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If you would feel the same

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If you would feel the same



Sometimes, Mek thought to himself with a wildly beating heart and a secret smile on his face, he was happy, Boss didn’t know about Mek’s feelings for him.

Sometimes, like right now, when Boss was tired and tipsy and clingy. When he was leaning against Mek with no more thoughts about anyone else.

Mek pushed the memories of Boss’ flirting aside for the happiness of the moment. Just for now, he promised himself. He didn’t even want more, just what he had right now.

“Hubbyyyy ...”

Boss’ face was smashed against Mek’s chest, his arms tight around his back with no way to move away. How lucky that Mek didn’t even want to, sitting as still as possible to make sure Boss would stay as long as possible.

Like a cat ...

Mek laughed to himself and slowly started ruffling through Boss’ hair as if he had any right to do so. Well, he had, as a friend, but ...

No. Mek shook his head and let out a deep sigh. As long as Boss was okay with it, he would do it. And really, Boss was demanding it by now, leaving Mek with no chance to deny.

“More”, the words were rather mumbled into his shirt and Mek could feel it dampen already, “mohooore.”

Good thing, Mek thought to himself, he was having such a good practice already with years of experience how Boss could be.
Good thing, he was used to having Boss close, to knowing the feeling of his arm around him, his breath on his skin. Good thing, he knew it didn’t mean a thing. Not what he wanted it to mean anyway.

Ruffling Boss’ hair rougher, Mek laughed: “Like that?”

Drunken, wide eyes looked up at him and Mek wondered how his heart could continue beating with a sight like that.

“Perfect! You’re the perfect hubby!”

“Shut it”, Mek pushed Boss’ head down to make sure the man couldn’t see his obvious blush, even though he was probably able to feel the rising heat and running pulse anyway.

“I wanna be your perfect wife”, Boss continued, despite his face being smashed against Mek’s chest once more. A move, he should have thought about before. Gosh, could his heartbeat get any faster? How ridiculous!

“I told you to shut up or I won’t let you cuddle.”

He could even hear the sound of Boss’ teeth clamping shut, his body going still as Mek continued to run his fingers through Boss’ hair.

And he almost wished Boss wouldn’t have stopped, so he’d be out of this situation, but he was also glad he had. Because he’d burn this memory into his mind forever, as he had done with every other one of them together.

Husband and wife ... what a joke ...

“Get a room.”

Mek looked up to see Bohn staring at them with a cocked eyebrow and a knowing smile. But he couldn’t know, could he? Mek stared at him until Bohn shrugged and turned away to get another drink and flirt with another girl.

Either, he knew, or he didn’t and Mek wasn’t sure what he’d want more.

The lack of movement in the body squished against him, made him look down again.

Boss was fast asleep, now drooling over his shirt in a way that should have been repulsive or at least annoying. But Mek would let him drool over every single one of his shirts if he’d be his boyfriend.

No, he had to contradict himself, he’d even let him do it as a friend. Because despite his heartbreak, he was happy to have Boss close. To have this friendship with him. To be so close.
And he’d let him drool over everything as long as he’d stay by his side.
And he’d continue to burn every single moment into his memory.

Because one day, he was sure, Boss would find the perfect partner for himself and it wouldn’t me Mek anymore, he’d hug and cling to. It wouldn’t be Mek any longer, who he’d call his “hubby” and be soft with.
One day, Mek would have to step back for Boss’ happiness and he’d do it quietly.

Because he wouldn’t be the one ...


The racing of Mek’s heart was vibrating through his body, calming him down as much as it excited him, made him wonder why Mek was so nervous. Was it him? Maybe? Hopefully?

But then he remembered and the hope dropped back into the bottomless darkness, leaving him cold except for the bits where Mek touched.

Boss probably should have moved away, but he was too tipsy to deny himself this one moment, this rare occasion of Mek indulging him for such a long time.

Good thing, he thought as he felt himself getting more and more sleepy, that Mek had no idea what he was feeling. Because otherwise, he would have never let him be so clingy.

Pushing his face even deeper into Mek’s chest, he concentrated on the heartbeat of the man he loved too much to comprehend.

What a good thing, really ...


“Hey”, Tee leaned closer so he could whisper in Mek’s ear, “Is this guy hitting on Boss?”

Mek whipped around so fast, he needed a moment to even locate Boss in the middle of the library, talking to someone next to a bookshelf.

“What do you mean?”, he whispered, right as Boss started to laugh at something the man had said, his whole face lighting up as if it had been the best joke of the universe.

He got shushed instantly, people around them throwing daggers at them, but both men just giggled and moved closer together, as if they shared a secret.

There was a knot sitting in Mek’s stomach, heavy and cold.

“I am sure it’s obvious”, Tee muttered, “I didn’t know he was also into men?”

Me neither, Mek thought but kept quiet as he concentrated on Boss again, who was still giggling and leaning even closer to whoever the hell this was.

Was he? Was Boss into men as well?
Mek swallowed the rising bile and tried to think straight. Straight, ha ...

This didn’t change a thing. No matter what genders Boss was attracted to, he didn’t like Mek, did he? So, him flirting with men didn’t change a thing because there still wasn’t a damn chance for Mek.

Still, it somehow felt different now, a tiny voice in his head wondering if there had been a slight chance he hadn’t known about. If he just should have asked or pushed or do anything else. Anything, something ...

Boss straightened up again to point to a book nearby, seeming so confident and different from the one Mek knew. The one who was whining the whole time, asking for help permanently, clinging on to Boss’ arm with puppy eyes.

No, this man right there wasn’t the same. He seemed confident and mature as if he wanted to show off. As if he wanted to impress this man and was able to shed his usual behaviour with ease.

A wink and another laugh followed, feeling rather like a roundhouse kick to his chest than anything else.

He didn’t really need Mek and their friendship, did he? He could be confident and skilful and happy without him, didn’t he?

Horrible, poisonous bile rose in his throat as he continued to watch, the bit of confidence he’d had in their friendship sinking like a corpse in cold water.

“I should stop, shouldn’t I?”, he whispered, more to himself than to Tee, but his friend still replied.

“You mean your friendship? Dude, if you can’t take it anymore because of your feelings you should at least confess to him first. Why should you break off your friendship like that? He’d be devastated.”

“Would he?”

Mek couldn’t keep the pain out of his voice. But Tee rolled his eyes.

“Because of this dude now? Seriously, Mek, Boss would be helpless without you. I can promise you he’d be crying in front of your door like a baby for weeks if you’d do it. Him flirting for five minutes with one guy doesn’t mean your friendship doesn’t mean anything to him.”

Of course, this made sense, Mek knew, but ...

“I told you already to confess if being friends isn’t enough for you, dumbass and now go back to reading, he’s looking at us!”

Staring at the letters in front of him as if he had any idea what they meant, Mek refused to look up again until Boss was firmly seated next to him again. And even then it took some time until he could lock eyes again, his raging heartbeat finally under control.

If Boss thought his behaviour was strange, he didn’t ask, his goofy self once again. But maybe he felt something was up, Mek thought later, realising how Boss had for once kept his distance after he had come back.

Or had it been because he’d still been thinking about this guy?

Was this the way it would be when he’d finally get a partner?

If Mek ignored all of Boss’ messages in the evening, pretending to be asleep early, no one would ever know.


Boss had wondered, for some time, about his sexuality. Mek had been the first guy he’d fallen for, but he didn’t have to be the last, did he?
And if getting a girlfriend as a distraction didn’t work out, he could try to woo a man, could he?

Or so he had thought as he’d started talking to the guy in the library, feeling surprisingly confident for some time. The guy thought he was funny and didn’t step back but leaned closer. He seemed nice and he was attractive and yes, Boss was sure he was attracted to more men besides Mek. He was sure, but ...

“Who’s this guy?”


Boss blinked, wondering what ... Alex? Ai? Am? ... was talking about. The guy got closer and pointed behind Boss, making him turn. Just to look directly at Mek and Tee, who were staring at them from their table, whispering to each other.

What ...

“Who’s this guy? The tall one? He looks pissed”, Alex? looked at Boss once more, frowning, “Is he your boyfriend?”

He’d managed till now, he really had. He’d felt almost confident, believing he might have a tiny chance with this one and it might be a possibility to get over Mek. So, he didn’t really understand why he had to fuck it all up with his next words.

“No, he’s my husband.”


Listening to Boss talk about Fon was a new kind of pain, Mek had neither expected nor experienced yet. He was so used to Boss running after men and women but always coming back to him with a shrug and a defeated smile, knowing there was an actual girlfriend now, was like being hit in the face constantly.

Constantly, because every sentence which included her name was a reminder and Boss included her name often. Very often. As if Mek could forget or ignore it. As if he had to prove anything.

As if Boss’ smiling face wasn’t a reminder anyway, his giddy walk filled with more joy than should possibly fit into a human being.

Really, it was as if Boss pulled all happiness out of Mek, right into himself, leaving Mek empty except for the constant ache. And he had no one else to blame than himself. Mek would have laughed if the bile in his throat hadn’t kept him from doing so, cold fury towards Boss and the world running through his veins.

“Fuck off”, he wanted to yell when Boss sat too close, their legs touching.

“Leave me alone”, he wanted to grumble when Boss stared at him with puppy eyes, asking for help once more.

“Come back to me”, he wanted to beg when Boss turned towards Fon with a smile, leaving Mek’s side empty and cold.

No, he really hadn’t expected any of this, had thought he was prepared and ready to be second in line, next to a girlfriend or boyfriend.

But the way his heart got squeezed into the tiniest ball in existence, barely holding a breath, there was only pain left.

When, he wondered, would Boss leave him?
When would he stop turning back to him for help?
When would he realise he didn’t need Mek? Didn’t need his friendship?

With each passing day, each Fon-filled sentence, Mek dreaded this moment as much as he wished for it, feeling as if he was only a hollow corpse, with nothing but desperation left.

After all, he couldn’t leave Boss, no matter how much he tried to push him away. In the end, it was impossible to cut the thread connecting them. But one day, he hoped and feared, Boss would do it on his own, finally finishing this relationship between them.

And really, Mek hoped to see him go with a smile, no turning back.


Fon ... Fon ... Fon ... Fon!

If he said his girlfriend’s name often enough, he’d be able to get over Mek, Boss was sure. If he’d remind himself often enough of her, he’d stop loving Mek.

Maybe, he thought with a bitter taste in his mouth, he should also stay away from Mek, keep his distance and stop asking for help. Maybe, he gritted his teeth, he shouldn’t search for new ways to get Mek’s distance and attention.

Well, staying away had been his plan at first. He’d been rather determined also. At least until Mek had pulled back visibly, keeping his distance subtly but clearly.

It had been exactly what he’d wanted, but suddenly Boss panicked, feeling as if the ground beneath his feet was slipping away. And with everything he had, he held on to Mek.

Whether it was voting for Fon or learning to ride a bike or any of those millions of small questions he wanted to discuss with Mek, he held on to him, literally grabbed his shirt and begged him for help, any help, any attention, while muttering Fon’s name like a spell. As if it would make anything better. As if it would help him stay sane while he sacrificed his last bit of pride and confidence.

Just to be close to Mek.
Just to keep this last thread he had with Mek.

Otherwise, as soon as he’d stop, he was sure, Mek would turn away and leave, cut him off and let him fall.

He might behave childishly, he might be desperate and contradicting, but he couldn’t let go.
He simply couldn’t ...


Luckily, Mek thought as he woke up with Boss’ arms draped over him in a familiar fashion, he was used to this.
Luckily, he continued, trying to calm his racing heart down, Boss didn’t know about his feelings, didn’t know what he was doing to Mek.

Carefully, he tried pushing Boss’ arms and legs off of him, wondering how two arms and two legs could give the impression of an octopus.

“No”, Boss grumbled, pulling himself closer again and ended up pressed even closer against Mek, who suddenly lay very still.

“Hubby”, Boss’ raspy voice vibrated against Mek’s chest and he knew he wouldn’t be able to move on his own again, “Babe?”

Everything froze, every thought, every movement, simply everything. Was Boss dreaming about Fon? Was he mistaking Mek for Fon? Was ... he felt himself getting sick. Sick and full of panic, wishing himself away to ...


His head whipped around to look at Boss because he couldn’t do anything else.

Boss wasn’t dreaming, his eyes open and worried, no matter how sleepy he still seemed.

“Are you okay?”

“I ...”, how should he explain it?

Boss pushed himself up a bit, a frown appearing on his forehead before he started smiling a tense smile: “Don’t tell me you completely forgot? Again?”


Memories of shared kisses, holding hands and adoring giggles came back like a dream.
A dream he’d had so often, knowing this was real seemed even more surreal than thinking of it as a fantasy.

Suddenly Boss was on top of him, cradling him with a huff and a mixture between frustration and amusement.

“You”, he poked his finger against Mek’s ribcage, his hair falling over his eyes, “You are my boyfriend. This is not a dream.”

“I am?”, his own words seemed so weak and Mek couldn’t but stare helplessly upwards, finally waking up properly to his new reality. A reality in which he wasn’t helplessly in love with Boss, but instead Boss was his boyfriend.

More memories came flooding back into his mind and he felt his cheeks heating up. Scratch that, his neck and face and whole body was on fire. Not from being touched by Boss, but from knowing what it meant.

“I’m the insecure one in this relationship”, Boss grumbled, now holding Mek’s face in his hands, “So why is it always you who forgets we’re a couple now?”

Mek stared at the sharp cheekbones of his boyfriend, the wild bed hair, the glinting eyes, felt his pulse through the tips of his fingers, the familiar and delicious weight on top of him.

Could this be reality?

Could this man be his?

Bonking his forehead against Mek’s with more force than probably necessary, Boss effectively brought him back to the present.

“Hey, I’m the one who needs to get pampered!”

It felt as if he was finally being grounded again, no longer wondering if this was a dream.
Mek started smirking and held on to Boss’ waist.

“I’ve done that way too long. Now it’s my turn.”

“To be pampered? Aren’t you too tall for that?”

With one shove, Mek was kneeling above Boss, both of them staring breathlessly at each other.

He was ready.

Ready to tickle his best friend until he would be crying and laughing for every neighbour to hear.

Ready to kiss his boyfriend senseless, to remind them over and over again that this was real.

They were real. It wasn’t hopeless any longer, it wasn’t just a dream.

They were real.

Watching Boss’ expression, he knew he was ready for everything he’d do.
Because they were everything for each other.


I love him. I love him. I love him so much ...

Please stay.
Please believe me.
Please stay.
Please believe me.
Please ...

I love you.

Let me love you.


the End