensely. His chastising of my drug and alcohol use was surely deserved. At the moment though, I didn't care. I just wanted another fix. Now, for no reason at all, the cravings are gone and I see his face much more clearly.

The image of his eyes shifts right in front of me as I remember something else. Laurent's chilling voice shivers down my spine. And the giant black wolf appears before me. Suddenly, very obviously now, something clicks.

I push away from the stove and gasp, looking again outside, but the mirage has disappeared. It doesn't take away the realization, however.

"Dad, it's wolves," the words fall out of my mouth.

"Hm? What did you say, Bells?" Charlie turns to me from the couch.

I pivot my whole body to face him, spatula still in hand, "It's giant wolves who are killing the campers. I saw them in the forest."

"Saw them when?"

Shit. I shrug as best I can nonchalantly, "A while back. Not recently. But it makes sense, right?"

He stands up in the living room and walks over to me. "Crap, I guess so, Bella. But how giant are we talking?"

"They were a foot taller than me, at least."

The memory sears itself on my retinas now. I remember the giant black wolf staring into me, looking as if I was about to break in two. But they ran after Laurent instead. Why would a vampire be a better snack than a human? Maybe there's something I don't know about the properties of venom.

I swallow through this line of thought. I only narrowly escaped being eaten myself, but both Laurent and the wolves. It was only because they threatened each other that they took their eyes off of me.

I sway a bit in the kitchen. I reach out to steady myself and quickly turn the stovetop off. The meat is done anyway. No need to increase a fire hazard with my propensity for accidents.

"You feeling alright?" Charlie asks.

I turn to him and nod, "They could have eaten me, Dad. They were somewhat far away, but still."

"Well," he says gruffly, "you're not going back there then."

"Definitely not," I laugh dryly. What was I thinking anyway? Why should I want to go out to the meadow when the real Edward can't be with me. I mentally shake myself some more. My actions and thoughts are a mess these days.

I finish preparing the casserole to put in the oven. Charlie decides to sit down at the dinner table to wait and I join him. He asks again about school but picks up easily enough that I'm not feeling the urge to divulge the latest trivial assignments. Thankfully he doesn't seem to want to mention that I should be calling Renee more. I very much do not want to be doing that.

"You know," he continues on, "the Quileute believe the wolf is sacred or something. Was always a bit weird to me."

My hand stills. I was seconds away from bringing a glass of water to my lips, but I instantly let go of it and just stare at my father.

Quileute, sacred, wolf.

"What's sacred?" I cough as I ask.

"That they're protectors of the forest, I think. Old legends, anyway."

Protectors.

The word is familiar.

Strikingly so.

Then I remember Jacob's complaint once. He referred to them snarkily as 'the protectors of the tribe.' It makes sense all at once. Sam and the others are involved with the wolves, somehow, some way.

My throat tightens.

"I need to check on the food," is my weak excuse to Charlie to stand up and leave.

When I look down at my hands, they're shaking. I blink, but the feeling doesn't leave me. It's all so very confusing. I try to rack my mind for the possibilities going on here.

They're probably sacrificing people to the wolves. Or maybe the wolves have some sort of system that lets them know which campers deserve to be eaten. Maybe it's a mix of them and vampires. It could be any number of horrific things.

But I know who might tell me. And I know that Jacob doesn't deserve to be involved in this mess.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm banging on his door in the rain. Losing feeling in my knuckles but I'll keep going until he answers. I can't even name a single emotion I'm feeling. Nothing but desperation, and maybe behind it all, shame.

Sam opens the door quickly. Of course, he does. He cuts into the time I expected to spend on internally panicking some more. When he regards me with a stunned look and sleep-dazed eyes, I don't stare at his features. I don't. I look directly into his eyes to make my statement.

"Take me instead," I say.

"What?" he scratches at the buildup between his eyelids and looks at me like I'm completely alien. I suppose in a way I am. But no more than he and his group are either. With whatever the hell they are doing.

"I'll take Jacob's place. In your group."

His mouth parts open, "Bella…"

"Don't," I say. I don't know what I'm saying it about. I hug myself as the rain drenches all the clothing I have on. My shirt becomes a second skin to me, but the numbness in my arms can hardly complain. My fingers press into my bicep muscles.

I know Sam sees me shiver. He looks down at me with a frown on his face.

"Why don't you come inside?"

"No," I grit out. "I want to know if this deal can work for you. Me for him."

He looks away from me and shakes his head, "I can't."

"Why the hell not?" I yell. "He's terrified of you. I know he is. He didn't want those changes to happen to him. We talked about it, okay? But I'm not afraid, so take me instead."

A whisper: "It doesn't work like that."

"Well, make it work," I seethe.

Sam doesn't say anything else to me. I feel the rage build up inside of me, warming my body despite the dropping temperature. I'm going to explode on him, I feel it inside of me. And it's the least he deserves, for taking Jacob away. Nothing else I'll think of but that.

And then my friend's voice. Jake comes running out from the treeline to meet me as I stand on Sam's doorstep. The shock of it reignites my susceptibility to the rain. The cold swarms back.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" Jacob asks. His tone lacks the usual note of compassion he has for me. In fact it could even be biting. I try not to let that affect me.

I look back at the man in front of me. At the body I once knew for a night. I shiver more. "I'm asking Sam to let you go."

Sam's brown eyes blink slowly, but he shows no change of emotion.

I can practically feel an eye roll behind me, "Stop it, alright? I told you to leave it alone for now."

Jake puts a hand on my back and with his strength, easily pivots me away from Sam and towards my truck. But I throw my arms up and force both to look at me.

"You stop it! I don't care what it is! I know it has to do with the wolves, okay? I know."

Both also freeze and look at me in complete denial. I shake my head at them.

"If you need someone to be sacrificed to them, or monitor them, or whatever, I'll do it."

But Jake's hand finds the middle of my back again and he turns me more forcefully. My balance almost dissipates entirely. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sam's body lurch ever so slightly forward.

"You don't know anything, Bella," Jake's harsh voice pricks my eyes. They can't see if I cry though, thank the rain for that.

Jake cocks an eyebrow at Sam and it looks something akin to a warning. But the older man stands firm and doesn't take his own gaze off of me. I nearly crumble under it.

I look at Jacob once more before he motions with his head for me to get back into my truck. I swallow. I can see my only path being defeat at the moment. But there are other paths. Hundreds of others. Leah is right. I deserve some sort of truth here.

"Stay away."

 

 

 

 

 

I won't.

Notes:

Damn Bella, so close but so far. And Jake is such a cockblock. Dang, why do I write these things??

Chapter 15: Sam Part Eight

Summary:

"Don't you see? The catastrophe is me. My very existence is an affront to everything that is natural and good." ― K.J. Wignall

Notes:

Extra long chapter, yay!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Leeches are getting closer. There's slaughtered hikers not twenty miles from here. I need a bigger pack."

Despite the horror of the news, it could hardly be called surprising.

"It's your son's time."

Billy accepted it without voicing a single argument against my plan. I demanded that he keep Bella away from his house while I work on Jacob's phasing. Later that night, I could barely sleep from the constant image of Billy's sad face flashing in my eyes. I can't be haunted by guilt for this. The safety of my people and the safety of all humans in the area is too important to disregard the need for a new wolf.

But I can't say this lifestyle isn't absolutely devastating. And I know I'll be putting that on at least one more person.

My thoughts trail around the idea that Jacob himself could imprint. He'd lose his interest in Bella pretty easily and would probably be accepting of my link with her. Except, of course, the universe deemed that to be too easy of a solution and thus not happening. It's typically, really, the suffering that compounds in my life. Interest on a debt that always grows.

Imprinting is too rare, they say. The tribal elders don't believe everyone in the pack should carry the responsibility of it anyway. It ties you to something greater than just the safety of the tribe. You now carry the weight of destiny on your shoulders, making the desire to kill Cold Ones even stronger. That level of bloodlust would turn a whole pack crazy if every wolf had it. For now, I feel Jared and I will be the only ones to hear that call. And I'm the only one trying to resist the sirens.

I call a meeting between us four at night to explain more clearly the devastation that I saw at the campsite and the taunting message. For one of those rare nights, I open up my house to the boys and allow them to guzzle down all the beverages I store in my fridge. It annoys me, but

"Man, are you sure that was for us?" Paul asks with arms crossed his chest in defiance. His posture makes me greatly reconsider naming him beta. But if I transitioned to Jared, I'd have to hear about the never-ending benefits of imprint intimacy all day. And I just can't right now.

I frown down at him, "If we can smell a vampire, no doubt they can smell us. They're watching us. They know we're here."

Jared and Embry nod silently, unable to think much at all.

"I need to bring Jacob Black up to the level where he'll phase uncontrollably. Where all of us were once naturally on our own."

The group stares at me, weighing my words. It's a cruel thought. They all know that.

Embry finally speaks up from his spot on my couch, "Are you sure that will work? I mean, I've seen it from a distance. She's been making him happy." He doesn't make eye contact with me when he says that.

"She's not his," Jared grits out through his teeth. His anger can be felt permeating throughout the room.

Everyone stills to look at him.

"If someone else tried to come after Kim, I'd make sure they knew that," he looks at me dead in the eye. "Even just the thought of it makes me pissed."

I shake my head to diffuse the tension, "This isn't about Bella Swan. We need Jacob on our side. He's the direct ancestor of the last Alpha."

"You're not giving away your position, are you?" Paul gapes at me, the last bit said accusingly.

"No, he's too young at the moment. Too untrained. But when he's ready, I will follow the law and step down peacefully."

Paul scoffs, "Baby Black doesn't have a chance."

Jared laughs, but Embry shakes his head at them both. "Maybe he would if he could do things naturally," he bites back. And I look at him just once to know the desire to defend his friend still rules him here.

"As if any of this is natural," Paul scoffs. "Turning into giant wolves is ridiculous, even if badass."

No disagreement there.

But the sour expression on Embry's face doesn't leave despite Paul's attempt to lighten the mood. I give him props for trying though. Maybe he isn't a terrible beta.

"Look," I tell the youngest wolf. "I don't want to hurt Jacob, I really don't. But he's needed. I was right about the threat."

He doesn't look at me.

"Well, hope you can figure it out, Boss," Jared sighs.

Billy informs me later that Bella shouldn't be coming by anytime soon. It pains me to think of what effect that will have on both of us. Her visits on the rez at least calmed a small part of me. Upon hearing his words, her likely prolonged absence only wrecks me more.

Jacob doesn't know yet, however. I take the opportunity to find him in their garage while he's tinkering on the bikes they still have an interest in.

I remember vividly the rage I felt wondering how it would have been seeing Bella, not Jacob, crash. I probably wouldn't have been able to keep myself from running to help her.

The young Quileute boy doesn't look at me when I invade his space. He continues to use a wrench to tighten knobs I can't quite identify. Well, suppose I'm better at carpentry. We all have our own strengths. But a knot forms in my stomach that tells me Bella would prefer a mechanic.

"She's not coming. You'll have to talk to me today, not her," I tell him. My voice already rubbed raw at the words and yelling hasn't even broken out yet.

He scoffs and rolls his eyes at me, refusing to acknowledge my words. His hands are drenched in oil. Images of Bella the same way flash in my mind. I push them out. She's not going to come back here for a while at least.

The minutes of silence must get to Jacob because he finally breaks the tension. "What do you want?"

"Just to talk," I answer.

He laughs, clearly not believing my intentions. I know what the kid thinks of me well enough. Embry relayed how they cringed each time our group went near.

"About what?" Jacob rolls his eyes.

I take a step forward and he finally looks up at me. The kid isn't small by any means, but he isn't yet bigger than me. And I know my size is intimidating to most people.

"Responsibility."

Jacob groans, "Are you always this fucking vague?"

Generally, yes.

I decide out of the kindness in my heart to get him a bit more to chew on for now, "Soon you're going to be faced with a choice of whether to accept the responsibility bestowed upon us that none of us asked for or to crumble under that weight. We'll all be waiting."

His dark eyes narrow, though it takes him a moment to respond. Though I'll certainly feel the guilt for it later, it's good to know I'm stirring anger inside him now.

"Get out," are his final words to me.

I have a theory, not backed up by any evidence found in the many tribal journals, that a wolf about to phase can have his condition exacerbated by the adult wolves around him. Not even going as far as trying to rile the kid up as I did, but even just the scent of transition can cause someone to speed up in their own process. Wouldn't be the first time pheromones wreaked havoc. It's probably the basis for imprinting as well. In all, not the worst theory I've ever had.

Testing this theory means I can use the whole pack to crowd Jacob into phasing.

Billy called me to explain that the lack of Bella's visiting and my intimidation tactics have caused the kid to develop a fever. His anger at his old man has even increased. And while I can definitely understand that, Billy has been a good father overall. So it gives me another small reason to push for Jacob to finally turn. He shouldn't be cruel to the last parent he has.

Embry doesn't like the plan. If I'm entirely honest, Jared doesn't either. It must say something about Paul for the guy to get excited about beating on a younger kid. Something about the bullies being bullied in their own lives, maybe. Not a topic I want to broach today.

We hunt him down later in the week. When the clouds have turned dark gray and the sun shines its last beam over the horizon before finally dying. The cloak of darkness will increase the atmosphere of uneasiness around Jacob Black that I know he feels already.

And it will make me feel like a criminal using the dead of night to escape recognition.

But the thing about being a wolf is we can't escape from knowing each other. Eventually, Jacob will see Bella is my mind and he'll know. He'll know he can't possibly persuade her to be with him. If her reaction to him kissing her is anything to go, she was never there to begin with.

When we find him outside at night waiting by his bike and still looking out as if Bella will join him, my chest does tighten. Only because I know the feeling of waiting for her and being disappointed. Somehow Billy is catching her phone calls and telling her to stay away before Jacob can hear. The old man told me it's been difficult. We will have to get Jacob to agree not to contact her soon and there's only one way to do that.

He stands up to leave immediately, but we crowd him quickly.

"Let me go," he grinds out through his teeth. His voice tells me he is on the very cusp of phasing. Just a little more.

Jacob spins around looking at all of our faces. He contorts in pain upon seeing Embry and realizing his old friend won't budge either.

"Your time is now," Paul growls with a poorly hidden smirk on his face. Fuck. Maybe I do need to talk to him about his sadistic tendencies.

"Fuck off," Jacob yells back.

Instead of choosing to engage with the group, Jacob narrows his sights on Paul, the obvious threat. At least I know he won't back away from a fight.

The heat rising off our five bodies is almost enough to light a wood house on fire. The tension and pheromones will be too powerful for the latent instincts in Jacob to ignore.

Paul shoves Jacob on his chest. Jacob gets ready to hit back. But Paul smiles again and takes two steps back. Shit. Shit. I know what he's about to do.

He phases right in front of all of us. Embry and Jared gape at the scene, not expecting Paul to want to instigate a fight so quickly. We were only planning on making Jacob phase by himself, not defend himself right away.

Jacob's body finally shakes. He can't hold it in. He explodes into a giant red wolf. The anger is still so intense in him that he growls and snaps at Paul's wolf until he realizes what he is and begins to whimper.

Jacob Black looks at Paul as a wolf and the three of us three still human and then takes off into the forest. His ability to sprint is stronger than I expected.

"Let's follow him now!" I yell. I can't allow a potential loose cannon to be unguided for the night.

We shed our clothes and trail after the newest pack member.

I'm hit with his panic immediately. And I know all the others can see it too. There are many flashes of pain.

The first is the death of his mother. A tragic car accident. The loss affecting the young boy so powerfully every happy moment he's experienced since is laced with the regret of not being able to share it with her. There's the horror of her funeral. So many crying faces going up to him and his sisters. He couldn't respond. He didn't know how. He's haunted with the guilt of looking like he didn't care.

His sisters then grow up and leave. A piece of their family has been so shattered that they can't stick around to see it broken forever. Jacob doesn't understand why his father isn't more upset about it. Maybe he understood that his daughters deserved to forge their own life away from the hell that is Quileute ancestry.

Later, Billy shows his pain subtly. He's not able to get a handle on his diet. The diabetes gets much worse. He's confined to a wheelchair and desperate for the poorest insurance just to afford insulin. He won't listen to the

At the end of it all, Jacob's desperation for that loneliness to end shows itself in the many times he's had to remake friends. He found Embry and Quil. And then lost Embry to a chaos and confusion he still doesn't understand.

And of Bella. She came back to live in Forks and Jake almost thought he had a chance, not just for a relationship, but a deep friendship as well. But I'm almost stopped in my tracks seeing new angles of her destroyed face. All I can feel is anger at the Cullens for doing that to her. Leaving her so cruelly and trying to take a piece of her soul with them. That rage fills every part of me.

The images I must be projecting onto Jacob cause him to stop. He's curious. Why I would care, for one. Which I will not be getting into now. But because my thoughts, and the others, have naturally lingered over to the truth about what those monsters are.

It's my time to explain to the new recruit what our purpose is.

Nothing other than sheer luck causes Jacob to transfer his wrath of now being a wolf onto the threat of Cold Ones. He accepts the need to kill them with ease. Perhaps easier than I have.

We show him the success we've had so far. And the need to prepare for the large threat I know it's coming. Somehow, it's enough to get him to phase back.

I walk him back to his house and Billy greets us with an old quilt. The same way he did when I first needed it.

The memories will keep me up at night.

But in the days immediately after, Jacob adjusts to being a wolf better than any of us. Perhaps it's the Alpha lineage in him. I'll need to talk to him about taking up the role eventually. Today, he's still in too precarious a position. Still, it grates on me that he's the second largest in the pack now.

Embry is grateful to have a closer friend join the group. It seems to lessen the edge of Jacob as well. Paul for now is, fortunately, backing off. He knows I'd have his head if he pushed anymore.

We all take turns talking about some of the best and worst moments we've had as wolves so far. I try to keep mine relatively light and just focus on talking about how gross it was in my mind to eat rabbits when I couldn't phase back. Paul takes the opportunity to call me a bunny killer. 'I must be real great with women and kids.' Ha ha ha.

Paul, of course, says killing the dark-skinned leech was the best so far. Embry tells of a memory of leaping across a great chasm of rocks after I gave him enough courage to cliff dive. Both think the first phasing was definitely the worst part. But it's over now at least.

And with the happy atmosphere, Jared does something stupid. He talks about Kim and how imprinting on her was the best moment of his life. The rest of us realize the mistake immediately, desperate to not continue talking about the blashmephic word. It's too late.

"What is imprinting?" Jacob asks. It's not asked in a purely inquisitive tone. He knows something is off. I can hear it in the way his breath hitches on the last syllable. As he looks into the pained eyes of each of us, especially my own, Jacob knows something is off. There's no way he couldn't.

 

 

 

 

 

The world dies a bit more as the seconds pass.

 

 

 

 

 

"How fucking dare you! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!" Jacob's wails increase the longer I stand still. I won't pretend I don't wince at them though. He has a way of making his sounds hit the most sensitive of ear nerves.

Paul's grip on his shoulders looks like it's about to break. I brace for the moment when the young pup escapes and lunges at my throat. In the rage-induced state he's in, he might actually cause some damage.

Sure enough, Jacob breaks free. But instead of phasing right there, he composed enough to launch himself forward so he can connect his fist with my jaw.

I see it coming from a mile away, but I let it happen.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER!"

The feeling of my heart beating rushes to the surface of my face. Kid got me good. I touch my right cheek and feel the bones snap back into place.

Before Jacob can swing again, Paul and Jared seize him from behind and pull him down. He thrashes on the forest floor, cursing me the entire time.

"He couldn't control it, man!" Jared yells at him. "Not like I could either!"

I appreciate his effort to defend me, but his situation didn't tear away a potential interest from a packmate. The argument hardly works on Black either as he grows wilder in his efforts.

"You all are sick! FUCKING SICK," Jacob yells.

Then I see his eyes flash and know he's about to explode. Paul and Jared must know too because immediately loosen their grip and back away. Sure enough, Jacob phases into his wolf form and bares his teeth at me, digging his paw into the grounds like he's signaling for me to phase and fight. I won't.

I conjure up the Alpha voice once more, "Go take a few laps around the forest. Don't come back until you're calmer."

This riles him up more. He growls the roughest sound I've ever heard, but the mystical force that compels all of my recruits to listen ultimately wins against his rage here too. With one last bark of wrath, he runs off, tail almost between his legs.

He's fast and strong, I'll give him that.

Embry begins to take off his clothes.

"You don't have to go," I tell him with my brow furrowed.

He looks at me with that far-off sad look in his eyes, "Yes, I do. He was my friend first."

I'm left with Paul and Jared. Each equally pissed off at the entire scene. I don't have anything worthwhile to say to them about it, however. It perhaps isn't a huge secret that I too view the imprint in not the highest light.

An interesting contradiction. To view the link between Bella and me as devastating, but to still wish to be around her as much as possible. No, not a contradiction, maybe, just a loss of free will.

I decide it's probably best to let Billy know that Jacob now knows about imprinting. The old man gives me another look of mourning, but I can't tell if it's meant for me or his son. Probably both.

We wait for hours inside his cramped house. I want to ask Billy if he's taking care of himself, or letting his son do that for him, especially after seeing everything in Jacob's mind. But it isn't my place and I doubt I'd be listened to. Billy is the kind of person to wave off any concerns about himself.

When the night comes and the cold enters the room does Jacob finally return. I can see his shoulders heave up and down. Suppose it really did take him this long to come back just to get a bit calmer.

I wonder back to my time with Leah and Emily and if I would have reacted the same way if I found out someone else was promised to them. Would it really be a heartbreak like no other? But now, the only woman I can truly think of like that is allegedly promised to me and would certainly hate me for it if she found out.

Jacob's eyes narrow at me as he realizes I'm still here.

I stand up as he makes his way inside and Billy wheels himself closer.

"Now, listen, son. I know you don't want to hear it, but Sam has some ground rules to go over."

Jacob will look at his father, but not me.

"The most important thing is to not tell Bella about us or the imprint," I lower my voice so Jacob knows it's an order while Billy's frail hearing can't pick up on the difference. "It's for her safety."

A scoff, "Yeah, right. I won't talk to her anymore, okay?."

"I didn't say you can't talk to her at all," I shake my head. "The others can't tell their parents and still get along alright."

It's a half-truth.

"As if I want to talk to her now."

Anger bubbles in my throat. "She isn't dirty or sick."

"I didn't say that," he shrugs, but his movements are still filled with rage as he glares at me.

I swallow the feelings of regret building up in my throat, "Whatever you want then."

Something tells me he'll do that anyway no matter any pleading on my behalf for him to remain a stable presence in her life. For now, he loosens his inclination to lunge at my throat, just an ounce.

We slip into a very uneasy routine. Jacob works to block out thoughts of Bella, but he lacks the ability I have to keep his thoughts on task. For his own sake, I can continue my practice of only thinking of her at night when no one else is around and the memory of her skin on mine is the only thread left of my sanity.

It's a hellish month.

 

 

 

 

 

Take me instead.

I know the second she says those words that they'll haunt me for years to come. I see her desperation as she looks back at me and I know she'll return. It's as simple as feeling a pull on the invisible rope between us.

"Do you want to come inside, Jacob?" I ask when Bella is far outside of earshot. I could lower my voice and still have the young wolf hear even if she was close. Yet for the second time in five minutes, my offer of hospitality is rejected.

"Stay away from her," he almost jabs a finger in my face.

He knows I can't for very long. Even every small and seemingly meaningless interaction with her boosts my strength and mental clarity. I couldn't be Alpha without it. And Jacob won't be taking that position.

"You're allowed to be friends with her," I say instead. "It's clearly what she wants."

He shakes his head, "You don't get to decide who she talks to."

"You're right, I don't. I only want what's best for her."

Jacob scoffs, "Well, what if neither of us are that?"

He asks this question as if I haven't been wondering the same thing since I laid eyes on her. The monumental feeling of being undeserving of her presence every second I get to bask in it. The quiet, fierce resilience she shows me despite the pain she's in. Of course, I am far from what is best for her.

But that urge to be around her never ceases.

"She's allowed to choose whoever she wants to be with," I finally say. And it's true. Even if it kills me inside.

There's a glimmer of unrecognizable emotion flashing across Jacob's face. He stands a bit taller, almost matching me in height now. With his chin jutted out, his words carry a half-violent promise on them.

"Maybe she already has."

 

 

 

 

 

Take me instead.

The words ring in my ear again and again. She's back on the reservation land. That's hardly a surprise.

But when I see her red truck parked half a mile from the Black house, I know her intentions right away. It frightens and awes me that she's filled with the determination to see this through. I will have to tell her the truth. About the wolves, at least. Anything more can't be spoken about now.

Paul, Embry, and Jared gather by my side right away without feeling anything off. I remember again I'm the only one capable of sensing her presence and sometimes her intentions if they're strong enough.

"Bella's here," I tell them. "Let's wait to get Jacob."

"Ugh," Paul groans. But I give him a stern look and he shuts up pretty quickly. I don't need to hear his bullshit complaints right now. After all, Bella is a part of the pack in her own way, much like Kim.

When Bella sees us on the other side of the Black house, she's surprisingly not frightened and instead marches towards our group with a scowl on her face. Despite the long walk and her small legs, she's in front of us in seconds.

"Are you monitoring his every movement now too?" she asks me accusingly.

If it wasn't Bella, I might have commented on the hypocrisy of her statement from someone who is clearly snooping. But I don't have time to answer, Paul steps forward.

"Alright, time to go, little girl," he rolls his eyes half teasingly.

I know a half -second after he says it that it's the absolute wrong thing to say. Bella's features contort to one of shock and then to a level of rage I've never seen before. I have another half-second to ponder that perhaps the difficulties she's been through, including what I've directly and indirectly done to her by keeping Jacob away from her, have caused a new level of desperation in her to get answers.

Bella leans forward and slaps Paul as hard as she can. I know the force of her effort likely burns her palm, but she's still too angry to care. And now it's too late. Paul's body has registered the threat and his eyes go dark.

"Oh, fuck," Embry breathes as he sees it too.

Jared and I react quickly to try to push Paul back away from Bella. Though we can get him a good few feet back, his body spasms show he's going to phase right here and now.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

No. No way. Not how she's supposed to find out, if ever.

"Stand back!" I yell at her.

But Bella is too paralyzed to move, looking at Paul like he's a superhuman junkie. I'll break all my bones in my body before I let Paul lay a finger on her though. But it's not like she knows that.

Paul erupts into his wolf form, snapping and snarling in Bella's general direction. The dark gray form casts a menacing shadow over her. I can almost see her eyes glaze over, not fully understanding what she's saying.

She takes one good look at him and screams.

Screams so loud the birds in the immediate vicinity fly off their branches. Screams so loud that she rouses Jacob Black from his house. He flings himself off the back porch.

"JACOB, RUN," she yells as she scrambles to escape Paul. He won't run after her, of course, but she hardly knows that. All she knows is a threat. And it's a fair assessment too. "RUN."

Jacob doesn't even look at her as he takes off.

"You're so dead," he snaps at Paul, leaping and phasing into his own wolf body, poised and ready to fight. The shreds of his clothing fall a few feet to the side.

And yeah, they do fight. Gray and red blur together as the young wolves each attempt to sink their teeth into the others' neck. Jacob gets the upper hand for a second and flings Paul onto the ground, ready to jump on top of him and try to administer the killing bite. Despite Paul's general lack of focus, he knows enough to escape this obvious move and the fight continues.

Bella trips and falls down on the forest floor. My hands flex to stop her impact despite being many yards away at this point. It obviously does no good as she still crashes. Now covered in dirt, she turns around to watch the scene continue to unfold.

Jared and Embry chuckle at watching their pack brothers lash out, but I don't pay it much mind as my imprint sits completely disturbed by the entire thing. And it is disturbing. I feel my heart break realizing this once again. I am so sorry, Bella, that I couldn't save you from this truth forever.

It feels like another small corner of my life has been turned over and plucked right out of my hand.

"Oh my God. Oh my God," Bella mutters, breathless. "Oh…"

I can see the lights flashing out in her eyes. She grows wearier each moment she looks at Paul and Jacob attacking each other in wolf form. Finally, the suspension of disbelief can do no more for her and her eyes flutter close. She passes out on the ground.

I run to her and pull her small body close to my chest. I don't want to shake her to cause her to wake up and panic all over again. But I don't want her head to rest on the rough dirt and pebbles. I hear her heart beat furiously. I worry it's not capable of going much faster and what would happen if her stress levels increase anyway. I pull her just an inch closer.

"Jared, stay to make sure Paul and Jake don't kill each other," I order. "Embry, come on, let's go to my place for now. She's bound to have a lot of questions when she comes to."

Using her truck to transport her and Embry seems the best option. I open the side door and gently lower her into the seat and click the seatbelt over her. She stirs but doesn't open her eyes again. Embry roughly clumps into the truck bed and I glare at him to give him the message to not disturb her again. He gives me a sheepish smile back.

As we drive, I listen to Bella's heart slow down. But a strange fluttering noise becomes present in my eardrums the longer I lean in, so I stop when she reaches a calmer level. I swallow. The confusion of the moment momentarily paralyzing me. I blink and it's gone.

"Jake's gonna be so pissed," Embry gives out a strangled laugh as we open the door to my house.

I put Bella down on my couch and remember months ago when she was here last. She probably doesn't even remember it. As I stare at her, she gradually wakes up, tossing and turning. I sneak a pillow behind her head while she remains in the last clutches of unconsciousness.

Then she wakes up with a start, holding her chest and breathing like there's no air in the room.

"Take a few deep breaths. It's alright," I tell her.

Her brown eyes grow wide as she looks at me, "You're, you're…"

"Yes," I nod. "I'm one too."

Bella swallows and swings her legs over the couch, looking at me more intensely than she ever has before. I can't tear my eyes away from either. We stare at each other as her chest slowly stops heaving up and down. I want to reach out and comfort her somehow, but I don't get the chance. She scans my living room once again and lands on the kid standing in the corner.

"Me too!" Embry exclaims cheerfully, understanding the question on her mind.

"Oh," she says. "Um, how many?"

"Five now," I answer. "But there could be another someday. Quil Ateara."

"I met Quil," she mumbles and runs a hand through her hair.

In the next moment, Jared bursts through the door and looks at Bella on my couch. There's glee evident in his expression. I can almost see what he's thinking. He wants to introduce her to Kim. Have a giant imprint party or something. Well, not in my house, mate.

"Bella! How are you doing?" he asks.

She shrugs numbly at him.

"That's Jared," I say. "And Paul is the one you smacked. He'll be coming here soon too."

A look of fear passes over her, "Oh God, he's probably really angry with me, huh?"

The corner of my lips turns up, "No, he's a wuss. He won't try anything with you."

My words do nothing to ease her anxiety, but I know enough that Paul isn't an absolute idiot with women. He is stupid in general so he might try to flirt with my imprint after all of this, but it'll be harmless. He only has my annoyance to fear.

Jared elbows me, "You should offer your guest something to drink."

I look at Bella and gesture to the kitchen where an old mug of coffee is sitting, "There's uh…"

She wrinkles her nose, "Um, no thanks. I don't really drink coffee and it smells kind of burnt honestly."

Embry and Jared burst out laughing, even clutching their abdomen while they do so. But I frown. I thought I bought a new bag of ground beans a week ago?

Paul is the next to arrive. Looking disheveled, but uninjured. He still wears his general aura of arrogance despite all of us knowing Jacob is stronger.

"Well, not the first impression I was hoping to make," he winks at Bella.

Her cheeks flush, "Yeah, I didn't know slapping you would do that."

"Eh, it's instinct mainly. But I forgive you," he teases.

Alright, I take it back. He's got more than my annoyance to fear: I am going to skin the guy.

"You didn't hurt Jake, did you?"

"I'm sure he's in much worse shape than me," Paul grins.

Jared laughs, "He's lying, Bella. Jacob is a natural. I bet he took down Paul in three minutes tops. He just waited to come here out of embarrassment."

"In your dreams, little brother."

The air in the room cools considerably as Jacob enters, wearing a new plaid shirt since he destroyed whatever he was wearing earlier. He tries not to meet Bella's eyes but eventually finds himself unable to look away as she sits here gaping at him. Probably more of shock that Jacob didn't tell her this secret, but she doesn't know yet that it was my order to keep him silent. I'm sure she'll find out soon enough.

Bella doesn't say anything to him and he can't find anything to say to her. No one else in my house wishes to break the awkward silence so as usual, the hard job falls onto me.

"We know about the vampires," I say as I turn to Bella.

Her shocked expression now centers upon me rather than Jacob, but her shoulders tense up and she glues her mouth shut. I suppose I know the pain of not wanting to reveal a secret that affects a person so intensely. Except this is more important than maintaining loyalty to a group who wouldn't give the same courtesy back. This is about real people's lives.

"A rogue one or a small group is attacking near us. They'll want to fight us eventually. We have to prepare for that."

Perhaps I fucked up by saying this as now the room grows even more somber. But everyone else is aware of how I feel about it so she needs to be too.

"Come on, Bells," Jacob finally gestures to her to leave. She stands up without arguing against his orders. My stomach tightens. "Let's get out of here."

"Bella, we have to talk about them sometime," I tell her, focusing on her eyes only, no one else in the room. Neither of us needs to elaborate on who 'they' are.

She nods and tries to open her mouth to say something, but decides against it. There's a fear in her eyes that I know isn't entirely about telling me what she knows. It's something deeper. I can't press her on it, but I hope she trusts me enough to say it eventually.

Jacob Black puts a hand on her lower back to guide her out of my house, glaring at me as he passes through the doorway.

Then she's gone again and I don't know when I'll get to see her next.

Another strange feeling overcomes me, like how I felt driving her back here minutes ago. It's the precipice of a realization. I'm plunging into the void.

And now that the rain no longer dampens her, I realize Bella's scent is a bit different too. It is only when she looks back inside my house for a second and then lets the door close behind her do I realize what that fluttering sound is that surrounds her.

Another heartbeat.

Notes:

:0

Lol, but seriously, I doubt this is much a surprise for most of you. Just to clarify, this is not going to a traditional 'baby story' by any means. At this point, Bella doesn't even know herself and Sam doesn't know who the father is (him, duh). Plot and action will be coming first for the next couple of chapters as well, so I'll have to drag the reveal out for a tad bit longer.

And into some administrative (?) stuff: my semester has started up again. But I going to really try to get out the next five chapters before I might need to take a hiatus or at least have irregular updates due to school work. Then we will be at the halfway mark!

Chapter 16: Bella Part Eight

Summary:

"She did not know the nature of her loneliness. The only words that named it were: this is not the world I expected." ― Ayn Rand

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I really need to learn to stay away from things I don't understand.

And I barely understand myself these days.

 

 

 

 

 

There's a tug-of-war going on in my heart. I feel the anxiety creep up into me, barely allowing me to look at Jake as he leads me into the forest. But each time I stare, there's only amazement for his being. In all of their beings.

He's angry. I can tell that much. I know I was really stupid for snooping around his house, but I had to know. So I forced his hand and he's rightfully upset about it. Still, it hurts. It feels like he'll never manage to forgive me. It feels like no one will.

I kick a few rocks while we march, much as I did at the beach before I saw Leah. It's the only thing that surprisingly brings a small smile to my face.

I can't think about anything else. How much Jake hates me, how shocking the world is to produce two distinct creatures of the night, how Sam knows about the Cullens and I'll have to betray them. Those thoughts float around, but still I hear Leah's whisper: 'Don't you have a right to know?' I think about her words and wonder if that right extends to Jacob and Sam.

Jake turns around to glare at me alarmingly fast just as I've kicked another rock. I recoil a bit in shame.

"What do you want to know?" he sighs, sounding more aggrieved that he has to answer me rather than any desire to fix my worries. It's not the Jake I know.

"Why-why couldn't you tell me?" I ask, stuttering through the shock of it all. The hem of my pants is getting wet and cold the longer I stand in this stream. I might start to shiver again. Pathetic.

He laughs bitterly, "I was ordered not to. We have to listen to Sam."

"Why?"

"Because the gods gave him that power or some shit. We have to follow when he commands it. It's basically instinct."

Something twists inside of me again. "That's horrible."

"Yeah, well, all of it is."

I look down at the ground. I wiggle my toes in my shoes to spread some warmth, but it's no match for the rushing current. Damn, why did Jake have to take me here?

"How long will you be like this?" I whisper. My heart doesn't tell me what I truly mean by that question.

Jake's gaze burns into me, "Until the threat is exterminated. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"No, of course not," I say, wanting to curl up into myself.

He laughs again, a sick sound. "You know the Cullens caused this, right?"

I shake my head immediately, "No, they left a while ago. They aren't the ones killing people. They didn't do that."

"No, Bells. It was them moving here that caused our genes to awaken. Or has Sam not told you that?"

"Why would he tell me?" My voice is small.

He squints at me, "Because he was the first. It's why he's Alpha, after all."

"That must have been hard," I mumble, scratching my inner elbow. I can feel my body temperature in my face rise, but everywhere else plummets as the wind increases.

Jake's expression gets even worse. His eyes roll, but I can't spend too much time focusing on that right now. His comments about the Cullens suddenly press on my mind.

"What did you say about genes awakening?" I make sure my question is vague enough that Jake has the option to take it in any direction he wants, but I hope he'll soothe my ever-nagging curiosity.

His shoulders slump some, like the effort of explaining all of this to an outsider is too much. I know I don't deserve an explanation.

"All the Quileute men have the genes. Each time a vampire moves into town, they're activated. Vamps don't even have to be violent to cause it. Last time was maybe a hundred years ago. Until now, obviously"

"But the Cullens have been here for two years."

"Yeah, exactly how long Sam has had a stick up his ass."

I tear my eyes away from Jake and stare off into space. The forest around me hums, but I can't focus on a single thing. My legs grow cold now. I can feel the layers of warmth on my skin slowly disintegrating.

"So they did this to him," I breathe. Did they know? Did Sam know this whole time? The lack of answers hollows out my stomach even further. I never know what to think, what to feel.

"Come on, Bella. Don't feel bad for him. He's more than earned this punishment."

I look back up, "What did he do?"

Jacob grows annoyed again, "Does it matter? You'll ignore it like you ignored my warnings about Cullen."

"This isn't the same thing," I mutter.

"No, maybe not. Now you have even less choice."

There's too much hidden in his tone for me to wonder about what he means right now. But my body knows how to react to shame. My cheeks grow heated, pulling what little warmth I had away from the rest of my limbs.

A sorrow lingers over our heads. Maybe Jake's right. I've never had much choice at all. I've hardly chosen to do the opposite of what my instincts tell me. And since I'm not a superhuman creature, those gut feelings can hardly be trusted. Even if they still tell me the Alpha of their pack can be trusted, despite all of what Jake has said.

"You don't want to be friends anymore," I say. It's a logical conclusion.

He refuses to answer.

I find my eyes burn even worse now.

"It's alright. I can leave here and forget anything ever happened. Really it's," I'm about to say 'fine,' but I'm stopped mid-turn away from the scene.

"Bella, wait," he grabs ahold of my wrist and finally looks deeply into my eyes. "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault."

I bite my lower lip.

I don't want to tell him anything about Edward's breathtaking aura, about the need to be around him more than doing anything else, more than even breathing. I don't even want to think about it. But the way Jake looks at me and what his words imply, I know he sees me as only a remnant of that crippling desire. Like an addict who knocked on the doors of dangerous houses just to get another hit.

I know it's a completely reasonable thing to think of me. I can't even argue against it.

But Jake's words are softer than I expected: "It's all the anger still inside of me. I am sorry. It's hard to stop feeling it right now."

I move to look at him closer, "Then let me help, Jake. I don't want to see you like this."

"This is life for me now," he squeezes his eyelids shut. An old move of his I know to avoid talking about difficult things.

"But it can get better?"

"Maybe. Maybe if you stay out of trouble," he finally teases. He looks at me like he did weeks ago when we were working on the bikes. I swallow the anxiety building up in my mouth as Jake stares at me like he wants to brush a piece of hair out of my face.

"Definitely. No more trouble here. I swear," I try to even smile when I say it.

Jake smiles back at me, looking years older than I feel at the moment, "Good, now let's get you back to your truck so you can go home."

 

 

 

 

 

I realize as I'm halfway back to Forks that Jake didn't want me to stick around. He shooed me away from Embry and Paul in front of Sam's house quickly. The exhaustion of the day's events prevented me from seeing Jake's intentions right away.

It shouldn't sting. I don't belong to their pack anyway. There are probably lots of things I don't know about being a werewolf. It could slow them down asking everything.

I realize then that Jacob had me leave before I could set a time to see him again.

My stomach flops. I remember Sam's words. But I don't want to talk about those memories with him now. The hurt of the betrayal coupled with Sam's serious posture when he mentioned needing the information splits me in two. Surely, it can wait a few more days at least. Especially if Jake doesn't want me around.

I grip the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white.

 

 

 

 

 

The feeling of a rough hand gently caressing my face stirs me from my sleep later in the week. I know that hand. The moment I recognize him all the feelings of want and need I've been pushing back for many, many weeks now surface. Hot and sticky.

I try to open my eyes, but the world grows hazy so I surrender to the growing weight of my eyelids.

His body slides next to mine, and it reminds me suddenly of how someone else used to climb into my bed nightly. But this time, a shocking, but pleasant warmth spreads from his figure and I automatically press into it.

"How are you here?" I whisper to Sam, whose head now buries into my neck. His hot breath sears my flesh, but I realize immediately that if he were to leave now I'd die from the cold. I almost twirl my fingers through his short hair to make sure he cannot move away.

"It's a dream, Bella," he answers as he moves to nibble on my earlobe.

"Oh," I gasp. My back arches automatically. He uses the opportunity to slip one hand underneath me, pulling me closer to his naked chest.

"You haven't been thinking of me, have you?" he murmurs into my ear. The vibrations of his voice find themselves ricocheting all the way down to my core.

"Ah! No," I answer as a hand moves underneath the collar of my nightshirt. His fingers grace the tops of my breast. I'm ignited like never before.

"You want me here."

Two fingers work their way down my chest. I think I'm spasming now, but I do my best to limit his ability to notice the effect on me.

"Sam doesn't talk like this," I say back instead, trying to keep myself poised and unaffected. It probably works about as well as it ever did on Edward. To say never, actually.

"How would you know?" an even huskier voice answers.

He pinches my nipple. Hard.

I automatically stick my wrist into my mouth to muffle my screams. Sam's low chuckles heat me further, but annoy me endlessly. Charlie will hear, won't he?

"This is the version of me you want right now," he says. "And you want me doing things like this."

My whole breast is cupped by his hand while he continues to press down on the center with his thumb. I can feel his other hand move down my stomach until he reaches the lining of my shorts.

"You can allow yourself to think of us, just this once, okay?" he asks more gently than he did moments ago. He fully slips his hand down inside my underwear but doesn't make an effort to move any more than that.

I can open my eyes just long enough to find his umber stare. I don't peel away like I usually might. We stare as we did for a few seconds on that night. I remember the desire clearly, taking hold of my senses fully. Not even the remnants of alcohol had commanded me so.

But I've seen sworn off drugs and assumed this was another vice I couldn't engage in without losing my soul, no matter how much I might have wanted it.

Well, what's a little soul loss to a person like me? To someone who would have easily died for my god had he commanded it?

"Mmhm," I finally agree, nodding softly at him.

Sam dips a finger into my folds and I cry. Tears fall from my eyes as he mercilessly chases the spots that cause me to react the most. I feel as if I can hardly breathe.

Another finger enters me and I scream into my wrist again. He pumps into me, not hard or soft, but with the rhythm of a drummer, never wavering in pace or depth once. He's more perfect than I had given him credit for. Or maybe this is just my fantasy of him, wishing I could come undone with him once more.

Oh, man. Fuck. This is...

"Come," he commands.

I can't hold it in.

My whole body explodes and I convulse without any effort. Sweat drips down my skin and onto the bed. Onto Sam himself. It's the only sensation I can truly focus on without lifting off into space and never returning.

I turn to him after, my whole body flushed

"I want all of you," I beg. I try to fiddle with his pants' zipper so he gets the message, but Sam doesn't help me with my effort.

He looks at my bedroom door as if Charlie is about to come through any second. But can't I control this dream to prevent that? I'm not so sure…All I know is that I never want this to end.

Sam brushes his fingers against my jaw, "You have to wake up now."

 

 

 

 

 

I wake up moist, covered in sweat and tears. I find my bed absolutely drenched.

 

 

 

 

 

There's a heat clinging to my skin all day at school. I wonder if everyone can see it as I go about my classes. It's just another part of my anxiety that getting high would have lessened. Until I realize that I would be panicking about whether people could see me wasted so I suppose there are pros and cons to everything. I still have no plans to retreat on my goal to remain sober.

Jessica looks at me cautiously during lunch, "You look a little different, Bella."

I just shrug, "Just finally a little bit less stressed out, I think."

That's not a lie. The weight that has been lifted wondering about what happened to Jacob is gone. The truth still feels like it hasn't quite sunk in yet. But I've dealt with vampires before, there's only so much you can do in the face of supreme ability.

"Well, cheers to that!" Mike hits me lightly on the shoulder but I still lurch forward. "Hey, we should all go see a movie sometime to celebrate!"

The group all agrees and I smile encouragingly though I don't have a particular interest in being super social these days. The drama with Jake and his packmates has caused me to get tired a lot quicker. Recovering from anything now takes a while too. But it might be impossible to get out of going anyway. I see Mike too often due to working with him four shifts during the week. I try to tell myself that having other friends could help.

When we clear out for lunch, I find myself trailing behind Jessica in the hallway. I take another good look at her. She always looks so put together. Something I've consistently failed in. How do you look like you're on top of the world when you feel crushed by it so often.

"Things didn't work out with Mike and you, right?" I ask Jessica when we're out of earshot of the others. It has been months since they were even paired up romantically, but I never asked before and the moment for it

Jessica looks at me like she's both surprised and impressed I would ask. "Some things just don't, I guess."

"Yeah, I have my own experience with that," I laugh dryly, but the intent is not to be sarcastic at her. Rather I picture myself as an old man on a fishing boat shaking his fist up at God for not providing him a catch.

"Mike's not a bad guy. We're just not compatible," Jessica shrugs as if the truth of it is so obvious there's no emotion involved at all.

"It happens," I say and look down while grabbing a piece of my hair. Perhaps this is the conclusion Edward came to about me.

"At least he didn't leave me in a forest," Jessica snorts. "Seriously, Bella, don't ever go back to him."

I roll my eyes, "He's not going to come back. He made that pretty clear."

"Screw him then, you don't need him. There's always other guys."

My chest tightens and Jessica immediately notices it. She's far more perceptive than I'm comfortable admitting at the moment. I can see the way her eyebrows raise that she's waiting for me to talk about the 'other guys.' How she knows I'm thinking it is beyond my ability.

She presses me anyway after I stay silent and dumbstruck. "You've been hanging out a lot with that kid from the rez, right?"

"Jake," I say. "But uh, it isn't like that with him."

"Right."

"He's different now," is the most I tell her. Then I curse myself for falling into her trap. She sure knows how to make a person want to tell her information. "We're not compatible."

She turns to me fully now having reached the door of her next class. Jessica reaches out and grabs onto my left shoulder. The look she gives me is of support but contains an undeniable teasing attitude.

"Well, there's plenty of other options. Take the bull by the horns, Bella Swan!"

She winks and leaves me standing.

 

 

 

 

 

I call a number I have memorized by now despite only having dialed it once before. He doesn't pick up. Again. I begin to wonder about the odd hours being a werewolf requires. Jake or the others might have mentioned something about patrolling. I can barely remember.

But his husky voice still carries through the answering machine and I'm reduced to a blubbering mess once again.

"Um, sorry to bother you," I say. I want to hit myself over the head for starting like this. "But you're right, there are things you and everyone else should know about them. For the good of everyone, or something."

I'm glad no one can see me turn the shade of tomato now. The mirror in my room shows the truth to me, at least.

"If you're free, we can meet at their house tomorrow. Maybe around 5pm?"

There's no shift for me tomorrow at work and Charlie is still out regularly. It would give me enough time to come back from school, do some studying, and make myself somewhat presentable.

I say it like a question as if Sam can respond. He isn't, obviously. I almost smack myself again but stop short to wind my fingers through my hair ferociously. I'm acting as if he can tell what kind of dreams I've been having of him. Now my whole belly squeezes tight.

"Okay, thanks. Bye." I slam the 'end' button hard and toss my phone onto the bed as if it's now burned me.

I flop onto my bed and scream into a pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

The drive to their house takes a lot longer than I remember it. Maybe that's because Edward always insisted on speeding the whole way there, despite my pleas against it. Though I tried to understand. If you could move in the blink of an eye surely you'd want all your travel to be quick.

I don't get out of my truck until I see him come. It feels wrong to step onto the Cullen's land by myself, for reasons I can't articulate. Another moment of relief passes when Sam is within walking distance for me.

"I'm sorry to pull time out of your day," is the first thing I say when I see him. My cheeks burn still as if the feeling has never left me, not for a second.

"Don't be," he says as he walks up to me. "You're never a bother."

I'm sure I blush harder. Sam has a shirt on over his jean shorts, but the arms have been cut out. I deduce it must be for easy removal before he changes into his wolf form. There are so many things I can think of now that I missed.

The very first memory of Sam. He really did have a nail go through his hand. I feel so stupid for only putting that together just now. Why is it so hard for me to figure things out these days?

It certainly doesn't help that Sam still shines in the sunlight. In a completely different way than a vampire might. In a way that doesn't break me into pieces looking at such inhumane beauty but rather a man who has mastered nature, becoming more human than any of us. I lose track of time just looking at him.

"Sam, I won't tell your secret. I promise," I say to him. The feeling of being a monumental hypocrite still slaps me across the face. He doesn't have a reason to believe me when I'm about to betray the Cullens in front of him. "I understand why you didn't want to tell me."

The last part is said in a whisper, but Sam still hears it, nodding at me. I lose my nerve to say anything else, but his expression doesn't show one of anger or suspicion.

"Technically, I'm not supposed to be here," he tells me, a slight smirk on his face.

"Not supposed to talk to me?" I ask as my voice gets smaller.

He shakes his head, "No, definitely not. Rather, there was an old treaty we had with the Cullens. They wouldn't kill anyone in town and we'd stay off their land."

A breath escapes me, "Oh, wow. I thought I'd have to convince you that they were vegetarians. But you knew this whole time."

"They're still killers at heart, Bella."

"But they deny that part of them," I argue.

"For what end?"

The right answer might be 'I don't know.' I could ponder a whole host of reasons really: because eternity gets boring talking to the same people and you can't go out into the world with blood-red eyes. Because they generally enjoy the simplicity of us humans.

"Because murder is wrong. Carlisle has taught that to everyone," I say.

Sam doesn't answer me. He looks at me with something like pity. But he's wrong. I know the Cullens believed in humanity one way or another.

He looks away from me and towards their house. Almost as if he's considering the architectural integrity of the place. For being so modern, I imagine it's perfect in its design. In fact, I remember hearing Esme might have had a hand in developing it. I'm glad I never hinted at the idea that it was too contemporary for my taste. Too out of taste in this small town.

"Why did you take me here?" Sam breaks the silence and looks back at me. I think I shrink further.

I swallow again, "I don't know. Maybe because if I'm going to spill their secrets, I should at least be trying to remember them as people too."

Again, Sam is silent. But I ignore him for now. I take a deep breath and let my crisp air cool me. There are memories of this place I had locked away. I didn't want to remember the good times now that they won't come back. However, the happy faces of Esme, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle can't be so ignored. His though, well, I've seen enough of his to wait years until I can remember him happy again.

"They have special powers," I say. I think I choke back a sob.

Sam's brow furrows.

"Well, not all of them," I laugh a little. "Just Edward, Alice, and Jasper."

"What do you mean 'powers?'" Sam asks.

I take another breath and look at the man in front of me once more. I try to imagine the strength he's composed of, that can be seen in every muscle of his, lending itself to me for this moment.

"Edward could read minds. It's why fighting him would be so impossible."

Sam takes a step forward, "He did that to you?"

I shake my head, "No, not me. He could read every mind but mine. No one knows why."

He weighs the information I've just given him, "The other two?"

My fingers burn with the crackling of betrayal. I rub my hands together to get rid of the feeling. "Alice could see the future. At least a few days in advance, but sometimes years, I think. And Jasper is an empath. He can change how people feel instantly."

I look back over their house and try to focus on a memory of Jasper doing this to me. Suddenly everything gets hazy and I blink repeatedly in confusion. I do remember Jasper keeping his distance from me, a lot. For reasons only most evident at my failed birthday party. Upon touching that memory, I get woozy again.

Sam rustles behind me. "I imagine these types of powers can be found in all vampires."

"Yes," I nod. "James was a tracker. He could find anyone."

"James?"

I look down at my wrist where his teeth marks are normally hidden behind a sleeve. Suddenly I remember an instance of Jasper using his power on me. Trying to make me calm in the hotel room in Arizona. It worked, only momentarily.

"One of the vampires from last spring," Sam concludes.

My heart jolts. I should have expected Sam could figure that out. Obviously, the math from when he first became a werewolf allows for him to have been around during that time.

"You didn't fight him, did you?" I ask, worry filling my head.

"Didn't have a chance," Sam crosses his arm. "The leader of your Cullens said they had been dealt with before I saw them. Besides, it would have just been Paul and me. Now that you say they can have powers, that makes our chances even worse, for whatever threat is coming."

My eyes widen, "I've seen you though. Well, just Jake and Paul. But you guys look just as strong and capable."

Sam chuckles, "I appreciate that, Bella."

"Sure," I say, blushing and looking at the ground.

We stand in silence again, listening to the sounds of the forest. I still stare at their house, remembering looking outside from the large glass windows. I remember beautiful melodies coming from the piano. I remember feeling like I could listen to Carlisle's stories about philosophy and medicine for days, only having the night be cut short with Edward's insistence that I go home to sleep. Even Rosalie's cold attitude shined when she talked to Emmett and seeing another form of that idyllic love only made me like her more.

But happy memories can hurt too. I sigh, like a weak vacuum slowly siphoning off my air, realizing it much too late when I'm about to hit empty. Months ago, I couldn't be here. I would have insisted on getting high to deal with this pain.

Sam speaks again, "Is there anything else you want to tell me?" One eyebrow is cocked upwards at me, his expression waiting for me. It doesn't seem like he's asking about vampires.

My heart reacts immediately. Thudding helplessly in my chest. Surely he can't mean talking about that night? Between us?

I'm an idiot for thinking it was possible to continue like it never happened. I can see now that's not fair for him. Maybe he wants some type of closure. I don't know how much I can talk about it though, not when I'm dreaming about him now. He probably wants to forget it just as much. I can't even tell what I feel around him. Embarrassment floods my senses, but I gather a little courage.

"Are you-" I try to say, but get cut off.

"Hold on." Sam gently grabs me and puts me behind him. I gasp at the contact, feeling even just a brush of his warmth ignite me. "Something's not right."

He scans the forest. I see his nostrils flare like he's even smelling for something. His hold stance becomes rigid

"What's going on?" I whisper. I hold onto his forearm because it seems like the sensible thing to do. "Sam?"

A breeze blows through the area and it's enough for Sam to go completely still. If it lasts a second longer, I'll shake him and demand an explanation.

But there's no point. There's a creature standing here who's capable of being even more still than Sam is now. A kind that never needs to move, not even breathe. She looks at us humorously, her head tilted and lips upturned. The only thing of motion from her is her mess of red curls swinging in the wind.

I don't know if I can accurately describe the fear. The weeks of worrying about her arrival, always at the back of my head, mixed with ten other problems. I had felt so close, so impossibly close to believing I might get better. Might be safe if I trust Sam like every bone in my body tells me to, even if Jake despises him. An illusion, that was.

She looks at me as if she knows the terror she's just cast back into my life. Maybe she laughs, eyes glowing red and hungry.

"Hello, lovelies," Victoria smiles. "I hear you've been talking about my mate."

Notes:

Oooof, I'm not crazy about leaving cliffhangers in the middle of a scene, but I think it's necessary to flip the POV here for the upcoming events. It shall get violet with the next two chapters!

And overall, not super happy with this chapter, but please enjoy some saucy dreams for your viewing pleasure. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 17: Sam Part Nine

Summary:

"Here then at long last is my darkness. No cry of light, no glimmer, not even the faintest shard of hope to break free across the hold." ― Mark Z. Danielewski

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The bloodsucker smiles at us as Bella clings to me. I push her behind me further. The scent of decay is even more pungent than I remember it from dealing with the dark-skinned leech. She smells positively drenched in the aura of death.

Her eyes are bright red. Instinct tells me that means she's recently fed. I don't know how I know that so certainly but now isn't the time to question it.

"Victoria," my imprint whimpers. The fear in her voice causes Bella's whole body to shake.

This-Victoria-shines even brighter at hearing her name. She looks at us like we are ants carrying crumbs to her colony. Everything I've been training for dissipates instantly. I don't know how to fight or talk. Not even facing and killing another bloodsucker before her helps here. Still, I muster what strength I have left.

"I recommend you leave right now," I bite out at her. "You know what I am."

She laughs like nails on a chalkboard. My direct words haven't surprised her at all. That confirms that she is the one who has been tempting us these last weeks. She's been killing people for us. My stomach threatens to eject out all of my food at this realization.

"I really am rather impressed by your little group. You manage to protect your land quite well. Always hunting in a pack," she laughs at the last part.

I don't know whether this is flattery or the biggest insult. The way she talks makes me feel as if she's been counting on this fact the whole time. But now can't be the moment where I falter. Not with Bella near me.

"Then you should be wary. Leave and stay away from our land and we won't follow," I respond, broadening my shoulders.

She takes a step towards us and I stiffen in response. Her own movement looks as if she's floating across the grass. Inhumane and deadly. A creature should not be as majestic as this; it's a disguise of a predator.

"I would," she says, "but I have some unfinished business to attend to."

"Whatever it is, it can't be worth your own life," I threaten her.

The left corner of her mouth lifts high, "Maybe it is."

"I could destroy you here," I growl.

She smirks, "I believe it. It's not death I'm particularly opposed to. Losing James has caused that. No, it's the lack of justice before my death that gets me. I simply won't have it."

The same James Bella has just talked about?

I grind my teeth, "You don't strike me as the arbiter of justice."

The wind howls and her putrid smell hits me again. If I feel so close to vomiting, I wonder how Bella must feel. But I take a look at her and remember she's human. She can't smell a vampire like I can. She's much more vulnerable here. I hold onto her tightly as we continue to stare at the redhead.

"Typically I'm not," she agrees. "But Bella knows what I'm here for, right?"

My imprint sucks in a breath behind me and whispers, "A mate for a mate."

I turn to her, "What?"

But Bella doesn't answer. Victoria just tilts her head approvingly in response. I wonder if she's got the same power that Bella just told me Edward Cullen has, the sick fuck. Can she read our minds? Or does she just know a lot more than we do? Worst of all, it seems Bella knows exactly what Victoria wants and by the sound of it so far, it isn't good.

Danger, threat, my instincts sing to me.

The vampire looks over at the mansion behind us and her expression changes for the first time since she's been here. A look of sorrow and pain glistens behind those blood eyes. But it's not nearly enough for me to care.

"It's a shame how they left you so lonely here," Victoria coos.

"Bella is with me," I growl.

Another revolting laugh, "That so? My, my, Bella. You must teach me how you manage to get so many people to like you. Though to be honest, I would have expected the Cullens to have taken you with them when they ran. Not very hospitable."

"They're gone," she speaks out. "I'm not important to them anymore."

Another step forward from Victoria and we both brace for impact once again. Bella's grip on my arm would be excruciating if I was a regular man. I thank the gods I'm not so I could stand a chance in protecting her here.

"I really don't believe that," the vampire posits. "I think you're very important indeed."

"Just to me," I snarl. "And if I were you, I wouldn't want to stick around for me to prove it."

She throws up her hands in a faux gesture of kindness and regret. "No, no, wolf boy. I have no intentions of hurting Bella right now. Though it's the least of what she deserves."

I bristle at that. She's dead, she's so fucking wrong.

She chooses to elaborate, "Bella here is responsible for my mate's death. And frankly, I've decided that she will pay for it."

"Please," Bella begs behind me.

"Not today!" Victoria laughs. "And, I have a feeling your little group is responsible for the death of my close friend since I haven't heard back from him in months. Surely that deserves justice too?"

Her friend?

Bella turns to me, "Laurent. In the meadow."

The dark-skinned vampire. Shit.

"He was in our land, I feel no remorse for his death," I say instead. And how could I when the freak was about to bite Bella? The redhead bitch probably doesn't know that.

Victoria shrugs, "It hardly matters. You see, the important thing for me is to have the Cullens here to see Bella die. That's my price."

"Not happening," I nearly yell at the top of my lungs.

Bella shakes her head behind me, "They don't care."

"They do!" Victoria snarls at her, breaking her easy-going facade, but immediately snapping back into it. "I would like it very much if you could bring them back."

Bella moans, "I can't." She digs her fingers into my arm even harder, finally eliciting a hiss from me. But I'll endure all the pain in the world to keep her safe.

"Well, then let me provide an incentive: I'm going to kill someone close to you every few weeks until they return. Simple!"

A sob of horror comes from behind me.

"You can't do that," Bella cries. I smell the salt of her tears and become even more agitated to rip this leech's throat out.

"I can and I will," Victoria smiles. "Starting tonight."

"No!" Bella screams and thrashes against me, "Just take me! Take me instead! I'm the only one who needs to die."

I curse under my breath. The only one? How could Bella want to sacrifice herself when that's going to kill two people?

My breath hitches. I've spent the week not thinking about it at all. I tried to rationalize the sound coming from her, maybe it was a congenital heart defect I could only hear recently. But now, its truth sticks out to me. And another terrible fact does as while: Bella doesn't know. Because if she did, she wouldn't offer to die for everyone.

I clutch her behind me, preventing her from moving to be at all near the bloodsucker.

It pains me more than I know to contemplate who else has been with Bella, who the father of her child is, but I won't let either of them die for a deranged killer. There's no hostility in me for the life of an unborn innocent and I'm sure there's none in Bella either, whenever she figures it out for herself.

"It's not going to happen," I finally say. "My pack won't let you get near anyone."

"Is that a challenge?" she winks at me.

I'm filled with disgust.

The monster looks behind her shoulder out at the forest as if she's already late for something. The rage that I'm filled with at her behavior is nothing I've ever experienced before. If not for my years of practicing self-restraint coupled with copious self-hatred, I know I would have phased right here and gone for her throat.

She turns back to us with a sly smile, "I think you better prepare. I hear funerals can be quite expensive these days."

Victoria leaves us there without even so much as

The world stands still once more.

I hear a sob coming from Bella. It's enough to bring me back to reality. There are things a lot more important than me and my own horror at the situation. It's time to be a leader. And above that, a protector.

I grab her by the shoulders, "It's going to be okay."

"No, no," she cries, not even caring to wipe the tears from her eyes. "They're going to die."

"No one is going to die tonight," my voice is stern despite knowing I can't actually promise her this. "I need you to go to your truck right now, okay? I need to phase and talk to the others."

Bella cries, "Please don't leave, Sam. I can't, I can't!"

"I will not leave you out of my sight. You've got to trust me, Bella," I lead her to her metal truck and guide her inside on the passenger side.

She seems to lose control of her body entirely, violent sobs overtaking her. I wonder how unhealthy this is in her current state, but there's not a moment I can dedicate to thinking about it.

"Two minutes and I'll be back. Trust me," I beg at the end.

She doesn't even look at me. I close the door, keeping her inside.

I run off to a somewhat hidden location and discard my clothing. I keep my word to Bella and watch her bury her face into her hands as she continues crying.

Immediately I'm hit with panic from my pack mates. They each show me images of them running around in the forest tirelessly. But the jumps between each of their memories are impossible to form a coherent picture with. Even their voices layer over each other in our link.

It's another mess.

"Sam!"

"Where have you been?"

"Shit's gone crazy," Paul says.

I can finally see out of someone's eyes, maybe Jared, and their confusion around smelling the death scent of vampire near us has led them on a chase throughout the forest. They've been hoping I would catch a sniff of it soon, but they didn't know I agreed to meet Bella off the rez land. A careless mistake.

They've been convinced they were on the heels of a vampire, but they weren't able to catch up just yet. And fuck, Jacob's been gone too. Baby Alpha could have been useful for once.

I show them very quickly the demon I've just encountered. My feelings of rage at her for threatening Victoria echo throughout them. Then the terror of whoever is going to be targeted tonight comes.

"It's not going to come to that," I say again. "We're going to meet up soon and hunt this bitch out."

But I look over at Bella again and try to decide what to do with her. I can't bring her back to her father's house so unprotected right now.

"Fuck, fuck," I think. "Harry's house is closest, I'm bringing Bella there now. Someone needs to reach Jake and Billy."

"Are you expecting me to leave my mom unguarded?" Embry cries.

The other two think of their own families. Paul even thinks of Emily.

"We don't have to worry about anyone if we don't let Victoria out of our sight, understand? I need you in the forest hunting for her now."

They don't believe my words easily. I don't have fucking time for this.

"NOW."

They scramble.

I phase back and run to Bella, opening the car door and starting the engine. She looks at me with wide, sore eyes.

"I'm taking you to a safe house."

"There's no such thing when dealing with them," she moans.

I hold onto her hand as I spin her truck around, the inertia almost causing her to slam into me. I steady her again as best as possible, but she cries more.

"Remember what she said," I try to look into her brown eyes as I sped down the road. "She's not going after you tonight. We've got to mount a defense right now."

She cries fully now, but I'm speeding down the highway in her pathetically old truck that can barely go about 50mph, thanks Jacob, and I don't have any words to say to comfort her. I don't have them for the pack either when we regroup. And I don't have any for myself.

"I'm trying to remember," she hiccups, "what happened in Phoenix. But it's so blurry."

The sun sets behind us and we go further into the night.

"What happened?" I know my tone isn't gentle and it hurts me to be this way, but I put on a voice close to the Alpha voice to coax her words.

"James, her mate," Bella says.

Then she holds up her wrist and I see.

I know what those marks are. And I know what a bite usually means. I breathe in Bella's scent through my nose. Different, yes, but still human. It should be impossible.

"How are you still alive?" I grit through my teeth.

She cries and only now tries to wipe away her tears. "Edward sucked the venom out. That's why they killed him. Because he was hunting me."

I hit the steering wheel and she flinches.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Fuck. Jesus," I swear a million other things underneath my breath.

She stops sobbing and reaches over to touch my shoulder. I don't flinch at all despite my anger. Her touch soothes a crying part inside of me. I helplessly lean into it.

"It's okay. I'm alive."

For now.

"Now she's going to hunt you until she dies," I swear. "And I swear that's going to be soon."

Bella says nothing, only grips the seat buckle against her lap tighter. I look at her and wonder how far along she actually is. It must be recent if she's not showing.

"Wherever you're taking me, she shouldn't go near, right?" Bella asks.

"We won't let her."

There are a million more things that could be said, but we arrive in front of Harry's place. Small, but bigger than Billy's. They should be able to accommodate her just fine.

"Explain to Harry and Sue what's happened. They know our secret. Just not Leah or Seth," I tell her.

I get out of her truck and toss her the keys. Bella blinks at me, words stuck in her throat. I want to stay and comfort her more, I do. But her future safety and the immediate danger to everyone else means I can't. It'll be worth it if she's alive and upset more than dead.

"Sam, wait," she clutches my hand.

I look into her worried eyes and do as she says.

"Victoria has an ability too. I remember now. She's able to tell when she's close to danger. You'll never be able to get to her."

Fucking shit.

"Well," I hiss, "if we can't catch her then we'll have to chase her out."

She squeezes my hand, "Please be careful. I don't feel good about this."

I turn my hand over beneath hers so we're grasping each other. I almost get lost in her eyes. Maybe I'm just lost right now in general.

"I will be fine. The pack will be fine."

She nods and releases my fingers.

I want to kiss her now. Not even on her lips. Her cheek or her forehead. I want to bend down and press a remnant of my feelings onto her skin, but we part without anything happening. There's no time to spend wanting and being destroyed over it.

Only after I've scattered far enough away do I turn back to see that Sue opens the door for her. Good. This first problem has been dealt with. I hope Bella can trust them enough to tell them what's needed. Harry knows how Bella was entirely abandoned by that wretched vampire family anyway.

I end up shredding my clothes as I phase again. I won't waste a second regrouping with the others.

They immediately bombard me with images of Victoria running cliff edges and jumping from trees. Each time one of them got close, she'd twist down a hidden path and increase the distance. Shit, we need Jacob, he's the fastest of us now.

Though I'm not sure if speed is going to be of any use now that I know the bitch has some kind of power to detect immediate danger. I relay this information.

"Shit, Sam, this is impossible," Paul yells.

I don't have time for this whining.

"We're going to find a way," I answer immediately.

By my estimate, I'm still a few miles off from them, but I know enough shortcuts to catch up quickly. I know this forest, better than any of them actually.

"And we all know this land better than her," I say. "Give me more memories of her movements. There's got to be a pattern."

I know she's been around the area, but her kills have never ventured onto our land quite yet. She's got to be flying blind here. And when you're in an unknown territory, you're left with only a few strategies to find an out.

The three of them show me flashes of her movements. She's not dumb, I'll give her that. But if I look close enough, her reactions tell me she's gambling on whether each spot can give her a new path forward. Vampire minds work quickly so she's been able to figure out something so far. We've got to corner her in a place where there's no escape.

My conclusion bolsters the group's confidence just enough for us to pick up our speed.

Right when I join them in their chase, Jacob's red form meets us on the left flank.

"I smelled leech," he hisses. "Phased immediately."

"Where's your dad?" I growl.

I see the last image of Jacob leaving his father by their TV and sprinting so quickly he hadn't time to hear our conversation about the threat.

He picks out my recent experience with Bella, but shockingly doesn't entirely flip out.

"She's so dead."

We all agree.

"But the bloodsucker said she's going for someone close to Bella, wouldn't that mean Charlie? Or maybe her other friends in Forks?" Jacob asks.

Fuck. Bastard is right.

"Then she's got to be planning to turn that way," I conclude. "Where are we at now? We've got to block any turns she makes south."

They all agree and rearrange their positions so Victoria can't easily make a turn right. When she looks back to see what we're doing, she smirks.

Disgusting redheaded witch.

She might even wave back at us. I snap my teeth together and bark. I'm absolutely rabid. She will not hurt my imprint. If she harms a single hair on her body, I swear to god. I will burn the bitch alive.

Jared gives me a look that tells me he'd do the same if the shoes were reserved. I'd nod back to him if I could. It may be the first time I don't bristle at his mention of our similar imprinting.

I quickly shift to relaying the images of Victoria's movements as I'm heading the pack while chasing her. I tell Jacob to be ready to pounce as soon as I see an opening where she'll get trapped in.

She takes us across cliffs and even jumps between trees. We growl at her from below, whenever she decides to take momentary flight. Victoria later decides moving about like an orangutan doesn't give her enough speed so she joins us on the forest floor again. How unlucky for her.

There are a few times I can almost see where she's getting claustrophobic. Ravines too skinny, trees too bunched together. Both of us could run through them, splintering the wood in seconds, but that would be too long a delay for her and she knows it.

I don't know how much exhaustion is a thing for vampires, but at the very least she can't sustain quick-thinking getaways forever. She's going to be overwhelmed eventually.

I rally my troops with this reasoning and we all manage to pick up the pace once more.

We're running, we're running fast. Maybe we can catch this bitch. I can almost sink my teeth into her heel. I just need a little bit more. Just an ounce more.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see two pale hands come out from the treeline. They push a giant boulder down a cliff. It falls right towards us.

My mind freezes but my body keeps going. I'm still on Victoria's heels. I don't know how to slow myself. None of my pack does either. We're going too fast now. We're going to collide with the massive rock. My vision turns black in a matter of seconds. I'm heading straight into my death with no brakes.

The impact never hits me. There's a sound too loud behind me that it wipes out my eardrums for a few moments.

My muscles tense up, but my limbs work without my impact. I haven't been hit, I need to keep going. Victoria can't have what she wants.

I realize I'm the only one still running. The others have phased back and gathered behind Embry as he wails in pain from being stuck underneath the boulder. Jared, Paul, and Jacob manage to move the thing off of him. I can see enough of what they're thinking to know Embry's been mutilated.

But I push their thoughts out of my mind and still trail Victoria. She turns behind and laughs at me once again.

"Sam! What do we do?" Jared yells into my mind.

"Dude, his leg is fucked," Paul tries to say with a neutral tone, but I can hear nausea behind his words.

And Embry's leg is indeed broken. So broken in fact that it has been turned the opposite direction it should go. His body is already repairing the skin that got torn off by the impact, but the pool of blood on the ground is still huge. Red and sticky.

The wound is a mess. Since he is healing rapidly, the leg is starting to set in the opposite direction, swollen and so purple it's nearly black.

"You should get back here," Jacob hisses in my head. Neither of us comments on our knowledge that if I give up chasing Victoria now, she's going to kill someone.

But fuck. The images of Embry screaming on the forest floor. The pain I can nearly feel in my own body. He's not able to fight like this or run even at half pace. He's been completely devastated.

He's my half-brother. I've already made my choice before I thought about it.

I'm back in front of them within minutes.

"Get me a stick now!" I bellow at the others as I press into Embry's chest to keep him down. He thrashes around, his entire face turning bright red from the exhaustion of his body trying to heal itself over and over again.

Jared turns away and gags. Paul is also immobilized. But Jacob gets it together enough to get me what I need. A thick twig that I immediately shove into Embry's mouth. He sobs and tries to get it out of his mouth. I'm far stronger at the moment so I hold it down despite his protests. His sounds are instantly muffled.

"Bite when it hurts," I tell him. I don't look into his eyes as I do this. My stomach goes sour knowing he doesn't have an idea of what I'm about to do.

"Jared, Paul, get back here and hold down his arms," I order as the Alpha. It's enough to snap them out of their shock.

Jacob looks at me with apprehension, the only one of them composed enough to do so. Fuck, maybe he's destined to be Alpha after all. He watches as I move to Embry's legs and lightly grip onto the deformed one.

"His other leg," I point out to the baby wolf. Jacob nods and sits across from me over Embry.

My half-brother begins to go delirious. His eyes roll back in his head as if he can't remain on this conscious plan any longer. It's shock. I know that much. A prelude to worse if I don't act fast.

"Hold him down no matter what," I tell everyone. I can't bother to wait if they hear and agree.

With my hands spread out on each end of his broken leg, I snap the wound.

Embry's eyes open wide and he screams into the forest.

"Bite down," I hiss at him. It'll destroy me later, I'm sure. The inability to offer him any comfort at this moment. There isn't even any morphine to take away his pain. Only a rotten twig between his teeth. It's another thing that'll eat away at my soul. I have no place being the leader of these teens.

I have to inspect my results. His leg is now rehealing the right direction, but it's still crooked. If it were to be left like this, he'd walk with a limp. I'll have to break it again.

God, I'm sorry, Embry.

I swallow and look up, meeting Jacob Black's eyes. He nods at me to go ahead again. My heart threatens to beat out of my chest, but I look down at Embry's broken leg and know he deserves to be whole again.

The second crunch is just as sickening as the first. Embry lets out a strangled cry that tells me he's choking on his own spit. But he can't continue to make noise for very long, his whole body going slack as his nerves seem to reach a breaking point with the pain.

His leg is now reset fine. I know he still can't walk right now. The red swelling around the wound is healing too slowly, but the absence of those deep purple bruises is a welcome sight at least.

I sigh and wipe the sweat off my brow. The others release Embry's working limbs as he starts to shake. He turns to the side and attempts to hug himself in a fetal position.

We can't leave him here in the forest to chase after the leech. I look out as far as I can with the night still dark. She's long gone by now, there's no point for me to even try to sniff her out. Embry's back is being rubbed by Jared and I can see everyone's opinion on who deserves help the most.

I'm sorry, Bella. I couldn't protect the people you were willing to sacrifice yourself for.

Tears form in the corner of my eyes, but I can't deal with it now. The responsibility of being an Alpha does not wane ever, especially not now.

"Let's carry him back," I announce.

We're miles off from Harry's place, but with our strength and speed, it shouldn't take too long. Embry's not fighting us anymore as he's passed out cold. It makes for an easy carry. I still handle his injured leg while the others lift underneath his shoulders and torso.

As we walk, I think of the hands I saw push the rock in front of us. The image was clear at the time, but now my memory becomes hazy. If Bella was right about Victoria, then perhaps she could sense the incoming boulder and lead us straight into a trap. Either way, she's going to take full advantage of our distraction. I only beg the universe that I don't have to tell Bella that her father is dead.

Something prickles on the back of my neck. I know this feeling. It's all instinct, all-knowing, and all dreadful.

Vomit rises in my throat. This can't be happening now.

Someone else has phased.

I immediately think of Quil Ateara's face. Young and impressionable like the others. Not deserving of this burden. But why the fuck did he have to phase now? I can't help him. I could barely help Embry. And I certainly failed Bella.

Though more panic seeps into every cell in my body, exhaustion overwhelms my mind. Everything is going fuzzy once again.

I don't consider myself a religious man. There's hardly a unifying religion between the tribes on the rez. But I still send up desperate prayers to the gods I can imagine. Their faces carved out of wood and creepy to me as a kid. Somehow, it's all I have to keep walking. The phrase 'no atheists in foxholes' stands out to me. Maybe it's true; I do need a supreme being's help to survive this.

I only know that more despair awaits when we return.

Notes:

Sam has not had a good night so far. And sadly it might still get worse for him and Bella :/ But I can promise it will NOT be Charlie who Victoria targets! I like him too much to kill him off lol (plus I'm certain you all would go crazy if I did :p). Stay tuned for part two of the mid-point climax next week!

Chapter 18: Bella Part Nine

Summary:

“I am one who has been acquainted with the night” ― Robert Frost

Notes:

Longest chapter yet! But be warned, some more violence ahead.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Sam's gone and I'm going to throw up.

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm going to throw up," I tell Harry and Sue as soon as I enter their house. I can't even see anything around me as the need to vomit hits me so suddenly. My vision tunnels and I know I'm losing stability on my feet.

Sue puts her hand on my back and guides me down a hallway. I see the toilet and fall in front of it before I can even think of something to say.

The 'click' of the door being fully closed by Sue is the only thing I hear besides the sounds of my own gagging. I barely register how impolite it is to not thank her. But my body shakes and the sickness doesn't subside for many long minutes.

How long have I been feeling this way? I only now realize how sick I've felt for weeks now. The stress is getting to me. I can't handle this anymore. When I bring my fingers to wipe away my hair from my forehead, the tears streaming down my face finally become apparent.

God, I wish Sam was here.

I cry more thinking this. How much more selfish can I be? He's trying to protect everyone and I can't take him from that. I couldn't even try now anyway, I don't know how to reach a pack of wolves in the middle of nowhere.

I know I'm going to come out of the Clearwater's bathroom looking like a mess. The deadness I feel behind my eyes certainly must be external as well. I feel fragile, like a strong just of wind would be enough to knock me over.

Warm arms envelop me when I step outside.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," Sue says into my ear. I think I collapse crying on her shoulder, but I can't tell. "You can explain everything to Harry and me."

She guides me to the living room and lets me sit down on their old beige couch. I hold myself tight, trying to increase the little heat I have from my jacket. Harry looks at me without any suspicion or disbelief. It becomes unnerving, realizing many more people are privy to secrets I thought I would have to take to my grave.

Sue rubs my back again, "We trust Sam completely. I'll go make sure Seth and Leah don't come downstairs right now, okay?"

As she walks away, my mind clears for just a second. I remember her daughter sitting on the beach with me, resolute in her anger at the word. More determined than I'll ever be.

"Leah…," I mumble, then I remember: "Leah and Sam were…"

I don't know why the words almost hurt to say.

Harry offers me a sad smile, "Wasn't meant to be."

I gape at the man whose daughter's heart has been broken. The way her eyes shined when she talked of Sam becomes obvious to me now. And again, my chest seizes at the thought that someone else has been so affected by him.

I can't be thinking like this. Not when I know my reaction to hearing anything comparable relating to Edward would be much, much worse.

How long have vampires ruled my life?

"He's going to die out there," I nearly cry again. "And the others."

Harry shakes his head, "The wolf is a powerful protector. Is there a Cold One on our lands now?"

"Yes," I whisper. Blasphemy is all I think about myself to have wished for their kind to return.

I continue, "She's after me."

The old man nods and shifts his weight in his recliner, "Then Sam will fight even harder to kill her."

I would argue with him, explain the disparate pieces that give me the impression that danger is still coming, but Sue's heavy footsteps break my resolve. I turn to watch her and wonder what my own mother would do in a situation like this. Renee would be hysterical and I couldn't spend a second feeling anything myself.

The thought causes me to swat at my blossoming tears more.

Sue lays a knitted quilt over my lap. Soft and made with love and history and culture. Nothing that really exists in my life. I sob silently.

But both pairs of kind eyes bare into my soul and despite neither pressing me for answers, I find myself spilling everything to them. Victoria's motivations and my own near-death at the hands of James. Harry took an interest in learning vampire venom could be survived, but not without its own risk.

I remember feeling so guilty for causing Edward pain over saving my life. Still undeserved, to this day.

Oh god, if I'd have died there then the Quiletes wouldn't be in danger now.

Neither of the Clearwaters makes a judgment towards that line of thinking. Sue turns her head upwards as if she's heard something and furrows her brow.

"They're trying to listen in," she sighs. "Typical of them. I need to yell at them some more."

When she leaves for a second time, Harry must see the confusion on my face because he laughs at me.

"A mother's intuition. Powerful stuff. Come on, Isabella, let's go outside to talk some more."

He guides me outside and I take the quilt with me, letting it fall on the ground as it becomes obvious it's now taller than I am. I think of the time and effort that go into making something like this and once again realize I have nothing to offer of similar value.

Harry watches me cry more, kind but not pressing to comfort me immediately. It causes me to sober up for a few seconds, but then burst into tears again when I look out into the forest and remember what's going on. Victoria could tear them all to shreds.

My vision is so watery that I can't even see Harry reach to touch my shoulder. His hand is calloused and firm. He pulls me up straighter so I can at least try to look into his eyes as he speaks. But I think my mind is too scrambled to really focus.

"You can be strong," Harry tells me. "It's still within you. That ability does not leave us until our last breath."

I shake my head furiously and hold myself tighter. The night chill bites my skin, but I can't focus on warming myself now even if I tried.

"I-I can't," I cry. "Not without him. He took that when he left."

Harry nods, "Yes, that is what their kind does. They take. But you are not broken, Bella Swan. You have too much of your father in you for that."

I look up at him from below my wet lashes. How can I not be broken after all I've felt and done since Edward left me?

"He reacted similarly when Renee left and took you with," he admits. "But your old man pulled through and so will you."

Almost, I shake my head again, but the thoughts of Charlie stuck in Forks while his ex-wife leaves and keeps him from his daughter overcomes my senses. I shed more tears at that thought. And with Charlie's parents long since passed, he was left alone. Then I look at myself, I'm not entirely alone, am I? I have Jake, and Sam, and even Angela and Jessica too. All threatened by Victoria.

"She won't take me," I hiccup. "She wants to kill everyone else first."

With a sigh and another shake of his head, Harry's voice grows firmer, "It is admirable to wish to protect others. But your desire will not be achieved if you die so easily. Other people will be depending upon your strength as well."

I don't know what to say to him, anything I might come up with would likely be a disappointment. So I bite my lip, worsening the already chapped feeling.

We turn towards the forest once again. The trees become long lines of dark shadow, the leaves gently bouncing in the wind. And with the stars splattered across the sky, I'd almost say this scene is beautiful. But the thought of Sam looking at those same stars while he's hit and thrown around by Victoria. What if he's on the forest floor and the North Star is the last thing he sees?

"I don't know how to be strong for him," I whisper.

"You do," Harry says.

I bite my lip harder, "But what if it's already too late?"

"You would feel it if he were gone," Harry answers.

I don't know how true this is, but his tone tells me I shouldn't argue. I don't think I have this institution, the bond with nature, that the rest of the Quilettes seem to have. But the thought that Harry sees me possessing something similar makes me feel as if I am almost accepted here. Maybe that's just because of Charlie though.

"She's strong," I admit. "But I think she's even smarter than a regular vampire."

"She cannot escape the strength of the pack mind."

I turn back towards him, "Pack mind?"

He raises an eyebrow at me like I should have known this all along, "Yes. They can talk see through each other's eyes while in wolf form."

Oh. My stomach drops.

The first thought is just how weird that is. And how it's also strange I'm reacting to it like that when Edward could read everyone's mind anyway. I suppose I was spared from that, but if Sam has thought at all about us then everyone else knows. No wonder Jake has been so angry with me. He's got to know

I look at Harry's soft but old eyes and wonder if he knows too.

"Do not worry, Bella child, the vampire will not be able to escape when many eyes can follow her tracks."

Suddenly, the wind howls, and a creeping feeling shoots up my spine. I know what's lurking behind the corner. I hope for a single second that if I don't turn around the threat will dissipate. Maybe I'm a sucker for hopeless optimism after all. But reality always wins.

 

 

 

 

 

"Unless, of course, you maim one of them and they all have to stop," Victoria's honeyed voice answers Harry.

She stands with a smug smile on her face, her hair even brighter at night as the moon shines on her like she's a goddess. I can now see she's anything but. Her thirst for human blood shows itself in the way her eyes have darkened since I last saw her. She's here to hurt people. Me most of all.

I gasp as her expression grows even more cat-like, "What did you do?"

She laughs, "None of them are dead yet, sweetie. No, you see, my plan is different. Some offerings must be taken in person."

In a flash, Victoria's arms are around Harry and he struggles to escape, much like a fly smashed between two glass panels. He can't escape her, but that conclusion hasn't reached his mind yet so he still thrashes the little bit he can.

"Please, god, don't," I beg.

"You're quite the pretty picture when you're scared. Anyone ever told you that?"

Maybe James; I swallow as I think it. But I'm not stupid enough to say that now. Stillness envelopes me. I'm afraid to even breathe for fear of triggering her wrath. It's a little late for that though, I think bitterly. My muscles glue in place by my side and it's a struggle to speak.

I make the words come out, "He's innocent. Don't hurt him."

She laughs again, the normal happy edge replaced with the tremors of a madwoman.

"But that's why I have to. You'll remember it better this way."

"No," I whisper.

Harry stops trying to fight her then, standing as tall as he can in her grasp. I know what he's trying to tell me, that it'll be okay.

Oh god, Sam. Where are you? What's happened? What can't you be here now, to protect Harry? Something terrible must have happened. I can't trust her word that she hasn't killed them.

"Bring the Cullens back, Bella, and this won't have to happen again," her tone grows serious. Then she winks.

Victoria draws a nail across Harry's throat. The movement only lasts a half-second. I hear him choke, wet, and without breath. She releases him easily from her grasp. Harry's hands fly up to his neck, but he's toppled over on the ground. The crimson liquid flows freely.

Oh my god. No, no, no.

"Be seeing you soon!"

She's gone now. But there's so much blood. Rivers of it. The wooden porch is quickly soaked in it. I don't know how it'll ever get out. There's just so much.

My body is frozen. I stand in shock.

I'm not sure I even feel anything. My own body vanishes.

The sounds of screaming reach my ears. It can't possibly be Harry making those sounds now. He only gurgles as if he's trying to talk. Maybe ask for help. I can't give it to him. My eardrums feel like they are bursting.

It's me. I'm the one screaming.

I can't tear my eyes away from his dying body. He convulses. All the cover in his face drains out on the porch. He's no more.

Sue is here before a single minute passes.

My screaming stops and her own begins.

I press myself against the wall of their house and watch her shake her husband, try to bring him back to life. She takes off the jean jacket she was wearing and presses into his wound. It's too late. There's just too much blood.

I still can't move.

Sue calls his name, muffled sounds in my ear now.

Their children run outside too. Shock and horror on their expressions. I see something flip in each of their eyes. They shake. They shake like Paul did, after I slapped him, before...

Oh my God.

Both of them explode. Sue screams.

The two giant wolves howl. They cry, they growl.

The noise of everything nearly splits my eardrums. But I still can't move. I press against the wall further. The horror continues all around me.

Sue hugs her husband's body close to her chest. To protect him from his children. My throat closes at the sight. She's covering herself in blood. The whole porch is dripping with it. There are two wolves right next to me. How haven't I really noticed how tall they got before?

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Bile rises again in my throat. God, do I even have anything else to throw up? My eyes fill with water. I can't see much through the glare. But I know the two new wolves are panicking.

The one I think is Leah lets out a howl. She's paralyzed after, watching her father struggle for the life I instantly know isn't coming back. The skinnier one, Seth, bolts back into the house, tearing through the door frame and probably destroying much more inside. I can hear the sounds of it. I can't even think what everything looks like.

My mind skips.

Just like it did when he left. I remember my mind shutting down in the forest. All the scenery vanishing and only the horror left inside me. Maybe it's a protective mechanism. I don't know. I don't care.

I think I disappear now.

 

 

 

 

 

Be strong, Bella.

It's Harry's voice. Or Sam's. Or Jake's. Or Charlie's. Or even Edward's. Maybe it's my voice, but I listen.

I peel myself off of the house wall. My fingers tingle, I can barely think straight. There's something I need to do here. I feel like my mind is a prisoner banging against soundproof doors.

Listen, Bella. Listen to the voice.

Somehow I do. And then I know what I should be doing.

The cellphone in my pocket grows infinitely heavier. I immediately pull it out and dial 9-1-1. The operator speaks but I can barely make out what they are saying specifically. Watching enough movies gives me an idea of what they need to know, however.

I tell them a green house on the Quileute reservation needs an ambulance immediately. There can't be a delay. Then I let the phone drop to the ground.

A gray wolf, Leah, stands beside me.

I move so slowly that time itself could have turned into jelly and this is the fastest anyone can go now. A single inch every ten seconds. I do everything I can to not scare her. I can see by the pain in her eyes that she's upset enough already.

"It's going to be okay," I whisper.

She whines at me. Maybe she can hear the lack of surety in my words. But I know I need to break through to her so I steel myself to be even stronger than I thought possible.

Leah continues to pant and look over at her mom and dad. It looks bad, that much I know. I don't trust my own stomach to be able to look at them and not get nauseous again.

"I called for an ambulance. They'll be here for Harry soon," I continue. "They can't see you like this."

Another high-pitched whine.

"Please?" I ask.

She doesn't answer me. I can see her breathing heavily.

Shit. This is the wrong angle to take.

"Leah," I say her name in a resolute voice. "I am not going to leave you here. You can trust me."

I see her large brown eyes keep looking over at her parents,

"No," I reach and surprisingly cup the side of her face, "Don't look at them. Just look at me, okay?"

Her fur is soft beneath my fingers, not at all like I expected. Maybe this is how a new wolf feels. I haven't felt any others to confirm. Another reminder of this cruel world

"There are others like you," I tell her. "A whole pack. You're not alone. This was the secret Jake and Sam had been keeping all along. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know anyone else would change."

Leah looks at me wide-eyed and lost even though she towers over me.

"But it's going to be okay. I know they can help you. And I won't leave you either."

The gray wolf in front of me whimpers.

"Just close your eyes and breathe deeply," I tell her. I'm not sure mediating is the right path to take her, but there's got to be some method to get her to change back. Shockingly, she does do as I say and closes her large, round eyes.

I glance briefly at Harry and Sue again. It's a mess. And I know there's no hope. I know Victoria was exact in her assassination. The thought threatens to cause me to scream and cry all over again, but I can't now, not for Leah. And even Seth back in the house.

"Think of your mom and dad," I say to her. "They need your help. Just breathe slowly and imagine yourself back as a human. It's going to be okay."

The words come out authoritarian, but I internally doubt myself. This can't possibly work.

And yet, it does.

The wolf in front of me shifts. There might be a few sounds of bones crunching, but it happens so quickly I could have imagined it. Leah comes back, stuck on the ground and curled in a fetal position.

Seeing Leah's naked, shivering body surprises another part of me. The part that didn't realize that the hidden innocence still existing in crevices could be lured out and crushed all the same. It's another crippling, bitter realization that this life takes so much from us. Sometimes more than we think we can give.

I wrap her in the quilt I had first brought out to the porch. I know a small corner of it is soaked in blood, but I fold it around her carefully so that part doesn't touch her. Surprisingly, the purpose of my work keeps me from gagging at the scene. I focus on that instead of anything else.

She's crying. I know that much. In a silent, unbelieving kind of way. The world she has known crashed down around her. And I find myself knowing exactly how that has felt. The world has done the same thing to me a few times now.

"Come on," I help her inside. "Let's go inside. You can hear the sirens coming, yeah? Everything will be okay soon."

My assumption about Seth destroying the inside of the house proves to be somewhat true. I can hear the whimpers of a wolf down the hall, but since he's hidden, I won't try to get him to phase back right now. Putting Leah on their family couch seems like the best option for now.

I hold her hand as we wait. She doesn't hold back tightly but doesn't pull away either. I know she's in shock.

When the ambulance arrives, I tell her that I'll go back outside to see how everyone is doing. I tell her not to look though, because I know there's nothing good to see.

Red lights blare everywhere. EMTs are pulling Sue off of Harry's body. She's still screaming belligerently. I know she knows, deep down inside. Harry isn't going to wake up from this. My eyes are too dry to keep crying anymore now.

I hold onto her as she tries to fight the EMTs. She pushes me off quite easily, but I keep trying. Some of Harry's blood transfers onto me. I pull back instantly realizing this. Then the scent hits my nose and my stomach turns. Oh, God.

"I'm riding with him!" Sue screams as she thrashes.

"Calm down first, ma'am," one of the men says to her. "We need to assess your husband."

She keeps crying but stops fighting. I try to put an arm over her shoulder and she leans into me. I stiffen knowing this is only spreading more blood onto me. I breathe through my nose instead.

"What happened here?" the EMT asks me, mainly because I think I'm the most coherent person to talk to right now. An odd thought that I would ever fill this role.

I bite my lip and think quickly, "An animal attack, I think. I didn't see it. I just found him outside."

He talks to the other operatives nearby. The words don't register to me. Sue and I just remain clinging to each other as we watch Harry disappear behind a group of

"Okay, you can go with him now, ma'am."

Sue breaks off of me and runs to the ambulance. My shoulders slump. There's no one to talk to me now. The workers eye me suspiciously as they continue to load up.

I'm about to turn back to go check on Leah again when I hear something. There's rustling coming from the woods. Movement. Figures in the shadows. A group of shirtless men. Aching bodies and defeated faces.

"Sam!" I yell without even thinking. I'm running towards him, instinct I didn't know I had guiding me. Only now do I realize how worried I'd been when Victoria hinted about their demise. I can't have anyone else taken from me.

His head snaps up in my general direction and a little bit of life floods back into him. "Bella."

I wrap my arms around him, pulling his warmth close into my body. Slowly, his arms wrap around me as well. My head fits perfectly into the corner of his neck. It almost feels like home. A strange peace. But the comfort he gives me now can't save us from reality. So I pull back and look into his worried eyes.

"What's going on?" Sam asks me. He rests his hands on both of my shoulders and looks like me, guiding me with his eyes to pull the information out. I realize he looks more than weary, he looks

"Victoria," is all I say. "She got Harry."

He nods, then looks back. The pack also emerges from the treeline. Someone is being supported on either side of him. I blink and turn away, barely registering it in my head. I can't forget to say this next important part.

"Leah and Seth," I struggle to speak. "They're both, like you now."

Sam's mouth parts. Confusion sweeping over him. He understands the implication.

I gulp, "I got Leah to, uh, phase back. But Seth is stuck in his room, I think. I didn't know what else to do."

"Women aren't supposed to change," he says.

"Well, she did and she needs help," I respond. Tears I didn't know I had left in me prick at my eyes. I can't let her be forgotten.

He nods, "So does Embry."

"Oh god, is he okay?" I rush out.

"He'll heal."

More sirens reach the area and I realize it's Charlie's cruiser. I break free from Sam's embrace and run over to my dad, nearly stumbling on the forest floor and weaving between the EMTs still lingering.

He hugs me immediately as well. I hold him back tightly.

"Were you hurt at all?" Charlie asks as he moves my arms and shines his flashlight all around my clothes looking for any injuries.

I manage to shrug him off after many moments of close contact, "No, Dad, I'm fine."

Charlie still looks at me, disbelieving I'm okay. The terror must be written on my face,

"It's all Harry's," I say, referencing the blood on me. I won't look at it. "I don't know if he's going…"

I don't finish the thought, Charlie gets it. His eyes water, but I've never seen him allow tears to spill.

"I, uh, called Billy. He should be here soon," Charlie says. He rubs my shoulder and I shiver, noticing how cold it is out here still, even in March.

I nod. Billy can help, maybe. If not with Harry, then with his children. I almost cry now, but I can't keep doing that in front of my dad.

"Was it the wolves?"

I open my mouth to say no, but no sound comes out. Charlie grunts and pulls out his radio report in the incident. The muffling sounds are incoherent to me, but I know it can't be good.

"Shit," he curses when he hangs up.

My mouth grows dry. I don't want Charlie thinking the blame falls on Sam or anyone else. But I can't tell him it was a vampire without him locking me up in the looney bin.

"Can you get back to the house okay, Bells? I'm going to follow Harry."

Shaking my head, I tell him, "I'm going to stay here, Dad."

He raises an eyebrow at me, clearly too dumbstruck to say anything else. I see another car approaching and Billy comes out. He and Jake hug each other and he looks over at Embry, who I now see is being held up by Jared and Paul. He motions for them to go inside. Jake turns to look at me and Charlie. He nods at me, acknowledging I'm okay and looking relieved to see so. I try to smile a bit at him, knowing we can talk later about this mess.

I look back over at my dad, "I want to stay to help everyone. Especially Leah and Seth."

Charlie tilts his head at me, "I didn't know you were close with them."

I nod. I suppose I am now since I know the pack's secret. I'll be close with all of them, despite not being deserving of this responsibility myself. It is my fault that Victoria is loose and threatens their whole tribe.

"Go with Harry and Sue, Dad. They need your help the most. I'll come back in the morning," I tell him, squeezing his arm.

Charlie relents, too worried about his friend to fight me tonight, "Okay, kid. You're being really brave, you know."

"I'm trying," I laugh a little.

With one last hug, we part. Charlie gets back into his cruiser and turns back on his lights and siren so he can trail behind the ambulance quickly. I wipe at my eyes as they disappear down the road.

The pack has gone inside the Clearwater house, probably to help Leah and Seth like I told Sam.

"What can I do to help?" I ask Billy as I walk over to him.

Billy moves his lips into a thin line, "You shouldn't stay here, kid. We're going to be up all night with Leah and Seth. It's not going to be pretty."

"I'll take her back to my house," Sam's booming voice reaches me from behind. I spin around to look at him. His facial features don't give away any emotion now.

"No," I tell them both. "I told Leah I wouldn't leave her."

With my arms crossed dutifully, I hope they get the message. But their equal sighs of despondency tell me otherwise.

"She needs to be with the people who actually understand what's happening to her. The ones who have been through it themselves. Let Samual take you back," Billy says.

Sam puts a hand on my lower back and I curse realizing my body becomes comforted by his touch. "They could spend the whole night phasing in and out, Bella. You'll be safer with me."

Despite my better judgment, I turn to look him in his deep brown eyes and melt on the spot. He looks tired, almost impossibly so. Exhausted in a way I haven't seen before. The guilt for leaving Leah will eat at me later, I'm sure. I can't say no to him now.

"Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

We wordlessly enter his house. A house I've come to know somewhat well. I bite my inner cheek thinking about this.

"You can use the bathroom down here to shower. I'll set out some of my clothes for you outside the door."

Sam, I want to say. I want to press him to talk to me about this, but with one look down at myself and another lurch of my stomach, I know I'm in no shape for an immediate discussion.

The hot water would usually burn my skin. Instead, it's just a reminder of how numb I am. I don't even feel nauseous when the water turns pink below my feet and swirls around the durian. I watch it mindlessly.

I might've scrubbed my arms raw at the thought of being covered in someone's blood, but I'm too tired to do that tonight. Tired and confused. Looking at myself in Sam's guest bathroom mirror shows a version of Bella I never expected to look like.

How did I start this night crying uncontrollably after Victoria's threat and end it somehow able to talk down Leah? I should be proud of myself, I should feel stronger.

Instead, I feel different, heavier, stranger. It feels like I'm not in control of my body anymore.

What's happened to me?

 

 

 

 

 

I finally leave his bathroom, nearly drowning in his oversized sweatpants and shirt. I make my way back into his living room.

Sam doesn't move. He sits on his couch with his legs spread wide and his shoulders slumped over. His gaze is far off, but I can't find anything up against the wall that would steal his attention so much.

And suddenly I realize I know this look. Only I'm experiencing it looking outside for the first time. This, I know deep within me, is how I looked when Edward first left me. Features frozen, breathing ragged. It's a look worse than shock. It's staring into the abyss of death.

I rush to his side and kneel before him, trying to shake him back to reality. Of course, that wouldn't have worked with me so it doesn't with him either. My eyes begin to burn. I don't know what to do.

"Sam, please," my voice wobbles.

He barely moves despite my pleas.

Please, I need you, I want to say. But my throat grows scratchy and no sound comes out. I know a few tears are falling down my cheek now. I don't care. I need him to be okay. I'll sit with him all night if I need to.

"It's my fault," he finally whispers.

I shake my head furiously, "No, no. It's mine. I promise it's my fault."

He doesn't move. Doesn't answer. Doesn't even look like he's heard what I've said.

"Sam, I'm so sorry," I tell him.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," he says. His voice is monotone and it only makes me worry more.

I hold one of his giant hands with both of mine. I squeeze hard so he knows he isn't alone right now. I can't have him feeling alone like I did. He deserves much better. Especially when it is my fault.

"I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone outside with Harry. I was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking," I ramble at him.

"We shouldn't be like this," his voice grows weary. "It's a curse."

All my cluttered words and thoughts stop right in their tracks. He's talking about before. Before I met him even. When he first became a wolf.

I release his hand and fold my own in my lap while I don't move from in front of him. He still doesn't stare at me.

"Someone should have told me," he chokes.

"I'm so sorry," I say again. Because he's right, he probably should have been told before it happened. And so should have Jake. And Leah and Seth.

"If I knew, I would have…" he trails off.

Left, my mind finishes.

My heart clenches in my chest. It feels worse than I did hours ago with Harry and Leah. I'm not even sure how that's possible. And I don't even know why I feel so hurt. He's well within his right to feel this way. I can't imagine the horror of it. Even witnessing Leah and Seth won't actually compare to the real thing. And Sam, as Jacob said, was the first.

I reach out again for him. He feels real underneath my palm, but the watery feeling growing in my brain tells me I need to hold him tighter to make sure.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," Sam's shoulders slump forward.

"No, you can," I immediately say. "If anyone can, it's you, Sam."

His name burns my tongue even though I'm barely producing audible words.

He turns to me finally, the dead look in his eyes still there, but I can see the shine start to gather on them. His eyelids turn red and sore. He looks at me like I'm barely different from a lamp in the corner of the room, but instead of being

"You should leave. I don't want to hurt you."

I freeze. The tingles I normally feel from being close to him, touching him, stop completely.

"Why would you?" I ask in a low tone.

Sam gives out a couple of chuckles, devoid of any mirth at all. His deathly sound shoots fear straight into my bloodstream. Even though the lines around his eyes crinkle, his laughter tells me he's on the edge of insanity.

"I mauled my own mother."

My mouth falls open, but I have nothing to say. Nothing to feel. I don't even have comprehension.

And then it feels so similar to what Edward told me that day in the forest. He's dangerous, he's a killer. I should stay away. I didn't care then. I couldn't picture the faces of who his victims might have been. They were from nearly a century ago. But hurting your mother? I know this is different. I should be afraid here, I should listen to Sam when he says to leave.

But I keep looking at Sam's face, his stupidly perfect, normal face, and I won't leave now.

"What happened?" I whisper.

He shrugs, still out of it, "I got angry. Didn't mean to phase on top of her."

I bite my lip, "It was an accident then. Please don't-."

Sam cuts me off, "There's no excuse."

I'm no place to argue with him. Maybe some things are inexcusable. I still want to protect him from his own guilt though. I know what it's like to live with that and he doesn't deserve it nearly as much as I do. Harry is dead because of me. More people could die. That's inexcusable.

I swallow the anxiety building up below my tongue, "But you won't do it again."

It isn't an order or a question that I speak to him. Just a wobbly acknowledgment that I know Sam would never put himself in that kind of a position again. I've seen him control his anger now. He won't hurt me or anyone else.

He closes his eyes, not saying anything else to me.

Without saying anything myself, we sit in silence for many minutes. I listen to the ticking of his clock and avoid his gaze. He still stares at nothing, but if I look at him while we don't speak, I know I'm just going to burst into tears. It's him who needs comforting now, not me. But I'm so terrible at this. He deserves anyone else but me with him now. My heart hurts so much.

"Those boys are going to get hurt. I can't save them," Sam tells me after a while. "I can't save myself. I can't save you."

"I don't need you to save me," I whisper, deciding to look back up at his wilted form. "I just need you to be there."

Then I finally rise up on my knees and throw my arms around his neck. This time it's his head falling into my chest. The second time we've hugged tonight. My cheeks grow hot.

I say the next part barely audible, "I'll be there for you too."

It feels like a confession that burns itself into my soul. Words I can't take back. Words I don't want to. And it feels different than it felt with Edward, but I throw that thought right out my head before it burns me more.

When I pull back and sit down on my legs still next to the couch, Sam looks a little more alive than moments before. I breathe a quick sigh of relief. Some color is returning to him.

"You don't even know," he says, glowing with some emotion I can't name.

"Know what?"

He purses his lip, "About any of this, really."

I grind my teeth, "But you can tell me."

Sam nods, pressing his eyes together. He looks even more tired than I feel. I wonder how much he sleeps regularly now? Does he eat enough? Of all the things he's gone through, how many people are watching out for him since he has to watch out for so many.

"Jacob told, uh, that it was the Cullens moving here that caused you to…" I can't finish my sentence, my throat hurts from choking on their name. "I'm, just, sorry they did that to you, Sam. I really am."

I don't tell him how I think there's no way they could have done it on purpose. It wouldn't help either of us to say that now.

He looks at me, eyes still shining, "I'm sorry for what they did to you, Bella."

I cough, "Let's not talk about that."

Sam nods, knowing not to press me. Relief floods through me realizing he seems to understand this.

He continues, "If it wasn't Victoria or them, it'd be another. That's what our purpose is. To kill vampires. And their purpose is to kill people. No exceptions."

"They didn't kill people," I shake my head, allowing myself to reference them once again.

And I can see the way his head tilts, how he looks me in the eye, that what he'll say next will shatter me. "There's other forms of killing than just death."

I say nothing.

Sam looks at me, his pupils almost taking up his entire iris. "Leaving you was the best thing they could have done."

"But we have to get them back," I argue. "Or Victoria will hurt more people."

He swallows, "That's not your responsibility."

"I think it is."

He sighs and runs a hand through his head, "Let's not argue about this tonight."

Sam's right, I know. But I hope he knows I'm going to do my best to fix it. I don't know where to begin to contact the Cullens to come back. I'm not sure I really want them to. But if they don't, more people die. It's not the time to be selfish. I've got to think harder than I did months ago even when I was most desperate for them to return.

Now, Sam repositions himself on his couch so his head hits the armrest and his long body across the seat cushions. His eyes barely staying open. It's far from a peaceful posture, but he looks too tired to fight it.

"I'll sleep here. You can take my bed."

I'm about to argue with him, tell him that's far from fair, but his eyes close and his breathing levels before I get a chance. He needs to sleep, but I still find my body immobile. I spend a long time watching him sleep, memorizing his features even more than I already have. Only when the night's experience catches up to me, do I find a small unexposed spot on the couch to lay my head.

 

 

 

 

 

I fall asleep with only the feeling of a warm arm draped around my back.

Notes:

So sorry this took me an extra week to get out! Work and school starting picking up quicker than I thought. But I still plan to get out two more chapters for the halfway point before the semi-hiatus begins! Thanks for sticking around if you're here!

Chapter 19: Sam Part Ten

Summary:

"You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again." ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

My body jolts awake. The images of my nightmares still swirl around in my head. Embry was hurt. Harry is dead. The vampire is gone.

I groan. My chest heaves. There's a weight on top of me and I can't move. I remember feeling powerless. I remember being stuck between two impossible decisions and not knowing if I made the right one. I remember slipping out of my own mind.

A small whine reaches my ears. Bella. She's laying on me, curled into my side. One of my arms wraps around her, holding her close. I release that tension immediately.

The breath in my throat hitches.

When did we become tangled up like this?

Slowly, the memories return to me. Bella's worried face staring up at me sears itself onto my mind. I almost recoil in shock. She cared enough to try to snap me out of my shock. There's an instinct in my fists to curl upon realizing she saw me in such a state. But remembering her concern and empathy allow me to cool down. I've certainly seen her in enough troubling moments that not sharing my own issues could be considered unfair. All I know is that she stayed even when I told her to sleep somewhere else.

I try not to let my body grow desperate for her touch as she lies on top of me. The memories of her from our night together try to wiggle themselves back to the forefront of my mind. But I'm really not in the mood to be poking her awake.

She's reluctant to move even when I gently shake her shoulder. I suppose I'm not entirely eager to feel her warmth disappear from close to me.

"Bella," I whisper her name. Like I've been parched all my life and her presence is the rain to end the drought. I don't know how I've been able to survive this long without having her this close. All the memories of suffering become so blindingly clear.

It's enough to wake her, sadly. She looks at me, wide and perfect eyes full of confusion. Then she realizes the compromised position we've fallen asleep in and scrambles to get off me. Her cheeks turn red and she won't meet my eyes. I'd almost laugh at her embarrassment if the hole in my chest wasn't a mile deep.

"Oh god, Harry," she exclaims. "And Leah. And Seth too. Oh god."

"It's going to be alright," I tell her.

She shakes her head, "No, I saw-"

"We don't know his status right now," I say firmly. I won't think of anything else. "He was still alive when they took him."

Bella's brown eyes change shape as she looks at me and this time I turn away from her gaze.

"Sam, I saw," she repeats. "Victoria didn't miss. I'm sorry."

My stomach squeezes. I swallow. I know she's right. I can feel it. I just, don't want to think it. I'm tired of coming to terms with terrible things. Now one of the men I used to beg the universe to be my real father is dead. And I'm still stuck with a deadbeat's DNA. More families shattered now.

"I'll try to find a way to contact them," Bella whispers.

I stand up from the couch immediately and face her. "No. They aren't welcome here. We can kill her without them."

She twists the end of my sweatshirt still on her and shifts her weight on her left leg. I recognize it to be her posture when she's nervous. I fight to lose some of the intensity in my own stance and voice.

"But she'll hurt someone else," Bella's voice grows impossibly quiet. I might even only be able to hear because of the mutant that I am.

"No, she won't," I say firmly. "And I won't let her hurt you either."

I'd rather let myself die than have Bella be hurt. Especially in her current condition. That she doesn't even know about. Fuck.

With her cheeks still flushed pink, I know she doesn't believe me. She believes she's destined for sacrifice. Her words to Victoria told me that.

"I don't want you getting hurt," she mumbles in such a way that I could have imagined it. I try not to do a double-take. "Figuring out how to get them back is the way to prevent that."

I grunt, "This is our job, Bella. We're created for this purpose."

"But you told me you don't want that responsibility," she mutters, refusing to stare too intensely at me.

My stomach clenches even tighter. I feel lightheaded suddenly.

"When did I say that?"

Bella looks back down, "Last night."

I don't say anything or move. My nerves freeze and I begin to feel faint. Not a typical feeling for a wolf.

"It's okay, I understand-" she starts to say.

"I promise I will protect you, Bella. I was out of it last night. I apologize," I admit, keeping my voice level. The memories are suddenly very fuzzy to me. I last truly remember agreeing to take her back here to get away from the chaos at the Clearwaters.

Again surprising me, Bella reaches forward and grabs my hand. I'm instantly struck with the realization she did the same thing last night trying to comfort me. I shake myself out of the memory.

"Sam, you've seen me in some pretty bad spots. How could I possibly be mad at you for the same thing?" Her eyes shine at me.

My hand feels clammy in hers despite the warmth. It feels simultaneously natural and undeserving. I should pull away, but I don't want to offend her.

I clear my throat, "We'll solve this without the Cullens."

She lightly flinches at the name and I feel guilt cascade in. Apologizing would call even more attention to it, however. One day with enough courage on my end, I'll tell her she deserves better. She deserves the whole world if only I were capable of giving it.

"I have to get back to my dad soon," she says. I don't let the hope fly in my chest for sensing a note of regret in her tone.

I nod, "I will need to go see Billy with Leah, and Seth."

Bella squeezes her eyes shut, "How old is he?"

"Fourteen." An unspoken agreement passes between us. The acknowledgment of a life so young taken away. Truthfully, I didn't know someone that young could phase. We both allow a moment of pain to pass.

She finally speaks up again, "When can I see them?"

"I'm not sure. It will probably be rough for a while."

She doesn't really respond to that. I can see the way her eyebrows furrow together that she's trying to think. It's another moment that takes me completely by surprise at how effortlessly beautiful she is. I can't recall any other things that have ever triggered this response from me. Is it the imprint or proof that the imprint was right?

"I want to be there," Bella admits, looking at me with determination on her face, "not just for them but for you, all of you, too."

It strikes me how selfless Bella tries to be without drugs or alcohol in her system. How much more alive and persistent she can be. It hurts to think how long she went without caring about anything at all. Maybe she wants to feel included in something meaningful. I can't fault her for that. I just don't want her getting hurt.

I might stare at her too long because she blushes and twirls a piece of hair awkwardly below her chin.

"Would you like me to drive you back to your house?" I offer. The thought of seeing her for a little bit longer weighs on my mind. I'm not opposed to it.

She shakes her head, "No, that's too much. I don't want to keep you from your responsibilities anyway."

"But um," she shuffles her weight between her feet awkwardly, "my dirty clothes are still in your bathroom."

"I'll clean them and bring them to you when I see you next," I say immediately. "Don't worry about it.

Bella almost opens her mouth to argue but decides against it, "Thank you."

She then reaches towards me as she did at the party months ago. My breath is sucked out of my lungs. I wait a long, torturous second for what is to come. But her small, warm arms wrap around my torso. She presses the side of her head into me and closes her eyes.

I take too long to move, stuck in shock. Slowly, my own arms reach around her and the mystical force between us hums in great approval.

I can feel the flutter of her child's heartbeat with her pressing against me like this. It causes me to be dizzy. I know instantly that I will love her baby regardless of who the father is. The sound is so rhythmic and strong, just like Bella herself. Whenever Bella figures it out, I'll make it clear to her that they're both accepted on our land. They're pack.

"Thank you, Sam," she whispers again, and then she leaves.

I wait for my body and mind to catch up. They both seem intent to linger on her recent presence a moment longer. But I know I have important work to get to.

Billy confirms the worst for me when I approach the green Clearwater house. Harry didn't make it. I almost crumble in front of him, but the ghost feeling of Bella's arms wrapping around me keeps me upright. Neither of us use this time to say a word about the loss. That will come later.

"Tried to do what I could, son. House is a mess, you'll see. We're going to need to tear the floorboards out of the porch as well," Billy grimaces.

I nod. I only now think of the mess that was probably made with Harry's attack and his children phasing.

"And Sue?"

Billy shakes his head, "Still out of it."

I exhale through my nose, "Alright, let me see them."

He's entirely right about the house. Quite a bit is torn up, but both of the Clearwater kids are currently in a human state. Huddled up on the couch together, their undereye bags tell me they've not slept at all during the night. It probably took many tries to get them in their current state.

Seeing my face, Leah turns redder and begins to curse at me. Jacob and Jared poise ready to defend if she phases involuntarily.

"You let him die!" Leah cries at me. "How could you?"

"I didn't know what was going to happen," I say.

None of the others say anything. But she continues to scream and beg at everyone as if they can change the situation. Her sobs wrack her entire body and she's not a small woman so she must be crying particularly hard.

"We're going to kill her, Leah," I promise. I keep my features passive.

She cries further. I don't even want to take a look at Seth to see how he is coping. If I don't do something to remedy this situation soon then I'm going to look like a bad leader unable to take charge. And I know that isn't me. Even Billy waits expectantly for my words.

"We're going to be a stronger pack now that we have two more," I tell them all very seriously. "And we're going to need it because of the threat that's coming."

I explain to everyone the intricate details of what Victoria said to us. Despair falls over the room rather quickly. Leah shuts up and listens. She even perks up hearing that Bella is the target, caused by Edward Cullen's action against James, the mate. If I wasn't so pissed off about it happening, I might admit it's at least an interesting story. I can only imagine the turmoil Bella went through living it.

But now that Victoria made it clear that she intends to kill more, all of our efforts need to be directed towards stopping her. Fortunately, everyone also agrees with me that the Cullens are absolutely unwanted here.

"So we're going to train even harder now. Everyone understand?"

They all do.

The new members need to start from the beginning in their training. And as much as it pains me to admit, Jacob is capable enough to lead the older boys in advancing their work. I try to get Leah and Seth to follow their instincts when hunting.

The younger sibling takes to it, although still in doubt that his instincts are all that great. But his sister, good god, fights me on everything. She seems to have very little instinct on how to be a wolf. And each time I pair her up with another to fight, she

Yet, something is discovered when I make everyone race to the edge of our land.

Leah is the fastest of all of us. I don't know how considering her small size, but it's true. It's the breakthrough that finally gets her to stop hating being a wolf.

"Did you see that? Did you see that!" she yells in utter glee. She prances around having made considerable distance on the others when they reach the finish point. I see the images of freedom flash across her eyes. She's taunting the universe to hold her back here and for some reason, it can't.

I can even see Embry and Jared being out of breath when they reach her after many long seconds.

"Woah, sis!" Seth agrees.

"That was amazing! Let's do it again!" Leah hollers.

And I can't deny her some joy after all that has happened to her. She kicks everyone's butt repeatedly. It lessens the heaviness in my own heart to see it.

I allow us a light celebration in the Clearwater house. Sue is still gone and I know that hangs over everyone's heads, especially her children. But there's enough smiles and stories of 'war' that a jovial tone takes over for now. Of course, that can't last forever.

"Obviously the imprint keeps drawing me back to Kim!" Jared laughs in the middle of explaining why he gets even less sleep than the rest of us. But once the words fly out, he realizes his mistake and glues his mouth shut.

Our voices quiet down. There's no way she can't focus on the word now. Everyone's eyes also shift over to look at Leah, who only grows in her confusion as the moment ticks on.

Fuck.

"What is an imprint?" Leah asks. Her voice teeters on the edge of suspicion.

Jared runs a shaky hand through his hair as he looks at me, "Ah, well, it's, you know. When you find your soulmate."

My whole body pulsates on edge. This is not going to be a good conversation. I should walk over to the fridge and pull out one of Harry's leftover beers to drink. That might piss her off enough to change the topic.

But Leah just laughs as she looks at us incredulously, "Soulmate? For real? That's ridiculous."

Yet when none of us elaborates much further, her annoyance grows. She looks each of us in the eyes and tilts her head in confusion. "Is there something I'm not getting here?"

"Why don't you ask Sam?" Jacob sneers. "He knows all about it too."

I cross my arms over my chest. Fucking bastard.

"Listen," Jared laughs shakily. "There's not much to know. It's just when you look into the eyes of a person and know they're the one."

"That's it?" Leah presses. She was always very good at knowing when information was being held back.

"Well, and then usually," Jared takes another glance at me, "you end up together as a perfect match."

"Usually," Leah repeats, enunciating every syllable.

Jacob decides to take another inopportune moment to speak, "The imprintee apparently will never want to be with anyone else again. Even if they've been friends forever."

The wrath drips through his voice like molasses falling from a spoon.

Leah straightens up her posture, "What if they don't like the person back?"

An eye-roll from Jacob, "Evidently they'll come around. It's inevitable. Just look at Bella."

"What do you mean, 'look at Bella?'" Leah asks. It strikes me then that Bella's compassion for Leah is not unrequited. They're both keen to look out for each other.

The vibration in the room is sucked out. No one moves an inch.

Her features contort more angrily and then she looks at all of us. Jacob glares at me per usual, but then drops his head when I give him a silencing look. It's too late, recognition passes over Leah's feature. The Baby Alpha left her enough clues. Shit.

"We're going outside now," she hisses at me and grabs me by the wrist before I can do much about it.

I know I'm strong enough to stand my ground and prevent her from dragging me somewhere to interrogate me, but that's only going to fuel her rage. I take a look back at my pack and bark a low command to them, "Stay there."

Leah's saunter and pull on my arm tells me she's a second away from being viciously pissed off. We hurry into the beginning of the woods while she lets me go to put her hands on her hips and lean into my personal space like a chastising mother.

"What did you do to her?" Leah's voice goes dangerously low.

"I didn't do anything," I answer. The desire to have this conversation plummets into the negatives.

Leah takes a shaky step towards me. I can see the fire burn in her eyes as she struggles to hold the wolf back. Yet, as I knew her those years ago, telling her to calm down would be the worst move on my part.

"I would never do anything to hurt her," I enunciate my every word as she continues to stalk forward.

"But she doesn't have a choice, does she?" Leah bites out. "You took that from her."

If we were close two years ago, my response to her would be what about my choice? But again, that would be a very bad decision. The truth anyway is that there's long been a part of me ecstatic that I don't have to go the rest of my life wondering who is 'the one.' And the part continues to war with the very argument Leah is right to bring up.

"She is free to be with whoever she wants." She likely already has been, I think bitterly.

Leah bites out, "I don't believe for a second you're not going to prey on her like that vamp."

Red hot anger flashes across my mind, "I will never abandon her like that creature did. You should know that."

By now she knows I was the one to find Bella. That's what started this whole damn thing. I saw firsthand how Edward Cullen destroyed her. To willingly do it a second time, now that's cruelty. And I'd like to think our kind is better than the ones destined to kill all around them.

A thought tugs on my mind at this very inconvenient moment. Yeah, I walked out of the room after our encounter at that party. But she said his name. It was him she wanted there. I wonder if she even remembers it all.

"But you left me, didn't you?" Leah snaps.

My jaw tightens, "I didn't want you to get involved in this."

A howling laugh, "A little late for that."

"I am sorry, Leah," I tell her. There are a million things that could apply. For her father and her new, torturous life most of all.

Her voice loses all emotion. Enough to scare me into taking an unconscious step backward. "I don't care."

By now, the rest of the pack is gathered across the land, huddling together to eavesdrop. I know enough about our abilities to realize they can definitely hear. Leah isn't doing a very good job trying to maintain a private conversation.

She's got a wild look on her face. The wildest I've ever seen from her. Being a shifter now has transformed her typical ferociousness into a whole new level. I can feel it deep down in my bones that I was never the person meant to handle her. I wonder what kind of creature it would take to do so.

"Tell me, do you have any idea how upsetting it was to realize your own parents weren't that concerned to hear their daughter's fiance abandoned her? Oh boy though, do I understand now. It's because 'we're not destined.' Fine whatever, I can accept that. But tell me, Sam, why then did you fuck my cousin?"

My jaw pops as I try to open my mouth to say something. No words feel adequate. I want to say 'it was a mistake,' but treating Emily like that would be hugely unfair. It was a choice. Just the wrong one made deliberately.

I hear snickers from our crowd of onlookers, but I doubt the woman in front of me is paying any attention to that.

"Huh?" Leah presses. "Didn't hear you, Sammy."

"A moment of weakness," is all I can say.

She looks ready to explode as she grits her teeth together. "I was ready to give up my life for you."

"I never wanted that for you. I still want you to achieve your own dreams," I try to calm her.

"Well, look at me now! I've done fucking nothing since high school. And now my father is dead."

There's nothing more I can say. Apologizing again is going to tick her off. I know the feeling of people just apologizing to you over and over again when they can't take away the pain. My dad left often enough for all the rez teachers to personally give condolences. But I know the death of a parent is worse.

"Why Emily!" she yells, eyes building and fists shaking when I don't answer. "Why her!"

"She was there, Leah. She saw what happened with my mom," I try to keep my voice strong, but I still end up whispering the words more than I'd like.

Realization takes over her face. For a single second, she looks almost regretful towards me. Then she shakes her head to snap herself back into her tirade. Again, this is the Leah I forgot I knew. The one who won't let outside interferences change her purpose with each argument.

"You could have given me that chance, Sam."

"I didn't want to hurt you either," I admit. "The violent impulses you feel now? Everything that sets you off? I went through that too. And I paid for my lack of control."

Her eyes flash, "You can pay again."

I shake my head, "I can't do this with you, Leah. We need to focus on the bigger issues at hand."

Ah, there it is. My alpha attitude getting the best of me. I've hit the point of no return with Leah now as I had with so many previous arguments of mine.

Her eyes flash and violent tremors take over. I know what's coming.

"Fuck you!"

She phases, transforming into a bundle of furry limbs. I'm quick enough to slip out of my shorts and phase as well. Her small body still posies itself against me in a fighting stance, but I know any lunge she makes towards me will be defeated easily.

Her attack is as rage-filled as Paul's first were. But she lacks the strength he possesses. We all know she is the weakest of us. I try to keep this thought out of my head when I pin her to the ground, letting her struggle and whimper below me. A lifetime ago, I might have enjoyed being this dominant.

I hold her there as she cries in our mind link. I'll hold her until the breath in her lungs steadies as she howls and growls away all the air she has. Many minutes later when she stops fighting, I feel her ribcage rise and fall against mine.

"You are not going to tell her," I Alpha-order.

Leah doesn't respond.

When I let her up, she phases back into human form without needing to calm herself much. She's still a trembling ball of fear, naked and shaking. Is it me she's afraid of? Maybe. I guess I'll face that possibility when I'm alone again next and in the mood to hate myself more.

Jacob and the rest of the pack approach quickly after. Jacob drapes a blanket over her body and guides her back into their house. He looks back at me with a glare on his face.

As I put on my shorts again, the others wait for guidance I can't seem to give them. Seth's expression is one of pain. I know he wishes to follow his sister, but his loyalty to me keeps him here. Another thing to put on my list of self-disappointments.

I don't make Leah phase or take shifts patrolling with me. From what the others tell me, she won't stop yelling in her own head. And when she doesn't yell, her anger prevents her from being a good packmate. Not that she has much strength anyway.

Silencing the complaints of the others doesn't seem to be working. I know they're whispering behind my back about a situation they might deem to be my fault. But Hell, I didn't make Leah phase. Didn't even know a woman could.

There's something I could do that would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I've yet to see Sue and explain how sorry I am. Because truthfully, I'd understand if she too thought it was my fault.

Their house continues to improve each time I visit it. It might be the efforts of Sue to keep herself distracted now that I think about it. My own memories of my mom doing the same thing strike me across the face. One day, maybe, she'll learn to accept that Joshua Uley can't be relied upon. Unlike Harry, who could be, but will never come back again.

Sue gives me a soft smile when she opens the door after I've knocked. It's not the reaction I was expecting, but she's a gentle soul so I shouldn't be shocked. Maybe there's forgiveness in her heart.

She even leads me inside and asks if I want anything to drink. I decline. I'm grateful I decided to wear a jacket and pants when seeing her. She might forget that our kind never gets all that cold.

"How are they doing?" she asks me.

"As best as can be expected," I answer. I realize that was the knee-jerk diplomatic answer. It's not going to get me anywhere with the problem at hand.

"Well," I cough as the truth fights its way out, "Leah is very angry and I know she has every right to be, but it's affecting the others."

Sue nods, "I'll try to talk to her."

"Sue, I am sorry. I wish I could have gotten there in time-"

She makes a 'tsking' sound, "Samuel, there was nothing you could have done. They told me about what happened with Embry, you know? You made the best decision at the moment."

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty," I grumble. "I should have delegated the responsibility."

"Now you know better," she responds, arms crossed over her chest like she's lecturing me as a small child who ate too many cookies and didn't get dinner.

"I don't know how you can forgive me," I admit.

"Because you're not the one who murdered my husband," she tells me. It's then I see her eyes shine with the same fury present so often in Leah's. Another person who wants revenge.

"I'll get her. And I won't let her touch Bella," I say. I know she can see the promise written on my face. When it comes to my imprint, the reasons for killing Victoria become thousand-fold. Sue seems to understand this despite not being a wolf or her husband being one. Maybe she thinks back to her own days of young and passionate love. Regardless, I speak the truth she wishes to hear.

Sue promises again that she'll try to reach her daughter. It maybe works for a day. With the preparations going into Harry's funeral, I can see how each time she returns home she's reminded of her now broken family.

Leah's anger really begins to affect the others when she hints that no one knows who Embry's father is. Billy Black could have another son for all anyone knows. It dampens everyone else's mood considerably.

I decide this is when I need to step in again.

She isn't hard to find. Sue tells me she hangs outside their house where she and Harry used to prepare his fishing kits for retreats. I always knew their relationship was close when we used to date, but the reminder of it still burrows itself underneath my skin in a painful itch.

"Thought you were staying away," she spits out at me when she sees my approach. Leah crosses her arms over her chest and turns her chin sharply away. Her red flannel blows in the wind.

She's offended I've kept my distance? Fuck. Why can't I ever understand what it is women want?

I still choose not to engage her further on her grievances, right as they may be.

"Look," I say, "Embry is a Uley. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't make the others think about his parentage anymore."

Eyes widened and mouth gaping open, Leah tries to catch flies for a few moments. Then she regains her balance and makes a 'tsking' sound.

"How do you know that?" Doubt is present in her voice.

I sigh, "I felt it when he first phased. He is my blood."

Now is hardly the time to explain to Leah the sorts of feelings I get. Though I am rather inclined to call them instincts instead. Knowing when a vampire is on our land, usual. But if she hears that I can sense Bella's presence nearby too, she could blow another gasket.

She sucks in a sharp breath, "Does he know?"

"If he does, he hasn't talked about it with me."

A nod and then I see her eyes glaze over. Sadness and regret. I've pushed her into another round of uncomfortable feelings. Well, it's the usual experience of being a shifter. I can't take that away from any of them.

"Suppose that's why you went back for him," she finally says. She doesn't look at me when she says it, but I know what she's thinking.

We watch the breeze blow through the trees around the Clearwater property. There are a thousand memories of Harry going through my head. I can only imagine what it would be like having him as a father. A good man, no doubt about it. One ready to take on the responsibilities associated with having a supernatural pack to protect the land.

It pains me then that he'll never get the chance to guide his own children.

"You need to tell her about it," Leah sighs at me. "It's the least you can do for arguably ruining her life."

Surprisingly, Leah's words don't have the same bite to them from before. Instead, all I can pick up on is her worry about Bella. I've been through that same emotion enough to instantly emphasize. It prevents me from arguing back like instincts might tell me to.

So I shake my head. "She's still not right, Lee."

Instant anger, "Don't call me Lee. You lost that privilege long ago."

I bite the inner corner of my mouth to stop an ugly retort. "You didn't see how she was when he left her. Her psyche or whatever is still fragile. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I made it worse."

"You underestimate her," Leah laughs, surprisingly. "Since you freaks can read my mind now, I'm sure you'll hear all about it."

She rolls her eyes and walks off.

And she's right. I do see into her memories.

I'm faced with a side of Bella I hadn't considered before. One where she's screaming and obviously devastated by Harry's brutal murder. But out of the corner of Leah's frantic eyes, I see Bella calm herself. I see her step up and take charge of the situation. I see her try to do what I've been trying to do for so long with my pack: lead.

Bella gets Leah to calm down enough to phase back. If I believed in divine miracles, that would be one.

Leah also shows me memories from before that event. Where they barely regarded each other during their family dinner night. In turn, I can't stop myself from showing Leah my perspective waiting outside to warn Bella. Proof I care, at least. She might not accept it, of course. She'd chalk it up to my 'controlling' nature if anything.

But something changes between their acquaintance relationship when Bella finds Leah on the beach one day. They both couldn't understand the secrets being kept from them. And the burning desire in each that prevented them from letting it go. It makes more sense to me now why Bella knocked on my door for Jacob's life.

It tugs on my chest briefly that I still won't tell Bella the truth about the imprint. But neither of us are ready for that, I'm still certain of it.

I'll focus on training everyone more instead. I might be spending half of my time in wolf form these days. It's grueling, but it keeps my mind off of Bella as well. I'm too focused on making sure everyone else is progressing to think of anything else.

"The leech is back," Paul yells at me when I've phased once again. He shows me images of curly red hair flashing before his eyes and my blood begins to boil.

How can she be back already?

Suppose I can't count it as too surprising. Evil creatures probably tend to lie. If she's here to hurt more people, I'm not going to make the same mistake as last time. My mind already begins scrambling through multiple combinations of splitting the pack into different groups to cut her off.

"She's not trying to pass on the land though," Paul elaborates.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I don't know, man. It's like she's just taunting us, not trying to attack."

The images of her crossing deliberately lightly into our borders rile me up even more. She knows exactly where to toe the line. Maybe she can sense what land belongs to a different type of monster. Or maybe this is just part of her ability that Bella told me about. Either way, I want to destroy her.

My paws hit the forest floor rougher than usual. I follow Paul and Embry's eyes to see where to catch up with them. No one knows this forest better than me. If she's keen on some light teasing today, I'll ensure she falls into a trap she can't escape.

But maybe she's expecting this.

When I'm finally within eyesight of her, she doesn't look surprised at all by my presence. It's obvious with my shape and color that I'm the leader of our group. She's been waiting for me to join. She wants to drag me here to keep me from plotting how to kill her. I figure it out in a matter of seconds. She's here to waste my time and keep everyone on edge.

Victoria just smiles at me. At that moment, I am reminded of Bella covered in Harry's blood within Leah's memories. In something real that happened. Those soiled clothes that I had to clean. The bloodsucker doesn't give a single damn about the pain she's caused.

She winks at me and then speeds away.

I will find a way to kill this bitch.

Notes:

Late again, sorry! But somehow?! my chapters are getting longer, so I hope that makes up for it!

I love Leah's character. And I totally think she's justified in her anger against Sam hahaha. Of course it's a bad time to be hashing that out, but wolves aren't exactly known for their intelligence.

One more chapter to go and I really will need to take a bit of a break. However, this might just be my favorite chapter so far! Anticipation!!

Chapter 20: Bella Part Ten

Summary:

"Till this moment I never knew myself." ― Jane Austen

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I'm sick in the days following Harry's death. It's too much for me to take, I think. I see his throat being cut every time I flush the toilet.

Charlie says he understands if I want to call out from school. He doesn't really understand though. I tell him no anyway because this is the last week before spring break and there are tests I need to take so I can pass. I'm not so nonchalant about school as I was last semester. I need to graduate.

Word does pass around the halls about me witnessing a pretty bad animal attack. People almost look at me as much as they did when I first came to Forks.

Jessica and Angela keep asking if I'm alright. I tell them the bare minimum. It was awful. They ask what I was doing there. I lie and say I was with Jake. I can't explain vampires or who Sam is to them. It would either be an existential threat or they could turn out like me, desperate to end the curse of humanity. Well, some of the difficulty is also because I don't know how to even categorize Sam in my head. Not just his species, but him.

Mike tries to cheer me up by again mentioning the need for us to see a movie. We all agree that sometime during or after spring break would be best. It sounds like Eric at least is getting a trip somewhere exotic. Mike hints that we could go by ourselves, but I don't want to lead him on. I'm not sure there are very many people I really want to be alone with right now.

My dad tells me of plans for a celebration of Harry's life this coming Saturday after his burial. It feels fitting for the man. I doubt he'd want people mourning forever.

When I get home from school for the week and flop onto my bed, I'm close to passing out. But my cellphone starts ringing and I groan thinking it must be Renee. Who knows what Charlie told her.

Instead, it's a number still seared onto my mind.

I immediately sit up and brush my fingers through my hair despite knowing he can't see it. I fight to remain calm and be as natural as possible.

"Hi," I say to Sam, feeling my whole body flush. I clutch my phone tighter. My fingers could even turn white.

"Bella," he speaks my name and I feel my arms shiver. "How are you?"

"Fine," I answer pretty quickly. Fine is a relative term anyway. "How are you? How are the others?"

"As best as can be expected."

Which tells me not that great. I know I wouldn't react well if my dad died near me and I had to phase into another animal. My stomach twists thinking this. Sam's experience must have been pretty horrible as well.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I tell him, grabbing a piece of my hair and tucking it behind my ear.

"I wanted to see if you were coming to Harry's funeral and celebration at the beach afterward," Sam tells me. My heart flutters realizing he almost sounds nervous saying this.

"Yeah, of course."

My eyes grow heavy even thinking of skipping it when I was the last person Harry really got to talk to. It feels even worse knowing I stole that moment from his family. Maybe this was another part of Victoria's plan.

"Great, I'll be bringing your clean clothes then."

"Oh, you really don't have to do that," I mutter. Guilt piles on wondering if Sam had to scrub Harry's blood out of them. I'm not sure my nerves or my stomach could handle such a thing at the moment.

"It's not a problem," Sam says so easily I blush further.

"I still have your clothes too," I exclaim, feeling guilty for instinctively folding his shirt and sweatpants into my drawer. I'd forgotten I'd have to part with them.

"Keep them," he answers.

Now my whole face ignites. "I can't do that, they're yours. I think I can take a guess how many clothes you guys go through phasing and I don't want to lessen your supply even worse."

He laughs, still a beautiful sound crackling through the phone. "If it makes you feel better, I've long since learned to avoid destroying stuff."

"Right," I bit my lip. "Still, it wouldn't be fair to take them when you're giving mine back."

"Don't worry about it." And Sam sounds so sure and comforting that I can't bring myself to argue. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I want pieces of him tucked away after all.

"Okay, I'll see you then." I cringe at myself for wanting to cut off the conversation so quickly, but I fear I'm going to implode if I don't. I clutch my comforter closer to my chest and dig my toes into the bed. Every nerve in my body waits for his answer.

"See you then, Bella."

 

 

 

 

 

The funeral is a weird affair. I don't understand many Quileute traditions. The burial grounds are said to be sacred so only a few elders work to bury his coffin. I try not to cry watching it lowered into the ground.

Sue hugs her children closer to her. They all wear black. I think Leah has a dress on, which I immediately know isn't natural to her. I feel underdressed with just a dark coat on. At least I'm not as bad as Charlie with his police uniform.

Whenever I look over at him, I'm surprised to see his face full of sorrow. He has been close to Harry and Billy all my life. But displaying emotions has never been a trait for the Swan family. It must really hurt if he looks like he's about to cry himself. I keep touching my eyes to avoid a full breakdown.

Sam and the other wolves stand gathered off to the side with their heads down. Shirtless, as usual. Yet no one complains about it.

When it is all said and done, we make our way to the beach where the pack, presumably using their super strength, sits up logs to sit on.

The mood of the funeral only lasts half an hour. People slowly start to warm up as the sun goes down. There are enough stories of Harry to go around. I finally see Sue smile a little bit, relying on her own embarrassing times as her husband tried to woo her. It stirs another incomprehensible emotion in me.

Sam sits next to me and as usual, I heat up just being near him. With his legs spread out, half an inch away from touching mine. I try to smile and not think about it. He hands me a bag full of my clothes and I sheepishly say thank you. Even Charlie remarks that was generous of him. I melt seeing them interact so casually. Charlie always hated Edward.

Billy and Jake approach us. And Jacob still refuses to look me directly in the eye. Strange how I realize both of them know the truth of what happened with Harry. And we're all sworn to secrecy about it. I don't know if this is the best way to honor him, but I know he'd wish for us to protect the tribe above all else.

"Let's go partake in some more adult activities, Old Chief," Billy snickers at Charlie like it's an old inside joke.

Charlie rolls his eyes and stands up, stretching his legs and pretending to be bothered. I already know he enjoys beer occasionally. Commenting on it would feel hypocritical considering my past behavior.

"Dad, that's not a good idea," Jacob chastises. He wears his usual concerned face that I hadn't noticed I'd been missing so much.

His father scoffs at him, "It's a celebration, son. Harry's ghost will haunt us if we don't."

Wheeling Billy off, they leave the three of us by ourselves. Jake isn't keen to stick around. He gives us a formal nod and runs off to who I know as Embry. I look around and see Quil watch the two of them, his own features worried and jealous. He still doesn't know the secret. Maybe he never will.

"He won't be angry at you forever," Sam says to me.

His large dark eyes almost convince me of this, but I shake my head. I might not be in Jake's head like Sam is, but I can feel the energy between us. It's gone sour. Much like how it felt right before Edward announced he was leaving.

"I think, I don't know," I struggle to say. "He was expecting something more from me. Something I can't give him."

Sam nods, "I know. But he still does care about you, Bella. Deep down below the hurt."

"Thanks," I mumble, awkwardly.

Electricity goes through me. Sam lays his hand on top of mine and commands my eyes to look into his. Always so round, so deep, so brilliant. My breath is stolen. I remember feeling this long ago in a different lifetime. My lungs scream.

"I care about you too, more than you know," Sam admits, his voice firm but still creaking. I know it's a fact he's whispering to me. The way his shoulders are so broad and stable shows that he believes what he's saying down to his very core. I almost jump back. How do I know this? Why does it feel so overwhelming?

"I'm not part of the pack," I respond, feeling my cheeks nearly wilt.

"You are to me," he states.

I don't know what sort of panic takes over me, but I excuse myself from Sam's side. My whole body burns sitting next to him and yet my hands want nothing more than to reach out to his warm face. I ball them into fists and try to find something else to distract myself with.

 

 

 

 

 

Shuffling between different groups of people has never been so hard before. The boys are eager to tell me various stories of turning into a wolf. I do manage to laugh a bit hearing their tales of chasing each other's tails.

Jake talks to me just a little bit since I'm not near Sam. I suppose I don't quite understand their animosity. Something twists inside of me telling me that it's because of me. I don't much want to be around Jake after feeling this way. His eyes narrow on me.

The Clearwaters finally move around the gathering from their first spot next to the elders. I wait a long time till Leah separates from her mom and brother. My feet guide me to her easily.

Her hair is cropped. I can see the jagged ends. Must have been done in a rush. I swallow as the memory of seeing Jake like this weighs down on me. She's even grown a couple of inches and now has more muscle mass in her arms than in my whole body, like him too. It strikes me now that she could be just as angry as he was.

"Hey," I say as I approach her slowly. She turns and looks at me quizzically, but at least there's no animosity. "How are you doing?"

"Pretty shitty," she answers, eyebrows raised.

"Make sense," I mumble, averting my eyes. I could swear she'd stare an actual hole into someone's head if she was in the mood for it. But instead, I hear her grumble and just sigh at me. It's the sound of pity, I've heard it before.

"You know, there's absolutely no record of another girl phasing in all of those old fucking journals. What am I supposed to do with that info, huh? Proof that I'm even freakier than the rest of these bastards?"

A choked laugh escapes from me. She looks at me surprised, clearly not expecting this reaction but I see her own lip pull into a smile.

"Maybe you're special," I suggest a little playfully. "Chosen by the universe or something?"

Leah's eyes narrow, "You really believe in that shit?"

"No," I shake my head, "I've never believed in God or anything else."

I think I might know a dozen other people who have. Charlie and Renee have both seemed to believe in something, even if neither could put it into words. Yet they never took me to any house of worship. I try to push the thought of Carlisle and his Catholicism out of my head. It was beautiful to know of his faith then, but now, the words fail me. Maybe too much has happened.

With a bigger smile, she nods, "Me neither. Because some man in the sky who decided all this," she gestures to the funeral celebrations going on around us, "has to be evil at the very least. Certainly doesn't deserve praying to."

I hum in approval.

The night festivities seem to rage on. I look over at Sam and even see a beer in his hand. Despite the mourning for Harry, people are in high spirits. I begin to feel faint on my feet. I don't quite understand why. Maybe I'm just too inexperienced with how the Quilettes move on from death. Bella from a few months ago would have buried herself in her bed again.

Leah and I don't say anything for a while.

"I thought Edward Cullen was a god," the words fall out of me. I recoil in shock at them and Leah looks at me surprised. But I know the statement to be true. I was desperately in love with an ideal, a perfect figure who I believed nature had blessed to be that way.

She swallows, "Yeah, some fucked up god he would have been."

I cough.

But another smile pulls itself from my cheeks. "And then I thought maybe Jake was, you know. He was so kind and truthful. But now he's just kind of an asshole," I whisper the offending word while looking at him from the corner of my eye. He doesn't acknowledge my slight against him at all.

Leah bursts out lighting.

"Alright, ex-vampire girl, suppose we can put our numbers in each other's phones after all," she winks at me.

It's a short affair trading phones. I briefly panic that she'll see Sam's number in there or maybe the fact I haven't deleted any of the Cullens, but she doesn't mention anything. Her model isn't as new as mine and I also feel guilty for that.

"There's Sam's mom," Leah lowers her voice.

I realize immediately why she isn't keen on having anyone else hear us. Sam's mom is undoubtedly beautiful, unsurprising really since she's his mom after all. But three long silvery gashes run down her face and neck. She maneuvers like she hardly knows they are there. All the organs in my abdomen squeeze together. I don't know this story. I only know the words he told me. I didn't get to live it. So I have no place to judge.

I don't react much.

"You know about that?" Leah raises an eye at me and folds her arms across her chest. Her posture is much more confident than mine.

"Mmhm," I nod with my eyes cast downward. Perhaps she's surprised by this.

"Well," Leah scoffs. Then she looks out at the crowd until she signals out a taller woman with bangs. Someone again who looks poised and accepted in this group. She wears a tight burgundy shirt. "Do you know about her?"

I squint, "Uh, no. She looks like she's with Paul?" The woman and Paul look rather cozy together. Sometimes he'll stretch his arm out across her shoulders and squeeze her. She'll playfully hit him back on the shoulder. They look like they've been with each other for a while.

Leah rolls her eyes, "Yeah, she's dating him now. But before she was with Sam."

Instantly, I turn to fully face her. Leah looks even sharper now with her cut hair and revealing clothing. I gathered pretty early on that the other boys stay shirtless to avoid tearing more clothes. Now Leah has to wear smaller articles of clothing. As far as I can tell though, she has the same constant body heat to protect her.

"When?" I ask. I can't even disguise my curiosity.

"Shortly after he left me."

I grind my teeth together.

Her tone of disapproval is obvious enough. And I can't help but think she's right if she believes that was a crappy thing to do. I don't know very much about Sam's motives, but leaving Leah in the dust doesn't make a ton of sense.

My mind tugs in different directions. I know who Sam is now. Strong and capable. Not the type to leave people without any explanation. Well...still. What he did to Leah is arguably worse. And I accept it as a mistake, but knowing him now, I don't know if I have it in me to feel angry. Maybe, looking at both Leah and this Emily's perfect physique, just jealous. My skin grows tight at the thought.

"Suppose I'm just supposed to accept it now that I know the wolfy secret too," she says.

"I'm sorry," I tell her because I have nothing else to say.

She turns to me with a fire blazing in her eyes, "You should ask Sam about some of the other secrets he might have."

I bite the inside of my cheek, "He doesn't have to tell me anything though. He might not even like me."

"Doesn't like you!" Leah exclaims incredulously. "Good God, that man has done nothing but look at you with puppy dog eyes the entire night."

My whole body flushes.

Again, another eye roll, "And you wonder what's ticking Jake off."

Without stopping myself, I let out an awkward laugh, "I think everything ticks him off."

"Damn, straight," Leah mutters. I remember that she and everyone else in the pack have gone through the same thing. "Well, I need more alcohol now that my dad isn't here to tell me no."

My jaw drops at her particularly morbid joke. She just laughs and pats me on the back. I follow her rejoin Embry and Jacob away from the two established couples laughing somewhere else. Jacob looks at me for a second but averts his gaze pretty quickly. Guilt reaches my fingertips, but I ball up my hands and walk away.

I sit back down next to Sam, who looks as if he's been waiting for me. I give him a small smile as the embers sizzling from the fire reach out to graze my skin.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask him. I feel my stomach turn into a huge bundle of nerves. I don't really know why I am about to ask what I am. Or maybe I do, but I can't confront that part of myself now.

"Anything," he tells me, eyes still shining. He always looks so strong, so trustworthy. Why am I asking something that could affect my opinion of him now? Just to hurt myself more than I already have been?

"How many, um, people have you been with?" I hurry the question out in such a way that maybe a normal person wouldn't catch it. But he's not normal, he's Sam.

Sam loses a bit of his sparkling aura and frowns, "Just four."

"Just four," I repeat without looking at him. My whole body burns.

We sit in silence until another burning question forces its way up my throat until I cough it out. "Who was the first?"

"A girl in my high school class. It was only a couple of times," he admits.

My fingers absentmindedly play with the stump of wood I'm sitting on. I feel it crack beneath my fingers as I stare into the fire pit. I don't feel much outside warmth, however. I only feel embarrassment burn itself onto my features.

"And then Leah?"

Sam nods, maybe makes an 'mmhmm' sound.

"And then Emily after that?" I press. Later, I'll want to kill myself for this.

He turns me with wide and surprised eyes, "That was a mistake."

I shake my head, "I can't judge you for that."

There's something unspoken left on my tongue. I could be a mistake too. He never told me why he left. I've never asked. Now would be the moment. But I can't face that rejection from him, not again from a person I've grown close to. Edward and Jake are enough.

"Well," I cough again, "Are you going to ask me the same question?"

"Do you want me to?"

I can't answer. Maybe the fire is burning me after all and all that remains is a Bella with the last morsel of self-preservation a charred crumb beside her.

Sam asks, "Who was your first, Bella?"

"You."

His brow furrows and he sits up away from me. My heart beats furiously seeing him be confused by this. Was it not obvious?

"And after?" he continues, his expression laced with uncertainty, eyes searching my every look.

My voice a wobbling whisper, "Just you."

The confession electrifies the air between us. I'm reduced to a small, paralyzed child facing discipline from her parents.

Sam's eyes bug out and his jaw juts forward, turning away from me. His head shakes, no, spasms, in some way that I can only describe as in raw disbelief. The same way I reacted to him leavingThe emotion is else unreadable, but something about it feels like it ought to be familiar. He swallows and swallows again. His Adam's apple bobs repeatedly. I watch the changes on his face. Flickers of shock, anger, and probably harsh judgment of me. It doesn't look like he's going to phase, thank god. He's vibrating with a different air of frenzy. When he finally does turn back to look at me, there's some sort of terror present in his expression.

His voice is low and he presses his eyelids shut, "Are you sure, Bella?"

"Of course," I say, my cheeks hotter than I ever remember them being. "I'm not, I'm not…," I don't want to say something insulting about the rest of women. I clear my throat, "There has only been you. Ever."

Sam sets his jaw back in the right spot.

We again sit in silence. I listen to the cheers of the celebration going on all around me. I could search out Leah again or even Jacob, find something else to escape this moment with, but I don't. The pain of making Sam uncomfortable seeps too deeply within me. I stay by him.

"I'm sorry," I say, not looking at him. It's the only thing I can think of saying.

He immediately turns back to me, "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I should be sorry. I am sorry, Bella."

"Don't be," I hurry out. "I think, or I'm trying to, remember what I said. And I understand why you left."

Sam looks like he's about to apologize again so I cut him off.

"It wasn't you. I had been seeing him for so long. And he was so mean to me like he was a completely different person than the one I knew. He had a right to be upset at me, like you did and Jake too, for drinking and doing drugs, but I still wanted him gone. I don't know how that happened. I thought I would want him with me forever even if he was a hallucination. But that night, that was the last time I saw him. That's all I remember. It was like a final goodbye."

The confession spills from me. It removes itself from the marrow of my biomes, threatening to crack them open and leave me

"I don't regret it," I add. "But we can just forget it ever happened."

"I can't do that," he answers. His eyes are dark as he looks at me, and I instinctively turn away. The flashes of how he looked at me that night come back full force. I cross my legs. Whatever strong emotion he feels, desperation, maybe, attacks me simultaneously. I hear our rugged breaths become in sync.

"Me neither," I whisper.

It haunts me at night, leaves me aching and breathless. I thought I had committed the worst sin against Edward. But the part of my soul that longs for Sam's touch again keeps being ignited. Being around him stirs the worst desire within me. To be taken and marked.

I won't tell Sam of Edward's constant rejections. How I had reached for ice-cold hands to provide me warmth. He always said no. He was worried about hurting me. I could never argue against that. Even his kisses were always reluctant. And now when I look at Sam, half of his face illuminated by the massive bonfire, I feel something twist inside of me, looking for another hint of the heat only experienced by being with him.

Eventually, Charlie finds us sitting there without speaking and takes me home. We now let the memory of Harry, and especially his death, rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

For the first time in months, I almost slept soundly. There were no massive nightmares. Only a feeling of warmth mixed with some discomfort. Still in a good enough mood, I offer to make Charlie breakfast this Sunday too. Maybe something sugary. That seems good.

"Sorry, Kiddo, I've got to put in an extra shift for this wolf business," he states.

I grip the countertop to steady myself. What can I tell him though? It's not true. The wolves aren't the evil ones?

"No problem, Dad. I'll just make something for myself and dinner for when you get home," I answer.

He nods, "Thanks, Bells. That'd be nice."

There's a knock on the door minutes after Charlie's left. He's probably come back to get something he's forgotten. But a scan around the room eliminates the usual culprits. Coffee and holster aren't present.

Then I see Sam's form outside the door and my feet skip to open it for him, a rather dangerous endeavor coming from me. I try to wipe the growing grin off my face. It's impossible now when it comes to him. Much like how it was with Edward. I didn't expect to see him again so soon after the bonfire.

"Hey," I say, flinging aside the barrier between us. "What are you doing here?"

I can instantly tell my light tone is not matched by the way his expression falters upon seeing me. His eyes are uncharacteristically wide, but his face remains rather emotionless. My stomach drops a bit seeing he doesn't look that happy to greet me.

"May I come inside?"

I push the door open wider and stand aside so he can enter. I feel my breath hitch when he steps in. This may be the first time he's seen my house and I haven't even cleaned that well. His house has always been pretty spotless, but certainly not devoid of character. I try thinking about this instead of the creeping dread going up my spine.

"What is that?" I ask. Sam is holding onto a white plastic bag. It looks like it's from a drugstore. There's a distinct rectangle shape poking out from the inside.

I feel beads of sweat form on my forehead. My arms are beginning to twitch. The anxiety is nearly fully-fledged now. I can't shake it off.

"I need you to take this," he tells me. His face is deadly serious. Then he finally shows me what's inside his bag. A pink and blue box labeled with 'Results in two minutes or less!' Maybe something about being the best test on the market.

I lose all of my breath.

I know what kind of a test that is.

"No," I mumble looking downwards, "I don't think…"

"I need you to take this," he repeats, even more serious now.

My mind swarms with thoughts. Obviously, I don't need it...but when was the last time I've gotten my period? My hands grow clammy when I realize I don't know. I've been so preoccupied with things. Jake and then Victoria. Surely I've had a cycle in between these things? But I can't remember. Maybe it's just another symptom of the brain fog I can't seem to get rid of.

Then I think of other symptoms. I've thrown up so often, been nauseous, and not eager to eat anything. Panic wells behind my eyes. I can feel the tears threatening to spill. Have I ever been more emotional than I've been in the past couple of months?

Oh god.

Sam looks at me expectantly, like he's not going to leave until I do as he says.

I look back down at his outstretched dark hand and the box he's holding with it. I don't want quick results. No thank you. Yet, there's no argument I can give against this. He looks at me like he knows the answer anyway.

"Okay," I whisper.

I take it from him and my cheeks grow warm once more around him. "Please wait down here."

When I'm upstairs and out of sight behind the bathroom door, I take another good look at myself. I don't look like how I did when he first left. I look different. Tired and sick and maybe full of something else. Something I really don't want to face.

I hear Sam's heavy footsteps below. He's probably roaming around and looking at our family portraits or something. Oh god, family. I realize that is what this means, in a sort of abstract way. A growing family.

I need to get this over with. It can't possibly be as bad as Sam seems to think it is.

Except: It is positive.

The damned second line showed up instantly. Didn't even have to wait the whole fucking minute. This can't be real. I can't be going through this. It was only once with Sam. Isn't it rare for it to happen from just one time?

I press my wrist up to my mouth and feel my whole body sob.

The test falls to the bathroom floor and I hear it bounce repeatedly on the tiles. I can't stare at anything else. It finally stops and so does my life. Oh my god.

"Bella?" Sam's deep voice asks from below.

Straightening myself and stopping my tears, I open the door just a crack to yell out to him. "Um, still waiting!"

He doesn't answer, but then I feel the urge inside of me to leave. I can't be in this house another second. I need to run far, far away. But Sam obviously stands in the way of that. I suddenly get an idea. It might not work, but I have to try something.

"You can wait in my room!" I call out to him again. "It's just upstairs."

When I hear his footsteps climb the staircase and follow the allotted amount until he reaches my room, I don't waste a second and bolt out of the bathroom.

My feet carry me faster than I've gone before. Faster than when I ran away from Paul as a wolf. It's a miracle I'm making it down the stairs without tripping. I'm soaring through my house and pushing through the front door. But I don't stop to breathe when I make it outside. I run across the driveway and hit the ground even quicker. I'm almost into the trees when I feel a sudden halt.

Sam's caught up with me. Of course, he has. He holds onto my wrist and the inertia from stopping my flight almost causes me to crash back into him.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I turn around and hiss at him: "I'm pregnant!"

He doesn't even look surprised. He looks at me with pity. I almost recoil in disgust. I could push him aside and vomit on the ground. I can barely hear anything, the ringing becomes so loud. I can't see. I can't move.

I look down at his hand curled around my wrist. Have I always been so small and weak compared to him?

"Bella, Bella." My name bounces around in my own head. I feel faint, but his hand grips to steady me. "Bella."

'Shhh,' I want to say. 'Stop talking.' Everything dies on my lips. My vision curdles inward. I try to push him away, but I know he won't budge. A deeper frown creases around my mouth.

I hear Sam's steady breaths, nothing else. I try to focus on him, on the man I've grown to know. To care about. He's always kept his breathing so steady. I think he has to if what they say about phasing while feeling emotional is true. But his words scare me now. They scare me to death.

"Bella, what you said at the bonfire last night…"

Right, Harry's party. What did I say? What was important? The thoughts I'm thinking are only as audible as a person screaming in water. Gurgling and lacking resonance. My stomach flips in. And Sam's charcoal eyes destroy my soul for a second time.

"It's mine. It's mine, Bella."

 

 

 

 

 

I blink.

 

 

 

 

 

The world stops spinning.

 

 

 

 

 

Or maybe it spins a thousand times faster than it ever had before.

 

 

 

 

 

I reach down to poke at my stomach. There's something there. Something firm and round and painfully obvious now. My fingers graze over the infinitesimal swell. It takes all of my effort to tear my eyes away.

"Oh," is all I say.

My heartbeat echoes in my ears.

We stare at each other for a few impossible moments. A snapshot of forever. I don't know if he's looking at me like I'm fragile, made of glass and going to break any second, or with a buried demand of me needing to face the truth I had willed away for so long. His stare is so intense, more than I thought possible considering his past looks. He looks like he's going to die. And that I'm already dead. Maybe it's true.

"How long have you known?" I choke out. Even my own voice is foreign to me now.

"A while."

I circle my fingers around my belly. I can't pull my hand away from this new part of me. Everything is glued to this one impossible moment. I grip the area tighter, nearly willing it to go back inside of me and let my stomach be flat once again. But there's something in there.

"Why-why didn't you say anything?" my voice is small, my words marred by near-sobbing.

"I assumed you weren't that far along if you didn't know," Sam answers. "I thought you were with someone else."

I shake my head and my tears fling in different directions. How could I be with someone else?

This can't be happening.

"Oh," I whine again. My ears go back to ringing.

I take a step. Forward or back, I can't tell. My shoe connects with a rock and I stumble forward. Sam is catching me before I've fallen a foot through the air. His chest is warm and solid like granite. But he feels more human and alive than anything I've felt before. It almost undoes me.

"Are you alright?" he asks. I can see how unsure he is. His eyes briefly flicker over my abdomen and I almost cover myself with my hands. But then something clicks in my mind. I steady myself back on the ground to look into his dark eyes.

I don't answer him, barely concerned with my own well-being. Instead, I whisper, "Can you hear it?"

His mouth parts open, but then he closes it just to nod.

"Does it sound okay?" I ask. The shock of my burgeoning maternal instincts will register more to me later.

"Yes," his voice wavers at the end. I look closer at him and see his eyes have glazed over. He looks different than he did a week ago when he went into shock after Harry's death. Now he looks like he's been reduced to a middle school-aged boy. An adolescent barely capable of hearing the news that they're going to get a younger sibling soon.

I cry then.

I cry because my body can't handle it at how I'm actually relieved to hear this. How something small and probably no bigger than a peanut now rules my life. Something I didn't know existed until ten minutes ago. But there it is inside of me. And so is the desperate desire to make sure it's okay.

I can't handle Sam because I don't know what he's feeling about it. Shame reaches the tops of my cheeks. Oh god, he probably hates me. He probably hates this whole situation. God, I remember not even thinking about protection. I could have done something and now I'm...I don't want to think the word again.

Sam's hands find my shoulders and he pulls me up to look at him. I can see his eyes really sparkling now. It only makes me cry worse.

"It's going to be alright," he tells me. "I'm going to be there for you."

I keep crying because I don't know what he means. Is he asking for me to get rid of it? I instantly know I can't do such a thing. The strange unfolding feeling of love grips me. It might take days for my mind to catch up, but my bodily instincts immediately want to fight for my child. Even if I'm alone and have no idea how to take care of another tiny person.

Suddenly, Sam's head twitches towards the trees. I know this look from before. He looked the same way before Victoria appeared to threaten us. Like how he could hear her hiding in the woods.

I sob out loud now realizing this.

"It's not a threat," he tells me quickly. "She's just testing our borders again. Trying to tire us out."

I can barely hear him.

"I'll have to go," he adds. I see regret flicker across his features and know he means it. Still, my chest feels like it's caving in and I can't even walk back to my house alone without falling.

"What?" I demand, surprising myself with the anger in my voice.

He frowns, "She's learning too much about our land. I need to make sure she can't get anywhere else."

"Fine," I grit out through my teeth. "I'll handle this on my own."

His brow furrows together, his russet skin reflecting in the few rays of sunlight. He's gorgeous. I remember when I first saw him outside of my house. I remember being nearly in awe. I feel the same now, but the bubbles of rage are building in my throat. Gorgeous men can't be trusted.

"Bella, I will come back..."

"No, go," I sob. "Please just leave."

"Bella…" He looks almost defeated, begging me like this. But I can't hear it anymore. If my knees are going to buckle and I'm going to cry myself to sleep, I don't want him near to watch. I muster my last bit of courage and fight to look past his broken eyes. I can't handle this anymore.

"Please go!"

He nods and with a final sorry look of goodbye, jogs off into the trees.

The moment he's gone, my legs do finally give out and I fall to the forest floor. My hands and knees hurt pressing against the sharp pine nettles. I know this feeling. I've done this before. I'm just more lucid now. So impossibly aware of the impossible situation I'm in.

I dry heave and cry for too long.

When I finally become capable of picking myself up, I can only manage to silently drag myself back into bed. Finally, my mental stability slips, and the images of a foreign dreamland come.

I imagine myself as a ball of light underneath the ground. While I shine, I am alone. There's nothing for anyone else to see. Then suddenly a small seed falls into me and although it is foreign and intrusive, I feel like I could almost cope with it. But it wants to grow. And its tendrils wrap all over me, siphoning off my light so it can expand. These veins reach further and further into my body so it can replicate. I suffocate.

I wake up covered in sweat.

And shockingly, the nightmare is easy to fight off for the first time in my life. That's not what having a child is like. I know within me that my light will only grow with the addition of another person. It couldn't possibly strangle me to death. Not when it's made of love.

My full-length mirror calls to me. I stand in front of, dumbstruck at how different I look. I gently push up my camisole until only skin is exposed. There it is again. A small bump.

Still shaking, my hands instinctively cup my flesh. I can't feel anything moving yet, but I hope I do soon. Despite the shock and fear for the future, I know I want this. I think back to all of the difficult times. James attacking me, the Cullens leaving, losing Jake as a friend, and now Victoria. Nothing ever seemed to have a true light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I could weather out the difficult things for people I cared about, but I didn't know if anything would ever get better for me.

Now I do. Because this feels different. This feels like hope.

Notes:

They know!!! Seriously, half of the reason I wrote this story was to get to the scene where Sam tells Bella about the baby! It straight up haunted me, and it's so bittersweet to know it's here but I need to take a break before I can get into the other half of the story. Do stay tuned! I hopefully have more interesting/weird takes ahead. It's nerve-wracking to think about whether or not your ideas will resonate with an audience, but alas the drive to write hasn't left me! I hope my pivot to work on school related things doesn't last long, thank you all for bearing with me!

Chapter 21: Sam Part Eleven

Summary:

"What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears." ― Seneca

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text


It's only when I'm miles into the woods, the scent of decaying leech in my nose, and the characteristic blur of red hair ahead that tells me once again I've lost, do I realize I've made a mistake. I should not have left Bella.

Every instinct in my body tells me to go back, to reach for her, to claim her. There's some magical frenzied force that swims inside my head. Something that tells me I should be fucking thrilled. This is what the imprint is for. To pass on the protective genes for our land. To cement a legacy with the one I'm meant to spend eternity with.

I want to scream.

I want to scream because there's that part of me that is thrilled. Happy beyond belief. Absolutely dumbstruck and awe-inspired. But there's a much larger part that's worried about her. About what I've done to her. How is she feeling? Can she handle this?

I'd go to her, I would. If I didn't feel the unholy urge to throw her over my shoulder and march to the nearest bedroom to celebrate.

The inhuman howls coming from my body cause me to shake. Fuck, I'm too out of control. If I was in human form, I might have looked down to find my hands flickering in and out of reality.

Like steam from a boiling pot of water needing somewhere to go, all of these chaotic feelings center on the blood-eyed vampire responsible for so much suffering. The desire to kill her is different now. Potent in a different way. It's no longer just for vengeance, but a bodily need. She threatens my family. She's going to die.

There's no use in chasing her, in continuing to cut my paws on the jagged rocks, worsening the further out I get. But I still have to anyway. I have to try.

"Yo boss, you doing okay?" Jared's voice reaches me finally.

No description exists for the strangled cry that echoes through our minds. They all know it originates from me. But they can't know why. I realize that immediately. I won't betray Bella while she's still clearly struggling to accept the truth herself.

"Well, that sounded just great," Paul huffs.

"Clearly not," Jacob's annoyed tone threatens to make me spill over in rage.

All I can do to not to turn around and lunge for his throat is to keep my focus on the fantasies of the redheaded demon's face getting smashed in multiple creative ways. Seth and Leah especially echo my sentiment of wishing to kill her, but like the rest of the pack, they're confused about my uncharacteristic rage. I fight to make a reasonable excuse float to the top of my mind. I need to chase her right now. Alone.

"Everyone's getting the day off," I bark out. "Go home now."

I'm not going to be able to stay around them much longer without them finding out. And I'm truthfully not ready for that shitshow either.

"You just gave us last night off for the bonfire," Jacob argues.

"Listen to me when I command you, Black," I growl. "Go."

For the most part, I can hold it together until I feel their minds disconnect from our mental connection. Jacob lingers on for a second, enough to share his disapproval meant to irk me even more.

Of course, the woman I used to date refuses to phase back. Shouldn't have expected anything less.

"Alright, what's wrong, Sam?" she asks. She asks in that goddamn knowing tone with the condescending thrill. I am not in the mood to deal with this. It's one thing I know for sure is different between her and Bella. Any of the latter's attitude towards me has been from a place of anger at me interrupting her self-destruction, rather than perceived moral superiority. The reminder of Bella and our situation stirs me again.

"Nothing," I spit out. "You need to leave too."

"As if," she laughs.

I'm going to fucking throw myself into these trees so I can feel a thousand splinters enter into my body. It'll be a worthy distraction.

"Don't make me order you, Leah," I threaten.

It's an open secret that she detests being ordered even more than the others. Her spitfire personality always fought every suggestion I tried to make in our relationship. And now that she might have to listen if I command it, she makes it known that it would be immoral to do so. Not that I disagree, it just happens to have its perks for battle management.

"Is this the hill you really want to die on?"

I don't say anything. I keep imagining my fingers closing around the leech's neck, snapping it right off where only a rocky stump remains. It's all I can think of.

"You know, you're not the only one who has things to be pissed off about," she bites out. I feel her rage still simmering from her father's death. It's what she leaves me with: the knowledge that I'm not the only one who wants to kill Victoria. And I'm not even close to the person who is most angry about her. Underneath my wrath is fear, the desperate fear that she's going to hurt my imprint and the child my imprint now carries. But underneath Leah's? Only a void of raw vengeance.

Maybe I run for another couple of miles. I run until I'm certain no one can hear me. And just when I want to phase into a human and scream my lungs out do I finally stop. I stop and the desire to yell vanishes.

I'm a man again. Naked and broken and on the verge of being lost in the Pacific forest.

When Bella spoke those words to me, there has only been you, I knew. I knew her baby was mine too. Our baby.

It's not that I'm ignorant of how babies are made. It's just that I made one. Somehow in Bella and I's frenzy, our DNA combined and a new life just poofed into existence. We actually created something beyond ourselves.

Something else hits me too. The terror that maybe Bella doesn't want this. She certainly didn't seem thrilled when I told her. And now I realize as my knees buckle that she's well within her rights to get rid of it. Something that has suddenly become so precious to me could vanish. Even if she wishes to keep it, maybe she won't want me to stick around.

I wipe at the pathetic droplets of water gathering in my eyes.

Now I can't stop thinking about a little kid with Bella's eyes and my dark skin. My fucking wolf genes. Jesus.

If she does keep the baby, as I pray to the gods she will, then I might have to tell her about the imprint. Dread pools at the back of my throat. Swallowing doesn't help it dissipate. There's still time. She doesn't need to know everything right away. Most of all, she needs to know she has a choice even if I don't have one.

I spend hours running around between trees and rocks. I go until my breath gets weary and my muscles scream at me to stop. There isn't anything more I can do. And that continues to be a hard thing to admit.

When I make it back to my house, the pack is gathered outside waiting for me. I barely want to look them in the eye. It hurts enough to keep realizing that a bunch of shirtless and barefoot teenagers running around in the forest isn't natural at all. If I hadn't been the first person to phase, if I was too old, which one of them would be leading? Jacob? It doesn't seem very likely.

I can't look any of them in the eye, so I mutter a command and hope they get the picture.

"I'm going to be taking the majority of shifts watching the boundary. I'll let you know when you're all needed."

I don't wait to hear any responses, my feet carry me into my house, up the stairs, and straight into bed. My exhaustion prevents me from dreaming and for that, I'm grateful.

I spend a week, an entire goddamn week, pushing myself to the brink of collapse so I can avoid the chaos in my mind. So I can avoid thinking about Bella. Now, all I feel is the instinct to tear into the vampire that stole a father figure from me and continues to threaten my people.

Truthfully, I'm getting very tired of telling the pack I don't need their help with this. No one else can imagine this level of murderous desire. I am forced to give them responsibility when I need to sleep, however. It grates on my nerves. But most of the time I collapse on my couch unable to use the last bit of energy to make it to my room. No time to ponder

It takes a wake until there's a loud knock on my front door that stirs me from a nightmare of Bella giving birth to an actual wolf. Maybe I'll psychoanalyze that later. Probably not though.

I wipe my eyes and squint at the harsh light. I'd yell to tell whoever it is to go away, but I'm too slow in the split second I take to wonder if it's my mother and how I should let her in if so. But I realize who it is immediately after and groan in anticipation.

She throws the door open widely, hitting the other side of the wall. Her short hair swooshes beside her and her hands are on her hips before I can count to three. I recognize a new green tank top she has on and deduce she's probably shredded more clothes accidentally. It hits me then that my lack of presence has probably negatively impacted the time. Guilt comes once again. I can see why she's here to berate me now.

"Stop trying to chase the vampire," Leah growls at me.

What a marvelous idea.

I scoff at her immediately.

Leah responds by sneering loudly enough at just the right frequency to threaten to burst my eardrum. Kind of an impressive feat considering my body's changes.

"Don't you have any idea what she's doing?" Leah asks as if the answer is the most obvious thing in the world. "She's trying to get inside your head."

I grunt without looking up.

"And clearly it's working."

My eyes squeeze shut. Victoria knows enough about our land. I haven't been ignorant to that fact. I had wanted to keep her from knowing more, but if she had the ability to run free and kill Harry, she knows at least one path to threaten more people. Maybe I've directed too much energy into trying to plug up holes when.

Yeah, she's messing with me alright. And soon she'll likely discover another reason to taunt me. She might even expect me to act more irrationally because of it. She would be right. The realization alone fills me with anger. A few deep breaths fill my lungs and the image of Bella's soft brown eyes pops into my head. It's enough to calm me for a moment.

"Fine," I concede. "I'll deal with it."

I hear her huff from across the room, practically seeing the smoke come out of her ears.

"Tell me what's really up, Sam," Leah levels her voice. If I look at her now, I know I'll find her hands glued to her hips, leaning slightly forward. She always copied Sue in that manner.

I don't know if it's the weeks of pent-up loneliness, missing Leah's still friendship somehow, or just the desire to tell the truth, but I do it. The weight of it is too great to bear on my own.

"Bella's pregnant," I say. The words still don't feel real. But the pressure build-up at the base of my spine tells me it is. Somehow this is real and still, all I want to do is wrap my arms around Bella and never let go.

I sense Leah's body completely freeze. The living room becomes dead silent. A pin could drop and neither of us would move.

"Damn," she finally utters, trying to mask her shock with her usual nonchalant tone. "Guess I know why you're so glum. Jealousy's a bitch…"

Her words trail off and our eyes connect from across the room. I can see her pupils expand as she recognizes the expression written on my face.

"Oh, you fucking idiot."

She's in front of me faster than I can blink my eyes. Still, I see her hand moving towards me and decide to let it come. A hot, painful slap across my cheek. Enough my head to twist to the side without any effort on my part. If I focus hard enough, I can almost feel my brain swish around in my skull. It's fortunate that I wasn't biting my tongue or else I might have bit it clean off. I let the pain subside and try to keep my expression straight.

"You motherfucker!" she sneers at me and raises a fist next. She makes the ignorant move of moving her arm back in an effort to increase the momentum when it actually does the opposite. Too much energy is wasted on the wind-up.

I'm able to catch it before she even gets close to hitting her target. My eye, most likely.

"That's enough."

My calm tone only works to further her fury. Once again.

"She's in high school!"

I swallow as I register the look she's giving me. I think back to the many years ago when Leah and I were just starting to get intimate and how pissed-scared I was of knocking her up while we still had chem class together.

"I'll ensure she graduates," I answer. I think that's happening soon anyway.

"I should fucking murder you," she reaches forward and grabs a fistful of my shirt. If she's trying to pull me up from the couch so we face each other, she should know she doesn't have enough leverage to do so. My shirt will just rip off and we'll both be upset.

And as if I haven't been thinking of how I deserve murder all week, Lee.

"Make sure she graduates!" Leah mocks. "As if that's even close to what babies need."

"I'll take care of everything else too," I answer immediately. I sit up a little straighter as I didn't expect myself to sound so sure of my capability to do so. My voice isn't laced with the nonstop fear I've been feeling.

My hand closes around Leah's still clutching to my shirt, but I manage to get her grip to loosen. Maybe seeing the sincerity in my eyes causes her to let go, but she eventually does. I guide her to sit down on the couch next to me instead of towering over.

"Does she know that?" Leah asks, still venomous.

I don't answer for a minute, but the fiery woman in front of me won't leave until I say something. A sigh escapes.

"I'm not sure she wants to talk to me."

Her eyebrows fly upwards and then she shakes her head, "You really are an idiot, Uley."

Okay, I've reached the limit of Leah's 'sass.' It's not like she can understand the difficulties of an imprint. Wishing to please her requests while also wanting to provide comfort. As if this hasn't been tearing me apart for the better of seven months now. Leah herself has voiced the exact reasons I've been carrying such guilt around with Bella.

"She told me to go away, Leah," I growl.

This doesn't seem to phase her.

"Of course she did, moron. I bet you said something really fucking stupid, didn't you?"

I sigh again and avert my eyes, "Victoria was on our land."

Recognition flickers across her features, she knows why I was so upset that day now. I do everything in my power to not let a drop of embarrassment seep through. Sometime in the future I might analyze my actions and conclude that I reacted as a very stressed out person might.

"You haven't talked to her since," she reasons, judgment seeping through at the end.

I don't respond.

"Pathetic," she mumbles, not quiet at all.

Leah runs her hands through her short hair, tugging hard like she always did when she's trying to think. I remember running my own fingers through her hair. It seemed to calm her after we fought. We always fought. And Leah always loved her long hair. Another reminder of a life lost.

"When did you even sleep with her? Why did you sleep with her! It's the imprint bullshit, huh? Gotta claim the woman like some fucking caveman."

"No." I spit out, feeling the hurt flicker through my chest. "I wasn't expecting that to happen. It just did."

There isn't a good reason to delve into the details of what happened. For the first time in a week, I think of what else Bella said at Harry's funeral. How a ghost of her ex had been living in her mind and our night together somehow set her free. Hope pools in my belly. An uncomfortable warmth that has no right being there.

"We've worked through it," which might not be entirely true but it's the simplest explanation for what is between us. "I'm just not sure she's happy the baby is mine."

The woman I was once in love with rolls her eyes.

"Do you know that for sure?"

I grunt, "No."

"God, you two drive me insane," she whines. "If you're not going to talk to her, then I am."

Now I groan myself, "Please don't do that."

An eyebrow raises, "Are you going to stop me?"

Choose your battles. I throw up my hands in the air to admit defeat, "Fine. Don't let me get in the way of your friendship."

Bella deserves meaningful friends and Leah is far from the worst choice. I just don't want the two conspiring against me. I remember the devious looks shared between my mother and Emily and look at how great that worked out. Bella is much more important now.

"Whatever," Leah mumbles, "I'm leaving."

I offer her a dispassionate wave goodbye as I hear her footsteps walk to the door. Once again, she flings it open without care but then stops to talk to me for the last time.

"Not long ago I wanted to bear your kids," Leah grumbles a startling admission.

A bitter taste forms in my mouth. "You'll find someone else, Leah." It's a bad thing to tell someone, I know. Still, the tethering of an imprint hums in my bones and I won't offer her false remorse for it. I've got enough to feel sorry for with her.

She looks at me abruptly with disgust pooling in her eyes as she seethes, "That isn't the problem."

I'm about to ask her to explain when she cuts me off to get the last word, "I hope you get over yourself, Sam."

Leah has never been a particularly nice person.

She lets the door slam harshly. And with our super strength, I immediately worry about the hinges. Well, nothing I can't fix anyway.

But as soon as she leaves, I know she's right about at least one thing: Victoria. A better plan begins to formulate in my head.

I still reel from the embarrassment of my earlier panic attack and subsequent shunning of the pack, but it's time to be a man again. There are many things now that are going to call for me to toughen up. I've spent enough time being sour at the hand I've been dealt.

When I'm out for my shift in the morning the next day, I tell Jared to call a meeting in the afternoon. He's surprised but doesn't press me much. I can feel his desire to ask about my imprint, seems he also understood my fever tied back to her.

Everyone is gathered outside of Jacob Black's house when I find them. The boy in question leans against the outside walls and regards me suspiciously. He's waiting to judge my words, I'm sure. Let him, I'm secure in my plans.

"Listen up," I command. "We're going to try a new technique here. I haven't been the most attentive in the last week and I'd like to apologize for that."

I hear murmurs between them and find myself looking at Leah. She keeps her eyes downward for now, not keen on showing the group any support she might have for me. Fine, I can lead well enough by myself.

"Victoria has been looking to upset me the most. I've been making the mistake of allowing that to happen. From now on, I'm not going to be guarding the borders anymore. Two of you will take turns watching while the rest train with me on the inside. Understand?"

"So you're going to leave us to deal with her?" Jacob presses.

"No," I keep my voice firm as I clarify. "She likely knows that if I'm occupied chasing her, I can't spend time thinking about how to take her down. That's where my energy needs to be right now as our leader. Do you disagree?"

He doesn't answer, the clearest signal he'll give for defeat.

"We can handle it," Paul speaks with his chest boasted upward. "You're giving me main command out there as beta, right?"

Shit, forgot about that. I point my finger at his chest and he straightens up even more. My eyes lock onto him as I speak, "Don't fuck it up."

"Not a chance, Alpha," Paul grins.

I hear the others snicker at him, even Leah. Their reaction stirs a fury inside of me and I snap at them, "Silence. You all are going to respect Paul. We cannot give her an opportunity to skip past us."

My gaze must be somewhat threatening because they all sober up quickly. My eyes land on the youngest member of our pack and I feel a creeping shame telling me I've been neglecting him.

"Seth, you're going to tell me if the others do not listen to him. It's very important that I know the truth."

The secret, however, is that I will also be testing Paul to see if he is deserving of this respect.

The kid stands tall and nods at me with his wide, brown eyes. Everyone else stays quiet as they watch me acknowledge the boy. His sister watches the closest of all, but her silence tells me she doesn't disagree with me involving him in this manner. He is still a wolf, after all, despite the shock of his phasing.

"Can you handle this responsibility?" I ask.

"Yes, Sam." His voice is still higher-pitched than the rest of us, sans Leah, but I can tell he's doing everything in his power to remain calm.

I look him over once again to show this is a serious decision on my part to him: "Good."

We return to an unsteady normal, as much as possible when I can tell the pack is not unconvinced the leech won't try to attack another person soon. She might intend to give us weeks, but she certainly will attempt to destroy our mental stability before then. I've let it go on for long enough as is. Harry wouldn't have wanted this.

For now, Paul seems to be doing a decent enough job. He reports later in the afternoon that Victoria kept her distance as usual. She keeps scanning the area, I'm sure, and as such, she's bound to notice the additional two members in our pack. I wonder if she knows her presence will only keep awakening the genes of the youth in our land. If she takes too long, she'll be significantly outnumbered. Fancy-dander predicting powers aside, it'll be a game of statistics soon enough. That's why I figure she'll try something again soon. Hopefully, she knows I'd rather skin myself than try to bring the Cullens back. Maybe that will piss her off enough to make a careless error.

I train with Jared and Embry for a few more hours until I decide they've made an inch of progress in their fighting technique. I only let them go because I know there's likely schoolwork or sleep to catch up on. Leah's comment about Bella's high school graduation still weighs on me.

I know someone has been to my house as soon as I approach. There's disrupted gravel and a smell that I know isn't mine. I focus a little harder and realize the scent is Leah Clearwater. Of course. The potency of it tells me she's been here maybe hours ago. Fucking around doing who knows what probably.

But as I approach my front doorstep, I see a white envelope on the ground. It may be a dumb idea, but since my abilities give me an extra sense of protection, I don't see why I shouldn't open it even if it's laced with anthrax.

It's a black and white image. There's no denying what it's depicting. A small forming body. A human-shaped head. I can even see a nose. It's real, an ultrasound picture. Obvious even if I can't recall seeing one in the flesh before.

A bolt of lightning goes through me. I almost drop to my knees.

There's no breath in my lungs. I don't notice until they start to scream at me. But I can't do anything but stare. There's a life there that I had a hand in creating. What is air worth to me when this new, precious thing deserves all of my resources?

I drag my thumb across the glossy images. There's a lot of numbers written on the sides that I don't understand. I can see Bella's name as the patient and 15 weeks, 3 days written in the corner. 15 weeks.

What are babies capable of at 15 weeks? Hearing sounds outside, dreaming? The possibilities run through me. Regardless of any capabilities now, this picture is going to grow up to be a real person capable of everything I am. An ache inside me reminds me of my hope that maybe not everything will happen to my child. Maybe he can remain human for life. Maybe he and his mother will be safe, even if I have to lie down my life for that to happen. And I would.

Strangely, I feel the urge to flip the image over. Bella's handwriting is scribbled on the back. I know instinctively that it's her. The scent of her mixed with sharpie tingles my nose but I still breathe it in as much as I can. Anything to get a millimeter closer.

 

 

 

 

 

Everything looks normal. Thought you might want to know - Bella

 

 

 

 

 

My feet are out in front of me before I think it.

I have to see her. I need to see her. I have to tell her something, anything about how I feel. She doesn't deserve to doubt for a second I won't be there for her.

I want this child. I want it with her. It can only be her. No one else. I see that now. I haven't felt this level of certainty since I first locked eyes with her. I wanted to fight it so badly then for Emily. Emily who? She's long gone. It's Bella. It's always been Bella.

It's a fifteen-minute drive into Forks from La Push. It's about the same time running at full force, much less in wolf form of course. But I'm not allowing myself to go at maximum speed. I'm holding this previous image in my hand and I won't let it get bent. It's a battle between my mind and my heart to not lose my body entirely in my pursuit of getting to her.

I didn't go nearly as fast when I was bringing her that drugstore pregnancy test. I was on autopilot then, incapable of considering any consequences, only knowing what had to be done. The whole conversation is a blur to me now. My panic attack afterward? Nothing compared to the excitement of talking to her now. Speaking my feelings into existence.

My heart threatens to punch a hole through my ribs as soon as I'm within eyesight of her house. I feel through the imprint that she's inside. That soft glow I know now is fuller to what I imagine is because of the pregnancy. I feel her and our child's energy reach across the street. I am so close to reaching right back. I will reach back, for them.

But dread hits me harshly across the chest. Something is wrong here. I know it immediately.

The Swans' white house seems to distort in front of me as I get close. Some green, sickly hue takes over my vision. A pale, blond creature exits the house and gently closes the door behind her. No Bella insight.

My fists clench.

She's not human. I know that from her perfect features, deathly smell, and freakish amber eyes. But she's mastered the art of displaying human emotions. I can see that clearly as she looks down at me with annoyance and condensation. Much like an elder on the reservation might if they've been forced to spend every minute of their lives awake and unsatiated.

Then she narrows in on the picture I'm clutching in my right hand and huffs loudly, rolling her eyes at me dramatically.

"Of course, someone like you is the father."

I straighten up immediately, not liking her tone at me one bit. If she sees my expression grow harsh, she doesn't comment. She's yet to learn to be afraid of my kind, I deduce. I've got all the incentive in the world to make that very clear.

"What are you doing here?" I nearly growl.

Finally, her eyes take on another look. This time, somber and far away. My abdominal muscles clench and I can feel my heart race.

I don't know how I know, but I know it's bad. We both look up at the Swan house, but my imprint can't be seen through the windows. Everything in me goes hazy; I'm on the edge of panic, but I won't show it. I need to see her right now.

The vampire's honeyed voice conveys a level of terror I haven't heard before.

"Bella remembered."

 

 

 

 

 

"Remembered what?"

Notes:

I'm back and so is Rosalie!!!!

Man has it been a struggle to get through school this past month and a half. I definitely feel like this chapter isn't my best, but I really wanted to put it out! The second half is gonna be super crazy but hopefully fun! Gotta try to expand on the Twilight lore, amiright? Anyway, I can't promise super regular updates when the second semester comes around, but I am super eager to write the remaining chapters before I graduate in May!

And I hope any readers from America had a good Thanksgiving!

Chapter 22: Bella Part Eleven

Summary:

"I cannot be awake, for nothing looks to me as it did before, or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep." ― Walt Whitman

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The mirror in my bedroom still doesn't show me any significant changes to my body.

I don't know why I expected my stomach to suddenly stick out more in the night, but the realization I still look barely pregnant irks me for some reason. My breasts do feel larger and sorer now that I'm paying attention to them. I palm at my belly and wonder if I'm failing as a mother already.

It takes me ten minutes of fiddling with my clothes before I can work up the nerve to go downstairs to make breakfast. I realize that my appetite is already getting a bit better than it has been this semester. I don't know anything about morning sickness really.

I try to make coffee and eggs with my back turned, but my police chief father is too good at detecting shifts in a person's mood. I'm all nerves today. A bundle of hysteria actually.

"You alright, kiddo?" Charlie asks with one of his bushy eyebrows raised.

"Yup," I say, keeping my voice level. Everything is cool.

"Well," he muses. "Alright. Suppose you're staying here for your week off? Or are you working?"

"I work tomorrow," I rush out and then shift my weight on my left foot on the kitchen floor. "Maybe, I'll, uh, do something fun today."

"Fun? Doesn't' sound like you, Bells," Charlie laughs.

"You're right," I smile awkwardly. "Have a good day, Dad."

"Yep. You too."

I text Jessica because I can't just panic by myself anymore.

I need to talk to you...its an emergency

Whats up?

Can I come over?

Sure Angela is here 2 is that OK?

 

 

 

 

 

"I think I'm pregnant," I tell them both, holding my arms tight across my chest. Jessica's room feels much smaller than it did when I went over last. The night of the New Year's party. The very thing that got me here today.

'Think' is quite the optimal word here. If Sam is certain I am, then there's no reason to doubt it at all.

I look at them in their eyes for only a moment before I tear away from their gaze. It's enough to see their shock. Wide, alarmed eyes.

"Uhhhh," Jessica makes a sound, unable to string together a sentence.

"Are you sure, Bella?" Angela asks with her soft voice.

I nod.

They both continue to stare at me. I realize this is probably the last thing either of them has expected from me. I've never mentioned another person I've been interested in after Edward. And Sam is far too difficult to explain right now. Still, the recklessness of getting pregnant

"I think I need to see a doctor," I admit. "But I don't wanna go to the hospital here..." I leave it unspoken as to why that is.

Angela looks at Jessica who continues to keep her mouth open. I appreciate Angela's slow

"We can take you to Port Angeles. They have plenty of doctors there. How about that?" Angela suggests.

"That would be great, thank you," I tell her, already feeling my eyes start to gloss over a little bit. I really, really don't want to cry in front of either of them.

"I'll drive," Jessica finally speaks up. "Grab your things, Ang."

The taller girl nods and moves to gather a bunch of stuff in her purse. She's the first one down the stairs as she looks back at us nervously. Jessica pulls me to the side by clutching onto my forearm. I look down at her in surprise.

"There's a place I know there that will help," Jessica whispers to me. "Don't tell Angela, you know how religious she is about this stuff. But it's all gonna be okay, Bella."

The sinking feeling in my stomach as she tells me this doesn't quite register.

 

 

 

 

 

We don't say much on the drive. Jessica plays music as a distraction, but it only makes things worse. When we're close to the center of the city, she pulls into the parking lot of a diner that specializes in burgers and shakes. It actually sounds pretty good right now.

"I think we should give Bella privacy for her appointment," Jessica announces, not really talking to either of us. "We'll wait here for you, okay?"

With Angela again at a distance, Jessica tells me how to walk there on my own.

 

 

 

 

 

There are so many young girls in the waiting room here. Some alone, some with partners, some with who I guess to be their moms. I think of Renee and know exactly how she'd want me to respond. The thought only makes my stomach grow sourer.

The receptionist makes me consume an entire bottle of water before I can go back to see anyone.

"You are pregnant," the woman who examines me announces. I feel guilty for being too nervous to remember her name. I press my nails into the palm of my hand, not enough to bleed, just to feel something. "I'd recommend an ultrasound scan to figure out a gestation timeline and then to talk through your next options."

She warns me of the cold jelly going on my stomach, but I still cringe when it's applied. She brings a strange device to my slightly thick belly and watches the screen with only an unperturbed expression.

And what's displayed on the machine shatters me. It's a baby. The shape of a real, alive baby. And I see it move. It wiggles inside of me but I can't feel it.

I can hear a 'tsking' sound come from the technician, but I don't stare at her. I can't move my eyes away from the screen. The realness of everything hits me again, a thousand times stronger. A million things go through my mind. All relating to how this small, living creature is doing. Is it okay? Am I doing anything wrong? Will it grow up to be strong? Will it love me as I do it?

And then I cry. I absolutely sob. My whole body shakes uncontrollably.

"There, there," the technician puts a hand on my shoulder as if she's comforted hundreds of women before. "You're a bit further along than most here, but there's still time to make a decision."

I shake my head, flinging tears in different directions.

She passes me a tissue but I only clutch it to my chest as the sobs continue to go through me. I'm grateful that the doctor's chair is padded with comfortable material or I might be bruising my back with how much I'm shaking through my cries.

"It's mine," is all I can manage to whimper out. It's mine. It's incredible. It's more than I ever imagined. It's a whole person. All I can think of is that I couldn't have had this future with Edward. It destroys me further that I wouldn't have known I even wanted this.

The technician furrows her brows at me, "Are you intending to keep the child?"

"Yes," I cry.

"Oh," she straightens up. "Well, in that case, would you like to do a full examination? Measure baby's vitals and pinpoint a due date?"

I nod.

It's hard to keep track of exactly what she tells me, especially as I keep struggling to keep my tear ducts in line. For some reason, pregnancies are not calculated on the date of conception, but two weeks before. There's too much medical stuff to understand. Oddly, I think of Carlisle and how he might explain things much better. Of course, it'd be awfully awkward to have that conversation with him.

One thing that the technician keeps instilling in me is the need for proper nutrition. Something I've never been particularly good at. There are over-the-counter prenatal vitamins I will need to pick up right away.

All of it still feels so overwhelming.

"Should I be this small?" my voice wobbles. I press my hands around the tiny bump sitting on my stomach. The baby inside seems so large compared to what I look like. I wonder if there's enough room. The thought of stifling my child already has me on the edge of another breakdown.

The technician turns to me and smiles, "Sure, it's perfectly normal. You're clearly very thin already and it's your first pregnancy. It can take a while for things to develop. You'll probably see a lot more growth in the next five weeks at the halfway mark."

She gives me something to wipe off the jelly on me and move my shirt back down. It feels much better to not be so exposed.

"I'd recommend letting the father know as soon as possible," she tells me.

"He knows," I rush out. On cue, my cheeks begin to burn.

The woman smiles, "Would you like two ultrasound pictures then?"

 

 

 

 

 

The walk back to the diner where Jessica and Angela stay also feels like a still right out of a movie. I look at one of the baby's pictures as I walk. My face is frozen in shock, but if it weren't, there might be a slight smile on my lips. I put the picture back in my pocket with the other as I open the restaurant doors.

They both immediately stand up when they see me.

"Everything's healthy," I tell them, fingering a strand of hair on my shoulder. Eye contact with them still feels like too much.

I can tell they're waiting for more information, but everything being so fresh in my head prevents me from focusing on any of the concrete details. I only know one thing relating to my current state.

"I'm kind of hungry," I laugh awkwardly.

"I'll get you something," Angela announces without missing a beat. I smile at her, grateful for her eagerness to be kind to me. I think maybe I judged them both too harshly when I first moved to Forks.

Jessica watches Angela until she reaches the counter. Then she turns to me with a wild look in her eyes.

"When's your next appointment, for, you know?" she asks, worrying her lip. She looks distressed in a way I wonder whether she's experienced a scare herself before. It would explain why she knew of this place right away. But it's not my place to judge and I honestly don't.

"I'm going to keep it."

"But do you really want it?" Jessica's voice grows low. She keeps flicking her eyes back at me, a pretty obvious sign she isn't sure about saying what she thinks. Not a usual state for Jess. I'm pretty sure I know what she's going to say anyway.

"Because there are other options."

I shake my head, "I don't want any of those."

She huffs a little and throws her auburn hair behind her shoulder. I can see the frustration growing between her brows. "Okay, but what about your future?"

Angela is still out of earshot, but the way Jessica keeps her voice soft tells me she's very afraid of being judged for suggesting this at all. But she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know what the images on the ultrasound showed me. She doesn't know the man half responsible who somehow still reduces me to nothing more than a burning mess.

"Jessica," I take a deep breath, "a few months ago I didn't care if I lived or died. This is my future. I want this."

More than anything.

She stands up a bit straighter, eyebrows fully furrowed now. "I didn't know it was that bad."

I shrug. It is still uncomfortable to talk about.

"Suppose driving off on a motorcycle with a complete stranger was a clear sign…" Jessica laments. My guilt from that night suddenly comes roaring back. It was an extremely cruel thing to do to her.

But there isn't any time to offer another apology. Angela comes back with trays of food and my rumbling stomach doesn't allow for much conversation until I've scarfed down two handfuls of fries. Interesting that I never remembered grease tasting this good. If pregnancy makes everything taste much better, maybe it won't be so scary after all.

I decide to pull out one of the ultrasound pictures currently burning a hole in my pocket. They squeeze together to look at it closer. Jessica then plucks it out of my hand quickly and brings it close to her face.

"Holy crap, that's a human head," Jessica exclaims. "Like with a nose and all that!"

Jessica passes the image to Angela who has a less dramatic reaction. She smiles down at me, "I think it's lovely, Bella."

"Thanks," I reply sheepishly.

I turn the conversation to something else or I might actually die of embarrassment after all.

 

 

 

 

 

On our ride back, I can tell Jessica is itching to say something else. I see her fingers tap on the steering while she maneuvers the vehicle. I play a game in my head to see how long it takes her to break. Twenty minutes. Angela seems ignorant to it, or else she doesn't comment on Jessica's anxiety.

"So, you know I have to ask. Who's the dad?"

Crap, I should have seen this question coming. My whole body ignites, "Someone from La Push."

Jessica gives me a very pointed look.

"Not Jake," I hiss out a little too harshly. "You haven't met him."

"Well, I'm gonna have to if he knocked you up."

Angela sighs, "Jess, maybe we shouldn't pressure her on it. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you, Bella."

Stressful and terrifying and somehow amazing.

"Thank you, both," I tell them sincerely. "I really mean it."

"Of course," Angela says. She reaches over from the back of Jessica's car and squeezes my shoulder.

I hug them both tightly when they drop me off and we promise to see each other soon. For now, they're sworn to secrecy to not reveal my secret until I can figure out how to tell anyone else. Which doesn't seem like something I can do soon at all. There's really only one person I should be talking to, but the thought of him paralyzes me still.

 

 

 

 

 

My remaining week of spring break is uneventful. I manage to bring my nerves down around Charlie for now. If Mike and his mom notice anything off at work, they don't mention it. I'm close to asking for an increase in hours when I remember that won't happen until I graduate. The need to put together significant funds for the baby weighs on me heavily.

Charlie is again gone on my second-to-last day of break. The morning is almost peaceful as I make myself a cup of tea. Something I rarely ever do. The spring weather could be characterized as tranquil, except for the pollen that seems to irritate everyone's sinuses, of course.

A harsh knocking echoes through the house. I don't remember ever hearing someone knock like this before. Even if I can only recall Sam coming by once, I know I'd recognize his pattern from anywhere.

I finger my hair in an attempt to tame it before I see who might be wanting to talk this morning.

It's Leah.

My cheeks turn upward without me controlling them.

She barges into my house without asking for proper entry but I don't mind. Her tank top and shorts are dirty as always, but I'm grateful she doesn't comment on it. She could probably care less what I wear despite my new condition making it so my wardrobe needs much more attention these days.

I feel myself growing hot and she looks at me up and down. Crap, maybe she wanted me to text her or something. I should apologize or something. But when I go to open my mouth, she interjects swiftly.

"I tried to put off seeing you for as long as I could," Leah almost rolls her eyes in a gesture I instinctively understand to be her attempt at avoiding any compassionate tone to her voice. "But I gotta make sure you're still alive and not threatening to off yourself or something."

She looks down at my middle as she speaks.

"You know," I realize. I instinctively cross my arms over my chest as the shame floods to my face. She doesn't look terribly angry at me, however. But I'm going to have to deal with people's bad reactions whether I like it or not. I think of Charlie and cringe. "Did Sam tell you?"

"I forced it out of him," she admits without any obvious judgment.

"Who else knows?" I ask. I try to keep my voice from shaking.

"No one else. I wouldn't do that to you. And Sam doesn't seem too keen on letting anyone else know."

"H-how is he?" I ask, chewing on my lip.

"A mess," Leah says.

I instantly reconnect with her gaze and she narrows her eyes at me. Hundreds of butterflies swarm through my belly. My hand flies to its natural place there. It's a weird feeling, recognizing this child is literally half him and therefore a part of me wherever I got for the next many weeks. I can't forget him, even if I wanted to. I don't.

"Should I do something?"

Leah scoffs, "Let him get over it."

Get over it how, I wonder. Children are kind of a permanent deal. Well, maybe less so for men. It's one of the misogynistic things society still grapples with. Mothers are left with the brunt of childbearing responsibilities. Still, I don't want to force anything on Sam. I care too much about him to put him in an uncomfortable place.

"What if he doesn't want to see me anyway?" I voice a fear that has crept up on me all week.

Leah looks at me completely emotionless for a long moment. I almost wither underneath her stare. Then she lets out a huge groan, "You people are impossible."

It doesn't seem entirely false.

"Well, you're alive so I guess I'll head out," she says.

"You can stay," I rush out to tell her. I really wouldn't mind her company. I might actually prefer it, in fact. There are too many things to tell her. I wonder vaguely if I should apologize for having a baby with her former boyfriend. "You're welcome here anytime."

She shakes her head, "I think Sam's going to call a meeting soon anyway. Maybe he'll finally get his shit together."

I walk with her back to the front door until an idea strikes me across the face. I'm hot all over again.

"Wait," I tell her.

She pauses, twisting back around with her hand still on the front door.

I think of the second ultrasound picture. I think of what he might want to know. I think, I hope, maybe this will tell him that I do want to talk to him, to see him again. That I'm not upset anymore, if I ever was.

"Could you drop something off at his house for me?"

 

 

 

 

 

I pace around in my room, bored and fidgety. Normally, I might read a book on days like these. The constant thoughts of the baby and its needs prevent me from really settling down. Still, I think the technician recommended avoiding unnecessary stressors so maybe reading is the best course of action.

There's the book Charlie got me for Christmas that I haven't touched since. Gone with the Wind.

I remember the passage that ignited a desire within me when I read it. Only now do I realize what that was and who it centered around. No wonder I called him to come to the party with me and Jessica.

Well, since that book got me into this situation, it wouldn't be the most ridiculous to revisit it and maybe think of Sam once again.

But something is off. Something is different about the words that I remember. Rhett didn't lead Scarlett lovingly into their bedroom that night of their fight. It wasn't love at all.

Something in my mind snaps.

 

 

 

 

 

Edward's in my room.

I stop breathing.

Only for a second do I think he's real. It's the longest second of my life. I realize soon after that I'm hallucinating him once again. A painful realization. I thought I was past this. All of my progress, all of the hope into my new baby, into Sam, and my weak mind tells me it's all been for nothing.

Tears prick at my eyes as I'm reminded once again that he was real and stunningly gorgeous. The light reflects in his hair, a great golden hue with silvers of rainbows hidden inside. His jaw is more sculpted than those famous Greek statues. He stands perfectly still like one too. I recognize now that his otherworldly beauty is terrifying. Maybe this is what I'd been feeling along. Just terror.

"Bella, please sit down," he says with his voice in that uncompromising tone. The feeling inside me grows worse.

I swallow.

He's not standing facing me. I look over to see what he's looking out. There's nothing there. An itch of curiosity crawls up my spine. I move towards him, stepping very slowly on my floor as I keep a protective hand over my stomach. Each inch forward directly sucks more and more stability out of me. I face him now, but his gaze still doesn't seem to be looking at me.

"What is this about?" I ask.

The words come out of me. I clamp a hand over my mouth. What's going on? Why did I say that?

"Please," he groans.

I don't control it. I sit down on his couch. Is this real? There's no couch in my room. I'm certain of that. Or maybe, not certain but relatively sure. I can't be certain of anything anymore.

My head spins. I clutch my forehead and try to take some of the pain out into my hands. It doesn't work. My vision grows murkier. My bedroom disappears. It morphs into Edward's room, still full of life, books, CDs, from before they left. I've tried not to think of this room for months.

It's only then I realize I'm not hallucinating. I'm in a memory.

Alice and Jasper enter Edward's bedroom not a moment later. She smooths out her ruffled skirt and skips over to me. Jasper's nose and chin tilt away from me like always, desperate to avoid taking in my humanity. My weak flesh and blood that calls out to a vampire. James' scar grows even colder as I rub it.

"Hi, Bella!" Alice sings as she and Jasper walk into Edward's bedroom. Something isn't right. I can barely give them a soft smile.

"Edward says you've been experiencing some anxiety," Jasper chokes out the words.

Immediately, I turn to look at my boyfriend who refuses to look directly at me now. He's refusing to breathe. I can recognize that by now. It's to make smelling my blood less painful. He does this when he knows something more painful is coming.

I look back and forth between all three of them. Their faces are deadly serious. Golden eyes unblinking. Only Alice smiles at me down at me with the rest of her features passive. My stomach churns.

"I don't think-" I start to say.

"About your birthday party, silly," Alice says with the utmost certainty.

"Really, I don't want a party."

And I don't want to get older. All of them know this. Alice has been the most supportive of my transition. I don't see what anxiety or birthday parties have to do with any of this. They stare at me like they know something I don't.

A strange surge of energy comes over me. I'm up on my two feet about to walk out of Edward's room when he finally touches my shoulder and glances down at me. Eyes sorrowful like always. His touch is ice that reaches my bones.

"Do you trust me, Bella?" he asks.

"Of course," I stammer out weakly.

He removes himself from looking into my eyes. Only my nose, my mouth, my neck. I feel bare. I want to share with him the intimacy that only people in love feel. I want it to be real between us.

"Then please stay."

The three of them wait for an answer. I know in my gut there's only one they'll accept.

"Okay," I whisper.

 

 

 

 

 

"You can do it now," I hear Alice whisper to Edward.

He looks over at me painfully. His perfect face shouldn't be marked by such a negative emotion. I want to wrap my arms around him.

And then suddenly I feel it. A scent meant to draw me in. Meant to completely overwhelm me. I'm overwhelmed instantly. I don't just want to wrap my arms around him now; I want to devour him entirely. I want him to devour me.

"Wow," I say.

I lick my lips wondering if I can taste it in the air. I can.

"Wow," I repeat.

It wouldn't be right to call this scent the sweetest I've ever experienced. It's not cloying or tooth-aching. It is instead a soft freshness that makes me feel I'm walking on literal clouds.

Edward is the most perfect being in the entire world. Why haven't I been able to sense him this way before? He shouldn't have hidden this from me. Vaguely, I wonder if this is how I appear to him.

"I love you, Bella," Edward murmurs against my ear. So soft, so perfect.

"I love you," I beam at him.

In the corner of my eye, Alice shifts her gaze to Jasper, "We can begin."

 

 

 

 

 

"Bella," Jasper's pained voice seeps into my ear, "you're going to feel very happy now."

"I do feel very happy," I laugh. No one else laughs with me.

I tug on Edward's shirt. I want him closer. He's just as immobile as ever. Annoying as ever. Edward's attentions are instead focused on Jasper, whose pained face is only growing worse. I look between them all to try to figure out what is going on.

"You're doing well, Jazz," Alice coos at her husband.

I'd squint at them harder, try to understand their unspoken dynamic always lurking in the background, but all I can do is smile. My cheeks begin to hurt. I don't like this feeling.

"Now you are going to feel calm and content," Jasper whispers.

I nod at him.

There's no reason not to feel calm and content, right?

 

 

 

 

 

"Tell us the memory," my boyfriend orders, "of the time at the party."

Instead, I immediately feel wrong. I feel like I want to pull away. Edward's eyes are too intense. The usual golden color has darkened into an abyss.

"Edward, go slow," Alice chastises. She smiles back at me like everything is okay. I want to believe her, but the thudding in my chest still registers as something being off.

"Stay calm," Jasper says.

I try to shake off the cold, invisible hug that begins to surround me. I look down and realize Alice's hands are surrounding my own. I couldn't budge an inch even if I tried. I frown at her. Calm, but confused. Calm and still wanting to leave.

"Bella," her sing-songy voice calls my name, "think back to the time where you were alone and hurt and could have used Edward. Yes, you remember. When you were thirteen."

 

 

 

 

 

Blaring music makes its way right into my head. Horribly electronic garbled sounds that feel like my eardrums are a chalkboard being scraped on.

Why am I here?

I remember fighting with Renee. I remember following the lights. They were loud and obnoxious but nothing compared to the music. I remember wanting to leave as soon as I entered the house and feeling a hand on my arm preventing me from leaving. I remember an older boy's hand. There are horribly groaning sounds now. Sounds coming from me.

Alice releases my hands and I desperately clutch at my ears to make the sound go away. I feel tiny scratches stingy on the side of my head

"This is not a good idea," Jasper seethes through his teeth. He tries to tug Alice away, but she is immobile.

How can I hear them when I'm in two worlds at once? Three, maybe. The music doesn't stop. The memory is even more claustrophobic.

"It's all going to work out, I've seen it," she responds firmly.

My hands are in hers again. I try to pull them out, but Alice doesn't acknowledge my fighting. I need to get the sound out of my head. That's all I know. All I know is that I don't want to be in this memory anymore.

A sudden flash to the face of a strange, Arizona high school boy comes into my mind. He pulls on my hands just like Alice does. I know I didn't want to go with him into that room. Why did I have to go into that room?

I feel almost like throwing up.

"Tell us," Alice suggests instead.

 

 

 

 

 

"You must think of the pain, Bella. I know you don't want to, but it's really important you do," Alice says.

I feel the hot wetness streaming down my cheeks. My hands are suddenly too heavy to raise to wipe away my tears.

"Why are you doing this?" I whisper.

There isn't an answer.

 

 

 

 

 

"Stay calm," Jasper repeats.

A brace goes around my body and my mind thrashes against the restraints. I remember a thousand feathers floating through the air of the cramped house bedroom as I thrash against the pillows.

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm here now," Edward coos into my ear. "I'll always be with you."

 

 

 

 

 

The memory rewrites itself.

 

 

 

 

 

Thirteen-year-old Bella is rescued from the party. There are no more older boys with evil intentions. Edward Cullen's beautiful body, sparkling under the flashing lights somehow singles me out in the crowd.

I know he's an angel right away. His pained but perfect eyes suck me in. I know I'll follow him anywhere.

He leads me outside in the Phoenix night, holds me as I shiver despite the sweltering heat. He presses his lips to my cheek, then to my forehead. And then to my neck.

I look into his obsidian eyes for many long moments. I imagine him telling me he loves me. That I am the one for him. He tells me this as he pushes my head to one side, exposing the flesh on my neck. Then I feel the prick of his teeth enter me. Then I feel it burn.

 

 

 

 

 

I think I die.

 

 

 

 

 

In Edward's room, everything goes very, very cold. The three vampires are too close to me. The smell I sense from Edward has grown even stronger.

I blink up at him.

I'm not sure what I'm not remembering now. Does it matter? I don't know. Should I care?

I can only feel how still my body goes. Maybe they're changing me after all.

 

 

 

 

 

"I can't do this any longer," Edward growls. "I can't see her like this."

"Yes, Edward. Go hunt for now," Alice says without even sounding like she's directly talking to him.

Then he's gone.

I know because the delicious smell he carried with him leaves the room. My stomach lurches in its absence. My knees press up into my chest in an attempt to make the hollowness leave. All I feel is more darkness and confusion. I want him back, why did he have to leave?

What has been going on?

"This was not the right thing to do," Jasper presses. "What if she does not recover?"

"It's going to make her more receptive to him when he comes back, Jazz. He might think he'll stay away for now, but I know he's going to return to her," Alice answers.

Return? Why would he leave?

I can't move, but I can feel the tears never ending.

 

 

 

 

 

"Bella," Alice sings my name. "Can you hear me?

Her voice is a thousand wind chimes now. More melodies than I've ever heard. If I focus enough, I know I could listen for decades. Like a churchgoer desperate to commune with God. A deity always just out of reach.

"Bella," she repeats.

My head buzzes. I can't see anymore. I blink repeatedly but the images don't return to me. There isn't a room anymore. There isn't Edward or Alice or Jasper. All that remains is a whisper of a voice calling me into a void that I know I'll never be able to get out of.

"Forget."

I don't understand what she means. But something deep within my brain agrees with the conditions. I try to fight it as long as I can. I'm too weak, too human. There have been so many emotions passing through me this night that the ability to feel much else is quickly dissipating.

"Forget."

 

 

 

 

 

I did.

 

 

 

 

 

But I remember now.

 

 

 

 

 

Epiphany, sorrow, freedom. Shock, grief, agony, relief.

And pain.

Mostly, just pain.

Any wall holding up reality has dissipated around me. I looked into the truth. Or maybe the truth looked into me. I'm not sure Bella exists anymore. There isn't a version of me that's real. The memory replays in my head, but slowly it fades too until the jumbled images of that night coalesce into one truth: I know why Edward was in my head for so long.

 

 

 

 

 

I might spend hours on the floor. Or minutes. My perception of time disintegrates.

There's knocking on my door again.

I don't want to see Leah or Jessica right now. I don't want to see anyone. Maybe Charlie locked himself out and it would be even worse to come up with an excuse to my current state to him. It wouldn't be a lie to say it's about Edward. Edward and so much worse.

Each step I take to the door doesn't feel like my own. I'm less than a zombie. I crave returning to my bedroom floor. Everything feels heavy and sore. I wonder if the baby inside me is doing alright. But I am so powerless to protect him now.

The door opens without my conscious effort. A blond figure waits.

The most beautiful creature I've ever seen stands in front of me once again. Ethereal, haunting, inhumane. Her beauty isn't like Sam's, who seems connected to the earth itself. She exists in a different plane altogether. Something between heaven and hell. My stomach lurches at the look of a vampire right now. The objective truth of her beauty doesn't change what I now know they are really capable of.

"Hello, Bella," Rosalie says to me.

"What are you doing here?" I gasp for breath, my eyes burning with the hundreds of unshed tears I still have within me. Some still leak through, but it would be pointless to wipe them away and look composed in front of a being who exists as a goddess all the time.

"I know what happened."

Her frown tells me it's true.

"Oh," I cry.

Another piece of me snaps in half. I push my hands into my face in an attempt to protect my crumbling dignity. I'm sure it does no good.

Her pained voice continues, "Alice saw you would remember. There was a large fight within my family upon discovering what they did. I insisted on being the one to see you first."

"Mmm," I rock back and forth on my feet.

"I don't know how to offer a large enough apology. It was cruel and unforgivable."

One of my hands slides out to push the door open to give her space to enter. I don't check to see if she follows me as I make my way onto the green couch once again. It strikes me that months ago I spent so much time on this couch crying over Edward. Perhaps it's my destiny to do it again, even for entirely different reasons.

Rosalie grabs one of the blankets pushed to the side and drapes it over my shoulders. Gently, she rubs my back a little bit. I almost freeze up from her closeness. Does knowing what she does about me suddenly change how she regards me? I know she doesn't like me. I cry more at the thought this is all a ruse.

"I'm not going to make you see Alice or Edward if you don't want to. Carlisle, Emmett, and Esme all agree that what the others did was horrific. There's a fracture in our family now. But I do know everyone is going to wish to apologize to you, deservedly."

I push away from her on the couch so I can stare at her porcelain face.

"What do you mean?" I croak out.

Her frown deepens. I know the meaning.

"They're all coming?"

I can't, I can't see them.

Rosalie looks at me with the greatest look of pity anyone ever has. I cover a hand over my mouth and sob again. She explains to me that there wouldn't have been a way to prevent this outcome.

"Oh God," I try to shake as the burning in my lungs gets worse. "Victoria."

The vampire in front of me doesn't look surprised. "Alice saw that too. We're not going to let her get close to you. Especially considering your current condition."

For the second time this day, someone knows of my baby before I could even tell them. I feel even more flayed than before. Entirely decimated. Rosalie doesn't look at me with condemnation though. She stares at where my hand rests with something akin to concealed awe. It doesn't do any good, I continue to shake as my eyes and throat expel more torturous emotion.

"But, but," I babble as I try to tell her that it's not just me she needs to protect. There's a whole town of people. Family and friends. Instead, the only thing that comes out of me in a croaked voice is one name, "Sam."

Rosalie's eyebrows push together, but only for a single second. She's smart enough to figure out why I might be calling another man's name. A name that feels much more right now. A name that represents a tangible future.

She rests a cold hand on my shoulder that I shudder at, "It'll be alright. You might not believe me, but I have an idea of what you're going through."

I look up at her through watery eyes.

But suddenly her face scrunches up in disgust. I've seen many irritable looks come from her, but this is now different. It's the mark of recognizing a foe. Instinctually, I panic that he's here right now. He didn't listen. He decided to come early anyway. I cannot see him.

"What is that horrible smell of dog coming from outside?" she grits out.

I realize immediately who it actually is. I remember being told how badly vampires smell to the wolves. It must go the other way. Oh, God. I grip onto Rosalie's arm, frozen and rock solid. But I grip on like my life depends on it.

"Please, please don't tell him!" I beg. "Not right now."

She looks at me quizzically, not understanding my meaning. My throat shuts down and I lose the ability to beg anymore. My life flashes before me.

"I won't let anyone hurt you or your baby, Bella," her golden eyes look into mine with a truth stronger than I expected from her. It's enough for me to let go of her and drop my arm to the side. It falls weightless and heavy all at once.

"Stay here, everything is going to be fine."

I hope she's right.

Notes:

Sooooo yeahhhh. This was my plan from the beginning to explain Bella's extreme reaction to Edward leaving, and also to give a reason for them to return that didn't involve cliff diving. I sort of combined the headcanon that being around vampires for so long messed with Bella's head and also Jasper's power making her more susceptible to suggestion.

Here is a more in-depth explanation to what happened for anyone who needs it (sorry for being confusing!): Alice discovered Bella had gone through some trauma at a young age (I didn't want to get into the gory details of it, so it's up to interpretation), and decided Bella shouldn't keep carrying around that memory when it could make her less compliant to things. At this point, Edward was already convinced he needed to leave Bella even before her birthday party (I think this is true in Midnight Sun) and wanted to leave her with protection against her reckless behavior. It doesn't work, of course, as Bella kept doing dangerous things to see him and his hallucination in her head was really cruel to her. She was able to break this trance by being with Sam, due to the imprint, which Alice wouldn't have seen coming and will definitely not be happy about.

Chapter 23: Sam Part Twelve

Summary:

"I feel an army in my fist." ― Friedrich von Schiller

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

With rage and terror crawling up my spine, I barge into the Swan house, pushing the stone-cold leech to the side. I hear her huff behind me, a little surprised I have the strength to move her. But I don't care. Nothing in me burns as much as the desire to see the one who carries my child to make sure she is alright.

Bella sits swaddled by a blanket on the couch, clearly having been crying. Her wide, brown eyes look up at me. Underneath her eyes, the already puffy red skin seems to get only more irritated as she wipes at her face.

"What's wrong?" I say.

She shakes her head.

"What did you do to her?" I turn to the unwelcome visitor hovering behind me.

"I didn't do anything," the blonde vampire snarls.

"It's okay, Sam," Bella says. "Rosalie hasn't done anything."

I don't want to acknowledge Rosalie right now. Sitting next to Bella is the only thing I seem capable of doing at the moment.

My hand instinctively reaches out to her, but the picture I've been holding drops and we both glance downward at it. My breath is stolen once again.

"So you did see it," Bella breathes out a shaky sigh.

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. All of the desperation I had felt minutes ago to tell her I want this baby and will never leave either of them still throbs inside of me, but the panic of the situation prevents me from saying anything. There are a million things to say, the onlooker audience be damned, but my stomach coils in shame. It feels as if anything I say wouldn't be enough.

So I just nod at her.

I can see her eyes cast downward.

Fuck, no. I don't want her thinking I don't want this, that I'm not as invested as she is. I should have studied poetry harder in high school. Maybe I'd know the right words then.

"I'm glad," I finally make myself choke out, "that everything's healthy."

Bella looks back up at me through watery eyes and gives a small smile. I hope she knows that I do mean what I say. That I'll walk to the ends of the earth if it means keeping them happy and healthy.

"Please tell me what happened," I say. "I want to help."

More emotions shift on her face. She looks at the blonde leech still frowning in the corner of her house.

"They're all coming back," she chokes on a sob.

Oh.

Oh.

I think of the single vampire who I watched from a distance while all the others had partners. I think of hearing that he became infatuated with a human girl and the natural disgust that came from that. Most of all, I think of Bella curled up on the forest floor, abandoned and heartbroken, and how one look at her changed my world forever. No, nope. They cannot come back.

I stand back up to face Rosalie and snarl, "Tell them to turn around."

"It isn't my choice," she hisses, then she crosses her arms over her chest. "I hear you're having a vampire problem anyway."

"My pack is more than capable of taking her on," I take another step towards the blonde.

"Really?" she asks devoid of emotion.

My fists instinctively curl, "The more vampires in the area, the more of us will turn. We will chase your little group out."

This time she laughs with meaning. My whole body lurches backward an inch hearing her obvious doubt. Suddenly, I remember what Bella told me right after we faced Victoria outside of the Cullens' house. The mind-reader, the future-teller. Defeating them would be nearly impossible. But I won't not try for her sake.

Bile rises to my throat. I'm forced to swallow it down.

"And yet it's our little group that you ancestors made a pact with," Rosalie states.

"That can be easily undone," I growl. I don't even picture the disappointment Billy might feel towards me if I did this, only the hurt still painfully present on Bella's face. "I don't want him going near her."

"Neither do I," she snarls.

I take a step back from her and look her over more closely from head to toe. She seems to be telling the truth, even if her clearly expensive outfit, made of cashmere and whatever, would generally imply she doesn't care about anything other than herself. Maybe vampires have to play into stereotypes too.

Her gold eyes shift to look over at Bella and she sighs, "I never wanted him to get involved with a human." But then she glances back over at me with another condescending frown. "What's your excuse, dog?"

I laugh because it's easier than exploding. If only you knew, leech.

She flicks golden curls off her shoulder as she stares me down, "I've heard the stories from Carlisle. So many accidental maulings. Your kind is rather impulsive, don't you think?"

I take two large steps near her, ready to pound into her with my balled-up fists. She remains still as a concrete wall. Well, I can easily slam the force of a speeding car into her. My breath hot and heavy has to be hitting her in the face now. She doesn't say anything about it, but my nerves sizzle at the notion that if she's looking for a fight, she's going to get one.

"Are you certain you're really fit to be a father?" she probes.

I glare at her, refusing to raise my voice again. Suppose it doesn't really matter if I'm ready or not. Bella and that baby are mine. Not hers, not fucking Edward Cullen's. They are mine.

I'm almost ready to pounce. I don't want to phase in Bella's house, but if it will get this demon out and protect my imprint, I will do just about anything.

"Rosalie," Bella moans. "Please."

Glancing back at her, I can immediately tell the tension has only worsened her state. Worry sears through me. I know from reading something somewhere that pregnant women need to avoid stress. I swallow and look back at the vampire one more time. It's not worth it.

"Call them off," I repeat.

Rosalie rolls her eyes again, "Not possible. Alice has made it very clear that it's us Victoria is looking for. But you already knew that. Or do you want more people to die?"

"Don't think I haven't put it together," I growl back. "The leech wants to kill Bella in front of you for revenge. She would have been much safer if you stayed the fuck away."

Bella whimpers from the couch. Instinct tells me to go over to her, but I try to keep still.

"You're going to be safe," Rosalie says to her, giving me an evil-side eye as she does so. "No one will let her get near you."

"I'll die to ensure it if I have to," I add. I won't let this vampire outdo me in terms of the effort we're willing to put in for Bella. I don't believe a single soul on this Earth could come close to what I'm willing to do for her.

Her eyes widen considerably.

"So will I," Rosalie calmly states.

We both look at her with our jaws fallen open. I glue mine shut quickly, but Bella begins to silently cry once more. I instantly know what she's feeling: she doesn't want people to die for her. I'd like to tell her that won't happen either, but I can't promise it.

"There's only one thing I've truly wanted in my life," Rosalie looks at us both with finally another emotion besides disdain. She looks at Bella, but not at her face. She looks at Bella's abdomen obscured by Bella's knees still being pressed up to her chest. But I understand the meaning regardless. "So I won't let Victoria take it away from you. At any cost."

At this point, the burning to reach for Bella is too intense to ignore. I sit back down on the couch with her and would definitely have reached for her hand if it wasn't buried underneath the blanket. I pick up the ultrasound picture I left on the edge of Bella's blanket. Again, my thumb traces over the baby currently growing within the woman I care most about. If someone else is willing to die for this miracle, then how can I reasonably argue against that?

"September 23rd," I say. My eyebrows furrow together as the meaning hits me. I swallow as the date suddenly means so much more to me. When did I ever really pay attention to September before recently? Now I know it's both her birthday and the month my child will enter into this world. The thought makes me dizzy. It's April now. I know better than to assume we have a lot of time to prepare. The millions of things babies need run through my head.

Bella smiles softly again, wipes away a tear falling out of the corner of her eye.

"You said she remembered something," I snap my head back up at Rosalie, who immediately glances at Bella, a panicked look growing on her face.

Rosalie presses her lips together.

"Sam," Bella's voice is hoarse. "I will tell you later. I just can't right now, okay?"

I might have fought and insisted I know right now if not for the pain apparent in Bella's eyes. My stomach sinks. Something is going on, but if she's asking for time, I won't deny that. Her physical safety doesn't appear to be threatened, or else I might really demand to know right away. Instead, all I can see is emotional exhaustion. The desire to not make it any worse for her wins out inside of me.

"Alright," I relent.

Rosalie rushes me out of the house with barely enough time to ask when I can see Bella next. She's starting school again the next day and sometimes has to work at some hardware store. I wanted to tell her not to force herself to work, I've got some money saved up, but the lack of time to tell her and also the inkling that Bella won't like being told what to do like this stops me.

I'm haunted by the ghostly look Rosalie gives Bella as she finally closes the door on me.

I might stand there for another two minutes, fists balled up and breathing heavy. I stare at this door I had once worked on so long ago, I stare at the wall paneling and remember accidentally letting a nail pierce right through my skin. I lied to Bella the first time we talked. The memory sours my mood considerably. I don't want to lie anymore.

But given how terrible she just looked, I can't bring myself to make it worse by telling her of the imprint.

The walk home is tortuous. I could phase and run back in minutes, but my mind's too empty to focus on keeping the others out of my thoughts.

I do know where I need to go, however. The Black house looks as decrepit as ever. It matches my mood exactly.

"We've got a problem," I announce to Billy as soon as he lets me into his house. I see Jacob straighten up at my presence, though his usual expression of antipathy is present. He's not going to like to hear what I have to say either. "The Cullens are coming back."

No one says anything for a second, but that isn't long enough. Jacob shoots up from the table, scratching the wooden chair harshly on the ground as he does so. His father winces. I know the look, it's all rage.

"You can't be serious," he bellows. He looks at his father with exasperation. Then he looks back at me to see if I'm joking. "You can't allow that freak to get near her."

I ignore him, if only because the same thoughts with no clear solutions have been running around in my mind. "One is already here."

"Shit," Billy curses. He wheels away from his spot on the table to reveal an elderly, crouched man sitting, half-obscured due to the weak kitchen lights. Old Quil. "There's another issue too, son."

The old man regards us with withered pain and wisdom in his eyes, "My grandson's time is fast approaching."

I lick my lips. My first, horrible, instinct is to feel that an additional member isn't a terrible thing. There's another person to fight off the Cullens if needed, and Victoria for certain. Yet, the pain and confusion that goes into this process severs another piece of me each time I have to see it.

"Alright, we'll set up shifts for the pack to watch him, try to delay it for as long as possible."

"You didn't do that for me," Jacob sneers.

I look at him and for a long time in a while, feel something other than annoyance. One day I'm going to have a child of my own who will demand I learn and improve. My stomach drops remembering Jacob's first phasing. The words scratch my throat, "You're right. I was wrong in my approach towards you. I hope you can accept my apology."

Jacob's eyes almost bulge out of his head in shock. He tries to shake himself back together. I can tell he's suspicious of my words, but it's worth it to say them anyway.

The four of us remain silent. It would be so easy to use this chance to tell them about Bella's condition, but I would be risking a major breakdown from Jacob. And something else tells me I need to at least talk to her about how we want to tell people anyway. My skin bubbles at the notion we will get to make decisions together like this for at least the next eighteen years. Maybe it'll be enough to be adjacent to

I excuse myself from the Black house. The sun finally dips below the horizon and exhaustion seeps into every bone. Only this morning was I explaining to the pack the need to distract Victoria, now our resources will be split further monitoring Quil. At least I can do that part.

At night when it takes me hours to sleep, I dream of many children surrounding me. All with Bella's eyes. For a moment, the happiness of this moment exceeds everything I've felt in the last five years. I want to take them all by the hand and hug them, and be with their mother forever. But Edward Cullen appears and he stills my children away. I wake up covered in sweat, a rage that takes fifteen minutes to calm down from.

But that same rage is repeated when I announce to the pack that the Cullens are coming back, especially with the intent to help protect Bella and kill Victoria.

Everyone yells at once.

"What the fuck!"

"More leeches?"

"Are they for real! We don't need them!"

"We'll kill them all when they get here."

I stop being able to recognize any individual words. The chaos lasts too long and I get easily annoyed these days.

"Silence," I tell them. "We're not going to fight the Cullens right now. What good will that do?"

Paul pipes up, "Easy, it'll make more dead leeches."

"No," I answer. "We would be risking our pack when Victoria is still out there. Does anyone really think we can fight the Cullens without losing one of our own? No? Then we're going to at least listen to what they say. Our odds might be better this way."

"I don't like this," Embry mumbles.

"Neither do I," I respond. "But this is the best plan for now. And listen up, we've got to start watching Quil too."

I explain his upcoming transition and the desire to hold back on it for now. Too many things are happening at once. Jacob and Embry admit that they cut off contact with Quil since he started asking too many questions and that likely exasperated his anger. I don't have it in me to chastise them. Lord knows what that would lead to with Leah around. Instead, I make sure neither of them is left with watching Quil as accidentally seeing those two may make him turn quicker. No one disagrees with my orders.

The others phase and run off into the forest, which seems to only get greener with each passing day. The upcoming summer seems to contradict the internal darkness still within me.

Leah pulls me aside, "Are you sure this is good for her?"

I shake my head, "Something's happened to her, but I don't know what. Regardless, one of them is with her now. Any fighting will just put more stress on her."

She seems to accept that notion.

So all I can do now is wait. It drives me insane. I've gotten used to panicking about Bella. It lives inside of me now. But something else takes hold. Panic about both Bella and the baby. Jared can detect the shift in me. It's been always Jared, with an imprint of his own who has been the most suspicious about how unaffected I've been about Bella. So I put him in the group to watch for Victoria while Seth and I monitor Quil from a distance.

It's late Tuesday afternoon when the phone finally rings. I shoot up from the couch to answer. Thankfully my assumption that she'd most likely call after her classes ended was right. I couldn't bear to miss her again.

"Hi, Sam," Bella's voice whispers into the phone. I'd probably have to strain to hear her if I wasn't who I am. I wonder if she knows the extent of what I'm capable of. I wonder if she'd stick around if she did.

"How are you?" I rush out. I don't even attempt to hide the worry caused by two days of simmering panic. "Is everything okay?"

She laughs, drying, "Okay for now. Rosalie is willing to drop me off at some boundary line if you can pick me up…"

I cut her off, "I'll be there, when?"

It's a mystery how Rosalie Cullen was able to procure a luxury car in the couple of days since I last saw them. She and Bella step out from a Mercedes. While my imprint wears her usual jean and jacket attire, the vampire is once again dressed extravagantly in all white. It does nothing to distract from the scent of death they always release.

Bella and Rosalie talk to each other and I decide not to listen to their conversation out of respect. It probably won't be the last I see of the blond vampire tonight. I'd be too stupid to hope Bella can stay the night, despite what kind of thoughts that elicits from me.

"Ah, look who's finally wearing a shirt," Rosalie mutters, acknowledging me in a condescending tone once again. I'm beginning to realize this might be her personality. Colder than Leah and hopefully less prone to violent outbursts.

I can't help but hug Bella when she gets near. Though there are many layers of clothing between us, the feeling of something round ghosts against my skin where Bella's belly lies. I want nothing more than to run my hand over it to see.

"They're going to be here soon. Tomorrow night," she whispers.

I put my hand on the small of her back and guide her to my vehicle. Looking over at Rosalie from behind my shoulder one last time, I wonder what sort of thoughts are happening behind those piercing yellow eyes. Condemnation, certainly.

"You brought your van," Bella laughs with a strange undercurrent.

"Did you want me to carry you?" I ask, perplexed.

"No," she blushes. "I've just never seen your wolf."

Some strange emotion sears through me as I sit in the driver's side and turn the ignition on. Bella shifts in her seat and I can't help glancing down at her abdomen again. The urge to touch her still burns.

Instead, I say: "You have. In the clearing when the first vampire came."

Her lips form into an 'o' but she doesn't comment. I won't lie and say that doesn't hurt me at least a little. Maybe I do look the scariest being all black. But with being the most savage-looking, maybe I am capable of protecting her the most.

She's been inside my house many times now, but I always feel like it's still not worthy of her. The panicked cleaning I did hours ago again doesn't feel like enough. Bella never comments on any of my possessions. I want nothing more than to let her decorate this house to how she feels fit.

I offer her something to drink, but she declines. I can see the way she shifts her weight back and forth on her feet that she's anxious. So I guide her to my couch, letting her sit on one end instead of crushing her next to me.

"I know I can't ask this of you, but please don't be angry," she says, eyes that refuse to look at mine.

"I won't be angry at you," I say. I mean it. I think Bella could make terrible mistakes in life, but none of them would change how I feel about her. And truthfully, I know her enough to believe she would never do anything evil on purpose.

But I can see shame when it's in front of me. The universe knows I've felt that inside me for so long. She's afraid. Afraid of judgment. I want so desperately to tell her that I won't judge her at all. I've seen her at a pretty low place, surely what she tells me now can't be worse.

"They messed with my mind," Bella admits, her voice a small whisper.

Messed with your mind?

"Why?" I ask. I shake my head, feeling a numbness come on. "How?"

Messed with your mind…of course, they messed with your mind, they're vampires. And yet, I can't stop the sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Something isn't right about what she's saying. My stomach flips, nausea I normally never feel crashes over me. I don't know if I want to know this. I don't think I do at all.

 

 

 

 

 

She tells me. She tells me of garbled memories I can barely understand. But the meaning seeps through. The violation that has been done to her…It's a kind of rage I've never known before.

 

 

 

 

 

"Sam, stop," Bella's voice sings through the air.

I suddenly realize what my body is doing, though I am now completely powerless to stop it. All of me shakes violently, worse than I've ever felt before. I've backed myself into a corner, trying to put as much distance as I can between us. The wall shakes, but Bella approaches anyway. No, no, I need her to leave. She's not safe now. I'm going to destroy something. I am going to annihilate it.

Sam, stop.

Oh, I would if I could. The wolf inside me aches to break through. It aches to sink its teeth in vampire concrete and pull them apart limb by limb. I ache to light them on fire, reduce them to nothing more sand, and still far more than they are worth. And since they aren't here, I'm going to go outside and kill something. It will be practice for when they get here and face their deaths.

"Get out of here," I hiss at her with my eyelids squeezed shut. I don't even know if I can bear to look at her face right now as she sees me teeter on the edge of becoming a monster. Of revealing the monster that always lives inside. "I don't want you to see this."

"No," she states firmly.

My vision swarms, but I feel her hand wrap around mine. It's the only part of my body that instantly stops shaking. It's still too dangerous. I'm not going to risk her while I'm in this state. Not when the desire to break Cullen's marble neck screeches through me. Previous plans be damned, he is going to be personally murdered by me.

But Bella pulls me towards herself, laying my hand flat across her abdomen.

And I feel it.

The soft, round swell, somehow a lot bigger than I anticipated.

I stop breathing. I stop moving altogether.

My hand covers all of her stomach now, but it won't for very long. The swirling of life beneath my fingertips. Its heartbeat is the only thing I can hear as my eardrums slowly stop pounding. My knees buckle. I almost want to collapse in front of her and press my ear into her side. Anything, anything to feel more.

I circle my other hand around her waist and pull her closer to me. A soft yelp from her hardly registers to me. Only the need to claim and defend takes over. But I can't move anymore. I can't do anything. My mind ceases to even run.

Bella reaches up and presses her lips to mine.

If possible, my body would freeze even more. Though the brief contact ignites me, the wrath still simmering beneath

It lasts for only a second, not long enough for me to close my eyes and focus on her soft skin pressing into me. I want more.

I stare down at her, confused.

"It's yours," Bella echoes the words to me said between us a week ago. I feel just as uncertain then that something like this could ever belong to me. Something so small and so perfect. I'm still perplexed by the very idea that the universe deems Bella to belong to me either. But as I face her now, I know it's the other way. I belong to her, to them.

I nod, still transfixed on her growing body.

"Whatever has happened to me, won't change that," she whispers. "And I'd like it if you wanted to be there."

She bits her bottom lip and lets a curtain of her dark hair wash over her face. She's embarrassed.

"I want to be there," my voice scratchy, I try to look at her but my eyes water before I can stop it. I can't fully articulate just how much I want to be there, for both of them. "But what about what happened to you?"

"I'll deal with it," she says, rubbing at her running nose. I focus on her more, has she been crying too? My own cheeks feel damp and my throat hoarse.

"You can talk to me," I whisper, holding her gaze. Anything you need, anything.

She nods.

"I just don't want to see him. The last time I saw him, he said he didn't want me." her voice almost breaks.

I want you, I think. Is this the right moment to say that? I grab ahold of her hand, "Let me be there with you."

She shakes her head, "I don't think he'll allow it. He knows to come to my room at night when no one else but me is there."

Another blast of fury goes through me. I keep myself still so as not to crush her hand. The thoughts of how this despicable being could invade her privacy like that cloud my mind. In order to not break in half, I rub Bella's hand with my thumb, trying to give her a single piece of comfort even if I don't feel it myself.

"Then I'll stay with you at night," I swear. "Every night if needed."

Bella rubs her eyes and sniffles, "I'll have to face him eventually."

"He's going to have to face me eventually," I counter.

She shakes her head, "It's not your responsibility, Sam."

"It is," I nearly growl.

"Rosalie doesn't want him to see me either," she adds. "But they're all coming here for me."

"You still don't have to," I say.

I begin to think of the other two vampires Bella mentioned that aided in her torture. Even with whatever special powers they have, I'll find a way to make them suffer for what they did. While the news from Bella that their own family is ostracizing them is good to hear, it's nowhere near enough.

Bella sways on her feet a bit. I catch her on the arm and hold her steady, feeling her fast heartbeat through her skin. I focus on the baby's heartbeat again too. It's always fast. I wonder if that's normal.

"Are you feeling sick?" I ask, the words tightening in my throat. "Have you felt sick a lot?"

She smiles, "Yeah, I think I threw up a lot. I was really dumb for not figuring it out sooner. But I don't feel nauseous anymore. Just dizzy when I don't eat. I'm actually hungry all the time now."

Bella laughs and it's a glorious sound. It's glorious because there's no hint of pain anymore. There's even a tone that suggests she's not at all upset by the symptoms her condition causes. It's a sound I'd like to hear until my dying breath.

"I can make you something."

I glance over at my kitchen. I'm not an amazing cook by any means, but I know enough recipes to keep myself from starving. And that happens to require quite a large grocery bill. There's plenty to spare for her. Even if there wasn't, I'd happily go hungry.

She blushes and shakes her head, "I'm pretty sure Rosalie wants to put me on a special diet."

"Forget that," I tell her. "Eat what you want."

Still, she refuses, mentions something about just wanting unhealthy food now anyway. I try to think of any fast food places near her, but my mind goes blank. Maybe the La Push Diner? In the end, all I can convince her to do is drink more water. She seems embarrassed enough to do just that in front of me.

"We should talk," I start to ramble, "about plans for the future…"

"Don't you dare offer to marry me," she warns.

I blink. Isn't that the right thing to do?

She laughs without humor, "I mean, I don't even know if you like me." The edge of her voice is frayed with underlying nerves.

"I do like you," I say immediately.

Her cheeks gain color and she turns away, "You know what I mean."

"Bella," I want to reach out and clutch her hand, "if I didn't like you, we wouldn't be in this situation now."

She looks toward the ground and I can hear the nervousness in her voice growing stronger, "You've never kissed me first."

Immediately, I stand up taller. I take a step forward and our chests press together, despite her being at least a foot shorter. She shivers as my warmth extends around her. Sometimes I forget how hot I am, but I definitely don't now.

"Do you want me to?"

Her eyes bat close and her mouth parts open. I realize this isn't a chance I'm willing to give up. Not when she's so close, and asking, and safe, for now. I can feel whatever magic the imprint is comprised of humming around us, beckoning me even closer.

I brush the hair off her cheeks and tilt her head upward to meet me. Her feet press upwards off the ground naturally. My arms snake around her waist until I pull us close enough that our lips finally touch.

I had the intention to start off lightly, but my body isn't paralyzed like it was for the first kiss this night. So I grab her tighter and let my lips claim hers like they were always meant to. Like how the universe itself decided we complete each other in a way I could never have anticipated yet now realize with certainty. I think I have fought so long against the acceptance of this fact, but its truth pierces me right through the chest. I don't know how to let her go.

She moans into my mouth and the sound goes straight to my cock. This isn't the time, I tell myself. But the way her hips grind against mine makes it very difficult for my body to accept that notion.

We kiss until I feel her knees go weak, lending her only an ounce of the strength inside me to lift her an inch off the floor. I'm still careful to not crush the growing life between us. The need for more still beats inside me.

She pulls back from me and I fight to keep the sigh of disappointment inside of me.

"Rosalie's waiting," she whispers.

"Mm," I nod.

I want to tell her that maybe Rosalie can wait a bit longer, but Bella's feet fall back on the ground, forcing me to lessen my hold on her waist.

"Sam," she looks up at me. My name on her puffy lips only makes my body react harder. "Thank you for understanding."

The reminder of her pain cuts through my excited mood. I don't tell her that I don't really understand. That her desire to protect the rest of the Cullens may be honorable, but far from what they deserve. And I especially won't tell her that if I get a chance to kill Edward Cullen, I'm going to take it.

"Please be safe," I tell her instead.

She watches my gaze fall to her stomach and laughs, "Rosalie isn't going to let me out of her sight now that I'm even more fragile."

"Maybe that's a good thing," I sigh, hating to give the vampire any leeway. But I can't protect Bella all the time and also take care of the pack. Quil's situation comes to mind. It seems as if Rosalie cares enough about what happened to not allow the other leeches to hurt my imprint any worse.

Bella just rolls her eyes at me. The way her nose crinkles as she almost smiles makes me want to kiss her again. Maybe she wouldn't be averse to that even, but there's no telling if I'd be able to stop.

I lead her back out to the same place I picked her up from, with Rosalie seemingly not moving an inch the entire time. God, vampires are such freaks. Perhaps a tad hypocritical to say coming from someone like myself, but they are our natural enemy. I can be forgiven in this one instance.

"We still need to talk about, uh, baby things sometime," I tell her as a goodbye.

Her expression turns into a frown, "Let me tell Jake and my dad. You can tell anyone else."

I nod, "There are other things to decide too."

"I know, I just need a minute, for now," she sighs.

Realizing that we've been holding hands since I helped her out of the van again, I sadly have to drop her warmth and let her find her way back to her vampire protector. She looks at me with those large, beautiful eyes and vanishes back inside Rosalie's expensive car.

I let the hot water burn me in the shower at night. My cock still throbs from Bella's touch, but my fists ball together at the thought of Edward Cullen and the others. It makes for an excruciating juxtaposition.

The longer I stand here while the steam burns my eyes, the more I decide that something has to be done for Bella. For justice that she's entitled to. For the monster that left her devastated and broken on the forest floor.

So I try to think, I try to plot and plan in any way I can before the Cullens arrive. Before hell breaks loose even further.

Notes:

So so sorry this took me much longer than anticipated to post! The end of the semester hit me a lot harder than I thought. I had to write a ten page paper sooner than I realized, so that sucked hahahah. Hopefully the kisses in this chapter made up for the wait!!

Wishing everyone a lovely holiday season if I don't update again before Christmas!

Chapter 24: Bella Part Twelve

Summary:

"Shame is a soul eating emotion." ― Carl Gustav Jung

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Rosalie tells me a story of pain and loss.

As soon as the door clicks shut behind Sam, I wish for him to come back. But I know the tiredness seeping into my bones makes me poor company right now. That's why it's surprising Rosalie wants to talk to me at all.

The words that flow from her mouth shift the perspective of my reality all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

I learned about the Great Depression in school. You hear it all of your life, but to hear it from someone who lived it feels as if I am just now hearing of the struggles the people then had to endure. Rosalie was lucky, a well of family, a chance at a stable marriage.

What happened to that? How can something go so wrong?

"What happens is that some people can't be trusted," Rosalie says.

And I know it within me to be true.

To have love shattered, to have your image of the world destroyed. Life was never perfect with Renee, I just didn't imagine it would be so full of people eager to harm others. It's a surprise again when I find that after the initial shock of what they did to me wore off, the original wound isn't fresh. I remember now, I lived with this wound for a while. I can't say I've made my peace with it, certainly not those words, but acceptance is easier than I imagined.

I don't want to think about the men that hurt Rosalie. I'm not sure if she wants to think about it either. She doesn't want to linger on the details.

But she does tell me of afterward. Of lying on the street, battered and close to death. About an angel that she thought would take her to heaven, only to condemn her to a life of living hell. The pain from the venom was so great that you end up reaching a point where screaming is pointless. And then the overwhelming thirst following, something that never entirely goes away.

Rosalie got her revenge. Murder without a taste of their blood. And with it came the subsequent decades of not knowing whether she was right to do so.

"I envy you," Rosalie admits. "You had the choice between being a vampire and a human. None of us had that choice. So I thank you for choosing right."

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the fact that if it wasn't for the baby, I'm still not sure I wouldn't have chosen to be a vampire. Even without Edward, how can I know for certain that I would truly turn down the opportunity for immortality? But my baby is here now, growing, and that's not something I'll ever put in jeopardy.

"I have to tell him," I confess, thinking of Sam.

The strange urge to make sure there are no secrets between us only confuses me more. Sometimes, everything about Sam is confusing. How I feel about him constantly mixes with how I should feel about him. I can't tell what's real.

But he cares about the baby, right? Something in his eyes told me he did. My chest squeezes at the possibility that he actually doesn't. And what if he's too weirded out by my history to want to be there? And if I tell him this, that might make everything worse.

"You're clearly tired right now, Bella. You need to rest," Rosalie answers as if she is the Cullen that can read minds. Maybe humans are just obvious to vampires, however. After crying for a significant part of today, I doubt I look that great.

And the way everything inside me feels so, so heavy makes it impossible to argue. I let Rosalie guide me back down on the couch, falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

When I wake up in the living room, there's a note next to me. Rosalie's cell number. It's all I can make out in the dark.

As soon as I reach for my own phone, the living room light flicks on. I slam my eyelids shut and moan at the intrusion. Charlie's heavy footsteps and the thud of his gear hitting the dining table jolts me awake further.

"Sorry kid, later night than expected. What're you doing on the couch?"

I squint at him, trying to force my vision to focus quicker. But it's not working, so I rub my eyes harshly, flinching at the pain. He slowly comes into view. Slightly unkempt hair and his usual police uniform possessing some wrinkles. I make a mental note to get ahead on laundry.

"Are you okay, Bells? You don't look so great," he says to me.

Charlie's face denotes a concern about me I suddenly feel ashamed I haven't paid much attention to anymore. Is that how he looked at me months ago? Maybe there's something about my face that suggests what I'm thinking about; maybe

"The Cullens are going to come back, Dad," I say, the truth much harder to hold back than I thought.

Well, once slice of it anyway.

I am absolutely not going to tell him about his impending grandfatherhood right now. The thought alone makes me drag the blanket further up my chest. I can literally feel every ounce of weight gain.

"Well," Charlie grunts. He looks around the room, trying to find something to pin his eyes, but can't, so he turns back to me with a sad look. "Shit."

He looks at me with a strange sort of pity. It reminds me then that I was a lot closer to a psychotic break than I realized when he first left. I want to reassure him that won't happen again, but what if I actually can't? I can maybe promise to try to keep it together, at least for Sam, but the words to say that aloud just makes everything too real.

"I'll shoot the kid," he mutters to himself.

"Dad," I groan, "I don't think they're going to stay for very long. Maybe a week or two…"

"That'll be enough time to get a few forty-five cals in him."

I groan at him.

Neither of us wants to talk more on the subject, despite it being very obvious from his expression that he's expecting me to break any second now. I think I do almost collapse under his scrutiny. It isn't hard to excuse myself after the silent dinner between the two of us.

 

 

 

 

 

Rosalie must have also stolen my phone number when I passed out because she messages me early in the morning that she's going to pick me up after school. I groan thinking of how my truck might be staying at the school parking lot after hours.

At school, I feel like I'm walking through water. The thoughts of what happened to me keep flashing through my mind, but again, it's almost a shock to not be entirely devastated by it anymore. Instead, my head only still hurts with the aftereffects of having my memory altered and erased. I keep trying to blink the pain back, hoping my drug-like state isn't obvious to everyone. But if it wasn't when I actually came to school high, I doubt anyone cares now.

The first half of my classes pass by in a breeze. I'm not sure I've paid attention to anything school-related this whole year. It hasn't prevented me from getting close to graduating, thankfully.

I see Jessica and Angela at the end of the hallway. Something else flashes through my mind I didn't get a chance to really think about until now. I rush to catch up with them just as Angela follows Eric around the corner into another classroom.

"Oh hey, Bella! How are you doing?" Jessica asks with her cheery smile that alleviates my brain fog for just a second.

"Good, how are you?" I say as if reading off a script. I mentally cringe at my own voice.

"Doing super!"

Her hair is pulled back with her signature hairband and she looks nice in a pink cardigan. We walk until we reach her locker, where I lower my voice to talk to her: "Jess, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I fiddle with a piece of my hair, "How did you know? About that clinic?"

Jessica looks surprised, and then slightly ashamed. "I've heard plenty of stories of these kinds of things happening to girls. I wanted to be prepared if anything happened to me."

I nod, "I understand."

Maybe I'm beginning to understand more and more of how some women are left behind by their partners, especially after something difficult happens. Despite my still-foggy brain, my mind has surprisingly never felt clearer. I am far from the only person that has ever been hurt by a boyfriend,

"A good move on my part since Mike couldn't figure out how to use a condom to save his life…" she finally grumbles, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh, gross!" I exclaim, the mental images in my head forming immediately. "I didn't need to hear that."

Jessica snorts and elbows me in the shoulder as we walk on.

At the end of the school day, I go outside to look for Rosalie. She picks me up in an extremely fancy car that I don't know the name of. I certainly don't know what the symbols on the back mean. Yet, it is obvious to everyone that someone exceedingly wealthy is back in town. And past experience likely tells them it's the Cullen family.

Crap. I spot Angela and Jessica's shocked faces from across the yard. I try to signal to them that I'll let them know later, but I don't know if they've understood. My facial expressions are always lacking.

I swallow the pit of nervousness in my throat and climb into Rosalie's car. She wears a large set of brown sunglasses and a different all-white outfit. There are more designer symbols on her purse that I can't name.

"How did you get a car already?" I ask, dumbfounded.

She shrugs, "Money gets you pretty far in the human world."

Huh, I think. Well, I suppose that's pretty true. The topic of money reminds me just how little I have for a baby. I should head to the bank soon to double-check the amount. Then there's convincing Mike's mom to let me work more after I graduate. Maybe I can negotiate for a slightly higher wage with a diploma. Too much to do and so little time.

"When did you last see a doctor?" Rosalie asks as if reading my thoughts once again.

"A week ago," I blush.

She nods, "Carlisle might offer to examine you."

"Maybe," I say, "if Sam can see too."

Rosalie looks at me strangely again.

"I want to see him," I confess, feeling my stomach on fire. Even through all the fog going through my mind, I know I've wanted to see Sam. It's the truest thought I've had all day.

"Wait till tomorrow."

"Why?" I ask.

"Trust me."

 

 

 

 

 

Rosalie drives us to Port Angeles. There's a fancy, 'health-forward' grocery store where she makes me enter. Wordlessly, she pushes around a cart and fills it with organic vegetables and low-carb versions of what Charlie and I usually have at home. It gets full pretty soon and I'm half-expecting her to insist on getting another cart.

"I can't bring all of this home!" I exclaim.

"Tell your father that he should be on a better diet anyway," she grumbles.

Guilt squeezes me. She's not wrong. Charlie's preferred diet of steak and potatoes isn't doing wonders for his heart.

I turn away and just let her do what she will.

As she approaches the check-out, we watch the news displayed on one of the giant TVs hung on the wall. I know we must be in a really wealthy section of this town because nothing like this exists in Forks.

But the news isn't good. It never is anyway: constant stories of people dying in house fires or getting robbed in the street. This time, however, there's been a string of murders happening in Seattle. Exceedingly brutal killings. At least twenty bodies found with violent gashes and a surprising lack of blood. I squint looking at the screen. Something is oddly familiar about this.

I've seen many unhappy expressions on Rosalie before. But this one seems to be different. If I could step closer to her, I'm sure I'd see her eyes darken.

She turns to me, lips pursed, "Have these killings been going on for a while?"

"I don't know," I say. "I've been, uh, pretty distracted. But I think so, yeah? Actually, I think there have also been hiker deaths somewhat recently too. Do you think this has to do with Victoria?"

Rosalie's eyes narrow as I whisper the last part. It doesn't take much to put that together.

"Something like that," she states. "Don't think about it much. Stress isn't good for the baby."

She shuts me up pretty easily with that.

 

 

 

 

 

It's not impossible to convince Charlie that we could use healthy groceries. He doesn't like it one bit. And for myself, I find the cravings for greasy food only to be increasing. Rosalie denied that request in a second.

Charlie does know I probably couldn't afford all of this, so I'm forced to admit Rosalie is here before the others. He likes that even less. I'm far less successful in explaining that she's on my side and has never thought that highly of her foster brother.

I ache to be near Sam again. He looked at me so sadly a day ago. I'm not sure if I can ever get him to look at me normally again after this.

 

 

 

 

 

Rosalie finally lets me call him, insisting she'll drive me as far as where the La Push boundary is. She mentioned something about how the treaty is back in effect now that the Cullens are all coming back. My mind is spinning too fast to really focus on the details. I know Sam is going to be angry, I just hope he doesn't hate me for this. And I hope more than anything he'll want to be involved in our baby's life.

 

 

 

 

 

Much like Rosalie's story, I tell Sam what has happened to me. He listens, comprehending slowly and then all at once.

 

 

 

 

 

I kiss him to stop his rage.

It might occur to me later how strange it was not to be afraid of him, but for him. I didn't want him to destroy his home. I didn't want him to break everything without knowing a least a hint of how much I want him.

 

 

 

 

 

"I want to be there." His words ring in my ears as he drives us back to the rendezvous point. And the feeling of his lips still on mine makes me weak all over. Weaker than I normally am regularly.

I cannot believe I was bold enough to do that. Or to ask him to kiss me again. I don't think my knees will ever recover.

It hurts to let go of Sam's hand and leave him all over again. It hurts, even more, to think of Edward coming and disrupting what I'm feeling all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

"What happened?" Rosalie asks, seeing me look back at him as I climb back into her car. I wonder if I look as red as I feel. I can still feel the imprint of Sam pressing against me as we kissed.

"I kissed him," I tell her with a wobbly voice, "and then he kissed me. But I think he wants to kill Edward."

Rosalie shrugs, "There are worse things."

"Then Edward dying?" I gasp at her. A member of her own family, how could she possibly think that?

"No," she almost, almost smiles, "then having someone else wish to protect you from him."

I think I can feel the blush on my cheeks grow worse. If anything, I do think Sam will protect me. And most importantly, our baby. I still remember how it felt to have him touch my stomach and hold me close.

My eyes squeeze. Something hot pulses inside of me as I think of him more. My legs naturally cross while we drive back to my house. I'm not sure I've ever really dwelled on our 'baby-making' activities, except a few times, but if it weren't for needing to go back home, I wouldn't have been able to prevent myself from trying it again. Just for study, of course.

"Oh, crap!" I exclaim, fling myself practically across the seat to get Rosalie's attention. "I didn't even talk to him about Victoria at all."

Rosalie's eyes half roll at me, "That isn't your responsibility."

"What if it is?" I counter. It doesn't come out very convincingly though.

She doesn't answer me.

"I don't want anyone else getting hurt," I say.

"So they won't," Rosalie says. "Don't think about it."

But accidents happen. Harry is an example of that.

I end up thinking of something else, something that I can't hold back from asking Rosalie even if I know I should in order not to disturb the peace between us right now. "Why are you being so nice to me? I thought you hated me."

She almost looks surprised I would ask such a thing.

"I never hated you, Bella. I just thought you were making the wrong decision. But now you have something I've wanted all of my life. I won't let you lose that now."

 

 

 

 

 

Angela and Jess know something is buzzing around me when I go back to school the next day. Jessica correctly deduces it has to do with the 'baby daddy' who she is still aching to meet. But Sam would be very out of place at Forks High. And I'm not sure Jess would have great things to say to him, even if he wouldn't be intimidated by her fiery stance.

The thought that Jake is at least high school age reminds me that I owe him the truth. If not about Sam, then at least about me and my changing future. I miss him, truthfully. I even miss the bikes I gave him to work on, not that I'll ever get to touch them again.

But I owe Sam a heads-up before I do anything, in case it does get out.

"Sam," I sing his name into the phone, unable to even hold back an ounce of how relieved I am to talk to him again.

"Hi," he says and I can almost perfectly picture him smiling, the crinkles around his eyes, and his always candid expressions. I can feel his strong arms wrap around me, pull me up to meet his face since he towers over me so much.

"I'm going to tell Jake soon," I wince. "Before they come."

Neither of us can say what it will be like when they get here. When he gets here. I can barely conceptualize that it will be happening tonight. I nearly pray that I won't have to see him, but I know he'll sneak past all blocks his family will put up. Even though it's been months, I still know him. I don't think I'll ever not know him.

A moment of silence passes, "Alright. We should probably start telling more people anyway."

"Yeah," I try to laugh, awkwardly, "I'm getting pretty fat."

"Bella," he says my name and my stomach flips again.

"I know, I should be gaining a ton of weight," I almost roll my eyes while holding the phone, but I can't keep my voice from still holding a smile.

"You're perfect," he says.

And for just a second, I think my heart collapses from happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

I get Rose to drop me off by the treaty line again. I actually appreciate the walk to Jake's house. It's enough to try to gather my thoughts and prepare what I'm going to say to him. Of course, it all falls apart when I see him in his black shirt, grease stains evident when the sunlight hits just right. His hair looks even shorter now, close to Sam's cropped length. But it doesn't look right on him.

"Hey, Jake," I try to keep my voice upbeat, but I just end up mumbling the words.

His dark eyes narrow at me. He keeps fiddling with a wrench on the gears of his bike without making an effort to stop. I see that my own bike is kept in the corner in his garage, dust accumulating on every ledge. I tell myself that it's for the best, but it still hurts. He doesn't owe me this when I've been such a bad friend.

"I'm sorry I haven't come by to hang out in a while," I look downward and press one foot into the ground. "There's just been a lot going on…"

"I get it," he grumbles.

I'm not convinced he does.

"And with you too…" I look up at him.

Jake shakes his head, "Doesn't matter."

He finally throws the towel he's been using to clean the bikes down on the ground and faces me straight on.

"I just wanted to tell you something," I say, my whole body starting to shake with nerves. "Before anyone else did."

He raises an eyebrow at me and I realize that's all I'm going to get for an invitation to continue. His face is passive but I know that is going to change in a second. I take a deep breath.

"I'm, uh, going to have a baby."

He looks at me, blinking slowly.

Jake then coughs, "What do you mean?"

I cross my arms over my chest, feeling all of me heat up.

"I mean…I'm pregnant."

It's an agonizing minute of silence between us.

"Wow, well, um, wow," he stutters.

"It doesn't have to change anything," I rush out. "Except for, you know, weight gain and less dangerous activities."

He almost smiles at that.

"We can still be friends," I add, hoping with everything in me that he'll agree.

Jake nods slowly, transfixed at my stomach. I wonder vaguely if this is where everyone will stare when talking to me from now on. It probably won't help that I'll be protruding at least a foot outward from here not long from now.

I take the opportunity to really look at him. He seems to be getting even more chiseled than when I last saw him at Harry's funeral. Though he and everyone else did wear a shirt then. He seems so far off from the Jacob I saw months ago. I still miss his long, flowing hair and cheesy smile. Growing up seems to take everything from you.

"Alright," he finally says and relief floods into my limbs.

I take a step towards him, intent on going for a hug, but he suddenly moves back, stopping me in his tracks. A confused look comes over his features.

"Does anyone else know?" he asks. His eyes then narrow further, "Does Sam know?"

"Yeah, of course, Sam knows," I say immediately.

Jacob suddenly snaps, standing up straighter. I can see an angry expression grow across his face. Oh, crap.

"What do you mean 'of course'?" he snarls.

I stake a step back from him, feeling a twig break under me. Jacob follows me, his much longer legs cutting across the ground to reach me quickly. I wilter underneath his fiery gaze. I think I'm going to trip and fall soon. If he notices how clumsy I'm getting, he definitely doesn't comment.

"Bella," his voice grows low. "Tell me you didn't."

"Didn't what?" I whisper, still backing up.

I realize the second mistake I've spoken now. I will my feet to push against the ground quickly, but it's no use. He continues to follow me with his eyes bugged out and his biceps shaking. I know what's coming next. I feel it in my bones.

"Of all fucking people," he growls. "Why the fuck did it have to be him!"

"Jake, please," I beg, throwing my hands up in the air.

I keep glancing behind me to see if I'm going to hit a tree. He might stalk me deep into the woods if he doesn't calm down soon. The thought should scare me, but I still worry more about the rage happening inside of him. I know what that can lead to now. And even though I don't blame Sam for what happened with his mom, it's not impossible for any of the other wolves to do the same. I whimper more.

"God, I can't believe you," he seethes.

"I'm sorry," I cry, seconds away from the tears streaming down my face. I fall to my knees in front of him, putting myself at the mercy of his wrath.

Jacob finally stops and I let out a shaking breath. We're at the edge of the Black property.

He yells and reaches down to pick a large branch off the ground, flinging it in the air meters away from me. My whole body flinches as I follow it flying through the sky until it crashes far away. Turning back to look at Jake, I can see the fury behind his dark eyes grow worse.

"And the things you don't even know about him," he barks. "Oh, I'd tell you if I could. I really would. Then maybe you'd stay away from him."

My mind buzzes as he says this to me.

"I've changed my mind, Bella. We're not going to be friends again. Not ever."

The hatred in his tone leaves no room for interpretation. I don't know how to tell him that what happened with Sam wasn't planned. That I don't fully know where we stand with each other right now. That it shouldn't have any effect on who I'm friends with anyway. But I know he won't hear any of it.

"Okay," I whisper.

Jake lets out another strangled cry and then with a jump, he explodes again into his wolf form. The large, russet creature towers over me. It breathes out heavily through its nose and then it runs off into the woods.

The last stare he gave me conveys the same pain I feel inside me: betrayal.

 

 

 

 

 

Rosalie sees me crying when I make it back to her car. She hands me a tissue, but thankfully doesn't give me a look of pity.

We pull off of the side of the road. I rest my head against the window and watch the trees pass us by. I can't think of anything else besides a pack of wolves running through, hurting each other, and being hurt by something far more sinister.

"We're not going to be friends," I say. My voice wobbles at the admission.

"He's a dog," she finally states.

"Don't call him that," I whisper as I continue to sniffle.

"Then I mean it metaphorically," she rolls her eyes.

"He's gone to attack Sam now," I say. I can't imagine him going anywhere else. The thought of more conflict because of me sickens me again.

She raises a perfect eyebrow at me, "I think Sam can take care of himself."

We drive back to Forks in silence. I can't tear my eyes around from the scenery. It's spring now. So many seasons have passed since they first left, since I first even talked to Sam. The way nature turns, sheds its leaves, hibernates, and then eventually recovers reminds me of myself. Sam can take care of himself, I know that for certain. Maybe, just maybe I can take myself too. And then both of us can take care of the new life growing between us.

Of course, there's still so much worry creeping inside of me. I know what's coming next and I'm not sure if I can handle the next part.

Rosalie flips her phone open when we reach my driveway. When she turns to me, it's to say the words I've been dreading to hear: "They'll be here soon."

My hand naturally falls to my belly. I can feel the swell has gotten bigger in the last week. It brings relief, but then I panic that my ability to hide this from Charlie at least won't last forever. He probably wouldn't take well to me showing up with a newborn one day without prior notice. Still, my changing body shows that my baby is getting stronger and I only want to share this news with Sam. No one else.

"I'll try to prevent him from seeing you," Rosalie adds.

"I know," I respond. I can hear the 'but no promises' she leaves out through the rustling in the trees.

 

 

 

 

 

My room suffocates me for hours as I wait.

I feel the air change and I know.

I know he's here.

If I just turn around, I know what's lurking in the shadows of my room. But I don't want to turn around. I hold in my breath until I start to feel dizzy and then do I slowly look behind my shoulder.

He stands in front of me. And it's something I don't understand. It's like looking at a pebble on the bottom of a glass of water. Or maybe boulders at the bottom of a sea I've never scuba-dived through. It's so blurry, so much water. There's something physical there, only I can't see it beneath the fractured reflections. I can't focus at all. Maybe it's not real at all.

I rub at my eyes.

"Bella," his voice, smooth as silk. I used to beg for this sound. This exact sound. Exact. My name on his lips.

He might step forward. His tousled golden hair even bounces too. It's been so long since I've looked at a man in a real button-up.

"Don't."

My reaction is immediate. I fling myself backward and squeeze my arms around myself. I feel almost feral, the very hairs on the back of my neck telling me this is danger, danger, danger. How did it get like this? When did all the happy memories vanish in the wake of raw instinct?

Edward stops what little movement he makes. His eyes narrow down at my middle.

I squeeze even tighter. I knew he would know when he came, but seeing that he knows here and now feels me with distress.

"I don't know how to say how sorry I am," he admits.

Involuntarily, I swallow the buildup in my mouth. The way he looks at me makes me believe he is trying to say sorry for a myriad of things I don't feel sorry for.

"I'm keeping it," I almost spit out. But my voice can't convey the intensity of what I'm feeling. There's too much wobble, too much pain from the contraction of my throat.

Edward nods, "Rosalie assured me as much."

Then there's nothing more to talk about. There can't be.

"But for what else happened-"

"Don't," I rush out again. "I can't hear it."

"Bella," he tries again. My whole body cringes at the hopes my eardrums will just close shut and I won't be able to hear anything anymore. "I was trying to protect you. But I can see now that I made the wrong decision."

The wrong decision.

"Please, just don't," I whisper.

"Alright," Edward relents. "I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to protect you now."

"Why now?" I ask. As soon as I say it, I regret it. I clamp my hand over my mouth and try to shake the question off. But he heard it, like he always does and is always inclined to answer. Why must I be so stupid and ask for answers I don't actually want to hear?

He decides to break my heart again anyway: "Because it would kill me to see you hurt."

"But why?" I moan.

He isn't making sense. I am nothing more than a fragile human. The clumsy, naive lamb who didn't understand the forces of nature at work. His natural prey.

But he doesn't look at me like that now. Not since that first day in Biology class. He looks at me with the expression that got me addicted to him in the first place. Like I am the only person in the world …

"Because you are the person I care most about in this world."

His perfect voice tells me again how desperately I longed for that to be true. I told myself that if I were to just hear this one more time, I might be able to recover, I might be able to go on. If only I knew…But it never came. And now, now my stomach churns even worse. Something feels so wrong.

"No," I fling myself backward a step. "You're lying. I saw it in my eyes when you said goodbye to me…"

It was this very thing I grappled with when he left. How could he leave like nothing mattered?

"Bella," he starts. "Lying to you that day was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I thought you wouldn't believe me, but you did, so easily. And you have no idea how much that hurt."

"No," I repeat, shaking my head repeatedly.

He has to be lying to me now. After all, he left so easily.

"Bella Swan, I love you. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life."

No, he can't love me. I can't think that's true.

The biggest mistake?

And what you did to me before wasn't? I want to scream at him. But I can't. My whole body freezes. I fall back on my bed, fortunate that it's soft enough to break my impact. My knees couldn't work now even if I commanded them. I feel so small beside him, but still, every instinct revolves around me making myself smaller. Maybe I will finally disappear from his gaze.

Edward looks at me closely, his perfect face contorting in pain. I can't help but to imagine how the sunlight hitting him just right will explode his skin into diamonds. It's not right for me to see him in this way again. The skin of a killer. Do I really see that now? The perfect Edward I once believed in.

"I can't, I can't, you have to leave," I cry into my hands, my thoughts killing me. "Please leave, now."

He's hurt. I can see that in his eyes. But I can also see that he knows he has no leeway to argue with me. Only rarely in the past did he ever let me win our arguments. The memories make me shake.

"I will protect you," he whispers this final, momentary goodbye without me even looking.

"Shame is a soul eating emotion." ― Carl Gustav Jung

It's not possible for me to open my eyes again. Not until I wait for the cold draft in my room to leave. Not until my lungs scream at me to breathe again. Not until I can be sure I'm alone, even though I can't ever really be sure again.

And then I whisper a truth that my heart has been singing for months now. Because to admit it before felt like defeat. It felt like an evil I was allowing into myself; an act unforgivable, for who moves on from an angel entering your life for even one brief second? But now, everything has changed and me with it. I see a different truth now.

"I'm not yours anymore."

Notes:

So so sorry this has been extra delayed! Also apologies for my lack of true understanding of Jacob or Edward's character. I tried to make it as realistic as possible.

Hope everyone had a happy New Year!

Chapter 25: Sam Part Thirteen

Summary:

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." ― Henry David Thoreau

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Jacob's rage slams into me just as I've been walking around my house deciding on what location would be suitable to add a room extension for a decent-sized nursery. It was going to be a day of construction planning and even interior design beginnings. It was hopefully going to impress Bella and show her I will stick to my word of being there for her.

I tear off my clothes and phase before I can even properly think in order to meet him when he attacks.

"You fucking freak! You fucking impregnated her?!"

He clashes into me before I can eloquently respond. His teeth graze my neck and I'm not proud to admit I'm not gentle with him to get him off. This isn't a teaching moment. It's a 'don't mess with me or my imprint moment.' I fling him into a tree, hearing his whimpers that instantly turn back into growls once he's on his feet again. His bones snap back in place and I know he's ready to go again.

Fortunately, his wrath prevents him from coming up with a decent attack so I'm able to deflect it once again with ease.

"How could you sleep with her! How!" he yells.

By now, the others have felt a shift in the atmosphere and have phased to join us. Jacob certainly noticed himself, but he's still too busy figuring out different ways to get through my defense. He'll tire himself out long before he can.

"Woah, woah," Paul gloats, "y'all finally did it? Guess I owe Jared ten bucks after all."

"Not now," Jared hisses. "What happened, Sam?"

"Bella's pregnant, that's what," Jacob hisses. He gears up to attack me again.

Everyone immediately goes silent.

It's enough for Black to stop himself and look between everyone else, huffing through his nose. I can tell his rage hasn't subsided at all, but the surprise that no one else knew shakes him off his warpath. I keep my mind as still as possible, waiting for the others to react.

"Like with a baby?" Embry finally asks.

"What else?" I can practically hear Leah roll her eyes.

But Jacob's smarter than I usually give him credit for. He turns to her to examine her lack of shock. Shit. Of course, Leah doesn't seem the least bit afraid she's now the center of Black's mania. Always poking the wolf, huh.

"You knew, didn't you? And you didn't tell me!" Jacob roars.

"Wasn't my fucking secret to tell, Black," Leah retorts.

"We both know how sick imprinting is," he seethes.

If she were in human form, I know she'd cross her arms and stand her ground. The effect as a wolf just has her digging her feet into the ground and baring her teeth. "Still doesn't mean she's yours."

He looks poised to attack again, but my beta's voice cuts through.

"Like an actual human baby? You and Bella?" Paul asks, incredulously.

I sigh, "Yes."

I decide to give them the gist of Bella and me finding out about the baby. My insistence on her taking a pregnancy test, her freak out, my own panic in the forest after Victoria. I know it suddenly makes sense to them why I shut down for days. But then I show them the ultrasound picture and the feeling of awe both Bella and I felt for it.

"I'll murder you for it," Jacob adds, ready to bounce on his hind legs once again.

"That's enough," I say in my Alpha voice, and immediately the rogue wolf whimpers back into a normal stance. I see the glare in his black eyes. His thoughts of tearing my hide off my back aren't exactly subtle. "Your anger isn't going to change anything."

I see his worry that Bella will be stuck caring for a kid who only knows how to throw up on her at the most inopportune moments. He imagines her completely stuck in life, waiting around on me rarely coming home, completely unable to chase any passions of her own. The worst part of it all is that this worry is mine too.

"What you've both done is inexcusable," he argues.

"What we've done?" I spit out incredulously.

I look between them all, seeing the majority of minds eager to hear what's next, some out of simple curiosity, but some who've caught onto something deeper. I decide to tell them as much as I can without breaking Bella's trust. But ultimately, they need to know just how capable the Cullen family is.

"Bella has been manipulated, lied to, and abused by many people in her life," I growl. "Not only just by the leeches. So don't fucking come in here and get angry at her for her choices."

Jacob rolls his eyes and my fury finally ignites. The image of her crying on her couch next to Rosalie breaks through.

"They made her addicted to Edward Cullen and then immediately put her into withdrawals. I don't care if they didn't fucking know that would happen. They are the reason she turned to drugs. You and I both know what kind of dangerous situations she put herself in, just to escape seeing his fucking ghost in her head. Don't come here and threaten the mother of my child for finally doing better."

I allow bits and pieces of what Bella told me to come through. Only just enough for the pack to know how dangerous 'vegetarian' leeches are as well. What she told me wasn't entirely clear, but I distinctly remember her mentioning the scent coming off the vampires being enough to completely mesmerize her. Like it was the first time she was truly allowed to smell them and it was enough for them to do anything they wished for her mind. Her constant exposure to them only made it all the easier.

"Listen," I approach Jacob soon after, snarling my teeth, "If you want to go off and be an Alpha by yourself, fine. But I won't have you coming into my pack and questioning my authority anymore. Know your place, Black."

Though his anger continues, I can see contemplation continue. Its many long moments of us staring into each other's eyes before he finally bows his head in submission. Not today, I think. Still, the path he's on is clear. I just won't have him take anyone from me.

I turn to the rest of them; everyone else waiting for me to continue. I swallow the build-up in my throat. "I know we're young and inexperienced, and way out of our depth when it comes to raising a kid. But we are happy. All I ask is that you respect that."

Maybe I've stunned them into silence with everything.

"Wow," Jared eventually says. "The first pack pup. And I thought it would be Kim and me."

He, unfortunately, shows many images of the lucky couple copulating days on end. We all yell at him to throw that out of his mind right away.

"I'm gonna be an uncle," Embry chuckles. "Or well, we all are. Plus one aunt."

"Better pray it's a girl and not a freak like Leah," Paul laughs.

"Fuck off," the woman in question snarls.

"Alright," I butt in quickly before a fight breaks out, "let's get back to our assignments. Or if you have the shift off, go home and do something productive."

Jared immediately thinks of Kim again and we all collectively groan. I mentally bombard him with images of needing to keep up with school work though they all brush off my attempts at getting them to take education seriously. After all, I was one of the rare few here to make it to college, even if I couldn't graduate.

But I think they've heard enough depressing things from me today to not want to stick around. Eventually, they'll get to see Bella and I prepare more for our kid and hopefully, the reality will set in. Hopefully, it does for me too. It still feels like a dream, even when I feel her growing belly beneath my hand.

As usual, the female wolf is the last to leave, huffing as she trots behind me.

"You've done right by her," Leah tells me. "Better keep it up or I'll disembowel you."

"Great, thanks," I chuckle.

Later after I've made some more mental notes on where to add an addition to my house, I realize it's time to tell my mom about the baby too. It would be wrong for her to find out through gossip on the rez. Alison welcomes me into her home every time I show up. Maybe this is what being a parent is about, I do need to start taking notes. She welcomes me even though I've gone a long time between visits. Of course, her house is spotless as always, littered with pictures of me when I was a kid. My chest squeezes.

"Well," my mom asks, "what're you here for? You never come unless something is up or it's a rare holiday."

I cringe. I need to treat my mother better. Especially for everything I've done to her already.

She makes a 'tsking' sound as if she can read my thoughts. "It has to do with this girl you've been crazy about, huh?"

Even though Alison knows about imprinting, I've never really stopped to think about how grateful I am that she never says the word to me. Never makes me feel like this is one of those wolfy duties I'm meant to accept for the rest of my life, even if it is.

"She's pregnant," I blurt out.

My mom freezes.

"You're going to be a grandma," I can't help but laugh a little even though my stomach flips.

She stares at me for another couple of seconds. I'm half convinced she's going to implode. But then she opens her mouth to smile and reluctantly laughs herself. And we're both dumbstruck, amazed that this is real. I know she assumed I wouldn't let myself truly get close to someone again. Not even Emily who I admittedly used as a support tool. But my mom's casually been dropping hints of wanting a grandchild for years. Some on the rez start their families very young, just as my mom did.

"No kidding," she says as she wipes the droplets off the corners of her eyes. "Well, when do I get to meet the girl? I don't like being resigned to just staring at her from across the beach. Even if she is pretty."

I had to ensure my mom wouldn't approach Bella during Harry's funeral or after-party. It was hard not revealing the exact details of what happened, but my mom's intuition quickly realized Bella saw more than just about everyone else that night.

"I don't know. She has class all day and then sometimes works at a hardware store after," I grimace.

"Classes?" Alison asks. "What is she studying?"

My mouth parts but nothing comes out. She stares at me for a single second before she understands that Bella is not quite old enough to be in college.

"You are an idiot, Samuel."

"You aren't the first to tell me that," I sigh.

"Christ Almighty," she swears.

She runs a hand through her hair and sighs heavily, "Well, what do her parents think? Surely they want to castrate you."

I almost smile. "I don't think she's told them yet. But I will be there if she wants me to."

"Fuck," Alison whispers under her breath. I take it more to mean that she's still gobsmacked this has happened: me, with a high school student. "I'm glad you're at least older than I was with you, even if she's not. Poor thing, probably terrified."

"She certainly was when I told her," I mutter.

Alison raises an eyebrow and then shakes her head. Neither of us talks much about the benefits, or curses, of being a wolf. For all I know, she suspects I smelled it off Bella instantly. Even if it really took a minute for me to even hear a heartbeat and confirm it's true. Let alone realize it was mine.

"But we both want the baby, Mom," I'm quick to add.

"But does she want you? Do you want her?" Alison asks. "Because that can make or break a relationship involving a kid."

I barely think about the man the universe decided I was unlucky enough to be assigned as my father. I know enough about what he did. Pressured my mother to get an abortion, demanded adoption when that wasn't the case. Even in a goddamn married couple who say vows to one another. He chased the bottle instead. I've sworn since I was a kid myself to never be like that.

"I want her," I admit. "I hope she likes me enough to stick around."

My mom lets out a breath.

"But I don't know what the imprint means," I decide to admit the weight that has been pressing down on me for months. Even if I don't want to burden my mom with this, the words leave my lips before I can think. "I don't know how much are my own feelings versus that."

Alison shrugs, "Does it matter?"

I don't know how to answer her question. I can't even articulate why it seems to bother me so much. Regardless, I know for a fact I will not be asking Jared for his opinion. I've seen enough of his puppy-sick love of Kim to know he believes the imprint is the greatest gift in the universe. Only being a wolf is second. Which I certainly disagree with.

The imprint has brought me Bella. Bella. The most imperfect perfect person I know. The one whose lows I thought insurmountable, but proved me wrong without even acknowledging me. It has arguably brought us our incoming child. I should be grateful. I should be kissing the rocks on the ground and singing praises to the wind, but free will is a difficult thing to get around.

I know I chose her now. I chose most of all just to be there.

 

 

 

 

 

When Bella calls me on the weekend, I'm still filled with nervous excitement at just the thought of her. I wonder if that will ever subside. If I even want it to.

"I want to see you again soon," is the gist of what she says. Soon as in less than an hour from now, I realize.

"Yes," is my immediate answer.

"But can we meet somewhere? I'm like starving," she laughs.

"I'll take you out to eat."

"Nowhere fancy," she hurries to add.

"I know a diner," I add, and then smirk to myself not fully knowing her answer, but needing to say it anyway. "If you don't mind meeting my mother."

She agrees. It might take a moment of convincing, but my argument that it will eventually be good practice for telling her own father gets her to come around. Plus, Alison already knows. And she's more dumbstruck than angry right now anyway.

The diner is where my mother works these days. It still irks me that she's resigned herself to a line cook position rather than to be a waitress where she could make more. I know it's because of the scars. And I know I don't have a right to ask her about it.

With its pastel tiles and all-day breakfast menu, this joint is one of the more popular on the reservation.

I stand up when I see Bella walk in. She looks like a glowing goddess. There aren't any other words to describe it really. Perhaps this is the pregnancy glow my mom lectured me on. I couldn't imagine this woman getting more beautiful, but here she is with bouncing auburn hair and glittering eyes.

Again, I hug her, letting my warmth surround her while I reach out to feel her belly. As she relaxes and presses against me, I can tell she's grown in size, even if hardly noticeable to outsiders. Still, I smirk at the thought that my child is growing.

"How are you?" I ask as we slide into a baby-blue booth.

She looks away from me and I instantly get a bad feeling.

"Edward came to see me."

Her tone does not indicate happiness. I know I don't have a right to ask what happened or how she feels, but I want her to know she can at least be safe with me.

"I'm going to talk to him," I say with resolute certainty. "I'll make sure he's not going to mess with you anymore."

She shakes her head, "You can't, Sam. He'll know you're coming."

"Good," I answer.

I'd go into more details of how much I want to rip her plaster head off his body, how I'll do it with just a sliver of a reason to, but my mom doesn't give us much more room to bicker. She's out from behind the kitchen quickly, heading straight to our table.

Fuck. Why couldn't you wait a minute, Mom? It's not like I get to see my imprint all the time or anything.

"So you're Bella Swan," Alison states, keeping her voice low and level.

Bella squirms in her seat, "Yes, sorry."

"Why are you saying sorry?" my mom asks, surprised.

"I don't know? For trapping your son for the next eighteen years?"

Alison breaks out into laughter. A smile passes over my face as well. Bella looks between us, swallowing some of her fear, and softly beaming as well.

"You aren't terrible," my mom judges her. Then her eyes go soft, "How are you feeling?"

"Good," Bella says. I'd reach over and squeeze her hand if there wasn't a table between us. The boiling desire to touch her worsens when I'm physically unable to do so. I want to be able to fully sense if Bella actually is doing good, or if it's just her nature to lie about it.

My mom gestures down at Bella's stomach, "Could I see?"

"Oh," Bella blushes. "Sure."

She gets out of the booth and for some reason, I decide to stand up as well, towering over both of them. Then she reaches behind her back to pull on her baggy shirt so the outline of her belly sticks through.

She's bigger than when I last saw her.

My heart pounds in my ears.

"Can I?" my mom asks, gesturing to Bella's middle. It's the first time in a long while I've heard her be nervous, even if it's not obvious at all. Her tells are subtle. Eye twitching and shortened sentences.

Bella, on the other hand, falters with every perceived embarrassing moment. She nods and twists her torso so my mom can gently lay her hand against the swell. Either my mom's hands are just small or my child really has grown, but there's enough surface area uncovered that it takes me by surprise. My mom runs her hand all over.

I watch them for a moment, feeling a strange tickling start in my throat.

"Can you feel anything yet?" Alison asks.

"No, I wish," Bella laughs. "I just feel all of the symptoms instead."

My mom smirks, "Oh, tell me about it. This one here gave me nausea for months after the typical morning sickness phase. I thought it would never end and he was gonna be some small, sickly kid when he popped out because of it."

They both laugh at my expense.

"The heartbeat is on the right side for now," I speak up, clearing my voice as I do so. The two women's eyes snap to look at me, wide and disbelieving.

I just shrug and reach over to gently graze Bella's stomach with two knuckles to show them where the heart is resting. Bella shivers underneath my touch so I quickly pull back.

"I don't know which way she is situated, of course," I explain.

"She?" my mom asks.

Bella shakes her head, "We don't know yet. I wanted to wait," she looks up at me, "until Sam was there too."

Alison looks between us, doing that annoying mother-instinct contemplation of deciphering the relationships her son is in. I can tell right away what conclusion she came to. Even if I want to argue against it, that spark of hope inside me that Bella could truly be mine someday wins out.

"Well," my mom speaks, "I best head back to the kitchen and let you eat. Enjoy your date, kids."

The muscles in my neck twitch. Bella doesn't acknowledge that last part either, choosing instead to hug my mom and tell her how nice it was to meet her. When my mom is back behind the kitchen door, I realize how anxious I'd been feeling that her scars would upset this conversation. But my imprint looked as if she didn't even see them, as if she doesn't even care what I did.

Bella and I eat. She's right in that her appetite has seemed to have increased two-fold. A strange sense of pride swells within me again. She laughs as I notice her pouring ketchup over everything. And I know it's moments like these I want to chase for the rest of my life.

But she brings up more concerns. Apparently, the blonde vampire has been less than forthcoming about her thoughts relating to the red-eyed monster situation. Bella is convinced the massacre in Seattle has to do with Victoria. It forces me to admit the bitch killed campers around the area for months. She's stalking both of us. But I promise to my imprint that she won't get close to her or her child, lest I'm dead first.

I know Bella doesn't believe me, and even if my instincts say to argue, I decide to keep this hour as stress-free as possible. We both go back to laughing at my mom's insistence that she's going to buy us some popular pregnancy book. Bella admits she's too afraid to see the gory details written out on paper. Best to stay ignorant and blissful.

The time passes by quickly, much too quickly. I'm paying for our meal before I know it, refusing to let her even touch the bill even if she argues. I put my hand on the small of her back guiding us to the clear spring air outside.

It might be time to say goodbye already, but I fight it for a moment longer.

"Bella, wait," I grab ahold of her arm and gently turn her back to me.

She blink ups, eyelashes heaving but waiting on me every word.

"Let me give you my cell phone number. I picked one up the other day in case you need to call me about anything you need," I say. If I look closely, I can see a faint blush on her cheeks. "Or anything the baby needs, of course."

Bella bites her lip, "Oh, wow. I, uh, have actually been thinking about making some changes too." Her cheeks flush redder and I can tell she's aching to not let me notice. "Starting with my truck."

Her truck? I look over at the rusted beast. Is something wrong with it?

"Can't put a car seat in there," She adds with a dry laugh, twisting the ends of her hair.

I almost cock my head at her, wondering if I should be talking her out of this choice. I know from Billy, and even Jacob, that Bella loved the truck her dad bought off them. I remember her caring about it even when high and drunk. It's an old vehicle, but I know that's why she likes it so much. Maybe there are other old and weathered things she likes.

But instead, I just smile, "Suppose not."

She grins up at me, "Not sure anyone will buy it though. I'll probably get a couple hundred, max. Not nearly enough for a new car."

"Then let me cover the difference," I add without thinking.

"Sam, no," she says. "That's hardly fair. I'll be the one driving it."

I shrug.

"Don't even think about it!"

I laugh at her, "I wouldn't buy anything without making sure you like it first."

She crosses her arms over her chest, "Then I'll make a point to not like anything."

"And what? You'll just push around a stroller all day?"

"Yup."

"Well," I laugh, "they're your arms."

I look at both of her arms tucked into her jacket. The fabric adds considerable circumference to them, but I know what's beneath is probably a third my size, at the very most. Any significant force and they'll snap like a twig. I mentally make a note to watch for more points of fragility. Everything is even more exasperated now. In the back of my head, it pains me that my instinct as Alpha is to look for points of weakness, but that doesn't make the insight go away.

"I guess I do need the muscle," she mumbles.

"Nah," I say, "I'll be that for you."

It's cheesy, and definitely something one of the other boys would say, but seeing her reaction makes it worth it. She even moves to fake slap me on the shoulder. I wonder if she acted like this around Jacob, he has the personality for it, but she's too cute for me to get jealous right now.

"You're terrible!" she gasps, but then a more serious look comes over her face. "But I know you're going to be a great dad, Sam. I don't know about myself though."

I hold her hand, "You're already great."

Again, I lean forward to press my lips gently against hers. She sighs into me, but this is hardly the place to deepen the kiss. I pull back and smile at her.

Bella bites her lip and I almost, almost say fuck it, I'll kiss this woman here for the world to see. But she smiles her goodbye and my eyes can't leave her until she's down the road in her truck. I can still feel her touch on me.

 

 

 

 

 

But that night I have a nightmare and it destroys me. It's her ex-boyfriend's shadow obscuring both of us. It's Bella, lying beaten and bruised on the ground. Her neck leaking profusely from the bite marks left behind. It's my own child born with red, haunting eyes. And Edward Cullen is responsible for it all.

I tried to last without confronting him, but it isn't going to happen anymore. I make it to Sunday afternoon until I'm sizzling with rage. Really, only half a day after the disturbing dream.

Now I'm going to the Cullen's house. I'm going to make it clear he can't be allowed anywhere near her.

My eruption into a wolf is messier than it's been in years. That's what tells me I'm truly shaking with rage. I could hunt a thousand deer, something none of us ever really do unless we're truly upset, but it still wouldn't be enough. My prey is a hundred-year-old decayed statue.

I let branches hit me on my path. My cuts open and reheal. The pain only adds to the wrath inside of me. He's going to feel everything a hundred times worse.

It's only when I'm maybe less than a mile from their house when I realize how stupid I've been. This monster can read minds. If he's there, he knows I'm coming.

I slow down to stop, but it's too late, he's just yards away from me.

It pains me to admit I know why Bella fell for him. None of them are ever unattractive, the bastards. But there's a haunting aura. This is how he attracts his victims. He lures them with the promise they can fix a troubled man. Yet in the end, he doesn't want to be fixed, he wants to devour everyone else.

He will not hurt her anymore. Bella is mine now. She's mine.

And the memories of the imprint come breaking through the dam of my mind. She was the most beautifully pathetic creature I'd ever seen after he left her exposed in the forest. She struggled for so long to recover from him, especially not even knowing what he truly did to cripple her. But she recovered, she finally let me get close to her. And now we're meant to be together, the universe has decreed it so. He or anyone else in their disgusting family can't stop that truth.

"What did you do to her?" Edward asks in a dangerous, low voice.

It takes me half by surprise. Then the anger returns almost immediately.

"What did I do?" I growl. "What did you do, you sick fucking monster. You shouldn't be allowed anywhere near her."

He's at my face in seconds, even though I'm still in wolf form and bearing my teeth.

"You've ruined her life," he says again.

The inhuman way vampires never need to move, never really need to breathe, hasn't hit me as horrific as it does with Edward Cullen. He's worse than a monster, I see now. He's some kind of alien.

"No," I tell him, letting the anger swirl around in my head, "you're the one that tried to do that."

"She doesn't know," Edward snarls, "what you've done."

I extend my spine further so he knows just how much I tower over him even as a wolf. "Because it doesn't matter. She still has a choice. What you did, you didn't ask her, at all."

"You've taken away her choices for the rest of her life as a teen mother."

"She wants the baby," I growl through my teeth.

"A mistake," he shrugs.

"Hers to make," I retort. Ours, I think in my head. I so desperately want to say it, but enunciating that she deserves a choice by herself in this matter means more. Anything, everything to let him know he has to respect her desires.

"You don't need to fear, I won't threaten your offspring," he adds, obviously bitter. "We're all here for the sole purpose of protecting her from Victoria, which you've clearly failed to do."

"Why'd you leave then if you were so worried?" I hiss out.

"Alice believed she would follow us to South America or at least stay out of Forks. She wouldn't have immediately suspected I could leave Bella behind."

"Sounds like your fortune teller is also a failure," I proclaim. "Wonder who else in your tribe is overstating their abilities."

Edward laughs.

"As if you can possibly understand us."

I don't like his tone or what he's implying. I've heard enough legends growing up, enough first-hand experience from Bella to know exactly who they are.

"She's the only person that was protected from you," I realize. "And you hated that, huh? So that's why you had to go break her mind in order to feel like the god you're convinced you are. But you're not a god. Not even a man."

He laughs dryly at me, "Oh, I'll make sure she doesn't choose you."

"She doesn't have to," I say with sincerity. "I've chosen to protect her regardless. Clearly, you haven't-"

I'm going to launch into another tirade of how much this leech has failed her when he cuts me off, panic echoing throughout his frozen features, even if it's only evident by a single muscle twitching in his jaw.

"Be quiet," Edward suddenly hisses. "Someone else is coming."

The second he says it, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I know the feeling without even thinking. A Cold One is coming. A violent, unfeeling monster. I know before it gets here that it's going to have bright red and unflinching eyes. The mark of a remorseless killer.

"It's Victoria," I grit through my teeth.

"No," he shakes his head, straining his neck in the direction of the forest. "But it's someone who knows her."

More instincts crawl up my spine. Six bursts of raw energy blast through my nerves, very nearly threatening to knock me off balance.

"My pack is coming," I say.

"So is my family."

Both of us entirely forget our conversation from seconds ago as we feel into the woods for our respective clans to join. I can feel the force of six wolves and six 'vegetarian' leeches sprinting through the land, all almost ready to converge on a single target that seems headed straight towards us. It's not even making an effort to disguise itself.

"Who is it?" I snarl.

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." ― Henry David Thoreau

The haunting feeling that something just isn't right here squeezes every muscle in my body. I grow hot, I almost shake in anticipation of phasing to join the upcoming battle. Looking back at the vampire beside me, Edward's expression turns wholly unreadable. He's straining to hear more and I can't fathom his kind has any better senses than mine.

It is only when I have this thought that I realize he's not trying to hear with his ears, but with his mind.

"He says his name is Riley and he wants to talk to Alice and me."

Notes:

Lots of baby stuff this chapter, but now it is time for the plot to pick up once again! Fifteen chapters left, ahhghh!

Chapter 26: Bella Part Thirteen

Summary:

“The sun also shines on the wicked.” ― Seneca

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

After Edward leaves I find myself stuck in a suspended state of crying and sleeping. Neither quite one over the other. It takes hours to gather enough energy to push myself out of bed. But when I do, I'm ravenous. I eat all the scraps I can gather out of the refrigerator in the middle of the night.

Charlie finds me with a fistful of crackers halfway to my mouth. I'm grateful I'm wearing a baggy sweatshirt or else he would have put it together.

He doesn't comment on what I know are my red, puffy eyes. I wave him off by mumbling, "I'm fine."

When morning comes, I don't actually know if I'm fine, but it feels too much like walking through quicksand trying to figure it out. Jessica mentions that we need to hang out again, do something fun before I'm 'ruined' for the next eighteen years. I actually laugh at that.

Rosalie waits for me outside of school again, but not in her car this time, fortunately. She's in an expensive dress, hiding in the trees next to my truck. I know the stance doesn't suit her at all, it's something he would do, but I take it as her trying not to disrupt my routine any more than she has to. I still laugh when a leaf blows into Rosalie's hair and she struggles to get it out without ruining her curls.

When I approach, she just rolls her eyes at me and hands me a book. I know it to be one of those pregnancy books that goes into gory detail about every change my body is going through.

"Oh, weird," I say, shaking my head.

"Just take it," she growls.

I do because I realize it's her way of apologizing to me that she couldn't stop Edward from showing up. And I also know neither of us wants to talk about that.

"Are you eating well?" she asks.

I hum a non-committal answer as if the thought of a burger and fries doesn't appear every couple of minutes.

"Carlisle will scold you just as much when you go to see him," she warns.

"Okay," I say even though I don't believe her. It would also mean seeing the other Cullens and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

"He made me go to medical school for him. I paid attention during the obstetrics lessons. You need vegetables, fruit, and low-fat dairy. I'll keep repeating that, Bella."

I nod, though my eyes are already beginning to glaze over in preparation for another long lecture. Rosalie's expression changes, however. I'm beginning to recognize it as guilt.

"And Alice wants to see you," she finally grumbles. "Her ability is not working as well as normal. You're particularly spotty. She thinks it has to do with the dogs. They're a complete blindspot."

"She can't see the wolves at all?" I gape.

Rosalie shakes her head.

"But I'm not around him all the time."

Her eyes cast downward. I immediately put a hand over my belly.

"Right, because the baby is half his…" I reason.

Rosalie shrugs, but her eyes suggest something else. "I don't care either way. Let the bitch struggle without her sight for a minute. We were all going to agree to not bother you for a while, but I convinced them to let me go to see if she could see this interaction."

"Can she?" I ask, if only out of the prickling curiosity gathering on the back of my neck.

Rosalie doesn't answer.

"I know you don't want to see us, Bella. And I do understand. I'd let you run off with your perfect, human life if I could. But you'll have to be the one to organize the meeting between our species eventually. We're all here for the same purpose. Despite how much of a moron Sam seems to be, it's obvious he cares for you too."

I chew my bottom lip.

The wind blows through my hair again and Rosalie stiffens. It's another cruel reminder that it was never just Edward who hid his instincts around me.

"I don't disagree," I finally say to her.

And in principle, I really don't. It's just that the pain lingering beneath the surface feels too great to ignore. But in the end, I know I will do everything for my child, for Sam.

Rosalie seems to catch what I am thinking, but her face grows into a scowl as she continues with her lines.

"Alice believes that if you see her, she may be able to get past whatever is blocking her. Perhaps the same is true with the wolves. They clearly seem to be involved in this whole mess. I don't want her to be any more powerful, but we need to have an idea of how this might end. I don't like what we're theorizing right now. No one does."

"Okay, I'll think on it," I secede.

She gives me a worried look.

"I just want to see Sam right now," I admit.

Rosalie stares at me. I almost flinch suddenly imagining her eyes the color of rubies. But could Rosalie ever really be that way? I know the revenge she got, but every time I think about it, I can't help feeling it was justified.

"When you do, tell him he knows what's happening in Seattle is a bad sign. We have to prepare."

She doesn't give me anything concrete after that.

 

 

 

 

 

Thankfully, it is a Friday and I decide it won't hurt to wait to call Sam tomorrow. I tell myself that even if there's an ache in my chest that refuses to leave when I do my best to pass the time with homework and leisurely novels. It might be a while before I touch Gone with the Wind again.

By the time I do get around to calling Sam, almost all I can think about is eating. He promises diner food that sounds delicious at the cost of meeting his mom. It terrifies me, but I'm too hungry to say no.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, I see Sam again.

He hugs me and it's heaven. And it's purgatory when he lets me go. I ache even worse realizing this may be the first thought of biblical concepts I've had since the Cullens. It's strange, I'm not even religious. Perhaps the existence of the supernatural is just impossible to describe without these Western beliefs.

I sit down in the booth across from him. My stomach flutters as I realize his shirt may be a size too small. Every curve to his musculature painfully obvious. He looks at me like I am the only thing that exists in front of him. It's the way he's always looked at me, hasn't it?

"Hi," I say, nearly biting my lip clean off.

"How are you?"

 

 

 

 

 

It hurts that I have to tell him about Edward and the others. It hurts to think about it for too long.

 

 

 

 

 

But then we're interrupted.

When Sam's mom touches my stomach, I was convinced my legs were going to give out. And then Sam telling me he knows exactly where our baby's heartbeat is located. My own heart could have stopped then.

She asks me how I'm feeling. I don't lie, but calling it the truth wouldn't be accurate either. There are just simply too many emotions to describe. A thousand of them centered around her son.

Even if she terrifies me, I like Sam's mom. I can see so much of her in him. The fierceness, the drive to protect, the hidden softness. I hope those traits will be passed down.

I chastity Sam after his mom leaves for calling the baby a she.

"I think it's a boy," I counter.

"We'll see," he smirks.

 

 

 

 

 

When we eat, I know I need to tell Sam about the problems in Seattle. There's no way Victoria isn't involved, especially considering how Rosalie is acting. Something seems hidden from me, intentionally, I would argue.

"We'll take care of it, Bella," Sam says, adding himself to the list. But I don't much care about that at the moment.

"Please don't put yourself in danger," I groan.

"I think we'll be fine. Plus, the whole pack knows about the baby. Everyone is ready to protect you," he tells me, almost winking.

"Oh, god," I blush. "So many people know now."

He reaches for my hand across the table, "No one is judging you. Just me, I think."

I smile at him, my heart fluttering for the rest of our meal.

 

 

 

 

 

When we kiss goodbye, I realize I want more. I really, truly might want more with him. It's different from being drunk at a New Year's party and trying to fix the gaping hole in my chest, it's different from the uncontrollable dreams I sometimes have. This time, my legs quiver and I desperately want him. Down to the core.

But I have to let go.

I wonder, I hope, that expression on his face is the same as what I am feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

Crap, I realize later at night that I didn't even tell Sam about Alice's powers not working on him. But I'll see him again soon. I know myself enough to say that I can't stay away for long.

 

 

 

 

 

There's a bubbling in my chest that doesn't seem able to go away. I know I need to talk to someone else about it. Try to make sense of what it seems I feel for him. Enough to kiss him repeatedly, I add to myself.

I might talk to Leah. I've texted her a few times since getting her number, but it feels cruel to ask her about a man she used to be involved with. And Angela seems too modest to really want to talk about a bodily issue like this. Though since she knows I'm pregnant, that can't be an unavoidable thought. Still, it would be an awkward conversation. This leaves only one person. The same one who may be the reason Sam and I first got together.

I send Jessica a text: Free today?

She gets back to me instantly.

U know it ;)

I smile.

Want to come over? I can make dinner.

Jessica sends back an enthusiastic reply only seconds later: I can leave now!

After double-checking that she knows the address, I head downstairs to prepare something. There's defrosted ground beef and a jar of tomato sauce. My stomach grumbles loudly. It'll be lasagna.

It's a recipe I know by heart. So when I finish and put the dinner in the oven, the minutes tick by with an ever-increasing unease. She should be here by now. I look over at the clock on the wall repeatedly. I was hoping she could be over at least a couple of hours before Charlie gets home, but I don't know if that's likely anymore.

The worry continues to creep up my spine. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go outside to check if her car is approaching? Maybe I did give her the wrong house number or something.

But the moment the front door clicks closed behind me, I realize what has been waiting. My stomach drops.

"Hello," Victoria's silky voice enunciates every syllable. It isn't full of malice, or of any intention to toy with the prey in front of her. Instead, she just looks at me with a soft curiosity. It would be almost friendly if not for her eyes.

Instincts tell me to run. This is a person who has threatened me and everyone else around me. I can't stick around. But I'm frozen in place.

"You can't be here," I say. It's the only thing I can say. My teeth begin to chatter. I press myself back against the door. It wouldn't even do any good if I did run inside and lock it immediately. I know she's unstoppable.

She smiles but otherwise does not move. Her cropped green jersey flaps in the wind. The only proof she isn't the same kind of ghost Edward once was to me.

"I didn't want you to forget about me, Bella."

How could I?

My hand falls to my stomach, cupping the swell to protect my tiny child from her. But the strength of a vampire would tear through my limbs like jelly in an instant. I still have to do something, anything for him.

She looks down at my belly and almost frowns, "That's new."

"Please, don't," I beg.

Red eyes that don't give away much emotion. Neither hatred nor overt envy. She still stares at the area though.

"An unfortunate casualty," Victoria finally decrees.

I shake my head back and forth rapidly, "No, you can't."

She shrugs, mechanical and cat-like all the same, "You don't seem that far along. It won't be the greatest loss the world has ever seen."

Tears stream from my eyes. Because she's wrong. It would be the greatest loss in the world to Sam and me. I know that for certain.

"Maybe if you beg enough, I'll make both of your deaths quick," she smirks.

I drop to my knees, feeling the concrete scrap against my flesh. The metallic taste already flooding my mouth.

"Please just take me! Take me!" I yell, all of the breath in my lungs sucking out so quickly. "Please. I'll go with you willingly. Just wait until after he's born. I swear."

She purses her lips, "Tempting, but I can't wait that long. The idea of forever seems utterly pointless without James. My plan has already begun. But don't worry, Bella; I am not going to hurt you now. I've just stopped by to say hello. Have you done what I've asked? Brought the Cullens back?"

A switch in tactic shoots through my body. Slowly, I push myself back up. Though my legs wobble, I block the entrance to our house as if it does any good. But I'll make the gesture count. I'll stand firm.

"Forget about Edward," I say, jutting my chin upwards. "It's me you're angry with."

Victoria chews on this thought.

"You're right. You're a big part of it. The audacity of someone your kind," she breathes out in a laugh. "I could kill you easily. But it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't have been enough for James."

"You loved him a lot," I reason, slowly, just enough to catch a glimmer in her red eyes. I breathe out through my nose slowly, trying to keep my voice steady so she'll hear the logic in my words. "I'm sure he loved you too."

A piece of her ego finally snaps and she looks at me with devastating anger, "What the hell do you know about love? You exist for a second, a single second to someone like me."

I know about love, I think bitterly, with my hand still cupped to my stomach. I've known the oblivious, obsessive love. I might know true love if I let myself. And now I certainly know the selfless kind, tied to the face of an unborn child who shares Sam's features. I know love quite well.

"I don't think you deserve to have everything in the world, darling. Vampires and these wolves to tend to your every need? A family of your own blood? No, that's not quite right for someone who knows our secret. I'm not a rule follower myself if you couldn't have guessed, but the Volturi wouldn't have approved. But if I'd told them, they'd just kill you instantly too. And that circles back to my first problem: your death isn't enough. I am going to annihilate your coven."

Truth washes over me. As a single strand of sunlight makes it through the clouds to erupt on her skin, seeing Victoria in a new light metaphorically too. Truth erupts in front of me. Only out of the corner of my eye can I see her squirm in my examination.

My mouth drops open, "That's why you want to kill me. It isn't just about your mate. It's about the fact that they killed him for a human."

She laughs, but the rage doesn't leave from behind her eyes.

I'm crazy, I'm nearly suicidal, but I press on, digging under her granite skin as much as I can.

"You want to prove to them that they shouldn't care so much about us too, huh?"

"That's true," she admits.

"Maybe I agree," I laugh, absurdism clouding my judgment. "I can't love him again."

"It doesn't matter if you don't love him anymore," she says. "He'll always love you. That's how vampires work. I just want to show him that if he gave in to his instincts more, he could have prevented your death. If only he turned you earlier. There's an order to how things work. Maybe not as strict as the Volturi believe, but it's written into nature. He shouldn't have disrupted that."

I want to ask about who this Volturi is that she keeps referencing, but it isn't the time. If she really isn't going to harm me now, maybe I can win in a battle of wits.

"There are lots of things he shouldn't have done," I finally say. A weight leaves my chest and somehow I'm able to stand up even taller. "But you got what you wanted. He's back now."

"I'm glad," she smiles. "Things can go quicker now. Your pitiful existence won't have to go on much longer."

"As long as everyone else is safe," I say. I curl my hand into a fist thinking about the fact that my baby would die with me still. I won't give up on this one piece no matter what. No matter if she chains me to a rock in the middle of the wilderness. I will still beg for him.

"Is that so? I think you may be forgetting someone?" Victoria teases.

My stomach drops, the knowing intonation in her voice devastates me. But my brain doesn't work fast enough to decipher her meaning.

"Someone who seemed like she was on her way to your house just now?"

Jessica.

Victoria laughs, her eyes casting out down the street.

I take off running before I can even think.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

My legs burn up the stored lactic acid immediately, leaving only a throbbing ache as the gravel in the street seems to go on forever. I know I'm generally slow, and now with added hormones and baby weight, I'm even more out of shape. The panic in me is the only thing that propels me forward. It might be the fastest I've ever gone in my life. I won't even stop to breathe.

I see Victoria standing off into the trees, already ahead of me without a moment of effort. There's Jessica's car in an awkward spot on the side of the room with the driver's side door left open. I get closer and I realize the door is actually hanging on by the thread. It looks ripped at the seam.

Victoria stands over something composed of pale limbs, brown hair, and a pink coat. Something lifeless.

I scream when I see her up close.

Jessica's cheeks are blotchy, pale, but bruising underneath the surface. Or maybe she would bruise further if it didn't look like all the blood from within her had been sucked out. Her eyes are open, but there's no movement behind them. No acknowledgment of my presence now. Only a permanent look of abject terror.

I fall again before I reach her. I have to propel myself on all four limbs the rest of the way.

But it seems to be true. The expression of triumph on Victoria's perfect feature. Jessica looks dead.

 

 

 

 

 

I won't accept that.

 

 

 

 

 

My hands find her chest and I put one on top of the other and I press down harshly. Then again. And again. Just how the day-long seminar of CPR class taught us. I won't stop. The heart needs repeated pressure to bounce back.

I watch Jessica's chest fling forward in the air but then collapse back down after each squeeze. She never moves on her own. I panic more.

"This is kind of pathetic," Victoria comments.

I ignore her, continuing to perform the manual heart palpitations. My arms begin to burn, but it's no issue to keep my friend alive.

"You'll wake up," I tell Jessica.

Victoria chuckles, "Will she now?"

Yes.

This will work.

I scream through my teeth in frustration. My body is on fire.

Finally, my arms collapse. I can't move anymore. I try again, but the burning sensation is too much. All I can do is shake Jessica's shoulders, try to get her to listen.

"No, no, no. NO! Jessica, please," I shake her, sobbing. "Please!"

Victoria laughs, "You were getting a little too comfortable in your routine. You knew I would do this again."

Heat floods my face and I turn to her, screaming, "You said you wouldn't if they came back!"

She smiles, "I couldn't be sure until I saw you. Thank you for making it clear to me now."

I cradle Jessica and try to turn us away from the vampire's stare. But Victoria just smiles at me as I can barely move.

"Oh god, oh god," I mutter. Jessica's face grows paler.

I brush her hair and hold her head on my lap.

"She was quite tasty. But I promise no one else will be single-handedly harmed by me," she laughs. "Except you, when the time is right."

Bile continues to rise in my throat. I clutch Jessica's cold hand and try to will her back to life.

"Why try to wake her up if she'll just become like me when she does?" Victoria asks, feigning innocence.

Because it's better than losing my friend entirely.

"You really should give up-"

I've had it. I've had enough. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I snap.

"GET OUT OF HERE."

Victoria stills for a second but then frowns at me in disappointment.

"Alright. I can sense your protectors are coming now anyway. It's such a shame I won't be able to see your reaction to my plan. No doubt they have just figured it out. But I will savor your crying now as close enough. I wonder what it will be like for you when you realize how stuck you are."

 

 

 

 

 

Victoria is gone.

I turn back to my friend. I brush more hair out of Jessica's face. She's so pale and cold now. The rain bounces off her skin. She doesn't make any effort to protect her face from the storm. I try to keep her dry.

"Hey, it's going to be okay now," I tell her.

"Jessica, Jessica…"

I cry.

I don't stop crying until my lungs burn. Only weak gasps come out. I hug her. I press my ear into her chest to listen to a heartbeat, or shallow breathing, or something. Nothing.

The sky begins to explode. The rain hides my tears, but the pain still cripples my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

Long and heavy arms circle around me. I know who they belong to without even thinking. Still, I thrash against him, screaming and crying. He lifts me off of the ground and begins to walk away with me.

"Let me go! Let me go!" I yell, almost hitting him to get him to put me back down.

Sam holds onto me tight, trying to pivot my body away from Jessica, but I scream the further away from her we go. I can't even see much with the way the water is streaming down my face.

"Bella," he says into my skin, "there's nothing we can do."

"No!" I cry out. "You're wrong, you're wrong. Help her!"

He tries to rock me back and forth, but I struggle against his heavy arms, refusing to stop. Sam whispers into my hair. I can't hear him. I can't think at all.

"Bitch is long gone," I hear Leah's voice approach. "And her fucking friend left with her."

"With our pack and all those vamps, there's got to be a chance someone was stopped," Sam growls.

His voice takes on the tone when he's strategizing. I've only heard it a few times, but I know it's wrong for this moment. They need to focus on Jessica.

"I don't care, I don't care!" I wail. "Take care of Jessica!"

They don't answer me, but I feel Sam rub circles on my back that I still trash again. Can't he see?

"You left before you noticed, huh?" Leah asks Sam. "Maybe you heard it, but I saw it in the pack link. With what he can do, there wasn't a chance at all."

"Fuck," Sam curses. I feel his arms tighten around me.

I feel his heartbeat from our close contact. It is the only thing that convinces me that I am not stuck in a nightmare realm. But it's too fast, even for him. He's panicking. I know that to be true.

"It's going to be okay, Bella," he murmurs into my ear, rocking me back and forth. He isn't just saying it to me.

Leah stands off to the side, but I can't get a clear image of her. Sam protects me with his whole body.

"Call the police," Sam tells her. "You'll have to say you found the body like this."

"No! That's Jessica!" I scream.

Neither of them listens to me. Sam turns further so I can't look at all without popping my neck out of place. But I need to see my friend, I need to.

"That won't work," Leah says. "She's entirely drained of blood. It's not natural."

"It isn't right to just hide the body, Lee. She doesn't deserve to be a missing person."

Leah growls, "I'm not saying that. We just need a better explanation."

"There wasn't one when the group first came to town and there won't be one now," Sam says. "The police department will just have to accept it."

"Fuck, this isn't good," Leah mutters.

"Please help her," I continue to sob. I can't see anymore.

Leah makes a tsking noise. I know she's trying to think. I don't know how since I can barely do so myself. Jessica's haunted face rings through my mind.

"Alright, let's go," I hear Leah's voice relent. "I'll take Bella back to her house."

Sam doesn't say anything, but his grip tightens, and I yelp. Only then does he relax a millimeter.

"Put her down," Leah orders.

Sam doesn't let go of me.

"Put her down, idiot. I'm not going to bite her, goddamn."

Sam relents and sits me down. I immediately scramble on the ground trying to reach Jessica again, but someone grabs my shoulders to still me. It's Leah. Her wild, dark eyes finally take on a look of somber knowing. I hiccup as I cry.

She kneels in front of me, her lips a thin line.

"I know what it's like, Bella," she whispers to me. "I know what you're feeling. But you helped me after my father and I'll help you here."

"No, no," I mutter, shivering within my rain-soaked jacket and shirt. I cross my arms and try to keep myself steady but it doesn't work. Nothing I've done has worked.

"Sam, look, she's fine. You can go now. I'll be with her."

I watch his expression change, a million emotions I can't describe. Except for defeat.

"Fuck, fine. Walk her back home. I feel the others coming here now."

He kisses my forehead and it just causes me to cry more.

"I'll be back once I deal with this," he tells me, gently as possible. He brushes some of my wet hair behind my ear.

"She isn't a body," I mumble, still swatting at my leaking eyes.

"I know, Bella, I know. I won't leave you tonight, okay?"

I don't know if I manage to nod, but Sam seems to accept whatever acknowledgment is given from me as he walks back to Jessica. I can't look at her anymore. It feels wrong to leave her like this, but the very thought of her now disintegrating makes me sick. I gag and cover my mouth.

Leah's arms wrap around my shoulders and she guides me back to my house. I still cry the entire way. The distance we walk seems both short and long. I barely remember running here now, the only thing I can see in my head is Victoria's cat-like smile and Jessica's pale face. It hurts. Too much.

I've left the door unlocked. That realization causes me to burst into tears again. I don't know why.

Leah follows me up the stairs to my room. I peel off my jacket and jeans, barely feeling the need to cover myself. She watches me crawl into my bed without saying a word. Her expression seems to be as far away as I feel. I know what she feels towards me. It is the same thing I felt towards her with her own father. Pity.

I cradle my belly, trying to feel the happiness of impending motherhood again, but it doesn't help. All I can feel is worry for my child.

Leah finally sighs.

"I'll give you time, but you do need to snap out of it eventually. Because this situation with the leech is getting worse."

"No," I groan, shaking my head. "I can't."

She looks away from me, unable to make eye contact as I continue to cry.

"Sam," I whimper.

I forget Leah's history with him until I see the sadness flicker across her face. Shame sears into my chest, but another part of me, the part that is desperate to be with him, sticks out further. I know Sam might not have been the best person in the past, especially to Leah, but I need him. I need him like I need to breathe.

"He'll come back. I'm going to stay until your dad gets here too."

I keep trying to blink back my tears.

"Thank you," is all I can muster.

Leah leaves and I listen to her heavy footsteps going down the stairs. I squeeze my eyes shut. I try not to imagine Jessica's last moments. But I know the pain of a vampire bite. I felt it with James. I can only hope it was only seconds long for her. She never had a chance.

I don't think I do either.

With Victoria's words and what Sam and Leah were alluding to, something feels wrong. Very, very wrong.

Not for the first time in my life, I become convinced I am destined to die.

Notes:

Wow, unexpected hiatus hahahaha. Deepest apologies, y'all. Unfortunately, I hit that part in my degree program where I couldn't push off doing my capstone project any longer so that came first. Sadly because I'm still working on it, I am not certain when the next update will be. I would like to have another by the end of February but I can't make any promises. Don't worry though that my interest in this absolutely has not wavered. I will finish this damn story!!

Chapter 27: Sam Part Fourteen

Summary:

"Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy." ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Who is Riley?

 

 

 

 

 

I can tell the vampire in front of me isn't listening to me at all as he extends his awareness deep into the forest. The sun dies on the horizon barely visible through all the trees. Scarlet and gold contrasting with the blue-gray of the incoming night. It would be beautiful on any other night. Now, it's suffocating.

I take a second to communicate with my pack.

"Don't engage until we know what is going on," I bark at them, their eagerness to pounce hitting me.

"We can take them," Paul spits out.

His desire to tear apart Cullen bodies ripples across the pack. Stone limbs torn off and bodies destroyed by fire. Forests free of leeches, life returning to an almost-normal. It would be a lie to say the others didn't want that as well. A lie to say I didn't.

Only then do I see a tiny movement flicker across Edward's face. I strive to ignore it for now. We don't need to explain ourselves why we might have some distrust towards their kind. Still, I'm not so dumb as to think this is the right moment for it. I cool myself, keep my thoughts on track.

"We aren't taking them. Stay behind the treaty line and wait."

They agree, even if there's grumbling.

Moments tick by.

Bella's ex-boyfriend stands like a statue in front of me. Only the wind moves through his already upturned hair.

"What is he saying?" I growl, lowly. It's difficult enough to know Edward can hear all of my thoughts even as a wolf and not respond to my questions. It's even worse knowing he can hear another's and still keep me in the dark.

I dig my paws into the ground to signal the others and I are ready to pounce if necessary. We are just as fast, just as strong, just as much of a threat.

"It's strange. He's thinking about Victoria."

The second he says that I think of Bella. Is she safe?

Edward flinches at my thoughts. A subtle movement, but it fills me with pride nonetheless. She is mine.

But Edward doesn't acknowledge that thought: "He says he knows what she's planning and he wants to defect."

Defect? Why?

The forest grows more eerily quiet.

"What is she planning?" I ask after Edward refuses to continue. I make sure to lace my intonation with as much ire as possible.

He finally turns to look at me with a grave look across his features.

His voice is hollow, almost pained: "It is what my family and I have long suspected. She's building a newborn army."

Instinct crawls up my spine. I don't know how I know, like with lots of things being a wolf, but I know this is not a good thing.

"What is that?" I demand. I sink all four of my paws deeper into the ground. Letting my nails get as much practice as possible slowly sinking into soft prey.

"Please stop trying to break my concentration. My family is waiting for me to decide if we need to take action."

"So is mine," I retort immediately.

Edward looks into my eyes deeper. The fake yellow hue sickens me further. Its only more obvious in my wolf form how utterly alien these creatures are.

"I've told him not to move, but he still wants to talk to Alice."

"Why?"

"Because of what she can do, obviously. He wants to know how she sees this ending," he spews vitriol. "But letting him talk to her would require him to cross into our territory."

Cross into territory closer to Forks. Closer to Bella…

"Absolutely not."

Edward looks away from me and back into the forest.

"We'll let her go into our land then," I offer though the wrongness of the thought shoots through me. A leech on sacred grounds…but if it keeps Bella safe, that is my priority.

"She's already on her way, it seems. She saw me agreeing with your decision."

If I haven't thought so already, I realize I truly hate vampires.

The other pack hears this thought crystal clear and agrees. I make sure they understand not to touch the witch leech while she's on this diplomatic mission. But stay ready, things can go bad in a single minute. We have to remain alert to all possibilities.

"She's close to him now. They're seeing each other in their thoughts."

I may be 24 and able to phase into a wolf regularly, but I am way too young for this weird shit.

"He's asking her to show him the future now that we can confirm the newborns are coming," Edward goes on.

"You still haven't said what a newborn is," I tell him.

"Please be quiet," he snarls. "You can figure it out."

He's right. It doesn't take much to know a newborn would be a freshly turned vamp. But why is that so important? Strongest bloodlust, I assume. Surely that would make less efficient fighters then, right?

Edward's neck strains forward. The glimpse I see of the white, freakish skin sticking out of his fancy collar makes my stomach flip. It would be the perfect spot to bite down. If he notices this instinct of mine, he doesn't react. In fact, his features grow more concerned. I feel the bile twist in my stomach, even as a wolf, I can get sick.

"Something isn't right, the future is changing. He was going to die before; that is why he wanted to detect. He must have sensed it. But why is he seeing it too?" Edward mumbles. "It's like it's in his head also."

I don't like what this guy is saying. It doesn't make sense, for one. And it seems to be freaking him out. I ready my battle stance once again. The others feel my agitation and let me know they have my back. I remind them to focus on the two leeches on our land.

Finally, Edward exclaims, "It is in his head…"

"What are you on about?" I groan.

He straightens up, almost shuts himself down completely. Worse than a statue,

"He's copying me too," Edward gapes. "He can copy all of us."

"What the fuck are you saying?" any last pretense of being polite towards him is gone as I curse inside my head. Now I'm grateful the son of a bitch can hear it.

"Our abilities…" Edward trails off. "His ability must be to duplicate. It's unheard of. Beyond powerful. Impossible."

Copy him? All of them? Is he serious?

The vampires who are already too powerful?

He can be all of them at once?

The possibilities for that kind of power wash over me. I see a thousand different angles, wholly unable to focus on anyone in particular. It becomes too much too soon.

All I can think now: what do we do?

"I'm seeing something else now, the future," Edward turns even whiter. "They're both seeing our side lose now. We all die. Bella dies."

His gold eyes don't blink. There's no doubt he's relaying the truth of what he sees.

"Not on my fucking watch," I retort. I'm snapped back to reality. I don't care if we don't have any idea what to do, we're doing something. We are not letting her die. I will throw myself off the edge of the earth, need be, anything but that.

Then his mouth parts open and I know everything has become worse somehow. He's scared. The stoic fucking brick wall is finally scared. And it scares me too with what comes out of his lips next.

"It's a distraction. He isn't leaving Victoria at all. He's covering for her."

I growl, the rage now exploding in my chest.

"Bella," the word comes from both of us at the same time.

It's only a split second that we finally look at each like we agree on something.

Time to move.

The pack takes off after the pretender. The wrath has bubbled over in all of us. Their teeth snarl, eager for bloodshed, but I don't know if they can get it tonight. All that matters is that Victoria hasn't gotten Bella. If we can get Riley for his part in all of this, fine by me. I'd happily snap his neck like all the others. Just as long as Bella is okay.

"I'm going to her," I say to Edward. He won't change my mind.

I quickly assign Paul as the pack lead while I find my mate.

Edward nods.

We both know she isn't going to want to see him.

"My family will try to get him," he says. He isn't confident.

I raise and lower my snout as acknowledgment before I take off.

Running for Bella never gets any easier. It doesn't matter how fast I push my animal body, it's never fast enough. All of a sudden every branch is on the way blocking a quicker path, the trees become more clustered, the sky loses more light. Harder, everything becomes harder. I get angrier. My body can't move as fast as my mind.

A thousand images of Bella tied up and tortured come to me. I try to focus on pictures of me tearing off the redhead's face, but it doesn't work. All I can think of is my imprint and child being at risk. It's on track to destroy me.

"I'm coming with you," Leah snarls into our connection.

"Stay, dammit," I hiss. We need everyone possible to get this guy. Wolves or vamps, I don't care anymore.

"Fuck off, Uley," she responds. "Maybe I care too."

In a moment, she's at my flank, speeding ahead of me as we barrel towards Forks. I'm being torn in half as an impending sense of doom manifests behind and ahead of me.

"Holy shit, he can hear all of us, can't he!" Embry yells.

He can probably see their location out of their thoughts. Know their next moves the second they think it.

"Follow him as best as you can," I snarl. "Run off instinct, try not to think."

An impossible task, I know. Not when wolves are pack warriors and our connection is our greatest asset. What we accomplished taking down the dark-skinned leech won't work here. None of the strategies I've theorized and made the pack train with forgo using our mental connection. It's a humbling experience, realizing we're outmatched. But how can we give up when so much rests on this?

"Veggie vamps can't get him either," Paul roars.

I'm shown images of the leech equally evading the Cullen clan's maneuvers. It's horrible to admit, but the only hope is Edward himself reading this dick's mind first. Instinct tells me not to put money on it, he's getting away regardless.

I only hope that the red-haired bitch has not been able to harm Bella during our distraction. I do more than hope, I pray.

"They planned this," I growl underneath my breath.

"No shit," Leah snaps.

There are only a few words I can use to accurately describe the anger. In the back of my head, I wonder if this is somehow my fault for wanting to confront Edward Cullen. But the pack and his family still would have ended up in the forest chasing after the scent of a new leech. It was methodically planned. Of course, we'd go after someone new all at once instead of considering that he could have been tied to Victoria. Fucking idiots, all of us.

"I'm getting ahead," Leah says. "I'll tell you if something is wrong."

She sprints faster than me even though I'm running on all adrenaline. It's impressive and I try to make a note to tell her later. She deserves the praise all of us crave. Even me, even now.

But the minutes of waiting for news might knock ten years off my life with how hard I shake from fear. My paws pound at the ground. They're rubbed raw and heal all over again. The pain is just another motivator to go faster. But I still feel as if I'm running through quicksand. Only teleportation would be fast enough to confirm Bella's status.

Leah's voice gives me the greatest relief I've felt all day: "She's safe. I'll head to the closest clothes stash for us."

There's one right by the Swan house. It was intended for emergencies just like this where I'll need a quick change. Maybe Bella would be bothered if she knew, but I can't care at the moment.

"Here's a burner phone, we'll probably need it," Leah tosses it to me.

Immediately, I understand why.

I see Bella crying over a girl's body. The subsequent relief sickens me as I realize I'm glad it's this stranger over her. It isn't right, but that's just another way the imprint rules my life. Too late to fight it here. Too late for the girl. I can already smell the beginning of human decay.

I'm almost torn to pieces as I tear Bella off the girl's body. Jessica. A name I won't forget now.

Slowly, the pieces of what happened come together. Victoria aimed for another victim close to Bella. The last warning. She's intending to finally come to her next. Leah and I both know that is what this means. She gives me a look. She alludes to what Riley is capable of, seeing it close up for a moment better than I could even through the eyes of the pack.

I can't think straight through any of this.

We need to get Bella out of here. Leah volunteers herself for the job and as much as I would rather it be me, I know I need to call the police and talk to the pack. It is hard enough trying to calm her down. I don't think I said anything right.

"Do not make it worse for her," I warn Leah in our low voice that can only be heard if you're also a wolf.

She rolls her eyes at me.

"You better come see her tonight. She's going to need you," Leah says the last part with a touch of sadness. I know I'll never be able to forget how I failed her those years ago.

"I won't forget," I finally say. And it's true, nothing can prevent me from making sure Bella will be okay. As okay as possible.

The memory of my own breakdown after Harry's murder finds me. The paralysis, the confusion. Just as difficult and unyielding circumstances.

Without warning, I jolt back to the memory of Embry's ankle getting crushed by a tree while chasing Victoria. I thought I saw someone's hands push that tree down. I don't have any doubt in my mind now who it actually was. Has he been working with her this entire time? I wouldn't be surprised. I wonder if she's had this newborn army there too.

I watch them walk off; Bella desperately leaning on Leah for support. The shock of her friend's murder destroying a piece of her sanity that I can only hope is momentary. I don't wish to see pain like that in her eyes ever again. I'll do literally anything to keep her from that kind of grief. I'll do anything to keep her happy.

There isn't much time to spare. I can't leave a dead body out in the open for long. Yet, I know whatever has happened with the leeches has been resolved by now certainly. My pack is waiting for my next orders.

I phase quickly in the nearest patch of dense wood even if the cover of night. Every golden hue from the sunset is gone now, there's only darkness.

The result of the encounter with the mega-vamp isn't a surprise. I inform them of what happened with Bella, Victoria, and Jessica as well. The reactions to another drained body aren't pretty. I can't give any words of comfort, only that we're all grateful Victoria didn't choose another of our family as the target.

"It was a lost cause, boss," Jared tells me.

"I know," I say. "I know you did your best."

Generally, everyone agrees and commiserates together. I see more images of the leech being able to outmaneuver a second in advance where one of us was planning to attack. The shock of his abilities hasn't hit me even now. And of course, I wonder that if this is what Riley can do just by being near Edward, then Edward himself must be quite a fighter. But Riley can copy everyone's powers all at once.

"You didn't do your best," Jacob growls.

His attitude strikes a chord within me. The chord of pent-up anger of the fact I could have lost my imprint today.

"Would you rather I didn't go after Bella to make sure she's safe?" I hiss at him.

Jacob scoffs, "That isn't what I mean."

"Please do be clear, we're all eager to hear what you have to say."

Everyone's mind stills. There are the occasional flashes of someone worrying we're about to fight. Well, that'll entirely be up to Jacob Black. I have no qualms about scheduling a time to kick his ass after I see Bella again.

"You can't just be okay with him getting away," Jacob presses. "He's going to come back."

"When did I say I didn't know what?" I seethe.

The possibilities of what he and Victoria could do to Bella, Forks, the people on our sacred land, have been eating at me.

"You're the Alpha, it's your job to figure out how to handle this."

I could almost laugh.

"My job? How exactly do you propose I deal with this then? Even the Cullens have never seen anyone do what he can. Was I just supposed to pull a solution out of thin air on the spot?"

"Then you should have recognized how fucked we are!" Jacob barks into our connection. "You ran off and could have let us get fucking killed by that guy."

"He wasn't planning to kill you. He was the goddamn distraction. But you're right, he and the bitch will come back. So screw your head back on and see the bigger picture here."

There's a threat in my voice and I'm certain everyone can hear it. I'll drop Jacob the second he becomes a liability. My original belief that more wolves always equals better was wrong if this one continually questions my authority.

"Whatever. I'm going to make sure my dad is alright. Maybe he knows something since you seem clueless."

He's phased back to human before I have a chance to respond.

I snarl for a moment before I can compose myself.

As if the bastard still doesn't have suggestive thoughts about her that I do my best to ignore. He can act tough all he wants, I know he still cares for her. Maybe he's just angry I'm the only one that gets to do it openly.

"Alright, everyone head back to wherever you want to rest for a couple of hours. Then the regular patrol schedule will need to start up again."

They all groan.

"We have to be even more vigilant now."

I'm grateful that Charlie Swan isn't the one who picks up when I call the police. I explain the situation to a clearly underpaid and underprepared deputy. He doesn't seem to believe me at first until I mention the condition of the body. There's a hefty silence as he agrees to call in the necessary teams.

The ambulance is first, but they can't do anything. They step away quickly after that to let the next group secure the scene. I know they won't find any evidence either, but I watch closely how the process is done. Yellow tape, numbered pieces of evidence. The occasional flash of photography. It makes it easy to forget this was a person Bella cared about.

Charlie arrives last. I half wonder if the news spreads quickly throughout Forks from a secretary or someone else who works at the station. He looks as if he's had to make a series of difficult calls. He wipes his face down to shake off the shock that's come on. I take the moment to approach him after talking to all the other officers nearby. Surprisingly, a few remembered I was the one to bring Bella back when she disappeared. But Charlie makes no mention of it.

"Bella found her. I had Leah Clearwater take her back to your house before I called you."

"And how did you know about this?" he questions.

Sometimes I think it isn't right that I can lie so easily on command now.

"She called me, very clearly upset. Leah and I figured we'd better come here. It was worse than I thought."

The last part is the greatest lie. It was actually much better than I guessed. Only one person was killed. I considered that it could have been Bella, despite the effort Victoria is clearly putting in to save everything for some sick grand finale. That worry won't ever dissipate.

"Are you Bella's friend too?" Charlie raises his eyebrows. It's pointed. I understand what he's hinting at.

I straighten up a little bit as I answer yes.

"She's never mentioned you that way," he replies, narrowing his eyes further.

The chief of police doesn't look like he believes me. I can't blame him. Not sure I could trust anyone who claims to be close to Bella either, especially someone who is implying he is more than friends. Not that I could define what that more is, other than expectant parents, of course. I swallow thinking of the fact I could tell Charlie now, but it would only make it worse for her. She deserves to do it how she wants.

"Shit," Charlie curses as he runs a hand through his hair. "She'll need to make a statement."

I nod.

"It looks identical to the animal attacks we had a year back."

I don't say anything to that. It might have even been the same creature responsible. The thought fills me with disgust. I should have been there for all of those incidents. Maybe Jacob Black is right in his criticisms of me. I'm easily distracted.

"Do me a favor and warn Billy, okay?" Charlie's rough voice pulls me out of my head. He's sincere in his concern, but he never seems to want to show it. A common trait for the older men in my life.

"Always." And I mean that completely. Billy has my full respect and as much protection as we can possibly extend. Even if his son is a shithead, he's a good man. One of the best, like Harry.

Charlie heads back to the station. I imagine he'll have to inform Jessica's parents now. A job I wouldn't wish on anyone, save for Victoria, who if she was human, I would force her to stare directly into the consequences. But those kinds of creatures don't care even if you tried to make them. A hopeless pursuit. You're dealing with something less than human.

When the area clears further, I walk the short distance back to Bella's house. The door is unlocked and I immediately don't like that. I make sure it's locked before I walk upstairs, careful to make my footsteps loud so I don't sneak up on her.

The house in general is quite small. Mine now is only bigger because I designed it. My mom's house is even tinier. But due to the size, I can figure out which room is Bella's right away.

I only get to look around her room for a second, but it looks like her. Reserved, yet full of hidden meaning. There are pictures of her friends. The very same girl I saw drained and lying on the road not an hour ago. Jessica.

I have to look away. The urge to find her beautiful brown eyes becomes overwhelming. I search her face to make sure not a single hair has been tampered with. It's hard to tell when she's been crying into her pillow, however. Not that I can blame her.

"You came," Bella sniffles, refusing to look at me directly as she rubs her tears.

I could say many different things, but none of them seem to be quite right. So I take her into my arms as she sobs into my chest again.

"She was a good friend," Bella cries. "I wasn't."

I lift her chin and brush away her tangled hair, "I'm sure she loved you, Bella. How could anyone not?"

Somehow that only makes her cry harder.

"Let's get you to bed," I say.

She's too tired to resist. I know how broken heartbreak can make a person. Bella knows it too. But it's different than when someone chooses to leave you. This kind of grief isn't mendable, it only grows more recognized with time.

I tuck Bella into her purple bedspread, making sure it covers her shoulders as she shivers. I sit on the edge of her bed until I can hear her breathing even out until my own eyes droop with the insurmountable weight I'm carrying.

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh," Bella whispers.

It's enough to immediately wake me up, even if my eyelids are still unable to fully lift. Sleeping next to her envelopes me in such a warmth that I never want to leave. It's complete, it's home. I could fall back into a happier dreamland every time I'm near her.

"Oh."

The shock in her voice wakes me up the rest of the way. I bolt forward to get a better look at her. Though her face is still red and puffy from crying, she doesn't look quite so heartbroken anymore. But her eyebrows pull together, something is off.

"What?" I ask.

Bella's oval brown eyes find mine. Her hand rapidly falls to her stomach. The movement sends panic through me. Is something wrong? Is she in pain? I'd pick her up and immediately take her to the hospital, Charlie be damned.

Her mouth parts and I realize it's not fear that her face shows. Something else. Something like awe.

"Sam!" she whispers my name. "I can feel something."

It clicks.

I'm about to reach for her belly, but she's quicker. She wraps her tiny fingers against my own and beckons me forward. The feeling of the swell is still so foreign and utterly devastating. How could I have created something so miraculous, something so perfect with this woman in front of me? And now, she can feel it too.

"There," Bella moves our hands to the right, more glorious concave surface for me to explore. She presses our hands deep into her skin where I become nervous that anything other than the gentlest touch is risky. But she seems so sure, so concentrated in her focus.

My mouth goes dry.

A half-crying sound comes from her lips. I can't tell if it's laughter or a sob.

"What does it feel like?" I ask.

She looks up at me, surprised, "You can't feel it?"

Bella is unable to hide the smallest of frowns on her face. I wish I could feel our baby's movements right now, I truly do. I read enough to know it doesn't happen right away for the father, of course.

"I will in a few weeks I'm sure," I try to smile, but everything is so painfully raw that I'm not sure if it works.

She nods, "I guess it makes sense. It feels like flutters. Like tickles, but coming from inside. It doesn't feel real."

By now, Bella's eyes have glazed over. I'm quick to wipe the first tear away. She keeps her hand on top of mine over her belly. I'm not sure I could move it now anyway. I need to be close to her, to them. It's the instincts of the wolf. But it is also the still-present disbelief of the man. That if I move an inch or look away, my dreams will vanish. Dreams I kept so hidden inside me I was certain I'd never reach again.

"It's amazing," she finally sniffles.

"You're amazing," I say back without hesitation.

Her cheeks turn pink.

"Both of you," I clarify. "All of this."

More tears fall down her face and I use my free hand to catch them all.

"I don't want to lose this," she cries.

"You aren't going to," I swear.

She shakes her head, "I thought, I thought…"

Bella mumbles incomprehensibly. I wait until she can gather her thoughts. The terror has clearly returned and it hurts to feel so powerless in my ability to make it better for her. Bella whispers a weighty confession.

"I thought she would have taken just me. I offered, after the baby would be born. But I think she wants everyone."

My teeth grind together as she says that. Yet, I know now isn't the time to press her on her apparent death wish.

"Well, she isn't going to have everyone. Least of all you, or this baby."

My hand tightens around her, where our child rests.

"I don't know how to stop her," she sobs.

"That isn't your responsibility."

"She's after me, I have to help."

"No," my voice grows stern. "Your responsibility is to stay healthy right now."

"You sound like Rosalie," she groans.

I chuckle at that, but Bella doesn't share my smile. She grows cold, her eyes wide with fear. And I can't tell her it's unfounded. We might be going up against an enemy the legends never considered. Nothing was written in any of the journals for this. No one had ever warned us it could get this dangerous.

"I'm scared, Sam," she admits.

I finally move my hand from her belly to cup her face.

"We are going to defeat her, Bella. We will find a way," I say with as much conviction as I can muster. It doesn't matter that the worry gathering at the base of my neck nearly paralyzes me. I know the odds aren't good anymore if they ever were. Now that this Riley kid can copy everything the Cullen bastards can do, it makes this 'vegetarian' family even more of a liability.

But Victoria doesn't have what I do: the total need to protect my family. Hers is gone, she's only left with an all-consuming rage. But she's threatened everything I hold dear. I'll find a way to make it even.

Notes:

Wow, it feels like it's been a while! I was swapped with work and school way more than expected, but I really wanted to get this chapter out! Things are getting more complicated now that Riley is here. I wanted to make him even more of a threat by giving him the greatest powers I could think of (basically Rogue/Hope Summers from X-Men if you're into that). Anyway, thanks for bearing with me for the irregular updates. I'd love to get back to a schedule of about once a week, but that probably isn't possibly as I gear up for graduation. Luckily I do have a few words of the next chapter already!

Chapter 28: Bella Part Fourteen

Summary:

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." ― William Shakespeare

Notes:

A recap since it has been so long: Following Sam imprinting on Bella and her drug/alcohol abuse after Edward's abandonment, Sam and Bella have just about fallen in love, made especially prevalent due to their impending parenthood together. However, trouble brews due to the emergence of Victoria who has killed Harry Clearwater and just recently Jessica Stanley. The Cullens have returned to Forks as Alice saw a vision of Bella breaking the hypnosis she, Edward, and Jasper tried to put on her. Additionally, the situation has worsened as it's been discovered that Victoria's accomplice, Riley, may be the most powerful vampire like ever due to his ability to copy the powers of anyone else when they are near. Coupled with the creation of the newborn army, it will be very difficult to find a solution! Fingers crossed for our star-crossed lovers!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Shock. Pain. Despair.

It's all that remains.

 

 

 

 

 

I can't conceptualize loss anymore. I can't define it. I only know how it feels. A gaping hole in the middle of my chest. Everything happy or even content sucked right in to never return. There aren't words anymore; if there ever were.

 

 

 

 

 

I am alone for a long time. I hear Charlie and other officers shuffle around inside the dining room. I might even hear him come up and hesitate to knock on my door. I know he hears me sob and I know it makes him feel as helpless as he felt when I reacted to Edward first leaving. It makes me cry more. Eventually, the sounds downstairs disappear.

Then Sam comes into my room and cradles me as I struggle to breathe.

But not even he can make the pain stop.

 

 

 

 

 

Jessica's lifeless face haunts my dreams.

 

 

 

 

I know what a vampire bite feels like. I know the agony she must have been in until those very last seconds.

 

 

 

 

 

An abyss surrounds me. I can't think. I can't feel. I can only suffer. Boundless blackness. A never-ending hollow chasm.

 

 

 

 

 

But then, I do feel something. It snaps me awake.

 

 

 

 

 

Like a grasshopper running across my skin, a feather tickling my stomach. But entirely from the inside.

 

 

 

 

 

I know exactly what it is. And it propels me to cry all over again. Even if the tears can't come anymore, my chest heaves with shock.

Sam wakes up.

My body works quicker than my mind. I'm grabbing his hand and pulling him near before I can even think the steps through.

The look of awe he gives me shatters my heart again. I don't deserve it. Our baby does, but not me.

 

 

 

 

 

Emotion overwhelms. Secrets spill from my lips.

Sam's eyes grow hard and disappointed when I admit that I offered to let Victoria take me if it meant saving everyone else. I know he isn't wrong to be mad, but I can't regret it if the chance that it worked would have come true.

But the most painful thing to admit is just how scared I am. I'm terrified. I'm terrified because I'm worse than a liability in all of this. I'm useless. And it could get everyone killed.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe an hour after dawn, loud knocking wakes us up. There's just enough sunlight for me to have a half-second glance at Sam's glowing auburn skin and be surprisingly grateful that the impenetrable diamonds of cold vampire skin aren't the thing beside me. But realization comes over right after.

I reach over and cover Sam's mouth before he can move. His eyes grow wide before he understands a second later.

My throat burns, but I still call out, "Yeah?"

Charlie clears his throat. "Hey, Bells. May I come in?"

I release Sam and sit up in bed, "Uh, no, not right now. I need to get dressed first."

It's not a complete lie, only not the full truth. It's just enough for him not to push the issue. I can visualize Charlie nodding right outside my door, right down to the minute hairs on his mustache that he brushes with his fingers when he feels awkward. Which is often, just like me.

"Alright, well, look. I'm going to need to take you down to the station so you can make a statement about your friend. Sorry to ask, Bells. I know it's a lot."

My eyes squeeze shut. If possible, my throat grows drier. I don't know if I can speak.

But I feel the warmth of Sam's arm fall over my shoulders and squeeze me just enough to ground me back on Earth.

His obsidian eyes glow with the same magic that encompasses his whole being.

"Okay," I tell Charlie. "I'll be down in a minute."

We wait until Charlie's footsteps indicate he's downstairs.

Sam looks at me.

"Sorry," I mouth to him. I make myself slide out of bed.

It's a chore to get dressed when my whole body aches. I know it's only partly from stress and partly from pregnancy. The symptoms shift to be less painful, but never fully comfortable.

Sam looks at me curiously. His Adam's apple bobs in his throat. His eyes are large, but not particularly smoldering like they were the night of the party. He looks at my chest and at my belly. My whole body burns. I ache to touch him again.

"I'll text you later," I finally tell him.

He nods, not saying anything else until he gets to the ledge of my window. Looking back at me, he makes my heart skip again, "I'll wait for you."

 

 

 

 

 

Talking to the police isn't as hard as I expected. I would never have pegged myself as becoming a better liar through all of this.

No, I didn't see anyone.

No, I didn't see anything.

Could it have been an animal? They ask me.

What else could it have been? I respond.

In a way, I wonder if this is the first time I've ever asked myself that question relating to what they are. It hurts a very deep and hidden part of me that I didn't know was there.

The deputy hands me a box of tissues. He looks like he's considering patting me on the shoulder, but I won't let him get close. I can't even let Charlie hug me right now or he'll find out about my condition. So instead he walks me out with an arm over my shoulders as I hug my orange backpack close to my chest.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not prepared for the sight at school. Everyone is outside, tears streaming down their faces. Already, pictures of Jessica's happy face are hung up around.

Never forget: Jessica Ann Stanley. Our Class Valedictorian.

The tears well in my eyes again and I'm forced to turn away. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mike, Eric, and Angela, but I don't go near them. Instead, my arms wrap around my backpack straps, shaking

How can I ever forget?

Mike catches me off guard. He's embracing me before I know it. Then he immediately pulls back from our hug with a strange expression on his face. He looks down at my middle, and I'm careful to pull my shirt fabric back over my expanding body. His eyes widen but I catch his gaze back up to my face.

"Later," I mouth to him. I hope he sees the pleading in my eyes to not mention this to anyone else. Angela tugs him away.

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone at school knows I'm the last person who talked to Jess. The person who invited her over to my house. The person responsible.

They aren't wrong.

Maybe that makes it hurt the worst.

I've had enough.

I bolt to the bathroom the same way I used to during my first trimester morning sickness. But this time I just dry heave from shock in one of the stalls.

I fumble for my barely used phone in my backpack. Sam's contact pops up immediately. Just seeing his name saved on my phone surprisingly gives me just an ounce of relief.

Can you pick me up after dinner with my dad? I think it's time we talk to the Cullens.

The message hurts to send to Sam. I don't know exactly why I don't want to bring him around all of them, but I know it needs to be done. Rosalie is right. He replies quickly.

Okay. Let me know when.

Hearing from him is enough to put a little bit of stability back into my legs. I leave the bathroom and find Eric, Mike, and Angela at lunch. We all sit together, but no one says anything.

I only break the silence momentarily by making noise while I text Rosalie of my intention to bring Sam over tonight. She also responds fast, affirming I'm making a smart decision.

As if any of my decisions lately have been smart. It feels as if everything I've done lately has just been reactive. Useless.

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie is surprisingly home after I get back from school. He's talking to various people on the phone but I can feel him watch me curiously as I make dinner.

There's only so much longer I can wear baggy sweaters as the weather warms up a little. I'm finally grateful Forks rains so much that I can at least stay slightly bundled up for now. The paranoia of him finding out about the baby is slowly driving me insane. I do need to tell him soon.

Dinner is another awkward affair, but I remember I should at least let him know that Sam is coming to get me.

Charlie's eyebrows perk at the mention of Sam, much like they used to with Edward. Only with much less disdain.

"Sam Uley?" he asks.

I nod.

"That's right," he mumbles. "He said you called him right after you, uh, found your friend."

I swallow and try to remain calm while looking into his eyes. Charlie is too perceptive for his own good. For my own good.

"Well, Billy continues to speak highly of him," Charlie finally shrugs. He's probing me for more information, but now isn't the time to get into it. I can only hope my face isn't turning too red.

"He's going to bring me to Leah Clearwater's house," I lie. "Because, um, she knows how it feels."

The allusion to Harry causes my dad to tense up. He looks at me more seriously now. "You can talk to me, you know, Bella. I'll, uh, always listen."

I reach across the dining table and hold his hand. It takes him by surprise. "I know, Dad. Thank you, I mean it."

 

 

 

 

 

Sam picks me up in his construction van. It's the first thing that nearly brings a smile to me all day.

We don't talk on the ride to the Cullens' though. I don't even bring up how it's interesting Sam seems to already know where they live. But I chalk it up to wolf scent abilities; another reminder of what sort of insane world I'm living in.

Finally, when for the second time today, I can't take this burning anymore, I reach over and squeeze Sam's hand. He's momentarily frozen but soon squeezes back. Our fingers intertwine for the rest of the ride.

 

 

 

 

 

The sun is almost below the horizon now.

Esme is the first to greet us outside. She radiates warmth and hugs me tightly. I hug back, letting myself burrow into her neck and smelling her perfume. She did always know which scents to wear to appear most human.

"I have missed you so much, Bella. Leaving you wasn't right," she looks back up at the house where everyone else resides. Her voice grows quiet, "What they didn't wasn't right."

"It's okay," I say.

She shakes her head but doesn't press the issue. I see her offer a small smile to Sam as she leads us inside.

Just as I feared, the first person whose eyes I seek out inside is Alice. But I tear myself away from her gaze immediately. I don't know what emotion she's displaying. It doesn't seem right to call it guilt or regret, but it is undoubtedly uncomfortable.

My stomach drops. The memories of that night press into me. I don't want to think about whether Alice feels guilt or not. She didn't seem affected at the moment. I'm going to get nauseous if I think about it anymore.

I find Jasper next. In the split second I stare at him, he looks even more in pain than he usually does. So I move my eyes to Rosalie. I won't chance trying to look at him right now.

"Hello again, Bella. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you," Carlisle greets me inside and helps me take off my coat.

I don't know how many more I'm sorry's I can take today. I just nod and will myself to say anything other than thank you.

"This is Sam," I look at him and then back to the Cullens. "He's the father."

The words burn my throat, but they all comprehend what it means. Rosalie reacts the least, of course. The others don't blink as they take in the sight of both of us standing together.

But I hear a sickening crunch and find Edward holding on tight to the giant wooden dining table in the middle of the room. I know enough that he's likely broken a piece of it. His gaze only centers on Sam. For the latter's part, he stands tall and broad and refuses to break from my side. Neither looks at me much, only each other.

"Edward, be polite," Esme coos at him. He only loosens his grip on her table a bit. I can still hear the hissing of wood fracturing. I try not to wince at it, definitely not picturing myself under that hold.

"Oh, come on," Rosalie rolls her eyes. "It's a baby, what did it ever do to you?"

Emmett chuckles, "It's not the baby, babe. It's how it was made."

"Not helping," she hisses at him.

My cheeks burn and I look at the ground. I can't even imagine what Sam must be thinking. And I still haven't heard a word or any sound from Edward himself. Later, I know I'm going to be putting this moment in the top ten most embarrassing moments I've had to ever endure.

Carlisle finally straightens his posture and walks over to Sam, extending a hand and offering a genuine smile. Sam looks surprised.

"Well, let me extend my congratulations then, Sam."

The two shake hands, but Sam's reserved features barely break to show any gratitude.

"I can remember the nerves I felt upon realizing I would be a new father myself," Carlisle smiles over at Esme who beams in response. "But a very worthwhile endeavor if I might say."

I almost smack myself upon remembering the real reason we're here, "Uh, Sam is also the Alpha, by the way."

Carlisle nods again, "Of course. You must be very worried about Bella."

"Yes."

It's the first word Sam has said this entire time. But he leaves no doubt that he means it. I feel my cheeks grow even hotter. The awareness of my body increases to new levels. I wonder if Sam or anyone else even notices.

Still, I cross my arms and try to plead my case. "But I'm worried about everyone. I can't be responsible for any more deaths."

Carlisle's features droop. In fact, everyone does. I look around the room hurriedly, trying to understand what's going on. Even Sam looks away from my

"We're all dedicated to keeping you safe, Bella," Carlise explains softly. "And none of it is your fault."

Multiple pairs of golden eyes all look between themselves.

"What's wrong?" I ask, feeling a worsening dread.

Sam takes a step toward me. I can feel his breathing on my back. Despite the warmth, I wrap my arms around my shoulders to stop any incoming shaking.

"Alice," Carlisle finally gestures to her. Her sharp golden eyes look up to find mine. It's the first time we've looked at each other since they've come back. My stomach flops. "Please describe what we've long suspected."

She shifts her golden gaze from me to Sam. The flicker of distrust lasts barely long enough for me to catch. I worry my lip between my teeth.

"It's a newborn army."

Sickness pools at the base of my spine. I don't know what that is, but her tone tells me enough.

"And the other vampire?" Sam asks pointedly. Other vampire?

"Stronger than anything we've ever seen before," Carlisle adds. "He can copy everyone's ability. Coming in contact with Edward and Alice cemented their plan with the newborns."

The information coming from Carlisle won't seep into my brain properly. Copying people's abilities? Clearly, he means copying Edward and Alice, who are already so powerful. I try to shake the thought off for now.

"But what's a newborn army?" I ask, annoyed again that the conversation always seems to tiptoe around me. I close to cross my arms and tap my feet like a disgruntled teacher, despite the fear coursing through me.

Jasper is the one to speak up, "When a vampire turns, they are at the height of their strength and speed. And bloodlust. They are nearly impossible to control, but some vampires have used groups of them to steal large territories, as in the Spanish American War. Victoria is creating her army of newborns," he says the last part with an expression I can only describe as brokenhearted, "to come after you."

My throat hitches. I stumble backward and bump into Sam's thick chest. He catches my arm effortlessly to steady my movement. I look up to see Edward's glare increase, for me or Sam, I can't tell. I try to look at anything else but him.

Esme immediately walks over to me with concerned features, "Bella, can I get you some water to drink?"

I nod.

She's back faster than I can blink, handing me a glass and pulling out a dining chair for me to sit in. I let her guide me and watch me take a big enough sip. Everyone else watches me as well, despite the awkwardness of my drinking. I only make eye contact with the floor. The words bubbling in my chest fight to break free.

"It's not just me," I finally say. "Victoria said she aims to 'annihilate' all of you too."

No one says anything else.

I sip more water until a realization hits me again. Something Rosalie said to me days ago.

"This other vampire…" I trail off.

"Riley," Edward bites out. I look back up at him. His voice still unnerves me, especially with the malice.

"If Alice can't see the wolves in her visions, then he can't either," I deduce.

Sam frowns at me and I shoot him an apologetic look for forgetting to tell him this. He softens up, only slightly.

Alice's eyes narrow at Rosalie, but she still responds, "He managed to discover that last night too. It's not enough to change the future. Right now, it looks like they are going to win."

My eyes squeeze shut. My brain can't process everything. And I know everyone keeps looking at me, which makes it all worse. I rub my temples to stop the incoming headache.

"We are not defenseless, Bella," Jasper asserts once again. "I have experience fighting and defeating newborns. We will teach these skills to your pack."

He directs the last bit towards Sam, who nods in response, "We are ready."

Alice scowls, "It won't be enough."

"Don't say that," Esme interjects. "The stress isn't good for Bella."

"She's right," Rosalie says. "We need to think of a way to get Bella out of here."

"There are still the tickets to Jacksonville," Edward finally says in a complete sentence, still, he is only looking at me.

The memories of my failed birthday hit me across the face. I could visit my mother, sure. That would definitely require explaining that I'm pregnant, which I know is an eventuality anyway. But could I leave everyone while they have to go through with all this? It doesn't seem right, even if I am far more of a liability than aid in battle.

Alice rubs her temples exasperatedly, "They'll know instantly she isn't here."

"So what?" Rosalie hisses.

"They'll destroy the entire town," Alice rolls her eyes. "And then just track Bella down somewhere else."

Esme clutches at her chest, in what I can only assume is a force of habit since her heart has long stopped beating, "But surely the Volturi wouldn't stand for that."

"But if there are no survivors, they won't get involved," Jasper responds, looking pained to say so. Suddenly, I recognize this expression to be the same one that he wore that night with Edward and Alice.

I almost shake my head to snap myself out of the thought. There are greater pressing manners than wondering what Jasper feels about it.

"What's the Volturi?" I ask. "Victoria mentioned that word to me too."

No one immediately says anything for a second. I look back up at Sam who seems just as perplexed as I am.

"What did she say about them?" Edward asks me, intense eyes demanding an answer.

I won't keep it from him: "I think, maybe, that they'd kill me instantly if they knew? She wasn't clear what."

Both Sam and Edward's expressions harden at the information, but the vampire looks more concerned. In fact, the rest of the Cullens look equally unhappy.

A deep sigh comes from Carlisle, who effortlessly once again takes the lead in our conversation. All bodies pivot to listen to him.

"The Volturi believe in killing any human who knows about the existence of vampires; it helps keep our kind free from a coordinated human attack that would plunge the world into chaos. They are a kind of royal class, our government really, all vampires must answer to them. Victoria knows if they learn about you being aware of vampires and still remaining human, they will insist on killing you or demanding you turn immediately."

"Yeah," I sadly agree. "She said she wouldn't tell because she'd rather kill me slowly."

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to replay my conversation with her just moments before discovering Jessica's body.

Carlisle steps toward me and smiles in an affirming manner, "We've actually been wondering why the Volturi have been allowing Victoria to create her army. The risks for exposing the secret of vampirism are quite high with many newborns collected in one area."

"What's the reason then?" Sam asks.

"They have been jealous of Edward and Alice's powers, even Jasper's too, for a long time. Aro, the leader, collects vampires with special abilities to create the strongest layer of protection possible for him. But there are obviously still some gaps. If Edward and Alice can not be compelled to join his guard, the Volturi may hope they can be killed by Victoria's army. Additionally, this Riley character must also change their calculus considerably, if they know of his existence."

"They have to," Alice asserts. "Victoria likely offered to hand him over once their business with us is over."

I take another sip of water, which I immediately regret. It stops all conversation as everyone turns to look at me partaking in another human necessity. I finally give up and put the glass back on the table, standing up once again. Esme looks at me worryingly but I make a gesture to let her know I'm fine now.

"Alright, we'll count your leaders out then." Sam grunts. He moves slowly in my direction, but my skin sizzles and I can't let myself move towards him when everyone else is watching. I'm sure my face is stark red. "What plan do we have now?"

"Their plan is to distract the bulk of our forces with the newborns," Alice says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "They know we would likely put Bella in a location far away from the fighting, most likely with Edward to guard her. That's where Victoria and Riley would go without any obstruction."

"Great, so we'll just do something different!" Emmett exclaims like everything is suddenly solved. I don't allow that flicker of hope to bubble in my chest though.

No one looks like they agree.

"That isn't so simple either," Alice nearly hisses at him. "When we came into close enough contact with each other, we both witnessed hundreds of scenarios happening. They win in all of them. They know we'd choose to keep Bella in a separate location while most of us attack the newborns because in most other scenarios, failing to do so means Forks is the nearest target for their hunger. It's our best choice if we want to save the most lives."

"That's not happening," Edward growls. His fists are balled and his almost shaking with rage. My mouth falls open to see him so close to an outburst.

"As much as I don't like you, I have to agree," Sam adds with the same level of anger in his voice, but clearly more control. "Figure something else out."

"Like what?" Alice snaps. "Riley will know any plan the second he comes near us. And then he'll just tell Victoria"

Sam walks toward her, "We have time to figure out another way."

His posture is threatening, enough to scare me, but it doesn't move Alice an inch. Despite being at least a foot and half-shorter, she doesn't budge one bit. Maybe she believes she's stronger. Maybe she's right.

"They are going to be here in less than two weeks!" she yells back.

"Alice, come on," Edward interjects. "You know this is an unacceptable outcome to me."

I almost scoff at that.

"I didn't say we'd roll over and let her die!" she moans. "Just that this is the best strategy for now!"

The whole room explodes with everyone's voices trying to outmatch the next.

"Alright everyone, please remain calm," Carlise attempts to soothe the atmosphere.

"Remain calm!" I hear Rosalie yell. "When Bella and that baby are in danger!"

"What else can we do?!"

"Stop!" I yell as loud as I can across the room.

The arguing simmers down as everyone looks at me.

"I'll do it, okay?" I throw my hands up. "If they are expecting me to be somewhere during the fight, that's obviously the best place for me to go."

"Don't be ridiculous," Edward says. I try to look at him, but won't even look back.

His tone snaps something inside of me.

"I can make my own choices," I shoot back, this time it's my fists that ball up. Keep calm, Bella. I take a deep breath and try to think: "Maybe Alice is right about trying to keep everyone else safe. I'm not a strategist, okay? But if Riley's powers work when he's around other vampires with powers, then we just need to keep them separated, right?"

The seconds tick by. Embarrassment floods my cheeks.

"It's a good start, Bella," Carlisle finally says. "But it isn't your responsibility to try to figure it all out, alright?"

"I've already thought of this," I hear Alice quietly bemoan in what I can only assume is in response to my idea. My stomach shrinks and a hand falls on my swollen abdomen. I have to try something, for my baby, at the very least. I don't know if she understands that, however. And she might not ever.

"I think for right now, our best course of action is to have Jasper train your pack to fight the newborns," Carlisle decrees. "Will you all be free tomorrow afternoon?"

Sam straightens up, "Yes."

"Great, then I think it's time for you and Bella to get as much rest as you can," he states. "We do have more time to think and plan," he says the last bit at Alice. "Not all hope is lost."

I try to smile and nod but I don't think it works.

Rosalie is the first to walk up to me and put a hand on my shoulder, "Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Rose," I say back to her.

Her eyes flicker down to my stomach, but then back up to my face where she gives me a genuine look of sorrow. I bite down on my lip and try not to wonder if she really does think my fate here is hopeless.

Emmett surrounds me in another gentle bear hug that still almost knocks me off my feet. When he releases me, Edward and Alice have already left the room. Jasper hovers at a considerable distance, another vampire refusing to look at me.

Esme hugs me as well, "I hope you can relax a bit back at home."

I smile at her and promise I'll try. Without thinking, I glance up at Sam's chiseled but soft face. The instincts in me argue that I might not ever be able to relax with him. But the thought sends more goosebumps of embarrassment across my flesh.

Carlisle stops me at the front door, "Bella, I am not sure I've had the chance yet to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. And you as well, Sam, for the elder in your tribe. Victoria has taken too much already."

"Thank you," I say. It comes out far more scratchy than I intend.

"And if you need OB/GYN care, please do not hesitate to ask. I can bring equipment here so you have all the privacy you need."

"Oh, okay, thank you," I blush looking up at Sam who remains unreadable. But we both feel the sudden desire to see another picture of our baby. It's as clear as day when I look into his eyes.

"Have a good night, Dr. Cullen," Sam says as our final goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

Sam drives me back to my house. Again, we don't speak on the drive back, only holding hands. But when he pulls up to my house, I can't seem to unbuckle and leave.

"I am not going to let you die," he tells me, eyes burning in such an intense way that all breath leaves my lungs.

It takes me a second to recuperate. "I know," I answer.

He looks down at my abdomen and I blush, again.

"How are you?" Sam asks.

I take his hand once again and let it sit on my belly. "I think we're okay. Can you feel anything now?"

He shakes his head and smiles softly, "Can you?"

"Barely," I chuckle a little bit. "It hasn't been as strong as it was last night, and that wasn't even super noticeable."

"It'll get there."

"I hope so," I whisper.

"It will."

 

 

 

 

 

I spend the next day of school in a similar state as yesterday, but the feeling of Sam lightly touching me, my belly, my hands, even my face, sears into my skin. He's all I think about when I'm not still crying over Jessica and panicking over the future.

I know Sam is going to pick me up from school, but I'm still gobsmacked when I see him lingering at the edge of the parking lot with no shirt on. Immediately, I look back at Eric, Mike, and Angela, who all gape at us with open mouths. My face must be beet red. I know that at least Mike and Angela are putting together who Sam is to me, and Eric may know of my condition by now too.

Sam doesn't smirk at me as Edward or Jacob might have. His small smile is genuine and does actually lighten my mood. But still, I have to hiss at him for showing up half-naked on school grounds.

Finally, he laughs, "If we're training today then I'll need to be able to discard my clothes quickly."

He didn't bring his van this time so I toss him the keys to my truck and let him lead me away from Forks High. I'm looking behind my back repeatedly and other students are beginning to notice too. We speed away at a reasonable past and I'm thankful again I'm not experiencing Edward's driving.

I don't try to hold Sam's hand today. Instead, I spend the ride to the Cullen's house with my head straight forward and my legs firmly crossed.

 

 

 

 

 

Esme has sandwiches prepared. I can't help myself from taking one and Sam does as well. He actually smiles slightly at her and my heart beats harder in my chest. Carlisle and Esme, despite the nature of vampires in general, are good people. The rest of the Cullens hover on the porch waiting for us to finish. I try to keep my back turned.

Sam touches me on the shoulder and I jump at the contact.

"I'm going to need to phase now and rally the others to our training point," he looks down at me with serious eyes. "Will you be alright?"

Esme links arms with me, "Don't worry, I'll be taking care of her." She winks at me and I blush worse.

Sam leaves and I breathe in through my nose to try to calm myself.

The other Cullens are suddenly all around me. But only Rosalie and Emmett seem to acknowledge me at all. And as Rosalie stares at me, it's clear what her focus is on. I wrap my arms around my stomach in response.

"Let's go," Jasper says, looking down at me a second too long as he passes. Esme and I are left to trail behind the group, which I'm perfectly fine with.

While Esme does offer to carry me and run instantaneously to the meeting spot, I decline. I don't want the effort to somehow bring back my nausea. Esme smiles and tells me she understands completely. I want to ask her about her baby, but the thought of losing mine even right now hurts so much that I can't imagine she wants to talk about it. So I keep my lips pressed together.

As a result, we're the last to arrive at the clearing. A new place in the near-infinite forest I haven't seen before.

I see Sam's wolf before anyone else's. He's the largest of them and the darkest in color, solid black. I can find Jacob next, remembering that he's russet. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of the others. And it suddenly pains me that I am not sure I could tell them apart as humans either. I need to work better on that since I know they are all so important to Sam. And with how they all wait behind him, I can tell Sam is just as important to them.

"Can you translate?" Carlisle asks Edward who just nods in response. His face remains expressionless and I look away from him, for the millionth time since I've had to see him again.

Carlisle directs his attention to the large pack of wolves, "Thank you all for coming. As you are aware, we need to prepare for the newborn army. Thankfully, Jasper here has experience dealing with this type of vampire. We are in the best of hands."

Jasper doesn't waste a second stepping out to the center stage. It takes me by surprise how natural he looks leading when he so far has seemed content to stay in the periphery. I think I remember Edward once telling me how Jasper spent time in the army as a major.

"Newborns fight like children," Jasper's voice booms across the forest, easily commanding the attention of everyone. "But that doesn't mean they aren't deadly. The two most important things you'll need to remember are, first, don't let them get their arms around you and, second, don't go for the obvious kill. That's all they'll be prepared for."

Shivers tingle up my spine and I clutch onto Esme a bit tighter. But I'm not given any time to think more about what I've just heard.

"Jasper, they're asking you to wait to start as another member of their pack is on their way," Edward interrupts.

I scan the clearing waiting for another wolf to join. Everyone else appears to do the same.

"Very well," Jasper agrees.

Finally, I hear the sounds of a running animal and I have to fight my instincts to crouch and hide. It's another wolf, gray and slightly smaller in shape than others. It joins to watch Jasper continue his demonstration.

Then something in the air electrifies me. Nothing drastic, but somehow powerful all the same. Like a shock dancing up my arms. I look around, perplexed but oddly content.

I blink a few times and breathe it in.

Then chaos erupts.

There's yelling, howling, and hissing coming from just about every being here, vampire or wolf. I see a million pairs of teeth barred. And then the wolf I assume must be Leah, the smallest of them all, whines and runs off into the forest.

She's here, isn't she?

I panic, trying to find the strip of red hair I know so well by now, but nothing shows itself. It then hits me that the wolves and Cullens are growling at each other.

"Edward," Carlisle hisses. It's the closest I've ever heard to an angry tone from him. But there's a concern in his intonation that also strikes me as odd. I realize suddenly that the Cullens don't know why the wolves have gotten angry.

Edward ignores him and looks directly at me. Yellow eyes almost bring me to my knees.

"There's been another imprint."

What?

I look around again, frantically, but there's still no trace of Victoria or any other red-eyed vampire. I'm not even sure I can feel relief about that, however. Something is painfully off.

"It shouldn't be possible…" Edward murmurs.

Jacob's wolf hisses loudly and then takes off into the forest. I watch his auburn fur disappear with an odd sense of regret coming over my senses.

Edward finally stops looking at me and moves to face Jasper. I gasp as I realize the other vampire has a sick look on him, the first time I've ever seen a vampire display that kind of feeling. He looks paralyzed in shock.

"It appears the female wolf has imprinted on you," Edward tells Jasper.

No one blinks.

I'm not even sure there's any sound coming from the forest at all.

Only a growing eerie silence.

My hand falls to my stomach in that protective urge that never ceases to leave. The old feelings of my first-trimester nausea threaten to return. It feels like everyone is on the edge of something that should not be crossed. Dread fights to overtake the curiosity pooling inside of me, but the need to know is stronger.

"What's an imprint?" I ask, slowly and unsure.

All eyes turn to me.

Notes:

Wow, I first have to say I am so so sorry for taking sooooo long to update. I had a million things come up in my personal life: the death of a family member, finishing up my degree program and getting started with my new job. It completely zapped the energy out of me even though I really did want to keep writing. Hopefully now that I am out of school, I can start to bring back updates at a regular pace. I only have 12 more chapters planned (!).

Story will definitely be continuing to move at a faster pace now. And I promise I do have a reason for Leah imprinting on Jasper even if it shouldn't be possible. I have had this story planned out since the beginning so hopefully I can execute it well lol.

But a giant thank you for anyone still reading. My goal is absolutely to complete this thing so any future Sam/Bella lovers can have more to read about them and maybe even be inspired to write something like I was from a past fanfic.

Chapter 29: Sam Part Fifteen

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

I feel the shift in the Earth's energy and I know what it is immediately.

Even still in my wolf form, I seek out Bella's face in the clearing where we were meant to learn the secrets to fighting newborns. She presses her eyes closed, seemingly content for a moment. I remember what happened with her like it was yesterday. The blinding light of destiny. The horror of vanishing free will. The shock of it being the person you least expected.

Mate. Want. Protect. Need.

The chant of a new imprint bounces between our pack mind.

And if I thought it impossible before, I hear the most blood-curdling scream that exists solely in one's mind. Leah's mind. She screams and runs.

I can hardly blame her.

We all saw the image of the lucky fellow that has just stolen her future. The one with scraggly blonde hair and a pained expression. Jasper. The one who helped to fuck up Bella's mind.

Rage explodes between us. And I can't deny my role as the spark to this powder-keg.

"Let's fucking kill him!"

"Oh, he's dead!"

"They all are!"

"I'm going after her," Jacob announces. He's off before I can even think about whether that's a good idea. But I acquiesce that it might be.

"Let's go after them." Accompanied by violent images of the vampires being torn apart limb by stone limb.

"Stand down!" I demand, digging my heels into the forest floor. "By pack law, we cannot hurt an imprint."

"I think you can make an exception here, boss," Paul snarls. "It's a fucking leech."

"I know that," I hiss.

"It shouldn't be possible!" Jared argues.

I can see the images of both Kim and Bella between us. Young and warm. Human. Innocent.

But hell, it shouldn't have been possible for a woman to phase anyway. Everything with Leah is upside down. I should stop demanding sense when it comes to her.

"I am going to need to talk to Carlisle Cullen," I say to the others.

"It appears the female wolf has imprinted on you," I hear the slimy voice of Edward Cullen, and it breaks me from our trance. The entire coven of vampires, plus Bella, is staring at us in shock.

Bella's face scrunches up and she draws a hand to her curved stomach, "What's an imprint?"

Bile rises in my throat and all thoughts in my head immediately cease. No one says a word. All I can do is look at her and nearly want to cry. Everything I've done to avoid even allowing her to know that word has been for nothing now.

"Sam wants to speak with Carlise now," Edward finally adds, with obvious disgust at the mention of my name.

Unconsciously, I bear my teeth in annoyance at the mind-reader.

"He can talk to me too," Alice, the witch, announces. "You'll have to figure out how to undo it. Jasper is vanishing from my vision already."

She takes the hand of her mate in an obviously possessive manner. I suppose I can't blame her for that either, even if I think it oddly justified that the universe wants to take away her happiness.

But her demeanor causes the pack to explode once again, this time in hilarity.

"This bitch thinks it can be undone!" Paul laughs.

"As if that isn't what Jacob thinks about all the time!" Embry adds.

I try to hiss at them to be silent.

"They don't seem to think that is possible," Edward announces in the midst of me trying to regain control over my pack.

"Give us a fucking minute," I finally think at him.

He just stares, disgusted as always. As if he isn't the abomination here.

"Seth, I want you to join Leah and Jacob. Let them know I will be there to talk to her tonight. Maybe with Jared." I try to weigh if the one person who has had a happy time with his imprintee should be joining, but I can't make the decision now. "Everyone else is going to do routine training for three hours at least, led by Paul."

"Hell yeah," Paul cheers.

The rest groan.

"I'll be phasing back to talk to the Cullens now. We'll regroup later."

Edward relays to the other vamps my intentions to come back in a minute to talk in human form.

I don't allow myself to look back at Bella as we take off as a group. As usual, the forest is the only thing that grounds me in reality so my mind doesn't completely spiral into insanity. There are always a thousand branches and rocks to avoid slamming into.

When the rest of the pack grabs their bundles of clothes where we left them, I phase back into a human and slip on my shorts. It doesn't look formal enough for the conversations I'm about to have.

If I'm honest, I'll admit I take a leisurely route back to the Cullen's house. I know how to get there almost immediately now. You just follow the scent of death. Before they came back, it would have been just an empty, if maybe ashy scent.

It's in total juxtaposition to how perfect their yard and house are. Not decayed at all.

My knuckles burn from the simple act of knocking on the door.

The matriarch of the family, though I can't call her a domineering presence at all, beckons me inside.

While their house isn't decayed, it's still unsightly. The appearance makes my stomach clench like it did last night. Too clean, and too un-lived in.

"Are you okay?" Bella is the very first to speak to me after I walk into the pristine living room.

"I'm fine," I say. Physically, it's true. I'm not even delirious like I was when I first imprinted on her. Emotionally and mentally? I'm walking through mud.

"Leah?" she asks.

My jaw tightens, "Remains to be seen."

"What's going on?" she whispers to me, side-eying the rest of the Cullens as if they are listening to us right now. They are.

"I'll tell you later," I respond, feeling my throat constrict.

Bella and I stare at each other. I can see the million questions forming on her tongue. But Esme Cullen wraps her arms around Bella's shoulder and beckons her to a chair in the corner.

"Are you hungry, dear? When was the last time you've eaten?" Esme worries over Bella. Rosalie is pretty quick to join in. Normally I might try to protect Bella from the onslaught of worried mother-stand-ins, but I actually agree she needs to eat often carrying our baby now.

"I apologize for this unexpected outcome," I say. I can't even fully describe why I'm attempting to be diplomatic here. Or who exactly I'm saying this too. Jasper, the chosen one, continues to stand like a statue. He doesn't look at me directly.

Carlisle is about to respond but the witch vamp is quicker.

"We are supposed to be getting you dogs trained to fight the newborns in our already tight schedule. Can't this wait?" Alice sneers.

"This affects an important member of my pack," I argue. "And we've been training nonstop for months. I think we can handle your newborns."

"I doubt it," she hisses.

Jasper glances between the two of us, his face barely betraying any emotion. He refuses to even blink.

"Plus, Jasper is already spoken for," she loops an arm between her mate's limb, who remains frozen with his own hands stuck unmoving in his pants pocket. He doesn't acknowledge her.

"They can come back to train tomorrow, Alice," Carlisle cuts in. "Unfortunately, I am going to have to agree with Sam that this issue needs to be discussed now. Is there anything we can do to help her?"

I look between the dead eyes of the newest imprintee, the angry glance of his current mate, the disgusted look of Edward who continues to hover over Bella, even at a distance, and the concerned expression of Carlisle.

I just sigh, "She will want to spend time near Jasper."

Alice appears to growl under her breath.

"Or at least in the same vicinity as him for short bursts," I try to compromise for now. "She will grow weaker without it."

Carlisle nods, evidently perplexed by everything in a decidedly scientific way. I can't tell if this makes it worse or not.

"Yes," he seems to think out loud. "We've talked about the condition amongst our family. Edward wasn't able to discern much from you. You keep a tight guard on your thoughts."

I have to for survival, especially when leading a pack of teenagers.

"I would appreciate it if you allowed me the discretion to deal with that particular issue myself," I say, almost coming off as demanding, but doing my best to keep a calm tone.

Carlisle nods, understanding what I mean immediately, "Of course."

I watch Bella still sitting in the corner of the living room between Rosalie and Esme. They are watching us intently.

"And the effects on Jasper?" Carlisle's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

I swallow tightly, "Should be minimal."

Bella's pained features don't seem to lessen. I know she's confused. But importantly, I'm not aware of any adverse reactions on the side of the imprintee.

"He shouldn't have the same impulses to be close. Honestly, the power is entirely in his hands on how to go about dealing with this. As long as he does not purposefully weaken Leah." I shoot Alice the most menacing glance I can muster while I speak.

Carlisle nods, "Noted. Of course, Jasper would never want to needlessly hurt anyone."

Truthfully, I can't tell if Carlisle is saying this out of belief in Jasper or a warning to him. I've heard enough about his impulse to drain humans being the strongest out of this 'vegetarian' group.

"Power entirely in his hands," Rosalie's parody of me suddenly shifts the focal point in the room onto her. "I don't think you've been applying that logic to yourself."

My mouth drops open and the remaining vampires turn to look at me. Immediately, my throat dries and I find myself unable to say anything.

"Don't you think she has a right to know?" She sneers. "She is the mother of your child."

Bella looks up at me expectedly, still worrying her bottom lip. Her wide eyes waiting for me to say something and I immediately soften.

"She does."

Her expression eases and she looks at me with something I can't quite put my finger on. But it devastates me, having her look so open and trusting when I might crush her with this news. I've already robbed her of a future by getting her knocked up, I don't know how many more choices it's justified for me to take. I have to look away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Edward's wrath growing. I know he doesn't want her to know, but it can't be put off forever. My stomach sinks at the realization my time is up.

"How about we give you two space to talk?" Esme's light voice breaks the tension. For the first moment, I finally look at her like a person and not just a blood-sucking monster. She's kind, that much is obvious. And she cares about Bella. "The patio is free to use."

I nod, my Adam's apple bobbing in my throat. The first physical signs of loneliness are creeping up on me.

"I think we need to talk amongst our family anyway," Esme adds, carefully looking at the other Cullens as if any one of them might suddenly explode. Edward folds his arms over his chest and Alice tries to grip onto her frigid mate tighter.

Bella's hand is around mine before I have time to think. She gestures to the backdoor and I let her lead me out.

"Thank you," I tell Esme, and Esme only before we've crossed the threshold. I know I can't be certain any of them won't try to listen in, but I'm sure they'll be absorbed in their own conversation about all of this soon enough.

Bella leans against the railing, seemingly grateful to adjust the amount of weight on her feet. Her hair blows in the light breeze and all I want to do is stare at her face forever. That's my home, where I belong. I suppose this conversation is about why I feel this way though. The conversation I've been putting off for too long.

I join her at the railing, careful to keep a few feet between us, or else I might just collapse into her arms.

"Why is everyone acting so weird about this?" she asks me. She's exasperated, but still trying to keep an easy-going attitude. My chest squeezes at the thought that she's going to lose that carefree demeanor soon. And she has every right to.

A bubble of honesty forms in my throat: "Because I haven't wanted you to know. And I asked everyone not to tell you."

Asked is kind of a false description, but I'm not going to push my luck on this one.

Her eyes widen and it seems like she almost takes a step back from me. "Why?"

"I don't want it to change what you think of me, of all of us." Okay, maybe I add this last bit to redirect her focus. Plus, I'm obviously not the only one in the pack that has imprinted. Truthfully, I don't want it to change how she might see all of us. I want her to be fully integrated into the pack, as much as she wants to be.

Her face softens, "It won't."

"It might," I groan.

She reaches out and grasps my hand. I allow myself only a half-second to melt into her touch.

"It couldn't possibly change what I feel about you, Sam. I know you."

Her warm brown eyes beg me to believe her. I almost do. Her expression is enough to give me the courage to do this.

"What imprinting is," I groan, forcing myself to bite the bullet, "it's like seeing your future in the blink of an eye. Nothing visually tangible, but just a concrete feeling that you'll do whatever it takes to keep this person happy for the rest of their life. It's having your entire world shift in front of you. It's no longer just yourself you care about, but this whole other person you're ready to die for. It's destiny."

Bella blinks at me, cocks her head to the side.

"And this is what happened to Leah? When she looked at Jasper?" she asks.

"Yes."

Bella shifts her weight between her feet, "Why is everyone so upset then?"

"It's unconditional love, Bella."

I feel my heart pound in my chest. I count three beats before I can even look back at her.

"Oh," she says. Her mouth forms into the syllable she's just uttered. Her brow furrows and I can only imagine what she might be thinking.

I'm not even sure what am thinking. These words feel too heavy. My tongue doesn't feel strong enough to carry them, especially not in front of the strongest person I know.

"But Leah and Jasper?" she questions. "Jasper already has Alice."

I nod.

She looks downward. "I see. God, poor Leah."

"The legends claim that the imprintee doesn't have to accept that love back. That it's possible for it to be love between friends. The wolf that imprints will be happy to have it be just that."

Bella's eyes snap back up to meet mine, "Do you think that's what Jasper will choose?"

"I don't know," I admit.

"I hope Jasper will choose her, not Alice," she says, twisting a lock of hair between her fingers. There's anger in her voice, but it's not directed at me. Not even blatantly directed at anyone here. And the pain she feels is echoed three-fold in my body.

I grind my teeth, "Jasper doesn't deserve a happy ending."

She frowns at me, "Don't blame him. I know he didn't want to. I remember that much."

But he did anyway.

"I honestly don't care."

It's the only thing I can say to not leave her side and immediately tear Jasper up. Maybe it would fix Leah's problem, maybe it would drive her to insanity. The desire for revenge for his part in Bella's hypnosis almost makes me not care at all about what would happen to my packmate. But Bella would care, and it's that knowledge that holds me to the ground.

I take another breath and continue the track our conversation is headed.

"If Jasper isn't clear about what he wants, then there is no way Leah will want just to be friends. It will be a constant burning inside her. It will feel like the entire universe is screaming down her back to get her to be with him. She'll get weaker if she spends too much time apart from him. And yet she'd keep her distance if she believes that she shouldn't be around him. She'll try to fight destiny because it feels wrong to force it on someone else, even if it feels like the most right thing in the world to her. It will be a long, brutal path to insanity."

I grip onto the railing of the Cullen's porch. I could break it in half if I tried hard enough. I'm tempted to, considering all of the shit they've put us through.

"How do you know all that?" Bella presses.

I watch her face study mine. I watch the realization come onto her perfect features and the weight of the world comes crashing down on me.

"You've imprinted on someone," she states. Not even phrased like a question though it still demands my answer.

"I have. I was the first."

My admission transforms her expression into something adjacent to heartbreak. I've seen it on too many faces by now not to recognize it. Leah's face, maybe even Emily's for a moment, Jacob's face over Bella enough times, and Bella's the first time I saw her in the forest. The pain of seeing her needlessly upset forces me to open my mouth to correct her, but I'm not fast enough.

"What happened to her?" Bella asks.

My stomach clenches and I'm redirected to answering her question, "Nothing." And it better remain that way. Victoria and her fucking army will die.

She shakes her head at me, "Something must have, or you wouldn't have…" She cuts herself off, bringing her hand to her belly. I understand the implication. Or I wouldn't have been with her.

If there's any moment to say something, this is it.

"Bella," her name burns my lips, my very being. "The reason I haven't wanted to tell you all this time is because the person I imprinted on is you."

Her features harden immediately and she stares at me directly. She doesn't say anything. She barely even moves.

The seconds that tick by are agonizing.

"Why?" she finally asks.

It's a question that has a million different meanings.

"I don't know."

I hear her scoff and turn her head away from me.

Fuck, no, this isn't what I mean. The last thing I want to do is make her feel like she doesn't deserve affection, adoration, every ounce of a person's devotion. I don't want to make her feel anywhere close to what he did. But I don't know how to say it. I never know how to say it.

"There are a lot of theories about why it happens," I stammer out. It's enough to get her to look at me again, though I can plainly see the apprehension on her face.

"Both Billy and," I take a deep breath through my nostrils, "Harry thought it might have to do with getting the wolf to turn back to human. That way we're not stuck as animals for the rest of our lives, we have something to return to. Billy believed it might solely be that, but Harry was more of a romantic. He believed the imprint might be an anchor to experiencing all love. Even just by knowing it could happen to any of us, we don't close off our emotions to the real world. We retain humanity, not just human form."

Bella's lips part open and I'm transfixed by her beauty, once again. The soft, subtle glow of curiosity. She's always wanted to understand everything. It's one of the things I cherish so deeply about her. It's why she deserves the entire truth, even if I haven't been able to see that before now. Even if she hates me for it.

"But the main theory really is," I look down at her belly where our child grows, "for reproduction. To create the next generation of protectors."

She crosses her arms over herself immediately and I want to slap myself for even saying it, even if it's the truth. At least it's what Billy and Harry seemed to agree on for one major purpose.

"Of course, that theory can't be true now," I rush out. "There is no way Leah and Jasper can have any kids together."

Her face scrunches up. She still doesn't drop her arms from over her abdomen. In fact, she might even be holding herself tighter. I can see the anger and disgust welling behind her eyes. She scratches at her face in the way I know now to be her prelude to crying.

"I don't want you to think I used you for this intentionally, Bella. I didn't." I plead to her, to the universe, that she believes me on this. "I don't want you thinking you have no choice in this, because you do. You have every choice and I'll respect whatever you decide."

She shakes her head, eyes glazed over, "But why me? Why me at all?"

Because your hair glows auburn in the sunlight, because your eyebrows furrow when you're confused and your nose scrunches when you laugh. Because we were made for each other and the universe saw it fit to acknowledge that truth in the most painful way possible.

"I don't know," I say once again, and this time it breaks my heart. "All I know is that when I saw you lying in the forest, that was it for me. I don't regret it at all. I couldn't."

"But you hid it from me." Her voice is small, below a whisper. It's only for my advanced hearing that I can hear it at all.

"That was for you, not for me," I choke out.

"I don't believe you," she says this bit louder, angrier. Her eyes are red, welting with tears. I want to reach out and hold her now, but I know she'd push me away.

"You weren't well after Edward left you," I explain. "I know you got into drugs and alcohol. I didn't want to make it worse for you."

She squeezes her eyes shut, "And then after that?"

She's right. I know she is. I should have told her after that. I could have found her after that party, told her everything I feel, everything about the wolves too. I should have kept her away from Jacob Black and putting herself in danger trying to get back in contact with him. I could have told her after what happened with Harry, after the bonfire. Hell, even after I made her take the pregnancy test. Or any time we saw each other after.

"I was afraid," I finally say.

And because she asks me to explain, if not with words, but with desperate eyes, I tell her my deepest fear, "I don't want any of my feelings for you to just be because of the imprint."

"Oh," she says. The sound of her voice is worse this time.

A ringing starts in my ears. I try to shake my head and snap out of it, but it doesn't work. She's looking at me with the worst expression I've ever seen her directed my way. Every muscle in my body freezes.

"Bella, you don't understand," I cry out.

"You're right, I don't," she snaps. "Everything you just told me about the imprint: everything about destiny. You don't want that with me?"

Her voice cracks as she speaks.

"That's not what I'm saying at all. I want it to be a choice, not a demand from the universe," I argue. "I don't want to force you into something you don't want."

She grinds her teeth together, "You haven't even asked me what I want."

I open my mouth to do so, but she holds a hand up to stop me.

"Don't. Not if you're not ready to hear the answer."

I find myself paralyzed by her declaration. My limbs become glued to my side and a loud buzzing echoes in my ears. Bella pulls her jacket tighter over herself. She takes steps to move aside and leave our conversation.

"Wait," I choke. But the words die on my lips. Bella looks at me for a couple of seconds longer before she turns on her heels to go back inside.

She says one last thing that hits me in the gut before she finally walks away: "I was right: the imprint doesn't change what I feel about you. It just makes it hurt worse."

I blink, trying to comprehend her sudden departure. It's only after many moments when I reach up to my cheek and find moisture that I feel regret.

I'm throwing myself over the edge of the Cullen's balcony before I can even think. And I'm running, not phasing, so no one else hears the fucking mess in my mind. I'm running until I can feel the burn in my thighs that I used to feel back when I was fully human. I run until the burn turns into searing pain and I run until that turns into liquid fire.

When I can't run anymore, gasping for air becomes the only thing that prevents me from outright sobbing. I clutch my chest in agony. Maybe I'm sobbing anyway.

It's a long time before I move from my spot leaning against a random tree.

When my senses come back to me, I realize I'm at the coast, and there's someone not too far from here. I breathe in the nearby scent.

Of course. It would be her.

Leah sits on a large boulder glancing out at the beginning of the cloudy sunset. Guess I really was out running and hyperventilating for a while.

So she escaped from Jacob, huh? I almost laugh at the thought. Good for her.

I have to get within a few feet of her before she finally acknowledges me with a backward glance.

"Are you alright?" I ask.

She cocks her head at me, "Are you?"

I give her a look that tells her very clearly not to press me. I know she can tell what's wrong with me, however. The same person it has been for months now.

"I'm fine," she huffs. "Jacob gave me the rundown of how much imprinting sucks. As if he hasn't said it a million times already." She breathes in deeply again. "Is it bad that I don't think it sucks sucks though?"

I join her on the rocks, letting the waves kiss the soles of our feet. The salt in the air numbs my senses just enough to have one more shitty conversation today.

"I know how you feel," I tell her.

"I just wish he wasn't a blood-sucker," she adds. "It doesn't disgust me anymore, it just makes me sad."

"I bet he was forced into it," she continues, wistfully.

"And if he wanted it?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow.

She turns to me, eyes sharp. "Then I bet he had a really good reason."

I know better than to press her on this. She's still in the hopeful phase of imprinting. Maybe reality hasn't fully set in with her yet.

"Never thought imprinting on a vampire would be possible, Lee," I say, finally letting the dumbstruck feeling of it all hit me.

"And nobody ever thought a female could be a shifter. I think I'm used to being impossible at this point, Uley," she chuckles.

I'll concede that to her.

"I don't feel any more attraction to you now. Never thought I would see the day," Leah laughs. "But I know I'm still fucking angry at you."

I nod, thinking about how just laying eyes on Bella killed whatever I had with Emily. God, Emily, not even a person I still regularly think of. That honor has been left to Paul.

I smile at her, "Yeah, the imprint won't take that away. It doesn't make every part of us suddenly become lovesick puppies. Not even most parts. And I know you're the type of person to stay angry forever."

She laughs again, "You're right, Uley. I can understand everything now, and even before when I knew about turning into a goddamn wolf, it still didn't make it right. But even now it definitely doesn't make me less pissed."

Because what I did was morally wrong, even if situationally justified. And I know attraction has no part in feeling wronged as a human being, down to the very soul. I can ask for forgiveness forever and still not get it.

"At least you're still able to talk to me. That's all I ask."

"I still give a shit about you. And at least two shits about Bella."

"Good," I say. She deserves everyone in the world caring about her, especially good people like Leah.

We sit in silence for a long time, watching the deep hues of blue come over the sky and color the sea dark. Serene, but impossibly dangerous. I know the monsters that can use this cover for an attack. I know how we need to spend our limited moments left planning for it.

"I want to see him and I don't even know him," my friend finally says; it's clearly evident she's been chewing on this thought for a while.

"I know. You will. We have to be back there tomorrow for the second-try of official newborn training."

"I don't want to see that blood-sucking bitch though," Leah adds.

A frown comes over my features. For the brave face she puts on, I know the truth. Leah would be more than happy to let Jasper be with Alice if that is what he truly wanted. She doesn't want to see that, however. She wants this tiny, separate possession of Jasper to remain for as long as it can.

"What about Bella?" Leah asks after a long lapse of silence.

"I'll make it right with her," is all I say. I'm not about to cry in front of Leah Clearwater.

"Good, you better. Because I'll fucking off myself right now if Jared is the only one of us who gets to be happy."

And though we laugh, for now, the kernel of doubt, that represents the terror of losing my family in a million different ways, keeps growing in my chest. But I'll hide it from Leah and when I see her again, I'll hide it from Bella too. Because they need me to be strong so that's all I can be.

Notes:

This chapter lingered at 95% complete for like two weeks so sorry about that lol. TL;DR Bella is totally in love with Sam, but doesn't have the words for it. Sam is too much of an idiot to realize it.

Chapter 30: Bella Part Fifteen

Summary:

"And you'll sit beside me, and we'll look, not at visions, but at realities." ― Edith Wharton

Notes:

WOW. I AM SO SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG TO UPDATE. I HOPE THIS IS OKAY!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Imprint.

 

 

 

 

 

The word runs across my mind all day, but I'm still not sure I have a proper grasp on it.

 

 

 

 

 

Eric, Angela, and Mike all steal glances at me across the grass for Jessica's burial. It's an entirely different mood than the Quileute memorial for Harry Clearwater. While still a sober atmosphere, there was a celebration of life intertwined. With Jessica, there's just so little life to talk about. A life that was barely getting started.

I found myself expecting to keep wiping my eyes the entire time, but maybe I've cried all the tears I can. Instead, I lean into Charlie's side as he grips our umbrella tightly and we listen to the hymns of tragedy all around us. I'm careful not to press my stomach into him.

 

 

 

 

 

Imprint. I think the word again and squeeze my eyes shut. Something is clawing at the back of my mind in regard to it. But the more I try to think about it, the easier it vanishes. And each time I feel flutters dance across my belly, I'm distracted all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie and I wait in the long line to give our condolences to Jessica's parents. Her mom envelops me in a hug almost faster than I can react. It takes every ounce of power from my weak abs to suck in my stomach. Fortunately or unfortunately, Mrs. Stanley is too distracted to make a face about any bump she notices in my middle. I dig my nails into my palms when she releases me.

"Jessica loved you, Bella," she tells me, her face a poor excuse for the gossiping and lively woman her daughter took after so well.

I don't know what to say to that. I bite my inner cheeks and hope to not make a sound.

"You and Angela and Eric and all those kids," Jessica's mom breaks into a sob and her husband drapes his arms over her shoulder to turn her away from us.

I usher Charlie out of the viewing and we make a silent march toward his police cruiser in the gray, oppressive parking lot. I look at everything, but him in the hopes he won't see the shame written onto my features.

The moment we're out of earshot from the majority of the crowd, I hear Charlie exclaim, "Goddamnit…"

I finally turn to him, my mouth dropping wide when the severity of his frazzled tone clicks in my mind. He struggles to keep speaking. For a man of little words, it's not normally an unusual thing. But now?

"I just…" Charlie runs his hand through his thinning black hair. I realize now that his eyes are red and he's choking up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he's panicking about.

"Dad," the word flutters on my lips. "It's okay."

"Shit," he curses under his breath and rubs at the corner of his eyes with the back of his fast. My stomach ties into a hundred knots.

Still, I reach out and grip his hand. He looks surprised and a harsh pang of regret for not being a more affectionate daughter hits me.

"It's not going to happen to me," I answer.

It surprises me that I say it with more certainty than I know to be true. But my words don't feel like what a lie normally does, the tingling in the back of my neck and my palms growing sweaty. I feel more resolute in the comfort I'm trying to offer him.

"I should preemptively ground you to keep you home safe," he tries to laugh it off, though it's clear there's a raspy note of uncertainty.

Well, it's not like he wouldn't have a reason to ground me if he needed.

I pull my jacket across my middle tighter, "Yeah, maybe you should." But it still wouldn't be enough to get me out of the current trouble I'm in. The world of newborns needs to stay as far away from him as possible.

"But I still have to work at Newton's tonight," I elbow him in the side.

Maybe it's enough to cause Charlie to loosen up just a little, but I have to count it as a win. He half rolls his eyes at me.

"Fine, but you're coming straight home after."

 

 

 

 

 

Mike doesn't look at me throughout my shift at Newton's Olympic Outfitters. Well, he doesn't look at me when I try to look at him. But I can feel his eyes on my back every time I turn around. Karen Newton has made an unusual appearance tonight. She doesn't stay for long, just enough to hover around Mike in a way that tells me Charlie wasn't the only parent affected by the funeral.

As usual, her eyebrows raised at me, silently wondering what the hell I'm still doing here.

It's a good question.

I could run off to Jacksonville, cry to my mom, and beg that she'd help me with the baby. But Victoria, Riley, the others, they'd all find me. Not to mention it'd be an exceptionally cruel thing to do to Sam.

Ugh, Sam.

Every time I think of his name, it hurts a little piece of me. Maybe the worst part is that I don't entirely understand why. All that I know is that after only days of missing him, I'd literally say anything to get him back.

For now, I have to think about more pressing things. Like the future, if I do survive this mess.

I wait thirty minutes after Mike's mom leaves to approach him behind the counter. As I often do when I'm nervous, I absentmindedly twirl a piece of hair between my fingers.

Mike's eyebrows raise when he sees my intent to approach. Then he juts his face away from me, almost ashamed he's surprised by me.

"Hey," I say as casually as I can. But because it's me, it only comes out as insincere and awkward.

"Oh, uh, hey Bella," he mumbles at me.

"Do you think," I twist the strand of my hair tighter, "that you could ask your mom if I could work full-time after graduation?"

If I live till then anyway. Every expense in my life is going to quadruple and I can't put that all on Sam to manage. I don't even know how I would ask.

"Because of the…?" Mike looks down at my stomach again.

"Yeah," I say. "Babies are expensive."

He nods, "Right. Yeah, totally."

"Thanks."

I go back to stocking the shelf in front of me while Mike watches, still mildly paralyzed. But I don't feel as much judgment from his stare this time. Still, the awkwardness is a bit much, even for me. I feel my cheeks beginning to heat up again.

"Ugh!" he throws up his arms. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's just so weird, you know?"

I stare at him for a second until I break into laughter. I'm almost doubling over in hysterics when Mike finally breaks into a smile and laughs with me.

"Yeah," I agree, many moments later when I can finally get a grip on my emotions. "It is really weird. Never thought teenage pregnancy would happen to me."

He laughs, "I mean of all people, it probably should have been Jessica."

I'm almost inclined to agree when I remember how serious she was at the clinic for me. It's an oddly painful memory now and Mike immediately reads it on my face. It ends our millisecond of absurdism between us.

"Oh, shoot. I shouldn't have said…" Mike stutters.

"Hey, it's okay," I wave him off. "She probably would have agreed with you had she been here."

That may not be entirely true considering what she's said to me, but by now I've mastered the art of the white lie to comfort a friend. Friends. I should probably do more to protect the remaining human ones around me. My stomach clenches once again. I just don't know what else can be done besides putting my trust in the Cullens and the pack. But the fate of Jessica sours the idea of the full devolution I used to have. Maybe it is time for me to finally figure out a way to help…

"Ugh, that guy is still standing out there," Mike attempts to change our conversation. "I don't know why he doesn't just come inside instead of being all creepy-like."

Immediately, I turn to view what he's talking about. A million possibilities of danger flash before me. But they all vanish the second I realize who is standing outside, gazing at me stocking shelves with Mike Newton.

Sam keeps a neutral expression on his face as he notices I finally see him.

"Oh crap," I mutter. My hand flies to my stomach without warning.

Mike raises an eyebrow at me and his mouth forms into an 'o.' "Is that the…"

"Yes," I cut him off before he can finish the sentence. "Let me handle it. Sorry!"

I put down whatever fishing hooks I was trying to organize in an instant and rush out the door.

I still can't comprehend why my skin continues to tingle at the thought of Sam despite how poorly our last conversation went. Maybe I was too forthcoming with my feelings…

"Bella," he greets me with a neutral voice. I can see him clearly attempting to avoid eye contact.

I have to strain my neck upwards as he tilts ever-so-slightly

"The Cullens and I have discussed setting up a rotational watch schedule for you. I thought it best to take the first shift and let you know of this decision."

I scoff. Protection for me is extremely unnecessary. There's already a plan for my killing. But the rest of Forks and the reservation is in desperate need of

"Is that all you came to tell me?" I ask, not exactly with annoyance, but most definitely with an undercurrent of frustration and longing.

He grits his teeth and finally looks at me straight on, the hard expression in his eyes faltering at once.

"Bella," he says my name again, this time significantly more pained. And now I can't help the pang of regret.

"I'm sorry. We can just forget about it, for now, Sam," I tell him. "Honestly."

It doesn't hurt as much saying it as I thought it would. Maybe I've gotten to the point where I'll accept any amount of crumbs just to be close to him again.

The muscles in his jaw ripple and I take a half second to gaze at the way the rain falls down the rest of his sculpted chest. My knees are going to buckle if I stare any longer, but gazing into his dark stare instead hardly relieves me of the weakness pooling in my lower half.

A second later, it gets to be too much. I turn on my heel to move, but a hot hand reaches out to grab my forearm and stop me.

"Hear me out for a second, Bella," he tries.

Sam breathes deeply through his nostrils, "Jared might have imprinted after me, but he had a much better time with it. I saw that Kim accepted him right away. I know this is terrible of me to say, but I viewed it as being naive. She didn't know the full extent of the world we were involved in."

I barely know this Kim, but I know that at the time of our imprinting, I definitely had a better grasp on the supernatural world than the majority of people around us. It's a poor excuse.

"What are you afraid of?" I ask him.

"That this will dictate your life."

"It won't," I answer immediately.

He huffs, "How do you know that?"

"I just feel it," I shrug.

"You're beginning to sound like Billy and Harry now." The name of the second person still stings me, but I try not to focus on the instinct to look away in shame.

"Yeah, well, maybe that's not such a bad thing," I tease. "Plus," I add, looking down at my stomach, "I think this is far more likely to dictate my life."

His brow furrows at the reminder, "How are you, by the way?"

"We're fine," I wave him off. He doesn't need to know about my increased cravings, both for food and other things, right this second.

I steel up to face him.

"Sam, if it scares you, then we really can forget about it right now. I just want you to know that I'm not scared, whenever you decide that you aren't," the last part of what I'm trying to say doesn't come out as confident as I intend. Mainly because I worry he might understand the meaning of it.

But maybe I am scared if I'm not even ready to say it quite yet.

I press my lips softly against his. He barely moves, but I hear an almost silent sigh come out. I can't tell if it's relief or exasperation.

It hurts to pull back from him again. Sam doesn't look at me when I do. His eyes strain on something in the distance, but I'm unable to see anything when I gaze into the dark forest. A consequence of being human. I never really know if I'm being watched or not.

He finally looks down at me with a sigh. His face is close to resembling the normal Sam that I know. But there's a flash of displeasure.

"I also came to tell you that the Cullens expect you over tomorrow again."

I nod. Great.

 

 

 

 

 

Rosalie picks me up from school again.

"Don't look at me like that. I can feel the disappointment that I'm not Sam," she says to me as I crawl into her Mercedes.

I shake my head, "No, it's not that."

She looks at me for a second longer with a stone-cold glare and then shakes her head. Without asking, she leans over and buckles me into the car with little I can do to stop her. I really don't know what it is about the Cullen family doing this repeatedly.

"Hey!" I exclaim.

Rosalie frowns at my belly, "You're getting bigger."

My cheeks heat up, "Yeah, that tends to happen."

She fixes her gaze firmly in front of us and without warning, the feeling of guilt creeps up my spine. She drives slower than Edward, but there are still only so many minutes of painful silence I can take right now.

"I still need to tell Charlie," I mumble.

She finally looks over at me from the corner of her eye.

"I just," I look down at my hands in my lap. "I feel it would be wrong to say something before we deal with Victoria. Because, you know…" I could die.

I trail off seeing Rosalie's sharp glare at me once again. I can't help but gasp, because I genuinely didn't think I'd see that look again from her.

"Bella," she states my name firmly.

"Sorry," I mumble. I can hear it plainly in her voice that it would be a mistake to press the matter.

We're at their driveway now so Rosalie turns off the car. She stops me with another harsh, but less devastating look before we head inside.

"I want you to know that if my family can't come up with a halfway decent plan to keep you safe, I'm taking you out of the country."

"Oh."

I'm smart enough to not argue back, even if I don't believe her. Even if I'd insist that she doesn't take me at all.

"Emmett and I have plans in place," is the last she says of it before she slams the car door and walks with me inside.

I never get used to the feeling of many pairs of eyes staring at me, unblinking, when I walk inside the Cullen's house. I can't help but gulp in fear. I understand that all of this is because of me, but I'd still rather not be the center of attention. I only allow myself to look at both Edward and Sam out of the corner of my eye.

Esme, in her abundance of kindness, hugs me again. Then she looks down at my middle and must recognize the same thing Rosalie did, but instead smiles.

"May I?" she asks, light dancing in her yellow eyes.

"Uh, sure," I shrug, nervously biting my lip.

Her cold hand reminds me of the ultrasound gel that I felt over two weeks ago. God, that must put me at seventeen weeks, at least. Unexpectedly, I feel my eyes water and I reach up to rub the corner of my left eye.

"I hope you're feeling well, Bella. Please do tell us if you ever need anything."

I smile tightly, "I'm doing alright, thank you."

"The second trimester is often the easiest," Carlisle beams at me.

I nod because I don't know what else to say.

"We'd like to discuss a more formal protection schedule for you, Bella, if that's alright," the eldest vampire asks.

Everyone continues to stare at me as if hanging onto my every word.

"Yeah, sure," I say. But the overwhelming urge to not be in this room while they do it becomes too much. I look outside through a large open window and find the trees blowing calmly in the wind. "But, uh, would you mind if I went outside a bit first? Just to relax for a second." It's a bad excuse even to me, but I really do need a minute to myself.

Esme melts looking at me, "Of course not. Take all the time you need, Bella."

"Thanks," I mumble back pretty shyly, hoping no one is watching me walk out the sliding glass doors.

I'm only a couple of steps outside on the patio when I see a tall, slender figure already leaning against the railing. It takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust to the sight that is Leah Clearwater. Her chopped hair blows in the wind and I almost see her Quileute tattoo sparkle. I've always known she's an indescribable beauty, different from the Cullens for sure, but right now she almost looks as cut from marble as they do.

"Oh, hey," I say. "They didn't tell me you were out here."

Leah scoffs, "Of course not. But I've got to be so here I fucking am."

"You don't have to be," I tell her. "Really, I'm sure they can work out my babysitting schedule just between themselves."

Okay, I do say the last part bitterly. But I don't regret it when I see the corners of Leah's mouth pull upwards. It vanishes just as quickly as it comes though.

"Not everything is about you," she rolls her eyes. "I'm not here for that. This imprint business makes it so I feel the constant need to be around him. Or else I'll get weak or something."

I put my arms against the railing next to her, keeping a solid two feet of distance between us. After all, we do have a history of talking in particularly depressing and serene backgrounds.

"That sounds tedious," I admit.

"Extremely," she answers. "I need the extra time to keep training."

"Wait," I ask, suddenly feeling guilty for changing the topic away from her, but my curiosity remains too strong. "How did Sam function when he first imprinted on me?"

She cocks an eyebrow up at me, "He got your dad to hire him to fix your house."

I blush and look away from her intense stare. I remember that day clearly. I was still basically catatonic, and looking at Sam was the only thing that woke me. It hits me now that maybe we've been destined from the beginning after all. I ball my hand into a fist as I try to struggle to understand the many layers of the imprint that I know are there.

"And then I heard you kept coming onto the rez to buy weed."

Oh. Shit.

My face is on fire now.

"Helps when you come onto our land, or so I'm told. If only there wasn't a goddamn treaty in place that is preventing him from doing so."

I don't know what to say to that. I could suggest she invite him, but I'm not sure they would blow over well with the others.

So I say nothing. We sit in silence for a long time. Eventually, even I can hear the voices of the Cullens and Sam pick up in the next room.

"The pack hates me now," Leah says. Her voice doesn't have a hint of grit that it normally does. Only a somber attitude.

"That can't be true," I answer, taking a much closer look at her features. I know what's written on her face because I saw it on mine so many times. Heartbreak. But I refuse to believe she's been abandoned by her family. Especially after losing her father not so long ago.

She doesn't answer me.

"Well, I can imagine they're too fond of me either," I say. I try not to think of Jacob and the friendship we lost. I barely even know the others. It's honestly terrible I haven't put more effort to get to know them. Well, it may be a moot point now if I'm to die in a week.

"Leech lover," Leah speaks. "They call you that when you're not around, you know?"

"What?" I stammer.

"They think the universe must hate Sam if it gave him you. Personally, I think it's the other way around. The universe must hate you for giving you him."

We pause to watch the stars.

"What does it mean for you?" I finally ask, thinking of Jasper.

She shrugs, "That I'm already dead."

It's an extremely depressing thought and I again don't know what to say to her. But I know enough that she doesn't want me to seriously argue back.

"I don't understand what all this means," I admit.

"Imprinting?" she asks me.

I nod.

"It just means we suffer and we like it."

She makes a good point, but my instincts tell me she has to be wrong. There has to be more to it than that.

"Did Sam suffer a lot?" I ask.

Leah scowls at me, "Maybe. I'm not sure. He left Emily right after he imprinted on you. She didn't even fight it."

I bite down on my lip.

"I would've fought him if he did that shit to me. But only before I knew what an imprint felt like. It's suspicious, don't you think? Then she moves onto Paul so quickly after."

I shake my head, "Maybe she just hates being lonely."

"Don't we all?" Leah scoffs.

I understand now why she brought up Sam leaving Emily immediately. And who exactly she must have been thinking of that hasn't done that. But it's different for them. I'm not sure Alice would ever allow that option. Not without something in return.

"Jasper's a good person," I say. "He won't let that happen to you."

Leah remains silent.

Finally, she speaks another dismal conclusion, "The world wasn't meant to have a female wolf."

I turn back to look at her, my face instantly scrunching up in disbelief. "You don't know that."

She sighs.

"I don't have my period anymore, Bella. My mom, Billy, they all tell me it'll come back. But I feel it in my gut. I'll never have kids of my own."

I shake my head, "You can't believe that."

She smiles softly, "I do. So that's one of the reasons I'm willing to fight for you and yours."

I lose all feeling in my throat. My eyes water without thinking. God, I really am so emotional these days. The anguish I couldn't spill at Jessica's funeral comes back in full force. I wrap my arms around myself in a weak attempt at comfort.

But there's something I need to say. Something I only wish I got the chance to say to Jessica.

"I don't have a lot of family," I tell her. "I have my mom and my dad, maybe Phil too. And I have Sam, but none of them chose."

I grab her hand and she looks down at me in surprise, her mouth slightly parting.

"But I choose you to be my family, Leah."

Her lips form a wide 'o' now, but she continues to say nothing. I see her eyes glaze over so I push on.

"Neither of us has ever had a sister," I smile. "Maybe we can be that for each other."

She finally snaps back to reality and clamps her mouth shut. Slowly, a very small and subtle smile spreads over her face.

"So as my sister, I would understand if you need to run, okay?" I silently beg her to take this out.

A strength I've never seen before passes over her, "I'm not going to fight this part of my destiny wherever it leads, even if I want to." A smirk finds its way on her features as she says the last bit. "Guess you'll be stuck with me after all, sister."

We smile at each other just a second longer, both under the agreement that a hug would be too much. Still, a part inside of me heals and another ounce of job returns to my life that I didn't believe possible.

"Now go back inside," she tells me, using her head to give the direction as if I don't know where it is.

I stare her down, "Not without you."

Leah rolls her eyes, but I manage to get her to follow me inside. If the others are surprised by her presence, they don't say anything. Only Alice looks peeved.

"Welcome back, Bella," Esme tells me. Then she nods, "And Leah."

The female wolf leans against the wall away from everyone, but I'm ushered into a chair next to Esme and Rosalie.

"We still don't have a solid plan to deal with Victoria and her creations," Rosalie mutters. I can see her looking at me out of the corner of her eye to make sure I haven't forgotten about her backup plan. I haven't, but something else takes my immediate attention as the group continues arguing.

The word 'creation' rings inside of my head. I don't understand it at first. I can feel the threads of realization coalesce in my head, but I know the truth is somewhere there in a tangled mess I feel too stupid to uncover.

Only a second later does the knowledge snap into my head.

Imprinting is about creation.

This realization lights up in my brain and I'm almost getting high off the feeling of being so close to putting the pieces together. I can feel it. Like the first hit.

I have to shake off those memories and keep pushing. Creation, yes. But not necessarily reproduction. Not just…making babies.

My belly seems to gain ten pounds with that thought. I shift in my spot and run a hand over my middle. This catches the attention of everyone in the room and they seem to pause their conversation for a split moment to stare at me. I try to disappear as red-hot embarrassment burns my cheeks.

Think, Bella, think.

One of the other wolves, Jared, imprinted and as far as I know, she didn't immediately get pregnant. And Leah and Jasper can't. She just admitted to that.

But creation is much more than that. I've heard enough scattered teachings from the tribe to understand that the ways in which the universe creates may not immediately be apparent to us. I thought it was silly at the time, but now?

Now I see that creation and imprinting is a chain. Each links to the other. And the reason Sam imprinted on me is to get us to this moment.

The truth of this next statement is felt down to my bone marrow. The same kind of buzzing I felt in the forest when Leah must have imprinted on Jasper. Perplexing but still calm. Only now, I'm excited.

I'm squirming on the edge of my seat. Only Sam and Edward notice my odd movements this time. I try to look neither of them in the eye.

I suddenly get a flash of Leah in my vision. Of her many minutes ago standing on the railing almost looking like a vampire…

Her voice becomes the strongest sound in my head now: I'm already dead.

Vampires and wolves. Dead and alive. The two opposing sides. There's never been a continuum. You're either one or the other. But could it be possible?

"The world wasn't meant to have a female wolf."

No. It's something else.

Maybe it's that the world wasn't meant to have just a female wolf.

She was always meant to become something more.

A hybrid.

I grip the edges of my chair so tightly my knuckles turn white. I could bite my lip hard enough to bleed and cause another accidental attack from Jasper or any of the others who still hunger for my blood.

The idea of such a being doesn't seem possible. But why else would she imprint on Jasper? What other reason would nature have to pair them together? Strangely, it doesn't seem like there could be any other purpose.

The idea of Riley also flashes into my head. The strongest vampire in existence. The ability to copy all other abilities seems impossible to beat. And in a fresh newborn state, he still beats the strength of any of our vampires without powers and even the wolves. I know from only listening that we'd have to direct most of our forces to take care of the other newborns anyway.

But a wolf and a vampire together? In the same being? I know it in my bones that they'd be unstoppable. Even against Riley.

Alice can't see the wolves in her visions. I doubt she could see a hybrid either. And if one is born, wouldn't that make all of her previous visions null? Victoria and Riley wouldn't be able to prepare. The future would be unwritten.

It all makes sense.

It makes so much sense that I start to cry.

I cry because it hurts too.

"I know how we might win this," I finally say. My voice is hoarse, but it still catches the attention of every creature in the room.

They look at me with wide, unblinking eyes. Some intrigued, some amused, some disbelieving.

I only focus on one auburn-colored face. The face of a woman hurt by her lot in life, who only may get hurt worse with what I'm about to say. Of a woman who dreams and longs even if she may want to hide it under a cold exterior. A woman I know has the capability to be powerful enough to finally have a chance in life.

"It's you."

Notes:

Woo, golly gee, sorry for taking an unexpected six months break! I'm working diligently on the next chapter and really do hope to have it soonish! As for the direction in this story, I had the idea of Leah being a hybrid since the very beginning. Time will only tell if this turns out to be a good story move lol. Thanks for anyone sticking around!

Chapter 31: Sam Part Sixteen

Summary:

"Until we're rotten, we cannot be ripe." ― Chaucer Geoffrey

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Hybrid.

 

 

 

 

 

All instincts in me tell me this is wrong, wrong, wrong.

In fact, my stomach lurches and I feel close to spilling my guts on the vampire lair floor. It might even put some fucking personality in this sterile house. I hold my head in my hands, not caring if anyone else sees this moment of weakness. It's all I can do to not vomit everywhere.

While I fight to get the sickness to subside, the thoughts of abnormality, of going against nature itself are made worse by the fact it was Bella to bring up this idea. My Bella. My imprint.

She explains her theory eloquently; I can't argue that. The connections, the true purpose of imprinting to be creation, that much makes sense. But not this. Not the final conclusion.

"Riley can copy all of your abilities. But he wouldn't be able to copy a hybrid."

When I can finally look around the room, most others are also reacting in disgust. Except maybe the one person who matters most with the news: Leah. Her face is neither shocked nor repelled, only pensive. I can't bear to stare at her much longer.

"This can't work," I mutter, finally the first to speak up. "Vampire venom will kill us before it ever gets to our hearts."

Bella's mouth parts into an 'o.' I see embarrassment color her features. Maybe she can be persuaded to my side, the side of nature, of balance, of order. Bella's a reasonable person. She can't believe this idea forever.

But the rich voice of Carlisle Cullen overcomes the room, "Unless we inject the venom straight into her heart, perhaps."

All eyes turn to him. Golden stares of disbelief.

"It's a theory I've been tinkering with," he explains. "If the transition into one of us could be sped along and made less painful. It could work here as well."

Leah's eyes finally go wide, as if she's suddenly contemplating the horror of the idea.

The room again explodes into chaos.

"Absolutely not."

"This is utterly disgusting."

"This is insane!"

"Stop," Leah bellows. She's angry. When isn't she, of course? But this is a new kind of anger. One with far more resolve than wrath.

We all stop speaking and stare at her.

"This is about me, right? So don't I get a fucking say?"

Bella hangs her head in shame, "I'm so sorry, it just made sense to me…"

Leah cuts her off, "Don't be. I'll do it."

I don't even let the room devolve into another silent showdown. I respond immediately.

"Are you insane?" I hiss. "This could kill you."

She stares at me with the gaze of a thousand hate-filled curses she's probably sent my way over the years. All deserving. But her voice is calm, "Bella's right. It makes sense."

"No, it's impossible," Alice seethes at Leah. It's the most venom I've heard out of any leech before. More than queen bitch Victoria herself. It's enough to set me back.

"You're lying," Edward is the only one brave enough to interject. Bella gapes at him, shocked he is defending her idea. My fists naturally ball up. "I've seen all of the future scenarios you've seen in your mind, Alice. This may be the only one that they cannot see coming."

Her face twists into a picture of rage I doubt is even possible on a human, or wolf for that matter. Leeches don't scare me anymore, but this witch does. The realization of that disturbs me.

I catch Edward raising an eyebrow at me in the corner of my vision. Fuck off.

Alice's growls indicate a lack of a suitable response. But it still isn't enough for me.

"I'm her alpha. I won't allow it."

Edward finally turns to me full-on, squaring up in that inhuman way he does so well. "It could work."

"Could isn't good enough. Do we really want to risk her life here?" I growl.

Bella wipes at the corner of her eyes and while I do feel bad for making her aware of the possibility, it's a necessary evil. This is Leah's life we are talking about.

"It would most certainly be a risk," Carlisle admits. "Additionally, even if she were to survive the transition, there is no immediate proof a hybrid would be stronger than both of our species. I must admit I am currently persuaded by your logic, Bella."

I press my eyes closed, letting the other continue to discuss for a minute.

Bella's voice from minutes ago rings in my head, "I don't know if I believe in fate, but I can't believe imprinting is just about mating." Her eyes seared into mine while she said this. "I think Sam, you, me…I…" Bella struggles to get her words together. "I was meant to tell this story, I think. That's why you chose me."

That can't be everything, Bella. There is a feeling in me that burns brighter than just her theory. A feeling I still won't name.

"And Leah chose Jasper because it is possible, somehow, to become both."

"If you can't see any wolves in the future, why not just have us handle the fight?" I hiss at Carlisle. "Or at least keep out the fortune-teller and mind-reader?"

"Because they have already seen us make that decision in one of the possibilities and they know how to win against it. And without Alice or I in the fight, they have a much better chance at overwhelming us with sheer numbers," Edward grits out. "We would have to keep away long enough that they wouldn't know the change until the very last minute. We will guard Bella, as they now expect us to. Everyone else will prevent the newborn army from advancing into town."

"Abso-fucking-lutely not."

"You're her imprint, aren't you? Why don't you admit she's just come up with the best plan any of us have?" Edward flashes his teeth at me for the barest of seconds. I am immediately ready to pounce.

"No one here wishes to make this decision lightly," Carlisle finishes, attempting to dispel the vitriol. He then looks at Leah, as if she is the only one capable of making a choice. But she isn't. I am still her Alpha. I get a fucking say.

"We're not making that decision at all. In fact, we're leaving," I announce. I've heard enough. "Bella, Leah, get your things."

Bella stands up and smoothes down her clothes as much as possible with her stomach protruding slightly out. Radiant, but I'm too angry to really appreciate her image.

Given the go-ahead with one of them, I turn to the other more harshly.

Leah looks deep into my eyes, cutting into my soul, "I have to stay."

Fuck, of all the fucking curses nature has given me, letting me be an Alpha but unable to command my pack surrounding anything about their imprint is topping the list of inconvenient bullshit right now.

"Fine," I seethe. "But Bella and I are going."

"Don't be ridiculous," Rosalie Cullen rolls her eyes. "Did you even drive here? How are you intending to get her home? Carrying her on your back for miles? Seems a little indelicate in her current condition."

The vamp's golden, but hard eyes stare at me without blinking. I ball my fists up, but I find I don't have a response. She's right, I did run here. And with Bella pregnant, it probably isn't the best method to get home.

But I don't want either of us staying in this sick fucking house for a second longer.

Bella shakes her head at me, seemingly understanding my apparent feelings on the issue. "It's okay, Sam. Rose can take me home now. I'll be alright."

I look between them all and find

"I'll see you tomorrow," she whispers.

I nod.

I trust her intentions and hers only. And as usual, it hurts to tear away from her.

Then I'm out the door before I throw up.

My paws hit the forest floor and I force myself two miles up a mountain before I allow myself to howl in pain. It's a call to the entire pack and I know everyone will listen except for Leah. Maybe she'll hear and feel the pull to come, but still unable to leave her undead imprint, will be forced to hang by the leech's side fighting her own instincts. Good, serves her right.

Running, more like thrashing, through the forest isn't enough to shake off the feelings of disgust I am still left with.

And I'm not running quickly. I know this as I can feel the anxiety growing in my pack as I make my way over to my house. The events of the evening have taken out the drive in me to push past my own discomfort. I will have to do better when it counts.

"Yo, what's up, Boss?" Jared leads the group as they call coming running from behind my house to meet.

I shake my head, for a moment unable to even put the words together of why this all is happening.

My teeth clench up, "They are considering transforming Leah into a vampire. A hybrid."

There's a long pause of silence where the absurdity of it all hits me across the face. It doesn't last long enough for my pack, who I know I am begging to mourn with me. Instead, their own incredibility hits, and thus vocal outcries of confusion.

"A hybrid?" Jared gapes at me.

"That's like totally not possible, right?" Embry asks.

"But what if it was?" Quil counters. "I mean, that person would be the most powerful thing ever."

I make a quick mental note to not underestimate Quil's intelligence. If he can figure out the same conclusion as Bella, he's clearly not an idiot. I should be involving him more in pack strategy. But I don't have the time or the mental capacity for it now.

"It's batshit insane," Paul growls. "Can't believe you all are even thinking about it."

Jacob Black and Seth remain silent as the others continue to bicker. I only feel bad for her brother, having still just lost his own father and forced to contemplate losing his sister. I won't allow it.

"Of course, we're not considering it," I seethe at Paul. "I've already told her no as the Alpha of this pack. My decision is final."

All nod at me, except for Black.

"Well," Jared speaks up. "Is that going to work?"

Many pairs of eyes turn to him with contempt.

His cheeks color with embarrassment, "I only mean as that leech is her imprint, by nature, his orders overtake yours."

I shake my head, "The empath's true mate won't allow it either. He'll answer to her first."

Looks of understanding go around the group. Then looks of pity. For many of us, there's probably no greater nightmare than imprinting on a leech who already has a mate. For both the disgusting nature of their kind and the heartbreak of it all.

Finally, the silent thorn in my side speaks up. Jacob continues to glare at me, "Why are they even considering this?"

I swallow, a threat of stay in your fucking lane is on my lips, but before I get to speak, I notice the curious glances from everyone else. Especially Seth, to who I think I owe it most of all.

My shoulders heave from the weighty sigh passing through my lungs. I don't know how they will react to this.

"Bella believes the true nature of the imprint is to allow for creating new beings. She believes Leah imprinted on Jasper because a hybrid is possible. And that I imprinted on her to allow her to figure this out."

I don't know how to gauge their reactions to this. Perhaps because the idea is still so foreign to me. But surprisingly, there isn't the anger I might have expected. Only the quiet kind of shock each faced with the learning of the idea of imprinting to begin with.

"What about me and Kim?" Jared speaks up. "Did Bella say anything about us?"

"Yeah," I comb my hand through my hair. "She thought you two were needed to show her that imprinting can be a good thing. That it can lead to something."

"Sam, you told me the other pair is happy. What if we needed to see that?"

Jared's eyes go wide, but smartly, he says nothing. He purses his lips, nods, and looks down. I know he still has more he wants to say. I am just completely unable to hear it right now. Not when a battle of this magnitude is still incoming.

A burst of lightning hits a peak somewhere close by. Moments later, the explosion of thunder causes Seth and Quil to still wince. I'm reminded again of how young they are. How little time they've had to face these things. And now I am asking them to risk their lives.

I look at the sky, feeling like an old man who wants to raise his fist and curse nature.

"It's going to rain soon. Everyone go home. Except for Paul: your shift watching Bella is tonight."

I can see the anger form between his brow.

"But she just…"

I silence him with a look of wrath. He too, is smart enough, to shut the fuck up.

"Fine," he spits out. Turns on his heel, phases, and runs away in the direction of Forks.

The rest of the pack shares their goodbyes, an air of something uncomfortable lingers between all of us.

I don't sleep much at night, tossing in my bed at the thought that the balance of nature could be altered so easily, seemingly without a care. There is always a cost, Leah, always.

In the morning, I don't fair much better. I'm off my game as I'm trying to teach the pack the strategy on how to fight newborns that has only been passed to me incrementally. Goddamn Cullens probably don't think we're capable of picking up on anything.

It's the anger that pushes me through my sloppiness.

After I am relatively satisfied the pack knows to go for throats and avoid arms, I let them rest again. Unfortunately one of the leeches is in charge of protecting Bella today. And in thinking that, I am back to being nauseous.

I call my mom, unable to leave my house to visit her at the diner. Allison knows enough by now to not ask me the specifics, but I know she picks up on my heightened worry. Talking to her doesn't make me feel any better.

With nothing else to do or no mental energy to do any of the grander things I have planned, I force myself to meditate on my couch. It doesn't work.

My restlessness lasts until I feel a familiar force dance across my periphery. Bella has made it onto the rez.

I can't help, but sigh and close my eyes, feeling the first bout of peacefulness I've felt since last night. Perhaps this is another thing the imprint is for. Not just feelings of passion, but the strongest feeling of contentment possible. I can live with this, whether or not she wants me to be near her at all times.

But I snap out of it real quick when I realize Bella is coming in my direction. I stand up immediately, hissing that I have to clean this area to be presentable for her. I work faster than possible cleaning the kitchen countertops and table with a semi-dirty rag I toss into a hidden corner.

God, what if she's hungry? Do I have anything suitable for her here? Maybe I ought to take her back to the diner.

My thoughts abruptly cease when I hear her truck engine turn off and the knock on the door comes moments later. I only have a split second to smooth my hair.

"Hi," Bella says. Her eyes display the look of shyness and nervousness I've seen so many times before and would still hope to see again, as often as she will let me.

"Hi," I respond, confused, but elated she's here anyway. "How are you?"

I push the door open to let her in and watch her confidently stroll into my house. My heart leaps a bit when I realize it means she's beginning to see this place as home. It is home. It will be home for all three of us. The thoughts at the back of my mind that it could one day be the four or five of us are hard to push down. I can't think that far ahead right now.

"We're fine," she laughs as she knew automatically I did mean both of them.

"Bella, about yesterday…" I find I can't reach her eyes.

"Oh," Bella straightens up, looking at me apprehensively and I want to slap myself for it. The more I reflect on it, the more I think I was too harsh around her. She probably believes my anger is a direct response to her ideas.

"You are brilliant, I just can't agree with your conclusions. It goes against our teachings of nature and balance. Do you understand?" I beg her too.

Bella nods, this time averting her gaze away from me, "Okay, but Leah is her own person and so is Jasper…"

I cut her off, "They have to see how wrong it is."

"Sam, I only mean to tell you that you might not be able to expect this to go your way," Bella tells me, grabbing my hand and rubbing circles into my skin.

It feels so good that I never want to let go. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head, "It can't happen. It can't."

She makes a noncommittal sound but wisely decides not to press the issue anymore. The night won't end well if she does.

Bella looks at me with a redness sprouting on her cheeks, "I'm, uh, feeling a bit tired. Would you mind if I used your bed?"

"Of course," I answer, grateful for the subject change too. "Anything you want or need is yours to have."

She blushes further at that then looks at me with a small smile, "Would you come up with me?"

"Sure," I nod, feeling my Adam's apple bounce in my throat. "Anything you want."

I let her guide me up the stairs, my feet struggling to keep balance, not a normal issue for sure. It is when I am behind her, for sure.

There's an extra blanket in my closet, I think something my mom's mom once knitted, that I hand to Bella for more warmth. I've stopped using such heavy items since I first heated up and began to phase, but she isn't naturally hot like me.

"Stay as long as you need," I offer. "Come get me downstairs when you've woken up and I'll drive your truck back to Charlie's."

I've pivoted my body away, but I feel her small hand on my arm.

"Wait, stay," she tells me, a whine in her voice.

I nod, a little breathless now.

"Tell me something," she says, eyes trusting.

"What?" I ask.

"Anything. Something to distract me."

I search my brain for something light and easy, which is difficult considering the situations we've found ourselves in lately. But I find something eventually.

"My mom asks about you every time I talk to her now," I smile at her. "She's always giving me the recipes of natural remedies for any of your pregnancy ills. I never remember any of them, but the offer is there."

Bella beams up at me, "That's so sweet of her." Then she gently shoves me with her elbow, "I'm sure Charlie will ask after you eventually."

I laugh at this, "Sure, when you tell him and he gets past the point of wanting to kill me."

"Could be years," Bella agrees through her own laughs.

We laugh together until Bella does something that completely knocks me off balance. She leans forward and presses her lips softly against mine. I can feel her fingers dive a centimeter into the edge of my jeans. The most forward she has been since the New Year's party.

I nearly jump back in shock, though our momentary touch ignites me. I feel my cock start to swell as it does whenever we kiss.

"Make me forget," she asks, seeing the confusion on my face.

I swallow again

"What are you asking?" My voice wavers since I do know in fact what she is asking; I simply can't believe it.

"It's Tuesday night. The newborn army is coming in five days," Bella tells me. "I might only have five days to live."

"You are going to live," I grit out.

She presses a finger to my lips. "But just for a second, imagine that isn't true. If I've only got five more days, I want every second to count. I want to be with you now."

My pants continue to tighten. If she notices, she doesn't say anything.

"You don't know what you're asking for," I tell her. "I might not be so gentle. I might not be able to stop."

"Take me," she tells me. Brown eyes of resolve. I feel her words right down to my cock. It's enough to get me to move.

I crash my lips onto hers and feel her gasp into me. You asked for this, imprint. Now you'll face the consequences of your actions.

My hands circle her waist and I pull us onto the bed, where we both sit, her on top of me. She's desperate for my touch, I can feel it from the heat of her core. I grip one of her thighs and squeeze. Then I trail my fingers closer to her clit still protected by jeans. I know just the right area to poke through. She yelps and the sound drives me insane.

"I want you on top like this," I hiss into her mouth.

Her eyes widen, "I haven't…"

"You will," I say.

She will learn. And I will be her teacher. Even as she sits on me now, still fully clothed but grinding into me, I guide her hands underneath my shirt. She gets the idea, helping me to lift the cloth barrier between us. While I could easily take off my own shirt, her working to help me ignites a further desire that I am now helpless to chase.

My skin is hot and I know this because I burn for her. She works her hands against my torso, biting her lip and looking into my eyes. Finally, she continues to tug the cloth upwards until I give her a hand by discarding my shirt.

It would be a lie if I said the way she's looking at me now, tracing all of my muscles, didn't affect me. I continue to swell underneath her.

"Let me see you," I tell her.

She blushes, but allows me to lift up her sweater over her head. Milky white skin, impossibly soft to the touch. I hold her in such a way that I am able to reach around her back and unclasp her bra. She shudders as it comes loose. I can't help but stare despite her apparent reservations at me looking.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

The words tumble out of my mouth before I'm cognizant of them.

Bella blushes again and tries to look away, but I tilt her head back to mine. I engulf her mouth once again and brush my tongue against her lips. She allows me entrance and I chase the under-appreciated pleasure of simply kissing. If this is all we do tonight, I will sleep a happy man.

But, I can't help myself, the baser man, or wolf, that lives inside of me.

"Stand up," I order.

She frowns at me, but does as I say. Instantly, I see goosebumps form across her skin while she is parted from me. Against my better instincts, I smile at the evidence that I do in fact make her hot.

Bella tries to cover her breasts, but I silence her by pulling her arms away.

"You are perfect," I whisper. "I need to see all of you."

She smolders under my gaze, but nods in agreement.

I reach for her the buttons and zipper on her jeans. I notice they are fortunately a size or two bigger than the last time I saw her like this months ago. For now, I make a mental note to offer to buy her any new clothing she needs as she continues to grow. I do not want the blonde leech to be stealing this responsibility.

As Bella steps out of her pants and underwear, looking shyly away from me, I realize at once there is no more breath in my lungs. How can there be when I am in front of a literal goddess? Every part of me desires to be in every part of her.

"It's your turn now," she finally huffs at me, likely embarrassed under my gaze.

I smirk at her, but I ultimately decide to oblige her demands. Towering over her, I lock eyes with her while I undo my own belt and push my jeans down. Seeing her eyes trail wide as she looks down at my body causes pride to swell in my chest. Yes, Bella, everything you see is all for you.

I pull her to me, kissing her again until she softens in my arms. Then my right-hand trails down her body until I tease her entrance with my forefinger. Bella squirms beneath my touch, and I know exactly what she is after as she attempts to angle herself to bring our contact closer together.

"Please," she murmurs against my lips.

And I am not one to deny her needs, slipping my finger into her hot center as she whimpers against me. My index finger is quick to follow, pumping her until she is dripping around me.

But Bella pulls back, "I want all of you."

Her brown eyes cause my cock to twitch.

"You can have all of me," I answer.

I hold her by her waist, pulling us back to the bed where I sit down and let her stand over me, squirming with impatience and nervousness.

I guide her so that her knees reach down on either side of me on the bed. She continues to turn red, but I know she also wants me to push her through her nervousness. I can feel her desire flickering through our bond.

Finally, I allow her to lower herself onto me. Slowly and too fast all the same.

We both groan with the contact, but Bella squeezes her eyes close and I momentarily wonder if this is too much for her.

She struggles to move, opting for side to side instead. It feels good enough for me, but I know I can't be providing the necessary contact deep within her.

"Up and down," I whisper into her ear. "You are doing so well, baby."

I don't know if what I say or do seems to help her at first, but she soon finds a pace and lets me aid her with my hips and hands. I want to bring her closer still, letting her breasts press up firmly against my chest, but I also do not wish to disrupt her movement.

Bella's finally grinding on top of me, losing all rhythm and pressing into me with unreserved movement. Once again I'm seeing stars. I know I'm not going to last long if she keeps this up.

I give up my first plan of letting her remain on top. I hook an arm around her waist and throw her onto the bed so I can thrust into her on top. Forcefully, but not ever approaching the threshold of legitimately hurting her. I'm careful not to crush her belly, but I hammer into her like a man desperate to claim every inch of his woman.

She makes an animalistic noise at the switching of our position and I know it to be her discovery of a new depth of pleasure. The way her eyes roll back into her head tells me I'm doing something right. I'm hitting a part deep inside of her now that neither of us has found before. I chase the way she's clenching against me, like a person dangling off the edge of a cliff. Survival dependent on holding on.

She's trying to grab one of my hands, and I understand where she wants me to touch her. But a new wave of dominance overcomes me and I bat her off.

"You're going to come on my cock only," I command of her.

Bella whines, throaty and full. I'm going to have to delay my own release for this promise to be fulfilled. I groan and try to keep my head clear.

I grab one of her legs and bring it up to rest on my shoulder. Now I'm in even deeper and the lights dance across my eyes. I shift our bodies until we connect further. I can feel every curve of her cunt, nearing her womb where I know our child lies beyond. The thought makes something inside of me turn ever more animalistic. I gnash my teeth trying to suppress my desire.

She's screaming now. Completely gone.

I realize this moment may not come again for a while, ever. I have to demand as much as I can from this mini infinity as possible.

"Look at me," I demand.

She shakes her head, still thrown back in pleasure.

"Look," I say again.

I want even our souls to be connected. No differentiation between me and Bella Swan. I want our worlds to just be of one another.

"Look," I beg, one last try, throaty and near tears myself. "Please look at me."

Finally, she opens her amber eyes to look at me and I feel it. Her body spasms uncontrollably and she yells without restraint. She grabs the sheets of my bed into her fists and convulses below me, ricocheting throughout every one of my muscles. It is a sensation that can't be described any further. Words fail me.

The five blissful seconds I get observing her pleasure aren't long enough. I come now, hot and mewling into her breasts like a boy first discovering how attractive girls can be. But this is different, this is the universe's command that we be together.

It takes me many, many minutes to recover. My body pulses with the aftershock of combined pleasure.

I can't believe I've forgotten the first time we did this. Or, maybe I pushed the memory away as it was tainted by the cruel ending forced on both of us. Then the memory itself was replaced by the aftermath of it. The impending parenthood we will soon face.

After we steady our breathing, we continue to lay naked on my bed. Bella's head rests on my chest. I have to hold my breath for a little bit, seeing if she mentions another man's name again. But the idea she would now seems so silly I don't let it linger. At this moment, she is only mine.

My hands swirl across her belly and I hear her moan into my touch again. Not full of desire, but of wholeness. I only know how she is feeling because I feel it too. Certitude. This, it has to be, the real reason for the imprint.

I don't want to lose this.

I look over at the clock sitting on the drawer next to my bed. I can maybe let her sleep for a little longer until she should head back to Charlie's. And whoever is next on the protection schedule will be spending all night out there listening for anything that might go wrong.

Unconsciously, I grip her tighter. Nothing can go wrong. I won't let anything happen to my imprint or my child. No matter the cost.

It takes me many moments to calm myself and to push back the wolf threatening to tear at my heart. I force myself to untangle from her sleeping form and try to cool myself in the master bathroom shower.

Hardly a grand bathroom that I use. I built this house pretty cheaply. There's only really enough space upstairs for the main bedroom and this bathroom. Surprisingly, I begin to go over where in the house I could knock out a wall and build a nursery downstairs. The entire layout of this place and the couple of other builds I've done give me more ideas runring through my head.

This kind of work, different from leading a pack, is truly what can calm my nerves.

But the most intense wave of disgust comes over me. A scent worse than the cloying stench of death swarms around my head.

I hear a deep scream. It takes me many moments later to recognize it as my own.

This time I can't hold back the wave of nausea. I shove the shower curtain to the side, making the metal rings hit each other in a quick succession of some violent symphony, and then I rush to the toilet. Slumping down on the bathroom floor, I empty everything inside of me.

I vomit for a long, long time.

I feel warm hands on my back and only after another thirty seconds of dry heaving, am I able to pull back.

Deep and genuine concern is present on Bella's brow. She puts another hand on my shoulder, steadying me and making me realize I've been shaking this whole time. I don't want to be in this state with her around, but there's little I can do to stop myself.

"They've done it," I spit out. "They've killed her."

Her eyes widen with realization, but she looks away from my hard stare. "She could live, Sam. I believe it."

Suddenly, I'm aware of something else.

"Did you know?" I groan, the wave of betrayal comes over me.

She shakes her head, "I knew it was a possibility. I didn't know when I swear."

I turn away from her and slam my hands on the ground. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

This cannot be happening.

"It's going to be okay," Bella tries to soothe me by rubbing more circles on my back.

"You don't know that!" I yell.

She immediately winces at my voice, pushing herself away from me. Despite my anger, my inner wolf howls at losing physical contact.

"Fuck! I'm sorry! Goddammit," I curse. I think I might cry.

 

 

 

 

 

"We have to go see her now."

Notes:

Nine more chapters, I think? Which seems like a small amount except I always aim for at least 5k words per chapter so it's basically a novella left lol. Anyway, I wanted to put in some sexy-time to make up for these irregular updates and give a slight happy break in all the incoming drama. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 32: Bella Part Sixteen

Summary:

“The same question arose in every soul: "For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed?” ― Leo Tolstoy

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

When I explain the epiphanies I just had, I only watch Leah's face.

I know I must be puttering nonsense, but slowly, I see her almost nod. Otherwise, she is completely stoic, stone-cold, almost as statuesque as Edward could be whenever my safety was first threatened by James. But she listens to me. And it makes all the difference to continue.

"I think you could be strong enough to take them down."

 

 

 

 

 

Sam almost pulls my heart out when he disagrees with me. He isn't looking at me with hatred, but I can see it in his eyes nonetheless. Hatred at the situation, maybe. Either way, my stomach lurches with guilt and I can feel the beginnings of tears pricking my eyes.

I never used to be so emotional before. Everything is different when it comes to him.

Carlisle defends me. Or, he defends the idea. He suggests injecting venom straight into Leah's heart and the idea almost makes bile rise in my throat. Everyone starts yelling soon after that.

But a miracle, or a curse, happens. Leah agrees.

"I'll do it."

More arguing from the group. I almost blackout from the barely restrained violence I hear in their words.

Edward defends me too. I let myself stare at him for a second too long as he tries to reach my eyes. I quickly look away.

And Alice, more than everyone else here, more than ever before, terrifies me. I have tripped a wire marking the line between her compassion and her devastation. A line I didn't know existed. And her wrath towards Leah is barely contained.

The argument continues, with no end in sight.

I cower in my seat.

 

 

 

 

 

I let Rosalie kick Sam out. And I can't even lie to myself that I feel the pinpricks of abandonment when he agrees, despite my telling him to. It hurts, but I am still going to see him tomorrow. I feel the need to course through me. It'll be the first thing I do once I finish school.

The Cullens, and Leah who has remained stuck to Jasper's side, wait minutes before speaking.

I don't look back at Edward while Esme and Rosalie walk me to the door. Alice trails along, and Jasper follows a step behind. The cortisol in my blood must be spiking as our disjointed group makes its way through the room. Oddly, I wonder if any of them can tell.

"Bella," Alice smiles at me, sickly sweet, "there is a better way."

Jasper suddenly loudly clears his throat. He looks at her with sharp eyes and Alice's smile drops.

"Another time," she finally says, voice lacking the usual genuine cheer she could always seem to muster. Yet, she still sports a fine smile, the joy not reaching her eyes. I have to turn away from her uncanny expression.

Rosalie links her arm with mine and guides me away from the pair to her car.

 

 

 

 

 

I have to tell Rose no once again to flying off to Florida. It's too late. And I can't be responsible for a newborn army following me across the country and causing endless destruction in their wake.

But the thought still makes me cry. What options left do I have to save myself and my baby? Am I betting it all on Leah?

 

 

 

 

 

After the past few times that Rosalie met me outside Forks High, I'm not surprised to see a flash of inhumanly perfect blonde hair out of the corner of my eye as I walk to my truck. But once a clearer picture hits my eyes, I startle.

"Jasper," I gasp.

He subtly nods at me.

"I had arranged to take watch of you for the current shift. There are a few things I would like to tell you, if you are so inclined, Bella."

I feel my throat begin to close, but even still, I force myself to nod, "Yeah, sure."

Despite not having any thoughts relating to this in a while, I'm forced to remember Jasper's part in his hypnosis of me. Of being literally drugged by Edward's scent to be hooked on him. But I remember Jasper's guilt from that night, and seeing it on his face now, I steel myself and follow him into the woods.

Another memory hits me, this time when I first confronted Edward about his true nature. A lifetime ago.

I wonder, even now, if the same twigs are snapping beneath my feet as I march into this unknown.

But we don't go as far as I did with Edward on that fateful day. Just enough to be well past earshot of school and anyone who has a watchful eye. Last time, I needed the full walk to build up the courage for what I was going to say. Now, it's already inside me.

"Are you going to help Leah?" I demand to know.

I cross my arms over my growing stomach and look straight at the back of his head, knowing he can feel my simmering rage.

He slowly turns around to face me. Those same, sad golden eyes Edward sports.

I feel the vitriol slowly leave me and anger in myself for still caring fills the vacuum instead.

"Regardless of what she decides," I add, forcing myself to be clear with him.

He doesn't move. Doesn't even blink.

"Yes," he finally answers.

"Okay," I breathe out and then nod. "Good."

The wind blows through the trees and the chill reaches my spine. The small rays of sunlight that peak through the forest are far away. Both of us now stand in the shadows

"I have to apologize for my part in hurting you," Jasper says.

I shake my head, "You don't…"

He cuts me off, "It doesn't matter whether I was reluctant, I still bear the responsibility of it. And it is my past experience that led to it happening."

I press my lips together.

I say nothing to allow him permission to continue, but nothing to deny it either. After many silent moments of waiting for me to say something, Jasper decides to press on anyway.

"I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings, you see. I was a Major in the Confederate Army. Three beautiful women found me one night. I thought I was coming to their aid, as a Southern gentleman ought to. The one who changed me, Maria, had just survived an ambush to her former coven, killing her mate. She hoped my military background would be useful in raising an army for territorial revenge. A newborn army."

My mouth drops open.

"I spent over 80 years by Maria's side, winning her territory bathed in blood. Begging her to love me all while knowing she did not. She used me to train the newborns and then dispose of them once their strength lessened to that of a regular vampire. I have killed many."

He unbuttons the sleeves of his dress shirt and shows me his arms. Littered across his pale skin are many tens of violent bitemarks. Silvery and barely there, I had never noticed before. But now that I see, it's impossible to tear my eyes away from them. I wonder, hopelessly, how many have tried to kill Jasper. The same number has failed.

His scars are not like that of a human. They seem to be almost indented as if a sculptor has ripped away tiny pieces of stone from a statue. But the shape is the same: just like the one on my wrist from James.

I shiver again.

"It was with Maria that I learned it is possible to intoxicate a person with a vampire's scent to force obsession upon them. It is even possible to do it to a vampire who has not yet found their mate. It is rare, and some level of attraction has to be there to begin, but it is possible."

Some level of attraction, I scoff in my head. As if I wasn't already unhealthily attached to Edward.

"It was immensely difficult for me to break away from her hold. You're aware of this."

"Yeah," I feel myself start to shake and I know I can't even look at Jasper as he talks.

"I hadn't even thought it possible for a human to do so. I only thought it was possible for me because I could always feel her love was never genuine. But you've been full of surprises, Bella."

"It's because I met Sam," I reason. My soulmate.

"Mmm, maybe," Jasper says, but he looks too far off in his own headspace to really agree with me.

"I stopped believing it was necessary to kill all the newborns after their first year of life," Jasper continues. "I stopped believing in all her ideas. And then I stopped loving her. Or believing I did, to begin with."

"I spent the next decade entirely alone. Unable to resist my own bloodlust, although I did try. Alice found me. Saw exactly when we'd need to meet and I would be forever hers, just like I thought I would be with Maria."

"Did Alice…?" I am almost afraid to ask.

"No," Jasper states. "She has other ways of getting me to do her bidding. And unfortunately, I have loved her too."

But now? The unspoken question lingers in the air.

"Alice was the one to finally convince me to stop feeding on humans. Even completely feeling their agony as they died wasn't enough to do it. She taught me how much stronger my abilities become when I have conquered the need for human blood. We lose physical strength and speed compared to other vampires on our vegetarian diet, yes, but the limits to what we can do with our gifts grow thrice as much. She knew everything I did with Maria would be just the beginning of what we could accomplish together."

I bite my lip. I barely even understand Jasper's gifts anyway. But maybe I barely understand any of them.

"Had Alice not known what Maria did to me, she would not have been able to conjure the same emotions on you with Edward. And with far more efficiency. There is a large part of me, I am ashamed to say, that was talked into it because I wished to see just how far I could push it."

It hurts, but I can't say it's unsurprising. I am beginning to see more of how the thirst for blood and the thirst for power overlap.

"The truly inexcusable part is using your past assault which Edward learned without your consent, to anchor you to him."

I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm growing nauseous again.

It's true what Jasper says about his guilt, but, "I still forgive you."

Jasper's eyes widen for a second too long, but he composes himself quickly. I am left wondering if he is ever able to use his emotion-controlling abilities on himself.

His voice is even rougher: "There is more, Bella. Victoria has learned of Maria's tactics of raising a newborn army to win back terrority. Alice saw her travel to Texas and Mexico to learn from whatever survivors remained. That is how she came up with this plan to exact revenge on you for her mate."

"You play a bigger part in this than I thought," I whisper.

"Yes," he agrees. "It is why I must make it right, with Leah."

"When?" I ask.

He shakes his head, "Soon. It is better if you don't know."

And unfortunately, I agree.

"I cannot claim to be entirely altruistic in my behavior even now, if I may be fully transparent with you. You were right that Alice cannot see Leah in the future when you brought it up last night. And by her imprinting on me, if I stay near Leah, Alice cannot see me either. For over fifty years, I have not been able to make any decisions without her seeing ahead. I lost all agency and now I have just found my way back to it."

"But don't you love her?"

Jasper nods, "Yes, but as is so often in life, there is a choice between love and opportunity. There are things I need to do without her watchful eye following me."

My head pounds with the information thrown at me. So much of it these days, I can barely keep anything straight.

"But it isn't right to offer up Leah as a sacrifice," I counter. Though the sting of hypocrisy hits me across the face. Isn't that what I'm doing too?

"It is in my interest to keep Leah alive."

I shake my head, unconvinced but utterly helpless to do anything else.

"I am not a selfless person, Bella. Without feeling all the pain of my victims, I might not have been pushed over the edge to stop feeding, even knowing greater power was a possibility. It had to be both together. This is the hand I have been dealt, so I must go forward with it."

"Just make sure she gets to live too," I whisper.

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as I make it back to my truck, I head for Sam's house.

There's a nervousness jittering in me that I can't fully explain. Or don't want to.

"Hi," I say. And all the butterflies return.

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn't go smoothly at first. Sam is eager to discuss yesterday evening and with the words of Jasper still swirling around in my head, I find it hard to entirely think straight.

"Sam, I only mean to tell you that you might not be able to expect this to go your way," I manage to get out.

I find a current of bravery and grab his hand to hold. His reaction to my touch electrifies me. His eyes close and I almost hear him moan. The whisper of sound goes up my spine and I almost shiver. All of me begins to warm up and if he looked, I know he'd find my face turning red.

Still, he is unconvinced by my words: "It can't happen. It can't."

I decide to aim for a distraction instead. There's a heat pooling between my thighs and I twitch, still not entirely sure I should act on it. But nothing is going to happen tonight on the newborn front. And I'm painfully aware of how long it has been since I have been touched.

"I'm, uh, feeling a bit tired. Would you mind if I used your bed?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Make me forget."

I've kissed him, dipped my hand in his jeans to make my point clear. Now, I beg him with my words. I can see Sam's resolve waver. I chase it.

"It's Tuesday night. The newborn army is coming in five days. I might only have five days to live."

"You are going to live," he sighs at me.

I try to silence him with a finger to his soft, perfect lips: "But just for a second, imagine that isn't true. If I've only got five more days, I want every second to count. I want to be with you now."

Need burns so deep inside of me, I scarcely remember a time without it. Memories of that party sear through my nerves. I begin to remember, in vivid detail, what our first time together was like. Words that I can't even say within my own mind. Only images, only the ghost of past touches fluttering on my skin.

I barely pay attention to Sam's rebuttals and warnings.

"Take me."

 

 

 

 

 

Sam positions me on top of him. And though I crave to be devoured, to devour every inch of him, I know I'm not hiding my nervousness well.

I'm shirtless and mewling and still, he says: "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

He makes me undress and I demand the favor to be returned.

And now, in the light, and fully sober, I am acutely struck by just how large Sam is. Every part of him. My spine tingles when I realize that somehow, I have handled all of him. And I am begging to do it again.

Sam touches me with a single finger and I know I melt. The contact, the friction, it is close to the best thing I have ever felt. Though he is talented in his movements, it is not enough.

"I want all of you," I whimper, embarrassed of how desperate I must sound. He doesn't say anything about it.

Instead, Sam smiles down at me, "You can have all of me."

 

 

 

 

 

I am on top.

He is inside of me.

The world stops.

 

 

 

 

 

I've dreamed of pleasure. I've buried the memories of the first time I've done this with Sam deep within my subconscious. And yet, I don't think I was perfectly able to recall what this felt like. For I am certain this is heaven and I've somehow died.

Sam flips us over on his bed so he is driving into me from above. My whole body is shaking. I don't believe this kind of pleasure could be possible with anyone but him. My imprint.

I try to pull his hand down to touch me in an especially sensitive spot like he did our first time, but he pulls away.

"You're going to come on my cock only," he commands.

I think I cry out, in pleasure, pain, frustration. In the shock of his explicit words. It does not matter. I can feel the build regardless. The release I did not know I needed until now. It's grueling and I am unable to think of an existence outside of this moment. If I am reducing to nothing more than a body devoted to sex, I wouldn't argue.

Sam hooks one of my legs over his shoulder so he can bury even deeper inside of me. Sparks of light fly behind my eyes.

"Look at me." I hear Sam's voice even though I am certain my spirit has left my body by now.

I can't.

"Look." The voice becomes more demanding.

I can't, I can't.

I can't even think.

I know this release I am chasing is close. I know Sam feels it too.

I am capable of nothing other than following this feeling.

"Look. Please look at me."

And I do.

I erupt.

Sam follows.

We are together.

 

 

 

 

 

I am inches away from falling into a deep sleep, the kind I seem to crave more and more as my pregnancy progresses when I hear Sam yell out from his bathroom.

I throw off all the blankets on me and rush to his side.

He's still naked from his shower, throwing up so violently I assume he had no time to even cover himself. A million thoughts pass through me. Did he get sick somehow? What is happening? I thought the pack was fairly immune from normal illnesses. Then I grow paranoid and worry someone has poisoned him.

It's only when I see the tears streaming down his face and his whole being shake, that I realize what he is having a reaction to may not be about himself. It reminds me, too much, of my reaction when they left.

I reach out to him, rubbing his back while he continues to dry heave, and hope this is going to be okay.

"They've done it. They've killed her." His voice is harsh, rough, unforgiving.

It's happened already?

More panic hits me. How does he know? How can that be possible? I know the pack is connected, but this is beyond my understanding. And worst of all, I wonder what it feels like. To feel violent change miles away.

I bite my lip and try to give him some peace, "She could live, Sam. I believe it."

But his expression changes to one of bitter doubt. He looks at me like I have ushered in the greatest betrayal. I was the one who came up with this idea after all.

"Did you know?" he demands of me.

"I knew it was a possibility. I didn't know when, I swear," I cry to him, begging him to believe me.

He doesn't.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he yells, disturbingly unhinged.

I rub his back more, trying to get him to stop shaking. "It's going to be okay," But I don't think my voice is all that convincing.

"You don't know that!" he yells.

I jump away from him now. The most hate I've ever felt from him since I've known him and it's directed at me. I feel myself start to panic.

"Fuck! I'm sorry! Goddammit," he says soon after, noticing my reaction.

He reaches out and squeezes my hand, but not without enough force to truly convince me he's okay. His body is still continuing to spasm from the shock and I beg every fiber of myself to remain calm for him.

"We have to go see her now," he demands.

I nod and stand up, handing him a simple blue towel to cover himself and wipe off whatever vomit remains on his chin.

"I'll drive," I tell him. And I swallow the fear building in my mouth because while I can do this for him, I don't know what we're going to find over there. I worry it might change everything.

Sam immediately puts his clothes back on. A pair of underwear and jean shorts, nothing else.

We nearly run into my truck, harshly slamming the doors, and I make the harshest turn out of Sam's dirt driveway that I've ever made since I got my license. The tires squeal and for many moments after, the splitting noise is the only thing I can hear. Everything in my brain turns to mush. But after leaving the boundaries of the rez and heading down the highway to the Cullen's house, the guilt resurfaces.

"Sam, I am so sorry," I start to cry. The tears flow freely once again and I curse myself.

I quickly steal a glance at him. His jaw is tight and I can see him grind his teeth harshly, looking as if he is trying to hold back another scream.

He doesn't say anything and the words fall out of me to dispel the deafening silence.

"Jasper told me it would be better if I didn't know when. I swear I didn't know it would be tonight!"

"Bella," Sam grits out my name. "Don't."

I sob now, feeling like the road is vanishing out in front of me. I grip the steering while tighter.

"I wasn't trying to distract you, I promise! I promise I wouldn't do that."

What I want to say but can't: my feelings for you are genuine.

Instead: "Jasper told me he wouldn't let her die. She'll be okay. She'll be okay, I swear."

And even though I don't know it with certainty, I can feel the universe listening to my begging.

"Bella," Sam says again, his voice only a little less violent this time, "they're messing with you. Can't you see that?"

"Yes," I agree, even though I don't know what I'm saying. Anything, everything, to get him to not be mad at me anymore.

"They're jumping at the opportunity to kill one of us. They can't possibly believe in this idea."

I don't know, I don't know.

Jasper was sincere. I felt it.

The Cullens are already outside when I pull into their driveway. Most of them anyway. I have a feeling I know where Jasper is. Or specifically, who he is guarding.

Esme and Rosalie hold onto each other. They stare at me and look as if they wish to pull me away, but the moment for that has long passed. Emmett smartly stands off to the side and Edward scowls at Sam emerging from my truck.

Alice, absent.

Carlisle steps forward to speak, still donning his medical coat and stethoscope around his neck. And I suddenly envision him in this very set up regularly telling loved ones of patients lost. I stagger walking towards him next to Sam.

"Where is she?" Sam demands. It is the harshest I have ever heard his voice. I understand now why he was chosen to be alpha. Just how commanding he can be.

Carlisle casts his eyes downward, "I am sorry for this, Sam. I should have seen Jasper's plans beforehand. I truly apologize on their behalf for your lack of notice."

Sam shakes his head, "I don't want your apology, fuck. I want to see her."

"What's the point?" Edward sighs, almost bored-sounding. "It's already happened."

"Edward," Carlisle chides, disappointed lines forming around his sculpted eyes. "Please, follow me."

Carlisle gestures with an open arm for us to follow into their home once more. I know he has a study somewhere that he keeps medical equipment in.

Edward grabs ahold of Sam's arms as we are about to march into the dim halls. Sam reacts quickly, pulling away and growling at the contact.

"At least one of us had to make the hard choice to protect her."

Edward looks at me and my stomach flips. I immediately look away from him. Sam growls loudly now and drags me away from the rest of the Cullens. I look back at Rose and Esme and try to promise them I am fine with my eyes. I doubt it worked.

The hallways of this house have never felt so long. But here we are, about to enter a room I nearly considered forbidden, to peer into the new future I am responsible for.

Jasper sits with Leah. His eyes don't leave her even though he knows we've entered the room.

I watch Sam freeze upon seeing his packmate. All of his obvious plans of confronting, likely fighting Jasper, vanish in the open view of her. As we approach, the sight no longer obscured, we both stare in disbelief.

Leah rests, her body paralyzed on a cold, metal gurney as if she has seemingly died. Giant, and empty, needles cast to the side. Her russet skin seems both less vibrant and somehow more dazzling at the same time. Her short hair shines. And I know deep within me that if she were to open her eyes, they would be blood red.

The sight of her takes the breath out of my lungs.

Have…have I done this?

"She was injected with morphine before the venom," Carlisle says, his quiet and steady voice sounding hollow to my ears. "I believe this may lessen or even eliminate the pain for her."

I blink, his words not really resonating with me.

"As you can see, her transformation seems to be occurring quicker than that of a normal human. We can't rely on the known timeline of three days for her to wake. It may be much sooner."

I realize I've backed up away from her body as I've hit Sam's chest. He steadies me and then does not let go of my arms, as if to keep me from catching this impossible disease that has struck our friend. I shake in his grip.

"Then what?" he grits out.

Carlisle sighs. I remember that vampires often do that to appear more human to us. He sighs because he is preparing us for an unsettling truth. A cue normally only picked up by us subconsciously, but it stands so obvious to me now. My stomach drops.

"Her hunger may be different from that of a regular vampire as well. I apologize once again, Sam, but we all appear to be in the dark here."

I swallow the saliva in my mouth.

"It is a miracle she has survived."

I count the seconds for Sam's reaction. Five. Ten. Twenty. I beg him without words just to say something.

"If she harms any of the residents of Forks or our land, our treaty will be broken."

"We can restrain her," Jasper, finally, speaks. Finally, turning his head to us. Golden eyes that betray absolutely no emotion. It shocks me this is the same person I talked to after school only a few hours before.

But if looks alone could kill, Sam would have decimated Jasper long ago.

"Isn't the whole point of this fucking plan to create a thing that is stronger than both of us. How the fuck are we going to restrain her?" Sam demands. "Did you think of that, huh? She's going to want to drain everyone in the fucking area."

Jasper stands now and I cower further in Sam's arms. The vampire's perfectly straight posture and unblinking eyes unsettle me to the core of my being. He doesn't even look at me as he addresses Sam.

"You are right. There is no need for a 'we.' I alone can keep her in line. You surely know how imprints work by now, right?"

I look up at Sam's face to see his clenched jaw. I catch his eyes only for the briefest of moments.

"I will know when she wakes. I will not abandon her."

And then Sam tugs me away from them, away from the Cullen's home, and into an uncertain future I am unable to guard against.

Notes:

Terribly sorry it's once again taken me months to update. But hey, only 8 more chapters to go! Thanks to everyone who reads!

Notes:

So yeah, I dunno. Just had to write the story lol