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“You want me to what?”

“Have I been unclear, Doctor?”

McCoy blinked, then rubbed at his eyes with thumb and forefinger. Honestly, the things he had to deal with. “And what made you think I'd be the person to ask for 'advice on courting a human'?” His lip curled sarcastically at the phrase

Spock remained unfazed. “Should I have asked the Captain?”

McCoy blinked again, then slowly shook his head. Considering that Spock was probably intending to use what he learned on the Captain, that would be a big no-no. That, or Jim would just tell Spock to jump him.

Honestly. He knew all about the 'legendary friendship' they were supposed to have, but to have to help his two friends get it on was a little much. He himself had eyes for the Vulcan, but the CSO seemed to be interested only in the Captain. Discussion, chess matches, long talks in their quarters. All the while, he only had the occasional (fine, pretty frequent) screaming match with the hobgoblin.

Still. It would be good to see Spock happy for a change.

“Fine, I'll help you.”

“Would now be an appropriate time?”

“Now? I guess.” A sigh. “All right, I'll tell you the basics, and what you do with them is your business. Fine?”

“That is agreeable.”

“Great.”

*~*

Lesson #1: Make sure your existence is noted - Achieved previously and with favourable outcome.

“Who is that pointy-eared bastard?”

“I don't know. But I like him.”

Lesson #2: Attempt spending an increased amount of time with the intended. Preferably, in the presence of a third party at the beginning of the courting process.

“Doctor, may I join you for the meal?”

“Sure thing, Spock. Move over, Jim.”

*~*

“Doctor, would you be agreeable to joining the Captain and I in his quarters?”

“What for?”

“Socializing, Doctor.”

“Aw, what the Hell? I'll even bring the booze.”

Lesson #3: Attempt to discover the so called 'likes and dislikes'. Respect them.

“What the Hell is that?”

“It is from an old Earthen opera titled Carmen. Do you enjoy it?”

“Eh, not really. I'm more of a jazz person myself.” A smirk. “But it's probably too wild for you, huh?”

“I have not yet listened to jazz music, thus I have no opinion on the topic.”

“That right? Come over after a shift sometime, I'll lend you some of my favourites”

“Agreed, Doctor.”

*~*

“Doctor, do you find the cuisine disagreeable?”

“I hate broccoli.”

“It is extremely healthy.”

“I know, but even the smell is disgusting. At least it's not cauliflower. I might throw up on you then.”

“I understand.”

“Where are you going?”

“If the smell bothers you, I will-”

“Good God, man, I never told you to leave!”

“I am simply going to exchange the meal for something more agreeable to my companion. Will Plomeek soup be alright?”

“Spock, if you want to eat the damn things, eat them!”

“I thou-”

“How about this? You annoy me with that smell, and I'll annoy you with a big juicy steak. Sounds fair?”

“Illogically so.”

“Great. I'll be right back, and you dig in.”

*~*

“Doctor?”

“Yeah?”

“The Captain has lent me a movie-vid that he claims is extremely favourable to your preferences.”

“Did he?”

“Yes. Would you be willing to view it with me?”

“Will Jim be there?”

“The Captain has informed me he is otherwise engaged.”

“Oh really? Show me the damn thing.” ... “I'll kill that brat.”

“Doctor?”

“I hate this movie! It sucks so bad it may as well be a black hole!”

“I.. see. I will return it then.”

“Don't bother, that bastard is probably balls-deep in his alibi right now. 'Previously engaged', my ass.”

“I apologise for the inconvenience then.”

“Aw, screw him. C'mon, I'll introduce you to what a good movie is about.”

Lesson #4: Attempt being supportive and comforting when need be.

“Doctor?”

“Spock, I'm not in the mood for you right now.”

“...I have heard about what happened with Ensign Anderson.”

“And? You want the goddamn report or something?!”

A warm hand on his shoulder. “I grieve with thee.”

A long exhale. “Thank you, Spock.”

*~*

“No, Mr. First Officer, Sir. I have not yet finished the bi-monthly crew evaluations, Sir. May I please spend all my time off shift working on them, so that your perfect reputation of doing everything on time isn't tarnished?! Sir.”

“Illogical. As you are human, you need eight-hours of sleep per Earth day. Denying you rest would only be disadvantageous to your performance and personal health.”

“Oh, really? Gee, I didn't know that.”

“That is worrisome, considering that as the CMO you should be aware of such details.”

Teeth gritting. “Look, Spock. There is no way I'm finishing this on time without not working through the night, sleep be damned!”

“Negative, as I will be assisting you.”

“You... what?”

“I will assist you in the filling of the reports, thus the task should be completed with enough time for you to rest.”

“You're serious? I don't need help!”

“Illogical, as your previous words clearly indicate assistance would be preferable to your health.”

“God damn you, fine! But I don't owe you anything, got it?”

“Ah. I had hoped for a repeat of what Jim has named 'our movie-night', but if you are certain.”

“You green-blooded tease, you. A movie I can do.” ... “And thank you, you pointy-eared nuisance.”

“You're welcome, Doctor.”

*~*

“So, you just come here to stare at the stars?”

“Affirmative.”

“And you thought I'd like it why? You know I hate space.”

“I am aware, however I do not look at the space. I look ahead and allow the stars to blur slightly in my line of vision.”

“Huh.”

“I find it quite calming.”

“Oddly enough, it is.”

Lesson #5: Attempt establishing of mutually satisfying activities in the company of only the intended.

“Movie-night, Mr. Spock? My quarters?”

“Agreeable, Doctor.”

“Great.”

*~*

“Doctor? As you have no interest in chess, may I propose a game of cards?”

“Sure, why not?”

*~*

“Would you be willing to join me in the observation deck tonight?”

“Looking at blurred stars again?”

“And discussing various topics.”

“I'll be there.”

Lesson #6: Maintain normal characteristics of your behaviour while interacting with the intended.

“You're an insufferable bastard, you know that?!”

“I should inform you my parents had been married for a number of years before my conception.”

“You know what I mean, you green-blooded wise-ass!”

Lesson #7: Bring gifts. Practical gifts are not a necessity.

“Doctor?”

“In here, Spock.”

“Please accept this.”

“Romulan Ale? Why, Mr. Spock. This is illegal, you know.”

“I am aware, however I am also aware that you find this beverage most agreeable.”

“Thanks. And it's not even my birthday.”

“I am aware.”

“So, what's the occasion?”

“No occasion, unless you would prefer me to return later during one.”

“Far be it from me to say no to a free drink. Sit down, and we'll toast you breaking the law for the first time.”

“Unnecessary.”

“Shut up and drink.”

*~*

The Miracle of the Red Sand.” A pause. “You got me a book about Vulcan?”

“It is an adventure novel, loosely based on the life of Surak.”

“And one of you pointy-ears wrote this?”

“Negative. The author is a human. In the afterword he claims to have been fascinated with Vulcan culture since adolescence.”

“Huh. Thanks, Spock. I'll be sure to read it this week, then we can discuss it on the observation deck.”

“You're welcome, Doctor.”

*~*

“Another gift?”

“I was informed that is expected of our association.”

“Yeah, well.”

“Should I desist?”

“Nah, if you want to I'm not gonna stop you.” A sly grin. “Besides, I already got you a gift back.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Come by after the shift. I'll give it to you before tonight's movie.”

“Understood, Doctor.”

Lesson #8: Propose an outing with romantic intent. Inform the intended on your interest in a sexual relationship.

“That was fun.”

“I am content you have enjoyed yourself.”

“Content? You're practically maudlin tonight.”

“I apologise.”

“Eh, no need. It's good to let your hair down from time to time, and that's a figure of speech, before you can ask.”

“Ah.”

“But I really gotta say, best shore-leave I've had this year.”

“I am glad then.”

“Well, goodnight Spock.”

“Leonard?”

“Yes?”

“I believe the proper ending to a 'good date' is a 'goodnight-kiss'.”

“A da-mmph!”

“Was that agreeable, Leonard?”

“...yeah. Yeah. You were never interested in Jim, were you?”

“An illogical notion.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“I must confess I would prefer our time together to not end as of yet. Would you be willing to come inside for an alcoholic beverage and preferably sexual intercourse?”

A stare.

“I apologise if I am 'moving too fast', as Nyota would say.”

“No! I mean, no. It's fine. I won't say no to a glass, and we'll see about the... sex. How's that sound?”

“Agreeable.”

“Awesome.”