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Best Laid Plans

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Pinky was always ruining his plans. Mere days after they'd first met, the night before Brain had been planning to enact his plan to escape the lab in which they were contained, Pinky crept over to his bed, leaning his elbow on the side as he peered at Brain.

"Oy Brain! You've been tossing and turning all night. Counting sheep steppin' on your head?"

"If by 'counting sheep', you mean the existential troubles and logistical problems of being a mouse trapped in a cage, then metaphorically yes."

"Oooh, you use such big words," said Pinky. "Do you want to know the cure for not sleeping that I've figured out?"

"Does it involve sleeping?"

"Noooo. Cure first, sleeping comes after."

With trepidation in his heart, Brain nonetheless consented to be shown this 'cure'.

Pinky climbed into his bed. What he showed Brain made him blush to the tip of his tail. Afterwards, Brain slept so soundly that he completely missed his chance to escape.

The next night, Pinky came to his bedside again, forever ruining Brain's plans to leave.


Many plans for world domination later...

That very afternoon, Brain had stolen a fascinating device from some luckless scientist's pocket, and now stood on its shiny surface, tip-toeing across the keyboard.

Pinky clapped with delight to see Brain practically dancing across the flat, glowing device. "What fun! If you're Fred Astaire, can I play Ginger Rogers?" He jumped up beside Brain, who promptly shoved him off.

"No, Pinky!! Now look what you've done!"

Pinky's huge feet had typed 'MJNMK,M' into his text box, but thankfully hadn't managed to send the message yet. Brain jumped onto the Backspace key several times to erase the clumsy gaffe.

"This device isn't for dancing, it's for wireless communication and social networking."

"Social whatnow?" Said Pinky, rubbing his head where he'd hit it on the floor when he'd fallen.

Brain sighed. "Just watch, Pinky. And try not to ask too many stupid questions."

So Pinky watched Brain making posts and replies to his new supervillain friends, and listened carefully while he explained the concept of 'The Facebook'.

"Oooh, so everyone is there?"

"A certain percentage of the world's population, yes."

"That means... can we see Romy there?"

"Well, yes - I suppose. But I'm busy collaborating with other like-minded individuals on a plan to take over the world. You can see Romy later."

"Oh all right, Brain," Pinky sighed dramatically and sat down on the floor, stretching and wiggling his toes while Brain watched an informative video on hacking posted by Bad Horse.


Brain had to admit the genius of any design that even Pinky could grasp so easily. Within a few days Pinky had set up his own email account and Facebook profile, and had cajoled their son into trading virtual agricultural implements on Farmville.

Brain had to chase him away from his latest humourous chain letter in order to get anything done.

"You're a mouse, Pinky! Why on earth would you be amused by photographs of young predators?"

"Everyone loves kitten pictures, Brain! Zort!"

One night, Pinky managed to pull the device out early, and Brain found him propping it upright so he could play with the 'photo' feature. Pinky mugged and posed while the automatic delay snapped picture after picture, then laughed with delight to see each one displayed.

"This is the best thing ever, Brain!!" he crowed.

Brain thought later that he should have known better than to let himself step too close to such unbridled joy. Joy was like bordetella pertussis - airborne and infectious. A smile tugged unbidden at the corners of his mouth, and before he knew it, Pinky had pulled him into a kiss. Brain was rarely affectionate outside of the cozy privacy of their sawdust bed, but something about Pinky's exuberance melted Brain's usual stoic demeanour.

Giving in to the moment, Brain leaned in and kissed Pinky right back.

His plans for tonight could wait. Brain only just remembered to turn off the camera function and shove the phone away before he allowed Pinky to tug him into bed.


The next evening, after the scientists had left, Brain pulled the device out its hiding spot to find three notifications in his inbox - apparently Pinky had been able to sneak in some time online while he was asleep last night.

Snowball T. H. commented on your photo:
ROFLMAO!! I knew it!

Romy The Puppeteer commented on your photo:
LOL. Way to go Dads. It's about time you two came out of the closet.

Bad Horse commented on your photo:
I'm afraid your kind isn't welcome in our organization.

With his heart in his throat, Brain followed the link to this photo of his that he'd never heard of. Lo and behold, it was one of the ones Pinky has snapped yesterday. Their arms were wrapped around each other and their lips were locked. It was a proper smooch. Posted unfiltered on his wall where the whole world could see it.

Though Romy, Yakko and two others had liked it, fully half of Brain's friends had un-friended him.

Brain slapped his enormous forehead. How could he be so stupid! Then he counted to ten to try and get his blood pressure under control.

"Pinky!!" he called out.


Pinky sobbed while Brain deleted his all of his accounts and locked him out of the device with a password fifteen-digits long.

"No more Facebook, no more Farmville, no more ridiculous memes! You're officially committing online suicide!"

Pinky begged and pleaded, but to no avail. When Brain was finished, he tied the device to his back and rappelled down the window into the night.


His plan was finally ready. He didn't need the support of any of his former 'friends'. What good could such small minds do him anyhow?

Brain crept into the massive server room he'd been able to locate. It wasn't perfect, but it would suffice for his needs. He hooked his device up to the nearest port, and prepared to unleash the most massive virus the world had ever seen - a virus that infected, and self-proliferated through, kitten pictures and videos.

In a matter of days, it would be everywhere. When people tried to check their email, it would be full of kitten pictures. When they tried to watch a video or download a song, they'd get kittens instead. Blogs, twitter, facebook - kittens, kittens, kittens.

All kittens. All the time.

People would be so mesmerized by their adorable cuteness, they wouldn't even realize what he'd done until it was too late. Once the kittens took over, they would systematically shut everything down, leaving Brain with the only means of bringing it all back. It would be like having control of the last faucet to the world's only water supply.

Brain was about to engineer the downfall of the internet. Just as he'd cut Pinky off from his social networks, so would he cut off the world, and bring it to its knees before him.

As he readied the program, Brain found all he could think about was Pinky: Pinky's happy dance when he was able to 'friend' their son; his squeal of joy when he acquired his first ten followers on Twitter; his endless delight in the Nyan Cat and the rest of Youtube's endless silly offerings; and then, above all, the tears in Pinky's eyes when he realized he was about to lose this shiny new world he'd just discovered.

Brain couldn't do it. He couldn't do it to Pinky, and he couldn't do it to anyone else either. He unplugged his iPhone and went home.


Brain was still valiantly wrestling with the infernal device when Pinky woke up. It was too much to hope that he would ignore him - Pinky was terrible at holding grudges. Sure enough, he ambled over to see what Brain was up to.

"Ooooh, that's pretty," Pinky commented.

"Yes, urgh... I though you'd like it." Brain climbed up and started jumping up and down on the back of the device. Pinky hopped up and joined right in.

When they were finished, they stepped back to survey their handiwork. The device was now sheathed in a glossy white cover with a fanciful design of fruits and tiny Japanese cartoon characters.

"Does this mean I can use your iPhone again, Brain?" Pinky asked, joy twinkling in his eyes.

"Certainly not, Pinky. Mine is strictly off-limits." He gestured to the other iPhone that Pinky hadn't noticed, lying in the corner sans colourful case. "I've acquired this one for your use alone. I hope it proves satisfactory."

They turned it over. To Pinky's delight, his Facebook account had been reinstated. Their smooch was now his profile picture, and his status read 'in a relationship'.

"Oh Brain!!"

And once again, their exuberant kissing landed them straight back into bed.


As he lay in Pinky's arms, listening to the rise and fall of his companion's breath, Brain contemplated the hierarchy of his values.

Of all the things he'd ever wanted in his life, taking over the world has been his first and foremost desire. The tragedy of his existence lay in the fact that everything he needed to do on the path to world domination stood at a distant third to this: Pinky's arms... Pinky's breath... the smell of his soft white coat and the way that his innocent smile absolved him of everything, even the fact that Brain put him second.

There was no getting around it. No compromise. No choosing - at least not yet. Brain didn't know if he'd ever be ready for that.

Brain sighed and pressed a kiss to the place where Pinky's neck met his shoulder. "You always ruin my plans, Pinky," he told him quietly. Neither accusation nor compliment, it was simply a statement of fact.

Pinky wrapped his tail around Brain's waist and murmured "Zort," or something of the like.

His world now intact, Brain let rest the overtaxed organ for which he was named, and drifted off to sleep.