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Letter From A Messed Up Place

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It should have been a simple trip back home to see her family; one trip of many. So why did it suddenly go horribly wrong like it did? There was only one answer really: the Doctor.

Not that he intentionally sabotaged Donna’s Christmas shopping. It just… sort of… happened. Through no fault of his own. He was most adamant.

Still, it was with a sinking heart that Donna opened and read the following letter that had been delivered to her mum’s house.


Dear Ms D. Noble,

We are writing to you to bring to your attention the recent behaviour of your husband, who normally refers to himself as the Doctor. It is with deepest regret that we have enforced a ban upon you and your husband coming into our Tesco Chiswick Extra store again. Our staff have tried very hard to remain patient, but unfortunately there is a limit to everything.

In particular we would like to mention the following incidents:

  1. 15th June- he took bunches of bananas and put them in random people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
  2. 2nd July – he placed all the alarm clocks face down and turned the wall clocks around because he claimed time is relative, so they are not worth looking at.
  3. 7th July – he walked up to a member of our staff, told her in a very authoritative manner, “Do not blink; blink and you’re dead.” Said member of staff lost pay by being sent home after being traumatised by the incident.
  4. 4th August – he went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Jelly Babies for every week of the coming year.
  5. 14th August – turned off all the televisions on display, saying he had no intention of feeding them.
  6. 23rd August – kept shouting in the home and kitchen department, “Move the sink plungers away from the whisks!”
  7. 4th September – looked right into a security camera and gave a speech about time being wibbly wobbly timey whimey.
  8. 10th September – he went into the toy department and destroyed all the toy guns and replaced them with books. His defence was that they are better weapons.
  9. 3rd October – in our clothing department, he put on a pair of swimming goggles along with a balaclava; and asked every customer he met, “Are you my mummy?”
  10. 18th October – in the garden department he placed all the garden gnomes in a fairy ring configuration, claiming they could do no further harm if they saw each other.
  11. 22nd October – went berserk in the seasonal aisle, shouting at the witches that he knew their names!
  12. 6th November – grabbed hold of our new life-sized Father Christmas figure and declared it was his old mate Jeff before eventually letting go of it.
  13. 12th November – opened and threw several packets of Christmas cards all over the shop floor; claiming he was looking for his psychic paper that someone had hidden.
  14. 20th November – he was caught with a fresh chicken in his pocket. He claimed he was not taking it but merely had it there because he owed Casanova one.
  15. 28th November – he opened up each Christmas star decoration on sale, saying he was hunting for man-eating spiders and would eradicate them.
  16. 2nd December – as soon as each Christmas song finished on the in-store radio channel, he cried out, “My song is ending! I’m going to die!” This distressed several pensioners shopping nearby. One old lady had to be brought a glass of water and a chair to sit on.

Since we have now entered the season of goodwill, may I wish you a very happy shopping experience in Sainbury’s instead; and I have enclosed a £100 Sainsbury voucher for you to use.

Yours sincerely,

I.M. Wilde
Acting Store Manager
Chiswick Tesco Extra

P.S. I have enclosed a Christmas card from Carl, Gary and Phil, our store security guards; who also wish you both all the best for the coming New Year.

Needless to say there was much grovelling on the Doctor’s behalf after reading the letter; and the promise that the £100 would be put to very good use in order to celebrate their upcoming anniversary.

Donna decided that she might get to enjoy Christmas after all!