Work Header

Not Quite a Home Run

Work Text:

As Bussan closes the door to his room, he hears the next one over open. He quickly ducks his head, but isn't expecting the voice he hears, and it makes him instantly freeze up.

"Mou... I'll just go home then." Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Mouko pout, scuff her boot on the carpet, and turn toward the elevator. Bussan is lucky that she doesn't see him standing there, but the figure who follows after does.

"Bussan," Bambi hisses, peering out through the crack in the doorway. Mouko is at the elevator now and doesn't hear him (to say that would make for an awkward situation is an understatement), but Bussan still reflexively silences his breath and tries to blend into the wallpaper.

As soon as the elevator door closes, Bambi bolts out the door and, holding Bussan by the collar shoves him up against the wall. "What are you doing here?" he accuses. "Did you follow us?"

"Why would I follow--" Bussan starts in protest, but then it dawns on him. "Oh, wait, did you do it?"

"What?" Bambi splutters and drops his hand."I mean, yeah. Totally." His face doesn't look half as convincing as his words. "Of course we did it."

"You liar." Bussan relaxes a little. He's had a strange enough night as it is and isn't exactly ready for such revelatory news.

"No, seriously!"

"Then why didn't you leave together?"

"Oh..." Bambi's brow furrows for a moment like he's thinking up an answer. Bussan wants to laugh at how ridiculous he looks. "She had somewhere she had to be..."

"So how was it, then?" Bussan presses, his tone obviously disbelieving.

Bambi shrugs. "It was pretty good. She was totally into it."

"What color were her panties?"

"Why should I tell you that?!"

"I'm fact-checking."

"They were, uh..."

"You would know this if you actually banged her... How about the boobs?"

"The boobs?"

"Mouko's boobs. How did they feel?"

"I--" Bambi starts, eyes darting from the floor and back to the ceiling. "Okay, fine, I don't know. We didn't have sex. It didn't feel right. The bed was facing the wrong way."

"Are you serious?!" Bussan practically explodes. "I've had enough of this!"


"You need to do it already!"

"It doesn't concern you!"

"I'm dying! I've only got a few more months to live! I can't die while you're still a virgin! This is really inconsiderate of you to keep me waiting. I put it on my bucket list and everything!" He isn't even being hyperbolic.

Bambi flops his arms in exasperation, but Bussan isn't going to let him go this easily. "Get in here," he growls and drags Bambi into the room by the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He's actually surprised that Bambi didn't come in his kimono, considering this was meant to be a rather momentous occasion for him. Maybe Bambi is getting a little cooler, after all.

Once they're inside, he pushes Bambi down until he's sitting on the edge of the bed. "Why didn't you do it with her?" he hounds. Bambi's eyes are wide like he thinks Bussan's gone insane.

"The atmosphere wasn't right. I told you, it was unlucky... The pillows were on the wrong side of the bed--"

"You were worried about the pillows? Idiot! Don't you watch any porn? C'mon. Lie down on the bed."


"On the bed." Bambi gives Bussan a sidelong glance but lies back against the pillows anyway. As much as he complains, he always reluctantly indulges Bussan's whims. Bussan quirks a smile and climbs on top of him.

"Can you see out the window now?" he asks. "Do you know which direction we're facing?"

"No, you're blocking it," Bambi mutters, and Bussan can feel his breath against his cheek. "This is weird," Bussan continues. "You're too close..."

"That's sex!" Bussan exclaims in frustration. "Just you, and the girl, and all the really good feelings--" He starts to rock his hips against Bambi's groin. He can feel Bambi's heart beating very fast.

Bambi yelps. "You're still horny! Get off me!" He shoves Bussan off the bed and Bussan lands on the floor with a thump.

"Ouch!" he moans dramatically.

Bambi rolls his eyes. "You still didn't tell me why you're here. Did you have a girl here? Or were you just here..." He gestures back at the bed, "alone..."

"No!" Bussan argues. "Of course I had a girl! But she wasn't my type."

"So you're allowed to turn down sex but if I do it's some kind of crime?"

"I'm dying! I'm allowed to do whatever the hell I want!"

"Stop saying that."

"Okay, fine. You don't have to use me--"

"I wouldn't want to," Bambi counters immediately.

"We can make Mouko."


"Here, this--" Bussan holds up a pillow. "--is Mouko's body."

Bambi grimaces. "Looks nothing like it."

"These are her boobs." He puts two tea cups upside down in the center of the pillow. "Now go for it."

"I'm not doing that."

"Stop being such a virgin!"

"I'm not going to have sex with a pillow!!"

"Just... try out some moves." Bussan makes a vague gesture in the air like squeezing a baseball.

Bambi gives him a flat look. "I'm not going to fondle a tea cup."

"You have no imagination," Bussan says with a sigh. "Here, watch me." He moves to the bed and straddles the pillow, then, he gently caresses the rim of the cup before pressing his lips to the ceramic surface.

"Ah-- cold." His shoulders hitch and he sits up. "Well, you get the idea. If you do that Mouko will really like it."

"How would you know what Mouko would like?!" Bambi shouts, and Bussan freezes a moment, but the question isn't pressed and Bambi continues: "This is dumb!"

"You need to learn these things or you'll never have the confidence to do it. Do you want to still be a virgin at my funeral?"

"Don't say things like that," Bambi replies, his voice turning cold and his forehead creasing. Lately Bambi's seemed sensitive about everything, which Bussan doesn't remotely understand; he's not the one with cancer. Bussan doesn't like it. He just wants to have fun in these last few months.

"Then make love to Mouko!" Bussan replies cheerfully, trying to change the atmosphere. He points to the pillow on the bed.

"I'm never buying you beer again!" comes the grumpy reply, but Bambi obediently climbs onto the bed and lies down awkwardly next to the makeshift Mouko.

"You don't even seem interested. Show more love. Are you even interested in her?"

"I'm interested in the real Mouko!"

"Are you? But you haven't banged her! Are you sure you're interested in girls? Are you sure you're not interested in me?" He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"Stop being so horny!"

The train of thought in Bussan's mind screeches to a stop. "Ah... sorry." He distractedly picks up the remote and switches on the TV. He skims past some music program with a boyband in terrible neon outfits, a news report about a robbery in Chiba City, and a primetime family drama before settling on the adult video channel.

"This should give you some good pointers," Bussan suggests.

"I know--- things!!" Bambi spits helplessly. "I know what people do! This is completely unnecessary."

"Consider it my legacy," Bussan says, voice growing earnest. "I'm educating you. Here," he adds, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 'Mouko' is jostled by the movement and one of the tea cups slides off onto the blanket. He hands Bambi a condom. "Put this on."

"Excuse me?"

"You need to learn how to use one."

"I'm not doing that now."

"But you have to practice or she'll get pregnant like Master's wife!" Bambi gets a strange glazed-over look in his face like Ozzy he does after too many beers. "Stop thinking it'd be cute! You'd have to marry her..." The look only intensifies, Bambi's mouth splitting into a stupid grin. "Stop thinking that'd be a good thing! I won't let that happen to you! Not while you're still in your prime!"

He slides over next to Bambi. The other tea cup falls off the pillow and hits the first one with a clink. On the television, the woman has started crying out. "I can help you put it on, if you like," Bussan says. A smirk starts playing at the corner of his mouth.

"How are you still horny?!" Bambi's mouth has changed from a grin into a hardened line.

"What, do you want me to masturbate right here? It's not going to just go away..."

"You could go in the bathroom..." Bambi suggests, rolling his eyes like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Bussan scrunches up his mouth. "I feel like that might make our friendship awkward..."

"And this isn't already awkward? Bussan, you just offered to put a condom on me."

"I offered to teach you!"

"That doesn't change anything!"

On the television, the scene has cut away to a new one where two girls are blindfolded, their hands bound behind their backs. Bambi crinkles his nose. "Can you turn that off? It's making you weird. And I really don't see how that--" he gestures to the screen, "--is supposed to help me any."

"You're right..." Bussan agrees, and reluctantly switches off the television. "That might be a little much for Mouko's first time..."

"Her what?"

"I mean, yours," Bussan corrects.

Bambi cocks his head to the side. "That's not what you said."

"I just heard it might be her first time."


"Okay, fine, so she told me."

"And you really didn't do anything with her?" Bussan can see Bambi's fists clench and twist into the blanket.

"I promise!"

"Because I'll kill you--" Bambi's fingers dig into his palm.

"I swear I didn't! I wouldn't do that to our friendship!" Bussan stresses. That might not have been his exact reason for not doing anything with Mouko but it sounded good to say now.

A moment passes, and then finally Bambi says, "I'm surprised..."

"Hey!" Bussan squawks. "I can control myself!"

"Not about that, I mean that she hasn't-- that she's-- I didn't expect that."

"But isn't that good? It means you can share it together."

Bambi smiles at that. Bussan thinks he looks super cheesy, but a part of him feels jealous. "You know," Bambi says, putting a hand on Bussan's shoulder, "you would actually make a pretty good coach," he says.

Bussan smiles too. "That would be impossible," he says quietly. His knee brushes Bambi's and he leans in closer.

"Are you still horny?" Bambi asks hesitantly.

"I can't help it!" Bussan replies guiltily.

Bambi narrows his eyes. "I'm not some girl. You should go find one if you're that desperate."

"It's not so simple to just go find a girl. You're lucky you have Mouko. It's hard to meet someone when you're dying."

"You're not going to die," Bambi asserts, suddenly very serious. A moment hangs in the air where they both look at each other and Bussan isn't sure how to respond.

Then Bambi smiles again and says, "I won't let it happen."


* Extra Inning *

As Bussan and Bambi come out of the elevator at the lobby, their arms slung over each other's shoulders, they're too busy laughing at some joke to even notice that they're being stared at.

"EHHHHH?!?!" comes a voice, and both Bussan and Bambi turn their heads to see Ucchie standing there with his – girlfriend? No one's really sure. "B-b-bussan," Ucchie stutters. He points a finger at the place where Bambi is clutching at his shoulder, his fingers grazing Bussan's neck. "I-I didn't know you were--"

"Stop, stop," Bussan starts in, pulling away from Bambi. "It isn't what you think. We were just bonding as men."

"That makes it sound even worse," Bambi interjects.

"I mean I was just teaching him about sex."

"You're digging yourself a hole," Bambi mutters, completely deadpan.

"We both happened to be here..."

"Stop talking!" Bambi grumbles, his voice inexplicably jumping an octave. "I have nothing to do with this."

Ucchie just smiles his broad, hapless smile. "Don't worry," he says in a hushed whisper, and gives Bussan and Bambi a thumbs up. "Your secret's safe with me."