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Not a Single Thing You Can Do About It

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Cover. A dark blue face mask on a light blue background.  Title: Not a Single Thing You Can Do About It. Credits: written and read by oakleaf.

Details

Length: 6:42

Streaming & Download

Download:
as mp3 from Internet Archive

Credits

Music

iPhone sound effects

Additional music: Stars and Galaxy by Dark Fantasy Studio

Cover art

Made on Pixlr X using the following stock image

Story text

They’re all sitting at the communal dining area in the evening when Guoguo comes in with the day’s deliveries. She hands them out to the recipients while Yifan clears the plates and loads the dishwasher. 

“And another one for you, Ye Xiu,” she says, handing him the final item from her mail bag. 

Ye Xiu looks confusedly at the package in his hands, then shrugs and adds it to the two nearly identically sized packages on the table in front of him.

Baozi rolls his eyes. It’s the third day running that this has happened. 


The three open packages sit on Ye Xiu’s desk. Three packs of nicotine patches, each a different brand, each with a different number of patches within. None of them are his preferred brand, though, and he doesn’t remember ordering them. 

Oh well, he thinks, putting the packs away in a drawer, they’ll come in handy eventually. 

The packaging goes into the bin, joining the outer packaging of two packs of face masks and one pack of the actual nicotine patches he prefers.


It’s on the sixth day after Single’s Day that Ye Xiu actually cottons on that something isn’t adding up. He opens up the first of the two packages he received today to find a face mask with the Tiny Herb logo on it. 

He loves Wang Jiexi, he really does, and hopes nothing but the best for their team, but he really wouldn’t go so far as to sully his signature item with another team’s logo. 

Although, he thinks, branded face masks. They should make that part of the Happy team’s merch. 

The second package is a cardboard box, which it turns out has a slightly smaller cardboard box within it. He’s suddenly, immensely glad for the outer box when he spies the words “God Ye Fan Club and Models” written on the inner box. Hesitantly, he opens it up to find -

An umbrella. Interesting.

It’s one for use in the rain, but patterned to look like his Myriad Manifestation Umbrella. It’s pretty sturdy looking, so he hangs it up on his coat rack and tries to see if there was a note inside. 

“Bingo!”

Hidden behind the invoice is a second piece of paper that has “gifter’s message” written at the top.

My unfilial brother, expecting you home for New Year’s Eve.

Ye Xiu snorts and shoots a quick message off to his brother.  

> Got your umbrella. Didn’t know you were such a fan of my work ;)


Ye Xiu manages to completely forget about the Tiny Herb mask until the following evening, when he’s handed another two small packages. Both of them are small and kind of squishy. 

“Damn, Ye Xiu, you really went hard on the Single’s Day shopping!”

“I don’t remember buying anything,” he murmurs, ripping open the packaging right there at the table. It’s yet another face mask, but this one has a rather terrible likeness of Lord Grim on it. The face is all melty and the umbrella is bent. 

Ye Xiu frowns. He definitely didn’t buy this. Tearing straight into the second package, he finds his third face mask in two days. Well, actually, it’s a pack of 5, bright blue, and emblazoned with the Blue Rain logo. What.

He looks up at his team, confused. “I definitely did not buy these.”

He notices that Qiao Yifan is in the kitchen and refuses to join his teammates who are currently craning their necks trying to see the masks. 

Interesting.


Ye Xiu corners Yifan afterwards, as they head off to do some evening study. 

“Hey, Yifan, can you come with me? I have some strategies that I’d like to go over with you tonight.”

Yifan sounds his agreement and follows Ye Xiu into their conference room. 

To Yifan’s surprise, Ye Xiu sits down with him at the table. 

“Do you know why I got a Tiny Herb mask in the mail yesterday?”

Yifan avoids his eyes. “Uh, I. I don’t know anything about it?”

Yifan is entirely unconvincing. 

“Hmm. I guess I could ask Big-Eyed Wang about it? Must have something to do with Huang Shaotian too...”

Yifan is clearly trying not to squirm, so Ye Xiu takes pity on him.

“Can you take a look at this map?” he says, and hands Yifan a heavily marked up copy of the dungeon they were planning to raid.


The Most Glorious

Ye Xiu: @Wang Jiexi, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about why a mask with your team’s emblem on it ending up in my post, would you?

Wang Jiexi: No idea what you’re talking about.

Su Mucheng: LOL

Ye Xiu: Do you want it? I can send it to you ^^

Wang Jiexi: Please don’t.

Ye Xiu: I guess @Huang Shaotian or @Yu Wenzhou are in on it too?

Huang Shaotian: Wang Jiexi you did it too? I was just going to mess around with lao-Ye because he’s not using the mask any more I thought it was really funny. Anyway, did you like the design? I know the colour isn’t your favourite but the Blue is a really nice shade!

Su Mucheng: LOL

Huang Shaotian: Someone told me that our new merch line was masks and I couldn't resist!!! They decided to make a whole new range of stuff, I think there was a Tshirt? PK me and if I win I’ll send you one and you have to wear it in public! PKPKPKPKPK

Han Wenqing: I sent some nicotine patches along, did you get them?

Ye Xiu: You’re becoming more and more like a grandma, lao-Han.


It is a truth universally ignored that the Glory pro players were, well, often young and had more money than sense.

It is for this reason that Ye Xiu ends up with masks from all of the main pro teams, including some duplicates. Well, all except Tyranny, but then again, Ye Xiu had never been accused of having much sense outside Glory.