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Kris Wu Walking a Goose

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There was an entire goose sitting in the middle of Yifan’s potato field. Not a dead goose left behind by the coyotes in the woods (which, happened a lot more often than Yifan was comfortable with), but an entire fluffy, white, majestic, and very much alive goose seemingly oblivious to the fact that it was sitting on Yifan’s freshly manured potato plants was happily snoozing away with its head tucked snugly into its wing.

It was love at first sight for Yifan. He happily skipped over to the goose with a bucket of rice and corn, fully intending on making friends with the goose and wooing it into his house so he could keep the beauty as a pet.

The goose on the other hand, wasn’t too impressed. After being rudely awakened by the farmer’s gigantic stomping feet, the goose wasn’t in a particularly cheerful mood. It stood up, fluffing up its feathers and hissed threateningly at Yifan. 

Yifan apparently did not catch that cue because instead of backing away from a murderous goose like a normal person, Yifan began aggressively throwing the corn and rice at the goose, waving his arms and legs in some sort of bizarre welcome dance as if that was a good way to appear non-threatening to a wild animal.

Now, any regular wild goose would’ve absolutely lost it at this point. First being attacked by projectiles, then having it’s dominance threatened via an aggressive arm-flailing, territory-claiming dance? Yifan would’ve very surely lost an eye and a solid chunk of his cheek. Fortunately for Yifan, the goose in question was not a regular wild goose, just a very very cursed, very tired, and very pissed off human. 

It’s a bit of a funny story.

Kim Junmyeon considered himself as a pretty average person. Maybe above average in the looks department if his freelance modeling gigs were anything to go by but other than that, he didn’t think he was anything special or a good witch target for that matter. Junmyeon prided himself in being sociable and friendly. He liked to think that even if he wasn’t good friends with the people he met, he left a positive impression on them and no hard feelings, so it was a great surprise to him when an angry woman (who he later learned was a witch) knocked at his door at 6am on a Saturday threatening to hex the crap out of him. Apparently “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I don’t think I know you, maybe you’ve got the right person?” was not the correct answer to the threats the witch was spewing because the witch turned an unbelievable shade of crimson, took a deep breath, jabbed a perfectly manicured fingernail into Junmyeon’s chest and absolutely blew up.


“Fungi? I don’t know a fungi and I don-”


“But I’m not Juns-”

“SHUSH” The witch glared at Junmyeon with such intensity, Junmyeon felt his blood run cold. He was about to open his mouth and defend himself when the witch suddenly burst out into a nursery rhyme.


My Dear Junseo, I don't want to see you ,

 Harassing native wildlife , and denying all your crimes ,

I gave you three chances, But you didn't bloody listen,

So now I'm gonna turn you into a GOOSE! ”


Junmyeon couldn’t do anything but stare in horror as his body began to sprout a beak and feathers and he shrunk to about a foot tall. “What? Why?” Junmyeon tried to ask, but he only honked.

“Oi what? You want to be changed back? No can’t do. I gave you three bloody chances but no, you just had to go piss of a witch.”

Junmyeon honked again.

“Ok fine, I lied, I can only do conditional curses because the elders said I’m not old enough to practice unconditional curses” The witch rolled her eyes. “You just have to find a human to kiss you. That’s the only condition to break the curse. Good luck with that since you’re a goose and all”

Junmyeon jumped as the door to his house suddenly slammed shut behind him. Junmyeon honked at the witch who was picking at the dirt under her fingernails. 

“Don’t worry, key’s under the doormat. Only you can see the key when you turn back to a human. Toodles!”

With that the witch was gone and Junmyeon dejectedly slunk off his front porch towards the park near his house.

Unfortunately, wild geese weren’t too welcoming of Junmyeon. Perhaps it was because Junmyeon was a stark white goose and all the other geese were various shades of brown so they were jealous, but whatever the reason was, the geese constantly honked at him, pecked at him, and stole the little food he could find for himself. 

Hungry, tired, and incredibly ticked off, Junmyeon decided to attempt to fly southwards. He remembers driving through the area as a human and there were plenty of farms he could feast in. It would be a long journey, especially since flying was quite difficult for Junmyeon but it was better than wasting his time at the park, starving and being bullied by the neighborhood geese. 

Determined, Junmyeon flew off towards the direction of the farms.

And that was how Junmyeon found himself at Yifan’s farm. Junmyeon wandered around the farm, looking for food and a safe spot to sleep. He wandered past the chicken coop where he found a bucket of grains, presumably chicken feed left out by the farmers and stuffed his beak with as much oats and rice as he could fit in his mouth. The chickens started at him weirdly but Junmyeon didn’t care. He was hungry, goddammit and the grass at the park was absolutely nasty. 

Finally feeling satiated, Junmyeon decided he’d call it a night and proceeded to plop down on a stack of hay he found near the chicken coop, though, that seemed to have greatly ticked off the chickens because they started shrieking and flailing their wings and Junmyeon aggressively. Ignoring the chickens only made it worse, so Junmyeon had no choice but to find another spot to sleep in.

 Junmyeon was barely a quarter through the potato field he was walking in when he realised it was a big mistake to wander about. The field was massive and Junmyeon was absolutely exhausted. Summoning his last bit of energy, Junmyeon decided to fly over the field. From a height he could see that there was a house on the other side of the field looking warm and incredibly inviting. Junmyeon honked and flapped faster despite his exhaustion.

After a while, Junmyeon landed in the potato field maybe 300 metres away from the house and decided fuck-all, he was bloody tired. There was no way he was going to fly another 300m to the house and risk getting beat up by an angry farmer. So Junmyeon sat his feathered ass right down in the middle of the field, made himself comfy, and was dead asleep in seconds flat.

That was where Yifan found him the next day before stomping over to the napping goose and rudely disrupting Junmyeon from his much needed beauty sleep. Junmyeon jumps up in shock and hisses, feathers fluffing out in fear as the human pelts him with rice and corn while flailing like a fish. If geese had jaws, Junmyeon’s would be on the floor.

Yifan finally stopped flailing and throwing things. 

“Wow! My goose wooing method worked” He beamed, running over to grab a frozen in shock Junmyeon. . . upside-down by the goose’s legs as if he was holding a plucked chicken ready to be boiled. Junmyeon hung upside down for a couple seconds before completely going ballistic and pecking the human to let him go, goddammit

“OW FUCK MY BALLS! BAD GOOSE” Yifan doubled over in pain, letting go of Junmyeon.  “But you’re such a pretty goose” Yifan muttered. “But I can’t trust you not to take off my balls…” Yifan suddenly perked up. 


With that, Yifan ran off, leaving a flabbergasted Junmyeon trying to smooth out his feathers and re-evaluate his life choices. The human seemed like a real dumbass but it was the only adult who even dared to step within a 2 metre radius of Junmyeon. Kids and grandmas at the park seemed to like Junmyeon but there was no way Junmyeon would try to get them to kiss him. One was extremely illegal and the other was just straight up creepy. The farmer definitely seemed like the best choice, especially since he expressed interest in having Junmyeon stay with him. Pet owners kiss their pets so it probably wouldn’t be that long of a wait. Plus, the human was pretty good looking and definitely Junmyeon’s type which was always a bonus. 

Yifan came huffing back holding a floral patterned collar, waving it in front of Junmyeon’s face. 

“I’m going to put this on you and it’s not going to hurt ok? So sit still and be a good goose”

Junmyeon mentally snorted but listened anyway. Any other goose wouldn’t understand anything and would’ve likely flown off by now. How the human didn’t realise it was strange how a goose could understand him was beyond Junmyeon.

“... and good girl!” Yifan beamed as he finished fastening Junmyeon’s collar. “Now follow me” 

Junmyeon honked in protest at being called a girl.

“Oh my god you understood! Yes! Follow me!” Yifan led Junmyeon by the leash back to his house, skipping the whole way and practically dragging Junmyeon through the mud and manure. Junmyeon mentally sighed. 

After getting into Yifan’s house, Junmyeon was given a rather painless scrub down. Considering Yifan’s attempt at trying to pick up a goose, he did a very good job at washing Junmyeon down. Junmyeon stepped out of the bathtub with his feathers practically sparkling. 

“Woah, what a pretty girl” Yifan praised, nodding. Junmyeon honked in annoyance but Yifan didn’t seem to get the memo.  “What should I name you?” 

Just Junmyeon is fine, thanks . Junmyeon wanted to say but he only honked. 

“I know! Poose!” Yifan turned to Junmyeon giving him the biggest gummy smile and fuck it was a pretty smile. Junmyeon was so smitten, he actually considered letting the farmer off the hook for even thinking of calling him “Poose” if it meant seeing his smile but alas, Junmyeon’s dignity didn’t allow it.

“What do you think of Poose? It rhymes with goose!”

Junmyeon honked in horror.

“Oh you like it! Yes! Poose the goose!”

Junmyeon honked louder this time. 

“Yes I am a genius!” Yifan praised himself for his creativity. “Who’s a good goosy? Poosy’s a good Goosy!”

Junmyeon wanted to die. The dumbass wanted to name him POOSE of all names? And nickname him POOSY?? What was the human even on?

“Here Poosy Poosy!” Yifan cooed, oblivious to Junmyeon’s meltdown. “Here Poosy, Poosy, Poosy, Po- Oh wait” Yifan frowned. 

“Eugh, I’m getting too much Tao’s ‘snapchat me that pussy’ vibes.” Yifan stared at his goose thoughtfully. “Don’t worry girl, I’ll think of a better name.”

Junmyeon honked again, trying and failing yet again to get Yifan to notice his error. 

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. Papa’s great at coming up with names…” Yifan murmured absentmindedly.

Junmyeon wanted to scream.

“Hm… I can’t think of anything good.” Yifan pouted. “I guess I’ll call Chanyeol. He’s filled with great ideas…” Yifan stalked out of the room, presumably to find his phone.

Junmyeon sat down on the towel lain on the couch with a mental sigh. He had little faith the human’s friend would be any better at names.

“Hey Yifan,” Yifan’s friend, Chanyeol said with a yawn. “What’s up?”

“So I got this pet goose”

“Oh really? That sounds epic!”

“I was deciding on a name for the goose, and I originally wanted to do Poose, but Poose gives me war flashbacks of Tao saying ‘snapchat me that pussy’. So I’m wondering if you have any suggestions?”

“Well” Chanyeol started “Is it a he or a she?”

I’m a he, Junmyeon wanted to yell, Yifan is an idiot but he couldn’t.

“It’s a girl” Yifan replied to Chanyeol. Junmyeon mentally groaned.

“Are you sure?”

“What do you mean are you sure?”

“Are you sure as in are you sure it’s a she ? Last time you picked up a fucking rooster and told me it was a she.”

Oh. Well that explains a lot.

“Well, I haven’t tested it. Maybe I’ll stick the goose with the female geese pen to see if what the goose does?”

Junmyeon balked. Chanyeol please tell Yifan he’s a dumbass .

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea Yifan. Maybe you can just ask the goose.”

Normally if Junmyeon saw someone asking a goose for the goose’s gender, Junmyeon would’ve laughed. Chanyeol and Yifan apparently did not see anything wrong in asking an animal what their gender is and expecting it to respond.

“Are you a goose or a goosette?”

Junmyeon honked in annoyance. How the heck was he supposed to answer that?

“Yifan I don’t think that’s how you ask a goose a question. Let me try.”

“Ok, sure dude, give me a sec.” Yifan placed the phone beside Junmyeon.

“Goose, do you have a pee-pee?” Chanyeol asked, dead serious. 

Junmyeon felt second-hand embarrassment hanging out with the pair but make a honk anyway.

“See Fan, that’s an affirmative.”

“No, he just honks at everything you say.”

“Ok then. Goose are you a female goose”

Junmyeon stays silent, staring at Yifan

“See Yifan! The goose is smart.”

“Ok fine. Do you have any good ideas on what to name him?”

“Hmmm. What about just ‘Goose’?”

“Cringe.” Yifan replied, rolling his eyes. 

I would’ve preferred ‘Goose’ over ‘Poose’ any day, J unmyeon thought.

“What about Beetle-Goose?”

“I hated Beetlejuice and you know that.”



“Ok, ok, fine” There was a long pause.

“I know!” Chanyeol exclaims excitedly. “Name him Gwuse!”


“Yeah like G-W-U-S-E! Your last name is ‘Wu’, right? It’d be so cool to incorporate that into your goose’s name.”

“Oh yeah, that’s hella smart! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Thanks man!”

“Anything for you bro! See ya!”

Yifan seemed to have walked out of the room briefly, leaving Junmyeon sitting there on the towel half asleep. Gwuse wasn’t a bad name, it just wasn’t a good one either. It was still ten times better than Poose, so Junmyeon didn’t want to ever try to fight it.

Moments later, Yifan walked in with a bag of duck feed. 

“Gwuse? You hungry?” 

Junmyeon perked up and accidentally let out an excited quack.

“Awwww, follow me then.” Yifan led Junmyeon to the kitchen where he got out a bowl and scooped the duck feed into the bowl. “Here ya go. Enjoy!”

Junmyeon chewed on his food happily.

“I’m so lucky to have a pet goose like you. I’d totally give you anything you want, Gwuse. You’re my bestest pal from now on.”

Oh yeah? Anything I want? Kiss me then. Junmyeon wanted to say, but only quacks came out.

“Oh, you’re quacking. Does this mean you like the food?”

Kiss me . Junmyeon quacks again.

“Oh, you’re quacking again. Are you still hungry?”


Yifan furrowed his eyebrows. “Now Gwuse, I can’t feed you too much because you’ll get fat, ok.”

Junmyeon mentally groaned. Was the guy dumb or something? At this rate he’d be stuck as a goose for the rest of his life.


After a couple days of Yifan mistaking quacks as him being hungry or him being cold, Junmyeon decides to try another tactic. If he followed Yifan everywhere, maybe Yifan would feel closer to him and kiss him on the head like you’d kiss your pet cat or something.

Unfortunately, Yifan is dense, so that plan failed spectacularly.

First off, it took three whole days for Yifan to even notice that Junmyeon was trailing after him everywhere he went in the house. It was likely due to the fact that other than when he was working on his farm, Yifan rarely moved around so it was hard for him to tell the goose was moving with him if he didn’t move in the first place.

When Yifan finally noticed Junmyeon following him everywhere, he somehow managed to assume that Junmyeon, a grown ass goose, imprinted on him.

“Oh wow, you’re actually following me Gwuse! I think you like me!”

Junmyeon quacked. Yifan was on the right track.

“Do you think I am your mother?”

And . . . BOOM. Yifan ruined it. Junmyeon mentally sighed but continued following Yifan around.

“Oh! Yes! I read this in books! You’re following me so you definitely think I’m your mother!”

Junmyeon wanted to argue that’s not how it works but of course he couldn’t. He was a goose.

“Oh my god! I’m finally a parent, this is so exciting!”

Junmyeon didn’t even bother honking this time.

“This is so exciting! Gwuse! Come here to Papa! Yes! Over here to Daddy!”

Jesus CHIRST, Junmyeon thought, but obeyed anyway, waddling over to Yifan’s side. 

Yifan squealed when Junmyeon walked forward and picked up Junmyeon like a baby, cradling it and swinging him gently in his arms.

Junmyeon lay there, frozen in shock, staring at Yifan’s face with hundreds of thoughts whizzing through head. First off, damn, Yifan was hot up close. He definitely would not mind adopting a couple of children with the guy. Yes he was an idiot but over the past few days, Junmyeon had come to see more sides to the human. He was hardworking, funny on occasion, passionate, and genuinely cared for the animals under his care. He definitely wouldn’t mind dating the human-

“I wonder if I should dress up as a goose so you’ll feel more comfortable with me.” Yifan stared at the goose in his arms fondly “Quack, Quack, Honk?” Yifan tried imitating geese noises. “Do you understand me?”

Junmyeon’s beak dropped open in shock. Never mind.  Yifan was an absolute fool.

“Oh hush thee my baby~ The night is behind us" 

Yifan started swadling his goose in blankets and singing a lullaby. 

“And soft are the waters that sparkled so green”  

Junmyeon had to admit that Yifan had a really nice voice. The blankets were really soft and Yifan’s arms were very warm. Junmyeon found himself falling asleep despite his annoyance.

“The storm shall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee, asleep in the arms of the slow swinging seas”

The plan mostly failed, and at the current rate Yifan was processing Junmyeon’s “messages”, Junmyeon’s hope of turning back into a human was diminishing rapidly. 

“What a pretty goose. My baby goose” Yifan whispered, patting Junmyeon’s feathers softly.

Maybe, just maybe, being stuck as a goose with Yifan wasn’t that bad.


Junmyeon soon learns how to take advantage of being a goose. 

Junmyeon’s next plan involved him being as cute as a goose possibly could be. This included following Yifan everywhere, fluffing up his feathers prettily for Yifan, having conversations with Yifan via honks, and napping beside Yifan, curled up in a fluffy, feathered ball.

Yifan however, remains oblivious to Junmyeon’s advances.

Which was totally unfair according to Junmyeon. Yifan had recently allowed Junmyeon to follow him around the farm and every time they reached the duck pen, Junmyeon watched Yifan feed his ducks, give his ducks pats, then kisses on their heads.

Junmyeon was definitely not jealous. He also totally didn’t hiss at the ducks when Yifan’s back was turned.

After a week of watching Yifan being all snuggly with his ducks, Junmyeon decides that he’s had enough. What did a duck have that he didn’t have? The ducks were all ugly with dumb flat beaks. He was a dignified white goose. How was it that Yifan was okay kissing his appalling hay covered ducks when there was him? A majestic and elegant beauty of a goose? If Yifan wanted a dirty street-goose, he’d get a dirty street goose. 

With a huff, Junmyeon flies off from where Yifan was coddling his ducks and right splat into a mud pit, flopping around and getting mudd absolutely all over himself.

“Gwuse? Gwuse!! No!!” Yifan dropped his ducks back in the pen and ran over to Junmyeon. “GWUSE!! NO!! BAD GWUSE!!”

Junmyeon honks at Yifan angrily. 

“Nooo! Gwuse come’re! Come to papa! Gwuse!”


“Gwuse, why are you misbehaving? What’s wrong?” Yifan approaches the mud pit and crouches down to Junmyeon’s level. “Did I do something?”

Yes you did, Junmyeon hissed, flapping his wings and sloshing mud all over Yifan. You- 

Junmyeon tried to flap his wings again but he was stuck in the mud. Oh no. Junmyeon honked pitifully.

Junmyeon expected Yifan to get upset for him ruining his clothes and strike him, but Yifan didn’t do any of that. Yifan slowly approached Junmyeon, gently eased him out of the mud, and hugged him close to his chest, despite the mud dripping off both of them.

“There, there. No one’s going to hurt you. You’re safe here with Papa.” 

Junmyeon makes a sad goose noise.

“You’re one muddy goose, eh?” Yifan threw his head back, laughing heartily. “Let’s go home for a shower so we can feel better.”

If Junmyeon could blush, he’d be a beetroot. 

Apparently Yifan’s idea of “let’s go home for a shower” was not giving Junmyeon a bath and then himself, but washing both himself and his goose at the same time. Junmyeon tried his best to look away as Yifan stripped his muddy clothes and undergarments off himself. 

A naked Yifan towered over Junmyeon, picked him up, and dropped him in the bathtub.

“Let’s get squeaking clean, okay Gwuse?”

Junmyeon could only honk.

Yifan finished washing Junmyeon first, drying the goose off with a towel and leaving the goose to wander in the bathroom alone while he finished showering.

That plan however, caused a bit of an issue for Junmyeon. Yifan liked to . . . relieve himself in the shower and since Yifan’s shower had a non-frosted glass door, Junmyeon could see everything . He couldn’t even escape the bathroom because he was a goose and geese can’t open doors. Not that he would’ve opened the door if he could but still. Junmyeon couldn’t do anything but sit on the bathroom mat, swaddled in towels, watching the human jack off in the shower.

That was the last time Junmyeon pulled the mud jumping fiasco. (He’s lying.)


Another week of living with Yifan and Junmyeon is beyond frustrated. And horny, but he's not admitting that out loud. 

Some progress was made. Yifan now slept with Junmyeon tucked snugly under his arms and he started spending quality time watching movies with Junmyeon on his lap, occasionally feeding the goose whipped cream as a treat. Despite all the progress, Yifan still hadn’t kissed Junmyeon and Junmyeon was somewhere between angry, horny, irritated, and thirsty.

It wasn’t his fault Yifan was hot and totally his type with the sweetest personality and the cutest smile and hands that could probably wrap entirely around his neck (as a human), but he couldn’t ask him out or date or seduce the man because he was mistaken as some sort of fungus tormenter and turned into a damn goose. The more Junmyeon thought about it the angrier he got. His anger couldn’t go anywhere because he was a goose and he could only honk, which made him incredibly discouraged. The more disheartened he got the more he pulled away from Yifan and sulked in a corner. The more he sulked in a corner the more Yifan would coo at him, coddle him, give him nice pettings, and whatnot. The more Yifan pampered him the harder Junmyeon fell for him, and the harder Junmyeon fell in love the more he’d think about how unfair the situation was. The frustration he felt the hornier he got, and the hornier he got, the angrier he was, then the angrier he was, the more discouraged he was . . .and the cycle continued seemingly endlessly.

Until one day, Junmyeon had enough.

Junmyeon was sitting on Yifan’s lap, snacking on whipped cream and bits of rye while watching The Notebook with Yifan when three quarters through the movie, Yifan started half sobbing.

“Oh man this is so sad” Yifan sniffed. 

“Oh man this is so sad” Yifan said again. Junmyeon tried to lean his head on Yifan’s shoulders to comfort him.

“The worst part is, if I get dementia, there’ll be no one there for me because no one loves me” Yifan sobbed. Junmyeon wasn’t too sure what to do so he just honked.

“I know Gwuse, I’ve tried getting a boyfriend but they reject me” Yifan sobbed harder. “No one loves me and I’ll die alone!” 

Junmyeon honked. Just bloody kiss me and you won’t be alone.

“Gwuse I appreciate it but you’ll die before I get dementia for sure.”

Just fucking kiss me and I won’t die before you?

“I know you love me Gwuse, I just wished other people would love me”


“Why are you honking so loud? Is this you defending my honor?” Yifan sniffed and patted Junmyeon on the head. “Thank you Gwuse but I’m ugly”


“Awww Gwuse, you’re the best, I love you so much. . . But I’m destined to die alone. . .”

Junmyeon pecks Yifan lightly on the cheek.

“Ouch! What was that for?” Yifan stares at Junmyeon. Junmyeon, absolutely done with the dimwit human flew off Yifan’s lap and started honking and flapping his wings as loud as he could. YOU DICKWAD , Junmyeon tried to yell, IF YOU WOULD JUST FUCKING KISS ME LIKE YOU DO WITH YOUR DUCKS AND STOP LAMENTING ABOUT YOUR LONELINESS, WE’D GET SOMEWHERE?

“Oh, you’re honking again. Are you still hungry even after all the rye??” Yifan stood up from the couch and wandered to the kitchen. “I think I have some oats as well so you can have that. . .”

Junmyeon snapped. Screeching loudly, he charged at the human in full attack mode, wings flapping and feathers flying everywhere. 


Yifan yelps in alarm, falling back and landing on his ass as Junmyeon charges towards him. 

“Gwuse, what- OOF” Junmyeon smacked straight into the human’s face, leaving Yifan with a mouth full of feathers and . . .

A very pretty but annoyed little human sitting on top of him.

“Fuck you’re cute” Yifan wanted to say, but the human on top of him looked absolutely murderous.


“Wait, who are you and how do you know my name? Also what did you do with Gwuse?”


“What? I’m confused? What do you mean you’re my goose also would you like to put clothes on? You are very naked?”

“You’re confused? Oh my god fuck me, fuck me, and fuck me, just fucking choke me I can’t believe this.”

“Um? Yes I agree and I’d do so gladly but are you sure? You look like you’re about to have an aneurysm? You know what’s important when it comes to having sex? Explicit consent, and making sure your partner is okay with everything and I cannot go on if you look like you’re about to explode any second. We live in a society whe-”

“Oh my god just fucking shut up” Junmyeon groaned, hitting Yifan on the chest and cutting him off mid ramble with a kiss.

“You know why you don’t have a boyfriend? Because you’re a dumbass and a dweeb and when you pull out that ‘we live in a society’ monologue, everyone instantly loses all interest in getting to know you - which is a pity because YOU’RE SO FUCKING HOT and I’d feel a little worse for you if wasn’t attracted to you but boohoo I AM and I can’t believe I’d fall for someone who sings All Star when masturbating and I should be disgusted but NO I sit there thinking of 10 ways to choke on your dick-”

Yifan made a choked sputtering noise.

“BUT I was stuck as a fucking GOOSE of all things and I had to endure THREE WEEKS of being sexually frustrated and not being able to do anything because you wouldn’t KISS ME”

Yifan stared at the ethereal human flushed and huffing on his lap, not sure what to say. It wasn’t everyday he got proposals from cute guys asking him to choke them or whatever. Yifan definitely didn’t mind, but it was still a lot to process. He should probably figure out how to calm the guy down first.

“Hey” Yifan gave the angry human a little kiss. “I kissed you now, hmm? Better late than never baby.” 

That seemed to calm the guy down significantly, he sighed, sinking into Yifan’s lap, anger dissipating off of him almost instantly. He seemed pretty tired after his outburst.

“Can I have your name?”

“Junmyeon” he mumbled, pouting.

“Junmyeon? That’s a really pretty name.” Yifan put his hand on Junmyeon’s waist, gently massaging the skin there, smiling to himself as Junmyeon’s breath hitched. 

“It’s not fair that you still have your clothes on” Junmyeon pouted again, fiddling with the buttons on Yifan’s pyjama top. 

“Would you like to help me take it off?” Yifan whispered, staring into Junmyeon’s eyes. 

“Yes, please” Junmyeon whimpered. “ Please.”


In retrospect, Junmyeon was a little too desperate for his own liking. 

In any other situation, he wouldn’t have likely left as soon as Yifan tried to tell him that the lube was chicken grease as a joke but Junmyeon was whipped and too far down the rabbit hole so instead of straight up leaving or yelling at Yifan, he started crying for Yifan to “please just fuck me”. He’s probably begged more last night than his entire life. Slightly mortifying on Junmyeon’s end, but at least he got what he wanted. Also, in Junmyeon’s defense, being sexually frustrated for almost a month straight really does things to you. 

Junmyeon stretched, feeling satisfied, and enjoying the weight of Yifan’s arms wrapped around him. 

“Hey beautiful” Yifan yawned, giving Junmyeon a kiss on the forehead.

“So now you kiss me?” Junmyeon huffed. “If you kissed me a month ago this thing wouldn’t’ve dragged out so long.”

“I’m just making up for the kisses I owe you,” Yifan laughed, giving Junmyeon a gummy smile. “Should I stop?”

“No!! You should give me more kisses.”

“Of course, of course, anything for my angel.” Yifan chuckled again, giving Junmyeon another kiss. 

Junmyeon buried his face in Yifan’s neck and nodded. 

“Oh no.”

“Hmm?” Junmyeon looked at Yifan in question. “What’s wrong?”

“Chanyeol’s supposed to be coming over today at noon to visit my goose but the goose is gone. Well, technically you’re the goose and you’re here but I need to explain that to Chanyeol”

“I mean, I think I can explain? We need to get up and get dressed though, what time is it?” 

Yifan glanced at the clock and cursed. “Shit it’s 11:48. We have to get up and get dressed.”

Junmyeon groaned. “I don’t have any clothes I need to borrow some of yours” 

Yifan sat up. “Yeah here um, you can wear my sweater if that fits?”

The sweater was at least 3 sizes too large and Junmyeon looked like he was wearing a dress.

 “Let me find some pants for you,” Yifan hurried around his room, pulling pants and a shirt on himself while trying to find suitable clothing for Junmyeon.

The doorbell rang. 

“Shit. Uh, I’ll get it? Do the pants fit you? If not just wear the sweater and boxers and pretend it’s fashion? Chanyeol’s into fashion I’m sure he’ll understand? Uh-”

The doorbell rang again.

“Shit! Coming!” Yifan called, running to his door. “Hey Yeol- Oh, um hello ma’am? How can I help you?”

The woman at his door smiled sweetly. “Is Kim Junmyeon here? I’d like to talk to him.”

“Oh yeah just a sec,” Yifan turned to call Junmyeon, not realising how odd it is that someone would be looking for Junmyeon at his address. “Junmyeon! Someone’s looking for you!” 

“Huh?” Junmyeon shuffled over sleepily. 

“Oh.” His eyes widened like saucers “You.”

The witch bowed at Junmyeon. “Sorry, let me introduce myself. My name is Seoah. As you’ve probably guessed, I’m a witch, and I’m here to apologise for turning you into a goose.”

“Right.” Said Junmyeon, looking unamused.

“I’m seriously sorry! I genuinely thought you were that goddamned fox harasser! Turns out I got the address wrong and I didn’t double-check with the grand high witch so that’s why I was so adamant it was you.” The witch bowed. “As compensation for your trouble, I’d like to offer you anything you want, as long as it’s something reasonable I can achieve.”

“Um,” Junmyeon blinked. “I’m not sure what I want.”

The witch blinked. “You don’t want me to do anything like erase the memory of everyone who's interacted with you as a goose? It’s what people usually choose,”

“No!! I like where I am right now, thanks!” Junmyeon blurted, clinging on to Yifan. “Uh, I guess I want to wish for you to somehow sort out my month long disappearance? I’m pretty sure my parents and boss and whatever are worried.”

The witch nodded. “Okay, okay, consider that done. Anything else?” 

“I thought I only got one wish”

“I feel bad about cursing you.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon paused. “I guess I’ll wish that I can meet Fungi and that he’ll have a nice long life?”

The witch gaped at him. “What?”

“I can’t think of anything better! Sorry!”

“You don’t want money? A prettier face? Power?”

“Err, not really, but Fungi sounds like a cool fox to hang out with, right Fan?”

“Yeah foxes are super cute.” Yifan nodded.

The witch made a funny look with her face. “Alright. I’ll bring Fungi over tomorrow then.” Then she bowed. “Again I’m so sorry about bringing you the extra trouble. Goodbye for now.” And then she was gone.

Junmyeon blinked. 

Yifan blinked.

“Well” Yifan started.

“Well” Junmyeon echoed.

“Shouldn’t you be getting to your house? Isn’t there a lot for you to sort out?”

“Nah,” Junmyeon hugged Yifan harder. “I’d like to stay here with you a bit more.



“Jun my plants start growing like absolute crazy everytime we have sex? I’ll have twice the amount of crops by the end of the year?”

“What?” Junmyeon almost dropped the box of his belongings onto his foot. “WHAT?”

“I think the witch did something? I dunno but it’s so cool! And the potatoes are giant?”


Yifan shrugged, passing Junmyeon another box of his belongings. “Yeah I dunno. I thought it was just me hallucinating or whatever so I actually measured the plants and they’re growing twice as fast after we fuck! Isn’t that cool? It’s like a win-win! We should definitely consider having sex more often”

Junmyeon choked.


Extra Extra:

“Myeonnie I’m thinking of releasing my mixtape. Chanyeol and Luhan made theirs the other day and it’s pretty cool. Do you think I’ll be a good rapper? Do you think I’ll be better than them?”

Junmyeon glanced at Yifan from over his glasses. “Honest opinion?”


“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“How could I get mad at my lovely boyfriend?”

Junmyeon rolled his eyes. “Yes I think your mixtape will be better than Chanyeol and Luhan’s but only because Chanyeol wrote his about carrots and Luhan decided to use slang ten years out of date. With that being said, no, I don’t think you’ll be a good rapper.”

“Fuck! Now I have to think of a different way to propose!”