Work Header

tony spagoni was a mad lad

Work Text:

I was happy once, thought a mysterious man creeping in the shadows of a New York alley. Then he appeared. And out of nowhere, my life was ruined forever. This is the story of how Tony Spagoni ruined my, Lawrence Exeter Jr.’s, life. 



It all began when Lawrence was leaving his favorite sweet shoppe. Nah, it had actually started a while ago but this is where things begin to take a turn for the worse. Anyways, he was enjoying his extra-large circular rainbow swirl lollipop when a man came up from behind him and said, “Mhm, that’s a nice lollipop.” 


“Oh my god, Tony Spagoni, is that you?!” 


“I might just take it for myself,” he said, dodging the question. Tony grabbed the lollipop out of Lawrence’s hands and ran off with it. 


He fell to his knees and cried out in pure sadness. “No! Not my lollipop!”


“It’s payment for all of your wrong-doings and poor life choices!” Tony called as he ran away, never looking back. 



I never should have messed with the mafia, Lawrence thought, crying on his pillowcase. Suddenly, his wife, Marie, walked into the room. 


“What’s wrong, sugarplum?” she asked, concerned for her dear husband. Lawrence has never been the same since he started gambling , she thought. But she kept those thoughts to herself. For their only child, BurgundyWine, could not handle the truth about their father. 


“Nothing, leave me to my thoughts, you foolish woman.” And his thoughts were this: Wow, women are so disappointing. I would rather live with Tony Spagoni over this wench any day. At least he’s kinda hot.  


But alas, he could not. So, he just had to cry in bed and deal with it. 


When Lawrence was in a better headspace, he went downstairs for dinner with his family. “Lawrence, I prepared your favorite meal for the evening,” Marie called. 


He gasped. “Dinosaur chicken nuggies?!” Maybe my wife isn’t so bad after all.  


“Hey, dad!” little BurgundyWine squeaked with joy. “How was your day today?” 


“Terrible,” Lawrence deadpanned. 


Marie looked up in shock. “What did your therapist say about expressing your mental health in front of the child?” 


“What did I say about talking back to me, woman?!” 


BurgundyWine sat at the table in shock, their mouth agape. 


“You have no right to speak to me that way, Lawrence. For it is you that is funneling our money into nothing but chances.” 


“How dare you accuse me of gambling!” 


“If you’re going to gamble Lawrence, at least be good at it. Stop giving your money away to fiends, such as Tony Spagoni!” 


Lawrence gasped once more, not in delight, but in shock. She knows about Tony Spagoni . How?  


As if to read his mind, Marie replies, “And yes, I know of Tony Spagoni. For he tells me about how foolish you are on our dates!” 


He fell to the floor in utter disbelief. BurgundyWine smacked their hand across their mouth. Their only thoughts: Boom. Roasted.  


In a panic, Lawrence tried to escape the situation by running out the front door. He flung it open, but before he could leave Tony Spagoni appeared. He was leaning against the door frame, dressed in khakis and a plaid dress shirt, holding a bouquet of roses. Taio Cruz’ “Dynamite” was playing ominously in the background. 


“You’re not Marie?” Tony Spagoni exclaimed quizzically. Before Lawrence could respond, Tony catches him off guard, “Oh well, doesn’t matter to me.” He grabbed Lawrence, knocked him unconscious, and stuffed him in the back of his limo. Before Marie and BurgundyWine could say anything, they sped off and Lawrence was never heard from by the general public ever again. 



Eight years has now passed. Tony Spagoni dumped me. Not literally, like in a ditch or something, I mean like we broke up. I tried to return home to my family, but Marie has since passed and BurgundyWine wanted nothing to do with me. Now I live in Spain, but the “s” is silent.