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the one where keith meets his maker (literally)

Chapter 2: the one where momma mullet meets the squad

Summary:

Podge: WE’RE MEETING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TODAY

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The Blades

 

Krolia: I’m meeting Keith’s friends today.

 

Thace: Yay!

 

Krolia: Not yay.

 

Regris: Not yay?

 

Krolia: No.

 

Krolia: I’m nervous again.

 

Kolivan: I thought meeting Takashi and Adam went well.

 

Krolia: It did.

 

Krolia: And so did meeting Kosmo.

 

Ulaz: Who’s Kosmo?

 

Krolia: Keith’s “dog”.

 

Regris: uhh “dog”??

 

Krolia: Kosmo is a wolf.

 

Thace: Is that even legal?

 

Thace: DONT SAY THAT YOURE ABOVE THE LAW

 

Krolia: I wasn’t going to.

 

Krolia: I was going to say that Keith is above the law.

 

Thace: I walked right into that one :(

 

Ulaz: Yes you did.

 

Regris: Ulaz isn’t even nice to his husband tsk tsk

 

Thace: He’s just brutally honest

 

Ulaz: Why would I lie?

 

Kolivan: Sometimes I wish you would.

 

Regris: Is this because he said your pants made you look fat yesterday?

 

Regris: Bc they did and you were the one asking about it

 

Ulaz: I don’t comment unless prompted.

 

Thace: He’s like a little robot!

 

Ulaz: I’m not little.

 

Thace: You’re littler than me

 

Regris: Tbf its kinda hard not to be

 

Krolia: Yes, yes, Thace is huge, but let’s get back to the issue at hand.

 

Krolia: Also Ulaz was doing you a favor by insulting your pants, Kolivan.

 

Kolivan: I hate all of you.

 

Regris: WE LOVE YOU TOO <33333

 

Thace: ^^^

 

Krolia: I’m not nervous about them liking me so much as me not liking them.

 

Ulaz: Explain.

 

Krolia: Keith really wants this to go well, and so do I. 

 

Krolia: It would kill him if I didn’t like his friends.

 

Thace: oh god what if you dont like LANCE

 

Krolia: Don’t put that thought in my head Thace.

 

Regris: That would be very bad

 

Kolivan: Hasn’t Keith told you about them?

 

Kolivan: Haven’t we all told you about them?

 

Krolia: Yes, but still.

 

Thace: aww Krolia 

 

Krolia: What?

 

Thace: You’re so soft for Keith!

 

Ulaz: It is adorable.

 

Kolivan: If Ulaz says it, I guess it’s true then.

 

Regris: I can sense the saltiness from over here Kolivan

 

Krolia: I just really need to like his friends.

 

Krolia: And Lance.

 

Ulaz: You aren’t scared that they won’t like you?

 

Krolia: No, I’m amazing.

 

Thace: We love self-confidence :)

 

Kolivan: Krolia, I’m sure it will be fine. 

 

Kolivan: They’re probably nervous to meet you too.

 

The Squad™

 

Podge: WE’RE MEETING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TODAY

 

Hunky: IM SO EXCITED

 

Sharpshooter: MOMMA MULLET CHAIN

 

Podge: MOMMA MULLET

 

Hunky: MOMMA MULLET

 

MattyPatty: MOMMA MULLET

 

Mrs.Dad: MOMMA MULLET

 

Samurai: Adam you already met her???

 

Mrs.Dad: Yeah so what?

 

Mr.Dad: She spent most of the time with Kosmo, so we really didn’t meet her.

 

Samurai: It’s not her fault that Kosmo is better than you.

 

Mrs.Dad: ouch :(

 

Sharpshooter: I’d defend you but Kosmo is my child :(((

 

MattyPatty: My nephew or my best friend 

 

MattyPatty: Who should I choose

 

Mrs.Dad: ...nephew :((

 

MattyPatty: sorry Adam

 

Mr.Dad: I hope this time we can actually talk to her.

 

Samurai: You did talk though

 

Mr.Dad: Not about her

 

Mrs.Dad: Well, it was kinda your fault for starting off by mentioning the time Keith almost stabbed you to death

 

Mr.Dad: I DIDNT KNOW SHE WOULD START RANTING ABOUT KNIVES

 

Samurai: She gave birth to me Shiro you should have known

 

Podge: I can’t believe I’m a simp for Krolia 

 

Princess: I can’t believe I still haven’t spoken to her.

 

Hunky: Matt hasn’t either 

 

MattyPatty: a fact I’m STILL not okay with btw

 

MattyPatty: what’s the point of working at Alfor’s if I don’t get to talk to Keith’s mom

 

Princess: Normally I don’t agree with you when you complain about your job, but I’m making an exception this time.

 

Princess: even SHAY has met her 

 

Mustache: She just doesn’t want to talk to people while she eats! It’s very understandable!

 

Mustache: Shay only met her because Krolia sits in her area

 

MattyPatty: yeah but Shay won’t switch with me :(((

 

Mustache: I don’t control her 

 

Hunky: yeah! Shay is a strong, independent woman!

 

Mustache: You should’ve just bribed her Matt!

 

Hunky: Coran!!

 

Mustache: Yes?

 

Princess: that still doesn’t explain why I haven’t met her yet

 

Mustache: That’s simple.

 

Mustache: I forgot to introduce you two!

 

Princess: ... 

 

Podge: honest mistake tbf

 

Sharpshooter: yeah Coran has lots of stuff going on

 

Samurai: Allura you couldv’e just went over to “check on how she’s liking the place”

 

Mrs.Dad: *could’ve

 

Samurai: what are you an English teacher?

 

Mr.Dad: He COULD’VE been

 

Samurai: you’re both dead to me

 

Mrs.Dad: D:

 

Mr.Dad: fine by me

 

Mr.Dad: my chances of getting stabbed to death will decrease significantly

 

Samurai: Just because you’re dead to me doesn’t mean I won’t stab you

 

Samurai: accidnettally 

 

Mr.Dad: *accidentally

 

Samurai: Okay where are you

 

Samurai: I need help

 

Mr.Dad: I’m right down the block. What’s wrong?

 

Samurai: I need help finding you so I can stab you

 

Mr.Dad: oh no

 

Mrs.Dad : TAKASHI RUN HES ABOVE THE LAW

 

Samurai: After I stab your husband, I’m coming for you 

 

Hunky: Is this normal????

 

MattyPatty: Yes

 

Podge: yeah

 

Sharpshooter: you should see them do this in person 

 

Sharpshooter: it’s worse

 

Hunky: How can it get worse?????

 

Sharpshooter: if THIS is too much for you then you don’t wanna know

 

Mr.Dad: (selfie of himself and Keith--Shiro is smiling, and Keith has his knifepoint touching his prosthetic arm)

 

Mr.Dad: guess you’re next sweetheart

 

Mrs.Dad: oh the humanity

 

Princess: I want this.

 

MattyPatty: Hey! Being lonely and single is MY thing

 

Princess: you aren’t single anymore so somebody has to take up the mantle

 

MattyPatty: Just sayin, if you accepted my marriage proposal a year ago you wouldn’t have this problem

 

Samurai: WHAT

 

Mr.Dad: You never told me you guys dated

 

Princess: We didn’t.

 

Princess: He just had a huge, adorable crush on me.

 

Podge: ha SIMP

 

MattyPatty: quIET

 

Hunky: We were all there Matt

 

Hunky: You were definitely simping for Allura buddy

 

Sharpshooter: tbf I think we all were

 

Mustache: No I think it was just you and Matt if I’m remembering correctly!

 

Sharpshooter: thx for that Coran

 

Mrs.Dad: wait wait wait

 

Mrs.Dad: can someone please tell me how this proposal happened??

 

MattyPatty: I shall tell the tale

 

MattyPatty: I got drunk on accident

 

MattyPatty: and proposed to Allura at the Alfor’s New Years Eve Party

 

Podge: Y’all should’ve seen it

 

Princess: It was kind of sweet?

 

MattyPatty: gee thanks Allura

 

Princess: You slurred together most of your “speech” and then face planted while trying to get down on one knee

 

Princess: we didn’t even realize it was a proposal until after you sobered up and showed us the napkin you wrote the “speech” on

 

MattyPatty: ...in my defence it was a lot more romantic in my head

 

MattyPatty: also

 

MattyPatty: DONT PUT QUOTES AROUND SPPEECH IT WAS BEAUTRIFUL I SHOULD BE A FAMOUS POIET

 

Podge: Idk which word to make fun of

 

Samurai: all of them

 

Mr.Dad: Don’t make fun of Matt for proposing to Allura

 

MattyPatty: THANK YOU SHIRO :D

 

Mr.Dad: His proposal to me was much funnier

 

MattyPatty : NOOOOOO I TRUSTED YOU

 

Mrs.Dad: wHAT

 

Sharpshooter: TELL US TELL US TELL US

 

Hunky: guys?

 

Sharpshooter: yes hunky the loml?

 

Mrs.Dad: wth lance

 

Sharpshooter: *2nd loml

 

MattyPatty: BETRAYED AGAIN

 

Sharpshooter: **3rd loml

 

Hunky: ...

 

Hunky: hate to break this up but we’re meeting Krolia soon and I think that literally nobody is on their way

 

Sharpshooter: oh no I’m already here

 

Mustache: He’s been here for an hour now!

 

Samurai: jesus lance why?

 

Sharpshooter: ...so she’s impressed with my punctuality??

 

Podge: how adorable

 

Hunky: you know I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be sarcastic or not

 

Podge: yes

 

Sharpshooter: she means it but like in a condescending “lance you dummy (thicc)” kinda way

 

Podge: ew

 

Samurai: that makes sense

 

Samurai: Lance she’s going to love you

 

Samurai: and she’s going to love all of you

 

Samurai: if she doesn’t then I’ll take away her Kosmo visitation rights

 

Sharpshooter: YOU DISCUSSED VISITATION RIGHTS WITHOUT ME????

 

Mr.Dad: Adam they’re just like us

 

Mrs.Dad: oh no

 

Samurai: lance its not that big of a deal i mean shes my mother 

 

Sharpshooter: NOT A BIG DEAL???

 

Samurai: not THAT big of a deal

 

Sharpshooter: IM GETTING A DIVORCE AND TAKING THE KIDS

 

Samurai: kids????

 

Samurai: plural????

 

Sharpshooter: i was waiting for the right moment to tell you but

 

Sharpshooter: IM PREGNANT

 

Samurai: HOW

 

Sharpshooter: WITH TWINS

 

Sharpshooter: (picture of two kittens)

 

Samurai: my children!!

 

Samurai: LANCE YOU CANT DO THIS

 

Sharpshooter: YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I CAN

 

Samurai: aww you think I have a sweet ass

 

Samurai: the feeling is mutual btw ;)

 

Sharpshooter: I-

 

Sharpshooter: Okay all is forgiven :)

 

Sharpshooter: when do you want to meet and name the kiddos

 

Samurai: After lunch with Krolia?

 

Sharpshooter: Sure thing!

 

Samurai : <3  

 

Sharpshooter: <3

 

Podge: wtf did I just watch

 

Mrs.Dad: marriage?

 

Mr.Dad: Adam they’re more married than we are

 

Princess: I think it was a sign for me to ignore the group chat for the rest of the day.

 

MattyPatty: Do you solve all your arguments like that?

 

Sharpshooter: yes (and with communication wuw)

 

Samurai: you should try the flirting method with Curtis next time you fight about video games

 

MattyPatty: likeeeee using bad pickup lines? ;)

 

Sharpshooter: the worst ;) 

 

Hunky : LANCE YOU GOT CATS

Sharpshooter: ik!!!!

 

Sharpshooter : OH QUISZKAK

Mustache: lol

 

Hunky: Lance???

 

Samurai: oh no

 

Podge: what happened?

 

Mustache: Krolia just walked in

 

Samurai: and lance is still the only one there

 

Mr.Dad: how do you know that?

 

Samurai: lucky guess

 

Mrs.Dad: sorry lance :(

 

Mrs.Dad: we took public transportation today to see what its like

 

Samurai: Spoiler Alert: It sucks

 

Mr.Dad: language

 

Samurai: I hate this family

 

Mrs.Dad: Keith now is not the time.

 

Mrs.Dad: Your boyfriend is in peril.

 

Hunky: oh god hes gonna ramble

 

Podge : RESIST LANCE RESIST

 

Samurai: i think its cute when he rambles

 

Podge: You don’t understand Keith

 

Podge: this is your MOM

 

Samurai: yeah so?

 

Hunky: Keith he’s going to ramble about YOU

 

Samurai: OH NO

 

MattyPatty: I WISH I WAS AT WORKKKKK

 

Mustache: no you dont

 

MattyPatty: yeah u right i dont

 

Mrs.Dad: Coran give us updates!

 

Mustache: no im eating ice cream

 

Mrs.Dad: fair enough

 

Mr.Dad: Keith I’m sorry it had to end this way

 

Samurai: I love him :((((

 

Samurai: and now hes gonna dieeee

 

Samurai: Krolia’s gonna stab him

 

Podge: you sound more like lance every day ya simp

 

Hunky: at least we’ll have something to remember him by!

 

Samurai: HES GOING TO MAKE ME A WIDOW

 

Samurai: WE JUST GOT TWO MORE KIDS

 

MattyPatty: i cant tell if keith is serious or not about Krolia stabbing lance

 

Mr.Dad: (picture of Keith looking absolutely DEVASTATED)

 

Mrs.Dad: I think he IS serious

 

Podge: Krolia won’t kill Lance

 

Samurai: SHES ABOVE THE LAW KATIE

 

Hunky: Okay but now that im thinking about it

 

Hunky: Maybe she’ll like that Lance is ranting about Keith

 

Samurai: thats the problem isnt it?

 

Hunky: ?

 

Samurai: I DONT KNOW HER WELL ENOUGH TO GUESS WHAT SHES GOING TO DO

 

MattyPatty: Lance’s possible murder aside

 

MattyPatty: this is the most animated Keith has been through texting like,,,, ever

 

Samurai: im taking a nap

 

Mrs.Dad: thats just going to make you hyper

 

Mr.Dad: hes already asleep

 

Mrs.Dad: Didn’t even turn off his phone the little 

 

Mr.Dad: Adams phone has been taken away to avoid insulting my little brother.

 

Podge: hahaha

 

Mustache: This ice cream is good!

 

Hunky: what flavor is it?

 

Mustache: I have no idea!

 

Mustache: It’s unlabeled

 

MattyPatty: CORAN THATS MINE

 

MattyPatty: I MADE THAT LAST WEEK WTH

 

Mustache: You should have labeled it matthew

 

MattyPatty: IT WAS IN MY PERSONAL MINIFRIDGE

 

Mustache: Your personal minifridge is in MY restaurant.

 

MattyPatty: the AUDACITY

 

MattyPatty: also traffic sucks rn im so sorry lance

 

Mrs.Dad: MATT I CAN SEE YOU

 

MattyPatty: ADAM

 

Podge: didn’t your phone JUST get taken?

 

Mrs.Dad: I saw matt and overcame all the odds <3

 

MattyPatty: <3

 

Princess: wake Keith up

 

Princess: He’ll want to see this

 

Mr.Dad: on it

 

Hunky: I thought you left the chat for today?

 

Princess: This is important

 

Podge: ooooo mystery~

 

Samurai: okay first of all

 

Samurai: what the hell shiro your feet stink

 

Samurai: second of all

 

Samurai: what’s up Allura?

 

Princess: (picture of Lance and Krolia laughing in a private room at Alfor’s while painting each other’s nails)

 

Samurai: oh thank god she didn’t kill him

 

Hunky: Keith your mom is adorable

 

MattyPatty: awwwww

 

Princess: oh no they caught me!!

 

Sharpshooter added Krolia to The Squad™

 

Sharpshooter: allura u so sneaky

 

Krolia: hello

 

Sharpshooter : MEET MY NEW BEST FRIEND

Samurai: Hey Krolia

 

Krolia: Don’t break up with Lance.

 

Samurai: I wont

 

Krolia: He can break up with you though, that’s fine.

 

Samurai: I-

 

MattyPatty: omg she likes lance more

 

Sharpshooter changed Krolia to Momma Mullet

 

Momma Mullet: lol

 

Samurai : LANCE YOU BROKE KROLIA

 

Sharpshooter: I taught her text lingo

 

Samurai: YOU BROKE HER

 

Sharpshooter: I also taught her how to paint her nails

 

Sharpshooter: apparently she’s only ever worn stick on nails

 

Momma Mullet: They’re no-nonsense and take no time at all to put on.

 

Sharpshooter: but we had so much fun :((((

 

Sharpshooter: so many bonding moments :(((

 

Momma Mullet: Yes we did :)

 

Sharpshooter : :D

Mrs.Dad: I want to see this in person more than anything I’ve ever wanted ever

 

Mr.Dad: Even our marriage?

 

Mrs.Dad: yes

 

MattyPatty: WERE ALMOST THERE

 

Podge: apparently traffic only lets up once matt and adam start being gay

 

Mrs.Dad: I can’t decide if that means the universe is a gay icon or if the drivers are just homophobic

 

Podge: who cares

 

Momma Mullet: The universe is a gay icon.

 

Momma Mullet: I care, Katie.

 

Podge: IM SO SORRY 

 

Hunky: I don’t think your marriage with Keith’s mom is going to work out Pidge :(

 

Podge: NOOOOOO

 

Momma Mullet: I was never married to you.

 

Momma Mullet: I don’t even know you.

 

Podge: ouch :(

 

Sharpshooter: scroll up K

 

Momma Mullet: Okay.

 

Samurai: Today feels like a fever dream.

 

Hunky: Idk Keith this is the cutest thing ive ever seen

 

Hunky: im here btw

 

Hunky: the gay icon universe also helped with my traffic!

 

Hunky: (picture of Lance showing Krolia TikTok)

 

MattyPatty: PLEASE make her make a tiktok account

 

Sharpshooter: shes on it

 

MattyPatty: YES

 

Podge: I’m getting TikTok just for her

 

Sharpshooter: Also, Keith

 

Sharpshooter: she wanted me to tell you that she would never stab me

 

Sharpshooter: oh and she wanted to tell Pidge that she’s flattered because you seem like a nice person but youre way too young for her

 

Podge: Sad, but true

 

Podge: also I don’t even feel that way about anyone lmao

 

MattyPatty: I can see that you’re deflecting your pain with the lmao Katie :(

 

MattyPatty: Does your heart need grief counceling? 

 

Podge: Maybe if you spelled counselling right I would answer that question

 

Hunky: guys!!!

 

Hunky: go follow Momma Mullet on TikTok

 

Mrs.Dad: Is that actually her username??

 

Hunky: YES!!

 

Mr.Dad: I think I might get TikTok now too Pidge

 

Mrs.Dad: bitch please you already have TikTok

 

Mr.Dad: what? No I don’t

 

Samurai: You’re making your liar face Takashi

 

Mr.Dad: No I’m not

 

Mr.Dad: And I don’t have a liar face

 

Mrs.Dad: Sureeeee Mr. 1M followers

 

Mr.Dad: dang it

 

Podge: wHAT

 

Momma Mullet: Lance showed me your TikTok Shiro.

 

Momma Mullet: It was very informative.

 

Mr.Dad: NO LANCE WHY

 

Sharpshooter: For the drama

 

Hunky: He showed me too

 

Hunky: bc I’m here

 

Hunky: unlike you

 

MattyPatty: daaaang Hunk is salty today

 

Podge: I have TikTok

 

Podge: what’s shiro’s username

 

Mr.Dad: DONT TELL HER

 

Podge: oh wait i can just see who Krolia is following

 

Podge: oh my god

 

Mr.Dad: Katie please

 

Podge: SHIRO HAS A BAKUDEKU FAN ACCOUNT

 

Podge : WITH LIKE A MILLION FOLLOWERS

MattyPatty: Takashi wowwww

 

Mr.Dad: :(

 

Mrs.Dad: OH LOOK we’re here now

 

Mr.Dad: Don’t try to be nice to me when you were the reason this happened in the first place.

 

Mrs.Dad: Okay would you rather stay here and be made fun of or?

 

Mr.Dad: ...Oh look at that we’re finally here

 

Samurai: I can see them from here

 

Samurai: I cant believe im her least favorite son now.

 

Momma Mullet: Lance and I have bonded.

 

Momma Mullet: As friends as well as possible family.

 

Sharpshooter: She gave me your hand in marriage Keithy ;))))

 

Podge: The one time we’re all late for something smh

 

Princess: Everyone’s phones are going in the Basket btw

 

MattyPatty: NOT THE BASKET D:

 

Princess: Yes Matt

 

Princess: The Basket

 

Mustache: Boo

 

Princess: If you give me some of Matt’s ice cream you can keep your phone

 

Mustache: Deal.

 

MattyPatty: Alluraaa what the heck?!

 

Princess: It’s our place

 

Princess: Deal with it :)

 

MattyPatty: THIS is why we kicked y’all out of the employee group chat

 

Podge: ooooo he used y’all

 

Mrs.Dad: he ANGRY angry

 

Princess: Phones. Basket. Now.

 

Princess: i can’t believe I’m saying this but follow lance’s example 

 

Podge: okay fine

 

(Two hours later.)

 

Momma Mullet: I enjoyed meeting all of you today.

 

MattyPatty: I think I can speak for everyone when I say

 

MattyPatty: WE LOVE YOU WUW

 

Princess: It was nice to meet one of Uncle’s friends!

 

Mrs.Dad: Shiro and I were glad to finally talk to you :) <3

 

Momma Mullet: But I enjoyed meeting Lance the most.

 

Sharpshooter: aw shucks K you’re making me blush

 

Samurai: My mother stole my boyfriend.

 

Mr.Dad: I feel your pain

 

Mrs.Dad: who stole me?

 

Mr.Dad: Lance and Matt

 

Mr.Dad: and my dad

 

Mrs.Dad: okay trueee

 

MattyPatty: dad has a dad?

 

Podge: dadception

 

Mr.Dad: guys you’ve met my parents

 

Hunky: Well the rest of us still need to meet our grandparents Shiro

 

Mr.Dad: no

 

Hunky: :((((((

 

Mr.Dad: They were at the wedding Hunk

 

Hunky: WHERE

 

Sharpshooter: You didn’t meet them?

 

Hunky: no :(

 

Samurai: They’re coming to visit during spring break so you can meet them there

 

Hunky: Yay!

 

Momma Mullet: Do I also get to meet them?

 

Samurai: Yeah but I forgot to tell them that you exist now

 

Mr.Dad: KEITH

 

Samurai: Sorry

 

Momma Mullet: I’ve always existed.

 

Samurai: not to me

 

Sharpshooter: KEITH

 

Mr.Dad: KEITH

 

Samurai : WIAT THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

 

Momma Mullet: That’s okay.

 

Momma Mullet: Where the law was concerned I really didn’t exist, so you aren’t wrong.

 

Samurai: phew

 

Podge: hahahhahahah

 

Momma Mullet: Lance, will you remove me now?

 

Sharpshooter: no problemo

 

Sharpshooter removed Momma Mullet from The Squad™

 

Podge: NOOOOOOO

 

Podge: KROLIAAAA

 

MattyPatty: you’ll always have “she’s flattered”

 

Podge: being a simp is exhausting idk how klance does it every day

 

Sharpshooter: not exhausting if its loveeeeee

 

Samurai: ew thats sappy

 

Sharpshooter: Shut the hell up Keith I have screenshots

 

Samurai: ugh i love you too ig

 

Mr.Dad: Don’t mind him

 

Mr.Dad: He’s still upset that Krolia stole you

 

Sharpshooter: At least she likes me!!

 

Samurai: I’m not upset

 

Samurai: I’m just tired from stressing myself out all day

 

Sharpshooter: you wanna facetime?

 

Sharpshooter: I added a new product to my face regimen that I can show you!!!

 

Samurai: Okay :)

 

Podge: bruh keith hates beauty stuff wth

 

MattyPatty: Honestly I think he just likes hearing lance talk lmao

 

Podge: Ik he does its just funny

 

Podge: He doesn’t even wash his face

 

Hunky: You better hope Lance never sees these texts...

 

Mustache: Keith will get love tackled but with more vengeance in his eyes

 

Podge: not again

 

(One Hour Later.)

 

Samurai to Momma Mullet

 

Samurai: You keeping the name?

 

Momma Mullet: Yes, and so are you.

 

Samurai: what?

 

Momma Mullet changed Samurai to Baby Mullet

 

Baby Mullet: ...ill leave it for now 

 

Momma Mullet: You have to show your friends.

 

Momma Mullet: Tell them Lance taught me how to do it.

 

Baby Mullet: fine but Lance and I are going to be having words

 

Momma Mullet: I wouldn’t expect anything less.

 

The Squad™

 

Baby Mullet: Lance I hate you why did you show Krolia how to do this

 

Sharpshooter: awww baby mullet why you so angwy

 

Baby Mullet: die

 

Podge: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

 

Baby Mullet: I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU

 

Hunky: It was scary before but now its just cute!

 

Baby Mullet: N O

 

Mr.Dad: This is adorable Keith

 

Mrs.Dad: AWWWW KEITH ADMIT IT YOURE CUTE

 

Baby Mullet: I just came in here to show you the name before I changed it

 

Princess: Keith don’t do it

 

MattyPatty: This is the best name you’ve had yet :((

 

Mustache: Please keep the name!

 

MattyPatty: See even Coran and Allura agree!

 

Baby Mullet changed Baby Mullet to Samurai

 

Sharpshooter: NOOOOOO BABY MULLET

 

Samurai: HEY

 

Samurai: be glad im keeping our matching names Lance

 

Sharpshooter: :( okay

 

Podge: wow I can’t believe keith murdered baby mullet

 

MattyPatty: rip

 

Hunky: We should have a funeral!

 

Mrs.Dad: how does Sunday in our backyard sound?

 

Mrs.Dad: We can invite Krolia!

 

Samurai: Where was this respect when Kogayne died

 

MattyPatty: Kogayne can’t die bc it’s your last name

 

Samurai: No my last name is Kogane

 

MattyPatty: wait so you added the y in??

 

Podge: Matt what the hell youre supposed ot be smarter than this

 

MattyPatty: well YOURE supposed to be smart enough to spell to correctly

 

Princess: Both of you should be smart enough to put apostrophes in the word you’re

 

Podge: the holt siblings are taking the rest of the day off the group chat 

 

MattyPatty: we need to do some internal reflection 

 

Mrs.Dad: I can’t believe Allura was the genius of the group all along.

 

Princess: I have a PhD

 

Mrs.Dad: Wait really??

 

Princess: Yes. In business.

 

Mrs.Dad: Okay that makes sense actually

 

Hunky: Allura you’re so cool 

 

Princess: I know

 

Mustache: I think that’s why she doesn’t text here as much!

 

Mustache: You guys aren’t as cool as us 

 

Sharpshooter: Coran you wound me

 

Mustache: I’m sorry you feel that way

 

Sharpshooter: Ouchie :(

 

Samurai: I think you’re cool Lance :)

 

Sharpshooter: Yeah but Coran doesn’t :((((

 

Samurai: well screw coran then

 

Mustache: No thank you!

 

Samurai: Yeah okay sorry lance i cant help

 

Sharpshooter: I miss Krolia

 

Sharpshooter: She could take Coran

 

Mustache: mmmm I don’t think so

 

Mustache: If you think she’s mysterious you obviously haven’t met me :)

 

Hunky: why was that smiley face so menacing???

 

Mustache: Because it was meant to be ::)

 

Hunky : STOP ADDING EYES

 

Mustache: Goodbye everyone! See you tomorrow :::)

 

Mrs.Dad: Coran is my sleep paralysis demon

 

Mr.Dad: Is that why you’re scared of mustaches?

 

Mrs.Dad: Im not-

 

Mrs.Dad: THAT WAS YEARS AGO TAKASHI AND I WASNT SCARED OF THE MUSTACHE I WAS SCARED OF YOUR DAD

 

Mr.Dad: Yeah sure because my dad is much scarier than my mom who you were all chummy with in less than a minute

 

Mrs.Dad: HE IS AND YOU KNOW IT

 

Mrs.Dad : SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY SCARES ME

 

Mrs.Dad : HE WAS TOO NICE

Sharpshooter: ...I feel like I’m watching something I’m not meant to be 

 

Samurai: yeahhh I live with them and it feels that way all the time

 

Samurai: especially when they “play monopoly”

 

Samurai: I thought they were gonna respond but they took their argument to the bedroom so

 

Hunky : NOT MONOPOLY D:

 

Samurai: No just bickering while they cuddle or some shit

 

Sharpshooter: aw thats kinda cute

 

Samurai: If it turns into monopoly im kicking them out into the streets

 

Samurai: Kosmo will help me so they dont stand a chance

 

Hunky: Since its just us and its only a matter of time before you two start being all “Klance” again

 

Sharpshooter: HUNKETH

 

Hunky: I’m going to just leave and bake some cookies!

 

Hunky: I’ll bring some over tomorrow Lance don’t worry

 

Hunky: And Keith you can have some too :)

 

Sharpshooter: oooo thank you Hunk

 

Sharpshooter: you are forgiven :)

 

Hunky: bye guys!

 

Samurai: Bye Hunk

 

Samurai to Sharpshooter

 

Samurai: We need to name our children.

 

Sharpshooter: since I named Kosmo you can name these little ones

 

Samurai: send another pic?

 

Sharpshooter: (a picture of the two kittens napping)

 

Samurai: how about…

 

Samurai: red and blue??

 

Sharpshooter: you are not naming our kids after COLORS keith

 

Samurai: THEYRE GOOD NAMES LANCE

 

Sharpshooter: I can think of better names than that

 

Samurai: okay then do it

 

Sharpshooter: uhhh

 

Sharpshooter: kinda putting me on the spot here keithy

 

Samurai: mhm

 

Sharpshooter: okayokayokay

 

Sharpshooter: razzle and dazzle??

 

Samurai: no

 

Sharpshooter: ITS BETTER THAN COLORS KEITH

 

Samurai : NO THEY ARENT

 

Samurai: At least I chose names that included BOTH of us

 

Sharpshooter: how

 

Samurai: Red is my favorite color and blue is yours

 

Samurai: so the tabby one would be red and the grey one would be blue

 

Sharpshooter: ...okay that’s really sweet

 

Sharpshooter: how about we compromise?

 

Samurai: I’m not calling our children red-zle and blue-zle or some shit like that

 

Sharpshooter: what?? No those are awful names

 

Samurai: oh good

 

Samurai: What did you have in mind then?

 

Sharpshooter: I was thinking like Red Dazzle Kogane-McClain and Blue Razzle Kogane-McClain

 

Samurai: Okay that’s not as awful as before

 

Sharpshooter: AND THEN

 

Sharpshooter: every time we bring them into a room we can say “it’s razzle dazzle time!”

 

Samurai: That’s more of a you thing to say but ill bring the kittens in for the dramatic effect

 

Sharpshooter: seeeeee

 

Sharpshooter: if i can convince you to name our children that then no wonder Krolia loved me 

 

Samurai: speaking of Krolia

 

Samurai: I still can’t believe you taught Krolia how to use her phone in less than an hour when I could barely get her to figure out Facetime.

 

Sharpshooter: idk ig im just special :)

 

Samurai: You are

 

Sharpshooter: asjdkfsjlf KEITHY

 

Samurai: I think that someone would have to be very special to be allowed to be in a tiktok with krolia

 

Sharpshooter: oh you saw that haha

 

Samurai: Yeah

 

Samurai: It’s kinda cute i guess

 

Samurai: Just promise that you won’t do WAP with her and we’re good

 

Sharpshooter: oh nonono Krolia is too pure for WAP

 

Samurai: I feel like she’s killed people before so idk if you can call her pure lance

 

Samurai: also

 

Samurai: You won’t start liking her more than me right?

 

Sharpshooter: i could never

 

Sharpshooter: You’re my favorite person Keith :)

 

Samurai: ...did you just

 

Samurai: steal a line from Be More Chill??

 

Sharpshooter: YOU WERENT SUPPOSED TO UDNERSTAND THAT REFERENCE

 

Samurai: Wait

 

Samurai: how many romantic theatre lines have you stolen to say to me?

 

Sharpshooter: well I won’t do that anymore so you don’t need to know 

 

Sharpshooter: I never expected your theatre knowledge to actually grow soooo

 

Samurai: LANCE

 

Samurai: at least everything IVE told you is original ;(

 

Sharpshooter: I’ll be original from now on I promise :(

 

Samurai: I’m going to google everything you tell me from now on

 

Sharpshooter: what if it’s something you don’t want on your search history ;)))

 

Samurai: LANCE MCCLAIN

 

Samurai: That isn’t going to work on me.

 

Sharpshooter: hey at least it got a reaction 

 

Samurai : SHISITO SAW IT DANG IT

 

Sharpshooter: hahahhah shisito

 

Samurai: He just went to get Adam so they can give me another sex talk…

 

Samurai: Thanks Lance

 

Sharpshooter: oof sorry

 

Sharpshooter: Have fun?

 

Samurai: No.

 

Sharpshooter: I love you Keithy I’m sorry :( 

 

Samurai: I love you too

 

Samurai: Lancey <3

 

Sharpshooter: ASKDFSLDKFJ <3<3<3

 

The Blades

 

Momma Mullet: The meeting went well.

 

Momma Mullet: Lance is my new “bestie”.

 

Regris: wtf

 

Momma Mullet: Also follow me on TikTok.

 

Momma Mullet: Lance told me I’d get visitation rights to his and Keith’s new children if I surpassed Takashi’s Bakudeku account in followers.


Regris: WTF

 

Notes:

If you have any requests for future fics like this one, please leave them in the comments!