He falls first.
It hits him like a ton of bricks and he falls headfirst into something that he doesn’t understand and he’s not even sure that he wants it half the time. But he wants her, fuck he wants her so bad that he can taste it and when he sees her across camp with her hair in her face and her eyes downcast because the pain is still there he wishes like hell that he could just tell her.
He can’t tell her.
Not when she’s hurt and he’s confused and why does he have to feel this way at all? Why does he wake up in a cold sweat every damn night thinking about her thighs around his waist and his name a whisper on her lips? Why does he stutter like an idiot when she asks him a simple question and why does he feel like his heart is going to jump out of his chest whenever she mentions going outside the camp’s walls?
He worries about her.
She’s not the same, not the same girl (woman) that came to the ground and wrecked his entire state of being like a fucking tornado. She’s changed, because of him and what she had to do and it’s never going to leave her. He knows that because he’s been there, he’s held that knife and he’s made that plunge and it’s not going to go away.
He wants to fix her.
She’s not broken but sometimes it feels that way. He wants to hold her so tight that it melds all of those pieces back together and why does he have to feel this way when there is no way that she’s ever going to feel the same about him. Why? That’s the question that runs through his mind on a daily basis; why, why, why?
He tells her.
One day she’s telling him that she’s leaving camp for awhile, to explore the outside with a group of grounders and he yells. Tells her it’s dangerous and that they (he) can’t lose her again. She’s in his face and yelling and telling him that he’s not her keeper and why in the fuck does he even care what she does anyways? He tells her why and the words are out of his mouth and hanging in the air between them.
"Because I fucking love you!"
He can’t take it back.
He doesn’t want to anyways and her eyes are wide and unbelieving as he reaches for her but she pulls away. His name is a whisper on her lips but it’s not like it in his dreams and she’s backing away from him like she doesn’t know him anymore and his heart feels like it might be broken.
His knees are in the dirt and her hair is nothing more than a dash of sunshine through the trees as she runs back to camp and he thinks that maybe it’s poetic that way. Maybe she was never meant to be his sun, maybe she has always just been the light to help guide him through the darkness.
He’s the broken one now.
Broken and beaten and he stops feeling everything for awhile. Stops asking her if she wants backup on day trips and stops their late night meetings in the mess hall. He stops everything because it hurts too fucking much knowing that he’s here and she’s there and it’s always going to be the princess and her knight.
He’s never going to be the prince.
There are battle wounds on his skin and scars on his heart. There are days when he feels like throwing himself off a cliff and there are days where he thinks that maybe it’s all going to be okay. Some days he thinks that he can barely move but he does because they need him (I need you) and he needs them.
(he needs her, fuck he needs her so bad he can barely breathe)
She surprises him.
It’s pouring down rain and he’s patrolling the gates and she runs up to him. His hair is between her fingertips and she’s saying his name like a prayer against his lips and for a split second he thinks about pinching himself because this is not his life.
But it’s hard to see her tears on her cheeks because the rain washes them away before they have a chance to taint her porcelain skin. They aren’t saying a word, just standing and staring and he thinks that if this is what falling feels like than he’d be willing to fall forever with her. For her. She breathes those three words into his skin and it burns like a fire through him.
He didn’t know it was possible to burn in the rain.