I see you clearly now, Alexander.
Well, both of you.
Both brown haired and umber eyed, old “friends” of mine.
You set sail a long time ago, marched your armies on the satrapies.
We conquered the known world together,
our entire world military camps and the sun in your eyes.
I know us more than anything I’ve ever learned.
I must not forget you, Alexander.
I must not forget starlit nights and laughing around the fire.
Not the fire of an army, but a hearth of sorts.
A childhood memory surfaces, us running wild through the woods,
laughter louder than a gun,
you look back at me and smile brighter than a lightning flash.
The sun is in your eyes.
I know you, Alexander.
I know nothing of your true ambitions or wildest dreams, anymore.
I used to when we were free, conquerors with little cares.
I really ran the empire. At least one of us paid attention to our schooling.
These days I don’t know much about you,
only what to trade you at lunch,
what classes you're in,
and honestly I’m not so sure about any of those anymore.
I know our memories.
That will have to suffice.
I know of your hands grabbing mine to stop them shaking.
I know you smiling back at me in the July morning,
the rising sun on the water and in your eyes,
but someone else on your mind.
I need you, Alexander.
I am just a world of your projection, a love-lorn reflection.
I need you like a city needs the rain.
Like winter needs the sun.
In these January blues the only sun I see is your eyes,
burning with ambition,
like the corona during a solar eclipse.
I am standing too close to your eyes.
I am standing too close to the sun.
I fear you, Alexander. I love you. I fear your retribution for my love.
My love needs to be perfect, to make up for the fact that it is mine.
It is easy to love a monster, but we have been to Siwa,
raced each other through the dunes,
you have burned me with those eyes,
you have seen the Oracle.
The son of Zeus-Amun.
It is not so easy to love a god.
Or a man turned god.
Patroclus and I know this.
I fear you like Hera fears her husband,
like a monster fears the divine.
I fear I gaze into the sun everyday.
I need you, Alexander. I am going to die far from Babylon,
far from the home we’ve built,
far from the gates of Ishtar,
far from the gardens,
and far from you.
I am dying out in interstellar space, far from the sun.
Far from anything at all.
The only things that burn are the fever and my lungs,
and I almost wish it were you strangling me.
I miss you, Alexander.
I miss our laughter and those smiles.
I am Echo staring at Narcissus, never to be seen again.
Only in my head do I see you. I know your face perfectly, all its contours and all its lines.
I heard you’re taller now. I’ve heard you’re on Olympus now.
I don’t know how to love a god.
The asphodel glows faintly, and I’ve never missed the sun more.
I am not holy enough for Elysium without you.
A demon cannot love an angel, a shade cannot love a god.
I am dying again, without you.
One day I will forget you, somehow.
I miss you, Alexander.
I don't think I'll ever see you again.