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Should, Can’t, and Won’t Are Very Different Things

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When Clarke raises the gun, hot tears stream down her cheeks, “Don’t make me do this,” she sobs.

Bellamy’s face hardens behind his anguish, “You’re not going to shoot me Clarke. I’m sorry.” Bellamy raises the book to hand it to one of the decipels.

A sob wrenches out of Clarke’s throat when she pulls the trigger. First, shooting the two decipels, and then aiming back at Bellamy.

“Please.” Hot tears continue to stream down her face and she can barely see straight, lip quivering. The gun shaking in her hands.

“Clarke, put the gun down. We both know you are going to have to kill me for this book.” There is hope behind his dark eyes.
Clarke steadies her hands and aims the gun, cocking it.

“You’re wrong.” She shoots his shin and races towards him. She wrenches the book out of his hands and drags him toward the Anomaly, “Even if-“ She adjusts her grip, “you betrayed all of us. I won’t murder my best friend.” They make it to the green light and they appear in the woods.

When they make it through the portal they both grunt. Bellamy is sitting leaning back between Clarke’s legs, back facing her. Their friends are surrounding them, questioning and shocked looks on their faces, “Miller! Murphy! Hold him down!”

“What the hell happened?!” Murphy yells. Clarke sobs a bit and throws Madi her sketchbook.

“Burn it! Now!” Clarke gasps for breath while she cuts through the ankle of Bellamy’s pants beneath his robe. Blood red on white blinding her vision.

“Jordan, go get a first aid kit from the bunker! Niylah, go with him and try to find some Moonshine or any sterilizer. Hurry!” Everyone jumps into action. Taking orders from Clarke.

Octavia helps Madi start the fire for her sketchbook. Bellamy let’s out a heart wrenching scream.

“No! Don’t burn it! It needs to get to the Shepherd!” His leg jerks almost kicking Clarke.

“Bellamy, so help me god! If you don’t stop babbling that nonsense, I’ll gag you!” Clarke says glaring but still shaking.

Echo walks over to Clarke. “What the hell happened to him?” Clarke looks up and stares at her, “I-“ She gets cut off.

“She shot me!” Bellamy growls. Clarke looks to Bellamy anger overtaking her.

“You’re lucky it was just your shin! I could’ve killed you!” She bellows, she shakes with fear, anger, and grief all at once.

“Oh please! You and I both know that’s not true, you didn’t do it the first time you wouldn’t have now!” He roars. Clarke just looks at him, shoulders falling.

“You’re so wrong, Bellamy. Last time... I couldn’t even imagine shooting you, there was nothing for me to be angry about. I knew you and you were just trying to save your sister. Now? Now, I have so many things to be angry at you about. This time I pictured myself shooting you and it being the right thing. But, no! My fucking heart decided no. ‘You would probably kill yourself with grief. Everyone would hate you because you killed your best friend-‘“ Clarke’s voice breaks and she lets out a sob. She wraps her arms around her stomach and gasps for air. “Everyone would hate ME because I killed my best friend. Even I would hate myself. I can imagine it. Me hating myself and grieving for you to the point where I kill myself. Because I’m despicable. My dad is dead, Wells is dead, I killed Finn, I’m the reason Lexa died, I killed my own MOTHER! What else do I need to have validation to kill myself? How much longer do I have to fight? How many more people I love will die? When will the Universe decide, ‘Okay, I think you’ve gone through enough.’ When!?” Clarke sobs, more hot tears streaming down her face, gasping for air. Bellamy just sits there and watches her. Clarke stands up wiping her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Clarke I have the first aid, and Niylah has the moonshine!” He tosses her the kit and she sits back down. Focusing on her work. Niylah places the moonshine next to her. She knows everyone is watching her. Honestly, she doesn’t really care. Everyone already knew that about her, except maybe Gabriel. Jackson walks behind Clarke, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I’ll sterilize the tools.” He says reassuringly.

“Cadogan took a nano tracker and left. He said he had no interest of being here.” Gaia spoke.

Clarke is washing Bellamy’s bullet wound with the moonshine. Clarke stops cuts another piece of cloth, this time from his robe (because it’s thicker) and gives it to him. He takes it and bites down on it. Clarke takes the necessary tools from Jackson after cleaning her hands again.

“You might want to look away for this, Bell.” She says calmly. He nods and looks towards the trees. Clarke doesn’t give him a warning. Maybe it’s on purpose, maybe she just forgets. When she pulls the bullet out she wraps it in cloth. She washes his wound again and then carefully uses the first aid bandages to wrap it up. Clarke stands up, wipes her hands on her pants and walks further into the woods. When she takes a deep breath she knows everyone watching her from a far, her figure slowly disappearing. There’s a river she makes it to and she sits by the water. Clarke takes in a deep breath, falling onto her back on the rocks, looking up to the sun. Feeling the warmth of it is calming, and she closes her eyes.

 

——

 

“Well if your relationship before was confusing, it sure as hell just got worse.” Raven says abruptly. Bellamy rolls his eyes.

“So, absolutely none of you think I’m sane do you?” He sighs. Jordan speaks up.

“Well actually, I do think there is some sort of thing to transcend. Definitely not whatever the hell your Shepherd believes, but there is something.” Jordan smiles.

“You actually think there’s a way to transcend?” Bellamy says doubtfully, looking down.

“Yes. I think it may be a test.” Jordan says matter of factly, “A test that someone will take to represent mankind.”

“And if we pass we will go to the light and fight no more.” Bellamy says.

“Exactly. It’s not a war. It’s a test.” Jordan clarifies.

“That actually makes way more sense.” Bellamy says calmly.

“The problem is, you choose to transcend when the time comes, and some people don’t even get the option they are chosen to stay. If you choose to stay you will not be able to transcend when you die.” Jordan looks down. “I’m not sure I want to transcend.”

“What?! Why not?” Bellamy questions. Jordan looks him straight in the eye.

“I’ve been on a ship for 26 years and I kind of want to experience life a bit. Even if that means I don’t go to the light or whatever.” Raven walks up to Jordan and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Well! If you don’t transcend then we don’t transcend. Honestly it sounds amazing to live on Earth with just our little group. That is real transcendence.”

“Well I know for sure I’m not transcending.” Clarke deadpanned, scaring everyone a little bit with how quiet she was. Murphy laughs and puts an arm around her shoulder.

“I know I’m not either! Remember when I died? Yeah. Didn’t look too bright to me,” He smiled at Clarke, “Besides, us cockroaches gotta stick together.” Clarke laughs and pushes him off of her, rolling her eyes.

Bellamy looks at everyone and frowns. He looks down and fidgets with his finger nails. A small hand rests on his shoulder. Bellamy looks up to find Madi.

“What do you say Bellamy? You going to live on Earth with us? Or are you going to spend time with a bunch of privileged pricks?” Bellamy’s eyebrows furrow. ‘How could I have thought about handing her over to Cadogan? They would have killed her.’ Her freckled face and bright blue eyes are smiling at him. He smiles back.

“Yeah, kid. I will.”

“Alright good! Because I know that passcode.” Everyone’s head whips to her. “What? If you had a person in your head telling you very specific symbols were important, you’d listen too.”

“Alright, so who wants to represent mankind.” Jordan says.

“I nominate Raven!” Clarke says cheerily, “I told you before, you are probably one of the best people I know.”

“I second that.” Bellamy says.

“Well say no more, the princess and the rebel king have spoken!” Murphy declares. Everyone laughs and makes they’re way to the bunker where the anomaly is.

“Raven we don’t know what will happen when you get in there. Just trust your gut.” Clarke says. Raven nods.

“You can do this okay? Your the smartest person I know.” Bellamy hugs her. Tears prick at her eyes.

“Thanks Blake, but I gotta go.” Bellamy laughs and pats her back.

“You ready?” Jordan asks.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” He nods and the portal opens. She puts her helmet of and walks through. The portal closes.

“Well? What should we do while we wait?” Emori asks.

“I think I have a few people to talk to.” Bellamy says, a sad look on his face.

“Well, I guess I’ll go first.” Octavia volunteers, smiling at her older brother. He smiles back at her.

After a long heartfelt and tear filled brother-sister reunion they emerged from the trees an arm slung over Octavias shoulders as they bickered like children.

“Bellamy, we need to talk.” Echo says in a serious tone. Bellamy stops short and nods, following her. When Clarke looks at them her heart pulls a little, jealousy is not a good feeling. Especially when it involves someone you care deeply for.

When they come back they seemed distant still, but smiles on their faces none the less. Bellamy holds out his hand to Clarke, motioning her to follow him. Clarke steps up and takes his hand, they walk until they reach the river.

“I’m sorry,” Bellamy whispers, voice breaking, “I should have never put you in that position. I just- God, I just wanted to save everyone so bad that I-“ He sighs out a breath. “I wanted peace so bad. I wanted so badly to end it all and to just go home. When I saw my mother and the storm stop, I thought that if I just believed like those nut cases it would have worked. When it did I actually fell into their belief, like I was hypnotized. I believed in it so much that I became a sheep for a selfish shepherd. I believed in it so much, that I almost killed the people I love.” Tears have already started streaming down his freckled cheeks. His throat is tight and he closes his eyes, looking down. Clarke steps up to him.

“Bell. Look at me.” Bellamy refuses to pull his head up. Clarke’s hands cup his jaw and force him gently to look at her. “I’m sorry too. I should have at least tried to believe you. You are my best friend and I said I wouldn’t lose sight of you being my family-,” She sobs, “But, I did and I am so sorry.”

Bellamy’s gaze falls onto her lips quivering. His hands reach hers and pulls them down to his neck. He reaches for her cheek and looks sincerely into her eyes. “Princess I- God I’m so stupid. I love you so fucking much. I’ve loved you for so fucking long and I couldn’t even tell you.” Clarke nods and her hands play absently with the curls on the back of his neck.

“I love you too Bell, I have for a while. Even with Lexa, I knew I would still have a stupid attachment to you that I never understood.” He frowns at her and a hand lands on her waist pulling her closer. Clarke pulls him down and their lips are inches apart. He breathes and theirs lips meet. Instantly he knows that this is what it’s always supposed to have felt like. All those years of being with other people and never has it felt like this. Fireworks, but soft. They kiss in desperation, Clarke’s hands find his curls, and Bellamy pulls her closer almost lifting her up. Clarke pulls back and breathes, her lips parted.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” Bellamy whispers. Clarke wraps her arms around him and buries her face into his neck.

“I have a few ideas.” She breathes out. Bellamy laughs and his arms tighten around her.