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Oh, Santa

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Elvis Costello
NARRATOR (ELVIS COSTELLO)
It's Christmas Eve, and Stephen is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus with a plate of cookies.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Oh, Santa!
I can't wait for you to come
I just can't wait for you to come
And I've got cookies!
Three yummy cookies!
Just for you for when you come
Oh me, for you for when you come
Because it's Christmas!

(Knocking.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
Could that be Santa?
Could that be him?
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me
A good fake news host like me?

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
Stephen is surprised to be greeted, not by Santa, but by a handsome homosexual.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Who are you?

Dan Savage
DAN SAVAGE
I'm a gay guy!
And I've come to tempt the straights
Oh yes, I've come to tempt the straights
At least I've come to call for tolerance in your morals
So stand back, step aside, or just bend over
And let me in!

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
Although morally offended by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas, Stephen makes an offering.

Stephen
STEPHEN
My will is firm
I won't convert, my well-groomed friend
But I have cookies
Three yummy cookies
So you can't have me
But please take this, my well-groomed friend
Eat one of these, my well-groomed friend
They are for Santa
But you may have one

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
The homosexual is truly touched by Stephen's good will. But Stephen, although momentarily distracted, is still excited about seeing Santa.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Oh, Santa!
I can't wait for you to come
I just can't wait for you to come
And I've got cookies!
Two yummy cookies!
Just for you for when you come
Oh me, for you for when you come
Because it's Christmas!


Dan Savage
DAN SAVAGE
I'm a gay guy!
I came to tempt the straights
Oh yes! I came to tempt the straights
You shared a cookie
A yummy cookie
Though I'd love to tap that ass
This time I think I'll pass
Because it's Christmas!

(Knocking.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
Could that be Santa?
Could that be him?
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me
A good fake news host like me?

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
Once again, it is not Santa who has come to Stephen's door, but this time a secular liberal.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Who are you?

Jon
JON STEWART
I'm a liberal!
And I've come for compromise
Oh yes! I've come for compromise
And I've come to ask for tiny legislative concessions
And I've come to...give in a whole lot
But still have hope!

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
Although disdainful of the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Stephen makes an offering.

Stephen
STEPHEN
I'm not in Congress
I don't make laws, my Jewish friend
But I have cookies
Two yummy cookies
Wouldn't compromise anyway
But please take this, my Jewish friend
Eat one of these, my Jewish friend
They are for Santa
But you may have one

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
The liberal is also touched by Stephen's good will. But Stephen's thoughts are still with Santa.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Oh, Santa!
I can't wait for you to come
I just can't wait for you to come
I've got a cookie!
A yummy cookie!
Just for you for when you come
Oh me, for you for when you come
Because it's Christmas!


Jon
JON STEWART
I'm a liberal!
I came to compromise
Oh yes, I came to compromise
You shared a cookie
A yummy cookie
It won't fix any damage
But for right now we'll manage
Because it's Christmas!

(Knocking.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
Could that be Santa?
Could that be him?
Could it be the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me
A good fake news host like me?

Elvis Costello
NARRATOR
Stephen is greeted now by a protestor from Occupy Wall Street.

Stephen
STEPHEN
Who are you?

Ketchup
KETCHUP
I'm from the 99%!
And I'm here to protest—

(Slam.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
Oh, Santa!
I can't wait for you to come
I just can't wait for you to come...

(Commotion at the chimney.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
It's finally Santa!
It's finally him!
At last, the one who brings presents for a fake news host like me
A good fake news host like me!

Santa
SANTA
I'm Santa!
And I've come to bring you gifts
Oh yes! I've come to bring you gifts
And I've come to stuff your stockings, oh ho-ho-ho!
And I've come to jiggle my belly
And wiggle my nose!

...Hey, wait a minute! Do either of you two even believe in Christmas?

Dan Savage
DAN SAVAGE
I'm just here to lick Stephen's icing.

Jon
JON STEWART
I did offer to share my latkes.

Santa

SANTA

Then you're not on my list yet! Get over here!

(SANTA chases DAN and JON out. KETCHUP enters through the open door.)

Ketchup
KETCHUP
Time for some redistribution of chow.

(KETCHUP takes the last cookie and runs out.)

Stephen
STEPHEN
Merry...Christmas?