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Self-Love

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Tobin could feel the heat creeping up her neck and flushing across her cheeks. She has no idea why Kelley is even talking about masturbation in the middle of the locker room post training, but she had been quite happily ignoring her until she went and brought Christen in on the conversation.

“Everyone likes to tickle the pickle y’know? Human nature.” Kelley announces.

“Kelley, stop.” Alex reprimands, and Tobin can almost hear her eyes rolling.

“Except Christen. She’s too pure for such filthy things.”

“Oh my God. Kelley!” Alex chides again. This time she flicks her towel for good measure, whipping at the back of Kelley’s legs. “Stop!”

“Actually,” Christen interrupts absentmindedly as she continues packing her kit bag, “I think self love is very important. It helps reduce stress and tension, improves your mood and can help you relax both mentally and physically, improving sleep quality and alertness. Soooo… I self love whenever I can.”

There’s a moment of stunned silence before the locker room erupts into a ruckus of noise. Tobin prays nobody is paying any attention to her or the fact she just fell into the wall. She’s sure her face has just flushed to the same colour as her jersey.

“Christen Press! You absolute minx!” Ashlyn cries between pants as she tries to stop laughing and Christen just shrugs in response.

“Who are you rooming with!? Tobin?!” Kelley wheels round to face her and Tobin really hopes the smile she’s just plastered on her face doesn’t look too obviously fake. “Did you hear that Tobin? Whenever she can. The second she’s out of your sight-“

Kelley’s hand slips down the front of her shorts and this time Alex throws her whole towel at her.

“Kelley!”


Tobin is nervously fidgeting with the cable on her ear buds when Christen slips into her usual seat next to her on the bus.

“Hey.” Tobin greets, and she hopes her cheeks aren’t still visibly glowing as hotly as they feel.

“Hey, you disappeared.”

It’s true, by time Alex’s towel had hit the floor, Tobin’s pretty confident she had already rocketed out the locker room and half way back to the bus with her shoes half tied and bag hanging open.

“Ah, yeah, I’ve been listening to a podcast, wanted to get back to it.” She lies, her throat tightening at sight of Christen’s fingers fiddling with the zip on her jacket. The same fingers that-

 “You okay?” Christen asks her.

“Mmm, yeah, I’m fine. Good. Yeah, I’m good.” Tobin winces at the nervous ramble in her voice. “You good?”

Christen hums, her head pushing back into her seat. It makes Tobin think of the noises Christen might make when she’s-

“Better now we’re heading back,” Christen’s voice breaks her out of her daydream, and Tobin shifts uncomfortably, “that was a tough practice.”

“Yeah-“

“Oh, shoot.” Christen cuts her off, her palm slapping against her own forehead. “You said you wanted to listen to your podcast.”

“I-“

“No,” she interrupts again, her head shaking aggressively. “Ignore me. Pretend I’m not even here.”

A lock of Christen’s hair had fallen loose from her ponytail when she shook her head and Tobin clenches her hands together to stop herself from reaching out to push it behind her ear for her. Before she can do something stupid like kiss her friend in the middle of a stale coach, Tobin slips her earbuds in and presses play on the random podcast she spotted on Spotify five minutes ago.

She tries to ignore the way her hands are clamming up at the feel of Christen’s head resting on her shoulder. There isn’t a single hope in hell that she could ever pretend Christen wasn’t there.


Even Tobin knows she’s being obviously quiet and she’s aware of the way Christen has been looking at her worriedly all evening.

She just can’t help it. She barely talks during dinner, or during the team meeting they have before being dismissed for the night.

She just can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s perfectly normal. Heck, it isn’t like she doesn’t masturbate herself when the mood takes her. She just hadn’t ever thought about Christen, sweet, beautiful Christen who she’s had a crush on for the past two years doing it. It isn’t like she hadn’t thought about Christen like that either. She had. Some of her best self-love endings had come from thinking about all the things she wanted to do to her.

But Christen doing it to herself-

Tobin pushes her head back into her pillow and tries to ignore the heat swirling in her stomach. Things had been awkward when they got back to the room, and Tobin knew it was her fault. She just couldn’t shake the image of Christen touching herself from her mind.

“Hey, Tobin?” Christen says quietly into the darkness of the room.

Tobin swallows and wills her voice to come out normal. “Whatsup?”

“I was thinking… About earlier, in the locker room?”

The feel of her heart pounding against her chest makes Tobin wonder if she really is too young to have a heart attack. “Oh?”

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. About the, you know, the self-love comment I made.” Tobin’s cheeks feel like they should be lighting up the room. “I know not everyone is comfortable talking about that sort of thing, so I’m sorry. I know you said you were listening to a podcast, but then I was wondering if you really were? Because you normally tell me about the podcasts you find, so I thought maybe you were just trying to ignore me. And really it wasn’t-“

Christen is starting to ramble and Tobin can’t bear the other woman thinking she’s done something wrong. “You don’t have anything to apologise for.”

“Oh.” Christen remains silent for a moment, and Tobin knows it’s impossible, but she swears she can almost hear her forehead creasing. “It’s just… You’ve been really quiet since. I was worried.”

“Chris, you could never make me uncomfortable.” She replies, ignoring Christen’s acknowledgment that she had noticed how quiet she had been. There isn’t a single good thing that could come from admitting she can’t stop thinking about her friend masturbating.

“You would tell me if I did?” Christen asks, her voice unsure.

“I promise, but I mean it, Chris. Never. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Silence falls between them again and Tobin wishes she could just leave it there. Wishes she could just roll over and go to sleep, but things feel weird and heavy and she doesn’t want to fall asleep like this. She doesn’t want Christen to fall asleep thinking there’s anything wrong at all.

“It must be hard though…” Tobin starts and suddenly her mind is throwing up huge neon signs telling her to stop, cease, turn around and not continue speaking. “Whilst we’re travelling like this.”

Tobin wants to strangle herself, or possible drown herself in the tiny hotel bathtub.

“It’s pretty easy when your roommate sleeps as heavy as you do.”

Tobin sucks in a breath, her whole body going taught at the implication. She was barely hanging on at the thought of Christen touching herself in general but knowing she might have done it inches away from her… Tobin’s pretty sure she’s about to start hyperventilating.

Shit.” Christen curses sharply and Tobin hears her duvet falling as she sits upright. “That was really inappropriate. Shit, Tobin, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I was even trying to be funny, I’m terrible at it. I didn’t ever think-“

“Chris, Christen-“ Tobin tries to interrupt again, but the other woman just keeps going. Her apologies are spilling faster and faster, but the second Christen starts calling herself an idiot, Tobin is swinging her legs out of bed.

From the gasp Christen lets out, Tobin’s pretty sure she hadn’t noticed her getting out of bed until she was leaning down and cupping her hand over her mouth.

“You were rambling.”

“Msrry.” Tobin feels Christen’s lips moving against her palm and it’s not making the situation any better.

“Stop apologising.” Slowly, Tobin pulls her hand away. “I wasn’t uncomfortable.”

“I heard you gasp, Tobin.” She replies miserably.

Tobin doesn’t have an answer to that. “I mean it, Chris. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Despite her agreeing, Tobin doesn’t think Christen sounds like she believes her. She isn’t sure what to do now though. Their faces are slightly too close together and Tobin’s body is twisting at what is proving to be an uncomfortable angle.

“Are you going back to bed?” Even though she's smiling, Tobin can hear waiver in Christen's voice. She has to make the situation better.

“I don’t know. Maybe Kelley was right and the second I turn my back, you’ll be off.” She jokes and she’s pleased to see a dark blush flush across Christen’s cheeks.

“Tobin!”

Fingers suddenly dance along her ribs and Tobin tries desperately to twist away. Christen just follows her though, laughing beautifully at the reaction as she pulls her backwards onto her bed.

“Stop- oh my gosh- Christen, don’t make me stop you.”

It’s not particularly fair of her, but Tobin knows she can easily overpower Christen. She’s spent long enough admiring those small, delicate wrists and opened enough bottles of water for her to know that’s not where Christen strength lies.

She grabs at Christen’s hands and pushes at them until they’re both falling onto the bed again.

“Ooof.”

The room is suddenly quiet. Only the sound of their joint panting breaking through the silence. Tobin thinks it could be somewhat comical, her body landing on top of Christen, her hands pinning Christen’s wrists to the mattress. But she can feel her stomach pressing against Christen’s with every exhale, she can feel the heat of her body underneath her… So, it would be comical if it wasn’t turning Tobin on so much.

The warmth of Christen’s breath flutters across her face, the mint of her toothpaste mixing with the subtle strawberry scent of her lip balm perfectly. It's almost dizzying to be so close to her face and Tobin lets her body relax down on top of her. She feels Christen flex her wrist beneath her hands, as if testing the resistance, and her eyes only seem to darken when she realises Tobin has her held firm, her breath audibly hitching.

“I can’t-“ Christen stops, and Tobin watches her swallow back her apparent anxiety. Her lips are quivering and Tobin’s sure she just felt her hips subtly roll against her own.

“Can’t what, Chris?” She whispers back.

“I can’t-“ She closes her eyes briefly, and when she opens them again, Tobin can see the challenge in them. “I can’t touch myself if you’re holding my wrists like that.”

Tobin barely stops herself from moaning. She’s certain it’s meant as a joke. A joke that would be a lot more convincing if Christen’s gaze hadn’t darkened at her own suggestion.

With Christen heavy eyes looking at her own, Tobin loosens her grip on one of Christen’s wrists before slowly dragging her hand away.

“Is one enough?”

Her mind is running at a hundred miles an hour and at the same time is completely frozen. This hadn’t been her intent.

Christen nods.

Their eyes stay locked together as Christen deliberately moves her hand to her mouth, sucking her fingers briefly to wet them before pushing them down between their bodies. Tobin can feel her hand slipping between them until its sliding into the waistband of Christen's sleep shorts.

Fuck.” Christen whispers, visibly swallowing afterwards.

Tobin can feel the movements of her hand between them. The subtle circling of fingers under the fabric.

Slowly, Tobin lets her free hand follow the same path Christen’s just took. She stops at the thin band of Christen’s shorts and watches her finger skirting just under the elastic. She doesn’t have to say anything for Christen to get the message, and a soft “yes” comes tumbling from her lips.

Her hand pushes down, pulling the fabric of her shorts down with them until she's cupping her hand over Christen’s, groaning at the feeling. There isn’t a single pause in Christen’s movements. If anything, Tobin thinks she might have sped up. She rests her hand there for a moment, just feeling the way Christen is touching herself.

Their eyes meet again and Tobin wonders if her eyes have gone as dark as Christen’s have. She tightens her grip on Christen’s wrist and marvels at the way her mouth falls open at the reminder of her restraint.

“What do you need?” Tobin barely recognises the sound of her own voice. It’s deeper than usual, crackling with need.

“Inside- I want- Ah!” Without letting Christen finish Tobin moves past the circling of Christen’s hand. She slips a finger through her drenched folds and doesn’t hesitate to push into her waiting entrance.

“Fuck. Chris.” Tobin has so much she wants to say.

You’re so wet.

I’ve thought about this so much.

I want to taste you.

But all she can do is moan at the wetness that’s coating her finger. It’s practically spilling out of Christen, leaving no resistance for Tobin to start gently sliding her finger in and out in what she hopes is a satisfactory pattern. She starts to curl her finger, just slightly and it must have been the right thing to do because Christen’s eyes practically roll back into her head as the filthiest moan Tobin’s ever heard spills past her lips.

Tobin can’t believe it’s happening, she can’t believe her finger is inside of Christen, pulling those sounds out of her. “Fuck, we’re having sex.” It’s not the most eloquent she’s ever been, but Christen’s back arches up when she says it anyway.

“I know… I…” Christen pauses to moan as Tobin curls her finger again. “More. Tobin, I need more.”

Tobin slides another finger inside with ease.

More.”

The request makes Tobin pulse in a way that makes her think she’s dangerously close to coming herself. She does as she’s asked though, and she’s greeted with another spine tingling moan from Christen as three of her fingers slip inside her. It doesn't seem possible, but Tobin's sure Christen is getting wetter, she can feel it pooling on her palm, she can hear it as she moves. She wishes then that she had dragged Christen's shorts off completely, because she can only just hear the soft slick noise of her fingers working inside of her and she wants more.

She wants to watch her fingers disappearing inside, she wants to hear them, she wants her senses to be entirely overwhelmed by all of Christen.

“I can’t wait to feel you come.” Tobin whispers as she purposefully curls all three fingers upwards, searching for the spot that will make Christen unravel completely. Christen’s hips practically fly off the bed in response and Tobin can’t stop the smug feeling she knows must be showing on her face. Found it.

Christen’s walls start to get impossibly tighter, her movements becoming more desperate and suddenly Tobin has no choice but to stop the movement of her fingers. There's a sudden gasp from underneath her as Christen's chest arches up from the bed and her walls clamp down on Tobin's fingers. Her whole body starts shake and her deep moans change into small gasps as she starts to pulse around Tobin’s fingers.

Fuck.”

Tobin isn’t sure who says it. It could have been either of them, or maybe even both.

She shifts her hand that had been holding onto Christen’s wrist so their fingers can intertwine and Christen clings to her as her body continues to shake. Tiny shots of electricity pulse between Tobin's own legs at the sight of Christen's face as it creases with pleasure. She wants to kiss her. To capture each of her moans in her mouth as she draws out her orgasm. She can't though, not until Christen can consent to it properly.

When Christen’s fingers slow to a stop, Tobin waits a few moments before she gently pulls her hand back. She can feel Christen’s wetness coating her fingers and the desire to taste her proves too much. She takes two of them into her mouth, humming around the taste of Christen. Her mind is just starting to drift to the prospect of moving between Christen’s legs to get a taste straight from the source when Christen pulls on her wrist. Tobin’s fingers slip out and she’s about to protest that she wasn’t quite finished when Christen’s takes the finger still coated in her own arousal between her own lips.

The sight of it combined with the feeling of Christen’s tongue sliding up her digit makes Tobin’s hips buck forwards, her body desperate for friction. A soft groan leaves her throat when Christen starts sucking on her other two fingers, her tongue cleaning away any trace of herself.

Tobin doesn't know what to say, so she's more than a little ashamed when her mouth speaks before her mind can catch up. "Woah."

Christen laughs gently, pulling away from Tobin's fingers. "Yeah, woah."

“Are you okay?” Tobin asks, unsure of where they go now.

Christen nods, her head sinking back into the pillow. There’s a look of complete bliss on her face, her eyes clearly struggling to find their focus.

“I should…“ Tobin points towards her bed and gently moves off Christen’s body.

Her legs feel like jelly and she stumbles slightly as she tries to get them to cooperate. When her underwear shifts slightly, Tobin can feel the slick that’s gathered between her legs.

“Actually, I need to- I’m a bit-“ She indicates vaguely between her legs.

“Tobin.”

“Yeah?” She swallows nervously.

“Show me…” Christen sits up, her finger hooking into the front of Tobin’s shorts. “Show me how you do it.”

“How I do it?” Tobin doesn’t understand the request, her brain not quite clearing from its Christen induced haze until Christen bites at her lips. “Oh. Yeah, yeah I think that would only be fair.”

There’s a heat creeping up Tobin’s neck again, but this time it has nothing to do with embarrassment.