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Emily Prentiss - 2:00 AM Talk Show

Good Morning, San Diego! Just kidding. We're not in San Diego. I'm not going to broadcast where we are because of the weirdos who could be listening to my random 2am radio show. I'm also not going to tell you my name for... the same reason… And also for the fact that it’s incredibly embarrassing to have a 2am radio talk show on a college campus, don't you think? My reach is so small. You don’t need to know who I am. It’s pathetic. The only reason I even have this radio show is because Hotch - That’s Aaron Hotchner, my best friend and head of this radio station - managed to drive off the last host. Oh. He’s knocking on the window. Yup. He’s glaring at me. Sorry, Hotch! I can’t hear you! The headphones… You get it… I guess I shouldn’t say that he drove her off. She left to pursue “another career path.” Don’t ask me what that means. I don’t know. But it meant that he had an empty slot from 2am to 3am, so here I am. Doing this. I could be sleeping, studying, or sexing, but instead… He’s knocking again. Yes, Hotch?... Yeah, I still can’t hear you. Anyway, I’m here now. I just keep reminding myself how disappointed my mother would be to know that I have an anonymous 2am radio show on a college campus. Why don’t we play some music? Maybe one of the five people listening will call in. Probably not. The only thing more pathetic than having a 2am radio talk show on a college campus is listening to that 2am radio talk show on a college campus. Ok. I’m- I’m gonna play the Bee Gees.

Jennifer Jareau - Daily Newspaper

Hello, Readers! Welcome to my new column. Rossi (that’s David Rossi, the editor-in-chief of this very daily newspaper) has finally given into my demands and awarded me this little square of ink. I do mean little. I know I’m tucked away between job ads and couches for sale, but I’m here! I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to use my corner of the paper for, but I know it’ll be anonymous. Pin my name to this shit? No, thank you! I wonder if my curse word will make it in…

Emily Prentiss - 2:00 AM Talk Show

Good Morning, Miami! Wow! I’ve been doing this for a whole week, huh? My 8am Calc class probably misses my presence, but what are you gonna do? It’s not like I’ll need math in the real world. If I’m still alive in two years, I’m sure Mother will find a suitable gentleman for me to marry. I hope it’s Harry. Have I told you guys about Harry? Probably not. He’s gay, and… Well, that’s really all I know about him. A marriage of convenience. That’s a little joke. His father is the CEO of 7/11. He’s loaded, just like I am. That’s another joke! I’m totally sober… Wow. I thought that’d get a Hotch-Knock for sure. A...Hock? A Knotch? We’ll workshop it.

Jennifer Jareau - Daily Newspaper

Hello, Readers! Seven days, seven meetings with Rossi. He didn’t like the conversational tone of my first piece. Then, it was that I didn’t have enough characters. Then, it was the formal tone. Then, he was annoyed I wasn’t signing the column. Then, I was getting too repetitive. Next, I used too many commas. Yesterday, he finally noticed my curse words. What’s today’s note, Mr. Rossi?

Good Morning, Chicago! Here we are… Again… Halfway through the semester… I feel like I was done wrong by the late start. I mean, Elle got to introduce the semester. Were there more listeners then? Did she scare them off? Is anyone listening? Am I just prattling on into the void? Don’t get me wrong - I’m happy to rant for an hour with a couple song breaks, but I’d love an audience other than Hotch. Oh! I did start leaving the radio on when I leave my apartment so Sergio can listen. Sergio is my cat, by the way. He’s my boyfriend. That’s a joke. Mostly. Anyway, Hotch isn’t in the studio tonight. Apparently, he has an exam tomorrow. I do, too. We’re in the same Intro to Biology class. However, I’m expected to be here and he gets to study and sleep. Wait. I can study here… [The sound of a chair rolling. Emily grunts. A loud zipper. Paper rustling.] Ok! I have my notes! What is this exam about? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Again - marriage of convenience. Let’s see… Let’s see… Oh, it’s about DNA. Well, I hope you’re ready to learn about DNA. I’ll throw in a few Rage Against songs to wake you up when you start to doze off. At least, I will if I don’t doze off myself.

Hello, Readers! I’m still here! Rossi says I need to finalize a topic… a genre… I can’t just fill space with punctuation… So! I thought I’d shout-out a little radio show that is getting about as much attention as this column is. It’s the 2am show on our college’s FM span and I love it. I don’t know who runs it; she won’t say her name. I respect that because I, too, am deeply ashamed of this hobby. She’s really funny, and she actually made Biology interesting. Ok, I’m almost out of space. Oh! Shout-out to her cat, Sergio, too.

Good Morning, Portsmith! I’d like to start today’s show by thanking the anonymous author of the tiny column in the back of our school’s daily newspaper. I’ll be honest - I didn’t know we even had a daily newspaper until this morning. Well, yesterday morning. Can I just say that I stay up until 3:30 AM every day? I wake up at 10:00 AM, skipping my Calc class, and then start my day. I need to remember not to schedule an early class during the summer. Wait. Is this a summer gig, too? I hope it is. This is literally the best job for me. I just sit here and talk and make money. Hold on. [The sound of Emily knocking on glass] Hotch! Is this a summer job? … Damn, I really can’t hear him.

Hello, Readers! My little column was noticed by that radio host I mentioned last week! She only mentioned it in passing, but I still appreciate it. Maybe this column can be a review of that radio show. Well, first critique - It’s about nothing. The host just talks for a while, antagonizes her boss, and plays whatever music she wants to listen to. Sometimes, she doesn’t play any music at all! Now, a compliment - It’s the best hour of my day. Well, that hour and the hour I spend staring at my screen to write this article. Yes, it does take me that long to say so little.

Good Morning, Albuquerque! I know, I know. You’re surprised to hear me. I’m surprised, too. I honestly didn’t think I’d last a whole month at this job, but here I am! Living it up! I would also like to brag, if you’ll indulge me. I have gained two more consistent listeners. Yes, you heard correctly. My month long struggle has led to a larger following. Take that, Mother. Of course, I didn’t do it alone. Two weeks ago, Hotch gave me permission to print TEN posters with the station’s printer. I put them all up in his dorm room window, blocking all sunlight and advertising my show exactly as it should be advertised. If that’s how you found the show, please let me know. It’s far more likely, however, that you saw us in the anonymous article in the school’s daily newspaper. One day, perhaps, I’ll learn its name. For now, I’ll just keep reading that one tiny square and putting it back on the random student union table where I found it. I almost want to meet the author, but I’m worried that we won’t get along. They say to never meet your heroes...

Hello, Readers! Despite yesterday’s disaster, I’m still here! Unfortunately, however, I’m under much stricter supervision. So, with that in mind, here’s today’s topic - the cute brunette in my 2:00 PM class. Readers… I’m in love. I’ve been in love, but we almost made eye contact today and my heart has sprouted wings. I’m convinced that she has no idea who I am, but alas… Isn’t that how it goes? I’m but a humble So- Oops, almost gave something away...

Good Morning, Grand Rapids! Today, we’re going to talk about the hot blonde in my 2:00 PM class. I was inspired by my favorite author. If you’re listening, then we need to come up with nicknames. I can’t keep calling you “the anonymous columnist”. Although… That does have a charming ring to it. Ok. Back on the topic of this hot blonde. She is… Guys. She’s beautiful. Long blonde hair, a soft face, toned biceps. She’s always wearing pajamas, but damn… She makes it work. The other day, her hair was up in a ponytail and I didn’t hear a word the teacher said. Is it possible to be in love with a neck? And her mouth! Her perfect pink lips are tantalizing. And her voice! I’d love to hear what she sounds like when- Oh! A Hock!! It’s been so long! Was it the lips? The neck? Write your comment on a paper, Hotch. Come on! What kind of Roz, are you? He’s shaking his head. Do you want to be Niles? Marty? Lilith? Yeah. You’re my Lilith...

Hello, Readers! Dear anonymous college radio talk show host - you’re right! We need nicknames! Somehow, you and your show has become the perpetual topic of my column. I guess I’ll just lean into it. After last night’s show, I think I’m naming you Frasier. If Hotch is your Lilith, then you must be Frasier… Tell me, are you listening?

Good Morning, Corpus Christi! I’m over the moon tonight! Our intrepid reporter has named me Frasier, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ll answer your question first - I’m listening. Well, I’m reading, but you get the idea, and you got the reference! My heart warms whenever I meet someone else who likes Frasier - the show, not me. And since you came up with a nickname for me so fast, I’m returning the favor! What about Clark Kent? Another reporter with a secret identity. You could sweep me off my feet any day!

Hello, Readers! As much I love the comparison to Superman, I’d rather be Lois Lane… I’m a woman, after all. There - A hint. Yes, I am indeed a woman. I’m also about 5’6” and blonde. I hear you like blondes...

Good Morning, Lexington! Good Morning, Lois Lane! I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that you’re a woman! I was worried that I was flirting with a man this whole time. That would have been a waste. I shudder to think. Literally. I’m literally shuddering. I am, indeed, a lesbian. Will that get me a Hock? No. Oh, so I can talk about being a lesbian, but if I start talking about kissing a girl, I get a knock? Is this because you and Haley are on a break? [A very loud bang] Damn… That really hit a nerve, huh? Sorry, Hotch. I like Haley! I hope you guys get back together. [Another bang] Ok! Ok! I’ll change the subject. Listeners… See, now I can only think about how Hotch said Haley gained a couple pounds and got himself smacked. Oh god, he’s coming in here!

Hello, Readers! Can you believe midterms are over? I have to be honest - I almost forgot everything I knew during the test. My crush looked over her shoulder at me and our eyes actually met. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Readers, there is truly nothing like a dame. How’s that for a reference, Frasier? Anyway, I’ve really been enjoying your show recently. I love that you and Hotch are like Tom and Jerry. If only I could memorialize the things Rossi says to me in print...

Good Morning, Las Vegas! That one’s for Spencer Reid. Please stop asking me to say “Las Vegas” on the air, Reid. Anyway, I’m very tired today. So, it’s going to be a music hour. Oh! I know that all twelve of you are eager for an update. I made a move on my crush. Well… Maybe “a move” is too generous. Tomorrow, for sure. Oh, and I get your reference, Honey Bun.

Hello, Readers! Guess what happened today? That hot brunette, who will remain anonymous as well, asked me out! I’m going on a date! Between practice, class, and friends, I barely have a second for myself, but I’ll give up my solitude for this beauty of a woman. I can say that because she’ll never read this. Or, she may, but she won’t know it’s me!

Guess who got laid? Wait. Good Morning, Pittsburgh! Ok. Now. Guess who got laid? [A moment of silence] That’s right! Good guess! It was me! Listen, that hot blonde that I was telling you about? We slept together! She’s amazing, guys. I mean, beyond being hot. She’s so funny, and so nice. She didn’t make fun of me at all for not knowing anything about sports. I may be in love. I mean, I know logically that I’m not, but also...I am. She’s amazing. Hey, Lois - How was your date? Was it as good as mine?

Hello, Readers! This really is becoming a multimedia experience, isn’t it, Frasier? I hope I’m sending readers your way! I guess they’re listeners for you! Anyway, YES! My date was amazing! She’s amazing, Frasier. She’s so smart and fancy and beautiful. She’s also really funny. You’d probably get along well!

Good Morning, DC! Here we are at my two month radio-versary. Can you believe I have TWENTY regular listeners? I’m a veritable talk show host! It’s unbelievable! Apparently, you guys enjoy listening to me. Isn’t that something? Is it my crackling wit? Is it the occasional study session? Is it the news of my GIRLFRIEND? What’s that? It’s the news of my GIRLFRIEND? Yeah, I thought so. Don’t you even knock at me, Hotch. I see those narrow, narrow eyes. I’m talking about her and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s what the listeners want, Hotch. Can’t you hear them? They’re saying “tell me about all the sex you’re having, Frasier…” Don’t you hear them saying “tell me about how good she is at head-” [A loud bang] Too far? She is, though.

Hello, Readers! Here’s a question for you. When is it too soon to say “I love you”? One week? Probably too soon. Two weeks? Too soon. We’ve been dating for about a month now, though. You know, it’s getting hard to keep this column from her. I’ll have to tell her eventually. Maybe I’ll save it for our wedding. I can read the old entries for my vows. That’s cute, right? Anyway, apparently you guys are enjoying this column. Rossi is going to give me more space! That ad for Quality Sweatpants is as good as gone!

Good Morning, Nashville! It’s a girl...Anonymous Susie! That’s not my name. What if my name was Susie? Gross. Anyway, I went to a soccer game today. Well, technically yesterday. It was… Let’s just say HOT. I’m not going to lie - Muscles get me every time. My girlfriend, you know the one, has a six pack. She could probably bench press me and that’s hot as hell. Her biceps? Her calves? Her back? It’s tantalizing and mouth-watering. I mean… Listeners, listen to me. Listen to me. Listen. Get yourself a girlfriend. Get yourself a hot blonde on the soccer team. I mean! The shorts? The socks? The cleats? I’d let her step on me. I’d let her murder me! Here’s the question, though… When do I tell her about this radio show? She can’t listen to the backlog and I doubt she’s been following along. No one listens to this. Well, an increasing number of you do, but there are thousands of people at this school and I hardly doubt she happens to be in my class and listen to this, too. That’d be crazy.

Hello, Readers! Today’s topic (the first topic for my expanded column) is this: Who is Frasier dating? Here’s the thing, readers… I’m not sure Frasier reads this anymore. I haven’t heard anything about me in a couple weeks now. I’m not jealous, but I’m curious. Clearly, Frasier’s new girlfriend is more important than me. Maybe if I were Superman… Alas, I’m not. Anyway, I happen to be on the soccer team myself… I may know our dear Frasier’s girlfriend. Wouldn’t that be something? All this time, I thought we had nothing in common beyond our anonymity, but now it turns out that we might have known each other all this time… Well, I’m out of things to say… I’m not used to all this space. Rossi, if this isn’t enough just put a picture of a cat or something!

Good Morning, Roswell! I have to make a sincere apology. Lois, if you’re still listening… I read your column every day! I can’t believe I’ve been so lax and forgotten to mention you! This is Hotch’s fault really. He should have reminded me about our multimedia experience. I would never have forgotten about you on purpose. You’re my first blonde love, I promise. That being said… I will not tell you who my girlfriend is. That’s so embarrassing. Wait! Does this mean I’ve seen you? If you’re on the soccer team, and I went to the soccer game… Now I’m thinking about the blondes on the team… All good options, Lois. I feel like we’re getting closer...

Hello, Readers! I feel too seen, Frasier. This isn’t fair! You’ve seen me, but I’ve never seen you! So many people come to our games! That’s not a brag; it’s the truth. Here’s a brag: I’m stronger than your girlfriend. That’s right. I said it! For the readers at home, I have a six-pack, too. I can bench 200lbs, so I bet I can lift you, Frasier. Listen, I’m not saying that I’m a hot blonde with muscles to die for and I could totally beat your girlfriend in a fight, but… No, I’m definitely saying that. I wonder who she is. I’ll be honest - I don’t know my team members well enough. Now I’m going to invite everyone out and emphasize the fact that they should bring their partners… I will find you, Frasier!

Good Morning, Indianapolis! Funny how I was at that Denny’s and no one asked me about this radio show… You must have been slacking. Even if you were there, I didn’t see anyone as strong as my girlfriend. That’s a brag. My girlfriend can lift me, twist me, and throw me around like a rag doll. You’d be hard pressed to compete with her. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Hotch. No sex talk. I’m not even talking about sex! Anyway, my girlfriend is strong as hell. She’s also got a bit of a temper, so I’d warn you against talking shit. She’s 120lbs of muscle and she’ll beat you up. I just have to bat my eyelashes and she’ll throw down. Can your girlfriend fight? Maybe we should set up a couple vs couple cage match? It'll be the radio station versus the newspaper office. We can have someone announce it live and then your crew can write about it later. I think we could turn a real buck. If anything, we'll... Well, I'll save that thought for myself. It's been a few days since Hotch knocked on the window. I wonder how long we can go without nonsense...

Hello, Readers! I can take your girlfriend in a fight, Frasier. That’s a threat! I will fight for you! Look, we may never have met, but I’m willing to bet we’d get along great. I've got a temper, but I'm a pacifist, really... I won't take you up on the challenge of a cage fight. My girlfriend, however? She won't go down without a fight. Well, she goes down whenever I want. See that? I can talk dirty, too, but no producer will come and shut me down. Rossi doesn't even read these anymore. I'm free to talk about my girlfriend's gifted tongue. I'll spare her, though, because unlike you, she can read these once they're out there. I will say that even though she’s definitely not as strong as I am - She could hurt you. She’s ferocious and energetic and she’s got a bit of a mean streak. It’s… very hot. However hot your girlfriend is? My girlfriend is twice as hot. Bet.

Good Morning, Atlanta! Hey, Lois? Why don’t we make a bet? If you can find me before the end of the semester, then you get to host one of my shows? Hotch is standing… He’s walking over… And he’s knocking! That means that this is a great idea! You have just under a month, Lois! Get cracking!

Hello, Readers! Frasier… You’re in my immediate circle of friends. I’ll find you in no time! I’ll take that bet! I have a serious question, though. This is for all my many, many readers. This is for all the readers I have (and it's more than the number of listener's you have, Frasier). If your girlfriend won’t spend the night, would you be worried? Listen, I love her and I trust her, but… I’m nervous, Readers! We usually meet at my apartment, but even when we stay at hers, she asks me to leave. What does that mean?

Good Morning, Casper! I’ll be honest with you, Lois - Yes, we’re jumping right into it - I don’t spend the night with my girlfriend. It’s because of this stupid radio show. And no, I haven’t told her about this. It’s so embarrassing. I mean, what if she’s listened to it? I would die.

Oh no. I know who your girlfriend is. Frasier… I know who your girlfriend is and she does listen to your show.

Jennifer Jareau - 2:00 AM Talk Show

Good Morning, Denver! This is Jennifer Jareau, coming to you live from our school’s radio station! You may be thinking, “Wow! A new voice!” and to that I say, “Yes!” You see, I happen to be your usual host’s girlfriend… Not only that, but I’m also the writer of your favorite column in the daily newspaper. Now, you might be wondering-

JJ, I swear to god…

Yes, Honey Bun? Is there something you’d like to say?

[A heavy sigh] I’m an idiot and Jennifer Jareau is a genius...

That’s what I thought you were going to say.

Can I do my radio show, please?

The bet was that I got to host, so let me host! This is the ultimate multimedia experience.

Can I write one of your columns?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, ok.

So, what should we talk about? Our first date? Our first time kissing? Our first time having sex? Oh my god.

Wow, you got Hotch to stand up. So quickly, too.

That glare is really scary, actually. Oh! He knocked! Guys! I got a Hock!

You know, hearing someone else say that… It’s not so good, huh?

Is Knotch better? He’s shaking his head. He’s saying something. Wow! You really can’t hear him at all.

Not even a little bit.

Dear Listeners, I’m truly living the dream. Hotch knocked at me, I’m in the booth and I’m sitting on Emily’s lap.

JJ! My anonymity! You said my name!!

Oops? Think it’ll get back to your mother?

God, I hope so. Why don’t we just make out for an hour with the mic on? And… Yup. He’s coming in.