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They Do Smell Worse on the Inside

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The lights come up on the stage an icy blue as the soothing, classic melodies of Peer Gynt Suite No. 1, Opus No. 46 "Morning Mood", by Edvard Grieg, performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra swell. All the audience can see is a pair of lush feather fans, a burlesque staple, and the legs of the person behind them. The music makes the audience feel light and airy as the piano trills. The fans gracefully glide through the air, strategically hiding the performer from view. As the music swells, the beautiful burlesque dancer is revealed, but wait, that's not a burlesque dancer; that's a tauntaun! The audience can't decide whether to laugh at the absurdity or cry at the beauty as the tauntaun continues to perform a magnificent fan dance. The artistry of the moment is interrupted when a familiar voice laments, "Ugh, and I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

The tauntaun, as if motivated by the voice in the darkness, drops the feather fans and removes its horny head to reveal a beautiful burlesque dancer with perfect makeup, coiffed hair, and a disgusted look on their face. The music changes, and the jazzy tune of "Autumn Leaves" fills the air. Tossing the head aside, they notice the audience for the first time, and they quickly transform their grimace into a winning if strained smile. They continue to strip out the heaping carcass of the ice lizard to reveal the classic burlesque costume of a bra, corset, and panel skirt...except that they are all covered in guts. Of course, this is a burlesque act, after all, so the guts take on a more feathered boa, sparkly fringe, and misshapen shaped trim variety. But don't be fooled by their palatable shape; they smell just as bad as regular intestines. The dancer gulps, holds their breath, and puts on a brave face as they peel, strip, and tease it all off.

They manage to get through the worst of the guts without vomiting, though it was a close call when one of the tendrils got trapped in their hair. Now that was a harrowing moment for everyone. They've almost made it to the end. The panel skirt has been twirled away and the corset removed. All that remains is the bra, and it's unlikely there are any guts in the bra, right? Right?? With a quick look to the audience and a collective deep breath, the dancer takes off their bra to reveal two pink pasties and NO GUTS! Everyone's relieved and delighted when they strike their final pose, but as the music ends, the dancer squirms and reaches into their panties to pull out the longest, weirdest intestine yet. The audience laughs in order not to gag, and the lights dim as they keep pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling and