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What am I to you

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Fersen leaned against Lafayette resting his head against his shoulder. They were in his home discussing who knows what. They had gone off-topic and Fersen had forgotten why Lafayette had even come to his home. But that didn’t matter, he was glad Lafayette was here and he was glad Lafayette had not told him off for being so close to him. He placed his hand on top of Lafayette´s intertwining their fingers. He felt Lafayette tense and made no move to return his gesture. He frowned slightly but relaxed when Lafayette made no move to undo his hold. And Ever so hesitantly they looked into each other's eyes before glancing back at their intertwined hands. Fersen watched as Lafayette's face grew red and warm to the touch. They stayed quiet for a while both of them too scared to move. Fersen wanted to tighten his grip but was paralyzed fearing he had taken it too far. And Lafayette out of reflex wanted to undo the hold on his hand, but he feared offending Fersen. And they stared into each other's eyes, both too scared to move. Contemplating whether they should further the contact between them but stopping in fear of rejection from the other. And they were both too scared to let go for they feared it would be the last time they´d be this close. And finally, Fersen gained the courage to tighten his grip and bring his other hand to cup Lafayette's face. And to his surprise, Lafayette leaned forward and brushed his lips against his. But the second they touched there was a knock at the door and they both jumped backward putting as much distance between them before a servant entered the room. They awkwardly straightened their clothes as the servant stared at them wondering why the atmosphere was so awkward and tense. 

 

¨Sorry I'll come back another time¨ They left quickly. 

 

¨I have long overdue my stay, I'll be taking my leave now. Good day, Fersen¨. 

 

¨Lafayette wait please” Lafayette turned around. 

 

Fersen walked towards him gripping the sides of his coat before pulling him towards him and smashing their lips together. And Lafayette kissed back gripping his waist, they separated after a while. 

 

¨If you have nothing important to do I ask that you stay¨ Fersen intertwined their fingers ¨Please¨ he tightened his grip slightly. 

 

¨I- forgive me for being blunt but what is going on between us? We´ve ignored it far too long and it can't be put off to the side for much longer. So Fersen what am I to you?¨

 

¨You're my friend, someone who stood by my side during the war, someone whom I admire, and someone I hope to start a romantic relationship with. And if you wouldn't mind telling me what am I to you Gilbert?¨

 

Lafayette took a deep breath in, ¨I don't know Fersen, I don't know¨

 

He sat down resting his face into his hands. And for a second Fersen was fueled by rage, how could he not know? He most definitely knew when he kissed him. But he couldn't stay mad at him. He placed a hand on his shoulder. 

 

¨Take all the time you need Lafayette, I shall await your response¨ he grabbed Lafayette´s hand and brought it to his lips. 

 

¨I hope that next time we meet you will have a response¨ he said jokingly. 

 

¨I hope for that too¨ Lafayette responded before leaving. 

 

And then he was gone, and he was alone. Alone with his thoughts. And he prayed that he had not come off too strong and that Lafayette did not hate him now. And after a week of hearing nothing from Lafayette, he received a letter from him. And he doesn't think he's ever been so happy. 

 

My dear friend, 

 

I suppose that feels wrong to write now. I must ask that you forgive me for the other day. If it wasn't already clear,  I am not the best with these types of situations, and nor am I good with words. But truth be told I was scared. Scared of what something like this could bring. But I realized that I could not push my feelings for you aside any longer. I don't know how you did it Fersen what bewitchment you used but you have managed to make me fall for you. The feelings I have for you should not be felt for another man, and I can't help but be angry with myself. However, I could never be angry with you for feeling something like this for someone of the same sex. And in the week we did not meet I struggled to come to terms with my emotions except myself. The more I tried to convince myself that I did not love you in that way, I only ended up more frustrated with myself. So I have written this letter to tell you, I wish to further our relationship, and not as friends. I ask that no one knows of our relationship or it can not continue. I look forward to seeing you again. 

 Your former friend 

Lafayette 

 

He agreed to attempt to start a romantic relationship with him, with the condition that no one finds out. He understood his demands and his reasons but he couldn't help to feel hurt by them. When he was with Lafayette he wanted nothing more than to show his affection for him. Whether that be by holding his hand or telling him he loved him, but with this, it would have to be done in private and who knows when they'd have that opportunity. 

 

The next time they saw each other after walking down the same hallway. And when they walked by each other Fersen made sure to brush his arm against his. And the next time it was during a meeting and Lafayette made sure to talk to Fersen the most during it. They showed their affection in other subtle ways. But their favorite way was pretending to fight when they appeared to get along too well. And they would laugh for hours when they were alone at how ridiculous their bickering sounded. Their plan was perfect, no one suspected a thing they all believed they hated each other. It was all perfect but the consequences of such a relationship would soon catch up with them. It was the night of the ball and to the surprise of no one, Fersen asked Marie to dance. And for the first time, he had wished it was not her he was dancing with. He wished he was dancing with lafayette. And he would ask him to do so one day, just not now, not when they were here, not when they could be seen and judged. And out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lafayette walking towards him. He smiled giving him a playful wink and he watched as Lafayette's face grew red. And Marie in turn looked in the direction Fersen was, looking for the one he had flirted with.  And when she and Lafayette made eye contact she had her suspicions. 

 

¨Did you just wink at Lafayette?¨ she asked, bewildered. 

 

Fersen smiled ¨I did¨ Lafayette who was now close enough to hear their conversation glared at him. 

 

¨But why?¨ she was confused, didn't they despise each other? 

 

¨I couldn't help but pity him, he seems rather lonely doesn't he.¨

 

¨I suppose¨ she responded. 

 

¨He is rather daft, one can walk up to him and confess their feelings for him and I can assure you it would take him a whole week to come up with a response¨ Lafayette crossed his arms upon hearing this. 

 

How dare he, he wasn't wrong of course but still how dare he. 

 

Marie giggled lightly, ¨Fersen! Where are your manners, you shouldn't be so unkind with lafayette¨ She playfully hit his arm. 

 

And out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lafayette walking away. Had he gone too far, perhaps he was still upset over how long Lafayette had taken to respond to him. 

 

¨I suppose you're right¨ he said quietly, frowning softly, as Lafayette walked away. 

 

After the dance ended they stood around with a group of nobles gossiping. He couldn't bring himself to pay attention and he almost wanted to excuse himself and run off to who knows where to find Lafayette. So he did. He finally found him pacing around the garden. 

 

¨Lafayette I-¨ he was cut off. 

 

¨Dont, perhaps this little thing in between us should end¨ he said coldly. 

 

Fersen frowned, ¨Lafayette, my dear you know that everything that came out my mouth at that moment was nothing but rubbish¨ he grabbed Lafayette´s hand. 

 

¨At that moment? Are you being truthful with me now or is this another one of your charades¨ He pulled his hand away, 

 

¨You're lucky the idea of us being together is so absurd that no one has figured it out¨ Lafayette said. 

 

How could fersen be so careless, and in front of the queen! What would ever happen to them if she or the king found out. 

 

¨I just don't understand how you could be so reckless, does this mean nothing to you?¨ Lafayette asked. 

 

¨Of course it does! What about you! Why are you so upset? I've said worse things about you in front of Marie-¨ he cut himself off, now was not the best time to bring that up ¨You called me a dog in front of the king¨ He shouted trying to distract from his previous statement. 

 

¨Oh but you are!¨ Lafayette shouted ¨Everyone thinks so¨.

 

Fersen down at Lafayette, eyes filled with hurt, ¨Even you¨.

 

Lafayette took a step back, now it was him who had made a mistake, ¨We aren't talking about that, I'm not mad because you have insulted my intelligence in front of the queen, I'm upset because I asked that you not talk about this in front of anyone! What happened between us stays between us no one has to know. And unlike all those other times you had insulted me this time you meant it¨. 

 

Fersen frowned, ¨Maybe I did mean it, but lafayette you must admit that it was unfair of you to do such a thing. You stop talking to me for a week! And when I asked to see you, you always found a way to avoid me, do you have any idea how that feels. I thought you hated me, I thought I had lost your respect and my friend. Of course, I'm mad, and even after all that you're too embarrassed by me to even do so much as look my way!¨ Fersen cut himself off with a sob. 

 

¨If the terms of our relationship upset you, then perhaps we shouldn't be together¨ Fersen was right. 

 

He knew he could not give Fersen the attention he needed, he would only end up hurting him. It was best if they ended things.

 

¨No, Gilbert please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Stay please¨ he grabbed Lafayette's arm pulling him towards him. 

 

And being this close to Fersen, Lafayette could see the stream of tears rolling down Fersen´s face. 

 

¨Im sorry,¨Lafayette pulled fersen off before walking away. 

 

¨Gilbert!¨ Fersen called out to him but he made no attempt to turn around. 

 

He covered his mouth trying to muffle his sobs. 

 

¨Please!¨ he shouted in a desperate last attempt but by then Lafayette was gone.