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things Trager is not allowed to do at Mount Massive Asylum

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  1. Calling your office "the fun dungeon" 

  2. Taking patients on bus trips. No, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is not a validated scientific experiment 

  3. Shouting "for science!" before doing something does not automatically mean it's for science

  4. Scattering Wernicke's cats about in the asylum
    It does not matter if it's Las Poladas. The patients will believe you when you say the cats are piñatas and that there's candy inside
    Jesus christ Rick, there were cat guts everywhere. No, it doesn't even matter if it was a memorial to your 12th birthday party!

  5. Eating friend chicken in front of Manera's cell going mmm, crunchy baby leg
  6. Interrupt buisness meetings screaming Walrider

  7. Going anywhere screaming Walrider

  8. The freezers in the cafeteria are for food, not body parts

  9. Replacing the Morphogenic Engine audio with Beethoven's 9th or any song by Nicki Minaj

  10. Replacing the Morphogenic Engine video with pornographic movies

  11. Variant group therapy will not happen
    nor will Variant yoga sessions with Steve
    nor Variant speed dating

  12. Referring to himself as daddy

  13. Referring to Jeremy Blaire as mommy

  14. Posting classified information on 4chan

  15. Selling "organic" backscratchers 

  16. Showing The Room to Eddie Gluskin

  17. "Bone shears" is not the answer to everything
    nor is "bigger bone shears"
    "bone shear guns" do not exist and no Murkoff will not make them for you

  18. Personnel with lower ranked security levels are not to be called:
    red shirts
    daddy's little children

  19. Coming in contact with Eddie Gluskin

  20. YOLO is not an excuse

  21. Sending out emails to families of patients that there's a special "buy two get one!" sale on lobotomies 

  22. Continue doing the "let me lend you a hand" joke. Where did the arm even come from? 

  23. Leaving the room saying he has to return some video tapes

  24. Asking Blaire if he's remembered to return some video tapes

  25. Cuddle therapy does not exist here, and even if it did why the fuck did you assign Andrew as group leader

  26. Convincing new staff that Chris Walker thinks he's in a musical and the only way to communicate things to him is to sing them

  27. Replacing Father Martin's fingerpaint with blood citing budget cuts ok that's actually a good idea

  28. Arranging bowing night. Those were NOT bowling balls.

  29. Arranging movie night and squeezing ten doctors into the Morphogenic Engine room

  30. Arranging visits from local kindergartens

  31. Arranging wheelchair races using patients for betting purposes

  32. Arranging anything

  33. We're aware you enjoy Patch Adams, but we're not going to add the healing power of laughter to our list of theraphy techniques 

  34. Coming in contact with anyone under the age of 18

  35. Claiming that "a stripper a day keeps the doctor away" 

  36. Stealing from the drugs cabinet to get high

  37. Getting high to avoid paperwork

  38. Not everything scientific requires testing, especially not "but are we completely sure this patient has a heart, hmm?"

  39. Giving Billy Hope t shirts, especially not ones that say WHERE THE BITCHES AT

  40. Yes, creative pursuits are encouraged within the facility. No, this does not mean you can arrange competitions like "build the biggest meat dragon"

  41. Designing a Hannibal Lecter mask to Frank Manera and bribe him to start therapy sessions saying "Hello Clarice" and making that horrible slurping noise

  42. Distributing organs to the black market or "the highest bidder"

  43. Drunk dialling freelance journalists

  44. Making coworkers bet anything, especially not organs or firstborn children

  45. Using your highly protected work phone to order takeaway food, sext or "win Bangladeshi princesses"

  46. Using terms like
    cutty cutty
    snippy snippy
    killy killy

  47. Singing "I have a dream"

  48. Singing anything

  49. Dancing

  50. Calling your penis as "the dream"