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The F**cking Movie Never Motherf**cking Ends

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Fuck this shit. 9/25/11 6:31:40 PM

All the infinite Chicagos in all the infinite fucking universes and I had to end up here watching the Bears lose to FUCKING GREEN BAY AGAIN. 9/25/11 6:39:22 PM

Soldier Field, you are a fucking factory of sadness. 9/25/11 6:47:10 PM

There goes three fucking hours of my life I'll never get back. Might as well just aimlessly ride around on the Orange Line with my cock out. 9/25/11 6:59:34 PM

Seven months stuck over here. Every week I kill a few hours on the L, going nowhere, in and out, just back fucking and forth to Midway. 9/25/11 7:06:43 PM

Now that I don't have to hand-shake and dick-palm all over the place, hanging out at CTA stations is a lot less fucking painful. 9/25/11 7:10:56 PM

But, no matter what the destination sign says, that fucking Orange Line never takes me all the way to Ford City, not even in this dimension. 9/25/11 7:14:23 PM


Expected a lot more shit to be more fucked in the alternate universe. You know, mirror Axelrod with an evil goatee instead of his mustache. 9/25/11 8:53:02 PM

At least I've got some money. That last day, Daley told me the real secret of the fucking parking meter deal. Called it the Mayor's Code. 9/25/11 9:02:45 PM

Write "03/04/1837" on a scrap of paper and slide it in the credit card slot. Turns the pay box into a sweet fucking riverboat slot machine. 9/25/11 9:05:26 PM

Just make sure you have an empty fuck-it bucket of chicken to catch all the quarters. 9/25/11 9:07:21 PM

No fucking idea who ended up mayor over here. I fucking pray it isn't Chico. City hasn't burned to the ground again, so probably not. 9/25/11 9:09:25 PM

Walked by City Hall a few times. When I'm close, all I can hear is this roaring buzz saw. Won't fucking stop until I get to South La Salle. 9/25/11 9:14:17 PM

I miss my goddamn friends. That part chokes balls. It helps to think of them happy, on the other side of the fucking time vortex. 9/25/11 9:19:08 PM

A sweet crony appointment for Quaxelrod to the Park District Board of Commissioners. Carl the Intern sneaking Hambone into Bulls games. 9/25/11 9:27:40 PM

Axelrod's mustache already writing the shit out of Barack's second inaugural. 9/25/11 9:35:06 PM

As long as they're happy there, it doesn't matter so much that I'm fucking stuck here. Shit fuck, I'm turning into a fucking Hallmark card. 9/25/11 9:38:01 PM

Chico better not be the fucking mayor. I would rather castrate myself with safety scissors than live in a universe with Mayor Dong Choke. 9/25/11 9:42:51 PM


I still want to fuck Chris Spencer in his face mask, but I leave the train at Washington/Wells and cross over to exit onto Madison. 9/25/11 11:47:38 PM

Let me tell you a secret: there's a glitch in the time vortex. On the corner of La Salle and Madison. It's a fucking fax machine at Kinko's. 9/25/11 11:56:25 PM

Taped to the fax machine is a sign that says OUT OF ORDER - SERVICE REQUESTED 11/5/02. But some of Plouffe's faxes manage to get through. 9/25/11 11:58:52 PM

Fax from Plouffe: "Need to talk NATO/G8 plans, less than 9 months to go." Hope the other me faxed back a cock shot with double birds. 9/26/11 12:05:18 AM

Here's a theory: the time vortex was caused by an implosion of infinite Plouffes constantly time traveling from 1991 to send fucking FAXES. 9/26/11 12:11:27 AM

Fucking seriously, sometimes I miss my fucking friends so much it feels like I slammed my cock in the door of the Civic. 9/26/11 12:29:43 AM


MGD and an entire fucking plate of hash browns at Schaller's, just all that's fucking left for me at this point. 9/26/11 11:33:46 PM

Axelrod used to say Daley once tried to fuck a Schaller's butt steak sandwich. I always called bullshit. Now I just wish Axelrod was here. 9/26/11 11:47:03 PM

Next table over, guy says, "I don't fucking know, what's on tap for someone who shitcanned himself on TV tonight?" Hey, it's Ozzie Guillen. 9/26/11 11:49:27 PM

Ozzie takes my advice. Hash browns and MGD: The "My Life's in the Shitcan" Special. His goatee's trembling, guy looks fucking miserable. 9/26/11 11:58:01 PM

So, look, I could give a shit about baseball, but Barack fucking loved those fucking White Sox. 9/27/11 12:01:56 AM

The whole first week of April, if you wanted to get his attention you had to start all your sentences with "Mark Buehrle's fastball ..." 9/27/11 12:03:47 AM

Mark Buehrle's fastball has more velocity than this G-20 summit itinerary. Mark Buehrle's fastball wants to talk nuclear disarmament. 9/27/11 12:06:21 AM

Mark Buehrle's fastball has been up in the zone but not like these fucking 8.5% unemployment numbers, don't you agree? 9/27/11 12:08:44 AM

So I tell Ozzie that Mark Buehrle's fastball, we should fucking jam it up Kenny Williams' uretha. Ozzie finally cracks a smile. 9/27/11 12:11:25 AM

We're doing shots of Johhnie Walker and Ozzie's teaching me how to swear in Venezuelan! 9/27/11 12:47:38 AM

Hey Jerry Reinsdorf: ¡Coño de la madre! Pa el chivo que más mea, tienes güevo pequeñito. Also motherfuck you in your motherfucking facehole. 9/27/11 12:59:58 AM


Got kicked out of Schaller's, but Ozzie took the bottle of Johnny Walker and we're sitting next to the Dan Ryan, passing it back and forth. 9/27/11 2:52:29 AM

Listening to Ozzie just fucking go off on the White Sox is like listening to Mozart compose Symphony No. 40: a motherfucking master at work. 9/27/11 3:26:11 AM

"Fuck them, fuck their mothers, fuck their sisters, fuck their mothers' sisters. I hope they get fucked by their mothers' sisters' dogs." 9/27/11 3:34:29 AM

"Fuck 'em in their mother-fucked faces, and then fuck 'em again in the motherfucking ear." Sing it, Ozzie, you fucking beautiful bastard. 9/27/11 3:42:31 AM

Oh, fuck no, now Ozzie's crying. "They shit on you, do you get to shit back? No, you say, 'Thank you, thank you for this shit sandwich.'" 9/27/11 4:00:02 AM

"They love you, then they fuck you. Get fucked for a living but it's not about the money? That is some fucking Pretty Woman bullshit." 9/27/11 4:02:24 AM

Holy shit, Ozzie's got a Bic lighter and his World Series ring. Says he's going to melt it down for gold and sell it like a tooth filling. 9/27/11 4:05:19 AM

"Go to Miami. Buy a fucking boat. Those assholes, they'll shit on me, too. But I'll have fucking four million dollars and a fucking boat." 9/27/11 4:10:44 AM

Ozzie grabs me by the chin so we're eye to eye. There's a red-hot half-melted World Series ring dangerously close to my fucking eye socket. 9/27/11 4:12:35 AM

"Fuck this city. Chicago wants to fuck you? Don't fucking take it, get the fuck out of town. Fuck Chicago." 9/27/11 4:15:56 AM

And it's hard to believe he means it. With our faces smashed together, I can see his eyes are wet. But one more "fuck it" and Ozzie's gone. 9/27/11 4:18:05 AM


Mark Buehrle's fastball, it breaks your heart. It is designed to break your motherfucking heart. 9/27/11 5:31:00 AM

You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive. 9/27/11 5:34:48 AM

Then just when the days are all twilight, when you fucking need it most, it stops. And you're alone next to the Dan Ryan with the rats. 9/27/11 5:37:23 AM

And, yeah, sometimes I think about leaving Chicago, but what the fuck am I going to do? Crawl back into the shit-smeared sewer system of DC? 9/27/11 5:39:11 AM

Buena suerte, Ozzie. Chicago may be a shitfest, but it's my fucking shitfest. There just isn't anywhere else for me. 9/27/11 5:58:42 AM

Make no mistake, though, I will burn this entire fucking shitfest to the ground if I don't get some coffee right this fucking minute. 9/27/11 6:31:47 AM


Looks like that fucking douche canoe Blago put his house on the market. 10/4/11 4:49:45 PM

Who needs a house in Ravenswood Manor when you're locking down a ten-year lease on a fucking federal prison cell in Terra Haute, right? 10/4/11 5:01:34 PM

New theory: the time vortex was caused by Blago trying to shake down an alternate version of himself, imploding the fucking multiverse. 10/4/11 5:03:11 PM

Fuck these Dan Ryan rats, I'm going to crash at Blago's empty house for a couple days. Not like that shithouse rat doesn't fucking owe me. 10/4/11 5:46:23 PM

Pat Quinn should have used that one: "Elect me and every resident of Illinois will get to take a free shit on Rod Blagojevich's house." 10/4/11 6:13:33 PM


Every stupid fucker in Ravenswood Manor thinks it's safe to leave the back door unlocked, like high property values are a magic force field. 10/4/11 7:37:38 PM

This place is about as fucking creepy as you'd expect. There's a triptych of those knock-off Warhol portraits over the mantle. 10/4/11 7:49:54 PM

Of course the knock-off Warhol portraits are all Blago. Who'd you fucking expect, fucking Phil Jackson? Shit is going to give me nightmares. 10/4/11 7:52:58 PM


I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of dicks, but there's no food in the cupboards, the pantry's empty, just fucking nothing. 10/4/11 8:36:24 PM

The only thing in the fridge is a Waterford crystal cake stand. Under the dome, there's a single unwrapped Beef Wennington. 10/4/11 8:38:04 PM

Either that's a 13-year-old burger or Blago has a racket on discontinued McDonald's menu items. I'm fucking starving, so I'm about find out. 10/4/11 8:40:31 PM

Pickles, onions, mustard, barbecue sauce. American cheese, sweet fucking Canadian bacon. Damn, they don't make 'em like this anymore. 10/4/11 9:00:52 PM

Fucking delicious, but I'd bet the other half of my finger stump this ground beef is from the second term of the Clinton administration. 10/4/11 9:17:56 PM

The Blago portraits are smirking at me like dong-stomping Playboy Bunny triplets, with massive domes of hair in DayGlo neon. 10/4/11 9:22:38 PM

Okay, I might have food poisoning, but that's just how they fucking look. Pop art is such a shit smear on the history of postmodernism. 10/4/11 9:40:29 PM


Wake up on the couch and I feel like I got fucked in the colon. The room is dark except for the soft glow of the television. 10/5/11 12:46:29 AM

I don't remember turning on the TV, but I know exactly what I'm watching. It's the 1998 NBA Finals. Game 6 in fucking Salt Lake. 10/5/11 12:49:14 AM

I try to sit up. My colon tries to shit itself. Start of the fourth, Jazz are up five. The picture is fuzzy, Costas' voice is like AM radio. 10/5/11 12:59:55 AM

The rotten beef sinks like a brick in my stomach. What if this is the parallel dimension where Stockton makes that fucking three? 10/5/11 1:06:45 AM

Then, there's a voice in the darkness. "Stockton never makes that fucking three. Not ever. Some things are fucking universal constants." 10/5/11 1:17:44 AM


MJ sits down on the couch. He's wearing a sweat-soaked jersey and Hanes jockey shorts. He points at the TV. "This was the perfect ending." 10/5/11 1:25:47 AM

"This is how they want to remember me. If this was a movie, you'd roll the fucking credits right here." MJ stops talking and we both watch. 10/5/11 1:28:21 AM

On the screen, it's all just like I remember: the steal, the cross-over, that beautiful fucking wide-open jumper, slow-mo even in real time. 10/5/11 1:31:56 AM

I've got chills. MJ shakes his head. "There's no such thing as a perfect ending. If something was perfect, why the fuck would it ever end?" 10/5/11 1:33:01 AM

On the screen, Michael's celebrating, and when he jumps in the air it's as good as any grand jeté you'd ever see at the Joffrey Ballet. 10/5/11 1:37:12 AM

"Fade to black is just a way to close your eyes and pretend. I came back and played two more seasons with the Wizards. So fucking what?" 10/5/11 1:39:22 AM

"Little bitches who say they went out on a high note are kidding themselves. I went out kicking and screaming. I didn't fucking want to go." 10/5/11 1:42:37 AM

I turn on the couch to look at MJ. I look right at him and he fucking looks right back at me and we both know exactly what I want to ask. 10/5/11 1:45:32 AM

"Of course the push-off on Russell was a foul. I told you, this isn't a fucking movie." The TV goes snowy, and then it just goes dark. 10/5/11 1:47:58 AM


Sweet motherfucking fuck do I need some fucking coffee right the motherfuck now. 10/5/11 8:38:27 AM

I know last night was just a dream but then why is there barbecue sauce all over my shirt? Only the three Blagos know. 10/5/11 9:20:43 AM

I can't stay here. This house smells like a Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet: hustled money and fucking loneliness. 10/5/11 10:35:56 AM


Beloved fucking coffee, it is not even motherfucking hyperbole to say you are the only fucking friend I have in this world. 10/11/11 10:11:47 AM


David Stern, you are such a fucking incompetent cockhole I can't believe I never had to run against you in a mayoral election. 10/11/11 12:50:22 PM

Oh yeah, Stern's already the mayor of New Fucking Ruining Everything City. Probably a fucking residency conflict. 10/11/11 12:58:43 PM

Fax from Plouffe at Kinko's: Other me is "studying the water tax"? Fucking sweet, finally turning Michigan Ave into a giant water slide. 10/11/11 1:09:56 PM

Probably needs the water slide for the Bulls championship parade route in June. Double birds to this universe. This entire fucking UNIVERSE. 10/11/11 1:17:28 PM


Been camping out in Grant Park since I left Blago's house. Your fucking tax dollars at work, bitches. 10/11/11 6:26:10 PM

Got a satellite TV so I can flip back and forth between the Republican debate and WWE Raw re-runs on cable. Basically the same fucking show. 10/11/11 6:30:19 PM

Let me get this straight: Cain's fucking serious about this 9-9-9 bullshit but fucking ROMNEY's unelectable because he's in a cult? 10/11/11 7:02:45 PM

Triple H in his fucking undies says he'll wrestle a broomstick to get a decent match. Mitt, you try this. Bachmann's basically a broomstick. 10/11/11 7:15:16 PM

Huntsman says "Washington DC is the gas capital of the country." You crazy beautiful bastard, what are you doing with these morons? 10/11/11 7:21:56 PM

Huntsman fucking confuses me, because he keeps saying things that aren't batshit crazy. When does Vince McMahon make him switch sides? 10/11/11 7:26:33 PM

Bachmann's pretty fucking concerned about health care rationing for someone who was clearly born during a fucking brains rationing. 10/11/11 7:39:09 PM

I could debate these fuck faces with my cock hanging out. Clothesline Mitt, sleeper hold for Cain, folding chair Perry the fuck out of here. 10/11/11 7:49:10 PM

SUPRISE! 9-9-9 isn't the price of a pizza, it's not 666 upside down, it's the number of reasons fucking none of you are electable. 10/11/11 7:58:23 PM

That was fun, but everyone knows that shit's staged. It LOOKS like Bachmann's a presidential candidate on TV, but it's totally fake. Right? 10/11/11 9:02:13 PM


I'd say instant coffee is worse than no coffee at all, but I'd be lying, because absolutely fucking nothing is worse than no coffee at all. 10/15/11 10:02:33 AM


Where are all these people and their fucking tents coming from? Don't these assclowns realize the marathon was last week? What the hell? 10/15/11 7:32:47 PM

This fucking guy starts setting up his tent crammed in close so he's halfway up my fucking colon. 10/15/11 7:45:12 PM

"Hi, I'm Hayden! I'm here because I'm really concerned about accountability and the federal bank bailouts." 10/15/11 7:46:02 PM

Hi Hayden, I'm Decatur Staley, I like long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and fucking the eye sockets of my motherfucking enemies. 10/15/11 7:51:34 PM

Hayden also supports: net neutrality, Monsanto divestment, justice for Bradley Manning. Dumb fucker didn't bring enough tent stakes. 10/15/11 8:14:12 PM

Hayden didn't realize about the stakes because he bought his tent on Craigslist. The story is about as fucking fascinating as it sounds. 10/15/11 8:23:41 PM

Now Hayden's got a Sharpie and he's trying to write his fucking phone number on my arm. Shit is awkward. Sorry, Hayden, I'm not bipartisan. 10/15/11 8:47:12 PM

"It's the ACLU phone number for when we get arrested." Why the fuck would we get arrested? I haven't keyed Dart's car ONCE in this universe. 10/15/11 8:59:12 PM


Hayden and his friends are explaining the reasons why camping out in Grant Park is occupying Wall Street. 10/15/11 9:11:09 PM

Top three reasons: 1) the mayor 2) the fucking mayor 3) the motherfucking mayor. 10/15/11 9:20:57 PM

Whenever they talk about the mayor it's never by name, always "Mayor 1%", so I still don't know who's in charge of this fucking shit show. 10/15/11 9:44:39 PM

A sea of people is filling Grant Park, singing and chanting and waving their signs, and I can feel the pulsing bloody heart of democracy. 10/15/11 10:08:24 PM

I see all fucking kinds of people: college kids, union members, grandmothers. They're bigger than themselves and I want to be one of them. 10/15/11 10:09:35 PM

Maybe I raked in a swimming pool of money on the board at Freddy Mac. Maybe my campaign war chest was bigger than the GDP of Slovakia. 10/15/11 10:11:33 PM

But those are the problems of a me who's actually the mayor, in some other fucking parallel dimension. OCCUPY ALL STREETS, MOTHERFUCKERS! 10/15/11 10:13:45 PM


The cops are here, but we are fucking unstoppable. We stand together, arms linked, and we are one. 10/16/11 12:40:37 AM


What the fuck do you mean no fucking coffee in the holding cell? You might as well take a fucking shit on the Geneva Convention. 10/16/11 10:03:45 AM

Got caught in a pepper spray bukkake when CPD was hustling us into the wagons last night so I can't see a fucking thing. 10/16/11 10:09:17 AM

I get my one phone call. I don't know who to call, so I dial Ari's number, just in case this has all been a bad fucking dream. 10/16/11 10:11:23 AM

But the person who picks up on the other end of the line says "Mr. Gold's office" so I just fucking disconnect. 10/16/11 10:13:41 AM

I got separated from Hayden last night when we got zip-tied. All the guys in this cell are batshit LaRouchers, which is fucking awkward. 10/16/11 11:45:06 AM

Stand up for the 99 percent! But get the entire fuck out of here with that poster of Obama with a Hitler mustache. No one wants to see that. 10/16/11 11:56:25 AM


I hear a guard's voice: "Hey, Decatur Staley, it's your lucky day, some asshole's here to bail you out." I still can't see a fucking thing. 10/16/11 2:34:49 PM

The guard takes me to processing. I hear a sound like heavy jewelry hitting a counter. "This should cover bail." I swear I know that voice. 10/16/11 2:41:39 PM

A hand on my arm guides me out of the station. At my ear, the voice says, "You look like shit, let's get you some green bean casserole." 10/16/11 3:01:56 PM


Kanye knows me. Who I am. Where I'm from. Why Kanye West is the only person in this universe who recognizes me, I don't have a fucking clue. 10/16/11 3:13:40 PM

New theory: the time vortex was caused by infinite fucking universes but only one Yeezy. That makes sense. It would actually explain a lot. 10/16/11 3:22:47 PM

Kanye says that Carl the Intern sent him. "He's going to rescue you. He taught me those crazy ass Jedi mind tricks to use on the cops." 3:27:03 PM

Carl? Carl's crazy, he can't even take care of himself, much less rescue anybody. A fucking Jedi Knight? 10/16/11 3:28:56 PM

I'm out of it for a little while, my friends re-watch too many fucking Star Wars movies and everybody gets delusions of fucking grandeur. 10/16/11 3:31:22 PM

Kanye takes me back to his place. "Sorry, I need to stay close to home, I've got these leopard print ottomans I'm selling on Craigslist." 10/16/11 4:01:43 PM


Pounding Hennessy with Kanye, just fucking laying it down. He's letting me take Jay-Z's verses. Fucking glorious bastard. 10/16/11 10:12:46 PM

"I'm losing myself / I'm stuck in the moment / I look in the mirror / my only opponent ..." 10/16/11 11:02:44 PM

Hayden just showed up at Kanye's penthouse! Hayden's here to buy Kanye's leopard print ottomans? That's a crazy fucking coincidence. 10/17/11 12:08:42 AM

Apologize to Hayden about getting split up when we got arrested, but he says it's cool, his friend's stepmother bailed him out this morning. 10/17/11 12:12:03 AM

Kanye has to go. I'm pretty out of it and I still can't really see, but I hear Hayden say, "Hurry. The Alliance should be assembled by now." 10/17/11 1:46:38 AM

Hey, Kanye, thanks. Thanks for fucking coming after me. Now I owe you one. 10/17/11 1:51:22 AM


Wandering the city with Hayden all week. I even showed him how to slot machine the fucking parking meters. "It's wealth redistribution!" 10/21/11 4:20:09 PM

Hayden's still really fucking upset about this fucking tent thing. Look, Hayden, for you, a few days ago, this tent thing came to an end. 10/21/11 4:34:47 PM

For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never fucking die. 10/21/11 4:38:06 PM

Hayden says, "That was fucking beautiful, man" and I say, "Now let's go occupy Blago's house, I think he might have a fucking French press." 10/21/11 4:43:12 PM

Cheer the fuck up, Hayden, it's Friday fucking night. 10/21/11 5:02:13 PM


Hayden and I are watching the debate show on Blago's big screen. Mitt Romney's pores are fucking terrifying in HD. 11/9/11 7:55:12 PM

It's like Cain TRIES to make it through a two-hour stretch without sexually harassing some poor woman, but he just fucking can't. 11/9/11 8:02:33 PM

Fucking seriously, Cain, go fuck yourself. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go directly to fuck yourself. 11/9/11 8:04:06 PM

I want to make one thing clear: I can't fucking stand Bachmann, but I hope she has a panic button, or some mace or something, just in case. 11/9/11 8:05:24 PM

To be fair to Cain, Pelosi does prefer to be called "Princess Nancy Organa of the Rebel Alliance." You want to fucking make something of it? 11/9/11 8:07:22 PM

Holy fucking mother of God. I thought my assfuck mayoral opponents were the dumbest fucking boxes of rocks ever assembled for one election. 11/9/11 8:30:43 PM

Seriously, Gingrich, Cain and Bachmann make Chico, Braun and De Valle look like fucking Newton, Edison and Einstein. For fucking real. 11/9/11 8:33:12 PM

But, Rick Perry? You win the golden fucking sombrero of motherfucking dumb. 11/9/11 8:34:55 PM


Hayden: "Rewind it again! Again!" I'm laughing so hard I'm fucking crying, but I'm crying because this dumb fuck might end up president. 11/9/11 8:37:02 PM

The night takes a fucking depressing turn. Hayden tries to cheer me up by raiding Blago's bribe closet. "Want a solid gold back scratcher?" 11/9/11 8:56:28 PM

I want back into a fucking universe where the fucks running for president can find the Department of Energy with two hands and a flashlight. 11/9/11 9:00:08 PM

But yeah, what the fuck, give me the solid gold ball scratcher. 11/9/11 9:03:46 PM


Also, Hayden's growing a mustache. Says it's for something called Movember? Fuck that, show some respect and call it Axelfuckingrodvember. 11/9/11 10:40:57 PM

Hayden says I should grow one, too. "For charity, man!" I say no. "For personal reasons." Truth is, my facial hair looks like fucking pubes. 11/9/11 10:57:25 PM

And I just fucking miss Axelrod's mustache. Fucking shit, man. Pretenders, leave it alone. Don't throw rocks at the mustache throne. 11/9/11 11:14:39 PM


It's so cute that Newt Gingrich is trying to wave his pinky-size dick around this fucking national security debate like he fucking matters. 11/12/11 7:15:29 PM

Watch Newt turn the Patriot Act into a Patriot Contract With America: A commitment to be vigilant against undocumented terrorist janitors. 11/12/11 7:20:36 PM

Sure, Perry, the Obama administration is a complete intelligence failure. I hope you get a Merry fucking Christmas visit from Seal Team Six. 11/12/11 7:28:10 PM

Hayden and I are watching the shit games in Blago's home office. "Who needs four industrial paper shredders?" Hah-fucking-hah. Now beer me. 11/12/11 7:33:48 PM

Here's a funny story about Gingrich. Back in '95, during the government shutdown, Clinton had me follow Newt to his high school reunion. 11/12/11 7:34:18 PM

I tracked him down at this shithole small town diner, and I went there in double birds blazing, my cock hanging out in a paper bag. 11/12/11 7:36:29 PM

Newt acted like he was gonna fucking start some shit, and I said, "Easy there, chief. I don't see hollow point wound care on the menu." 11/12/11 7:39:27 PM

I ordered some fucking eggs, and I said we weren't gonna let Newt pass his little budget. Cause we were gonna pass it for him. 11/12/11 7:41:32 PM

And then I told him that after we passed the budget, we were gonna do another little job. And that dumbfuck Newt said, "Like what?" 11/12/11 7:42:44 PM

"Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fucking forehead and I'm gonna fuck the brain hole." So that ended Newt's government shitdown. 11/12/11 7:50:57 PM

Hayden has beer, a whole head of iceberg lettuce, a block of Monterey Jack cheese and a fucking rotisserie chicken. "Do you want a taco?" 11/12/11 8:10:21 PM

Now Newt says he likes the Chilean model for Social Security reform. I sure fucking hope it involves sending old people down a mine shaft. 11/12/11 8:21:49 PM

Holy fuck, Hayden's shredding the lettuce with Blago's shredder! This is some fucking ninja Julia Child shit here! 11/12/11 8:28:45 PM

Blago's shredder destroyed that fucking block of cheese like it was the phone records of an unidentified senate candidate. 11/12/11 8:34:57 PM

We're making bets on whether the shredder can take the whole goddamn rotisserie chicken, bones and all. Loser has to prank call Bachmann. 11/12/11 8:37:05 PM

Hayden's fixing me a taco, I have to call Bachmann and ask her if her refrigerator's getting ex-gay therapy. Totally fucking worth it. 11/12/11 8:40:21 PM

Wolf is finishing off the fuck fest by asking everyone to name their favorite threat to national security like it's a fucking dating show. 11/12/11 8:59:34 PM

Very fucking funny, Wolf. Trick question, the eight biggest threats to national security are standing at podiums up on the fucking stage. 11/12/11 9:01:27 PM

The shit Hayden finds in the bribe closet is getting ridiculous. He just came in wearing a fucking full-length black leather trench coat. 11/12/11 9:22:18 PM

"It's not a trench coat, it's a duster." He looks like Axelrod standing in line to get disappointed by the fucking Matrix sequels. 11/12/11 9:25:56 PM


I am so fucking all about this fucking cup of coffee in my hand, I want to set up a casual encounter with it on Craigslist. 11/14/11 9:45:06 AM

Hayden split last night. He didn't leave a note, but he took that fucking trench coat. 11/14/11 11:12:37 AM

Think he got bored sitting around in bathrobes, scratching our asses with solid gold back scratchers and crying at the Republican debates. 11/14/11 11:23:37 AM

This universe continues to suck balls: Mayor 1% shitting all over Occupy, the fucking Republican horror show, the NBA lockout clusterfuck. 11/14/11 2:14:56 PM

David Stern, you fucking cockhole. I've got your nuclear winter right here. It's called February in fucking Chicago without the Bulls on TV. 11/14/11 8:20:13 PM


Stopped by the Kinkos on LaSalle for the first time in a couple weeks and one of Plouffe's faxes is jamming up the piece-of-shit machine. 11/16/11 8:33:43 PM

Fax from Plouffe: List of stuff the other me isn't allowed to say during a budget speech to City Council. The more things fucking change ... 11/16/11 9:01:54 PM

"1. Don't say you're going to make all those sick CTA employees get second jobs on their fake sick days." Well, why fucking not? 11/16/11 9:07:12 PM

"2. Don't say 'Who's afraid of a few fucking nuns?' if they ask about water tax increase." Still sad I never got to hang out with other me. 11/16/11 9:12:31 PM

"3. Your notes say 'And then I wave around my cock and tell them this is the sword that slew the $636M budget deficit.' Don't do that." 11/16/11 9:20:42 PM

"4. Don't talk about the police overtime budget. Those Occupy assholes hate you enough as it is." 11/16/11 9:35:55 PM

"5. 'David Stern Nut the Fuck Up Fund' is not a line item on the approved final version of your budget." Wait a fucking second ... 11/16/11 9:42:49 PM

Back in the other universe, the budget's still fucked, I'M fucking Mayor 1% and the NBA is still in a fucking lockout? 11/16/11 9:44:06 PM


I crash out of the Kinko's into the street, and I see strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night. 11/16/11 10:03:00 PM

Streetlights. People living just to find some fucking emotion, hiding somewhere in the night. 11/16/11 10:06:35 PM

There's an asshole standing right behind me, humming under his breath. It sounds so fucking familiar. I turn around to see who's there. 11/16/11 10:09:10 PM

Then the taste of celery salt bursts on my tongue and I can still hear the humming, but everything just fucking goes black. 11/16/11 10:10:13 PM


New theory: the time vortex was caused by the MULTIPLE FUCKING HEAD INJURIES inflected on me by Mayor Richard M. Motherfucking Daley. 11/17/11 12:01:59 AM

So you can guess that we're standing on the roof of City Hall. And for the first time since I ended up here, there's no buzz saw in my ears. 11/17/11 12:03:17 AM

The charcoal grill waits for us, and I already know what's inside. Daley smoothes his hand over the lid. "You still don't understand." 11/17/11 12:07:29 AM

I step up to the grill and put my hand next to Daley's. It looks like a fucking little kid's hand. The lid's warm under my palm. 11/17/11 12:10:23 AM

Daley reaches for the handle. "It's a portal through infinite dimensions. That doesn't mean there's no law of entropy." He lifts the lid. 11/17/11 12:11:55 AM

I see them again, the million fucking tiny Chicagos in their million parallel universes. But this time I look closer. 11/17/11 12:12:34 AM

Daley points at a pinhead speck. "There's one where Oprah's the mayor of Chicago and she fixed the deficit by selling unicorn shit." 11/17/11 12:14:09 AM

Daley waves his giant sausage of a finger. "There's no Chicago to even be mayor of in that one. It was never rebuilt after the Great Fire." 11/17/11 12:16:47 AM

Daley sighs. "This one's my favorite. 2003 Cubs won the World Series and Kerry Wood's the mayor. City Hall softball league is incredible." 11/17/11 12:17:59 AM

"There's a zombie universe where a zombie version of Dad is still mayor. There's even a universe where Chico's the mayor. It's called Hell." 11/17/11 12:19:03 AM

I can see them, but only because Daley points them out. They're the exception, not the rule. Most of the universes are basically the same. 11/17/11 12:23:32 AM

I'm the mayor, sure, but the city is still fucking broke and still fucking stuck with the fucking parking meter deal. 11/17/11 12:25:47 AM

The economy is still in the shithole and ordinary people feel so angry and powerless they set up tents in Grant Park just to get arrested. 11/17/11 12:27:14 AM

David Stern is a spineless asshat. Michelle fucking Bachmann is a presidential candidate. Two and a Half Men hasn't been cancelled. 11/17/11 12:28:15 AM

Daley watches across the grill. He says what I already know. "There's a million fucking universes, but most of them are the same old shit." 11/17/11 12:29:53 AM

"For a minute, that universe got to be great because it had two of you. Now you're both back where you belong and it's all just ordinary." 11/17/11 12:31:28 AM

There's no smoke coming off the grill, but my eyes still sting. What am I supposed to do? Why is Daley showing me? WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? 11/17/11 12:34:19 AM

Daley looks sad, like he wants to say more but he knows he can't. "Roll the dice one more time," he tells me. He starts humming again. 11/17/11 12:35:08 AM

"The movie never ends." And Daley's massive fucking frame towers over me like the skyline, going on and on until all the lights go out. 11/17/11 12:36:57 AM


Up before the fucking sun and I want to fucking keg stand this fucking cup of coffee. 11/21/11 04:32:26 AM

Slot machining the parking meters on State Street by the library. Still can't believe it, five fucking bucks an hour to park in the Loop. 11/21/11 04:49:41 AM

Seriously, three pay boxes and I've already filled two fuck-it size chicken buckets. $644.75 in quarters, bitches. 11/21/11 04:52:08 AM


The Craigslist posting is the fucking same as all the others I saw this weekend: 1994 HONDA CIVIC - $1450 (West Lawn). 11/21/11 9:16:09 AM

I'm getting sick of this shit. I'd rather dry fuck a tail pipe than meet any more fucking weirdos who sell their crap on the internet. 11/21/11 9:34:55 AM

Saturday, in Hyde Park, I'm pretty fucking sure Braun in Groucho Marx glasses was trying to sell me a Civic with no back seat for two grand. 11/21/11 9:49:14 AM

Hey Braun, you've got $315,000 in unaccounted campaign funds, replace the back seat in your fucking Civic. 11/21/11 10:05:27 AM

Emailing the poster in West Lawn while I watch a thousand fucking replays of Jay Cutler breaking his thumb. 11/21/11 11/21/11 10:11:26 AM

For fucking serious, Cutler throws an interception and then breaks his thumb tackling like he thinks he's a goddamn free safety. Fuck. 11/21/11 10:23:37 AM

Throw an interception, then break your thumb on the tackle? Why not just set a house on fire and drown the fucking cat putting the fire out? 11/21/11 10:34:45 AM

Hey, Cutlerfucker: In an alternate universe, I'm the FUCKING MAYOR with nine and a half fingers. You can't quarterback the Bears with nine? 11/21/11 10:46:02 AM

Text from West Lawn: "Can only show car before 3pm today, take Orange Line to Ford City, movie theater parking lot." 11/21/11 11:39:04 AM

The fucking Orange Line doesn't go to fucking Ford City. And that's what makes me think this might be the fucking Civic I'm looking for. 11/21/11 11:45:26 AM


When the train pulls into Midway station, I can see the planes landing in the distance, swooping low like pot-bellied lazy birds. 11/21/11 1:40:04 PM

The doors close and I'm alone in the car. I don't know what the fuck is happening, but this train is going somewhere I've never been before. 11/21/11 1:52:33 PM

New theory: the time vortex was caused by the paradoxical existence of a fucking Ford City L stop. 11/21/11 2:11:48 PM

As paradoxical non-existent L stops go, this Ford City one is pretty fucking nice. Really clean. I would've shaken a shitload of hands here. 11/21/11 2:17:36 PM

I walk up to the movie theater. The marquee is all show times for some kind of fucking Michael J. Fox retrospective. 11/21/11 2:21:06 PM

The parking lot's empty, except for one beautiful heap of a Civic and fucking Hayden, wearing that fucking trench coat and holding the keys. 11/21/11 2:32:57 PM

Hayden fumbles with the key ring. "Oh, hey, man. Wow, weird coincidence. You saw in the ad that the radio's broken, right?" 11/21/11 2:34:09 PM

I'm not fucking crying. It's just been raining. On my face. I put my hand on the dent in the bumper. I think I can feel the car's heartbeat. 11/21/11 2:37:16 PM

"I'm selling it for a friend who split town, that's why it's so dirty." Every window is covered in a fucking inch of grime except one. 11/21/11 2:39:54 PM

The glass is so clean I could wipe my ass with it. "Yeah, I was trying to just sell it as-is, but no one would buy it with a broken window." 11/21/11 2:41:36 PM

Hayden tosses me the keys. "Well, if you want to buy the car, let's do this. I'm going be late for mathlete practice." 11/21/11 2:44:16 PM

And I want to ask Hayden where he came from and what this all means and what the fuck I should do next. And really, whose car is this? 11/21/11 2:50:28 PM

Hayden finally looks me in the eye. I know he wants to tell me the work begins anew. The hope rises again. The fucking dream lives on. 11/21/11 2:53:28 PM

But I need to get somewhere Hayden can't follow. I don't fucking know if I'll make it, but I do know it's time to go now. 11/21/11 2:54:19 PM

So Hayden just takes my $1450 in quarters. "It's your car now, man," he says. "Don't stop believing. Don't fuck it up." 11/21/11 2:55:17 PM

New theory: the time vortex was caused by it doesn't fucking matter, because I am going to fuck that time vortex until it slot machines. 11/21/11 2:57:01 PM

I start humming under my breath. Hayden walks away and I watch him disappear into the distance as I slide into the driver's seat. 11/21/11 2:59:30 PM

The music swells up behind me like the soundtrack to a fucking movie that never motherfucking ends. 11/21/11 3:01:48 PM

I put the key in the fucking ignition and everything starts again. 11/21/11 3:05:37 PM