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Midnight Thoughts and Retrospective

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Something about that night made Chris restless, his sleep was blocked by thoughts that wouldn’t leave his mind and left him truly thinking.

Next to him Phil was sleeping soundly and clearly didn’t have much to worry about.

Getting up slowly and quietly he pulled up the blankets to keep the warmth and grabbed a blanket from the cupboard, slipping out the door of the bedroom and tiptoeing through the house left through the back door to sit on the back porch swing bed.

The night air felt good on his skin and he could hear the sounds of city life off in the distance. The whole atmosphere was calming and it lulled him solely into his mind’s thoughts.

Looking back, his life had definitely not progressed the way he thought it would when he was six. Six years old Chris had wanted nothing more than to ride ponies and draw pictures, though his drawing skills were never quite that good which meant that he’d have to settle for ponies. Then at age 14 he came to an interesting self revelation, one that did clarify a lot but also made things quite confusing – nine brothers and he was the only one that was gay, well when he said that what he meant was strictly that he was only into guys when the rest of them were very diverse in their orientations, just not matching him at all.

From 15 to 18 nothing really happened, apart from a few failed relationships and a dream to be a pilot. Going off to the academy had felt daunting, exciting but daunting.

Chris remembered that as much as he’d loved it the exams had certainly taken a toll, mentally – and in his case a memory he didn’t want to go back to…

Shaking himself from that train of thought he found himself looking up at the night sky, something which had always felt so safe to him. Rising up the ranks had felt – in a way – surreal, before he knew it he was a captain in charge of one of the best ships in the fleet, and highly decorated to boot with what felt like the longest medical history anyone had ever had.

A smile crept onto his face as he kept himself from laughing as some of the more comedic memories came to the surface, like that one time when they’d had sort of impromptu game night on the Enterprise. Or one of the many times he’d ended up in sickbay with some sort of ailment and been chastised by his XO and the man who was now his husband.

First it had simply been a task of mustering up the courage to confess feelings and ask for a date, despite all his confidence Chris had found it a daunting experience. Seeing what his current life situation was, it had worked out alright.

Then dating had been a breeze, a haphazard proposal and onto what was one of the best days of his life – his wedding.
For Chris, what were equally the two best days of his life were when they got Sarah, then Sean. The having kids discussion had been a bit trickier, there were connotations that came with it – like settling down, something that oddly, Chris saw himself doing easily. But they’d done it, and neither one of them regretted it.

He wasn’t sure at first if he’d really be good at it, but sitting outside on a calm night with a family inside he’d do anything for. There was an adorable yet annoying aspect to kids, like their ability to get stuck in places that by all accounts they shouldn’t get stuck in or one time when Sarah had been two and had gotten oddly upset at her eaten food disappearing in the replicator.

***

Chris reckoned he must of dozed off for a bit when he woke to feeling a warm presence, like a body.

“Awake now?” Phil’s voice was soft and gentle against his hair, keeping him awake enough but also remaining in a dreamy state.

“Nope. You’re too comfy and warm.”

“You do know when I woke up and found the bed empty I was scared for a moment?”

“I…no I didn’t, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, just next time leave a note or something, maybe even tell me.”

“Okay.”

They were both silent for a while, simply sitting and enjoying the night which was swiftly edging towards dawn before he heard Phil speak again.

“Why did you come out here?”

“I just had a lot of thoughts in my mind, ones that needed processing somewhere other than inside.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“How we got here, my life to this point and…well everything I guess.”

More silence, in that moment Chris took the opportunity to cuddle closer to Phil, mumbling an ‘I love you’ and reluctantly falling back asleep to the gentle sounds around him.