Oh, summary, summary, summary. Are you honestly asking if I had adventures as a kid? I-- wha-- but-- I-- Of course I did!
Gather 'round, Mr.-or-Ms. Internet At Large, as well as children, The Cheats, and other small creatures. Unca Strong Bad is going to tell you a story! A story from back when I was a child! Oh yes! I was not always the super awesome, super amazing, super cool bastion of super manliness that I am today! Once upon a time, I was a super awesome, super amazing, super cool bastion of super... kid...li...ness.
So there I was, super cool kid that I was. "But Unca Strong Bad," you might ask, "When you were a child, did you still have that wonderfully fashionable mask and boxing gloves?" And the answer, of course, would be YES!!! (Of course, they were not the same mask and boxing gloves that everyone knows and loves today. They were in super junior sizes, for extra junior fashion!)
Where was I? Oh yes! My story! So there I was, a miniature version of myself, and I decided it was time for an adventure. Not that it takes too much effort to make an adventure happen. When you're as cool as I am, it just comes naturally. So I set off to adventure! My first stop was to the not-yet-settled region that would one day become the great nation of Strong Badia. It wasn't much to look at, back in those days. Aside from a certain stick, it was all covered with plants and greenery and some little blue flowers whose name nobody ever remembers. Sadly, in this state, it was not a stronghold for adventure. Unless maybe you were a chipmunk. Or a... bird or something. Probably a bee, because they really like flowers. But all those guys have really low standards. So I had to move on.
When a young strapping lad such as myself is out for adventure, he's a very good target for attempted lackies and hangers-ons. Unsolicited ones, of course. When you actually want lackies and hangers-ons, you recruit for them. It is a definite 'don't call us, we'll call you' situation. Unfortunately, at that time, that memo had not yet been received by my then-even-younger younger brother Strong Sad. You see, just as my super awesome, super amazing, super cool self manifested early, so did his super... Strong Sad-ness. You know what I mean. I mean, just look at the guy! Who wants to hang out with that guy? Especially since at the time, he was wearing diapers. And believe you me, diapers and adventure really do not mix.
But I was as clever then as I am now, and I did not just kick my brother in the face and tell him to go away. I told him that we would play a game! I told him that we would play hide and seek. I would close my eyes and count to eleventy thrillion and he would go and hide, and I would go and find him. You know how the game goes. He was up for that plan and ran off to hide as I started pretending to count. Once he was out of range, I stopped and continued on my hunt for adventure! I knew he would think he just found a really good hiding place. So he wouldn't bother me for a while. I figured maybe I'd track him down in a week or so playing word games with himself in a closet.
Still, the entire incident did make me think that I might end up needing some muscle. Always good to have on an adventure, after all. And even back then, there was one go to guy to use when you needed some muscle. That's right, my very own big brother, Strong Mad. I had a feeling where he was hanging out, too. There was this cool pile of rocks over by the sportsball fields. And to nobody's surprise, the big guy was there! Of course, he looked kind of preoccupied. You know, smashing his head over and over against the biggest rocks, and all. And even back then, the rocks were probably getting more damaged than his head. I decided that in this case, maybe interrupting wouldn't have been the best idea. He was having fun and all. If I really needed muscle, it wasn't like I didn't know where I could lure unsuspecting victims to.
Of course, there was something of a tactical error in going over there. Because if you're anywhere in the vicinity of sports, you are going to find Homestar. And yes, just like my suave debonairness and Strong Sad's miasma of patheticness and Strong Mad's... thick skull... haven't changed, neither has Homestar's, well, indescribable Homestrosity. So as I was leaving the general vicinity of the rock pile, who would run by but the guy who actually has Runner in his name. Bit on the nose, yeah, but what are you gonna do? And of course I was never going to be lucky enough for him not to notice me. So he stopped running and started up with his "Hey, Stwong Bad"-ing. And you know what that sounds like now? Imagine what it was like when the guy hadn't hit puberty yet! I was quick to tell him that I did not have time to talk because adventure awaited. For some reason he took that as his cue to invite himself along! The nerve, right?
But still, I was clever. And I knew how to get rid of him, too. So I told him that the adventure was to find where Strong Sad was hiding. And of course we'd have a better chance if we split up. I suggested to him that maybe he should look over by the Poopsmith. And look very carefully, because he could be hiding anywhere over there! The best part was that not only did he do it, he was enthusiastic about what a great idea it was! I mean wow! He ran off at full speed, leaving me very pleased with myself. And still looking for adventure.
And then I figured out exactly what I was going to do! And I just needed a bowling ball, a bucket of applesauce, a rope, and some garden shears. Assistant Coach Z wouldn't even know what hit him!
So I went off to gather my supplies when tragedy struck.
Homestar actually came back. And he was actually bringing Strong Sad along with him. Not just Strong Sad, either. Strong Sad and one of the worst smells you can possibly imagine. Turns out that he actually had been hiding in the Poopsmith's pile of crap (and I do mean that literally).
My priorities immediately changed to finding a garden hose. (I did, however, keep the plans on reserve for future reference. And when the time to reference it came around, it was really really REALLY sweet. But that's another adventure to get into later.) I managed to find one and thoroughly hosed down Strong Sad and Homestar (who was actually still carrying the kid. Gotta hand it to him, I wouldn't be stup-- er, helpful enough to do that!). Strong Sad started whining, but it's not like that came as a surprise. Then or now. It's just that then, there were no internet blogging sites that he could use to share that whining. So really, no harm done.
So there you have it, The Internet At Large! A bona fide adventure! Complete with a motley cast of characters, a sly and crafty protagonist, and a denouement that involved a literal pile of crap. It's clearly follows the formula of about 92.7% of best sellers these days! I'll take it!