The agency is located at the 7th floor in an office complex which is on a busy street, so one must be careful on their way there so to not get run over by the traffic in the morning. And there's Hajime Tsukishima, practically crossing it with his eyes closed – his eyes are fixed on his phone display in his hand. Not because he believes he is immortal, and a mere car crash wouldn't do a thing to him or because he thinks luck favors the brave or however the saying goes. The reason for his careless crossing is simple – he doesn't mind getting run over by a car on his way to work. In fact, part of him hopes that it would become an eventuality – that someday he'll arrive to the sight of office burning into the ground and then – Boom. Crash. Ran over by a Honda Civic, dead! on the spot.
But life is cruel, and the capitalist system which he had no choice but to live in even more so.
Tsukishima's dreams and expectations from them both were already so low, but apparently wanting to be run over and seeing his workplace burn to the ground on a Monday morning was too much to ask for.
After miraculously crossing the street unscathed, a new notification pops up on his phone. Tsukishima reads it from his notifications panel. It's from his boss.
[President Tsurumi] : Good morning Tsukishima, when do you arrive at work today?
He opens the main interference of the office building and walks to the elevators, pressing on the button to call one of them.
Good morning. Right now. Tsukishima sends the message to his boss and then quickly adds: is there something you need me to handle?
There are footsteps approaching from behind, which are soon followed by an obnoxiously loud laugh. Tsukishima sighs. Just what he needed.
“Good morning CEO assistant Tsukishima!” Shiraishi greets him.
Tsukishima doesn't bother turning around or replying to him. Because if he were to name the first and utmost rule of socializing with coworkers it would be: Do not talk to them outside work hours.
The second rule is: Especially if it's Shiraishi.
The elevator doors open, both step in and Tsukishima presses the button for the 7th floor.
“What a coincidence, we're going to the same floor! I wonder if we work at the same place, haha...” Shiraishi's sad attempt to strike up small talk with Tsukishima actually works this time, because said coworker actually replies to him.
“Yes. We work at the same place.”
Shiraishi laughs at this everyday fact Tsukishima just reminded him of. “We do, huh! That's so poggers, right?” he says.
Tsukishima isn't sure what poggers means – he wonders if Shriraishi's IQ is really below room temperature or if he just acts like it is.
He silently prays that the elevator ropes magically snap and crash straight into the basement so he doesn't have to suffer any longer. But unfortunately, the chances of that happening are lower than the number of girls wanting to get laid by Shiraishi.
The elevator finally stops at their floor, and Shiraishi takes a step outside the elevator only for a stapler to come flying at him and hit him right in his head, causing him to fall backwards with a scream.
Tsukishima immediately crouches down to avoid any other possible flying stapler attacks, and check up on Shiraishi. But mostly the other.
“He better not be dead. Filling out incident reports is a pain in the ass.” says Tsukishima while carefully lifting Shiraishi's bloody head. A staple is stuck in his forehead, with the body of the stapler still attached to the stationery. Blood is running down from the fresh wound.
Thankfully Tsukishima doesn't have to fill out any report – Shiraishi is alive and, for some reason, looking at him with his lips puckered. “CEO Assistant Tsukishima...” Shiraishi says in a weak voice.
“You seem to be okay, but we'll have to get you to a hospital anyways.” Tsukishima tells him, and just as he's about to take out the phone from his pocket, Shiraishi reaches out and pulls on his arm.
Tsukishima looks at him, surprised.
“I need…” his coworker shuts his eyes, lifting himself up to get closer to Tsukishima,
“I need…. you to give me mouth-to-mouth”
“NOOOO!” Sugimoto's voice echoes from down the office hallway as the sound of his footsteps get louder. “Fuck, Shiraishi! Are you alive?!”
Sugimoto runs towards them and gets inside the elevator (which is blocked by Tsukishima's bag, so the doors wouldn't close automatically), yanking away Shiraishi from Tsukishima's hold before turning to the latter.
“Tsukishima, is he alive??” Sugimoto's voice is panicky. “Shiraishi Yoshitake, talk to me!”
Shiraishi points at his puckered lips, which are partly covered with blood flowing from the stapler wound.
“He needs mouth-to-mouth.” Tsukishima says.
“He needs mouth-to-mouth, and you haven't done anything?! Is it because you think it's gay to touch a man's lips with your own? We don't have time for your fragile heterosexuality! This is a matter of life and death, Tsukishima!”
Yet the one who's talking about my made-up heterosexuality instead of doing anything is you, Tsukishima rolls his eyes at Sugimoto.
“Yeah, I couldn't do it because I'm straight,” he says sarcastically,” but you go ahead and perform mouth to mouth on him.”
“I can't believe maintaining your heterosexuality is more important to you than your coworker's life.”
Before Tsukishima could say anything, Sugimoto bends down and pinches Shiraishi's nose before he presses his lips on Shiraishi's, giving him a slow rescue breath.
Tsukishima notes how Shiraishi's chest rises slightly. If it weren't for Sugimoto giving a living and breathing man mouth-to-mouth, he'd almost be impressed that Sugimoto knew first aid basics.
Sugimoto comes up and tilts Shiraishi's head carefully towards him. Shiraishi slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times to get the blood away from his eyelids.
“Sugimoto Saichi...” his voice is still weak. “...you…you...”
“Yes, I saved you,” Sugimoto smiles at him. “I am so glad you're alive and breathing.”
“You…bastard.” Shiraishi's voice is a whisper now.
He closes his eyes and rolls off Sugimoto's arms to the ground, tongue sticking out.
“SHIRAISHIII!” Sugimoto screams. “You can't die on me like this…come on!” he takes Shiraishi by his shoulders and shakes him violently.
“Hey, stop that, he has a head injury.” Tsukishima grabs Sugimoto's wrists to stop him from shaking their injured coworker.
“If you die… If you die, who is going to give me head after lunch?” Sugimoto sobs.
“...What?” Tsukishima turns to look at him.
“Yeah, What? ….bleeurghh” Shiraishi suddenly sits up, throwing up the blood in his mouth on the elevator carpet. He wipes off the blood from his lips with his sleeve. “What?” he says again.
“What.” Sugimoto repeats, a drop of sweat visibly forming on his forehead. Shiraishi and Tsukishima both look at each other then back to Sugimoto.
“I didn't mean it like that- I, uh...” he desperately tries to come up with something, but his lying skills fail him. “I meant head, as in…uh…ideas! Stupid ideas! 'Cause Shiraishi has a lot of them after lunch! Ha...ha..”
That doesn’t convince any person in the elevator.
“You two are...” Tsukishima doesn't finish his sentence. Not that he has to, really. They all know what comes afterwards.
What's a 3 letter word that can describe the relationship between Sugimoto and Shiraishi? Here's a hint. It starts with g. and ends with y.
“I would like to buy a vowel.” Sugimoto says. If Tsukishima's confusion wasn't clear from his face before, it sure is now. He raises his eyebrow at his sudden Wheel Of Fortune line.
“Shit. Whatever.”, Sugimoto changes the subject, “Don't judge us.”
“I can't believe that you two suck each other off during work hours.” Tsukishima shakes his head, rubbing his temples. “Clock out, for god's sake.”
“Wait. That's your only problem?” Sugimoto asks.
“I don't want to hand over your timesheets to Tsurumi knowing that an hour was spent giving blowjobs.”
“Or, you could just forget this entire conversation.” Shiraishi gives finger-guns to them both and both Sugimoto and Tsukishima ignore his remark.
“Can somebody tell me how late it is.” Sugimoto suddenly asks, supporting Shiraishi standing up.
“It's half past eight.” Tsukishima says after looking at his watch. “Why?”
“Uhh.” Sugimoto thinks loudly.
“and half past eight is…?” Shiraishi looks puzzled.
“8:30.” Tsukishima says.
“FUCK!” Shiraishi and Sugimoto both yell out simultaneously. “We're gonna be late for the meeting!”
Just like that, they start running, and Tsukishima doesn’t get the chance to tell Shiraishi's that his underwear can be seen through the rip in his pants.
“Well, that was a weird start to the day.” Tsukishima says to himself as he is finally able to exit the elevator to make his way towards his desk. “I thought we didn't have any staples left.”
“Oh, you didn't know?” Tsurumi asks. He's lying on his bed, naked. “A friend sent them to me recently. He has an opium poppy farm in Russia…He took me there, once, and we did her- morphine together. Ah, those were the times.”
“Seems to be a... very nice friend of yours.” Heiji says.
He reaches out to the vase on his nightstand to grab a poppy and tucks it behind his ear, then turns to his side to face Heiji who is lying in bed next to him, equally naked. “They look pretty, right?”
“They look beautiful indeed.” Heiji says, holding the flower on Tsurumi's ear to prevent it from slipping back. “I should get going soon.”
Tsurumi gets closer only to give Heiji's ass a smack. “Stay a little longer.” he pleads in a low voice into his ear. “I barely get to see you during the week, and you're with your son Otonoshin on the weekend. And when that happens, I get terribly lonely...” Tsurumi takes the poppy behind his ear and brushes the flower along Heiji's chest.
“We see each other during client meetings.” Heiji says.
“But that's different. We don't get to do... this during meetings.” he gets on top of Heiji, who in return huffs at the added weight on top of him. “Plus, your son is usually at these meetings so it would be incredibly awkward if we did.”
Tsurumi gives him a kiss on the cheek and smiles. “You know how much more important you are to me than some generic meeting.”
He was a goddamn seducer all right.
Heiji feels his ear being tickled with the flower in Tsurumi's hand and he snatches it away.
“Oh,” is the only thing that can escape Tsurumi's lips before Heiji takes him by the waist and rolls him over, closing any space between them with a deep kiss.
“Heiji,” Tsurumi manages to say after catching his breath. “Wait a moment.” He climbs on the edge of the bed and grabs the flower, holding it in front of his face.
“What's wrong?” Heiji asks.
“I might have forgotten to send the right presentation to my assistant.” he puts one of the poppy's petals in his mouth, chewing on it.
“Is that bad?”
“It could be.” he looks at Heiji, chewing on another petal. “If I get going now, I might be able to
prevent the worst from happening.”
Tsurumi finishes the last petal on the flower and shoves the stem in his mouth. “…Meh.”
“Is there a legitimate reason why you people are all late to the meeting?” Tsukishima asks the employees of the agency standing in front of him in meeting room 5.
“Tsurumi isn't here yet.” Sugimoto is the first one out of them to reply. He looks outside the window next to him to make sure his boss isn’t going to climb into the meeting room on the 7th floor any moment.
“He is going to be late today. I wrote you all in the chat.” Tsukishima says.
“Which chat?” asks one of the Nikaidou twins from Finance. Sometimes Tsukishima isn't even sure which one of them is present at times.
“We have a chat?” Kikuta stops scrolling the beansinthings subreddit on his phone.
“What does it look like?” Usami asks. “Is that the icon with the 4 squares that's always left on the bottom of my monitor?”
“That's the windows start icon,” Koito rolls his eyes at him. “You dumb bitch.” he mutters under his breath.
“Yes, we do.” Tsukishima answers Kikuta's question. “Do any of you read the company chat?”
There's a few “I do”s among the crowd, but Tsukishima mostly hears “no” “we can afford software like that?” and “first time hearing this” and he also hears Usami neighing, for whatever reason.
A laugh comes from the corner of the meeting room and everybody turns around to see who it is. “I have that one muted.” Ogata says, sitting in a chair with his legs crossed.
“You have it muted?!!” Koito asks in shock. “You are the IT guy, and you have the company chat muted? What if there is a technical emergency?!”
“Like what,” Ogata forms a fist and brings it to his mouth in a cat-like manner, “For example.”
“I don't know. What if the internet is down?”
“How is anybody going to message me over the company chat without internet.”
Koito hates how Ogata made a valid point just now and he wants to come back at him, but due to his poor ability to counterattack with arguments and words, Koito just screams and points at him, turning to Tsukishima. “Tsukishimaaa! Tell him how this is against company policy!”
“It's against the company policy to have various communication channels muted, and that includes the company chat.” Tsukishima says.
“Wait, it really is?” Koito asks. “I just made that up because I wanted him to shut up.”
“Whatever.” Ogata shrugs. “It's also against company policy to browse reddit all day.” he turns to Kikuta who is unbothered by his statement. “And it's against company policy to watch porn.” this time he turns to Usami, who just smiles creepily in return. “...although I'm not sure what liveleak videos are classified as, but I know you jerk off to them.” then he turns back to face the CEO Assistant. “I'm also pretty sure it's against company policy to fuck your coworker. But you know that, don't you, Tsukishima?”
There is a silence, and for a moment Tsukishima seriously wonders if brutally murdering Ogata with the fountain pen in his hand is worth it.
“Well, he didn't say Minecraft.” Shiraishi whispers to Sugimoto, and they low-five.
“Everybody shut up.” Kiroranke interrupts them with a loud voice, and shut up they do. “Can we get on with this meeting?”
Tsukishima takes the presentation remote from the desk and clicks on one of the buttons to start the presentation. Everyone's attention is drawn to the projected presentation on the wall behind him.
“Well. I guess I'll start then.” says Tsukishima, moving out of the picture.
PROJECT XMAS PARTY is written on the title page of the presentation, surrounded by clip art of Christmas trees and various other images depicting Christmas decoration which were all downloaded from the internet without ignoring their usage rights.
“As you can all read from the title, we've been asked by President Tsurumi himself to come up with ideas for this year’s Christmas Party, which will take place in five days.” Tsukishima explains. “You will each submit an outline and a cost assessment. President Tsurumi will pick the best one and will reward the person who came up with it with the title of Employee of the year.”
Sugimoto raises his hand. “Employee of this year? Or next year? Cause if it's this employee of this year, it's actually just employee of the next week.”
“I haven't thought of that before,” Tsukishima admits. “Tsurumi wrote this year, so I assume it's just like you said, just for the next week.”
Sugimoto boos at that.
“I don't get why I should come up with an idea for some party I'm not even going to attend.” Ogata objects without looking up from his phone.
“Because there's free food and drinks, duh!” Shiraishi says, and after a thoughtful pause he asks, “There will be free food and drinks, right?”
“Free food is nice...” HR-Manager Tanigaki agrees, “I'm going to fill myself up with cookies.”
“Same, but that's not the only thing I'm gonna fill myself up with.” Sugimoto winks at him.
“Whether there will be free food or not will depend on what you come up with. President Tsurumi will take care of all the costs.” Tsukishima presses next on the presentation remote. “So, come up with an idea for the Christmas Party until tomorrow and we will present them to President Tsurumi tomorrow, where he will decide on the best one.”
“You people better have something presentable by tomorrow!” Koito adds.
“What a pain in the ass.” Nikaidou whines. “Why can't we just go bowling again like last year?”
“Because Mr. Sir President Tsurumi said this year will be different.” Koito cuts in before Tsukishima can explain the actual reason: they were banned from the bowling hall because Usami stuck his dick in one of the bowling balls holes and his cum shot out from the other two. It spread all over the bowling lane with as he threw it, up to the pinsetter. It probably still has Usami's dried semen on it and the thought of it alone causes Tsukishima to cringe.
“Yes, what he said.” Tsukishima is quick to agree with Koito's cover-up and doesn't explain further. “Either way, I better see you work your asses off to come up with a good idea for the Party. That's all. Get to work everybody.”
And with that, everybody walks out of the meeting room. Sugimoto and Shiraishi go in the opposite direction as everybody else (probably to the toilet because they always go to the toilet together), and Ogata makes his way to his desk at the very end of the office hallway, elbowing his way through those in front of him.
Tsukishima goes straight to the tea kitchen to get himself some terrible office coffee from the coffee machine. He desperately needs to get caffeine into his body to get through this day without committing a homicide.
“Tsukishima!” Koito calls behind him and does a gay little run to catch up to Tsukishima on his way to the kitchen. “Are you getting yourself some coffee?”
“Yes, I am.” Tsukishima turns on the coffee machine and it makes a loud BRRRRR noise which he can never tell if it's normal or a sign of poor maintenance. “Do you want some as well?” He takes out a cup from one of the cupboards, holding it out.
“Yes, thank you” Koito takes the cup from Tsukishima's hand and their fingers brush against each other's for a moment, causing Koito to blush hard as if he hasn't felt the touch of another human being for ages. “Wait,” he says to Tsukishima.
“What is it?”
“Can you give me another cup?” he asks.
“What's wrong with the one you're holding?”
“I don't like the smiley face on it. It reminds me of Sugimoto's ugly face when he smiles.” Koito makes up a reason so Tsukishima gives him another cup, just so he can feel their hands touch again a few more times.
“…Okay,” Tsukishima says and hands him another cup. Koito takes the cup, then complains about it and gives it back again. They repeat this process a couple more times and Tsukishima doesn't comment on how Koito has to take the cup from his hands to complain about its appearance.
Koito has no choice but to put an end to whatever it was that he was doing when Tsukishima tells him there's no more cups left in the cupboard.
They walk over to the machine and Tsukishima places his mug on the dispenser of the coffee machine, which is still doing noise as before, just less loud.
“So…I heard the guys were gonna go to the usual place for an after-work drink today.” Koito stands next to Tsukishima with a hand on his hip.
“Sounds fun.” Tsukishima says without any enthusiasm in his voice, his eyes not moving from the coffee machine pouring the hot liquid inside of his cup.
“I was thinking of joining them...but-” Koito stops himself.
The coffee machine whirrs one last time before it finishes filling Tsukishima's cup.
“Well, I was thinking that we can join them together. It's no fun winning against them at darts alone.”
Tsukishima sighs. “I would like to join, but there's a lot of work I have got to finish by tomorrow. I will have to do overtime today.”
“All right!” Koito jumps in place and places a hand on Tsukishima's shoulder. “I'll help you out!”
“Uh, Thanks,” Tsukishima says, and it's more like a question than an expression of thanks. “There is no need, actually. I can handle it.”
“There absolutely is! I don't have any work to do anyways, so don't worry about it. I was planning on refreshing my twitter timeline every ten seconds and playing Minecraft with Shiraishi and Sugimoto for today. And doing real work for once is a great change of pace! Just tell me what I can do.”
It's not like Tsukishima doesn't appreciate a helping hand, he's just worried that Koito will end up adding more to his workload than lessen it. But Koito was standing there in front of him, with a smile and flushed cheeks, wanting to hear two words out of Tsukishima's mouth more than anything. He had seen that look on his face before, a lot of times. And he also knows it works on him every time.
In the end Tsukishima cannot help but give in at his boyfriend's request.
It's around lunchtime when Tsurumi shows up at the office. He had originally planned to arrive at 10 AM, but certain things made him come later than usual.
He steps inside the elevator and notices a dark stain on the floor mat, and he squats down to touch the spot. He stands up again to examine the mysterious fluid better and smells his fingers before licking them. Using his outstanding analytical skills, he concludes that it's blood, type B. So, this is either Shiraishi's or Tanigaki's blood, Tsurumi thinks.
The elevator arrives at the 7th floor and the trail of blood continues the carpet tiles. Tsurumi looks around the empty office for more clues. There isn't a single person around at the moment, and he guesses it's because everybody is currently having their lunch at the cafeteria. Well, everybody except Ogata, who is sitting on his desk, seemingly working.
“Ogata.” Tsurumi calls, and his employee turns his head away from his displays. Nobody really knows what Ogata's daily work is, really. Unless there was a technical issue, his coworkers never really bother to check what he's doing.
But Tsurumi knows, just like he knows everything that's going on in his company, and the truth is Ogata mostly works for their partner company located in Russia which owns 20% of their shares. Another 20% of the agency belongs to Heiji Koito's logistics company.
Tsurumi also happened to have sex with both of their founders.
“Where is everybody?” Tsurumi asks.
“I shot them all and carried their lifeless bodies to meeting room number 5.” Ogata turns his attention back to his displays.
Tsurumi doesn't respond for a while. Ogata's statement partly explains the blood on the floor, though it is unlikely that he owns such a weapon which would allow him to shoot his coworkers from a distance, because Ogata were to lose in any kind of close combat.
“Hmm,” Tsurumi strokes his goatee as he looks at the carpet. “And you didn't bother to get rid of the carpet?”
“Please,” Ogata laughs, “You think this company can afford new flooring?”
“Absolutely not.” Koito jumps from his chair, slamming his palms against the lunch table they are sitting on. “I am not going to let you guys near my house! Let alone party there!”
“Why not? You basically live in a mansion, and you even have two swimming pools.” Sugimoto says, his mouth full of the sandwich his daughter Asirpa (though she is actually his niece and Shiraishi and he were taking care of her for a while now) had packed him for lunch earlier today.
“You do understand that I am not going to just let some nobodies like you into my humble home, right?” Koito sighs dramatically and sits down again, looking visibly offended about Sugimoto's suggestion. “Also, the swimming pools are closed during the winter.”
“Well, fuck that.” Sugimoto replies, putting even more food in his mouth.
“Why is the swimming pool even so relevant for your Christmas party suggestion, Sugimoto” Tanigaki asks, sipping on his apple juice.
“I thought it'd be fun to see Ogata drown, since he can't swim. But thanks to a certain somebody here, the Christmas party is going to be totally lame.”
“Shut up.” Koito snaps.
“How about we get ourselves an inflatable pool?” Shiraishi suggests.
“We would have to get ourselves a big one then, and filling that up with enough water to Ogata in drown in it would take too long.” says Sugimoto.
“It doesn't have to be water” Shiraishi grins from ear to ear. “If you know what I mean...” he turns his head to Sugimoto sitting next to him, both nodding in agreement.
“Neither regular pools nor water pools are valid suggestions for the party.” Tsukishima objects.
“Says who?” Shiraishi whines. “And don't you mean regular pools and cum pools?”
“I know what I said.”
“You people make me sick...” Koito puts emphasis on the last word, taking out a silk napkin from his pocket to his mouth. He shakes his head in disgust. “The mere thought of what you're implying is enough to make me regurgitate my lunch on my new Gucci Carré.”
“What's stopping you, rich boy?” Sugimoto asks mockingly to which Koito only replies with a growl. Tsukishima puts his hand between them to stop their fight before it escalates.
“Look who we have here,” Ogata says as he walks towards their table with a lunch tray in his hands. “If it isn't the Idiots doing idiot things because they are idiots.” He sits down on the opposite end of the table across Sugimoto. He takes a quick look at Shiraishi and notices the band aid on his forehead.
“What, did you bump your head on the edge of the table while sucking Sugimoto off?” he asks and Shiraishi just laughs awkwardly. “Maybe you should file a complaint for insufficient workplace safety measures?”
“What the fuck do you want,” Koito immediately lashes out at Ogata, even though the remark was not directed towards him.
“Nothing, moneybags.” Ogata smiles, and it irritates Koito, just like everything Ogata does. “Go ahead and hurl in that Gucci napkin of yours all you want. Brands are just fancy names invented by capitalists to scam people out of more money. That napkin doesn't have more value than any other, yet you believe it's superior because materialism already brainwashed you to a point of no return.”
“Oh wow, Ogata is actually having lunch with us? With us??” Shriashi asks, ignoring Ogata's blowjob remark from before. “What happened? Did Vasily stop replying to you?”
“Who's Vasily?” Tanigaki and Koito ask in unison.
“The guy Ogata has a thing for.” Shiraishi looks to Ogata's direction and smiles knowingly, “I caught them sexting once.”
Everybody turns their head towards Ogata.
“If by 'thing' you mean a purely work-related relationship, then yes.” Ogata replies calmly, “Are you guys dumb or something?”
“Does Vasily work here at the company?” Tanigaki asks and suddenly a crumb of his cracker falls in between his massive, fat boobs. “Oh no.”
“Not at, for the company. He's working at our partner company.” Ogata explains to him, “As an HR manager, you sure suck at knowing the difference between internal and external employees.”
“Ah, got it.” Tanigaki finally finds the piece of cracker stuck in between his chest. He didn't listen to whatever Ogata was saying as he was busy brushing off cracker crumbs off his enormous tits.
“He works for our partner company? My father's company?” Koito asks, puzzled.
“We have another partner company from Russia. You don't even know that much, huh?”
“Isn't it kind of shady that nobody except Ogata knows him?”
“We probably don't know him because we can't speak russian,” Sugimoto guesses.
“And Ogata can?”
“Да, так что иди к чёрту, барчонок.”
“If you think you can fool me by saying random words that sound like russian, it's not going to work.”
“That was actually russian.” Tsukishima says.
“Wait, really? What does it mean, Tsukishima?”
Tsukishima doesn't translate it.
“Yeah, Tsukishima, why don't you tell us what I just said?” Ogata mocks him. Tsukishima really wonders if he can get through this day without having to kill him.
“Either way, I had no idea we had external employees.” Koito sounds shocked, “Why didn't Mr. Sir President Tsurumi ever tell me so? As the vice-president and second in command, I have to know who works for our company.”
“Pfft,” Sugimoto cuts in, “You're only 'vice-president' because Tsurumi is biased and he's afraid that if Heiji's son isn't getting any benefits, he won't get that hot and potent DILF nut inside of him.”
“If you call my father, President of Koito Logistics, a DILF ever again, I will literally stab your eyeball out with this fork.” Koito threatens him with a low voice.
“Let's see who'll stab who.” Sugimoto growls.
“Hah, nice.” Ogata comments on their fight. “That’ll make another hole for Sugimoto to get fucked in.”
“You might want to shut up before I pull your tongue out of that gaping hole of yours and mount it on the table with my knife permanently.” Sugimoto turns to look at Ogata.
“Try to not miss, alright?” Ogata wiggles the knife in his hand in front of Sugimoto, who looks like he is about to lose the last bit of self-restraint that is holding him back and jump onto his coworker at any moment.
“All right, calm down,” Tsukishima cuts in, clapping loudly to get their attention. “If you're going to kill each other, do it somewhere else. Lunch is still working time and I don't want to bother with writing incident reports.”
“Excellent point, CEO Assistant.” Ogata praises him and it's hard to tell if it’s meant sarcastically or not. “How about we do that at the party instead?”
“What?” Sugimoto and Koito suddenly seem interested in what Ogata is about to say.
“Killing each other is not a valid suggestion for the Christmas party, Ogata. Come up with something else.” Tsukishima says.
“I wasn't done yet.” Ogata takes a bite of his lunch - grilled fish, or whatever fish-looking meat is on the menu today. “Not only can we kill each other, but also participate in various illegal activities and perform morally questionable actions on one another. And none of us will remember what happened the next day.”
“How is that supposed to work?” Sugimoto rolls his eyes. “Don't tell me you're going to make everybody drink until they pass out.”
“It's even better.”
“What could possibly be better than consuming excessive amounts of alcohol at a party with your coworkers and your boss?” Shiraishi asks.
Ogata takes the last piece of the fish meal with his fork and eats it, leaving everybody in suspense for his answer. He finishes chewing and swallows the rest of his lunch, then grins.
“What do you mean, they're not in the drawer?” Tsurumi asks, standing up from his desk. “There should still be some in the second one.”
Usami opens the second drawer and he finds what he was searching for. “Ah, I found them!” he says joyfully as he takes out a box of paperclips, and Tsurumi sits down with a relieved sigh – It would be a hassle to explain himself if Usami were to see Tsurumi's finger bone collection which he kept in the third drawer.
Usami grabs a few clips and puts together the stack of paper he's holding with his other hand. “That would be all, then.”
He places the reports at Tsurumi's desk next to him, eagerly waiting for a reaction from his boss.
“Good work, Usami. You may leave.” Tsurumi says.
“Um…President Tsurumi? About the party,” Usami stops just before he's about to open the door. “You will consider my suggestion, right?”
“Of course,” Tsurumi assures him. “I will most definitely consider the suggestion of the number one employee of the month.” He looks up and shows Usami a faint smile.
Usami blushes at the mere sight of Tsurumi's mustache slightly curling up on its ends. He also feels a certain heat in his pants building up. “T-Thank you sir... I will be going now, then.” and with that, he runs out of the President's office.
Tsurumi takes the papers which Usami had placed just now and reads the title page: “Cum Bowling– XMAS EDITION”. Tsurumi sighs and skims through the rest of Usami's elaborately written Christmas Party suggestion, and just as he had expected from the title, the further he flips through it, the more obscure it gets.
“If only he'd be this organized and detailed about his actual work… Seems like I will have to come up with a suggestion as well.” Tsurumi decides, then directs his gaze to the third drawer, “But first, I have to put these bones someplace else."
Sugimoto usually doesn't mind reporting to his higher-ups; however it was a different case with Koito. Not only was Koito unsympathetic, he was also too short tempered for a vice-president of a marketing agency.
“Leave me alone, I'm busy.” Koito says as he sees Sugimoto approach his desk with a folder in his hand. Sugimoto clenches his jaw at Koito's annoying remark but decides to stay quiet.
“Here's the interaction reports from the past campaign.” Sugimoto puts the folder on top of Koito's desk, next to where his PC is.
Koito pretends he doesn't hear him and continues to scroll and click on his computer. “No way.” he says in a small voice.
“No way what?” Sugimoto asks, “What are you even doing?”
“An online pregnancy test.” Koito gestures at him to go away without looking at him, “You happy? Now go.”
“A pregnancy test?” Sugimoto leans over to check what's on the screen. It really is a pregnancy test. “You're serious?”
“Ugh, yes,” Koito sighs dramatically, “now go away.”
“Can you even get pregnant?”
“Wow, transphobic, aren't we?”
“What? No– I'm not, I didn't mean it like that!” Sugimoto quickly explains himself, “I had no idea you had a partner is all.”
“Oh my god, did you just come over here to violate my privacy and ask about my private life?”
“I just told you it's because of the reports, you spoiled brat.” Sugimoto pinches the bridge of his nose, “Listen, all you have to do is take a look at these reports and –”
“You don't tell me what to do! You're not my supervisor!!!” Koito raises his voice and jumps out of his seat.
“Fuck this.” Sugimoto says and rolls his sleeves up. “If you want a fight, I'll gladly fist you until there's blood coming out.”
Koito raises one of his perfectly styled upwards-rectangle shaped eyebrows.
Sugimoto quickly adds, “Sorry, phrasing.”
“I heard the word fisting,” Kiroranke suddenly appears behind Sugimoto, a salad bowl in his hand. “Seriously, you two? Right in front of my salad?”
Sugimoto and Koito both make an over-the-top gagging noise at Kiroranke's implication.
“No way, I was going to beat him up.” Sugimoto explains, and Kiroranke doesn't look convinced.
Koito sits back down and gets back to his work, “Evaporate, tall people.” he hisses at them.
“Don't worry, I have a meeting to catch in five minutes anyways.” Kiroranke says and leans against the vice-president’s desk. “I just wanted to ask you two about Ogata's party suggestion. What do you think about it?”
“I don't trust anything that Ogata comes up with.” Sugimoto says firmly, “I bet he has something planned.”
“I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Sugimoto Saichi for once.” Koito tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, “And if I understood it correctly, all Ogata wants to do at the Christmas party is drugs.”
“Yeah, I understand why you both don't trust Ogata. But think about it this way – we can get away with everything at the party. This is our chance.” Kiroranke leans in, lowering his voice, “We could get away with murder, and nobody would care the next day.”
“Yeah, right,” Sugimoto scoffs. “You make it sound so easy. We kill Ogata at the Christmas party, and everybody is just going to forget about him the next day? I don't think.”
“They will.” Kiroranke smirks. “It's going to be just like it was with Yuusaku.”
Sugimoto gasps at the mention of the name. “Oh my god, I forgot about him” he says in a quiet voice.
“Wait, Who's Yuusaku?” Koito asks, turns away from the two, then shouts, “HR Manager Tanigaki!! Who is Yuusaku?”
Tanigaki stands up at Koito's question and walks over so he doesn't have to shout again, “Yuusaku? I don't know.” he says.
Kiroranke sighs. “Yuusaku was Ogata's brother, and he was working here just like us. Until last year, when one day he just stopped coming to work without saying why. Nobody knew what happened to him afterwards…but most likely Ogata killed him.”
“I can't believe it.” Tanigaki whispered only for his coworkers to hear.
“What? You can't tell me Ogata hasn't at least killed once.”
“I agree.” Sugimoto says, “Have you ever heard him mention his parents? It's because he killed them.”
“I always thought it's because they're homophobic.” Koito shrugs.
“Guys, this isn't good,” Tanigaki says, “I've been working here for four years, and I don't recall even registering Yuusaku as an employee.” He runs over to his desk to check the list of past employees working in the agency. He types 'Yuusaku' in the search field and…it returns 0 results. The others gather around him.
“Nobody under the name of Yuusaku exists in the list.”
“He was never even an official employee here? What, you never gave him his contract?” Sugimoto asks in disbelief.
Tanigaki shakes his head hesitantly.
“Tanigaki, what the shit?”
“Who was Yuusaku again?” Koito asks in between, and nobody bothers to answer him.
“Oh my god, that means he never even got his paychecks.”
Kiroranke covers his eyes with his hand. “Sometimes I wonder if any of you people are even remotely qualified for your jobs.”
“That's what I was wondering as well,” Ogata says, walking up and down the kitchen with his headphones on. “Speaking of, are you free tonight?”
Tsukishima enters the kitchen and Ogata quickly ends the call with “I'll call you later.” and a quick goodbye in russian.
“What do you think you're doing.” Tsukishima says and gets himself his 4th coffee of the day.
“Making plans to have sex later with the vice-president in a dirty toilet stall?” Ogata offers as an answer, and Tsukishima turns away from the coffee machine to give him a death-glare. “Come on, it was just a joke, plus I know you aren't dumb enough to actually fuck Koito in the office. But well, you are still dumb enough to date him.”
Tsukishima says nothing as he takes a sip from his coffee and shows him the middle finger.
“Speaking of,” Ogata continues with a smug face, “I actually wanted to ask you this for a while now. Doesn't his obsession with President Tsurumi bother you? Or do you enjoy role-playing as Tsurumi every time you two –” he was just about to finish his sentence when Tsukishima charges forward at him with a knife, almost cutting his throat if Ogata hadn't dodged. “-Fuck!”
For a few moments, they just stand in place. Ogata grins. “CEO Assistant Tsukishima, you really need to resolve your anger issues.”
Tsukishima puts the knife in his hand down and for a second Ogata thinks he is going to try and attack him again.
“I'll make sure President Tsurumi chooses your idea, because I will kill you at that party.”
“Oh, Great!” Ogata walks by him, “Can’t wait to party like it's the end of the world.”
It's afternoon and they are all gathered in meeting room 5 once again, except for Usami, who is out of the office for a client meeting. Tsurumi walks into the room last, along with Tsukishima who is carrying his laptop.
“Good afternoon,” he starts, “First of all, I want to thank you all for being such valuable and hardworking employees…”
There's something like a snort coming from Ogata, to which Koito responds with an aggressive “shhh!”.
“...Which is why I think the best way to show my gratitude would be by making sure to celebrate your efforts with an unforgettable Christmas Party, because nothing brings people closer than a good Party." Tsurumi nods with a smile, “And with that being said - give it up for Tsukishima who is going to present which one of your Christmas suggestions I have chosen!”
“You already picked one?” Shiraishi asks, shocked. “I didn't even get to finish ours...”
Tsukishima connects Tsurumi's laptop to the projector, and everybody looks at the projected presentation. “XMAS PARTY LIKE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD” is the title of the generic-looking slide.
“Wow, you didn't put any effort into the presentation this time.” Sugimoto comments.
“This party isn’t worthy of being one day before Sir President Tsurumi’s birthday. Whose idea was this?” Koito asks, pissed.
“I hope we can go bowling again,” Nikaidou mumbles.
“I was going to explain if you people would shut up for a second.” Tsukishima clicks a button on the remote and the next slide is just a bunch of hand-drawn pictures connected with arrows and descriptive text next to them which are too small to read from a distance. Everybody in the audience exchanges doubtful looks.
“Ogata will explain the rest, as this is his original idea.” Tsukishima sits next to Tsurumi, who pats him on the back.
Ogata stands up and walks in front of the presentation. “We’re going to have a Christmas Party at my parents’ old, abandoned house. Everybody has to bring their own snacks or drugs or whatever,” he says. “Any questions?”
“That’s it?” Tanigaki asks.
“Yes, that’s it.”
“Did Vasily draw these pictures for you?” Shiraishi grins, and Ogata does not comment on it.
“I don’t understand why Mr. President Tsurumi Sir would choose your suggestion out of all.” Koito stands up and stomps with his feet like a little kid.
Ogata shrugs. “Next question.”
Sugimoto raises his hand. “Why did you think your dead parents’ house would be a good location to hold a Christmas party?”
“I had a feeling I’d get this question, so I prepared something.” Ogata gets to the last slide of the presentation, which is just a big sketch of a burning house. “At the end of the party, we’re all going to burn it down.”
Everybody looks skeptically at each other, wondering in silence whether this really was such a good idea.
“Wait a minute… Does that mean…” Nikaidou gets up, and everybody looks at him with a surprised expression. Would Niakidou be the first person to expose Ogata’s true intentions in front of everybody?
He breathes in, mentally preparing himself for what he is about to say, “We’re going bowling?”
It is their third round of darts with Team Koito and Tsukishima in the lead, though it can’t be called a round of darts anymore, because at this point nobody has their head in the game.
Sugimoto is sitting at their table, finishing his drink while the rest are playing a game resembling eight ball, but with more balls than eight. Sugimoto considers joining them on the pool table when his phone vibrates with a new notification. It’s from Asirpa.
[Asirpa]: make sure Shiraishi doesn’t get too drunk!! :P
Sugimoto smiles at the message, and Shiraishi taps on his shoulder from behind, with a grin on his face.
“Who is that message from?” Shiraishi says in a playful tone as Sugimoto turns around to look at him.
Sugimoto holds his phone in front of his face and Shiraishi’s face turns less ridiculous, which is the closest to a serious face Shiraishi can pull off.
“Hey! Tell Asirpa I’m not drunk.” he pouts, “Yet.”
“Well, we’ll have plenty of time to get drunk at the party tomorrow,” Kiroranke joins them after the last game of darts, which team Koito and Tsukishima won - for a third time in a row. He sits between Sugimoto and Shiraishi and puts one arm around each of their shoulders. “After we kill Ogata, that is.”
“Kiroranke…Don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad that you are willing to help us get rid of Ogata,” Sugimoto scratches his head in thought, “the thing is, don’t you two have history? Why do you hate him so much?”
“It’s… complicated.” Kiroranke looks away for a moment, “Let’s just say, he double-crossed me.”
“Oh, and I thought it’s because he cheated on you with Vasily and you wanted to take revenge or something!” Shiraishi laughs. Kiroranke laughs with him for a few seconds before his face suddenly darkens.
Tanigaki comes back from the pool table and joins Sugimoto and the others, who quickly greet him.
“Where’s Koito and Tsukishima?” Shiraishi wonders and takes a sip from Sugimoto’s glass instead of his own. Tanigaki just points behind him with his thumb, and everybody looks at the area he’s vaguely pointing at. The two are at the pool table, Tsukishima sitting on the edge with Koito standing between his thighs as they make out.
Sugimoto can’t believe what he is witnessing and the sight of his coworkers making out instinctively makes him snatch the glass out of Shiraishi’s hold, take a big sip, and spit out his drink. Right into Shiraishi’s face.
“Woah!” Kiroranke takes a step back from Sugimoto, “You alright?”
“What the-“ Shiraishi winces, wiping off the spitted out drink from his face with his sleeve. Usually, it was another kind of fluid he’d get splashed on his face on a Friday night. “What was that for, dumbass!”
“Aren’t you guys seeing this?” Sugimoto exclaims and angrily points at his two coworkers getting it on at the pool table.
“Not seeing what?” Tanigaki looks confused.
“Koito and Tsukishima! They- Since when are they a thing?!” Sugimoto shouts and turns his head to his coworkers, trying to get any kind reaction from them, but they’re all just looking confused at Sugimoto instead of their coworkers making out. Meanwhile Koito and Tsukishima have to put a sudden end to their kiss as they overhear screams from the other side of the bar, and awkwardly straighten themselves. Tsukishima gets off the table, and they walk over as casually as they can.
“You seriously didn’t know?” Tanigaki asks.
Sugimoto shakes his head, “Why did you guys keep it a secret from me?”
“Nobody kept it a secret from you.”, Tsukishima says, and sits near Shiraishi. “You just happen to be the last person to notice.”
Sugimoto is still baffled. “I always thought you were straight.”
“Nobody here is straight.”
Koito lets out something like a sound of acknowledgement at Tsukishima’s true words. “Speaking of straight, what about this straight up awesome plan for the party? I heard you guys were going to kill Ogata. Good. I can’t stand him anyways.”
“The plan goes like this: We will give Ogata a drink with laxatives mixed into it. And then we lock him inside a room,” Sugimoto explains, “that part is going to be a challenge since he knows his old house better than we do.”
“But before that, I’ll steal his phone so we can expose all of his chat history with that Vasily guy.” Shiraishi smiles at Kiroranke, who returns the gesture, “That’s when you come in, Kiro. You’ll help us unlock Ogata’s phone so we can take screenshots and gather enough material to use as blackmail.”
“Wow, that’s actually pretty awful.” says Tanigaki, “I know you all hate him, but aren’t there any alternatives?”
“We could put rat poison in his drink instead.” Kiroranke shrugs.
“You know what, never mind.”
“Oh, come on, Tanigaki. It’ll be a fun prank! Not like anybody will remember next day.” Shiraishi laughs.
“So… who’s in?”
Shiraishi and Kiroranke both raise their hands at the same time. Sugimoto looks at Tanigaki, who avoids eye contact.
“Me,” Koito raises his hand holding a dart arrow. “I’m in,” he says, smiling smugly at Sugimoto. “but only if you beat me at darts.”
“Oh, put it back in your ass.”
“I’m trying to,” Ogata says, annoyed, “Do you know how hard it is to stream any video with this terrible internet connection and do this simultaneously?”
He adjusts his webcam so Vasily has a better view of Ogata’s lower body.
“Is this better now?” Ogata strokes himself a few times.
“Yes,” Vasily says over video chat, “but the video quality isn’t that good.”
“Sorry to hear that you have to jerk off to a laggy video, but you have no other choice.” Ogata says and continues touching himself.
“I told you we could’ve done this over text.” Vasily sighs.
They usually keep everything with text. The reason for Ogata’s sudden video call is to have a good nut before he burns his coworkers alive at the party tomorrow, or worse case, before his coworkers burn him alive. Of course, Ogata doesn’t want to admit that, so he just responds with, “And I told you I want you to see me beat my meat for once.”
“I’ve seen you beat your meat a couple of times before. We had sex a week ago.”
“We did, but did you actually see me masturbate wearing this?” Ogata shows off his leopard print thigh-highs, which is the only piece of clothing he is currently wearing.
“Wh-“ Vasily comes closer to his own webcam, “Are you still there?”
Ogata checks if there’s any connectivity issue, but the call window still has all bars on the bottom.
“Yes, I’m still here. Look,” He takes a small bottle standing next to him, showing it to the camera with his hand behind it as if it’s some kind of makeup product he was advertising for his beauty channel. He opens it and just squeezes an excessive amount on his hand, smiling at himself. “You know what they say, you can never use enough lube.”
Vasily seems to be observing quietly and intently as Ogata gets ready to prepare his hole. Suddenly there’s a jump of frames in the video chat, and Vasily only says, “Ogata, I can’t-”
“You can’t? Can’t what? Take your eyes off me? Do you like it that much?”
Vasily’s video freezes completely, and the window is showing an attempt of reconnecting, but it doesn’t help at all. Ogata leans forward to try and reinitiate the call, but this time it’s his PC that freezes. Then a bluescreen appears and shortly after the restart, the screen of a windows update. Great timing. Ogata swears at the terrible OS that his computer runs on. Just when he wants to turn off the machine by pulling out the plug, he smells something burnt. Like the smell of burnt toast mixed with plastic.
They say if you smell toast when there is none, you are having a stroke - but before Ogata can determine whether that is true or not, he notices that the lube bottle is knocked over and the liquid is spilled over his gamer keyboard.
“I had a feeling this wasn’t going to work out.” He disconnects his keyboard and picks it up with his thumb and index finger, the lubricant dripping down from between the keys.
“What am I going to do with all this lube, then.”
He looks down, then back to the keyboard in his hand.
Ogata smirks, and an idea comes to his mind.
“This should be physically impossible!!!” Koito shrieks as Sugimoto puts the second pool ball into Shiraishi’s mouth which is stretched beyond humanly impossible levels. Kiroranke is recording the and Shiraishi simply holds up a peace sign for the video.
“This reminds me of my college days,” Kiroranke laughs, “Let’s put in one more!”
Tanigaki just stares at them blankly. Tsukishima and Koito look at each other, then back to Shiraishi.
“Why the hell is Shiraishi’s jaw even so loose?” Koito asks.
“You know exactly why.” Tsukishima answers, the grim memories of unknowingly handing in Shiraishi and Sugimoto’s time sheets with one hour of blowjobs for all those years coming back to him.
“Should we get going?” Tanigaki is the only person who proactively tries to get out of this situation, “I have the feeling that he can fit even more balls in his mouth.”
“Yeah, I want to get out of here as soon as possible.” Koito takes out his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll call us an Uber.”
“No need for that,” Tanigaki dismisses Koito’s offer and grabs his leather jacket from one of the bar stools, “Inkarmat says she’ll drop us off.”
Tanigaki puts on his jacket and tries to zip it up, but his massive 124cm tits are in the way of the zipper lines closing, he just decides to wear it half-zipped up.
“Good evening to the handsome gentlemen.”
As if right on cue, Inkarmat appears right behind him. Koito waves in a friendly manner and Tanigaki turns around to see his wife standing with one hand on her hip and the other one playing with the car keys around her finger.
“Hello, darling,” Tanigaki greets her with a quick kiss. “Your timing is perfect. We were just about to leave.”
“Of course,” Inkarmat smiles, “My horoscope for today told me that I’d be at the right place at the right time.” She turns her attention to Tsukishima and Koito. “Let’s get going, then.”
Tanigaki puts an arm around Inkarmat’s waist as they walk in front of the other couple. Koito briefly glances over to Tsukishima, expecting a similar gesture from his boyfriend. Tsukishima quickly looks over to him, “What is it?” he asks.
Koito wants to tell him he wants Tsukishima’s arm around him, but instead he says, “I can’t wait to get home.”
Koito knows he shouldn’t complain, but that never stopped him from doing so. Inkarmat is a nice person and a good driver, and Koito is glad that she’s willing to drop them off.
So given the situation, Koito knows that it would be rude to interrupt the freshly married couple’s discussion of holiday plans, which is why he just tries to endure it for almost the entire car ride.
Tsukishima doesn’t seem to be bothered by Tanigaki and Inkarmat’s never-ending conversation as he is absentmindedly staring out the window. Koito wonders if there would ever be a time where he and Tsukishima made holiday plans like that, maybe even a time where he would introduce his boyfriend officially to his parents. Koito puts down the phone in his hand which he had long stopped scrolling on and leans dramatically against the window.
“Koito?” Tsukishima asks, and Koito slightly turns his head to his direction, “Are you okay? You seem to be in a bad mood.”
“…I’m fine.” Koito answers, shifting over closer to Tsukishima. He rests his head on Tsukishima’s shoulder, “Just tired.”
Tsukishima takes his hand in response, rubbing his thumb along Koito’s, “Make sure to get a good night’s rest when we get home.”
Koito feels his face heat up at Tsukishima’s soft voice. He lifts his head up, “Tsukishimaaa.”
“I want a small kiss.” Koito demands, though it comes out more like a whine.
Tsukishima takes a moment to look at him, his eyes traveling from Koito’s eyes to his soft lips formed into a slight pout. He brushes off a strand of Koito’s bangs from his forehead, and Koito promptly leans into the touch, rubbing his cheek against the caressing hand like an attention-starved cat. Tsukishima’s hand traces from his cheek to his jawline as they lean into the kiss.
It’s a short kiss, really, even shorter than Koito had anticipated when he said small. They pull away after a few seconds and Koito gets even closer to Tsukishima’s face than before to initiate another kiss, this time tilting his head for him to deepen it.
Their second kiss gets intense quicker than they meant to. Even though Tsukishima is used to Koito being needy in every aspect of their relationship, it’s a bit of a surprise when Koito’s hand slides from his neck to his chest, grabbing his pecs. Both of their positions are not ideal for making out, especially with their seatbelts in the way. Tsukishima pulls Koito’s thigh to let it rest on his knee, sliding his hand along the inside and just as Koito tries to shift in position to offer Tsukishima more, Tanigaki coughs loudly.
The cough startles both of them, and Koito immediately jumps back into his original position. Shit, I totally forgot we were still in the car with those two!
“Are you alright, darling?” Inkarmat asks, putting a comforting hand on Tanigaki’s shoulder.
“What?” Tanigaki forgets the fake coughing from a moment ago, “Oh…don’t worry. I’m alright.”
Inkarmat smiles at him, then looks up to the rear mirror. “We’re almost here, you two.”
Koito gives a polite nod to her. He catches a glimpse or Tsukishima looking out the window again, and somewhat feels guilty for ruining the mood. Or rather, setting the mood at a bad time.
The car stops at Tsukishima’s place, and both Koito and Tsukishima step out of the car. Koito waits until Tsukishima walks around the vehicle to the other side of the road, and he thanks Inkarmat for the ride.
“By the way,” Inkarmat leans out of the window, “Your horoscope for today told me that you will find both comfort and excitement with your significant other if you just talk things out.”
Despite how generic and vague Koito’s horoscope for today is, he feels like he’s finally got the answer he was always searching for.
“Thank you, Inkarmat!” Koito says cheerfully and when he sees Tsukishima walking towards him, he runs over to hold his hand. They walk together towards the apartment, and Koito quickly looks back to give Inkarmat a thumbs-up, and Inkarmat returns the gesture.
“Let’s go” Tanigaki says. Inkarmat hums in agreement, rolling the window up.
“They’re such a cute couple, aren’t they?” Inkarmat asks as the car moves again. Tanigaki nods.
“Yeah…They’re cute.” he says, unconvincedly.
“You really mean it?” Asirpa asks, excited. She’s sitting in between Sugimoto and Shiraishi in the living room, watching You vs. Wild together.
“Yes, the Christmas party won’t be that long anyways,” Sugimoto says, “we promise we’ll be back for dinner.”
“Make sure you finish your homework by then, okay?” Shiraishi pats her on the back. Asirpa grunts at the mention of homework.
“Yeah, yeah, homework. You two have fun at the party tomorrow!”
“Not sure how fun it’s going to be.” Sugimoto and Shiraishi look at each other.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“We’re planning on pulling a prank.”
“What kind of prank?” Asirpa asks without looking away from the TV screen. She shoves a handful of crackers into her mouth.
“The explosive diarrhea kind.” Shiraishi says.
Asirpa makes an over-the-top disgusted face at that. “You two really hate him that much?”
“Obviously,” says Sugimoto, “He’s the worst out of all our coworkers, and that says a lot about him.”
“Why? Are your other coworkers bad? Kiroranke also works with you two, right? He’s nice.”
Sugimoto and Shiraishi look at each other over Asirpa’s head, thinking for a second. “Yeah, Kiro is nice,” they mumble in agreement.
“I guess Tanigaki isn’t that bad either. As the HR manager he has basic human empathy. And Tsukishima,” Sugimoto adds to the mental list of bearable coworkers – which, in reality - are just the coworkers he would like to have sex with if given the chance. “He’s a good guy to work with. He just has a bad taste in men.”
“Said the person who is with Shiraishi.” Asirpa claps back.
“Hey!”, Sugimoto exclaims, “Shiraishi might be stupid and useless most of the time,” he pauses for a moment and takes a moment to think of a follow up, “End of sentence.”
“You both know I’m still here, right.” Shiraishi pouts, offended by Sugimoto’s true description.
“So where the hell is he?” Koito asks, angrily. “This was all his idea, and now he’s not showing up?!”
The company Christmas Party started half an hour ago, and except Kikuta, Sugimoto and Shiraishi who, everybody else from the company was present. Even the CEO of the mysterious Russian partner company was at the party, standing next to Tsurumi with a hand on his ass.
“Technically, it was my idea,” Kiroranke says and finishes his bottle of coke, which was one of the few non-alcoholic options at the party. He spins the empty bottle on the kitchen table. For an old, abandoned house like Ogata described it, it surely looks pretty clean and proper, as if somebody was living in it until yesterday. Inside the fridge Kiroranke found few drinks which haven’t reached their expiration dates yet, which added more suspicion.
Koito, Tsukishima and Tanigaki observe the spinning bottle on the table they are sitting at. It stops right between Tsukishima and Tanigaki.
“So now what.” Tsukishima says.
“We spin the bottle again?” Tanigaki guesses.
“He didn’t mean the bottle,” Koito snaps, “oh my god, you are so fucking stupid.”
Tanigaki just stares at Koito, expressionless. He’s long used to this kind of immature behavior of his coworker, and he also has no energy to respond.
Kiroranke spins the bottle again, like Tanigaki suggested. This time it lands on Koito.
“You’re going to give Ogata his purging drink.” Kiroranke orders him, and Koito groans at the thought of having to do any manual labor, even if it was just carrying a glass.
“Ugh, Fine.” Koito takes the drink from the table and walks towards Ogata, who is sitting on the couch of the living room. The rest watch him from a safe distance.
Ogata looks up from his phone and puts it next to him on the couch. “Well, well, well, If it isn’t vice president Koito.”, he says, “bringing me a …drink? What is that, Vodka?”
“…Absolutely,” Koito says slowly, having no idea what the drink contains except for laxatives, “Yup. Vodka.” Ogata stretches out his hand to accept the drink.
Kiroranke nods to himself, so far, so good.
“But it has rat poison or whatever,” Koito rolls his eyes. “So hurry up and drink it.”
The rest of the gang sitting at the kitchen table drops their heads in disappointment, or perhaps in supposition.
Ogata stops for a moment, and just as Kiroranke thinks their mission to kill their coworker failed - Ogata takes the glass anyways. Even Koito is surprised.
“Hah, reminds me of the time where I poisoned my mother,” Ogata takes a sip from the drink. “I guess we’re similar in some ways. Hey, you wanna snort a line?”
He points down to the black glass couch table in front of them. There’s two lines of white powder, a credit card and a straw. One line seems to be halfway snorted by Ogata already.
“Um, no thanks.” Koito declines.
“Well, more for me then.” Ogata leans over on the table, and Koito quickly goes back to Kiroranke and the others.
Kiroranke pats him on the shoulder. “You almost had me worried there.”
“Me too. For a moment I thought he wanted to actually have a friendly conversation with me.” Koito shivers at the mere thought of Ogata acting like they are on good terms. “Now, where the hell are Sugimoto and Shiraishi?”
“Boom, Baby!” Shiraishi calls out from behind them as he and Sugimoto enter the kitchen. “The gangs all here!”
“Took you long enough.” Koito grumbles.
“What did we miss?” Sugimoto asks.
“Phase one of the plan was successful.” Kiroranke reports, “Now onto phase two. Your turn, Shiraishi.”
Shiraishi gives two thumbs up and parts from the others.
“If you people don’t need me anymore, can I go now?” Tanigaki gets up from the table.
“You were here the entire time?” Koito asks and looks around, noticing a person missing from the group, “Speaking of, where is Tsukishima?”
“What, are you here to kill me?” Ogata asks, complacently. He’s leaning against the washing machine in the bathroom, finishing the drink from Koito, “Don’t you think people will get the wrong idea when they’ll find out we’re both in the bathroom together?”
Tsukishima charges towards him and grabs him by the neck. Ogata doesn’t resist or try to fight back in any way. He simply grins at his coworker who is in the progress of choking him to death.
“Hate to break it to you, but I already drank your boyfriend’s rat poisoned Vodka.” Ogata tries to say with as much confidence as he can despite his thin voice. He holds his empty glass up. “At least that’s what he thinks is in there. What he doesn’t know is that I’ve had constipation all week, and your stupid boyfriend just helped me get rid of it.”
Tsukishima tightens his grip on Ogata’s neck, bringing the knife (which he seized back when they were in the kitchen) dangerously close to his throat.
“I don’t fucking care,” Tsukishima growls, pressing the sharp knife in his hand against Ogata’s Adam’s apple. “I told you I’d kill you.”
“Fine,” Ogata says, “Go ahead.”
Tsukishima and Ogata both turn around as Sugimoto storms into the bathroom.
“Don’t kill him yet!” Sugimoto cries.
“This has nothing to do with you, Sugimoto,” Tsukishima says, “Get the fuck out of here, or I’ll kill you as well.”
Ogata ties to let out something like a laugh which sounds more like a gargling noise due to Tsukishima’s tight grip.
“You need to calm down. Do you just want him to bleed to death in a bathroom?”
Tsukishima loosens his grip just a bit, enough for Ogata to take a breather, “What do you mean?”
“There’s only one bathroom in this house,” Ogata explains, “if you’re going to kill me, do it somewhere where nobody has a reason to enter.”
Sugimoto walks up to Tsukishima and grabs his arm, “Come on. Koito is waiting for you.” he says quietly. Tsukishima sighs and lets go of both Ogata and the knife in his hand. Ogata rubs his now free neck and flashes a smile at them both, then walks out. Tsukishima wants to follow, but Sugimoto stops him. Tsukishima turns around to look at him, emotionless.
“What were you trying to do back there?” Sugimoto asks, “You almost ruined our plan.”
“I was going to kill him, obviously. And I was never part of your plan from the beginning.” Tsukishima shrugs, “Now let me go, Koito- “
“Koito isn’t waiting for you.” Sugimoto says, “I made that up. I just needed you to calm down.”
Tsukishima takes a moment to process the words, and once he does, he’s overcome with rage. Murderous intent, even. He throws a punch at Sugimoto, who quickly dodges and kicks at the inside of Tsukishima’s calf at once, causing the shorter man to lose his balance and trip. Tsukishima quickly gets a hold of Sugimoto’s shirt and they both fall on the bathroom mat, Sugimoto falling onto Tsukishima’s muscular abdomen.
“Oh…Hi there” Sugimoto grins, “I had no idea we had a sumo match.”
Tsukishima kicks him right between his legs, causing Sugimoto to let out a groan and roll over all the way to on the other side of the room, crying out in pain. Tsukishima stands up from the ground and walks towards the door, grabbing the handle when he feels something pull strongly on his leg - Sugimoto is firmly grasping his pants. Tsukishima tries to shake him off, but Sugimoto’s doesn’t budge in the slightest, if anything his hold gets even stronger than before. They stay like that for a few moments and it seems like Tsukishima can’t hold on anymore, but just when Sugimoto thinks the resistance has reached his limits, Tsukishima undoes his pants. Sugimoto falls backwards from the sudden absence of clothing to grab onto.
The door is suddenly kicked open from the outside, almost hitting Tsukishima if it were any stronger. Koito stands at the doorstep, not believing what he sees with his own two eyes. Tsukishima is standing right before him with his underwear, panting, from what Koito can only assume is caused by an unknown physical activity. Then he sees Sugimoto on the floor with Tsukishima’s pants in his hands.
“Wait,” Sugimoto panics, “This isn’t what it looks like.”
“You have exactly five seconds to explain yourself,” Koito says in a low voice and grabs the knife in front of his feet which must’ve fell on the ground from Tsukishima's attempt to kill Ogata before, “Or I will cut you into filets and feed them to the next homeless person I see.”
“Who, Shiraishi? He’s tasted my meat before.” Sugimoto laughs. And if these were his last words, it was totally worth it.
This was all part of Ogata’s plan.
Ogata laughs at himself at how easy it was. All he did was tell Koito the whereabouts of his boyfriend and suddenly the coworkers trying to kill him were at each other’s throats’ now. If there was anything Ogata loves more than getting off illegal drugs it’s his problems getting rid of themselves.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up at Kiroranke, then holds up a finger to tell him to wait as he does another line of coke.
“Ogata,” Kiroranke says, “Do you have a moment?”
“Sure.” Ogata shrugs, “I can’t find my phone anyways, I might as well suck you off.”
“That… is not what I meant. I meant as in talking.” Kiroranke sighs, and they walk away from the living room, which was pretty much vacant at this point. Nobody saw Tsurumi and the mysterious Russian CEO after they went upstairs, Shiraishi and Nikaidou were playing strip poker in the room next to them. Tanigaki was long gone, as he left the party almost immediately. Meanwhile Usami has moved to the garden, piling up various decorative rocks to crush his cock and balls with them.
“Oh, I thought you implied having sex.” Ogata says, following Kiroranke to the storage room in the house. They enter the cramped room and Kiroranke closes the door behind them. “You can’t tell me you took me all the way to this room just to talk.”
Kiroranke doesn’t respond. He scans the utility shelves for a tool that’ll be useful to him. And he notices bale of straw at the top of the shelves.
“Why is there Straw everywhere?”, Kiroranke asks, pulling out a ski mask from his pocket. He puts it on.
“Why are you wearing a mask?” Ogata stares at him, wide eyed and with dilated pupils because of all the crack he’s been doing.
Kiroranke has to come up with something, or he’s worried Ogata might drop down on his knees and suck his cock or rip off his head in a cocaine rage. Both of them were bad options.
“Because this is a porn parody.”
“I never watched porn where the guy had a mask on.” Ogata says in bewilderment.
“You wouldn’t know about it. It has women in it.”
Before Ogata can say or do anything, Kiroranke just knocks him out with a punch. Ogata falls backwards and Kiroranke waits for a few seconds before kicking the unconscious man on the ground to make sure he’s not just playing dead.
“Since this goddamn plan isn’t working out,” he mumbles to himself as he moves some of the shelves around him to reveal a hidden door – a secret door to the basement. Normally to get to the basement one would have to enter the garage first, which was impossible since it was locked. But with the discovery of this door there was nothing going to stop Kiroranke from planting explosives and blowing up the place. Kiroranke smiles to himself.
The reason he knew that there were two doors leading to the basement was because earlier he had went upstairs to gather tools for his explosives, and found the blueprints of the house by chance, while the group was split up and Sugimoto busy trying to kill his coworkers, and Ogata was getting himself another load of white powder from that Russian (boy)friend of Tsurumi.
He opens the door and slowly goes down the stairs, entering the dim and cold room under the storage room, and he sees a silhouette of a person.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Kiroranke takes off his mask in disbelief as the mysterious person turns around, “Yuusaku? You’re still alive?”
Sugimoto thinks he must be immortal, because not only has he survived Koito’s crazy knife attacks and high-pitched monkey screaming (which he hopes will not leave permanent ear damage), but also Tsukishima trying to strangle him with a shower hose.
He wants to leave the party as soon as possible and have dinner with Asirpa and Shiraishi to forget about this terrible coworker get-together experience. Though he’s not sure if any amount of therapy could undo what he’s been through this evening. He doesn’t even care about the plan to take down Ogata anymore, not after he’s realized how much worse than Ogata his coworkers can really be if given the chance.
Shiraishi jumps up from the round of strip poker when he sees Sugimoto walking into the living room with even more scars on his face than before. “Sugimoto!?” he runs towards him and embraces him in a big hug as if he just came back from the war, “What happened to you? Are you alright?”
“Don’t worry. I think I might be immortal.” Sugimoto smiles and looks Shiraishi up and down. “Why do you not have any clothes on?”
“I lost a few turns.” Shiraishi says.
“All of them!” Nikaidou giggles from behind them, fully clothed.
“Hurry up and put your clothes on. We’re leaving.” Sugimoto says and clumsily wipes away the blood on his face with the back of his hand.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Your face is bleeding.” Shiraishi puts on his pants.
Sugimoto looks at his hand, “Oh, this? That’s not my blood.”
“Oh…kay,” Shiraishi says and takes out Ogata’s phone from his pocket, showing it to Sugimoto, “Anyways, I stole Ogata’s phone, you’ll never believe what I-“
Sugimoto takes the phone from his hand and drops it on the floor, stomping on it repeatedly until the display breaks in pieces. Shiraishi stands there frozen. Nikaidou laughs.
“I don’t care about this fucking plan anymore. You people are all obsessed with Ogata. So what if he’s an asshole! I was almost killed in the bathroom back there and it was because of Koito and Tsukishima! Not because of Ogata. Got it?” Sugimoto says, “All I want to do is just go home and forget about this, okay?”
Shiraishi looks at him skeptically, “Fine, let’s go home.” he says eventually. He finishes dressing when he feels a sudden urge to pee and sprints to the bathroom. He opens unlocked room as his bladder feels like it’s about to burst, only to walk in on Tsukishima getting pounded into oblivion by Koito on top of the washing machine.
They all freeze in place, not sure what to do in this extremely awkward situation.
“Hello,” Shiraishi greets them, “Don’t mind me, I just need to pee really quick.”
Sugimoto wonders just how much pee is inside Shiraishi because it’s been at least ten minutes since he’s been gone. Might as well get myself a drink while waiting, Sugimoto walks over to the kitchen counter to get himself a beer. In the meantime, even Tsurumi and the CEO guy made their way to the first floor, and they’re both sitting at the couch on which Ogata sat before, drinking orange juice from wine glasses.
Sugimoto looks outside the kitchen window and Usami is still outside in the garden, crushing his genitals with rocks. Considering what Sugimoto had to live through in this single evening, he’s got no energy to think about the weirdness of what he’s seeing.
Suddenly loud thuds emerge from the opposite side of where Sugimoto is standing. He thinks it must be coming from Usami’s CBT session in the garden, so he ignores the noise - at least he tries to until he takes notice of the door to the storage room slowly opening. And apparently everybody else does, too. They turn their attention to the person crawling out of the door - Ogata.
Before anybody can comment on the situation, Kiroranke appears behind him, kicking him right in his skinny twink ass, and Ogata falls on the floor face-first. Sugimoto thinks to himself that if this were a fanfiction, the author has probably got no more sudden turns of events, but unfortunately for him, a third person shows up behind Kiroranke. A person that Sugimoto and his coworkers had long forgotten about until today.
Yuusaku is standing in front of them, alive and well.
Nobody dares to make a sound, except for Tsurumi who laughs at the reality-TV levels of entertainment happening right in front of his eyes.
The person who looks the most confused by all of this is Yuusaku, who helps Ogata get up from the floor, “Who are these people, brother? Why are they all gathered at our house?”
“…Brother?” Sugimoto parrots, stunned.
“…Our house?” Kioranke repeats.
“Wait, Is that really Yuusaku?” Sugimoto asks, still not getting the entire plot.
Nikaidou doesn’t know who that person crashing the party is apart from Ogata’s brother, apparently, and he repeats the name Sugimoto called him, “Yuusaku?”
Shiraishi returns after his toilet break and pauses after seeing everybody around Ogata and some guy holding him up. He looks at Sugimoto in hope, “Sugimoto?”
“Shiraishi!” Sugimoto calls him.
Tsukishima and Koito also come back from their sex-sion and they are the last people to attend the awkwardness meeting.
“Yuusaku?” Tsukishima asks, not knowing what happened while he was busy getting Koito’s giant strap rammed inside him.
“Tsukishimaa?” Koito immediately responds, as he too, had no idea what’s going on.
“Pizza?” asks the pizza guy at the front door who happened to walk in at the worst possible timing. Unlike those pizza delivery guys from creepypastas, he looks like a nice, young man whose name tag on his uniform read “Edogai”.
“No, seriously, will somebody pay for this pizza.” Edogai says, but nobody pays him any attention.
“Why were you even locked in that basement if this is really your house?”
“I locked him up.” Ogata says.
Yuusaku looks at him, a tear rolling down his cheek so perfectly, almost like he’s in a movie and they’ve used CGI to animate that tear.
“But why, brother? Why?” he asks in a desperate voice.
“You wouldn’t get it” Ogata says in a Joker voice, “It all started when you were born and Dad pretended I didn’t exist.”
Sugimoto gives Shiraishi a hand sign for let’s get the fuck out of here and they sneak out of the house while everybody’s focus is on Ogata and Yuusaku’s dramatic brotherly reunion.
“This was probably the worst Christmas ever.” Sugimoto says as he and Shiraishi walk outside to the train station.
“Even worse than that Christmas where I gave you herpes?” Shiraishi asks.
“Yes, even worse than Herpes-mas,” Sugimoto sighs and holds Shiraishi’s hand, “But if I learned something today, it’s how we need to stop focusing on the negatives in life and appreciate the people we love and care about. From the start, we shouldn’t have made a plan to take down Ogata just because we hate him. We should have made a plan on how to spend quality time with our loved ones instead, because in the end, there is only one thing that matters to me - having dinner with you and Asirpa and watching survival shows on TV afterwards.”
Shiraishi tears up at Sugimoto’s meaningful words and jumps on Sugimoto, hugging him tightly. Sugimoto is first caught off guard, but he feels Shiraishi bury his face in the crook of his neck, and it’s only then when Sugimoto realizes two things: Shiraishi’s snot was dripping inside his jacket, and he’s been secretly hoping for them to embrace like this for a long, long time.
“I don’t care for y’alls tragic life stories, I’m just delivering pizza on a Saturday night and I need somebody to pay for these.” Edogai cuts in between Ogata’s tale of how he killed his parents.
Ogata looks at him, expressionless. Everybody holds their breath, anxiously waiting for what Ogata is about to do.
“…can we pay you in blow?” he asks.
“Fuck yeah,” Edogai says, “Now that’s what I call white Christmas.”