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Jiang Sibling Virginity Pact, The Transcript

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OPALSONG: Jiang Virginity Pact, created by Opalsong…

VORVAYNE: and Vorvayne

OPALSONG:

  • Fandom: Módào Zǔshī or The Untamed
  • Rating: Mature
  • Relationships:
    • Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji
    • Jiang Yan Li/Mian Mian/Jin Zixuan
    • Jiang Cheng/Nie Mingjue/Lan Xichen
    • Jiang Cheng/Nie Huisang

[Excerpt from This is How We Do by Katy Perry]

 

This is how we do
This is how we do
 (Oh-oh)

Sipping on Rosé
Silver Lake sun coming up all lazy (This is how we do)
Slow cooking pancakes for my boy
Still up, still fresh as a daisy (Oh-oh)
Playing ping pong all night long
Everything's all neon and hazy (This is how we do)
Chanel this, Chanel that
Hell yeah, all my girls vintage Chanel, baby

It's no big deal
It's no big deal
It's no big deal
This is no big deal

This is how we do, yeah
Chilling, laid-back, straight stunting
Yeah, we do it like that
This is how we do, do-do-do-do
This is how we do
This is how we do, yeah
Chilling, laid-back, straight stunting
Yeah, we do it like that
This is how we do, do-do-do-do
This is how we do

VORVAYNE: Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng had decided that, ok, so, we need to have sex, ok. Like tonight. This is ridiculous. We can’t possibly be virgins, you know.

OPALSONG: Ok, so, I think, just to set this up a little bit for our listeners. This started out—I forget exactly how we started with this idea? But somebody eventually mentioned virginity pact. And so the sort of set up for this plot is that all three Jiang siblings are virgins. Correct?

VORVAYNE: Yes, yes, they’re all virgins. And they’re kind of like in the first year of college or university or whatever. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are. Yanli is like a year older or so.

OPALSONG: Yes. They might—We might have had them last year of high school, but first year of college/university also works. But I think we had originally set it up that Huisang, Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian, they were all, like, last year of high school, like 17 or 18, that sort of thing. And then Yanli, Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue, they were all in university. Like, they were you know a couple of years into university/college. That’s, I think, how we had sort of set it up. And yes, so then at one point—

If we’re going to do this in chronological order, not in the order that we had sort of meandered our way to it, but the order that makes actual chronological sense for a listener: so, Wei Wuxian and Nie Huisang are talking at some point and Nie Huisang brings up the idea of like a virginity pact type deal.

And so he's the one who puts the idea in Wei Wuxian’s head I think is what we had decided. And then Wei Wuxian brings this to Jiang Cheng and is like, “We need to get laid. Tonight.”

VORVAYNE: And then it gets sort of weirdly competitive and argumentative and I think one of them—was it Jiang Cheng—like that we decided he was like, “Great. I can't like,” sighs, “I can't just, I don't know, stumble into a relationship at some point not having fucked anyone before.” Because let's be real. You can imagine that particularly given canon he just sort of like, I don't know. He's really busy somehow and then he's like 35, and he's like, “Shit. I'm still a virgin. What do I do now?” So he's weirdly on board with this plan because he's like, “Right. I’m going to get this over with so that I know roughly what I'm doing going forward. There's not that weird virginity hurdle to hurdle. Cool. Fine. I guess we’re doing this.”

And then Wei Wuxian is like a hilarious disaster, of course, because he's like a total romantic.

OPALSONG: But he doesn’t think he’s a total romantic.

VORVAYNE: He doesn’t know. Yet.

OPALSONG: Yeah. So, he's like, “Of course, we're gonna go to Huisang’s raging party and we're gonna both get laid and I'm gonna pull all the hot ladies and I'm gonna just like Have Sex.”

And Jiang Cheng is being very very like, “Okay. This is a means to an end. I don't want to be a virgin in my thirties and that is—like I can see this for myself. I have run the numbers, and that is what is going to happen. If I do not have sex right now. Tonight.”

VORVAYNE: He’s being sensible, you know.

OPALSONG: Yeah. Yeah. And then somehow Yanli gets involved in this as well. Because, like, it's a Jiang sibling virginity pact, and she's in the room or something, and somehow she's like, “Well, I'll do it.” I think, I think maybe Wei Wuixan brings it up and Jiang Cheng is like, “What the fuck? No, that's weird.” And then Yanli is like, “Well. I'm down.”

VORVAYNE: And so there were two versions of this. One of them is the very sensible one that you had first presented, which, was you know, it’s like a dare, and they have to go out and get laid. And if not there's, like, a hilarious forfeit like, I don’t know, they give [unintelligble] money. I completely misinterpreted and thought you meant that the pact was like, oh, yeah. If they don't have sex, then they have to fuck each other.

OPALSONG: Yes.

VORVAYNE: Which—

OPALSONG: is amazing

VORVAYNE: You can [unintelligible] if you like

OPALSONG: So I'm not sure how I feel about Yanli being involved in that part of it.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, no that’s—

OPALSONG: However, she is fully intending on getting laid in any case. So she's not worried that she's going to have to like have sex with her brothers. However, definitely between Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng there is this agreement of: if you don't get laid tonight we’ll fuck each other, and therefore we still won't be virgins and it will all be fine.

VORVAYNE: Yeah, maybe like they, when they’re actually at the party, Jiang Cheng has downed his miscellaneous unpleasant alcohol and is like, “Forget it. I'm really fucking determined. Like if this doesn’t go forward there’s a forfeit and the forfeit is…,” you know. And Wei Wuxian has never once in his life backed down from a dare. Which is how he got most of his scars. And so he goes along with it like the big old fool he is.

OPALSONG: Or no. Oh my gosh! They mention to someone else, like a third party. I'm not sure. I don't think it's Nie Huisang. I think it's someone else. They mention this virginity pact business to some dude. (Because, of course, they're both looking to pull ladies, of course.) And so they mention to this like random dude who's like, “ooooh,” and who interprets it like you interpreted it.

And of course neither of them can back down at that point from this random person who has now dared them to fuck each other if they don't get laid tonight. Because neither of these boys is at all, like, able to make functional decisions.

VORVAYNE: Yep. Yeah. I love this. Okay. This is the canon of this story now; I have decided.

OPALSONG: Yes. Yes. Okay, and so here is where I remember what happens to Wei Wuxian, and I remember what happens to Jiang Yanli, but I entirely forget what happened to Jiang Cheng. So do we want to cover Jiang Yanli first?

VORVAYNE: Sure. I feel like I remember what happens to everyone but that's [unintelligible].

OPALSONG: Ok. Well, I will need your help with Jiang Cheng, but I figure we can do him last. Because from what I remember, he was kind of the bulk of the story. Because Jiang Cheng.

So, Jiang Yanli, she goes to this party and she has promised her brothers that she will actually lose her virginity. And she is very determined to lose her virginity to Jin Zixuan. Basically, this is her telling herself that she is going to pull tonight. She is going to finally get him to ask her out on a date. Because she keeps sort of like failing out at the last moment to actually push the issue with him. They've been dancing around it for a while. And so she tries and she tries to get him to have sex with her and just… She's actually trying this this time. She's not failing out; she's going full force.

VORVAYNE: Jin Zixuan is a massive failboat and probably both can't quite get over himself and also genuinely wants to take her on some sweet chaste dates first. And, like, isn't in any way mentally, emotionally prepared for a Jiang Yanli who actually wants to bang him right now. He probably—he's too terrified to cope with this life. So….

OPALSONG: Yes, and also there's a bit of the like—he's still a little bit stuck up. But mostly he really wants to take her out on sweet dates and has this whole eight step plan of how this is going to go when he finally decides that it's going to go.

VORVAYNE: But it's, it's not! And, and she's ruined the script‽ And so he doesn’t know what to do with this, so he just kind of panics. Blankly. So yeah, the way that it came out was that Yanli sort of changed her tack a little bit and starts hitting on Mianmian. And possibly Mianmian notices this and is like, “Hey, I see that, you know, I see a hot lady who clearly, you know, has a goal in mind. Maybe I should hit on her. Maybe.”

OPALSONG: And also I think Mianmian is doing it both because Yanli is hot—and yeah, obviously angling to get laid—but also because she is Jin Zixuan's best friend and is actually trying to wingman him by making him jealous. And trying to make him jealous and also make him see Jiang Yanli in a sexual light. And she is trying her best. And also, Yanli is hot, so, like, win-win here. And Yanli gets it. She's like, “Oh! We're doing this now to make Zixuan jealous. Okay, I'm down. I can flirt with ladies.”

VORVAYNE: And then I think it ends up that Mianmian and Yanli do bang. And, like, Jin Zixuan is in the room but doesn’t participate and is just, like, quietly dying.

OPALSONG: Yes, because so Yanli and Mianmian, it's basically like oneupping/gay chicken, only they're both into it. And the gay chicken is actually Zixuan.

VORVAYNE: Zixuan is the chicken.

OPALSONG: Zixuan is the chicken! Like, they're trying to get him to break. So they end up—. Eventually Mianmian and Yanli are like, “Well, fuck this noise. If he's not going to make a move, we are going to get it on because we have gotten this far. Hands are in shirts at this point, and we want to do this thing.” So they end up in someone's bedroom, and they're just like, “Well, we're gonna go bang.” And Zixuan is like, “But no. Your virtue…? Noooo.” They're just like, “Yeah, you know, you're welcome to come by when you're ready. But we're gonna do the thing.” And I think it takes him a couple of minutes of just like sort of standing there with his red beer cup at this party, kind of staring into space after they leave. And then he wanders up to the room because they can't actually be having sex. Like, there's no way they’re actually having sex.

VORVAYNE: They’re just trying to make fun of him.

OPALSONG: Yes, exactly. And so he knocks on the door, and, I don't know which lady answers, but one of them yells like, “If you're not Jin Zixuan, go away.” And he's like, “Okay. I am Jin Zixuan.” And they're like, “Well, we told you you were invited.” So he opens the door, and, no, they're—they're actually having sex, and he's like, “Um!,” because that's a lot of Lady Flesh on display. And like boobs and bits! And Mianmian is—

VORVAYNE: He was like so nearly over his little tiny baby childhood crush on Mianmian. He'd forgotten about it for years. Unfortunately, maybe now it’s back a little bit and it's, it's all [sighs]

OPALSONG: And then Mianmian is like, “Look, either get in and close the door or get out and close the door. This isn't a show for everyone.” And he just kind of like shuts the door because that's the clear order that she gave him. Only, he's on the inside of the door, and he just kind of stands there, and, as they keep going, he just kind of like sinks down into a chair in the corner of the room. And doesn’t know what to do with himself but can't stop. watching. Because it's so good, but also it feels really disrespectful to jerk off. So he just kind of quietly dies in the corner while the two of them have fun.

VORVAYNE: Perfect. I'd say that's Yanli evening.

OPALSONG: And the next morning he takes them out, both of them out, on the sappiest date ever.

VORVAYNE: Yes, good.

OPALSONG: Yes, he properly is like, “I basically had sex with you. We need to, like, actually court!” and both girls are like, “Oh honey.”

VORVAYNE: “You've been reading too many, like, I don't know, historical novels or some shit. What have you been reading? I don't know.”

OPALSONG: Yeah. Yeah. But they talk it out, and Yanli now has a girlfriend and a boyfriend. She did well for herself at this party.

VORVAYNE: She did real well. The pact works out well for her.

OPALSONG: Yeah!

VORVAYNE: Slightly less so, depending on your personal definition of well, for either of our disaster bisexual boys.

OPALSONG: Oh disaster bisexual boys. Okay, do we? Actually, I kind of want to do Jiang Cheng next because Wei Wuxian, he's like the butt of the joke.

So. So. What—. Because what I remember from Jiang Cheng's part of the story is that Huisang had mentioned this to Wei Wuxian specifically because Huisang wanted to get with Jiang Cheng. It's like he's trying to pull Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Cheng is just Not. Aware. Of This. Huisang is his friend. He's his friend, and they're great friends. And so Huisang put this all together and Huisang spends the entire evening, like, trying to pull, and it just doesn't work. That's the only thing that I can remember about Jiang Cheng. I forget who Jiang Cheng actually sleeps with.

VORVAYNE: Ok. It was glorious! And it was your idea.

OPALSONG: Yes. Oh I’m sure.

VORVAYNE: Readers [sic] should know that this is your glorious idea. So, basically we had this whole long discussion about how Jiang Cheng does not in any way notice romantic or sexual interest in him unless you walk up to him and say, “I want to have sex with you.” And so Huisang is not—. He's doing everything but that. But, yeah, he doesn't do this. So Jiang Cheng, he spends, you know, some time flirting with women, and then a little later in the evening—.

OPALSONG: Oh, right. He spends a lot of time flirting with women, but never actually sealing the deal. Because he just doesn't realize, I think maybe, that they're ready to seal the deal or something. Or it feels a little disingenuous or for whatever reason.

VORVAYNE: And then yeah, then the Lan Brothers show up, Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji with Nie Mingjue, who was only out getting beer or something. And I missed how this actually happened. Like are Lan Xichen and Nie Minjue already in a relationship or something? But basically one of them straight-up walks up to Jiang Cheng and is like, “Do you want to fuck?” And then they have a threesome. With Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue.

OPALSONG: [groans of furious agreement]

VORVAYNE: And Nie Huisang is so mad! He’s like SO mad. Like, in the morning, he’s like so mad with Mingjue and he’s like, “How‽ I have been trying to get him to notice for months. How‽ How did you do this?” Nie Mingjue is just like, “Yeah, we just went up and asked.”

OPALSONG: Okay. Okay, so to expand on this a little bit because this is glorious. So yeah, Mingjue was actually out getting Xichen and Wangji. Like he was picking them up. And also probably picking up more beer or whatever. Letting his little bro’s party get started and run without him for a bit. He doesn't need to be the hover-y, you know, pseudo-parent here.

So they get back, and it's been going around that the Jiangs have a virginity—that the Jiang boys have a virginity pact going on. Because they mentioned it when they got there. So it’s been kind of going around the party that this is a thing. So girls have been coming up to the Jiang boys and talking to them about it and flirting with them and that sort of thing. And Jiang Cheng, like he's been flirting with girls.

But none of them have straight up said I want to have sex with you. So he doesn't ever know whether they whether they're flirting or whether they are just really interested in whatever they're talking about. I don't know, Jiang Cheng has some weird hobby or something. Or like math class or something. Anyway, he just assumes that they're really into that and not that they're flirting or anything and even if they are—like the one girl who starts using straight up porn lines on him. He kind of gets it at that point, but he's like, “This feels really disingenuous to just take her back to just sleep with her.” Even though that is, you know, to everyone else, clearly what she is angling for.

But he's like, “I don't knoooooooow.”

So the Lan and Mingjue party gets there. They come in and they're just kind of hanging out. And then somebody is like, “Did you hear?” Like, Xichen—like, they're just all in the kitchen and someone's like, “Did you hear the Jiangs are trying to pull and failing hard‽” [Everyone’s] like, “It should be easy. They have a virginity pact. And yet!”

 And Mingjue is like, “Oh, that's easy. I could pull him, like, no problem.”

And Huisang is like, “Dage! What‽”

And Xichen’s like, “Yeah. Yeah, I can see it. I can see it. Like, we could do this.” Or Xichen’s like, “Ah, Mingjue. You can't pull him without me. Like, we're partners.”

And Mingjue’s like, “Well, if I successfully pulled, you want to also fuck him? We can have that threesome you've been angling for since forever.”

And Xichen’s like, “Huh. Yeah, okay.”

And so Mingjue is just—he goes up and he's like, “Hey, do you want me and Xichen to take your virginity? Like, we're both down. We want you. You're hot.”

And Jiang Cheng is like, “Oh God. He's so attractive. And Xichen is so pretty. They can't possibly want me.” And he's like, “You, you can't—.”

And Mingjue is like, “We want to fuck you. We have lube and condoms in my bedroom. Are you ready?”

And Jiang Cheng is like, “Yes, sir.” Just kind of like wanders away with them and just—.

Huisang is so angry.

VORVAYNE: Because the thing that they were supposed to do with that information was tell Huisang so that he could execute on this plan. Mingjue wished to really, you know, emphasize the lesson that, you know, sometimes people really need you to be direct with them. Because he's a good guy brother. It's a teaching moment.

OPALSONG: “Teachable moment.” And, also, he freely like—. Jiang Cheng is hot, okay? He's very attractive. And, also, Mingjue is not certain that—like he's pretty sure his brother has had sex before but not 100%. And he wants Jiang Cheng to have a good time. Because Yanli would never forgive him, if Jiang Cheng did not have a good first time, and he had the ability to make it so.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. And, like, maybe they have some classes together, Mingjue and Yanli. And people know that you don't piss off Yanli. She is the glue that holds some of their classes together and she is lovely and she is sweet. And there have been some people that have upset her and they just have a horrible time thereafter. And no one can quite tell, like, what's happened to them. But, uh, things just kind of go wrong with them, and, um, yeah.

OPALSONG: Yeah. I'm definitely seeing Yanli and Xichen and Mingjue as kind of the Harry, Ron, and Hermione of this universe. They're the trio that hang out together a lot.

VORVAYNE: Yeah, I can see that. It's so lovely, isn’t it?

OPALSONG: Like they're friends. They're the old—and they started hanging out together because their siblings were hanging around each other a lot. But they have formed a good bond and friendship. And Mingjue knows you just don't piss off Yanli. So he's like, “If I had the chance to give her baby brother the best first time, and set the bar real high. Well, I got to do it. Huisang, you're gonna have to work harder.”

VORVAYNE: So that’s what happens to Jiang Cheng.

OPALSONG: And Jiang Cheng, he comes out the next morning and is just like wobbly-legged and wide-eyed, and his mind has been opened (along with other things.) He is just very open at this point.

VORVAYNE: And he's, like, covered in hickies and what has even happened to his hair? He looks like he's seen a new dimension, maybe a little bit? And so that's where temporarily we leave Jiang Cheng.

And we turn to Wei Wuxian, who—Bless his little cold socks. God.

OPALSONG: Such a failboat.

VORVAYNE: He's pretty good at flirting. He’s one of those people that flirts like breathing. He’s just one of those people that’s so like friendly and into people that even when he's not intentionally flirting, it seems like he's flirting. But also then he can actually flirt. But he has zero follow-through. Like none.

OPALSONG: Zeeeero.

VORVAYNE: And he keeps being like, “Well, you know, it just wasn’t the right time.” Or, you know, like, “I don’t know, I was busy.” Or like, “She just wasn't my type,” or whatever. But I mean, of course, then Lan Wangji turns up and Wei Wuxain, he goes—

OPALSONG: So just to break in for a moment. So, unlike Jiang Cheng, who doesn't actually realize that people are flirting with him all evening. Like, he just has no idea. Wei Wuxian knows that people are flirting and just keeps coming up with excuses as to why he's not following through. He knows that people are flirting with him. He's flirting back intentionally. He just, yeah, it wasn't…he just, you know, he wanted another drink first. Or, like, there was a really interesting conversation in the next room or yeah. She just wasn't his type or yes. Yes, he knows what he's doing; only, he doesn't actually know what he's doing.

VORVAYNE: He is. A disaster.

OPALSONG: Such a disaster

VORVAYNE: And then he's flirting with some girls. Probably. He's going fine. It's going well. It's like all of the other times, and then Mingjue shows up with both the Lans. And he immediately just like ditches whoever he's talking to annoy Lan Wangji. And Wei Wuxian is the only person at this entire party that doesn't know how bad he has it for Lan Wangji, except possibly Lan Wangji.

OPALSONG: Yes. Yes. Lan Wangji is the other person that doesn't know how bad Wei Wuxian has it for Lan Wangji. I was gonna say I think—. So, Lan Xichen knows about this virginity pact, and Lan Xichen is kind of hoping that that will push his brother into actually making a move. Because eventually, in Lan Xichen’s mind (and in most people's minds here), they're all like, “Okay, virginity pact. Lan Wangji has appeared. Either one of two things is going to happen (one) Wei Wuxian is going to flirt with a bunch of girls; Lan Wangji is going to get like jealous, and angry, and therefore drag Wei Wuxian off into a room or, possibly, just down onto a couch in the middle of the entire party, and take his virginity himself. Or, Wei Wuxian is going to flirt with Lan Wangji, and they'll actually—it'll get to a point where he's like, ‘Oh no, I have to deal with my virginity pact. Hey, Lan Zhan! You’re right here.’” They figure at least one of these two things will happen. Spoilers: neither happen.

VORVAYNE: Because here’s the thing: they’re both such virgins. Like, an older Lan Wangji probably would drag Wei Wuxian into a closet, but he is just sort of young and full of Gay Panic (not panic about being gay, just panic while being gay, you know.)

OPALSONG: Yes, yes. He is gay and he is panicking.

VORVAYNE: Yes! All the gays among us relate, probably. I don’t know. And so they just—it’s horribly awkward. I just remember there's this conversation that we sort of set up where Jiang Cheng is chatting amiably to all the three that have arrived, and Wei Wuxian shows up having ditched these people that wanted to sleep with him to immediately latch himself onto Lan Wangji’s arm slash side. And Jiang Cheng makes some comment like, “Oh my God, you're…you're…you're horribly embarrassing. And, also, if you keep ditching girls to hang off Lan Wangji’s arm, you’re not going to get laid.” Which, I mean, Jiang Cheng, look at yourself, please. But also—

OPALSONG: He will not.

VORVAYNE: He will not. But also! Everyone sort of pauses and there's an awkward laugh. And then Wei Wuxian says something absolutely stupid like and completely unselfaware. Like, “Oh but Lan Zhan is so much more interesting than girls,” and, “Oh, but I will go back and flirt later and deal with that later. I wanted to do it to Lan Zhan.”

OPALSONG: Or like, “Lan Zhan is so much more interesting than girls, and girls like Lan Zhan. So, like, Lan Zhan will just help me pull later.” It's, like, Wei Wuxian. [groans]

VORVAYNE: You’re so close! To understanding.

OPALSONG: So close. And Lan Wangji is a little bit sad and resigned to his fate in that, like, [sadly], yeah, if Wei Wuxian wants to pull later he guesses he'll help because that is what will make A-xian happy.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. Yep.

OPALSONG: I mean, it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. Don't worry, Lan Wangji. Your boy is not that self-aware.

VORVAYNE: The trouble of course is that Lan Wangji not only has not had sex because he is—I mean personally I sort of generally headcanon Lan Wangji is kind of like the kind of person who like sees someone and imprints on them and then doesn’t really want other people.

But, also, because he's extremely intimidating and doesn't really—has like a resting bitch face. And people try and hit on him because he's beautiful but then they get halfway through a sentence and then are like, “Oh shit. I'm so sorry. You're looking at me…like I've just tried to murder your brother. I'm gonna go. Right now. Please don't kill me.”

OPALSONG: And mostly Lan Wangji is like, “I don't get what you're saying.” Like, this is his confused face, not his angry face. And so he has a lot of encounters with people that he just doesn't get.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. He’s just like, “I don’t really understand what happened right then. But, I mean, people are confusing. This is why I have three friends. ”

Anyway, the way that this comes out is that Wei Wuxian does not sleep with anyone that evening.

OPALSONG: Because he's way too busy bothering Lan Wangji.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. However, the virginity pact is of course still in effect. So the next morning when Jiang Yanli leaves with her partners and Jiang Cheng, like—

OPALSONG: Which, let's just take a moment to imagine Jiang Cheng sitting in the kitchen, just looking like he has discovered Atlantis. Wei Wuxian sitting in the kitchen, pouting a little. Or possibly not pouting a little, and just talking Lan Wangji’s ear off like he has been literally all night. Nie Huisang is sitting on the trashed couch, just going, “What the fuck happened with my life? I had a plan; it failed so hard.” And Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen kind of generally puttering around and making breakfast together like the old marrieds that they are.

And then, into this Jiang Yanli swans down, like glowing, obviously having been well fucked. MianMian at her side and Jin Zixuan kind of like trailing after them, like, “What do I do with my life? What—how did I get here?,” and trying to insist that he take them out for breakfast and the girls going, “Yeah. Sure. Okay.” And they just swan through. Yanli going like, “Good morning, A-xian. Good morning, A-chang. Did you have nice nights?”

VORVAYNE: But yeah, it's glorious. They swan out. They swan down, they swan out. Jin Zixuan follows them out looking like a confused lost deer.

OPALSONG: But also like he has also seen Atlantis. Like, everything he ever wanted is right there, but he just couldn't reach out and touch it.

VORVAYNE: A moment of silence in the ground floor of the house and then everyone is like, “So!

OPALSONG: And I think that's the impetus for one of them, probably Nie Mingjue or Lan Xichen, probably Lan Xichen actually (troll) to go like, “So, how did the virginity pact turn out?” Obviously angling for his brother to tell him that he fucked Wei Wuxian.

And Wei Wuxian perks up and is like, “Oh yeah, Jiang Cheng.” Something about like—because Wei Wuxian has completely missed the fact that Jiang Cheng got laid last night. He was way too busy bothering Lan Wangji to acknowledge that whole scene in the living room.

VORVAYNE: Oh boy.

OPALSONG: So he perks up and is like, “Oh, yeah, Jiang Cheng, I guess we're gonna have to like kiss or whatever.”

Jiang Cheng is like, “I—I got laid. Did you not get laid?”

VORVAYNE: “Can you not tell? Can you not tell by the massive hickies on m—“

And for the first time Wei Wuxian looks away from Lan Wangji and actually looks at Jiang Cheng and is like, “Oh shit.”

OPALSONG: “Wow. What?”

VORVAYNE: “Okay.”

OPALSONG: “Like who? What—what girl did you go to?”

Oh, Jiang Cheng is not sitting at the kitchen table. He is actually very much not sitting at anything. Conspicuously not sitting, one might say.

VORVAYNE: Leaning possibly slightly achily against the breakfast bar.

OPALSONG: Yes. Yes. His butt jutting out just a little bit, just to kind of like try to get all that, uh, pressure off the lower back there.

Nie Huisang is continuingly. Not happy.

VORVAYNE: No, he’s he's like—

OPALSONG: He’s pouty.

VORVAYNE: He's very quietly internally screaming and may be plotting revenge.

OPALSONG: Like, he's happy for Jiang Cheng. He obviously had a good time; like, very obviously, he had a good time. Huisang is super happy that his brother and his brother's boyfriend showed his crush a very good time. But also, “Dage, you are dead to me!”

VORVAYNE: So I'm not sure how exactly this happens. Probably Wei Wuxian laughs awkwardly and makes a comment about the virginity pact, and then Jiang Chiang sort of winces and says, “Fuck, I guess I'll have to do it. At least I know what I'm doing now. Sort of.”

And then Lan Wangji is visibly incredibly angry about this, because, I mean, maybe he thought Wei Wuxian was straight or something? But—

OPALSONG: Yeah. So, Wei Wuxian makes some awkward comment about like, “Haha. I guess we'll actually have to do the thing. Because virginity pact. And I never go back on my word.” Kind of like daring Jiang Cheng to be the one to bow out at this point because Jiang Cheng is going to have to fuck him.

And Jiang Cheng is like, “Well, at least one of us knows what we're doing.” Clearly not backing down.

And then, Lan Wangji, I feel like, even if he didn't think Wei Wuxian was straight (or had hoped that he wasn't straight), he had kind of made his peace with the fact that Wei Wuxian would eventually have a girlfriend. And like, it's not—it wasn't good. But if Wei Wuxian only ever looked at girls then Lan Wangji never had a chance. Like, he kind of made his peace with that. “But, but if Wei Wuxian is now talking about sleeping with Jiang Cheng, his adoptive…brother, foster brother, whatever. This is not okay! This is no longer okay!”

And then I think Wei Wuxian says something hilariously tone deaf to his own wants and needs, something like, “Well, haha. Yeah, I guess. You know, it's like someone has to do it, and if it's not—? Who in this room would do that? Would sleep with me? I guess I have to take you up on your offer. Because I have to lose my virginity before I leave this house, I guess.”

VORVAYNE: [nearly in tears] Wei Wuxian? Please? Have some self-awareness. Any at all, really, about your own emotional needs. Thanks.

OPALSONG: And that's when Lan Wangji is like, “I'll do it.”

And Wei Wuxian is like, “What‽ Lan Zhan, did you say something?”

And Lan Wangji is like, “I will do it. I will,” you know, “we—“ something like, “I will take your virginity,” or… Oh, yeah, he says something like that.

And Wei Wuxian is like, “Haha, Lan Zhan. You don't need to do that for me. Besides, aren't you also a virgin? I would feel so bad taking, you know, that, that special one from—like, that, special time from you.”

And he's like, “But I want it to be Wei Wuxian. I want it to be Wei Ying.”

And Wei Wuxian is like, “But‽ But‽ Lan Zhan! What?” And he's like, “I mean—oh!”

And Lan Wangji is like, “Does Wei Ying…not…want? Me?”

And Wei Wuxian is like, “Haha, of course, of anybody in this house, I would trust you the most with taking my virginity. I mean, even of all the other people, you know, that were here last night. Like I mean, you're the one I would trust the most to do that.”

And Lan Wangji just kind of like nods. And then drags him into a bedroom. Is like, “OK, Wei Ying, I will make it so.”

And Wei Wuxian is like, “What? Are you serious? What‽ Lan Zhan! Whaaaaat‽” And then Wei Wuxian has some feelings.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. Like, he’s been having feelings this entire time, but—

OPALSONG: But he realizes that he has feelings at that point.

VORVAYNE: Yeah, like he has so many feelings all of the time, that being Wei Wuxian must sort of just be like surfing, you know. You can’t really think too hard about like the waves and shit, otherwise, you'll fall off. You're just gonna have to sort of skate over the surface and hope for the best and not look too hard at anything.

I think while all this conversation is happening like everyone—like Wei Wuxian definitely doesn’t notice—but everyone else just kind of conspicuously goes very quiet while they listen to this conversation. I feel like Xichen is prepared to intervene because he can not take this anymore. Like, he's been coping with this for years. He's been like, “It’s fine. It's fine! I don't want to encourage them to do anything when they're too young anyway. They can just dance around each other for a little while longer…for a little while longer…for a little while longer. Okay. Oh my God, guys, please hurry up. Guys. Guys. Why? Why are you like this?”

But fortunately—

OPALSONG:  And Nie Mingjue is physically holding Xichen back at this point.

VORVAYNE: It's, like, hand hooked in the back of his belt.

OPALSONG: Yeah, possibly at one point, he  cups a hand over his mouth when Xichen really wants to burst out with like, “He likes you, you idiot!” So, he’s there, basically hugging Xichen from behind, hand over his mouth.

Jiang Cheng is incredibly distracted by that image because he knows things now. He knows how certain things feel, and, oh…

VORVAYNE: He’s just having to do some deep breathing right now. That's okay. He just sort of envisions there being a lot of deep breathing in his near future.

OPALSONG: Yep. Yep. And, also, he doesn't really want to watch his brother mushily, finally realize that he has a thing for Lan Wangji. Like, he doesn't really want to be here while this is happening.

VORVAYNE: He would much rather, for example, be back upstairs in the very nice bedroom.

OPALSONG: Yes, oh, yes. He would actually rather be upstairs to—a lot of things. A lot of things he rather thought [were] very important. And now, that bed. And the people in it. And, woooooow. He needs to process.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. Yeah. And I think in the next day, when they're over their respective shit, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng will get around to being like, [gasp] “Jiang Yanli‽” and will like, go ask Lan Xichen—

OPALSONG: No! It takes them a full week.

VORVAYNE: To realize

OPALSONG: It is, like, the next weekend and Jiang Yanli shows up. I mean, not that they haven't seen her. They've seen her every day and they've even seen her with MianMian and Jin Zixuan. But they specifically go to dinner or to Huisang’s next party or whatever, and, she shows up with both of them. And suddenly the previous Saturday morning flashes in both of their minds and they're like, “YANLI!”

VORVAYNE: They have an extremely belated freak out.

OPALSONG: Yes. Over the fact that their sister is now, “Dating (question mark)? Sleeping with? Definitely. But, no, Yanli, you’re our sister! You're like pure! And our sister! And, and …!”

And she's like, “You knew that this was going to happen. Get over it.”

VORVAYNE: Yep. There was a pact. And MianMian deals with all of this in a very chill, “Ah, they’re your cute younger brothers; they’re looking after you,” kind of way. Well, Jin Zixuan absolutely does not deal with it well. He's just  making angry faces and being really bad with people. Like he is as a person.

OPALSONG: Yeah. Yeah. He still has not gotten laid.

VORVAYNE: Extra note! In the original conception of this notfic, I think Opal had suggested that maybe Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji end up banging Wei Wuxian. But I actually kind of like this extremely sweet version! Like, I'm just gonna be a massive [inaudible] for five minutes and be like [inaudible], I really liked the way it turned out! It’s real cute.

OPALSONG: Yeah. It is really cute.

VORVAYNE: And also kind of gross, because they're real loud, and everyone can hear. And Xichen is like, “Wait, wait, wait! I take everything back. I take it all back.”

OPALSONG: “I want them pining again! NO!”

VORVAYNE: “I didn't need to know that much about my brother’s sex life. I really didn’t.”

OPALSONG: [shudders] And Huisang is just—Oh, Huisang. Your life is so hard.

VORVAYNE: It is.

OPALSONG: Yeah. After the Jiang siblings and the Lans—well, the Jiang siblings are gone, and, with them, Lan Wangji, because there's no way he's letting go of Wei Wuxian’s hand in the next century.

Huisang, like, droops his way to the kitchen table, and, like, flops over it, and is like, “Dage. How could you?”

And Mingjue is like, “Teachable moment, didi, teachable moment.”

Eventually in this universe Huisang does actually successfully get Jiang Cheng into his bed, and it's lovely for everyone.

VORVAYNE: Does he occasionally still have a threesome with Mingjue and Xichen? I think that was an idea floated in the original.

OPALSONG: I mean, maybe. Possibly. I don't know. This one is much more sweet, I think, than the original.

VORVAYNE: Yeah. Yeah, our original conception went in a few weird directions and I was never—like all of them were awesome. And interesting. But, I don’t know, this feels like the platonic ideal version of—that we were going for. And I really like it. I like it a lot.

OPALSONG: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think, I think Huisang figures out how to use his direct words and actually go, “Hey, Jiang Cheng. I would like to date you. And have sex with you. Check yes or no.”

And Jiang Cheng is like, “Wait, what? You want to what? With whom?”

And Huisang is like, “Take it or leave it. I want it.”

And Jiang Cheng is like, “Um, yes, if you—I guess.” And so, then they do. They go out on some dates and they have awesome kinky sex.

And Nie Mingjue is happy for his brother. And he and Lan Xichen, eventually, you know, find a new twink for their bed. (cough,  Meng Yao.) You know. [whispers] As you do.

VORVAYNE: Yep.

OPALSONG: In any case, they're all happy.

VORVAYNE: Yeah, this went in so many excellent directions.

OPALSONG: Yes. Okay. The end.

VORVAYNE: We did it! The END!

Katie Perry, et al:

Chilling, laid-back, straight stunting
Yeah, we do it like that
This is how we do, do-do-do-do
This is how we do
This is how we do, yeah
Chilling, laid-back, straight stunting
Yeah, we do it like that
This is how we do, do-do-do-do
This is how we do

(This is how we do)
This goes out to all you people
Going to bed with a 10, and waking up with a 2
(This is how we do)
Ha, not me!

This is how we do, yeah
Chilling, laid-back, straight stunting
Yeah, we do it like that
This is how we do, do-do-do-do
What? Wait
No no no no, bring the beat back
That's right
This is how we do
Uh-oh
This is how we do
Uh-oh

OPALSONG: If you enjoyed this podfic, you can find us on AO3 and leave some feedback. You can find this podfic at Archive of Our Own dot org slash user slash opalsong.

VORVAYNE: Or, Archive of Our Own slash users slash vorvayne.

OPALSONG: Thanks for listening!