Actions

Work Header

Alexander(s)

Work Text:

I see you clearly now, Alexander.

Well, both of you.

Both brown haired and umber eyed, old “friends” of mine. 

You set sail a long time ago, marched your armies on the satrapies.

We conquered the known world together,

our entire world military camps and the sun in your eyes.

I know us more than anything I’ve ever learned. 

 

I must not forget you, Alexander.

I must not forget starlit nights and laughing around the fire.

Not the fire of an army, but a hearth of sorts. 

A childhood memory surfaces, us running wild through the woods,

laughter louder than a gun,

you look back at me and smile brighter than a lightning flash. 

The sun is in your eyes.  

 

I know you, Alexander.

I know nothing of your true ambitions or wildest dreams, anymore.

I used to when we were free, conquerors with little cares.

I really ran the empire. At least one of us paid attention to our schooling. 

These days I don’t know much about you,

only what to trade you at lunch,

what classes you're in,

and honestly I’m not so sure about any of those anymore. 

 

I know our memories.

That will have to suffice.

I know of your hands grabbing mine to stop them shaking. 

I know you smiling back at me in the July morning, 

the rising sun on the water and in your eyes, 

but someone else on your mind. 

 

I need you, Alexander.

I am just a world of your projection, a love-lorn reflection.

I need you like a city needs the rain.

Like winter needs the sun. 

In these January blues the only sun I see is your eyes, 

bright, 

burning with ambition, 

like the corona during a solar eclipse.

I am standing too close to your eyes. 

I am standing too close to the sun. 

 

I fear you, Alexander. I love you. I fear your retribution for my love. 

My love needs to be perfect, to make up for the fact that it is mine.

It is easy to love a monster, but we have been to Siwa,

raced each other through the dunes,

you have burned me with those eyes, 

you have seen the Oracle. 

The son of Zeus-Amun.

 

It is not so easy to love a god.

 

Or a man turned god. 

Patroclus and I know this. 

I fear you like Hera fears her husband, 

like a monster fears the divine. 

I fear I gaze into the sun everyday.



I need you, Alexander. I am going to die far from Babylon, 

far from the home we’ve built, 

  far from the gates of Ishtar, 

   far from the gardens,

         and far from you. 

I am dying out in interstellar space, far from the sun.

Far from anything at all.

The only things that burn are the fever and my lungs,

and I almost wish it were you strangling me. 

 

I miss you, Alexander.

I miss our laughter and those smiles.

I am Echo staring at Narcissus, never to be seen again.

Only in my head do I see you. I know your face perfectly, all its contours and all its lines. 

 

I heard you’re taller now. I’ve heard you’re on Olympus now.

I don’t know how to love a god.

 

The asphodel glows faintly, and I’ve never missed the sun more. 

I am not holy enough for Elysium without you.

 

A demon cannot love an angel, a shade cannot love a god. 

I am dying again, without you.

One day I will forget you, somehow. 

 

I miss you, Alexander.

I don't think I'll ever see you again.