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I Ruin Everything

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I couldn’t help it. As I forced the pin into my arm, all I could feel was the pain of my tears being equalled. The only thought going through my mind was that I ruined everything; that I messed up my entire relationship. I had seen him just standing there, talking to a girl…but all the alcohol in my system caused it to seem like something different. My head spun as I saw this, and I ran away as quickly as I could. The visions before me were only blurs, and before I knew it, I was waking up alone in a bathroom. But no matter how long I had been out, or where I was, one thought continued to ring through my head.

I ruin everything.

That’s really why I started to carve the words into my arm with a pin. I took the closest sharp object and before I knew it, I was drawing blood. The sight it of it all made it so much more real than I could imagine, and part of me felt sick. I couldn’t stop, though, because another part of me wanted to do it. I was feeling too much pain inside, as the memories returned…of how he followed me, how I refused to believe him when he said it was a friendly talk, and how I pushed him out of my life.


A voice from around the corner of the wall brought me to reality. Hearing the footsteps approaching, I pocketed the pin, and as quickly as I could, I pulled my black silk sleeve over my arm. I had managed to wipe away the blood with the inside of my sleeve, so it was not even noticeable. I pulled myself up from the floor, and walked around the corner where I saw him approaching. He looked sad, angry, and worried…and I couldn’t help but feel worse. I had done this to the man I love.

“Ville? Are you okay?” he asked.

My tear stained face strained a smile, “Never better.”

“I know that’s not true. After last night…hell, I was expecting you dead, as sad as it is to say…”

“I’m fine, Bammie.”

His blue eyes lit up, and he smiled to me. I knew that I did not sound or look very convincing, but it was all I could do. I didn’t want to hurt the man more than I already had. Sure, I had been the one who hurt originally…but I was overreacting…he, on the other hand, did nothing wrong. I took another step forward, and there was silence between us. I couldn’t take the silence, or the tenseness of the area…I jumped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. Crying in the nape of his neck, I mumbled my apologies, and he embraced me, assuring me that all was okay.

“There’s something I have to show you, Bam.”

Stepping back from him, I pulled up my sleeve. The blood was spread everywhere, from being wet and wiped, although it wasn’t dark nor was yet staining. The words in my arm were clear as day, though, and I saw his heart tear into two when he looked at it. The previously smiling face went down completely, and his blue eyes almost gave into tears. There was nothing I could do now to fix it all…nothing left I could do. I felt my tears return as I watched a silent small tear fall down his cheek. He spent a couple more minutes looking at my arm before turning to face me.

“Why, Willa? Why do this to yourself?”

“Because, Bammie…I ruin everything.”

Taking me into his arms again, letting a sob out of his throat, he spoke softly, “You ruin nothing, Ville. I love you no matter what happens, and I always will.”

“I…” I had no idea what to say, but in my vulnerable emotional state, I could say nothing else. “I love you too, Bam. I always will. I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean to…I was just so upset, you know? And last night…I was just so drunk…oh my God…I really didn’t mean it. I love you. I’m sorry…”

“I forgive you, Ville. I could never stay mad at you."