Work Header

john: get the last word

Chapter Text

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:55 --


EB: hey dave!

TG: sup

EB: nothing much! just wanted to let you know to expect a package this week.

TG: forward much dude

TG: i mean not that im not completely flattered but what will the neighbors think

TG: the walls are pretty goddamn thin here

TG: and just for your information im kind of a screamer

EB: uh.

EB: that is not what i meant to imply just now.

EB: and also i did not need to know that last bit.

TG: everyone needs to know that last bit

TG: its like my signature move

TG: i call it the banshee

EB: and this is all applicable because we are completely having sex.

TG: well yeah

TG: you and me are going to spend eternity squished together like a pair of naked barbies at the bottom of the toybox

TG: but will you still think im pretty when im covered in crayon and toothmarks egbert

TG: will you still love me when im vintage

EB: hey dave?

TG: at the risk of sounding utterly redundant

TG: sup

EB: you know i would still love you if you were a barbie, right? even if some kid hacked all your hair off and lost your pretty rainbow comb i would still invite you to all my backyard stuffed animal tea parties.

EB: i'm just sayin'.

TG: you say that but ive seen you drooling over that slut skipper

EB: i was not! i was checking out her cute shoes.

TG: you were imagining her spanking you through your creepy plastic-molded underpants

EB: this metaphor is starting to disturb me a little!

TG: okay yeah lets talk about something else

EB: let's talk about the sealed cardboard box full of horrible soft cookies my dad has bullied me into sending you on pain of death.

TG: should i be alarmed

TG: what kind of cookies

EB: i don't know! i think oatmeal raisin? he went batfuck insane and baked like five hundred of the goddamn things last night. if i don't send them to you and convey his sternest admonition to put some meat on your bones i have to eat them by myself.

EB: all of them.

EB: and then do you know what will happen to me?

TG: do tell

EB: i'll die, dave. i will inflate and explode like that guy on monty python.

TG: shit brosef

TG: my condolences in advance for your splattered organs

TG: thing is ive never been much of a fan of raisins

TG: they're grapes that forgot the sunblock

TG: and then they show up on the beach one day twenty years later looking like beef jerky in a string bikini

TG: except in this case you have to eat them instead of taking pictures for your blog

EB: you had better eat them anyway.

EB: they are blood cookies.

TG: hang on is this a force feeding fetish hes developing here

TG: i dunno if im cool with that

TG: your dad is an okay guy but my jeans only expand so far before i start thinking muumuu thoughts

TG: and weeping

EB: dave.

EB: no.

EB: you will eat the cookies until you love them.

EB: end of debate.

TG: awfully butch today egbert

TG: youre making me wet

TG: scuse me while i go rub one out in the bathroom

TG: but first could you do me a favor and call me a dirty little piss piglet

EB: no.

EB: if i did you'd tell me what that means.

EB: the cookies. eat them.

EB: and don't think about me when you're jerking off. 

TG: no promises barbie

TG: but ill be sure to imagine myself buying you dinner first if that makes it any better. 

EB: i appreciate that.

EB: by the way.

EB: dave?

TG: better make it snappy son

TG: i got a halfie here with your name written all over it

TG: in two inch high letters

EB: i like it from behind.

TG: wait what



-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:39 --


EB: hehehehe.