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Superman: The Life Returns

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SUPERMAN: THE LIFE RETURNS

SUPERMAN... MICHAEL CERA

LOIS LANE... ASIA ARGENTO

DYLAN MINNETTE - PLAYED BY HIMSELF

SPIDERMAN... SEAN PENN

BRAINIAC... BENNY SAFDIE

NEIL LABUTE - PLAYED BY HIMSELF

 

INT. MENTAL INSTITUTION

DOCTOR: Clark Kent. Diagnosed sociopath. Drug dealer. Enemy of the people. Leader of the socialist workers party. Crazy-ass motherfucker. Confirmed furry. He has been involved in major arson cases and piracy of self-employed artists' work. He also bombed the Israeli embassy. This man is dangerous beyond all belief. He is not a hero but a madman bent only on self-destruction and cooming. Sir, you have gone mad if you think this dude is anything but a danger and a liability.

CIA DIRECTOR: Be that as it may, Dr, Goldstein. He is the only hope for humanity. The only one that can defend against brainiac and his army of magical girls.

DOCTOR: But what about the free market? Do you care not for the soul of our nation??

CIA DIRECTOR: THE ONLY THING I WANT IS TO ABOLISH SISSY HYPNO SO OUR BOYS WILL NO LONGER TURN THEMSELVES INTO FEMBOYS AND MAGICAL GIRLS!

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

SUPERMAN (soliloquy): The best thing about mediocre colleges like this is that you can just attend protests instead of studying. Tons of chicks to score from. God, I love manipulating women. It is so poggers. All I need to do is quote Foucault and the bitchez open their legs. Thanks, Obama. 

SUPERMAN then pops to the concession stand to get a hot dog. He scans the area with his super vision to look for un-deflowered bitches but alas, he is shocked - no virgin bitches to be found.

SUPERMAN (yelling): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SWP GENERAL SECRETARY ON THE PHONE: Yo shut the up bitch. You missed a fundraising deadline and now I am super mad and hrony. Please come and fuck me in the ass.

Trotskyist sex ensues.

Cut to Superman having sex with the secretary who is now revealed to be a body pillow of a loli anime character.

Superman nuts in the secretary.

INT. BRAINIAC's SHIP

BRAINIAC: I am going to destroy the earth with my techno-powers! I am so mad that humans are polluting the earth - particularly China and Indonesia. What the fuck is up with those guys?

BRAINIAC then fights off rogue polar bears.

We see the ship approaching Earth.

INT. THE MOMA

CIA DIRECTOR: We need to find superman!

Genetically engineered butterflies crash into the freakin' building.

CIA DIRECTOR: What the fuck!

Superman walks in but he doesn't fly because he can't fly but he lasers the butterflies to death.

CIA DIRECTOR: Superman! Big fan of your work but Brainiac - an alien eco-terrorist - wants to destroy the Earth itself!

SUPERMAN: Why is that my problem?

CIA DIRECTOR: No Earth means no more underage pussy!

SUPERMAN: Gonna have to try harder than that. Gotta go, my dude. I have micro-LSD dosing to do with my gay best friend.

Superman then goes on twitter moments after having saved people from near death.

SUPERMAN (twitter): You know what sucks? Men are more broke than ever! Think of the poor women who have less dating choices! Think of the poor journalists! #womenhaveitharder #middleclassfemalesneedmoredickandsomehowitsyourfault

Superman then eats some rare steak and caviar and other rich people shit.

SUPERMAN goes to an SWP meeting.

SECRETARY: We're outta money!

SUPERMAN: Dudes, Capitalism = gay.

Everyone claps.

SUPERMAN then retreats to the fortress of solitude - otherwise known as his goon cave.

But then he has to fight Ronad McDonad.

And then Mega Man.

After jacking off a bunch, Spiderman comes in.

SPIDERMAN: BRUHH U A HEATHENN

Judgemental Cunt from Sppedin' Bullet 2 Heaven plays

The two get in a fist fight.

SUPERMAN: WHAT DO YOU WANT????

SPIDERMAN: CONTROL OF THE ZEITGEIST AND NO MORE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE

Spiderman manages to get away on his hover-bike.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere entirely different, Mako Mankanshoku came out as non-binary and entered into a romance with Ryuko Matoi. Mako now goes by Zie/Zir pronouns and all that shit. This will be relevant later.

 

SUPERMAN and the alien only known as TOUHOU PROJECT investigate SPIDERMAN'S CULT.

 

SUPERMAN: WOOOOOOAH! HE'S GOT A BUNCH OF FAAAAAT CHIIIIIIIIIICKS! P P P POGGERS!

TOUHOU: Jeez, that's fucked up.

 

SUPERMAN THEN HAS SEX WITH A FATTENED GENETICALLY MODIFIED OBESE COW SLAVE GIRL AND IT IS VERY HOT.

SUPERMAN: OH SHIT HOW WILL I EXPLAIN THIS TO LOIS LANE! OH WAIT I JUST WON'T!

LOIS LANE PHONES SUPERMAN

LOIS LANE: YO SUPERMAN I AM AT THE SOUP KITCHEN RIGHT NOW AS I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHAT THE FUCK IS CRACKING WANNA PLAY SOME TONY HAWK?

SUPERMAN: Whatever, bitch.

 

SPIDERMAN THEN TURNS UP

SPIDERMAN: You think I wouldn't notice what happens in my sexy BBW sex dungeon lair?

SPIDERMAN then kills Dylan Minnette and Neil LaBute to prove how evil he is.

SPIDERMAN: Also, I'm Christian.

SUPERMAN: My brain hurts.

TOUHOU: MINE ALSO HURTS! OUCHIE!!!!!!!!

SPIDERMAN: IT IS MY BRAINWAVE FOOLS!!!!!

 

And then iron man came in and was all liek fuck you fools

 

SPIDERMAN thern killed iron man but iron man came back and they fought ouutta the room

TOUHOU: we gott af ree these firls 

SPIDERMAN: noi

 

BRAINIAC lands and vaporises LOIS LANE because he hates the unemployed.

 

SUPERMAN: FUCK!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SEX CUM OBJECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CIA DIRECTOR: Goddamnit, Superman! Brainiac is targeting everyone you love! This is cuked up!

SUPERMAN: As longas he doesn't get my parents, I am fine.

 

BRAINIAC THEN GOT SUPERMAN's PARENTS.

 

SUPERMAN: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SUPERMAN THEN PUNCHES A HOLE IN A PASSER BY'S GULLET AND THEN EATS HIS FUCKING LIVER. HE THEN WHIPS OUT THE BRAIN AND TOASTS IT WITH HSI LASER VISION AND EATS IT.

SUPERMAN THEN RIPS A DUDE IN HALF AND THEN RIUPS A GIRL IN HALF CAUSE HE@S FEMINIST LIKE THAT.

THEN HE FUCKIN TAKES A TAXI TO BRAINIAC'S SHIP CAUSE HE CAN'T FLY

 

Superman then marvelled at the fuckin spaceship.


"Fuck you brianiac!" he said gayly

 

GODDAMNIT brainiac u killed my aprents and now u will die gorily.

 

suddently Ryuko and Mako stepped out inf ront of superman and was all like wait hold on if we jsut implement sensible envionermental legislation we can stop brianiac cause he's got a point and shit and then they smiled at each toehr deamily because they were ture lovers.

 

ADN THEN SUPERMAN SKULLFUCKED THEIR BRAINS.

 

I aso raped ur parents superman said Brainaic Thus jsutifying the use of the non consensual tag

Phew said superman for a second I thought there woudl be false avdertising 

 

Then Touhou Project the alien tried to ambush brianisc but he died

 

Superman got really amd cause tiuhout has his drug dealer and then with the pwoer of getting really angry he vaporises brianiac

 

at this poiint a white light envelips hima dn he is transported to anime heaven but mako who is still non binary tesitifies against superman and sends him toa nime hell where he only gets to fuck aniem satan and if ur noti nto milf shit then it sucks.

 

THE END