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you, heartbreaker

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Si had something that normal people didn’t, Renton didn’t knew what it was but it was definitely something that made everyone notice when she enter and left a room. All stares.

It was more that just being beautiful, with her long bleached hair,  because she wanted to look like Marylin Monroe, her plumped lips and the way she played with the strawberry gum she always had on her.

She looked good drunk, she looked beautiful crying, she looked beautiful running, fucking hell she even looked good throwing up.

It was weird, how it wasn’t just something related to her beauty. It was more like an energy that surrounded her, even when she wasn’t on her best moments.

Lately she would be at 2am knocking on Renton window waiting for her to let her in, a bruise on her cheek, Renton didn’t had to ask, his son of a bitch father had hit her again.

Also, the dark circles around her eyes were more prominent as ever, her cheekbones were more defined because she had lost a few pounds in the matter of just of a month. Renton knew she wasn’t eating. Si relationship’s with food had always been messy, but lately it had become something to worry about.

‘’Im fine sunshine, I just had an apple and a cereal’’ Si would tell her when they were smoking behind the stairs of the gym and she looked like she was gonna faint.

But Si was always okay.

‘’Im always okay, im the queen of being okay’’ she had told Spud one day, when she had been crying in the bathroom at a party and Spud asked why. Renton knew why.

Spud was the only guy friend who was kind and sweet enough to let him be around them. He never made comments about how they looked or if he wanted to kiss them or shag them.

They made a friend of Tommy paid to watch them make out tho, his name was Begbie and was older than all of them. Si convinced him Rents while saying that with that money they would get her own weed and wouldn’t have to keep ask him Renton’s brother to hook them up with some guy who sold em pure shit.

‘’And he was fingering me and his nails were a little long so it hurted, then he asked me to suck him off but I was too tired so I told him my dad had call me and wanted me home inmmediatly’’ Si was telling, they both were walking in the middle of the train tracks back from school. A loud ‘’SMACK’’ coming from Si’s exploded bubblegum. Renton was listening with attention the night of his friend, she hadn’t go to that party because one of Si’s hookups was gonna be there and when that happened Renton was completely ignored and she felt a sting of jeaolusy that she preferred to push back into the abyss of her mind.

‘’You coming tonight right baby?’’ Si asked, chewing the pendant of his necklace, she had the sun and Renton had the moon.

She didn’t mind when Si called her ‘’baby’’ or all the cute nicknames she had for her. She had no complains about it, only a weird feeling on her belly every time Si told her ‘’see you later beautiful’’

‘’Was Michael gonna be there?’’ Renton asked. Michael was the guy Si was talking about just a few minutes before.

‘’Ugh. No. He is going away to London for some seminary or something’’

Si liked older guys. But overall, she liked guys, so any thought that might walked around Renton’s head late at night when she couldn’t sleep and she watched all the pictures and vids she had with Si, was wiped away quickly with that ‘’she doesn’t like girls. Not even a chance’’ And also it wasn’t like Renton had fully accepted that she had a crush on her.

‘’Yeah im going, pick you up at nine?’’

‘’You got it baby’’ and with that Si took the left and kept walking home before turning around and shouting ‘’And wear something cute for me’’ with a cocky smile.

God, she was such a dick. Always so cocky and flirty and weird, having all people wrapped around her finger.

Renton blushed even tho she knew that Si meant ‘’wear something nice, sexy and FEMININE for once, please, I beg you’’ since she couldn’t be more in disagree with Renton tomboy-like style. When Renton asked her to help her shave her head Si didn’t agree until Renton promised her to bought her a bottle of whiskey and to listen and dance the whole new Dua Lipa album with her. Nothing could be more tortuous than that, they even didn’t match on music taste, or clothes, or boys, or anything. Renton couldn’t know what made her so attracted to her, why she was her best friend, but when they were together, the weird and liberating bliss she felt made her know that it didn’t matter why they got so along, they simply did.


Renton made her best to look good for Si, it was weird how that sounded. She wore a little purple dress that left too much too see but made it look a lot more casual with combat boots and a black denim jacket.

‘’Yes God YES’’ Si told her when she saw her, and if she blushed who cares?

The party was fine, they were dancing with Spud, smoking and drinking beer and scaring guys away cus they weren’t in the mood for ending with ‘’their ugly filthy nails inside my fuckin pussy’’ as Renton had said while walking towards the door of the house.

Si had a new bruise that she had covered with enough concealer on her arm, Renton noticed, she always noticed.

When Si saw that Renton was looking at her arm she threw her a huge smile and asked the common ‘’can I crash at your place tonight?’’ yes Si, you always can.

After a while dancing they went to the kitchen for something to eat, miraculous enough Si wanted to eat something in front of everybody.

‘’Fuck im starving’’

‘’Me too, whats good?’’


‘’Im gonna puke’’

‘’Yeah me too, oh look!’’

A box of cookies was on top of the microwave

‘’Fucking bingo!’’

They started to eat, the cookies were little and had a strong taste.

‘’Damn you two are damn crazy’’ a masculine voice said entering the kitchen.

They were used to hear that.

‘’What you saying?’’

‘’That weed is gonna fuck you up, you ate way too much’’

Si and Rents looked at each other with the sudden realization that they were eating magic cookies and were to get fucked up, maybe more fucked up than never.

‘’Maybe we should throw up’’ Si suggested, throwing the box over the microwave again.

Renton grabbed Si’s face, slowly feeling the effects.

‘’We are not such pussies, we gonna get fucked up, we gonna dance some more, we gonna walk home talking about your fucking theories about life and then we gonna sleep like babies’’

Si nodded. And with a little grin she ate another cookie and held Renton’s hand with determination walking out of the kitchen.

And just as Rents have said, they were fucked up. They broke the karaoke, they danced in top of the tables, they pretended to be the host of a date show in which they tried to pair Spud with a girl he liked since a while ago called Gayle. It worked, and they named themselves ‘’the cupid ones’’


The sun was starting to come up and they decided to walk home.


‘’All im saying is that Warhol was a little bitch of course Americans would love him Americans love every little shit they see as long as it fits with a persona that they have created in their minds you know?’’ Si debated while Renton disagreed. They stopped by a public park and sat on the swings while they kept talking and talking. It was around 7am and they weren’t even tired.

In a moment Si got that look on her face, Renton knew how to read every facial expression of her best friend since they were ten years old but she never could read that one. It was nostalgia? Sadness? A repressed anger? She didn’t know and she never asked, as it seemed to be so intimate for both because she never looked like that when other people were around.

She started singing ‘’Moon River’’ with a sad melody on her voice, trying to imitate Audrey Hepburn’s voice from Breakfast at Tifanny’s.

‘’Moon river, wilder than a mile….oh dream maker….you….heartbreaker….wherever you going, im going your way….’’ she looked at Renton and quickly, almost fast as lighting, gave her a quick kiss on the lips. And this time it wasn’t for money, it wasn’t for someone to see.

No awkward silence or an apologize or some silly excuse. She just smiled, they way she only smiled to Renton.

Renton felt on cloud nine, all the way back home they didn’t talk but they held hands, caressing each other with their thumbs.

They slept with their arms around each other, Si pajamas consisted on a Iggy Pop t-shirt and her underwear which send Renton’s mind down the ‘’I want to touch you and not like a friend’’ lane. But she was terrified on how Si would react, even if she had kissed her first.


When Rents woke up, Si was gone. She answered her texts with normalcy, which was a relief.

But Renton wanted more, she wanted to repeat it.

That was the first time she accepted she had a crush on her, and a big one, not a ‘’my bestfriend is soooo cute haha’’ kind of crush but a ‘’I would let her run over me with a car’’ kind of crush.

She loved her smell, the shape of her lips, her wit, her laugh, they way she licked his lips before telling a gossip, how she showed her dances she had learned on Instagram without any shame at all, she loved her shameless charm and her platinum hair and the way it looked like a cloud, she loved her terrible taste on the top40 pop-hits of the moment, she loved the dark circles around her eyes and all the good and bad that came along with her.

She would tell her, she would be honest and tell her ‘’I want more, I want you for me’’


They were sitting at a diner, a guy’s arm around Si’s shoulders. Out of the blue they were dating, she had met him the afternoon after she left Renton’s house, after the kiss.

She looked at him like she had won the lotto when the guy was average, Renton couldn’t believe what her eyes were seeing. But she did the best she had to do when Si came up with shit like this, she pretended.


Over the weeks the ‘’baby’’ ‘’sweetheart’’ ‘’love’’ ‘’beautiful’’ etc., had disappeared and been replaced with just a ‘’Rents’’ the calls were short, the movie nights were less and less often until they disappeared completely. Si was busy with this guy, Michael? Brando? Nicolo? Something like that. Renton didn’t bother in remembering.

The bruises on Si’s body were more and more notorious, something was terribly wrong at her house, but she didn’t run to Renton’s anymore.

She also looked more and more skinny, when Renton confront her about it, she got the silent treatment for a week.

‘’No room for people all over my business Rents’’ that was Si only explanation.

It hurt more than just losing all that got them together, it hurt the fact that Si wasn’t having a good time but she excelled pretending that she was having the best of times. It hurt not knowing how to help her best friend.


One night, Renton decided to go to her place, a visit wouldn’t hurt anyone. When she arrived she started to hear the screaming, her dad telling her she was a whore, that she was better off dead and all kinds of insults before Renton knocked at the door with such strength.


And then a loud and eerie scream.

‘’NO!’’ sounds of a bottle being smashed over someone or something. Renton pounding on the door until she decided to enter by Si’s bedroom window.

Si’s father was in shock, watching his daughter bleeding out in the floor. He had broke a bottle of vodka on her head, Renton started yelling at him while kneeling in front of Si and taking her phone out to call an ambulance.


Her father ran out of the scene fast as the devil. The ambulance arrived a couple minutes later, it was a heartbroken scene. Renton crying holding Si’s hand, her white hair tainted with blood, like red nail polish spilled over white paint. Si had bruises all over her body, her lip was broken and  she had a huge wound on her forehead with the bottle had hit her.


‘’I would be ugly now’’ she said later in the hospital, touching the band on her head that covered the wound. It would leave a scar, for sure.

Renton chuckled.

‘’You always look good, that has to be the least of your concerns’’

Si smiled sadly and reach out for Renton’s hand.

‘’Thank you, for basically saving my life’’

‘’We would always save each other’s life’’

Renton kissed his hand. A silent promise.

Out of the blue, Si started whispering.

‘’ ….oh dream maker….you….heartbreaker….wherever you going, im going your way….’’

She looked at Renton’s eyes and smiled, this time her smile didn’t had any secret meanings behind. It meant ‘’I remember, I remember singing that to you and kissing you, I remember’’.

Renton knew that didn’t matter the guys that came and go out of Si’s life because at the end of the day she would be the dream maker, the heartbreaker. And wherever Rents was going, Si was going that way.