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Your Necro Questions Answered

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Your Necro Questions Answered column from Deep Space Depravities Issue VDXLII: Curvaceous Cadet Cabin Fever!

ABrushWouldntHurt writes: Dear Nav, my necromancer seems to have no interest or ability to groom herself in a becoming way. I’ve bought her nice brushes and soaps and gels but she never takes the hint. I put a lot of effort into looking my best as a way to honor our house and our station, but I do not see my efforts being reflected in the grooming of my adept. What should I try next?

Dear Brush: Honestly, I would encourage you to just groom her yourself. Hear me out. It seems like you care a lot about appearances and your necro just doesn’t. Most people would probably tell you to use your words and tell her how you feel and ask her to compromise. Don’t bother. Your necro is showing you through her actions that brushing her hair is not a priority. Even if you asked her to do it and she agreed, she probably wouldn’t enjoy it and would also resent you. But you know who enjoys brushing hair? You do! If you really don’t have the time or inclination (but I’m guessing you do) to take over her daily grooming there are people you can pay to groom your necromancer who’ll do a good job, but I’d encourage you not to let someone get that bonding time with your necro, because that’s really what it is. I brush mine’s hair every day. It’s not very long and she could definitely do it on her own if she wanted, but she seems to like it more when I do it. Give it a go.

SunnyOutlook writes: Dear Nav, I have a two-part question. How much sun per day does the average necromancer need, and can it be indirect? It’s very hard to get mine outside, but I’m not sure luring him into sunny rooms is giving him the vitamin D he needs.

Dear Sunny: Necromancers need very little sunlight as long as they take advantage of the sun they do get to make vitamin D for themselves in an accelerated manner. Fifteen minutes of sun exposure total per day, direct or indirect*, is more than enough. This would require them to monitor their vitamin levels, though, so if you don’t think yours is doing that you might want to prompt him once in a while.

*Caveat: This advice does NOT apply to necromancers in the Sixth House. If you live on the Sixth, the correct amount of sunlight is ZERO unless you want your necromancer to be blinded and burned to a crisp simultaneously. If you live on the Sixth, you probably already knew that. Vitamin supplements and sun lamps are going to be it for you.

Speaking of, I had no idea when was the last time mine got any sun, so I asked her, and without missing a beat or looking up from her book she said, “You’re my sun.” Readers, this did not answer my question, but it did make me feel tingly inside.

Doubleblade writes: Dear Nav, I am writing to put it on public record that my necromancer once beat your necromancer at Scrabble 771 to 733 and is therefore smarter than your necromancer by 38 points. P.S. Your couples’ costume to the recent masquerade was, colloquially, weaksauce.

Dear Doubleblade: Piss off, Cam. How did you even get this past my editors?

Never mind, scratch that. Come fight me. You know where I live.

P.S. We were a “Funny Bone.” She was ‘a humerus’ and I was ‘humorous;’ I was telling jokes all evening, didn’t you get it? Oh, wait, you’d have to have a sense of humor for that. And what were you two supposed to be, spaghetti?

AmbivalentDuelist writes: Another necromancer insulted my necromancer, but my necromancer forbade me from challenging that necromancer’s cavalier to a duel for his honor. My friends say I should track the other cavalier down anyway and settle it cav to cav, but I don’t want to disobey my necro. What should I do?

Dear Ambivalent: You have to go fight the other cav. Those are the rules. See my reply to the above question.

And, okay, those are not the official rules, but they are the unofficial, unspoken, universally understood rules between cavs. If someone insults your necromancer, you must defend their honor with the strength and skill of your arm. Even if you lose, it’s enough that you made the attempt. Go get’m, tiger.

SoundOfSilence writes: Dear Nav, I feel like my necromancer and I don’t have anything in common and I’m not sure how to bond with them. They came from a different House and had a very different upbringing to mine. Increasingly, it feels like our time together is spent in uncomfortable silence as we fail to find ways to relate to one another.

Dear Silence: It sounds like you’re pretty early in your relationship and still getting to know one another. Eventually, you will have some shared experiences to talk about and conversation will be easier. In the meantime, maybe you should find something fun to learn to do together, like building model ships.

My necro and I have had to build a foundation, ourselves, given our let’s say ‘complicated’ history. Lately, we’ve been doing the weekly crossword from StarBust (I know they’re a rival publication but their puzzle section is actually quite good) together. And by together I mean she does the crossword while I cuddle her on the couch. Sometimes she offers to let me help (“You can get this one, Nav, the clue is ‘celestial orbs,’ five letters”) and I will do my honest best (“Boobs”) but she is usually disappointed in my answers (“I don’t know why I bother”).

Success Story of the Week!:

Dear Nav, in Deep Space Depravities Volume VDXL:Sword Goes Where?! I wrote to ask you about how to properly exercise my necromancer, who I thought was irritable as a result of a lack of physical activity, and you suggested daily walks. I’ve managed to work up to walking my necromancer twice a day with stunning results. Not only is my necro more healthful in body and mind, she has discovered a new a hobby, botany, which I like much better than her last one of dissecting rabbits. So many rabbits. So much blood. Anyway, thank you, Nav! Your column is a service to cavaliers everywhere!

That’s all for this week’s column!