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Not This Shit Again (TCFAG 2)

Chapter Text


Listen Up, Fuckers


Thursday, 7:00 am


CATana: Everyone meet at the agency at noon


CATana: this meeting isn’t optional


Bandades_and_Babes: sucks to be u ADA, someones in trouble


CATana: u too Tachihara


Bandades_and_Babes: wait what?


Noticemesenpai: lol now who’s in trouble


Bandades_and_Babes: shut up Ichiyou


Furry: President, can I ask what the meeting is about?


CATana: you may not


Ginge: does this meeting include me?


CATana: yes


Ginge: okay


AngryChuuyaNoises: I’m still trying to make arrangements for my deceased members


CATana: please do your best to be there, Chuuya-kun


AngryChuuyaNoises: okay


AngryChuuyaNoises: as long as Tachihara isn’t being a little shit


Bandades_and_Babes: why are you all picking on me??


Noticemesenpai: Because its fun why else?


Furry: @HamsterChow did u ever find Dazai-san?


HamsterChow: I did yes


Ginge: was he in a bucket again?


AngryChuuyaNoises: better not have been or im gunna kick his ass


HamsterChow: no he wasn’t


AngryChuuyaNoises: so how was he fucking off then?


HamsterChow: ill tell you later


AngryChuuyaNoises: okay?


No: can you guys actually have a normal sleep schedule for once?


Ginge: can u not light on fire as soon as its daylight?


No: hahaha very funny


Ginge: I thought so


GremlinwaKnife: so did I


Ginge: teamwork


GremlinwaKnife: hell yeah


TofuThief: shut up and let me go back to sleep


No: silence your phone


TofuThief: doesn’t stop atsushi’s phone from buzzing against the closet door


No: pfft


GremlinwaKnife: keep it up atsushi


Furry: I plan to. Im watching youtube w it leaning against the wall


Furry: nvm kyouka nearly ripped the door off


GremlinwaKnife: atta girl


TofuThief: it was annoying me


Furry: ur violent


TofuThief: it could be ur balls instead


Furry: that’s okay I don’t need to have kids


No: kids?


Ginge: more like he just wants to be able to nut


Furry: shut it


Ginge: make me


Furry: I cant kyouka might slice me if I wake her up again


Thoushaltshutup: wait wtf why r u all awake we don’t start work until like nine


Bandades_and_Babes: b cim being bullied


Furry: the President called a mandatory meeting for everyone at noon


Thoushaltshutup: oh?


Thoushaltshutup: @CATana is everything okay?


CATana: everything will be explained at the meeting


Furry: is someone like dead or something??


CATana: no no one is dead


Furry: okay that’s a relief


Thoushaltshutup: almost gave me a heart attack


Furry: yeah I don’t think we can deal with that rn esp not u


Thoushaltshutup: my thoughts exactly kid


Furry: im psychic


Ginge: no youre just stupid


Furry: psychic ~


Ginge: ffs


Furry: fuck u go back to sleep


Ginge: I cant


Noticemesenpai: why not?


Ginge: Naomi is getting ready for school and singing obnoxiously in the shower


GremlinwaKnife: oof glad im not there


No: ill go sing instead


Furry: yes bc that’s a punishment ryu


No: it is


Noticemesenpai: literally shut up before I murder you


No: no


Noticemesenpai: whoops I guess ill have to load my gun


No: big scary


Thoushaltshutup: guys wtf


KyoukasBitch: shut the fuck up and let me sleep


Ginge: turn ur ringer off little man


KyoukasBitch: It IS off


KyoukasBitch: but that doesn’t stop the incessant BUZZING


Furry: using big words when ur tired huh?


KyoukasBitch: I will cut you


Furry: with what


KyoukasBitch: I got too many options don’t even try me


Ginge: lol same


Thoushaltshutup: nO—


Ginge: relax u have them


Thoushaltshutup: oh yeah


KyoukasBitch: how r u a doctor


Thoushaltshutup: someones cranky


Furry: see this is why u don’t wake him


Bandades_and_Babes: interesting


Furry: no I know what ur thinking


Bandades_and_Babes: u know nothing


No: ur right about that


Furry: fuck off


No: I think u were looking for fuck u


Furry: yes


No: exactly




Noticemesenpai: hello pot


Ginge: no no no


Ginge: no


Ginge: incorrect


Noticemesenpai: I thought that said inerrect


Furry: maybe right now but not for long LMAO


Ginge: ATSU




Thoushaltshutup: manners Kenji


KyoukasBitch: manners yourself bitch doctor


Thoushaltshutup: what have u guys created


Furry: that


Thoushaltshutup: I hope youre happy w yourselves


Ginge: pls he was like that before when someone woke him up


Thoushaltshutup: that’s fair


Ginge: ik I said it


Thoushaltshutup: watch it…


Ginge: lol


Ginge: maybe


Ginge: or maybe not




Mumbling reverberated off the walls of the Agency in anticipation. Due to the number of individuals involved, Fukuzawa instructed Kunikida to set up chairs in the Agency’s main office instead of their miniscule meeting room, which had barely been enough for their last meeting. As more people trickled in the volume rose, which caused Kunikida to roll his eyes. Not a moment of silence with these people, he’d swear it.


Atsushi sat chatting with Junichiro and Kyouka in the front row, the spot next to Kyouka open for Kenji. Kunikida stood in front of them, resting against Ranpo and Poe’s now shared desk. He watched them with furrowed brows, wondering how they would take the coming news. Junichiro wasn’t in a good place himself and was particularly set off by Dazai and Atsushi was his apprentice with unwavering faith in his ability to be a good man. Would that change? And Kyouka… she partially saw herself in Dazai. So what kind of message would this put in her head?


Kenji slipped into the room behind Tachihara and Higuchi and wandered up to the front, plopping down in the chair beside Kyouka. Junichiro leaned forward and grinned at him, joking about his tardiness, to which the blond rolled his eyes and quipped back that he wasn’t technically late.


Ango appeared in the doorway, a woman with cyan hair appearing behind him, peering around the doorframe. He beckoned her to follow him in as he headed for the front of the room, waving at Kunikida. “Hey.”


Kunikida nodded at him. “How’s it going?”


Ango rubbed his temples. “Same old same old. This, is Tsujimura, by the way.”




Kunikida smiled at her and held out his hand, which she immediately shook. “Hello.”




She turned to look for the voice, eyes landing on a small blond boy sitting behind her. “Yes?”


His face broke into a grin. “Hi! I’m Kenji!”


“Hi Kenji. Can you introduce me to your friends?”


“This is my girlfriend, Kyouka. And beside her is Atsushi and Junichiro.”


Her eyes paused on Junichiro for a moment, and then focused on Atsushi. “It’s nice to finally put faces to name.”


Atsushi rubbed the back of his neck. “I hope I wasn’t what you were imagining with a name like ‘furry.’”


“Oh no, of course not!”


“I probably was.”


“Yeah, well you are a ginger,” Atsushi hissed. Jun only snorted.


“Why don’t you sit down, Mizuki,” said Ango. “I’ll join you in a minute.”


She nodded and took the seat beside Kenji. “Do you guys know what this meeting is about?”


“No,” said Atsushi. “The President wouldn’t tell us.”


“That can’t be good.”


“Speaking of the President,” said Kyouka. “Where is he?”


“I haven’t seen him today,” said Atsushi.


“Me neither,” said Kenji.






In front of them, Kunikida glanced up and met Naomi’s eyes as she came in the door, school bag over her shoulder. “Yes, Naomi-chan?”


“I thought the President was running this meeting?”


“He is. He’s just, er, running behind.”


She raised a brow but said nothing, instead sitting in the chair directly behind Jun and wrapping her arms around his neck from behind. “Hey, you.”


He turned and pecked her cheek. “Hi. How’s school been so far?”


“Oh, good! I made crepes in class this morning!”


“Mmm, sounds good.”


“They were.”


A few pairs of eyes turned to the back of the room as two figures walked in, one being Akutagawa and the other, Chuuya. Akutagawa went straight to Atsushi and flicked his head, while Chuuya went straight to Kunikida.


“So, where did Dazai fuck off to yesterday? And where is he now?”


Kunikida blanked. “Uh…”


“Is it a hard question.”




Chuuya gave him a look. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not having a good day. I waited outside Dazai’s dorm for a few hours last night and he never showed up.”


“Chuuya, I, he,” Kunikida spluttered. “I’m so sorry. Something came up and I had his phone and it was all a big mess. He didn’t mean to ignore you.”




“It’s all going to get explained.”


“What do you—”


The room went silent as the door swung open once more, all eyes turning to Fukuzawa. The man held a stoic expression as he stepped to the side to let someone through—Dazai. Eyes downcast and shoulders rounded, the group watched Fukuzawa usher him to the front of the room where he stood with Kunikida. Fukuzawa set a bag down on the table and began rifling through it.


Chuuya, while his face still showed anger, held concern in his eyes. “Where were you last night, Osamu?”


“Something came up.”


“Was it really that important?” Chuuya’s voice raised slightly above the din and Dazai flinched, backing towards Kunikida. The anger fell from Chuuya’s face. “Why are you scared of me? Did something happen?”


Dazai shook his head.


“You’re never scared of me, what’s going on?” Chuuya asked, stepping towards him.


Dazai stepped back again and Kunikida blocked Chuuya with an arm across his partner. “It’s going to be explained, Chuuya.”


“I… What’s going on?”


“You should sit down, Chuuya-kun,” sighed Fukuzawa. “Actually, everyone should sit down.”


The remainder of the people who were standing scrambled to find a seat and a hand popped up in the group. Kajii. “Where’s Mori? Isn’t he supposed to be here, too.”


“Yes, he’ll be here. He had a meeting and is running behind.”


“Are we going to wait?” Higuchi asked.


“No need. He already knows what I’m about to tell you all.”


There were some scowls and raised brows, but everyone sat attentively, waiting for Fukuzawa to begin. He glanced around the room, taking a deep breath before he began. “So, we all know what happened yesterday, correct?”


“With Chuuya’s subordinates?” Tachihara asked.


“Yes. You’re all aware that there was an incident inside of the Port Mafia’s base, resulting in the deaths of three unarmed workers under Chuuya?” A chorus of yesses. “Okay. As I remember, Mori said there would be an investigation. And there was—of sorts. We were quickly able to identify who was involved and why the incident occurred.”


“Who?” Akutagawa asked.


“Well, the reason I called you all here is because we all know who it was. And it wasn’t their fault, but—“’


“Dazai?” Kouyou’s voice was incredulous. “How could you do that to Chuuya?”


Dazai’s eyes widened and Kunikida squeezed the back of his arm. “Breathe.”


Fukuzawa cleared his throat. “That’s the issue. Dazai was affected by the ability of someone else.”


“Likely story!” Tachihara growled.


“Do you know of an ability user by the name of Yumeno Kyuusaku?” Immediately, a few faces in the group paled. “Yumeno cornered Dazai yesterday in the building and activated their ability, which is a mind-control type ability.”


“That can’t be right,” Kajii interjected. “Any ability that touches Dazai gets nullified!”


“Yes, well, this ability is slightly different. Because the handprint Yumeno leaves on their victim isn’t technically the ability but a side-affect, it stays on his skin. And the doll they rip to activate the mind control doesn’t touch Dazai, because if it does, then it is nullified.”


“So, what?” Higuchi blurted. “Yumeno gets this mind control bullshit on Dazai and he kills Chuuya’s subordinates and no one else? No harm to anything else or anyone else? I call bullshit!”


“If you’ll just hear us out—”




All eyes moved to Chuuya, sitting directly across from where Dazai stood. Azure eyes remained locked on him, pain and concern fighting for dominance of his features. Dazai said nothing in return, only looked back at him through his bangs, hands trembling. The group remained silent as they watched the two men, waiting for one of them to say something. But neither of them had the right words.


Instead, Tachi stood from his chair. “How can you look so scared when you just killed three people in cold blood?”


Dazai’s eyes widened and Kunikida stepped partially in front of him, sending Tachihara a warning look. In retaliation, Atsushi jumped up. “Leave him alone, Q’s ability is scarily powerful!”


“Oh come on. There’s no way that’s what happened!”


“Sit down, Tachihara,” demanded Hirotsu, beside him.


“Are you serious? He killed three of our own!”


“Not on his own free will,” growled Akutagawa, standing as well. The black coat glowed red on his back, rippling with his anger.


“Why are you defending someone who treated you like shit,” Gin spat. “He’s clearly capable of it!”


Rashoumon’s tendrils hovered in the air beside his head. “How dare you.”


“How dare she?” Kouyou cried, Golden Demon appearing beside her. “How dare Dazai.”


“Leave him alone!” Atsushi bellowed, his ears and tail appearing. “He didn’t do it on his own free will if he was under Q’s curse!”


“Problem’s that he wasn’t,” said Higuchi.


“He was,” said Hirotsu.


“Do you wanna go, Gramps?” Tachihara snarled, grabbing his collar and hauling him to his feet.


Hirotsu’s hand glowed purple. “Do you really wanna go that way?”


“How could you believe that guy?”


“He was under Q’s curse!” Naomi cried. “I’ve seen it in action!”


“Oh whatever,” Kajii scoffed, trying to get her and Haruno to hear him over the outbreak of separate arguments around the room. “You haven’t seen it work on Dazai, now have you?”


“We saw Dazai stop it once,” said Haruno. “After Atsushi cracked me over the back of the head with his tiger fist.”


“He choked me! And that’s not something he’d ever do!”

“Yeah, well Dazai nullified it that time. It just wouldn’t work on him.”


On the other side of the room, Higuchi screamed at Akutagawa, who yanked her off her feet with Rashoumon. At the same time, Gin rushed Atsushi, holding him against the wall with her knife pressed to his throat. Junichiro disappeared into thin air. Kenji watched Kyouka storm towards Dazai, Demon Snow trailing behind her.


His eyes widened as he glanced around the room. Gin now on Akutagawa’s back, trying to get her knife back from Rashoumon. Higuchi in mid-air while Golden demon fought Rashoumon. Fukuzwa and Yosano kneeling in front of Ranpo and Poe, who’d sank to the floor with their hands over their ears. Tsujimura bickering with Ango and Katai, the lights flickering from his anger. Atsushi and Kyouka having a yelling match in front of Kunikida, who still had a protective arm across Dazai. Kenji heard his heartbeat in his ears, his glass of water shattering in his fist.


As the pieces of glass hit the floor, Yosano looked over, jaw dropping at the blood dribbling out of his fist. Kenji only stared at his shaking hand.


The only person not involved in the chaos seemed to be Chuuya, who sat perfectly still in his chair, a red glow enveloping his body. He said nothing, only stared at Dazai, seemingly unaware of his hat floating off his head.


The screaming continued. Gin now sat on Akutagawa’s shoulder, yelling at him to put Higuchi down while Kouyou helped Tachihara fight Hirotsu. Ranpo and Poe had migrated to under the desk. Kunikida stepped in front of Dazai as Demon Snow encroached on him, the backswing of her arm knocking Kenji flying back into the wall. Junichiro was still nowhere to be found.


And then the lights shut off.


And back on.


Everyone froze, eyes trained on Mori as he strode to the front of the room. “Stop your fighting,” he said, glancing around at all of them, frozen mid-strike. “It wasn’t Dazai’s fault.”

Chapter Text

Thursday, 12:30 pm


Stunned silence filled the room, all eyes glued to Mori. He watched them with a stern gaze, as if daring them to talk back.


With the calming of his heart, Rashoumon disappeared, Gin’s knife clattering to the floor along with Higuchi and her gun. Golden Demon vanished as well with no enemy to fight. The same thing happened around the room, the abilities that had run rampant calming themselves. Atsushi’s ears and tail retreated, as did Demon Snow. The lights stopped flickering, Junichiro reappeared in his chair, and the purple glow in Hirotsu’s palm seemed to seep back into his skin.


As Gin climbed off of her brother and Chuuya’s hat fell back onto his head, Mori sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Now, if you’re all done picking unnecessary fights, I’d like to explain. So please settle down and take a seat.”


Muttering filed the room as the group headed back to their seats. Well, most of them. On the left side of the room, Kenji pushed himself out of a hole in the drywall, cradling one of his hands. “Um… There’s still glass in my hand.”


“Kenji!” Kyouka gasped, rushing to steady him. “My God, who threw you into the wall?”


“No one, it’s fine. Forget it.”


“It was Demon Snow,” hissed Atsushi as he passed, sitting back down.


“Demon Snow hit you?”


“It wasn’t on purpose—I’m okay, Kyouka.”


“Sit down, Kenji-kun,” said Yosano, directing him to a chair. “Let me get this glass out of your hand.”


“How did you get glass in your hand?” Kyouka whispered, watching as Mori pulled something out of a bag on the desk.


“Smashed my glass of water.”


“Mm.” She paused, then furrowed her brows and looked back to him. “How? You just ate lunch with me, Jun, and Atsushi.”


He blanked. “Uh… Maybe it was because I was overwhelmed.”


“Enough to activate your ability on a full stomach? I mean, you smashed a glass in your fist and then weren’t hurt after being thrown into the wall.”


He glanced at Yosano, who still picked shards out with a pair of tweezers. “I guess so.”


“I didn’t even know that could happen.”


“Neither did I, but I don’t wanna test it out again,” he said in a rush.


She blinked at him. “Okay.” They sat in silence for a minute, and then, “Hey, Kenji?”




“Would you mind if I stayed at your place tonight? I really don’t feel like arguing with Atsushi anymore today.”


“Yeah of course. You’re always welcome, Ky, you know that.”


She smiled and took his uninjured hand. “I know. How’d you manage to fight off bullets and explosions, but you manage to get cut by glass?”


He shrugged. “I dunno. Not life threatening, I guess? Things still seem to be able to cut me.”


“Just your luck,” she joked, pecking him on the cheek. Then she turned to face the front, listening as the rest of the room fell silent.


“Now,” Mori started. “I know it’s a stretch for you guys, but can you shut up for five minutes?” He glanced around the room, watching them nod with their heads down like children being scolded. “Good. Now, as I was saying—Dazai is not the one to blame. And I have proof.”


“Proof?” Chuuya murmured. “How could you have proof? The security footage was destroyed.”


“Even more reason to believe it’s Dazai,” chirped Tachi. “He’d know how to get in undetected and destroy the footage.”


“Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”


“Yes, Boss.”


Mori huffed, then held up the item he’d pulled out of the bag. A gun. Dazai’s gun. “This is the weapon used to kill Chuuya’s subordinates.”


“That’s Dazai’s gun,” gasped Katai.


“How do you know?” Kouyou asked.


“I had to take a good look at it when—Nevermind. But it is.”


“He’s right,” Mori continued. “It is Dazai’s gun.”


“Then doesn’t that just prove that he’s guilty,” Higuchi cried.


“Will you all just be quiet,” Kunikida bellowed. “Sheesh.”


“Ango-kun,” said Mori, approaching him. Ango watched him with quizzical eyes, his breath hitching when Mori handed him the gun. “You know what to do.”


Ango stared at the gun, then raised his gaze to Dazai, and then Chuuya. He swallowed hard. “I do.”


The group waited with bated breath as Ango closed his eyes, a golden glow enveloping the gun. Five seconds, ten seconds, thirty seconds… Then Ango gasped, flinging the gun. It skidded across the floor, landing at Kunikida’s feet as Ango slumped down in his chair, panting for breath.


Silence hung heavy in the room until Ango looked at Dazai over his glasses. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Dazai-kun.”


“What…?” Haruno began. “What just happened?”


Ango leaned against Tsujimura, energy drained by his ability. She smiled at him sadly, then glanced across to Haruno. “Ango-san has a memory extraction ability. So he just saw what Dazai saw when the three subordinates were killed.”


“So what did he see?” Akutagawa asked. “What did you see Ango-san?”


With his eyes still closed, Ango struggled to get the words out. “Yumeno was there. Had Dazai under their curse. The blood tears and the handprint. Screamed that he didn’t want to to an old friend…” Ango stopped then, choking back his tears. “That he wanted to stay in the light. And then three gunshots. Yumeno threw the doll at Dazai to nullify their ability. They left before he could come back to his senses.”


“Is that all…?” Atsushi asked, shuddering.


Ango nodded, hanging his head. “And Dazai-kun?”


“Yes?” It had barely been a whisper.


“I’m glad you dropped the gun from your head.”


Dazai looked away and Kunikida stepped back in front of him again.


Mori cleared his throat. “So, as you can see, there is no guilt to be put on Dazai-kun.”


“So what if he was under their ability?” Tachi yelled, standing from his chair once again. “He could’ve resisted it! If he knew enough that he supposedly didn’t want to do it!”


“That’s a lie,” Atsushi growled. “I’ve been under Q’s ability before. You’re not aware if they don’t want you to be aware! But once you are it’s still awful. You hallucinate and it’s just… torture.”


“He’s right!” Haruno cried, backing him up.


“We’ve both seen the effects it has!” Naomi added.


“Atsushi’s a sweet guy. He’d never hurt Naomi or I, but under the curse he hurt both of us.”


“Difference is Dazai would hurt someone like that!” Tachi retaliated. “He’s got a bad past, we all know that! Now look what he’s done. Gone and murdered three people like it was second nature to him. Because it is—”


“Shut up, shut up!!” Chuuya screamed, jumping to his feet. His chest heaved as he glared at Tachi, rage glinting in his eyes. “Back off of him alright? You have no right to say those things!”


“I do, actually! And I’ll say it again. He’s a cold-blooded murderer. And not for a job like most of us. Because he enjoys it.”


A red glow enveloped Chuuya again and he clenched his fists. “How could you say that? After everything. Have you even been paying attention?”


“They were your subordinates, Chuuya! Who’s side are you on?”


The glow dissipated and he stared around the room, jaw clenched. Then he looked down, shaking his head. “I’m not. I just—It’s not about that.”


“Of course it is,” said Kouyou. “He hurt you.”


“No,” said Chuuya, seeming as though he struggled to speak. “It hurt me. The event itself. There was a curse and two people that I trust and it’s all a big mess. Too many moving parts. It’s a lot.”


“So what are you gunna do about it?”


Chuuya didn’t look at Tachi as he answered. “I… I think I just need to be alone right now.”




Chuuya didn’t say another word. Without lifting his head he left the office behind, full of a stunned and confused group of people. The door shut with a soft click and the heads turned back to Mori who watched the outside hall with a dropped jaw. “That’s not… what I was expecting.”


“Me neither,” said Fukuzawa, standing from where he’d been crouched by a desk at the back of the office.


“Well… Now that you all know the circumstances you may go. Black Lizard, I hope you can stay civil enough to complete your mission this afternoon.”


“Yes sir,” muttered Tachi as Gin nodded alongside him.


“And Akutagawa and Higuchi, you, too. I have you stationed at a warehouse across the city so you best get going.”


“Right,” said Higuchi sheepishly, looking to Akutagawa. She no longer seemed angry, but possibly fearful. Of Akutagawa? Of the situation?


“ADA,” said Fukuzawa. “Help put the room back together and then back to work. Junichiro?”




“You may stay in the office today, but if I catch you working you’ll be in trouble.”


“Yes, President.”


As the remaining Mafia members left, the ADA began putting the office back together. Tsujimura hauled both herself and Ango up, lifting one of his arms over her shoulder to help him outside. She refused Kunikida’s help, insisting she had the situation handled and left, reassuring a groggy Ango that she was taking him home.


“Um… Kunikida-san?”


“Yes, Jun?”


“What do I do about…?”


Kunikida turned to see what he was looking at and stifled a chuckle. Ranpo and Poe had fallen asleep curled up under the desk furthest from the front of the room. “Leave them be for now. Right, Yosano?”


She glanced up from where she swabbed Kenji’s hand with antiseptic. “Yeah. The fighting was too much for them and they exhausted themselves. Let them sleep.”


Junichiro nodded and headed back to the door to peck Naomi’s cheek before she left to go back to school.


Atsushi, after helping right the office, crossed to the infirmary door and peered in. Dazai sat on one of the beds in the dark, only the sunlight that barely filtered through the clouds illuminating the room. He twisted the handle, praying the door wouldn’t squeak as he slipped inside. His feet barely scuffed the floor, but Dazai picked up the noise anyway.


“I’m fine, Kunikida.”


“It’s not Kunikida.”


Dazai raised his head. “Oh. Hi, Atsushi-kun.”


“Hi, Dazai-san.” He pulled a stool in front of Dazai and perched on it, watching the man’s still trembling hands. “Are you okay?”


“I’ll be fine.”


“That’s not what I asked.”


“No, I’m not okay. But I won’t be for a while.”


Atsushi nodded heavily. “I can’t understand what it must feel like to have been forced to kill your boyfriend’s subordinates… But I can understand what it feels like to be under Q’s curse.”


A small gasp came from Dazai as his head whipped up. “That’s right. Q had you under it not too long ago.”


“Mhmm. It was awful. I thought everyone around me was under it and not me. At first. But then when I saw Haruno on the ground and my hands around Naomi’s throat it changed.”


“Changed how?”


“Suddenly I was the bad guy. And I guess I was… I had just hurt two people. But it wasn’t just that.”


Dazai quirked his head. “What was it?”


“There were… voices. Talking to me. The ones that haunt me in my sleep or… or even in the middle of the day if I’m being honest. The headmaster and his wife. Other kids at the orphanage. A man who I can only assume to be my father… They surrounded me.” Atsushi paused, looking up at Dazai. “You heard someone, too. Who was it?”




Atsushi bit his lip as he watched Dazai fight tears. “What did he say to you?”


“He just kept telling me that I’d made him a promise. And begged me not to do it. And then he yelled at me once I did, that I’d failed. I’d never change and I was…”


“You were what?”


“That I was dead to him.”


Atsushi sucked in a breath. “You know he wouldn’t say that. He believed in you until the moment he died.” Dazai only shrugged, not trusting his voice. “He wouldn’t have told you what he did if he didn’t believe you could do it.” Another shrug. “This curse is meant to beat you down and tear you apart. None of what he said is true, Dazai. Q just wanted you to think it was to hurt you.”


“I… I mean…” His voice waivered, watery and strained. “I guess so.”


“You gave me what I needed then. And I’m going to give you what you need now?”


“You’re going to slap me?”




“Then wha—”


Dazai cut himself off as Atsushi pulled the stool closer, leaning in to wrap his arms around Dazai. The brunet froze momentarily, staring over Atsushi’s shoulder at the far wall. But then he relaxed, allowing his mentor to give him what he needed because of course he’d been right. A hug wouldn’t fix it, but it was what he needed.


He rested his head on Atsushi’s shoulder and let out a long breath, content to stay that way. And that’s exactly what they did, until Atsushi was called away a while later.




For Tachihara, that night crawled by at a snail’s pace. He made dinner and lounged on the couch in his apartment, watching some shitty sitcom that he didn’t really pay attention to. He didn’t pay attention to much but the clock and his own thoughts, debating what time was too early to go to sleep.


Guilt seeped through him the longer he sat still, Chuuya’s words repeating in his head. How could you say that? After everything?


Was he right?


He hadn’t known Dazai for long, but ever since he’d joined the Mafia he’d been warned about him. And suddenly he’d found himself thrown into a group with him and forced to bond. And it had worked. He’d taken a different tone, thinking that maybe this guy wasn’t so bad. And if he made Chuuya happy then fine.


He and Chuuya had gotten along from day one. They’d become fast friends and seeing the exec in pain made him furious. Just livid. And now to see it had come from the very man he’d been warned about from the start? How much of a fool did he have to be?


He refused to let it continue.


But the way Chuuya had stood up for Dazai despite the pain that coursed through him shook Tachi to the core. That’s the kind of love that makes people stop and listen. To really pay attention. He’d been so sure.


Tachi paced the apartment, picking up objects and then setting them back down, running a hand through his hair. He wasn’t even supposed to be a part of this bullshit in the first place. Maybe now was the best time to dip. To tell the other Hunting Dogs it was time to get out before he got caught.


And yet… something held him still. Because he had the same kind of love that Chuuya did. The kind that was so sure, defend the other to the ends of the earth type. And though it made him furious. Made him want to punch walls and pull his hair out, he couldn’t give it up. Because without her, things just wouldn’t feel right. Without Gin, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.


And with her came everybody else. And if he was honest, he didn’t really want to lose them either. Not Gin. Not Chuuya. Not Higuchi. Not the ADA. Not any of them.


So maybe Chuuya was right after all. Maybe he owed Dazai an apology. Maybe—


A pounding on the door brought him back to his senses. It repeated, over and over and over—relentless. Tachi jogged over and yanked the door open, unable to get a word in before a livid female voice filled the apartment.


“He’s unbelievable, Tachi, just ridiculous.”




“How can he not understand what that man did to him? How can he not see what I see?”


“What do you mean? What happened?”


She gripped her hair in frustration. “I got in a fight with Ryuu. About Dazai.”


“Gin, I’ve been thinking that maybe Dazai’s innocent after all.”


“It’s not about that,” she shrieked. “It has nothing to do about whether he’s innocent or guilty. I couldn’t care less right now!”


“Okay then what were you—”


“That man abused my brother, Michizou. He ruined him and Ryuu still takes his side without a second thought! He’s worked so hard for approval and it’s wrecked his self-esteem. It’s just wrecked him period. And there’s nothing I can do to reverse it!”




“Sure, he took us in. He rescued us and gave us something better. But that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t men it’s okay. I came home for over two years to find him washing the blood from his clothes or working himself sick or just completely inconsolable. And I can’t do it anymore, Michi, I can’t!”




Her breathing hitched as she watched him, chin trembling. “He doesn’t understand and I… I can’t.” A few tears fell down her face and she fought back the sobs. “It just hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore Michi what am I supposed to do?”


Tachihara crossed to her and wrapped her up in his arms, a hand on the back of her head.


“What am I supposed to do?”


“Shh…” He smoothed her hair, resting his head against hers. “I don’t know, Gin. I’m sorry.”


Her grip on him tightened as she jolted against him, clutching his shirt in shaking fists.


Tachi let out a long breath then, staring out the balcony window over the dots of light that was Yokohama. Maybe she’d never understand, or never reciprocate, but this was a love he was sure of. Unexpected? Maybe. But unconditional. Like Chuuya’s love for Dazai. Now he understood.


Tachi pressed a kiss to her head. “I’ve got you, Gin. I’ve always got you.”

Chapter Text



Friday, 9:00 am


No: Gin


Read: 9:01 am


No: Gin


Read: 9:05 am


No: Gin at least tell me you’re safe


GremlinwaKnife: Im fine.


No: Please come home tonight


GrelinwaKnife: not a chance


No: I thought you stayed at Higuchi’s last night, but she said she never saw you


GremlinwaKnife: I’d never impose myself on her and her sister.


No: Then where did you


No: You stayed at Tachihara’s didn’t you


GremlinwaKnife: Yes. Are we done now?


No: No we’re absolutely not done


GremlinwaKnife: I don’t want to talk to you rn


No: I don’t particularly feel like talking to you either, but you worried me


GremlinwaKnife: well stop worrying I’m fine. It should be the other way around.


No: Not this again


GremlinwaKnife: wdym not this again?? U know exactly why I keep bringing it up


No: I don’t get it


GremlinwaKNife: youre insufferable


No: why are you so against Dazai


GremlinwaKnife: IM NOT


GremlinwaKnife: look. I feel awful that Dazai got put through that. And I feel bad for fighting against him bc I care about him just as much as everyone else. But that’s not why I’m mad at YOU


No: then WHY


GremlinwaKnife: bc u take his side w/o a second thought, Ryu! No matter what, you always believe him right away.


No: why shouldn’t I


GremliwaKnife: Ryu, he ABUSED you


GrelinwaKnife: FOR YEARS




No: but he was innocent


GremlinwaKnife; this time maybe. But you planted shrimp tails when he told you too and you’ll do anything he asks of you just for his approval. I get that he’s your mentor but when are you going to clue in??


No: he apologized t me Gin. And he meant it.


GremlinwaKnife: Im sure he did! But you still can’t just go with it on a whim. Have you learned nothing?? STOP LETTING PPL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.




GremlinwaKnife: WHY NOT


No: bc at least then they need me for something. Im not disposable.


GremlinwaKnife: Ryu you’re NOT disposable at all! You don’t have to work yourself to the bone and focus all your energy into being ENOUGH. You ARE enough.


GremlinwaKnife: and I KNOW that Atsushi has told you the exact same thing. But this is what Dazai did to you. Don’t you see it??


No: …


GremlinwaKnife: Ryuu?


No: I do see it now


GremlinwaKnife: thank god


No: should I be angry


GremlinwaKnife: im fne if you make peace w it. U don’t have to be angry. But I needed u to understand.


No: well I understand now


GremlinwaKnife: good


No: im sorry I called you a bitch


GremlinwaKnife: im sorry I called you a cockwaffle


No: I still don’t know what that means


GremlinwaKnife: neither do I


No: so will you come home tonight then?


GremlinwaKnife: nah I like staying w Tachi


No: u do realize that YOU are taking advantage of HIM right


GremlinwaKnife: what? No?


No: oh my god. Yes you are.


GremlinwaKnife: how tho


No: he LIKES you. Are you DUMB?


GremlinwaKnife: yes??


No: ffs. As much as I hate it, Tachi likes you and he’s not going to say no because he wants to make you happy.


GremlinwaKnife: he wasn’t supposed to catch feelings…


No: well he did, stupid. And everyone can see it but you.


GremlinwaKnife: its not that I didn’t… I didn’t want to believe it.


No: why not


GremlinwaKnife: bc


No: bc why??


GremlinwaKnife: BC I LIKE HIM TOO OKAY??


No: sheesh was that so hard


GremlinwaKnife: Yes! Bc what am I supposed to do now??


No: fucking date him you moron


GremlinwaKnife: w/o u murdering him?? Fat chance


No: im not gunna kill him relax. If he really makes u that happy then go for it


GremlinwaKnife: I cant


No: why not


GremlinwaKnife: I don’t know how. Weve been just the two of us for so long but now theres someone else and I don’t want to lose him


No: you wont


GremlinwaKnife: u cant KNOW that


No: of course not. But im 99% sure


GremlinwaKnife: and what about the other 1%


No: THEN ill murder him


GremlinwaKnife: I love you


No: I love you too






12:00 pm


FuckityFuck: Chuuya-kun


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes


FuckityFuck: how are you hun


AngryChuuyaNoises: shitty. Next question?


FuckityFuck: did you go in to work today?


AngryChuuyaNoises: I went in this morning but Mori sent me home a little while ago


FuckityFuck: were you feeling that bad?


AngryChuuyaNoises: not until I found some nasty letters on my desk.


FuckityFuck: letters?


AngryChuuyaNoises: from my subordinates. From other exec’s subordinates. Everyone.


FuckityFuck: saying what?


AngryChuuyaNoises: im sure u can guess Ane-san. That im not fit to be a leader and how can I be an exec when I cant keep the low levels safe.


AngryChuuyaNoises: or how about that theyd rather have the “guy who killed those three” bc at least he has some balls that aren’t an act


AngryChuuyaNoises: or how im no use now without Dazai in the mafia bc I cant go 100% so I might as well quit and just be his personal whore, bc that seems to be al I do anyway apparently


FuckityFuck: all that bc a few low levels got killed?? It wasn’t even a planned attack by another agency or something it was an internal job


AngryChuuyaNoises: apparently there were less casualties under Dazai. And this isn’t the first time I’ve lost subordinates. Q has gotten some killed before too, remember. About 100.


FuckityFuck: I remember


AngryChuuyaNoises: they want me axed. For good.


FuckityFuck: Mori isn’t going to fire you


AngryChuuyaNoises: I know that. But Im starting to think that theyre right.


FuckityFuck: absolutely not, Chuuya. No.


AngryChuuyaNoises: the cats out of the bag. They know im not as confident as I tried to make them believe. They know how I feel about my ability. About Arahabaki. All of it. Some of them have found out about the Sheep too. Im a shitty leader and they know it.


FuckityFuck: that’s not true


AngryChuuyaNoises: people keep getting hurt! The sheep. Subordinates. People that have accidentally been hit while I was using corruption… Hell even Dazai nearly died because I couldn’t do enough for him! And now Q is apparently using me against Dazai to hurt him because of this flaw, this weakness that I have.


AngryChuuyaNoises: all the gaps in the armour are being found and its all coming off and theres nothing I can do about it


FuckityFuck: Hun youre a great leader. You wouldn’t be an exec if you weren’t.


AngryChuuyaNoises: what am I supposed to do with all these failures Kouyou


FuckityFuck: they weren’t your fault. Don’t consider them personal failures.


AngryChuuyaNoises: what other choice do I have?? I need to learn from them and give better direction in the future


FuckityFuck: didn’t you just sent a troop out today?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah, something a bit smaller scale


FuckityFuck: maybe this will help you bounce back


AngryChuuyaNoises: it better. I don’t think I can take much more.


FuckityFuck: if you need anything, give me a call okay?


AngryChuuyaNoises: okay


FuckityFuck: and maybe talk to Dazai


AngryChuuyaNoises: I can’t. id probably just breakdown. Or scream. Or both. And I don’t want to do that to him es prn.


FuckityFuck: fair enough, lad. Take care of yourself today, okay? And don’t look at any more letters in they make their way into your mail


AngryChuuyaNoises: no promises






1:00 pm


Furry: can we talk tonight?


TofuThief: maybe


Furry: I don’t want to fight with you I just want to talk


TofuThief: we will just end up arging u know that


Furry: I don’t want to argue any more today


TofuThief: any MORE?


Furry: I was arguing with Junichiro earlier about how he didn’t pick a side


TofuThief: Atsushi


Furry: ik ik I just got a little pissed off




TofuThief: the fight probably freaked him out


Furry: yeah I got that much eventually thanks


TofuThief: how long did it take before he yelled at you for being a dick


Furry: about twenty minutes


TofuThief: geez how passive aggressive were u being


Furry: lets not talk about it


TofuThief: u guys good?


Furry: oh yeah were fine dw


Furry: he called me a dick and I told him he was being a putz and he asked me if I wanted to fight and I told him id kick his ass and he just gave me a look


TofuThief: ur literally so dumb


Furry: ik ik shut up


TofuThief: anyway. Yes we can talk later. If u promise not to be a dick.


Furry: promise not to threaten to fight me and u have a deal.


TofuThief: deal.


Furry: great. Im guessing u stayed with Kenji last night?


TofuThief: yeah


Furry: hows his hand?


TofuThief: it’s fine, just some stitches in it still


Furry: too bad it was his writing hand he cant do much with that


TofuThief: nope not really


Furry: figures. The kids always getting beat up and bloody.


TofuThief: u think?


Furry: lol I mean I guess we all do tho


TofuThief: duh


Furry: well im gunna go I think jun just about died in the kitchen


TofuThief: tel him I said hes a moron


Furry: I will, bye kyouka


TofuThief: bye




One Collective Braincell


2: 00 pm


Thoushaltshutup: anyone come up w any ideas for Poe’s entrance exam yet?


HamsterChow: sadly no


Emotionsgobrr: nothing


Ginge: nothing that was less gruesome than my entrance exam


Thoushaltshutup: lets not go there


Furry: tf did u do to him??


KyoukasBitch: ^^


Thoushaltshutup: 👀 👀

Thoushaltshutup: nothing


Ginge: u fucking liar


Thoushaltshutup: 🤷🏻‍♀️


Ginge: fuck u


TofuThief: lol


Furry: anyway… I have an idea


Ginge: as long as I don’t have to play a mad bomber again


KyoukasBitch: he gets the short end of the stick a lot huh?


Ginge: 😩

HamsterChow: I feel ya kid


Thoushaltshutup: go ahead atsushi


Furry: okay cool. Well Jun it does involve you


Ginge: fuck me jfc


Uwu_but_a_person: okay 🤤


HamsterChow: get back to class!


Uwu_but_a_person: aw :(


Ginge: 😅


Furry: it also involves Ranpo


Shithead: OI WHY ME


Furry: b cur Poe’s best friend


Shithead: oh right


Emotionsgobrr: how tf did u just forget that


Shithead: im tired okay


Emotionsgobrr: 🙄


Thoushaltshutup: proceed


Furry: well… here goes nothing…






2:30 pm


Furry: Hi Dazai-san


Emotionsgobrr: hi Atsushi-kun what can I do for you


Furry: I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing today. Neither you or Kunikida came to the office and I got worried.


Emotionsgobrr: im doing better now than I was this morning


Furry: what happened this morning?


Emotionsgobrr: id rather not go into it but I gave Kunikida-kun quite the scare


Furry: that’s okay I wont push


Emotionsgobrr: thank you


Furry: if you want to talk tho u can always call me


Emotionsgobrr: I appreciate that. But shouldn’t it be the other way around. I AM your mentor after all


Furry: it goes both way Dazai-san.


Emotionsgobrr: ive fucked up a lot lately Atsushi-kun


Furry: we all fuck up. I never expected you to be perfect. You ARE human after all.


Emotionsgobrr: that’s right. I am human.


Furry: you are.


Emotionsgobrr: I have to go, Kunikida is chiding at me. But thank you, Atsushi.


Furry: anytime, Dazai-senpai.






3:00 pm


Hermit: hows it going today with everything?


HamsterChow: not fantastic but not horrible


Hermit: wdym


HamsterChow: Dazai slept in later than I did and had some kind of vivid nightmare. An after affect of Yumeno’s ability I think.


Hermit: shit that doesn’t sound good


HamsterChow: it wasn’t. took a while to bring him back to his sense. Thought he might take my head off.


Hermit: yikes


HamsterChow: yikes it right


Hermit: is he alright now?


HamsterChow: annoying as ever


Hermit: lovely


HamsterChow: right…


Hermit: 😂


HamsterChow: shut up u moron


Hermit: no u


HamsterChow: 🙄


Hermit: u love me


HamsterChow: yeah yeah






3:45 pm


Insomniac: Hey


Emotionsgobrr: hello


Insomniac: howre u feeling today?


Emotionsgobrr: meh. U? still drained?


Insomniac: no I was able to get to work today


Emotionsgobrr: that’s good. Ik how much u love your 12 hour days


Insomniac: watch it jackass


Emotionsgobrr: 🤪


Insomniac: why do I even bother


Emotionsgobrr: b cim your frienddddddd


Insomniac: how did that happen


Emotionsgobrr: I tickled the fuck out of you


Insomniac: u and Oda were relentless I stg


Emotionsgobrr: we wanted to make u one of us [angel]


Insomniac: an angel? Yeah okay


Emotionsgobrr: ill prove ittttt


Insomniac: go have a nap u moron


Emotionsgobrr: u first


Insomniac: ugh. I wish.






CatCrazy: hey hun 😘


HamsterChow: hey baby hows your day today?


CatCrazy: lonely w/o u


HamsterChow: im sure ill be back monday


CatCrazy: im just joking Doppo, take as long as u need. Dazai’s more important rn


HamsterChow: he seems to be doing better today, he should be okay to come back too


CatCrazy: will he stay with u for the weekend?


HamsterChow: yeah but I don’t mind. We don’t hang out much outide of work


CatCrazy: hes not driving u nuts?


HamsterChow: oh u know he is. But he gets pretty mellow. Reads while im reading or doing work or just takes a nap. He’s a huge bookworm.


CatCrazy: really?


HamsterChow: oh yeah! He’s read a few of the books on my bookshelf already


CatCrazy: wow I never would have guessed’

HamsterChow: I know. I never realized we had so much in common


CatCrazy: well that’s good then!


HamsterChow: its definitely a pleasant surprise I wont lie


CatCrazy: so what are u guys up to right now?


HamsterChow: he’s curled up in a blanket with a book on his face


CatCrazy: he fell asleep like that?


HamsterChow: yep.


CatCrazy: what a dork


HamsterChow: I know. Its kind of endearing though. As much as the circumstances suck, im glad to get to knock this side of him and spend time w him more


CatCrazy: im sure it is. It will be good for u both I think


HamsterChow: me too. Im going to go make something to eat, but ill call you later, okay? ❤️


CatCrazy: okay, ttyl ❤️






5:00 pm


Noticemesenpai: Senpai?


No: Yes, Higuchi?


Noticemesenpai: can I please speak with you for a moment?


No: I suppose


Noticemesenpai: I just want to apologize for how I acted yesterday, drawing my gun on you and doubting Dazai. Some of the things I said about both of you were nasty. I’m sorry.


No: You are forgiven.


No: And while we are on the topic, I apologize for the way I grabbed you with Rashoumon. And then dropped you.


Noticemesenpai: its okay


No: also


Noticemesenpai: yes?


No: I um


No: thank you for putting up with me


Noticemesenpai: what?


No: I can be a right pain in the ass. And I haven’t treated you the best in the past. And for that, I am also sorry.


Noticemesenpai: I forgive you but… whats brought this on?


No: I got into a fight with Gin and it really made me think about some things


No: id say it in person but I probably would’ve just mumbled so please take my lame attempt


Noticemesenpai: attempt accepted. I appreciate though, really.


No: so we are good then?


Noticemesenpai: of course






6:15 pm


AngryChuuyaNoises: Boss?


Legallydad: Yes?


AngryChuuyaNoises: is Q going to be punished?


Legallydad: im contemplating how best to go about that


AngryChuuyaNoises: in truth Boss, im very conflicted about it


Legallydad: that’s why I have not put the decision in your hands. No blame will fall on you so do not worry


AngryChuuyaNoises: thank you Boss


LegallyDad: Chuuya-kun?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes Boss?

Legallydad: there was something else I had to say. I was just about to call you.


AngryChuuyaNoises: Okay shoot


Legallydad: I have some bad news


AngryChuuyaNoises: what kind of bad news…


Legallydad: your troop has gone missing

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Saturday, 12:00 pm


TofuThief sent an image (Kenji laying on the kitchen floor of his dorm, laughing so hard he’s crying)


TofuThief: this moron decided it was a good idea to try parkour IN THE KITCHEN


Ginge: so that’s what I was hearing


Uwu_but_a_person: are* hearing


Bandades_and_Babes: why is he like this 🤦‍♂️

Thoushaltshutup: is he laughing or crying I cant tell


TofuThief: laughing lol


No: what the fuck


GremlinwaKnife: PARKOUR


No: NO


Bandades_and_Babes: NO


TofuThief: YES


GremlinwaKnife: hell yeah 🙌


KyoukasBitch: please I cant B R E A T H E


Furry: that’s your own fault


KyoukasBitch: halp


TofuThief sent an image (Kenji’s hanging upside down off of the door)


TofuThief: guys who gave him cocaine


Ginge: Atsushi




HamsterChow: oh lord what the hell


Emotionsgobrr: why is Kenji a wall hanging


FRICKINLEMONS: hes not but maybe u should be


Emotionsgobrr: oh


Thoushaltshutup: maybe you should go make some orange shaped bombs and test them out


FRICKINLEMONS: nah I don’t feel like unnecessarily killing myself or anyone else today thank you Akiko


Thoushaltshutup: don’t call me that if youre gunna be a fucking belligerent dickhead


FRICKINLEMONS: Im not the dickhead here


Emotionsgobrr: shut up u lemon maniac


FRICKINLEMONS: oh someone grew their balls back huh? Why don’t u go hurt your boyfriend to his face this time


Furry: why do u go shove that stick further up your ass maybe you’ll find a brain up there somewhere


Bandades_and_Babes: oi furry back it up a notch


No: I think tf not


TofuThief: this was supposed the be funny times but if we’re gunna be that way then Dazai should go shit on Chuuya to his face instead of ruining it for everyone else


Furry: we talked about this Kyouka


TofuThief: doesn’t change my opinion


Furry: u only say that b cur scared


TofuThief: well fuck u too


KyoukasBitch: okay but happy times! Right??


KyoukasBitch: lets not fight


Noticemesenpai: yeah lets just have a good time 🎉


FRICKINLEMONS: see someone agrees with me! At least the whole agency doesn’t have mush for brains


Emotionsgobrr: say it to my face u coward


FRICKINLEMONS: aren’t u scared tho 🤡


Emotionsgobrr: not of u r u srs


FRICKINLEMONS: just of a 13 y/o kid ohhhh that makes so much sense!!

FRICKINLEMONS: ur such a ditz


FRICKINLEMONS: not to mention a huge ass selfish prick


HamsterChow: that’s enough, Kajii. Please lay off.




HamsterChow: because Im asking politely. They’ve been through a lot, both Dazai and Chuuya


FRICKINLEMONS: maybe we should get Chuuya in here then


FRICKINLEMONS: @AngryChuuyaNoises


Furry: what is wrong w u??


AngryChuuyaNoises: what do u dipshits want


FRICKINLEMONS: settle things w Dazai right here right now


FRICKINLEMONS: feel free to fight were already doing that


Emotionsgobrr: back of Kajii leave him alone! I thought u were on his side.


FRICKINLEMONS: I am. But im tired of this shit so either make up or break up mfs


FuckityFuck: leave Chuuya out of this what is wrong with you


AngryChuuyaNoises: are u all fucking srious rn


Shithead: maybe u should just stop being so sensitive about ur subordinates that’s what caused this whole mess


Shithead: how insecure are u really


Emotionsgobrr: back OFF


AngryChuuyaNoises: you don’t KNOW me you pos


AngryChuuyaNoises: u don’t know the FIRST THING


Shithead: I could figure it out im sure


AngryChuuyaNoises: LIKE HELL U WILL


FuckityFuck: leave him alone


HamsterChow: seriously, all of you need to cut it out


Sugardaddy: hes right


Emotionsgobrr: this is my mess, leave Chibi out of it


Emotionsgobrr: im fucking serious Kajii


Shithead: Dazai hes being over-sensitive


Emotionsgobrr: LEAVE HIM ALONE OKAY??


Emotionsgobrr: JFC


Emotionsgobrr: If u knew half of the things I know about him youd understand


Shithead: well most of us don’t so how are we supposed to think otherwise


Emotionsgobrr: just leave him out of it


Emotionsgobrr: take it out on me all u want but don’t drag him into this mess ive already caused enough trouble


Noticemesenpai: it wasn’t your fault




Noticemesenpai: I realized during the meeting after Ango used his ability


FRICKINLEMONS: you believed him?? Hes on Dazai’s side already


Hermit: pls hes not that good an actor


FRICKINLEMONS: oh that’s rich


FRICKINLEMONS: do u know where he comes from??


Emotionsgobrr: don’t u dare


Notanotherallnighter: I will personally shoot you if u do this to him


FRICKINLEMONS: have fun bitch


Hermit: I don’t get it


FRICKINLEMONS: are u thick??


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t do this


FRICKINLEMONS: Ango used to be an infiltraitor in the PM. But not just here, he was also part of the organization called mimic.


AngryChuuyaNoises: SHUT YOUR MOUTH RN


FRICKINLEMONS: might as well reveal it all so all the secrets are out on the table


Emotionsgobrr: why would u do this


FRICKINLEMONS: u deserve it


Emotionsgobrr: ango doesn’t


FRICKINLEMONS: once a traitor always a traitor I guess


Insomniac: wait whats happening


FRICKINLEMONS: perfect youre just in time


FRICKINLEMONS: Ango here is part of the reason Dazai’s best friend Oda is dead. You know the death that caused him to leave and traumatized the fuck out of him? Yeah its all Ango’s fault


FRICKINLEMONS: had everyone fooled. Dazai. Chuuya. Oda.




FRICKINLEMONS: Ango u have tried to help Dazai right? But still you know its your fault. Even if you think you’ve made peace you haven’t really.


Notanotherallnighter: I will CUT YOU DOWN


FRICKINLEMONS: Its your fault and you know it. It should have been you. Maybe Dazai would’ve stopped trying to die. Or stopped tormenting Chuuya. Less suffering in general.


Bandades_and_Babes: dude…




FRICKINLEMONS: those suicide attempts should have been yours








FRICKINLEMONS: u do something shitty u suffer the consequences, even if its at your own hand 🤷‍♂️


FRICKINLEMONS: im surprised we haven’t seen anything on his arms yet. Or an attempt. Or a drinking problem.


FRICKINLEMONS: then again no one knows him really here could be scars. Hed deserve them.




FRICKINLEMONS: ah so there are some


Notanotherallnighter: how tf could u know that


FRICKINLEMONS: bc hes still punishing himself like he deserves


AngryChuuyaNoises: Go fuck yourself you scheming bastard


FRICKINLEMONS: as long as he knows.


FRICKINLEMONS: Dazais misery is your fault Ango. All the way up to that last suicide attempt could have been avoided if you weren’t around


Emotionsgobrr has kicked FRICKINLEMONS from the chat


AngryChuuyaNoises: thank fuck


Noticemesenpai: what has gotten into him?? He wasn’t this angry the other day even


Bandades_and_Babes: idk… that’s so abnormal


TofuThief: maybe he’s the one on drugs


Furry: probably


Emotionsgobrr: Ango…?


Insomniac: why would he say all of that…


Emotonsgobrr: idk Ango im sorry idk whats wrong with him


Insomniac: It doesn’t matter he’s right


AngryChuuyaNoises: no hes not


Insomniac: he is


Insomniac: u guys go back to talking. I’m going to go have a nap.


Hermit: Ango


HamsterChow: someone should call him


Emotionsgobrr: Im on it. Pls change the topic of this chat while Im gone


TofuThief: Kenji do something stupid


Bandades_and_Babes: Gin do something stupid


TofuThief: we are similar… but not the same


KyoukasBitch: on it!

GremlinwaKnife: hoooo boyyyy >:)






Outgoing call


Call Accepted


Ango: (voice thick) Hello?


Dazai: Hey Ango


Ango: (silence)


Dazai: Are you okay?


Ango: (watery laugh) No, I’m not okay. Some lemon maniac just brought back years’ worth of guilt I thought I’d finally worked past. And then some.


Dazai: None of what he said was true. I’m sorry I lamed you at first. I was just… grieving.


Ango: I know. I was too.


Dazai: I’m sorry.


Ango: Don’t be. It was my fault (voice breaks)


Dazai: your intention was never to get Oda killed


Ango: (crying) of course not!


Dazai: I don’t blame you


Ango: All—All your misery for so—so long is my fault…


Dazai: No


Ango: it should’ve been me, not you


Dazai: (pauses) Was Kajii right? Did you hurt yourself?


Ango: (trying to settle his breathing, but failing) At first, yes. It started the night Oda saved me from Mimic. It got worse after he died. It was really bad at one point. But I’ve been clean for two years.


Dazai: I never noticed… at the cottage


Ango: a lot of them are faded now… (sniffs)


Dazai: You didn’t deserve that


Ango: (sniffs) yeah, well, I thought I did. And for the first time in two years I actually had the impulse to do it again.


Dazai: Did you?


Ango: no. No, but I wanted to.


Dazai: I’m…


Ango: (swallows hard) You’re what?


Dazai: Im proud of you


Ango: Thanks, Osamu


Dazai: I need you to know that what Kajii said, about you deserving it, or how my misery was your fault… it was all lies. Every single bit of it.


Ango: I’m the reason he’s gone. All you had was him and Chuuya. And bc of me, both of them were ripped from your fingers…


Dazai: Please don’t cry again, Ango. I’m no good with people crying in front of me.


Ango: (supressing sobs) Right. Sorry.


Dazai: You didn’t know Mimic would follow you in order to locate Odasaku. And it wasn’t your choice to infiltrate Mimic in the first place.


Ango: no…


Dazai: then how could it be your fault?


Ango: it just feels like its my fault.


Dazai: it’s not. I swear.


Ango: okay…


Dazai: I’m sure Odasaku has forgiven you, too. Wherever he is. I know he has.


Ango: (breaks down crying again)


Dazai: Ango..


Ango: (trying to stop himself) I’m s-sorry


Dazai: (sighs) its okay. Its not that I don’t want to comfort you Im just very bad at it unless its Chuuya


Ango: (laughing and crying at the same time) It’s okay. I—I understand


Dazai: Okay. I’m glad. Now, forgive yourself, will you?


Ango: I’ll—hang on (sniff) I’m getting an incoming call


Dazai: from who?


Ango: (pauses, skeptical) Mori…? I’ll call you back later…


Dazai: Okay. Bye, Ango.


Call ended




Listen Up, Fuckers


1:25 pm


TofuThief: Kenji when I said do something stuoid this is not what I meant


TofuThief sent an image (Kenji holds a piece of paper, on it it says, “@Kunikida, 2+2=5, right?”)


HamsterChow: youre cruisin for a bruisin kid im tellin ya


Noticemesenpai: and suddenly hes either 60 or is some biker dude from the south US


HorrorWhore: why not both?


Noticemesenpai: those exist?


HorrorWhore: you’ve never been to the US have you


Noticemesenpai: no


HorrorWhore: I didn’t think so


Furry: hes never going to survive school


KyoukasBitch: I was just kidding!


KyoukasBitch: I know what 2+2 is I did go to school until I came here


Ginge: oh so youre NOT a moron


KyoukasBitch: I really hope that wasn’t a serious question


Ginge: of course it wasn’t!


KyoukaBitch: aha he fell for it how gullible do u think I am??


Thoushaltshutup: Kenji. Honey.


KyoukasBitch: don’t ruin this for me


Bandades_and_Babes: let the kid have his moment


KyoukasBitch: yeah!


TofuThief: 🤦🏻‍♀️


No: what moment


GremlinwaKnife: not sure about him but I was enjoying the brief moment of silence I got while you weren’t playing emo music OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD


No: shut up I like it


Furry: u would


No: 😒


Shithead: whats not to like about vampire music?


No: what did u just say to me?


Shithead: vAmPiRe MuSiC?


No: sHuT tHe FuCk Up


Shithead: no


No: 😤


Thoushaltshutup: fight fight fight


No: nah thatd be a waste of nice clothes


Furry: got a hot date??


GremlinwaKnife: w the couch and a bag of doritos maybe


Thoushaltshutup: 🤭


Furry: im pretty sure that’s not my name


GremlinwaKnife: oh he ACTUALLY has a date


Furry: 🤯


No: youre literally a moron


KyoukasBitch: ou a date where r u going


Furry: haven’t decided yet


KyoukasBitch: Kyouka do u wanna go on a date today?


TofuThief: 😊


TofuThief: sure


Noticemesenpai: why type that youre in the same place


KyoukasBitch: oh yeah


Sugardaddy: damn phones


Bandades_and_Babes: don’t start w me again old man


Sugardaddy: learn to take a joke son it will do u some good


Thoushaltshutup: 👀 👀

GremlinwaKnife: 👀 👀


Niticemesenpai: 👀 👀


Bandades_and_Babes: oh shut up


Ginge: what was that crash


TofuThief: what do u fucking think


Ginge: Kenji again


TofuThief sent an image (Kenji slumped face first against the wall)


Noticemesenpai: u alright there kiddo?


TofuThief: he says hes fine


Ginge: how did he even manage that one


TofuThief: I may have tripped him that time


Ginge: PFFT


Furry: LMAO

HamsterChow: Kyouka weve talked about this


TofuThief: yes yes I know no antagonizing other Agency members for my own enjoyment


GremlinwaKnife: so are Dazai and Sherlock over there just NOT part of the Agency then?


HamsterChow: I don’t have the strength or the will-power to try and explain this again


No: again??


HamsterChow: every. Single. Case.


Notanotherallnighter: wdym




AngryChuuyaNoises: is that why my car got covered in flower with a butt-print right in the middle of the hood?




Noticemesenpai: no that was probably you when you were drunk


AngryChuuyaNoises: nah my but is smaller than that


Bandades_and_Babes: Flat Ass Chuuya TM


AngryChuuyaNoises: I said small not flat u dumbass


Emotionsgobrr: I can neither cnfirm or deny if that was me


Shithead: I can


Shithead: it was


Emotionsgobrr: RANPO


HorrorWhore: why would you put your put on someones car that’s so digusting


Emotionsgobrr: I mean weve done it in the car and ON the car so why not sit my bare ass on it


HamsterChow: was the flour really necessary though


Emotionsgobrr: how tf else would he know id been there


HamsterChow: 😒

Furry: at least it wasn’t a dick print


Ginge: dick pic**




Ginge: lol never




Ginge: Youre stuck w me now


Bandades_and_Babes: man that sucks youll be stuck together for all of eternity


Furry: what


Bandades_and_Babes: vampires are immortal, gingers have no soul and are thus immortal imo and cats have nine lives and this one has several times stubbornly refused to die


Thoushaltshutup: “stubbornly refused to die”


Ginge: all righttttttt


Ginge: wait no


Ginge: wait I don’t like this at all


No: too bad youll be stuck w us too then


Bandades_and_Babes: that’s where ur wrong my friend


No: huh


GremlinwaKnife: what


Bandades_and_Babes: im not a natural red-head


Bandades_and_Babes: its just hair-dye




Ginge: its so convincing it looks as real as mine does


Bandades_and_Babes: haha nope my hair’s as jet black as my soul


GremlinwaKnife: woah your hairs the same colour as Atsushis??


Bandades_and_Babes: well that didn’t make me seem badass at all now did it


Thoushaltshutup: hate to break it to you but youre never badass


Noticemesenpai: ur about as badass as a bunch of puppies


Emotionsgobrr: ahh scary


Emotinsgobrr: no thank you


Bandades_and_Babes: well at least im badass to somebody


Furry: no he just really hates dogs


Bandades_and_Babes: oh for fucks sake


Bandades_and_Babes: Kenji got to have his moment why cant I have mine!


GremlinwaKnife: earn it first


Bandades_and_Babes: did he??


HamsterChow: yeah


Bandades_and_Babes: how??


Thoushaltshutup: just by being born uwu


Bandades_and_Babes: ugh


GremlinwaKnife: aw poor ceiling waffle :(


Bandades_and_Babes: are u calling me a failure??


Shithead: biggest oof


Furry: bested by a fourteen year old boy


Ginge: again


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah yeah shut up you two


Insomniac: um guys


Emotionsgobrr: yes?


Insomniac: Kajii was in Mori’s office that whole time


Hermit: oh?


FuckityFuck: what? How??


Insomniac: fucking magic


Insomniac: Idk who am I?? God??


FuckityFuck: no but Chuuya…


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t u dare finish that sentence Ane-san


FuckitFuck: fine fine


Emotionsgobrr: then how was he messaging us


Insomniac: He had his phone stolen while he was meeting w Mori. By Q.


Emotionsgobrr: oh for fucks sake


HamsterChow: they really are deadest on hurting you through the people you care about aren’t they Dazai


Emotionsgobrr: it seems so


Ginge: geez. They really need a new hobby.

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Monday, 2:15 pm


Bandades_and_Babes: Red is greener than purple, right?


Notanotherallnighter: what


Shithead: oh for sure


Furry: im pretty sure that’s incorrect


Bandades_and_Babes: im pretty sure your face is incorrect but no one stops you form walking around


Furry: welp


Ginge: [laughing]


Ginge: hes not wrong


Furry: fuck you too


Ginge: ew no


No: did someone call me?


HamsterChow: oh no hes starting to sound like Gin




HamsterChow: youre starting to sound like Gin




GremlinwaKnife: >:)


Ginge: nO


GremlinwaKnife: I will haunt your dreams


Ginge: u already DO


GremlinwaKnife: wait what?


Ginge: im kidding chill


GremlinwaKnife: 😅

Emotionsgobrr: what kind of drugs is Tachi on??


Insomniac: sleep deprivation


Notanotherallnighter: no Ango that’s YOU


Bandades_and_Babes: the good kind @Emotionsgobrr


Emotionsgobrr: sweet can I hamve some


Noticemesenpai: since when r u guys all buddy buddy again?


Bandades_and_Babes: eh were guys its different


Noticemesenpai: I have a gun


GremlinwaKnife: Tachi has a dick but neither of you are loaded




KyoukasBitch: why is this always the first thing I see


Ginge: its trying to tell u something


GremlinwaKnife: 👀  👀


KyoukasBitch: if u were here your coffee would be in your lap


Ginge: aw man cmon not again


Furry: that was funny


Emotionsgobrr: it was


Ginge: not for me!!


Bandades_and_Babes: for everyone else tho


Ginge: 🙄


Noticemesenpai: wait Jun I thought u were back at work now


Ginge: no 😒


Thoushaltshutup: give it a few more days


Ginge: but im coming in tmo tho whats the point


HorrorWhore: why?


Ginge: uh


Furry: he has to help us w something


Shithead: and then he’ll be going home


Ginge: 😒 😒


Thoushaltshutup: weve talked about this


Ginge: I know I know


Bandades_and_Babes: wait if red is greener than purple is it also greener than yellow?


Shithead: no


Notanotherallnighter: seriously you guys what??


Emotionsgobrr: Yellow is definitely greener than red


KyoukasBitch: what does that even MEAN


Shithead: it means youre dumb


TofuThief: PFFFFT


HorrorWhore: Kenji is now chasing Ranpo around with a lamp


No: didn’t Kyoukas do that to Kenji once?


TofuThief: lol yeah


Thoushaltshutup: oh the early days of flirting


Furry: I don’t think kenjis is trying to flirt w ranpo


TofuThief: ew


Thoushaltshutup: I sure hope not


HorrorWhore: thanks for putting that in my head Atsushi-kun


Furry: youre welcome


HorrorWhore: I cant unsee that now


Thoushaltshutup: update Kenji locked Ranpo in the infirmary and has now stolen his snacks off his desk


Ginge: hes so dead


GremlinwaKnife: yo kid u gotta share


KyoukasBitch: I cant yeet it that far


TofuThief: oh god


HamsterChow: good lord why


Insomniac: I wish I didn’t know what yet meant


Hermit: wish I didn’t know what the quadratic formula was but here we are


KyoukasBitch: whats the quadratic formula?


Thoushaltshutup: NO


Emotionsgobrr: WE DON’T SPEAK OF IT




No: what


Notanotherallnighter: I don’t know how many more times I can say what in one conversation


Insomniac: I think my record is 25


Hermit: try again


Insomniac: 30?


Hermit: don’t give yourself too much credit youre not that smart


Insomniac: im not saying that im saying theyre stupid


Emotionsgobrr: so smart its incomprehensible 😎


HamsterChow: someone take emojis away from him before I strangle him


Furry: what did he do


HamsterChow: spammed me with emojis for an hour straight while my phone was charging


HamsterChow: so I opened my phone and there was so many it shut off




Emotionsgobrr: lol




CatCrazy: I think hes broken this time


Emotionsgobrr: I know I can see the steam coming out of his ears. Cant u?


CatCrazy: yeah and I think it might be coming out his nose too


Thoushaltshutup: oh it definitely is


HamsterChow: oh knock it off


CatCrazy: cant do that


HamsterChow: [eyeroll]








Furry: I thought you were organizing the fridge again


GremlinwaKnife: again?






Furry: make me a sandwhich too then


Ginge: go back to sleep and starve


GremlinwaKnife: yesssss tiktokkkkkk


No: oh god you’ve unleashed a monster


Ginge: hate to break it to you but that thing was already unleashed


No: pfft


GremlinwaKnife: do u wish to die


Ginge: yes


GremlinwaKnife: No 🥺


TofuThief: why did you say organizing the fridge AGAIN


Furry: because hes done it at least twice


Thoushaltshutup: oh lord


Furry: Kunikida im begging you please give him something to do hes bored out of his mind and I might kill him myself if I hear him rummaging around in the kitchen again


HamsterChow: why organizing is a good habit


Ginge: oh god im turning into him


Ginge: OH GOD


HamsterCHow: whats wrong with that????


Ginge: 👁 👄 👁


Ginge: excuse me


HamsterChow: hes mocking me


No: duh


Emotionsgobrr: who ISNT mocking you


HamsterCHow: I brought you into this organization I can kick you back out


Ginge: yEs SeNpAi




Emotionsgobrr: lol yes Tanizaki keep going


Furry: wait Kunikida you’re Jun’s mentor?


HamsterChow: yes? You didn’t know?


Furry: no?


TofuThief: neither did I


KyoukasBitch: me neither


Ginge: neither did i


HamsterChow: ?????


Ginge im kidding relax


HamsterChow: I brought Junichiro into the organization similarly to how Dazai found you Atsushi


Furry: technically I think I found him


HamsterChow: technicalities


TofuThief: he found you on the street?


Ginge: yeah


Ginge: yeah. Well me and Naomi. Shed convinced me to run away from my parents but the problem was we had no where to go. We couldn’t stay at her house because if her parents found out about me or her being with me they beat her. but she didn’t want to leave me by myself so she came with me


GremlinwaKnife: aww


Ginge: without her id probably still be there. I’d have never had the courage to leave


HamsterChow: I found him on the street at night with a single dufflebag and his school bag. Naomi wasn’t with him at the time.


Ginge: she’d gone to the convenience store for food


HamsterChow: it was getting cold and he was shivering so I gave him my coat and sat down. I recognized him


GremlinwaKnife: you knew him before?


HamsterChow: no. but id seen him before in his school uniform heading to and from. But to see him on the street in the middle of the night?


GremlinwaKnife: fair enough


Ginge: Kunikida-san pretty quickly found out about my situation at home. Well, at least a bit of it.


HamsterChow: a bit hard not to when you were still bruised and had a fat lip


Ginge: yeah it had only been a day or two


Ginge: anyway. He found out it was because of my ability and he asked to see it so I showed him. And then he offered to put me up for the night and we could talk in the morning. He thought he could help me out. But I told him about Naomi. Said she was my sister so we wouldn’t get separated.


HamsterChow: I should’ve known you weren’t related you look nothing alike


Ginge: im sorry for lying, Senpai. And I really am grateful for everything you’ve done for us. Especially me.


HamsterChow: of course, Junichiro


Furry: wow that was so nice of you Kunikida


HamsterChow: it was the least I could do. I couldn’t bring myself to leave a 17 year old and a fifteen year old out in the cold. And such nice ones at that.


Furry: huh. So Dazai picked me up when I was in need and Kunikida did the same for you and Naomi.


TofuThief: I think you guys were meant to be best friends


Ginge: yeah okay kyouka don’t get all sappy on us


Thoushaltshutup: shes right though.


Furry: id never had a best friend before


Ginge: I had friends at school. But none that I was that close with


TofuThief: see


Furry: oh shut it


TofuThief: lol


Ginge: we could say the same about you and Kenji. You balance each other out perfectly.


KyoukasBitch: or Dazai and Kunikida. That’s a good balance too


HamsterChow: Katai and Ango


No: Tachihara and Higuchi


Shithead: Yosano and Gin


GremlinwaKnife: Tachi and Kajii


Thoushaltshutup: Ranpo and Poe


Emotionsgobrr: Dazai


HamsterChow: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Furry: Dazai-san that’s not how the game works


Emotionsgobrr: I know LOL


Furry: [annoyed]


GremlinwaKnife: why are you like this


Emotionsgobrr: sorry it’s the trauma


Ginge: lol same


Thoushaltshutup: im never gunna kick you two of this habit am I


Emotionsgobrr: nope


Ginge: probably not


GremlinwaKnife: any of us could really pull that card


Furry: haha sorry it was the child abuse


TofuThief: haha sorry I watched my parents die


GremlinwaKnife: haha sorry it’s the emotional trauma


Shithead: haha sorry it was watching my parents die and being stuck with their bodies


Bandades_and_Babes: haha sorry its my parents not accepting I lived and my brother didn’t


HorrorWhore: haha sorry its my shitty family traumatizing me


No: haha sorry it was watching my friends die and to many other things 🙃


Thoushaltshutup: you ALL need help


Emotionsgobrr: I was waiting for Chuuya to pop up and say haha sorry it was the lab but he didn’t


Bandades_and_Babes: no one has seen him today


GremlinwaKnife: no I don’t know if he even came in to work


Emotionsgobrr: that’s unlike him


Emotionsgobrr: the only time he skipped work was when I was in the infirmary or the day after using corruption which clearly isn’t the case


Bandades_and_Babes: maybe hes hungover


GremlinwaKnife: or fucked himself up with too much nicotine


Noticemesenpai: or both


Emotionsgobrr: just when I thought hed kicked the smoking habit




No: he never kicked it


Noticemesenpai: he was doing better though


GremlinwaKnife: started smoking again when you weren’t doing well. Or when something bad happens. I think it’s a stress habit


Bandades_and_Babes: sounds like it


Thoushaltshutup: that’s so unhealthy


Bandades_and_Babes: get a look at what the kid swiped from your boyfriends desk and get back to me


Thoushaltshutup: belive me. Ive tried.


No: wait is Ranpo still stuck in the infirmary


KyoukasBitch: yeppers


KyoukasBitch: also Dazai-san will you PLEASE change my name


Eotionsgobrr: why should I


KyoukasBitch: bc I don’t like it and im asking nicely


Emotionsgobrr: fine Kenji-kun ill have mercy on you but then I have to change mine


HamsterChow: why…?


Emotionsgobrr changed KyoukasBitch’s username to Stopsignsgobrr




Ginge: 🤭 😂


Stopsignsgobrr: well this is at least better


Stopsignsgobrr: thank you Dazai-san


Emotionsgobrr: youre welcome


Emotionsgobrr has changed their username to ElectricBoogaloo


ElectricBoogaloo: there we go


ElectricBoogaloo: anyone else?


Furry: me?


ElectricBoogaloo: no


Furry: oh cmon!


Ginge: lmao


Notanotherallnighter: meeee


ElectricBoogaloo: okay hmmm


ElectricBoogaloo has changed Notanotherallnighter’s username to Shadowbanned


Shadowbanned: ou that’s clever!


ElectricBoogaloo: thank you thank you


TofuThief: me?


ElectricBoogaloo: ill have to think of one for you and Atsushi


GremlinwaKnife: change Ryus


ElectricBoogaloo changed No’s username to EmoAsthmatic




ElectricBoogaloo changed Uwu_but_a_person’s username to notatanizaki


Ginge: op


EmoAsthmatic: Dazai-san respectfully what have u done


ElectricBoogaloog: im having fun [innocent]


EmoAsthmatic: [sigh]


HamsterChow: me?


Thoushaltshutup: that’s a risk


HamsterChow: anything is better


Shithead: say that again


HamsterChow: that one was Kenji not me


Stopsignsgobrr: he deserved it tho


GremlinwaKnife: that’s true


ElectricBoogaloo: no im absolutely not changing yours its hilarious


Noticemesenpai: it is


ElectricBoogaloo: wait I have for for you Kyouka


TofuThief: sweet


ElectricBoogaloo changed TofuThief’s username to UpForStabs


Stopsignsgobrr: oh my god


ElectricBoogaloo changed Furry’s username to NotmyNeko


NotmyNeko: are u KIDDING ME DAZAI


Ginge: 🤭 🤭 🤣


NotmyNeko: don’t u laugh at my ginge ill come in there and beat ur ass




Ginge: must


Ginge: CLEAN




GremlinwaKNife: who is he Yoda??


Ginge: Yoda I am, stupid you are


GremlinwaKnife: OI ILLUSION BOY


Ginge: do for you what can I


GremlinwaKnife: first of all stop that


Ginge: do that I can not


GremlinwaKife: pls let me drop kick him


Ginge: hurt me that would


Ginge: ahead you may proceed


NotmyNeko: not let her I won’t


GremlinwaKnife: try me you wont


Bandades_and_Babes: Gin that’s not—


GremlinwaKnife: no I made it better


UpforStabs: no you really didn’t


GremlinwaKnife: shut it stabby


UpforStabs: Gin.


GremlinwaKnife: knife wife?


UpforStabs: knife wife


Stopsignsgobrr: did she just steal my girlfriend?


Thoushaltshutup: yes I think that’s exactly what she did


UpforStabs: nah ive only got eyes for you Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: oh


ElectricBoogaloo: HES BLUSHING


NotmyNeko: AWWW


Stopsingsgobrr: you guyssss


Stopsignsgobrr: stoppppp


ElectricBoogaloo: sign?


Stopsignsgobrr: no STOP


ElectricBoogaloo: SIGN?


Stopsignsgobrr: NO


Noticemesenpai: oh my god


Shadowbanned: how do u guys put up with him all the time


Insomniac: u learn to tune him out


HamsterChow: that’s hard when hes hanging off of u


Insomniac: or tickling you


ElectricBoogaloo: wait I just thought of something


EmoAsthmatic: that’s never good


ElectricBoogaloo changed Insomniac’s username to GeronimoStilton


EmoAsthmatic: I take it back


Furry: 👀  👀


Ginge: 👀. 👀


Shithead: Poe’s laughing so hard he’s wheezing


HorrorWhore: bc I cant totally SEE it


NotmyNeko: wait wait send it to Lucy w a picture of Ango


HorrorWhore: okay hang on


GeronimoStilton: im being bullied


Hermit: … im not laughing im not laughing im not laughing


GeronimoStilton: I had to look it up to get it


NotmyNeko: they had those books in my orphanage


Ginge: at my school too


UpforStabs: me too


GeronimoStilton: and now im just offended




NotmyNeko: wait but Thea’s his sister


HorrorWhore: I know I told her that




NotmyNeko: yep that sounds just like Lucy


EmoAsthmatic: wait th waitress at Uzumaki Lucy??


NotmyNeko: yes why?


EmoAsthmatic: I didn’t realize you guys were actually friends I thought she was bluffing


NotmyNeko: no we hangout all the time


EmoAsthmatic: oh


EmoAsthmatic: and here I thought id have to worry about Jun


Ginge: dude


Ginge: no


Ginge: not that I don’t love Atsushi but no


Ginge: not in this lifetime pal


NotmyNeko: Ryuu relax, Lucy and I are just friends


EmoAsthmatic: if u say so


NotmyNeko: have I given you any reason not to believe me?


EmoAsthmatic: not yet


GremlinwaKnife: “yet”


NotmyNeko: shut up Gin


UpforStabs: lay off my knife wife


Stopsignsgobrr: Kyouka-chan T-T


UpforStabs: come here gimme a kiss 😚


Stopsignsgobrr: … okay 😊


Ginge: little man is whipped


Thoushaltshutup: what was your first clue?


ElectricBoogaloo: @Bandades_and_Babes have you seen Chuuya yet?


Bandades_and_Babes: no sorry Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: I worried about him


GremlinwaKnife: Dazai-san Im sure hes fine


Noticemesenpai: yeah he was probably given the day off or something


ElectricBoogaloo: idk guys something fees wrong


ElectricBoogaloo: @FuckityFuck Have you heard from Chuuya today?


FuckityFuck: I was trying to ignore this spamming and do my work but NO


FuckityFuck: no I haven’t last I heard from him was last night


ElectricBoogaloo: and how was he then?


FuckityFuck: worried


Noticemesenpai: why?


FuckityFuck: the tropp he sent out on a lower level mission went missing


GremlinwaKnife: oh no


HamsterChow: oh god


EmoAsthmatic: have they been found?


FuckityFuck: no Mori sent someome to find them this morning but it wasn’t Chuuya. Which is probably for the best.


ElectricBoogaloo: Im going to see him


FuckityFuck: Dazai idk if that’s the best idea


ElectricBoogaloo: I want to make sure hes doing okay its not like him to be so closed off


FuckityFuck: okay…


HamsterChow: Dazai please be careful


NotmyNeko: yeah maybe you should let Kunikida drive you over


ElectricBoogaloo: im fine guys ill be fine


HamsterChow: okay…


ElectricBoogaloo: are u forgetting who I am? Ill be fine don’t worry


Ginge: we just don’t want you to run into Yumeno again


ElectricBoogaloo: I somehow doubt it. I’ll be with Chuuya. They wont try anything.


Thoushaltshutup: if youre sure hun


Bandades_and_Babes: ill keep an eye out for Yumeno for you


GremlinwaKnife: me too


Noticemesenpai: and me


EmoAsthmatic: I will as well


FuckityFuck: ill be around the building so I will too


ElectricBoogaloo: thank you guys. I really appreciate it


GremlinwaKnife: call us if you need anything


ElectricBoogaloo: I will


ElectricBoogaloo: wish me luck






Monday, 3:34 pm


Incoming Call


Call Accepted


Chuuya: (groggily) Hello?


Mori: It’s me


Chuuya: Boss?


Mori: Yes


Chuuya: Any news?


Mori: … I’m very sorry Chuuya-kun

Chapter Text

Monday, 3:45 pm


Trains rushing through the tunnels and echoing chatter of students on their way home from school filled Dazai’s ears as he headed up to the main street. Practically having to force his way through the crowded station to the street, he ignored the stares directed at his bandages and kept his head down. After two flights of stairs and too many stray elbows he emerged into afternoon traffic, stopping on the sidewalk to stare up at the Port Mafia building.


He crossed the street at the corner and stopped just one building short of the headquarters. Most of the Port Mafia members that were currently active lived in the same apartment complex, luxury at its finest. The pay was good and the living conditions even better, but still, Dazai preferred the atmosphere of the Agency. It allowed him to live in the light. Not that he’d mind the plush bed in Chuuya’s apartment…


He pushed through the door and headed straight for the elevator, surprised to not see anyone in the lobby. A circle of light appeared around the number nine and the doors slid shut. Dazai fiddled with his tie, wrapping the end around his finger and then letting go. What would he say? What should he say? What will Chuuya say back?


As the doors slid open Dazai stopped and took a deep breath, letting it go as he crossed into the hallway. His footsteps virtually non-existent thanks to the carpeted floors, he doubted Chuuya would even hear him coming. The closer the door seemed, the louder his heartbeat became in his ears. Stopping next to a door on the left side of the hall, Dazai turned to face it, rapping on the it before he could stop himself.


For a moment he heard nothing—not a single sound. He wondered if maybe Chuuya had gone in to work late. But then a shuffling came from inside and he held his breath as the door opened and Chuuya’s voice rang clearly in the air, gruff but strained. “What do you wan—Oh.”


“Hi,” Dazai breathed, staring down at the top of Chuuya’s head. His hair was mussed, like he’d just gotten out of bed. “I hadn’t heard from you in a few days.”


“I needed some time to myself.”


“I know,” he started, but stopped when Chuuya looked up at him. He studied his face, the strain he held in his features. The bobbing of his Adam’s apple and his quivering chin. Dazai blinked at him. “What’s wrong?”




“Chuuya, please don’t lie to me.”


“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” he blurted. “Don’t worry.”


“I was worried because I hadn’t heard from you in a few days.”


“I just needed to think, okay? There’s been a lot going on.”


“I know and I’m so sorry about what happened. I really am—”


“Just drop it already, okay?” He hadn’t meant to shout, and the way he flinched at his own words betrayed the calm façade he’d tried to keep.


“I got worried. I know how much you went through when we were younger. And everything since. I understand.”


“No! You don’t! And that’s the problem, Dazai, I can’t talk to you about it because you will never understand.”


Dazai held his hands up. “I don’t want to argue.”


“Then why did you come here? Why didn’t you wait for me to come to you?”


“I was going to but—Chuuya you look like you’re going to cry.”


“Don’t look at my face and keep talking.”




“Just get on with it, okay?”


“I was going to wait for you to come to me. But then Kouyou said she hadn’t heard from you since last night and your troop had gone missing an—Chuuya?” Dazai watched his boyfriend flinch, drawing his shoulders up, eyes boring holes in the knees of Dazai’s pants. “Chibi, what’s wrong?”


“Nothing’s wrong, dammit! Now please just go back to work I have some paperwork I have to deal with.”


“Chuuya, you’re not okay.”


“I’m fine. Go back to work before Kunikida blows a gasket.”


“Something’s wrong and I can see it. I can hear it in your voice.”




“Then why won’t you look at me?”


“Because I can’t look at you without crying!”


“Why? Whatever it is let me fix it.”


“It’s not that,” he spat, hands balled into fists where his nails nearly broke skin.


“Then what is it, Chibi? Let me help—”

“You can’t help, okay!” Chuuya’s head whipped up, tears on his cheeks, chin trembling as he fought to speak around the lump in his throat. “You can’t help because my entire troop was found dead! I sent them out on something that was supposed to be simple but I left them unprepared and they were all slaughtered in an ambush! Every single one of them! And I’m the only one to blame for it. AGAIN!”




“The sheep and and the Flags and way too many subordinates. I can’t even keep track anymore. 200? 300? Maybe more than that! And it’s all my fault. There’s a reason I can’t be a leader! I break everything I touch. I almost lost you because I couldn’t help enough and then I couldn’t protect you from Q and they made you kill subordinates and now just a few days later this entire troop is just gone and I—and I…”


Dazai stepped forward with his arms out. “Come here, Chuuya.”


“No! No, Dazai I need you to leave. Please.”


“Why won’t you let me—”


“Because I need you!”


“I’m right here, Chuuya. Let me—”


“No! I can’t. I need you but I don’t deserve the comfort, it’s all my own fault. There’s a reason I just get used for my powers, because this will always happen! I’m just meant to destroy things and I don’t want the next thing to be you.”


“It won’t—”


“You killed those subordinates! And I know it wasn’t your fault but there’s too much right now. And I don’t know what to do because I want to let you in the door but I can’t I shouldn’t I can’t.” His voice broke. “I can’t.”


“Chuuya. You can.”


He shook his head, putting his face in his hands and he backed up. “I can’t. I can’t fix this. So I need to figure out a way to fix me.”


“You don’t need to be fixed!”


“There’s a god of destruction inside me, Dazai! I’m dangerous! I’m not fit for being a leader I just send everyone to their deaths. But there’s no way to extract it so I don’t know… I just don’t want to kill people or get people killed! There’s a reason I used to work in smuggling, it didn’t usually involve killing. I’ve never liked killing. Fighting, yes, but not killing! Never killing! But look now it’s my job and I can’t avoid it and people expect me to just get numb to it but I don’t want to be numb to it because then everyone is right. Then I’m just the monster inside.”


“You’re not—”


“Just go! Please!”




“I need to be alone right now.”




He shook his head at Dazai, straining to hold back more tears. If he saw the full extent, the hurricane that was coming, he wouldn’t ever leave. “I’ll be fine. I’ll call you later. Please go back to work.”


Dazai sighed. “Call me if you need me.”


Chuuya nodded, watching as Dazai turned and headed down the hall. Once he turned the corner out of sight, he stepped inside and leaned against the door to close it. The floor swam beneath his feet, his face wet with tears he could no longer hold back. Chuuya slid down the door to the floor, sobbing into his hands.


“What is wrong with me?”


The empty apartment didn’t answer. The silence around him threatened to choke him. The opened letters on the table—both from that day and the previous—mocked him as they thundered through his brain.


Quit your job. Go be Dazai’s whore full-time instead.


I’m asking to be transferred to Kouyou.


At least grow some balls like the guy who killed our three.


Sounds like the killer has his shit together more than you do.


“I’m so sorry!”


You’re useless to us without Dazai and this just proves it. Go use Corruption without him.


We can’t trust anything you say.


Ruthless. Send us on more suicide missions why don’t you?


Go kill yourself.


“I never wanted this. I never asked for this!”


Be a good slut and stuff a dick in your mouth. At least then you can’t kill us with your oders.


What’s next? Going to use corruption on us?


Stupid whore. Pay attention.


Just wanted you to know that your self-doubts are all correct. Resign before more people get killed on your watch.


How many more people have to die because of you?


Chuuya yanked on his hair, clenching it in his fingers. “All I do is hurt people!”


The only thing you’re good for is taking dick up your man pussy.


You killed my best friend.


“Even the Mafia isn’t a good fit for a monster like me.”


How many more will it take for you to realize that you break everything you touch?


The sobs only grew louder, the gasps between them coming in quick succession. “I break—everything—I touch.”


Chuuya’s chest ached more as he thought about Dazai. He’d stood at the door moments ago. He could’ve let him in. He could be here with him now. He needed him here with him now. Sobbed his name. But Dazai had left—he’d forced him out. Thought it was best for them both. But now, as the room spun around him, he wasn’t so sure.


“Get out of me! I hate you.”


No, that wasn’t right. He swiped at his face, but nothing was fast enough to catch the torrent of tears.


“I hate me. So. Much.


Chuuya curled in on himself, trying to be as small as possible. Surely something as destructive as Arahabaki couldn’t fit onside someone so small? Right? But he felt it lurking beneath his skin. Deep within him—it would always be here. He couldn’t cut it out. Couldn’t surgically remove it. Couldn’t get rid of it with therapy or medicine. He was just stuck.


After a succession of gaps, Chuuya sobbed again, shaking all over. “I—ruin—everything.”




Dazai stuffed his hands in his pockets as he got out of the elevator on the main floor. It took all he had to walk away from Chuuya, to leave even though he saw the pain in his eyes. As beautiful as they always were to him, the storm closing in was blatant. But Chuuya has insisted he leave and he wouldn’t force it. He’d come when he was ready.


He treaded down the hall, admiring the artwork lining the beige walls. He stopped in front of one piece, quirking his head at the array of lines, puzzling over it.


“Back again so soon?”


Dazai’s stomach dropped and he whirled around, staring straight into Yumeno’s eyes. “I wouldn’t try me if I were you. Chuuya knows what you’ve been up to.”


“Like he’ll believe it. I’m like a sibling to him after all.”


“Not anymore.”


Yumeno narrowed their eyes, stepping towards Dazai. “What did you say?”


“Chuuya might not see you that way after everything you’ve done.”


“I’m only doing it to get back at you.”


“Yeah, well, I don’t appreciate it and neither does Chuuya.”


Yumeno stepped forwards again and Dazai stepped back, expecting to hit a wall. Instead, he went straight through an open doorway into an empty banquet hall and his eyes widened.


“Oh no, I’m not falling for this again.”


“Keep backing up, unless you want to hurt me?”


“To hell with that.”


“That’s what I thought.” Yumeno paused, watching Dazai. “I will break you. I don’t care how long it takes.”


“Knock it off. Stop being a brat.”


“Well you deserve it. I’ve gone through Chuuya. And Ango. Who next? One of your apprentices? Your current partner?”


“Leave them alone, you little shit.”


“We could just settle it now. Don’t be selfish.”


Dazai gulped. What was he supposed to do now?




Listen Up, Fuckers


4:00 pm


FuckityFuck sent a video ( She stands in the doorway, camera on Dazai and Yumeno.


“I’ll send Golden Demon in if I have to. But you guys should see this.


“If you just stand there you’re gunna’ make it realeasy for me.”


Dazai straightened. “Leave me alone.”


“Funny. I know you’re scared of me.”


“I have every reason to be.”


Yumeno shook their head. “Maybe I wouldn’t be like this if I hadn’t been locked away for so long.”


“You were dangerous.”


“I still am dangerous. Now choose. Should I go after someone else again or do you want to get this over with?”


“You leave them out of this! You’ve hurt Chuuya enough! And Ango, too.”


“Funny. You pretend to care about them.”




FuckityFuck: spam tag Chuuya


Bandades_and_Babes: holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck


NotmyNeko: Dazai-san!




Thoushaltshutup: shit shit shit


Shithead: yall should’ve listened to me


NotmyNeko: @AngryChuuyaNoises


Ginge: @AngryChuuyaNoises


Stopsignsgobrr: @AngryChuuyaNoises


GremlinwaKnife: @AngryChuuyaNoises


Hermit: @AngryChuuyaNoises


GeronimoStilton: @AngryChuuyaNoises


FRICKINLEMONS: @AngryChuuyaNoises


Shadowbanned: @AngryChuuyaNoises


UpforStabs: @AngryChuuyaNoises



AngryChuuyaNoises: Oh no


AngryChuuyaNoises: where is that


FuckityFuck: first floor banquet hall


AngryChuuyaNoises: on my way


Hermit: he sure lives up to his username


GeronimoStilton: not the time Katai


Hermit: whatever u say mole vision


GeronimoStilton: hey fuck you


FuckityFuck: im going to start a group facetime. Join if you want to see what happens.


UpforStabs: okay


Incoming Facetime from FuckityFuck


UpforStabs, Stopsignsgobrr, Thoushaltshutup, GeronimoStilton, Hermit, HamsterChow, Shithead, NotmyNeko, Ginge, GremlinwaKnife, Bandades_and_Babes, CatCrazy, CATana, Legallydad, Shadowbanned, FRICKINLEMONS, HorrorWhore, Sugardaddy, Notatanizaki, and EmoAsthmatic joined the call.


Kouyou: I can hear Chuuya coming


Yumeno steps closer to Dazai once again, who has his back pressed to the back wall. Dazai scowls at them, but the fear in his eyes is obvious.


Chuuya: (in the background) Not on my watch.


Chuuya screams past Kouyou and into the banquet hall, stopping just inside the door. “Hey, blockheads!”


Dazai gasps but Yumeno doesn’t even move. “What can I do for you, Chuuya-san?”


“I want you to leave my boyfriend alone.”


Yumeno turned to face Chuuya, fury written on their face. “He deserves everything I’m dishing out to him!”


“That’s where you’re wrong. He’s grown since you knew him.”


“He abandoned me!”


Chuuya nodded, crossing over to them. “I know. But believe me. He’s not the same person you knew before.”


“He hurt me, Chuuya-san.”


“And you’ve hurt him. You hurt me to do it. Does that seem fair?”


Yumeno paused, staring up at Chuuya. “It was the only way to really get to him. You’re the only one he really cares about.”


“That’s not true either. See what I’m telling you?”


Mori: (to Kouyou) I’m coming to get Q


Kouyou: okay


Chuuya crouched in front of Yumeno. “He’s got other people he cares about now. But you’ve done a lot of damage. Do you understand?”


“I always knew what I was doing. I wanted to hurt him.”


Chuuya sighed. “Did you want to hurt me?”




“You did. Which hurt a lot of other people, too. Because it hurt Dazai and caused a big fight with our friends. You have to remember that your actions have consequences.”


“So what? Are you going to lock me back up?”


He shook his head. “No. But it’s not up to me what your punishment will be. It’s up to Mori-san.”


“He’ll just lock me up.”


“I don’t think so.”








“You can’t hurt people because they hurt you. That doesn’t make it right.”


“What else am I supposed to do?” They screamed. “I don’t know how to do anything else! This is all I know!”


“Maybe we can figure something out. But you can’t go around using your ability like that. I know you feel hurt and I know you didn’t want you ability. Look… I didn’t want mine either. But that doesn’t mean we can just use it on people because we want them to hurt like we do. Right?”


“I guess so.”




“I don’t want to be alone again, Chuuya-san.”


Chuuya pursed his lips. “You won’t be. Do you like Elise?”




“Maybe you and Elise can hangout more. How does that sound?”


Yumeno nodded slightly. “That sounds good.”


“Good.” Chuuya sighed in relief. “Promise me you won’t go after Dazai or our friends again, okay?”


They stared at Chuuya, not moving.




“Okay, okay. I promise.”




“Yumeno?” Both Chuuya and Yumeno turned towards the doorway to see Mori. “We need to have a talk.”


“Please don’t lock me back up!”




“Boss, if I have any say in this… Please don’t lock them up again. That will do more harm than good.”


Mori’s gaze pingponged between Chuuya and Yumeno. “Fine. But we still need to discuss your punishment. And other arrangements.”


Yumeno sighed. “Okay.”


“Come with me, please.”


They nodded, taking Mori’s hand and following him to the hallway. Then they turned back. “Chuuya-san?”




“Thank you.”


Chuuya only nodded, waiting for them to disappear out of sight. And then, forgetting about the group call entirely, he turned to Dazai and headed straight for him. What started as a walk ended as a jog and before he knew what he was doing he’d flung himself at the man. Luckily, Dazai caught him easily, both his body and his lips.


When Chuuya pulled back a moment later, his first words weren’t even close to what Dazai expected to hear. “Move in with me?”


He blanked, staring into never-ending oceans. “What?”


“Move in with me, Osamu.”


“I thought you—”


“I don’t care. This was all a mess and I don’t ever want something like this to happen again. How many times have I almost lost you?”


“Too many to be healthy.”


Chuuya chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t ever, ever want to risk that again. I don’t ever want to lose you. Move in with me. Please.”


Dazai caught his lips once more. “Of course, I’ll move in with you. It’s just… I’m sorry, Chuuya. I’m so sorry.”


“It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”


But, I—”


“No buts. I love you. Regardless of anything that’s happened.”


“You mean it.”


“Of course I mean it, dummy.”


A smile spread on Dazai’s face and he leaned down to press a kiss to Chuuya’s forehead.


“Does that mean you’ll move in with me?”


“Yes, Chibi. It does.”


Yosano: Alright, some of you fuckers owe me money!


Noticemesenpai: god dammit Yosano!


Dazai glanced at the doorway over Chuuya’s shoulder, eyes narrowing at Kouyou. “Is everyone seriously watching this right now?”


Chuuya rubbed the back of his neck, blushing furiously. “I totally forgot about that.”


Kyouka: well I didn’t. I owe Yosano fifty yen


Jun: I owe her a hundred don’t complain


“You guys were seriously betting on this?” Chuuya bellowed.


Dazai snorted. “We’re that obvious, huh.”


Ranpo: no im just smart


Dazai laughed again, hugging Chuuya from behind and resting his chin on his head. “Yeah, uh huh. Shut up over there, Sherlock.


Ranpo: Nope! Not a chance!


Kenji: Chuuya-san! You’re really good with kids!


Chuuya’s face flushed even more. “It’s not a big deal.”


Kunikida: welcome to parenthood


He laughed. “Not quite yet.”


“You want kids?” Dazai asked, peering around him.


“Everntually. But I don’t know if I’m fit to be a parent if I can’t even be a good exec.”


Fukuzawa: its not the same thing, son. Don’t worry.


“And you’re a fine exec,” said Kouyou. “You opened more letters didn’t you?”




“Nakahara Chuuya, don’t you lie to me!”




Call ended

Chapter Text

Crashing waves and distant traffic were all the four could hear as they headed down the lonely side-street. Though Yokohama was a busy city, areas outside of the downtown core closer to the ocean tended to be calmer, only small shops with apartments overtop. A few kids disappeared around the corner in front of them, their laughing draining away.


“Where did you say we were going, Ranpo?”


He glanced at Atsushi over his shoulder. “Well, first we have to pick up some sweets, of course. And then the President wants us to pick up a evidence for a case from a merchant down the street.”


“Why did he send four of us?” Poe asked, shoulders rounded. “Surely the two of us would have been enough. Or just one other person.”


“Because,” Ranpo chided. “It’s more fun.”


Atsushi rolled his eyes. “That’s not why. It’s because the President doesn’t trust Ranpo to go alone and you’re new to the Agency. That’s why he had me come along.”


“And I just tagged along because I needed to get out of the house,” Junichiro added sheepishly, avoiding Poe’s questioning glance.


“Well, okay then.”


“Here we go! Time for some sweets!”


“Please don’t go crazy, Ranpo-san,” Junichiro cautioned, following him into the store. “You have limited funds.”


The detective shrugged. “Poe will buy some for me.”


“I, uh, yes, of course.”


Atsushi leaned in closer to Poe. “You don’t always have to say yes to him. He’ll still be your friend.”


“It’s okay, really. I’ve got more than I need.”


“If you’re sure.”


Poe nodded and Atsushi wandered off to find Junichiro, plucking a melon flavoured ramune candy off of a shelf. He picked a similar one up of the shelf, causing Jun to look over at him.


“I don’t like that flavour.”


“I don’t think I’ve ever tried this one.”


“It’s too sour for me.”


“That’s funny, it suits you.”


Jun smacked him, pulling a face. “Take it back.”


“Make me.”


“Take it back, Tiger-boy, or I’ll slip catnip in your coffee.”


“You wouldn’t dare.”


“You know full well I would.”


Atsushi scowled. “Go pay for your candy.”


Chuckling, Jun turned away and headed for the counter. Atsushi rolled his eyes and headed back to the front door, watching Ranpo teach Poe how to say the name of a candy he’d picked up. Poe tried it several times and Atsushi couldn’t help but chuckle at his pronunciation. He butchered it the first time, but got it after a couple more attempts. It made him wonder what the candy was called in English.


The pair then headed for the counter and Poe paid for both of their sweets. The two of them and Junichiro joined him at the door and they headed back onto the street. Ranpo put his hands behind his head, tilting his face to the sky. “I wish it was sunny today. Gloomy weather sucks.”


“I’ve heard it’s gloomy back in America, too,” said Poe. “It’s tornado season there and Mark was saying the town next to his got hit pretty badly the other day.”




Poe turned to Junichiro. “Yes. They’re common in Missouri. I mean, they’re common in a lot of states but Missouri is up there.”


“Where is that?” Atsushi asked.


“It’s kind of central, I’d guess. Just north of Arkansas, if you know where that is. Or Oklahoma. In that area.”


“Have you ever been in one?”


Poe shook his head, Karl jumping from one shoulder to the other. “No. I’m from Massachusetts, in the northeast. They’re very rare there.”




“I think John and Margaret both have, though. And Mark, as well.”


“That sucks,” said Atsushi, stepping up to the curb to cross the street. “But it’s interesting, too.”


“I can see why you’d say that.”


“Alright,” said Ranpo, stepping up beside Atsushi. “I’ll go get the document. Atsushi, you follow a bit behind me in case anything happens. Poe-kun, Tanizaki-kun, you two can stay here. We’ll only be a minute.”


Poe nodded. “Okay.”


Ranpo started across the street, with Atsushi starting when he got about halfway across. Poe tapped his foot on the sidewalk, but quickly became distracted by screeching tires. An SUV came speeding around the corner and Atsushi, who was completely oblivious, was right in its path. Without a second thought, Poe leaped off the curb, leaving Karl behind.


“Watch out!”


Atsushi didn’t even get the chance to turn before Poe had tackled him to the ground, out of the car’s way. Poe glanced around them, at Ranpo, who’d stopped on the sidewalk with wide eyes. At Junichiro, who watched the car with an intense stare. And at the car itself, which skidded to a halt sideways in the street. The windows rolled down and submachine-guns poked through, sending a hail of bullets their way.


“Take cover!” Jun cried, backing behind the wall of the building behind him on the other side of the street, Karl in his arms.


Poe hauled Atsushi to his feet and threw them behind a dumpster to the side of the shop. He sat up, scanning Atsushi. “Are you hurt?”


Atsushi only stared at him, breathing heavy. “No. No, I’m okay. But thank you.”


Poe only nodded before a scream pierced his ears and his brows shot into his hairline. It has come from Ranpo, who must not have gotten out of the way in time. A bullet had made its mark.


He jumped up, and although both Atsushi and Jun called out to him that it was too late, Poe ducked out of his hiding spot anyway. Peeking around the corner, he spotted Ranpo out front of the store he was supposed to have gone into, curled up in a heap. Poe scooped him up, doing his best to avoid the shots coming from the car, and carried the smaller man back to the hiding place at a sprint. Ranpo jostled against his chest and he cringed, knowing it probably hurt, probably lodged the bullet further into wherever he was.


Tires screeched on tarmac as the car barreled back down the road. Poe curled himself around Ranpo to protect him, tensing as he waited for a bullet to lodge itself in his brain—but none came. Instead, he saw Atsushi smiling wide, sitting straight up.


“Get down, the car!”


“What car?”


“What?” Poe turned to look over his shoulder, watching as the car disintegrated into green pixels before his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, and he stared in confusion as Junichiro stepped out of his hiding place, grinning.


Poe turned back to Ranpo, who stirred in his hold. There was no bullet. No wound. No blood. He was perfectly fine. He was fine. Poe removed his arms from Ranpo and rested his head in them instead, elbow on his knees. “What is this? Some kind of trick?”


“No, it—”


“I—I don’t understand. How can it just disappear? How are you okay?”



“Let me, Atsushi.”


Atsushi backed away as Ranpo sat up and knelt in front of Poe, looking him in the eyes. “We’re going to breathe together, okay?”


Poe stared at him, breathing harsh. He hadn’t understoof a word.


Ranpo sighed and took a second, before speaking a string of words Atsushi didn’t understand. “We’re going to breathe together, okay?”


Poe nodded, following Ranpo’s pattern. Atsushi watched with furrowed brows, only looking up when Junichiro crossed the street to them, standing just beside the pair.


“Can you back up, please, Tanizaki?” Ranpo asked. “You’re overwhelming him.”


“Yeah, of course.” He backed up next to Atsushi, raising his brows. Atsushi shrugged in response.


A moment of silence passed before Ranpo spoke again. “To be a part of the Detective Agency, you have to pass an entrance exam.”


Poe looked up at him with glassy eyes, mumbling something in English.


Ranpo nodded. “Yes. That’s all that it was. I’m sorry we tricked you.”


“What’s he saying,” Junichiro hissed.


“I have no idea.”


Poe mumbled something in broken Japanese in response that sounded like, “Too much.”


I know it’s a lot. Is there anything I can do to make it better?




“You need it to be quiet?


Poe nodded.


Jun turned to Atsushi, who watched the scene with narrowed eyes. It was bizarre to watch them interact this way, with them trying to speak each other’s native language.


It will be quiet as soon as the President gets here. You can go back to the Agency in his car. I promise it’s quiet.”


“He’s coming?”


He’ll be here any second. Has to congratulate you on passing your big exam.”


“I passed?”


“With flying colours.” All attention turned to Fukuzawa, who’d appeared on the sidewalk. He nodded at Poe, offering a sympathetic smile. “You did wonderfully.”


“I—” He turned to Ranpo. “What did he say?


He said you passed with flying colours and you did great.”


Poe turned back to Fukuzawa, nodding. “Thank you.”


“Ranpo, can you translate for me until he’s calmed down?”


“Of course. What do you want me to say?”


Fukuzawa looked to Poe, watching the way his glassy eyes watched him through his bangs. How he squeezed Karl, who nuzzled his face against his chest. “What do you need?”


Poe responded without looking at Ranpo, and the detective translated. “I need quiet. And time to process. It’s too much at once.”


“Are you okay to come back with me? I can explain if you want, or we can sit quietly. We can even drive around until you’re ready to go back to the Agency.”


“He says that would be nice.”


Fukuzawa offered Poe a hand and pulled him to his feet. “Do you want Ranpo to come to translate for a while longer? I don’t want you to stress yourself.”


“Yes, please,” Ranpo translated.


Fukuzawa turned to Atsushi and Junichiro. “Are you two okay to get back on your own?”


“For sure,” said Atsushi.


Junichiro turned to Ranpo. “Excuse me for asking, but… how did you know what to do? Atsushi and I were completely lost.”


Ranpo grinned. “Because we’re the same! Kind of. Autism can be hard sometimes but when you have another autistic friend to help you, it’s good.”


Both boys nodded, and Atsushi cleared his throat. “I didn’t know you spoke English.”


“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me,” he said with a laugh.


“Yeah. I guess there is.”




Listen Up, Fuckers


Tuesday, 12:55 pm


Shithead: Poe-kun passed his big exam!!


GremlinwaKnife: woot woot


EmoAsthmatic: Gin shut up


EmoAsthatic: Congrats Poe-san


Stopsignsgobrr: congratulations Poe-san!!


Hermit: have fun dealing with their shenanigans


GeronimoStilton: Congrats!


UpforStabs: when are you guys coming back?


NotmyNeko: Jun and I will be back in a minute. Ranpo, Fukuzawa, and Poe might be a while


Thoushaltshutup: so it all went according to plan then?

Ginge: yup yup!


HamsterChow: I guess it was handy that Poe had never seen Light Snow in action before then


Ginge: I guess so 😅


ElectricBoogaloo: how sur face Atsushi-kun


AngryChuuyaNoises: wdym hows his face??


UpforStabs: idk its ugly sometimes u have to check


EmoAsthmatic: lol


NotmyNeko: why r u so mean to me


ElectricBoogaloo: which one


NotmyNeko: both of them


UpforStabs: b cur my brother why else


NotmyNeko: how sur hair antenna have u gotten it to lay down yet


UpforStabs: HOW DARE U


Stopsignsgobrr: I think its cute


NotmyNeko: Ryuu why cant u be like that


EmoAsthmatic: bc wheres the fun in that


NotmyNeko: T-T


ElectricBoogaloo: ANYWAY


ElectricBoogaloo: how sur face


NotmyNeko: its good I didn’t really get cut up or anything


Ginge: don’t think he was expecting how strong Poe is though hahaha


NotmyNeko: no I really wasn’t


Thoushaltshutup: its deceiving isn’t it


NotmyNeko: yep


AngryChuuyaNoises: so are u guys going to celebrate?


CatCrazy: I think Atsushi’s friend Lucy is bringing up some coffee and pastries for the group of us


CatCrazy: office party


Notatanizaki: no fair Im not there


Ginge: too bad ur in school


Notatanizaki: cant I just not


HamsterChow: absolutely not


Notatanizaki: this sucks balls


CatCrazy: no YOU suck balls theres a diference




Notatanizaki: so do u whats ur point


CatCrazy: lol its not obligatory for me




Notatanizaki: ohoho isn’t he a gentleman then Haruno


CatCrazy: only until we’re in bed


Notatanizaki: oh my god


NotmyNeko: its only obligatory for for Naomi bc Jun’s a fat ass bottom


Ginge: hi Atsushi no longer has phone rights


Ginge: also its not fat so suck it


UpforStabs: what the fuck


ElectricBoogaloo: dare I ask what u did to his phone


GremlinwaKnife: he either threw it or stuffed it down his pants


Ginge: I stuffed it down my pants


GremlinwaKnife: see I told u




Ginge: I told him im replying what he said but im not


HamsterChow: what did he say


Ginge: it is not for young ears


Stopsignsgobrr: Jun ive been subjected to Rnpo and Dazai im pretty sure is okay


Ginge: he said he didn’t want ball sweat its July he has enough of his own




Ginge: oh he didn’t but its funny to make him think I told you


Ginge: which I guess I did now


Ginge: whoops 🤷♂️


UpforStabs: Jun youre awful


Ginge: he called me a fatass bottom he deserved it


Notatanizaki: how is it a problem when hes RIGHT


HamsterChow: GO TO CLASS


Notatanizaki: FINE

Ginge: ive been betrayed


UpforStabs wait wait wait


UpforStabs: guys get ball sweat the way girls get boob sweat


ElectricBoogaloo: uh yeah


Ginge: duh


Stopsignsgobrr: yes of course


Bandades_and_Babes: dude cmon


AngryChuuyaNoises: why are we talking about this


FRICKINLEMONS: mine smells like lemons


Thoushaltshutup: youre disgusting go suck on a lemon bomb


FRICKINLEMONS: that’s not how it works


Thoushaltshutup: I don’t care just DO IT




Bandades_and_Babes: I love how Ryuu didn’t answer bc he has no balls


EmoAsthmatic: youre on thin fucking ice


GremlinwaKnife: see its RASHOUMONNNN


Stopsignsgobrr: what have I started


Thoushaltshutup: whatever this is


Stopsignsgobrr: lovely


Bandades_and_Babes: hes gone quiet he must be checking


EmoAsthmatic: considering ur fucking my sister u might wanna be careful


Bandades_and_Babes: big scary.


Noticemesenpai: it will be big scary if he gets Rashoumon out


Bandades_and_Babes: well tell her to grow some balls before Atsushi gets her pregnant


Ginge: Atsushis screaming at my phone




EmoAsthmatic: KENJIIIII


Stopsignsgobrr: 😅


Thoushaltshutup: Lucy is here with coffee and sweets!!


Shithead: save us some


UpforStabs: duh it’s a celebration for Poe


ElectricBoogaloo: sorry Ranpo im eating your share




ElectricBoogaloo: ouuuu whats thisssss




ElectricBoogaloo: mmmm is that a ranpo snack?


Ginge: its not a scooby sback ffs


Noticemesenpai: well that’s a memory I didn’t know I had




AngryChuuyaNoises: its nice to see someone else being tormented by Dazai for once


GremlinwaKnife: shut up u love him


AngryChuuyaNoises: well yeah of course I do. But FUCK is he annoying


ElectricBoogaloo: I not blind u know Chibi


AngryChuuyaNoises: good ❤️


ElectricBoogaloo: 😒 ur a slug


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh not this shit again


Noticemesenpai: and here we go again


HamsterChow: Lucy-chan says she wants to join the Agency


HamsterChow: Ranpo can u tell the President


Shithead: he says he assumed so, and she is more than welcome after everything she has done to help us


Thoushaltshutup: she seems excited!


EmoAsthmatic: oh HELL no


Ginge: dude make a relax


Ginge: Atsushis bi not stupid


Thoushaltshutup: is that an insult to atsushi or Lucy


Ginge: Atsushi. Hes her friend and yeah hes attracted to girls too but hes not gunna cheat that’s fucking dumb


GremlinwaKnife: better fucking not he knows what will happen


Ginge: im assuming you’ve discussed this before bc he just went pale as all hell


GremlinwaKnife: >:)




One Collective Braincell


1:20 pm


Thoushaltshutup has added HorrorWhore to the chat



Thoushaltshutup: Welcome to the ADA chat, Poe-kun!


Thoushaltshutup: don’t feel obligated to answer right now


Ginge: what now


Thoushltshutup: we need to come up with an entrance exam for Lucy


HamsterChow: Dazai no


ElectricBoogaloo: I haven’t even said anything yet!!


HamsterChow: u didn’t have to I see the look I your eyes


ElectricBoogaloo: I was only going to suggest seeing how many fingernails we call pull off before she screams


Ginge: 😨




ElectricBoogaloo: Im kidding Junichiro


Ginge: I really hope so


ElectricBoogaloo: I was I promise


ElectricBoogaloo: I was going to say make Atsushi the victim


UpforStabs: it would be better if it was me


HamsterChow: why


UpforStabs: we haven’t always gotten along. She really hated me at first


Thoushaltshutup: is that so


Upforstabs: yeah. I mean we are okay now but we aren’t best friends or anything. If she saves me then…


HamsterChow: that’s a good idea Kyouka


HamsterChow: any ideas how to do it though?


Thoushaltshutup: I think I might have something




Listen Up, Fuckers


1:40 pm


NotmyNeko added Ithinknot to the chat


NotmyNeko: say hello to Lucy everyone


GremlinwaKnife: hello Lucy


Noticemesenpai: hello Lucy


Thoushaltshutup: hello Lucy


Ithinknot: what is this? Alcoholics anonymous?


ElectricBoogaloo: idk ask Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: literally fuck off


ElectricBoogaloo: 😘


Ithinknot: right…


HamsterChow: im sorry youre being subjected to this


Ithinknot: im chaotic af Ill be fine


GeronimoStilton: oh no not another one


Hermit: welcome to hell you can never leave


Ithinknot: well that’s a warm welcome isn’t it


Hermit: oh absolutely


Ithinknot: 😒


Hemit: youre welcome


Shadowbanned: welcome! Hopefully they don’t bully you too much


Ithinknot: I think ill be doing the bullying when it comes to some of them, but I appreciate the sentiment


Shadowbanned: im tsujimura btw. But u can call me Mizuki if you like


Ithinknot: okay :)


GremlinwaKnife: >:)


Ithinknot: oh not you ive been warned about you


GremlinwaKnife: aww Atsushi warned you about me how nice of him!!

Ithinknot: he did but it only made me want to be friends with you tbh


GremlinwaKnife: im his boyfriends sister just so u know


NotmyNeko: 😒


Ithinknot: even better!


GremlinwaKnife: can I keep u?


Ithinknot: that depends do u have food and good wifi?


GremlinwaKnife: hell yeah


Ithinknot: then sure


Noticemesenpai: what just happened


EmoAsthmatic: gin sprouted another limb and now another heathen lives in my apartment


Ithinknot: if anything im a parasite get it right


EmoAsthmatic: 🙃


AngryChuuyaNoises: I like her lol


Ithinknot: thank you thank you


Bandades_and_Babes: yo atsushi how did u get your phone back


Ginge: lol


NotmyNeko: id rather we not talk about it


FRICKINLEMONS: u stuck ur hand down his pants didn’t u




Ginge: 🤣


GremlinwaKnife: that’s so mean but so fucking funny


Ginge: I thought so too until he nearly took my dick off


Stopsignsgobrr: how—




EmoAsthmatic: I cant decide who to be worried about anymore


Ginge: dude


Ginge: im S T R A I G H T


Ginge: ik that’s a foreign concept to u but it means I like G I R L S




FRICKINLEMONS: lol he said buttwad


Noticemesenpai: what are u?? 5??


FRICKINLEMONS: minutes away from a new batch of LEMONS? YES


Thoushaltshutup: oh for shits sake


Ithinknot: hes chaotic too I like him


Noticemesenpai: That’s a new one




Ithinknot: nah id rather not




Ithinknot: everything about you seems to be lemons so that’s kind of a red flag


Ithinknot: also lemons are a curse on this earth and should perish in the fiery flames of hell


Stopsignsgobrr: u mean Anne’s room?


Ithinknot: yes yes I do


Stopsignsgobrr: right…




ElectricBoogaloo: heheheh


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh for fucks sake




Shadowbanned: what about ur coffee?




ElectricBoogaloo: cmon Sherlock u can find me


HamsterChow: hes in the stairwell


ElectricBoogaloo: doesn’t mean im with them sweets though


HamsterChow: hes with the sweets


ElectricBoogaloo: FUCK


NotmyNeko: oh my god W H Y


Stopsignsgobrr: welp this is now a thing I think Dazai-san just fell down the stairs


Thoushaltshutup: no I think Ranpo THREW him down the stairs


Noticemesenpai: but?? Noodle arms??


Ginge: man he really wanted those pastries


Bandades_and_Babes: LMAO


HorrorWhore: well I have to go retrieve Ranpo-kun before he breaks Dazai but I wanted to say thank you to everyone


HorrorWhore: and Im happy to be officially part of the Agency :)

Chapter Text


Listen Up, Fuckers


Wednesday, 12:01 pm


Thoushaltshutup: I made friends with a butterfly!


Noticemesenpai: ou ou can I see it?


Thoushaltshutup: sure!! One sec


Thoushaltshutup: NOOO


Bandades_and_Babes: did u kill it


Thoushaltshutup: NO HOW DARE U


Shadowbanned: then what happened


Thoushaltshutup: RANPO SAT HIS FAT ASS ON IT




Thoushaltshutup: YOU KILLED ALICE


NotmyNeko: u named it?




Ithinknot: stupid furry


NotmyNeko: Lucy-chan 😭

Ithinknot: no


AngryChuuyaNoises: just revive it




AngryChuuyaNoises: HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT


Noticemesenpai: common sense?


Legallydad: not being a moron?


Bandades_and_Babes: having a brain?


AngryChuuyaNoises: that was unnecessary


Legallydad: no it really was


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😒


UpforStabs sent an image (Yosano holds a butterfly, totally teary eyed and happy)


AngryChuuyaNoises: I thought she couldn’t revive it????


UpforStabs: Kunikida created one for her with his notebook


Noticemesenpai: AWWW


Bandades_and_Babes: careful Ranpo hes gunna steal ur girl


Shithead: nah ive got her wrapped around my finger


Thoushaltshutup: only in bed. The rest of the time…


Shithead: HEY


HorrorWhore: why in bed? I thought he snored?


Shithead: I do not


HorrorWhore: yes you do


Shithead: do not


HorrorWhore: do too


Ithinknot: shut up both of you


HorrorWhore: 😒


Ithinknot: you heard me Edgar


HorrorWhore: 😒 😒


CatCrazy: oh no


Hermit: what


CatCrazy sent a video (from the desk beside Kunikida, where she stood with Lucy, Kenji approaches Kunikida. Dazai snickers at the desk across from him, visible to the camera but not to Kunikida.




Kunikida glances up. “Yes, Kenji?”


“Are you available to work a case on Friday?”


“I should be,” he puzzles, pulling his notebook from his vest. He flips through the pages and trails a finger down one. “No, I have a meeting and then I have to go and buy crystal meth—wait WHAT?”


Kenji’s eyes widen and he jumps back as Kunikida pushes himself to his feet. “Dazai, you little shit!!”


Dazai bursts out laughing, head tilted back. “Didn’t know you were an addict, Kunikida.”


Kunikida leaps across the desk to wring Dazai’s neck. “Why would you fuck with my notebook? How did you even get a hold of it you scheming batard!”


“I’m sorry!” Kenji calls, watching the pair with wide eyes. He holds his hands up and waves at the pair. “I didn’t know!”


“I’m gunna wring your scrawny neck!”


“Please do,” chortles Dazai. Kunikida screams louder.


“Please don’t kill Dazai-san!” Kenji begs, trying to pull Kunikida off of him, accidentally knocking him to the floor.


He yelps as Kunikida groans. “How are you still so strong after lunch? Did your parents make you weight train with the cows?”)


Noticemesenpai: I love how Lucy was just laughing through that entire thing


Ithinknot: it was funny


HorrorWhore: it was rather amusing


AngryChuuyaNoises: will you ever stop tormenting Kunikida


ElectricBoogaloo: lol no


NotmyNeko: and theres fucking Dazai up to his usual shit once again


Bandades_and_Babes: that office is so chaotic


Legallydad: and ours isn’t?


Bandades_and_Babes: its spread out. Theres is in one room


Legallydad: fair


FRICKINLEMONS: I can make it more than one if u want


HamsterChow: how about NO


FRICKINLEMONS: aww why not


HamsterChow: u fucking KNOW WHY


CATana: id like my agency to be in one piece please


FRICKINLEMONS: stupid building not strong enough to withstand my LEMONS


Ithinknot: I think someone stole your lemons and that’s why your so fixated. I thought dogs got less feral after being neutered


UpforStabs: Kenji choked on his water


Ithinknot: good


Stopsignsgobrr: what did I ever do to you 😭


Ithinknot: nothing im just salty


Stopsignsgobrr: well don’t


Noticemesenpai: clearly she doesn’t know the rules yet


Ithinknot: what rules


Bandades_and_Babes: hurt the kid and we hurt you


Ithinknot: im not gunna hurt the smol bean over there relax


AngryChuuyaNoises: good bc I will personally pulverize you


UpforStabs: im not against using demon snow


Stopsignsgobrr: I can stand up for myself relax


Bandades_and_Babes: maybe to criminals but to everyone else ur too nice


EmoAsthmatic: even to criminals


Stopsignsgobrr: you guys ARE criminals


Legallydad: so are most of you


ElectricBoogaloo: I feel like that was directed at me


HamsterChow: could’ve been me


NotmyNeko: u did break into a weather station once bc it pissed u off


EmoAsthmatic: LMAO HE DID WHAT


NotmyNeko: ill explain when u get back here


HamsterChow: I didn’t send u two out on a mission to fuck around


NotmyNeko: sorry Kunikida-san


EmoAsthmatic: yes MOTHER




EmoAsthmatic: id hope not my mother was a woman after all


AngryChuuyaNoises: mine wasn’t


UpforStabs: what


FRICKINLEMONS: how tf does that even work


AngryChuuyaNoises: it was a void


ElectricBoogaloo: Chuuya—


AngryChuuyaNoises: heheh


Sugardaddy: is he drunk??


AngryChuuyaNoises: no but damn do I wish I was


NotmyNeko: lol same


HamsterChow: GO BACK TO WORK


NotmyNeko: im waiting for my slow ass boyfriend


EmoAsthmatic: not my fault u can run at sonic speed I AM human after all


NotmyNeko: yeah w weak lungs I know now get over here


Thoushaltshutup: 🤭


Noticemesenpai: 👀  👀


Shithead: just the truth 💅


NotmyNeko: ranpo no


Shithead: ranpo yes


Thoushaltshutup: ranpo no


Shithead: ranpo yes


HorrorWhore: ranpo no


Shithead: ranpo maybe?


CATana: ranpo no


Shithead: ranpo no


Shadowbanned: what the fuck


GeronimoStilton: yes


Shadowbanned: ill never get used to this will I


GeronimoStilton: no


Shadowbanned: im doomed aren’t I


GeronimoStilton: yes


Shadowbanned: dammit


CatCrazy: just embrace it its easier that way


Hermit: theyre all ecentrics


CatCrazy: I think Jun would be offended by that


HamsterChow: he would


CatCrazy: I kind of am too


UpforStabs: atsushi probably is too


GeronimoStilton: hes a fucking furry he has no right


ElectricBoogaloo: pfft


HamsterChow: Dazai bring it bac RIGHT NOW

ElectricBoogaloo: no




ElectricBoogalo: NO


NotmyNeko: what tf does he have now??


UpforStabs: what fucking else


AngryChuuyaNoises: he has that damn notebook again doesn’t he


UpforStabs: yep


Legallydad: ffs


Sugardaddy: why must he be this way




ElectricBoogaloo: lol whats a fucknugget


AngryChuuyaNoises: whats left of u when im through with you


Stopsignsgobrr: uh


ElectricBoogaloo: kinky




GremlinwaKnife: yeah let me do it instead




GremlinwaKnife: im still so sorry about that


HamsterChow: 😒


Ginge: she does genuinely look sorry Kunikida-san


HamsterChow: okay youre off the hook


HamsterChow: since u did buy me a new one


Stopsignsgobrr: what did u two do today?


EmoAsthmatic: please tell me she wasn’t teaching you assassin things


Ginge: lol no


EmoAsthmatic: thank god id have to ground her


GremlinwaKnife: like hell u would ground me ill fight u


EmoAsthmatic: go ahead Gin try me


Thoushaltshutup: maybe don’t do that


Bandades_and_Babes: he wouldn’t hurt her and he knows it


EmoAsthmatic: u just like to get on my nerves don’t u tachihara


Sugardaddy: did u really need to ask that to know the answer


EmoAsthmatic: no absolutely not


NotmyNeko: so what did u do then


Ginge: well since ive ben out a few times lately Yosano said we could go out somewhere so we went to the arena down the block for a skate


NotmyNeko: I didn’t know u could skate


Ginge: yeah I used to go when I was younger


Bandades_and_Babes: gin u can skate?


Ginge: yeah shes really good!


GremlinwaKnife: haha thank you


GremlinwaKnife: I had a friend when I was younger who skated and I joined with her and she taught me some figure skating jumos and stuff. I still go periodically


Ginge: she taught me a few too!


NotmyNeko: and u actually landed them?


Ginge: fuck you


GremlinwaKnife: he did well actually! After falling on his ass more than a few times


Ginge: u didn’t have to tell them that


UpforStabs: too late


Ginge: yes I do have eyes Kyouka


UpforStabs: just checking


Thoushaltshutup: did u have fun?


Ginge: I did. I forgot how much I loved skating its such a nice feeling


Stopsignsgobrr: will you teach me?


Ginge: for sure!


UpforStabs: you never learned?


Stopsignsgobrr: same reason why I cant swim. No water near us


Bandades_and_Babes: but you lived on a farm there had to be water nearby somewhere


Stopsignsgobrr: 🤷‍♂️


GremlinwaKnife: hes just really bad at eyespy


Stopsignsgobrr: eye spy with my little eye…


Stopsignsgobrr: a bitch


Ginge: 🤭


UpfroStabs: 👀


NotmyNeko: op—


EmoAsthmatic: reason number 100 why I love this child


Bandades_and_Babes: 😂


Ginge: shes trying so hard to think of a comeback I cant hear the TV


EmoAsthmatic: u too


Ginge: lol




Ginge: I cant the gears in ur head are turning too loud


Ginge: shes either going to try and wrestle me or kill me and I don’t know which


Bandades_and_Babes: that’s the wrong redhead missy


GremlinwaKnife: he gets more than u do anyway



NotmyNeko: b cur a whore


Ginge: WTF MAN


NotmyNeko: 🤣




Ginge: ONE


Ginge: O N E


NotmyNeko: 🤷‍♂️


Ginge: I WILL  P U N T  YOU


UpforStabs: pls Atsushi ur hand has seen more action than u have


NotmyNeko: so has Ryus mouth


ElectricBoogaloo: what


UpforStabs: shut up atsushi I was dissing u


NotmyNeko: my hand has more action than any part of you so stfu


UpforStabs: r u sure about that




GremlinwaKnife: yeah Kyouka that’s your job


UpforStabs: GIN


GremlinwaKnife: u started it 💅


Ginge: this is entertaining me


NotmyNeko: thank god I don’t think I can bare another day of u being bored


HamsterChow: why not


NotmyNeko: he rearranged the fridge several times AND THEN CUPBOARDS TOO


NotmyNeko: ALL OF THEM




Ginge: I was bored and stir-crazy






Ginge: 🤷‍♂️

UpforStabs: should’ve taken a lesson from him and done ours too


NotmyNeko: I don’t think I can ever look at another pot every again in my fucking life


UpfroStabs: Atsushi u cooked us dinner last night


NotmyNeko: ….


NotmyNeko: shut up Kyouka

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Thursday, 10:00 am


FRICKINLEMONS: is anyone willing to participate in an experiment?


NotmyNeko: no


EmoAsthmatic: not in a million years


Shadowbanned: u scare me a little


FRICKINLEMONS: cmon im not that bad


Bandades_and_Babes: well…




Bandades_and_Babes: H O W


GremlinwKnife: hes got a point u know


FRICKINLEMONS: ur girlfriend is bullying me


GremlinwaKnife: im not his gf


EmoAsthmatic: oh for fucks sake 🤦🏽‍♂️


NotmyNeko: I thought u two talked about this


EmoAsthmatic: we DID


UpforStabs: clearly it went in one ear and out the other


EmoAsthmatic: apparently


NotmyNeko: sisters, am I right


EmoAsthmatic: wanna switch?


NotmyNeko: no


EmoAsthmatic: god dammit


GremlinwaKnife: you r stuck w me


GremlinwaKnife: FOREVER


ElectricBoogaloo: I just know hes shuddering at the thought


HamsterChow: I would too


FRICKINLEMONS: haha now its bullying Gin hours


GremlinwaKnife: its always bullying Gin hours


Ginge: no its usually Gin bullying other ppl hours


GremlinwaKnife: not true!


Shithead: yes it is


GremlinwaKnife: 😒


Ginge: quick everyone go after her now


Bandades_and_Babes: lol ur so dead Gin


EmoAsthmatic: ur annoying and I cant fit enough food in our fridge to feed u


HamsterChow: Hammy


Ginge: u bully me a lot


GeronimoStilton: im just a walking joke around you


Stopsignsgobrr: ur fun!


NotmyNeko: Kenji…


Stopsignsgobrr: what?


GInge: don’t u dare


NotmyNeko: how did he not get this one I—


Stopsignsgobrr: do u want coffee in ur lap


NotmyNeko: nO


Stopsignsgobrr: mhmm


HamsterChow: its official we broke him


UpforStabs: who Kenji?


Ginge: no he does that to me all the time


UpforStabs: im pretty sure hes fine lol just provoked




Ithinknot: u exist




Ithinknot: 🤷🏻‍♀️


Stopsignsgobrr: pfft first bested by me and then by Lucy who’s next


EmoAsthmatic: probably me


Stopsignsgobrr: I said bested not fucked


CatCrazy: not its Kyoukas turn to choke on water today


Ginge: probably me


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah that sounds more accurate


Stopsignsgobrr: could be me too 🤷‍♂️


NotmyNeko: WHYY


Stopsignsgobrr: bc its fun


HamsterChow: guys I really think we broke him


UpforStabs: nah it would take a lot more than that


Bandades_and_Babes: the kids nearly indestructible


Shithead: I mean kind of


Shithead: but no


Bandades_and_Babes: what


Stopsignsgobrr: we can test that if u want


UpforStabs: we cant u just ate breakfast


Stopsignsgobrr: meh its fine


Stopsignsgobrr: try me Tachi


Ginge: go have a nap child sheesh


Stopsignsgobrr: im not tired


UpforStabs: is it possible to grow out of ability limitations?


HamsterChow: maybe?


ElectricBoogaloo: I didn’t I still cant touch any of u


AngryChuuyaNoises: im still a god of destruction im pretty sure 🙃


HamsterChow: u good there?


AngryChuuyaNoises: lol


GremlinwaKnife: jun’s rubbing off on him apparently


AngryChuuyaNoises: oi we’re having a grand old time


Ginge: sorry Chuuya-san…


AngryChuuyaNoises: why did u type that


Ginge: idk brain no work


AngryChuuyaNoises: right…


GeronimoStilton: as far as I’m aware u can’t grow out of your ability limitations




Stopsignsgobrr: BC I NO TIRED OK


UpforStabs: NO


Thoushaltshutup: Kenji and Kyouka?


UpforStabs: mmm?


Stopsignsgobrr: yes?


Thoushaltshutup: I need to see you in the infirmary please


UpforStabs: okay


Stopsignsgobrr: sure


Bandades_and_Babes: ouuuuu whatd they dooooo


ElectricBoogaloo: 👀




HamsterChow: no


Bandades_and_Babes: I mean she gave them sex ed enough times


GremlinwaKnife: sounds like little man is getting more than u Tachi


Bandades_and_Babes: Gin-chan 😭


Shadowbanned: u guys cmon


Shadowbanned: stop it


NotmyNeko: theyre 14






ElectricBoogaloo: @GeronimoStilton


GeronimoStilton: WILL U SHUT UP


ElectricBoogaloo: 🤣


Shadowbanned: I was young too its okay


GeronimoStilton: ha! See!


Hermit: its different Ango was a man slut


GeronimoStilton: okay Mr. 40 year old virgin




GeronimoStilton: NO




Noticemesenpai: 🤷🏻‍♀️


HamsterChow: how do u—




Hermit: NO


GeronimoStilton: 👁 👄 👁


HamsterChow: I wish I hadn’t asked


CatCrazy: said all of us at some point in this chat


CatCrazy: esp Kenji




Ithinknot: what happened


HamsterChow: NO


Ithinknot: I must know


CatCrazy: Kenji found strawberry flavoured condoms in Kunikida’s room and thought they were gummies


Shithead: “strawberry gummy not gummy things” if im correct


CatCrazy: you are


Shithead: as usual


CatCrazy: shut up


Shithead: no


Ithinknot: whos the lucky lady Bahahaha


HamsterChow: UGHHHHHHH


Ithinknot: I didn’t ask u to re-enact it for me geez


Ithinknot: pls keep it in your pants


NotmyNeko: I love u Lucy bahahahaha


Ithinknot: yeah yeah


NotmyNeko: I don’t think I’ve seen Kyouka skip before


GremlinwaKnife: what


NotmyNeko: she came out of the infirmary




Shadowbanned: let the kid be happy geez


HamsterChow: actually they both look happy


ElectricBoogaloo: they raced out of the office w Yosano wtf is going on


Bandades_and_Babes: I wonder where she’s taking them




Shithead: pfft


Shadowbanned: I like him


HorrorWhore: thank you


Shadowbanned: youre welcome


Shithead: ?


NotmyNeko: @UpforStabs where are u three off to?


UpforStabs: Yosano is taking us to get our school uniforms!


HamsterChow: already?


EmoAsthmatic: that was fast


Noticemesenpai: very fast


UpforStabs: she says our paperwork already went through


GeronimoStilton: still fast


UpforStabs: apparently the school owed Fukuzawa a favour 🤷🏻‍♀️


HamsterChow: that makes more sense


Bandades_and_Babes: see it wasn’t a candy store


HorrorWhore: well it sure wasn’t what you were thinking now was it


Bandades_and_Babes: well no…


GremlinwaKnife: lol


UpforStabs: im excited


NotmyNeko: im excited for you!!


Stopsignsgobrr: it’ll be like going to a normal school!


ElectricBoogaloo: Kenji you WILL be going to a normal school


Stopsignsgobrr: oh yeah


ElectricBoogaloo: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Stopsignsgobrr: 🤷‍♂️






11:05 am


Incoming Call from Chuuya


Call Accepted


Atsushi: hello?


Chuuya: hey, kid. Are you busy?


Atsushi: (office chatter in the background) I’m finishing a case report, why?


Chuuya: uh, can you spare a few minutes?


Atsushi: (skeptical) sure, why?


Chuuya: I… I’m sorry to bother you at work


Atsushi: (growing worried) What’s wrong? Did something happen?


Chuuya: More like happening. And I don’t know what I’m doing I think I made it worse


Atsushi: What’s going on, Chuuya-san?


Chuuya: I’m not sure exactly. Junichiro seems to be having a bit of a meltdown


Atsushi: (chair scraping across the floor) A meltdown? Or a panic attack?


Chuuya: (frantic whispering) I don’t know! I only know how to handle Dazai!


Atsushi: okay okay, don’t worry


Chuuya: I tried but I just—I don’t know


Atsushi: Chuuya-san?


Chuuya: yes?


Atsushi: Can you give Jun the phone please?


Chuuya: oh fuck, yeah. Sorry. (shuffling, phone being handed over)


Atsushi: Junichiro?


Jun: (voice wavering) Hello?


Atsushi: Hey. It’s Atsushi. Are you okay?


Jun: Y-yeah, I’m fine! I’m fine.


Atsushi: (skeptical) You don’t sound fine


Jun: (shuddering breath) No. No, I’m fine. It’s all goo—It’s all good


Atsushi: (pauses, listening to ragged breathing) It’s okay if you’re not. You can have bad days.


Jun: (heaving in a breath) I don’t know what’s wrong with me


Atsushi: Nothing’s wrong with—


Jun: I—I—I don’t know why this is happening why is this happening these meds are supposed to help me but they’re not they’re not they’re—


Atsushi: Okay, okay, breathe, Jun. Breathe.


Jun: breathing…


Atsushi: It’s only been a couple weeks. It could take a bit longer.


Jun: (on the verge of tears) I feel like shit


Atsushi: It’s side-effects. They’ll get better.


Jun: No. No, it’s not the side-effects


Atsushi: What?


Jun: I-I keep getting these awful rushes of anxiety that I didn’t used to get. Not like this. And… and…


Atsushi: And what?


Jun: I can’t tell you, I can’t tell you you’re gunne be mad


Atsushi: I’m not gunna be mad


Jun: (crying) You’re gunna be mad, you’d all be so mad!


Atsushi: (alarmed) Hey… Hey, Jun, I’m not gunna be mad. It’s okay.


Jun: It’s not okay. It’s not okay, I don’t feel right.


Atsushi: And that’s scaring you, right?


Jun: (trying to calm himself) Yes.


Atsushi: Is that what got you just now? Is that why you’re feeling like this?


Jun: I don’t know. I don’t—I don’t feel right. This isn’t right, something’s wrong. But I was trying to wait and and I was waiting but it hit me and Chuuya was here and I dind’t want him to know but he noticed and I can’t explain it to him and he knows it was trigged by Dazai he knows he saw what happened and it was too much it was all just too much I’m sorry


Atsushi: You don’t need to be sorry, Junichiro. It’s alright.


Jun: I didn’t mean to make a fuss or anything I was really trying to keep it to myself


Atsushi: It’s okay. Take a few deep breaths for me, okay?


Jun: (shakily) Mm—mhmm


Atsushi: Chuuya only wanted to help you, Jun. That’s all he wanted to do. He called me because he didn’t want you to deal with this alone but he didn’t want to make it worse. He was already upset.


Jun: Oh. Did I…?


Atsushi: No! No. He just thought he might’ve made it worse for you. That he might’ve said something.


Jun: No. It was all me. I’m too in my own head again lately.


Atsushi: Have you been thinking about—


Jun: I don’t want to talk about it


Atsushi: Jun—


Jun: Please, Atsushi. Not right now.


Atsushi: (sighs) Okay. But you know you can tell me if you feel that way. Right?


Jun: Yeah. I know.


Atsushi: Do you want to talk to Yosano about your meds? Or do you want me to bring it u to her when she gets back?


Jun: No, not yet. Please. Maybe I just need a few more days.


Atsushi: Listen to what your body’s telling you, Jun. If it feels wrong, you might need something different.


Jun: I know… Just, let me give it a few more days. I just got myself freaked out. That’s all…


Atsushi: (giving in) Okay. A few more days. That’s all, though.


Jun: Mhmm.


Atsushi: Okay. Are you feeling better now?


Jun: (sniffs) a little bit, yeah. Thank you, Atsushi.


Atsushi: Of course. You could have called me, you know.


Jun: You need time to yourself, too.


Atsushi: I know. But taking a few minutes isn’t a big deal, you know that.


Jun: I know.


Atsushi: Where’s Chuuya-san now?


Jun: I think he’s out in the living room… he wanted to give me some privacy I think. That or he didn’t want to watch me having a breakdown.


Atsushi: Maybe both


Jun: I know I remind him of Dazai


Atsushi: (pauses) Maybe. Well, this is his phone, so you should probably give it back.


Jun: Yeah—oh, I hear him moving. (covers phone, muffled speaking) Chuuya-san!


Chuuya: (muffled, in the background) Hey, kid. How’re you feeling?


Jun: (muffled) I’m okay now I think


Chuuya: (muffled, coming closer) Sorry I couldn’t help you more


Jun: (phone switching hands, clarity of the voices going in and out) No, it’s okay. Sorry I freaked out on you.


Chuuya: (closer to the phone) It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Do you need anything?


Jun: (in the background) No… but thank you. I think I’m just gunna take a nap for right now.


Chuuya: Okay. Sleep well. (shuffling feet, door closing) Atsushi? You still there?


Atsushi: Yeah, I’m still here


Chuuya: (sighs in relief) Thank you so much. I didn’t know what to do.


Atsushi: Of course.


Chuuya: You got him calmed down pretty quick


Atsushi: It wasn’t really that bad. He’d just worked himself up a bit.


Chuuya: Gotcha. Well, I’ll let you get back to that case report.


Atsushi: (chuckles) okay.


Chuuya: Thanks again, kid


Atsushi: It was no problem at all




Listen Up, Fuckers


12: 15 pm


Thoushaltshutup sent an image (Kyouka stands against a blank wall, eyes averted from the camera, in a fresh school uniform).


Shadowbanned: aw she looks so good!


GremlinwaKnife: our little girl is growing up 😢


EmoAsthmatic: Gin.


GremlinwaKnife: shut up I know


GremlinwaKnife: I KNOW Ryu


GremlinwaKnife: GEEZ


EmoAsthmatic: ✋🏼


Noticemesenpai: Aw she looks so cute!!


CatCrazy: aw! Beautiful!


Ithinknot: looks cute on her


FuckityFuck: oh my darling girl, so beautiful ❤️


NotmyNeko: aw Kyouka-chan!


CATana: she looks very cute


Thoushaltshutup: doesn’t she! Your grand-daughters growing up, Sensei


CATana: don’t remind me


Thoushaltshutup sent an image (Kenji stands against a blank wall, smiling at the camera, in his new uniform).


Bandades_and_Babes: huh. He looks normal for once.


Stopsingsgobrr: I will CUT you


GeronimoStilton: and there goes the normal


NotmyNeko: don’t listen to him Kenji-kun


ElectricBoogalo: Looking good kid


AngryChuuyaNoises: no you’re not allowed to grow up


ElectricBoogaloo: apparently I have a brother-in-law now


AngryChuuyaNoises: that’s right


Stopsingsgobrr: im okay with that


ElectricBoogaloo: u weren’t supposed to agree with him!


Stopsignsgobrr: what r u gunna do about it


ElectricBoogaloo: whoever taught him this is fired


GremlinwaKnife: that would be YOU


ElectricBoogaloo: AND YOU


UpforStabs: and me lol


NotmyNeko: and Jun


Thoushaltshutup: hey! Where’s my credit!


ElectricBoogaloo: 🙄


CATana: and now my grandson too… why am I sad??


CATana: theyre both crackheads


AngryChuuyaNoises: BAHAHA


NotmyNeko: tell us how u really feel lmao


CATana: I should be glad to get them off my hands but nOOO


Bandades_and_Babes: oh no hes learning our language


CATana: I could shit talk u all day long bandade face


Bandades_and_Babes: well then


GremlinwaKnife: u really need to change your username


ElectricBoogaloo: ill think of something


Bandades_and_Babes: oh god not this again


Thoushaltshutup sent an image (Kenji and Kyouka both against the blank wall, Kenji’s arm around Kyouka while she leans into him, both of them smiling at the camera).


Shadowbanned: AWWWW


NotmyNeko: they’re so cute


NotmyNeko: get rid of it


HorrorWhore: ??


CATana: im going to cry if I look at it any longer


ElectricBoogaloo: Kunikida beat u to it


CATana: what?


Shithead: LMAOOO


ElectricBoogaloo sent an image (Kunikida trying to hide his face from the camera, but it’s obvious he’s crying)


CatCrazy: who made him cry goddammit


CatCrazy: oh


CatCrazy: aw theyre so cute!!


AngryChuuyaNoises: Kunikida we can cry together


HamsterChow: okay


HamsterChow: im just so happy for them both!


NotmyNeko: hes a proud dad


HamsterChow: don’t even say that im not ready for children


CatCrazy: it’s a little late for that


HamsterChow: Ik ik but look at them! I AM proud of them


FRICKINLEMONS: its just middle school uniforms




EmoAsthmatic: Lemon maniac*


Ithinknot: both?


EmoAsthmatic: both


Ithinknot: 🤷🏻‍♀️


HorrorWhore: I should be writing about all of you instead


Shithead: PFFT


Thoushaltshutup: thank you


GremlinwaKnife: I take that as a compliment


Shadowbanned: 🤭




HorrorWhore: TRY ME LUCY


NotmyNeko: someone please translate


Shithead: no its funny this way


ElectricBoogaloo: she said she loved him


NotmyNeko: she did?


ElectricBoogaloo: NO!




ElectricBoogaloo: make me Chibi 😘


AngryChuuyaNoises: just for that we’re not fucking tonight


NotmyNeko: oh for fucks sake


FuckityFuck: oh my EYES


HamsterChow: now im crying for a different reason


ElectricBoogaloo: no need to be jealous Kunikida u can join in if u want to


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO HE CANT


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO U CANT


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHAT THE FUCK


NotmyNeko: possessive much Chuuya-san?


AngryChuuyaNoises: HES STRAIGHT


HamsterChow: IM STRAIGHT


ElectricBoogaloo: lol chaos go brr


HamsterChow: oh fuck you


ElectricBoogaloo: okay




HamsterChow: nO


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Ginge: what the fuck have I just walked into


NotmyNeko: I promise you Jun


NotmyNeko: u don’t want to know

Chapter Text



Friday, 11:09 am


NotmyNeko: R u ready?


GremlinwaKnife: for what?


NotmyNeko: ??


GremlinwaKnife: im just kidding sushi


GremlinwaKnife: yes Im ready, go ahead


NotmyNeko: smh





NotmyNeko added GremlinwaKnife, Sugardaddy, and HamsterChow to a chat


NotmyNeko: hello hello


Sugardaddy: ohf fuck no


HamsterChow: what in the fuck is this


GremlinwaKnife: hello :)


Sugardaddy: is there something u two need?


NotmyNeko: well sort of!


HamsterChow: okay what


GremlinwaKnife: its more of an idea… AND a question


HamsterChow: oh good lord


NotmyNeko: so next week is Tachihara and Junichiro’s birthdays


GremlinwaKnife: and we were wondering if we could maybe throw a joint party?


NotmyNeko: might cheer Jun up a bit! And Tachis a bit wild


GremlinwaKnife: a bit?


NotmyNeko: okay a lot


GremlinwaKnife: thank you


NotmyNeko: so… what do you think?


HamsterChow: absolutely not at the office


GremlinwaKnife: then where?


HamsterChow: anywhere but here


NotmyNeko: hmmmm


Sugardaddy: hold on a minute


GremlinwaKnife: got an idea gramps?


Sugardaddy: I do actually


Sugardaddy added AngryChuuyaNoises to the chat


Sugardaddy: Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh what the fuck


Sugardaddy: I require information


AngryChuuyaNoises: okay… whats up?


Sugardaddy: the port mafia has a club that’s mostly run by us, correct?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah why?


Sugardaddy: Gin


GremlinwaKnife: Atsushi and I want to have a surprise party for Michi and Jun


AngryChuuyaNoises: im sure I could arrange that


HamsterChow: did you two have a date in mind?


NotmyNeko: Well Jun’s birthday is on Tuesday and Tachi’s is what day again Gin?


GremlinwaKnife: Michi’s is the following Monday


NotmyNeko: so how about Friday? That gives us a good week


HamsterChow: and Jun’s supposed to be back at work on Thursday right?


NotmyNeko: that’s the plan!


HamsterChow: Chuuya, could you make that work?


AngryChuuyaNoises: give me five minutes


GremlinwaKnife: woo hoo!


HamsterChow: well that wasn’t as chaotic as I thought it would be


NotmyNeko: not everything is chaotic okay we just want to give our friends a good birthday


HamsterChow: Jun will be 19 right?


NotmyNeko: yep


HamsterChow: and Tachi?


GremlinwaKnife: 20


HamsterChow: wait wait wait


NotmyNeko: what?


HamsterChow: we have a problem


HamsterChow: Jun is still underage, he cant drink. Actually a lot of you cant. Both of you, Kenji, Kyouka, Jun, Naomi, and Lucy can’t drink.


GremlinwaKnife: sure we can!


Sugardaddy: they drank at the cottage


HamsterChow: no I mean bc we’ll be at a club. Actually, I don’t think they’d even be able to get in!


Sugardaddy: oh don’t worry about that


HamsterChow: what?


AngryChuuyaNoises: lol ur such a stickler. We’ve got it covered.


HamsterChow: wdym


AngryChuuyaNoises: we’re in charge and I reserved the place for the night. We can let in whoever we want


HamsterChow: is that legal?


AngryChuuyaNoises: …


Sugardaddy: …


GremlinwaKnife: …


HamsterChow: right.


NotmyNeko: lol


Sugardaddy: what time did you set the reservation for Chuuya?


AngryChuuyaNoises: 6, so that we’d have an hour to decorate or set up or whatever tf before hand. So actually 7


NotmyNeko: thank you Chuuya-san!


GremlinwaKnife: thank you!


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah yeah. Now get to stepping and make a chat for whoever is gunna help u out with this


Sugardaddy: and for gods sake leave me out of it my heart can only take so much chaos at a time


GremlinwaKnife: when ur old


Sugardaddy: case in point


GremlinwaKnife: lol


NotmyNeko: thank you sm Kunikida-san! Hirotsu-san!


Sugardaddy: don’t mention it


HamsterChow: ofc kid



11:35 am

NotmyNeko added GremlinwaKnife, HamsterChow, AngryChuuyaNoises, Thoushaltshutup, Shithead, Notatanizaki, Stopsignsgobrr, Noticemesenpai, and FRICKINLEMONS to a chat


NotmyNeko named the chat Shhh Secret Stuff


GremlinwaKnife: listen up fuckers


NotmyNeko: Gin nO


Stopsignsgobrr: um?


FRICKINLEMONS: new number who dis


GremlinwaKnife: shut the fuck up


Noticemesepai: hello?


Thoushaltshutup: oh god


Shithead: ou a distraction!


NotmyNeko: from what now


Shithead: I don’t wanna do my work


HamsterChow: do u ever


Shithead: no


NotmyNeko: send it my way Im bored af


Notatanizaki: not the cupboards not the cupboards NOT THE CUPBOARDS


NotmyNeko: sorry Naomi


Notatanizaki: fuckkkkkkk


Notatanizaki: 😞


Stopsignsgobrr: what is it with him and the cupboards???


Thoushaltshutup: bc he can control it


Stopsignsgobrr: oh—


GremlinwaKnife: ANYWAY


GremlinwaKnife: we put u in this chat for a reason


NotmyNeko: thanks to Chuuya-san, we have a reservation at a PM owned club for a joint surprise party for Tachi and Jun


Notatanizaki: oh cool!


Thoushalltshutup: ou I can get drunk im in


Shithead: will there be food


Stopsignsgobrr: no Ranpo were just not going to feed u


Shithead: listen here u little shit


Stopsignsgobrr: hard not to listen to your never ending bag of chips


HamsterChow: honestly how do u eat that many that’s the second bag


Stopsignsgobrr: just thinking about it makes me gag


NotmyNeko: hes stomach is just a void


GremlinwaKnife: clearly


FRICKINLEMONS: as long as I get booze im cool


Thoushaltshutup: drinking contest?


FRICKINLEMONS: absolutely not


Thoushaltshutup: god dammit


HamsterChow: smart man


AngryChuuyaNoises: bc this is going nowhere allow me


AngryChuuyaNoises: we can be there as early as 6, so everyone in this chat needs to come early to help decorate and set up


Stopsignsgobrr: okay!


GremlinwaKnife: except for me and Atsushi, we have to keep the boys occupied




GremlinwaKnife: I will suck him off right in front of u to make u shut up


FRICKINLEMONS: bold of u to assume I wouldn’t like that


Noticemesenpai: u wouldn’t


FRICKINLEMONS: shut up Higuchi


Noticemesenpai: not this again


AngryChuuyaNoises: please?? Refrain??


Shithead: yeah I don’t need to see any more exposed dicks


AngryChuuyaNoises: SHUT UP


Shithead: LOL


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


AngryChuuyaNoises: one day u will die. And I WILL be the one to kill u.


Shithead: lol okay shortstack


AngryChuuyaNoises: ASDFGHJKL STFU


Stopsignsgobrr: lol


AngryChuuyaNoises: ur short too!


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah but it works for me I can get away w being cute


NotmyNeko: so he IS self-aware


Thoushaltshutup: oh he 100% knows what hes doing


FRICKINLEMONS: I mean he did manage to get Kyouka


Stopsignsgobrr: yes I did ;)


NotmyNeko: O.o


HamsterChow: okay hes not that self aware


Stopsignsgobrr: no need to ruin it for me Kunikida-san :(


HamsterChow: im just saying


FRICKINLEMONS: wanna give me relationship advice little man?


Stopsignsgobrr: just b cim dating Kyouka doesn’t mean I know how I did it


NotmyNeko: MOOD


Thoushaltshutup: kinda of for me, except its more like WHY did I do it


Shithead: HEY


Noticemesenpai: bahahahaha


Notatanizaki: yall are blowing up my phone during class can I turn it off r u done??


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah Naomi we’re done silence it


Notatanizaki: thank you


NotmyNeko: Yosano youre in charge of inviting everyone


GremlinwaKnife: Higuchi can u do a couple cakes?


Noticemesenpai: Yep!


HamsterChow: im assuming im budgeting this


NotmyNeko: if u wouldn’t mind?


HamsterChow: nah its okay


NotmyNeko: perfect


GremlinwaKnife: Kenji can u work with Kajii for food arrangements?


Stopsignsgobrr: sure I guess


FRICKINLEMONS: cmon kid I don’t bite


Stopsignsgobrr: no but u do explode


FRICKINLEMONS: welp u got me there


Stopsignsgobrr: that wasn’t it anyway. But yes I will


FRICKINLEMONS: sweet dm me


Stopsignsgobrr: okay


NotmyNeko: Chuuya-san could u pls help Naomi w decorations


AngryChuuyaNoises: I can absolutely do that


Shithead: what about me?


NotmyNeko: youre only here bc u would’ve figured it out in five minutes anyway


Shithead: aw well that’s no fun


GremlinwaKnife: okay remember to tell everyone it’s a surprise so obviously it’s a secret


GremlinwaKnife: yes Kenji, that was directed at u


Stopsignsgobrr: shut up


GremlinwaKnife: make me mini cowboy


Stopsignsgobrr: why am I now a MINI cowboy? Just a cowboy was bad enough!


Noticemesenpai: bc its funny


Stopsignsgobrr: 😒


NotmyNeko: alright everyone, see you Friday night at 6!


NotmyNeko: message us here if u have any questions




Listen Up, Fuckers


12:19 pm


Bandades_and_Babes: guys guys guys


GremlinwaKnife: oh lord WHAT


Noticemesenpai: what do u want


Bandades_and_Babes: geez why so cold


GremlinwaKnife: idk it matches my heart


UpforStabs: Gin


GremlinwaKnife: don’t ruin it


Stopsignsgobrr: too late


GremlinwaKnife: 😩


Noticemesenpai: what Tachi


Bandades_and_Babes: I just realized something


Thoushaltshutup: which is?


Bandades_and_Babes: I was a baby when I was born


Ginge: man, you really are a moron


Bandades_and_Babes: well think about it!

NotmyNeko: what about it


FRICKINLEMONS: my man did u hit ur head


Bandades_and_Babes: no!

HamsterChow: what the hell


EmoAsthmatic: who got him high


Ginge: @NotmyNeko


NotmyNeko: so help me god I will come in there and whack you across the back of the head with that frying pan


UpforStabs: who are u?? Rapunzel??


NotmyNeko: yes and hes mother gothel


Ginge: that’s so insulting


NotmyNeko: and u so deserved it


Ginge: not true


UpforStabs: yes true


Ginge: Kyouka 😭


UpforStabs: 🤷🏻‍♀️


Shadowbanned: I still cant figure out what Tachi’s point was


GeronimoStilton: just ignore him hes a little off


Shadowbanned: a little?


GremlinwaKnife: hes the ONLY one?


Ginge: im offended


Stopsignsgobrr: me too


GeronimoStilton: whats wrong with you??


UpforStabs: hes a naïve cowboy


Stopsignsgobrr: run


Thoushaltshutup: oh for the love of god


Ithinknot: who almost just knocked Poe down the stairs??


HamsterChow: it was either Jekyll or Hyde but idk which


Ithinknot: well id like to thank them for a good laugh


HorrorWhore: who let her join shes so mean to me


Shithead: shut up ur best friends


Ithinknot: how dare u insinuate such a thing


HorrorWhore: [in English] u love me


Ithinknot: [in English] fuck you


NomyNeko: what did they say??


ElectricBoogaloo: he said she loves him


NotmyNeko: no no im not falling for that one again


ElectricBoogaloo: lol suit yourself


AngryChuuyaNoises: he was actually telling the truth that time


FRICKINLEMONS: ever heard of google translate?


NotmyNeko: fuck u


FRICKINLEMONS: sorry bud I don’t swing that way


Ginge: Dazai and Chuuya speak English too??


AngryChuuyaNoises: Kouyou does too


Ginge: what?? The fuck??


ElectricBoogaloo: all of the PM execs had to know it to negotiate with ppl from other countries


NotmyNeko: oh so Mori speaks it too then?


Legallydad: lol no


Ginge: that literally makes no fucing sense


Legallydad: neither do u


Ginge: got me there, next question


NotmyNeko: Jun


Ginge: I mean im quite the fucked up mess over here LOL


NotmyNeko: oh look its an incoming frying pan




HamsterChow: AGAIN??




AngryChuuyaNoises: oh so THAT’S how u did it


NotmyNeko: yep totally my secret tactic Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: knew it


ElectricBoogaloo: yes bc violence is always the answer Chibi


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t u start


ElectricBoogaloo: NYAHHHHHH


AngryChuuyaNoises: I SAID DON’T START


GeronimoStilton: too late hes already started


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes Ango I can see that thank you


Shadowbanned: good bc I don’t think he can I stole his glasses


GeronimoStilton: tdll hfr th gbe thm bcjk


ElectricBoogaloo: don’t give them back


Hermit: keep them longer


GremlinwaKnife: pull a Jun


Ginge: …what…?




Ginge: oh


GeronimoStilton: guts I csnr srr


NotmyNeko: man hes not even close


Hermit: Tsujimura hide them in ur bun


Shadowbanned: lol okay


Shadowbanned sent a picture (Ango’s glasses are tucked into her bun)


Noticemesenpai: that’s so mean but so funny


Shadowbanned: I thought so


ElectricBoogaloo: the best part is if he could see the photo he’d know how to get them back


FRICKINLEMONS: no the bun is too easy stick them bw ur boobs


Shadowbanned: um what??


FRICKINLEMONS: he cant get them back unless he tries to feel u up


Noticemesenpai: hed better fucking not


Shadowbanned: lol id like to see him try id kick his scrawny ass


Hermit: you would and it would be HILARIOUS


GeronimoStilton: guts?>


Stopsignsgobrr: yes.


Ginge: what the fuck


CATana: who the fucking hell was wreaking havoc outside my office


HamsterChow: the enigma twins over here


Thoushaltshutup: your grandchildren


UpforStabs: I did no such thing


Stopsignsgobrr: yes u did u ran and I pinned u to the wall


Ginge: wow go Kenji


Bandades_and_Babes sent a voice message (a wolf-whistle)


UpforStabs sent a voice message (“Shut the fuck up”)


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s not


Stopsignsgobrr: I wasn’t


Stopsignsgobrr: we didn’t


Stopsignsgobrr: aw fuck


Ginge: just admit u were making out in the hallway and get it over with


CATana: against my nice clean wall??


CatCrazy: what the fuck 😂


Stopsignsgobrr: no! No that’s not what happened


Ginge: *nudge nudge*


Stopsignsgobrr: nO


FRICKINLEMONS: its okay hes not an exebitionist like Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: lol


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes bc that ended SO WELL last time


Stopsignsgobrr: fuck


Stopsignsgobrr: lets not go there pls


Stopsignsgobrr: and that really wasn’t what we were doing pls we were just goofing off


Stopsignsgobrr: pls don’t give her trouble


HamsterChow: but u want me to give u trouble?


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s not what I said…


FRICKINLEMONS: it doesn’t always need to be said ;)


Shadowbanned: u guys SHUT UP


Bandades_and_Babes: but its funny


Shadowbanned: stop bullying the poor kid


Stopsignsgobrr: no its fine!


Stopsignsgobrr: really its not that big of a deal


Shadowbanned: still tho


Stopsignsgobrr: man I should’ve just stayed put


Bandades_and_Babes: geez kid stop being so hard on yourself


Ginge: easy for u to say when ur hopped up on Atsushis weed


NotmyNeko: I will CUT u


Ginge: yes bc I need MORE of those Atsushi


Stopsignsgobrr: yes more is always a good thing


NotmyNeko: I—


NotmyNeko: u both know what I meant


ElectricBoogaloo: lol same


HamsterChow: no—


Thoushaltshutup: welp time for plan B I guess


Ithinknot: geez Ranpo use a condom


Shithead: nah


Ithinknot: O.o


HorrorWhor: that one backfired on u now didn’t it


Ithinknot: yep


Bandades_and_Babes: I wasn’t high! I was just really tired


GremlinwaKnife: maybe if u slept this whole mess would’ve been avoided


ElectricBoogaloo: but it was entertaining


Ginge: this is chaos


GremlinwaKnife: youre chaos


Ginge: that is true


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Ginge: its true!! My brain is in a state of uncontrolled chaos


Stopsignsgobrr: lol me too


UpforStabs: what kind of chaos Kenji?? Cows??


Stopsignsgobrr: sure


NotmyNeko: oh my fucking god


NotmyNeko: I need a nap


AngryChuuyaNoises: you and me both kid


HamsterChow: ill join u


NotmyNeko: sweet sleeping party


Ginge: not in my house


NotmyNeko: well YOU don’t so at least someone will be


Thoushaltshutup: speaking of which Kenji go take a nap so u don’t fall asleep on the keyboard and have indents in your face


UpforStabs: not to mention the whole page full of just Na


HamsterChow: that was actually pretty funny


Stopsignsgobrr: for you! That key stuck for a good while after that


Hermit: lucky for u I fixed it


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah thanks for that btw


Hermit: no problem kiddo now go have a nap


Stopsignsgobrr: im not tired tho


Thoushaltshutup: what the fuck


Stopsignsgobrr: too much adrelaline maybe??


Ginge: eh hes growing itll probably come back


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah that’s probably it


Thoushaltshutup: maybe


ElectricBooaloo: can I have a nap instead?


HamsterChow: no


THoushaltshutup: no


ElectricBoogaloo: boo


Thoushaltshutup: 🙄


2:00 pm


GeronimoStilton: ghus??????

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Sunday, 4:15pm


Ginge: @AngryChuuyaNoises It’s your turn


AngryChuuyaNoises: for what??


Ginge: to teach Kenji how to drive




Ginge: Relax! I only took him on the country roads


Bandades_and_Babes: lol can he even reach the pedals


Stopsignsgobrr: YES!




Stopsignsgobrr: sorry Kunikida-san…


Ginge: we just wanted to have some fun


Ginge: plus those roads never have anybody on them


NotmyNeko: that’s true^ every time we’ve gone driving up there theres never anybody


Notatanizaki: they’re both right


HamsterChow: STILL


ElectricBoogaloo: lol car go brr


HamsterChow: now is NOT the time Dazai


Stopsignsgobrr: pls don’t blame Jun its my fault


HamsterChow: its HIS CAR


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah but he only asked me if I wanted to go bc he said I looked sad


FRICKINLEMONS: yeah kid how dare u look sad


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah ik


FRICKINLEMONS: Kenji I was kidding


Stopsignsgobrr: I wasn’t


HamsterChow: well as long as youre both okay


Ginge: we’re fine, Kunikida-san


NotmyNeko: well clearly u didn’t crash Kenji so that’s a good start


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah


NotmyNeko: also, Kyouka has driven before, too. With YOU in the car




NotmyNeko: shes a better driver than you are


ElectricBoogaloo: I believe that


CATana: me too


HamsterChow: President ??


CATana: 🤷‍♂️


HamsterChow: either way, she drove in an emergency


Ginge: yeah! So everyone should learn how too


NotmyNeko: im going for lessons soon too!


ElectricBoogaloo: ill teach!!






GeronimoStilton: Your driving skills pretty much equal out to that of a drunk driver


ElectricBoogaloo: rude


ElectricBoogaloo: I see u got ur glasses back


GeronimoStilton: eventually


Hermit: howd u manage that


GeronimoStilton: she gave them back


Hermit: Tsujimuraaaaaaa


ElectricBoogaloo: u were supposed to keep them hidden!!


Shadowbanned: I felt bad :(


Hermit: well don’t!

Noticemesenpai: don’t be nice to him cmon


GeronimoStilton: just b cur mean to me doesn’t mean she needs to be


Noticemesenpai: yeah well im special okay


Bandades_and_Babes: oh ur special alright


EmoAsthmatic: stop before she shoots u


Bandades_and_Babes: she wont


EmoAsthmatic: she might


Noticemesenpai: I might


EmoAsthmatic: ^


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah yeah


Ginge: rip u will be missed


Bandades_and_Babes: a single bullet wont kill me


NotmyNeko: an entire magazine might tho


Bandades_and_Babes: as if


Bandades_and_Babes: what was that click


GremlinwaKnife: LMAO


EmoAsthmatic: id run if I were u


Ginge: rUn FoRrEsT rUn


Ithinknot: 😂


Bandades_and_Babes: Higuchi no


Bandades_and_Babes: HIGUCHI BAD


EmoAsthmatic: NO BISCUIT


NotmyNeko: 🤣


Thoushaltshutup: “no biscuit”




GremlinwaKnife: shes actually chasing him


EmoAsthmatic: hes the moron who opened the door


GremlinwaKnife: fair


NotmyNeko: hes the moron from the horror movies


Ithinknot: which one


NotmyNeko: ALL of them


EmoAsthmatic: pfft


GremlinwaKnife: ^true


UpforStabs: Kenjiiiiiiii


Stopsignsgobrr: hmm?


UpforStabs: Kenjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


Stopsignsgobrr: Kyoukaaaa




Stopsignsgobrr: WHAT


NotmyNeko: hes getting tired of ur shit Kyouka


UpforStabs: so am I so what?


Thoushaltshutup: 🤨


Stopsignsgobrr: ????


UpforStabs: how did u do??


Stopsignsgobrr: I wanna say I did good but I have no frame of reference really


EmoAsthmatic: Jun?


Ginge: I thought he did well for a first attempt


Ginge: I mean I wasn’t afraid that I was gunna die or anything like that


NotmyNeko: youre never afraid of that


Ginge: that’s not true


Ginge: id rather not have death by earthquake


Ginge: or doctor


Ginge: or clown


GremlinwaKnife: …clown?




ElectricBoogaloo: or me?


Ginge: no an actual clown


FRICKINLEMONS: im offended


ElectricBoogaloo: are u calling me a liar Junichiro??


Ginge: yes yes I am


Ithinknot: okay Phinneas


Ginge: wHeReS pErRy


Ithinknot: Doofenshmirtz evil inc ~


GreminwaKnife: a platypus??


HorrorWhore: pErRy ThE pLaTyPuS!!


Ithinknot: I love all three of u


GremlinwaKnife: aw <3


Ginge: ur cool :)


HorrorWhore: die


Ithinknot: 😒


HorrorWhore: hahaha


EmoAsthmatic: why do they hate each other so much


Shithead: oh they don’t


Shadowbanned: r u sure about that


Thoushaltshutup: yes


Emoasthmatic: really…?


HorrorWhore: shes like my sister


NotmyNeko: oh that makes more sense


Ithinknot: except IM the older sibling


HorrorWhore: yeah yeah suit yourself




HorrorWhore: u chose to “take care of me”


Ithinknot: smh


NotmyNeko: all I can hear rn is incoherent English mumbling


Ginge: what is she saying


NotmyNeko: id I knew don’t u think I would’ve said that


Ginge: well why don’t u know




Ginge: why not?


Ginge: is it b cur dumb?


Ginge: is b cur dumb isn’t it


NotmyNeko: STOP THAT


Ithinknot: all I can hear right now is incoherent Atsushi mumbling


HorrorWhore: what is he saying


Ithinknot: nO


HorrorWhore: lol


Ithinknot: I can FEEL you smirking stop it


HorrorWhore: no


Ithinknot: don’t make me come over there


HorrorWhore: Karl will go after u


Ithinknot: Karl LOVES me thank you very much


Shithead: me too!


Thoushaltshutup: he just likes your snacks


Shithead: how dare u 😭


HorrorWhore: shes right


Shithead: goddammit Karl u fucking traitor




Shithead: NO


HamsterChow: um


Ithinknot: okay children calm down


HorrorWhore: hes being a dick


Shithead: ur rat is a dick


HorrorWhore: TAKE IT BACK


Shithead: N O


Thoushaltshutup kicked Shithead from the chat


Thoushaltshutup: he’ll calm down in a minute


HorrorWhore: 🙄


Stopsignsgobrr: …can I pet him…?


HorrorWhore: of course you can


Stopsignsgobrr: 😊


UpforStabs: anyway


UpforStabs: so Kenji did good Jun??


Ginge: yeah


UpforStabs: im sensing a but here


Stopsingsgobrr: get ur buts out of here


UpforStabs: u want me to remove my but?


Stopsignsgobrr: u know what I meant 🤦🏽‍♂️


Ginge: he was fine but hes a little bit of a moron


HamsterChow: what did he do


FRICKINLEMONS: whatd u do little man


Stopsignsgobrr: NOTHING


Ginge: lol


Thoushaltshutup: ur gunna get exposed either way


UpforStabs: cmonnnn now u have to tell us


Ginge: cmon Kenji just tell them


Stopsignsgobrr: 😒


Stopsignsgobrr: well u know how out in the country it’s a lot of stop signs and not traffic lights?


HamsterChow: please don’t tell me u ran the stop signs


Ginge: no no let him finish it was quite the opposite


NotmyNeko: what did u do


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t wanna


Ginge: cmon Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: fine


Stopsignsgobrr: I was waiting for the stop sign to change into a go sign


UpforStabs: why am I dating you


Stopsignsgobrr: IDK WHY R U


UpforStabs: LOL


Stopsignsgobrr: WHAT DO U SEE IN ME


UpforStabs: 🤣




NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Thoushaltshutup: oh god


Notatanizaki: PFFT WHAT THE HELL


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh god what have I gotten myself into


Ginge: good luck Chuuya-san I pray for your safe return


AngryChuuyaNoises: …right


Ginge: 😇


Shadowbanned: wait can he even SEE over the steering wheel


Stopsignsgobrr: YES


AngryChuuyaNoises: OI OF COURSE HE CAN


GeronimoStilton: so defensive of ur height


AngryChuuyaNoises; it’s the kid not my height


GeronimoStilton: yeah okay Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: why do u hate me


GeronimoStilton: I don’t but its fun to bully u


AngryChuuyaNoises: I will beat ur ass


GremlinwaKnife: KENJI NO 🤣


Noticemesenpai: omg honey youre so precious


EmoAsthmatic: please don’t ever change


UpforStabs: it’s a bit too late for that


NotmyNeko: what


Ginge: O.O


Bandades_and_Babes: oh CMON


Stopsignsgobrr: KYOUKA??








Thoushaltshutup: yall wrecked this innocent baby 😢


Stopsignsgobrr: well a lot went into that effort didn’t it


ElectricBoogaloo: u have Ranpo to thank for that esp


Stopsignsgobrr: uh huh


Stopsignsgobrr: it was basically ear rape


UpforStabs: lol yup pretty much


Ginge: Im still laughing that u were waiting for it to be a go sign


Stopsignsgobrr: Jun stopppppp


Stopsignsgobrr: u already laughed at me enough in the car


Stopsignsgobrr: he laughes so hard it distracted me and I had to pull over


UpforStabs: oh my god


Bandades_and_Babes: pfft


Bandades_and_Babes: love that for you


Stopsignsgobrr: too bad Gin doesn’t love YOU


Notatanizaki: 🤭


EmoAsthmatic: O.O




Bandades_and_Babes: welp its time for me to go piss Higuchi off again


Noticemesenpai: absolutely not


Bandades_and_Babes: cmon do it


Noticemesenpai: im not going to shoot you


HamsterChow: what kind of bizarre punishment is that


Ginge: hmm never thought of that one


NotmyNeko: im gunna take ur phone away


Ginge: too bad for u my brain doesn’t have a off switch


Ginge: man do I wish it did tho


Bandades_and_Babes: CMON HIGUCHI


Noticemesenpai: I SAID NO


EmoAsthmatic: oh now Tachihara is chasing Higuchi


EmoAsthmatic: what the fuck


FRICKINLEMONS: ill give him lemons


EmoAsthmatic: that’s it im moving


UpforStabs: we don’t have room for u


NotmyNeko: we?? UR NEVER HERE


UpforStabs: why should I it smells like tiger


Thoushaltshutup: PHEREMONES


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO


EmoAsthmatic: R E F R A I N


NotmyNeko: Yosano-sensei 😭


Ginge: lol furry


NotmyNeko: THAT’S IT


Ithinknot: um


Notatanizaki: my spidey senses are tingling


CatCrazy: ur just horny


Notatanizaki: u haven’t been here this whole time and THAT’S the first thing that u say to me


Notatanizaki: stupid whore


CatCrazy: lol u right


CatCrazy: that’s what I was doing, its how I know the spidey senses


Notatanizaki: omfg


Ithinknot: Atsushi??


Stopsignsgobrr: wtf am I hearing rn


Notatanizaki: my idiot boyfriend and his weird brother


Shadowbanned: what


Notatanizaki sent a video (Atsushi stands about ten feet away, wailing on Jun with a pillow while the red-head laughs his ass off on the floor, trying his best to tell him to stop but ultimately failing).


EmoAsthmatic: I give up


GremlinwaKnife: lol gay crisis


EmoAsthmatic: why does my bf have to be gay


ElectricBoogaloo: Akutagawa you are literally a moron


EmoAsthmatic: 😒


UpforStabs: how… how would that work??


Ithinknot: so who r u worried about him or me


EmoAsthmatic: IDK ANYMORE


AngryChuuyaNoises: and you guys called ME possessive


ElectricBoogaloo: so Kunikida can join then?


HamsterChow: NO




ElectricBoogaloo: case in point


AngryChuuyaNoises: I don’t want to share


ElectricBoogaloo: oh u don’t like it when I tease?


AngryChuuyaNoises: stop it


AngryChuuyaNoises: I know exactly what ur doing


ElectricBoogaloo: hmm this guy at the store has been flirting with me the whole time


ElectricBoogaloo: I wasn’t gunna say anything but maybe u should try saying that to me ;)


HamsterChow: oh god what the fuck


ElectricBoogaloo: I told him I had a boyfriend and he said he could fuck me better


AngryChuuyaNoises: u know what that does to me Osamu


UpforStabs: 👁  👄  👁


EmoAsthmatic: refrain?????


ElectricBoogaloo: yeah? What r u gunna do about it?


AngryChuuyaNoises: get ur ass back here rn


ElectricBoogaloo: idk we need a few more things


AngryChuuyaNoises: u have five minutes to get in here before im ripping ur clothes off


ElectricBoogaloo: perfect


GremlinwaKnife: my fucking EYES


Ginge: anyone have bleach


Notatanizaki: why Juni it sounds like u


NotmyNeko: oh??


GremlinwaKnife: oh look a closet dom


Notatanizaki: closet switch*


Ginge: well that’s embarrassing


Notatanizaki: maybe I should tell u about how the boys at school look at me Juni~


Ginge: don’t


Notatanizaki: hmm r u sure


Ginge: Naomi


Notatanizaki: we’ll be back later


NotmyNeko: lmao u go Jun


Stopsignsgobrr: is it really that easy


Bandades_and_Babes: its just bc hes jealous


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t get it


Thoushaltshutup: how would u feel if u saw another boy flirting w Kyouka


Stopsignsgobrr: mad


Stopsignsgobrr: and


Stopsignsgobrr: oh


Stopsignsgobrr: OH.


UpforStabs: im curious what epiphany u just came to babes


Stopsignsgobrr: ill tell u later im busy


NotmyNeko: what the fuck just happened


Noticemesenpai: honestly Atsushi idek anymore


HamsterChow: does anyone


GeronimoStiltin: do any of us anymore


Hermit: bold of u to assume that I ever DID


GeronimoStilton: bold of u to assume that I wont PUNT u


GremlinwaKnife: OU OU LET ME


Hermit: well now im torn


HamsterChow: oh for fucks sake

Chapter Text

“I’m surprised you’re not reorganizing the cupboards again.”


Hazel eyes glanced up from here they’d stared blankly at the TV. “I didn’t feel like it today.”


“Finally got it out of your system?”


“I guess so.”


Atsushi dropped onto the couch beside him, leaning back and pulling out his phone. “I’m glad. Don’t think I could’ve taken any more clanging pots.”


“Yeah yeah. I was bored, what did you want from me?”


“Bored or trying to distract yourself?”


Jun met his eyes. “Does it matter?”


“Of course it matters.”


“Then both, I guess. You know the drill.”


“I guess I do. Sort of.”


“One thing, then another, and then back again.” He sighed, averting his eyes. “It’s exhausting.”


“I’m sure it is. And speaking of exhausting, you look about ready to pass out.”


Jun shrugged. “These meds just make me tired.”


“Do you have a headache?”


Jun shot him a pointed look. “There hasn’t been a day I haven’t had one since I started taking these pills.”






Atsushi cringed. “Either way, you seem more tired than normal.”


“I didn’t sleep well last night. But I don’t want to try and sleep right now.”


“Suit yourself. What are you going to do then?”


Junichiro glanced around the room, then back to Atsushi. “I dunno. Draw maybe?”


“What will you draw?”


“Me rearranging the cupboards.” When Atsushi glared at him, a small smile reached his lips. “I’m kidding.”






Atsushi shot him another look. “You better be.”


Pushing himself to his feet, Jun waved him off and headed to a set of drawers, pulling out some paper and a few pencils. Atsushi went back to his phone, checking his email as Jun sat down at the table and tapped the pencil against his chin. Then against the table. At least it was better than the pots.


“What should I draw?”


Atsushi didn’t look up. “Beats me. I don’t have a creative bone in my body.”


“You don’t have to to spout some nonsense out your ass.”


“How about Hammy biting Kunikida?”


“Done that already.”


He snorted. “Okay, then how about you draw Naomi?”


“I’ve done that a few times, too.”


Atsushi chewed his lip, staring at the wall behind Jun’s head. “What about one of the four of us? You and I, and Kenji and Kyouka.”


Jun paused, then nodded. “Yeah… Yeah, I like that idea.”


Satisfied with himself, Atsushi left Junichiro to his own devices, beginning the sketch with who he could only assume to be Kyouka, being the smallest. He turned back to his phone, clicking his conversation with Lucy and responding to the meme she’d sent him. He then saved it and sent it to Akutagawa, who only sent him a scowling emoji in response and an “I’m at work.”


Atsushi rolled his eyes, knowing full well that he’d respond in the group chat. And to prove his point…




Listen Up, Fuckers


12:45 pm


NotmyNeko: I have an important question


Thoushaltshutup: shoot


NotmyNeko: who do you all think you were in a past life?


Thoushaltshutup: I thought u said it was important


Shadowbanned: where do u guys come up with these random thoughts


Shithead: shower thoughts tm


HamsterChow: considering he’s with Junichiro I really hope he’s not texting us from the shower


NotmyNeko: nah from the couch


Shadowbanned: right


NotmyNeko: but srsly who were u guys in a past life


ElectricBoogaloo: idk probably dead


HamsterChow: well clearly now yes!


ElectricBoogaloo: no just dead. Dirt. U know?


HamsterChow: dirt cant be dead its never ALIVE


FRICKINLEMONS: I was a lemon


FuckityFuck: of fucking course you were


FRICKINEMONS: what else wuld I be


AngryChuuyaNoises: hopefully someone with a normal fucking life


Noticemesenpai: u probably were some moron who got hit by a bus


AngryChuuyaNoises: why


Noticemesenpai: idk it just fits


UpforStabs: he was the kid from willy Wonka that got stretched like taffy and he’s now being punished by being short



AngryChuuyaNoises: why must you all bully me 😭


ElectricBoogaloo: pretty sure Kunikida was a notebook


HamsterChow: that doesn’t make any fucking sense, ONCE AGAIN


GremlinwaKnife: maybe he was a hamster


UpforStabs: Kenji definitely lived in the wild wild west


Stopsignsgobrr: why


NotmyNeko: theres a snake in his boot


Stopsignsgobrr: not in my boot


NotmyNeko: O.o


Shithead: PFFT WHAT


UpforStabs: you don’t even wear boots


Stopsignsgobrr: 🤦🏽‍♂️


GeronimoStilton: I mustve been a criminal to deserve this life


Noticemesenpai: I somehow doubt youre being punished


GeronimoStilton: feels like it some days


Stopsignsgobrr: does that mean in my next life im going to be something that sucks? Like homeless? Or… idk but something bad


GremlinwaKnife: but why


HamsterChow: Kenji


Thoushaltshutup: No, honey


Stopsignsgobrr: makes no sense but okay


GeronimoStilton: that’s why ppl go to jail. To serve their punishment before they die


Stopsignsgobrr: interesting


Thoushaltshutup: 🤨


Hermit: hopefully I wasn’t a virgin


GeronimoStilton: HAHAHA


HamsterChow: oof


NotmyNeko: fucking big oof


Bandades_and_Babes: biggest oof


EmoAsthmatic: I feel like I was a vampire who got staked


NotmyNeko: babe your emo is showing


EmoAsthmatic: let me LIVE MY LIFE


NotmyNeko: NO


EmoAsthmatic: WHY NOT


NotmyNeko: you said u couldn’t talk bc u were at work


EmoAsthmatic: 👀.👀


EmoAsthmatic: gtg


NotmyNeko: HEY


UpforStabs: hahahahahaha


GremlinwaKnife: RYUU THAT’S SO RUDE


Ithinknot: its funny tho


GremlinwaKnife: yeah it was lol


NotmyNeko: 😒


HorrorWhore: I hope I was a raccoon


Stopsignsgobrr: maybe I was a cow


UpforStabs: u ARE a cow


Stopsignsgobrr: oh ?


UpforStabs: with that appetite of yours


Stopsignsgobrr: I eat the same amount that you do


UpforStabs: but im tiny I need to grow :)


Stopsignsgobrr: are you saying I should eat less


UpforStabs: I was joking babe relax


Stopsignsgobrr: fine


UpforStabs: Kenji?


Stopsignsgobrr: I said its fine


Shithead: I was another master detective!


Bandades_and_Babes: how would you know


Shithead: bc im a master detective


Bandades_and_Babes: …


AngryChuuyaNoises: you walked right into that one


Bandades_and_Babes: shut up


Noticemesenpai: what about u Tachi


Bandades_and_Babes: I feel like I was American


Ithinknot: u should hope not


Bandades_and_Babes: aren’t u American


Ithinknot: Canadian*


Bandades_and_Babes: same thing


Ithinknot: 🤬


HorrorWhore: Tachihara?


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah?


HorrorWhore: you should run


Bandades_and_Babes: from her?


Stopsignsgobrr: no from Anne


Bandades_and_Babes: wtf is Anne


NotmyNeko: you don’t wanna know trust me


Stopsignsgobrr: u really don’t


Ithinknot: I think youd get along very well


Bandades_and_Babes: oh fuck no


Ithinknot: whats wrong? Scared of a harmless doll?


AngryChuuyaNoises: anyone who’s met Elise is yes


Legallydad: that’s rude Chuuya-kun


AngryChuuyaNoises: and??


Legallydad: shes not a doll


CATana: you treat her like one


Legallydad: no I don’t


Noticemesenpai: yes you do


Legallydad: this is Elise


Legallydad: just an fyi, in his past life he’d be some Satanist cult ring leader in charge of rounding up possessed dolls and using them for his evil schemes







Legallydad: FUCK YOU


CATana: im not creepy like that


Noticemesenpai: 🤭


AngryChuuyaNoises: im not laughing im not laughing im not laughing


ElectricBoogaloo sent an image (from the side of the room, you can see Kenji sitting at his desk, staring at the phone with the most bewildered and horrified face he could muster)


Legallydad: hey beef bowl boy, whats with the face


Stopsignsgobrr: whats with the nickname


Legallydad: u eat a shit ton of beef bowls what else would I call you


Stopsignsgobrr: by my fucking name??


Legallydad: moo


Stopsignsgobrr: no


Legallydad: 🥩


UpforStabs: 🐄


Shithead: 🍣


Stopsignsgobrr: fuck off


Ithinknot: somehow, all the way across the city from him, Kyouka still manages to get on his nerves


UpforStabs: 🍔


Legallydad: 🐷


UpforStabs: Kenji @ cows: 🥵


Legallydad: Kenji @ any food: 🤤


UpforStabs: food baby 🤰


Stopsignsgobrr: funny.


UpforStabs: I thought so 😇


NotmyNeko: youre making me hungry


UpforStabs: sorry we already ate before I left with Lucy


GremlinwaKnife: where r u going


Ithinknot: gathering intel on something


UpforStabs: shes shaodowing


Bandades_and_Babes: SHEs shadowing YOU?


UpforStabs: 🖕


Bandades_and_Babes: 🖕


Ithinknot: shes doing fine thank you


ElectricBoogaloo: this is so backwards Kunikida


HamsterChow: I didn’t have a choice! We’re busy, Ranpo’s busy, and I couldn’t have her shadow Kenji


GremlinwaKnife: why not


 Shithead: have u ever seen him work a case


GremlinwaKnife: would I have asked otherwise


Shithead: ur dumb so yeah


GremlinwaKnife: I have a knife and I WILL use it


Stopsignsgobrr: I might beat u to it


NotmyNeko: since when do u have a knife


Stopsignsgobrr: 🤦🏽‍♂️ nvm


NotmyNeko: okay im gunna go bet food now anyway


Stopsignsgobrr: good for u




Atsushi rummaged through the Tanizaki’s kitchen cupboards in search of something to eat, hemming and hawing at his options. Nothing caught his eye, not that there was really anything there anyway. Blowing out his cheeks, he turned and headed back to the living room. “Jun?”


He didn’t look up, eyes trained on the half-completed sketch that his pencil hovered over.




Still nothing.




He started, whipping around to face Atsushi, visibly calming when he realized who he was. “Hmm?”


“I didn’t mean to startle you.”


“No, it’s fine. What’s up?”


“I’m going to go pick up a few things from the store. We both need to eat today.”


Jun turned back to his drawing but didn’t put pencil to paper. “I’m not hungry.”


“Okay, well I’m hungry, and you and Naomi will be later.”




Atsushi watched him for a moment as he stared at the page in front of him as if he was in a daze. He furrowed his brows. “Jun, you really look exhausted.”


“I guess.”


“And you didn’t sleep last night.”




“You should probably go have a nap.”




“Well, if you’re asleep when I get back I’ll make something for the both of us and just put yours in the fridge. Alright?”




With a nod, Atsushi turned away and headed for the door. After slipping on his shoes he yanked it open and pulled it shut behind him, heading down the lot to the sidewalk.


Junichiro still stared at the sketch under his pencil. He and Atsushi stood in the middle with Kenji and Kyouka on either side of them. Kenji was only half finished, being the last person he’d started to draw, but he was no longer focused enough to continue. And so he remained only an outline and the pencil clattered to the table.  


Though he knew Atsushi had left the dorm, he couldn’t remember when before that he had left the room. Had he been talking to him? Asked him something or tried to make conversation? God, he couldn’t remember. He had no idea what had been going on around him—it had only been him, the drawing, and the anxious thoughts swirling in his mind.


The rushes he got out of the blue were worse now than before. Longer and more intense, and the intrusive thoughts nagged at him. They said what they always had, just louder. Urgent. As if he didn’t act then and there it would be catastrophic. They often became too much, and though he did his best to suppress them, they still showed through.


Chuuya had been the first to notice something was off. But when Jun turned in on himself the man had had no idea what to do and called Atsushi. Atsushi knew what to do and he now knew the new medications were fucking with him. He didn’t feel right and something was wrong—but he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what.


All he was aware of in those moments, in that moment, was the undertow threatening to drown him in his own mind. His fingers twitched on the table and he fought to keep them still. To still his mind. But the harder he tried to keep it at bay the more forceful the waves of intrusions washed over him. If Atsushi came back at that moment and had to deal with him again because he couldn’t stay in check…


He was such a burden. Even with something that was supposed to help him he couldn’t be normal. Couldn’t stop the panic and the self-hatred that coursed through his veins on a daily basis. And someone always ended up stuck with him or doing something for him because he was too useless to do it himself. Atsushi was out shopping for him, the other ADA members had been covering his job and doing his work, and the people close to him (especially Atsushi and Kenji) had been hurt by him. Atsushi gave so much for nothing in return, Kenji blamed himself and he couldn’t forget about the way he’d triggered Dazai and how he’d basically shown Kunikida that everything he’d done for him was for nothing. That he was ungrateful.


He deserved it. He knew he did. But at the same time it terrified him.


A red button appeared in his mind and he itched to push it. Smash it relentlessly just to get the feeling to stop. Like it was some kind of release valve. Fingers twitching, legs jolting, chest hitching. He put his head in his hands. “Why now, why now, why NOW, WHY NOW?”


With a sharp heave for air his head flew up and he pushed himself to his feet, stumbling the first few steps. His feet knew where he was going without it registering in his brain. “Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.”


Shaking hands rifled through cabinets and fumbled across shelves, hazel eyes flying around the room when they found nothing. Stepping over the various bottles he’d knocked to the ground he yanked the shower door open, not realizing what he was doing until the pink shell fell to the floor and the razor was between his fingers. It shook against his left wrist as he sank to his knees, looked away, and ripped it across the delicate skin. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t leaving fast enough. So it travelled the same journey once, twice, three more times.


And then he stopped abruptly with a gasp, dropping the blade from Naomi’s razor to the tile floor. Finally his mind caught up with his actions, clarity coming all at once with the release of the pressure on his chest, only for it to be replaced by another, heavier weight. What had he done?


He was supposed to be clean, supposed to be healing, supposed to be trying. Not giving in. After everything they’ve all done for him. After all the support they’ve given and all Yosano has done to try and help him and this is how he repays them?? This is what he does?? What is wrong with him?


He stared at the blood dribbling down his arm and watched it drip to the floor. The shaking came back worse than before, as did the thoughts. He couldn’t catch a break. He couldn’t make them stop. The vertical scars on his wrists caught his attention and he ran a shaking fingertip over one, stomach in knots. He could do it, he could do it now, he should do it now. Look what he’s done. He couldn’t die right, he couldn’t heal right, he couldn’t live right, he couldn’t do anything right. It chanted in his head, the spiraling thoughts and the urge to finally do it right bringing him to the edge.


What good are you to them alive? Look what you’ve done.


They’ll all hate you now anyway. Just do it.


You pathetic coward. Do it.


You’ll be off their hands. Finally. They’ll be rid of you.


Do it.


And do it right this time.


With a trembling hand, Junichiro picked the razor back up off the floor.




Swinging the door open, Kyouka stepped back into the ADA on the bottom floor, holding the door open for Lucy. The new recruit followed her in with a quick thank you, and the two opted for the stairs instead of the elevator.


“So, did that all make sense?”


Lucy glanced down at her and nodded. “Yeah. It wasn’t as daunting as I thought.”




“I’ve always been told, you know, sit down and shut up, only do what I’m told. You know?” Kyouka nodded. “So going out to search for information and pressing people isn’t what I’m used to.”


“You yelled at the police for Atsushi once.”


Lucy rubbed the back of her neck. “Mom friend override?”


Kyouka smiled. “Well, I hope I was a good enough example.”


“You did fine. Don’t worry.”


“That’s good.”


They reached the top of the stairs and Kyouka paused, causing Lucy to turn back to face her. “Aren’t you coming?”


“Could you do me a quick favour?”


“Depends what it is…”


“Could you ask Kenji to come out here for a minute. I need to talk to him.”


Lucy raised a brow. “About what?”


She averted her gaze. “I was picking on him in the chat and I think it might’ve got to him. I want to apologize, but not in front of everyone.”


“Yeah, okay, I’ll—”


They both paused as the men’s bathroom door opened between where the two of them stood and Kenji waked out, swiping at his mouth. He startled, looking between the both of them. “Hi.”


“Nevermind,” Lucy quipped. “I’ll leave you two to it, then.”


Kenji watched her leave with furrowed brows. “Leave us to what?”


“Can I talk to you for a minute?”


“Of course. What do you want to talk about?”


She looked up at him with big eyes. “I’m really sorry for making fun of you earlier. I didn’t mean to upset you.”




“When me and Elise went after you?”


He looked away. “No, no, it’s fine.”


Kyouka stepped forwards and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her head against his chest. “It’s not fine. And I’m sorry. You just started to eat properly not too long ago so I shouldn’t have made fun of you.”


He pursed his lips and hugged back. “It’s fine. Really. I’m fine.”


“Okay. Okay.” She pulled back and offered a smile. “Has Kunikida killed Dazai yet?”


“Not yet” he grinned.


“Hmmm… soon.”


“Oh, for sure.”


Laughing, she reached for his hands and took them in her own, but quickly cut herself off. “Your hand’s hurt again.”




“The knuckles on your right hand are split.” She held it up to show him. “Look.”


He pulled his hand away. “I busted it while gardening over the weekend.”




“Whacked my hand off the edge of a broken pot.”


She snorted. “Dummy.”




Shaking her head, Kyouka pulled him closer and went in for a kiss. He dodged it at the las second and pulled her into a hug where she had to stand on her tiptoes, squeezing her around the middle and closing his eyes. “Ready to head back in?”


She blinked at the door, tightening her arms around his neck. “Yeah. Sure.”




Struggling with the paper bags in his arms, Atsushi trudged across the lot at the dorms. Mentally thanking himself for not locking the door when he left, he balanced one bag on his hip and turned the doorknob, pushing it open with his foot. He tapped it closed after slipping off his shoes and headed around the corner, not surprised at the empty living room.


“Good,” he murmured. “Hopefully he actually fell asleep.”


Tiptoeing across the dorm, Atsushi set the bags down on the kitchen counter and took a breath. They were heavier than they looked. Putting them away didn’t take long, or at least it shouldn’t have, but Jun had rearranged everything, and Atsushi found himself staring at the pantry shelves in bewilderment.


“What the fuck has he done?”


Laughing to himself, he placed the last item on the shelf and closed the door, stepping back. He tapped a finger against his lips, wondering what to make for the two of them. As he pondered, he walked to Jun’s room to check on him, stopping short when he slid the door open to an empty room. Furrowing his brows and blinking at a rapid pace he slid the door shut and backed away. Where could he have gone? He hadn’t heard anything since he’d come back.


As he headed back to the kitchen, he caught something bizarre out of the corner of his eye. The bathroom door, which was always either completely open or completely closed, stood ajar. His heart plummeted into his stomach at the realization and he approached the door with tentative steps. Upon pushing it open he stopped dead, a strangled gasp coming from him when he saw his best friend knelt on the ground holding a razor over fresh scars. “Jun—”


Though he’d been surprised, what surprised him even more was how the boy immediately burst into tears when he saw him. “I’m sorry, Atsushi, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”


His eyes widened and he rushed forward, the razor Jun held clanging to the floor as he pulled his sobbing friend into his arms. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s alright.”


“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”


“Jun, it’s okay.”


“I dunno what’s wrong with me, I’m sorry!”


“Nothing’s wrong with you.”


“I—I—I couldn’t stop, it wouldn’t leave me alone!”


“What wouldn’t leave you alone?”


“The thoughts and the the panic and I’m a burden I know I’m a burden I’m so sorry!”


A violent sob tore through him and Atsushi squeezed tighter, resting a hand on the back of his head. “You’re not a burden. Never have been and never will be.”


“You keep having to tell me, me that or do things fo-or me.”


“I don’t mind. None of us do. You’re hurt and you need reassurance and that’s okay.”




“I know… I know. I’m sorry.”


Jun sobbed into his neck, barely getting enough air to speak. “I’m sorry.”


“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”


“I’m failing, I’m not getting better and you guys put so much faith in me and I just threw it all out the window.”




“Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry!”


“Hey,” he whispered, rubbing his back. “I’m not mad, okay? I’m not mad.”


“You-ou should be! I was about to do it again!”


“To do what again…?”


“I was gunna try again! I was ready to kill myself, Atsushi I was about to try again!”


Atsushi swallowed hard, adjusting his grip. “But you didn’t.”


“I would’ve if you hadn’t walked in. I would’ve done it I was ready to I just wanted it to stop I wanted it to stop!”


Atsushi shushed him as the sobs took over completely, rocking the embrace side to side the slightest bit. “I’m here now. I’ve got you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you were slipping, Jun.”


He didn’t respond. He couldn’t. There was barely enough air in his lungs to cry let alone speak. And the sentences wouldn’t have been coherent anyway. Fear and hurt and shame coursed down his face and dampened his friend’s collar, but Atsushi didn’t mind. He just held on tight and leant his head against Jun’s with his eyes closed. Yet another close call.


The hiccoughing cries quieted to nearly silent tears and then to sniffs. He still trembled, but it was better than the violent, terrified shaking from before. Atsushi ran a gentle hand over the back of his head. “Do you want me to patch you up or do you want to do it yourself?”


“I don’t think I can without…”


“Okay.” He pulled back and Jun looked away, stray tears falling down his blotchy face. Atsushi wiped a few away with his thumb. “Hey. Look at me.” Jun met his eyes, and the shame and guilt held in his expression nearly knocked the wind out of Atsushi. “You’re not a burden. I want to help you because I care about you.”


Junichiro said nothing, just watched Atsushi’s concerned face.


“Jun, you’re my brother and I love you. Being here for you is not a bother. It’s not annoying. It’s not too much. You’re not too much. Okay? I mean that.”




“I’m not mad at you. I’m upset that you’re hurting.”


“But I failed—”


“You didn’t fail. It’s not a straight line. You’re going to have bad days. That’s okay.”


“But this—”


“I’m going to call Yosano after we clean up so we can gets your meds sorted out. This is happening because of your meds. I’m sure of it.”




Atsushi pulled Jun to his feet. “You said that you didn’t feel right, right?”




“It’s probably your medication.”


“But it’s supposed to help,” he said, hopping up on the counter.


“Your other meds didn’t help.”


Jun stared at the floor, letting Atsushi press a wet cloth to his injured arm. “I guess…”


“You’re not failing. I promise.”


“Feels li…”


“Hmm?” Atsushi glanced up to find Jun staring at his bare arm, colour draining from his face. “Don’t look at it.”




Atsushi snapped in front of his face, causing Jun to stare at him, panting. “Look over there.”




“Breathe, Jun,” he reminded, pressing a bandage to his arm. They weren’t as severe as the ones from when he attempted, but they still had larger bandages, which would cover them all. He sealed the edges down and glanced up as he reached for a roll of bandages. He shook again and his lips had turned the same pallor as his skin. “You feeling okay? Nauseous?”


Jun swallowed hard, nodding.


“Need me to stop for a minute?”


Another nod.


“Okay.” He rinsed a separate cloth and draped it over the back of his friend’s neck. “Uh, did you see the group chat earlier?”


“No.” Even his voice sounded spacey.


“Well it was a mix of my boyfriend being an ass and Kyouka and Elise bullying Kenji. And Kunikida being infuriated with Dazai, as usual. It was pretty entertaining.”




Atsushi rubbed his back gently, waiting for his colour to come back. “Tachi also apparently offended Lucy by calling her American so that was funny.”


“It’s stupid that I get… like this… when I did it… to myself…”


“No, it’s not.”


Jun clenched his eyes shut. “Stupid.”


“Are you gunna throw up?”


He paused, then nodded and hopped off the counter. Atsushi turned away, immediately filling a cup from beside the sink when he started heaving. Then, in hopes of preventing it from worsening, he mopped up the blood from the floor with another cloth.


“Here,” said Atsushi, handing him the glass of water.




He pulled Jun to his feet and unravelled the bandages, coiling them around his arm. “You’re still shaking.”




“Don’t be. Are you still shaken?”


He nodded. “Scared. I don’t know, Atsushi.”


“That’s okay.”


“I don’t know what’s happening anymore,” he breathed.


“We’re all done. It’s done.”


Jun let out a shuddering breath. “Okay. Thank you.”


“Of course. One question.”




“How’d you do this by yourself before?”


“I didn’t. Couldn’t. Just left it.”




Jun shrugged.


Atsushi decided not to press anymore. He was still spacey and struggling to get out coherent sentences. Even now that they were done, his colour still hadn’t really come back, either. “Let’s go to the living room, okay?”




Tugging his good arm, Atsushi led Jun to the couch, where the red-head curled up against the arm. Atsushi sat down next to him and pulled out his phone, dialling Yosano’s number.


It rang, and rang again, and then the line crackled. “Hello?”


“Hey, Yosano.”


“What’s up, Atsushi? Everything okay?”


He glanced next to him at Jun, who seemed to be muttering something to himself. “Uh… no. I need you to come over.”




“I need you to come see Junichiro. Right now. He uh…” He caught Jun curling in on himself more out of the corner of his eye and rested a hand on his knee. “He had… we have a situation. Whatever this medication is is making it worse for him.”


“Did he cut again? Is that why you say that?”




“That can happen sometimes when people are recovering, Atsushi.”


“That wasn’t it, though.”


She paused, and he could hear chatter in the background before she replied in a soft voice. “Did he make another attempt?”




“I’m coming right now.”






“Why are the meds doing this?”


“Some medications, if they aren’t the right fit for someone, can have nasty side-effects. And sometimes that makes people have urgent suicidal thoughts. And with people such as Jun, who already have suicidal tendencies…”


“Why didn’t this happen to Dazai?”


She sighed. “With Dazai I avoided the class of drugs his father had been on. So it was pretty easy to narrow it down. We had a bit of an issue with his dosing, but he didn’t have any side effects like this.”


“Can we fix it for Jun?”


“Absolutely. Just need to make some adjustments.”




“He’ll be okay, Atsushi. What’s his mental state like right now?”


Atsushi watched him shaking. How his breaths burst in and out. “He’s having a panic attack.”


“You know how to handle that, right?”




“Okay. Keep in contact with him and do your best to calm him down. I’ll be there soon.”


“Okay. Thanks, Yosano-sensei.”


“Hang in there.”


The line went dead and Atsushi set his phone down beside him, turning to the boy next to him. “Junichiro?”




“Are you having a panic attack?”




“Do you want to lay down?”




“Alright.” Atsushi shuffled closer to the other end of the couch, then tugged on his shoulder. “Come here.”


“’S fine.”


“It’s okay. Just lay down.”


Relenting, Jun laid down, his head resting in Atsushi’s lap. He looked up at him, then closed his eyes with a shudder. “It’s all white.”


“Black spots?”




Atsushi frowned, then brough a hand up to the boy’s forehead and smoothed his hair back. “Just breathe.”


He opened his eyes again, looking up at him. “You don’t have to.”


“Naomi does this, right?”




“And it helps, right?”




“Then why would I have a problem with this?” Jun closed his eyes again, letting Atsushi run his hand through his hair. “Just focus on your breathing. That’s all I want you to worry about.”


He let out a long breath. “Thank you, Atsushi.”


A sad smile graced his lips. “You have no need to thank me.”


By the time Yosano got there, Junichiro was almost asleep, breathing nearly evenly. His head was still in Atsushi’s lap and she watched him smooth the red strands back off his forehead from around the corner. Yosano couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. Their friendship was so strong, and she felt thankful that Junichiro had someone like that in his life.


It was refreshing to see to men have an intimate friendship without caring about the stigma. Because fuck that. This was how it should be. Healthy.

Chapter Text


One Collective Braincell


Monday, 7:00 pm


Thoushaltshutup: Hey guys—needed to let you know that tomorrow’s entrance exam for Lucy needs to be altered


HamsterChow: what? Why?


UpforStabs: why?


Thoushaltshutup: Junichiro won’t be able to come with us to use his ability, so we need to come up with something else


Stopsignsgobrr: why can’t he come with us…?


ElectricBoogaloo: what happened


HorrorWhore: is he okay?


Thoushaltshutup: he’s okay now, don’t worry


Stopsignsgobrr: did something happen?


Thoushaltshutup: its not something we need to get into right now


Stopsignsgobrr: but if something didn’t happen why cant he come with us


Notatanizaki: he’s okay Kenji-kun. Promise 💖


Stopsignsgobrr: okay…


Thoushaltshutup: you can talk to him about it another time honey, just not rn


Stopsignsgobrr: okay


HamsterChow: so that gets rid of our plan then


ElectricBoogaloo: we could force her to use Anne’s room to save someone?


HorrorWhore: that’s a good option


CATana: wait wait what happened to Junichiro?


Thoushaltshutup: lets just say that his mental health is not in a good place to be coming with us tomorrow


UpforStabs: he’ll be okay tho, right?


Notatanizaki: he’ll be okay. It was just a bad day, that’s all.


ElectricBoogaloo: where’s Atsushi?


Notatanizaki: he’s still here


HamsterChow: doesn’t he normally leave when u get home Naomi?


Notatanizaki: well normally yes…


HamsterChow: then why not today?


Notatanizaki: he flat out refused.


ElectricBoogaloo: so hes scared then


Notatanizaki: yes


Stopsignsgobrr: I knew something bad happened…


Notatanizaki: im cooking dinner rn. Jun’s w Atsushi right now and Yosano’s gone to get something


UpforStabs: Yosano stayed too??


Notatanizaki: yes


CATana: I assume this episode was worse than normal?


Thoushaltshutup: Junichiro was in crisis today. But he’s doing better right now, so there’s no need to worry


Stopsignsgobrr: oh thank god for Atsushi


Notatanizaki: its not a good idea to say that to him tho


Stopsigngobrr: why?


Notatanizaki: hes pretty torn up over it. Thinks its his fault. He thought I was gunna beat him.


HamsterChow: why??


Notatanizaki: he left for like fifteen mins to get something for them to eat. Groceries. And when he came back…


ElectricBoogaloo: this poor kid just cant catch a break can he


Thoushaltshutup: a lot of us cant seem to lately


HorrorWhore: well I hope he feels better soon, he seems really nice


UpforStabs: he is. Doesn’t deserve any of this


Thoushaltshutup: do any of us really?


Stopsignsgobrr: yes


ElectricBoogaloo: yes


HamsterChow: maybe?


Thoushaltshutup: NO


Thoushaltshutup: you guys r killing me


ElectricBoogaloo: uno reverse card??


Thoushaltshutup: no.


HamsterChow: go watch a movie with your boyfriend


ElectricBoogaloo: we need to make an entrance exam


Shithead: well whatever it ends up being, if we plan to use Lucy’s ability, you cant be there dummy


ElectricBoogaloo: true


HamsterChow: wow I never thought of that


Shithead: its not ur fault im a genius


HorrorWhore: literally shut up


Shithead: rude


HorrorWhore: oh well


UpforStabs: wait I have an idea


UpforStabs: and I think you guys are gunna like it






7:15 pm


EmoAsthmatic: Atsushi im so sorry my phone died while I was out on a mission


EmoAsthmatic: im so sorry


EmoAsthmatic: are you okay??


EmoAsthmatic: is he okay??


EmoAsthmatic: are you okay????


NotmyNeko: not really no


NotmyNeko: I mean he’s fine. Sleeping.


NotmyNeko: but im not


EmoAsthmatic: im sorry I wasn’t there


NotmyNeko: its okay, you were at work and its not like u could be here anyway


EmoAsthmatic: I guess but I still feel bad


NotmyNeko: don’t


NotmyNeko: its my own fault anyway I shouldn’t have left


EmoAsthmatic: he was okay as far as u could tell, its not your fault


NotmyNeko: the whole point of me being here is to just keep an eye and support him and I fucking left and look what happened! If id been here I would’ve caught him before it got to that point


NotmyNeko: I cant do it again Ryuu I cant


EmoAsthmatic: u wont have to. U said yosanos there fiing his meds?


NotmyNeko: yeah she just went to go and get them for him


EmoAsthmatic: see? He’ll get better. These ones will work


NotmyNeko: what if they don’t?? what if they don’t and he keeps suffering??


NotmyNeko: I cant watch him try again Ryuu I really cant deal with that im at my breaking point right now but I cant let him see that


EmoAsthmatic: he’s going to get better. I promise. I mean look at Dazai. He’s improving. Jun just needs the right meds.


NotmyNeko: ik… ik but its so hard for me and Naomi both to watch.


NotmyNeko: and she wasn’t even here bc she has exams this weeks she wasn’t able to just come home and I thought she was gunna pummel me


EmoAsthmatic: she didn’t bc its not your fault


NotmyNeko: but it feels like it is


EmoAsthmatic: remember what I told you the last time? Youre not responsible for the cut of someone else’s knife. If he really wanted to he’d do it. He’s trying, Atsushi. And when he slipped you got there in time. It’s okay


NotmyNeko: nothing feels okay


EmoAsthmatic: im sorry youre going through this


NotmyNeko: not your fault


EmoAsthmatic: and its not YOUR fault


NotmyNeko: yeah well…


EmoAsthmatic: weren’t u supposed to help w Lucy’s exam tmo


NotmyNeko: im not going. Im staying right here.


EmoAsthmatic: I figured that’s what u would say.


NotmyNeko: im scared


EmoAsthmatic: I know


NotmyNeko: I really need a hug right now


EmoAsthmatic: virtual hugs will have to do


NotmyNeko: they don’t, but ill take what I can get


EmoAsthmatic: do u guys need anything?


NotmyNeko: no, Yosano’s getting meds and Naomi’s just finished dinner. I have to wake Jun now, gtg


EmoAsthmatic: okay. I love you


NotmyNeko: I love you too




Hiss, Hiss, I’m a Lizard, Bitch


8:00 pm


Sugardaddy: Hey chuckleheads


GremlinwaKnife: yeah?


Bandades_and_Babes: what is it gramps


Sugardaddy: first of all, one day I will be the one to kill you


Sugardaddy: second of all, we have a new mission for tmo


GremlinwaKNife: we do? What happened to the other one?


Sugardaddy: post-poned


Bandades_and_Babes: okay… so what do we have now


Sugardaddy: well, its certainly an interesting one.


GremlinwaKnife: if its interesting the way Tachi says his dick is interesting I want no part in it


Bandades_and_Babes: well fuck u too


GremlinwaKnife: the only interesting part was how it could be in Guiness world records


Bandades_and_Babes: well thank you


GremlinwaKnife: 🦐


Bandades_and_Babes: CMON GIN


GremlinwaKnife: 😂


Sugardaddy: okay okay enough about this mans penis I don’t wanna know


Bandades_and_Babes: u sure sugar daddy?


Sugardaddy: id rather use my ability on myself


GremlinwaKnife: oof


Bandades_and_Babes: welp knife chest I guess


GremlinwaKnife: 🤦🏻‍♀️


Sugardaddy: ANYWAY


Sugardaddy: you 2 I swear to god ur gunna give me an aneurism


GremlinwaKnife: good


Sugardaddy: of for fucks sake


GremlinwaKnife: lolol


Bandades_and_Babes: whats the mission


Sugardaddy: I think you’ll both really enjoy this one


Sugardaddy: here goes






7:20 pm


UpforStabs: hey


Stopsignsgobrr: hi


UpforStabs: can I ask u something?


Stopsignsgobrr: of course


UpforStabs: are you okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: huh? Of course I am


UpforStabs: no really, I mean it. Are you okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: I’m fine, Ky, really


UpforStabs: idk u just said in the chat that some of u deserve it… and I know u don’t mean anyone else but yourself


Stopsignsgobrr: well a lot of what’s happened I had a part in, but its not really something you need to worry about


UpforStabs: that night when Jun tried you said some things that worried me, and now you say you deserve it again. Kenji, you don’t deserve anything bad okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: you know I can’t believe that


UpforStabs: how can I make you believe it?


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t think you can Kyouka


Upforstabs: but youre such a good person! You never meant for anyone to get hurt


Stopsignsgobrr: if I was such a good person would I have LET anyone get hurt? My job is to make other people happy and if I cant do that then im useless


UpforStabs: do you really think that little of yourself?


Stopsignsgobrr: little? Im just telling the truth. That’s what im supposed to do. Make everyone else happy and not miserable. Lift the burden not be one. U know?


Stopsignsgobrr: but I kinda of am being one by saying that bc now ur worried


UpforStabs: Kenji Im worried bc I care about you. And that doesn’t make you a burden.


Stopsignsgobrr: If you say so


UpforStabs: I do! Do you really think that?


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah but its really not a big deal, I promise!


UpforStabs hun that doesn’t put me at ease


Stopsignsgobrr: im okay Kyouka


UpforStabs: I hate seeing you hurting


Stopsignsgobrr: im not, im okay


Stopsignsgobrr: im just trying to take responsibility, that’s all


UpforStabs: there’s nothing to take responsibility for


Stopsignsgobrr: but there is


Stopsignsgobrr: I didn’t do enough


UpforStabs: that’s not your job. Youre your job


Stopsignsgobrr: I know and im taking care of it


UpforStabs: okay… u promise ur okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: im okay, Kyouka


UpforStabs: promise?


Stopsignsgobrr: I promise


UpforStabs: and you will come to me if youre not?


Stopsignsgobrr: of cours


Upforstabs: okay


Stopsignsgobrr: okay. Do you want to come over and watch a movie?


Upforstabs: how about I come help you with the garden?


Stopsignsgobrr: even better :)


UpforStabs: oh! I felt bad about what happened earlier so I went and picked up some Tempura Soba, I know its your favourite! My treat!


Stopsignsgobrr: oh


Stopsignsgobrr: thank you


UpforStabs: whats wrong?


Stopsignsgobrr: nothing! I was just about to make dinnerfor us is all, haha


UpforStabs: no need! I wanted to surprise you


Stopsignsgobrr: well im surpised


UpforStabs: good! I’ll see you in a few minutes im almost at my stop


Stopsignsgobrr: okay, see you soon!




Tuesday, 12:19 pm


“Where are we going?”


Ranpo glanced over his shoulder at the new recruit, pulling a lollipop from his mouth. “I dunno. Ask Kyouka!”


She narrowed her eyes. “Aren’t you the one I’m supposed to be paying attention to?”


He shrugged. “Yeah, but I have no idea where I’m going.”


“Don’t bother,” said Kyouka beside her, who walked hand in hand with Kenji. “He never knows.”


“That’s not true! I know sometimes!”


“You got lost on the main street downtown.”


“That was one time!”


“That was several times,” quipped Kenji.


Kyouka grinned at him, then turned to Lucy. “We’re going to a scene across the city to watch Ranpo.”


“Why are you two here then?”


“Because Ranpo can’t find his way by himself and I wasn’t gunna leave you alone with him.”


“Aw,” Ranpo whined. “What’s wrong with that?”


“You know exactly what’s wrong with that, Ranpo-san,” said Kenji.


“You two need to stop bullying your senior.”


“But it’s so easy!”


Lucy chuckled at Kyouka. “Okay so I’ve shadowed you Now Ranpo. When will I shadow Kenji?”


“You won’t.”


She glanced to Ranpo. “Why not?”


Kyouka held up hers and Kenji’s joined hands. “Because this one’s methods are a little absurd.”


He pulled his hand away, swatting at her, which she dodged with a laugh. “Kyouka-chan!”


She leaned in and pecked his cheek, then looped her arm through his. “I’m just teasing, Ken-chan.”


He rolled his eyes but couldn’t fight the smile from his face. Lucy smiled, too. The two of them were too cute—she’d have a fun time bugging Kyouka about it. “So this case isn’t like, classified, or anything?”


“You’re a member of the Agency, aren’t you?”


She watched Ranpo press the crossing button and stop on the curb. “Well, yes, but isn’t there some things I wouldn’t get to know?”






“Really! You’re in on it all.”


“On it all?”




“Isn’t that a lot to take on all at once?”


“It can be,” said Kenji, watching her with kind eyes. “But you get used to it. Everyone’s really supportive, especially when you first begin!”


“Yeah, but you’re younger and probably learn quicker than me…”


He rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t know how to use the phone or the computer. At all. I didn’t know what lights were and I didn’t know how to use any of the kitchen appliances in my dorm. I didn’t know how to use the transit system or how the traffic signals worked.”


Lucy blanked. “But… but you function just like everybody else?”


He shrugged. “I had to learn a lot and fast. But the agency all helped me! If I could do it, then I’m sure you can, too!”


A smile tugged at her lips. “You think so?”



Her smile widened and she felt bad for once imprisoning this sweet child in Anne’s room. He was so genuine. “Thank you, Kenji.”


“Alright, let’s go!”


Lucy turned back to see Ranpo started to cross the square along with a few dozen other people. This square was always crowded, which was why she’d originally chosen this square as her target back when she was in the Guild. Kyouka tugged Kenji across the street, chatting away about something she couldn’t hear over the chatting of the crowd around her. The crowd, the cars, the gunshots. Wait, gunshots?


Lucy whirled around, searching around her as bullets flew through the crowd. People screamed and rushed around as she caught a glimpse of a dozen men in black suits, as well as a familiar red-head firing off shots beside a girl with long, dark hair wielding two knives. Her eyes widened. Friendly fire? Why were they turning their backs on them? Did they know they were there?


Within seconds, the world swirled around her and the slowed, a pink glow emanating around her. She panted, slumped on her knees on the checked floor along with everybody else from the square that had been unarmed. A commotion roared around her, panicked voices and a few crying children. Lucy pushed herself to her feet and dusted off her clothes.


Looking out over the crowd, she saw Kenji, Kyouka, and Ranpo all sitting in the crowd, seeming unphased. On the other hand, as she stood over everyone else, they stared at her in fear. She cleared her throat. “Um… hi. I’m sorry to startle you all like this… but I needed to save you all from the bullets.”


“Where are we,” cried a woman from the crowd.


“This place is called Anne’s room. And I’m Lucy… an ability user. I know this is probably scary, but wouldn’t you rather this than be shot? You’ll be able to leave as soon as the shooters are gone.”


“We can leave,” asked a man in a dark suit.


She nodded. “Mhmm. I only brought you into this space to protect you. That room behind you leads to the outside world, and once you leave you won’t remember your time here. But I ask that you wait until the shooters are gone. You can check by peeking outside—they won’t see you.”


The people in the crowd looked around them, waiting for someone to rise. Finally, not a stranger but Kenji rose to his feet and peeked out the door. When he turned back to the crowd, he held a smile. “They’re gone.”


“Then you’re all free to go,” called Lucy. “I’m sorry for disrupting your day!”


Many of them called thank yous as they left, waving goodbye as they disappeared, leaving their memories behind. Soon it was only the Agency members left, who circled around Lucy. She let out a long breath, looking back up into Ranpo’s smiling face.






He laughed. “You’re officially a part of the Agency.”


“I… Wasn’t I before?”


“Not exactly,” said Kyouka. “You had to first pass an entrance exam.”


She deadpanned. “That was all a test?”




“So there’s no case?”




Lucy dragged a hand over her face, and then all four of them were standing back on the street among other pedestrians. “I should’ve known when I saw Gin and Tachihara attacking.”


“Damn right,” laughed Tachi, emerging from behind a pillar. “But we got ya, eh, Gin?”


The dark haired girl, peeked out from behind the same pillar and waved, seeming to smile behind her mask. “Yeah, we did.”


Lucy sighed. “I should’ve known.”


Gin shrugged. “How would you?”


“I guess.”




Lucy spun around, coming face to face with Fukuzawa and Dazai. “O-oh. Hi! Thank you!”


“Welcome to the Agency,” said Dazai, bowing his head.


“Thank you, Dazai-san.”


“Sorry we had to deceive you like this,” said Fukuzawa. “I hope you’ll forgive us.”


She nodded, unable to fight the smile from her face. “So, I’m a real part of the Agency now?”


He smiled at her beaming face. “Yes, Lucy-chan. You are.”


“Thank you.”


“You earned it.”


She spun to face Kyouka, her stepped forwards and hugged her, followed by Kenji and Ranpo. When she pulled back, she had tears of joy in her eyes. “I’m really a part of something now.”


Kyouka nodded. “You are. Welcome.”


“And to make it even better,” sang Ranpo. “There’s a party waiting for you back at the Agency!”


“You knew I’d pass?”


“Of course,” said Fukuzawa. “I’ve known since the first time you helped us by letting Atsushi out of the Moby Dick.”


She pursed her lips, nodding. “You all had faith in me.”


“Really, you should thank Atsushi,” Kyouka admitted. “He was always vouching for you.”


“I’ll have to thank him. Once again.”


“Now let’s go party!”


“Ranpo,” Fukuzawa chided. “We were having a moment.”


“In the middle of the sidewalk? Why would we do that when—ow!”


Kyouka covered a snicker with her hand as Kenji turned away like he hadn’t just smacked the detective. Gin laughed out loud while Fukuzawa bit back one of his own. “Well, I suppose it’s ruined now. Back to the Agency we go.”




Listen Up, Fuckers


1:00 pm


Shithead: Let’s welcome Lucy officially to the ADA!!




Ithinknot: thank you :))))


Thoushaltshutup: congragulations!!


EmoAsthmatic: Congrats


GeronimoStilton: congragulations Lucy-chan!


Noticemesenpai: aw we knew u could do it!


FRICKINLEMONS: want some lemons to celebrate?


Ithinknot: absolutely not


FRICKINLEMONS: why so mean to my lemons D:


GremlinwaKnife: no one wants your lemons


Noticemesenpai: we speak for all women when we say no one wants your lemons




Bandades_and_Babes: u act so surprised


FRICKINLEMONS: Of course! Who doesn’t want a smexy scientist


Thoushaltshutup: anyone with eyes


Noticemesenpai: 🤭


FRICKINLEMONS: why r u so mean to me


Thoushaltshutup: it’s a hobby




Shithead: good luck with that one shes stubborn


Thoushaltshutup: just bc I wont let u eat Doritos in bed


Shithead: duh


EmoAsthmatic: who tf eats Doritos in bed


CATana: @Legallydad


Legallydad: what?


Legallydad: oh fuck you Yukichi


CATana: not rn


Legallydad: ur infuriating


CATana: deal with it old man


Legallydad: UR OLDER THAN ME


CATana: and?


AngryChuuyaNoises: anyone else just hear the boss scream


FuckityFuck: yep


CATana: yep


Shithead: ??


Thoushaltshutup: ??


EmoAsthmatic: ??


GeronimoStilton: ??


CATana: u heard me


HamsterChow: yes that’s the problem


ElectricBoogaloo: so that’s why he never had a wife


CATana: ur this close 👌


ElectricBoogaloo: what do I nee to do to get the rest


CATana: breathe


ElectricBoogaloo: sweet im doing that rn


AngryChuuyaNoises: not once im there


Stopsignsgobrr: oKAY KEEP IT PG


Shithead: lol deep throating


Stopsigngobrr: I SAID PG


Shithead: and I said deep throating LOL


Stopsignsgobrr: im gunna choke him


Shithead: sorry buddy im not your girlfriend


UpforStabs: 👁. 👄. 👁


Stopsignsgobrr: why do u insist on tormenting me


Shithead: its funny to watch u squirm


Stopsignsgobrr: am not


ElectricBoogaloo: are too


Stopsignsgobrr: ur next


ElectricBoogaloo: go make out with your girlfriend


Stopsignsgobrr: fine since ur all so insistent I WILL


UpforStabs: wait what


NotmyNeko: 😑


HamsterChow: wait no that’s not what hes supposed to say


Bandades_and_Babes: HAHAHAHAHA




GeronimoStilton: well that backfired eh Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: lol look at him go


GeronimoStilton: ur unbelievable


Shadowbanned: stop meddling


AngryChuuyaNoises: DAZAI


ElectricBoogaloo: gunna punish me?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes and not in the way u want me to


Shithead: shit no longer deep throating


EmoAsthmatic: more like throat punching


GremlinwaKnife: I doubt it will do anything will all the cake hes stuffed down it


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHY DO U GET CAKE


GremlinwaKnife: Tachi and I helped with the exam so we were invited to the party


Bandades_and_Babes: sucks to be you


Noticemesenpai: I want cake


HamsterChow: speaking of cake… isn’t it Junichiro’s birthday today?


NotmyNeko: yeah it is


CatCrazy: I heard Kenji and Kyouka say they were gunna make a cake


CatCrazy: well Kyouka. She’s just taking over Kenji’s kitchen and wreaking havoc


NotmyNeko: sounds about right


GremlinwaKnife: @Ginge HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUMMY


Noticemesenpai: @Ginge Happy Birthday!!


Bandades_and_Babes: @Ginge Happs bro


AngryChuuyaNoises: @Ginge Happy Birthday Jun-kun


HamsterChow: @Ginge Happy Birthday Junichiro


Shithead: @Ginge HAPY AGING DAY 🎉


HorrorWhore: @Ginge Happy Birthday


Ithinknot: @Ginge Happy birthday!


ElectricBoogaloo: @Ginge Happy almost halfway to 40!


Legallydad: oi whats wrong w being 40


Legallydad: @Ginge Happy birthday


CATana: everything


CATana: @Ginge Happy Birthday son


Legallydad: you. Are. OLDER THAN ME.


CATana: meh


CatCrazy: @Ginge Happy birthday Juni!!


FuckityFuck: @Ginge Happy birthday lad


FRICKINLEMONS: @Ginge Happy birthday have some lemons


NotmyNeko: nO




FuckityFuck: give up




Shadowbanned: @Ginge Happy birthday bud!


GeronimoSilton: @Ginge Happy Birthday :)


Hermit: @Ginge Happy Birthday kid


NotmyNeko: hes asleep rn but Im sure he will appreciate it


HorrorWhore: wait did Kenji and Kyouka actually leave


ElectricBoogaloo: yes they really did


Shithead: he pulled her out of the office and down the hallway


NotmyNeko: oh for fucks sake


Thoushaltshutup: as long as theyre safe




Thoushaltshutup: you never know


HamsterChow: no I do know


ElectricBoogaloo: he had the unfortunate luck of seeing them


GremlinwaKNife: PFFT


AngryChuuyaNoises: good job


Shithead: better than walking in on u blowing Dazai


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh knock it off


FRICKINLEMONS: or Dazai dislocating his jaw


ElectricBoogaloo: NO WE DON’T SPEAK OF IT


HamsterChow: no id argue that was better actually


ElectricBoogaloo: for YOU


AngryChuuyaNoises: for all of us LOL


Shithead: PHAT COCK


AngryChuuyaNoises: u know it


ElectrciBoogaloo: CHIBI WTF


AngryChuuyaNoises: LOL


ElectricBoogaloo: is he fucking drunk??


Noticemesenpai: not yet


Bandades_and_Babes: yet being the keyword


Shadowbanned: thought the kid wanted u to keep it PG


Shithead: why should I if hes not


HamsterChow: what


NotmyNeko: excuse me


Thoushaltshutup: see I told u


Bandades_and_Babes: this is making me depressed tm


GremlinwaKnife: good


Shithead: lets just say he can take advantage of his ability


GremlinwaKnife: O.o


EmoAsthmatic: theyre not…




Legallydad: shut up u have done worse


Shithead: I—




Legallydad: was it an alley? Am I remembering right?




Legallydad: HOW DARE U


Thoushaltshutup: it cant be as bad as Dazai and Chuuya


ElectricBoogaloo: LOL


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh god


Shadowbanned: I once walked in on Ango at work


GeronimoStilton: MIZUKI


Shadowbanned: on the desk


GeronimoStilton: TSUJIMURA


Shadowbanned: LOL


GremlinwaKnife: ill stand in for Kyouka and say shes both seen and heard to much of ryuu and atsu


Ithinknot: CAFÉ. BATHROM.


EmoAsthmatic: im not sorry


Ithinknot: no of course youre not


NotmyNeko: Jun hardcore made fun of me for that


Ithinknot: I would’ve too


NotmyNeko: I know I know


Thoushaltshutup: theyre not actually going at it are they


HamsterChow: NO


HamsterChow: right Ranpo?


GremlinwaKnife: PFFT


Noticemesenpai: 🤦🏻‍♀️




Shithead: no theyre not lol dw


HamsterChow: phew


Thoushaltshutup: okay I didn’t think they were that stupid


Shithead: listen all I said is theyre not fucking




AngryChuuyaNoises: I think it might be THEM that needs to be censored


Shadowbanned: u guys stopppp


Shadowbanned: leave them be theyre young what were u like at their age in a relationship


GeronimoStilton: point taken


ElectricBoogaloo: fair enough


Noticemesenpai: okay that’s fair


Shithead: lol see u know exactly whats going on


Shadowbanned: 🤦🏻‍♀️


Shadowbanned; u ruined it


Shithead: that’s my job miss


Shadowbanned: well quit


Shithead: D:


NotmyNeko: pfft


Thoushaltshutup: well we’ve welcomed both Poe and Lucy, any one else we need to make an exam for


Hermit: yes actually




Hermit: Id like to yes


CATana: then theres no need for you to take an exam. You have already passed it once and have been helping us out since.


Hermit: You’re sure, President?


CATana: I’m positive


Hermit: well okay then. Is it okay if I start Monday?


CATana: see you at 9


Hermit: see you then




Hermit: Of course I did Doppo ur my best friend


GeronimoStilton: what am I chopped liver??




Hermit: but yes


GeronimoStilton: 😒


Shadowbanned; lol


GeronimoStilton: ur on thin fucking ice today


Shadowbanned: fucking ice? No I think it was wood


GeronimoStilton: get out of my office


Shadowbanned: PFFT


Bandades_and_Babes: geez no one wants to come here??


ElectricBoogaloo: no <3


Bandades_and_Babes: 🙄


AngryChuuyaNoises: fine then, we see how it is


GremlinwaKnife: they just cant deal with Kajii and Mori that’s all


GremlinwaKnife: and Tachi


HamsterChow: sure hats what it is


Bandades_and_Babes: HEY


GremlinwaKnife: 😂





2:00 pm


Notatanizaki: hey, im between classes and wanted to check in. howre u doing hun?


Ginge: fine


Notatanizaki: sorry, did I wake u?


Ginge: yeah but its okay


Notatanizaki: howre u feeling?


Ginge: im okay


Notatanizaki: beter than yesterday?


Ginge: marginally


Notatanizaki: ill be home soon, okay?


Ginge: mkay


Notatanizaki: I love you Juni


Ginge: I love you too, Naomi




2:10 pm


Atsushi and Yosano sat mindlessly in front of the TV, neither of them really paying attention to the shitty sitcom. It had been hours since they’d spoken more than simple yes or no questions, both absorbed in their own thoughts. But finally, when she couldn’t take it anymore, Yosano turned from her spot on the floor to face Atsushi.




He glanced up, startled from his daze. “Hmm? Yes?”


“Are you holding up okay?”


His face visibly fell. “Not particularly. I’m stressed is all.”


“I can understand that. Do you want to talk about it?”


“I… I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”


“Well, how do you feel?”


“Guilty. Sad. Scared.”




He shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the couch. “Yeah. Because I left.”


“That doesn’t mean you’re at fault. You were just doing him and Naomi a favour.”


“But if I hadn’t of left…”


“You can’t play the game of what-ifs,” said Yosano, smiling sadly. “It will only hurt you, Atsushi. The important thing was that you made it back in time.”


He swallowed hard. “I don’t know what I’d do if I was too late one time. I… I was all alone at the orphanage, Yosano. I never had friends. They all hated me. And I was ready for that to happen here, too. Or to at least not be very close to anyone.”


“But that’s not what happened.”


He shook his head, voice thick as he spoke. “No. And I got so lucky. I never thought I’d ever have such a good friend in my life. I never had parents, siblings, friends… I was all alone. But now I have a brother and a best friend in one person and the thought of losing him that way…” He swiped a tear from his cheek. “I just don’t know what to do, Yosano.”


“There’s nothing else you can do, Atsushi. Other than what you already have.”


He let out a shuddering breath. “I know.”


She smiled at him from across the small table. “I’m happy you guys have a close friendship. You both need it.”


“I know. But it hurts, at times like these.”


“I know.”


“It hurts, in my chest, and I don’t—”


He stopped as the bedroom door slid open and Junichiro stepped out, dressed in the same clothes as that morning when he’d first come out to eat. Neither Yosano nor Atsushi said anything as Jun approached them. He sat down on the couch next to Atsushi and pulled his legs up beside him. Atsushi lifted an arm and let him lean against him, resting his head on his shoulder.


“You okay?”


Jun said nothing, only shook his head.


Atsushi rubbed his arm. “Is there something you need?”


He shook his head again.


“Okay. You just want to stay like this for a while?”


He nodded.


Atsushi smiled sadly, wrapping his arm around him tightly. “Alright, Jun. That’s alright.”


Jun adjusted himself, turning his face down to stare blankly at the ground.


“A lot in your head right now?”


Another nod.


“Do you want to hurt yourself?”




“Okay. Well, thank you for coming to me.” Atsushi leant his head down against Jun’s, and he saw Yosano purse her lips. No doubt the pain showed in his eyes.


“We’re here if you need anything, Junichiro,” said Yosano.


“’M sorry.”


A pang hit Atsushi square in the chest. Somehow, he still felt bad about needing anything. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”


Jun turned his face more into Atsushi, like he was hiding.


Atsushi only rubbed his side, chewing on his bottom lip. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day.




Listen Up, Fuckers


7:00 pm


NotmyNeko sent an image (Taken presumably by Yosano, the photo is of Jun, Atsushi, Naomi, Kenji, and Kyouka. Jun sits in the middle on the couch, holding a cake made by Kenji and Kyouka. The rest of them all sit around him, smiling at the camera.


NotmyNeko: Happy Birthday Junichiro 💙

Chapter Text




Thursday, 8:00 am


Thoushaltshutup: Good morning! Are you sure you’re still okay to come back to the Agency today?


Ginge: Morning, Yosano-sensei. I’m sure.


Ginge: Besides I think being out of the dorm will be better for me anyway


Thoushaltshutup: You understand that you’re only on desk duty, correct?


Ginge: President Fukuzawa made that quite clear yes


Thoushaltshutup: Okay perfect


Thoushaltshutup: Howve u been feeling so far with these new meds


Ginge: So far just tired but we will see


Thoushaltshutup: for sure, it has only been a day or so


Ginge: yeah


Thoushaltshutup: regardless, if u need to take a break or anything, take it


Ginge: I will


Thoushaltshutup: And if your side-effects get worse, especially if you start to feel like you did on the last medication, tell me right away. Got it?


Ginge: Got it


Thoushaltshutup: Promise me, Junichiro


Ginge: I promise


Thoushaltshutup: Okay. Ill see you at the office


Ginge: Yep


Ginge: Thank you for everything


Thoushaltshutup: of course hun






Listen Up, Fuckers


11:00 am


Ginge sent a video (Atsushi seems to be hididng from someone, backing away, chanting “no” over and over again. Then he gets hit with a quick squirt of water and screams again. The camera pans to Dazai, who approaches Atsushi with a cat bottle, howling with laughter. Kunikida yells at him while he chases Atsushi, who runs around the desks, only to be caught in a hold by Kenji, allowing Dazai to scream, “bad kitty” repeatedly, squirting Atsushi. Kenji laughed so hard he nearly let go of Atsushi, Ranpo fell out of his chair and Lucy cheered Dazai on in the background).


Ginge: Its my first day back to work what the hell is this


GremlinwaKnife: idk but I want a part in it


EmoAsthmatic: lol furry


NotmyNeko: RYU


EmoAsthmatic: lol


HamsterChow: I need a drink


AngryChuuyaNoises: DAZAI


ElectricBoogaloo: WHAT


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHAT THE HELL


ElectricBoogaloo: LET ME HAVE SOME FUN


Shadowbanned: but why was that what you chose though


UpforStabs: bc he likes to find the thing that will piss the person off the most


NotmyNeko: I didn’t deserve that 😒


Stopsignsgobrr: Dazai do it again




Stopsignsgobrr: U HISSED AT ME


NotmyNeko: I WHAT


GeronimoStilton: good god


EmoAsthmatic: guess he needs some more rigorous training


ElectricBoogaloo: he what now


EmoAsthmatic: that’s for me to know and you to never find out


UpforStabs: he might if I have a say in it


EmoAsthmatic: nO—


NotmyNeko: DON’T U DARE


GremlinwaKNife: do I get a say in this?


EmoAsthmatic: no


NotmyNeko: absolutely not


Stopsignsgobrr: Kyouka what tf have u HEARD


UpforStabs: way way too much


ElectricBoogaloo: see im not the only exhibitionist here


AngryChuuyaNoises: say it again I dare you


ElectricBoogaloo: or what


Stopsignsgobrr: stOP


Shithead: no u have no rights for that anymore




Shithead: the moment u cross the PG line u lose the right


Stopsignsgobrr: WHAT HOW IS THAT A RULE


Ginge: it just is


UpforStabs: but we didn’t do anything


HamsterChow: pls I don’t wanna talk about it


UpforStabs: what do you know


Bandades_and_Babes: O.o


Shithead: hello its me u should be worried about


UpforStabs: well that’s obvious im worried about what he knows


HamsterChow: WDYM


UpforStabs: how and what do u know


Stopsignsgobrr: relax we did nothing wrong


ElectricBoogaloo: I mean its not really wrong regardless


CATana: if I find out what u did in my hallway




CATana: no u


AngryChuuyaNoises: what the actual fuck is wrong with our bosses


Noticemesenpai: I often wonder the same thing


Bandades_and_Babes: same


Noticemesenpai: u wanna go michizou


Bandades_and_Babes; yeah lets rumble


Noticemesenpai: fine meet me at high noon


Noticemesenpai: was that right Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: fucking fight me


Banadades_and_Babes: alright buckaroo u can join us


Ithinknot: pls at least use blanks like u did for my exam


Bandades_and_Babes: well duh


ElectricBoogaloo: WAIT WAIT WAIT


GeronimoStilton: what is it now


ElectricBoogaloo: if Kenji’s a cowboy…


Stopsignsgobrr: no


HamsterChow: I don’t like where this is going


Shithead: YES YES


ElectricBoogaloo: does that… does that make Kyouka… cowgirl




CatCrazy sent a video (Kenji whips a book across the room, hitting Dazai square in the face)


CatCrazy: this is why we cant have nice things


EmoAsthmatic: yeah sure that’s why


HorrorWhore: why is this place always so chaotic


Noticemesenpai: u haven’t seen nothing yet




Stopsignsgobrr: thank u thank u


ElectricBoogaloo: lil shit gave me a bloody nose


AngryChuuyaNoises: u deserved it


HamsterChow: ^


NotmyNeko: ^^


ElectricBoogaloo: well fuck all three of u then


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO


NotmyNeko: id take Chuuya over u


HamsterChow: I. AM. STRAIGHT.


CatCrazy: u sure?


HamsterChow: ????


EmoAsthmatic: now I have to worry about Chuuya too??


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️




Ginge: his… nipples??


Ginge: do my eyes deceive me


GremlinwaKnife: no he really said that


Ginge: right


NotmyNeko: well he doesn’t have tits to calm


Ginge u could’ve chosen any other body part and u chose nipples


NotmyNeko: fuck off


Ginge: no tf


FRICKINLEMONS: lol calm ur nipples


Ginge: it doesn’t even make sense


FRICKINLEMONS: YOU don’t make sense


Ginge: yes but we all KNOW that already


Stopsignsgobrr: how do u calm a nipple


Stopsignsgobrr: no wait how do you EXCITE a nipple


HamsterChow: Kenji no—


Stopsignsgobrr: sue me


Thouhaltshutup: well u get cold that’s how


Shithead: or someone licks it


Thoushaltshutup: Ranpo why must u be this way


Shithead: lol


Stopsignsgobrr: I thought that was only for girls


AngryChuuyaNoises: nah that’s not true at all


Stopsignsgobrr: the more u know I guess


Bandades_and_Babes: or u get a purple nurple!




Bandades_and_Babes: well then u have to calm it so technically im right


Ginge: technically ur a lot of things


Ginge: like a moron


Bandades_and_Babes: wow


GremlinwaKnife: hes got u there Michi 😂


Bandades_and_Babes: welp I guess ill just go fuck myself then


Stopsignsgobrr: have fun


Bandades_and_Babes: i—


Bandades_and_Babes: u know what kid I will


Stopsignsgobrr: good


UpforStabs: im so confused


NotmyNeko: yeah me too


Ginge: yeah same here


Thoushaltshutup: kenji hun u alright over there?


GremlinwaKnife: did Dazai hit u back with the book?


ElectricBoogaloo: WHAT? NO!


EmoAsthmatic: u would


ElectricBoogaloo: 😒


Stopsignsgobrr: im all good!


Noticemesenpai: idk about that he hurled a book at Dazai


Stopsignsgobrr: it was deserved


UpforStabs: ^


Noticemesenpai: pkay okay fair enough


Notatanizaki: guys guys guys


Ginge: yes?


CatCrazy: wsp?


Notatanizaki: okay so I just finished an exam and in the middle of it this guys just bashed his fists repeatedly on the desk and screamed “what the fuck” and I have never laughed so hard in my life


Ginge: me too bud


Noticemesenpai: HAHA RELATABLE


GeronimoStilton: oh god I remember that feeling


HamsterChow: I wish I *didn’t* remember that feeling


UpforStabs: didn’t he get in trouble??


Notatanizaki: no bc the teacher was laughing too hard she just waved him off and had to leave the room for a minute


NotmyNeko: @HamsterChow is this what you were like as a teacher?


HamsterChow: no


ElectricBoogaloo: he was a hard ass


HamsterChow: no I have a hard ass theres a difference


Stopsignsgobrr: what


Thoushaltshutup: u guys are traumatizing this poor kid


Stopsignsgobrr: a little late for that


Thoushaltshutup: I tried


Notatanizaki: I cant stop laughing. Ren and I have been waiting for our next exam just laughing bc the same guy is furiously flipping through notebook pages and screaming


Ginge: Ren Miyamura?


Notatanizaki: yep!


Ginge: tell her I say hi!


Notatanizaki: she says hello


Ginge: :)


CatCrazy: what exam do you have next?


Notatanizaki: English then Mathematics


CatCrazy: yikes


Notatanizaki: English is one of my better subjects so im not worried. But math…


HamsterChow: why didn’t you say something? I would’ve tutored you!


Notatanizaki: really??


HamsterChow: absolutely!


Notatanizaki: next term?


HamsterChow: sure


Notatanizaki: ur the best!!


UpforStabs: will u tutor me too…?


UpforStabs: and Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t think ill need it for mathematics


HamsterChow: what?


Stopsignsgobrr: im actually pretty good at math believe it or not


HamsterChow: oh well that’s great


Stopsignsgobrr: did u expect otherwise?


UpforStabs: a lot of people have trouble w math


Stopsignsgobrr: idk I just always found it easy


Ginge: I wish


Ginge: what r numbers


Ithinknot: my high school math teacher only made it more incomprehensible for me. Like I don’t care about polynomial equations and how many radians make up whatever I just don’t care!


NotmyNeko: whats a radian


Ithinknot: I thought u went to school


NotmyNeko: I did but it wasn’t anything more than basics


Ithinknot: that’s fair I took precalculus in high school


Ginge: didn’t you have to?


Ithinknot: no I chose to


Ginge: what the fuck why would u do that to yourself


Ithinknot: well I didn’t know when the Guild would go on a mission or how long id stay so I took higher level classes


Notatanizaki: how does your school system work???


Ithinknot: four classes a day, five days a week, all semester. Two exam periods. We have a set of clases we have to take every year, but by our fourth year the only requirement is English


Ginge: 4 years??


Ithinknot: yeah


Ithinknot: in Canada Kenji and Kyouka would be going to high school not middle school


Stopsignsgobrr: really??


Ithinknot: yeah grade 9 is high school there. Middle school is only 2 years, if you go to middle school. Most elementary schools go k-8 there and then 9-12 at high school


HamsterChow: wow okay that’s different


Ithinknot: I guess haha


Ithinknot: I never knew different until I made friends with the Americans in the Guild and then when I came here


NotmyNeko: that makes sense


UpforStabs: u know what doesn’t make sense


NotmyNeko: what




Thoushaltshutup: Tylenol?


UpforStabs: please 😭


Thoushaltshutup: come here


Noticemesenpai: girl tell me about it I think im dying


GremlinwaKnife: satans sacrificial waterfall


Notatanizaki: I prefer calling it sharkweek


HamsterChow: ur kidding


Ginge: shes not


HamsterChow: well then


Notatanizaki: well that’s what it is


Shadowbanned: shes not wrong


Ithinknot: id like to fight back against the shark but u know… I don’t wanna die


GremlinwaKnife: fight back? U mean lying on the floor bc it’s the only way that doesn’t hurt?


Ithinknot: yeah


GremlinwaKnife: thought so


Notatanizaki: and at school


CatCrazy: that was the worst!!


NotmyNeko: ive never been more glad to be a guy


ElectricBoogaloo: too bad u go into heat


NotmyNeko: Dazai-san 😭


EmoAathmatic: if I was a female id die


Noticemesenpai: okay but…


EmoAsthmatic: Kenji im gunna kill u


Stopsignsgobrr: bet


EmoAsthmatic: no that’s not what u were suppose to say


Stopsignsgobrr: too bad try me


EmoAsthmatic: no??


AngryChuuyaNoises: imagine if we bled out our dicks every month


Shithead: I love how every guy in the office just crossed his legs


Stopsignsgobrr: IT WOULD HURT




Ginge: the one place id rather NOT bleed from


ElectricBoogaloo: im with u on that one


Stopsignsgobrr: ^^


Hermit: why are we talking about the sacred blood


Noticemesenpai: the what now 😂


Hermit: the sacred blood tm


Shadowbanned: at least he’s respectful


HorrorWhore: for now


Hermit: I am respectful to the ladies thank you


GremlinwaKnife: are you though


EmoAsthmatic: yes id like to know too


Hermit: im too young to die 😭


Bandades_and_Babes: guess im not looking to bad now eh Ryuu


EmoAsthmatic: don’t test me Tachihara


Bandades_and_Babes: noted


NotmyNeko: relax babe


EmoAsthmatic: u gunna relax next time u see Kenji w his hands on ur sister?


NotmyNeko: im gunna ignore that comment for the sake of my sanity and her happiness


ElectricBoogaloo: so grown up!

ElecricBoogaloo: kill him


NotmyNeko: WHAT?? NO!!

AngryChuuyaNoises: 🤦🏽‍♂️


AngryChuuyaNoises: what is WRONG w u


ElectricBoogaloo: I miss the chibi


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh ffs fine im coming by for lunch


ElectricBoogaloo: mkay :)


UpforStabs sent an image [a small pile of chocolate bars sits on her desk]


UpforStabs: Okay most of u have gone for lunch so fess up, who left these on my desk


Stopsignsgobrr: I thought maybe you would want some chocolate 👉 👈


UpforStabs: youre sweet like chocolate 😘


Noticemesenpai: AWW


Bandades_and_Babes: wHiPpEd


Shadowbanned: shut up its cute!


Stopsignsgobrr: shes cute


Bandades_and_Babes: see!!


Thoushaltshutup: theyre so precious im gunna cry


Stopsignsgobrr: nooo


Thoushaltshutup: no honey im just happy


Stopsignsgobrr: oh okay :)


UpforStabs: at least ur good at math


Stopsignsgobrr: and to think I bought u chocolate 😢


UpforStabs: im teasing Ken-chan


UpforStabs: thank you for the chocolates ❤️


Stopsignsgobrr: ❤️


CatCrazy: aww I want what they have


HamsterChow: D:

Chapter Text

Shh, Secret Stuff


Friday: 6:15 pm


NotmyNeko: is everyone at the venue?


GremlinwaKnife: no


NotmyNeko: NOT YOU


GremlinwaKnife: that’s discrimination


NotmyNeko: so be it


Thoushaltshutup: shut the fuck up


Shithead: im here


NotmyNeko: yes but I doubt youre helping


HamsterChow: hes not


NotmyNeko: 🙄


FRICKINLEMONS: I still don’t understand why I couldn’t use lemons for decorations




FRICKINLEMONS: nah they just look cool


Thoushaltshutup: no they don’t


FRICKINLEMONS: how dare you


Thoushaltshutup: easily


Stopsignsgobrr: stop youre provoking him


Thoushaltshutup: good >:)


GremlinwaKNife: NO


Notatanizaki: what r u telling Jun to get him here??


NotmyNeko: good question


Stopsignsgobrr: how do you plan to get him here without an idea


NotmyNeko: hush im working on it


Notatanizaki: right


Noticemesenpai: u dummy!


GremlinwaKife: I agree


NotmyNeko: how r u gunna get tachi there then Gin huh??


GremlinwaKnife: telling him we’re going to the club, my treat


NotmyNeko: that’s it


GremlinwaKnife: yes


Noticemesenpai: pls the guys in love with her he’ll do whatever she asks


GremlinwaKnife: shut up Higuchi


Noticemesenpai: OH CMON


Stopsignsgobrr: rip


Thoushaltshutup: Ranpo when I get there u better not be on a table


HamsterChow: too late


AngryChuuyaNoises: pls be quick we cant control him




Notatanizaki: oh ffs


NotmyNeko: howre the decorations looking Chuuya? Naomi?


AngryChuuyaNoises: 👌


Notatanizaki: good! Chuuya has good taste in everything but men!


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😒


Noticemesenpai: 🤭


Shithead: someone come coral Chuuya to stop attempting to beat Kunikida


NotmyNeko: pls theyre not even drunk yet 😭


GremlinwaKnife: how about the food?


FRICKINLEMONS: the kid and I took care of it


HamsterChow: Kenji laid it all out already


NotmyNeko: Yosano, u did invite everyone right?


Thoushaltshutup: fuck I knew there was something I forgot to do


NotmyNeko: YOSANO


Thoushaltshutup: IM KIDDING IK KIDDING 🤣


NotmyNeko: that’s not funny!!


Stopsignsgobrr: it’s a little funny


GremlinwaKnife: ^^


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽♂️




Booming voices bounced off the walls of the Tanizaki’s living room until quarter to seven. With Junichiro kicking Atsushi’s ass at Mario Kart, the two spent the better part of the evening shoving and trash talking each other while Peach routinely was bested by Yoshi.


Junichiro leaned against the back of the couch with his hands behind his head, a shit-eating grin on his face. “How many is that now? Five?”


“Shut up.”


He laughed, setting the controller down beside him. “So what was it you said you had to do at seven?”


“Actually, it involves you.”




“No the other you.”


Jun rolled his eyes. “Why does it involve me?”


“Uh…” He glanced around the room, the ticking of the clock on the wall nagging at him. “It’s a surprise.”


“A surprise?”


“Oh, don’t look so skeptical! It’s nothing bad.”


“Okay… do I need to change or anything?”


“We both do, considering I’m wearing pajama pants.”


Jun shook his head, standing from his cross-legged position on the couch. “Okay, change and come back. I’ll drive.”


“Okay, but once we get to a lot you have to close your eyes!”


“For fucks sake, why?”


“You just do!”


Jun eyed him as he backed towards the bedroom. “I’m onto you, Nakajima.”


Atsushi only laughed and headed upstairs.




Fifteen minutes later a pair of car doors slammed and Junichiro, much to his dismay, allowed Atsushi to guide him forward. A hand on his shoulder wasn’t the best method and he nearly stumbled into a light post more than once, causing Atsushi to laugh and apologize at the same time.


As they neared their destination, judging by Atsushi’s slowed pace, another pair of people approached them. One of them grumbled, and then spoke up enough for him to hear. “For shit’s sake, Gin, quit dragging me we’re not in a ru—Atsushi?”


The hand on Jun’s shoulder dropped. “Hey, Tachi.”


“Why are his eyes closed…”


“It’s a surprise.”


“For him or for me? Ow!” Judging by the slap he’d heard, he assumed Gin had slapped him.


“For you both actually,” Atsushi admitted.


“What? A double date?”


“You wouldn’t be saying that if my girlfriend were here,” said Junichiro, quirking his head.


“Yeah, yeah.”


“As if I’d go on a date with him,” laughed Gin. “Don’t be stupid.”


“You really are so mean to me,” Tachi whined.


“Uh huh.”


“Jun,” said Atsushi, the hand back on his shoulder. “Come this way.”


He followed the direction until halted by a yank on his arm. “Can I open my eyes now?”


“Uh… Gin, Tachi, ae you ready?”


“Ready for what?” Tachi asked, stepping up beside Jun.


“For this. Open your eyes, Jun.”


A frosted glass door appeared in front of him, surrounded by red bricks. He turned to Atsushi. “Where are we? What is this?”


“Open the door,” said Gin, grinning.




He pushed the door open, stepping together with Tachi into the darkness beyond. Tachihara stiffened beside him. “There are people in—”




Junichiro stumbled backwards into Atsushi, while Tachi froze in place, jaw slack. They both stared around the now illuminated room, a club, and all of their friends climbing out of their hiding places. The two turned to each other, their faces breaking into smiles as they began to laugh.


Still laughing, Jun turned to the rest of the room. “Thank you guys. You really got me.”


“Yeah, me too! I had no idea. Thank you.”


“You like it?” Kenji piped up, popping up from behind a table.


Junichiro nodded. “I do.” Kenji turned to Tachi, who gave him a thumbs up. “Who set this up?”


“Chuuya did,” said Kunikida, leaning against the nearest wall. “But it was all Gin and Atsushi’s idea, so you should thank them.”


Wide smiles adorned their faces as they turned to the two, thanking them for their thoughtful actions.


Around the room, speakers crackled to life and began blaring music, the lights at the bar turning on and multi-colored flashing lights decorated the dance floor. Fancy foil balloons bounced against the club’s back wall, a glowing paint allowing them to be seen in the black light. The rest of the space around them covered in normal balloons of various neon colours. Coloured lights surrounded the edges of the bar and surrounding tables and hung from the wall at the back of the dance floor. They were strung across the ceiling and tethered to clear balloons, inside of which were more lights. Chuuya and Naomi had really outdone themselves.


A head of blond hair came bounding towards them, the open flannel shirt he wore blowing out behind him. “Jun!”


“Hi, Kenji-kun,” he replied, returning the fierce hug he’d received.


Kenji tugged on his arm. “Come dance with us!”


“Uh okay.” He stumbled forward with the force of Kenji’s grip, following him out onto the dance floor. The pair met up with Yosano, already holding a glass of wine in her hand as she swayed to the music.


Atsushi laughed, turning his attention to the man coming towards him. Akutagawa pulled him in by the waist and pressed his lips to Atsushi’s, waiting for a minute before breaking the kiss. “Hey, Ryuu.”


“Thought you’d never get here, Jinko.”


“I had to try and time it with Gin.”


Akutagawa glanced over to his siter, standing beside Tachi. “And what took you so long?”


“We were here at seven!”




“Oh whatever,” she huffed. “Sorry you had to wait to make out with your boyfriend.”


“You should be,” he quipped, wrapping an arm around Atsushi and guiding them to the dance floor.


Tachi turned to Gin and held out a hand. “And will you dance with me tonight?”


“Hmm, I dunno.”


“Oh, stop teasing me. Come dance.”


“But what if you step on my feet?”


He gave her a look. “You’ve danced with me before!”


“Yeah and look how that ended up.”


He groaned, tilting his head back, then offered his hand again. “Please, Gin. Dance with me.”


“If you’re so insistent,” she sighed, but the smirk in her eyes gave her away. She loved every move he tried to make on her, despite being unsure of how to move forward. Being pursued—being wanted—was an amazing feeling. She relished in it as they hit the checkered floor, coloured dots passing over their faces and sparkling in their eyes.


One song morphed into another into another, yet the two of them remained n motion on the floor. People came and went around them, other couples danced alongside them, but which couples they were neither of them knew. They were too caught up in each other, too wound up in their own little world they created with every second they danced. Music was powerful that way.


The smell of his cologne filled Gin’s nose and carried her thoughts away with the quickening pace of the music. Her eyes never left Tachihara’s and despite the blood pumping in her ears she didn’t feel the least bit uncomfortable. Not with the eye contact, nor the physical contact or proximity of their bodies. She simply enjoyed the sensation, letting herself get lost in the moment, in the music, in him. It didn’t take long—she knew it wouldn’t. Not when it was him. The way he looked at her, the way he spoke, the way he moved… It was all so distracting that she found herself paying attention to him when she shouldn’t be. But now he could have her undivided attention under the pretense of dancing with him for the sake of his birthday, and he’d never be the wiser.


Except her plan was backfiring on her. The more time they spent together, the harder she found it to resist him.


On the other hand, Tachihara relished in every single second he got to spend with her. Whatever this was between them, this nearly tangible emotion, he doubted she’d ever act on it. That he’d ever receive the affection he longed to freely give to her. It overwhelmed him how much he felt for her and he’d swear on his own life that he hadn’t felt an emotion so intense since the death of his older brother. Of course, then it had been devastation. But this… elation he felt in her presence rivaled it in intensity. It nearly made him dizzy.


As the music slowed for the first slow dance of the night, Gin’s eyes didn’t stray from his. A blue light passed over her face and made her eyes sparkle. She was beautiful in every way and he subconsciously pulled her closer, fingers resting on the soft skin of her waist that wasn’t covered by the black crop-top she wore. She shivered under his touch, wrapping her arms around his neck. He could have a million moments like this… And it would never be enough.


With the first chorus coming up, many of the others had flooded the dance floor with their partners. Akutagawa had Atsushi by the waist, the only other couple that hadn’t left the floor since they’d gotten there. They talked to each other in soft voices, unable to wipe the smiles from their faces between the breathy laughs and kisses they traded. Nearby, Naomi had hauled Junichiro back onto the floor, the two of them swaying to the music with their foreheads leant together. She seemed to be speaking to him, but the hair hanging in her face obstructed the view of anyone around them.


Kenji returned to the floor with Kyouka in tow, the red corduroy of her dress almost matching that of his shirt. Whether they did it on purpose… no one was sure. What made it worse was that he wore a white t-shirt underneath and she a long-sleeved white top that was off her shoulders. The longer you looked at them, the more planned it seemed. But the two didn’t seem to mind, coming together seamlessly for a dance.


Kenji watched the lights pass over her face, watching her in wonder. The feeling had never disappeared—it still lingered when he watched her dancing right in front of him. She didn’t have to do anything special. Just look at him, or smile, or do even something mundane at the office. It was all the same to him, the same intense feeling in his chest. Absentmindedly, caught up in the moment, he wondered what the incomprehensible feeling was.


“You’re beautiful.”


She blinked at him, then looked away, a blush creeping onto her face. “It’s dark in here.”


“I don’t have to see you to now, Kyouka.” Though her head was tilted down the smile that creeped onto her face was obvious. He pressed a kiss to her head.


“This is our song, you know. From the cottage.”


He almost laughed. “You mean the one where I botched our first kiss.”


She grinned up at him, pulling him closer with the arms around his neck. “You could always try again.”


He leant forward and kissed her, smiling against her lips. Feeling her smile in response, he pulled back. “Like that?”


“Like that.”


Kenji pulled her closer and she leant her head against his chest. He rested his chin on top of her head and closed his eyes. If he was doing any of this right, he had no idea. But for the first time in a while, he was perfectly content.




“Hey, hey, come do karaoke with me!”


Half-smashed, Tachi turned to Kajii with a raised brow. “Come do what?”


“Karaoke, moron.”


“I can’t sing,” he replied, punching him in the arm.


“Woah, woah, don’t spill my drink! It was expensive!”


“They were free!”


“Oh yeah.”


“Man, you’re drunk,” Tachi laughed, taking Kajii’s drink and setting both of theirs down on the nearest table.


“So are you!”


“Not as much as you.”


“Chug your drink.”




“Chug your drink.”




“Because I dare you to.”


Tachi narrowed his eyes, picking up his glass. “Fine.”


Kajii watched him down the entire glass with a smirk plastered on his face which only widened when his friend shuddered and slammed the glass back onto the table. “Karaoke let’s go!!”


From across the room, Tsujimura narrowed her eyes as she watched two climb the stage over Yosano’s shoulder.


“What is it?”


She nodded in the guy’s direction. “What the hell are they doing?”


She chuckled, turning to lean against the bar. “I dunno but I bet it’s gunna be entertaining.”


She side-eyed Yosano. “You think so?”


“If it’s Tachi singing,” said Gin, approaching them. “It’s going to be more painful than entertaining.”


“he can’t be that bad,” said Yosano, leaning into her with her arm.


“Of trust me, it can be.”


“Cmonnnnn, he might be good!”


Gin turned to Tsujimura. “How much has she had to drink?”


“Too much.”


“Already?” The only response Gin received was Tsujimura pointing at Tachihara. “Fair. But they’re not the only ones who’re already gone. Look at your boss.”


“Hmm—Oh god. Not again.”




Tsujimura laughed as she watched Ango dancing with Higuchi, his hands all over her. And it was clear she was enjoying it from the way she kissed him. “As long as they keep their clothes on this time.”


Gin pulled her head back in horror. “Gah!”




“Wait wait, so when you walked in on him with some girl on the desk—”




“You’re sure?”




Gin covered her mouth with a hand, eyebrows nearly in her hairline. Giggles burst from her mouth before she could stop them. “Oh my god.”




Gin’s laughter got Yosano’s attention, and she turned from where she’d been watching Ango and Higuchi. “Look at ‘Guchi”


“Which one?” Tsujimura laughed.


Yosano squinted. “What?”


“Which one? Both of their last names have guchi in them.”


“Well they’re eating each other’s faces, s’does it matter?”


Gin only laughed harder, while Tsujimura glanced around. It would be no use to call Ranpo, who was equally drunk and dancing on a table across the room. Katai seemed to find it interesting and he watched as poor Poe desperately tried to get Ranpo down. Fukuzawa only glanced at him and decided it wasn’t his problem until it was his problem.


Instead she caught Kouyou’s eye from where she’d been seated between Mori and Fukuzawa and waved her over. She quickly excused herself, heels clacking over the floor as she approached. “What’s up?”


“Have you dealt with drunk Yosano?”


Gin dissolved into another fit of laughter at Yosano’s offended face and Kouyou merely chuckled. “Come, Akiko. Let’s go have a drink!”


“Oh, a drinking contest?”




Tsujimura’s eyes widened as they walked away. “No, no, she can’t give her more!”


“She’s not. She’s going to give her shots of water for a bit.”


“Won’t she notice the difference?”




“Man… she’s completely smashed.”


“Oh God… apparently so are my brother and his boyfriend. Look.”


Across the room, Akutagawa, Junichiro, Atsushi, Lucy, Haruno, and Kunikida sat on couches surrounding a small table. Most of them had drinks in their hands on in front of them on the table. Drunk off his ass, Atsushi leaned against Akutagawa, looked up at him with a smirk.






He didn’t get an answer in words, only a hand travelling up his chest. Longing fingers tugged at the man’s collar, the other hand snaking up under his black t-shirt. If he’d been sober, Atsushi would’ve promptly been shoved off. However, Akutagawa was just as drunk as Atsushi (thanks to Gin, once again) and bent down to connect their lips. Atsushi moaned into the kiss and Kunikida set his glad down a little too hard.


“Tanizaki, move between them, please.”


“Do I have to?”




With a sigh, Jun pulled Atsushi off his boyfriend and sat between the two. Atsushi outed, trying to climb back over Jun, who barked out a laugh. He hauled Atsushi back by the waist. “Now is not the time for heavy PDA!”


“Tell that to those two, I can see it coming.”


The group followed Haruno’s gaze to the next table over, where Dazai sat nursing some sake. Fresh off the dance floor, Chuuya glided across the room, catching the brunet’s attention from thirty feet away. Dazai set his drink down and sat up straighter, just in time for Chuuya to say something they couldn’t hear and climb onto Dazai’s lap. Clearly both drunk, neither stopped the other’s actions. Dazai pulled Chuuya further onto his lap, deepening their kiss. Though their words couldn’t be heard, the noises coming from Chuuya could be heard clear as day. Even Kenji and Kyouka all the way cross the room turned and stared.


Taking that as his sign, Dazai picked Chuuya up and carried him through a door at the back of the club, his lips never leaving Chuuya’s. No one would question the rest of the muffled noises heard from the back room. No one wanted to know.


Atsushi giggled from his seat and looked across to Akutagawa. “Hmm, sounds good to me, Ryuu.” Lucy smacked him from where she sat, but ti didn’t deter Atsushi from persuing Akutagawa. Akutagawa of course, only made it worse by using Rashoumon to pinch Atsushi’s ass when his arm couldn’t reach. That darkened something in Atsushi’s eyes, and he leant across Jun to kiss Akutagawa, who met him half way.


Junichiro flattened himself against the couch as much as he could , thoroughly disgusted with being in the middle of their make out session.


“Tanizaki, you were supposed to stop them,” chided Kunikida.


Jun shot him an incredulous look, then tried to squirm further down in his seat with a face that said, ‘why me?’ Fortunately for him, Naomi picked that moment to bounce over and wrap her arms around him from behind, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Come with me.”


“You don’t have to tell me twice.”


He pushed Atsushi and Akutagawa off for long enough to move, letting Kunikida deal with the pairs overtly sexual advances on each other.




The buffet became a hit a couple of hours into the party, the table swarmed with the majority of the group all at the same time. It seemed that Kenji and Kajii did a good job picking out the food, both the pizza and the sushi disappearing at an alarming rate.


Tsujimura sat down with a paper plate at a table with Poe, who was by himself. “Hi, we haven’t actually met yet.”


He covered his mouth for a second to swallow his sushi. “I’m Poe.”


“Tsujimura. Nice to finally meet you.”


“Ah, so you’re Tsujimura. I was wondering which one was you.”


“I don’t stand out with my hair?”


Poe chuckled, unable to decide if he was uncomfortable or enjoying himself. “Well, of course you do. But it’s not a bad thing for a beautiful woman such as yourself to stand out.”


“O-oh. Thank you.” She prompty stuffed a bite of pizza in her mouth, hoping to stop herself from saying something stupid. But she blushed regardless.


Poe seemed to not notice it, or ignore it at the very least. “It’s rather entertaining to watch everyone.”


She nodded. “For sure. Although, you didn’t seem too thrilled earlier when you were trying to get Ranpo-san off the table.”


He tilted his head in agreement. “He’s very drunk.”


“Have you had a drink yet?”


“One,” he said with a nod. “I’m not much for alcohol. I don’t enjoy being drunk.”




“I don’t like the way it makes my head feel.”


“You might be the only one here,” she laughed. “Aside from the kids.”


“I can agree to that.”


At a larger table across the room sat a good mix of the group. Atsushi, who’d sobered up a bit with his food, was engaged in a conversation with Ranpo across the table. Hirotsu but into the conversation now and then. The rest of them, namely Kenji, Kyouka, Gin, and Lucy, took to making fun of the others on the dance floor as they ate.


“Do you think Higuchi’s ever gunna stop trying to eat Ango?” Kyouka asked, munching on a chip.


Lucy snorted. “Nah. Not until she sobers up.”


“Even then.”




“Jun seems to be having fun at least,” Gin pointed out. They turned to watch Jun spin Naomi once and then twice before pulling her back to him. He smiled down at her, and for once it seemed genuine.


“He does, doesn’t he?”


Kenji nodded at Kyouka. “It’s good. I’m glad.”


“Me too.” She glanced over at him and the empty space in front of him on the table. “Did you eat?”


“I ate before I came. Don’t want to be falling asleep at a party.”


Kyouka rolled her eyes. “C’mon, at least eat something.”




She gave him a look and he swallowed hard. “Fine. But what?”


She slipped a slice of pizza from her plate onto his. “Have this.”


“I couldn’t take your—”


“Just eat it. Why are you fighting me on this?”


He stared at her, then around at the others watching him before quickly averting his eyes. “You just seem hungry and I don’t want to take your food is all.”


She chuckled, pushing some hair behind his ear. “I can always get more.”


A smile quirked his lips. “What are you doing?”


“You look good like that.”


He smiled wider. “If you say so.”


“Where’s Tachi?” Lucy asked.


Gin rolled her eyes, jabbing her thumb back over her shoulder. “Dancing with my half-cocked brother.”


“He was nearly full cocked earlier,” muttered Lucy, causing Atsushi to spit out his drink and yell at her. She only laughed in response. “Besides, weren’t you the one who got him drunk in the first place?”


“Yes, but I thought it would be funny, not scarring.”


“I’m sorry,” said Atsushi, putting his face in his hands.


“I can make it more scarring,” Rnpo offered.


Hirotsu pulled him down before he could fully stand up. “No.”


“I’m gunna go get another slice of pizza,” Kyouka announced. “Anybody want anything?”


“Another soda?”


“Sure Gin. Anyone else?”


“Water, if you don’t mind.”


She nodded at Hirotsu, then slipped out of her chair and left.


“Oh god, what is Kajii doing?”


They followed Kenji’s gaze across the room to where Kajii dragged Katai across the floor like a mop. “C’mon… Karaoke is fun!”


“But I don’t wanna karaoke you lemon maniac! Lemme go!”


Kajii’s maniacal laugh returned. “Never!”


At that moment, Kouyou’s heels clacked across the floor and her fist connected with the man’s face. Then she dragged him away by the ear, leaving a very confused Katai on the floor between pairs of dancers. At the commotion, they split up and changed, Tachi, Junichiro, and Ango all coming back to the tables. In the meantime, Yosano took up dancing with Higuchi, Naomi, and Akutagawa. Lucy only blinked at the odd group in confusion before tearing her eyes away as Kyouka handed Gin and Hirotsu their drinks.


But then, instead of sitting back into her chair, she sat herself right on Kenji’s lap. The way his eyes bugged out of his head would have been comical if not the obvious confusion he felt. That didn’t stop some of them from laughing to themselves though. Kenji locked eyes with Jun, who hid his laughter behind a hand as he tried not to spit out his drink.


When Haruno joined the dancing group, Kunikida headed over to join their group, standing beside Jun behind Hirotsu. He took in the look on Kenji’s face, the desperate plea for an answer almost making him snort. He had to turn away for a moment. Kyouka was, or at least feigned to be, completely oblivious to his confusion as the chatted away to Gin beside her. Ranpo snickered at him from where Kyouka couldn’t see him and Kenji scowled at him, shaking his head.


It didn’t take her long t finish her pizza, but even then she didn’t move. She’d sat nearly perfectly still and he couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t just sit in her own chair. Why… just… why?? Was she trying to draw attention to them or embarrass him or—


What could only be described as a squeak left his throat involuntarily when Kyouka started to dance along to a song with Gin and Lucy. The guys all turned their attention to him and Jun started coughing, choking on his water. Kunikida pounded on his back for a minute, the boy stuck between laughing and coughing.


Kyouka, still apparently oblivious to her boyfriend’s growing discomfort, continued her dance party with the girls. Atsushi’s head was on the table, his shoulders shaking with laughter, while Jun’s face was turned to hide behind Kunikida’s shoulder. Kenji looked up at him with wide eyes and mouthed ‘help me.’


Kunikida shook his head and he knew his superior was teasing him. They all were, god dammit. It was then that Ranpo caught his eye and pointed to the dance floor. Kenji raised his brows and Ranpo pointed more adamantly. On the floor were a very rumled looking Dazai and Chuuya, who danced very close together. Kenji narrowed his eyes, wondering what exactly Chuuya was doing to Dazai with his ass. Then he saw Tsujimura, who at that pointed was clearly blasted, doing the same to Katai, and it clicked.


Kenji’s eyes widened and he shook his head at Ranpo. ‘No.’


‘She’s doing it on purpose.’


He squinted at him, then tuned his attention to Kyouka, still pleasantly oblivious. She was, wasn’t she? She knew exactly what she was doing.


He wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned to whisper in her ear. “I know what you’re doing.”


She chuckled, whispering back so only he could here. “Want to dance?”


“Get off my lap and lets go.”


Grinning like a mad fool, Kyouka hopped down. Kenji took her by the hand and dragged her out onto the floor, hissing to Jun and Atsushi as he passed, “I hate you both.” The two only dissolved into more laughter.


“Okay,” said Kunikida, watching the young couple. “Who gave them alcohol?”


“It’s pheremonesssss,” drawled Yosano as she sidled up to Ranpo. He shook his head, stuffing a piece of pizza in her face.


Kunikida’s only response was a facepalm.




As it turns out, Higuchi was a very talented baker. The two cakes she brought in were both beautifully decorated and delicious. One chocolate and one vanilla, everyone dug into the decadent sugar-infused feast. Although if it could sober up Atsushi and Junichiro enough for them to stop fucking around like middle-schoolers on crack, then sobeit.


Everyone for the time being sat or stood at the bar where the cake was being served or at the tables right next to it. Higuchi stood with Haruno, the two of them having just cut the last slice for the time being. Haruno picked at a piece of chocolate cake with green lettering with her fork, listening to Higuchi prattle on about not realizing how drunk she’d been earlier that night. She could only chuckle. If only she remembered everything she’d done when she was drunk. At least I have pictures.


It was then that Tachihara and Junichiro approached the two of them with a glass of wine. The two women raised their brows. “What’s this for?” Higuchi asked.


Jun held it out to Haruno. “You’re the only one here of age who hasn’t had a drink. So here.”


“What? None for me?”


Tachi arched a brow at her. “Haven’t you had enough?” She narrowed her eyes at him.


“Here, Ichiyo, you can have it.”


“No, no, I’m just kidding. Go ahead, I’ve had more than enough for one night.”


“No, really,” Haruno insisted. “Have it. I don’t want it.”


“You don’t want it?” Jun asked, brows raised. “You never say no to a good drink.”


She shrugged. “I just don’t want it.”


“Why not?” Tachi pressed. “Are you feeing okay?”


“Yes, I’m fine.”


“Then why don’t you want it?”


“I just don’t.”




“Because I can’t have it!”


“Why not?”


“Because I’m pregnant!”


She stopped as soon as the words left her mouth, bringing both hands up to cover it. The rest of the room fell silent, all eyes turning to her. Everyone stared at her with raised brows and dropped jaws and the silence became so loud it pounded in her ears.


“What did you just say…?”


It had been Naomi that spoke, taking a step out of the crowd.





“That wasn’t nothing,” said Higuchi, eyeing her.


She gulped. “I said I can’t have a drink because… because I’m pregnant.”


She glanced around the room, the brought her eyes to the ground, hands subconsciously travelling to her stomach.


“You’re pregnant?” Yosano asked, having seemed to sober up real fast. “How long?”


“I don’t know exactly. Maybe a month?”


Standing not ten feet from the bar, Atsushi glanced up at Kunikida beside him, as did Kenji, Kyouka, Ranpo and Akutagawa. The man stood stock still, eyes glued to Haruno as his brain struggled to process the new information.


“Well, who’s the father?” Tsujimura asked, all smiles.


“It’s… I, uh…”


“Well come on,” Gin prodded. “Who is it?”


Haruno didn’t get the chance to answer. Kunikida stepped out of the crowd and crossed to her, grabbing her face and pressing a fierce kiss to her lips. She seemed to relax at his touch, the tension she’d held just seconds before leaving her body.


When he pulled back he kept her face in his hands, staring down at her with so much love it was nearly palpable. “You’re pregnant? I’m going to be a father?”


Tears welled in her eyes as a smile broke out on her face. “Mhmm.”


Then they were both crying, holding onto each other in the middle of their group of friends, who stood around them in various states of confusion.


Kunikida stroked her hair, his voice thick with tears when he choked out a few words. “I’m going to be a dad.”


“You are. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I didn’t want to ruin everything. You had everything all planned out, I—”


“Shh, don’t even worry about those.” He kissed the top of her head, tears falling into her hair. “Don’t worry about them at all. This is… this is amazing, Kirako.”


Her shoulders shook as she cried tears of joy and relief. They were gunna be okay.




As the party started to wind down the later it got into the night, the more of them had left hand in hand with their partner. While Naomi had pulled Haruno aside to talk to her, Jun wandered through the club on his own. While Gin and Lucy did a last round of terrible karaoke, Tachi clapped in the audience. Despite being completely plastered, he hadn’t got handsy with her. Actually, he’d gotten more sappy than anything. More than once Jun had heard him telling her how much she meant to him and how beautiful she was and then leaning his head on her shoulder. It was so unlike sober Tachihara that Jun had had to laugh.


Kyouka and Kenji sat on a couch at the back of the room, kissing as they waited for someone to take them home. Jun chuckled, remembering Kenji’s reaction from earlier in the night. He was learning, at the very least.


Ranpo had Yosano pressed up against a wall with his tongue nearly down her throat while Poe stood by pretending he couldn’t see or hear them. Unfortunately for him, Atsushi and Akutagawa were whispering to each other and laughing while blushing like mad fools just beside him. Poor guy couldn’t escape it. Ango and Higuchi seemed to be taking a lesson from Dazai and Chuuya, and he pulled her out of the club in a hurry. Absently he prayed Tsujimura wouldn’t end up finding them on a desk again.


As he continued through the venue his smile only grew wider. It had truly been a good night and he was so thankful that Atsushi and Gin had got Chuuya to set it up. And for everyone else that helped out and showed up. He’d had fun, really had fun, for the first time in a while. And he’d needed it.


Even though he’d bully Atsushi relentlessly in the days to come, he knew he’d have to sit down and actually thank him. For everything.


As he thought that, his gaze rose to find a sight that wouldn’t have been peculiar to him if not for the setting. He approached Kunikida, who sat at a tablenear the back of the club, scribbling furiously in his notebook. “Um… Kunikida-san?”


The man didn’t even look up. “Yes, Tanizaki?”


“What exactly are you doing.”


“I’m replanning the next ten years of my life!”


Jun opened his mouth, and found that no words immediately came to him. He closed his mouth again and pursed his lips. “Right…”


Best to walk away, he thought. Not that anywhere was safe from the weirdness at the moment, but he should leave Kunikida be. He had a lot of reorganizing to do.

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Saturday, 10:00 am


GremlinwaKnife: @NotmyNeko is my brother dead yet?


NotmyNeko: I knew it was you


HamsterChow: what did she do now?


NotmyNeko: got Ryuu drunk


EmoAsthmatic: Gin, I’m going to fucking kill you


GremlinwaKnife: u sure about that?


EmoAsthmatic: yes


NotmyNeko: not until u stop spewing in my bathroom


FuckityFuck: lovely


EmoAsthmatic: let me at her


Bandades_and_Babes: no


EmoAsthmatic: abort mission


NotmyNeko: yikes u really got him Gin


GremlinwaKnife: too bad hes a lightweight


FuckityFuck: just like Chuuya


Notatanizaki: omg he was so drunk


AngryChuyaNoises: I wasn’t that drunk


HamsterChow: do u even remember what happened last night


AngryChuuyaNoises: …yes…


HamsterChow: 🤦🏽‍♂️


GremlinwaKife: can u keep it in ur pants next time please


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh no


AngryChuuyaNoises: I thought that was just a fever dream


NotmyNeko: what u being all over Dazai in front of everyone or trying to strip while you sang karaoke


AngryChuuyaNoises: I WHAT


ElectricBoogaloo: its okay Chibi dw about it


AngryChuuyaNoises: just get back here with the advil already


ElectricBoogaloo: so needy Chibi


EmoAthmatic: so hes in the same boat as me


ElectricBoogaloo: nah hes not sick just hungover


FuckityFuck: so we all know how you’ll be spending your day then


AngryChuuyaNoises: curled up in bed


FuckityFuck: just as I thought


Stopsignsgobrr: spending all day curled up in blankets doesn’t sound bad at all


Bandades_and_Babes: get kyouka to come over then


Stopsignsgobrr: oh she never left last night


HorrorWhore: she didn’t?


Stopsignsgobrr: no she came home with me and stayed the night


Toushaltshutup: pls tell me u were safe


Stopsignsgobrr: it wasn’t like that!!


Ginge: after last night I wasn’t so sure


Stopsignsgobrr: hello pot this is the kettle


Stopsignsgobrr: pls be quieter next time I don’t feel like hearing u moaning at three am


Ginge: 😳


Notatanizaki: 👀  👀


NotmyNeko: he was right about last night tho lol


Stopsignsgobrr: huh


NotmyNeko: seemed like u needed some assistance hahaha


Ginge: 🤣


Shithead: hey I helped him out eventually


Stopsignsgobrr: we do not speak of it


UpforStabs: why it turned out well for you


Stopsignsgobrr: for u u mean


UpforStabs: I have no idea what youre talking about


Stopsignsgobrr: 😑


Notatanizaki: there are just some things girls will never admit to


Thoushaltshutup: we have our methods


GremlinwaKnife: ;)


HamsterChow: like pressing ur ass against us when we’re asleep??


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah! Like that not supposed to give us a boner


GremlinwaKnife: 🤷🏻‍♀️


Bandades_and_Babes: youre the worst


Stopsignsgobrr: they do that on purpose too??




Bandades_and_Babes: looks like Kyouka has some explaining to do


FukcityFuck: clearly whatever she was doing isn’t working


Stopsingsgobrr: oh its working alright


UpforStabs: oh it is is it?


Stopsignsgobrr: 😑


UpforStabs: 🥰


Stopsignsgobrr: can I yeet her?


Thoushaltshutup: better than some other things u could do to her


Stopsignsgobrr: was that necessary Yosano


Thoushaltshutup: im hungover let me have some fun


Shadowbanned: u had enough fun last night drink some fucking water


Ithinknot: so did u tho LOL


Shadowbanned: apparently yeah! I have hickeys all over my neck and chest and idk where they came from…


Hermit: same here! I dunno who I slept with but


HamsterChow: …


Hermit: wait a minute


Hermit: did I—


HamsterChow: yes


Shadowbanned: we—


GremlinwaKnife: YES


Shadowbanned: well then


Ithinknot: how did u NOT KNOW


Shadowbanned: he mustve left after! And then I got distracted by walking in on Ango and Higuchi again!


GeronimoStilton: wait what


Shadowbanned: u heard me Ango


GeronimoStilton: WHEN


Noticemesenpai: so that was the noise I heard




GeronimoStilton: we were a bit preoccupied


Shadowbanned: yeah I got that from your face buried in her cooch


EmoAsthmatic: I—


Bandades_and_Babes: welp


Ithinknot: PFFT


UpforStabs: good job


HorrorWhore: well that was unfortunate for u Mizuki


Shadowbanned: meh last time I got full view of his dick so at least I didn’t get that this time




ElectricBoogaloo: speaking of getting fucked, we need to congratulate Haruno and Kunikida!


HamsterChow: must you phrase it like that


ElectricBoogaloo: yes


ElectricBoogaloo: and In celebration… >:)


HamsterChow: oh no what r u up to Osamu


CatCrazy: what is he doing and should I be scared


NotmyNeko: probably


FuckityFuck: I would be if I were you


ElectricBoogaloo changed CatCrazy’s username to BabyMomma


BabyMomma: well that’s not so bad considering its Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo changed HamsterChow’s username to AccidentallyDad


AccidentallyDad: I cant decide if I like this one better or not


BabyMomma: pfft


AccidentallyDad: shut it


BabyMomma: 😂


FRICKINLEMONS: I have a question


Bandades_and_Babes: ah so u didn’t die from alcohol poisoning




FRICKINLEMONS: why is my ear swollen


FRICKINLEMONS: and why do I have a black eye


Hermit: LMAO


FRICKINLEMONS: who tf did I fight??


GeronimoStilton: Kouyou’s fist




Hermit: u decided to torment me again


FRICKINLEMONS: that sounds about right


FuckityFuck: youre stupid when youre drunk


Noticemesenpai: only when he’s drunk??


FRICKINLEMONS: at least I wasn’t sucking someones face off


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah! Since when r u and Ango a thing??


Noticemesenpai: u guys never noticed?


AcidentallyDad: u never noticed me and Haruno either!


Noticemesenpai: that’s fair


NotmyNeko: I did and so did Ryuu but he cant talk rn


GremlinwaKnife: 😅


Stopsignsgobrr: Kyouka and I knew too


Shithead: as did I


Noticemesenpai: bc that’s surprising ranpo


Shithead: 🤷🏻‍♀️


GeronimoStilton: aren’t u guys supposed to be detetives how did u not know


ElectricBoogaloo: hush child


GeronimoStilton: im older than you


ElectricBoogloo: not in your behaviour


AccidentallyDad: Dazai u literally cant play that card


NotmyNeko: ^^


UpforStabs: im pretty sure Kenji’s more maure than u


ElectricBoogaloo: is he now?


UpforStabs: well


Bandades_and_Babes: how many bases did u hit little man


Stopsignsgobrr: why is that everyone elses business huh??


FRICKINLEMONS: oh ho ho what have we here


Hermit: someones awfully defensive


GeronimoStilton: hmmmmm


Stopsignsgobrr: u guyssss


Noticemesenpai: cmon u can tell us


UpforStabs sent an image (Kenji sit across from Kyouka on the futon, hugging a pillow with his face buried).


Notatanizaki: why so embarrassed Kenji-kun 😂


GremlinwaKnife: yeah stop hididng from us


Ginge: LMAOO


Shithead: sounds about right


NotmyNeko: wait wait did she stay there last night??


AcidentallyDad: yes we’ve been over this


NotmyNeko: KENJI


Stopsignsgobrr: yes?






Thoushaltshutup: no but I can


UpforStabs: yeah…




Stopsignsgobrr: WAIT WHAT


UpforStabs: LOL


Stopsignsgobrr: WHAT DID U GIVE HER


Ginge: why are u scared??




FuckityFuck: why are u encouraging this Akiko


Thoushaltshutup: safe sex yall yeehaw


Stopsignsgobrr: maybe ill just yeet myself instead


Stopsignsgobrr: out the window


Bandades_and_Babes: that’s like two feet from the ground


Stopsignsgobrr: out the agency window*


ElectricBoogaloo: now youre thinking








Ginge: he doesn’t have a mind to make up that’s why


NotmyNeko: fuck u


Ginge: no


Ginge: but u nearly fucked ON me last night


NotmyNeko: what




Acidentallydad: at least they didn’t get naked


GeronimoStilton: unlike Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: pls refrain


Bandades_and_Babes: he doesn’t know how to not be horny


AngryChuuyaNoises: I was drunk!!


Noticemesenpai: exactly


AngryChuuyaNoises: im not an alcoholic


Shithead: r u sure about that


Bandades_and_Babes: I don’t think he is


Legallydad: probably not


FuckityFuck: Chuu honey I don’t think u can tell us ur not


ElectricBoogaloo sent a video (he adjust the camera, which then settles on Chuuya, who’s lying on Dazai’s chest. Dazai’s other hand is visible, smoothing Chuuya’s hair in hopes that the gentle touch will calm his headache. “I don’t have to drink,” Chuuya mumbles, his eyes closed. “I just enjoy it. A nice glass of wine after a long day is just perfect. Especially after dealing with you fuckers all day long. It just doesn’t help that it doesn’t take me long to get drunk.” “That’s because Chibi’s so small.” “Shut up, you love me.” “I do, because then I can hold you like this.” “God, don’t say that in front of everyone,” he groans, turning his face further into Dazai’s chest.)


Notatanizaki: awww


BabyMomma: awwwww you two are adorable


ElectricBoogalo: “I’m not adorable, I’m intimidating” – Chuuya


FuckityFuck: sure lad u keep thinking that


Noticemesenpai: aw hes so cute


ElectricBoogaloo: “I’m not cute, I’m a threat” – Chuuya


UpforStabs: Kenji snorted


Stopsignsgobrr: I DID NOT


Ginge; u probably did


Stopsignsgobrr: betrayal


NotmyNeko: someone tell me why I just found this in my camera roll


NotmyNeko sent an image (it’s just a tongue really close to the camera)


HorrorWhore: are you sure its not yours?


NotmyNeko: why would it be mine?


HorrorWhore: you did some weird things while you were drunk


HorrorWhore: speaking of which, I have some entertaining photos


Shithead: oh no


HorrorWhore: oh yes


Hermit: lmao


HorrorWhore sent an image (Tachihara, Chuuya, and Junichiro are on the small karaoke stage, all three of them mid-horrible dance to go with their horrible karaoke)


Ginge: oh god


Bandades_and_Babes: lol look at me go


GremlinwaKnife: see Yosano I told u it would be bad


Thoushaltshutup: I wish id listened to u


Bandades_and_babes: Gin-channnnn


GremlinwaKnife: no mercy


Ginge: no no mercy was Atsushi and Ryuunosuke pitting me in the middle of their makeout session and not letting me LEAVE


NotmyNeko: IM SORRY






Ginge: I cant NOT remember it!




NotmyNeko: at least u weren’t hearing weird noises from us like from Chuuya and Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: don’t bring me back into this


Ginge: actually I did


Ithinknot: “oh Ryuu, take me somewhere else”~~


NotmyNeko: huh


Ithinknot: “gah, there, right there”~~


Bandades_and_Babes: oh??


Ithinknot: “nnnngggghhhhhhh yes moreeee”~~


NotmyNeko: AHH I DIDN’T


Ithinknot: U DID


Noticemesenpai: poor Jun




Ginge: I hope you know im not letting this go


NotmyNeko: plssssss


Ginge: not a chance


Ginge: prepare to be relentlessly bullied for the next few days


NotmyNeko: aww mannn


Ginge: now whos the whore LMAO


NotmyNeko: 😩


Ginge: 😂


GeronimoStilton: so it wasn’t just me getting it on last night LOL


HorrorWhore: nope


HorrorWhore sent an image (Yosano sits on Ranpo’s lap, facing him, kissing his neck)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Akutagawa dances with Atsushi, both hands on his ass)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Kenji and Kyouka dancing, pressed right together)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Haruno dancing on Kunikida, who’s got his hands all over her)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Tsujimura sitting across Katai on the couch, where they’re making out)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Fukuzawa staring at Mori, who sits on his lap)


HorrorWhore sent an image (Naomi has Junichiro bent back over the table from the force of their kiss)


HorrorWhore: enough evidence for you?


NotmyNeko: I knew u were a bottom Jun


Ginge: shUT UP


HorrorWhore sent an image (all of the couples are on the floor, the girls dancing on the guys, with the exception of skk and sskk, where its Atsushi and Chuuya on Akutagawa and Dazai. Everyone seems to be enjoying it, and the singles around the outside are cheering them on, probably only half-joking).


Stopsigngobrr: you got a picture of that??


HorrorWhore: no clearly not


Bandades_and_Babes: hey look Chuuya was really into it


AngryChuuyaNoises: leave me aloneeeee


Noticemesenpai: we cant


Bandades_and_Babes: its too easy


EmoAsthmatic: PDA. Disgusting.


NotmyNeko: no don’t—




NotmyNeko: NO—


FRICKINLEMONS: loving how embarrassed the kid is about that picture


UpforStabs: hes hiding again


Stopsignsgobrr: don’t—




UpforStabs: no no what were u gunna say


Stopsignsgobrr: REFRAIN


FRICKINLEMONS: there was probably something not hidden last night


Stopsignsgobrr: NOO I SAID REFRAIN


FRICKINLEMONS: and I didn’t listen LMAO


Shadowbanned: u guys are so mean to him


Ginge: its fun


Stopsingsogbrr: I heard u bottoming all night long do I need to continue??


Ginge: no no I think im good


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah thts what I thought


Bandades_and_Babes: Kyouka hasn’t commented on what Kajii said


UpforStabs: no need


NotmyNeko: what does that mean


UpforStabs: idk aren’t u a detective


NotmyNeko: I don’t wanna look into thatttt


UpforStabs: then take that as u will


Ginge: lol


UpforStabs: what do u know


Ginge: LOL


UpforStabs: -_-




Noticemesenpai: who?? My bet’s Kajii




Acidentallydad: because its you why else


NotmyNeko sent an image (It’s Jun, sticking his tongue out at the camera)


Ginge: LMAO


Ginge: guilty as charged


NotmyNeko: but WHY


Ginge: it was there


NotmyNeko: you’re unbelievable


Acidentallydad: whats unbelievable is u too being chaotic when drunk


Ginge; oh no what now


Acidentallydad: Atsushi ran around with you hoisted over his head for a good ten minutes


EmoAsthmatic: why


Noticemesenpai: what was the point


NotmyNeko: Idk I was drunk!!


GremlinwaKnife: why did Jun let you


Acidentallydad: I don’t think he did he was screaming the whole time


Ginge: now that u say that I do have a faint memory of that


Sugardaddy: my god what is going on


GremlinwaKnife: >:)


Sugardaddy: nvm im leaving


Noticemesenpai: LMAO


Acidentallydad: PFFT WAIT


Sugardaddy: what


Acidentallydad: do u have any pictures from last night


Sugardaddy: a few why


Bandades_and_Babes: send them


Sugardaddy: idk if u want me to


Bandades_and_Babes: oh no


GremlinwaKnife; SEND THEM




Sugardaddy sent an image (Poe trying to pull Ranpo off the table)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Tachi running towards the camera shaking his head so his tongue wiggles)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kunikida pouring rum into Dazai’s mouth as he lays on the floor, giving him a thumbs up)


Sugardaddy sent an image (the bizarre dance group together)


Sugardaddy sent an image (sskk kissing across Jun)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Ango and Dazai jokingly slow dancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Tsujimura having a drink with Poe)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Jun spinning Atsushi when they were dancing together)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Ranpo trying to balance a glass on Fukuzawa’s head, who is less than impressed)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Mori failing at breakdancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kenji’s alarmed face when kyouka was sitting on his lap)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Tachi and Gin slow dancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kouyou dragging Kajii away)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Naomi and Haruno dancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Higuchi and Gin sitting at the bar with pizza)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Lucy and Gin doing Karaoke)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Ango and Katai having a staring contest)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Akutagawa and Higuchi toasting to something)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Atsushi showing Kyouka a dance)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Jun and Kenji laughing about something while dancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Akutagawa and Gin dancing together)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kenji showing Kunikida a dance from his village)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Fukuzawa dancing with Kyouka, grandfather-granddaughter dance)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Chuuya sneaking Kenji a sip of his drink, followed by Kenji choking on it and Chuuya laughing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kouyou sharing a drink with Yosano and Mori)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kunikida and Katai laughing hysterically)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Poe trying to show Ranpo a fancy dance and Ranpo is clearly confused)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Dazai sharing a drink with Atsushi)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kunikida and Dazai laughing while dancing)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kajii dancing with Yosano)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Jun dipping Naomi)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Chuuya using his ability to be taller than Kunikida)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Fukuzawa sitting and talking to Kenji)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Gin poking Kunikida, who can’t help but smile when he’s trying to scowl at her)


Sugardaddy sent an image (Tachihara and Jun posing with the number balloons)


Acidentallydad: that’s a lot of photos


GremlinwaKnife: so that’s why no one saw u all night


Shithead: I saw him but he never did anything


Sugardaddy: I figured id take pictures since most of you wouldn’t remember the party anyway


ElectricBoogaloo: lol short Chibi


Thoushaltshutup: Mori what the hell were you trying to do


Legallydad: break dance


Thoushaltshutup: wlel u failed


Legallydad: clearly yes


Bandades_and_Babes: aww Kunikida has a soft spot for Gin


GremlinwaKnife: of course im an angel


Acidentallydad: so was Lucifer


GremlinwaKnife: HEY


Noticemesnepai: 🤭


Ginge: 😂


FRICKINLEMONS: oh so she really did quite literally drag me away


FuckityFuck: of course I did dumbass


FRICKINLEMONS: im not dumb


FuckityFuck: how long will it take u to admit it to yourself




FuckityFuck: 🙄


EmoAsthmatic: I don’t remember dancing with that group


NotmyNeko: babe u don’t remember a lot


Ginge: now do u believe me about the makeout


NotmyNeko: hush


Ginge: no


GremlinwaKnife: Tachi your tingue is not appealing


GeronimoStilton: probably not what u were saying when he stuck it down your throat


GremlinwaKnife: we didn’t kiss last night ??


Hermit: yeah not last night


GremlinwaKnife: shut ur face


Hermit: uno reverse card


GremlinwaKnife: how DARE u


GeronimoStilton: wait why were we having a staring contest Katai


Hermit: idk but I won


GeronimoStiltn: theres no way u won I won


Hermit: did not


GeronimoStilton: did too


Acidentallydad: neither or you did because I clapped in your faces


Hermit: rude Doppo


Acidentaly: I saw an opportunity and I took it


NotmyNeko: like when Dazai dove across the bar because it looked like a slip n slide


Sugardaddy: how did I miss that


EmoAsthmatic: it was during the awful karaoke


GremlinwaKnife: I just now that was directed at me


EmoAsthmatic: it was


Sugardaddy: wait I have one more photo


Sugardaddy sent an image (Kunikida and Haruno hugging and crying after she said she was pregnant)


NotmyNeko: im so happy for you guys


Noticemesenpai: aww congrats


Notatanizaki: congratulations Haruno!! Im gunna be a great aunt to your baby


Acidentallydad: idk if id trust you with them


Notatanizaki: itd be fine!


Ginge: congrats Haruno, ill be a good unlce!!

Acidentallydad: now him id trust


Notatanizaki: over me??


Acidentallydad: youre too chaotic


Notatanizaki: take a look at those photos again will u


Ginge: no don’t


Notatanizaki: Juniii


Ginge: 🤫


Notatanizaki: oh yeah? Come here


Ginge: 😰


AngryChuuyaNoises: im really happy for you two, you’ll be great parents


BabyMomma: thank you, Chuuya 💕


Stopsignsgobrr: Congrats!! I’ll help you out with whatever you need until the baby is born


Stopsignsgobrr: and then after too!


BabyMomma: aw I appreciate that Kenji-kun


Stopsignsgobrr: I have a lot of sibings so ive had a lot of experience helping out!


HorrorWhore: me as well


BabyMomma: thank you both


Shithead: I guess I will share my candies with you


Thoushaltshutup: do I need to get pregnant before u will share w me Ranpo???


Shithead: yes


Thouhaltshutup: -_-


ElectricBoogaloo: im very happy for the both of you, but im also cursing you for putting the idea of a baby in Chuuya’s head


Acidentallydad: oh please the idea for that was already there


FuckityFuck: its not a secret hat Chuuya’s always really wanted to have a family


ElectricBoogaloo: oh yeah


Stopsignsgobrr: well one things for sure


BabyMomma: and whats that Kenji?


Stopsignsgobrr: this baby is going to have one big loving family


BabyMomma: yeah… I guess they will 😊

Chapter Text


Listen Up, Fuckers

Monday, 11:00 am


EmoAsthmatic: Im going to sound like a nerd but can anyone recommend some books for me?


NotmyNeko: haha nerd


EmoAsthmatic: Jinko


NotmyNeko: lol


GeronimoStilton: what kind of books are you looking for?


EmoAsthmatic: anything I’m not picky


GremlinwaKnife: yes he is don’t let him trick you


EmoAsthmatic: shut your face


GremlinwaKnife: no <3


NotmyNeko: do you want back some of the books you leant me?


Ginge: ha nerd!


NotmyNeko: do I need to expose you


Ginge: nO


NotmyNeko: that’s what I thought


EmoAsthmatic: no Atsushi its okay ive already read those a thousand times


AcidentallyDad: I cant really recommend anything without knowing what you’re looking for


EmoAsthmatic: idk uh… got any apocalyptic types?


Shadowbanned: youre right he is emo


Noticemesenpai: I told you


EmoAsthmatic: HIGUCHI


Noticemesenpai: SUE ME

AcidentallyDad: The Road by Cormac Mcarthy was good


EmoAsthmatic: hmm okay


Ithinknot: I read a book called The Enemy once but I don’t remember who its by


NotmyNeko: that’s helpful


Ithinknot: ikr


EmoAsthmatic: both of those books are in English


Ithinknot: I grew up in Canada what did you expect


AngryChuuyaNoises: find a translated copy then


EmoAsthmatic: or you could translate it for me


AngryChuuyaNoises: absolutely not


EmoAsthmatic: @ElectricBoogaloo hbu?


ElectricBoogaloo: my English is not that good


ElectricBoogaloo not anymore at least


AngryChuuyaNoises: it never was


ElectricBoogaloo: yes it was!


Sugardaddy: no it wasn’t


GremlinwaKnife: no it wasn’t


EmoAsthmatic: no it wasn’t


FuckityFuck: no it wasn’t


Legallydad: no it wasn’t


GeronimoStilton: no it wasn’t


AngryChuuyaNoises: see


ElectricBoogaloo: traitors. All of you.


NotmyNeko: why would you ask him if you agree??


EmoAsthmatic: I was hoping he’d improved some


AcidentallyDad: well he definitely has not


HorrorWhore: I think you’re forgetting that both Lucy and I speak both languages


EmoAsthmatic: O.O


Ginge: good job


EmoAsthmatic: thanks


EmoAsthmatic: does that mean you’d translate it for me?


HorrorWhore: no


EmoAsthmatic: -_-


NotmyNeko: LOL


HorrorWhore: I just wanted to be considered as an option. Carry on.


EmoAsthmatic: what the hell


Shithead: hes laughing at you. Just so you know.


EmoAsthmatic: 😒


GeronimoStilton: any more genres you’re looking for?


EmoAsthmatic: hmm… how about something that made you cry


Ginge: My third-year mathematics textbook


NotmyNeko: 🤭


Ginge: don’t act all innocent I can hear you laughing from down the hallway


Notmyneko: I was laughing at Dazai falling down the stairs


Acidentallydad: oh sure you were


Shithead: what was that noise


CATana: who pushed Dazai-kun down the stairs




EmoAsthmatic: I—


Thoushaltshutup: can someone tell me why Dazai just ran in here asking for medicinal heroin?


AngryChuuyaNoises: BAHAHAHA


GremlinwaKnife: PFFT


Ginge: Atsushi I can still hear you laughing


NotmyNeko: IT WASN’T ME


AcidentallyDad: who is Kenji yelling at




Thoushaltshutup: why??




GremlinwaKnife: wouldn’t hitting you have just snapped his spine like a twig?




GeronimoStilton: ou bullying Dazai hours I want in


Shadowbanned: why are you like this


GeronimoStilton: like what??


Shadowbanned: u act like ur normal but in truth you’re a closet crackhead like the rest of them


Notatanizaki: thanks Haruno just spit her tea out on my face




Bandades_and_Babes: that’s okay Hirotsu nearly had to give Gin the Heimlich


EmoAsthmatic: hey don’t kill my sister


Shadowbanned: it wasn’t intentional


Ithinknot: Tsujimura gets jailed for manslaughter


Shadowbanned: nooooooo


Thoushaltshutup: does he even know how to give someone the Heimlich ??


Sugardaddy: yes I do


Bandades_and_Babes: I don’t


NotmyNeko: neither did I


Ginge: I learned some basic first aid in school but that’s it


UpforStabs: I did a full course of standard first aid and CPR


EmoAsthmatic: what? When??


UpforStabs: a month or so before my parents died


Thoushaltshutup: that’s why Kyouka’s decided to become my apprentice


Acidentallydad: wait what


FuckityFuck: wait what


Ginge: I guess mom and dad weren’t consulted on this one huh


Stopsignsgobrr: asdfghjkl u cant say that anymore


Ginge: fight me


Stopsignsgobrr: I will


Ginge: dammit


UpforStabs: ive decided to become Yosano-sensei’s apprentice and learn both physical treatment and knowledge surrounding mental illness


Bandades_and_Babes: wow she sounds so grown up


UpforStabs: im tempted to go over there and chuck my shoe at your head


Bandades_and_Babes: do it you wont


UpforStabs: youre right I wont because im more mature than that


Stopsignsgobrr: u pushed Dazai-san down the stairs


UpforStabs: hush


FuckityFuck: that’s actually a really good idea for you Kyouka


CATana: it’ll be busy between school and work but I’m sure she will manage just fine


Ginge: what about school clubs?


CATana: well im sure she and Kenji will be expected to join one regardless


Bandades_and_Babes: ouuu what will you choose


UpforStabs: soccer duh


Stopsignsgobrr: have u met her?


Bandades_and_Babes: 🙄


Hermit: what about you Kenji?


Acidentallydad: you could ask him in person if you hadn’t spent half the day in Uzumaki


Hermit: I needed coffee


Acidentallydad: and I need some fucking sleep


GeronimoStilton: don’t we all


AccidentallyDad: yep


Notatanizaki: lol welcome to not having sleep for the next 20 years of your life


Accidentallydad: eh ive gone 22 already lets just make it 42


BabyMomma: lets not??


Accidentallydad: well unless you’re going to be getting up with our baby in the middle of the night


BabyMomma: why wouldn’t I?


AccidentallyDad: listen you have to carry them for nine months and give birth and do all the other motherly things, the least I can do is take the midnight diaper change or feeding so that you can sleep


Notatanizaki: hi so I think Haruno has ceased functioning momentarily, pls give her a moment


AngryChuuyaNoises: well don’t fuckin break her Kunikida


Shithead: well… hekind of already did


Bandades_and_Babes: he didn’t break her he broke her in


Shithead: see he got what I meant




NotmyNeko: WELL U DID




NotmyNeko: no no please no


Ginge: you don’t have to but I will


NotmyNeko: Jun nO


AcidentallyDad: do it


NotmyNeko: NO


Ginge: I ran into Atsushi Saturday afternoon and u wanna guess what I saw


EmoAsthmatic: oh please no


EmoAsthmatic: have mercy


Ginge: I walk into his dorm bc we were gunna go out for a drive and whatever right? And everything seems normal…


GremlinwaKnife: I feel like, as Ryuus sister, I don’t wanna know


Thoushaltshutup: im sensing a but here


GremlinwaKnife: but as a shit disturber, I wanna know


Thoushaltshutup: there it is


Bandades_and_Babes: go on Junichiro


Ginge: okay okay


Ginge: so im trying to get him up to leave and he’s not budging and at first im like what is it is something wrong and he just looks at me and is like no so I say okay lets go then


NotmyNeko: Jun pleaseeeee


UpforStabs: was this before I got back?


Ginge: yeah u were still w Kenji doing god knows what


Stopsignsgobrr: don’t put it like that!


AngryChuuyaNoises: someone wants to be a shit disturber today


Bandades_and_Babes: are u complaining?


AngryChuuyaNoises: absolutely not


Ginge: finally this kid gets up off the couch and hes limping. And not like ow I twisted my ankle but like… just walking funny. Almost waddling. And im just staring at him like what in the actual fuck happened to you??


GremlinwaKnife: oh its so good but so bad no—


EmoAsthmatic: oh for gods sake


Ginge: so obviously, we know who was bottoming the night before, considering he got but-fucked so hard he couldn’t walk


AccidentallyDad: Kenji keep the water IN your mouth please


UpforStabs: Yosano could u please bring me a towel there’s water ALL OVER MY FACE


Bandades_and_Babes: BAHAHAHAA


Ginge: and when I asked him about it, while laughing, u wanna know what he said to me??


Shithead: yes


Shadowbanned: yes


Noticemesenpai: pls spill


Ginge: “Stopppp, he broke my assholeeee”


AcidentallyDad: can u Heimlich the water out of someone????


Thoushaltshutup: you moron


UpforStabs: make that two towels


Ginge: dude quit drinking your gallon of water when im telling a joke


NotmyNeko: it wasn’t a joke it was slander 😭


Bandades_and_Babes: what the fuck why do you drink so much water??


Stopsignsgobrr: bc im fucking thirsty??


Bandades_and_Babes: okay but im im right a gallon is like 5 litres or something right?


HorrorWhore: four litres


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah so that’s a ridiculous amount of water


Stopsignsgobrr: better too much than not enough right?


Bandades_and_Babes: I guess??


Thoushaltshutup: why are you so thirsty?


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t know?? Ask my internal organs??


NotmyNeko: Kyouka literally asked wtf


AngryChuuyaNoises: what the fuck


Stopsignsgobrr: shes a different breed


AngryChuuyaNoises: no YOU’RE a different breed


Stopsignsgobrr: what breed would that be exactly?


AngryChuuyaNoises: a cowboy


Stopsignsgobrr: -_-


Bandades_and_Babes: u walked right into that one


GeronimoStilton: u really did


Shadowbanned: ^^


Stopsignsgobrr: can u rage quit life?


Ginge: first of all—who taught u the term rage quit


Stopsignsgobrr: u did dummy


Ginge: oh shit right


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Ginge: second of all—no because ive already tried and that didn’t end well


Notmyneko: no—


Thoushaltshutup: Jun no


Stopsignsgobrr: I didn’t mean it like that


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t wanna do that I just meant


EmoAsthmatic: meant what


Stopsignsgobrr: idk but not that!


Stopsignsgobrr: im sorry


Ginge: its okay lol


NotmyNeko: we know u were joking


Stopsignsgobrr: I need to not joke about that though it caused a problem


Ginge: r u saying I was a problem?


Stopsignsgobrr: No!!


Stopsignsgobrr: no no im not saying that at all!


Ginge: Im kidding Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: im sorry


Ginge: I was kidding buddy its alright


Stopsignsgobrr: oh… I took things too literally again


Bandades_and_Babes: I thought someone taught him sarcasm


UpforStabs: we did


Thoushaltshutup: yeah but u would take things more literally if u were stressed


Bandades_and_Babes: hes 14


AngryChuuyaNoises: oi don’t underestimate the stress of a 14 y/o


Stopsignsgobrr: im not stressed just stupid haha


NotmyNeko: lol sounds like what I tell myself everyday


Ginge: Atsushi no—


NotmyNeko: im kidding


NotmyNeko: mostly


Ginge: 😒


NotmyNeko: hey don’t scowl at me you told them all about my broken asshole




Hermit: you might have


GeronimoStilton: I mean judging by that dick pic…


EmoAsthmatic: NO


GremlinwaKnife: GAH




Stopsignsgobrr: same


Ginge: I really didn’t wanna see his dick


EmoAsthmatic: dammit Jun why’d u have to bring it up


Ginge: did I push it too far?


NotmyNeko: eh…


EmoAsthmatic: meh…


Ginge: almost?


NotmyNeko: just watch it


Ginge: gotcha. Sorry guys


NotmyNeko: its all good


EmoAsthmatic: as long as ur not leaking or watching a sex tape


AngryChuuyaNoises: OI


Stopsignsgobrr: I SAID IM SORRY 😭


GremlinwaKnife: U HAVE A SEX TAPE




Bandades_and_Babes: why were u excited




Sugardaddy: sure u were


GremlinwaKnife: why are u coming after me?? I just didn’t wanna see my brothers dick!!


FRICKINLEMONS: @Notatanizaki


Notatanizaki: nii-sama~


Ginge: oh cut it out Naomi!!


Accidentallydad: he just lives for chaos doesn’t he


Bandades_and_Babes: why did he come in just to tag her and then leave 😂


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh look another shit disturber


Accidentallydad: speaking of shit-disturbers, where’s Dazai?


Thoushaltshutup: idk he was icing his head when I left the infirmary


AngryChuuyaNoises: u left him in there ALONE??



Accidentallydad: I beg to differ


GeronioStilton: hes a man child


GremlinwaKnife: lol like Atsushi, the man-boy!


NotmyNeko: stfu Gin


GremlinwaKnife: >:)


Sugardaddy: oh lord my heart cant take much more of that face


Bandades_and_Babes: neither can mine


NotmyNeko: …


FuckityFuck: …


Accidentallydad: …


Ginge: …


AngryChuuyaNoises: …


EmoAsthmatic: what


Bandades_and_Babes; that came out wrong


GremlinwaKnife: like u nearly came out as gay bc u thought I was a MAN


Bandades_and_Babes: GIN WHY


GremlinwaKnife: gay gay homosexual gay


ElectricBoogaloo: you rang?


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh my god


GeronimoStilton: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Thoushaltshutup: Dazai, what are you up to?


ElectricBoogaloo: I found the medicinal heroin


Thoushaltshutup: what medicinal heroin??


ElectricBoogaloo: the one in the bag in the back of your storage cupboard


Thoushaltshutup: YOU PICKED THE LOCK??


AngryChuuyaNoises: of course he did


AccidentallyDad: oh pls tell me he’s not on shrooms again


Thoushaltshutup: oh my god—Dazai that’s not heroin, it’s medical marijuana


ElectricBoogaloo: not unless its Chibi im marrying


AngryChuuyaNoises: …




ElectricBoogaloo: oh


ElectricBoogalo: whoops


EmoAsthmatic: “whoops”


Ginge: I thought it was in Atushi’s closet




Ginge: 😂


GremlinwaKnife: u fucking moron


AngryChuuyaNoises: DAZAI U DUMBASS


GeronimoStilton: 🤦🏽‍♂️ oh Dazai


GeronimoStilton: what are we going to do with you




When lunch rolled around, Kunikida remained seated at his desk. All of the others, with the exception of Yosano who was dealing with a very high Dazai, left the office to grab a bite to eat. While Kyouka shook Kenji awake until he lifted his head from his arms and Atsushi punched Junichiro in the arm until they were out of sight, Kunikida waited for one specific person. At last, folding the front cover of the book closed once more, Poe raised his gaze to Kunikida.


The blond stood from his chair and crossed to him, fidgeting with the hem of his vest as he stood in front of the older man. Poe cleared his throat. “Is there something I can help you with, Kunikida-kun?”


Hesitantly, Kunikida met his eyes. “Actually, yes. I wondered if I could ask you a question.”




“I, um… I’ve noticed that you wear a ring.”


Poe stiffened. “Yes. What of it?”


“It’s a wedding ring, correct?”


“So what if it is?”


Kunikida held his hands up. “I’m not here to judge you, I just wanted to ask your advice.”


“On what?”


Kunikida gulped. “As a married man, do you have any advice on how to propose? I’d like to ask Haruno to marry me before the baby arrives.”


Something glinted in Poe’s eyes that Kunikida couldn’t put his finger on. “I didn’t propose.”


“Oh. Did she? Or he?”


“No, she didn’t either. It was an arranged marriage.”


Kunikida took a half-step back, squinting at Poe. “An arranged marriage? In this day and age?”


“Yes. Is that all?”


“Do you have any advice about marriage that you could spare me?”


“Don’t do it.”




“Don’t get married. Ever.”


Kunikida blinked a few times. “Excuse me? I—Why not?”


Abruptly, Poe stood, slamming his hands down on the desk and leaning towards Kunikida with wild eyes. “Because it will ruin your life. She-she’ll turn evil and hurt you and try to tear you to shreds.” He breathed heavy as Karl climbed onto his shoulder, nudging his face with his nose. “You’ll hate each other and she will turn on you. She’ll probably prefer your parents. It’s a medieval torture device. Don’t do it.”


Poe took a shaky breath, then straightened, looking at the floor instead of at Kunikida. His voice shook when he spoke. “If you must marry her, get a prenup. Get a contract. Something. Protect yourself.”


Kunikida’s mouth hung open and he floundered for a moment to think of something to say. In the end, all he came up with was, “Why?”


Poe turned his back and began to walk away. “If you love her, do not marry her.”




He froze. “Yes?”


“Are you okay?”


“I am. Now that I’m here.”


Without another word, Poe left the room, leaving an astonished Kunikida behind. He sat back down at his desk and pulled out his cell phone, dialling Ranpo’s number.


The line crackled. “Helloo?”


“Hey, Ranpo. I, uh… I think I might have set something off for Poe.”


Ranpo’s voice tightened, coming through stern and accusatory. “What did you say to him?”


“I saw his wedding ring and I—”


“Don’t ever bring that up.”


“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”


Ranpo paused, letting out a long breath. Yosano was speaking to him in the background, sounding like she’d directed the breath. “I know. I’ll handle it. Thanks for telling me.”


“Yeah. Of course.”


The line went dead and Kunikida let the phone slip from his hand. He rested his face against his palms, pondering what to do next. His ideals were all out of whack. Everything he’d planned, all of the ideals he’d created and worked so hard to obtain—they’d all flown out the window. What was he supposed to do now, without them? That’s all he was, wasn’t he? Ideals. Ideals. Ideals.


What was he going to do? How would he move forward? How would he—


“Are you okay, Doppo?”


He whirled around in his chair, hazel eyes meeting the green of Haruno’s. Instantly his train of thought dissolved. “Yeah…” He smiled up at her, then nodded. “Yeah. I am.”


Perhaps he didn’t need his ideals after all? Maybe he didn’t know and maybe the internal conflict would come back. But for now, when he was with her, knowing that she carried their child… He thought that maybe all he needed to be now was a father.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, 1:00 pm


Slow days at the agency, although they may seem tedious, were beginning to seem like a luxury. For months, there always seemed to be something going on, whether that meant someone was on a case, there was a lot of paperwork, or the chat shenanigans were taking over. But that day in particular was a rare one, the sun bathing everything in a warm glow while the blue sky seen through the glass appeared brighter than the previous days.


A paper airplane coasted through the air, dipping before landing at Ranpo’s feet. The detective picked it up with a chuckle, then tossed it back to where it came, skidding along Kyouka’s desk. She giggled, then folded the wings some more and tossed it back. Across from her, Kenji grinned before sipping his water, listening to her response to his question. They tapped their feet together under the desk, simply enjoying each other’s company while at least one of them did their work. Beside Kenji sat Junichiro, typing away on his laptop while conversing with Yosano.


On the other side of the office, Kunikida attempted to do his work. Dazai, however, had other ideas, and had spent the last twenty minutes prodding Kunikida with his pencil. Haruno crossed the office, chiding at Dazai that he should stop before Kunikida decked him. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t listen. He decided that maybe Haruno could see the future.


Atsushi tried his best not to laugh while he finished the work Dazai passed off to him, albeit reluctantly. Across from him, Lucy laughed openly. Naomi swatted at her. “You’re going to ruin the braid if you don’t sit still.”


“Why did you have to braid it, it’s always braided.”


“It’s a special type of braid though.”


“There’s no use in arguing with her,” said Kunikida without looking up. “Naomi is pretty stubborn.”


“Pretty?” Jun snorted. “Incredibly.” She swatted at him too, but he ducked in time.


“You shouldn’t be calling anyone else stubborn, Doppo.”


“Shut it, Katai. What are you doing anyway?”


Katai looked up from his stack of computer equipment. “Uh—working.”


“I’m pretty sure he’s playing a game,” said Ranpo, tossing the paper plane back to Kyouka once again.


“Wha—I am not!”


“Poe, check for me.”


Poe glared at Ranpo. “I’m writing, why would you disturb me?”


“So what? Prove me right?”


“Why me?”


“Because you’re the closest!”


With a sigh, Poe rolled closer to Katai, then rolled his eyes. “He’s playing a video game.”


“Told you, Kunikida.”


Kunikida puffed out his cheeks, raising his brows at Katai. Katai moved his arms in some kind of indecipherable gesture. “What else was I gunna do? I’m bored.”


“Your work?”


“I don’t have any yet.”


Without a word, Atsushi stood from his desk and crossed the room, dropping a stack of papers on Katai’s desk. “Here. Do Dazai’s.”


Kunikida and Junichiro both snorted, while Poe put in ear plugs so that he could focus. Atsushi sat back down, feeling Katai’s eyes boring into his back. When he didn’t return his gaze, they switched to Dazai, who shrugged at him with a smirk. Squinting at him, he rifled through his drawer for a pen., mumbling, “Now I remember why I quit in the first place.” That only caused Kunikida to laugh more.


“You’re in an awfully good mood today, Kunikida,” said Yosano, watching him from the gap between Junichiro and Kenji.


He spun to face her, ponytail flying back over his shoulder. “Is it a crime for me to be in a good mood, Yosano-sensei?”


“Not a crime, but maybe a little creepy.”


He shot her a look. “Ha-ha, very funny. I’m not always in a bad mood.”


“Man, you must be a good actor then.”


“I heard that, Tanizaki.”


He slid down in his chair. “Heard what? I didn’t say anything.”


In a second, Kunikida stood behind him, head leaning over the back of the chair, staring down at his apprentice. “Are you sure about that?”


“Yep! Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”


“Hmm… I could’ve sworn.”


“Nope, no swearing here!”


“Not yet…”


“Corrupt the children,” whispered Kyouka, which set Kenji off, catching Kunikida’s attention.


“What’s so funny?”


“You corrupting the children.”


Kenji laughed harder and Kunikida directed his attention to Kyouka. “I’m not corrupting the children! That’s Gin’s job.”


“And Ranpo-san’s.”


“No, not that!”


Kunikida eyed Kenji, but spoke to Kyouka. “You’re gunna kill him, stop it.”


“Stop what? I am the children.”


“But no one is corrupting you!”


“You are! You said you were gunna swear!”


“I’m not gunna fucking swear!”


“Kunikida,” Jun started.


“I fucking know what I said.”


Kenji nearly fell out of his chair and Kyouka sat back in hers with a smug smile. Kunikida shook his head at her. “It’s too late for you. They’ve got to you already.”


“Just because I’m funnier than you doesn’t mean I’m corrupt,” said Kyouka. “Dazai’s cooking is corrupt.”




“It’s true,” mumbled Atsushi.


“I’m wounded, Atsushi-kun!”


“Go cry to the hamster.”


Dazai’s jaw dropped momentarily, and then, “Fine. I will.”


“No,” called Kunikida. “That thing is evil!”


“Then why did I catch you sitting on the floor petting it this morning,” asked Haruno from where she stood in the doorway.


Kunikida spluttered, turning his back to her. “I did not!”


“I think I might have a pictu—”




The majority of the office burst into laughter while Kenji clutched at his sides, eyes closed. “No more, it hurts!”


“Too bad you’re not Dazai,” said Ranpo. “He’d enjoy that.”


“So would you,” Dazai retorted.


“I sa—aid stop—p—p.”


“Okay, okay,” Kyouka chuckled. “Have mercy you guys.”


“Mercy?” Kunikida asked, sitting back down in his chair. “I don’t think you know what that is.”


“Learn to take my humour.”




“At least she has one,” said Kenji, finally settled enough to speak, though he still hiccoughed now and then.


“I have a fine ass, thank you very much.”


“I can’t believe you just said that,” called Yosano.


“You’re just jealous.”


“Yeah, sure, that’s what it is.”


“It i—huh?”


His attention turned to the main door of the agency, which seemed to swing inwards by itself. For a brief moment it seemed as though no one was there—like it was some kind of supernatural event. But then the face of a small child peeked around the door.


Kunikida spun his chair to face them. “Hey, kiddo. Are you lost?”


A police officer appears behind the child, and the door opens a bit more. In the light they can all get a better look, realizing that the child was a little girl. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail and she wore shoddy sandals on her feet. They all surveyed her, eyes ping-ponging between her and the officer who’d come with her.


Before he could say a word, someone flew across the room in a blur of movement. Kenji skidded to his knees in the doorway, his hands on the girl’s shoulders. “Oh my God, what are you doing here? How did you get here?”


The girl blinked at him. “I missed you.”


They had the whole office’s attention, as well as presumably the chat’s, judging by Ranpo recording from his desk. Kenji shook his head in disbelief, then stands, eyes on the officer. “Where did you find her?”


“Wandering near the train station. Obviously, being so young and all alone I asked her where she was from and where she was going. When she said she was looking for her brother and said you had an ability, I brought her here.”


Abruptly, Kenji threw his arms around the officer. “Thank you for getting her here safe. Thank you so much.”


Startled, the officer furrowed his brows as he stared across the room blankly. “You’re welcome. I presume it’s okay to leave her with you then.”


“Yes, thank you.”


He nodded, then turned and left, closing the door behind him. Kenji turned his attention back to his little sister, taking her hands. “Did you hop on the train when is stopped to pick up food from Ihatov?” She nodded. “That’s so dangerous, you could’ve gotten lost, or hurt. Mom must be so worried. You can’t run off like that.”


The girl’s bottom lip trembled as she began to cry, the same golden eyes as Kenji’s staring up at him. “But I missed you.”


He scooped her up in his arms and shushed her, hugging her back. “I know. I missed you too. But you can’t run off all by yourself, it’s not safe.”


She nodded against his neck. “’M sorry.”


“It’s okay,” he said, bouncing the young child in his arms. “It’s okay.” He turned to face the group, of which they all held various faces of confusion. But just as he went to explain, his phone began to blare in his pocket. Pulling it out and seeing an unknown number, he flipped it open and raised it to his ear, balancing his still upset sister on his hip. “Hello?”


He immediately pulled the phone away from his ear as a woman’s voice screamed from the other side. “Kenji! Honey we lost Emiko, we can’t find her anywhere, she just disappeared, and we don’t know what—”


“Mom! Mom, it’s okay. I have her, she’s here with me.”


“She’s what??”


He took a deep breath, overly aware of all the attention on him, and quickly averted his eyes. “She hopped on the transport train that stops in the village to load food. Then she got off here and a police officer who new about the agency brought her here. She’s okay.”


“How did she… how did she know where to get off?”


“I don’t think she did, Mom. I think she just got lucky.”


The tears in her voice were audible as she spoke. “Oh my, she can’t be running off. I should’ve kept a closer eye on her this morning.”


“She’s safe and sound, I promise. How did you even call me?”


“I went to the next town over. Their general store has a phone.”


He nodded despite her nod being able to see her. “How do you want me to get her back?”


“The Sherriff is going to drive me to Yokohama tomorrow.”


“Mom, no, you’re in no shape to do that. You need to rest.”


“It’s okay, hun. I need to get checked by a doctor anyway—I think something is wrong.”


“Oh… I—actually, I have an idea. Hold on one minute.” Kenji pulled the phone away from his ear. “Yosano-sensei?”


“Yes? Is everything okay? Is your mom sick?”


He only raised a brow, glancing around at the confused faces, all except for Yosano and Kyouka, who both seemed concerned. “No. No, she’s pregnant. But she says she needs to get checked out. Would you be able to check her while she’s here to get Emiko tomorrow?”


Relief flooded the woman’s face. “Yes, absolutely. Here, let me talk to your mom real quick, hun.”


He nodded, putting the phone back to his ear. “Mom, I’m going to give the phone to Yosano-sensei. She’s our doctor here at the Agency. She said she’d help you out tomorrow.”


“That would be perfect. Thank you honey. I love you.”


“I love you, too.” Without another word, he handed the phone to Yosano.


“Miyazawa-san? Hi, I’m Yosano…” She trailed off as she headed for the infirmary.


After letting out a long breath, Kenji laced his sister lightly on her feet. When he straightened, he found that the whole agency stared at the two of them and she’d grabbed his hand with her tiny ones.


“So…” Kunikida began, unsure.


Kenji rubbed the back of his neck. “This is my little sister, Emiko. She’s four.”


“Four?” Atsushi raised his brows. “Why did your parents wait so long between kids?”


Kenji chuckled. “Oh, they didn’t. I’m the oldest of five—well, soon to be six.”




“Five younger siblings?” Jun asked as though he couldn’t believe what he’d heard.


“Mhmm! Three younger brothers, and Emiko! We don’t know if the baby will be a boy or a girl though.”




“You must be excited,” said Kyouka.


He grinned at her. “Very.”


“Okay, everything is settled,” said Yosano. Her heels clicked across the tiles as she crossed the room, grinning from ear to ear. “Glad I can help your family out a bit Kenji-kun.”


He took the phone back and slipped it into his pocket. “I very much appreciate it.”


“Are you okay to take care of Emiko for the night at your dorm?”


“Oh, for sure!”


Their attention was caught abruptly by Ranpo, who sat snickering at his desk. When he looked up, he waved his phone back and forth. “The rest of the group seems interested in this new turn of events.”


“Why must you be this way,” Poe muttered. Ranpo merely stuck his tongue out at him.




Listen Up, Fuckers


1:30 pm


GremlinwaKnife: @Stopsignsgobrr


Bandades_and_Babes: @Stopsignsgobrr


AngryChuuyaNoises: @Stopsignsgobrr


Shadowbanned: @Stopsignsgobrr


Stopsignsgobrr: Yes?


AngryChuuyaNoises: what the hell just happened??


Shadowbanned: is that your little sister??


GremlinwaKnife: how the hell did she get here?


Bandades_and_Babes: im so confused


Noticemesenpai: that’s nothing new


Bandades_and_Babes: stfu


Stopsignsgobrr: yes that’s my baby sister


Shadowbanned: AWW


AngryChuuyaNoises: what’s her name?


Stopsignsgobrr: Emiko


Acidentallydad: this kids only four and somehow managed to get here via a transport train


GremlinwaKnife: technically aren’t all trains transport trains


Accidentallydad: u know what Gin


GremlinwaKnife: what


Accidentallydad: youre not invited to my birthday party anymore


GremlinwaKnife: …what?


ElectricBoogaloo: wait wait wait hold up


NotmyNeko: how about no


Acidentallydad: it was a joke guys


GremlinwaKnife: I just… what


Accidentallydad: she it threw u off didn’t it


GremlinwaKnife: I don’t even know how to respond to that


NotmyNeko: that’s probably exactly what he wanted


GremlinwaKnife: yeah yeah


Stopsignsgobrr sent an image (Kenji and Emiko both smile at the camera in a selfie).


Noticemesenpai: OMG SHES PRECIOUS


Bandades_and_Babes: wow you look alike


Stopsignsgobrr: yes siblings tend to do that


EmoAsthmatic: unless youre the Tanizakis


Ginge: stOP


Notatanizaki: uwu


Ginge: no


Notatanizaki: heheh


Ginge: I saID NO


Bandades_and_Babes: going off what I know about Naomi u might wanna run


Notatanizaki: u can run but u cant hideeeee


Ithinknot: u have a problem


Notatanizaki: and to think I did your hair all pretty 😭


Ithinknot: my hair has nothing to do with your boyfriend


GeronimoStilton: well id hope not


NotmyNeko: id be concerned if it did


Ginge: so would I


AngryChuuyaNoises: okay now y’all are just teasing me


EletricBoogaloo: 😂


AngryChuuyaNoises: its not funny Osamu


EmoAsthmatic: u can have Gin if u want


AngryChuuyaNoises: I want a kid not a heathen


GremlinwaKnife: 🖕


NotmyNeko: u can have Kyouka


UpforStabs: u can have Atsushi


ElectricBoogaloo: hes already my apprentice I don’t need him to be my child too


BabyMomma: u can have Kunikida


Accidentallydad: Kirako 😭


BabyMomma: lol


GeronimoStilton: u can have me


AngryChuuyaNoises: what


ElectricBoogaloo: ew no


GeronimoStilton: pls I just really need to sleep ill do anything


Noticemeenpai: come over after work


GeronimoStilton: im too tired for that Ichiyou


Noticemesenpai: no youre going to sleep


GeronimoStilton: but insomnia. Bc stress.


Noticemesenpai: come let me cuddle you maybe then you’ll fall asleep


Shadowbanned: awwww


Hermit: bottom


GeronimoStilton: virgin


Hermit: hey fuck you


GeronimoStilton: u wish


GremlinwaKnife: gay gay homosexual gay?


Sugardaddy: u don’t sound too sure there Gin


GremlinwaKnife: im never sure anymore


AcidentallyDad: that’s too relatable to be funny


Thoushaltshutup: he just resting his head on his desk now


Ginge: I think he broken


Bandades_and_Babes: quick someone poke him




ElectricBoogaloo: same thing


Noticemesenpai: no?? its not??


FRICKINLEMONS: try a lemon instead


Accidentallydad: NO




AccidentallyDad: bc I don’t wanna die


Ginge: lol ill take one




Ginge: not for me, to get Naomi to LEAVE ME ALONE


FRICKINLEMONS: okay then sure


Notatanizaki: HEY


Stopsignsgobrr sent a video (on the other side of the room lays a pile of white fur. Atsushi transformed into the white tiger and is letting Emiko climb on him. She’s giggling away, petting him.

“Big kitty! Big, fluffy kitty!”


Some laughs echo around the office. Emiko tugs on one of Atsushi’s ears, then says hello into it. The tiger shakes its head.


“Kenji! Look at the big kitty!”


He laughs behind the camera. “I see him, Emi. Be gentle please.”


“Sorry mister kitty,” she says, patting the ear she tugged on.).


Shadowbanned: I cant take the cuteness


Noticemesenpai: cuteness overload


AngryChuuyaNoises: lol fat cat


Ithinknot: he might punt you for that


AngryChuuyaNoises; id like to see him try


Ithinknot: so would I lmao


GremlinwaKnife: I feel that its important to tell you that Ryuu just awed out loud at that video






At Kenji’s request, Kyouka visited for dinner that night. His cooking was delicious, as always, and Emiko seemed thrilled with it. With the food, with the new technology she’d seen in the apartment, with spending time with her brother… even with Kyouka.


Kyouka had never spent much time around younger children, and due to her line of work and background with the port mafia, being around kids made her uneasy. It wasn’t that she didn’t like kids, or didn’t ever want to have kids when she was older, she just didn’t want to mess up. But Emiko didn’t seem to be able to sense that, climbing onto Kyouka’s lap within minutes of her being there and chatting away.


She couldn’t help but smile. She was a ray of sunshine, just like her eldest brother. Friendly, bubbly, and curious. Despite her nerves, she played with Emiko while Kenji cooked and as the night went on she felt her unease melting away. If the girl liked her, what was there to be nervous about?


When it came time to eat, Emiko must’ve been hungry because she gobbled down the udon at record speed. Kenji only chuckled at her and refilled her glass of juice, asking her about the cows back home. About her brothers. About their mom and dad. About everything.


Kyouka learned more about their village in one night than she had in the months she’d known Kenji. And it wasn’t as if he wasn’t chatty, but putting these two together in one room led to her not getting a word in edgewise. But she was perfectly happy to sit quietly and listen to the two of them talk between slurping noodles. The longer Kenji talked to Emiko, the more she picked up on a slight accent that seeped into his speech and she focused on it, intrigued by how she’d never heard it before. She guessed it came out when he was around his family, comfortable and carried away by conversation. But why hide it in the first place? Maybe it was just natural, to pick up the way of speaking of the people around you.


While she helped Kenji clear the table he glanced up at her with a beaming smile. “I’m so glad you came over tonight.”


“I’m glad I came,” she admitted. “It’s been nice to see you with your sister.”


“I’ve missed her an awful lot.”


“I can tell. I’m happy you get to see her.”


“Me too.” He picked up the last bowl from the table, balancing it on top of other dishes in his arms. “Could you do me a favour, please, Kyouka?”


“Yeah, for sure. What do you need?”


“Could you keep Emiko occupied for a few minutes while I go to the bathroom and clean-up all the dishes?”


“I can do the dishes, Kenji, it’s really no—”


“No, no, it’s fine! I enjoy doing them. But Emiko—”


“Yeah, I’ll play with her for a bit longer. Maybe I can tell her some stories or something.”


He set the dishes down in the sink. “I think she’d like that.”


“Then that’s what I’ll do.”


Kenji was right, as she’d expected. Kyouka amped up some of her own stories and turned them into stories of princess warriors and groups of friends going on adventures. Emiko was completely enthralled by the tales she told, seeming to flow effortlessly from her mouth while barely having to think about them. When Kenji came in a while later, she was just finishing acting out a scene where a brave man slayed a dragon and saved his prince. He stood in the doorway, leaning against the wall, watching her with a quiet smile.


Kyouka’s eyes sparkled when she was happy, and the fact that she was happy to be playing with his baby sister sent a warm feeling through his whole body. Regardless of how he felt, seeing her happy was what mattered. Both of them. His girls. His saving graces.


For a majority of the rest of the night, Kenji sat on the floor with his back to the couch, allowing Emiko to sit behind him and do his hair in various, variably awful, styles. Despite groaning at Kyouka for taking pictures he rather enjoyed the silliness of the situation, laughing at the various atrocities the young girl managed to make. Eventually, though, she got bored and took the last one out, allowing him to comb through his hair with his fingers so that it would lay flat again.


Instead, she insisted he show her how the appliance and lights worked. He only chuckled and obliged, following her around the small apartment, giving the most ridiculous explanations for how the switch turned the lights on or how the toaster worked. Though he obviously knew they weren’t run by small mythical creatures, Kyouka teased him anyway. But he insisted that’s what it was, letting Emiko tell him he was silly or that she didn’t believe him, the fairies would have to be reallllllly small.


He carried her around on his back and then stooped to the floor to play cow, all the while Kyouka watched him with barely withheld laughter. Although she’d been skeptical, she’d enjoyed every moment of the night, simply watching them. Being a part of something so special—even just witnessing it.


Kenji was undeniably good with kids. That didn’t surprise her. But what did surprise her was how much she loved it. She’d never thought much about it, but she’d remembered hearing some of the other girls say that it’s attractive when a guy’s good with kids. She nodded to herself in a silent agreement, finally understanding what they’d meant. It was definitely true.


Near eight o’clock, he sat on the couch beside her once again, holding her hand as Emiko dozed off against his chest. She’d wanted to watch the kid’s show they’d managed to find on their limited channels, but the day’s excitement quickly got the better of her. Kenji changed the channel once she was asleep to a random gameshow, swiping his thumb over Kyouka’s hand as they watched it in silence.


She leaned close to his ear , grinning. “It’s hot, you know.”


“Hmm?” He tilted his head slightly to look at her. “What is?”


She kissed his cheek. “Girl’s like guys that are good with kids.”


He rolled his eyes. “That’s so not a thing.”


She elbowed him gently. “It is too a thing.”


“You’re making it up.”


That time she laughed. “I’m not making it up! It really is hot.”


At that word he looked the other way, attempting to hide the way his face flushed. “I’m going to get Emiko to bed. I’ll be right back.”


She only nodded, watching him scoop the little girl up in his arms and carry her to his room. She stirred as he laid her down on the futon, eyes fluttering open as he pulled the blanket up over her. “Kenji?”


“Yeah, it’s me, kiddo.”


“I’m sorry for scaring mom.”


“She was just worried about you. She wants to make sure you’re safe.”


“I just wanted to see you. You haven’t been home in a long time.”


“Well, I’m here now, right?”


“Mhmm.” She paused, squeezing his hand. “Is that girl special?”


A smile quirked his lips. “To me? Yes.”


“Do you love her? Like daddy loves mommy?”


He chuckled, smoothing some of her hair back off her forehead. “Yeah, Emiko. I think so. But I haven’t told her yet.”


“Why not?”


“I just don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.”


The young girl thought about that for a moment. “Okay!”


“Okay. Do you wanna go to sleep now?”




“Okay.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to her foreahead. “Goodnight.”


“Goodnight. Love you.”


“I love you, too.”


Turning the light out he exited the room, sliding the door shut behind him. But before he could take two steps back into the living room, Kyouka was right in front of him, arms around his neck. He startled but didn’t push her away. “H-hi.”




“Whatcha doing?”


“Mmmm…” She pondered it, then looked u at him with a cheeky smile. “Just saying hi.”


“Is that all? Seems like you want something to me.”


“A kiss?”


With a chuckle he leant to kiss her, smiling against her lips. From that point it didn’t take long for the two of them to end up back in the living room, with Kyouka on his lap on the couch, hands travelling a little bit more than they were used to while they kissed.


Special had definitely been the right word, he thought. He could describe her with a thousand words, but none of them would ever be able to exactly describe how he felt about her. And that was okay. After all, the label doesn’t matter. As long as he had her, he was happy. Why name something that doesn’t need to be named? Something so complex can’t be put down to one name without its importance being diminished, without dimming the light. So maybe he didn’t understand exactly what this feeling was. Maybe it was love, and that would be his best guess, but it was also so much else.


After all, he was still young. They both were. There was so much going on and so much ahead of them… and it was okay if he didn’t understand. Because he would one day.


And he would wait for however long it would take.  

Chapter Text

It wasn’t hard for Kenji to rouse Emiko the next morning—she was excited to go back to the office and talk to the “exciting city folk.” He’d only laughed as he brought her to the kitchen and made her breakfast, sitting across from her as she chowed down on her eggs. She asked a million questions, just as she had the day before, only some of which he could answer with his limited knowledge of technology.


Eventually she seemed satisfied with his answers, which of course would only be temporary. Taking advantage of the brief reprieve he went and changed and brushed his teeth before sitting across from her once more. She looked up at him as she finished the last of her eggs. “Thank you!”


“You’re welcome,” he chuckled, pushing her plate to the side. “You’re excited, I see.”




“Just remember that everyone in the office does have to work, and that includes me.”


“But that’s no fun!”


“We work on the farm back home every day, Emiko.”


“But that’s fun! Here you sit and click those little buttons that make that thingy light up all weird.”


He couldn’t help but laugh despite the fact that he would’ve thought the same thing a year ago. “That thing is called a computer. The buttons let me write on it.”


She quirked her head. “But there’s no pencil.”


“You don’t need one. It writes inside the screen.”


“Woahhhhh. Will you show me?”


“Of course, I’ll show you. On one condition.”


She pushed out her bottom lip. “What is it?”


“You have to let me get some work done.”


Emiko remained quiet for a minute, contemplating his offer. “Fine. I can sit quiet.”


Kenji stood, taking her plate to the sink, nodding to himself with pursed lips. She said she would, but he knew she wouldn’t. She was too much like him that way, excitable and curious. When he was younger he’d practically bounce of the walls and she took after him that way. No way would he get anything done, and likely neither would anyone else for that matter.


After wiping his hands on a tea towel, he turned to Emiko. “Ready to go, kiddo?”


She jumped up and raced to the door, practically jumping into her sandals. “Yep!”


Laughing, he followed her out the door, pulling it shut behind him.




As he expected, Emiko was incapable of siting still for more than five minutes. Just when she’d settled down next to him, something got her attention and she jumped up once again. Once it was Ranpo opening a fancy snack, another time it was Kunikida nearly strangling Dazai, and then Yosano sharpening her blades in the infirmary.


Kenji did his best to keep her in check, but there wasn’t much that worked. She was adamant on making her rounds around the room, visiting each and every one of his coworkers. But they didn’t seem to mind as much as he thought they did—even Kunikida seemed to love her. She’d tugged on his sleeve early in the morning, peering up at him with big eyes and asking what he was doing. Kunikida had turned to her with a smile and told her he was finding bad guys. He didn’t even seem phased when she asked if he was going to hog tie them and toss them off a cliff—likely because he’d gotten the shock out of his system when Kenji told him the first time. Instead he shook his head and said he’d fight them with his notebook, pulling it out of his vest and showing it to her. She didn’t ask about the front, but instead about what it did. And that’s how she ended up with a stuffed cow in her little arms, running around the office while Kunikida smiled to himself.


Next had been Dazai, who she toddled up to and simply watched for a moment. When he turned to look at her she giggled and poked his arm. “Why do you have so many bandages, mister?”


“I’m practicing to play a mummy in a play.”


She giggled even more. “No, you’re not.”


He feigned offense, clutching his chest. “But I am! A mummy is a very important role, you know.”


“Mummy’s are covered in their face too!”


“Ah, you got me! It’s actually to keep kiddos like you safe from my super strong ability!”


She gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. “What is it?”


He leaned closer to her. “Can you keep a secret?”




“Good. The truth is, my ability makes a super strong wind come out of my arms and legs. But I don’t want it to blow you away, so I have to cover it up.”


“Wow, that’s so cool!”


“I know, but you can’t tell the others, okay? They still think I’m practicing to be a mummy.”


Emiko nodded vigorously up at Dazai, then pretended to zip her lips. “I won’t tell!”


He smiled as she skipped away, ending up in front of Ranpo’s desk. She pressed her hands onto the desk and tried to jump up to see him, which only made him smile. He stood and picked her up, placing her on the desk. She looked between him and Poe, who watched her warily. To his horror, she leaned towards him and stuck her hand out. He flinched, but Karl jumped into her lap and she squealed.


“It’s so cute!! What’s its name?”


Poe blinked at her in shock. “H-his name is Karl.”


“Karl, you’re so cute!” He nuzzled her. “Good boy, Karl.”


Happily petting the raccoon, she looked to Ranpo. “You have a lot of fancy snacks.”


“Thank you for noticing. I’m very proud of my collection.”


Yosano snorted from where she walked past, but Emiko wasn’t paying attention to her. “You’re welcome! I think it’s cool!”


“Do you want to try something?”




He chuckled as she looked up at her with big eyes. “Sure! How about a special candy that changes colour!”


“You can do that?”


“Yeah! It’s really cool. Wanna make one with me?”




“Don’t steal it from her after,” Kyouka chided, causing Ranpo to glare at her, much to Kenji and Kunikida’s amusement.


Ranpo showed her step by step how to make the special candy and she followed along, checking with him to make sure she did it right. Her eyes lit up when it changed colour and she held it up to the light. “Woah.”


“Now eat it! It tastes as good as it looks, I promise.”


“You sure?”


“Uh huh!”


Tentatively she brought it to her mouth, taking a bite of the round candy. Her head whipped up with a smile, startling Poe. “It does taste good!”


“I told you it would.”


With a smile she hopped off the desk and wandered over to Kenji, holding it up to him. “Look, look! It changed colour!”


“Wow, that’s cool, Emi. Do you like it?”


“It’s yummy. Do you wanna try it?”


“No thank you. You enjoy it.”


She shook her head, pushing it closer to him. “I want you to try it.”


He hesitated, but realizing both Emiko and Kyouka watched him, he took a small bite of it. “Mmm. It’s good.”


That seemed to appease her and she gobbled down the rest with a smile. “What are you doing now?”


“I’m still working.”


“Okay, I’ll go find something fun!”


“No, Emik—” He sighed as she ran across the room again, tilting his head back.


Yosano chuckled from where she sat diagonally to him. “Let her be. She’s just having fun.”


“I just don’t want her bothering everyone when they’re trying to work.”


“Relax, everyone loves her. It’s not a big deal, even Kunikida took a few minutes to play with her.”


“He’s practicing,” joked Junichiro.


“Yeah, pretty much.”


“I wonder if Haruno’s talked to her yet,” Kenji pondered, typing away absently.


“I don’t think you’ll have to much longer.”




He glanced up, following Yosano’s gaze across to where Emiko played with Lucy’s long braids. She picked them up and watched them swing behind the girl’s back, which caused Lucy to laugh at the odd topic of the kid’s curiosity. But in the doorway stood Haruno, who crossed over to the pair and crouched down to Emiko’s height.


The blond girl turned to her and quirked her head. “You’re pretty.”


Haruno smiled wide, eyes sparkling. “Well, aren’t you precious. Emiko, right?”


She nodded. “Yep!”


“You look just like your brother, you know that?”


“Mom says Kenji looks just like me.”


Yosano laughed as Kenji made a face and held his hands out, mouthing ‘I’m ten years older than you.’


“Well she’s right. He does.”


‘Oh, c’mon.’


Emiko poked her cheeks. “Look, we even have the same freckles.”


“You do,” chuckled Haruno. “Do you know what they say about feckles?”


She shook her head, hair swinging back and forth. “Nope.”


Haruno booped her nose. “They say that freckles are angel kisses, so they’re very special.”


The young girl’s face lit up. “Really? They’re special?”


“Mhmm, very special.”


Her smile spread from ear to ear, cheeks rosy from running around the office all morning. “M’kay! I’ll take good care of them.”


She skipped away again and Haruno stood, watching her with a beaming face. When she looked away, she found that Kunikida watched her, equally as happy as she was. She crossed to him and he took her hands, gazing up at her. She chuckled. “What?”


“You’re gunna be a great mom.”


She flushed, looking away. “You don’t know that.”


Haruno glanced down when she felt hands on her still-flat stomach. Kunikida was gentle, simply placing them there for a moment. “I do know that. You’ll be fantastic.”


Tearing up, she leant down and kissed him before she could cry, cursing her hormones. He kissed her back as if he didn’t notice, watching her fondly as she headed back to the other clerks.


In the meantime, Emiko had wandered over to the lump of blanket and computer equipment that was Katai. She watched the futon move soundlessly in confusion, then turned to Kunikida. “Who’s that.”


“That’s Yoshiko.”


“His name is Yoshiko?”


He glanced over his shoulder. “Oh, the guy underneath?” She nodded. “That’s Katai.” Dazai snorted and Emiko turned back to the jjumble.


She approached him, pulling on the corner of his futon. Then a scruffy head popped out, looking down at her. “Hello.”


“Is your power being half man and half bed?”


Kenji choked on his water, spluttering at her. “Emiko!”




He watched Kunikida and Dazai both laughing at their desks and shook his head. “He’s just more comfortable under his futon.”


“Oh.” She turned back to Katai. “Sorry, mister.”


“It’s okay. I wish I was half-bed.”


She giggled and turned away, running over to where Atsushi stood next to Junichiro’s desk, leaning against it with a cup of coffee. Atsushi looked down at her and ruffled her hair. “Did you have fun with my tiger yesterday?”


She nodded enthusiastically. “It was soft! And fluffy!”


“Yeah, he is fluffy isn’t he?”


“Mhmm. He’s cute. I want a pet tiger.”


Atsushi laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. They’re really big and their claws are really sharp.”


“Is that why your hair’s all funny?”


Junichiro snorted, turning away. Atsushi smacked him out if Emiko’s view. “Yeah. The tiger didn’t want my hair to look normal.”


Jun laughed harder, only to get smacked again and laugh so hard no sound came out. Yosano watched in amusement. “It’s okay though, because we like the tiger better.”


“Me too!”


Atsushi scowled, glaring at Yosano over his shoulder. Emiko then took in interest in Jun’s laptop and tried to jump to see what he was working on. When he settled his laughter, he turned to look at her. “You trying to look at my computer?”


“Yeah. Kenji has one, too. I don’t believe him that you can write in it.”


He chuckled. “Do you wanna watch and see? I’ll show you what it does.”


“You will?”


“Yeah, sure. C’mere.” He lifted her up onto his lap, where she sat and watched as he typed a few simple sentences in hiragana. Entranced, she asked him to show her more and he did what he could with one hand, the other around her side to make sure she didn’t fall.


While they waited for something to load on the Agency’s slow wifi, Emiko turned to look at him. She poked his earring and then the silver hairpin. She pinched some red strands between her fingers. “Your hair is pretty.”




“I said your hair is pretty.”


“Oh, uh, thank you.”


“We don’t have any red-heads in our village,” said Kenji, leaning towards them.


“Ah.” He thought about that for a moment, then chuckled. “She’d get a kick out of Chuuya then.”


“Heh, yeah.”


Finally the screen loaded and the two turned back to the task at hand, with Jun explaining in the simplest terms he could. Emiko paid attention completely, incredibly interested in this magic machine. Kenji took a deep breath, relieved that she’d finally sat still for more than five minutes. He loved her to death, but she was very uppity. Of course, so was he at that age. Suddenly, he felt bad for his parents. Dealing with two hyper children along with their brothers couldn’t have been easy. They all had their challenges.


It was at that thought that the door opened and he recognized the sheriff from his village entering the room. Behind him entered a young woman, her light brown hair pinned up in a bun and her very pregnant belly drawing attention to her short torso. All eyes were on the two of them, including Emiko, who immediately jumped off of Jun’s lap and sprinted for the door.




“Emiko!” She scooped the girl up in her arms, kissing her head. “Oh my goodness, you can’t scare me like that. Please don’t ever do that again, I was so worried.”


“I’m sorry, Mommy.”


“It’s okay, honey. Just don’t do it again, okay?”


The girl nodded as she was set down and her mom’s attention turned to her son walking toward her. He was nearly as tall as her but not quite, and she tugged him into a hug as soon as he was in reach. “Oh, Kenji, honey, I’ve missed you so much!”


He leant his head against her, expecting the kiss she pressed to his temple. “I missed you, too, Mom.”


She let him go, holding him at an arm’s length. “My boy, are they working you too hard? You’ve lost weight!”


His eyes widened and he stammered before getting out a coherent sentence. “N-no, no! It’s fine, they’re taking good care of me. Don’t worry.”


Kenji’s mom’s statement had flown over the heads of many, but Kyouka sat at her desk, puzzling over it. She replayed it over and over in her head and the woman fussed over her son (much to his embarrassment), taking a careful look at her boyfriend from across the room. Had he lost weight? It was hard for her to tell when she saw him every day, but she was sure that if his mother had noticed enough of a difference to immediately comment on it, there must have been enough of a difference. She scrunched her brows, scrutinizing him. Sure, he was thin, but was he smaller than he previously was? It was hard to tell, what with the somewhat baggy overalls he wore to work.


His mom ruffled his hair and spoke to him in the same accent she’d noticed the previous night. But she didn’t pay attention to what she said, too wrapped up in her thoughts. As much as she wanted to shake it off she just couldn’t. Had he really lost that much?


There was no way. He ate with her at least once every day. She watched him. She’d been the one to help him eat more regularly. So then… what? How? She chewed on her lip, caught up in the possibilities of the situation until Kenji’s voice got her attention.


“Earth to Kyouka?”


“Huh? Oh, sorry, Kenji.”


He raised a brow at her but said nothing, waving her over. “I want you to meet my mom.”


She nodded with a small smile, pushing back her chair and heading for the door, She stopped beside Kenji in front of his mom and bowed her head. “It’s nice to meet you, Miyazawa-san.”


“Oh, please, call me Mom.”


She froze in place and Kenji made an unnatural noise in his throat. While his brain seemed to short-circuit, Kyouka thought it over quick. As innocently as she had meant it, it was definitely a sore spot for her, not having parents of her own. And Kenji knew it, which was likely why he’d seemed to choke on nothing but air. But on the other hand, she was trying to be welcoming, just like Kenji and his sister. And I would be nice, she thought, to have another mother-figure in her life. She sort of had two already, what was one more?


Kyouka smiled back at her. “If you insist.”


Kenji stared at her while his mom beamed back at her, then seemed to remember something urgent. She turned behind her to a mysterious box on the floor which had holes carved out of it. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, but he wasn’t quite sure why. All he could think was oh no.


She opened the side of the box and then, to everyone’s surprise, she pulled out a fully-white bunny. A baby, too. Kenji’s face flushed beat red as he stared at the squirming creature with wide eyes. “Mom,” he hissed. “W—what are you doing? You—you can’t do that!”


“Nonsense, darling,” she said, holding the bunny out to Kyouka. “This is for you, hun.”


Kyouka blinked at it in awe, then took it in her arms, staring down at it with her bottom lip out. “Thank you. It’s so cute. What’s its name?”


The woman shrugged. “Her name is up to you.”


She glanced up, her eyes shining. “Really? Are you sure?”


“Of course.”


Kenji stared incredulously at his mom. “Why did you… why?”


“Well I had to welcome Kyouka to the family somehow and you told me she liked bunnies.”


“Oh my God,” he said, though it came out as more of a whispered scream. “Mom!”


“What? She’s awful important to you, Kenji, it was imperative.”


“A rabbit?”


“You should have known that, we do it at home all the time. You give an animal to a couple and then see if they—”


His eyes nearly bugged out of his head and his next words came out in a hushed, frantic stream. “Shh, no, stop, stop, they don’t do that here.”


“Oh, Kenji, come on, hun. It’s fine.”


He glanced across the room to where Ranpo and Dazai tried to stifle their laughter and Atsushi and Junichiro turned into each other to hide the fact that they were laughing. “No, it’s not, it’s different here.”


“How so? How can you judge a couple?”


“You don’t. They don’t, that’s not a thing here.”


“But if you’re going to be a couple we need to know if you’ll be able to raise a child.”




Kyouka watched them in confusion while Atsushi and Junichiro laughed hard enough that they had to use each other for balance. It reminded her of seals clapping just with no noise coming out. On the other hand, snorts and hushed laughing came out of Dazai and Ranpo, as well as a few other agents who seemed to take pleasure in Kenji’s sheer horror at his mom’s implications.


She turned and instead looked up at the young woman. “Thank you for the bunny. I’ll take really good care of her, I promise.”


“I hope so,” she replied, leaning forward. “I have high hopes for you, my dear.”




Kenji’s mom straightened, her face glowing as she smiled. She then turned her attention to Yosano as she came forward, clasping her hands in front of her. “Hello, Miyazawa-san. I’m Yosano. We spoke on the phone.”


“Oh, yes. You’re a doctor, correct?”


“Yes. If you’ll come with me to the infirmary, I’ll take a look at you and see if I can help you out.”


“Of course. Lead the way.”


Yosano nodded and headed out to the infirmary, the clicking of her heels and sliding of the woman’s sandals clashing as the sounds bounced off the walls.


Kyouka headed back to her desk, as did Kenji. But he stopped on the way, coming up beside the two chuckleheads he called his brothers and smacked the both of them. “I hate you both so much right now.” That only caused them to laugh harder.


He sat back down at his desk and opened his laptop in an attempt to ignore the craziness that was his family being in the city. However, it didn’t work for long. Within two minutes, he heard Emiko’s bare feet pattering over the floor to Kyouka. She patted the bunny, then ran a tiny finger over the sleek fur on its back.


“You got a bunny.”


Kyouka didn’t look up, too entranced by the rabbit. “Mhmm.”


“That’s good.”


“Mhmm. It is.”


“Does that mean you two are gunna get married then?”


Kenji groaned, burying his head in his arms on his desk. “Oh my god…”


There was a brief silence where Kyouka didn’t even look up, let alone speak. He wished the floor would swallow him whole, cheeks burning more than they had before. But then he heard her shift and felt her gorgeous blue eyes staring at him.


He heard the smile in her laugh when she spoke. “Hopefully one day.”


Kenji nearly gasped as his head whipped up, eyes shining as he blinked at her in disbelief. “Really?”




Blushing now for an entirely different reason, he looked down at his desk, unable to stop the smile that spread on his face. “Wow.”


“Don’t sound so surprised, Kenji,” she said.


“I just…” He looked down at himself and then across at her. “Me?”


“Yes, you,” she laughed.


“Does that mean you’ll be having a baby like mommy soon, too?”


“Nope.” Kenji jumped up and hauled her over his shoulder, carrying her from the room.


Kyouka smiled as the rest of the room laughed, specifically Atsushi and Jun, who burst into contagious laughter as they had before. She laughed lightly alone with them, blushing as he had. She wasn’t sure exactly where he was taking her but his embarrassment was funny either way. And cute, too. It was endearing to see him so flustered about thigs when it came to her.


At hearing Kenji and Emiko bickering in the hallway, the whole room burst into laughter, with Jun and Atsushi the loudest of them all. Evidently, also loud enough for Kenji to be in earshot.


“I can still hear you, two! You’re going to get it later!”


That still didn’t make them stop, though.  

Chapter Text

Yosano shut the door behind her, showing Kenji’s mom to an examination table near the infirmary desk. She pulled out the step stool for her to use, watching as she gingerly hoisted herself onto the table.


“I really appreciate you doing this for me. However, I should tell you before you start that I don’t have any… Kenji told me about it. Instead of trading you use another system?”


“Oh, money.”


“Yes, money. I don’t have any, but I’m sure I could find a way to get some.”


“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said Yosano, waving her off as she rifled around on her desk.


“Are you sure? It’s the least I can do to repay you for taking care of my son while he’s away from home.”


Yosano glanced up at her as she slipped forms onto her clipboard. “Your son is a wonderful kid, he’s no trouble at all. We all love him here.”


“Well, I’m glad to hear that.”


Yosano nodded as she picked the clipboard up and perched on the edge of her stool, resting the forms on her crossed legs. Pen poised, she looked up at the young woman before her. “Are you ready to begin, Miyazawa-san?”


“Oh please, call me Sora.”


“Alright—Sora, are you ready to begin?”


“I am.”


“Perfect. I have some basic medical history questions to ask you before we get into the specifics of why you are here.”




“Could you state your name and address for me?”


“Miyazawa Sora, from Ihatov, Iwate Pefecture.”


“Your address?”


“We don’t have a numbered address like you do here.”


Yosano hummed. “Alright… and how old are you?”


“I’m 30.”


Her pen stopped on the page as she blinked down at it, then looked back up at Sora. “I’m sorry, could you say that again?”


“I’m 30 years-old. Why, do I look much older? I don’t wear makeup.”


“No, no,” Yosano insisted, waving her hands. “I just didn’t expect you to be so young. Your oldest son is fourteen.”


Sora nodded, staring at her blankly. “Yes. Is there a problem with that?”


“No, not at all. It’s just not common for a woman to start having children at 16-years of age.”


The woman chuckled, her blue eyes lighting up. “Oh, it is where I’m from. We get married young and have kids young. Well, young by your standards, I suppose. If you don’t mind me asking, Yosano-sensei, how old are you?”


“I’m 25.”


She raised her brows. “Oh, hun. I’d been married ten years and had three children by your age.. Yosano stared at her with wide eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry, I assumed. Do you have a husband or kids?”


“No,” she said, finally processing. “No, I don’t have a husband, but I do have a boyfriend. He also works here.”


“The nice-looking blond man sitting beside the girl with the braids?”


“Oh no, the dark-haired detective at the back.”


“The one with the raccoon?”


“No, the shorter one beside him. Probably had some candy in his mouth.”


She nodded. “Yes, I believe he did. So you have no children then?”


“Not biologically,” she said with a smile. “The younger ones here, including Kyouka and Kenji, I consider my kids. I really hope I’m not overstepping my bounds.”


“Oh of course not! After all, it takes a village to raise a child.”


“Or five?”


“Or five,” Sora laughed in agreement. “Do you wish to have kids one day?”


Yosano looked down at the tiles beneath her feet. “One day. But I’m not ready yet.”


“Can I give you some advice?”


“Hmm? I… Sure.”


“If you wait until the perfect time, you’ll never get there. There will never be a perfect time to have a baby. But I promise you, they’re a blessing. Each and every one of them.”


A smile spread across Yosano’s face, slowly but surely. “Thank you.” She paused, scribbling her age down on the page. “Um… Sora, do you know what Autism is?”


“I can’t say that I do. Why?”


“My boyfriend has it… And I’ve seen some of the things he’s struggled with. So, I’m worried that if we have a kid…”


“That your kid will also struggle?”




“Everyone is going to struggle with something. But, he’s fine, isn’t he? He’s doing okay?”


“Well, yeah. I just… I don’t want them to get picked on or be discriminated against because they’re different.”


“I don’t know exactly what this… disability… is, but I can tell you this. It is not your kid’s problem if other people are being awful to them, that’s those people’s faults. As long as you are there for them, they won’t be alone.”


“You really think so?”


She nodded, brushing some hair that came out of her bun behind her ear. “Of course. You don’t think badly of your boyfriend so I assume you wouldn’t of your child either.”


“No, of course not!”


“You love your children regardless of the challenges that may come with them. I mean, I have four sons. Boys can be rambunctious. And one has an ability, which was hard to control at first, especially when he was younger. Kenji would run around with cows over his head like it was nothing… Come to think of it, I think that may be why our neighbour believes she’s senile.”


Yosano covered her mouth with a hand as she laughed. “He used to run around with the cows over his head?”


“Oh yes. And I believe it was more scarring for the cows than it was for our poor neighbour. Not to mention that boy’s crazy eating schedule. He’d work all day and then eat a full day’s worth at night before bed, then do it all again the next day.”


Yosano pursed her lips. “That couldn’t have been sustainable.”


“Oh, it’s not. We tried to get him to eat during the day instead, which he did, but he always insisted he wasn’t as useful. Of course, that wasn’t true, but he’s as stubborn as his father.”


“Sora… has Kenji ever had any other problems with eating?”


“What do you mean?”


“Has he ever not forgone eating for any length of time in order to work?”


“Of course he has. Poor thing works himself to the bone at home. It’s as if he thinks he’ll be punished for that ability of his, because he can’t work if he eats.”


Yosano jotted that down in the margins of the paper, followed by measures worth by how helpful he is, and underlined it. “Anything else?”


Sora squinted at her. “Wait, why are you asking me this? Is he okay?”


“No, no, nothing in particular necessarily! Kyouka has been making sure he’s eating. You just said he’d lost weight, that’s all.”


“Oh, he has for sure! At least 20 kilos! That’s why I asked him if he was working too hard.”


“Well, it has been just over a year he’s been with us. That’s not an unhealthy amount to lose in a year. However, he was quite thin to begin with.”


“Yosano-sensei, are you worried about my son?”


She hesitated, trying to think of the best way to word this. “I’m just checking up on him. His ability obviously restricts his diet, so I wanted to check with you about it.”


Sora watched her momentarily before looking away. “If that’s all it is.”


“It is. Now… Back to you. Can you tell me what’s brought you in?”


“I’ve been bleeding and having abdominal pain. I’ve also had an abnormal amount of back pain.”


Yosano nodded alone as she scrawled out the woman’s answer. “And when did these symptoms start?”


“About three days ago?”


“Hmmm… Have you fallen or been hit with anything recently?”


“I took a tumble while feeding the cows the other morning.”


“Did you land on your stomach?”


“No, but I did feel a lot of strain there.”


Yosano nodded again, tapping the pen against her lips. “How much bleeding have you noticed?”


“I’m not sure exactly how much, but there has been more the last two days than there was the first day… Yosano, am I going to lose my baby?”


“No, Sora, I think your baby is perfectly fine. It’s okay, I don’t think it’s anything life-threatening… But I will have to examine you to confirm my suspicions.”


“Your suspicions?” She shrunk away from Yosano. “What do you think is wrong?”


“I think you might have what’s called a placental abruption. It’s what we call it when the placenta separates either partially or completely from the uterine wall.”


“Is it… is it dangerous?”


“That depends on how much it has separated. However, if it is serious I can help you deliver the baby so that no harm comes to either of you. Does that sound okay?”


Sora nodded, gulping as she watched Yosano. “Okay.”


“How many weeks are you?”




She nodded. “Perfect. If need be, we can deliver the baby today.”


“And if you don’t need to?”


“I’d like to keep you for observation to see if your condition improves.”


“Okay. Well then… what do you need to do?”


“I need to examine your stomach and uterus as best I can.”


“That’s it?”


“That’s it. Now, if you could lay down for me…” She helped Sora lie down on the observation table, then pulled on some latex gloves, hovering over her. “Are you ready?”




Listen Up, Fuckers


Thursday, 1:10 pm



NotmyNeko sent an image (Kenji is on his tiptoes trying to strangle Jun and failing while the other boy laughs).


NotmyNeko: peep Kenji trying to kill Jun


Noticemesenpai: what did he possibly do to provoke that


Stopsignsgobrr: shut up Atsushi you’re next


Bandades_and_Babes: wtf is going on


GremlinwaKnife: idk but its chaotic so I like it


EmoAsthmatic: 🤦🏽‍♂️


UpforStabs: youre chaotic


GremlinwaKnife: yes and?


FuckityFuck: what could Jun have possibly done?


NotmyNeko: we laughed at Kenji while his mom was embarrassing the fuck out of him


Stopsignsgobrr: it wasn’t funny


ElectricBoogaloo: yes it was


Stopsignsgobrr: 😒


AngryChuuyaNoises: what did she do


GeronimoStilton: ^


AccidentallyDad: oh nothing just insinuated he and Kyouka were going to get married


Shithead: and gave Kyouka a bunny to welcome her to the family


Noticemesenpai: wtf why


Ginge: so they could practice raising a challenge. Apparently she has high hopes for her. And emiko thinks they’re gunna have a baby


Stopsignsgobrr: SHUT YOUR FACE


Ginge: mAKE ME


AngryChuuyaNoises: wow that’s uh… that’s something


Stopsignsgobrr: OI DON’T INSULT MY MOM


AngryChuuyaNoises: IM NOT


Hermit: he might’ve been


AccidentallyDad: this is why nobody loves you


Hermit: yeah ik


Hermit: don’t rub it in


Accidentallydad: ????


GremlinwaKnife: so is Dazai gunna have to change Kyoukas name to accidentallymom now?


UpforStabs: @ElectricBoogaloo ill kill you


ElectricBoogaloo: I wouldn’t subject poor Kyouka to that she was dragged into this


Stopsignsgobrr: well this is humiliating


GremlinwaKnife: how about ForcedtobeMom


NotmyNeko: no no that sounds like assault


Stopsignsgobrr: will you all stop already omg


UpforStabs: no <3


Stopsignsgobrr: 😭


UpforStabs: relax babe I like your mom


Ithinknot: good bc she clearly likes you


Shithead: not Atsushi snorting coffee out his nose


NotmyNeko: IT BURNS


Stopsignsgobrr: serves u right u furry


NotmyNeko: IM NOT A FURRY 😭




EmoAsthmatic: welp I guess he’s gunna be wearing a coffee cooured shirt from now on


Noticemesenpai: what not gunna buy your bf a new shirt w ur crazy salary


EmoAsthmatic: he can buy his own


NotmyNeko: Im broke 😭


Acidentallydad: literally how


NotmyNeko: I bought Kyouka more crepes


Bandades_and_Babes: u fucking moron


EmoAsthmatic: I have no sympathy for u


NotmyNeko: shes a crepe fiend help me


UpforStabs: >:)


GremlinwaKnife: no.


UpforStabs: >:)?


GremlinwaKnife: I will find you


GremlinwaKnife: and I will kill u


UpforStabs: have fun finding me


Ginge: im not hiding you


UpforStabs: OH CMON


Stopsignsgobrr: ill just yeet her


EmoAsthmatic: just punt her


Bandades_and_Babes: uh no??


GremlinwaKnife: do it pussy


Stopsignsgobrr: sorry I think ur mixing up me and Atsushi again




Stopsignsgobrr: FIGHT ME


NotmyNeko: no youll kick my ass


Shadowbanned: omfg


AngryChuuyaNoises; I mean that’s fair lol


GremlinwaKnife: pussy


NotmyNeko: Gin T-T


Ginge: OuCh


Ginge: ThAt HuRt My FeElInGs


NotmyNeko: stfu


Ginge: no


Bandades_and_Babes: Kenji why is your Mom here anyway


Shadowbanned: to get his sister…


Bandades_and_Babes: shut up im stupid okay


GremlinwaKnife: u got that right


Sugardaddy: ruthless


Stopsignsgobrr: well that and she’s pregnant and needed Yosano to take a look at her


FuckityFuck: why is there so much talk about babies


FRICKINLEMONS: right?? And I cant even get a partner!


Hermit: amen to that


FRICKINLEMONS: oh Kouyouuuuuuuu


FuckityFuck: no


FRICKINLEMONS: oh cmon im not that bad


FuckityFuck: still no


FRICKINLEMONS: am I really that ugly??


Bandades_and_Babes: yes


FRICKINLEMONS: shut up Tachi u get no say ur gf isn’t even ur gf


Bandades_and_Babes: THAT WAS UNECESSARY


GremlinwaKnif: so is your exisence yet here u are


EmoAsthmatic: funny I thought the same thing about you


Ginge: funny I thought the same thing about me


GremlinwaKnife: nO


Ginge: lol


FuckityFuck: no Kajii its not that u moron


FRICKINLEMONS: so u don’t think im ugly? Then what is it?


FuckityFuck: im a lesbian u stupid fuck


UpforStabs: language


FuckityFuck: oh don’t u start




Shithead: “oh”


AccidentallyDad: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Sugardaddy: wow


FuckityFuck: sorry hun but if youre not a woman I don’t want you


Noticemesenpai: she only likes the pussy


GremlinwaKnife: there u go Atsushi


NotmyNeko: fuck u


ElectricBoogaloo: look another one for u to worry about @EmoAsthmatic


EmoAsthmatic: oh god not more of them


Ginge: >:)


Ithinknot: >:)


FuckityFuck: >:)


EmoAsthmatic: noooooooo


NotmyNeko: youre a moron


Noticemesenpai: ur only just noticing this now


NotmyNeko: no ive known this all along but I chose to ignore it


GremlinwaKnife: poor decision on your part really


NotmyNeko: yeah im starting to see that


Ginge: PFFT


EmoAsthmatic: rude Jinko


NotmyNeko: eyeliner.


EmoAsthmatic: NO


NotmyNeko: 😂


FuckityFuck: okay but no really why is there so much talk about babies


AngryChuuyaNoises: 🥺


ElectricBoogaloo: no


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😞


GeronimoStilton: oh cmon Dazai at least consider it


ElectricBoogaloo: I have and ive concluded id be a terrible father next question pls


Shadowbanned: I don’t think thats true


ElectricBoogaloo: ask Akutagawa


Bandades_and_Babes: which one


ElectricBoogaloo: either it doesn’t matter


GremlinwaKnife: I was like eleven u think I remember that


UpforStabs: Gin youre seventeen


GremlinwaKnife: shut it


ElectricBoogaloo: other Akutagawa?


EmoAsthmatic: don’t drag me into this


EmoAsthmatic: I refrain


AccidentallyDad: finally somebody does


Stopsignsgobrr: ^^


AngryChuuyaNoises: but… a baby.


ElectricBoogaloo: but… no.


Noticemesenpai: hes pouting


AngryChuuyaNoises: wtf Gin






GremlinwaKnife: so are u uwu


EmoAsthmatic: DON’T U UWU ME


GreminwaKnife: UWU


Ginge: oh no she uwud him


EmoAsthmatic: shut up


Ginge: no


Ginge: this is payback for pulling me into your makeout session


NotmyNeko: stoppppp


Ginge: u don’t get to complain ur asshole is broken




AccidentallyDad: so u admit that it was broken


NotmyNeko: Kunikida-san


Noticemesenpai: why do u wanna know


AccidentallyDad: idek why I asked tbh


FRICKINLEMONS: I can make it worse give me twenty minutes and a lemon




Ginge: lol asshole go boom


NotmyNeko: nO


Ginge: 😂


Stopsignsgobrr: the asshole destroyer—lemon party 2.0


NotmyNeko: oh not you too!!

GremlinwaKnife: wait then what was lemon party 1.0


EmoAsthmatic: my dick




EmoAsthmatic: u fucked my boyfriend?


GremlinwaKnife: oh look another one


Ginge: >:)


Ithinknot: >:)


FuckityFuck: >:)




EmoAsthmatic: NOOO


NotmyNeko: so protective


Noticemesenpai: no we couldn’t tell


Ginge: bc the hickeys weren’t proof enough


FuckityFuck: looked like Chuuya after Dazai’s done with him


AngryChuuyaNoises: Ane-san!


AccidentallyDad: that goes two ways tbf


AccidentallyDad: and Jun u shouldn’t be talking


Ginge: whoops gotta split


NotmyNeko: oh no u don’t. I saw Naomi yesterday


Ginge: those weren’t on her neck…


UpforStabs: oh god


Noticemesenpai: run


Shadowbanned: run before he kills you


EmoAsthmatic: Oh not her too!!


GremlinwaKnife: LMAO


NotmyNeko: no she was showing Haruno and a few other clerks and I walked in


Ginge: …




Bandades_and_Babes: THE definition of a yandere


Ginge: stfu


Bandades_and_Babes: are u gunna tell me that im wrong??


NotmyNeko: no ur absolutely right


Ginge: run


NotmyNeko: running




A while later, Yosano returned from the infirmary with Sora. Yosano went back to her desk while Sora approached her kids, smiling when she saw Emiko sitting on Kenji’s knee while he showed her something on his computer. As she approached, Kyouka looked up at her, which alerted her kids.


Emiko held her arms up and she took her in her arms. “How’s my girl doing today?”


“’M good! This place is a lot of fun!”


“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, but I hope you’re not causing them any trouble.”


“No trouble at all,” said Kunikida, waving up at Emiko. She waved back.


“Well, I’m glad she’s not. How about this one,” she asked, poking Kenji in the back of the neck.


“He’s not causing trouble either.”


“Except for the curse words he’s picked up from us,” murmured Jun, jokingly.


But to his surprise, Sora smacked Kenji up the back of the head. “Kenji! No swearing! You know better.”


He shot Jun a sidelong glance, silently cursing him. Then he looked over his shoulder at his mom, bring a hand to rub the back of his head. “Sorry, Mom.”


“You best be. No foul language please.”


“Dad swears all the time at home, though.”


“Yes, well, that’s your dad. He has a right foul mouth at times.”


Kenji once again glanced at Jun as if daring him to say something about the chat. He stayed silent, eyes wide as he turned back to his laptop. Kenji turned back to his mom. “I guess that’s true.”


“Now, Yosano-sensei wants me to stay here for a while, so you better keep that mouth of yours clean until I leave because god knows you won’t once I’m gone.”


Junichiro and Yosano snickered into their fists and Kenji blew air out his cheeks. “Is everything okay?”


“Yes, everything’s fine. But just to be safe, I’m going to stay for a few days, so I’ll be around.”


“We get to stay?” Emiko asked, beaming.


“Only for a few more days.”


“Well, I’m okay with that,” said Kenji, genuinely smiling. “But my apartment is a little small for three people.”


“She’ll be staying in the infirmary,” Yosano announced. “For the nights at least.”


“Are you sure, Yosano? I’m sure I could make some room somehow.”


“No, it’s okay, really,” Sora insisted. “I’ll be fine here, Kenji.”


“If you’re sure.”


“I am.”


Across from him, Kyouka cleared her throat, drawing their attention. “Does that mean you are okay to leave during the day?”


“I believe so,” she said, looking to Yosano, who nodded. “Why, Kyouka? Do you have something in mind.”


“Well… you’re new to the city and uh…” She couldn’t think of a way to say she was worried about Kenji and felt bad about not noticing without worrying his mom, so she cut herself off. “I thought that we could go out for dinner, there’s a nice buffet place just down the street from here.”


“The four of us?”




“Hun, I’d love to, but I don’t have any money.”


“That’s okay,” said Kyouka, smiling up at her new mother-figure. “It’s my treat.”


“Oh, sweetie, I couldn’t—”


“I insist. It will be a nice treat for Emiko, too.”


Sora tilted her head back and forth, before looking to Yosano, who only nodded. She turned back to Kyouka, placing her hands-on Kenji’s shoulders. “It sounds like a nice outing to me. What time do we go?”


Kyouka answered, but Kenji wasn’t listening. Instead, he felt his blood run cold and could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He couldn’t go through with this… there was no way. With his mom, sister, and Kyouka… he’d have no choice but to go along with it.


He smiled along with her for the remainder of the conversation, but on the inside, his stomach was already in knots.




The outing went smoothly. Kenji and Kyouka had shown Sora and Emiko the way to the large buffet restaurant a few corners down from the Agency. Inside, they chose a table near the back, surrounded on two sides by large windows. Kenji sat in the back corner, restricted on all sides by the table, the wall, and Kyouka. She seemed to enjoy herself, chatting with his mom and Emiko about, well, everything.


The young waitress took their drink order fairly quickly, and Kyouka helped the two decide what to get, giving her own recommendations. Although it was amazing to see her get along with his family, which was exactly what he wanted, he wished that the circumstances were different. That the outing was anywhere but there. But of course, Kyouka wanted to do something nice, and he couldn’t fault her for that. But either way, it didn’t help the anxiety that gnawed at his insides, growing more uncomfortable with each passing minute.


He and Kyouka had helped Emiko and Sora pick out their food, some of which they had never seen before. Fancier dishes or dishes that came from other countries fascinated them, as they were only used to the foods native to their miniscule village. While Kyouka had wondered if Kenji had been the same way when he first came to Yokohama, Kenji chewed on his lip as his mom piled more food on his plate. He couldn’t eat the same amount that he used to at home anymore, it just wasn’t feasible. But of course, she didn’t know that. And she wouldn’t know that—that he was decided on.


So he ate everything on his plate. And his second plate. And whatever monstrosity his mom and Kyouka had returned with that was supposed to be a dessert. Sickly sweet and thicker than he’d hoped for, it was tough for him to finish. But he did regardless, ignoring his body’s protests. He was just happy to finish what his mom had given him and spend more time with her and Emiko, especially with Kyouka present. Them getting alone was all he could’ve asked for a more—they’d really hit it off despite the odd introduction she’d received.


Kyouka listened intently to Sora’s stories from the village and let Emiko play with her hair while they finished their drinks. The village of Ihatov sounded incredibly welcoming, and though she’d already wanted to visit based on what Kenji’d told her, she wanted to even more so now. His little sister was adorable and she could only expect his three younger brothers to be just as pleasant. She could really build a family with these people, and that seemed to be what they wanted… so why not? She may be fourteen, but his mom hadn’t seemed to care about that. Love was love, despite the two of them being teenagers.


She paused at that thought. Love was love. Was that what this feeling was? Was it love? She glanced at Kenji beside her, nodding off with his head in his arms, eyes fluttering. Yeah… she thought… maybe it was.


They woke him up not longer later in order to take Sora back to the Agency. Yosano had decided to stay there as well so that she wouldn’t be lonely. Ranpo had also insisted he stay but Yosano had told him it wasn’t necessary. That didn’t mean he would listen to her, though. It was Ranpo after all.


At the door to the Agency, Sora hugged Kenji goodnight, kissing his head. “I’m so glad to see you, darling. We miss you at home.”


“I missed you, too.”


Kyouka raised a brow. His voice was stiff, his posture, too. Unusual.


Sora turned to Emiko and held her arms out. “How about you stay with me and Yosano-sensei tonight, honey? I heard the guy with the candy might stop by, too.”


“Mmm, okay! That was yummy!”


“I bet it was,” Sora laughed. With her daughter in her arms, she turned to Kyouka. “Thank you so much for dinner, Kyouka. It was lovely.”


“Of course. I enjoyed it.”


“Me too.” She smiled at the two of them, then held up one hand to wave. “Goodnight you two. Don’t have too much fun.”


“We won’t,” Kyouka laughed. Kenji nodded—they wouldn’t.


The two of them began their short walk home. Kyouka took Kenji’s hand, swiping her thumb over his knuckles. “Your family is so friendly. But I feel bad, your mom kept thanking me for dinner.”


“I saw Atsushi give you the money.”


“Aw dammit!”


“I thought he was broke?”


“Oh, he is. But he gave me what he had left because he wanted us to have a good time.”


“Wow,” Kenji said, staring blankly ahead. “I’ll have to pay him back for that. He didn’t need to.”


“He knows that—but that’s just how he is. He wants us to be happy more than he wants the money.”


Kenji nodded but said nothing in response, walking beside her in silence the rest of the way home. He twisted the key in the lock, unsurprised when she followed him in. He’d probably promised they’d hangout, but he couldn’t remember. His brain was preoccupied.


“Where are you going?” Kyouka asked, watching him head for the kitchen.


“I have dishes to do from this morning.”


She caught his wrist, but he yanked away. His movements were stiff, too. “Go sit down, I can do it.”


“You’ve done enough.”


“I really don’t think you should.”


He pulled the plate from the sink up onto the counter, reaching for the dish soap, but stopping abruptly and closing his eyes. “’S fine.”


“Kenji… you don’t look so good.”


He swallowed thickly. “I don’t feel so good.”


“Maybe you should go to the bathroom.”


“Maybe,” he started, bracing himself over the sink as the colour drained from his skin. “Not.”




She was pretty sure he tried to say no time, but she couldn’t tell through the burp that escaped his mouth, followed by a hot rush of food that flooded his throat and gushed from his mouth. She startled, taking a half-step back. “Did you eat something bad?”


He shook his head, white knuckling the counter. Tears squeezed from his eyes as he gasped for breath for a few seconds. “Too much.”


Kyouka furrowed her brows. “How much did you eat?”


“I don’t know.” It came out more as a whimper just before more of his dinner splashed into the sink.


She cringed. Not an ideal place… which is why she’d said he should move. But clearly he’d been right, the nausea got to him first and he’d had no time to move. Kyouka moved to the side and opened the cupboard where the cups were, filling with water and heading back to his side. She simply held the water in her hand for a minute, rubbing his back and trying to ignore the tears on his face that came with the pained sounds.


After a few minutes he seemed to be finished and she handed him the glass of water. He sipped at it, keeping his eyes averted from her. His eyes still burned from the tears, but now they weren’t from pain but from shame. The flush on his cheeks could be passed off as from the force… but he knew it wasn’t. None of it was.


“Are you okay?”


He nodded, but still didn’t look at her.


“You’re crying… are you in pain still?”


He shook his head.


“Then what is it? What’s wrong?”


“Nothing,” he croaked, voice hoarse.


“Do you need something?”


“Just… sleep. I need to sleep.”


“O-okay. You head to bed and let me clean up okay?”


He shook his head adamantly, willing himself not to cry harder. “No, I can’t let you do that.”


“It’s okay, Kenji, you’re clearly not feeling well. Let me do it, you head to bed. I’ll come in after.”


His shoulders shook harder. “You don’t have to stay.”


“I know,” she said, lowering her brows. Kyouka tugged on his arm, spinning him to face her. He brought his hands up to cover his face, nearly sobbing into them. Her face fell and she reached up to pull his hands away, feeling her chest ache at the little hiccoughing sounds he made while he tried to hide his cries. “Kenji? What’s wrong, baby?”


He only shook his head, staring at the ground.


Kyouka lifted a hand to cup his cheek. “Why are you crying, hun, what is it? Are you embarrassed?”


When he nodded she pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him. “Kenji, it’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s alright.”


She didn’t understand. She didn’t. And he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing anymore. But even so, he couldn’t bring himself to say something. To tell her how the shame ate him up inside and he wasn’t only crying because he was embarrassed. It was pain and it was embarrassment. But it was also so much more than that. But he said nothing, opting to suffer in silence. That was best after all. He deserved it.


Kyouka kissed his collar bone and rubbed his back. “Shh… it’s alright. It’s okay.”


But it wasn’t.


It wasn’t okay at all.

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Sunday, 9:00 pm


Shadowbanned: what should you do if there is a giant spider on your bed?


UpforStabs: kill it




Stopsignsgobrr: befriend it until it bites your face and THEN kill it


NotmyNeko: … what


Bandades_and_Babes: pick it up and chase Gin with it


EmoAsthmatic: this is why she doesn’t fucking love you


Bandades_and_Babes: sure it is


GremlinwaKnife: 👀  👀


Bandades_and_Babes: for fucks sake


NotmyNeko: is no one going to question Kenji??


FRICKINLEMONS: is there even a point anymore


NotmyNeko: fair enough


Stopsignsgobrr: hey


Shadowbanned: y’all are useless


Ithinknot: who are you, Margaret??


HorrorWhore: “ya’ll don’t come back now, ya hear?”


Ithinknot: PFFT


Shadowbanned: whos Margaret


Ithinknot: oh yeah


HorrorWhore: no one important


Ithinknot: 🤭


UpforStabs: I said kill it!!


Shadowbanned: BUT HOW


Ginge: with a shoe?


EmoAsthmatic: with a book?


GremlinwaKnife: with tachi’s face?


Bandades_and_Babes: no


FRICKINLEMONS: “she punched me in the face once, it was great” – Tachi probably


Bandades_and_Babes: I NEVER SAID THAT


Ginge: not yet


Stopsignsgobrr: use a frying pan!


UpforStabs: no! you almost put the frying pan through my wall!


NotmyNeko: he WHAT


Stopsignsgobrr: nothing! 😇


NotmyNeko: im watching you


Stopsignsgobrr: pretty sure ur not lol


NotmyNeko: how can u be so sure


Stopsignsgobrr: the fact that u have to ask gives me my answer


NotmyNeko: what ??


UpforStabs: ignore him he’s tired


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHAT IS WRONG W U GUYS




Thoushaltshutup: how about a cleaver?


Ginge: nO


Legallydad: a scalpel?


ElectricBoogaloo: NO


CATana: chopsticks?


AcicdentallyDad: … your name is catana and you go with chopsticks?


AccidentallyDad: CHOPSTCIKS??


AccidentallyDad: really??


CATana: oh


Legallydad: ur dumb


CATana: ur fat


Legallydad: how


CATana: u just r


GeronimoStilton: how tf does that even work


CATana: bch es a little bitch


Legallydad: how can u fat shame someone who’s skinny??


CATana: reverse psychology


AngryChuuyaNoises: im pretty sure that not how that works


Thoushaltshutup: how about me not fat shame people


BabyMomma: unless its me bc then its funny im carrying a baby hence I am god


HorrorWhore: God was a man


Ithinknot: is*


HorrorWhore: …


Ithinknot: sorry I spent too much time with Nathaniel








FRICKINLEMONS: u two need to NOT


Ginge: fuck u


FRICKINLEMONS: sorry buddy I don’t swing that way


Ginge: im STRAIGHT


Notatanizaki: r u tho


Ginge: ???????


Notatanizaki: lol u thought


Ginge: what the fuck


EmoAsthmatic: no I agree w Naomi


Ginge: wtf why


NotmyNeko: ryu 🤦🏽‍♂️


EmoAsthmatic: SUE ME


ElectricBoogaloo: okay


EmoAsthmatic: NO


AccidentallyDad: lol


Shadowbanned: guys I still have a spider problem


GeronimoStilton: want me to come and kill it like I did for Katai?


Hermit: shut upppppppp


GeronimoStilton: nooooooo


Shadowbanned: wait what?


Hermit: no


GeronimoStilton: well


Hermit: NO


AccidentallyDad: yes


GeronimoStilton: Katai was too chicken to kill the spider on his futon. So I did it for him.


Shadowbanned: u went over to his apartment and killed it for him?


GeronimoStilton: yes


Shadowbanned: aw! You’re such a good friend!


GeronimoStilton: no youre supposed to make fun of him!!

Shadowbanned: why im afraid of spiders too


GeronimoStilton: ughhhhh


ElectricBoogaloo: lmao well that backfired on u now didn’t it


GeronimoStilton: shut up Osamu


ElectricBoogaloo: 😂


Noticemesenpai: well r u gunna go kill it for her or not??


FRICKINLEMONS: I will if he doesn’t


GeronimoStilton: u know what, be my guest


Shadowbanned: shouldn’t that be my line?


GeronimoStilton: shh no


GeronimoStilton: go and kill it for her


AngryChuuyaNoises: what


Noticemesenpai: shouldn’t that be up to her??


GeronimoStilton: shh its fine she’ll love it




Shadowbanned: I will??


Hermit: oh


Hermit: LMAO


BabyMomma: am I missing something here?


Ginge: a condom maybe?


BabyMomma: don’t make me come over there and whoop your ass


NotmyNeko: that’s naomi’s job


Ginge: ouch


NotmyNeko: or r u not into that


Ginge: sounds painful no thanks


Ginge: but Ranpo on the other hand


Shithead: HEY


Ginge: paybacks a bitch


Shithead: for what??


Ginge: idk but im sure u did something


Stopsignsgobrr: 😂


Thoushaltshutup: youre probably right tbh


GreminwaKnife: ^


Shithead: welp


EmoAsthmatic: mabe u should ask Chuuya about that one instead of Jun


AngryChuuyaNoises: maybe u should shut your cock loving mouth


UpforStabs: okay u guys I swear if he spits his water on me ONE MORE TIME

GremlinwaKnife: hes practicing


UpforStabs: FOR WHAT


GremlinwaKnife: 👀


Shadowbanned: 👀


UpforStabs: I AM A WOMAN




AngryChuuyaNoises: Rashoumon does


EmoAsthmatic: KNOCK IT OFF


AngryChuuyaNoises: HA




Shithead: well…


Stopsignsgobrr: NO


Shithead: aw man


Shadowbanned: aw woman*




Thoushaltshutup: some women do have dicks


UpforStabs: okay okay okay u know what I meant hes not gunna be spitting b cim not squirting out a dick


Stopsignsgobrr: I—


Stopsignsgobrr: well id realy hope not bc that would be very unfortunate for me


NotmyNeko: PFFT


Ginge: that’s ur sister hes talking about




Stopsignsgobrr: was that necessary Jun


Ginge: yes very


Stopsignsgobrr: -_-


EmoAsthmatic: Rashoumon doesn’t have a dick I do


NotmyNeko: babe we r past this


EmoAsthmatic: I just needed to clarify


Bandades_and_Babes: yes we r very aware that you have a dick


Legallydad: way more than we ever needed to be


AccidentallyDad: ^^


EmoAsthmatic: stoppppp


Ginge: u walked right into that one bud


EmoAsthmatic: ughhhhh


ElectricBoogaloo: sounds like Chuuya in t-5 minutes


AngryChuuyaNoises: what


ElectricBoogaloo: u heard me


AngryChuuyaNoises: I don’t want sex I want u to cuddle me dammit!


GeronimoStilton: is… is this the same Chuuya?


Ginge: im not so sure


Hermit: hmmm


Thoushaltshutup: give me five minutes and a scalpel and ill let u know


Ginge: NO


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO


AngryChuuyaNoises: no please no


AngryChuuyaNoises: it’s the real me I promise pls don’t go looking for another me im me


Thoushaltshutup: what


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t dissect me to check if im me its me


Thoushaltshutup: im not gunna dissect you ??


AngryChuuyaNoises: I am the human me no need to check


Thoushaltshutup: I had no doubt u were human…


Thoushaltshutup: what??


ElectricBoogaloo: uh… give us a few minutes


Thoushaltshutup: okay…??


Stopsignsgobrr: what just happened?


Thoushaltshutup: I really don’t know Kenji


GeronimoStilton: geez I didn’t mean to set him off or anything


ElectricBoogaloo:its not your fault Ango


Thoushaltshutup: mine then?


ElectricBoogaloo: no its just… it’s a long story.


Thoushaltshutup: is he okay


ElectricBoogaloo: he will be in a minute no need to worry, its not a huge deal or anything


Thoushaltshutup: okay…


Noticemesenpai: did Kajii kill the bug Tsujimura?


Ithinknot: …


Noticemesenpai: Tsujimura?


GeronimoStilton: leave her be


Thoushaltshutup: is SHE okay??


GeronimoStilton: oh yeah shes perfect


Noticemesenpai: Ango


GeronimoStilton: lol


Noticemesenpai: I cant believe you


GeronimoStilton: ;)


Hermit: is this the same ANGO??


GeronimoStilton: LOLLLL


Legallydad: I think he might be high


HorrorWhore: okay Atsushi where is it


NotmyNeko: Not u too Poe-san T-T


Ginge: yessssss


Ginge: atsushis gotta weed closetttttt


NotmyNeko: youre a mongrel


Ginge: LOL






10:30 pm


Thoushaltshutup: Hey


ElectricBoogaloo: hey


Thoushaltshutup: is Chuuya okay?


ElectricBoogaloo: yeah he’s alright


Thoushaltshutup: what happened?


ElecticBoogaloo: its not really my place to say. He went through something when he was younger and it just brought up some bad memories


Thoushaltshutup: he seems to be having a hard time w stuff like that lately


ElectricBoogaloo: I think his ability is bothering him


Thoushaltshutup: like physical pain?


ElectricBoogaloo: no no, I mean I think the meaning of it is bothering him


Thoushaltshutup: oh?


ElectricBoogaloo: I mean, Arahabaki is a god of destruction right. And I think he’s having a hard time with that, separating himself from it. It’s nothing new, but the convo just brough up some memories I guess.


Thoushaltshutup: oh… well I didn’t mean to hurt him


ElectricBoogaloo: he knows that. He’s okay Yosano, it’s alright. Just needed a few minutes.


ElectricBoogaloo: I mean everything that happened w his subordinates around his ability on top of the ongoing internal conflict? Its not a great recipe now is it


Thoushaltshutup: no it doesn’t seem to be


ElectricBoogaloo: don’t worry about Chuuya, you have enough on your plate. He’s fine it was just a bad day that’s all


Thoushaltshutup: you’re sure?


ElectricBoogaloo: I’m positive. I just sat with him for a few minutes and he was fine. Now he’s asleep on my chest.


Thoushaltshutup: aww


ElectricBoogaloo: yeah yeah


ElectricBoogaloo: hows Sora?


Thoushaltshutup: in pain. Might have to examine her again in a bit if it doesn’t stop.


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s not good. Is she in danger?


Thoushaltshutup: not when im right here and can get the baby out in 90 seconds if I need to


ElectricBoogaloo: good. I don’t think Kenji could take it if something happened


Thoushaltshutup: nope… I don’t think he could either


ElectricBoogaloo: anyway, no need to worry about the Chibi. He’s perfectly fine


Thoushaltshutup: and how are you? Lately I mean


ElectricBoogaloo: certainly better than I was before. At first I didn’t think the meds were working


Thoushaltshutup: why?


ElectricBoogaloo: bc I never knew how it felt to feel normal. So I felt weird. I was so used to feeling empty or in pain that just having an absence of that… idk it was weird. Bc I wasn’t necessarily happy. It was just an absence of being sad.


Thoushaltshutup: hmmm okay. That’s not uncommon. Do you feel like it’s working now?


ElectricBoogaloo: I think so yes. I want to keep trying with this one at least. I don’t feel worse, so that’s a good sign.


Thoushaltshutup: its lucky that we got it on the first try for you


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s what happened to Junichiro, right? He got worse?


Thoushaltshutup: he had adverse effects, yes. Some medications can increase suicidal thoughts or make you feel worse. He got unlucky with the first medication I tried him on


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s a shame


ElectricBoogaloo: do u think he will ever be open to talking to me? U know, about what happened?


Thoushaltshutup: I don’t know, Dazai. Honestly. I think that’s more of a question for him than for me. But Id give him some more time


ElectricBoogaloo: why?


Thoushaltshutup: he’s still struggling a bit. It can take a few weeks for new medications to work, up to six weeks sometimes. He seems to be improving this time, though.


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s good. I’ll give it a bit longer then


Thoushaltshutup: great


Thoushaltshutup: now you should join Chuuya and get some sleep


ElectricBoogaloo: lol yes mom


ElectricBoogaloo: gnight


Thoushaltshutup: goodnight




Laughter echoed off the walls of Kunikida’s small bedroom while he and Haruno laid on the bed watching youtube. Her head was on his chest, laughing along with him when his laughter caused her head to bounce. As reserved as he could be, his humour was just as shot as everyone else his age. Stupid tumblr memes reposted online and dumb video compilations on youtube gave him a good laugh, even though he wouldn’t admit it. So there they were watching old vine compilations and cackling, smiling so hard their cheeks hurt.


After the fifth compilation of the night, Haruno rolled off of Kunikida and laid beside him, staring at the ceiling. Still giggling, she poked his side. “That last one was you.”


“It was not!”


“Yes it was.”


He rolled his eyes but the grin remained on his face. “Okay, fine. Maybe it was.”


She kicked her legs to sit up, taking a drink from her glass on the nightstand. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and stopped, staring at her stomach. She didn’t frown, but the smile had slipped from her face, leaving a contemplative expression.


Kunikida wrapped his arms around her from behind. “What’s wrong?”


“Nothing. I just… It’s scary, you know?”




“There’s a person growing inside of me. Half of you and half of me. And… what if I’m not ready?”


He kissed her temple, then rolled off the bed, padding around the her and kneeling down. “Is anyone ever ready to become a parent?”


“I dunno… But there’s just a lot to do before this baby comes.”


“We have tons of time to get everything perfect. Trust me.”


“You think so?”


He nodded, hands on her stomach. “I know so. And when this little one finally comes, we will be as ready as we can be. And I’ll be here with you the entire time. You’re not going to be alone in this.”


“But Doppo… there’s so much to do.”


“We can fix it all, I promise.”


Haruno nodded, not meeting his eyes. Then she shifted to the side and pushed herself to her feet. “I have something for you—I’ll be right back.”




Kunikida watched her leave, then jumped to his feet and crossed to his dresser. He yanked the top drawer open and rifled around the inside, feeling blindly until his fingers closed around the object he’d been looking for. The floorboards in the hallway creaked and his eyes widened as he shoved the drawer closed, rushing to position himself in front of the door. It took her a second to open the door, and what her eyes landed on was the last thing she’d been hoping for.


Kunikida knelt on one knee mere feet away from her, holding a delicate diamond ring in a black box open on his palm. His beaming face stared up at her, hazel eyes sparkling in the light. “Kirako, as the love of my life and the future mother of my child, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”


Her heart dropped into her stomach and she stared down at him, horrified. When she first opened her mouth, no words came out. And then finally… “No.”


The hurt showed on his face immediately. His shoulders slumped forward and the ring box snapped shut as it hit the ground. He searched her face for any sign that maybe it was some cruel joke, but her expression was set in stone. She meant it. “Why?”


“I don’t want to get married just because I’m pregnant. And it might be in your ideals that you have to be married before you have a kid but that’s not a good enough reason for me to get married.”




“You said we would fix everything before the baby arrives. Is this what you meant? We’d get married so it all lines up? Move in together, get married, be the perfect husband and wife?”


“That’s not what I meant!”


“Then what did you mean? Because it seems to me like you’re ashamed to have knocked up a girl you don’t even know if you want to spend a long time with! I’m not some kind of fixer-upper, Doppo!”


He stared up at her with wide eyes, taking in her teary eyes and clenched jaw. “I don’t see you as a fixer-upper. I just thought now would be a good time.”


“We you going to propose before you found out I was pregnant?”


“Well, no—”


“Does our situation meet your ten year plan?”


“No, but I can rework it.”


“And do I currently meet all of your ideals?”


“Does it matter?”


“Yes! Yes it all matters! Because you’re all about your ideals, and as much as you don’t want it to, it’s going to make you resent me!”




“I don’t want to do things spontaneously because of a ‘mistake’ you made. Because this isn’t something that can be ‘fixed’.”


“It doesn’t need to be fixed, I can work things—”


“Either take me as I am or leave me alone!”


Haruno threw the gift she’d had for him down onto his bed but he didn’t pay attention to it. He watched as she turned on her heel to hide her tears and rushed from the room. He got to his feet, attempting to follow her, but the door had already slammed shut. She was gone.


Trying to swallow the lump in his throat, he headed back to his room. As he passed his bed to retrieve his notebook, and blue square on the bed caught his attention. It was a book with a picture of a man and a baby on the front, titled “Man vs Baby.” He read the back, realizing that it was about parenthood, but posed as a comedic take.


He flipped open the front cover, instantly noticing the pen scrawl inside. I know this wasn’t what you expected—but maybe this will calm your nerves a little bit. You don’t have to be perfect with all your ideals. Take a look at this guy—he certainly wasn’t. But its okay. Love, Kirako <3


Haruno was trying to put him at ease. Him. He wasn’t even the one that was pregnant!! And he he’d been unconsciously making her more nervous, making her think she had to live up to his ideal. She was trying to erase his worries when all he did was give her more and more. What was wrong with him?


Was Poe right?


As he set the book down, a piece of paper sticking out of the top of the book, near the middle caught his attention. He flipped to it and took the rectangular piece of cardstock out of its place. Immediately tears pricked at his eyes. It was a photo of her first ultrasound—she’d gone when he’d been on an emergency case. And on the back, in the same blue pen, was another message.


Got a strong heartbeat. They love you already, dad.


Clutching the photon in his hands, he slid down the side of his bed, tears falling down his face. What had he done?






11: 00 pm


Outgoing call

Call Accepted


Naomi: hello?


Haruno: (voice thick) hi


Naomi: (voice going up an octave) what’s wrong?


Haruno: Doppo and I got in a fight


Naomi: oh no! what happened? What did he do?


Haruno: (sobs) He proposed.


Naomi: well that’s a good thing isn’t it?


Haruno: No! No, naomi, it’s not a good thing.


Naomi: why not? Don’t you love him?


Haruno: (hiccups) of course I do! But that’s not why he wants to marry me! He only wants to marry me because I’m carrying his child. He doesn’t want a child out of wedlock.


Naomi: (gasps) he told you that??


Haruno: (sobs) he didn’t need to! You’ve seen his notebook! I know Dazai’s stolen it and shown you! That’s why he’s doing this, not because he wants to spend his life with me.


Naomi: you don’t know that for sure


Haruno: You haven’t seen the way he’s been scrutinizing that notebook! He’s been reorganizing and reorganizing but I know he’s not happy with it! And it’s because of me and this—damn--baby! 


Naomi: Haruno—


Haruno: (barely understandable) I’m not his ideal woman and this is not the situation he wants! I’m not perfect and I should’ve known! So how can I expect us to be happy? I can’t force this on him it’s not fair to either of us! And I don’t want to get trapped but I also don’t want him to be ashamed of me! I-I never meant for this to happen—I’m not some whore and I know he knows that—but if we’re not married and living together and just perfect he’s not going to want me or us or this chi—ild.


Naomi: are you driving right now?


Haruno: ye—es


Naomi: no, no. No. Not anymore. You’re coming over here right now.


Haruno: I’m—m okay—y.


Naomi: no you’re not. This is not okay. Come over here and you can stay the night and we can talk, okay?


Haruno: (sobs) okay.


Naomi: okay. It’s alright. I’m here for you, alright?


Haruno: m—mhmm.


Naomi: okay, I’ll see you in a minute, okay?


Haruno: okay.


Call ended.




A knock on the door caught Atsushi’s attention despite his headphones blaring Netflix on full-blast. He cursed his tiger-hearing, pulling the headphones off and pausing his movie, setting his phone down on the ground. As he wandered to the door, he wondered who it could possibly be. Kyouka had taken her keys with her…


When the door swung open and he saw Junichiro standing on the other side, his heart jumped into his throat. It was nearly midnight on a Sunday, not his typical time to pop by for no reason, “Hey, what’s wrong? Is everything alright?”


Jun raised a brow. “Calm your tits will you? Nothing is wrong.”


A relieved breath escaped and he cringed at letting on how worried he’d been. “Then what’s up? Do you know what time it is?”


“I can read a clock, Atsushi. Haruno just came over and she’s a mess—she’s going to stay over tonight. Can I stay here? I don’t want to impede n whatever is happening.”


“Yeah, sure.” Atsushi stepped to the side to allow Jun to come in and they headed for the bedroom. “What happened anyway?”


He shrugged. “I couldn’t understand much, she was crying when she told Naomi. But from what she told me before she got there and what I could gather from the garbled nonsense, it sounds like Kunikida proposed to her, she said no because of something to do with his ideals, and then they got into a fight about it.”


Atsushi paused for a moment, furrowing his brows with his mouth open. “Wait, wait, wait… what?”


“I know as much as you know at this point, dude. I don’t know either.”




“I’d say yes, but judging by the word ‘ideals’, I’d have to say no.”


“Ah.” Atsushi rested back on his elbows. “Well it’s not problem for you to stay here. Kyouka’s at Kenji’s and I somehow doubt that she will be back tonight.”


Jun rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Those two are inseperable.”


“Yeah, well, they were before they got together, too. Can’t expect much to change.”


“That’s fair. Anyway, what did I interrupt?”


“Nothing, I was just watching a movie.”


“What movie?”


Atsushi unlocked his phone and showed him.


Jun snorted. “That movie is shit.”


“It’s funny!”


“Yeah, so bad that it’s funny, maybe.”


Atsushi shot him a look. “Then what do you want to do then?”


“I don’t really care. Sleep, if you’re tired. If you’re not, then just whatever.”


“That’s helpful.”


“I know.”










“Wrong animal,” joked Atsushi.






Atsushi smacked him with a pillow, which Jun ripped away and threw back at him, hitting him right in the gut. He tumbled backwards with a loud ‘oof.’ “What, has Kenji been lending you some of his strength?”


He laughed. “I wish.”


The two of them spent the majority of the night laughing. Laying opposite ways (stealing Kyouka’s bed for the night), the two of them stayed up and chatted for hours. About everything. Work, life, relationships, siblings, stupid memes and Gin’s dumb tiktoks… everything. Everything and anything. They didn’t care what really—it never got boring. They could talk for hours about nothing without coming to an awkward silence. So they talked and joked and teased each other to no end, growing tired with smiles on their faces.


Eventually they fell into a comfortable silence, both then laying the same way. Though they were next to each other, they sent each other reels and tiktoks, snickering at them once and a while or tagging each other in stupid Instagram posts. It was cathartic in a sense—they hadn’t gotten to hangout just the two of them in a casual sense like that for quite a while. Sure they’d spent a couple weeks together almost everyday, but it had been different then. Now it was like it had always been, just hanging out. And it was nice after all the drama.


Eventually, both boys fell asleep, backs pressed together as they faced opposite ways. It might have been 3 or 4 am at that point and sure they had to get up at 7… but they didn’t really care. In their views it had definitely been worth it. But they’d have to see if Kunikida thought the same thing the next day as they fell asleep in their coffee.


Oh well.

Chapter Text

The dorm door swung in silently, the six o’clock air outside barely disturbed by her stealthy movements. Pigtails blowing behind her in the cool breeze she tiptoed passed the bottom dorms, not wanting to wake the Tanizakis so early in the morning. Rubbing her arms, she looked over the horizon at the rising sun while climbing the stairs, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face until she stuck her key in the lock and twisted it. 


The sound of her feet on the tile floor was barely audible and she gripped the door lightly, hoping to slide it silently so she could slip in, grab her clothes, and slip back out without rousing Atsushi. However, when she blinked through the dimness of the room she stopped in her tracks, furrowing her brows at the sight before her.


Not only was Atsushi in her bed, but so was Junichiro. The blanket was wound around one of each of their legs, one pillow under red hair and the other God knows where. She had to stop herself from laughing when she realized Atsushi was using Jun’s stomach as a pillow and they sort of looked like a t-bone steak without the meat. Atsushi’s left arm was also nearly hitting Jun in the face while Jun had one arm above his head and the other clutching a corner of the blanket.


Silently snickering, Kyouka pulled up the camera on her phone and snapped a picture in the dim light coming through the curtains. Then she sent it to the group chat, hoping it didn’t wake anybody up, but knowing it would give them a good laugh. Now to get her clothes.


However, despite Junichiro’s light snores, she wouldn’t be able to get to her clothes and rummage around in the dark for them without waking up the two boys. She pursed her lips for a moment before slipping from the room and back out of the dorm. In a minute she was back downstairs and opening Kenji’s front door.




She received no answer, but quickly processed the sound of the shower running and nodded to herself. Kyouka closed the door behind her and headed for his bedroom, sitting back down on the futon. She chewed her lip. It was half-past six, Yosano had called them to come in in case something had to be done with Kenji’s mom and her baby, and she had no clean clothes. She picked at a fluff on her pajama pants, sitting in their pile of mussed blankets from Kenji’s tossing and turning. And then an idea popped into her head, causing a smile to spread on her face as she jumped to her feet and crossed the room. It would be a surprise at the very least.


Twenty minutes later, Kenji emerged from the bedroom with dripping hair while he buckled his belt. Staring at the ground still a pair of bare feet appeared in his sightline and he blinked at them before raising his head, jaw immediately going slack.


Kyouka handed him a plate of eggs and toast, smiling innocently. “What’s the matter? I thought I’d come back and make us breakfast before we left for the Agency.”


Still he said nothing, just stared at her. His mouth opened and closed several times before he managed to blurt, “Those are my clothes.”


She laughed, pushing one pigtail over her shoulder. “Is that a problem?”


“N-no! No. I just… didn’t expect it.”


Kyouka looked down at herself, at the white dress shirt she’d tied in the front and the black joggers, which she pinched and pulled away from her thigh. “They’re too big on you, I noticed, so I didn’t think they’d fit me. But they fit me perfectly. I guess the cut is just different.”




“Come sit,” she said, nodding towards her plate on the table. “We have a few minutes still.”


He nodded and followed her, setting his plate down before sitting. “Why exactly are you wearing my clothes?”


“I didn’t want to wake up Atsushi and Jun.”


“Junichiro is in your dorm?”


She shrugged, chewing a mouthful of egg. “Yeah. I dunno why, but yeah. Haven’t you checked your phone?”


“No. Why?”


“Check the groupchat.”


He raised a brow at her but did what she said anyway. She watched his straight face morph into a smile, delighted by the sound of his laugh. “How did they even end up like that?”


“I have no idea.”




7:20 am


“Hey, good morning,” said Yosano over her shoulder, rushing past the infirmary door.


“Good morning,” Kenji replied, stepping inside. “How’s my mom? Is she okay?”


Yosano nodded with her back turned, hands searching her medicine cabinet. “She’s not great, but she will be fine.”


“What are you looking for?”




“For what??”


“I might need to do a C-section.”


“You what?”


Kyouka was beside her then, tugging on her sleeve. “Why are you looking for a scalpel in the medicine cabinet?”


“I’m nervous I’ve never delivered a baby befo—You know what, I’m not even going to ask about your outfit. Thanks for finding my scalpel.”


Kenji jogged to catch up to Yosano. “What do you mean you’ve never delivered a baby before? Oh my God, do you need help?”


“No one else here is a doctor!”


“I’ve helped deliver my last two siblings; I could help you!”


“Well, it’s likely not going to be a natural birth so no, you can’t.”


“Well, what’s wron—Mom?”


“Hi sweetie,” Sora panted, briefly looking down at him before tilting her head back again.


Kenji rushed to her side, hands hovering in midair uncertainly. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”


She clenched her eyes shut. “Nothing, honey, I’m okay.”

“Mommy’s hurting,” mumbled Emiko, sitting on a chair next to her bed, her little legs criss-crossed. “Something’s wrong in her tummy.”


“I’m okay, Emiko,” she said, but finished her sentence by calling out, curling her fingers in her sheets.


Kenji brushed hair off her forehead, a deep frown on his face. “Yosano, what are you grabbing?”


“Trying to find pain meds.”


“What are you going to do?”



Another scream pierced the air and Kenji jumped. “Mom?”


“They’re contractions, Kenji,” said Yosano, her voice calm as she could make it. “It’s common with her condition. So is the pain she feels and the bleeding.”




“I’ll explain later, right now I need you to take Emiko outside for a minute while I examine your mom. I’ll let you know when you can come back.”




While Kenji picked Emiko up from her chair, Yosano turned to Kyouka. “I might need your help, Kyouka.”


“I haven’t had much training yet, Yosano-sensei.”


“I know,” she said, pulling on gloves. “You don’t need to do anything but handle and clean instruments, but I might not have time to do it if I have to do an emergency delivery.”


Kenji didn’t hear much after that as he took Emiko down the hall, only mumbling and pained sounds from his Mom. He cringed, chewing the inside of his cheek. What was going on? And why?


It didn’t take long for a head to peak out at the end of the hall, the golden butterfly glinting in the light. Yosano motioned for him to come closer and he did, bracing himself. “Yes, Yosano-sensei?”


“I have to do a C-section, right now. She—”


“Yosano, she’s hemorrhaging!”


A gasp escaped his mouth at those words and Yosano held up her hands. “She’ll be okay. Just take Emiko into the office and wait okay? She’ll be okay, hun, I promise.”


“Yosano, she’s allergic to anesthetic!”


“I—Okay. I got it. Got it.”


Then the curtains shut, leaving him and Emiko staring at the off-white cloth. He gulped and turned away, heading back down the hallway once more. When he entered the office, Kunikida already sat at his desk, glancing up with raised brows.


“Hi, Kenji. What brings you in so—what’s wrong?”


“Nothing! Nothing, Yosano’s just…”






“Say no more.”




Kenji sat down in his chair, Emiko still clinging to him. She pulled at his shirt, staring up at him with wet eyes. “Is Mommy okay?”


“She’s okay, Emi.”


“She doesn’t sound okay.”


“Yosano-sensei is taking care of her, so she will be perfectly fine.”


The agency door swung open then, revealing five more people—Atsushi, Junichiro, Naomi, Haruno, and Ranpo. They were all chatting away, laughing amongst themselves until a scream from down the hall cut them off completely. Silence fell over the office, the newcomers all staring down the hall in concern, eyes wide, before looking over to Kenji and Emiko.


Jun shuddered. “Is that…”


Kenji nodded.


Naomi pursed her lips. “Is she—”


“I don’t know.”




“Yosano’s with her,” said Ranpo matter-of-factly, putting his feet up on his desk. “She will be perfectly fine. Remember, she can heal anyone on the brink of death.”


“I’d rather her not get to that point,” said Kenji. “And what if she doesn’t get there but it’s still serious?”


“She is a doctor,” said Kunikida.


“That’s tru—”


Another screamed filled the air and Emiko flinched in Kenji’s arms. “Mommy!”

“Shh… It’s okay…”


She tried to climb up further, wrapping her tiny arms around his neck. “Why is Mommy screaming??”


“I don’t know,” he whispered, smoothing her hair.


“Why is she hurting Mommy?”


“She’s not, she’s helping Mommy, Emiko. She’s helping her.” The small girl sank back down in his lap and he held her tight.


There was another scream and Kenji saw Jun cover his ears out of the corner of his eye. A few feet from him, Kunikida pulled a face and stared across the room at Haruno, who stood in the doorway. “I’m so sorry,” he croaked.


Haruno scowled, flipped him off, and then left the room.


Kenji furrowed his brows (and seemed to be the only one to do so) but was quickly distracted by his Mom’s screams and both Yosano and Kyouka talking to her. Of course, their words weren’t comprehensible from where he sat, but it wasn’t reassuring by any means. Clearly Emiko felt the same way, judging by the tears rushing down her cheeks. “I want Mommy.”


“I know, Emi. Soon, okay?” Kenji bounced her on his knee while she clung to him and he kissed her head. “You can see her soon.”


Emiko shook her head vigorously. “No more screaming!”


He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. Sure, he’d heard her scream from giving birth before… but this was different. This was an invasive surgery, and she was being cut into because if Yosano didn’t help her in time, both Sora and the baby would die. He swallowed hard, praying for everything to be okay.


As if in immediate answer, the sound of a baby crying reached his ears. Kenji’s eyes flew open and he leaned forward, staring at the end of the hall where he knew his Mom was. However, when the screaming continued, he stiffened, and his voice lowered to a whisper. “What’s going on? Why is she still screaming? Why is…”

Hands came down on his shoulders and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Glancing up, he realized it was Jun, who leaned down to speak in his ear. “Kenji, give them a minute, okay? She’ll be fine.”


“How do you know?”


“Remember what Ranpo said?” He squeezed Kenji’s shoulders. “Breathe.”


He nodded, forcing himself to take a slow breath. His knee then bounced from worry and not to calm Emiko, but killing two birds with one stone worked for him. It didn’t have to for long, however, when the cries of a baby once again reached his ears. The entire room froze.


“Was that… a second baby?” Atsushi asked.


Kenji said nothing, only jumped up and raced for the end of the hall. “Yosano?”

“I need more time, Kenji-kun,” Yosano called through the curtain. “I know you’re worried, but everything is fine.”


“She’s okay?”


“Everyone’s okay.”


That time it had been Kyouka. The softness of her voice instantly calmed him and he took a step back, the hand not holding his sister’s resting over his heart. “Thank God.”


Emiko tugged on his hand. “Why can’t we go see Mommy?”


“Yosano-sensei is just fixing her up. We will be able to see her soon.”


“It might take a while,” said Naomi, her head peeking around the corner. “Come sit down while you wait.”


With a nod, Kenji brought Emiko back to the office and she clambered back onto his lap, resting her head against him. He looked down at her with a chuckle. “Are you tired, kiddo?” She nodded with her eyes closed, an incoherent sound her only verbal response. “Alright, go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when it’s time, okay?” She nodded again, adjusting her head before dozing off.


Kenji spent the time listening to Junichiro converse with Atsushi, who sat where Jun’s desk met his. He knew it was for his benefit, to keep his mind busy while he waited to find out what was going on, but he did his best to ignore that fact and focus on what they said. He was also aware of Naomi and Lucy both taking pictures but decided to ignore that as well.


Periodically, they’d ask him a yes or no question, allowing him to respond without waking Emiko. She slept soundly, not waking when Dazai accidentally smashed a coffee mug or when Lucy grabbed Atsushi’s long lock of hair to give him shit for something. Although, if his mom had been in pain all night, it was likely that Emiko had been up all night, too. And so he stared daggers at the ones being loud (aka Ranpo with his snacks), daring them to wake her up. On glance was all it took to shut them up, no one wanted to be punted across Yokohama anytime soon.


About a half-hour later, clicking heels could be heard in the hallway. Yosano appeared in the office and folded her hands in front of her with a smile. “You can come in now.”


He nodded, jostling Emiko enough to wake her but not to startle her before setting her on her feet. “Ready to go see Mommy?”


“Mhmm. And baby!”


“And baby,” he laughed. “Let’s go.”


She swung their hands as they walked down the hall, following Yosano into the infirmary and to the still-closed curtain. She slipped through a moment before them and was just turning around with a baby boy in her arms as they entered. Emiko skipped over to Yosano with a wide smile, squealing at the sight of her new sibling. But that was when Kenji looked up and saw Kyouka staring back at him with a beaming smile of her own.


She crossed the space between them and his jaw went slack as he stared down at the baby girl in her arms. He did a double-take, looking at Yosano and back to Kyouka repeatedly. “Twins?”


She nodded. “Do you want to hold her?”


Kenji held out his arms and took his baby sister, eyes instantly welling with tears that fell down his face. “They’re okay. All of them.”


“Of course they are. You know Yosano wouldn’t let anything bad happen to them.”


He nodded with a sniff, which caught Emiko’s attention. She toddled over to him, frowning. “Why are you crying? Are you sad?”


“No,” he choked, half laughing and half crying. “I’m just so happy. Look, she’s beautiful.”


He knelt down so that Emiko could she her baby sister, leaving Kyouka to watch from a few feet away. The smile never fell from her face as she watched him, deciding that this was the only time she wanted to see him in tears. Tears of joy. And relief. He may have had a scare this morning, but at least something good had come out of the chaos, which didn’t seem to happen much lately. It was a nice change of pace.


Yosano sauntered over from where she’d set the baby boy down on Sora’s chest, stopping beside Kyouka. She watched her watch Kenji for a moment before clearing her throat. KYouka jumped, staring up at her with wide eyes. She only shook her head. “No.”


“But I—”


“I know what you’re thinking. No.”


“I wasn’t thinking that.”


“I’m going to put a curfew on you,” she joked.


“Aw man.”


Snorting, Yosano watched as Kenji led Emiko to the chairs beside Sora’s bed. Kenji sat in the one closest to where she sat propped up by pillows. “You’re okay.”


“Of course I am, sweetie,” she said, wiping a stray tear form his cheek with her thumb.


“I was scared.”


“So was I, for a minute or two. But everything’s okay now.”


“Is there still something wrong with your tummy?” Emiko asked.


Sora chuckled. “No, honey. My tummy is all better now.”


They sat in silence for a moment, completely oblivious to Yosano taking a picture of the five of them. As time wore on, Emiko fell back asleep in her chair, content with the fact that her family was okay.


Kenji looked away from the twins and up at his mother. “Do you have names picked out?”


“I only have a girl name,” Sora admitted. “Since I only thought I was having a girl. Her name is Ren.”


Kenji looked down at the baby in his arms, at her tiny nose and the same light brown hair as her mother. “Ren…”


“Seeing as I don’t have a boy’s name… why don’t you pick?”




“I want you to pick the boy’s name, seeing as your father isn’t here.”


He stuttered for a moment before getting out a complete sentence. “I’m complete garbage at names, Mom.”


She laughed. “I know. You did almost named the dog dog when we asked you what we should name it.”


Kyouka snorted, turning away so he couldn’t see her face. He only rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to pick something bad.”


“Then how about you ask your big brother to help you pick a name?”




“What’s his name again? J…Jin?”


“Jun,” he said, smiling. “Junichiro.”


“That’s it. Why don’t you ask him to help you. The other young boy, too, if you want.”


He paused, glancing down at the baby Sora held against her. “Are you sure?”


“Of course, hun.”


With a nod, he placed Ren down on Sora and picked up his unnamed baby brother. “Well then… I’ll be back in a few minutes.”


“Take your time. I need to rest as it is.”


With a grin he stood from the chair and exited the infirmary, heading back down the hall to the main office. As he rounded the corner, all eyes turned to him and several of the agents stood up, eager to get a look at the sleeping newborn.


“Awww,” Naomi squealed. “So cute!”


“Boy or girl?” Kunikida asked.


“One of each,” he replied, unable to keep the smile out of his voice.


“Twins?” Atsushi gasped.




“Oh wow…” Haruno walked up to him and peered down at the small form in his arms. “So tiny…”


“Do you want to hold him?”


Her eyes met his, face lit up. “Really?”


“Yeah.” He held his arms out and let Haruno take him, cradling the baby to her chest.


She pursed her lips, pure joy in her eyes. “He’s so small… just… precious.”


“He is,” said Kunikida, coming up beside her. “Isn’t he?”


At that moment, Yosano came around the corner. “Atsushi, Kyouka’s not allowed to spend the night at Kenji’s anymore?”


“What?” Atsushi straightened, puffing his chest out as he tuned to Kenji. “What did you do?”


A hand came down on his shoulder and Atsushi turned to see Jun staring at him with an ‘are you fucking serious’ face. “Okay, put the claws away, Atsushi, you’re not that scary.”


“First of all, fuck you.”


“What’s the second part?” Dazai snorted.


“The second part is get the fuck back to work.”




Beside Kenji, Haruno let out a happy sigh. “I might have a little boy just like him…”


“Or maybe you’ll have a baby girl like Ren.”


“Aw, is that her name?” Lucy asked.


“Yeah, her name is Ren.”


“What’s his name?” Jun asked, holding his finger out to the baby boy, brown eyes staring up at him as he curled his tiny fist around it.


“Well… actually, that’s up to you.”


Without pulling his finger out of the baby’s grip, Jun turned to look at Kenji. “Wait… what?”


“My mom didn’t have a boy’s name picked so she wanted me to name my baby brother. But I’m trash with names so she said maybe I could have my big brother pick.”


Jun’s jaw went slack as he stared at Kenji, ignoring the small tugs on his finger that twisted it on a way it probably wasn’t supposed to. “I… You’re serious? This is your family…”


“You’re my family, too. And my mom knows it.”


For a minute Jun could only blink at him, wracking his brain for something to say. A name, another question, anything. “Uh…”


“Please don’t feel like you have to,” Kenji blurted. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay!”


“How about Yuri?”


The smile was back on his face as he looked back at his baby brother. “Welcome to the family, Yuri.”




Listen Up, Fuckers


11:00 am


AngryChuuyaNoises: Hey @Stopsignsgobrr, I heard you’ve got a couple of baby siblings now!


Shadowbanned: a couple ??


Noticemesenpai: aww twins??


Bandades_and_Babes: no Higuchi they picked one up off the street


ElectricBoogaloo: I mean that’s what I did


EmoAsthmatic: technically it was a forest


ElectricBoogaloo: technically I don’t care


GremlinwaKnife: oh we know


ElectricBoogaloo: how dare u


GremlinwaKnife: >:)


AccidentallyDad: be nice theres babies


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes bc they can hear the bullshit


FRICKINLEMONS: ill come read it to them






EmoAsthmatic: you ARE the children u moron!


GremlinwaKnife: nah


AngryChuuyaNoises: that’s not how that works


GremlinwaKnife: nah


AngryChuuyaNoises: but that’s not how that works!!

EmoAsthmatic: give up now u wont win


GremlinwaKnife: >:)


Sugardaddy: please no for the love of god


GeronimoStilton: for the love of my sanity will u all please shut up


NotmyNeko: no


GeronimoStilton: and why not


NotmyNeko: just bc u said so


GeronimoStilton: pls don’t turn into Dazai I actually like you


ElectricBoogaloo: Ango T-T


NotmyNeko: oh god am I turning into Dazai-san


Ginge: youre turning into a paranoid furry is what youre doing


NotmyNeko: what


Ginge: your tail appears when youre stressed


Shithead: lol stress tiger boner


Ginge: ears too


Ginge: Ranpo no


Shithead; ranpo yes


HorrorWhore: I will trap u in a book if u subject me to this clownery one more time


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh god not that


HorrorWhore: I gave you wine stop complaining


Ithinknot: it was made up wine how good could it have possibly been


HorrorWhore: don’t poke holes in my argument


Ithinknot: ill just poke holes in you instead then


HorrorWhore: how about you DON’T do that


Sugardaddy: how about no one pokes holes in anyone?? Stop giving Gin ideas dammit!


GremlinwaKnife: that’s not going to stop me Gramps


Sugardaddy: just when I thought id shaken the nickname


Bandades_and_Babes: never Gramps


Sugardaddy: well fuck me in the ass and call me Jerry


AccidantallyDad: why Jerry


LegallyDad: why fuck him in the ass??


AccidentallyDad: good point


NotmyNeko: bc its good that’s why


Ginge: if youre gay maybe


LegallyDad: you don’t have to be gay


CATana: u keep telling yourself that


Shithead: oh for fucks sake


ElectricBoogaloo: what the fuck


AccidentallyDad: okay maybe u don’t have to be but somehow I doubt Hirotsu’s into that??


FuckityFuck: I think theres a reason Dazai named him sugardaddy


Sugardaddy: bc im a gay manwhore apparently




ElectricBoogaloo: so u admit it


Sugardaddy: no


AngryChuuyaNoises: Dazai u have a problem


EmoAsthmatic: so do I its name is Atsushi


NotmyNeko: HEY


Ginge: lol


FRICKINLEMONS: I wouldn’t be laughing pal we have blackmail material on you


Ginge: what?


GremlinwaKnife: LOL HE DOESN’T KNOW??


Ginge: KNOW WHAT??


HorrorWhore: oh dear


AccidentallyDad: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Bandades_and_Babes: scroll up to the top


Ginge: okay…


Bandades_and_Babes: you too Atsushi


NotmyNeko: huh??






UpforStabs: I felt like someone was complaining about me but it was just two little bitches


Ginge: oi


Hermit: shes not wrong


Ginge: OI


EmoAsthmatic: cant I have one day of peace


GremlinwaKnife; I think theyre doing it on purpose at this point


EmoAstmatic: -_-




GremlinwaKnife: too late


Ginge: I stayed at Atsushi’s bc Haruno was staying at mine


FRICKINLEMONS: likely story


NotmyNeko: bruh


HorrorWhore: now you sound like Lucy


Ithinknot: fuck you


HorrorWhore: never


Shadowbanned: bruh girl tm


GeronimoStilton: oh no not another person with a death wish


Shadowbanned: im a bad bitch she cant kill me


GremlinwaKnife: will u marry me


Noticemesenpai: me too


Shadowbanned: hell yeah


Hermit: oh look its my OT3


GeronimoStilton: hey that’s my girlfriend Mizuki :(


Shadowbanned: sorry I thought Katai was your girlfriend


GeronimoStilton: O.O


NotmyNeko: pfft


ElectricBoogaloo: HAH


LegallyDad: oh good lord


GeronimoStilton: clearly not or I wouldn’t be in this conversation


HorrorWhore: can we please not talk about religion


Ithinknot: yeah he might burst into flames


HorrorWhore: u would before I would


Ithinknot: id just run around screeching like the devil I am


GremlinwaKnife: same ill join you


Ithinknot: sweet


UpforStabs: can I come?


GremlinwaKnife; hell yeah


Ithinknot: yes join us


UpforStabs: yes another knife wife


Ithinknot: I don’t gotta blade but I got sass as sharp as


NotmyNeko: that shit could cut a man


AccidentallyDad: please refrain


NotmyNeko: idk if she can ive been on the reciving end enough times


Ithinknot: funny I don’t see any scars maybe u need some more


NotmyNeko: fuck u


EmoAsthmatic: no hes gunna fuck me


Ginge: 🤦🏽‍♂️ 🤦🏽‍♂️


CATana: this fork is starting to seem very appealing to shove into my eyes


Legallydad: coward. Use the Katana


CATana: I don’t wanna accidentally shave off part of my brain like u did


Legallydad: I never did that


CATana: your lack of brain cells beg to differ


GremlinwaKnife: microwaved~


Ginge: if u ever say that again I’ll gauge MY eyes out with fork


ElectricBoogaloo: double eye fork?


Ginge: double eye fork


AngryChuuyaNoises: idk what the fuck this means but I don’t like it


NotmyNeko: no me neither


Noticemesenpai: im not like other girls! I have


Shadowbanned: fork eyes


Ithinknot: 👏🏻


Shadowbanned: thank u thank u


GeronimoStilton: time to bash my head off my desk


AccidentallyDad: maybe DON’T do that??


Hermit: that won’t stop him


Shadowbanned: it really wont


Shadowbanned: ANGO-SAN


GeronimoStilton: just goooo awayyyyyy


ElectricBoogaloo: u good there Ango


GeronimoStilton: no I want this chair to fold me up and be shoved in a storage locker so I don’t have to finish my work


ElectricBoogaloo: I don’t have that problem


AccidentallyDad: that’s because Karl does more work than you do


EmoAsthmatic: and bc Atsushi does all of your work


Ginge: either he and I do it or we listen to Kunikida bitch about Dazai being lazy


Sugardaddy: doesn’t he do that anyway


Ginge: I never said it was a GOOD plan


Bandades_and_Babes: dude that plan sucks


FRICKINLEMONS: wtf do u two get out of that


NotmyNeko: satisfaction of doing extra work?


Ginge: nothing absolutey nothing


Ginge: except a poor distraction and a strain headache


NotmyNeko: no that’s your meds


Ginge: nope I really don’t think it is


AngryChuuyaNoises: hey I have a strain headache too, but I have a definite cause


Ginge: really? How do u get rid of it?


AngryChuuyaNoises: a lot of wine


Ginge: wtf kinda headache is that


AngryChuuyaNoises: Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: he loves me I swear


AngryChuuyaNoises: sometimes I wonder


Noticemesenpai: … how does that even work


Bandades_and_Babes: don’t question them its less work for all of us


AngryChuuyaNoises: Kenji still hasn’t answered the tagged message


UpforStabs: he fell asleep


Noticemesenpai: oh the after affects of his ability are back again?


UpforStabs: no he just fell asleep with the twins


UpforStabs: its cute actually


GremlinwaKnife: of course u would think that youre his girlfriend


UpforStabs: yes and?


GremlinwaKnife: all the power to u I guess ??


Thoushaltshutup sent an image (Kenji is asleep on one of the couches, holding one baby in each arm.)


Thoushaltshutup: introducing Miyazawa Ren and Miyazawa Yuri


Noticemesenpai: AWW




AngryChuuyaNoises: 🥺 🥺


AngryChuuyaNoises: I want a baby


ElectricBoogaloo: no u don’t


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes I do!


ElectricBoogaloo: you are getting veeeeerrrryyyy sleeeeeppppyyyyyy


AngryChuuyaNoises: quit trying to hypnotize me you moron I want kids!!


NotmyNeko: did u really think that would work


ElectricBoogaloo: it was worth a shot


AccidentallyDad; no it really wasn’t


ElectricBoogaloo: meh


FuckityFuck: Ren and Yuri huh? They look very precious


Thoushaltshutup: all three of them are


FuckityFuck: that they are


NotmyNeko: Kyouka went and put a blanket over them and Jun awed out loud




Shadowbanned: that’s okay it was warranted


Thoushaltshutup: Kenji is now the oldest of seven children


Legallydad: that is one big family


CATana: almost as big as your ego


Legallydad: WILL U STOP


Legallydad: It was an innocent comment T-T


GremlinwaKnife: well they sure are an interesting bunch


Noticemesenpai: that they are


Thoushaltshutup: I love them, though. They’re such nice people


FRICKINLEMONS: well based off of Kenji then yes id like to assume so


EmoAsthatic: oh look the lemon maniac has a heart


Bandades_and_Babes: nope just a soft spot for the kid


AccidentallyDad: don’t we all have a soft spot for him though


Ginge: yes


NotmyNeko: yep


GremlinwaKnife: absolutely


Thoushaltshutup: yes yes we do


UpforStabs: its warranted


Noticemesenpai: but ur bias


UpforStabs: idc


Noticemesenpai: fair enough have a good day


FRICKINLEMONS: lol wtf Higuchi


Noticemesenpai: idk man I need coffee


EmoAsthmatic: we just had coffee


Noticemesenpai: I need more coffee


FuckityFuck: pkease don’t turn into Chuuya


ElectricBoogaloo: its not worth it


AngryChuuyaNoises: stop being a jerkkkk


ElectricBoogaloo: come and love me then


AngryChuuyaNoises: later I have paperwork to do


ElectricBoogaloo: loves waits for no one


Bandades_and_Babes: yes it does


AngryChuuyaNoises: it does now


Accidentallydad: ayayay


1:00 pm



Chapter Text

Another day without an active case meant another day for the Agency to be distracted by an overly excitable four-year-old. Emiko ran around the office in circles chanting some song about cows from her village, making the stuffed cow Kunikida gave her dance around as she did so. Kenji repeatedly tried to get her to stop and sit down but it never lasted for more than five minutes.


When she once again hopped off of her chair and wandered over to Dazai for the fifth time that morning, Kenji groaned and rested his forehead on his desk. “How does she have so much energy?”


Jun laughed. “Kenji, she’s four.”


“Four with the energy of an Olympian on crack.”


“Don’t think so,” he said, flicking Kenji’s ear.


“Ow. Hey, Kyouka. Atsushi doesn’t have cocaine in his closet too, does he?”


A breathy laugh escaped the girl across from him and she took in his groggy eyes staring up at her. “No, I don’t think so. You look really tired.”


“I didn’t sleep.”


“Why not?”


“Because of the gremlin with the cow.”


Jun choked on his coffee and nearly spit it out on his laptop. “Man, you really must be tired.”


“Why do you say that?”


“Because you’re grumpy.”


“Don’t make me punt you.”


Shaking his head, Jun went back to his work, still laughing to himself. Kyouka on the other hand closed her laptop and took his hands. “You should go have a nap.”


“I’m fine, Kyouka.”


She gave him a look. “Well, that’s an obvious lie. You can barely keep your eyes open, hun.”


“I’ll just get some coffee.”


“You’ve already had two cups of coffee since you got here an hour ago.”


He furrowed his brows. “I have?”






“Okay, that’s it.”


“Kyouka, what are you—Kyouka!” She’d circled around to his side of the bank of desks and pulled his chair back, tugging him up. “No, I can’t—”


“You can and you will, you’ve barely slept in two days.”


He continued to protest as she tugged his arm, not getting anywhere once he dug his heels in. “I have work to do, Ky, I can’t just slack off.”


“Don’t make me make Kunikida mom you. Or worse, I’ll get your actual mom to mom you—she already thinks you’re working too hard.”


His eyes widened. “Anything but that.”


“Then come on.” This time when she tugged on him he let her, following her to one of the reception areas with a couch. She pushed him down to sit on the couch, watching as he stared up at her with pleading eyes. “No. Sleep.”


“But my work isn’t done.”


“Don’t worry about that, I’ll get it done for you.”




She narrowed her eyes. “No buts. Now sleep. Emiko won’t think to look for you in here. Plus, she too busy playing cow with Dazai to even notice that you’re gone.”


“Fine,” he sighed. “But not for too long, okay?”


“I’ll come back and wake you in a few hours.”


“Okay. Please don’t tell me mom I’m slacking.”


She kissed his forehead before backing away. “I won’t, and you’re not slacking. Get some sleep okay?”




She turned without another word and headed back into the main office, snorting at Dazai’s pained face as the young girl sat on his back. He’d clearly fallen while they were playing cow and she didn’t feel like moving. And Kunikida made no effort to help him despite being right next to his desk.


Kyouka sat back down in her chair and pulled Kenji’s laptop towards her. Luckily it hadn’t locked itself, but she was sure she could probably guess his password without too much trouble, he wasn’t the most tech savvy person. At all. On the screen was a case report he’d half-finished and another case file he was meant to take notes on for the coming days’ case. Kyouka nodded to herself and began typing, hoping to get his work done before their lunch break so she wouldn’t have to work through it.


It went by seamlessly until about half an hour later when the keyboard seemed to vibrate beneath her hands. She scowled at it, but then realized what was going on and glanced over at Junichiro with raised brows. He didn’t look at her, but she didn’t think he was necessarily looking a anything in particular anyway.




He startled. “Huh? Yeah?”


“Can you please stop bouncing your leg?”


“Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry, Kyouka.”


“It’s okay. Are you alright? You looked pretty zoned out.”


He rubbed the back of his neck. “Feeling a little off today, but yeah, I’m alright. Thanks for asking, though.”


She nodded, then went back to work. For the most part it wasn’t hard to focus. But, like any other day, Ranpo’s endless snacks and Kunikida and Dazai bickering were slightly distracting. All in all it wasn’t too bad—pretty slow going.


She’d barely finished that thought before the office door opened, revealing Haruno, who escorted a tall blonde lady into the room. The woman had nearly waist-length hair and elaborate acrylic nails, which Lucy clearly envied by the look on her face. She was only visible to Kyouka for a moment before she was brought into the reception area behind the one Kenji currently slept in. Most of the office hadn’t seemed to notice her, which Kyouka found funny when her black heels made an obnoxious clicking noise with every step she took.


Haruno exited the reception area without the woman and came into office. Crossing the room, she didn’t stop until she was right in front of Poe, who looked up at her with raised brows as he took out his ear plugs. “Can I help you, Haruno-san?”


“We have a client here who has requested you.”




She furrowed her brows at the confusion in his voice. “Yes, you. Why so surprised, Poe-san?”


“I just haven’t had any requests.”


“Well you are a great detective,” said Ranpo through his mouthful of chips. “Not as good as me, mind you, but still great!”


Poe seemed torn between blushing and rolling his eyes and awkwardly decided to do both. Well, if he decided or not didn’t matter, his body decided for him. “I suppose so.”


“She also seems to speak English and not much Japanese.”


“Ah, that makes sense.”


Haruno nodded at him as he stood, and she led him to the hallway. “The second on the right.”


“Thank you.”


Haruno turned on her heel and left, heading into the back room with the other clerks. Poe took a deep breath, clasped his hands behind his back, and walked into the booth.


“Hello, Edgar.”


He brought his eyes up to land on the woman at the use of his given name and yelped, stepping backwards before he tripped and collapsed against the wall. “Melissa?”


A smirk edged onto her face. “Are you scared of me, Eddie? Some things never change.”


“Don’t call me that.”


“But why not? You are my Eddie, aren’t you?”




“Yes, you are.”


Poe shook his head, his voice shaky. “I’m not.”


“Oh, Eddie, won’t you come home already?”


No. Why are you here, Melissa?”


“I wanted to bring you home with me. You’ve been gone for far too long.”


Poe ground his teeth together, breathing hard. “How did you find me?”


“Oh, that was easy,” she barked, clearly overjoyed at her own discovery. “When you ran away I spent forever trying to find you. And with that pesky ability of yours I was sure, once I heard about it, that you’d joined the guild. And of course, I heard about what happened from the families of the other members, and one of them said you never came back.”


Poe’s nails dug into his palms, red crescents forming in the skin as his arms shook. “So you came all the way here to find me?”


“Of course I did, Eddie. I had to bring you home somehow. Your parents are so worried about you.”


“Fuck my parents,” he snapped. “Fuck you!”


She raised her brows in amusement. “Such fowl language from someone so incompetent. Now, up you get Eddie.”


“Stop calling me that!”


His voice echoed through the office, getting the attention of the other agents. A few of them jumped up, rushing into the hall when they saw Poe crumpled against the wall. Kunikida got there first, followed by Yosano, Ranpo, and Lucy. He crossed his arms, glaring at the woman on the couch. “What is the meaning of this?”


She raised her brows at him and spoke in very poor Japanese, “Nihongo o hanasemasen.” (I don’t speak Japanese).


“Sounds to me like you do,” said Ranpo in English.


Melissa narrowed her eyes at him. “You speak English?”


“As a matter of fact, I do. Now can you tell me what happened to cause my friend here to end up on the floor?”


Why don’t you ask him?”


“What did she say?” Kunikida asked.


“She said to ask Poe what happened.”


Rolling his eyes, Kunikida turned to Poe, the snark dropping from his face when he spoke to him. “What happened, Poe-san?”


Poe stared up at him, eyes widening as he realized he couldn’t process what was being said to him. He shook his head, mumbling to himself, then looked back to Kunikida. “I don’t understand.”


“What did he say?”


“He said he doesn’t understand,” said Ranpo, kneeling down beside Poe. “What happened? Can you tell me?”


“She shouldn’t be here.”


“This client?”


He nodded, fury burning in his eyes while he shook with tremors. Ranpo watched him for a moment, then looked across at Melissa, noticing the ring on her finger. “Is this your wife? Melissa?”




Ranpo jumped up, jabbing his finger at the woman. “How dare you come in here, you stupid c*nt!”


Lucy cringed at the word, causing Kunikida and Yosano to look at her. She shook her head. “I’m not translating that for you.”


“What’s going on, though?” Yosano asked.


Lucy paused. “Ranpo, what’s going on? Who is she?”


“Poe’s wife!”


Lucy gasped, stepping forward, hands balled into fists. “Who do you think you are? Get your bitch ass out of here before I make you!”


Kunikida glanced over his shoulder. “Dazai, I need your help here for a minute.”


Squinting, Dazai jogged over. “What’s going on?”


“I know you said you’re trash at English, but can you translate for us, please?”


“I only want Eddie to come home with me. It’s been so long.”


“As if I’m gunna let you do that,” Lucy screeched.


How are you gunna stop me, bitch? And who are you to tell me what to do! Who are you, his bitch or something?”


“I will fuck you up if you don’t get out of here right fucking now.”


She rolled her eyes, pushing herself to her feet. She stood a bit taller than Lucy, glaring down at her with piercing blue eyes. “Not until he comes home. This man is worth a small fortune, and that money is supposed to be mine. Give him to me.”


“You’re such a heartless c*nt, you know that.”


“I’m not translating that,” said Dazai.


Do you think I give a rat’s ass? If I get him back to America and to his parents, they get what they want and I get what I want. Now back off and let me take my husband home.”


“You’re barking up the wrong fucking tree, bitch.”


“Are you going to translate that, Dazai?” Yosano asked, glancing over at him.


Dazai furrowed his brows. “I… I don’t know how to translate that. I have no idea what the fuck that’s supposed to mean.”


“Listen here,” said Ranpo, kneeling half in front of Poe to block him from her. “You get out of here or I’ll set someone on you who will force you out.”


“Oh yeah? How?”


“Fancy a trip out the window? I don’t think your dress would look so good torn up by the tarmac.”


She narrowed her eyes. “I’ll find a way to get him back to America. A way that he’ll have to come with me.”


Have fun with that,” Lucy taunted.


Melissa flipped her off and stepped out into the hallway. She glared down at Poe, who’s eyes no longer held fury but fear. She shook her head at him and spat at his feet. “You’re pathetic, you know? Just totally worthless.”


Poe flinched, covering his ears with his hands. Satisfied with the reaction she’d gotten from him a smirk slid back onto her face and she slipped out the office door, hells clicking all the way down the hall until they disappeared in the elevator.


They all turned back to Poe, still slumped against the wall, clenching his fists so hard his knuckles had turned as white as his face. Lucy knelt down in front of him beside Ranpo, resting a hand on his knee. The others had never heard her voice so soft when she spoke to him. “Edgar? Did she hurt you?”

 He shook his head.


“Are you okay?”


He paused, then nodded.


Are you sure? If you’re not we can go and sit somewhere quiet.”


Another shake of the head.


“No, you’re not sure?”


A nod.


“Would you feel better if we went and sat somewhere else where it was quiet?”


Another nod.


“Do you want Ranpo to come with you?”


A third nod.


“Okay. We’re going to go right now, okay? Let’s get up.”


Ranpo and Lucy worked together to pull Poe to his feet just as Yosano came back into the room with Karl. Poe snatched Karl from Yosano, burying his face in the soft fur. With a gentle hand on his back, Lucy guided him from the room, glancing back at Yosano over her shoulder. “Can one of you get the President?”


Yosano nodded and jogged off to find hi, leaving Kunikida standing alone with Dazai. He stared at the spot Poe had just vacated, mind reeling.


She-she’ll turn evil and hurt you and try to tear you to shreds.

Poe-san? Are you okay?

I am. Now that I’m here.

He was jolted from his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. Turning his head he realized that Dazai had been speaking to him. “What?”


Dazai raised a brow. “Are you alright there, Kunikida?”

“Y-yeah! I was just thinking about something.”

“About what?”

“It’s not important. What were you saying?”

Dazai laughed. “Oh nothing. Just that Chuuya is trying to find every excuse he can to come see Emiko and the twins.”

“How so?”

“He said he forgot to give me a bento for lunch this morning.”

“Does he make you bentos for lunch?”

Dazai rolled his eyes. “He’s been adamant about it.”

“Then why is it an excuse?”

“Because he did give me a bento this morning before I left the apartment.”

Kunikida huffed out a laugh. “Well if he’s coming to see them, you might want to figure out where Kenji is.”

“He’s sleeping in the next booth there.”

“He slept through that?”

Dazai shrugged with a laugh. “I guess he really didn’t sleep last night. And I can see why—Emiko had me hostage all morning.”

“And you said you don’t want kids,” said Kunikida, walking back towards the office.

“I don’t!”

“Sureeee you don’t.”

Dazai rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face.




Listen Up, Fuckers


12:00 pm

NotmyNeko: hey PM fuckers, control your executive

Legallydad: wtf do u mean

EmoAsthmatic: which one

FuckityFuck: im offended that you have to ask

EmoAsthmatic: okay and?

NotmyNeko sent a video (Chuuya stands beside Dazai’s desk, where Dazai looks up at the bento held out to him with raised brows. “What are you doing, Chibi?”

“I forgot to give you your lunch this morning.”

“Oh really?” Dazai leant down to his bag and pulled out a blue bento. “What would you call this then?”

“You deliberately trying to embarrass me.”

Dazai laughed. “Admit it, you’re here to meet the kids.”

Chuuya smacked his shoulder. “Shhh, don’t make it so obvious.”

“Atsushi’s recording this.”


Noticemesenpai: oh my god

Legallydad: 🤦🏽‍♂️ 🤦🏽‍♂️

Bandades_and_Babes: what the fuck are you doing Chuuya

GremlinwaKnife: did u even watch the video Tachi

Bandades_and_Babes: yes!

GremlinwaKnife: so youre just stupid then?

Bandades_and_Babes: no!

EmoAsthmatic: 🙄

NotmyNeko: shouldn’t he be on a case or something

Shadowbanned: what do u have against Chuuya

NotmyNeko: oh nothing

NotmyNeko: but hes an awful liar

FuckityFuck: ikr

FuckityFuck: should’ve seen him the day he tried to convince me he hadn’t fucked Dazai when he came home at five am covered in hickeys after a mission

UpforStabs: youre so lucky he’s not paying attention

FuckityFuck: meh he wouldn’t hurt me

UpforStabs: maybe not u but Dazai

EmoAsthmatic: or Atsushi for bringing it up

NotmyNeko: why must u point that out

EmoAsthmatic: its funny

Ginge: hahaha Atsushi gets beaten to a pulp by natures weakest force hahaha

Bandades_and_Babes: what is wrong with you

Ginge: a lot

Bandades_and_Babes: clearly

NotmyNeko: ignore him hes hopped up on five cups of coffee

UpforStabs: now I know where Kenji gets it from

GremlinwaKnife: I stg that kid lives off of water and a bajillion cups of coffee

UpforStabs: and whatever monstrosity I try to cook that day

NotmyNeko: no one should let you near the kitchen

UpforStabs: shhh hes teaching me

FRICKINLEMONS: I thought she could cook?

NotmyNeko: yeah one dish. One singular dish.

NotmyNeko: I got a little sick of it

FRICKINLEMONS: well im a little sick of u

NotmyNeko: u haven’t seen me in forever

Noticemesenpai: I think ur internal calendar is a bit off there atsushi it hasn’t been that long

NotmyNeko: yeah well whatever

EmoAsthmatic: oi Kajii lay off my bf

FRICKINLEMONS: why u would’ve said the same thing

EmoAsthmatic: yes but its loving when I do it

NotmyNeko: is it?

EmoAsthmatic: shut up it is

NotmyNeko: I do?

EmoAsthmatic: jinko

NotmyNeko: lol

AccidentallyDad sent a video (Chuuya is crouched on the ground in front of Emiko making a face up at her while she giggles. “You look silly!”

“I do?”


He pulled a different face. “How about now?’

She laughed harder. “Now you look sillier.”

He fake gasped, falling back on his butt. “I look sillier?”


He tipped his hat down over his face, then mumbled, “How about now?”

Emiko stepped forward and pulled his hat away, giggling like crazy. “Even more sillier!”

“Even more sillier? No way!”

Emiko put the hat on her head and ran in a circle around him before he wiggled his fingers at her. “Careful with my hat, or I’m gunna getcha.”

“Not Mr. Tickle!” She screeched, laughter bubbling up louder as she ran around him again.

Chuuya made a rawr noise and pulled her down into his lap, ticking her while she smiled and shrieked with laughter. “I gotcha now!”

“Kenji! The silly man got me!”

The camera panned to Kenji, who had a cup of coffee halfway to his lips with a raised brow and an amused smile. Kyouka took the coffee from his hand and set it on her desk. Then a hand took it from hers and the camera panned to Jun, who took a sip without even looking up. Kenji’s jaw dropped and Kyouka huffed, pursing her lips.)

GremlinwaKnife: awwww

Shadowbanned: hes so good with kids!!!

AccidentallyDad: and yet, Dazai says no to children

ElectricBoogaloo: id rather not pass on my fucked up genes thanks

Legallydad: is that really why you don’t want kids?

ElectricBoogaloo: we don’t need a second demon prodigy to suffer through life now do we? I think it would kill Chuuya to have to watch it, too

UpforStabs sent an image (Atsushi stands behind Dazai’s chair, pouting as he hugs him).

Legallydad: Dazai-kun… I’m sure that won’t happen if you have kids

ElectricBoogaloo: I know you remember what I was like.

GeronimoStilton: and look how much you’ve changed!

Notatanizaki: besides who says the child has to biologically be yours? Maybe it will be Chuuya’s

ElectricBoogaloo: I just don’t think it’s a good idea… I don’t want to fuck up anyone more than I already have

Stopsignsgobrr sent a video (Chuuya sits on a couch, holding Yuri while Sora, seemingly feeling a bit better, sits beside him while holding Ren.

“They’re beautiful,” said Chuuya.

Sora smiled. “I’m a lucky mom.”

Chuuya gazed down at Yuri, then booped his nose lightly with the tip of one slender finger. The baby boy stared up at him, and although Chuuya knew he couldn’t really see him, warmth fluttered in his chest. Yuri wrapped a tiny fist around Chuuya’s finger and the happiness in his eyes was tangible).

FuckityFuck: look at him, Dazai

ElectricBoogaloo: I cant… because I know how happy he will be. And I feel bad for not giving him what he wants. Ive fucked up enough already

Accidentallydad: Don’t say that

ElectricBoogaloo: why not its true? Chuuya would be so happy with a kid and I just don’t want to ruin that for him, bc if that baby ends up like me, ends up some demon or killer or idk fucking suicidal?? Messed up in the head?? No one wants a child like that! And that would kill Chuuya!

Legallydad: just because you had a hard time growing up, and in later years because of me among other things, doesn’t mean your kid would be the same.

FuckityFuck: theres so much else involved Dazai-kun. At least give it some more thought. Chuuya would be a great father to that baby. And im sure you would be too

ElectricBoogaloo: don’t lie to me Ane-san

Accidentallydad: I agree with her Dazai

ElectricBoogaloo: but why?

Accidentallydad: I think youd be a good dad. You’ve learned and changed a lot

NotmyNeko: look at me you didn’t fuck me up

UpforStabs: Atsushi—

Accidentallydad: no no hes right. That’s progress. And given time and the right people (meaning Chuuya) I think you would be perfectly fine

NotmyNeko: Dazai-san where are you going?

ElectricBoogaloo: I need air

Legallydad: Kunikida

Accidentallydad: on it

Hermit: guys why the fuck is Fitzgerald here

AccidentallyDad: long fucking story

Hermit: okay?

UpforStabs: well this day has turned into chaos

Stopsignsgobrr: wait now where is Jun going

UpforStabs: Jun?

NotmyNeko: nope im going

GremlinwaKnife: going where?

NotmyNeko: after him


Atsushi pushed the bathroom door open, slowing his pace as he came around the corner. He let out a silent sigh when he saw Jun at the other end of the room, sitting against the wall with his head in his knees. The only sound aside from his footsteps was the shaky breathing coming from his friend.

Atsushi knelt in front of him. “Jun?”

“You didn’t have to follow me,” he said, voice trembling. “I’m not going to hurt myself.”

“I trust you. I just wanted to see if you were okay, but clearly you’re not.”

“That fucked up kid Dazai was talking about? I am that fucked up kid that nobody wants.”

“You’re not fucked up. And sure you’ve been struggling, but that’s not your fault. Your parents made you that way.”

Jun didn’t look at him but pulled his legs closer to his chest. “But they didn’t want me. And Dazai doesn’t want to have a fucked up kid. A kid like me. B-but that also means that if I ever have kids they’ll be fucked up t-too! Poor Naomi…”

“Okay,” said Atsushi, resting a hand on Jun’s leg. “Which is upsetting you more right now?”

“I-I’m fine, Atsushi. I just need to calm down.”


“I wasn’t having a good day to begin with. Just hearing him talk about not wanting a kid that’s fucked up or how suicidal people are a problem and, and…”



“You have to remember that Dazai has very distorted thinking about this stuff. And even so, I don’t think he meant it that way. I think he meant that no parent wants to see their child in pain like that.”

“Mine, mine did.”

“Deep breath for me, okay?”



“5, 8… 8… 5.”

“Do you really want to hurt yourself, Jun?”

He voice was barely a whisper. “Yes.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

He shook his head. “I’m not going to do it… I just want to. Just… keep an eye on me, okay?”

“Don’t trust yourself?”

“I do right now, but just in case.”

Atsushi nodded. “Naomi is waiting outside. She wants to see you.”


“How about you go see her.”

Jun nodded, taking another long, shaky breath. “Okay.”


Kunikida jogged down the stairs and shoved the door open. He knew Dazai had gone this way despite not actually seeing him, and he was right. Dazai paced back and forth in the alley between their building and the next, arms twitching as he clenched and unclenched his hands.


“Leave me alone, Kunikida.”

He leant against the wall. “I didn’t mean to overwhelm you, Dazai. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you,” he said. “It’s not any of you, it’s me. I’m just fucked up and sure maybe I’m doing better and maybe I don’t constantly want to kill myself anymore but I’m a mess. Just look at me! How can I ever be a parent?”


“I mean you, you’re going to be a great dad! But me? I’d never be a good father to that child. Never in a million years! I-I’m not a good person, Kunikida, I’m not!”

“But you’re trying.”

“Clearly not hard enough.”

“No parents are perfect, Dazai.”

“But they need to at least not fuck their kids up! I mean look at me! Look at Jun! Look at Atsushi! When you take care of a kid you can’t be… you can’t be like me.”


“A-and poor Chuuya! I mean, just looking at him hurt because I know he wants kids so bad. He really wants a family and either way I’m going to ruin that for him! I just… I just don’t know what to do!”

“You don’t have to know right now.”

Dazai’s head whipped up, staring across the alley at Chuuya, who stood in the doorway. “Chuuya…”

Chuuya crossed to him, pulling him down into a kiss. “I’m sorry for making you feel so conflicted, it was never my intention.”

“I just want to make you happy. I spent so long making you unhappy that I want to make it all up to you but I can’t I just can’t. I can’t give you what you want.”

“Osamu, you are what I want. More than anything else. Okay?”

Dazai stopped and stared at him. “Don’t say that…”

“I’m choosing you despite the fact that we might never have kids. And I’m okay with that. Because I want you more.”

Dazai yanked Chuuya into a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I’m just… right now…”

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me anymore. I… heard and saw enough to understand. And I’m sorry.”

Dazai shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.”

“And I’m going to leave,” said Kunikida, bowing out. The pair couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

“I might be ready some day, Chuuya… but not right now.”

“We don’t have to decide now anyway, there’s no rush Osamu.”

“I know,” he sighed.

“How about we sit down tonight, or another night if it’s too much today, and really have a talk about this?”

Dazai nodded against the top of Chuuya’s head. “That works for me. Sorry for freaking out.”

“It’s okay. I understand now.”

Dazai was distracted then by a buzz in his pocket. Pulling away from Chuuya he slipped his hand in and retrieved it, raising a brow at the screen. Skeptically, he opened the message and typed back.



Legallydad: Dazai-kun?

ElectricBoogaloo: what

Legallydad: This is going to be incredibly awkward, but hear me out. Please.

ElectricBoogaloo: okay… what do you want?

Legallydad: I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while but didn’t know how to. But I owe you a lot of apologies.

ElectricBoogaloo: and?

Legallydad: will you meet me for coffee? I’ll even come to Uzumaki so you don’t have to leave the ADA. I don’t want any trouble, no exec offers, no nothing. Just to apologize and talk.

ElectricBoogaloo: … fine. Meet me in twenty minutes.

Legallydad: Deal.

Legallydad: Thank you for giving me a chance, Dazai-kun

ElectricBoogaloo: we’ll see

Lgeallydad: of course

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers

Thursday, 12:00 pm


Shithead sent a video (The camera is half-hidden, facing Ranpo as he sits at his desk. He grins at the camera, then places a tortilla chip in his mouth and raises his gaze about the camera. “Hey, Akiko?”


From across the room, Yosano responds. “Yeah?”


“You know how to crack someone’s neck right?”




“Can you crack mine? I’m really sore.”


“Sure.” Her heels click across the floor, and then she’s behind Ranpo, unaware of the camera. She places her hands in the right spot and moves them to crack his neck. At the same time, Ranpo bites down on the chip and Yosano jumps back, horrified. “Oh my God! Ranpo? Ranpo, are you okay?”


He doesn’t respond, letting his head droop for a moments, until Yosano forces his head up. “Boo!”


“Holy shit!”


He sticks his tongue out. “It was just a chip.”


“That’s not funny! I’m so going to get you back for this!”)


Shadowbanned: that’s so mean!!!


GeronimoStilton: Dazai’s done it to me before


AngryChuuyaNoises: me too


AccidentallyDad: me three


LegallyDad: me four


Shadowbanned: what the fuck


UpforStabs: its okay I did it to Atsushi and Kenji both


NotmyNeko: u scared the shit out of me


Stopsignsgobrr: it wasn’t funny I thought I actually killed you T-T


Bandades_and_Babes: that’s such a mean prank to play on someone w super strength


UpforStabs: yeah I didn’t realize that until I turned around and he was crying




UpforStabs: its okay tho!!


Stopsignsgobrr: it wasn’t okay thoooo


Noticemesenpai: omg


Stopsignsgobrr: I was so scared bc I could actually kill you! I don’t always know my own strength


AccidentallyDad: remember the onsen?


Ginge: LOL


Stopsignsgobrr: don’t remind me


NotmyNeko: didn’t Dazai take the river there?


Ginge: yep


AccidentallyDad: I enjoyed that trip despite the chaos. Onsen has healing properties that I needed


NotmyNeko: I told u! Yosano can just heal us!


AccidentallyDad: yeah that’s what you said to Jun too and look how that turned out


ElectricBoogaloo: “NOOO! DON’T DISSECT MEEE!”


Ginge: -_-


Ginge: whyd u have to bring that up


NotmyNeko: I was concerned


Ginge: as u should have been


Stopsignsgobrr: I think we both were


NotmyNeko: that and I think I was deaf for a bit after that


Ginge: u were the one who tried to hold me up so I didn’t drown


NotmyNeko: well yeah!


Ginge: eh shoulda let me


NotmyNeko: please stop joking about that Junichiro


Ginge: sorry force of habit


ElectricBoogaloo: I feel that


Thoushaltshutup: can I drown Ranpo?


CATana: yes


Shithead: Dad T-T


Bandades_and_Babes: judging by your reaction when u thought u killed Ranpo, im gunna call ur bluff


Thoushaltshutup: fine ill just drown u then


Bandades_and_Babes: how about no??


Thoushaltshutup: welp I guess ill just go fuck myself then


ElectricBoogaloo: pfffffttttt


FRICKINLEMONS: that’s all tachi knows how to do


Bandades_and_Babes: ill shove a lemon up your asshole




Stopsignsgobrr: oh for fuck sake


Shithead: 😂


Bandades_and_Babes: don’t test me I will


FRICKINLEMONS: it wont kill me


Bandades_and_Babes: no but having a lemon lodged in your asshole might hurt


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s a butplug you haven’t tried yet Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: I hate you sm rn


Stopsignsgobrr: whats a butplug


AngryChuuyaNoises: not it


Ginge: nose goes


NotmyNeko: not fair u cant see all of us im out on a mission!


Ginge: sucks to be u


Stopsignsgobrr: fine fine ill just google it


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO


ElectricBoogaloo: yeah do it


Bandades_and_Babes: make sure u put “lemon” in front of it


Stopsignsgobrr: okay


Thoushaltshutup: nO


AccidentallyDad: no what the fuck??!!


FRICKINLEMONS: have fun w that little buddy


NotmyNeko: why must u guys do this to him


NotmyNeko: Kenji don’t look that up


UpforStabs sent an image (Kenji stares at his phone with wide, horrified eyes)


Bandades_and_Babes: BAHAHAHAHA


Ginge: 🤦🏽‍♂️




AccidentallyDad: too much apparently


Stopsignsgobrr: WTF


Stopsignsgobrr: WHY


Stopsignsgobrr: DOESN’T THAT HURT


AngryChuuyaNoises: meh


Bandades_and_Babes: wait until he finds out what BDSM is


Thoushaltshutup: STOP


UpforStabs: oh god


NotmyNeko: how do YOU know what that is


UpforStabs: I looked into some stuff a while ago and feel down an internet rabbit hole


NotmyNeko: oh my god


Stopsignsgobrr: whats BDSM


AccidentallyDad: still so innocent


Stopsignsgobrr: cmon im not THAT innocent


NotmyNeko: whats that?


Stopsignsgobrr: im an absolute angel what r u talking about


NotmyNeko: uh huh


EmoAsthmatic: Atsushi




EmoAsthmatic: I AM NOT


Ginge: fight fight fight


Noticemesenpai: you punched Tachihara




Noticemesenpai: and im pretty sure Kenji has done the same to Kyouka and Atsushi hasn’t beat him up


EmoAsthmatic: that’s bc he would shatter his fist


Noticemesenpai: 🤦🏻‍♀️


Noticemesenpai: ur missing the point


Stopsignsgobrr: HEY DON’T PUT IT LIKE THAT




NotmyNeko: was he wrong


Stopsignsgobrr: YES


UpforStabs: so defensive


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah go look up BSDM or something


Stopsignsgobrr: fine I will!


Shadowbanned: nO


GeronimoStilton: this poor guy


Shadowbanned: Jun r u not gunna stop him


Ginge: hell no this is my entertainment while im stuck on desk duty




Bandades_and_Babes: 😂  😂


FRICKINLEMONS: at least now u know


Bandades_and_Babes: 👀  👀


Stopsignsgobrr: I will beat u both up don’t even worry about it


UpforStabs: u have a few hours to kill first tho find somewhere good to hide


Stopsignsgobrr: fight me lets go


UpforStabs: babe if u go now ur gunna get YOUR ass beat up


Stopsignsgobrr: I didn’t wanna knowwwwww


Shithead: lol sound familiar?


AccidentallyDad: stfu Ranpo


Shithead: no uwu


Noticemesenpai: Ranpo was the original culprit and now its tachi wtf


Bandades_and_Babes: ur welcome


Noticemesenpai: go gie palmala some attention


Stopsginsgobrr: whats palmala


Ginge: your right hand


Stopsginsgobrr: wtf why


Ginge: I am not explaining this to you


ElectricBoogaloo: Kunikida left the room so he wouldn’t have to explain


Ginge: update Kyouka is laughing her ass off and kenji has buried his face in the wooden desk out of embarrassment and I am NOT going to repeat what he said


Shadowbanned: why I wanna know


Thoushaltshutup: no you don’t trust me


Ginge: no u don’t LOL




Thoushaltshutup: oh your poor innocent cinnamon role


UpforStabs: LMAOOO


AngryChuuyaNoises: u cant tell me he didn’t know what that was hes 14


Stopsigngobrr: no I did I just didn’t know ppl refered to it like that! Also Ranpo’s being an overly large dick and embarrassing me in front of my gf


Shithead: ur just lucky ur mom and Emiko weren’t here to hear that


THoushaltshutup: lucky for him theyre in the infirmary


Stopsignsgobrr: if my mom heard that id literally kill myself


NotmyNeko: kajbdehfri NOT YOU TOO


Stopsignsgobrr: I WAS KIDDING


Stopsignsgobrr: mostly


NotmyNeko: KENJI


Stopsignsgobrr: RELAX




Shithead: bullying the innocent boi tm


GremlinwaKnife: stop picking on Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: how did u know he meant me??


GremlinwaKnife: …


NotmyNeko: …


Ginge: …


AngryChuuyaNoises: …


Shadowbanned: …


UpforStabs: …


Thoushaltshutup: oh honey


Bandades_and_Babes: lol even ur own girlfriend


FRICKINLEMONS: maybe hes not getting more than u after all


Bandades_and_Babes: I WILL shove that lemon up your ass


Stopsignsgobrr: pls stop T-T


GremlinwaKnife: lol sucks to be Kyouka






AngryChuuyaNoises: pls don’t


Ginge: don’t need another broken asshole




Ginge: PFFT


NotmyNeko: Ill break YOU


Ginge: u couldn’t hurt me


NotmyNeko: shut up T-T


Bandades_and_Babes: fine ill shove a lime up his ass instead


FRICKINLEMONS: go jerk off into your pillowcase


Stopsginsgobrr: that’s disgusting


FRICKINLEMONS: youre disgusting


Stopsignsgobrr: I know


Thoushaltshutup: whats disgusting us Ranpo’s stupid prank


Shithead; I thought it was funny


Thoushaltshutup: next time I really will crack your neck


Shithead: do it pussy boi


Thoushaltshutup: …


AccidentallyDad: idk what shes planning but its something evil


Legallydad: that’s never good


Noticemesenpai: no evil tends not to be


Legallydad: -_-


Noticemesenpai: pitch one down the middle im gunna swing


EmoAsthmatic: ur a volleyball player


Noticemesenpai: set one too me and im gunna spike?


Ginge: hell yeah


Noticemesenpai: hey what did everyone else do for a club in school?


AccidentallyDad: soccer


ElectricBoogaloo: no shit


GeronimoStilton: debate


Shadowbanned: to the surprise of no one


Shadowbanned: I did Judo




Bandades_and_Babes: I did basketball


Notatanizaki: im in dance!


BabyMomma: I was in calligraphy


Hermit: broadcasting


Stopsignsgobrr: that soinds cool!


Hermit: it was pretty fun tbh


Ithinknot: I was in my school band, played volleyball, and was in the social justice group


NotmyNeko: u could do more than one thing?


Ithinknot: oh yeah! Esp at a small school like mine


HorrorWhore: I believe Louisa was both in student government and choir


EmoAsthmatic: wasn’t she the really quiet one?


Ithinknot: yeah


EmoAsthmatic: she was in choir??


HorrorWhore: yeah she really loved it


Noticemesenpai: I played volleyball but I really wanted to do choir too!


Bandades_and_Babes: wasn’t your sister in choir?


Noticemesenpai: yeah she was and she loved it


GeronimoStilton: well u both have amazing voices


Noticemesenpai: aw thank you <#


Shadowbanned: im gunna barf


GeronimoStilton: not on Ayatsuji hopefully


Shadowbanned: on his doll maybe


GeronimoStilton: evil


Ginge: deserved


Shadowbanned: 😰


Ginge: I still haven’t recovered from that


Shadowbanned: sorryyyy


Ginge: wasn’t ur fault lol


NotmyNeko: what


Ginge: the crazy man hung me upside down over a fire


UpforStabs: oh my god!


GremlinwaKnife: holy shit


Ginge: I mean im fine but it was pretty unpleasant


Shadowbanned: yeah im sorry about that. Glad ur okay


NotmyNeko: me too geez


FRICKINLEMONS: can someone tell Tachihara I didn’t mean literally go jerk off


Noticemesenpai: LMAO WHAT


FRICKINLEMONS: I can hear him in there and I need to talk to him but I don’t wanna walk in


UpforStabs: coward


Ginge: do it pussy

FRICKINLEMONS: dude I don’t wanna see his dick


ElectricBoogaloo: just do it


Noticemesenpai: JUST DO ITTTTTT


Ithinknot: DO ITTTTTTT






FRICKINLEMONS: I aint scared of no shrimp dick




Ginge: oh lord jesus wtf


Ithinknot: u fucking heard me Junichiro


Ginge: yes and I wish I hadn’t


Stopsignsgobrr: my fucking eyes






ElectricBoogaloo: oh god this isn’t another flavourd condom incident is it


Ginge: oh my GOD IT WAS HARUNO


BabyMomma: ur just now figuring this out


Stopsignsgobrr: looks like u might have some new patients to treat laer Yosano


Thoushaltshutup: I leave for two seconds and NOW Kunikida decides to beat Dazai up??


Thoushaltshutup: he couldn’t have waited twenty minutes


Ginge: no apparently not


Noticemesenpai: wtf did u see Kajii


Legallydad: im curious too


Ithinknot: the shrimp dick wasn’t enough for his big mouth


HorrorWhore: sometimes u concern me


Ithinknot: good


NotmyNeko: don’t wory she concerns me too


Ithinknot: even better


NotmyNeko: 😒




EmoAsthmatic: Gin might have some from the… incident


NotmyNeko: the incident oh my lord 😂


EmoAsthmatic: no.




Noticemesenpai: u didn’t 🤭


Shadowbanned: oh my god he did






UpforStabs: rip


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh fuck


HorrorWhore: oh no


GeronimoStilton: lol their turn now


Shadowbanned: fuck u


GeronimoStilton: 😂






Thoushaltshutup: note to self, in order to defeat Kajii, show him a woman




THoushaltshutup: not if ur gunna malfunction on me


Shithead; that’s why???


Thoushaltshutuo: hush im funny


Shithead; yeah sure okay Akiko alright


GremlinwaKnife: yall don’t know anything okay?




EMoAsthmatic: u mean u?


Bandades_and_Babes: AW FUCKKKKKKK


GremlinwaKnife: pls don’t kill him


Noticemesenpai: and somehow theres still not together


GremlinwaKnife: 🖕


EmoAthmatic: u can run but u cant hide


Bandades_and_Babes: fuck.

Chapter Text

Swiping through his phone, Atsushi tapped his foot on the floor as he waited for Kyouka. He glanced up at the paused movie and snorted at the expression on the man’s face, then glanced around the dorm. Kyouka stood at the counter, making a snack for the two of them. He’d been wary at first, but she’d insisted, and he couldn’t resist letting her try something. After all, several agency members at this point had taught her something small, so how bad could it be really?


Movement by his foot caught his attention and he smiled as the small rabbit hopped about on the floor, sniffing everything it came close to. The cage sat in the corner with the door open, one of the toys lying haphazardly between the cage and the floor. No doubt Kyouka would come back and sit cross-legged on the floor and haul the bunny into her lap as they finished their movie.


A knock on the door made Atsushi flinch and he raised his brows. Getting up from his seat, he made sure the bunny was nowhere near the door before pulling it open, revealing three people standing on the other side.


“Kenji-kun, hi!”


The young boy smiled up at Atsushi. “Hi, Atsushi. Is Kyouka here? I wanted to say goodbye before I head home.”


“Oh yeah, how long are you going home for again?”


“Just a week, but it will be nice to visit with everybody.”


Atsushi nodded. “I’m sure it will be. And yeah, she’s here.” He turned to look over his shoulder. “Kyouka, Kenji’s here!”


Quick footsteps echoed in the dorm, stopped briefly, and then resumed until Kyouka appeared in the doorway. “Hi.”


Atsushi squinted at her. “Why did you bring her?”


“She was biting the table leg.”


Sora laughed from where she stood behind Kenji, holding Emiko’s hand. “Did you choose a name for her yet, Kyouka?”


“Mhmm. Her name is Socks.”


“Socks?” Emiko echoed.


“Well, she looks like she has socks on because of her fur. So why not?”


Sora laughed. “Very fitting, dear.”


“Thank you.”


“Well, I will leave you guys to talk. Sora, it was nice to meet you.” Then he knelt down and held his arms out for Emiko, who walked right into them. He gave her a squeeze. “I hope you had fun with my tiger.”


“I did,” she giggled, offering a beaming smile.


He straightened, returning her smile. Kenji stepped forward then and gave Atsushi a quick hug, which the boy returned. “See you soon, Kenji-kun. Enjoy your time at home—don’t work too hard.”


“You know I will.


“I know.” He chuckled, taking Socks from Kyouka to return her to her cage for the time being.


With Atsushi back in the dorm, Kyouka stepped outside and closed the door. “I’m very happy I got to meet you,” she said to Sora.


The young woman held her arms out to Kyouka, who immediately hugged her back. “I’m happy to have met you, too. I couldn’t wait to meet someone so important to Kenji. He wrote home to us about you more than once, asking for advice. Not that he took, our advice, of course. It wasn’t what he said was ‘city appropriate.’”




Kyouka chuckled, a blush appearing on her cheeks. “Well, that’s news to me. I thought I was the hopeless one.”


“Oh no,” Sora laughed. “Definitely not. You should’ve seen babbling and the questions that came from this one.”




She ruffled his hair. “Oh, I’m just teasing you.”


“I know.”


Emiko tugged on Kyouka’s sleeve and when she looked down, the blond girl gazed back up at her with big eyes. “Kyouka?”




“Will you come visit soon?”


“Of course I will.”


“And can I have a hug?”


“Of course you can.”


When she stood back up after releasing Emiko, Kyouka turned her attention to Kenji. He smiled at her and stepped forwards, encircling her waist. “I’ll be back soon.” 


“I know. Have a good time.”


“Thank you. Just remember that I can’t text or call while I’m at home, I’ll be too far out of range.”


“I know.”




Kyouka wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes before they pulled back. He leant forward a bit and then stopped, glancing to the side at his mom and sister, clearing his throat before Sora gave him a little push on the back.


“Oh just kiss her, already.”


Unable to hold back a laugh, he did as she said, smiling as Kyouka kissed him back.


Emiko wrinkled her nose. “Ew.”


Kenji continued to laugh as he pulled away, looking down at her. “What, do I have cooties?”




He rolled his eyes when he looked at Kyouka, but looked back at Emiko, wiggling his fingers. “Then you better hope I don’t catch you.”


She shrieked and ran off towards the stairs, causing Sora to sigh. “Goodbye, Kyouka, dear. We will see you soon.”


“Bye… Mom.”


With a smile, Sora turned and followed Emiko. Kenji pecked her lips one last time. “See you soon.”


With that he turned his back and left, heading down to the Ihatov sheriff’s beat up old lemon. They packed in the car, waiting as Sora adjusted the twins, and she waved back at them as they pulled out of the lot.


With a sigh, she turned back to the dorm and headed inside, pushing the door closed behind her with her foot. And, as if to cheer her up, she was greeted with a peculiar sight. Atsushi trying to pry Socks off of his face as it nibbled at his tiger ears.


“What possessed you to try that, Atsu?”


“I don’t know! I wasn’t thinking!”




“Just help me, please.”


She snickered and pulled out her phone. “I’m sending this to Junichiro.”




Listen Up, Fuckers


Sunday, 6:00 pm


Thoushaltshutup: u guys remember how Ranpo pranked me so I thought I’d broken his neck?


Bandades_and_Babes: yes?


GeronimoStilton: of course


ElectricBoogaloo: hard to forget that lol


NotmyNeko: why?


Thoushaltshutup: I thought that you’d appreciate the fact that I got him back for that


AngryChuuyaNoises: how??


ElectricBoogaloo: do we get to see what you did?


Thoushaltshutup: I don’t think you want to LMAO


UpforStabs: what? Why not?


AccidentallyDad: what did you do Yosano


Shithead: Laxative. Chocolate.


AngryChuuyaNoises: BAHAHAHAH


EmoAsthmatic: well that’s amusing


Ginge: that’s so mean


Ginge: but so funny


Thoushaltshutup: thank you I thought so too


Shithead: im not having fun!


AccidentallyDad: 🤦🏽‍♂️


FRICKINLEMONS: lol his name matches now


Shithead: fuck you


FRICKINLEMONS: not with that asshole buddy


Shithead: 😩


Bandades_and_Babes: pffffft


Noticemesenpai: wait wait wait


EmoAsthmatic: were waiting


Noticemesenpai: fuck you


Noticemesenpai: how do guys do that like aren’t u scared of getting poop on ur dick


AngryChuuyaNoises: I mean there are ways around that


Noticemesenpai: how tho


AngryChuuyaNoises: do u really want me to give u a lecture on this rn


ElectricBoogaloo: u don’t trust me its no fun


NotmyNeko: ????


ElectricBoogaloo: u don’t wanna know Atsushi


NotmyNeko: nope probably not


Ginge: Atsushi could answer that question too


NotmyNeko: why do insist on centering me out


Ginge: bc its fun


NotmyNeko: 🙄


Ginge: if it really bothers u I will stop


NotmyNeko: nah im just being a bug


Ginge: -_-


UpforStabs: sounds about right


CATana: lol hows it going Ranpo-kun


Shithead: please don’t


CATana: going with the flow?


Shithead: STOP


CATana: sorry your situation stinks


Shithead: AHHHHHHH


NotmyNeko: Kyouka laughed so hard she fell off the couch


EmoAsthmatic: was she laughing at Ranpo or Fukuzawa?


UpforStabs: yes


EmoAsthmatic: right of course


GremlinwaKnife: what the fuck


UpforStabs: it could’ve been at the movie u know


NotmyNeko: but it wasn’t


UpforStabs: no it wasn’t


GremlinwaKnife: movie?


NotmyNeko: yeppers


NotmyNeko: u two wanna come over and watch?


EmoAsthmatic: aren’t u like almost halfway through?


UpforStabs: yeah but when its done Gin and I can watch something on my laptop and give u two some alone time ~


GremlinwaKnife: DISGUSTANG


UpforStabs: not that kind of alone time


EmoAsthmatic: it might be. Just to piss you off.


UpforStabs: if I have to see your dick one more time Ryu I swear TO GOD


EmoAsthmatic: sorry its not my fault ur not used to seeing dicks by now


UpforStabs: YES I AM SO STFU


EmoAsthmatic: YEAH RIGHT


GremlinwaKnife: lol what


EmoAsthmatic: as if


UpforStabs: ive seen dicks id just rather not see yours thanks


Ginge: lol wait wait wait


NotmyNeko: no no waiting no waiting I don’t wanna know what shes been up to in her spare time


UpforStabs: I will lock the door and force u to listen if u wanna play it like that


Shadowbanned: ouuuuuuuu whats she done


Bandades_and_Babes: u know we tease them but I don’t think I really wanna now


FRICKINLEMONS: we didn’t wanna the other day either but there you were, balls deep in a girl who refuses to admit shes your girlfriend


GremlinwaKNife: im not his girlfriend




GremlinwaKnife: get another dude


FRICKINLEMONS: I don’t wanna be balls deep in a dude thanks


AccidentallyDad: no no u give off bottom energy


FRICKINLEMONS: what the fucking hell man


AccidentallyDad: 🤷‍♂️


Ginge: okay just cuz Kenji’s gone doesn’t mean u can revert to whatever crackheadedness goes on in your head bc soeone needs to be sane here


BabyMomma: lol u think hes sane


AccidentallyDad: I am sane.


BabyMomma: yeah okay sure Doppo


AccidentallyDad: pls lets talk about this


BabyMomma: not today.


AccidentallyDad: 😩


GeronimoStilton: literally what


AccidentallyDad: if u wanna know then dm me b cim not explaining here


GeronimoStilton: okay…


Bandades_and_Babes: okay first of all Kajii fuck you and second of all u could’ve knocked


ElectricBoogaloo: u didn’t fucking knock????




ElectricBoogaloo: oh my god


AngryChuuyaNoises: and suddenly I feel no sympathy


Ithinknot: I still think he was just scared of the micro dick


FRICKINLEMONS: he was too far deep for me to even see it


Ithinknot: bc it was so small




Ithinknot: why are u so obsessed w Gin


Bandades_and_Babes: who let her be here


NotmyNeko: that would be me


Bandades_and_Babes: did u know shed be like this


NotmyNeko: yes


Bandades_and_Babes: and u still let her in


NotmyNeko: Kunikida let Kajii be here




AccidentallyDad: tbf I didn’t know him at the time


FRICKINLEMONS: and now ive made his life a living hell


Hermit: more like mine




Hermit: suck my dick


FRICKINLEMONS: if u insist


GremlinwaKnife: hey its Kyouka


Hermit: NO WTF


UpforStabs: just why Gin


GremlinwaKnife: 😂


NotmyNeko: are u guys coming


UpforStabs: don’t.


GremlinwakNife: >:)


EmoAsthmatic: u know her too well


UpforStabs: I knew exactly what she was gunna say bc her minds in the gutter specifically to bully me


GremlinwaKnife: it’s a talent


UpforStabs: it’s a nuisance


GremlinwaKnife: so are a lot of things


Ginge: like what


GremlinwaKnife: parallel parking


EmoAsthmatic: u only say hat bc u hit the other fucking car


GremlinwaKnife: meh it was Jun’s car who cares


Ginge: WHAT


Ginge: U HIT MY CAR???


Ginge: GIN!!!




GremlinwaKnife: it wasn’t your car


GremlinwaKnife: it was Chuuya’s


AngryChuuyaNoises; ur on thin fucking ice


GremlinwaKnife: lol come at me gravity boy


Sugardaddy: why do u want to die


GremlinwaKnife: oh I don’t its just funny to taunt gingers


GremlinwaKnife: specifically small ones with a short fuse named Chuuya Nakahara


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t make me come down there


GremlinwaKnife: too bad im already almost at Atsushi’s haha


AngryChuuyaNoises: u better watch yourself when u get home bc im watching you


ElectricBoogaloo: u wont be when im riding you so hard u see stars




ElectricBoogaloo: bc its funny


Noticemesenpai: @GeronimoStilton what do u say to that plan?


GeronimoStilton: ICHIYOU


Hermit: cmon when u were drunk u were all over her w no shame


GeronimoStilton: stfu


AccidentallyDad: stop being horny on main!!


Noticemesenpai: cmonnnn


GeronimoStilton: once I finish these papers


Noticemesenpai: u have ten minutes ;)


GeronimoStilton: cmon I wont finish that fast


UpforStabs: heard that one before






AngryChuuyaNoises: FUCKING WHAT


EmoAsthmatic: Atsushi might die from choking on water should I let him


Ginge: dude


Hermit: lol when ur a virgin


GeronimoStilton: yeah im sure most girls u have slept with were also disappointed u didn’t last longer


UpforStabs: LMAO


Noticemesenpai: seems like a chronic problem for men


ElectricBoogaloo: seems like a them problem


Thoushaltshutup: poor Kenji isn’t even here to defend himself this time




UpforStabs: I CANT B R E A T H E


UpforStabs: NO NO NO




NotmyNeko: how dare u point me out like that


Ginge: seems like a u problem


NotmyNeko: ill come over there


Ginge: and what?


NotmyNeko: idk but ill find something mildly irritating


Notatanizaki: hide his hairpins and earrings


Ginge: don’t u dare


NotmyNeko: >:)


GremlinwaKnife: …


GremlinwaKnife: I’ll accept it… this time


NotmyNeko: sweet


Bandades_and_Babes: is ranpo still dying


Thoushaltshutup: lol yeah


Shithead: its not fucking funny


Shithead: im in pain


Thoushaltshutup: u were the one who ate the whole pack




Shithead: fuck u Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: HAHAHAHAHAA


HorrorWhore: I have no sympathy for u rn


Shithead: Poe-kunnnn


HorrorWhore: hmmmm nope.


Shithead: T-T


Thoushaltshutup: learned your lesson about fucking with me Ranpo?


Shithead: yes T-T


AccidentallyDad: note to self don’t fuck w doctors


Ginge: I learned that lesson a long time ago my dude


AccidentallyDad: better late than never?


Ginge: how about never at all lol I would’ve rathered that


Notatanizaki: Juni


Ginge: yeah yeah stop using humour as a coping mechanism


NotmyNeko: hey its valid! I do it too!


EmoAsthmatic: yes and im trying to knock that habit out of u


NotmyNeko: lol sounds like my parents


EmoAsthmatic: no ur parents threw you out in a garbage bag theres a difference


NotmyNeko; that was unnecessary


EmoAsthmatic: sorry come here let me cuddle you


NotmyNeko: okay I forgive you then


Ginge: whiPPED


NotmyNeko: u cannot say that to me


Ginge: yeah oh well


NotmyNeko: 🙄


Notatanizaki: what can I say, im quite the catch


Ginge: yeah u are


AngryChuuyaNoises: PG pls


FRICKINLEMONS: yeah okay Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: shut up


ElectricNoises: u will w my cock down ur throat


UpforStabs: lol nvm


NotmyNeko: Kyouka??




AccidentallyDad: fuck

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Tuesday, 12:00 pm




GremlinwaKnife: what


EmoAsthmatic: SHE is the menace


Shithead: not in this case lmao


Noticemesenpai: wdym


GremlinwaKnife: lmao what did Hammy do now


NotmyNeko sent a video (Kunikida sits at his desk, staring down Hammy. It’s sitting on Kunikida’s pen. Kunikida reaches forward slowly for the pen, getting only a centimeter away before Hammy gnashes at his finger, a small cut immediately forming. He holds his hand up to the camera to show two other cuts of the same nature, grumbling under his breath).


AccidentallyDad: fucking hamster is a fucking menace


GremlinwaKnife: its taking after its owner


Ginge: technically isn’t the agency as a whole its owner


GremlinwaKnife: my point still stands


Ginge: 🙄


Bandades_and_Babes: why did you try two more times when it already bit you once


ElectricBoogaloo: bch es not very smart


AccidentallyDad: smarter than you


Bandades_and_Babes: not according to those two extra bites u got


Bandades_and_Babes: bc one is never enough


Ginge: never


NotmyNeko: Jun


Ginge: sorry impulse




Noticemesenpai: take one of Dazai’s?


NotmyNeko: this is Dazai were talking about


Noticemesenpai: fair.


Bandades_and_Babes: Atsushi or Lucy then??


Bandades_and_Babes: like ???


Bandades_and_Babes: common sense


ElectricBoogaloo: whats that


Shithead: a nuisance


ElectricBoogaloo: lol


GremlinwaKnife: Hammy just wanted some quality time with you but ur neglecting him for work


Noticemesenpai: are u sure it’s a boy


AccidentallyDad: im 100% sure


Thoushaltshutup: he does have voluptuous balls


Ginge: my eyes need bleach


FRICKINLEMONS: what u don’t wanna think about hamster balls


Ginge: do u




BabyMomma: there are so many things wrong with you idek where to start


FRICKINLEMONS: lol that’s nothing new


BabyMomma: no but it still baffles me




BabyMomma: I really don’t know. But youre fucked up.




BabyMomma: 😑


Ginge: don’t bother u wont win


Hermit: no one wins w him


GeronimoStilton: unless ur Tsujimura


Shadowbanned: IM RIGHT HERE ANGO


GeronimoStilton: damn I thought u were busy w Ayatsuji


Shadowbanned: I dont like it when he talks to that motherfucking doll


ElectricBoogaloo: dolls are fucking creepy


LegallyDad: im offended


Hermit: why


LegallyDad: its Elise


Notatanizaki: but ur not a doll


LegallyDad: might as well be 🙄


CATana: then dolls are definitely creepy


LegallyDad: why are you so mean to me


CATana: fiend


BabyMomma: are we just gunna ignore the fact that Kajii actually got laid




Notatanizaki: fucking when


Noticemesenpai: never




Bandades_and_Babes: lol


Shadowbanned: fucking thanks Ango


GeronimoStilton: youre fucking welcome


Shadowbanned: 🙄


FRICKINLEMONS: r u ashamed of sleeping w me


Shadowbanned: nah Ango just doesn’t need to be a little bitch


GeronimoStilton: im a big bitch


Noticemesenpai: no ur not


ElectricBoogaloo: PFFFT


Ginge: oh god


NotmyNeko: u know who else is a big bitch


Ginge: yes but u don’t need to say it


NotmyNeko: Ryuu


Ginge: literally fuck you


EmoAsthmatic: as much as I know u want it Atsu u need to stop talking about my dick


NotmyNeko: why tho


Ginge: bc we don’t want to now more about his dick than we already do


UpforStabs: that image is burned onto the backs of my eyelids


FRICKINLEMONS: nothing has covered it yet


UpforStabs: yeah ur face after Yosano punched you




Thoushaltshutup: lol apparently the train station had security cameras


Bandades_and_Babes: she even sent me a pic of it when she found it




Ginge: funny




Shithead: oi only I can bully her


FRICKINLEMONS: but she bullies everybody else


Thoushaltshutup: out of love <3


Ginge: suuuuuuuureeeee


UpforStabs isn’t that atsu and ryus entire relationship


NotmyNeko: we do other things to!


Ginge: yes we know


UpforStabs: a little too well


EmoAsthmatic: stop


Bandades_and_Babes: lol does he have voluptuous balls too


Ginge: I will boil ur teeth


Bandades_and_Babes: well that’s unsettling


Ginge: and so is hearing more details about their sex organs


Ginge: I could play a drinking game w it ffs


Notatanizaki: pls don’t


Ginge: I fucking might


NotmyNeko: lol ill join




Noticemesenpai: never thought id hear that phrase


BabyMomma: me neither but here it is


Noticemesenpai: the insults that come out of their mouths


BabyMomma: u should hear the shit they say to each other in person its barely comprehensible


Ginge: hey


NotmyNeko: hey


Ginge: we make sense!


Notaanizaki: no


UpforStabs: u don’t


EmoAsthmatic: u really don’t


BabyMomma: ^see


Ginge: Kenji must understand bc he always laughs


AccidentallyDad: yeah but that’s Kenji. Hes the same way.


Thoushaltshutup: quit bullying him when hes not ever here


AccidentallyDad: I could but that’s not fun


Ginge: why r u like this


AccidentallyDad: b cim sleep deprived


GeronimoStilton: amen to that


AccidentallyDad: we should have a party just the two of us where all we do is get drunk and then sleep


GeronimoStilton: sounds good im in


GremlinwaKNife: wait wait wait how did Hammy get out of the cage


ElecticBoogaloo: wed tell u if we knew


Shithead: I don’t even know


HorrorWhore: that’s a first


Shithead: don’t rub it in


HorrorWhore: or what


Shithead: ill rub your face in the shit on the floor


Thoushaltshutup: Kunikida




EmoAsthmatic: oh god not this shit again


GremlinwaKnife: at least its not six am


FRICKINLEMONS: that’s too early for anything but explosions


Ginge: u genuinely concern me




BabyMomma: see what I mean


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah


FRICKINLEMONS: Tachihara ??????


Bandades_and_Babes: sorry bud I cant lie u worry me a little sometimes


FRICKINLEMONS: im perfectly sane


Ginge: yeah and im perfectly happy




Ginge: stop changing the subject and admit ur a psychopath




GremlinwaKnife: I did not give u permission




GremlinwaKnife: I will sever ur voluptuous balls




FRICKINLEMONS: thanks for the compliment


Noticemesenpai: she said she was gunna chop ur balls off


AccidentallyDad: meh its not the first time shes made that threat


Ithinknot: it probably wont be the last either


EmoAsthmatic: theres no probably about it it WONT be


GremlinwaKNife: >:)


FRICKINLEMONS: have fun getting to me through my EXPLOSIONS


Ginge: who are u, Megumin?




Ginge: nvm


EmoAsthmaic: blow up my sister and ill use Rashoumon do finish what she started




NotmyNeko: kinky


ElectricBoogaloo: lol we corrupted him too


Bandades_and_Babes: didn’t know Atsushi was into BDSM


NotmyNeko: lol u didn’t


NotmyNeko: would u like to know more


Ginge: fuck my life


HorrorWhore: where is Junichiro going?


NotmyNeko: Jun?




Notmyneko: No??




Ginge: yeah sure


ElectricBoogaloo: me too


Ginge: no


ElectricBoogaloo: aw


AngryChuuyaNoises: good boy


Ginge: do I look like a dog to u Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: nah but ur obedient like one


Notatanizaki: yeah he is




Notatanizaki: NAOMI YES


BabyMomma: NAOMI


Notatanizaki: lol im not sorry


Ginge: u should be tho


Notatanizaki: oh? Should I be?


BabyMomma: maybe a little bit


Notatanizaki: shut up im asking my bottom


Ginge: OH MY GOD




AngryChuuyaNoises: LOL


Noticemesenpai: oh god


Bandades_and_Babes: LMAOOO


Notatanizaki: meet me in the bathroom in five minutes


Notatanizaki: and no one else come in unless u wanted to be greeted to more voluptuous balls


Ginge: NAOMI


NotmyNeko: his face is so red he might explode


Notatanizaki: perfect ;)


LegallyDad: interesting


AccidentallyDad: fuck theres a child


LegallyDad: fuck theres a moron


AccidentallyDad: MoRoN tHeReS a FuCk


Hermit: … what


Shadowbanned: id like to know the same thing


Noticemesenpai: Haruno care to decode


BabyMomma: ive got nothing on this one


BabyMomma: maybe his brain is imploding


Bandades_and_Babes: if that’s the case can I have some of it


BabyMomma: it would be damaged tho


Bandades_and_Babes: its still better than what I got tho


BabyMomma: that’s a fair point




BabyMomma: why u were right


Bandades_and_Babes: so mean T-T




AngryChuuyaNoises: see?? Obedient!!


NotmyNeko: hes trying to avoid being punished for being disobedient


ElectricBoogaloo: why is this group so kinky


Shithead: bc we all have issues?


ElectricBoogaloo: I mean yes but what else


AccidentallyDad: what happened to you to make u have an exhibitionism kink


ElectricBoogaloo: what did you go through in your life to make you have a breeding kink


AccidentallyDad: what. The. Fuck.


BabyMomma: that explains so much


Ithinknot: Jun got that bleach??


Bandades_and_Babes: I think hes fucking his girlfriend


NotmyNeko: nope im pretty sure hes the one getting laid


Bandades_and_Babes: owd u figure that one out


NotmyNeko: I made the mistake of going to the water fountain to fill my water bottle. And I heard some high pitched noises that I don’t ever want to hear again ever in my life


NotmyNeko: someone needs to get him a fucking muzzle




NotmyNeko: well I agree with him


FRICKINLEMONS: gag Christmas gift


NotmyNeko: don’t joke im actually thinking about it


Thoushaltshutup: mmmm I wouldn’t that might not go over well


NotmyNeko: I wouldn’t actually do it


NotmyNeko: but like


NotmyNeko: dude


Ithinknot: I had to listen to you and Ryuu in the café bathroom


UpforStabs: ive walked in on you two


CATana: I have to spiritually cleanse my hallway


UpforStabs: we didn’t even do anything


CATana: it was enough


Noticemesenpai: at least theyre in the bathroom not the hallway


Shadowbanned: or the office


Noticemesenpai; IM SORRY T-T


GeronimoStilton: im not


Shadowbanned: wtf


GeronimoStilton; suffer bitch


Shadowbanned: I already did I don’t wanna see u dick again the size makes me cringe


ElectricBoogaloo: PFFT


Ithinknot: shrimp dick?


Shadowbanned: shrimp dick


EmoAsthmatic: at least theyre not talking about my dick for once


CATana: oh god no one go into the hallway


BabyMomma: nope don’t do it


Bandades_and_Babes: jfc what is she doing to him??


NotmyNeko: I don’t wanna know


NotmyNeko: and no I will NEVER ask


NotmyNeko: ever


Bandades_and_Babes: noted


BabyMomma: well that was earrape


NotmyNeko: ikr


BabyMomma: im starting to wnder if she broke HIS asshole




UpforStabs: how does that work


NotmyNeko: how dare u all look at me


Noticemesenpai: LMAO

NotmyNeko: im not explaining to her what pegging is


UpforStabs: ill just look it up


Thoushaltshutup: didn’t u leanr your leson w the condom catastrophe


AccidentallyDad: pls stop bringing that up


ElectricBoogaloo: no that was fucking hilarious


EmoAsthmatic: it was pretty fun


AccidentallyDad: for everyone but me


UpforStabs: and Kenji


NotmyNeko: yeah I think u literally terrified him


UpforStabs: yep


Thoushaltshutup: wait why would Naomi have that in the office


BabyMomma: its Naomi who fucing knows


FRICKINLEMONS: now whos concerning


BabyMomma: still u


CATana: I need to go into the hall again dammit


GremlinwaKnife: ear plugs?


CATana: I don’t have any


HorrorWhore: I do


CATana: I have to go into the hallway to get to u tho


HorrorWhore: oh well


NotmyNeko: we will just give u some earbleach


EmoAsthmatic: that’s not a thing


FRICKINLEMONS: ill make it a thing


Thoushaltshutup: no


Ithinknot: im still waiting on my eye bleach JUNICHIRO


Noticemesenpai: don’t think ur gunna get it anytime soon


NotmyNeko: judging by the fact he can barely walk id say not LMAOOOOO


Bandades_and_Babes: fucking what




Notatanizaki: that’s for me to know and him to dream about


Noticemesenpai: oh??


Ithinknot: fuck it ill get my own bleach


UpforStabs: id say get Atsushi some too but I think hes laughing too hard to care at this point


Shadowbanned: lol


GeronimoStilton: I would too if it was my best friend


ElectricBoogaloo: u have Ango. U HAVE done that.


GeronimoStilton: yeah well that serves u right


ElectricBoogaloo: 🙄  😂


Bandades_and_Babes: u good there Jun?


Ginge: yeah


AngryChuuyaNoises: now whos the dog


Ginge: me bitch


Ginge: woof


BabyMomma: Naomi did he hit his head??


Notatanizaki: no hes just high rn


NotmyNeko: careful don’t need subdrop in the office




AngryChuuyaNoises: oh lord


Thoushaltshutup: ayayay


Ginge: heheh


AccidentallyDad: for fucks sake


AccidentallyDad: what will we ever do with u lot


Ginge: brrrrrrrrrrr


NotmyNeko: oh god 😂


AccidentallyDad: welp


Ginge: 🙃

Chapter Text

Akutagawa’s fingertips tapped on his desk as his eyes scanned over the document open on his computer. He’d gone over the paper twice but something still seemed wrong—or maybe not wrong, but missing. Whatever it was, he couldn’t seem to find it no matter how many times he reread his own work. But that was exactly the thing, you get blind to your own errors eventually.


He looked up over his computer, raising his brows at the lack of blonde hair across from him. Rolling his eyes at himself he slumped back into his chair. She’d gone to get them coffee twenty minutes ago from the breakroom across the building. No doubt she was chatting with another member—she’d always been the talkative one of the two of them.


Akutagawa went back to his report, grumbling to himself. There was probably nothing wrong with it and he was overthinking again, like always. It wasn’t that he couldn’t string the words together, he could, he’d always been eloquent with words. And he had a fairly good memory, too. Or at least that’s wat Atsushi told him when he remembers the little things he told him. But if it wasn’t the contents of the paper or how t was written, then what was it?


With a sigh he leaned back in his chair, letting his eyes fall shut. What was it, what was it, what was it…?


Akutagawa shot bolt upright in his chair at the blaring of an alarm. The red box on the wall across from him raged on and on, the strobe light flashing incessantly as he tried to cover his ears. A fire drill? At such a busy time? How inconvenient.


Akutagawa reached for his headphones to drown out the noise, intending to work through it. However, he quickly dismissed that idea once a deep grey smoke curled around the bars of the air vent in the room. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. This wasn’t a drill. This was real. He jumped up, shoving his chair under the desk hard enough to knock the monitor, and yanked the door open. The unsynchronized song of the alarms sent a chill down his spine, especially when no one emerged from rooms in the hall. It was mainly storage, offices for higher ups normally out on missions, and Chuuya’s office.


Clamping his hands over his ears, Akutagawa hurried down the hall towards the closest stairwell, eager to evade the droning alarms. Up ahead of him, a young man rounded the corner, startling at the sight of Akutagawa. The man jabbed a finger towards the way he was going. “You have to go this way!”


Akutagawa removed his hands from his ears, feeling himself lucky that he could read lips fairly well. “Why not?”


“The stairwell’s up in flames!”


“The next stairwell is nearly on the other side of the building!”


The guy gulped and nodded, waving him forward. “Let’s go, we don’t seem to have much time.”


Akutagawa nodded, noting the smoke rising around them. Even through the alarms he could hear the roaring of the fire beneath him, likely only a floor below them, eating at everything it could find. The floors may have been tile, but cracks, vents, and imperfections existed and he didn’t feel like having the flames licking at his heels the entire way.


Unfortunately for the two men, the elevator they just passed opened unexpectedly, allowing a pressurized ball of flames to charge out at full speed. It hit the wall across from it, catching the tiles of the drop ceiling and chasing the men out. Of course they had to go passed the elevator without the fire safety mechanism—one of the two that would still operate while the alarms went off.


With the addition of flames on the floor the sprinklers engaged. Akutagawa yelped at the sudden spray of water in the face. He’d rather that than fire, but it was difficult to maneuver regardless. To dodge the debris falling from the ceiling. To see through the smoke, flames, and blasting water. But mostly, it was getting difficult to breathe.


He hissed in pain as a ceiling tile shattered above him, the broken pieces landing on his head. The man in front of him whirled around. “Are you okay?”


“Just go,” he rasped. “Go! We need to go!”


He followed by the faint red of the man’s shirt he could see through the haze, close enough that he could’ve reached out and touched him. An odd sensation flooded through him—Akutagawa was grateful that he wasn’t alone. Though he was in danger, as he had been many times before, this was different. Fire was something he couldn’t fight with Rashoumon and get away unscathed, especially with weakened lungs. He was lucky to have someone with him.


Briefly, he wished it would have been Gin, but shook the thought away as he stumbled around a corner. He didn’t want her to be in danger, and internally thanked Higuchi for giving her the day off.




He gasped, then spluttered on the toxic fumes of what burnt around him. As the man before him shoved the stairwell door open, Akutagawa found his mind whirling. Higuchi had gone to get coffee and never come back. Where had she been when this started? Where was she now? Did she nearly get trapped, like he did? Chased out by flames on the ceiling and choked out by the smoke? Or had she made it out without a scratch?


He chanted her name under his breath as he rounded the forever descending stairs. The smoke got thicker as they neared the ground and then suddenly disappeared. They had only been halfway down the building at that point. Akutagawa furrowed his brows. How peculiar.


A bout of coughing overtook him and he leaned on the handrail, white knuckling the bar. The man ahead of him froze, stepping back up to lay a hand on his back. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”


Akutagawa shook his head, not trusting his voice. Another violent cough wracked his chest, followed by a mouthful of blood dropping down the inside of the stairwell. The man’s eyes widened and he leaned to get closer to eye-level with him. “You don’t look so good… coughing blood is not a good sign. We need to get you to an ambulance.”


Akutagawa waved a hand, pressing on despite his lungs still fighting him. He sputtered out his response. “I—I have—a condition. Do not—worry—about me.”


A curt nod was his only response, and then the man slung one of Akutagawa’s arms over his shoulder and continued their journey down the stairs. Briefly, he thought about protesting, but resolved himself to the fact that of any way to go, in a fire was not it. Not when things were finally looking up. Plus, he needed to know if Higuchi was safe. He wouldn’t forgive himself if she wasn’t, she’d gone because he’d been tired and wanted caffeine.


Akutagawa wheezed as they downed the final flight of stairs, allowing the other man to practically drag him out the door. He doubled over as soon as his feet hit the pavement, heaving the clean air into his damaged lungs. One breath, two breaths, three breaths, four… He panted, turning his head to look up at the man who’d helped him.


“Thank you.”


The man nodded, looking him over. “Of course. Are you hurt anywhere?”


“No, I don’t believe so. Minor cuts, perhaps.”


“You’ll be alright? Do you need help to find a paramedic?”


“I don’t, but thank you for your help. What’s your name?”


“Nakamura Eiji.”


“I’ll put in a good word for you. Who’s your executive?”




A smile creeped onto Akutagawa’s face. Thank God Chuuya had been out with Elise and Q. They’d gone across town for ice cream. “I’ll let him know of your good deed.”


“Thank you…”






With a nod, Nakamura turned away, seeming to have someone to search for. Heaving in another breath, Akutagawa straightened. He had someone of his own to look for.


He pushed through the crowd with everything at his disposal. Elbows, knees, Rashoumon… you name it. Grey eyes searched the crowd at a rapid pace. “Ichiyou!” In truth, he had no idea where to look for her. Had she been rerouted like him? Was she nearly back when the alarms sounded? Where? Where would she be? “Ichiyou!”


As he reached the front of the building, a blond bun caught his attention. The woman pushed through the crowd the same way he did, looking harried as she rushed around, calling out someone’s name. “Ryuunosuke!”




Her gaze snapped towards him, an expression of concern mingled with relief instantly washing over her face. She jogged towards him, reaching him just as he reached an opening in the crowd. Higuchi threw her arms around his neck, and Akutagawa surprised himself by hugging her back. Not just hugging her but squeezing her. Dammit. Atsushi’s made me soft.


Higuchi pulled back, searching his face before lifting her hand and using her thumb to wipe a spot beside his left eye. Her thumb came away bloody and she frowned. “You’re hurt.”


“I’m fine.”


At the sound of his raspy wheeze, her brows shot into her hairline. “Come here,” she said, guiding his to a large rock nearer to the street. “Sit down. You’re in bad shape.”


“I’m—” He cut himself off with a couch. Sure, he was out in fresh air, but the soot and smoke on his clothes weren’t helping.


Higuchi rifled through the bag on her shoulder, then held out a blue rescue inhaler. “Here.”


“You have one of my inhalers?”


“I always carry one on me because Lord knows that you don’t. Now take it.”


Grateful for her looking out for him, he shook the puffer and raised it to his lips. The breath our could barely be considered a breath, but it was all he could muster before he squeezed the canister down to release the medicine. Higuchi watched as he held his breath for a few second and then let it out his nose. He repeated it once more, the first breath already better, and held her hand out once more as he slid the cap back on.




“Yes. Thank you.”


She nodded. “Start carrying one on you.”


“Fine,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes.


Screams erupted around them with a resounding boom that echoed off the walls of all of the surrounding buildings. Both of their gazes moved skywards to where smoke billowed out of a gaping hole in the upper left side of the building. Akutagawa pursed his lips.



“So it was deliberate then.”


“It seems so,” he said, clenching his jaw. Who would bomb them? And why that section of the building?


“Good, you guys made it out alive!”


They turned their gazes to three figures coming towards them. “More or less,” said Higuchi, smiling at Tachihara.


“Seems like a little less for Akutagawa.”


“Shut up, Tachihara.”


He snickered. “Well Hirotsu and I ran into Kouyou on the way out. We’ve been looking for you two ever since. And Kajii, too.”


“Have you seen Kajii yet?”


“No,” said Kouyou. “Nor Mori, either. Though, he may have been out.”


“I don’t know about that,” Akutagawa interjected. “Chuuya took Elise and Q out for ice cream, so he must have had important business he didn’t want interrupted by Elise.”


Hirotsu frowned at the ground. “How peculiar.”


“Of Chuuya to take them out?” Tachihara laughed. “Nah, he does this all the time.”


Hirotsu smacked him. “Not that! That no one has seen the boss.”


“I’m sure we’ll run into him soon,” said Kouyou.


“I’m just glad Gin isn’t here.”


The group nodded at Akutagawa’s statement. At least she wasn’t caught up in this chaos. At the same time, Kajii ran up to them, frazzled and covered in ashes. “No, no! Gin is here!”




He stopped, hands on his knees. “Gin’s here. I saw her earlier in the day. And then… just now…”


“Just now what?” Tachi demanded, impeding on his personal space.


“I heard—I heard her screaming.”


Akutagawa’s eyes held a fierce glint when he looked up at Kajii. “You’re sure it was Gin?”


“110%. But I couldn’t get to her, she’s barricaded in the men’s locker room.”


Akutagawa was crossing the pavement in front of the building before anyone could grab his arm. They chased him towards the side door closest to that room. “You can’t,” screamed Higuchi. “Your lungs! You might die!”


He whirled around. “And Gin might die if I don’t go in there! I will not let that happen!”


“I’m going with you.”


Akutagawa gazed across at Tachihara, who stepped out of the group. “Let’s go then. Higuchi, call Yosano and get her here now.”


“On it.”


“Be careful lads,” said Kouyou, raising her voice over sirens.


Akutagawa headed in in front of Tachihara, Rashoumon at the ready to move debris in their way. It may have been no good for fighting the flames, but moving objects would be no problem. Or so he thought. He didn’t take into account the amount of effort it would take, especially when fighting through the smoke once more.


The men’s locker room was on the tenth floor, halfway down the main hallway, which was no doubt being devoured by flames as they climbed the stairs. His heartbeat was in his ears, pounding away as adrenaline flooded his veins. He dragged himself up the stairs, sweaty palms slipping on the handrail. By the seventh floor, Rashoumon was actively needed. Tossing chunks of the ceiling out of the way or raising a fallen pillar, all of it taking more and more from him.


The strobe flashing through the haze caused the hairs on his arms to stand up, the whining of the fire alarms only making it worse. As they reached the ninth floor, the alarms could only be heard in the distance, as the ones in their immediate area were no longer connected to the system. Wires dangled from the ceiling when he wrenched open the door to the tenth-floor hallway, sparking as they passed beneath them.


Flames climbed the wall at the opposite end of the hallway, visible only by the flickering of the fire itself. Rashoumon hit a ceiling tile to the side as it fell, shielding the two of them, before it disappeared, and Akutagawa stumbled forwards.


Tachi guided him on. “We’re almost there.”


Nodding, he kept pace with Tachi, squinting through the smoke. He was barely able to hit another flaming tile aside, the edge of it grazing Tachihara’s arm before splintering on the ground. Using the waning strength, Rashoumon yanked open the locker-room door, the inside on the room nearly pitch black. The thick smoke choked them as they entered, knowing there would be obstacles in their way. This room connected to one of the weapons storage rooms, which was likely where the damage had come from. There were bombs in there, which would have ignited in the flames, blowing the back wall to pieces and sending lockers and storage racks crashing to the ground.


Tachihara pulled out his phone and switched on the flashlight, the thin beam roaming back and forth over the debris. Charred belongings were strewn around, cracking and crumbling under their feet. In the shaft of light, Tachi made out a hole in a pile of metal—a fallen group of lockers and a couple of racks piled together with coats, burning clothing and soggy books.


As he stepped forward, a thud from behind distracted him. Akutagawa had fallen to his knees, clutching at his chest as he spluttered and wheezed. The smoke would soon kill him, and Gin, too—if she wasn’t already dead that was. Tachi brought a hand to the stabbing pain that hit him in the chest. He refused to let that happen.


Turning back to the pile, he ran toward it, using the flashlight to peer through the cracks between the objects. Between the lockers, above a flaming sweater, through the storage rack. It was there that he saw he saw a flash of skin, his heart jumping into his throat. “Gin?”


Following what turned out to be a rip in her pantleg, he traced the path up to her torso, caught beneath one of the lockers with one of her arms. “Gin!”


“Is—is she—there?”


“She’s there! Gin!” No response came from her and Tachi yanked and heaved on the debris. “Gin! Gin!” It was useless, there was no way he could budge the objects in their way. The rack’s path was obstructed by the locker on Gin… the one that had hit her. Had taken her down and was likely crushing her ribs. He needed to act fast. He couldn’t see well enough to tell if she breathed, he couldn’t see the rise and fall of her chest whether it was present or not. It was too smokey, too dark, too intense.


“Akutagawa, please. Please, pull this off her! She’s getting crushed!”


A single tendril was all Akutagawa could manage from his ball on the floor. It wrapped around the rack and tugged, resulting in no movement. It pulled gingerly on the locker, attempted to push it the other way, but to no avail. It couldn’t move. He couldn’t move it. He was useless.


I’m sorry, Gin.


“No. No, no, there has to be a way. There has to be some way! Something that can move this stupid metal box!” He stopped in his tracks, rooted to the spot. Metal. It was all metal.


Desperation in his eyes, he channeled his ability as best he could in a panicked state. One locker flew to the side, smashing against the side wall. The rack smashed into the other wall. And then the locker, inch by inch raised off of Gin until it sat against the half-crumbled wall. Gasping for air, he took in the sight of the girl underneath all the mess. Her face was bloody, free arm singed, and trapped arm clearly broken with her elbow poking out of the skin. Singed hair and torn clothing would be the least of her worries. She’d be in pain when, if, she woke up. And yet in that single moment that he stared down at her, she seemed at peace. Her eyes closed softly as if taking a nap. It made him nauseous.


Akutagawa watched from where he sat slumped on the floor, praying that Tachi would tell him any minute she had a heartbeat. That she would sit up and couch, or scream, or anything. Anything that showed she was alive. Instead, he received silence. Silence, until an unnerving creaking sound caught his attention, distracting him from his thoughts.


As Tachi tried to figure out how best to pick her up and help him out of there, Akutagawa surveyed the ceiling. He identified the source of the noise as soon as he saw it, but it was too late. Rashomon’s tendril was too weak and too slow. There was no way he could save Tachihara. Save Gin.


And so the storage rack swung down from the ceiling right before his eyes. Hanging by a thread and sharp as a blade, he prayed it wouldn’t make contact. Prayed with every fibre of his being that he could access in that split second it took for it to come down on his unsuspecting friend and little sister. But the hope he’d previously had was gone. It swung towards them anyway, and there was nothing, no power in the universe, that could help them now.

Chapter Text

In the end, power had nothing to do with it. The flaming ceiling tile the rack was still attached to screeched as it slid out of place with the momentum, ever so slightly altering the path of the rack. With that and Akutagawa’s raspy shout, Tachi whirled around in time to get his arms up, taking the full force of the rack to his torso.


He wheezed on impact, dazed for a moment as fresh blood trailed down his arms from where the rack had sliced through his jacket sleeves. Luckily, they’d taken the brunt of the force, or else he could have ended up with broken ribs, or worse, knocked out cold or possibly killed by a direct hit to the temple.


Hazy orange swirled above him, grey intermingling with it as sparks jumped into sight, one by one and then all at once. Though, as the rest of it moved and flowed through the air before him, the sturdy grey didn’t move at all. Sparks hit it, their light reflecting in the silver coating of the metal. Metal. That word triggered something in him, though he wasn’t really sure what.  His body must have though, as the rack tumbled off of him and he crawled through the smoke to where Gin lay on the floor. He leant down to her head, letting out a shaky breath when a heartbeat pulsed beneath the fingers laid on the side of her neck.


“She’s alive.”




Tachi glanced at Akutagawa over his shoulder, taking in his pallor and how he clutched at his chest as he dragged in feeble breath after feeble breath. “We need to go. Can you stand?”


“I will.”


With a nod, Tachihara scooped Gin up in his arms and stood, heading back to Akutagawa. The man took his arm to steady himself, stumbling back into the hallway from hell as he did his best to keep pace. The alarms seemed more distant then, as if more had been shut off. They couldn’t tell if that was really the case or if the roaring of the fire and the blaring of the alarms had damaged their hearing temporarily. Either way, the quiet of their immediate surroundings mixed with the black, charred hallway was eerie. A shiver ran through Tachi. Even though his thoughts became muddled, he knew something there was wrong, was creepy and disturbing. Whatever enemy he escaped from had it out for him.


But this time the enemy wasn’t human at all. Fire, a force of nature, was responsible for their ailments. For Gin’s burns and broken bones. For her brother’s suffering lungs. For the blood trailing behind Tachihara as his thoughts jumbled together. It wasn’t a sneak attack, but a full-on ambush and they hadn’t been prepared—not in the slightest. How ironic that the end of a group of mafiosos and assassins could have easily been ended by none other than a flame, a lungful of smoke, a locker. Not a gun, a blade, or a bomb, but a force beyond control. It was humbling. They weren’t invincible.


Although, after recent events, none of them thought so anymore anyway. That was old news in their new normal.


Dodging wires, shards of glass and smoldering ruins of God-knows-what, the three emerged into the stairwell and began to descend. The flames had seemingly passed through that hallway while they’d been in the locker room, not to mention that shouting of firemen echoed in the background while they doused the flames (not that he realized that’s what the noise was).


It wasn’t easy for Tachihara, carrying Gin and half-hauling Akutagawa down ten flights of stairs, but somehow or other he managed. Not without nearly dropping Gin down an entire flight or Akutagawa almost going head-first over the railing, but they both remained at his side in the end. Tachi coughed, hauling in a breath as he continued down the stairs.


He blinked rapidly, trying to appease his irritated eyes, but to no avail. It wasn’t as if he was particularly aware anyway. He was going down stairs, he couldn’t breathe, and his head pounded. Something in the air irritated his throat and the terrain under his feet crunched as he stepped over it. He dragged himself on, spluttering and hacking, unsure of where his clumsy steps were taking him. There was an urgency in his body to leave and to protect, but the reasons why had rapidly fled from his awareness. Only those two words remained coherent in is brain. Leave. Protect.


Although blinded by the sun, Tachihara’s disorientation to the situation didn’t improve with the illuminated surroundings. Emerging from the building and into fresh air did nothing to rouse his groggy brain from its lack-of-oxygen induced stupor. Vision clearing, he realized people rushed towards him, and then someone was trying to pull Gin from his arms.


He tightened his hold on her. “No!”


Someone called out to him—a man with blond hair. And glasses. His mouth moved as he spoke to him, but it was as if Tachi had cotton balls shoved in his ears. Everything sounded funny and distorted.


The pull on Gin ceased and the grip returned on his arm instead. It was no longer Akutagawa who held on his arm, but the same blond man, guiding him forward. A van sat at the curb, idling, partially blocking the traffic. Movement ebbed and flowed around him, muffled screams and the blaring of sirens. They ended abruptly with the slamming of the van’s back doors, and someone attempted to pull Gin from him again.


This time it was a woman with purple hair, the butterfly clip in her hair glinting in the light. He recognized that clip. That was…


As if the cotton balls were abruptly removed, the woman’s voice flooded his head.


“Tachihara,” said Yosano. “I need you to let go of Gin so I can take a look at her.”


He released her immediately as if he was shocked, letting her drop down to Yosano’s outstretched arms. Gentle hands checked her pulse, pulled up her eyelids and shone a light in her eyes, prodded around a wound on her arm. Tachihara’s eyes stayed focused on Gin’s face, blinking slowly. He wracked his brain for the cause of such injuries, for the pounding in his head, for the reason he’d been ushered into the back of a van by the agency. He cleared his throat and forced the question out in a hoarse voice. “What’s going on?”


Yosano raised her gaze to him. “You don’t know?”


He blinked at her. “I… no. I feel like I should.”


“That’s not surprising with smoke inhalation. Confusion, I mean.”


“Smoke inhalation?”


“There was a fire,” said a man from the front.


Tachihara turned to him, quickly realizing that the blond man had been Kunikida. In his fog he hadn’t recognized the people around him. Yosano had Gin on the floor in front of her, checking her vitals. Kunikida drove the van, and Lucy sat across from Akutagawa, waiting to administer a second dose of his inhaler. He gaped at them all. “Was I stuck?”


“No.” The barely audible voice had come from Akutagawa. “You saved her.”


“Don’t talk,” Lucy instructed, putting the inhaler back to his mouth.


“What does he mean I saved her? Was Gin stuck?”


“You really don’t remember?” Yosano asked, pausing her assessment of Gin to really focus on him.


“I—I remember blurry bits and pieces. Alarms and heat and this orange cloud above me when I was on the floor…”


“On the floor?”


“Rack. Ceiling. Fell.”


“Stop talking,” Lucy urged.


“You got hit with a rack from the ceiling?” Yosano reached out and grabbed his face, checking his head for injuries. “Did it hit your head?”


“That makes sense… I remember there being metal on me. It hurt when I hit the floor. I think that’s what hit my head.”


She pursed her lips. “That could be contributing to your confusion. Bashing your head off the floor could have given you a concussion.”


“What about Gin?”


Yosano let out a long breath, looking down at the young girl in her lap. At the burns that covered her one arm and the snapped bone in the other. At the blood on her face and in her hair. “I don’t know, I’m sorry. She’s alive, but I won’t know what I’m working with until we’re back in the infirmary.”


“I’m going too?”


“You need medical attention. All three of you.”


“What about the others?”


“There were more trapped?” Kunikida called from the front.


Where are the others? Higuchi? Kouyou and Hirotsu and Kajii? Chuuya? Mori?”


“Woah, woah.” Yosano held up both hands, trying to calm his sudden burst of panic. “You didn’t see them when you got out, right?” He shook his head. “Higuchi gave Akutagawa his inhaler and helped Lucy get him to the van. Kunikida was holding Kajii, Hirotsu, and Kouyou back from rushing you and then tried to take Gin to carry her for you. Chuuya was talking to a fire chief—he’d just got back with Q and Elise. And Mori… well, no one really knows where he is at the moment.”


Tachihara nodded absently. He understood, but everything was still a daze. Gin got trapped in the fire. He and Akutagawa went to get her. A rack had fallen on him and he’d hit his head. And now he was confused as to everything else—he didn’t even remember how he got outside! But it didn’t matter. Gin was alive and Akutagawa was alive. He was alive. Regardless of his disorientation, they’d all made it back to safety. He didn’t need to know how.


Soon enough, Yosano had helped him out of the van and guided him to the elevator with a gentle hand on his back. He knew he was at the Agency—that was clear. The fresh air had done him good, his head no longer pounded as badly. His mind felt slightly clearer and he had less difficulty understanding what happened around him. It was a relieving feeling, but the weight on his chest surely wouldn’t leave until he received Gin’s prognosis by Yosano.


The elevator doors slid open and the agency door swung in, multiple gasps coming from inside. Tachi squinted in the light from the LEDs after being in the darker hallway, but easily made out a figure rushing towards them.


“Ryuu!” Atsushi barreled towards them, his eyes wild. “What happened? Gin? Oh my god, what happened to her? What’s going on?”


Dazai held him back as the group flooded through the infirmary doors and out of sight, leaving Atsushi to stare after them. What had he missed while he and Dazai had gone out on a case?


In the infirmary, Kyouka’s eyes widened at the scene. While they’d been in transport, she’d readied three beds and basic equipment, but wasn’t expecting the sight that greeted her at the door. She watched with raised brows as Kunikida laid Gin on the middle bed and Yosano immediately drew the curtains. She blinked in disbelief, then turned to Lucy, Akutagawa, and Tachihara and gulped. She was on her own—Lucy had no training whatsoever. It was all up to her, and judging by the looks of them, they weren’t in good shape either.


Kyouka took a tentative step towards them, surveying the two victims. Tachihara was bloody and coughing, soot and ash covering most of his body. But Akutagawa was worse, barely concious and wheezing on the inhale and exhale of the miniscule breaths he managed to drag in. “Lucy, could you stay with Tachihara for a few minutes, please?”


The girl nodded and Kyouka approached Akutagawa. She beant to get her head at his slumped level and tapped his shoulder. Glassy eyes stared back at her. “Ryuunosuke? Can you hear me?” He nodded, the movement subtle and stiff. “If I help you, can you get to the bed right across from us?” Another nod. Pursing her lips, she hooked one arm around her shoulder and slung one of her own around his waist. “Ready? One, two, three.”


With her help, Akutagawa stood and ambled the few feet to the bed. He collapsed onto the mattress, grey smears following the movement of his body across the white sheets. Kyouka adjusted his head, then crossed the room briefly, returning with a plastic mask. She slipped it over his head and brought the mask up over his face to cover his mouth and nose, then connected it to the wall and adjusted the gauge. Pure oxygen flowed through the tube and into his system, providing his irritated lungs to replenish his oxygen supply. It wouldn’t be immediate, she knew, but she could settle Tachi and dress their wounds in the meantime.


“Take deep breaths, if you’re able,” she said, slipping a blood oximeter onto the tip of his index finger. It remained blank for a moment before the number flashed on the screen. 81. Not good. His eyelids drooped with his slipping consciousness and she turned the gauge on the oxygen again before touching his arm. “Hey. Stay with me, okay?”


Akutagawa blinked up at her slowly and she watched his face. Watched the tears gather in his eyes and the remaining colour drain from his face. Glancing down at the oximeter she frowned at his raising pulse. When she looked back up, silent tears streamed down his face. Kyouka smoothed his hair back from his forehead. “Are you scared?” What she was sure was meant to be an affirmative grunt turned out to be a whimper, a sound she never thought she’d hear from the man before her. She smoothed his hair back again. “Hey, you’re alright… I promise. I’m just waiting for you oxygen levels to rise a bit, okay?”


He nodded, closing his eyes. Hit chest hitched as he sniffed and Kyouka frowned. Despite everything that had happened between them in the past, seeing him like this still hurt her. She’d been scared of him once… but not for a long time. Now he was important to her, even if she didn’t quite understand how that had come to be.


Kyouka placed one hand on his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You’re alright.” Another nod. She glanced at Lucy and Tachi out of the corner of her eye. “Will you be okay for a couple of minutes while I get Tachi settled? Or do you want me to stay? I…” She hesitated. “I could ask Lucy to help him for a few minutes.”


Akutagawa shook his head without opening his eyes, mouthing, ‘go.’ It was hard to see through the mask, but she caught it. With one last squeeze to his arm she left and returned to Lucy and Tachihara.


Tachi looked up at her. “My turn?”


“Yes. Come with me.”


“You’ve been trained already?”


She cringed at the hoarseness of his voice. “On the basics. I already know basic first aid, so Yosano-sensei taught me how to use the oxygen masks, how to do stitches, and a couple of other things. So far. I’m sure I will learn more.”


Tachi nodded, coughing into his elbow, then sat on the edge of the bed. “Probably.”


“If you want to sit up, sit back against the pillows.”




Kyouka left his side to grab a wash bowl, a cloth, bandages, and stitching supplies. “Can you take off your jacket please?”


Tachi nodded and pried the ripped jacket away from his wounds, then slipped it off and dropped it to the floor on the opposite side of the bed. He pushed his sleeves up as far as he could and held out his arms.


Kyouka took them both and studied the backs of his forearms. Whatever had hit him had hit him good, something jagged on it having sliced clean through his jacket, shirt, and skin. Luckily for him it wasn’t deep enough to cause nerve or bone damage, but he’d have some ugly scars. She rinsed a cloth and started on the first arm, mopping up the blood and doing her best to disinfect the wound. Tachi hissed as the needle pierced his skin, gritting his teeth as she sewed the skin back closed again and covered it with a bandage. The other arm was even less pleasant, but at least it was done.


“Feeling okay? Dizzy? Nauseous?”


Tachi shook his head. “No. My head just hurts and it’s a little foggy.”


“How about your breathing?”


“It’s not great, but I’m doing alright.”


Nodding, Kyouka rached for an oxygen mask that had only the nose prongs and connected it to the wall before handing it to him. “I’m gunna give you this for now, just to be safe. Yosano might tell you to take it off later.”




“And…” She reached down to the cart beside the bed, handing him a cup of water and some painkillers. “Take these, it should help with the pain.”


“Thank you.”


“Of course. Um… if you don’t mind, I’d like to go back and sit with Akutagawa. He’s kind of out of it.”


Tachi nodded. “Make sure he’s okay. He was having an awful hard time in that building.”


“I thought I heard Lucy say you didn’t remember?”


He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s starting to come back now. But parts of it are still foggy. Like whatever fell on me.”


“Right. Well, take it easy for a few minutes, okay?”




She offered him a sympathetic smile, then turned and headed back to the other bed. Akutagawa lay in the same position with his eyes still closed. When she came up beside him relief flooded through her. 84. At least his blood oxygen levels were improving. Kyouka went back to the sink once more for new cloths, water, and equipment, then returned and sat on the stool next to his bed.


Gingerly, she applied a wet cloth to the small cut on his left forearm, dabbing at the drying blood. Akutagawa opened his eyes and watched her as she moved from there to his collarbone. Luckily for her, Lucy had wrestled the jacket off of him in the van and his sleeves and collar were loose enough to manipulate to her needs. “I’m just cleaning up your cuts. Yosano-sensei will help with your burns after.”


He didn’t nod. Didn’t say anything. Only watched as she moved up to place the cloth on his face, cleaning the blood from a cut on his cheekbone. She was concentrated, quiet, calculated… just as when he’d previously known her. But the last while with the group, he’d grown to see another side of her. It was good to see the life back in her eyes, using her intelligence and gentle touch to help someone instead of cutting them down.


“I’m sorry.”


Kyouka startled, head whipping up. That raspy whisper… had it said what she’d thought it said? She got her answer quick enough, when the man spoke again.


“For everything. I should’ve treated you better than I did.”


She stared at him for a moment, not quite processing what he said. It took her a moment before she could speak. “That’s just how Dazai treated you.”


“That doesn’t make it okay. And I’m sorry.”


Kyouka went back to her cleaning, avoiding looking into the grey eyes that watched her. “Thank you.”


“I know I hurt you. But… I hope that you will forgive me one day.”


“I already have, even without an apology. But I do appreciate it, and I accept.”


Akutagawa watched her face and then averted his eyes. It was as if a physical weight had been lifted from his shoulder—from the pit of his stomach. And even in his current situation, it felt nice.


Eventually, Kyouka sat back. She’d cleaned his cuts and bandaged what she could as well as gotten the majority of the blood and ashes out of his hair. All that was left was to wait for Yosano.


The two sat together for a while, comfortable in their silence. Just when she was sure Akutagawa had fallen asleep, his voice reached her ears. “How’s Gin?”


“I don’t know.”


“She’s alive… right?”




“Can you see her?”


“I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sure we will find out soon.”


He remained quiet and she went back to staring into space until she heard a sniff. Her eyes flew open and she looked over him, realizing he’d turned his head away from her, probably to hide tears. “Are you in pain?”




“Then what’s wrong?”




“She’ll be okay. She’s tough.”


“I didn’t—even think—to look for her.”


“She could’ve been out on a mission for all you knew.”


He shook his head, chest hitching. “Day off. She shouldn’t—have been—there.”


“Then how is that your fault?”


“I—I—I couldn’t help her.”


Kyouka let her mouth hang open, at a loss. She didn’t know what to say or do… when it wasn’t Atsushi or Kenji, she had no idea how to help somebody who was upset, especially if they were crying, especially if they were Akutagawa. Instead of speaking, she turned and waved at Lucy to catch the girl’s attention. Lucy raised her brows and Kyouka mouthed to her. ‘Go get Atsushi.’ Lucy nodded and hurried out of the room.


Kyouka sat next to him in silence, avoiding looking directly at him. It had been different when it was fear for his own life. But when he was upset and feeling guilty… she didn’t know what to do. She settled for stroking his arm, careful not to snag is bandages. Luckily for her, Lucy returned with Atsushi a moment later.


Atsushi practically sprinted across the room, skidding to a halt beside the bed. “Ryu?”


Akutagawa looked up at him with pained, teary eyes. With the hitching of his chest, he was barely able to speak. “Atsushi. Gin.”


Kyouka stepped aside to give Atsushi room. The boy leant over the bed a kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. Akutagawa however threw his arms around Atsushi’s neck and held on tight as he tried to stand back up. Realizing this, Atsushi helped him into a sitting position and accepted him into his arms, holding onto him.


My. Fault.”


“It’s not your fault,” Atsushi whispered, rubbing his back. “It’s not your fault.”


“’M useless.”


“No, no, babes you’re not useless.”


“I am.”


Kyouka watched from across the room where she stood with Lucy. This was a side of the man she’d never seen before. She’d never seen Akutagawa so insecure and doubting his worth. From what she’d seen of him, he’d always been confident in himself and his ability. But maybe this was what really felt. Could that all have been a mask? She thought back on what she knew about his childhood, about his time under Dazai… and it clicked. Of course it was a mask. It had to be.


When the screeching of metal on metal reached their ears, all eyes in the room turned to where Yosano had just pulled back the curtain around Gin. The room went silent for a moment as they took her in, injuries and all. Yosano had put her in a gown and removed her mask, replacing it with an oxygen mask instead. Her left arm was in sling, right leg elevated in a cast. An IV drip stood beside her bed, saline flowing through the tube and into her veins to provide relief. Bandages wrapped around her head and covered various cuts and burns. All in all, it wasn’t pleasant to look at. They couldn’t imagine the pain shed be in when she woke up.


The silence was broken by Akutagawa’s cries, his face buried in Atsushi’s chest. “She was supposed to be off today. What was she doing, oh my god.” He heaved in a breath, letting it back out as a sob. “If I could’ve got to her faster, protected her…”


“Shh…” Atsushi only continued to rub his back after pressing a kiss to his head, seeming to also be at a loss.


“She’ll be okay,” said Yosano, speaking for the first time. “She has some damage to her ribs and head, so I don’t know when she will wake up exactly. But she will. She’ll be alright. Just be patient.”


“Oh thank god,” breathed Tachi. He swung his legs off of the bed and pushed himself up, opting to sit on the stool beside her bed, oxygen hose trailing behind him. He looked down at her and sighed, taking her available hand in both of his. Tachi shook his head. “Oh, Gin… What are we going to do with you.”




An hour passed in relative silence. Atsushi eventually returned to sitting on the stool and Yosano and Lucy returned to the main office. Kyouka remained in the room, sitting in a chair where she could see all three beds. Tachi didn’t leave Gin’s side the entire time, holding her hand, off in his own head. She couldn’t blame him.


“Thank you.”


Everyone turned to look to where the voice had come from, including Tachihara, who’d be startled from his thoughts. He furrowed his brows at Akutagawa. “What?”


“Thank you. For saving Gin.”


“It wasn’t all me. I could’ve have gotten there without you.”


“That may be, but when it came down to it and I was down and out, you’re the one that saved her. Saved us both, actually.”


“You shouldn’t be talking so much.”


“I needed to thank you.”


Tachi rubbed the back of his neck, looking away. “It’s nothing, really. It’s fine, you don’t need to thank me.”


“It’s not nothing,” Akutagawa insisted, ignoring Atsushi’s protests to him speaking more. “You… you must really love her.”


“Yeah,” tachi muttered. “But she doesn’t feel the same way.”


“I think that she does. But you will have to give her time.”


“I’ll give her forever if I have to.”


Kyouka smiled at that, as did Akutagawa and Atsushi. “Okay then. Don’t hurt her.”


“I won’t.”


“I’m actually starting to believe that.”


Tachi chuckled. “Okay, okay, now shut up and stop talking. And um… let’s not tell her who saved her. I uh… I don’t want her to feel obligated or anything. Okay?”




“You guys too?”


Kyouka nodded as Atsushi agreed. “Yeah.”


“I won’t say anything either.”


Their eyes turned to the doorway and Tachi cleared his throat. “Yosano-sensei?”


She smiled. “Feeling better?”


“A bit.”


That’s good.” She dropped her gaze, gazing at her feet. “Tachihara?”




“Why didn’t you tell us about your ability?”


“Ability?” Atsushi echoed.


“A metal wielding gifted.”


Tachihara sighed. “I didn’t want to tell anybody because it’s the same type of ability as my brother. It’s just a sore spot and I don’t really like to use it. Because of my parents, too, but I don’t really want to get into that if that’s alright…”


“Of course,” said Atsushi. “You don’t have to tell us anything.”


Yosano stepped in from the doorway and crossed to Tachihara, pulling the butterfly pin out of her hair and handing it to him. He gazed down at it and then up at her in confusion. “Please, take it. It’s from your brother.”


His eyes widened as he shook his head, shoving it back at her. “N-no.”




“Are you the correct one?”


Yosano froze, breath stopping in her throat. “W-what?”


He yanked a dog tag out from under his shirt, flipping it around to show her the tallies on the back. “Are you the one who was ‘correct?’”


She nodded, eyes flooding with tears but not falling. “Yes. I am.”


Tachihara swallowed thickly as he stared at her, then tucked the dogtag back under his shirt. “I want you to keep it.”


“Where are you going?”


He pulled the nose pieces out and tossed the mask down onto his bed. “I need some air.”


“Tachi.” Yosano tried to catch his wrist, but he pulled it out of her reach and headed for the dor. “Tachihara!”


The door shut and opened moments later, Ranpo walking into the room. He said nothing but headed for Yosano, immediately pulling her into a hug. The group that remained watched as he kissed her cheek. “It’s not your fault.”


Her breathing shuddered momentarily. “I… I know…”




“Damn that man… What he made me do back then…”


“I know, Akiko.”


Yosano balled her fists, resting her chin on Ranpo’s shoulder and glaring at the back wall. “Where’s Mori when I want to beat the shit out of him.”


“Let’s not.”


She sighed. “I know, I know. No pummeling the Mafia boss.”




She pulled back, then pecked his lips. “Where is Mori anyway? Did anyone get in touch with him?”


Ranpo shook his head. “As far as I know, no one has heard a thing.”


“Um, well…” Atsushi spoke up, staring down at his phone. “That’s changed.”


“What?” Yosano pulled out her phone, seeing a notification in the group chat. Her eyes widened. “Okay, I didn’t actually mean it!”


“What?” Ranpo took her phone, then pursed his lips.


AngryChuuyaNoises: We have a problem…


AngryChuuyaNoises: The boss is missing.

Chapter Text

Listen Up, Fuckers


Thursday, 12:00 pm


AccidentallyDad: has anyone heard anything new about what’s happened to Mori? Or what caused the fire?


AngryChuuyaNoises: no more than I did last night. He went missing during the fire and that’s all we know.


UpforStabs: wait so then where’s Elise?


AngryChuuyaNoises: with me


ElectricBoogaloo: much to my dismay


Shithead: keep her longer to annoy him


AngryChuuyaNoises: don’t worry I will


Sugardaddy: how’s Gin?


Thoushaltshutup: still asleep. I assume she will wake up in the next few hours though


Sugardaddy: let me know once she does


Thoushaltshutup: of course


Noticemesenpai: and hows Ryuu?


NotmyNeko: improving


NotmyNeko: he is also asleep


Bandades_and_Babes: lazy ass


Ginge: youre stuck in bed too


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah yeah


NotmyNeko: ANYWAY


NotmyNeko: hes doing fine, Higuchi. His oxygen level has improved a lot, he’s sitting around 90 now.


Noticemesenpai: thank god


NotmyNeko: im sure hed love for you to come see him


Noticemesenpai: can I?


FuckityFuck: why are u asking we don’t have another option anyway


AngryChuuyaNoises: the building fucking burned down. We lost half of it.


BabyMomma: that was a huge building too


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah. What I want to know is how tf a fire aburptuly started in the middle of the building


GeronimoStilton: from what I saw in reports it looked like a bomb


GeronimoStilton: or a lot of bombs


FuckityFuck: …


Sugardaddy: well then. Kajii?






Sugardaddy: was this your doing?






AngryChuuyaNoises: it did start on your side of the building, above the labs




AccidentallyDad: a grudge we didn’t know about?


FRICKINLEMONS: against the boss??


GeronimoStilton: sure why not


Shadowbanned: I mean you do make bombs and youd be able to get away without injury, it would be easy for you to start the fire, move the boss, and leave


NotmyNeko: and ur kinda a pyromaniac








Ginge: idk it just makes sense…


Notatanizaki: ^


FuckityFuck: youd have access to get in undetected


Sugardaddy: and ur a trusted higher up


AngryChuuyaNoises: I have to agree with them




Thoushaltshutup: hey back off guys he didn’t do it


FuckityFuck: Yosano??


Bandades_and_Babes: I agree with her


NotmyNeko: of course u would tho


Bandades_and_Babes: fight me


Notmyneko: no ur injured


Bandades_and_Babes: pussy


UpforStabs: yes but that’s not the point. The point is whatever tf this all is


FRICKINLEMONS: guys I swear I didn’t do this


Thoushaltshutup: why would he blow up the place that lets him experiment and hides him from the law?


Bandades_and_Babes: were all friends why would he intentionally hurt us


Thoushaltshutup: I might have thought he was heartless when I first met him but I don’t think that now. He didn’t do it, I know he didn’t.




Shithead: theyre right, Kajii didn’t do it


AngryChuuyaNoises: Ranpo! Do u have any idea what caused this


Shithead: Ango was right about it being a bomb


GeronimoStilton: see


Shithead: but it wasn’t Kajii’s




AccidentallyDad: then who was it?


Shithead: I cant narrow it down to one person yet, but judging by what I know, it would have to be somebody that’s targeting Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: me?? Why me??


Ginge: how do u figure that Ranpo-san?


Shithead: well the primary target was a sector of the building that houses those under Chuuya’s command, correct?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes


NotmyNeko: wait wait wait though


NotmyNeko: Ryuu and Higuchi’s office is there, too, plus the locker rooms for the black lizard


Shithead: that may be true, but they have largely been out of conflict as of late, whereas Chuuya has been involved in more, should we call it…. Scandal?


AngryChuuyaNoises: are u saying somebody is after me because of everything that happened with Yumeno??


Shithead: that is precisely what I’m saying


Ginge: wait then why target Mori?


Shithead: to lure Chuuya in? theyre taking advantage of his loyalty


FuckityFuck: so in other words… Mori is still alive?


Shithead: yes. Hes still alive. They will be using him for bait so they cant kill him. Not yet at least.


AngryChuuyaNoises: please say sike


Shithead: sorry Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: well fuck my life


FuckityFuck: Chuuya


ElectricBoogaloo: don’t say that


AngryChuuyaNoises: this is because of me, once again. Cmon really?? WHY??


AccidentallyDad: we will help you figure this out Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises; no absolutely not


NotmyNeko: but why not?


AngryChuuyaNoises: bc we almost already lost Gin and Ryuu, and Tachi got hurt too! And I wont let anybody else get hurt on my watch!


Noticemesenpai: you wont be able to do this alone, Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: I might not have a choice


AngryChuuyaNoises: hold on, im getting a call from one of my subordinates, ill be back in a few minutes


AccidentallyDad: okay


FRICKINLEMONS: howre u doing over there Tachihara


Bandades_and_Babes: peachy, lemony fresh, just perfect. Hbu


FRICKINLEMONS: the sass was unnecessary


Bandades_and_Babes: fuck man I nearly got burnt to a crisp yesterday and I have a concussion how do u think I am


FRICKINLEMONS: sheesh someones cranky


NotmyNeko: stop youre provoking him. More than he already is.




NotmyNeko: I stayed the night here w Ryuu and tachi’s just been miserable since he woke up this morning


Bandades_and_Babes: it wasn’t even quite 5 am please just let me sleep








Bandades_and_Babes: -_-


Thoushaltshutup: Tachihara get off your phone befor ei come in there and TAKE it off of you. You shouldn’t be on it with your stage of a concussion.


Bandades_and_Babes: yes MOM


Thoushaltshutup: don’t sass me, im the one feeding you


Bandades_and_Babes: ugh


Noticemesenpai: im starting to second guess coming over to see them


NotmyNeko: ill just hide you from him


Noticemesenpai: deal


NotmyNeko: cool lemme know when ur here


Bandades_and_Babes: What the fuck




Bandades_and_Babes: FINE


AccidentallyDad: pls ignore him being on his man period


FRICKINLEMONS: fun fact: guys have a period of the month where their hormones have higher levels and they get moodier


AccidentallyDad: see? Man period!


BabyMomma: babe that’s not how that works


AccidentallyDad: im not stupid


BabyMomma: well…


AccidentallyDad: pls T-T


Ginge: my god are they still bickering


Notatanizaki: yes


NotmyNeko: fucking hell


Sugardaddy: what


Ginge: long story


Ithinknot: everything is w everybody here


HorrorWhore: hello pot this is the kettle


Ithinknot: at least I speak


CATana: who tf is screaming in the office


Shithead: that would be Poe proving to Lucy that he’s not silent


CATana: by screeching like a banshee?


UpforStabs: it’s the fact that he scared off his service animal for me


HorrorWhore: Karl’s easily startled


Sugardaddy: I wouldn’t blame him if that’s a regular occurrence


Ithinknot: don’t worry its not hes typically silent


HorrorWhore:oh come on im not that quiet


Shithead: not with me at least


Thoushaltshutup: that’s bc hes telling u off for being a moron


Shithead: oh pls were morons together


HorrorWhore: are we though


Shithead: rude


HorrorWhore: are you going to tell me that im wrong??


Ithinknot: its usually him being dragged along w Ranpo’s antics


Shithead: he enjoys them


FRICKINLEMONS; does he though?


Shithead: yes uwu


NotmyNeko: that uwu is incorrect


Shithead: youre incorrect


NotmyNeko: geez I know, u don’t have to point it out


AccidentallyDad: u alright there Atsushi?


NotmyNeko: I was kidding


Ginge: u better be


NotmyNeko: or what


Ginge: u know what


NotmyNeko: no PLS NO


FRICKINLEMONS: what the fuck


Shadowbanned: do I even want to know


UpforStabs: Jun kicks his ass whenever Atsushi says something self-depricating and im beginning to wonder if HES a masochist


Shadowbanned: so the answer was no


UpforStabs: pretty much




Ginge: its effective


NotmyNeko:at making it hurt to sit down? Yes yes it is


Ithinknot: he broke your asshole too?




Ithinknot: lol


NotmyNeko: don’t make me come out there


Ithinknot: do it you wont


NotmyNeko: youre right Ryuu has a tight grip on my hand in his sleep


Shadowbanned: AWWWW

Ginge: yuck


NotmyNeko: JUN


Ginge: 😂


UpforStabs: yuck


NotmyNeko: why do u two gang up on me all the time T-T


Ginge: bc its fucking funny lmao


UpforStabs: and it gives Kenji a good laugh which is a bonus


NotmyNeko: at my expense T-T


UpforStabs: watching other ppl get tormented is entertaining


NotmyNeko: u guys are so meannnn


FuckitFuck: I hate to break it to u lad but even toddlers laugh at the misery of other people


NotmyNeko: demon toddlers


BabyMomma: nO


NotmyNeko: D E M O N   T O D D L E R


BabyMomma: N O


NotmyNeko: dEmOn ToDdLeR


BabyMomma: NO!


Sugardaddy: now whos tormenting ppl


NotmyNeko: maybe it is fun


ElectricBoogaloo: maybe? Its amazing!


AccidentallyDad: no.


ElectricBoogaloo: lol yes


GeronimoStilton: youre going to give him an aneurism Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: idk if that’s how that works Ango


GeronimoStilton: does it fucking matter stop tormenting HIM


ElectricBoogaloo: NEVER


Sugardaddy: well that’s my que to leave


FuckityFuck: listen grandpa if I have to loisten to this fuckery then so do you


Sugardaddy: I think ill go do my sudoku


Ithinknot: youre not helping your case here


UpforStabs: literally ancient


Sugardaddy: respect your elders


UpforStabs: yes Hirotsu-san


AccidentallyDad: TEACH ME YOUR WAYS

Sugardaddy: one day you will learn


Hermit: I don’t think that day is coming fast enough


Ginge: judging by him nearly eating his ponytail im gunna say no


Sugardaddy: by the time youre my age youl be able to handle both Dazai and Kyouka


UpforStabs: im not that bad cmon




BabyMomma: hes going grey already


AccidentallyDad: KIRAKO


BabyMomma: 🤷🏻‍♀️


Ginge: pls make up before I shank myself


Thoushaltshutup: with what




NotmyNeko: that wont work


Ginge: fucking watch me




Ginge: for shits sake


GeronimoStilton: why


HorrorWhore: pls refrain




HorrorWhore: can I trap him?


Thoushaltshutup: no


HorrorWhore: damn


FRICKINLEMONS: cmon now I don’t deserve that


Ginge: yes you do you absolute fucking tortellini


Noticemesenpai: help Atsushis waking Ryuu up bch es laughing too hard pls remove him


Ithinknot sent an image (Kyouka is dragging Atsushi out by the wrists and he’s frantically yelling at her to stop)


Shadowbanned: somehow I don’t think she meant to physically drag him out of the room


Noticemesenpai: no that’s exactly what I meant


NotmyNeko: Higuchi fuck you


Ginge: help im being abused


FuckityFuck: what


Shithead: atsushi slapped him for making him get dragged out


Sugardaddy: well that was his own fault


Noticemesenpai: it absolutely was u dumbass respect your boyfriend


HorrorWhore: why is Yosano screech laughing?






Sugardaddy: oh god


Shadowbanned: LMAO


GeronimoStilton: that’s not funny




GeronimoStilton: I am not you have no proof


Shadowbanned sent an image (through the crack in his office door, Ango can be seen laughing as he looks down at his phone)


Noticemesenpai: ANGO T-T




Shadowbanned: I already did he slved it in like five minutes flat and it was rather boring


Shadowbanned: this was much more entertaining


Ginge: and yet he left me over that fire for how fucking long


Shadowbanned: IM SORRY JUN 😭




Shadowbanned: OR WHAT




Shadowbanned: U WOULDN’T DARE


UpforStabs: lol you and Atsushi can be twins


NotmyNeko: ur on thin fucking ice


UpforStabs: 🤪


Sugardaddy: now can I leave


FuckityFuck: no you may not


Sugardaddy: damn you Kouyou


FuckityFuck: youre welcome


Ithinknot: I think that was sarcasm


FuckityFuck: I think you should mind your business


Ithinknot: u kind of made it my business lady


FuckityFuck: …


FuckityFuck: fuck


UpforStabs: lAnGuAgE


AccidentallyDad: oh WILL U STOP THAT


UpforStabs: no lol




CATana: Hirotsu youre more than welcome to come over for tea


Sugardaddy: are you sure? I don’t want to impede on your work


CATana: oh no I insist


BabyMomma: beware the tainted hallway


CATana: lay off my poor hallway Haruno


BabyMomma: its been through so much *sniff*


AccidentallyDad: what are you on


BabyMomma: atsushis weed


NotmyNeko: oh for fucks sake


Thoushaltshutup: u better fucking not be


BabyMomma: IM NOT


BabyMomma: but I could use some to deal w Doppo rn


ElectricBoogaloo: pls if I get another call from him crying I will not hesitate to confiscate all of your pregnancy snacks and feed them to Ranpo


BabyMomma: pls no not to the food goblin


Shithead: well thank you


BabyMomma: that wasn’t a compliment


Shithead: do you think I care?


HorrorWhore: you really should


Shithead: say it out loud to my face


HorrorWhore: no


AccidentallyDad: Dazai no


ElectricBoogaloo: im serious!!


ElectricBoogaloo: u two need to sort ur shit out ur having a fucking baby like what the fuck are you doing


AccidentallyDad: Dazai its fine really its my fault


BabyMomma: no no hes right. We do need to talk.


AccidentallyDad: okay… I know ur busy right now but will you come over after work?


BabyMomma: of course


Ginge: damn I was hoping to shank myself


FRICKINLEMONS: id blow you up myself before I let you do that


Ginge: I thought u thought I was finger fucking myself


FRICKINLEMONS: well now you’ve just gone and made it weird


Ginge: good. Ill save some alfredo sauce for you


Ginge: fucking tortellini


Thoushaltshutup: Higuchi kicked Atsushi out again


Noticemesenpai: he fucking deserved it


Thoushaltshutup: and theres another “shut up Higuchi”






FRICKINLEMONS: go borrow your bfs oxygen hose


GeronimoStilton I don’t think that’s a good idea


FRICKINLEMONS: and I don’t think u understand sarcasm


GeronimoStilton: fucking fight me


Shadowbanned: Ango no oull lose


Noticemesenpai: that’s what makes it funny


AngryChuuyaNoises: u wanna know something that’s not funny?


Noticemesenpai: …


FuckityFuck: …what is is Chuuya-kun?


AngryChuuyaNoises: well Ranpo was right about them targeting me


Shithead: im never wrong


HorrorWhore: shut up and let him speak


Shithead: saY IT TO MY FACE


HorrorWhore: nO


AngryChuuyaNoises: I just spoke to one of my subordinates, Nakamura. And he’s informed me of some rather disturbing news.


Sugardaddy: which is?


AngryChuuyaNoises: he knows what’s going on. Who in general is responsible.


Sugardaddy: and who would that be?


AngryChuuyaNoises: I really don’t want to believe him


ElectricBoogaloo: Chibi… who’s done this?


AngryChuuyaNoises: some of my old subordinates


ElectricBoogaloo: ill fucking kill them


AngryChuuyaNoises: it gets worse


AccidentallyDad: what


Ginge: how could that possibly get any worse??


AngryChuuyaNoises: theyre not working alone. They’ve teamed up with some ppl whove been keeping tabs on me over the years. And after whats happened, they don’t see me fit to be a leader. They never have.


ElectricBoogaloo: no. don’t tell me…


AngryChuuyaNoises: they’ve joined forces with the remains of the Sheep.

Chapter Text

Akutagawa stirred in his bed, eyes opening and shutting repeatedly before he was able to focus on the people around him. He turned his head to the right, a smile creeping onto his face as he took in sunset eyes and sloppy bangs. Atsushi hadn’t yet noticed he was awake. Akutagawa traced the line of Atsushi’s arm down to where he held his limp hand, and he gave it a squeeze to alert him.


Atsushi’s eyes turned to him immediately. God… he could look at those eyes forever. They were beautiful. “Ryuu, hey.”


“You stayed.”


“Of course I did, I told you that I would be right here when you woke up.”


“He wouldn’t even leave to go to the bathroom.”


“Shut up, Tachihara,” said Atsushi.


A woman’s laughter caught his attention and he tilted his head the other way, following his boyfriend’s previous gaze. He found a woman with short blonde hair, who grinned across the room, still laughing at Tachi’s joke. “Higuchi?”


Her warm eyes turned to him and she took his hand, leaning forward in her seat. “Hi. Atsushi thought it would be good for me to come see you. How are you feeling?”


“I’m getting there. Just… very tired.”


“I can see that,” she chuckled. “I don’t blame you, though.”


“Oh, you’re awake!” All three of them turned to the door where Kyouka stood, a clipboard tucked under her arm. “I’ll get Yosano-sensei to come and take your vitals. Do you need anything else? Water or some food?”


“Just water, thank you.”


She nodded. “Tachihara?”


“Food. I’m gunna gnaw off my arm.”


“Somehow I doubt that.”


“Wanna test me?”


She raised a brow. “No, not particularly. I’ll see what we have in the kitchen.”


“Thank you.”


She nodded and left the room. Only a moment later, the sound of Yosano’s heels could be heard approaching the room, and then she was in front of them. “Behaving, Tachi?”


“Absolutely not.”


She chuckled, rounding Akutagawa’s bed until she was directly beside him on Higuchi’s side. She helped him sit up and held her stethoscope to his chest, and then to his back. He did his best to breathe deep, but the breaths were raspy and shallower than normal. Yosano tilted her head back and forth before taking his hand and checking the oximeter on his index finger. It flickered back and forth between 91 and 92.


“You’re definitely improving. How’s your chest feel?”




“Hmm… your voice isn’t the best, either. Don’t talk too much if you don’t have to.”




“Sorry, Ryuu. Just a while longer.”


“I could get used to this,” quipped Tachi, taking a bag of something from Kyouka. “What are these?”


“One of Ranpo’s snacks. Don’t tell him.”


“I don’t want to die when I’m just recovering.”


“Well they’re better than the expired milk and leftover curry flavoured ramen in the kitchen.”


“On second thought…” He ripped the bag open, causing her to laugh and cross to Akutagawa. She handed him a glass of water.


He took a sip and swallowed, the cool liquid soothing on his damaged throat. “Thank you.”




“I see Gin’s still sleeping,” Yosano lamented. “Has she moved at all?”


“She turned her head earlier,” said Tachi. “I got excited. Thought she was gunna wake up.”


Yosano’s face brightened a bit. “Well that’s a good sign, then. How long ago was that?”


“40 minutes ago, maybe?”


“Just after all the chat chaos?”


“Yeah. Speaking of which, you don’t think Chuuya is really going to try to deal with this all by himself do you?”


Yosano hemmed and hawed. “He might.”


“He will.”


“Don’t talk,” scolded Yosano.


“It’s true.”


Higuchi shot him a glare, then turned to Tachi. “I think he’s right. Chuuya’s angry and scared. He’s worried we will get hurt so he won’t let us come with him.”


“He’ll get slaughtered if he goes alone.”


“I don’t disagree, Tachi, but—”


“Chuuya’s dealt with them before. He can do it again.”


All eyes turned to the doorway, where Dazai leant against the doorframe. “Dazai-san.”


Dazai nodded at Atsushi, but turned his attention back to Tachihara and Higuchi. “When Chuuya and I first met, he was in the Sheep. And they backstabbed him. One of his so-called friends stabbed him in the stomach with a poisoned knife. And yet, he begged me not to kill them and forgave them. He’ll be just fine.”


“But it’s different this time,” Atsushi said. “Now it’s his mafia subordinates, too. And they aren’t just targeting him.”


“No, but he knows the sheep. And he knows his subordinates. He knows their strengths and weaknesses. It will be difficult for him, but I don’t believe he will be slaughtered.”


“You don’t think he’ll want to use his corrupted for, do you, Dazai?”


“I don’t know. I wouldn’t rule it out, though.”


Higuchi’s eyes widened. “But he can’t! Not without you, he’ll die!”


“He knows that.”


“He said he won’t let anyone go with him,” Tachi reminded him.


“He won’t be letting me go anywhere.”


The room remained silent for a minute as everyone let that digest. And then a soft voice spoke up—Kyouka. “I will go with you. I can help.”


“Me too,” said Higuchi.


“I will as well,” said Atsushi.


Yosano glanced around at them all. “I don’t know if all of you going is a good idea.”


Dazai nodded. “At the very least, though, I have to. Even if I have to sneak in.”




“I just feel bad,” said Higuchi. “None of this stuff is his fault but he’s taking it that way.”


“These guys are idiots,” Tachi spat. “Chuuya’s a great leader. I don’t get why they want to fuck with him so bad.”


Dazai sighed. “They didn’t think he was fit to be leader before because he’d switch sides. Because he was too powerful. They thought he was dangerous. And now they don’t like that he’s become friendly with us at the ADA and that he’s with me. They think he’s incapable of keeping people alive because of Yumeno and they tried to prove that again with the fire. I wouldn’t be shocked if they try again. But a lot of this stems from him being powerful. They think he’s a monster because of his ability.”


“But he can’t help that!”


“I know that, Atsushi. None of us can help the abilities that we were born with or the grievances that they put on us. But these guys don’t care. They just want to hurt him. Because they think if they can break him down, they won’t have to worry about his power or his so-called incapabilites anymore.”


“But why the sheep,” asked Akutagawa. “I don’t understand. Wasn’t that a long time ago?”


“Didn’t they get split up?” Kyouka asked.


“Yes, it was a long time ago. And yes they did get split up. And that’s precisely why the sheep are traming up with these guys. When Chuuya left, the government had to get involve. They split up these kids that had nobody and sent them all around the country separately. In their eyes… Chuuya took everything from them after they’d done all they could to help him. And they can’t forgive him for that.”


“But it wasn’t his fault!”


“We all know that, Atsushi-kun. But Chuuya doesn’t. Which is why he’s taking this so hard.”


Atsushi let out a long breath and looked to the floor. “Are you going to go see him?”


“Yeah. And I’ll bring some wine home, too. Help him mellow out.”


“That’s so unhealthy, Osamu.”


He snorted at Yosano. “And? It’s Chuuya, what do you expect.”


“Speaking of home,” Atsushi said. “Who’s moving into Dazai’s old dorm? You just finished moving out the other day, right?”




“I think Lucy is,” said Yosano. “She was paying for an apartment downtown before.”


“She wasn’t paying for it,” Kyouka corrected. “Poe-san was.”


“Case in point. It will be easier for everyone if she takes Dazai’s old dorm.”


“Does that mean Kyouka will be oving in with Lucy?” Higuchi asked.


“Why would I move in with Lucy?”


“Well, wouldn’t it make sense for you to live with another girl…?”


Kyouka shrugged. “I mean, I spend most of my time with Kenji anyway, so why does it really matter? I mean, it’s not that I don’t like Lucy, but Atsushi’s my brother. It just doesn’t bother me.”


“It doesn’t bother me either,” said Atsushi.


Higuchi held up her hands. “I was just asking.”


“They were just telling.”


“Shut up, Tachihara.”


He snickered, then looked to Dazai. “You better get going before Chuuya bites through his tongue in anxiety.”


Dazai cringed. “Thanks for that visual.”


“You’re welcome.”


With a roll of his eyes and a wave of his hand, Dazai turned on his heel and left.  Yosano turned back to the group. “So, is everybody feeling okay? Need anything?”


“For Gin to wake up,” Akutagawa mumbled.


Atsushi kissed his hand. “I’m sure she will wake up soon, babe.”


“She’s the only family I have left…”


“She’s gunna wake up,” said Tachi. “She’s tough, she’ll make it out of this ali—holy shit she’s moving again!”


All eyes turned to the young girl in the bed. Sure enough, she squirmed in her bed, limited in the ways she could move. Her face scrunched up as she tilted her head side to side. Her undamaged leg lifted slightly, pulling closer to her other one. The group held their breath until she stopped moving.


Akutagawa sighed. “Soon.”


“Soon,” Yosano echoed.


“I just want to know why she was in there to begin with.”


“What do you mean?”


“In the locker room, I mean.”


“It’s just a locker room, why is that so suspicious.”


“Because it was her day off,” said Tachi.


“I gave her the day off because she’s worked four missions back to back,” said Higuchi.


Yosano nodded. “Maybe she forgot something?”


Akutagawa shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. It was the men’s locker room.”


“She was in the men’s locker room?”




“Why the hell was she in the men’s locker room?”


Akutagawa opened his mouth to speak, but became distracted by a soft laughter coming from his right side. He turned to look at his siter, who’s eyes remained closed, but mouth was curled into a smile. She laughed as if she was high, snickering to herself over someone unknown joke in her head. “Itching powder.”


That was all she said before the smile slipped from her face and she was pulled back into a sleeping state. The group exchanged glances before Atsushi furrowed his brows. “Itching powder?”


“What was she planning on doing with that?” Higuchi asked.


“It’s Gin,” said Kyouka, laughing. “What do you expect?”


“I bet you she was probably trying to put itching powder in my clothes,” grumbled Tachi.


Akutagawa tried to stifle a laugh. “That’s my sister.”




“It’s funny.”


“No it’s not!”

“It’s a little funny,” chuckled Kyouka.


Tachi threw his hands up before lying back down on his bed, letting his eyes fall shut. “I can’t win with you guys.”


“When have you ever won with us before?”


“Shut up, Higuchi.”


“Hey,” croaked Akutagawa. “That’s my line.”


“Yeah, well, I stole it.”


“That’s unacceptable.”


“Oh yeah? Fight me for it.”


“Okay.” A white tendril shot across the room, stopping an inch away from Tachi’s face. He yelped and nearly rolled off the bed, swatting at it.


“Get that damn thing away from me.”


“That thing has a name you know.”


“I don’t careeee. Just get it away from me!”


“Fine. Geez.”


Atsushi laughed, doing his best not to let Tachi see his wide smile. That didn’t last long, however, as more shifting noises came from beside him. Gin was stirring again. Within seconds, there was a yawn, followed by a pained noise. No doubt her throat was damaged from the smoke.


Yosano crossed to Gin immediately, pulling a stool over to sit beside her head. She pushed some of the girl’s hair back behind her ear and fixed the bandages there. Gin’s eyelids fluttered for a moment, and then groggy grey eyes stared up at Yosano. They were unfocused at first, and then widened, panic stricken. She took a sharp inhale and tried to push herself into a sitting position, but quickly winced, worsening her panic.


“Hey, hey, whoa…” Yosano pushed her back down onto the mattress as gently as she could. “It’s just me. It’s alright.”


Gin searched her face. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out the first time she tried.


Yosano shook her head. “Hold on a minute. Kyouka, grab her a glass of water please.”


“On it.”


“Gin, do you remember what happened?” The girl only shrugged. “Do you remember that there was a fire?” She nodded. “Do you remember being stuck?” She nodded again, beginning to shake. Yosano smoothed her hair back. “Hey, you’re alright. You’re safe now…”


Gin tried to speak again, first a croak and then only air. She winced. Kyouka appeared at her side with a bottle of water, the kind you have to squirt it out of. She lowered it to the girl’s lips and squeezed it gently, allowing a small amount into he mouth. She swallowed it, wincing again, but the coolness of the water seemed to sooth the pain ever so slightly. Kyouka repeated this once more. Before setting the bottle down beside her bed.


“Is that better?”


Gin nodded.


Yosano nodded. “What were you trying to ask me, hun?”


Finally, a single word made it out. Raspy, but audible. “How?”


“How did you get out?” She nodded. “Your brother and Tachihara went back in for you.”


“Are—” She cut herself off with a cough. “Are they okay?”


“We’re fine, Gin.”


Her face lit up at the sound of her brother’s voice. She turned her head to look at him, brows furrowing at the sight of the IV and oxygen mask on his face. “Ryuu?”


“I’m okay, Gin. I promise.”


Atsushi offered her a small smile. “He just needed some fluids and some clean air. He’s alright.”


She nodded, cringing at the pain in her head. “And Tachi?”


“I’m right here, too, Gin.”


She turned the other way then, a relieved smile appearing on her face. “You’re okay?”


He slid off of his bed and crossed to her, taking her good hand. “Of course I am. I’ve never been better.”




“How’re you feeling?”




“Well, you’re in bad shape… That locker really did a number on you.”


“The smoke, too,” said Akutgawa.


Gin looked to Yosano. “Will I be okay?”


“Of course. Your leg and arm just need time to heal. Your head, too. Speaking of which, Tachi, get back in bed for the love of God.”


“I’m fine!”


“You’re concussed, now get back over there!”


He groaned. “Fine. But first, I have a question for Gin.”


She raised her brows. “Hmm?”


“Were you in the men’s locker room to put itching powder in my clothes?”


She snickered, unable to stop herself. “Yeah.”


“Oh for fuck’s sake.”


The room dissolved into laughter. Meanwhile, Tachi got back into bed and rolled over. Though he rolled his eyes at her, he was glad that she was safe. Overjoyed. And under the guise of sleep and covered by a blanket, he let himself go. He was unaware of Yosano nearby cleaning her tools, but that was okay. She will never tell anybody that she saw him cry anyway.




Kunikida rose to his feet at the sound of knocking on his front door, chewing on the inside of his lip. He didn’t have to check to know who it was, that soft knock would always be identifiable to him. He turned the knob and pulled the door open, not meeting Haruno’s eyes as she entered.


She toed off her shoes and set down her purse before looking up to him. They stood in silence, taking each other in until Kunikida cracked and directed her with a nod of his head. She followed behind him to the bedroom, clambering up onto the blankets and sitting cross-legged. He sat across from her, staring down at his lap as he picked fluffs from his pants.


She played with her hair, twirling it around her finger and watching it bounce back.  They were at a stalemate and they both knew it. They’d also both been difficult, and they knew that, too. Minutes passed. One… two… three… Until they both blurted something out at once.


“I’m sorry!”


“No, I’m sorry!”


They chuckled together at their synchronized speech. Haruno tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Listen… I know I was being difficult. And I’m sorry. You hadn’t even really said anything, I was just jumping to conclusions.”


Kunikida shook his head, shooting her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, too. At least you had a reason, what with the pregnancy hormones and everything.”


“No, don’t play that card. I was… I was a bitch. And I’m so sorry, Doppo. I shouldn’t have just ran out like that. I should have stayed. We should have talked it out.”


“And I shouldn’t be pushing my ideals onto you…”


“I guess we’re both being unfair, huh?”


“Yeah. I guess so.” Kunikida smiled as he looked down. “I just… I didn’t ever want you to feel like what we have needs to be fixed. I love us the way we are. I just thought that mabe w could be even better. You know?”


“I know. But your ideals seem to be so set in stone and… look I know I don’t fit all of your ideals for a woman. And I guess that made me insecure. About me but also about our relationship. I just… I don’t want to disappoint you.”


Kunikida took Haruno’s hands. “Look at me. I… I don’t care about if you fit those ideals or not. Fuck those ideals. I didn’t know you when I made that list. I didn’t know how perfect you were and I don’t know how much I would love you. Please… don’t compare yourself to those. Because they will never, ever, come close to being as good as you, Kirako.”


“You don’t mean that…”


“I do mean that. I’m growing as a person. We all are. And I understand now that those ideals don’t have to stay stagnant. And what I thought my ideal woman was then doesn’t match up to what my ideal woman is now, and that ideal woman is you.”


“So… you’re not ashamed of me?”


“I never said that I was.”


“You’re not ashamed that you got a girl pregnant out of wedlock?”


“It wasn’t what I had imagined, but no. I’m not ashamed of it.”


She looked away. “But it wasn’t what you wanted.”


“Just because it wasn’t what I wanted doesn’t mean that I’m not okay with it. Or that I’m not happy about it now.”


“I guess…”


Kunikida sighed. “Did you want to work for the armed Detective Agency before you started?”


“I didn’t even know it existed. And even if I had of, I don’t think I would have expected to be hired.”


“But now that you’re here, would you change it? Don’t you love it here?”


“Of course, I do! But—Oh. Oh.”


He nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. It wasn’t what I expected or what I had planned. But I love you and I love our baby. And I wouldn’t change this for the world.”


Haruno teared up at that. “I wouldn’t either.”


“Do you forgive me?”


“Do you forgive me?”


He smiled, giving her hands a squeeze. “Of course, I do. I mean… I shouldn’t have sprung that proposal on you like that. We’ve never talked about it and I should’ve known how it would look to you. And I don’t even know if you’re ready for that, I never even asked. I’m sorry for that.”


“I forgive you.”


“Good.” His smile spread wider. “Will you stay tonight? Maybe we can take a look at that book you got me together?”


She leaned forwards and pecked his lips. “Of course I’ll stay.”


He caught her lips again and kissed her slowly. “I love you, Kirako.”


“I love you, too.”

Chapter Text

Friday, 7:00 pm


ElectricBoogaloo added Noticemesenpai, Thoushaltshutup, AccidentallyDad, FRICKINLEMONS, FuckityFuck, UpforStabs, NotmyNeko, Ginge, CATana and Shithead to a chat


ElectricBoogaloo: hello fellow teammates


AccidentallyDad: what in the blazing fuck is this


NotmyNeko: well this is an odd combination


Noticemesenpai: what do you want


FuckityFuck: ^^


FuckityFuck: im kinda busy trying to persuade Chuuya not to go on a suicide mission


ElectricBoogaloo: that’s actually why ive created this chat


FRICKENLEMONS: to make it more chaotic for fun?


ElectricBoogaloo: no


Shithead: what is wrong w u




Ginge: we KNOW


Thoushaltshutup: what the fuck did I just walk into




AccidentallyDad: NO


ElectricBoogaloo: GUYS


NotmyNeko: yes Dazai-san?


ElectricBoogaloo: can I continue?


CATana: proceed Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: thank you president


ElectricBoogaloo: ahem


Ginge: this is text


ElectricBoogaloo: shut UP Junichiro


Ginge: no


UpforStabs: there


Thoushaltshutup: what did u do




Noticemesenpai: 🤦🏻‍♀️


Thoushaltshutup: ffs


Notmyneko: it was funny to be fair


Ginge: maybe for u 😭


CATana: anyway…


ElectricBoogaloo: Chuuya told me about a hour ago what his plan is to recue Mori, and as Kouyou said, it’s a suicide mission


Ginge: how so?




Ginge: idk whats going on at this point cut me some slack


Thoushaltshutup: he wasn’t there for half of these conversations


CATana: I don’t think I was there for any of them




ElectricBoogaloo: OH MY GOD


NotmyNeko: sorry Dazai-san


ElectricBoogaloo: u didn’t even do anything…


UpforStabs: sorry Lucy is rubbing off on him


Thoushaltshutup: PFFT


Noticemesenpai: shed kick u for that


UpforStabs: shes not here so


Noticemesenpai: 🙄


AccidentallyDad: guys cmon before Dazai blows a gasket


ElectricBoogaloo: Chuuya plans to head to Suribachi city by himself tmo, to where Mori is most likely sedated judging by how he hasn’t summoned Elise. Which means there are people there to keep him sedated, and likely members acting as guards


NotmyNeko: not good


Noticemesenpai: nope


ElectricBoogaloo: this was already a touchy subject bc it was a personal attack, but with it injuring ppl close to him and then finding out it was his own subordinates and the remainder of the Sheep… hes gunna have a hard time with this


FRICKINLEMONS: but Chuuya has handled many many tough missions on his own


ElectricBoogaloo: im well aware of that fact. But with something so personal, Im worried he might lose control. He cant activate Corruption in an enclosed space and we don’t know where Mori is being held yet. Plus he cant activate it if I’m not there, but he would if he was threatened enough or angry enough


FuckityFuck: so are you planning on going with him?


Shithead: I think he plans on us all going judging by the people in this chat


Thoushaltshutup: wait wait wait


ElectricBoogaloo: let me finish


Thoushaltshutup: fine. Make it snappy


ElectricBoogaloo: I figure that bc the sheep are children, we wont want to kill them. So I picked people skilled in martial arts or ways of fighting to simply knock people out without hurting them. Namely Fukuzawa, Kunikida, Kouyou, and Kyouka.


Notmyneko: okay what about the rest of us


ElectricBoogloo: IM GETTING TO THAT


ElectricBoogaloo: SHEESH


NotmyNeko: 😶


ElectricBoogaloo: I chose Ranpo for obvious reasons. Yosano in case anyone gets injured and to help Mori. Higuchi and Atsushi because the two of you are proficient with your chosen weapons, well, weapons/abilities. Some of these people are armed subordinates so you might be needed. Junichiro for his ability. And Kajii because I think we may need sleeping gas at some point.


AccidentallyDad: wow you really thought this out


ElectricBoogaloo: why so surprised


AccidentallyDad: im not its just a fact


Thoushaltshutup: Dazai Junichiro isn’t cleared from desk duty yet


Ginge: fuck it im going anyway


Thoushaltshutup: 😒


Ginge: these guys nearly killed Gin! And Akutagawa and Tachihara got really hurt too! I’m not going to just sit there if I have the chance to help. Especially if Chuuya’s life might be on the line.


Thoushaltshutup: how did I know you were going to say that


Ginge: b cur not stupid


Thoushaltshutup: wow for once its not an insult


Notmyneko: nah hes saving those for me


Noticemesenpai: lol


Thoushaltshutup: yeah sounds about right


CATana: alright Dazai. So whats your plan?


ElectricBoogaloo: alright. This might not make sense at first, but hear me out okay?


AccidentallyDad: alright…


FuckityFuck: anything for Chuuya


ElectricBoogaloo: alright. Here goes…




Listen Up, Fuckers


Friday, 9:00 pm


Shithead: pls help


Thoushaltshutup: whats wrong??


Shithead: Poe’s purposefully being an ass


Shadowbanned: u mean he does that by accident sometimes?


Shithead: yes


Shadowbanned: okay…


Hermit: what has he done now


Shithead: @HorrorWhore show them


HorrorWhore: lol okay


EmoAsthmatic: well this cant be good


HorrorWhore: (in English) English is a difficult language to learn. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.


ElectricBoogaloo: that just gave me an aneurism


NotmyNeko: what


Ginge: oh god pls don’t make me read that


Thoushaltshutup: oh


EmoAsthmatic: ffs


Ithinknot: Poe


HorrorWhore: yes Lucy?


Ithinknot: you need to stop


HorrorWhore: no <3


AccidentallyDad: oh god hes chaotic


GeronimoStilton: jfc what is this


GeronimoStilton: I have a headache now


Ginge: I cant even PRONOUNCE that


UpforStabs: pls tell me I wont be learning that in school


AngryChuuyaNoises: I hate the English language


Ithinknot: that’s okay so do we


HorrorWhore: ^^


Shithead: youre a WRITER


HorrorWhore: AND?


FuckityFuck: I wish I didn’t know what that meant


Noticemesenpai: lol Kyouka u know what would be funny


UpforStabs: what?


Noticemesenpai: screenshot that and show it to Kenji when he gets back


UpforStabs: LOL YES


Ginge: that’s so mean


Ginge: do it


Shadowbanned: u guys are so mean to this poor kid


UpforStabs: hey if I had to read that bullshit then so does he


GeronimoStilton: that’s the spirit 🙄


GeronimoStilton: I cant believe ur encouraging this Ichiyou


Bandades_and_Babes: u cant?


Thoushaltshutup: GET OFF UR PHONE


EmoAsthmatic: yeah Tachihara


Bandades_and_Babes: u get off urs too then


EmoAsthmatic: im not concussed


Bandades_and_Babes: 🖕


Thoushaltshutup: DO I NEED TO COME IN THERE


EmoAsthmatic: I wouldn’t he shoved it down his pants


Hermit: pfft


Ithinknot: oh my god


HorrorWhore: that’s uncleanly


Shithead: that’s what ur worried about


HorrorWhore: yes


HorrorWore: do u know how many germs are on a phone? That cant be good for his penis




Notatanizaki: the worst part is that hes laughing about it


Notatanizaki sent a photo (in the Tanizakis living room, sitting around a circular table. Jun is laughgin so hard he’s crying, leaning on Atsushi who is also laughing. Kyouka is glaring at Jun, her face and hair covered in water).


AccidentallyDad: 🤦🏽‍♂️


EmoAsthmatic: lol


AngryChuuyaNoises: its okay Dazai did that with a mouthful of wine a few minutes ago


ElectricBoogaloo: IM SORRY




ElectricBoogaloo: 😭


FRICKINLEMONS: he cant its gone


FRICKINLEMONS: that’s how money works Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises; u wanna go smartass?


FuckityFuck: calm down hothead its just a mouthful


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😒


ElectricBoogaloo: you have GOT to teach me how to do that


AngryChuuyaNoises: does she?


ElectricBoogaloo: YES


ElectricBoogaloo: I didn’t want a dog bc of the barking but ur louder than a fucking dog!


AngryChuuyaNoises: yeah well ur as messy as one!


UpforStabs: theyre like an old married couple…


Shadowbanned: yep.


AngryChuuyaNoises: excuse me were not old


ElectricBoogaloo: those couple grey hairs beg to differ


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHAT


AccidentallyDad: relax redheads tend to not go grey. At least not as much


Ginge: sweet


Ithinknot: hell yeah


FuckityFuck: sounds good to me


AngryChuuyaNoises: thank god


ElectricBoogaloo: remember the bald spot HAHA


EmoAsthmatic: what?


Noticemesenpai: no?


AngryChuuyaNoises: when we first saw each other again, Dazai was making fun of me saying I still wore my hat to hide a bald spot


NotmyNeko: loll


Ginge: maybe not yet but if u keep wearing it constantly…




AccidentallyDad: careful, if ur too neurotic ur hair will fall out


Shithead: did Dazai tell u that?


AccidentallyDad: yes why?


Shithead: …


AccidentallyDad: DAZAIIIIII


ElectricBoogaloo: im messing with you ~


Ginge: 🤦🏽‍♂️


FuckityFuck: smh


NotmyNeko: will u ever stop messing with him?


ElectricBoogaloo: nope


BabyMomma: not even once hes got a kid


ElectricBoogaloo: esp not then! So many ideas!


BabyMomma: im warning you


ElectricBoogaloo: relax theyre all harmless! To the baby at least


GeronimoStilton: the way he says all worries me a little bit


AccidentallyDad: a little bit?


AccidentallyDad: A LITTLE BIT ANGO??


GeronimoStilton: what did u want me to say? A lot a bit?




GeronimoStilton: im just glad hes not tormenting me anymore, its normally you or Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: thanks Ango


GeronimoStilton: youre welcome


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😒





BabyMomma: what? No?


AccidentallyDad: I MEANT DAZAI


AccidentallyDad: HES MENTALLY TWO


ElectricBoogaloo: cmonnnnn I don’t think ur giving me enough credit


Thoushaltshutup: im pretty sure hes giving you too much


Thoushaltshutup: id say hes like 1


NotmyNeko: 0. An infant


UpforStabs: so that’s why he got along with Emiko so well…








BabyMomma: remind me to never let him near my child


AccidentallyDad: yeah…








UpforStabs: SHES 4


NotmyNeko: bested by a 14-year-old


Ginge: is that again?


Noticemesenpai: is that both of them now?


Ginge: ive lost track


Shithead: im pretty sure Dazai’s bested Kenji way too many times for him to win


ElectricBoogaloo: I think Kunikida did the worst of that tho


AccidentallyDad: stoppppppp


Ginge: u should’ve seen his face 😂


UpforStabs: he looked haunted


Shithead: couldn’t look at Kyouka for a week straight


UpforStabs: that’s not true!!


Thoushaltshutup: you guys stop making fun of poor Kenji when hes not here!!


UpforStabs: but its funny


Thoushaltshutup: youre his girlfriend Kyouka!


UpforStabs: think of it as a love punch


Ginge: is that what u call it


EmoAthmatic: bullying is how she shows endearment


NotmyNeko: sounds like you


EmoAsthmatic: where do you think she learned it


ElectricBoogaloo: me


EmoAsthmatic: that’s fair


Shithead: me too


NotmyNeko: Ryuu u literally STABBED me


EmoAsthmatic: we tried to kill each other a lot 🤷‍♂️


Ginge: hes so nonchalant about trying to murder his boyfriend


AngryChuuyaNoises: seems to be a trend


Noticemesenpai: did you just @ yourself?


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes yes I did


AccidentallyDad: smart tatctic. Expose yourself before anyone else can


Ithinknot: reminds me of Eminem


NotmyNeko: who?


Ithinknot: nvm


HorrorWhore: that’s true actually


Shithead: none of us know who that is


Ithinknot: it might be better if u don’t know anything about America


Ithinknot: or the Americas in general


HorrorWhore: save yourself from North America


Ithinknot: were warning u now


Ginge: … okay…?


NotmyNeko: just for that im gunna visit


Ithinknot: not w that haircut ur not


NotmyNeko: leave my poor hair alone


Ithinknot: u and ur bf need to fix ur bangs before u visit unless u wanna get harassed


EmoAsthmatic: whats wrong w my bangs?


Ithinknot: oh hun


EmoAsthmatic: do u wanna die??


Ithinknot: relax edgelord ur bedridden


EmoAsthmatic: how dare u


Ithinknot: easily now go to sleep I think its passed ur bedtime




Thoushaltshutup: im not sorry


EmoAsthmatic: ugh


Shithead: it was funny


EmoAsthmatic: no it wasn’t


Shithead: her humour is top tier u just don’t like her bc u think shes trying to fuck your boyfriend


NotmyNeko: oh for fuck’s sake


EmoAsthmatic: I do not!


AccidentallyDad: yes u do


UpforStabs: and Jun


Noticemesenpai: and who else was it? Chuuya? Or was it Kajii? Idek anymore tbh


UpforStabs: me neother I cant keep track


NotmyNeko: lord give me patience


FRICKINLEMONS: don’t u mean give u strength


NotmyNeko: no


NotmyNeko: if he gave me strength all of u morons would be dead


Ginge: oh shit




AngryCHuuyaNoises: how had kenji not killed anybody


UpforStabs: idk


AccidentallyDad: neother do I but id like some of his calm pls


NotmyNeko: u guys think hes calm? LMAO NO


UpforStabs: feral child tm


NotmyNeko: no that’s u


UpforStabs: stfu


NotmyNeko: u love me


UpforStabs: no I don’t


NotmyNeko: yes u do


UpforStabs: fine…


UpforStabs: maybe I do


NotmyNeko: :)


UpforStabs: but ur still anoyng as fuck


NotmyNeko: D:

Chapter Text


Saturday, 11:57 am


Multiple pairs of feet hit the pavement on the side of the road, the small group piling out of one of the Agency’s vans. There were mumbles here and they as the group gathered their supplies and weapons, double and triple checking everything at Kunikida’s request. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust them, it was just that he didn’t trust them.




Brown eyes glanced up from the phone in his hand. “Yes, Atsushi-kun?”


“Are you sure we’re in the right place?”


“Are you doubting Ranpo-san’s brilliant detective work.”


“N-no! It’s just… There’s nothing here.”


“This is Suribachi City,” said Kyouka, stopping beside him as she slid her knife back into her Obi. “There’s more here than you think.”


“I know where we are, it just seems like this building is abandoned and well… damaged.”


“All the better for crime.”


Dazai nodded and Atsushi glanced between the two of them. “If you say so.”


“I do.” He slipped his phone back into his pocket and turned to the rest of the group. “Everybody got everything? Weapons? Kajii’s sleeping gas?”


“Yes,” said Higuchi, rolling her eyes. “Kunikida made us check an unreasonable amunt of times.”


“You can never be too sure.”


“Oh shut up, will you?”


Dazai chuckled. “Alright then, gather round.” The group huddled around Dazai, watching as he adjusted an earpiece. He tapped it once, then twice, and nodded. “Ranpo? Are you there?”


He must’ve answered, Atsushi realized, when Dazai nodded once more.


“This building on the left here, where do we head once we’re inside?” He paused, waiting for an answer before relaying it to the group. “We need to find a door that leads to a stairwell, or a hatch with a ladder to a lower-level. Is that all Ranpo?” Another brief pause. “Perfect, thanks.”


“Ready to go?” Kunikida asked.


“Yep. Junichiro?”


“On it.”


Within a second, a flickering green screen appeared around the group. The glowing snowflakes fell all around them and encased them in an illusion. Kouyou furrowed her brows, turning around in a circle. “Won’t the green screen be a bit obvious?”


Junichiro shook his head. “Nope. As long as no one leaves this square of light, no one on the outside can see us at all. You can only see it because you’re inside, but I’ve projected the outside scenery onto us, so anyone we come across will see right through us.”




Dazai nodded, pulling his gun and holding it in front of him. “Let’s head out.”


Following his lead, they headed to the front of the building. As Atsushi had thought earlier, it was empty as far as they could see through the dirt-caked windows. And, as he was sure was the Sheep’s plan, the door was unlocked. It opened with barely a sound and the group crossed the threshold with baited breath, wondering exactly what waited for them up ahead.


Kyouka stuck to his side as they walked, which Atsushi didn’t mind. Though he knew she was perfectly capable of defending herself, it was relieving to have her right next to him the whole time. The same went for Junichiro, who kept to Atsushi’s left. He continuously side-eyed him, checking on him as inconspicuously as possible. Jun didn’t want Atsushi to constantly worry about him, and he knew that. Ut it was hard, especially when this was his first ‘case’ back after the one at the children’s hospital that set everything off.


Yosano seemed to have the same idea, judging by how her gaze routinely returned to him over the twenty-five minutes the scoured the building’s main floor. Jun scowled at her when he caught her, which seemed to stop her for the time being. But she was mostly at ease, he seemed perfectly fine.


Atsushi nearly walked into Higuchi’s back when she stopped abruptly behind Dazai. He peered through a dark window, cupping his hands around his eyes to block the reflection of the hallway’s dim lights. “Who has a flashlight?” Fukuzawa handed him one, which he shone through the window. “It looks like there’s another door back there… let’s check this out.”


Once again, the door was unlocked. It was as if the Sheep wanted them to find them… which they probably did. That or Chuuya had already unlocked them. However, Atsushi noted when he passed through that it didn’t seem like entry had been forced. The lock hadn’t been shot and nothing had been broken. What were they playing at?


Inching through the dark room, which seemed to be a banquet hall of some sort, would have been easier if not for all of the obstacles in their way. The thin shaft of light offered by the flashlight only helped so much, and many of them ended up tripping on overturned chairs, broken table legs, and torn tablecloths that hung too close to the ground. The lights in the room had been broken or burnt out, because when Kouyou flipped the switch on the wall they ended up clinging to, nothing happened.


“Stop,” hissed Dazai through the darkness.


“What is it?” Kunikida hissed back.


“The lights in that next room are on—full blast. And the door has a window. If we go straight toward us, we’ll be seen if there’s anyone in there.”


“Hug the walls,” instructed Fukuzawa. “Inch around the sides until we’re right next to the door, then we’ll plan our next move.”


With a nod, Dazai continued down the side wall. He narrowly avoided falling over a chair and Atsushi bit his lip to keep from laughing. It was not the time to laugh at other people falling. And yet, somehow, it was still funny.


By the time he’d turned the corner, Dazai was right next to the door, peering in the side of the vertical window. He pulled his head away quick and looked back over his shoulder. “Where’s the sleeping gas?”


“Here.” Yosano pulled two canisters from the bag she caried on her shoulder and held them out to Dazai.


He took them from her and studied them for a moment before inching the door open, rolling them inside, and then pulling it shut. The people inside began yelling to each other, trying to figure out what was going on. One tugged on the door handle, but Kyouka had rushed for the handle, and held the door closed as she crouched beneath the window level, cleverly avoiding being shot.


As fast as it had started, the yelling subsided with a series of thumps from beyond the door. A second later, Kyouka stood back up and swung the door open. “We’re good.”


She waited until Atsushi fell into step beside her to keep walking. As they passed through the room, he realized who they’d put to sleep. Several children around Kyouka’s age, a boy and two girls, had fallen out of their chairs. Near the door were two men dressed in black suits, clearly Chuuya’s subordinates. Absently, Atsushi wondered how Chuuya had gotten past them without hurting them at all. None of them had so much as a scratch.


He pushed the thought aside as Dazai heaved open a door at the very back of the room. Inside the dark room was a staircase that led downwards, and the man smirked. “Bingo.”


“Are you sure he’s down there?” Higuchi asked. “Those guys weren’t hurt at all. Chuuya-san must not have come this way.”


Dazai pursed his lips and pulled out his phone. “Chuuya and I have our location shared in case something… uh… ever happened again. So let me see… There he is. He’s about 400 m away from where we are right now. So I’d assume he’s down there. If not we’ll circle back.”


“Sounds good to me.”


Dazai handed the flashlight back to Fukuzawa as he turned on the one on his phone. Together, the two of them lit up their path. Why half the lights were on and half were off was beyond them, but regardless, they had to make it to the bottom.


The stairwell was as musty as it was dark, causing a few of them to cover their mouths as they coughed, doing their best to stay quiet. It continued on for quite some time. On and on they descended, thankful for the clearer air outside the stairwell, where they ended up in a narrow corridor.


Atsushi continued on between Jun and Kyouka through the dim hallway, not sure exactly where they were heading. Or where they were at all, if he was honest. However, no matter how much he reminded himself there was safety in number, something ominous hung in the air. No one else seemed to notice, though, save for Kunikida. They shared a nervous glance. Something was off… but what?


He glanced back and forth between Kyouka and Jun, who only raised a brow at him. He shook his head and returned his gaze to the front, right over Dazai’s shoulder. They came to a right hand turn and took it, expecting to find something new, but it was still the same stretch of hallway. The only difference was a sound that at first Atsushi couldn’t place. A rumbling that reached his ears, low and continuous. It fluctuated in pitch slightly but was always there. There was something familiar about it… about that whole place. It was unsettling.


As they got closer to the end of the hallway, he realized that the sound was running water. So far underground that could only mean a pipeline or a sewer…


Finally reaching the end of the hall, they emerged into a tunnel with a sewer running through it. On the right side the tunnel continued, but on the left side sat a pile of rubble, likely from an explosion. It was impassable. Dazai stopped and checked his phone. “Chuuya’s gone this way,” he said, pointing to their right. After a bunch of nods were directed his way, he continued on, the group following. Well… most of the group.


Atsushi stopped when an iron grip latched onto the back of his arm. He whirled around, eyes widening at the sight of Kunikida, who’d completely drained of colour. It clicked. This was where they’d come to look for who they thought was Pushkin. Where that little girl had blown herself up in front of Kunikida. An image flashed before his eyes, the utter devastation that Kunikida held on his face after that mission. He’d been completely distraught and blaming himself.


Atsushi cursed inwardly, grabbing hold of Kunikida’s forearms as the man’s knees gave out. He did his best to lower him to the ground instead of letting him crash, the impact hopefully less painful than it would have otherwise been. He knelt down in front of Kunikida, searching his face. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head, staring at the ground. He called out to him, but Kunikida was far away. Off in his own thoughts. It had clearly been all he could do to grab Atsushi and stop him.


He turned to lance over his shoulder for the others, but he couldn’t see them anymore. Not only were they out of Jun’s illusion, but they’d likely been left behind. Damn.


Up ahead, the headset crackled in Dazai’s ear. Ranpo’s voice erupted out of it, sounding flustered. “Fuck.”


Dazai lifted a hand to the earpiece. “What’s wrong, Ranpo-san?”


“I forgot all about this. Check on Kunikida.”


“What?” he turned on his heel, brows shooting into his hairline. “Shit. This is where that girl blew up, isn’t it?”


“Oh fuck,” Yosano cursed, staring at Kunikida and Atsushi back down the tunnel. “It is.”


Both Dazai and Fukuzawa took off at a jog, the President reaching them first. He knelt down beside Atsushi, who had his hands on Kunikida’s shoulder, speaking to him softly as if trying to coax him out of that dark place.


“Doppo,” Fukuzawa tried, but there was no response. He watched as Atsushi spoke to him, likely telling him details about that day that showed it wasn’t his fault. He sighed. That probably wouldn’t work, it was Kunikida they were talking about. His sense of responsibility, especially when it came to children, could be his downfall. And this case, he’d found out after the fact, had hit him particularly hard.


Dazai knelt down on Atsushi’s other side, a hand resting on Kunikida’s back. He frowned when then man trembled beneath his touch. His breathing was no better, quick and shallow.


The rest of the group stood slightly back from them. At the front were Yosano and Junichiro, who both watched with concern. He’d never seen his mentor like this before. Upset, yes, but never like this. It was usually the other way around. When he was panicking, Kunikida was always the calm one. That had always been true, from training and first cases all the way up to more recent events. To see him vulnerable like that… it hurt. But it also made him uncomfortable. On the other hand, Yosano itched to got to him. To try and help. It was her instinct after all. But she stayed put with the rest of the group for Kunikida’s sake. Crowding him wasn’t going to help him at all.



Dazai sighed from where he knelt on the ground, watching Kunikida stare at the ground with empty eyes. “What… what do we do?”


“You go on without us,” said Fukuzawa. “I’ll stay here with him.”


“He’s my partner, I’m not going to just leave him here like this. He’d never do that to me.”






All three pairs of eyes turned to Kunikida, who still stared at the ground. His voice shook when he spoke, about as hard as he did. “I’ll be fine.”


Atsushi raised a brow. “Kunikida-san—”




“We’ll catch up once he’s calmed down,” assured Fukuzawa. “Go, Dazai. Chuuya is going to need you, remember.”


He took a deep breath. “Right. Let’s go, Atsushi-kun.”




Dazai checked his phone as he headed back to the front of the group. Chuuya was further ahead than he had been before, but he seemed to have stopped. As they walked, they got closer instead of staying the same distance away. He must’ve reached his target. That, or he was in trouble. Or both.


Silence enveloped the group as they continued on, the only noise the rocks skidding across the ground beneath their feet and the rushing of the water next to them. Five minutes passed before they reached another hallway, which they turned down, and then immediately down another one, getting closer and closer to Chuuya. Finally, as they turned left once more, Chuuya came into full view ahead of them.


He stood at the corner ahead of them, peering around it while a red glow enveloped his entire body. His fists were clenched at his sides and he brought them closer to his body the longer he watched whatever was in front of him. The group tiptoed forward, slightly o the side of Chuuya so they could see what he saw.


Directly around the corner sat an open door with two of Chuuya’s subordinates stationed outside the door. They were both armed but didn’t pay much attention, talking to each other instead of watching their surroundings. Dazai felt his heart drop into his stomach when he squinted to see what sat inside the room. There was a single bed, a cot on wheels, that sat front and centre. On the bed laid Mori, restrained and sedated.


Dazai swallowed hard, turning to look at the other people in the room. On Mori’s left sat four kids, two boys and two girls in their late teens by the looks of it. They faced the other wall, talking to someone Dazai couldn’t see.


He turned his attention to Chuuya, now shaking with anger. The glow around him was nearly opaque by that point, showing the intensity of his rage. Dazai had expected Chuuya to be angry, they did hurt his own after all. And it was a few of his subordinates. But the sheer rage emanating off of him.. what had got him so livid?


Then, out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement. And he understood. A young woman with long, pink hair entered their sightline and stepped out of the room. Chuuya raised onto the balls of his feet, like a cat ready to pounce.


Dazai lunged forwards and snatched Chuuya’s wrist at the last second, the red glow immediately disappearing. Chuuya whipped his head back and forth. “Dazai?” He saw nothing at first, until he looked down at his wrist, where half of a bandaged hand was visible. He narrowed his eyes. “Tanizaki? Drop the damn illusion.”


He found himself being pulled towards the empty space behind him by a tug on his wrist, and suddenly he was surrounded by flickering green walls and several other people. “No can do,” came the voice of the young boy, who stood behind Dazai, Higuchi, Yosano, and Kouyou. “If I drop the illusion it will ruin our chances.”


“Chances of what?”


“Of helping you,” said Dazai, taking his hand.


“Helping me?” He narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “I specifically told you guys not to follow me. I don’t want anybody else getting hurt, especially any of you!”


“It was my idea.” Dazai stepped in between Chuuya and the rest of the group. “I wanted to make sure you were safe and didn’t do anything stupid. This case is personal, and I could see you getting angry enough to.”


“I’m not stupid.”


“I know that. But it’s better safe than sorry, right? People do weird things when they’re hurt.”


Chuuya looked down, and then over his shoulder to where the woman with the pink hair spoke with one of the guards. He shook with the tension he held, rage glinting in his eyes.


“That’s Yuan, right?”




“Are you ging to kill her?”


“No.” He turned back to Dazai, seeming like he was mentally kicking himself. “I can’t bring myself to. Somehow.”


Dazai nodded, taking his other hand. “That’s why I brought who I did. They can fight to knock them out without killing them. Or harming them.”


Kyouka and Kouyou step up, along with Kunikida and Fukuzawa, who’d just returned. Chuuya nodded. “Got it.”


“I’m sorry about those two subordinates. That’s so shitty.”


He spoke through clenched teeth. “Kill them. Just fucking kill them. Shitty traitors.”


“Are you sure?” Kouyou asked. “That’s unlike you, Chuuya-kun.”


“They’re only going to cause more problems if we don’t.”




“Consider it done,” said Dazai. “Atsushi? Higuchi?” The two stepped up, Higuchi holding her gun and Atsushi with a single transformed arm. “So, Chuuya? You’reokay with our help?”


“Just… just do it.”


“Gotcha. Guards first.”


Higuchi needed only one bullet. The silencer made for an inconspicuous attack, the bullet placed directly between the eyes of the guard on the left. Atsushi took on the guard on the right, whizzing across the space in a bolt of blue light. He’d already slashed the guard’s throat before he knew he was being attacked. No one was the wiser. Uan had gone back into the room with the kids, and they still continued their conversation, unaware of the two dead guards mere feet from them.


Kunikida, Kyouka, Kouyou, and Fukuzawa were up next. They headed for the room, followed by Junichiro, Dazai, and Yosano, who were still disguised by Light Snow. They took the four kids while Yosano and Jun grabbed Mori’s bed. But there was still one problem—Yuan. She took a break for it, sprinting from the room. But Dazai, who’d stepped out of the illusion, stepped up and knocked her against the wall, pinning her there by the throat.


Her eyes widened as she choked for air, staring at him in confusion. He rolled his eyes. “You don’t remember me, do you?” She shook her head the best she could. “I’m Dazai. The one who brought Chuuya into the Port Mafia in the first place. I released your prisoners. I saved Chuuya when Shirase stabbed him.”


Alarm shone in her eyes as she struggled to speak against his hand. “You??”


He released her, pulling a knife from his belt and pressing holding it near her throat instead. He wasn’t so worried about her, she was unarmed. He just needed to distract her long enough for Jun and Yosano to retrieve Mori and then knock her out. But first…


“I thought you left the Port Mafia,” she spat.


“I did. I work for the Armed Detective Agency now.”


“So you and Chuuya aren’t partners anymore?” She rolled her eyes. “You’re just as bad.”


He chuckled. “You didn’t let me finish. Chuuya’s my boyfriend.”


She jerked her head back. “Chuuya’s gay? But he was with me! You’re bluffing!”


Dazai pushed his knife against her throat. “No, he wasn’t. Quit living in a fantasy world Yuan.”


She struggled to get away, realizing just who she’d pissed off, but his grip was too tight. Seething, she screamed at him, spitting in his face. “What the fuck do you want from me?”


“Quit messing with Chuuya or you’re gunna be messing with me. And I’m not someone you want to piss off, I promise you that.”


“And why’s that?”


“You don’t know who I am do you? You don’t know anything about me. I suggest, for your own sake, that you look into it.”


Yuan scoffed, rolling her eyes. “You don’t scare me. Besides, I have his precious boss here.”


“Sure you do.”




Dazai released her, taking a step back so that she could see into the room. She watched him sceptically, then rushed to the door, gasping when she saw what was inside. Not only were all of the kids on the floor, but Mori was gone. “You killed them?”


“No, no. We didn’t kill them. They’re only unconscious. For now.”


“For now?” She whirled around. “What do you mean for—”


Kunikida appeared out of thin air, his elbow pressing down on a pressure point in her shoulder.


She sank to the ground, still staring up at Dazai. “This isn’t over until I’m dead…”


“Thanks,” said Dazai, grinning at Kunikida, who nodded in response. “How’re you feeling now?”


“Better. Thanks.”


“Good.” He squeezed his partner’s shoulder and they headed back to the others. Ahead of them they could see Junichiro standing beside Mori’s bed. Yosano, however, seemed to be fussing over him, as did Atsushi.


As they approached, they could hear what they were saying. Jun pushed Yosano off, taking a sharp inhale. “I’m fine! Just give me a minute.” He half turned, but flinched when he saw Mori. “I’m fine.”




“I’m fine, Yosano. Please… Just give me a minute.”


Atsushi, noticing the source of his discomfort, gabbed his arm and led him away from Mori. They remained at the front as the group headed back the way they had come. He calmed down over the course of their walk, his colour having returned by the time they reached the end of the tunnel and turned back down the hallway they’d come from.


Halfway down the hall, Dazai turns to glance at Chuuya, who clenched his hand. “Say, how’d you get passed the guards at the stairwell? They weren’t hurt and they hadn’t alerted anybody.”


“Stairwell? What stairwell?”


“I told you,” sang Higuchi.


“Told you what?”


“How did you get down here?” Dazai asked, bewildered. Then, the headset crackled in his ear again, giving way to Ranpo’s voice. Judging by the crunching, he was eating chips again.


“There’s an elevator down from where you guys went down the stairs.”


“What? Why didn’t you tell us that before? And how do you know?”


“Katai just found the floor-plan a few minutes ago.”


“Well that would have been helpful an hour ago,” mumbled Kunikida.


Chuuya chuckled. “There were no guards. Either they didn’t know it was there or they figured it was broken. It wasn’t.”


Dazai shook his head with a laugh. “Fine. Then can we take that up?”




As Chuuya said, the elevator wasn’t broken. That, however, didn’t mean that it was particularly safe, either. It creaked and whined with their weight and Atsushi clung to the rail across the back, praying that they wouldn’t fall through the floor of the rickety old thing. Luckily for him, they didn’t. They made it back to the main floor with no issues.


“Think those guards will still be out, Dazai?” Kunikida asked.


“I don’t know… probably.”


“The gas Kajii made should keep them out for a few hours,” said Higuchi. “it was very strong stuff.”


“So Kajii was in on this too?”


Dazai grinned at Chuuya, squeezing his hand as they neared the exit. “Yep! And Ranpo.”


“Well I figured that much.”


“Oh, look, Chibi thought of something smart!”


“Shut up, you were all worried about me.”


Dazai fell silent at that, pulling Chuuya into a bone crushing hug as soon as they’d exited the building. Chuuya said nothing either, breathing deep against Dazai’s chest. They didn’t need to say anything to know what the other meant. They both knew.


By the time they reached the van, Mori was stirring ever so slightly. Noticing this, Yosano stepped up to the side of the bed and leant over a bit. Mori’s eyes opened and he blinked lazily up at Yosano, quirking his head to the side. That was all he managed to do before he fell back asleep, under the influence of a strong sedative.


It seemed to be enough for his connection with Elise, though, as the young girl appeared, floating over top of him before landing on her feet beside the cot. In a flash she returned to her normal form as a proper little girl and took the man’s hand, staring at him with worried eyes.


Kyouka stepped up next to her and took her hand. “Don’t worry, Elise. He’s alright.”


“Me? Worried about Rintarou? Hmph! No way.”


Kyouka gave her a look. “Elise.”


Her face softened. “He’ll really be alright?”


“Yep. He’ll be perfectly fine. Right Yosano-sensei?”


Yosano smiled down at Elise, running a hand over the top of her head. “Of course, hun.”


“Ready to go?” Kunikida called, half in the driver’s seat. A chorus of yesses erupted from the group. Elise piled into the van with Kyouka, taking hold of Mori’s hand again once they got him in the back. Finally, Dazai hopped into the passenger seat. Kunikida raised a brow. “Where’s Chuuya?”


“He’s gunna meet us at the Agency.”




Dazai shot him a look with a laugh. “How do you think he got here in the first place?”




Dazai laughed at him and shook his head. “You’re a little bit dumb, you know that.”


“You know what, Dazai?”




“Shut up.”

Chapter Text

Shivering against the cool concrete in the early morning air, Kyouka sat stock still with her head tilted back against the dorm’s outer-wall. Atsushi had checked on her twice already, and tried to convince her to go to bed at least three more times. He’d finally given up around 1 am, yawning while he waved goodnight and headed back upstairs. It was fruitless to keep trying to convince her when she’d made up her mind hours before hand. Kenji was due to be back about 2 am, and after the chaotic week they’d had, all she wanted was to see him.


One o’clock slowly turned into two as she waited outside his door in her pyjamas, phone lying face down on the ground beside her. It hadn’t made a sound in hours, but the nearby streets gave off a constant murmur in the background. With drooping eyelids, she watched the driveway for headlights, willing herself not to check the time. It would only make it go slower.


The soundtrack of the city began to lull her to sleep as it passed two and headed for three, her head dropping every few minutes. Again and again she’d force it back up and look for headlights. Soon, surely. He couldn’t be too much longer… right? Too much longer and she really would fall asleep. And that was the last thing she wanted.


Try as she might, her need for sleep continued to pull at her until she dozed off, head lolling to the side in a way that was sure to cramp her neck. It was a light sleep and she stirred at the slightest noises. At the sudden light that reddened the backs of her eyelids. The slamming of a car door. Flip flops on pavement. And then…




Her eyes flew open as she whipped her head up, scrambling to her feet and running to him. He dropped his bags at the sight of her sprinting towards him, immediately holding out his arms and wrapping her up in them.


“Kyouka, why are you still up?”


“I needed you,” she mumbled against his chest.


“Don’t tell me you waited out here for me all night?” She said nothing, just adjusted her head. “You did, didn’t you?”




He moved a hand up to rest in her hair and kissed her forehead. “Are you alright? Did something happen?”


“I’m okay.”


“Are you sure?”




Kenji pulled back to look at her. “Then what’s wrong?”


Blue eyes stared up at him. “Can we talk about this inside? I’m cold. Oh—only if you want to, of course.”


“Of course, I do. C’mon.”


Kyouka scooped up one of his bags and followed Kenji to the door, watching him struggle with the key for a second. He pushed it open and stepped inside, slipping off his shoes and heading to his room to set his bags down. Kyouka pushed the door closed behind her and took off her sandals, crossing the dorm towards the bedroom. Halfway there, she tripped on something—she wasn’t sure what in the dark—and tumbled to the ground with a yelp.  Kenji came running from the other room and switched on the lights.


“I’m so sorry, I was used to the dark!”


She shot him a questioning look from the floor as she rubbed her knee. “How do you not trip? Don’t you need a candle or something?”


“Nope! Once the candles are blown out for the night, I don’t relight them. It’s not hard to get around if you know the space, and my eyes are good in the dark anyway.”


“Now that’s a skill I wish I had,” she muttered, letting Kenji pull her back to her feet. She followed him to the couch and sat with her back to one arm, facing him, and crossed her legs.


“Okay, so what did I miss? What happened while I was away?”


“Well, the Port Mafia’s headquarters burned down.”



“Yeah. It got bombed.”


“Oh my God, is everybody okay?”


Kyouka cringed. “Getting there.”


“What’s that supposed to mean?”


“Well… there’s four of them in the infirmary right now.”


Kenji’s jaw dropped. “Four of them?”


“Well, it was originally three, but then we rescued Mori so now it’s four.”


“Rescued Mori? Woah woah woah, back up here, Kyouka, I don’t understand.”


“It happened on Wednesday,” she sighed. “A part of the building erupted in flames. Everyone got out okay. Well, they thought so, until, I think it was Kajii, told the group that Gin was trapped in a locker room.”


“So, how’d they get her out?”


“Gin and Ryuu went back in for her.”


“But his breathing—”


“I know. They all knew, but he didn’t care. It was his little sister. Anyway, they got her out, but all three of them are in the infirmary. Gin has a few broken bones and a needed oxygen and fluids. Ryuu needed treatment for smoke inhalation and Tachihara has a concussion.”


Kenji pushed  a piece of hair behind his ear, staring at the couch cushions. “Wow… that’s a lot.”


“That’s not all. The people responsible were Chuuya’s old organization, The Sheep. And some of his subordinates sided with them. They abducted Mori and it took us a few days to figure out how to get him.”


“When did you get him? Where was he? Is he alright?”


“He’s fine—they didn’t hurt him. Just sedated. We found him in Suribachi city yesterday afternoon. Well, two days ago now technically, I guess.”


“Don’t split hairs,” chuckled Kenji. “I know what you meant.”


“But yeah, so… I’m sure there’s stuff I’ve been forgetting but it was a lot to take on. I’ve barely been Yosano’s apprentice for long and that was kind of overwhelming. Especially when Gin didn’t wake up until the next day and Ryu was super out of it and upset.”


Kenji held his arms out again, straightening his legs. “C’mere.”


She obliged without another word—it had been what she’d wanted for days, after all. She settled down with her head on his chest and let out a long breathe. “Sorry to unload all of that on you right when you get back. I should’ve let you sleep first.”


She felt him shake his head. “I’d rather you tell me what’s wrong. I would’ve stayed up all night if that’s what you needed.”




They sat in silence for a few minutes, both caught up in their own thoughts. He played with Kyouka’s hair absently, working the situation over in his mind. “I can’t believe that happened. That’s terrible.”


“I feel really bad for Chuuya,” she whispered.


“Me too. He doesn’t deserve that. I mean, none of them did, but…”


“I know what you mean.”


“Yeah. Sorry, it’s like 3 am.”


“How about we sleep then?”


“That sounds good. If you’re okay?”


“I’m okay. I’m happy you’re here. I… I just missed you.”


“I missed you, too,” he chuckled. “But it was nice to see my folks and help me Mom settle in with the twins.”


“I’d love to hear all about it. But you should sleep, look, you’re falling asleep right now.”


He hummed a laugh and pulled her closer. “Yeah.”


“Shouldn’t we go to your actual bed?” Kyouka laughed.


“Too tired,” he mumbled. “Not enough energy…”


She shook her head with a fond smile, adjusting herself to lay down for sleep. “If you say so.”




“Go to sleep, dummy.” Though she teased him, she heard the smile in his hum, seeing it when she glanced up. He was perfectly content to hold her like that and she was more than happy to let him. It may have only been a week… but it had been a long week.


The two passed out right there on the couch, tangled up together. They wouldn’t wake until morning, tired but happy to be together.




Listen Up, Fuckers




Monday, 11:45 am




Shadowbanned: … what


Ginge: u good there buddy


EmoAsthmatic: no ur a good piece of ass


Thoushaltshutup: “RYUUUU” – Gin


EmoAsthmatic: sue me


ElectricBoogaloo: okay


EmoAsthmatic: no


ElectricBoogaloo: aw darn


Stopsignsgobrr: oh h*eck!


UpforStabs: Kenji no


Stopsignsgobrr: Kenji yes!


AngryChuuyaNoises: the first thing he says when he’s back. Of all things… he goes with h*eck


Stopsignsgobrr: fine


Stopsignsgobrr: Fuck


Stopsignsgobrr: is that better Chuuya?


AngryChuuyaNoises: …


AngryChuuyaNoises: yes


Stopsignsgobrr: -_-


Shadowbanned: 🤦🏻‍♀️


FuckityFuck: CHUUYA


AngryChuuyaNoises: WHAT


AngryChuuyaNoises: SUE ME


ElectricBoogaloo: okay


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO


ElectricChuuyaNoises: H*ECK >:(


Sugardaddy: ur on thin fucking ice


ElectricBoogaloo: >:)


Sugardaddy: okay thATS IT


Thoushaltshutup: “TAKE IT BACK” – Gin


ElecticBoogaloo: im covering for her


BabyMomma: you have issues


ElectricBoogaloo: this is only one of them


BabyMomma: but no


ElectricBoogaloo: what


BabyMomma: just no. don’t.


ElectricBoogaloo: don’t what




ElectricBoogaloo: I have no idea what you could possibly be referring to


Noticemesenpai: stop. Get some help.


ElectricBoogaloo: D:


Shithead: lol


GeronimoStilton: Dazai wtf


AngryChuuyaNoises: Dazai why the fuck


ElectricBoogaloo: Dazai fuck >:)


Sugardaddy: nO


Shadowbanned: oh lord


Ginge: I think he found atsushi’s weed. Ur gunna have to hide it better sushi




Ginge: geez so defensive


Ginge: sus


UpforStabs: super sus


Ithinknot: 100% sus


Stopsignagobrr: the most sus


NotmyNeko: I hate you all


Stopsignsgobrr: even me?


NotmyNeko: no not you


NotmyNeko: I think its like… physically impossible for somebody to dislike you


Stopsignsgobrr: lol yeah okay


NotmyNeko: wat


NotmyNeko: Anyway


NotmyNeko: guys


Noticemesenpai: what?




Ginge: yes we know this Atsushi


Ginge: but WHY are you a piece of lard




Ginge: and how does that make you feel?


GeronimoStilton: what the fuck


Notatanizaki: sorry he went to therapy yesterday


Ginge: that’s not why im just bullying him


NotmyNeko: keep it up and IM gunna need therapy


Ginge: u already do


NotmyNeko: shut up 😭


Ginge: 😂


FRICKINLEMONS: seriously you would think they hated each other


NotmyNeko: lmao yeah probably


Ginge: lollllll


Notatanizaki: until you see them actually talking seriously


NotmyNeko: shhhh don’t out us


Thoushaltshutup: Atsushi


NotmyNeko: I KNOW SHHH


Hermit: do u tho


Ginge: I think he knows a little TOO well


NotmyNeko: :(


Ginge: nooooo


Ginge: ill buy you Chazuke


NotmyNeko: okay :)


Ginge: u little bitch


NotmyNeko: 🤷‍♂️. 😂


FRICKINLEMONS: seriously tho


FuckityFuck: ur not wrong






Ginge: tell that to my ARM


HorrorWhore: you should know that he ran to the café and was still laughing


Ginge: bitch better bring me back a coffee


NotmyNeko: no make on yourself


Ginge: 🙄


EmoAsthmatic: …


UpforStabs: oh will you STOP





Noticemesenpai: I shouldnt laugh…


Shadowbanned: but u did


Noticemesenpai: yeah I did LOL


Shadowbanned: smh 🤦🏻‍♀️ 😂


FRICKINLEMONS: oi still wanna know why Atsushi said he was a piece of lard


NotmyNeko: b cim fucking stupid that’s why


AccidentallyDad: what have you done now


NotmyNeko: …


AccidentallyDad: what did you do Atsushi


NotmyNeko: I may or may not have accidentally shredded your case reports from this week…










AccidentallyDad: you WHAT


NotmyNeko: im sorry Kunikida-san T-T










Ginge: LMFAO








AccidentallyDad: fine then Jun can help u with redoing them


Ginge: WHAT


Shadowbanned: pfft


Noticemesenpai: karma’s a bitch bitch


UpforStabs: nah Kenji was laughing too


AccidentallyDad: he can help


UpforStabs: SNITCH




UpforStabs: to be fair so was Dazai!!


ElectricBoogaloo: HEY




NotmyNeko: Ryuu this is all your fault


AngryCHuuyaNoises: so it was about his dick—


AccidentallyDad: I FUCKING KNEW IT


EmoAsthmatic; HOW I WAS IN MY BED








UpforStabs: use your other head


Stopsignsgobrr: she said guys can only use one at a time






NotmyNeko: im so sorry Kunikida :(


AccidentallyDad: I forgive you


AccidentallyDad: no pull ur head out of ur testicles and get back to work


Stopsignsgobrr: u mean out of his wereballs


Noticemesenpai: I missed you kiddo


Stopsignsgobrr: :)


Ginge: his fucking wereballs just ruined my plans for tonight


Notatanizaki: oh? I don’t think they did


Ginge: 😳


NotmyNeko: 👀  👀


Shadowbanned: 👀  👀


Ginge: on second thought keep me as late as u want


NotmyNeko: no I think your punishment should come from Naomi


Ginge: oh no


Notatanizaki: oh yes ;)


Stopsignsgobrr: oh


Stopsignsgobrr: Kyouka can I stay at ur place tonight


Hermit: HAHAHA


UpforStabs: sure! U can tell me all about ur time at home!


Stopsignsgobrr: okie :)


UpforStabs: im at Uzumaki what do u want for lunch


NotmyNeko: soup


UpforStabs: shut up u were just here


NotmyNeko: :(


ElectricBoogaloo: Gin wants a blueberry muffin


UpforStabs: okay


EmoAsthmatic: fig tart?


UpforStabs: sure


UpforStabs: Kenji what do you want?


Stopsignsgobrr: tea please


UpforStabs: and for lunch?


Stopsignsgobrr: oh nothing thank you


UpforStabs: what do you want to eat Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: uh


Stopsignsgobrr: surprise me


UpforStabs: okay


Noticemesenpai: hey! Do you guys want to go to the beach later this week?


ElectricBoogaloo: im down lets go


AngryChuuyaNoises: hell yeah


Thoushaltshutup: these guys should be able to at least go out by then so I don’t see why not


Ginge: someone build a sandcastle with me


Stopsignsgobrr: Sand FORTRESS


Ginge: yES


Geronimostilton: what the fuck


Shadowbanned: u need a new phrase Ango


GeronimoStilton: shut up


Shadowbanned: hmmm I don’t like that one try something else


GeronimoStilton: 😒


Shadowbanned: :)


Ginge: Hey look KYOUKA bought me coffee


NotmyNeko: Kenji jump it on his lap


Ginge: nO


Stopsignsgobrr: maybe ill add my tea too


Ginge: what is wrong with you two T-T


Stopsignsgobrr: a lot


NotmyNeko: paybacks a bitch bitch


Ginge: ur a bitch


NotmyNeko: yeah


Ginge: ily


NotmyNeko: ilyt


GeronimoStilton: what the fuck


Shadowbanned: Ango-san please T-T

Chapter Text


Listen Up, Fuckers


Wednesday, 5:00 pm


FRICKINLEMONS: Stupidity doesn’t make any sense.


NotmyNeko: what?


Shadowbanned: then why do you exist


Thoushaltshutup: well no usually not but why


FRICKINLEMONS: no no I mean the whole concept of stupidity


Sugardaddy: what


GeronimoStilton: how


Accidentallydad: YOU don’t make any sense


Legallydad: no wait let him continue I’m intrigued


GeronimoStilton: oh! You’re awake!


Legallydad: I’ve been awake since late last night


Thoushaltshutup: the sedatives he’d been on were really strong


Ginge: didn’t he wake up that same day though?


Thoushaltshutup: only for a minute. It’s like after a surgery when you w


Thoushaltshutup: maybe I should use a different metaphor


Ginge: please


Legallydad: like when you wake up after having zero sleep and you just can’t stay awake


Ginge: ohhh


Ginge: gotcha


Thoushaltshutup: so yeah he’s been in and out a lot but last night he woke up and was up until… well now I guess


AngryChuuyaNoises: he did have like five cups of coffee


ElectricBoogaloo: he was hyper as fuck LMAO


Ginge: like Kenji after having coffee??


GeronimoStilton: like Kenji just in general??


UpforStabs: LOL do u not remember how dead he was when Emiko was here Jun??


UpforStabs: even after a few cups of coffee


Ginge: oh yeah LOL


Stopsignsgobrr: how did she have so much energy 😩


Legallydad: shes four…


Stopsignsgobrr: and im FOURteen on FOUR cups of coffee


Stopsigngobrr: what sur point??


AccidentallyDad: youll be fifteen in a few days though


Stopsignsgobrr: another year closer to dying


UpforStabs: …


Ginge: …


Legallydad: well THAT was surprisingly dark


Stopsignsgobrr: guys I was kidding


Stopssignsgobrr: KIDDING


NotmyNeko: Kyouka give him a hug


UpforStabs: okie


Accidentallydad: also Kenji


Accidentallydad: rumour has it that Kyouka and Dazai are planning a party for us during the day at the agency


ElectricBoogaloo: WHAT




Stopsignsgobrr: aw Ky that’s so sweet


UpforStabs: it was supposed to be a surprise T-T


Stopsignsgobrr: well im surprised! Don’t be sad come back here and let me hug you!




ElectricBoogaloo: wait…


AccidentallyDad: before u kill Chuuya it wasn’t him


AngryChuuyaNoises thank you I didn’t want to die today


ElectricBoogaloo: then who






Ginge: of fucking course it was


GeronimoStilton: 🤦🏽‍♂️


Legallydad: good job kid


NotmyNeko: IM SORRY T-T




ElectricBoogaloo: NO CAKE FOR YOU


AccidentallyDad: mmm cake


Noticemesenpai: why is he the one having pregnancy cravings and not Haruno


AccidentallyDad: she is SO much worse


BabyMomma: say that again I dare you


AccidentallyDad: no…


BabyMomma: now go get that jar of pickles


AccidentallyDad: yes dear


Bandades_and_Babes: whIPPED


Thoushaltshutup: TACHIHARA


Bandades_and_Babes: UGH




EmoAsthatic: bc somehow she’s not concussed




EmoAsthmatic: duh


NotmyNeko: 💔


EmoAsthmatic: what r u gunna do about furry boi


NotmyNeko: what is wrong w u T-T


AccidentallyDad: okay okay but back to the important question


AccidentallyDad: what flavour is the cake?


UpforStabs: undecided


ElectricBoogaloo: Kenji-kun what flavour of cake do u want?


Stopsignsgobrr: me?


ElectricBoogaloo: no your clone


Stopsignsgobrr: yikes I don’t wanna see my clone


Bandades_and_Babes: WHY NOT THAT WOULD BE SICK


Thoushaltshutup: TACHIHARA


Bandades_and_Babes: T-T


ElectricBoogaloo: yes you Kenji what flavour of cake would u want


Stopsignsgobrr: uh


Stopsignsgobrr: let me get back to you on that one


ElectricBoogaloo: dude it’s a simple question


Stopsignsgobrr: idk im not picky! Whatever Kunikida-san wants is fine with me! You guys really didn’t need to do this. A party, food, and a cake… its gunna be awful expensive isn’t it?


UpforStabs: not too bad! Its only gunna be the agency, just a small thing during work bc we’ll be going back to school real soon and need to get ready and everything


Stopsignsgobrr: if youre sure


ElectricBoogaloo: yeppers


UpforStabs: yup yup!


Stopsignsgobrr: 🙂


Legallydad: I still wanna know Kajii’s point about being stupid


GeronimoStilton: the point is that its stupid and needs to be dropped


Hermit: ^


Shadowbanned: Katai use ur own brain for once instead of mooching off of Ango’s


Hermit: but I don’t have oneeeeee


FRICKINLEMONS: which is exactly my point


Hermit: did he just call me stupid?


ElectricBoogaloo: no your clone


Hermit: oh


Stopsignsgobrr: stop it with the clones!


Bandades_and_Babes: okay but wait… if u fuck your clone is it masturbation or sex?


UpforStabs: technically both are sex you moron


UpforStabs: now get off ur phone before Yosano yells at you


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah yeah


Thoushaltshutup: TACHIHARA!!


UpforStabs: like that^^


Bandades_and_Babes: shit


ElectricBoogaloo: its sex duh! You’re having sex with a person who is separate from yourself!


Stopsignsgobrr: but the other person is still you its just sex w urself that’s literally what masturbation is


Noticemesenpai: look Yosano actually taught him something


Thoushaltshutup: 🖕


ElectricBoogaloo: okay but can you fuck yourself in the ass w ur own dick Kenji? Can you??


Stopsignsgobrr: I—


Stopsignsgobrr: how


Stopsignsgobrr: HOW




UpforStabs: lmao




ElectricBoogaloo: 😂


Ginge: u were the one who answered


Stopsignsgobrr: how about you go experiment with Naomi


Ginge: shes… not me…


Stopsignsgobrr: then go fuck yourself then


Ginge: u cant tell the fucking difference


Stopsignsgobrr: trust me yes I can


Ginge: O.O


Shadowbanned: OH?


Noticemesenpai: WHAT??


EmoAsthmatic: I AM CONCERNED




UpforStabs: then why hasn’t he put them to use


Stopsignsgobrr: KYOUKA




Stopsignsgobrr: are you tho 😒


Stopsignsgobrr: wait


Stopsignsgobrr: GIN!!


GremlinwaKnife: hey kiddo <3


Stopsignsgobrr: how are you??


Stopsignsgobrr: ive been out on missions I haven’t gotten to see you!


GremlinwaKnife: im doing better


Stopsignsgobrr: :)))))


NotmyNeko: im just gunna pretend I haven’t seen any of this conversation


Ginge: can everybody just like… forget what he said?


NotmyNeko: never


Ginge: fuck you


NotmyNeko: no he’ll be able to tell!


NotmyNeko: gotta keep our secret safe


Ginge: shit u right


EmoAsthmatic: ??????






Ginge: relax we’re just teasing u


Ithinknot: damit Atsushi better let the cat out of the bag for us thoo then huh


NotmyNeko: damn Lucy I guess so


AngryChuuyaNoises: I guess I should also come clean


ElectricBoogaloo: chibi


AngryChuuyaNoises: 😂


AngryChuuyaNoises: oh shit im in trouble now better hide


ElectricBoogaloo: get ur ass back here right now


AngryChuuyaNoises: nah


AccidentallyDad: are you TRYING to die


AngryChuuyaNoises: no actively no


Thoushaltshutup: yall need help


ElectricBoogaloo: Chuuya.


AngryChuuyaNoises: so possessive aren’t u


ElectricBoogaloo: u know Atsushi thinks ur hot


NotmyNeko: I have my own hot boyfriend


EmoAsthmatic: yeah!


EmoAsthmatic: wait


GremlinwaKnife: Hes BLUSHING AWWWW


NotmyNeko: good


ElectricBoogaloo: no one puts their hands on u but me


AngryChuuyaNoises: u know I was kidding to bug Ryuu


ElectricBoogaloo: and I need to really prove your mine then don’t I


AngryChuuyaNoises: meh


ElectricBoogaloo: Chuuya


AngryChuuyaNoises: I know what you want but youre gunna have to MAKE ME


Thoushaltshutup: ou spicy spicy


Noticemesenpai: umi think someone needs to restric Kenji and Kyoukas access to this


Ginge: this is R rated


AccidentallyDad: ew


Stopsignsgobrr: bc we haven’t seen/heard/done worse??


NotmyNeko: done??


Stopsignsgobrr: theyre only talking right now


NotmyNeko: one of these days Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: im not scared of u


NotmyNeko: ill find something u are scared of


NotmyNeko: or maybe ill just smoosh the cake in ur face im undecided


Stopsignsgobrr: kill two birds with one stone I guess


NotmyNeko: ahhhh frosting!!


Stopsignsgobrr: -_-






FuckityFuck: ah… young love


Shadowbanned: ur 26…


FuckityFuck: and lonely


Shadowbanned: aw wanna hangout?


FuckityFuck: sure dm me


Shadowbanned: okie


GeronimoStilton: huh… interesting


Sugardaddy: what?


GeronimoStilton: nothing nothing


GeronimoStilton: also quit ghosting the chat


Sugardaddy: I find it entertaining to watch Atsushi and Jun get bullied. Or bully each other. Or watch Tachihara get yelled at. Or watch Kenji be chaotic good. Or watch kajii get interrupted a million times.






Stopsignsgobrr: the fuck is a munchwad




Stopsignsgobrr: …


FRICKINLEMONS: do as I say not as I do


Stopsignsgobrr: well yeah I don’t wanna become a lemon wielding pyromaniac thanks




FuckityFuck: Kyouka u better keep him


UpforStabs: dw Im planning on it


GeronimoStilton: ur only 14 tho


Thoushaltshutup: SHUT UP ANGO


GeronimoStilton: ADBBIFB OKAY GEEZ




AccidentallyDad: omg okay WHAT


FRICKINLEMONS: stupidy makes no sense from a science perspective!


Legallydad: im listening


Thoushaltshutup: okay go on


FRICKINLEMONS: if u think about it, evolutionarily speaking it doesn’t make sense. U know Darwin’s theory of Evolution right?


Legallydad: yeah


Thoushaltshutup: yeah ofc


Stopsignsgobrr: no


FRICKINLEMONS: hush pipsqueak


Stopsignsgobrr: PIPSQUEAK??


Thoushaltshutup: shh honey the adults are talking


Stopsignsgobrr: im so getting you back for that


UpforStabs: no u wont


Stopsignsgobrr: no ur right I wont


FRICKINLEMONS: anyway Darwin’s theory of natural selection states that traits that are selected for are traits that increase the chances of survival or proliferation


Thoushaltshutup: hence stupidity wouldn’t be selected for…


Legallydad: because stupidity, with lack of intelligence around the organism, would decrease the odds of survival or finding a mate to pass on genes with… that’s interesting Kajii


Thoushaltshutup: so why are you still here then?




Thoushaltshutup: simply because it amuses me








Legallydad: oh yikes


Ginge: now who’s getting their asshole broken


NotmyNeko: not meeeee


EmoAsthmatic: sadly


NotmyNeko: u fucking sadist


Bandades_and_Babes: hes horny leave him alone




LegallyDad: oh god I didn’t want to see that




AccidentallyDad: oh geez


Stopsignsgobrr: tent pole?


Ginge: not it


UpforStabs: u know… blankets


Stopsignsgobrr: oh.


Noticemesenpai: shes done research and idk how I feel about that


Ithinknot: u don’t wanna know what I know okay trust me


NotmyNeko: the more she talks the more concerned I get


Noticemesenpai: Kyouka or Lucy?


NotmyNeko: yes


Noticemesenpai: O.o


FuckityFuck: sounds like when Kajii says anything


Thoushaltshutup: ^^




FuckityFuck: duh


Shadowbanned: theyre not wrong




AccidentallyDad: all of us buddy


GeronimoStilton: yep


HorrorWhore: literally all of us


GremlinwaKnife: even tachi


Bandades_and_Babes: u can be slightly concerning




Bandades_and_Babes: that’s fair


Shadowbanned: 🤦🏻‍♀️


Thoushaltshutup: Tachihara.


Bandades_and_Babes: has anybody else ever noticed how terrifying she can be? Esp when shes quiet…


Ginge: yes


Bandades_and_Babes: not you!


Ginge: well I have!


Bandades_and_Babes: u don’t count


Ginge: I know 😢


Bandades_and_Babes: fuck sorry man that’s not what I meant!


Ginge: im just fucking with you LOL


Bandades_and_Babes: cmon man fuck you


Ginge: u wish


BabyMomma: r u sure hes straight Naomi


Notatanizaki: ive told you before that im not lol


Ginge: NAOMI T-T


GremlinwaKnife: well Tachi liked me when he thought I was a dude so…


Noticemesenpai: bi icon


Bandades_and_Babes: guchi :(


Noticemesenpai: look me in the eyes and tell me that im wrong


Bandades_and_Babes: I would but I don’t wanna hear Chuuya getting fucked into oblivion


Noticemesenpai: pretty sure hes gone into subdrop at this point


NotmyNeko: could’ve been tears of pleasure for all u know!


Noticemesenpai: trust me it wasn’t


NotmyNeko: now im worried


Noticemesenpai: he’ll be fine chill


NotmyNeko: well don’t fucking hurt him Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: hes fine dw


Noticemesenpai: okay then its fine tachi come look me in the fucking eyes and tell me that youre not a bisexual icon ill wait


GremlinwaKnife: ur gunna be waiting for an awful long time


Noticemesenpai: whys that?


GremlinwaKnife: bc Yosnao took his phone LMAOOO


Noticemesenpai: 🤦🏻‍♀️






Magenta eyes glanced up and across the room, searching for the only person who would call her that. The man had pulled back the curtain and looked right at her, hair falling in his face.


“Yes? Do you want more tea?”


He chuckled, looking down. “No, no, I still haven’t finished this cup.”


“Then what is it?”


“I wondered if I could talk to you for a minute? Please?”


She narrowed her eyes at him, scepticism running through her. “I suppose so.” Yosano rose from her seat, leaving her clipboard and pen where they were on the desk. The rest of the infirmary was lively, Tachihara and Gin chatting with animated faces and gestures while Akutagawa added in his thoughts now and then, mainly focusing on his facetime with Atsushi.


Yosano pulled the stool from the end of his bed around to the side. “What did you want to talk about?”


“Would you mind closing the curtain? This is… more of a private conversation I’ve been meaning to have with you for a while.


She raised a brow but did as he asked anyway. “Alright… Now what do you want?”


He looked away from her, staring at the white bedsheets. After a long, silent sigh, he began. “I want to apologize to you. For everything I did when you were a young girl. I am… so sorry.”


Yosano stiffened. Even though she knew he and Dazai had had a similar conversation not too long before, she still wasn’t expecting an apology from him. She didn’t even know if she necessarily wanted one. They’d been around each other so much that she’d mostly made peace with it… did she really want to let him dredge this up? “Mori, you don’t need to do this. We’re… we’re passed this.”


“But I’m not.”




The look in his eyes was so sincere that it startled her. “I’m not passed this. I’ve been struggling with this a lot. Despite what you think, or what a lot of people probably do, I’m not heartless. I feel guilt, too. Guilt. Remorse. Shame. All of it.”


“What’s your point then? Tell me what you have to say, don’t beat around the bush.”


“I am ashamed for how I acted back then. You were like a daughter to me, and I was so proud of you. Not only did you have such a strong and rare ability, but you were headstrong and capable. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard and so strong. I should have respected your choice to back out when you wanted to.”


“Thank you.”


“After Tachihara-kun died… I saw what that did to you, and yet I did nothing to help. And I’m sorry for that as well. I let you sit on your own in a psych ward. And I just can’t forgive myself for that. I won’t go blaming the head of the military for pushing me because you were just a child. And I should have protected you. I am, truly, so so sorry, Akiko.”


Yosano stared at him, searching his face for insincerity. When she found none she looked away, letting her hair fall in her face to hide the tears that welled in her eyes. Five minutes ago, she hadn’t even wanted an apology. Why now was she on the verge of tears? “I accept your apology.”


Mori relaxed considerably, his shoulders dropping back and jaw unclenching. He let out a breath. “Thank you for letting me say that. I’ve been needing to get that off my chest for a while now. And I could have died… I didn’t want to die without you knowing that. I understand if you never forgive me. But I needed to say it.”


Yosano fought the tears back, keeping her head down while she picked at a fluff on her shirt. “I forgive you.”


It was Mori’s turn to look shocked. “You do?”


“Mhmm. Well… I’m working on it.”


“Well… thank you. That’s more than I could ever ask for. To get forgiveness from both you and Dazai-kun.”


“Yes, well…”


“You don’t need to say anything else.”


“Thank you…”


Through the tears, she glanced up at Mori, who’s face morphed into sadness. He held his arms out and she surprised herself by leaning forward and hugging him.


“I’m so sorry.”


She nodded but said nothing. Was this really all she had wanted this whole time? An apology? She supposed so. Her parents had died when she’d been very young and so for the time she was with him Mori had been a sort of father figure to her. And all had been fine until the end of her time there…


It was a shocking realization to say the least. That all she wanted was to know he didn’t want to use her as a weapon or a tool. That, even now, he still cared about her. Even just a little bit. It stirred something deep within her that she hadn’t known was there. Something that had been deeply buried in her subconscious. Regardless of where it had been hiding, it was a relief to hear those words from Mori. And she meant what she said, she was working on forgiving him. She would eventually. One day. One day they’d be okay again. She knew they would.


But for now, this was enough.

Chapter Text

Thursday, 10:30 am


“Ten-thirty is way too early to be at the beach,” Dazai yawned, undoing his seatbelt.


“Remind me why you rode with me instead of with Chuuya?” Kunikida sighed, glaring at his partner in the passenger seat.


“Because Chuuya was gunna drive Kouyou, Mori, Elise, and Hirotsu.”




Ranpo laughed from where he stood outside the passenger-side back door with Poe. “And he doesn’t trust you to drive.”




“You can’t be that bad,” said Haruno, beside him.


“Oh, trust me,” said Kunikida, grabbing his bag. “He is that bad.”


Haruno cringed, slinging her tote bag over her shoulder and grabbing her parasol. “Remind me to never get in a car with him.”




“I don’t want that to be how I die, thanks.”


Dazai rolled his eyes. “In an emergency it would be fine.”


“I think he would be the emergency,” Poe whispered to Ranpo, who snorted.


“Where’s the others?” Kunikida asked, glancing around the parking lot. “I thought Junichiro was right behind us.”


“Stopped at a red light you nearly ran,” said Ranpo.


“And you call me a bad driver.”


“You are a bad driver!”


“Agree to disagree.”


“No, absolutely not.”


“Hey,” said Poe, looking in the other direction. “There they are.”


Sure enough, an older SUV passed them and turned into the next spot over from Kunikida. Dazai waved back at Atsushi and Kenji who waved from the passenger side windows and made a funny face. Kunikida only raised a brow at him before shaking his head and turning to lock the car.


Six people piled out of the car, all dressed and ready for the beach. Atsushi hopped out of the passenger seat with his bag and greeted them, specifically Dazai. Dazai ruffled his hair. “All ready to get murdered by a frisbee?”


Atsushi backed up a step and squinted at him. “I don’t think I like how you ruffled my hair and then threatened me.”


“It’s the opposite of a love punch!” Jun called, punching his arm as he walked up. “Threatening affection!”


“Ouch! I don’t like either of those.”


Jun punched him again. “C’mon yes you do. Love punch. Love punch. Love punch!”


“Stop punching me!”


The redhead snickered as Naomi and Kenji eyed the from the car, Kenji on the passenger side and Naomi through both open doors from the other side, where she tried to help Lucy out. Jun only stuck his tongue out at Kenji, who shook his head and helped Kyouka out of the back.  It was a small space to squeeze through in such a small vehicle.


Dazai laughed. “Hey Kyouka, how come you got stuck in the very back?”


“Junichiro made me because he’s an abominable coathanger.”


“I’m a… I’m a what now?”


“An abominable coat hanger.”


“Why’d he make you sit back there?”


“Because last time she wouldn’t stop poking me,” he said before Kyouka could answer. “So if that makes me an abominable snowman then so be it!”






“Are you guys ready to go?” Kunikida asked, tapping his foot.


“Why so anxious, we’re already here.”


He turned to Haruno. “Because I want to be able to save a spot I the beach house there, so we have somewhere to keep out of the sun and keep our stuff. And so Gin doesn’t have to try and manoeuvre through the sand when she gets here.”


“Fair point. Let’s go then.”


A chorus of agreement echoed through the group and they headed for the beach-houses about 500m away. Sneakers kicked pavement, the wheels of a cooler bumped along the uneven ground and flipflops smacked against the bottoms of bare feet. There was an air of excitement about the group. Both for the fun to come in the following hours and in anticipation for the rest of their friends getting there.


Even at ten-thirty, the beach was already fairly busy. However, luckily for them, Kunikida was able to snag a spot in the beach-house furthest from them. The few other people who’d taken a spot paid them no mind as they dropped their bags onto picnic benches and opened them up, chatting amongst themselves. Bottles of sunscreen spluttered their remains while other cans sprayed, a ball bounced on the ground, sunglasses and hats were routinely dropped before being put on. The volume rose steadily while everyone was in there, and then dropped as people started to leave the shade for the heat of the sand and the sun.


Kenji chased Kyouka when she stole his hat, chasing her in circles around where Fukuzawa (who’d driven himself and Katai there) was setting up a couple of chairs with Ranpo. Well, Ranpo more watched and took the first chair, but he still claimed that he was helping. Kunikida had also run out onto the sand with Dazai, but that was because Dazai had tagged him “it” and Kunikida wasn’t having it. But instead of tagging him like a normal person, he hit the man square in the face with a plastic frisbee. Not on purpose, of course—he’d only meant to hit him in the stomach.


“His aim is terrible,” Atsushi laughed, rubbing in the last of his sunscreen. “Don’t you think so Jun?”




Atsushi furrowed his brows, turning to the boy beside him as he wondered why his tone changed. He sighed when he saw Jun staring down at his exposed arms and then press them closer to his body, biting his bottom lip. “Jun?”


“Hmm? Oh, I just…”


“Don’t want them all to see your scars?”


He opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it again and turned back to the table, rifling around inside his bag. Out came a sleeve of his red sweater and Atsushi grabbed his arm to stop him.


“Don’t put that on, you’ll overheat. It’s like thirty degrees.”


Hazel eyes glanced up at him, dejected. “Then what am I supposed to do?”




“But… they’re so obvious.”


“So what? Who cares? No one here is going to judge you, you know that.”


“But what about people who don’t know me?”


Atsuhsi sighed. “Okay, look. I know this sounds rich coming from me… but why do you care what they think?”


“I…” He stopped, searching the ground. “I don’t know. It just, it feels like it matters.”


“What would you think if you saw my scars on my stomach from the hot poker? If you didn’t know me.”


“If I noticed it, probably that something happened. But it wouldn’t be a big thing.”


“What about the scars Higuchi has on the side of her right leg?”


“Same thing, probably. I mean they look old, so I’d probably just assume something happened when she was a kid. Fell of her bike or something.”


“So what’s the difference with you?”


Jun dropped his gaze. “The difference is that mine are self-inflicted. And these ones…” He pointed to the two long ones down the centre of both wrists. “It’s obvious that I tried to kill myself.”


“Okay, so what? If you saw Dazai walking around without his bandages, what would you think of his scars?”


“But Dazai is wearing his bandages.”


“That’s not the point.”


Jun shrugged. “I wouldn’t really think much of it. Other than he must have been in a lot of pain to want to do that to himself.”


“So I ask you again… what’s the difference?”


Junichiro put the sweater back into his bag. “I guess there isn’t any.”


“I’m sorry if you felt like I was dismissing you, I was just trying to make you feel less self-concious.”


“No, no, I get that. And I still feel self-conscious about it, but you’re right.”


“Right about what?” Naomi asked, coming back from the washroom with Lucy.


“That I shouldn’t be worried about people seeing my scars.”


“No, you shouldn’t,” she said, slipping her arms around his waist. She rested her head against the inside of his shoulder. “No one will say anything.”


“And if they do, I’ll fight them,” said Atsushi.


Lucy rolled her eyes. “Calm down, feral kitty.”




Naomi looked up at her boyfriend. “Please don’t be ashamed of your scars, Juni. Think of them like a tattoo.”


“How are they like a tattoo?”


“How are scars like a tattoo? Because they tell a story. And like a lot of stories, this one hasn’t yet come to an end.”


“Because I didn’t…”


“No. Because you’re still fighting and healing.”


“The tattoos on someone else tell a story until the day that person dies,” said Atsushi. “It might not be battling against yourself, but it’s still a story.”


“But some tattoos are meaningless,” Jun said, looking away. “Or they were a mistake. Like these…”


“That doesn’t mean they don’t tell a story,” Naomi assured him.


Atsushi nodded. “A good story, a funny story, or a sad story, they’re all still stories. So tell yours.”


Jun swallowed hard. “Okay… Okay. I will.”


“Good,” said Naomi, standing on her tiptoes to peck his cheek.


“You know what?” Atsushi pulled off his shirt. “I’ll tell mine, too.”


“Me too,” said Lucy, rolling up her sleeves to show the burns on her upper arm.


“I will as well,” said Kyouka, who’d come back in the shade with Kenji to put his hat down. She rolled the waistband of her skirt down a bit, showing a nasty looking scar on her left hip.


“What’s your story?” Naomi asked.


“During a soccer game, a girl took me down, studs-up. The coach had to carry me off after that. I bled a lot and there was some muscle damage from the impact.”


Atsushi cringed. “Sounds like a physical game.”


“Whoever told you girl’s soccer isn’t physical is straight up lying to you. Our keeper used to get cleated in the face nearly every game.”


“Geez,” Jun hissed. Lucy and Naomi brought a hand to their faces with a pained look.


Kenji watched from where he put his hat down inside his bag, hoping it wouldn’t blow away. He smoothed his hands down over his shorts as he looked over all of their scars. How could he ever tell his story that way when he couldn’t even say it out loud? Or to anyone at all for that matter. How could they be okay with showing their pain to others?






“Hmm, what do you think of this one, Kyouka?”


She glanced over at Atsushi, ponytail falling back over her shoulder. “Ou, that one’s pretty.”


“Come take a closer look at it. There’s some flecks of blue and orange in it.”


“Let me see, let me see!”


Over a bit from them sat Kenji and Junichiro, who seemed a bit too amused by the progress of their sandcastle. Both of them were completely covered in sand, laughing as they tried to build it up as much as they could.


“Higher!” Kenji cried. “It’s gotta be higher!”


“Why?” Jun laughed. “It’s already a foot tall.”


“It’s a sand fortress! Not a sand house!”


“I think it’s actually a sand castle,” quipped Ranpo, who sat nearby.


“Shut up, Ranpo,” both Kenji and Junichiro said in unison.


Beside Ranpo, Fukuzawa chuckled. “Let them have their fun. They are still kids.”


“So am I!”


“You’re 26 years old.”


“Yes, a 26-year-old child.”


Fukuzawa shook his head. “What am I going to do with you?”


“Put up with me.”


“So far, I’m not satisfied with my subscription.”


Ranpo kicked sand at him. “Rude!”


“That’s in my drink.”


Across the beach, closer to the water, were Dazai and Kunikida. They’d actually continued to play frisbee after Dazai got hit in the face. The two seemed to rather enjoy it, talking and laughing while they sank into the sand and kicked it around. Kunikida got more into it than Dazai, however, judging by the way he dove to catch the frisbee and nearly landed on his head on a patch of firmly packed sand. Kunikida might not have enjoyed it, but Dazai sure did. Although, that just earned him another frisbee to the face.


Lucy went with Naomi and Haruno to lay out in the sun on a large blanket, sipping through magazines and sipping on ramune. On the other end of their strangely large blanket sat Poe and Katai, who were discussing something technological for a book Poe was writing. He nodded repeatedly, muttering to himself in English and then asking a question in Japanese, completely emersed. There was a bit of miscommunication, leaving Katai laughing at a brutal mispronunciation and Poe dumbstruck by thinking Katai had said he would be using a Prague, instead of puragu, the Japanese word for a wall socket or a plug.


Kunikida, facing the parking lot as he threw the frisbee too far over Dazai’s head accidentally-on-purpose, saw Yosano as soon as she arrived. She waved to him with a smile, waiting for someone to come around the side of the car. Not a moment later, Tachihara came into view, pushing Gin in a wheelchair. She looked less than enthralled, blowing air out her cheeks as she stared down at the cast that secured her foot all the way up to her mid-thigh. Kunikida turned his attention to the arm on her opposite side, which was in a sling, and cringed. She’d sure gotten beaten up last week. Luckily for her, Yosano had been able to set the bone properly and put a rod in her leg to ensure she wouldn’t break it again.  


The three of them, plus Akutagawa, Mori, and Elise, made their way towards the beach-house that Kunikida pointed to. It was only eleven-thirty, so there should still be room.


He was distracted by a frisbee hitting him in the face. “Gah!” After checking his nose for blood, which there wasn’t, he shot a glare at Dazai. “What the hell?”


“Not cool.”


“You needed some exercise.”


Dazai shook his head. “Wanna see me do it again?”


“You don’t have the frisbee, dumbass.”


“I don’t need it.”


Kunikida’s eyes widened, but softened again quickly once Dazai became distracted by someone behind him.


“You are wearing sunscreen, right, Osamu?”


Dazai’s face lit up immediately. “Chibi’s here.”


“You just saw me this morning,” he chided, but he was smiling.




“You are wearing sunscreen though, right?”


“Why do I need sunscreen when I’m not showing any skin?”


Chuuya gave him a look. “Is there skin on your face?”


“Nope! All bone.”


Kunikida put his face in his hands. “You’re such a moron.”




By the time lunch came around in the mid-afternoon, everyone had arrived and was enjoying themselves. Ango and Chuuya had joined the frisbee game, Tsujimura had joined the girls on the blanket with their magazines, Tachi got Gin laughing letting record him doing stupid tiktoks… it was a blast.


Knowing the food from the restaurants at the beach would be expensive, Kunikida had arranged for one to be brought over. Chuuya and Mori spent a good chunk of time grilling for everyone while Elise skipped around handing out cold drinks. Once again, the volume in the small beach-house rose exponentially while they were there—not that any of them really cared. Not many people had come that far along the beach to the shade, although, that could have been because they wanted nothing to do with a bunch of rowdy young adults. Not that they all minded that. More room for them as far as they were concerned.


“This beef is so good,” Higuchi groaned, tilting her head back. “Ango, you have to try it.”


“I’ve already eaten mine.”


“Well, have more, it’s so good.”


Tsujimura laughed. “I think he might explode if he eats any more of that beef.”


“Coward,” said Kouyou, across from her. “Eat more.”


“That’s so rude,” Ango gasped.


“Moreeeee.” Higuchi pushed another couple pieces of beef towards him and he backed away.


“I—Ich—Ichiyou stop, stop! I don’t want any m—”


“I think you lost that battle lad,” chuckled Kouyou.


He side-eyed her while he chewed his beef. “Screw off.”


“Sorry, I’m into ladies.”


“Screw someone else then.”


Tsujimura quirked her head, laughing. “How do you know she’s not.”


“I don’t.”




“Ichiyou, no!”


“Shut up, Higuchi.”


Her jaw dropped and she looked down the table at Akutagawa. “Rude! How about you eat it! Put on some meat!”


“I have enough, thanks.”


“See,” said Tachihara. “Ow, that’s hot meat, Higuchi!”


Gin snickered. “Do it again.”




Higuchi grabbed another piece of meat and aimed it at Tachihara. He held his hands up. “No! No no no. No.”


“Do it!” Elise screamed from down the table.


Higuchi shot the meat. Tachihara caught it in his mouth and smirked. Higuchi raised her brows and waited, and then Tachi’s eyes widened. “Hot,” he spluttered. “Hot hot hot, ow ow ow!”


“You’re the one who said it was hot meat.”


He cringed as he swallowed it. “I don’t like hot meat.”


“Are you sure about that?” Gin asked, stirring her smoothie.


“Fuck you.”


“Sorry, I’m a little out of sorts.”


He shook his head. “Do you ever stop?”


“No,” answered Hirotsu as he walked by.


“I didn’t ask you!” Gin called back. Hirotsu only flipped her off over his shoulder.


“I’m going to get some more,” Higuchi announced, standing from the table. “Anybody want anything?”


The group immediately around her pondered for a minute. “Can you grab me another piece of grilled chicken?” Gin asked.


“I’m not cutting it for you.”


“So rude, Michi,” she pouted. Gin looked down at her injured arm dramatically, then looked up at him with pouty eyes. He shook his head and she frowned, then scooted closer to him in her chair as much as she could and gave him puppy eyes. He shook his head again, but the corners of his mouth twitched. “Pleaseeeee.”


“No. Stab it and eat it whole like a caveman.”


She swatted him with her good arm. “Hey!”




“Love punch!” Jun screamed from down the table, then punched Atsushi.


“Fuck, stop that!”


“Love punch!” Kenji screamed, which was then followed by a loud thwack and Jun’s back hitting the ground. “Whoops.”


“Kenji!” Kunikida chided. “You have superhuman strength, be careful!”


“It’s the onsen all over again,” Jun muttered as he got up.


Higuchi turned back to Gin. “I’ll cut your chicken for you. Do you still want some?”


“Yes please.” She grinned, which then turned to a frown as she turned to Tachi. “See. Somebody loves me.”


“You’re oblivious,” sighed Hirotsu, on his way back to his seat.


“Not oblivious,” said Kouyou.


“In denial,” finished Tsujimura.


Gin glared at them both. “I’m right here, you know?”


“Then grow a pair a go out with the man. It might teach Ango something, too.”


“Hey! I have balls thank you very much?”


“Are you sure about that?”


“Yes! Tell them, Ichiyou!”


Higuchi shrugged, then leaned closer to Tsujimura. “Raisins.”


She burst out laughing, leaning against Ango, who shoved her off, air in his cheeks.


“For the last time,” said Higuchi. “Does anyone want anything?”


“W-water,” choked Tsujimura.


“Ramune?” Tachihara asked.


“None for you, you twat.”




“Ango, do you want more beef?”


He gave her a look. “No. I don’t want more beef. Give mine to Kenji, since he clearly hasn’t eaten yet.”


She rolled her eyes and walked away. Gin laughed at Ango’s comment. “Jun got some good air time.”


“I think he might need a stunt double,” Kouyou joked, picking up her own piece of chicken with some grilled vegetables.


“Don’t we all,” said Tachi.


“Not me! I’ll do all my own stunts and live to tell the tale!”


“Gin you’re literally in a wheelchair.”


“All of them.”


“You almost died.”


“All. Of. Them.”


Tachi gave her an incredulous stare while the rest of the group laughed. She only bounced happily in her seat as she sipped at her smoothie, doing the “I have food” jig. He watched her drink it, eyes closed and swaying, hair falling around her shoulders and down her back as she moved. She was battered and bruised. Two casts and sling, a black eye and a couple broken rips, and yet she was still happy to just be there with them all. All of the pain she endured, all of the marks on her body, and yet she still didn’t look bad.


She still looked absolutely beautiful to him, just as she always did.


A hand slammed down on the table. “MORE BEEF!”


“No, Ichiyou!”

Chapter Text

“Ryu, are you coming?”


Grey eyes turned up to Atsushi, who’d half-turned toward him with his bag slung over his shoulder. “Why would I change if I’m not going in the water?”


“Because you are going in the water.”


“I am not. Remember what happened last time?”


“Last time was off of a boat zipping across the water,” Junichiro pointed out, walking up beside Atsushi.


“Besides, the water is super shallow over here,” said Gin. “You’ll be fine.”


“Everyone else is going in,” Atsushi said. “Even Dazai-san, look!”


Dazai exited the changerooms off to the side of the beach house in trunks alongside Chuuya and Katai, using animated gestures as he spoke. Akutagawa sighed. “I don’t know…”


“Listen.” A hand came down on his shoulder—Hirotsu. “If you go, I’ll go.”


“I don’t even have a bathing suit with me.”


“Well lucky for you, I do,” Gin sang, reaching into the bag hanging off her wheelchair. “Hirotsu-san went to the store and got it for me because you are oh-so-predictable.”


“That really wasn’t necessary.”


“Well, I bought it, so now you have to go,” stated Hirotsu matter-of-factly.


Akutagawa groaned, tilting his head back and holding out one hand to his sister. “Fine. Give me the trunks.” A pair was placed in his open palm and he grasped it, startled by the abrupt laughter from Atsushi and Junichiro. Eyes widening, he glanced down at the trunks and nearly dropped them in horror. “What in the hell are these?”




“They have watermelons and flamingos on them!”


“They’re still trunks.”


“Stop laughing Gin! I know you put Hirotsu up to getting the ugliest trunks he could find! How much did you pay him?”


“I didn’t!”


“500 yen.”




Gin cackled with her head tilted back, enjoying her brother’s misery. “If you’d brought your own you wouldn’t have to wear them!”


“I can’t believe y—Atsushi, did you just take a picture?”




“You are so gunna pay for this!”


Akutagawa took off towards the changing room after his boyfriend, leaving Gin to laugh to herself as she watched. Junichiro and Hirotsu followed the pair as well, talking about what other awful pairs Hirotsu had managed to find. Apparently, it was a tie between that pair and a pair with these atrocious looking sunglasses all over them.


Nearby, a few of the girls filed out of the changing room. Yosano, Tsujimura, and Kouyou headed for the sand with their towels and sunglasses, while Haruno made to follow and then stopped before she even made it out of the beach house. She glanced down at herself with a frown, resting her hands on her lower stomach just above the waistband of her bathing suit. A line creased her brow as the frown turned into a scowl.


“What’s the matter, Kirako?”


She answered Kunikida without even looking up. “Maybe I should have bought a one-piece.”


“How come?”


“I look awful.”


A sad smile graced Kunikida’s face as he circled around behind her and slipped his arms around her waist. “You look beautiful as always.”


“But my stomach—”


“You’re not even showing yet, darling.”


“Not really, no, but I’m bloated and I don’t know… I just feel chubby.”


“So what if there’s a tiny bit of chub there? You’re still gorgeous. And that’s our baby in there.” She could hear the smile in his voice as he rested his hands on her stomach. “And I for one think you look perfect in that bikini.”


Her face flushed and she tilted her head away. “Stop, you’re too sweet…”


Kunikida spun her around and pulled her closer, arms around her waist. “Only because it’s true.”


Their kiss was tender and sweet, the perfect small moment to reassure her. When she pulled away, Haruno beamed up at him. “I’m going to lay out in the sand with a few of the other girls.”




“You bet. Don’t you see the streaks from where Naomi failed to not put on too much?”


He chuckled. “I do now.”


“I’ll see you in a bit.”


“Have fun.”




“Ichiyou come on!”


“I’m coming,” she laughed as Ango tugged her along, kicking the small waves as she went. “Quit pulling me before I runover something sharp!”


“Fine, fine.”


“What are we doing? You said you had a surprise for me?”


He nodded, pointing about ten metres away from them at Kajii and Tachihara. The two held boogie boards for themselves and kept two extra at bay in front of them. A smile lit up her face and she jogged over to them (as fast as you can jog in water).


“Tachi, I thought you were staying with Gin?”


“She said she’d kick my ass if I didn’t go have some fun.”




“But I was having fun!”


Kajii rolled his eyes. “Whatever, let’s go out further.”


Tachi smacked him. “Fine. Here, Ango, Guchi.”


She turned and smiled at Ango. “I mentioned I liked this like… a month and a half ago.”


He shrugged. “So? I remember small things like that.”


Higuchi swatted him, then took hold of her board and laid her torso on it. As a wave came towards her she pushed forward and lifted her feet, letting the wave take hold of the board beneath her and carry her back a bit before she started to paddle with her arms. She took off after Tachi and Kajii, Ango quickly coming up beside her and splashing her. She took that as an opportunity to shove him off into the coming wave and watched him tumble back, leaving his board bobbing beside her.




“Ryuuuu come on!”


“That’s too far, Atsushi.”


“It’s only up to my waist!”


“You’re lucky you got me in to my ankles!”


Atsushi shot him a look with his head quirked. “It’s not going to hurt you. Plus, you still have clothes on.”


“Yeah, Atsushi,” Kyouka stated. “Say that louder.”


“Shut it.”


“This isn’t going to work,” said Jun, who stood with Kyouka and Kenji a few metres away.


“Yes it will!”


“No it won’t.”


Atsushi puffed his cheeks out. “Will you feel better if you have a shirt on like Kenji?”


“It’s not about the clothes!”


Atsushi paused, turning to glance at the blond boy over his shoulder. “Kenji, why are you wearing a shirt anyway?”


“He doesn’t want sunburned nipples,” joked Jun.



“That’s not why!”


“Dude, quit hitting me! You’re too strong!”


“Make me.”


Kyouka raised a brow at the two, chuckling to herself. “Kenji, maybe you should give your shirt to Ryu.”


“It’s not the clothes!”


“Then what is it?” Atsushi cried.


“It’s all wet!”


“It’s fucking water!” Lucy shouted from where she sat with Poe closer to the shore. “Jesus Murphy.”


“Clowns,” said Poe.


All of them.”


I wouldn’t give it up, though.


No, me neither. Don’t tell them that though.”


Poe chuckled, picking up a shell from the sand beneath his leg. “What? You don’t want me to tell them you’re just a big teddy bear?”


“So are you!”


“Yeah, but I’ve never denied that.”


Lucy rolled her eyes. “At the beginning with your whole evil genius author act?”


“Oh shut up, Miss I hate Atsushi but I really have a crush on him.”


“You are so lucky they can’t understand you right now,” Lucy screeched.


“Oi,” called Atsushi. “What are you screaming about over there?”


“Nothing,” said Poe.


“None of your damn business, stupid cat!” Lucy shouted. “I’m gunna biff this rock at ‘im in a minute. Right in the gitch.”


Akutagawa only raised a brow as he watched Poe cross his legs and Lucy turn a rock over in her hands. “Foreigners.”


“Oh hell, what is that?”


Everyone in the vicinity turned to follow Atsushi’s gaze. Walking towards them from the changeroom was a very-nearly-naked Hirotsu. From behind him, Gin fake gagged, eyes horrified but still seeming slightly amused. Poe covered his mouth with one hand in horror, whereas Lucy did it to stop herself from laughing. Kenji froze in place, staring with wide eyes while Kyouka pulled a face as if she’d just smelled the inside of a dumpster. Junichiro looked down to try and hide his horrified laughter and Akutagawa put his face in his hands.


“Hirotsu-san… what are you wearing?”


“I told you if you went in the water, then I would too.”


“In your underwear?”


“It is not my underwear, it’s a bathing suit.”


“Do your balls even fit in there?” Jun asked, choking on his stifled laughter.




Kenji’s eyes widened further. “That can’t be comfortable.”


He shrugged. “Beggars can’t be choosers. Now, who’s ready to go for a swim?”




Further out into the water, a group of five goofed off with boogie boards. After Tachihara and Higuchi left to get a drink, Kunikida and Dazai stepped in to take their places. However, Dazai being chaotic as usual, got extremely board of simply paddling around after about ten minutes. To cure his boredom, he decided messing with Kunikida was his best option, as if he didn’t spend all day every day doing that anyway. Surely that would get boring, too, but Dazai seemed perfectly content coming up with new ways to annoy his partner on the daily. Shoving him off a boogie board was just another one of his ideas.


Unfortunately for Dazai, he got caught up in a wave in that exact moment and went head-over-heels off the board. When he popped up on the other side with a gasp, the others laughed as he pushed sopping bangs out of his eyes.


“Nice job, Osamu.”


“Shut up, Ango,” he chuckled, tucking in a piece of his bandages that had come free.


“Why do you still wear those?”


Dazai looked at Katai, who held Kunikida’s board still while he climbed on top of it on his knees. “Oh, not you too.”




“Chuuya’s been trying to convince me to take them off all day.”


“And why don’t you?”


Dazai sighed as he tread water, holding his board still with one hand. “Because my body looks disgusting. With all the cuts and the rope burn and scars from missions and everything else. I don’t need the unwanted attention from random beachgoers.”


“But don’t the wet bandages get irritating?” Kunikida asked, trying to stand on his board, much to Katai’s scepticism.


“Not really. I’m just used to it, I guess. I’ve been wearing them since I was twelve or thirteen, maybe even before that. I’m used to them getting wet.”


“Even still,” said Kunikida, trying to steady himself.


Dazai watched as he swayed back and forth with the movement of the water, keeping himself balanced while Katai held the board mostly in place. The two of them were extremely focused and Dazai wasn’t so sure he liked that. Besides, he’d already failed to bug Kunikida once and gotten a face full of wave, so why not try it for a second time? Just to be a shit-disturber.


He watched and waited for the perfect moment, for the calm between two waves when Kunikida had just about regained his balance. It was then that he jumped forward and hit the back of Kunikida’s thighs, sending him tumbling off the board and right into the crest of the wave.


When the wave had rolled past them, Kunikida’s head popped up and he spluttered. “Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck.”


“It’s just a little wave,” Dazai teased.


“Yes, well thanks to your ‘little wave’, I’ve now lost my trunks!”


Katai and Ango burst out laughing while Dazai merely smirked. “Well, that’s just a bonus!”


“I’m gunna kill you when I’m not naked.”


“Gotta find your trunks first there, bud,” Ango snickered.


“No shit. But where are they?”


“I think the ocean has claimed them now,” Katai laughed.






Kunikida whirled around, gasping at the sight of the ocean waves carrying away his trunks. “No! No, seriously, come on!!”


Ango, Dazai, and Katai burst into another fit of laughter as Kunikida chased his trunks, bare ass popping up above the water with the movement of the waves. He kicked as hard as he could, hoping for more momento, but as the waves carried his trunks forward they pushed him back. Every time he thought he could snag them with the tip of his finger, away they went again. Twice, three times, four times… it took him five whole attempts to get them back.


When he turned back around and realized how far he’d gotten from his friends his stared at them with air in his cheeks, shaking his head. “Dazai! You’re gunna pay for this!”


“Sorry, Kunikida-kun, I don’t pay for sex.”


“You bastard!” He wrestled with the trunks as the waves knocked him around, trying to get his feet through the leg holes before he sank under the water and breathed it in. Again.


“How was that chase?” Katai snickered as Kunikida swam back towards them.


Kunikida rolled his eyes and Ango laughed. “At least he’s got his exercise for the day.”


“He got that earlier from chasing me.”


“Why was he chasing you, Dazai?”


“That’s not important.”


Kunikida brought a hand to his forehead. “I think I’ve had enough of the water for today. How about heading back to shore?”


“Sounds good to me,” Dazai sang. “I still have to bury Chuuya in sand.”


“Is that really necessary?”


“Yes, Katai. If you had a girlfriend you’d know it’s obligatory to bury them up to heir neck in sand and take pictures for blackmail.”


“That’s not—”


“Shut up, Ango.”


Ango and Kunikida looked at each other and then back to Dazai, having practically given up at that point.




“Jun, here!”




The volleyball soared across the court to Higuchi’s waiting hand, changing trajectory with her spike and hitting the sand just to the side of Tsujimura. She tucked a piece of blue hair behind her ear as she stared at it in awe.


“Wow! You really got some power behind that one!”


“That’s why I said we shouldn’t let them be on the same team,” muttered Atsushi.


“Such a sore loser, Atsushi-kun,” Jun teased.


Atsushi stuck his tongue out at him while Fukuzawa laughed from behind him. “Perhaps I should’ve heeded your advice.”


“Probably,” Tachihara groaned. “They also have Mori-sensei and Poe-san!”


“What am I, chopped liver?”


Tachi brought a hand to the back of his neck as he turned to Lucy. “No. Poe-san is just much taller than you.”


And better.”


You take that back right now!”


“Absolutely not.”


“Mizuki,” called Yosano from the other half of the court. “Can we have that ball back?”


“Yeah, sorry!” She picked the ball up and tossed it over the net to Yosano, who passed it back to Poe in the sixth position. Why they were playing with all six people he wasn’t sure, but they’d managed to rope enough people into it, so he didn’t complain even if the makeshift court was a bit crowded. He tossed the ball up in the air, waited a second, and then swung his arm forward to make contact.


The ball flew over the net, meeting Tachihara’s outstretched arms in a pass to Lucy. She set the ball to Fukuzawa, who sent a line-drive directly at Kouyou. The impact made her stumble, but she managed to pass it in the direction of Mori. He stepped forwards, eyeing his two teammates that made their ways to the net. No sooner had the set left his fingers than Jun swung, sending the ball directly between Atsushi and Kunikida, who both dove for it and collided. The ball stuck in the sand where it landed, mocking them while the scoring team high-fived.


“Okay, I definitely should have listened to you, Atsushi,” said Fukuzawa. Atsushi only gave him a look as he rubbed his arm that took the brunt of the collision.


How that feeling, Luce?”


“Keep chirping me, Edgar, ya damn hoser.”


“Hmmm… No.”


“You’re such a dough-head.”


“’Tis I, the Pilsbury Dough Boy.”


Lucy shook her head with narrowed eyes. “Atsushi, we gotta get a point.”


“If you haven’t noticed, Lucy, we’re trying to get a point.”


“Well let’s try harder then!”


He laughed as she headed back to her spot. “Okay.”


Poe served again, a lofty ball that dropped just in front of Tsujimura. She kept the ball up high with her pass and Atsushi positioned himself underneath it. He got good lift on his set, but Lucy whiffed the ball, which hit the tape and tumbled back down on their side of the net. Lucy fumed as she stared at it.


Want me to go easy on you, Luce?”


“Ahhh, you make me so mad. So, so… Va te faire enculer!”


“Quit swearing at each other in English!” Jun yelled.


“Yeah, we wanna know how you’re shit-talking each other.”


However, Poe only stared at her with a brow lifted in amusement. “What was that last part?”


“Wasn’t that English?” Kunikida asked, brows creased.


“It was French actually!” Chuuya called from beside the court, where Dazai was burying him in sand. “She said ‘Go fuck yourself’.”


“C’mon, Lucy,” Poe nearly whined. “You know I can’t understand you when you speak French.”


“I’m sorry! I was mad!”


“So you default to French?”


“No! I grew up with a mixture of the two, so I know a lot of common French curses that get used a lot in conversation. It just happened to be the first thing I thought of.”


Atsushi shook his head, laughing. “Alright then. And Chuuya-san understood you?”


“I’m half French.”


“You are?”


Chuuya raised a brow, which looked even funnier when Dazai was creating a mermaid tail around him with the sand. “Yeah. I learned to speak it when I was younger, but I must have spoke it before… before everything. Because it all came back really quickly.”


“I thought you’d forget it if you didn’t use it,” said Kyouka, who knelt beside Dazai where she buried Kenji in the sand.


“I do use it. I’ve done a lot of business trips to France in the past. Besides, all of the execs have to know English and one other language. I chose French.”


“Wait really?” Kenji’s eyes lit up with that new information. “Dazai-san, what did you learn?”




“Why German?” Akutagawa asked, an incredulous look on his face.


“Because I wanted to yell at people in an aggressive language just because I could. You know, I’d just go up to someone here on the street and yell something at them in German.”


“How is that entertaining?” Ango moaned.


“Because. I could be telling them I like flowers but it would still startle them.”


“What if they spoke German?”


“That’s a them problem.”


Ango brought a hand to his forehead. “You’re unbelievable.”


“Can we get back to our game now?” Tachihara stated more than asked.


Dazai nodded and ignored them all as they went back to their game. Kyouka poked his arm. “Hmm?”


“What language did Kouyou learn?”


“Mandarin,” Chuuya answered.


“Ah, something practical.”


“German is practical!”


“No, it’s not, Dazai-san,” Kenji said.


“It is too.”


“You sound like a child.”


“I am a child.”


“No you’re not! I’m a child. You’re 22!”


“Same thing.”


Chuuya rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could. “You act like a man-child okay? Now shut up and finish my mermaid tail. It needs to look cooler than Kenji’s.”


“Oh, I’m not giving him a mermaid tail,” said Kyouka. “It’s sand legs.”


“It’s what now?”


“Sand legs.”


“So you’re burying his legs… just to draw new legs.”




“One question.”






“Why not?”


Chuuya shook his head. “Were his existing legs not good enough for you?”


“It’s just fun to make them disproportionate,” she giggled.


Kenji shifted, in obvious discomfort. “Can you hurry up?”


“Why, what’s wrong?”


“My legs are getting all itchy.”


“Really?” Chuuya asked. “Mine aren’t.”




“Where are the itchy?”


“On my thigh—” He blanked, staring at Chuuya, who raised his brows. “I think maybe it’s just because my trunks are rubbing on them with sand underneath.”


“Yeah, that sounds irritating.”


“Make sure you wash off good after then.”


“I’ll have to,” he said, looking away.


“Well I’m almost done,” said Kyouka, tracing a line on his ‘feet.’ “You’ll have time to wash up before we play Suikawari.”


“Oh that’ll be fun!”


“Yeah, and then we’re having dinner. The sun should be setting shortly after that and then it’s time for fireworks.”


“I can’t wait!”


“Oh! Actually, do you want to get snow cones after you wash off? You’ll be the last to have a go at the watermelon anyway.”


“Snow cones? So close to dinner?”


“Yeah! It’s only shaved ice!” She grinned at him, poking his nose with a sand covered finger. “C’monnnnn.”


“Okay, okay,” he laughed, shaking her finger off. “I’ll go with you.”




“Like sugar.”


“Like you.”




Atsushi was the first to have a go at Suikawari, letting Akutagawa blindfold him and send him on his way. However, once again, Dazai decided to mess with people. He instructed Atsushi to head to the left and then take a swing. He hit nothing but sand on his first swing, and on his second swing hit Ranpo’s beach-chair.


“Oi! Dazai! Quit fucking with him before he ruins my chair!”


“Sorry, Ranpo-san!” Atsushi called, guilt written all over his face.


“Actually, it’s my chair,” corrected Fukuzawa. “You just sit in it like a lazy lump.”


“Hey, I threw a frisbee today!”


“Yeah, at Katai, after he airdropped you a meme about Kermit the Frog.”


“I didn’t like the way it looked at me.”


“Oh for fuck’s sake.”


“Okay, Atsushi, I’m gunna rate that a 1/10,” Junichiro teased as Akutagawa took of the boy’s blindfold.


“You have a go then, Mr. Break my face with a spike.”


Jun rolled his eyes as he took the blindfold. “I didn’t break your face, relax. You didn’t even get a bloody nose.”


“It would’ve been funnier if he did,” laughed Lucy.


“Watch it.”


“Yeah, yeah.”


With Atsushi’s instruction, Junichiro did about as well as Atsushi. Naomi only made it worse, purposefully directing him to walk face first into the volleyball net and flail as he fell over backwards. Her and Atsushi howled with laughter while Haruno tried to disguise hers, all the while nagging at them that that was mean.


Dazai went next and was the first to actually hit the melon. Well… sort of. He tripped over it and got sand in his mouth. According to him, the sand did not in fact taste very much like watermelon and more like bird shit. Kyouka stopped eating her snow cone after that.


Tsujimura went next, basically walking in a sumo-squat across the sand with the bat held up above her head. Ango, however, had a different idea, and kicked her I the but so that she toppled over and hit the melon with her face. No break… but a nice tooth mark. That piece was designated as hers.


Poe and Lucy took the next two turns, excited for their first time playing Suikawari. No one messed with them wanting them to actually experience the game. Both of them got a nice solid hit, one creating a crack and the other spreading it.


Katai didn’t do much damage to the melon. In fact, more damage was probably done to him. Kajii spun him around so much that he couldn’t walk in a straight line and he ended up walking into the beach house and falling over a picnic table. He wasn’t hurt… except for his dignity that he apparently lost with his high-pitched scream that was mistaken for Elise.


Speaking of Elise, she took a turn after Katai. She spent most of it shit-talking Mori, not letting him direct her because she wanted to rely on her ‘instincts.’ The group prepared to laugh at her, but all stood in shock as she got a direct hit, breaking off a piece of the melon.


Chuuya, with the restriction of not using his ability, was the second to last person to have a turn. His turn went smoothly, or it did until Dazai tried to intervene. Chuuya just ended up fighting him and hitting him with the bat instead. Not hard. Not really…


Kenji went after Chuuya, when the group decided they’d never get it broken if he didn’t just smash it. The group still toyed with him, though, and got a good laugh from sending him on a wild goose chase. They had him swinging at air and sand, and practically everything but melon. Finally, Atsushi took mercy on him and gave him the right directions, letting him land a solid hit on the watermelon and split it roughly into two more pieces.


In a cheery mood, the group all sat in the beach house munching on watermelon. It ran down their faces and got all over their hands, but no one complained. It was refreshing after such a long day in the sun. But the sun was reaching for the horizon, and by the time they finished their dinner, it would be sunset.




Soft sand squished beneath their toes as Dazai and Chuuya walked along the ocean. Water lapped at their feet and all sort of hues of oranges and pinks graced the sky, dancing in the water as if to paint a story for their amusement. Chuuya’s small hand fit perfectly in Dazai’s and he gave it a squeeze. Chuuya squeezed back and then stopped, pulling Dazai to a stop beside him.


Dazai turned to look at Chuuya, watching the sunset reflect in his azure eyes. His eyes had always been beautiful, but Dazai liked them best like this. Calm and happy, full of life and colour. He wanted Chuuya to stay as serene as he was forever, to never have to deal with another problem. But in their line of work, he knew that wasn’t possible. It did, however, make him wonder what else could put that look in Chuuya’s eyes. Because whatever it was… he would find a way to make it happen.


“It’s pretty, isn’t it?”


Dazai snapped out of it. “Hmm?”


“The sunset. I know it sounds sappy, but it’s something I’ve always loved watching.”


“Why’s that?”


“Something about the setting sun, when it slips beyond the horizon and the moon comes out… I don’t know exactly what it is. But the beauty of it, the enjoyment I get from it, the last warm rays on my face remind me that I’m human.”


“It’s funny. I’ve never seen it that way.”


“How do you see them then?”


Dazai let out a long breath. “Another end to another useless day. It’s a relief, but also a reminder that my life is pointless.”


Chuuya’s warm hand slipped back in his, a gentle, welcome presence. “Don’t think that way.”


“I’m trying not to. But it doesn’t come easy.”


“I get that.”


“But… I think you make it a little easier. To bare the sunrise and sunset every day. Or the nights that seem endless.”


“I’ll go through any of those as many times as I need to. As many sleepless nights or meandering days. As long as I’m with you.”


“Don’t go getting all sappy on me now, Chibi.”


“Why? It’s true.”


“Because… I just can’t see anyone wanting that with me. Especially if it’s something so precious to you. It… It’s your humanity, Chuuya. That sunset.”


“You’re right. It is.” He looked up to Dazai then, the warmth from the sun slipping off his face. Out of his eyes. But it was still there, the serenity, the life. The warmth of the sun, ever so slightly, because it lived in his personality. “And I want to spend the rest of my sunsets with you, Osamu.”


Dazai couldn’t fight the smile that made his lips twitch. And before he realized what he was doing, he’d pulled Chuuya in for a kiss. It wasn’t fierce and it didn’t last long, but it was enough. Enough to say all of the words that Dazai couldn’t. And for Chuuya… it was perfect. Because he knew what he meant. And he understood every single word.



Chapter Text


Listen Up, Fuckers


Friday, 3:45 pm


AngryChuuyaNoises: OI detective agency motherfuckers


NotmyNeko: jokes on u im an orphan


AngryChuuyaNoises: fuck you


UpforStabs: Atsushi nO


ElectricBoogaloo: yes Chibi :))


AngryChuuyaNoises: not u


ElectricBoogaloo: D:


AccidentallyDad: yes Chuuya?


AngryChuuyaNoises: finally somebody responsible


BabyMomma: that’s funny


Ginge: he’s probably the most chaotic out of all of us


AccidentallyDad: hey!


Stopsignsgobrr: hes not wrong


AccidentallyDad: still


Thoushaltshutup: what do you need Chuuya, we’re getting ready for a party


AngryChuuyaNoises: actually AKIKO this is perfect


AngryChuuyaNoises: no drinking challenges with Dazai or I will end you


ElectricBoogaloo: aw why not??


Thoushaltshutup: booooo


GremlinwaKnife: why not?? That would be hilarious!


Noticemesenpai: sure if u don’t have to listen to it


AngryChuuyaNoises: im pretty sure u don’t live with me Higuchi


Noticemesenpai: u don’t need to to hear all the bullshit u guys get up to


AngryChuuyaNoises: O.O


ElectricBoogaloo: 🤪


FRICKINLEMONS: I don’t think sex is considered bullshit


GeronimoStilton: id hope not


Shadowbanned: ANGO


GeronimoStilton: sue me


Shadowbanned: ur broke


GeronimoStilton: fight me


Noticemesenpai: okay :)


GeronimoStilton: come over after work


Noticemesenpai: sweet


NotmyNeko: did they just set up a booty call right in front of us


Ithinknot: theyre dating I ont think it’s a booty call


NotmyNeko: whatever


Ithinknot; that could be very offensive


NotmyNeko: tHaT cOuLd Be VeRy OfFeNsIvE


HorrorWhore: lucy please stop arguing with him constantly im BEGGING you


Ithinknot: then beg


HorrorWhore: lucy T-T


EmoAsthmatic: oh hell what is happening


Stopsigngobrr: I have no idea


Ginge: do u ever


Stopsignsgobrr: fair enough


Sugardaddy: I would also like to request Yosano not challenge Dazai to a drinking contest


Thoushaltshutup: but that would be funnnnnn


NotmyNeko: are u already drunk??


Thoushaltshutup: nahhhhh


EmoAsthmatic: wouldn’t u know?


NotmyNeko: no I went out w Kyouka to get the cake :)


HorrorWhore: lucky you


HorrorWhore: I have to deal with her pre-drinking


BabyMomma: I wish I could pre-drink with her


Thoushaltshutup: nooooo u canttttttt


GremlinwaKnife: are you sure ur not drunk Yosano?


Thoushaltshutup: yessss


HorrorWhore: no


NotmyNeko: 🤦🏽‍♂️


FuckityFuck: are you the only one in the office with her?


HorrorWhore: no Haruno and Naomi are also here


Notatanizaki: its just more fun to watch him suffer


HorrorWhore: u could at least help me move the desks


Notatanizaki: but wheres the fun in that


Ginge: rude Naomi


Notatanizaki: so be it, its entertaining


CATana: what am I? chopped liver?


Horrorwhore: no sir! Nope never! I just meant in the office


Shithead: nice save


HorrorWhore: shut UP


Thoushaltshutup: Kunikidaaaaaaaa


AccidentallyDad: good lord WHAT


Thoushaltshutup: can u pick up some of that wine I like????


Stopsignsgobrr: is that really a good idea


Thoushaltshutup: shhh honey the adults are talking


Stopsignsgobrr: one day im gunna a be an adult and im gunna beat ur ass


Thoushaltshutup: lol okay shortstack


Stopsignsgobrr: -_-


UpforStabs: pfft


AccidentallyDad: I dunno if I should


Thoushaltshutup: pleaseeeeeee




Thoushaltshutup: let me be freeeeeeee


Stopsignsgobrr: are you sure she’s drunk and not on crack??


HorrorWhore: no


Ginge: no fair I want some


Stopsignsgobrr: nO


GremlinwaKnife: yES


EmoAsthmatic: GIN NO




Thoushaltshutup: youll have to come and find me thennnnnn


GremlinwaKnife: FINE I WILL


GeronimoStilton: Gin you cant walk


GremlinwaKnife: I WILL CRAWL


NotmyNeko: you cant do that either






Ginge: good luck with that on ur one good leg




AngryChuuyaNoises: like hell u will


GremlinwaKnife: Kenji will help me! Wont u Kenji-kun?


Stopsignsgobrr: id say yes but you might break your OTHER leg


GremlinwaKnife: T-T


Bandades_and_Babes: dw ill ick its ass for you


EmoAsthmatic: ur still not supposed to be on ur phone


Bandades_and_Babes: I went fucking swimming


EmoAsthmatic: that’s low impact. This is eye-strain


Bandades_and_Babes: well Yosano is too drunk to tell me off so


Thoushaltshutup: Tachiharaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Bandades_and_Babes: oh shit she found me


Thoushaltshutup: don’t make me come over thereeeeeee


Bandades_and_Babes: u don’t know where I live!


Thoushaltshutup: oh yes I doooooo




Thoushaltshutup: hehhhhhhhhhh


HorrorWhore: NO


Stopsignsgobrr: oh for the love of god




Stopsignsgobrr: ill get her


NotmyNeko: why drunk so early that just spoils the fun


Shothead: oh no she will sober up and then challenge Dazai to a drinking contest later and get smashed again


AngryChuuyaNoises: NO




NotmyNeko: it will be fineeeeeeee


AngryChuuyaNoises: I don’t think you understand




Ginge: lmao rip Chuuya


Thoushaltshutup: noooooo


Shadowbanned: whats wrong Akiko


Thoushaltshutup: Kenji put me in a timeout




Stopsignsgobrr: well she listened to me didn’t she?


UpforStabs: HOW


Stopsignsgobrr: shes like mentally four rn it’s the same as putting Emiko in a timeout when she tries to pants my brothers


Ithinknot: pfft what


NotmyNeko: just ur borthers and not u??


Stopsignsgobrr: hard to pants a guy wearing overalls and a belt now isn’t it


NotmyNeko: that’s fair


Thoushaltshutup: I don’t wanna sit in here


Stopsignsgobrr: too bad


Ginge: think about what you’ve done


Stopsignsgobrr: don’t worry I already do that




Stopsignsgobrr: monkey brain go brr




Stopsignsgobrr: what the fuck


Thoushaltshutup: I don’t want an apple I want grapes


AngryChuuyaNoises: no hun u want wine


Thoushaltshutup: shhhhh




Thoushaltshutup: or what farmer boy


Stopsignsgobrr: ill hide your scalpels again so you cant find them when youre sober


Thoushaltshutup: noooooooooo


Stopsignsgobrr: THEN EAT THE APPLE JFC


GeronimoStilton: did he just say again?


EmoAsthmatic: he did indeed just say again


Ginge: you will hide her scalpels again?????


Thoushaltshutup: sober kenji is mean to drunk Akiko


Stopsignsgobrr: be quiet and eat your apple


FuckityFuck: I don’t think Kenji ever hasn’t been sober Akiko


Thoushaltshutup: hes still mean


Stopsignsgobrr: I know I know im so mean


Stopsignsgobrr: eat the damn apple


AngryChuuyaNoises: why an apple that’s not gunna do shit kid


HorrorWhore: its all we have


AccidentallyDad: im out getting groceries for the office right now




Stopsignsgobrr: this isn’t the first time ive had to put her in a time out when shes plastered


Stopsignsgobrr: at least this time she let me pick her up instead of dragging her down the street in the middle of the day


Thoushaltshutup: nooo shhhhh that was supposed to be a secret


Stopsignsgobrr: it was never a secret, half of Yokohama saw you drunk singing in the middle of the street


FuckityFuck: oh my god


Noticemesenpai: sounds like Kenji’s had it up to here with yosano’s shit


UpforStabs: good thing he’s patient


Stopsignsgobrr: normally


Stopsignsgobrr: but drunk Yosano makes me wanna punch a wall


GremlinwaKnife: then do it you wont


Stopsignsgobrr: I will watch me




Ginge: what


UpforStabs: that one hand needs to stop making contact with a wall I stg stop punching things


Stopsignsgobrr: but drunk Yosano


HorrorWhore: just dunk Yosano


NotmyNeko: fucking what


HorrorWhore: dunk her in freezing cold water


Thoushaltshutup: how about you don’t do that


Thoushaltshutup: it sounds uncomfy


Stopsignsgobrr: that apple being shoved down your throat is going to be uncomfy in a minute


UpforStabs: O.O oh?


AccidentallyDad: DO NOT DUNK HER


Ithinknot: aw why not?


AccientallyDad: I am NOT cleaning up that mess


Stopsignsgobrr: I don’t have a big enough bucket anyway


Noticemesenpai: find Dazai’s


NotmyNeko: oh fucking hell pls NO




Ginge: geez who hurt you


NotmyNeko: santa


Ginge: ah that makes sense


EmoAsthmatic: what the fuck




FRICKINLEMONS: I wanna know if he took his clothes off and then jumped or if someone stole his clothes


HorrorWhore: why would they do that


FRICINLEMONS: idk man its Yokohama what do you want me to tell you


HorrorWhore: id say its messed up here but its messed up back home too so


Ithinknot: its messed up everywhere tbh


ElectricBoogaloo: yeah pretty much


Stopsignsgobrr: all u can do is make the best of it


Stopsignsgobrr: fake it until you make it you know?


NotmyNeko: wdym?


Stopsignsgobrr: theres a saying that if you fake something enough that it wil eventually become true


ElectricBoogaloo: so if I faked being rich long enough then id be rich?


Stopsignsgobrr: no Dazai


Ginge: u will never be rich Dazai


AccidentallyDad: stop mooching off my money Dazai


ElectricBoogaloo: fine Dazai


EmoAsthmatic: what the fuck


NotmyNeko: then what do u mean then Kenji?


Stopsignsgobrr: if you fake… idk being confident. If you act confident then eventually you wont have to act anymore


ElectricBoogaloo: so the mask becomes real?


Stopsignsgobrr: I guess so


NotmyNeko: does that actually work?


Ginge: no


Stopsignsgobrr: idk maybe


UpforStabs: so if you pretend to be the opposite of what you are you wil be that


Stopsignsgobrr: yep pretty much that’s the theory


UpforStabs: opposite emotions? Calm and angry? Or happy and sad?


Stopsignsgobrr: idk I guess im not a psychologist I just read it in a book somewhere can we stop talking about this now im sorry I brought it up


Stopsignsgobrr it probably doesn’t even work and you just end up miserable so idk if you should try it


UpforStabs: but from what u understand that’s how it works?


Stopsignsgobrr: yes


UpforStabs: right then


Ginge: why do I feel like Kyoukas sus


UpforStabs: Im always sus


Ginge: I can see that


GremlinwaKnife: she sounds like some kind of detective who’s just understood something important


UpforStabs: I AM a detective


Stopsignsgobrr: and im ugly so whats your point here Kyouka?


UpforStabs: youre not ugly


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah or she wouldn’t be dating you


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s how it works right aha


Bandades_and_Babes: yeah I mean have u seen the guys who get a girl and let themselves go and then she leaves like pfft had it coming man don’t be lazy


FRICKINLEMONS; sounds like my parents. My mom always telling my dad to get off his fat ass lmao


FuckityFuck: as if that worked


FRICKINLEMONS: probably not but idk I haven’t talked to them in ten years LOL


HorrorWhore: yeah yeah he’s 14 don’t scare the kid


Stopsingsgobrr: no no its fine id rather know the standards to follow


UpforStabs: well youre not ugly so…


Stopsignsgobrr: I was just joking Ky


UpforStabs: still


UpforStabs: theres no standards like that w me


Sugardaddy: yes girls aren’t shallow like SOME GUYS TEND TO BE


Bandades_and_Babes: trust me im not shallow


FRICKINLEMONS: I probably am but ie never had a gf so who knows


Sugardaddy: morons. Both of u.


Ithinknot: not all girls aren’t shallow. I knew some girls in high school that dumped a guy if he even cut his hair wrong


NotmyNeko: that’s so petty


Ginge: man Atsushi would never get a girl then


NotmyNeko: hey fuck you


Ginge: 😂


AccidentallyDad: yes yes people suck now I have a question


Shithead: ou food


AccidentallyDad: not for u the question is for Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: yes Kunikida-san?


AccidentallyDad: what ice cream flavour do u want? Im at the store rn


Stopsignsgobrr: im not picky, whatever u want


AccidentallyDad: chocolate?


Stopsignsgobrr: sure


AccidentallyDad: sure like actually sure or sure like ur just going with whatever I say


Stopsignsgobrr: I really don’t care Kunikida-san its your birthday too, pick whatever your favourite is


Accidentallydad: well my fav has nuts in it so you cant eat it


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s fine! I just wont have any!


Stopsignsgobrr: u enjoy it!


NotmyNeko: I couldn’t eat it either tho


Stopsignsgobrr: oh yeah


AccidentallyDad: what about vanilla?


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s fine too I guess


AccidentallyDad: chocolate it is


Stopsignsgobrr: ok


GremlinwaKnife: maybe Poe needs to watch over Yosano’s time out and let Kenji have a nap


Stopsignsgobrr: no im fine im not tired




Shadowbanned: OR I SAW U FUCKING




GeronimoStilton: nO




Shadowbanned: NO


Ithinknot: u just couldn’t wait to get the guchi coochie could u Ango


HorrorWhore: please Lucy


HorrorWhore: I am begging you to never ever say that again in your life please


Ithinknot: I told u before


Ithinknot: fucking beg


Ithinknot: peasant


HorrorWhore: youre in for it when u get back here


Ithinknot: what r u gunna do stick karl on me? He fucking loves me and you know it


HorrorWhore: I don’t appreciate that tone of voice


Ithinknot: u cant even hear me


HorrorWhore: no but I can FEEL it


Ginge: “guchi coochie”


HorrorWhore: nO


EmoAsthmatic: good lord my EYES


Noticemesenpai: thyne eyes have been BLESSED


EmoAsthmatic: bleACH


Shadowbanned: what the fuck you guys T-T


GeronimoStilton: stay away


Shadowbanned: u cant hide forever


Shadowbanned: I have your briefcase


GeronimoStilton: U WOULDN’T DARE


Shadowbanned: I would


GeronimoStilton: MIZUKI


Shadowbanned: now get ur bare cheeks out here and face me


Shadowbanned: pussy


GeronimoStilton: that’s exactly what im covered in


Ithinknot: guchi coochie tm


Stopsignsgobrr: mom can u come pick me up, im scared


Ginge: LMAO






Friday, 4:45 pm


UpforStabs: hey


Stopsignsgobrr: hi


UpforStabs: are you okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: yeah im fine why?


UpforStabs: do you really think you’re ugly?


Stopsignsgobrr: no haha I was just joking


UpforStabs: were you?


Stopsignsgobrr: of course


UpforStabs: Kenji


Stopsignsgobrr: hmm?


UpforStabs: you seem off lately


Stopsignsgobrr: how so?


UpforStabs idk exactly. Is there anything bothering you that you want to talk about?


Stopsignsgobrr: im fine Kyouka


Stopsignsgobrr: theres just a lot going on


UpforStabs: wdym?


Stopsignsgobrr: well my mom was here with Emiko and then I was home with my family taking care of them, and now im back and we start school in a few days


Stopsignsgobrr: just a lot to think about aha


UpforStabs: I know but…


Stopsignsgobrr: but what?


UpforStabs: I don’t know. Youre sure you’re fine?


Stopsingsgobrr: yes im fine


UpforStabs: you can always talk to me if something is bothering you


Stopsignsgobrr: I know


UpforStabs: are you worried about starting school here in Yokohama?


Stopsignsgobrr: of course I am


Stopsignsgobrr: im different


UpforStabs: im sure youll be fine. Besides, youll be with me


Stopsignsgobrr: that’s the reassuring part


UpforStabs: aw babe you’ll be fine dw


Stopsignsgobrr: alright. Not worrying :)


UpforStabs: ill be back in a few minutes. Lets have some fun with everybody tonight hmm? We can think about school over the weekend


UpforStabs: tonight its about you and Kunikida


UpforStabs: and I already know you will love the gift I got you


Stopsignsgobrr: no no you didn’t have to get me anything!


UpforStabs: but I wanted to


Stopsignsgobrr: youre sweet, but you really didn’t have to


UpforStabs: I know that Kenji, but I think that you will really like it


Stopsignsgobrr: im sure ill love anything that’s from you


UpforStabs: stoppp Atsushi’s asking me why im blushing at my phone


Stopsignsgobrr: tell him its nothing special


UpforStabs: oh stop 😂


UpforStabs: ill be back soon okay?


Stopsignsgobrr: okay


UpforStabs: don’t punch any walls while I’m gone


Stopsignsgobrr: no promises

Chapter Text


“Cake’s here!”


Atsushi’s voice bounced off the Agency walls as he and Kyouka entered the office. The door fell closed behind the pair as they strode further into the room, setting it down on the table set out for the food Kunikida had returned with and the wine Yosano had persuaded him to buy.


“Mmm, cake,” hummed Ranpo, reaching out for the box.


Atsushi smacked his hand away. “Not yet, Ranpo-san!”


Ranpo pouted. “But it looks so good!”


“You can’t even see it yet…”


He turned to Kyouka with brows drawn. “So what if it’s in a box? I’m a master of deduction you know?”


“Fine. Tell me what it looks like then.”


“Round chocolate cake with blue icing.”


She squinted at him. “Lucky guess.”


“He saw it on Yosano’s laptop when she ordered it,” Poe called from across the room.




“That’s so mean, Kyouka-chan! I’d never cheat. I just used my resources.”


“It’s a skill you have to learn,” joked Dazai, who reached for the cake.


Atsushi smacked his hand away too. “No!”


Kyouka laughed in spite of herself, only turning her attention away when someone tapped her on the shoulder. It was Kenji, who gave her a quick kiss before smiling at her. She grinned back, holding a gift bag out to him. “Happy Birthday, Kenji.”


He took it, gazing down at the sunlight that glinted off the silver coating on the bag, wondering what was inside the carefully folded tissue paper. “It’s not my birthday until Sunday.”


She rolled her eyes. “I know that, but we’re all celebrating yours and Kunikida’s today because you, I, and Naomi will be back at school by Wednesday.”


“Well thank you. Is it okay if I open it later?”




“Okay.” He took her hand and led her over to his desk, which already had a card and a small package wrapped in plain brown paper. “Oh, do you want to see Yosano?”


“Don’t tell me she’s still in a timeout.”


Chuckling, he nodded. “She is.”


“She’s gotta be sobered up mostly by now though, right?”


“Eh, sort of. We didn’t have much food to give her, aside from that apple she never ate.”


“She didn’t eat it?”


“No. She repeatedly threw it at the wall until it was so bruised she refused to eat it.”


Kyouka blew air out her nose. “Of course she did. Alright, let’s see it.”


Kenji tugged on her wrist again, pulling her behind him into the infirmary. He shoved open the door to the operation room, the stark whites harsh on their eyes. Kyouka had to press her lips together to keep from laughing. Yosano sat on a tiny stool in the back corner, glaring up at Kenji while she sipped water from a glass.


“Am I allowed out now?”




“What do you mean maybe?”


“That depends. Can you walk in a straight line now?”


“Yes. I’ve always been able to.”


Kenji shot her a look. “There’s a reason I had to carry you back her, Yosano-sensei. Because you couldn’t walk in a straight line.”


“Could too!”


“Could not, but I’m not going to argue with you. Please go eat something more than an apple now.”


“So I can go?”




Yosano hopped up like a giddy school child and raced from the room, calling for Ranpo. Not long after that Kenji and Kyouka cringed at the sound of a crash from the main office, followed by Dazai’s howling laughter, Atsushi and Junichiro’s startled yelps, and Kunikida’s scolding screams. Yep. Business as usual for the Agency.




Though the party wasn’t nearly as big as the joint parties they’d had with the Port Mafia, Ango, and Tsujimura, Kunikida had still picked up a good amount of food for them all. Fukuzawa had chided him for buying the food for his own party, but when asked who else he trusted to do it, Fukuzawa had nothing to say. Certainly not Dazai, Kenji, or Atsushi, or the Agency would have another cow on the roof. Of course, they could’ve sent Junichiro, but he’d been out on a case and Ranpo couldn’t find his way around the city on a good day.


Around the cake laid plates of food to pick from, as well as a stack of paper plates and plastic cutlery. The way it had been laid out, Atsushi and Kyouka thought it was too pretty to eat! Kunikida had set it up so nicely and the options all looked so delicious… The sushi rolls, the shrimp tempura, the platter of glistening melon slices… Kyouka’s hand hovered over the platter of sashimi while Atsushi pondered over chicken skewers and Naomi tentatively grabbed an onigiri. Even though Kunikida wasn’t scrutinizing their messing up his lay out, the three of them still were hesitant to put anything on their plates. Had someone taken a picture of it??


That didn’t last long. Not when Ranpo was around and, like a bulldozer, took one of everything, spilled half his drink and sent sushi rolling across the office floor to Fukuzawa’s feet. Fukuzawa’s gaze rose ever so slowly to meet Ranpo’s innocent gaze, and he shot him a disapproving glance. Ranpo only shrugged and pattered away to meet Poe, who’d put his head on his desk in second-hand embarrassment.


Lucy picked up the run-away sushi and held it up to Atsushi. “Want some scraps, stray kitty?”


“Why do you hate me so?”


Lucy laughed and pushed one of the floor sushi into his unsuspecting mouth. He froze mid-grimace, eyes squinting at her. “How dare you,” he mumbled around dusty rice.


“Sorry, what was that? I don’t speak cat.”


Atsushi pulled the sushi from his mouth and flung it at Lucy, hitting her square in the face. It stuck to her forehead and then slipped down over her nose and down one cheek, leaving a slimy trail in its wake. Eyes closed in disgust, she said nothing for a moment.


“Atsushi,” murmured Junichiro. “You are so dead.”


At first he laughed. But when Lucy’s eyes opened again and he saw the mischievous glint in them he jerked his head back. “Shit.”


“Run,” was all she said.






“Dazai-san, you’re going to get in trouble.”


Dazai tipped back another shot glass, wiped his mouth, and then turned to look down at Kyouka. “Why’s that, shortie?”


“Chuuya-san told you not to have a drinking contest with Yosano-sensei.”


“I’m not!”


“That’s exactly what you’re doing,” said Katai, walking up beside them, his own glass of sake in hand. “Your boy toy’s not gunna be very happy with you.”


“Boy toy,” Yosano snorted.


“Don’t tell me she’s drunk again already,” sighed Poe from the other end of the desk.


“Yosano, no!”


“C’mon, Kenji-kun, it’s fun! You should try it!”


“Yeah,” laughed Dazai, pouring another shot. “Here, cowboy. Try this on for size.”


“They’re underage!” Poe cried, hands in his hair. Karl scampered across the desk and used one little hand to push the shot glass away from Kenji. Dazai furrowed his brows, swatting the hand away.


“So what?” Yosano laughed. “So are Atsushi and Junichiro, but that’s not stopping them.”




“Take a look!”


They all followed where she pointed to, eyebrows shooting up at the sight of Atsushi and Junichiro standing at the food table with champagne flutes. Like deer caught in headlights they stared at the group, Junichiro’s glass overflowing into the chicken due to Atsushi becoming distracted while pouring.


“Atsushi!” Kunikida bellowed. “Tanizaki!”


As if in an old cartoon, the two stumbled over each other and seemingly stalled as they tried to run away, knocking over some melon and sending even more sushi on a doomed journey to an unwelcoming destination. AKA Lucy’s face… mayhaps.


“Get back here,” roared Kunikida, following the trail of spilled champagne and half-cocked giggling. For two teenaged boys, they sure did radiate the energy of dogs who know they shouldn’t have something in their mouths.


Kyouka giggled into her hand. “Boys will be boys.”


“The only version of that saying I will accept,” added Haruno, her glass full of non-alcoholic champagne.


“I’ll toast to that,” said Naomi.


Poe sunk deeper into his chair. “Naomi, you shouldn’t even be drinking at all!”






8:00 pm


Yosano: (obnoxiously loud) HEYYYYYYYYYY.


Kunikida: (sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose) What is it Akiko?


Yosano: we should play a game!


Junichiro: what kind of game?


Yosano: I dunno, a fun one!


Junichiro: Thanks, tips


Poe: (resting his chin on his desk) Do you have one in mind Akiko or are you just spewing drunken nonsense again?


Kenji: dammit not again


Yosano: No, no, I do, I do!


Poe: (skeptically) Okay, then what is it?


Yosano: it’s… uh…


Poe: (groans, puts his head back down)


Lucy: (to Atsushi) why is she like this?


Atsushi: (to Lucy) I wish I could tell you


Kyouka: (to Lucy and Atsushi) no one can answer that except Yosano. Or maybe Ranpo


Atsushi: (to Lucy and Kyouka) definitely Ranpo


Ranpo: (jumping up with sweets in his hand) I heard my name!


Fukuzawa: sit down Ranpo


Ranpo: I heard my naaaameee


Fukuzawa: no you didn’t


Lucy: (to Atsushi) I could ask the same question about him


Atsushi: (to Lucy) drunk Ranpo is amusing, I won’t lie


Junichiro: (To Atsushi and Lucy) the sad part is he’s not really drunk




Fukuzawa: no you didn’t


Katai: okay here’s a thought. Did anyone bring a game?


Junichiro: I have cards against humanity in my desk drawer


Yosano: (whining) we’ve played that so many times though


Junichiro: okay bitch doctor, what do you propose then?


Yosano: (shrugs)


Junichiro: could you be less helpful?


Yosano: (giggles) Yeah


Junichiro: I now understand Poe


Poe: Feel my pain


Dazai: (giggling like crazy, hanging off Kunikida) okay, okay, wait wait wait. I have an idea


Haruno: this sin’t going to end well, is it?


Naomi: no, definitely not


Dazai: c’mon, it’ll be fun!


Naomi: we’ll be the judge of that, thanks


Dazai: suit yourself, but my game is fun


Kunikida: (shoving Dazai off and then having to catch him as he nearly falls to the floor) mind telling us what it is then?


Dazai: (laughing as he looks up at Kunikida) whoops


Kunikida: (drops him)


Dazai: (rubbing his elbow) ow


Kunikida: (shrugs) yeah, well, that’s your own fault


Kenji: actually—


Kunikida: EH


Kenji: (eyes widen)


Atsushi: Dazai-san, are you going to tell us your game or not?


Dazai: oh yeah. You guys know what an oracle deck is?


Naomi: vaguely


Kyouka: kind of


Atsushi: I have no idea what that is


Kenji: an oral deck?


Junichiro: Kenji n—


Ranpo: yes


Junichiro: stop that


Ranpo: (sticks his tongue out at Jun)


Dazai: well my bad drunk explanation is that its cards that you ask a question and it gives you an answer


Lucy: I don’t see how that’s a game


Fukuzawa: even I don’t find that entertaining


Dazai: no no I haven’t gotten to the good part yet!


Kunikida: then get to it already


Dazai: so mean, Kunikida-kun


Kunikida: if you want to see mean, keep going


Dazai: (eyes him) fine. Instead of using an oracle deck to answer the questions, how about we use the cards against humanity deck


Katai: im listening


Dazai: when its your turn, ask a question, and then pick a card and read it and that’s the answer! Bam! Just like that!


Atsushi: oh god this is going to be interesting


Junichiro: (pulling the deck from his desk drawer) why do I feel like I’m going to regret this?


Kenji: probably because you will


Junichiro: yeah probably


Kyouka: it sounds interesting


Kenji: but scarring


Kyouka: but scarring


Kunikida: alright you hooligans, sit in a circle


Yosano: (slipping off the desk she sat on before) why not a square?


Kunikida: don’t test me


Yosano: but youre a math teacher


Kunikida: that… (takes a deep breath) that means I tested other people! And right now you’re testing my patience


Yosano: good


Lucy: I really hope someone locked the OR so Kunikida can’t access her tools


Junichiro: oh god please no


Kyouka: Kenji and I were the last ones in there


Kunikida: and di you lock the door?


Kenji: no…


Kunikida: perfect


Junichiro: (squeaks)


Yosano: do it, pussy


Kunikida: I… I can’t with you right now


Yosano: (imitates the face-- >:))


Fukuzawa: in what world is this a circle?


Dazai: (laughing) a drunk one


Fukuzawa: (tilts his head in agreement) I suppose so


Junichiro: (opening the box) alright… Dazai, do you want to go first since you came up with this monstrosity?


Dazai: hell yeah I do!


Junichiro: (slides the box across the circle) okay, start us off


Dazai: Okay


Kunikida: (side-eyeing him) Are you gunna tell us your question?


Dazai: yeah… How will this night end?


Poe: oh no


Dazai: (pulls a card, snickers) Solving problems with violence


Kunikida: (takes the box from Dazai) alright… How long is this going to last?


Katai: too long


Junichiro: (nods)


Kunikida: Chowder. What the fuck.


Ranpo: (takes the box) I wonder… Oh interesting box of naughty cards, what is irritating in life?


Lucy: that’s a little over the top


Atsushi: Ranpo just is over the top


Lucy: fair enough


Ranpo: Telling a shitty story that goes nowhere. Hey, Poe, it’s you!


Poe: (jaw drops) How dare you!


Junichiro: welp, RIP Ranpo


Lucy: RIP Poe’s self-esteem


Poe: why am I friends with you?


Ranpo: because you love me


Poe: right…


Ranpo: (passes the box to Fukuzawa) your turn ol’ dad of mine


Fukuzawa: (eyes him, torn between annoyed and amused) Okay Ranpo. My question is… Why is the sky blue?


Yosano: that one’s easy


Junichiro: no one cares


Yosano: why are you so mean to me today?


Junichiro: me! Kenji locked you up in the OR!


Kenji: she needed a timeout okay!


Yosano: im not a child!


Kenji: well you were acting like one!


Dazai: I don’t think kids act drunk


Kenji: (puffs out his cheeks)


Fukuzawa: The sky is blue because of critical thinking. Well, that wasn’t as funny as I was hoping it was gunna be.




Fukuzawa: (stares at her, startled)


Yosano: What should Kyouka have named her bunny?


Junichiro: (snorts) Socks


Kyouka: don’t make fun of her!


Junichiro: I can and I will


Kyouka: (reaches around Kenji and Atsushi to smack him, but misses, and hits Atsushi instead)


Atsushi: really Kyouka?


Kyouka: apparently


Junichiro: (snickers)


Yosano: Kyouka should’ve named her bunny… GETTING PEGGED


Kenji: well that’s not a good name for a bunny


Kyouka: (stares in horror)


Kunikida: please don’t ever take naming advice from Yosano


Yosano: it wasn’t me it was the cardssssss


Kenji: good thing my Mom didn’t ask her for help naming the twins


Lucy: I can see it now… tweedled dum and tweedled dummer


Poe: (shaking his head) No.


Lucy: (sticks her tongue out at him)


Poe: (takes the box) Let’s see… What’s waiting for me back in America?


Katai: this would be a great time to pull the AR-15 assault rifle card


Poe: (stares, horrified)


Lucy: U good there Edgar?


Poe: peachy


Naomi: if he pulls a card about fast food I’m gunna lose it


Haruno: (laughs)


Poe: Unfathomable stupidity…


Lucy: (bursts out laughing)


Poe: I mean… I guess I can’t really argue with that


Kunikida: (facepalms)


Kenji: I don’t get it


Atsushi: (pats him on the back)


Kenji: (scowls at him)


Katai: (pulls the box towards him) What are we going to eat tomorrow?


Dazai: (looks at the massacred food table) nothing. Ever again.


Kenji: (nods)


Haruno: pickles and chocolate candies


Kunikida: what is with you and the pickles??


Haruno: I’m pregnant and they’re yummy


Naomi: yeah Kunikida! Don’t knock her comfort foods


Haruno: you can complain when you’re carrying a baby and have to push it out your dick


All the guys in the room: (crosses legs)


Lucy: imagine if we were like seahorses


Poe: let’s not


Kunikida: for your sake, Kirako, I would


Haruno: and for your sake hun, let me do it


Kunikida: (looks away, puzzled)


Katai: Apparently we’re eating Oompa-Loompas tomorrow


Dazai: poor Oompa-Loompas


Katai: poor oompa-loompas? How about my poor mouth!


Atsushi: ew I don’t wanna eat a shrimp dick that’s Gin’s job!


Junichiro: (spit-takes)


Naomi: swallow like a good boy


Kenji: (chokes on water)


Kyouka: (pounds on his back)


Junichiro: (stares off into space with wide eyes)


Naomi: I regret nothing


Kunikida: you really should


Naomi: nope


Katai: (passes Jun the box)


Junichiro: right. What will happen on our next mission?


Atsushi: Oh god please don’t say guns


Kunikida: of all things you wish to not face, it’s guns??


Dazai: not a fucking flying whale?


Ranpo: or the decapitated head of a vampire?


Yosano: or Gin?


Atsushi: fair enough. Jun, what are we facing on our next mission?


Junichiro: (lets out a breath, trying not to laugh)


Poe: what is it?


Junichiro: a sad handjob


Naomi: it’s never sad!


Junichiro: NAOMI


Atsushi: well its better than nothing I guess


Junichiro: well who’s giving you that handjob, because its certainly not gunna be me!


Atsushi: idk some stranger at a gloryhole


Kenji: whats a gloryhole


Atsushi and Jun: NOT IT


Ranpo: it’s—


Fukuzawa: (slapping a hand over his mouth) nope


Kenji: (furrows his brows but laughs)


Kyouka: why? It sounds like a good thing


Dazai: oh it is


Kenji: what is it then?


Dazai: so you stick your dick through a hole and—


Kunikida: (stuffs the bottom of his jacket in his mouth) that’s enough


Kenji: what kind of hole does he mean…


Atsushi: you don’t want to know


Katai: (shaking his head slowly) nope you really don’t


Dazai: (scowling at Kunikida) youre no fun


Kunikida: neither is corrupting the children


Naomi: that’s your opinion


Haruno: (side-eyes her) stay away from my baby


Naomi: noooo I don’t mean ittttt


Atsushi: (takes the box) let’s see… hmm… Why does Katai sleep all day?


Katai: hey! I don’t sleep all day!


Kunikida: tell that to Yoshiko


Lucy: I still can’t believe he named his futon


Katai: well believe it Pippy Long-stocking


Lucy: (mocks him)


Yosano: why does Katai sleep all day?


Atsushi: crushing the patriarchy


Katai: see! Its for a good cause!


Kunikida: oh so now you don’t deny it!


Katai: shut your mouth


Kunikida: ill shut my mouth when I want to shut my mouth


Haruno: (teasing) shut your mouth


Kunikida: yes honey


Ranpo: (whip sound effect from his phone)


Poe: (laughs)


Kunikida: (glares, opens his mouth)


Haruno: (shakes her head)


Kunikida: (pouts)


Haruno: good boy


Naomi: I see the training is coming along well


Haruno: all thanks to Yosano




Yosano: every girl trains her guy a little bit


Junichiro: that’s not—oh my god SHE DOES


Kenji: (skeptically looks at Kyouka)


Kyouka: (leans her head back and side-eyes him)


Atsushi: good thing im gay