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Leonard's Very Bad Night

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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.




Actually, that's not quite true. There was that time that Sheldon and I tried to get Penny's television back from her old boyfriend...


But I digress. This time, the night started off well enough. I had a date with a girl from the geology department. A nice girl. Pretty. Not Penny pretty, but pretty. A little shorter than I am, even.


Sheldon wasn't happy about it, of course. I got a fifteen minute lecture about how it was vintage video game Friday, and how he'd spent weeks tracking down PC versions of Leather Goddesses of Phobos and Planetfall. (The only way I mollified him was by getting Howard and Raj to come over and play. Luckily that was pretty easy, after all, Leather Goddesses, right?)


I picked Ann up at her condo, and the two of us went to dinner. After dinner, we went to the movies. That's where things started going to hell. We were waiting for the previews to start when Sheldon slid into the seat beside Ann, giant Slushee in one hand and a container of cheese drenched nachos in the other.


What are you doing here?” I asked, already knowing that the death glare I was eying him with was a total waste of effort.


Howard insisted on playing Leather Goddesses with the naughtiness level set on 'lewd.' That's just wrong in so many ways,” Sheldon had answered, as he looked around. “Ann, schooch over to the other side of Leonard.”


Luckily, Ann already knew Sheldon from work, so she didn't ask why. It spared all of us from the lecture about acoustic sweet spots and prime viewing angles. She shifted to my right, and Sheldon moved into what had been her seat just as the theater darkened.


Of course, Sheldon talked all the way through the previews, but given that he was complaining that “Vampires simply do not sparkle,” I couldn't really fault him for it. Unfortunately, as we deduced later, Sheldon's preoccupation with sparkly vampires kept him from paying attention to the opening scenes of the movie.


That all changed when the ravens swarmed and attacked the town. Sheldon screamed, and somehow his nachos landed cheese side down in my lap. The cheese was hot. Actually, it was really hot, and that heat was quickly seeping through my pants and burning a very sensitive portion of my anatomy. Ann claims that I screamed, too, although I don't remember it.


She grabbed Sheldon's Slushee away from him and dumped it on top of the offending cheese. The burning stopped, but I was left covered in congealing cheese sauce and soaked with sticky, melting, cherry-flavored ice. Suffice to say that I was not happy. “What the hell?” I yelled at Sheldon, ignoring the various people near us making shushing noises.


Why would you bring me to see a movie with birds? You know I'm terrified of birds!” Sheldon's voice had climbed at least an octave. On the screen, the ravens were ripping apart some innocent bystander. Sheldon had turned away and was trying to stick his fingers in his ears and cover his eyes with his hands, both at the same time.


Bring you? I don't remember bringing you!” I shouted back. “Besides, what did you expect from a movie titled 'Kaw?'”


Kaw? I thought that was a typo. I thought they were showing Saw!”


It was about then that the usher showed up and threw us all out of the theater.


We walked back to my car, and I used some napkins I found in the glove box to try to get the Slushee and cheese off of me, with little success. Sheldon demanded that I remove my pants for the drive home, for fear that I would permanently contaminate the seat and leave a sour odor in the vehicle. By then I was argued out, so I did as he said and put my pants in a plastic bag. I handed the bag to Sheldon. I thought he put it in the back.


I didn't know that the fuse had blown, and both of my tail lights were out. At least, I didn't know until the officer stopped me. Of course, my wallet was in my pants. The pants that Sheldon had thoughtfully tossed in the trashcan back at the parking lot...