My name is Johnny, and I'm just a regular happy-go-lucky guy. I work in a bank. I play football. I have a beautiful ex-future wife named Lisa. She is always surprising me with her sexy red dresses and pizza.
My ex-best friend's name is Mark. He's an expert on women, even though he does not have a girlfriend!
I love Denny like a son. He takes drugs.
I know, you are wondering. You have a great life, Johnny! But why are you telling me about it?
I will explain it to you later. I'm meeting Mark for football and coffee right now. Bye.
What I did not tell you the first time is that I am not just a regular happy-go-lucky guy - I am also dead!
Don't worry about it. Things are different, but still the same.
I am a ghost because I was fed up with this world. Now, I'm in a different place that is also the same. You get what I am saying.
When you are a ghost, people scream and run away. At first, this makes me sad, because I love people! I am a people-person. Well, now, a people-ghost. Ha, ha!
The first time I woke up as a ghost, I did not know it. I brushed my hair and put on a suit and left for work. My co-workers at the bank were surprised to see me. I forgave them for stealing my ideas and not giving me a promotion, because I like to forgive. They did not appreciate it. They called a priest to come into the bank, and he read some crazy words from a bible, and WHOOSH! I went floating right out!
When I fell on the ground and did not hurt myself, I knew I was a ghost.
What a situation!
Then I went to buy a bagel and I ate it. Bagels still taste good, even when you are a ghost.
Later, I thought, if I am a ghost, I will find the people who hurt me and I will frighten them! It is a terrible thing to admit, but I had sadness in my heart and I wanted to put sadness in theirs.
I first walked to Lisa's house. No, first I walked to my old house. But it had been sold to some new people, and they were nice, so I just said hi to them and said hi to their cat, and then went to Lisa's house.
Actually, Lisa is living with her mother, Claudette. It is Claudette's house.
I went to Claudette's house to see Lisa. I walked through the door. Ghosts can't open doors, they walk through them! How crazy.
Lisa was sitting on a couch. I stared at her, basking in her beauty. How could I frighten the woman I love? She betrayed me and is a bitch, but she's so sexy and beautiful! I can't hurt her. I can't do it.
"Oh, hi, Lisa," I said.
Lisa gasped, her beautiful blonde hair swaying when she turned her head to look at me.
"What are you doing here, Johnny?"
"I came to see you."
"Because I still love you, Lisa."
"But you're dead, Johnny. You're a ghost."
"I know that, Lisa."
"How can we make passionate love when you don't have a body?"
"We may never be able to make passionate love again, but we can still do a lot of things together."
"Like what, Johnny? Like what?"
"We can light candles and listen to great sexy music. You can wrap my necktie around your head when you get drunk!"
Lisa looks great when she does that.
"That's not enough, Johnny."
"I wasn't finished."
"You can order pizza and I can watch you eat it! I will still buy you roses! We can talk about all of the other great times we made passionate love! Memories are strong, Lisa. Memories can make us whole."
"How can you support us, Johnny? Who will hire a ghost?"
All of my hopes and dreams came crashing down at this single question. How could I support us without a job? If I went back to the bank, they would just call back the priest again, and even though WHOOSHing out of the bank was fun, I don't know if I wanted to do that every single day.
"I don't know. I will try."
I went to see Denny next. He couldn't get me a job but I love him like a son. He still needed money for Chris-R. I gave him a dollar.
Next, I went to see Mark. He was watching TV when I walked through the door.
"Oh, hi, Mark."
"Hi, Johnny. How are you?"
"Oh, I don't know."
"Lisa said you're a ghost now."
"What are you going to do for a job?"
"That's my whole problem, Mark. I still love Lisa and she still loves me, but how can I support us? People are unfair to ghosts. I am the best worker the bank ever had and now they won't even let me stay inside!"
"I wish I could help."
"Yes. I wish I hadn't killed myself. I was fed up with this world, but now I'm still fed up and also have no job!"
"That really sucks."
"What are you watching on TV?"
"I don't know. Just some game show."
"What's it about?"
"People jump into a giant ball pit with numbers written on the balls. Then they have to catch a ball in their mouth and whatever number is written on it, that's how much money they win."
"That sounds like quite a program, Mark."
"Do you have any bagels?"
I went to see Steven. He could not get me a job. I don't know where he works. He is still a good friend. We're going to have coffee next Thursday.
Claudette is a bitch and not supportive.
"Put an ad in the classifieds."
Lisa was upset.
"Johnny's a ghost, Mom. People don't like ghosts. It's not that easy to get a job anymore."
"Nothing is easy in this world, whether you're a ghost or not. Johnny needs to learn that."
I still don't have a job. I keep looking. Every day, I keep looking. But I have a great ex-future wife and great ex-best friend at my side while I go through the great, beautiful journey of ex-life.
But that is enough about me! You haven't talked about yourself at all! What is your name? Where do you live?
And how is your sex life?