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Worth It

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"I can't."

With those two little words, I just broke the heart of the one guy I've ever thought I loved. I let him think that I…I don't know, slept with Alec. The man who looks just like my brother Ben. Crazy, psychotic, magical Ben. The brother I killed and left behind. Sometimes, when I see Alec out of the corner of my eye—at work or at Crash—my breath catches as some tiny part of my brain sends up a hope that it might be Ben, alive and whole again. Even though I know he can't be. If there's one thing I can do right, it's kill.

I bet, even as I turn and flee, Logan's thinking back to all of those times. He's probably wondering, in the back of his head, if I've been playing him since I came back from Manticore even while he's trying to push those doubts aside. His faith in me has always been amazing.

Logan doesn't deserve this. Sometimes, I wonder what his life would be like if I'd never tried to steal his stupid knickknack. Would he have gotten shot and lost the use of his legs? Would he be dating Asha now? Definitely, he wouldn't have gone through the fucking emotional rollercoaster of this past year and a half—the nightmare caused by exposure to my life…to me.

And now, as my own heart is shredding, I pray that the chance for him to live a normal life, to pick up what pieces are left of it, is worth all of this pain we're in now.