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until the very end of me

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“Dean. I have to talk to you.”

Dean looks more like a deer caught in headlights, than a man ruling at the end of worlds. So Cas gives up. 

Cas  kisses him, hand against his jaw, soft, tilting Dean towards him. Dean kisses Cas back, so Cas might as well go for broke, Cas trails his hands pushing and prodding towards a bed with a door. 

The space in the marrow of his bones, where Grace that had been butchered and bartered and chipped away until it burst, will stretch a little further. 

Cas has to talk to Dean still, but they’re going to do this first.

 


 

In bed it’s easier, he leans over Dean and forces him to catch his eyes. 

“Dean.”

“What Cas.”

“I have to talk to you about the empty,” Dean doesn’t look happy about it, but Cas goes on, “When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty will be summoned and it will take me forever.” Cas can’t stop touching Dean, hands trailing and holding, and pressing. 

“Cas, what are you saying?” it sounds punched out of him. 

“I think I know now that it’s not enough to feel it, it’s also in the saying it. 

“I know how you see yourself, always seeing the worst version of yourself, destructive and and angry and broken, your daddy’s blunt instrument. That hate and anger are what drive you. That this is all you are,” Cas has his hand over Dean’s heart. 

“But that’s not who you are, and every one who knows you can see it, you’re like a light in the darkness, every thing you have ever done has been for love— the good and the bad. 

“You’ve raised your brother, you’ve fought for the whole world, again and again, for love. That who you are: the most caring man on earth. 

“Ever since we met, since I raised you from perdition and held your soul in my hands, you have been the most selfless and loving human being I have ever known” Cas hand goes to the shoulder, “I thought I knew everything there was to know, but you changed me. Knowing you has been the greatest pleasure of my existence, because you cared, I cared, because of you I loved sam, and jack, and the whole world,”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Dean kissed Cas, “Why does this sound like a good bye?” his hands gripping Cas’ arms. 

“Because it is,” Cas kisses Dean again, “I love you, being with you has been the most important thing that has ever happened to me.” 

“Cas,” Dean sounds like the sucking chest wounds have hurt less “I love you too, don’t do this Cas. ” 

“Good bye Dean,” Cas is grabbing his trench coat made of something more durable than his wings that lasted millennia off the floor, with the rest of the detritus of being a living person. 

The empty is waiting. 

So of course that when the door and Billie appears. The dark beating hum, that was filling the room stopped. The blank mirrored surface cracked wide. 

“Don’t bother to get up, it seems the Winchesters made another deal.”