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Christmas Memos

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From: Derek Hale <dhale@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <batman_boxers@hc.com>, L. Martin <queenscrooge@hc.com>, E. Reyes <redbitchqueen@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <numbahone1@hc.com> I. Lahey <scarfzrulez@hc.com>, A. Argent <sassy.katniss@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <yourfoxielady@hc.com>, S. McCall <wonderpup@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <havewifiwillrule@hc.com>, V. Boyd <vmboyd@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <halecorp@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding Mistletoes

I shall keep this brief.

I am aware that Christmas is in a few weeks and I am not discouraging everybody from spreading holiday cheer around the company. However, the next person to put up a mistletoe in my general vicinity is going to get fired on the spot.

Thank you.

P.S. Also, this will be the last time I am warning all of you to take your email addresses seriously. Danny, Stiles, stop enabling them. Boyd’s the only sane one here, for god’s sake.

 


 

From: Derek Hale <i_am_no_fun@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <challengeaccepted@hc.com>, L. Martin <iamwinningthatpot@hc.com>, E. Reyes <iwillwinthisbitches@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <bettingmypaycheckondis@hc.com>, I. Lahey <thecountdownbegins@hc.com>, A. Argent <notintobetting_willwatch@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <thebetison@hc.com>, S. McCall <bettingmypaycheckondis2@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <mistermoneybags@hc.com>, V. Boyd <likesmywalletfulltnx@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <halecorpaccomplices@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding Gambling

I would like to remind everyone that Hale Corp has a strict policy against gambling. I want the mistletoe betting pool concerning myself, Mr. Stilinski, and when we will be caught under the damn thing be officially dissolved. If not, drastic measures will be taken to apprehend the culprits that started it and he/she/they will be reprimanded severely.

P.S. Danny, return my email address into its former I.D. before I take away your Christmas bonus.

 


 

From: Derek Hale <dhale@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <sadgadfhsadja@hc.com>, L. Martin <I_WIN_BITCHES@hc.com>, E. Reyes <FUCKYOUMARTIN@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <FUCKYOUSTILINSKI@hc.com>, I. Lahey <lolingatyou@hc.com>, A. Argent <thisiswhyidontgamble@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <elevatorsexxx@hc.com>, S. McCall <goodbyepaycheck@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <rollinginthedough@hc.com>, V. Boyd <iwillnotlendyoumoney@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <wehavenomoney@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding Public Displays of Affection

I would like to remind everyone that Hale Corp has a strict policy concerning public displays of affection in the workplace. This is a place of productivity and professionalism and we do not encourage lascivious displays in front of colleagues and clients.

With that said, I would like to formally apologize for my behavior yesterday during the elevator incident. As the company president, I should have been more in control of myself, and should have had the presence of mind not to engage in acts reserved for more private venues. I sincerely apologize.

Ms. Martin, I expect the elevator clean and completely free of those dozens of mistletoes by 5:00 p.m. today. I will also be having words with you on company policy against blackmailing personnel into shutting down the elevators while people are inside it.

Mr. Mahealani and Ms. Yukimura, you will be writing a formal apology to Mrs. Anderson for instigating the mess in first place with that betting pool. She has been our client for almost ten years. I’m sure she was not planning to board the elevator only to see such exhibitionism. I expect the written apology on my desk tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m.

The next couple I see using the elevators for anything other than its intended use will be fired immediately.

Mr. Stilinski, come see me at my office at 2:00 p.m.

P.S. And it was just a kiss, dammit Kira.

 


 

From: Derek Hale <mrclause@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <theothermrclause@hc.com>, L. Martin <dancer@hc.com>, E. Reyes <vixen@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <dasher@hc.com>, I. Lahey <prancer@hc.com>, A. Argent <blitzen@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <cupid@hc.com>, S. McCall <donner@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <comet@hc.com>, V. Boyd <iamnotareindeer@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <elvesbrigade@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding Proper Attire and Conduct in the Workplace

I would like to remind everyone that Hale Corp has a strict policy concerning proper attire in the workplace. We do not allow our employees to don costumes of elves, angels, devils, toy soldiers, snowpeople, or ballerinas (though the latter was actually a nice tribute to The Nutcracker, Ms. Argent).

However, I will allow the Santa hats, provided you all ignore Mr. Stilinski and Mr. McCall’s example and stop whipping the poofy ends at one another. While still wearing the hat. Which can lead to bumps in the head. Or dizziness that could lead to vomit all over my office.

Mr. Boyd, I almost wish you allowed yourself to be Rudolph. You know we do not allow for discrimination in the workplace, whether it is of our fellow employees or reindeers with red noses.

Also, all senior employees, please refrain from calling your junior colleagues ‘elves’.

Ms. Reyes, please refrain from ordering your team members to sing Christmas carols.

Ms. Martin, please refrain from making your interns line up and perform similar to an assembly line as you order them to wrap their own gifts. Not only is it against the rules to redirect personnel and resources into non-company ventures, but it also loses the element of surprise for the upcoming Christmas party and gift exchange.

P.S. Danny, I will allow the change in email addresses for the time being, but please reprogram it to its original I.D.s by the end of the day.

 


 

From: Derek Hale <dhale@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <givemederek@hc.com>, L. Martin <designerstuffonly@hc.com>, E. Reyes <ediblenunderwear@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <everyonebutmccall@hc.com>, I. Lahey <scarfandchocolates@hc.com>, A. Argent <newquiverpls@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <leatherjacketpls@hc.com>, S. McCall <everyonebutjackson@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <youcantaffordit@hc.com>, V. Boyd <anythingisfine@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <we_are_being_harassed@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding the Secret Santa

First of all, Ms. Yukimura, Ms. Argent, I commend you both for organizing this year’s Christmas party and Secret Santa. I know many of our employees are looking forward to it.

Second, I would like to remind everyone that Hale Corp has a strict policy under the ‘Christmas Party’ section of the rulebook concerning the importance of a) sticking to the agreed-upon amount, and b) employees switching names for the Secret Santa. Employees are not allowed to request or give above the designated amount and are also not allowed to exchange names or pester people into revealing the names they picked.

Mr. Stilinski, please refrain from questioning the employees as to who picked my name. Mr. Whittemore and Mr. McCall, please refrain from asking other employees to switch names with you. If one more intern comes crying to my office because of you three, I will ban the Secret Santa all together.

Ms. Reyes, this is just to warn you that there are gifts that are too personal which your giver may or may not be comfortable with buying for you. If possible, provide more options.

Mr. Boyd, I cannot honor your request for temporary leave. You will not leave me here alone. We can however discuss you taking a week off in January in preparation for Valentine’s Day. Please meet me at my office at 3:30 p.m. today.

P.S. Danny, Lydia, your Secret Santas have approached me. Stop asking for too much. Refer to the rule book for appropriate gifts and following the designated price.

 


 

From: Derek Hale <deckthehale@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <derekjinglesmybells@hc.com>, L. Martin <givemeloveonxmasday@hc.com>, E. Reyes <comeallyefaithfulonme@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <nuttingforxmas@hc.com>, I. Lahey <notsolittledrummerboy@hc.com>, A. Argent <whitechristmas@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <notasilentnight@hc.com>, S. McCall <dingdongmerrily@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <the12laysofxmas@hc.com>, V. Boyd <sleighride@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <rockingaroundurxmastree@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Regarding the Christmas Party

I would like to remind everyone that our annual Christmas Party is next week. Please take heed of the appropriate dress code for such an event as stated in our rule book. Those who do not comply to those guidelines will not be allowed to enter the building.

Also, may I remind everyone that heavy liquor is not allowed at the party. I repeat, NOT ALLOWED. Despite the festivities, we should all conduct ourselves properly and professionally.

I am also reminding everyone not to forget their gifts for their Secret Santa. Not once has an employee left the party without a gift, something we should all be proud of, and we should not break that record or leave our coworkers disappointed and without gifts.

Mr. Lahey, I will concede that playing Christmas songs through the company speakers is a good idea for boosting morale. However, you will be fired within the hour if you do not stop playing highly inappropriate and perverted Christmas songs. I don’t even know where you found them. Stick to traditional and appropriate songs, or so help me.

P.S. THOSE EMAIL ADDRESSES ARE THE WORST! CHANGE THEM! IMMEDIATELY!

P.P.S. ESPECIALLY YOU, STILES!

 


 

From: Derek Hale <propertyofstiles@hc.com>
To: S. Stilinski <derekhaleismyboo@hc.com>, L. Martin <iwait4officesexvideos@hc.com>, E. Reyes <areyouupfor3some@hc.com>, J. Whittemore <ucandobetterderek@hc.com>, I. Lahey <dirtydancingderek@hc.com>, A. Argent <derekgotmoves@hc.com>, K. Yukimura <derekusedtongue@hc.com>, S. McCall <shutupjax_stilesawesum@hc.com>, D. Mahealani <compilingallproof@hc.com>, V. Boyd <imhappy4uall@hc.com>, Hale Corp Employees <thepreziswhipped@hcgroups.com>

Subject: Merry Christmas!

First of all, a very Merry Christmas from the desk of company president, Derek Hale. This is Stiles Stilinski, sending you your daily downer of an email in his name. President Hale is currently indisposed, but he will return to sending you his entertaining emails soon enough.

We assume that by now everyone is aware of what happened at the company Christmas party yesterday when President Hale drank too much liquor and was unfortunately unable to get a hold of himself.

For one thing, whoever is responsible for that, please be warned that once President Hale is back to his old self, he will hunt you down and skin you alive.

Second, President Hale and I are well aware that there are videos circulating around the company where the President was seen grabbing yours truly for some R-rated action on the dance floor a la Dirty Dancing. Do be warned that the next person to even mention that in President Hale’s presence will be fired on the spot. I, however, am less prissy and prude. Feel free to share videos and photos with me. I would like to have all possible copies in all possible angles, resolutions, and formats.

Third, this is to reiterate that Derek Hale and myself, Stiles Stilinski, are now in a very serious, very adult relationship. We would both appreciate it if you all remember that and avoid flirting with either of us, staring for prolonged periods of time, or unnecessarily bending over and climbing furniture to flash body parts (yes, that’s you Beth from Finance).

We hope that you all enjoy the holidays and the coming New Year’s Day and we look forward to another year of working harmoniously with you all.

P.S. Jackson, you’re a douchebag.

P.P.S. No, Erica. Derek and I are strictly monogamous.

P.P.P.S. Oh, there will be office sex, Lydia. ;)

P.P.P.P.S. You all better change your names before Derek sees them.