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I Will Not Forget You

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I remember the nights I watched as you lay sleeping
Your body gripped by some far away dream
Well I was so scared and so in love then
And so lost in all of you that I had seen

I was lying there on my bed in the darkness of my room and felt his warm body lying right beside me. He was fast asleep and I wished to be able to join him in the nevernever land of sleep. But I couldn't - not when he was so close that my body was almost touching his and I could hear his even breath.

The full moon flooded my room with her unreal light so that I almost felt as if I was dreaming. The whole scene resembled my most secret fantasies so closely that it scared me. Somehow I could never really believe that he was there, sharing my bed after another night of making love passionately, with an abandon that made me forget completely that there was something missing.

But no one ever talked in the darkness
No voice ever added fuel to the fire
No light ever shone in the doorway
Deep in the hollow of earthly desires

The problem was that, as soon as he had fallen asleep, exhausted from pleasing me again and again, fear gripped my heart again. I was familiar with this fear, it came back every time - but I still did not expect it.

It was fear of losing him, losing the little I had of him - a fear that I knew all too well was real. What we had was not something to do in day time, our meetings belonged to the night, when no one would see him sneak into my room.

He would never talk more than necessary, just hold onto me as if I was his lifeline and devour me as if I was what kept him alive. And at that moment I was completely satisfied - but only until he fell asleep and I realized that once again he had avoided to say the words that were so important to me.

But if in some dream there was brightness
If in some memory some sort of sign
And flesh be revived in the shadows
Blessed our bodies would lay so entwined

Why did I always have to come back to that? Sometimes it seemed to me that what we had should be enough, *could* be enough for me. So he didn't say that he needed me - but he showed it to me every single night he spent with me. His body spoke to mine in a language much clearer than words. When he thrust into my body he told me that he craved me just as much as I craved him, when I felt him shiver beneath my touch I knew that I had touched his soul just as he had touched mine.

But of course that was only until he fell asleep and thus began to slip from my grasp. And I could do nothing but lie there and dread the morning.

And I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will oh I will not forget you

Although I knew that he was only going to hurt me again there was nothing I could do about it - he possessed my heart and soul and I did not want it to be any different. I loved him so much, so much that all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him. And if that was not possible then I would take what I could get - no matter the consequences... At least that was what I tried to tell myself.

I remember when you left in the morning at daybreak
So silent you stole from my bed
To go back to the one who possesses your soul
And I back to the life that I dread.

But of course it still hurt as bad as always when I felt him leave in the morning. He thought I was still asleep - I had never told him that I could never sleep when he was with me. I tried to keep my breathing even as I listened to the sounds of him collecting his clothes and putting them on silently. I had to fight the tears threatening to escape my closed eyes as he planted a small kiss on my forehead. And when I heard the door close behind him I felt as if I would die.

He was killing me slowly - coming to me like a thief in the night, fulfilling every dream I ever had and then leaving in the morning to go back to his love.

That was what he called her in public, in front of everyone - in front of me. He loved her, that was never discussed between us - but then we never talked anyway, didn't we? He loved her and he would never leave her. It didn't matter how many times he came to me in the middle of the night to make love to me, didn't matter how many times my heart broke when he left me in the morning.

So I ran like the wind to the water
Please don't leave me again I cried
And I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was the tide...

Don't think I swallowed it all. I fought, or tried to at least - but it was difficult because no one could know about me. And I was always surrounded by other people, well meaning people who called themselves my friends although they had no idea what was really going on with me.

I talked to him, I wanted him to leave her and be with me, to tell the world about us, no matter what they might think. But he talked about duty and love and family, pleading with me to understand. He said he was sorry but that he couldn't give me more. I asked him if he wanted this to stop, wanted *us* to stop - but although I knew he needed me, he obviously didn't need me enough.

And I will oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will oh I will not forget you

So I'm lying there on my bed in the darkness of my room - alone - and I wonder if he will come visit me tonight, make love to me and tell me he loves me without words... Or will I have to spend my nights as alone as my days?