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Ask Uni-Man

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Q72. Dear Axe Cop,
How can you be married to Abraham Lincoln and to Sockarang at the same time? I think you should only be married to Sockarang so that you can have axe-a-rang babies. But that is just me. If you are in love with Abraham Lincoln, you should be together. — Anonymous

Axe Cop is not here. It is his birthday for a month. He is too busy eating cake to answer your questions.

If you are wondering whether the cake has a candle of him on top, the answer is yes. That is his favorite food.

If you are wondering how I knew you were wondering whether Axe Cop's cake has a candle of Axe Cop, the answer is because I am so smart. I can know things even when I am not there to see them happen. My uni-smart powers make me able to know stuff.

If you are wondering whether that means I am Uni-Man, the answer is you are right, I am Uni-Man and I am answering Axe Cop's Ask Axe Cop mail. It is a favor to him. We are friends.

Now I will answer the question you wrote to Axe Cop. How can he be married to Abraham Lincoln and also to Sockarang? Some other people might have that question too. It is good to answer it now so that people will save their stamps and not write to Axe Cop about his marriages he does not have.

By the way everyone should be careful with stamps because some of them are fake stamps from the Bad Guy Fake Post Office and when you lick the back you can get poisoned! The only way to cure it is to drink a Good Guy Stamp Potion and then licking your Bad Guy Fake Stamps will turn them into good stamps. The good stamps have a picture of a puppy that says LOVE. The puppy has lasers coming out of its eyes like Ralph Wrinkles. This is how you can tell the potion worked.

If you are wondering how to get Good Guy Stamp Potion, the answer is at the Potion Store. It costs 1 dollar.

To answer your important question: Axe Cop is not married to Sockarang. You might think this is good news for all the human girls who love Sockarang and want to go on dates with him all the time, but you would be wrong. Sockarang is in love with someone else. He is in love with The Best Fairy Ever. He will not date any human girls and he will not marry Axe Cop. Axe Cop would only wish for Sockarang to turn into a girl and marry him if Sockarang and Axe Cop are both interested in that when they are very old. Did you see the picture of Sockarang and Axe Cop and their babies they could have? Did you see Axe Cop's very long beard? That can only happen when they are very, very, very old. Axe Cop is not that old yet and he has a moustache without a beard.

If you are thinking this solves everything and now Axe Cop can just be married to Abraham Lincoln, you are still wrong. Abraham Lincoln has not turned into ABRAHAM LINCOLN: EXPLOSION GOD. There are still bad guys out there, trying to get into my invisible hideout. I can see them on my security monitors. They are feeling around trying to find the invisible doorknob. Do not worry, they are stupid bad guys and will never get in.

Axe Cop answers your questions the best he can, but he is a man of action, not of words. He did not mean to make you think he did wish for Abraham Lincoln to turn into a girl and be his wife. He was saying that is what he would do if he met Abraham Lincoln. It has not happened. Even though I was not there when he answered the question, I know because I am so smart. By the power of my unicorn horn and all the horns I used to have all over my body that I absorbed to make me strong, I am the smartest.

Axe Cop is not married to anybody. He will never fall in love. He has to work all day and all night. A cat suit is not a tuxedo. A wedding could just not happen. Axe Cop is too busy.


Q73. Dear Uni-Man, I'm glad to hear that Axe Cop is not married to Sockarang and does not have axe-a-rang babies. Axe Cop is bad at taking care of babies. He is the worst babysitter. Why would you let him babysit Uni-Baby? I thought you were the smartest! You should know better! — Anonymous

Axe Cop is a good influence on Uni-Baby. Every good guy wants to be on Axe Cop's team. Some babies might not be strong enough to keep up with Axe Cop and Dinosaur Soldier or to survive being babysat by cyborg versions of them. You have to remember that Uni-Baby is not an Earth baby! She is tough and powerful. She can survive explosions. She was thrown from space to the Earth and she landed just fine. She comes from Uni-Smart World and she is my daughter! Uni-Baby is stronger than you can ever imagine.

The other thing you have to remember is that Uni-Baby is a girl. That means when she grows up, she will be either a teacher, or the president. Those are both very important jobs. To be ready to do those jobs when she grows up, Uni-Baby needs to have the best training while she is still a baby. Even going to fighting school and learning from Sockarang's dad will not prepare her to be the greatest president or the number-one teacher.

There is one other reason why Axe Cop is my babysitter. He only charges $15 for two days of babysitting. That is what I call a reasonable price.

Q74. I am the same person who asked the question you just answered. Why do you let Axe Cop and Dinosaur Soldier take away Uni-Baby's horn? Don't you think that is selfish of them? — Anonymous

A unicorn horn is a very big responsibility. Not everyone can handle it. Axe Cop's team has to be careful who keeps unicorn horn powers, otherwise a bad guy like Dr. Stinky Head can get the horns and use them for evil.

When Uni-Baby is old enough to drive a car, we will let her keep her horn full-time. Until then, she does not mind sharing with Dinosaur Soldier. He is her friend. He is not selfish and uses his wishes from the unicorn horn only to defeat bad guys and make awesome stuff happen.

If you are wondering what kind of car Uni-Baby will drive when she is old enough, it will not be a normal car, it will be a tank that can go underwater and can also fly. It will have pictures of unicorns on the side. I will buy it for her from Tank Planet. Every part of it will cost 1 dollar.

Q75. Dear Uni-Man, You used to have all the horns but now you have only one horn. Do you ever miss being Super Uni-Man? — Anonymous

It is true that as Super Uni-Man I had horns all over my body. They stuck out from my clothes. I could shoot them at the bad guys. There was even a horn growing out of my belly button.

What you do not understand is that I can grow those horns back whenever I want. I only want one horn except for when I fight, but I do not fight as much as some of Axe Cop's team. I spend most of my time doing other things which are:

Unlike Axe Cop I am a family man and I have quality time with my family. With horns sticking out of my shoulders and back, I could not give good piggyback rides.

Q76. Will you give me a piggyback ride? — Anonymous

Yes, if you are a good guy.

Q77. Will you keep answering questions forever or only until Axe Cop's birthday is over? — Anonymous

I am not going to answer any more questions at all. I will be late for Axe Cop's birthday party. It is the best party ever and I do not want to miss the dead bad guy pinata.

If you are wondering whether you have time to ask whether the party will last for a whole month, the answer is no, you do not have time to ask, since I am leaving now.

Until next time,

Uni-Man, for Axe Cop