"The story of Fate/Zero has been described as 'intense', 'a masterpiece', and 'really gay'. For the sake of brevity, we'll only be discussing the last one tonight." Issei shakes his head, standing on an otherwise empty stage. "I'll be your host tonight as we get to the very bottom of what Pixiv artists have been enjoying in great droves. Some call them the uke, some argue bitterly about the term and try to murder anyone who calls them the uke, but we're ranking live on television, unedited, the Most Likely To in terms of bottoming for Fate/Zero."
He glances only briefly at a slip of paper in his hands. "Number ten, bottoming only in the rarest of gag panels. The pinnacle of strength and endurance, the example to all others that you will never be this much of a man. Please welcome Rider, Iskander the Great, to the stage."
Amidst applause, Rider makes his entrance sans chariot. He begins to say something, probably a loud declaration of said manliness, then stops. "...Gag panels?" he asks instead.
Issei sighs. "Jokes. The unlikeliness of you bottoming to anyone is so massive that it's funny, in other words. I just won't mention that you've been in two pictures or so that weren't jokes," he adds in a mumble, then continues more loudly before Rider can possibly say anything. "Number nine, bottoming only once in a blue moon to Kotomine. The series' quintessential badass with a gun, Emiya Kiritsugu!"
More applause, particularly from Irisviel in the audience, as Kiritsugu walks on stage, already smoking. He stands next to Rider, managing to completely ignore a gigantic man right next to him. It's quite possible he's ignoring Issei and everyone in the audience as well.
"...No complaints? Alright, I'll go on." Issei clears his throat. "Number eight, bottoming occasionally to Gilgamesh. Number seven, bottoming slightly more often to Kotomine. And there was that one threesome fanart where I don't remember who was doing what. Please welcome to the stage Kotomine Kirei and Archer, Gilgamesh."
Kotomine is silent when he makes an entrance, eyes focused on Kiritsugu. Kiritsugu watches him warily. Much more noticeably than this exchange, Gilgamesh is already complaining. "More passive than Kotomine? Have you even looked at the man? And why were we called out together? You minor character-"
Issei winces at that low blow. "Listen, you overblown fan favorite, I have a projector and permission to use it," he hisses. "Don't think any of your het will save you. This is a program aired at one in the morning and a well-placed blur will get us past the censorship laws."
"At least I have-"
"Number six!" Issei glares at Gilgamesh before continuing. "Bottoming to Lancer on some occasions and completely whipped by his fiancée. Do not welcome to the stage, as he does not deserve it, Kayneth Archibald El-Melloi."
There are still a few polite claps as Kayneth wheels himself onto the stage next to Gilgamesh. He scowls at Issei, then at Kiritsugu. Neither acknowledge him.
"Number five. Bottoming to Caster... and to various tentacle monsters, making him difficult to place in the ranking. There's also the fact that he enjoys it... And I'm fairly sure I saw some asphyxiation with him the other day? Hm, I should get on with it. Uryuu Ryuunosuke."
Ryuunosuke practically skips to his place next to Kayneth and waves to the audience. "Um, hey, host? Host, how come Caster's not in this lineup?"
Issei winces. "Because you're the only person who wants to think of Caster having sex for more than two seconds. He doesn't even get the gag panels."
"Awww." Ryuunosuke pouts.
"M...moving on." After Issei's done making a face: "Number four, perhaps an unexpected twist? Bottoming to Gilgamesh and Kotomine, and occasionally Kariya, a magus with class. It's probably the fancy dress or the bow or... Well, I don't know, but Tohsaka Tokiomi has this place in the countdown!"
Tokiomi carries himself with dignity to his spot next to Ryuunosuke. The serial killer starts trying to make conversation with him ("It's probably the red! Not a lot of people can pull off red like that, no wonder-"), but is totally ignored.
"Appropriately enough, we now have for number three someone with a close connection to Tohsaka Tokiomi. Bottoming to Berserker, Kotomine, Tokiomi, and I swear there was a picture with Ryuunosuke once, please welcome Matou Kariya. ...Sir, do you need any help?"
Kariya shakes his head, still limping towards Tokiomi. "I'm fine." It takes him a long time, but eventually he manages to reach him, and by that time Tokiomi is well prepared to knock his hand away when he tries to claw at him. Kariya shakes and trembles, and-
"Ughhh. Live television has its downsides." Issei sighs, as uniformed men come to pick Kariya off the floor out of the puddle of blood he's made. "Please don't worry, he'll be fine, our nursing staff is excellent. Now, number two in the countdown. A man more beautiful than any of the actual women in this show. You've no doubt heard of his nobility as well as his terrible luck, the luck that seems to have played a part in him being topped by his Master frequently, and his Master's fiancée, and Saber. Welcome Lancer, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, to the stage!"
Hanging his head, Lancer appears next to the spot where Kariya would have stood, now marked by a splot of blood. He briefly glances at Kayneth, then immediately winces and hangs his head again when he sees that venomous glare.
"And lastly, for the winner or loser of this competition, the name I have in my hand.." Issei dramatically unfolds the slip of paper. "That name of that poor soul is-"
"It's Waver." Rider says this with a yawn.
"...yes. It's Waver Velvet." Issei briefly narrows his eyes at him. "You ruined my lead-in to the most important placing, Rider."
"Everyone knew that anyway." A giant shrug, as Waver timidly pokes his head in from offscreen on the other side of the stage. "You're popular, boy."
"I don't want to be popular..." Waver almost whines. "This is embarrassing..."
"It's embarrassing just being the announcer for this, apparently I'm an expert!" Issei snaps. "My contract just says I have to announce everyone, I'm leaving, the rest of you should too. Someone turn the camera off!"