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My (bastard) Brother, My (bastard) Brother, and Me

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JZX: We’re back with another episode. I am your Sect Leader, Jin Zixuan.

JGY: I am your Sect Deputy, Jin GuangYao.

MXY: And I am your token cutsleeve, Mo XuanYu!

JZX: ...we’ve talked about this, A-Yu.

JGY: Why don’t you stick with ‘youngest disciple’?

MXY: If I’m not open about who I am, then there’s no point. Hiding is no way to live.

JZX: No one’s asking you to hide! It’s just—

JGY: You shouldn’t listen to bad advice.

JZX: Right! We’re not asking you to hide. We’re asking for propriety . You need to stop listening to bad advice from infamous people.

MXY: You can say ‘Yiling Patriarch’. We all know.

JZX: There is a reason the Great Sects renounced him, you know? He’s not someone to be idolized. He is walking a crooked path. YunmengJiang kicked him out.

MXY: Sure, but there’s a reason why Yiling Unsolved retellings sell out in narration halls. He is loved by many!

JGY: Fame does not mean they are right. Hanguang-Jun was kidnapped by the Yiling Patriarch. We can’t condone that.

MXY: They’re in love ! He didn’t kidnap anyone!

JGY: Oh, A-Yu…

JZX: I know you believe those theories, but if Hanguang-Jun truly had affections for the Yiling Patriarch, wouldn’t GusuLan make a statement?

JGY: Hanguang-Jun has always been known to hate Wei Wuxian.

JZX: I was in school with them. I saw their rivalry myself. Hanguang-Jun would never choose to live in the Burial Mounds with that man.

JGY: No one sane lives in the Burial Mounds.

MXY: Whatever. You don’t even listen to Yiling Unsolved. Of course, you don’t know anything. Hey, listeners? Let it be known that I am the only one who supports the Yiling Patriarch in this sect. Hit me up.

JZX: A-Yu!

JGY: Let’s not fight.

MXY: Yeah, let’s move on. I have a question here.

JZX: Go on.

MXY: art-lover-not-a-fighter asks, “I recently bought a painting big enough to span one wall. My brother hates it when I buy art because he thinks it’s useless. How should I sneak the painting in?”

JZX: I think you should listen to your brother. Sell the painting off. That’s too big.

MXY: Boring. Next, please. A-Yao?

JGY: It depends on whether they have accomplices or not.

MXY: There we go! A-Yao, criminal mastermind!

JGY: I’m not .

MXY: If they have one accomplice, what do you think they should do?

JGY: Hide it as something innocuous, something their brother doesn’t think is useless. Putting it with things they value will make them think you are interested in what they like and distract them from your purchase.

MXY: Solid plan, yes.

JZX: They could also just convince their big brother that art is not useless?

MXY: Have you met a big brother? Impossible.

JZX: Hey!

MXY: Big brothers cannot be convinced . You need to lie to them for their own good.

JZX: See, this is what you learn when you listen to the Yiling Patriarch.

MXY: Ugh.

JGY: Don’t act like that towards your honorable sect leader, A-Yu.

MXY: I’m moving into the Burial Mounds.

JZX: They’re not accepting disciples.

JGY: They only kidnap disciples.

MXY: Shoutout to Wei Wuxian! Please kidnap me! I’ll be waiting in—

JZX/JGY: A-Yu!

MXY: You make me feel dead inside, both of you.

JZX: A-Yu… We care about you, okay? If you need anything just tell me.

MXY: ...okay, gege.

JGY: On that touching note, let’s go to an Inquiry as interpreted by the great Zewu-Jun. This is from a Lanling ghost that goes by Xiao-Ji . She asked, “My brother still prays to the goddess that killed me. How can I make him stop?”

MXY: This feels straightforward.

JGY: Kill him?

MXY: ( laughs )

JZX: NO!

MXY: But, Gege…

JGY: Maybe he has a reason why he’s still praying to the goddess.

MXY: What if he prayed for her death ?

JZX: Why are you so morbid…

MXY: I say the facts as I see it.

JGY: That was a conjecture.

MXY: I love it when you use big words!

JZX: Moving on, I think you should let us deal with that goddess. Give Zewu-Jun more information.

MXY: Gege, how are you this boring? How? Is it getting married? No… A-Li is still perfect…

JZX: A-Yu… 

MXY: Aw, I’m joking! I love you, gege!

JZX: Thank you?

MXY: If you died, I’ll stop praying to the goddess that killed you.

JGY: That’s nice.

MXY: I’ll stop praying to the goddess that will kill you, too!

JGY: It’ll kill us both, then? How terrifying.

MXY: No, you’re right. Only Xuan-gege will be targeted by the goddess. You’ll never die.

JGY: Thank you.

JZX: Why am I the only one who’ll die?

MXY: Maybe I’ll die too! Who knows!!

JZX: I don’t like this topic.

MXY: But death comes for all of us!

JZX: See, that sounds like another thing Wei Wuxian would say.

MXY: ( laughs ) Yeah, he does say that.

JGY: We talk too much about another stonecast. This is counterproductive.

MXY: Maybe free advertisement will make them kidnap me.

JZX: If I see the Yiling Patriarch in Koi Tower, I’ll send him to jail.

MXY: I’ll bust him out, though. That's counterproductive.

JGY: That’s treason.

MXY: So?

JGY: Hm. Don’t get caught.

JZX: Why are you both like this?

JGY: I didn’t do anything.

MXY: I haven’t done anything. Yet.

JZX: Anyway, let’s end this here. We’ll do more questions next time and we won’t mention the Yiling Patriarch again.

JGY: That doesn’t seem like a sustainable goal.

MXY: I’ll quit.

JZX: Please send all your questions to the Koi Tower. This was your Sect Leader, Jin Zixuan.

JGY: Your Sect Deputy, Jin Guangyao.

MXY: And Yiling Patriarch’s future second husband, Mo Xuanyu!

JGY/JZX: A-Yu!

[ closing song played with a dizi ]