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The Opposite of Chloe

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Chloe wonders what she would have done if that X-Files reject of a plant had sneezed on her and turned her into the anti-Chloe. Lana's whiff got her in serious touch with her inner bad girl and in the way of bad girls the world over she dug deep into her closet until she hit her secret stash of tight shirts, short skirts, and black leather boots. Then the homecoming queen turned amateur porn star and went prowling through the streets of Smallville, making passes at anything in a pair of pants. Up to and including Clark Kent.

When Clark told her about Lana's swimming pool strip tease, Chloe wanted to force feed her a few pompoms. The really annoying thing is Chloe can't entirely fault Lana for jumping Clark because there's a good chance Chloe would have done the same thing, cornered him in his barn and rubbed up against him like an experiment in static cling, shoved her hands in his hair and kissed him until he started to like it. But as far as she can tell, that's more or less what she did the last time she was mind-altered. Minus the him liking it part. And she's not convinced she could actually kiss him long enough that he would like it. She has a feeling her lips would wear out before that happened. So it's a case of been there, done that, twice now. And Chloe won't deny her glee at having been the first to kiss Clark back in eighth grade but she could have lived without all the Smallville mutants stirring things up again. Just because she still wants to kiss him doesn't mean she wants to kiss him. These mutants have no grasp of subtlety.

Exhibit A: Clark's dependable father got a noseful of flower power and turned into several of the more unpleasant dwarfs, including Lazy, Gropey, and Hungry. Chloe appreciates a nap as much as the next guy but it's not something she wants to dedicate her life to. Chloe's all about moderation. As long as you define moderation as the inability to do any one thing longer than five minutes at a time.

Pete complains that her mood swings and subject changes make her a fine candidate for Ritalin but considering how much he's been repressing in the deep dark creamed-corn recesses of his soul he's certainly no one to talk about needing professional help. Pete's hidden desires scare the crap out of her. One moment he's telling her how pretty she is and the next he's got a gun pointed at her. Those two things will never be separate in her mind and even if Pete swears he doesn't remember, she always will. There are good reasons why hidden desires should stay hidden.

Chloe doesn't have any hidden desires. Chloe knows what she wants. She wants to go to Columbia University. She wants to work for the New York Times and have a wall full of Pulitzers. She wants a red and white 1961 Corvette convertible with leather interior. It's nothing she can't get with a lot of hard work and she's fully prepared to work her butt off.

She knows she could even win over Clark eventually, if there weren't things like Clark in the way. Clark with his drink-milk smile. Clark in his flannel and jeans with his hair that never seems to be going in the same direction he is. It's totally possible she could convince him into a hand-holding, movie-going, making-out-instead-of-studying type of relationship. And Clark would go along with it because he wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, but eventually he'd start to drop not-subtle hints that he was unhappy, spend pathetic hours staring after Lana, repeat things that Lex said to him about commitment and the human animal's genetic predisposition towards multiple mates as a way of advancing the species Lex Lex Lex King Solomon and his 700 wives. And Chloe could act extra-super clueless and Clark would sigh and think he wasn't being obvious enough, and Chloe would hate both of them. She doesn't want to do that.

Chloe already does what she wants. She's got Clark's friendship, as distracted as it sometimes is. She's got the Torch and a good shot at a summer internship at the Planet. She's even got a couple thousand dollars squirreled away in her savings. That Corvette will be hers, it's just a matter of time. Chloe doesn't need any intervention, divine, mutant, or otherwise, to get what she wants.