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Never enough

Chapter Text

A motorbike is zooming down the street somewhere in the distance. The clock is ticking loudly in a very silent room as two grown men lie on one bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling, or at least that’s what guk’s doing.

 

After tae joo had exited the shower, guk had managed to put together two sandwiches while barely preventing himself from bursting into pieces. He had chosen the far opposite seat from where tae Joo was seated while they ate the sandwiches. However, this move wasn’t unnoticed by tae Joo who looked at him weirdly but didn’t say anything.  Guk had just helplessly torn the edges of the bread in sync with his anxiety, which tore his chest into a million tiny splinters, pricking and aching. 

After the meal, tae Joo had complained of being tired and without a word, guk had made arrangements for both of them, tae joo on the bed and guk on the couch. However, by the time guk returned from his nightly cleanup, the couch was already occupied and two bright but tired eyes looked up at him from under his worn blanket.

 

“uh I made arrangements for you in the room, you can take the bed” guk had said uncertainly.

 

“In all those years we spent together when have I ever let you take the couch while I sleep in the bed?” tae joo had asked half mumbled by the blanket but the message clear in his eyes, and that was the end of all arguments wasn’t it.

 

So now they were here lying in the dark, guk barely breathing and his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He knew tae Joo wasn’t sleeping either by the way he was constantly fidgeting and sighing.

 

Tae Joo lets out what must be the hundredth, sigh in the past half an hour they’ve been pretending to sleep and turns around to lie on his back, his hands on his sides, the barely-there touch ghosting at guk’s thigh, cinching the material and igniting guk’s insides.

Realizing it was now or never, guk stretches out his hands and places them closer to Tae Joo’s own hands, their pinkies overlapping. If guk was almost dying from them both just being in the bed, he is positively disintegrated by now. It gets hard to breathe but he doesn’t remove his hand.

 

There is a quiet gasp beside him and guk revels in the fact that tae joo, if not as much as him, is similarly affected. The world collapses around him and the weight of his thoughts and desires weighs down on his chest, it constricts.

He thinks maybe this is how poetry is written, the words assembled and extracted from every sigh and whimper, the thought unbidden and baseless, just like most of his thoughts are now.

 

He takes a deep breath and lies still, eye-watering with how wide they are open, viewing and anticipating. Tae Joo turns his head towards him, the pillow dents beneath his head, a gust of warm air washes over guks face, calming him, a slow stir.

 

When he was a teenage boy, just barely, voice breaking and nuances of growth a little overwhelming and a little too visible for his liking he was peer pressured into watching an adult movie he didn’t want to watch. That evening tae Joo had stolen the CD from their classmate’s bag and had coerced guk to stay silent which had extended guk to be his accomplice in a crime he had no part in.

 

That night hidden in the guest room, curtains shut tight despite the darkness of the night; tae Joo had played the CD. Guk still remembers the actors and the pathetic acting and exaggerated sounds. He doesn’t quite remember their faces or the concept story behind the video, but it would take a couple of more lifetimes for him to erase tae Joo’s face from his memory.

 

The red and blue light danced on his delicate enraptured face, his jaw lifted, his lips distanced, his eyes swimming with arousal, tae joo looked like a dream, an untouchable dream that guk didn’t want to wake up from. Guk remembers the burn on his skin from his nails digging too deep to prevent himself from reaching out, crossing the line, finally stepping over the fragile thread strung with tension. He remembers the sudden and fleeting courage that had burst through him, flowing like ecstasy in his veins, the darkness igniting and crashing at his ribs and then tae joo had looked at him, just slightly and then completely and the river of stupid bravery retreated so quickly he was left nauseous.  The rest of it is foggy and the memory line is scanty and jagged but Tae Joo’s face, oh his face, painted with red and blue flashes, a parted sinful mouth and his eyes, fuck his eyes, hooded and begging, it was too much. Tae Joo’s face was art, a masterpiece, guk keeps it close, framed and loved in his mind.

 

Tae Joo is looking at him now like he did all those years ago. A heavy rock slides down guks throat and settles solid and aching in his stomach, a fuel, setting every part it passes through on fire. He closes his eyes, if it’s a dream he doesn’t want to wake up from it. There is a whisper of a touch on his cheeks, fingertips glide across the bridge of his nose, down past his jaw, catching on the stubble, itching and tickling. He opens his eyes and finds an intense pair of eyes staring right back at him, searching and asking, pleading and demanding. His inhibitions slip past him like quicksand and the desire ascends the throne, slowly but powerfully. He moves his fingers to the melody of their breathing over tae Joo’s shoulder, which is rising and falling unsteadily. The dance ends at his neck, the pulse shaking in high-strung vibrato, anticipating and captivated. He places his lips where his fingers were and the chest under him caves in a hitch. He pulls back to look at tae joo then, not asking no, just informing. Tae Joo circles his arms around his neck, caging him in like he needed to be caged, already a prisoner enslaved by a single touch, a look. Guk rises on his arms and looms over tae Joo, towering, encompassing him, wanting to consume but waiting. Tae Joo is staring at him, not saying anything and his breath coming out in shallow gusts.

 

He gently walks his fingertips over from his neck to his ear and rests them there all the while looking at guk and guk loses it, the final straw cracks and breaks in two and he crashes his mouth onto tae joo. He doesn’t wait for tae joo to adjust or get used to it and just takes what he wants because all they did was wait and wait and he doesn’t think he can anymore. Tae Joo opens beautifully under him, so soft and pliant, his mouth unravelling with every breath and whimper. Soon, guk is atop tae Joo, resting between tae Joo’s thighs, pressed from chest to hip. Tae Joo’s hands travel down his back and then quickly back up to tangle in his hair. Guk clutches Tae Joo’s hip and plunges his tongue into tae Joo’s mouth. He feels like his brain has detached from his body and is floating, foggy and intoxicated. He moves his knees and rests them near tae joos’ and rises up straddling him, never separating from him. Guk sits firmly on tae joo’s thighs and tae joo sits up, chasing his mouth, the touch, the yearning, so heady that it makes guk yank at the hair at tae joo’s nape tilting his head back, mouth open in a surprised gasp, eyes blinking staring up at him.

 

It makes him wonder, the time they’ve spent apart, then of the time spent together and not touching and then of the time they did but with hesitance, with fear and now he’s here. They haven’t properly done anything yet, fully clothed, skin concealed beneath layers and here he is losing his mind. Back arched, head resting on guk’s fingers tae joo stares and stares, the lust brims past his eyelashes and guk reaches with his other hand and cautiously slides it beneath his shirt. As soon as his fingers touch the warm skin both of them stop breathing and tae joos arms start trembling from where he is holding his body, at guks submission.

 

“pl-please” tae joo whispers, and its so soft and so hoarse and the onslaught of emotions and desire ricochets inside guk and crashes against his bones, forcing him to close his eyes, hide, breathe, just breathe for a fucking second. With a jerk he pulls away his hands and tae joo falls back on the bed, still looking up but now the hunger is slowly ebbing away being replaced by fear, the terror of insecurity begins covering what was once there. However, guk really couldn’t let that happen now can he?

 

Three years. Three years he had waited for this.

 

In one sweep he discards his shirt and it feels likes he’s just returned from a marathon. Tae joo looks at him and a weird sort of relief settles over his features, guk doesn’t think its humanly possible to want someone this much. He doesn’t know what the future holds for them but right now, in this moment its just them and that’s all he’s ever wanted. He can spend a lifetime reliving this moment, even if they stop here and go to bed, he would be satisfied.

 

He tugs at the end of tae joo’s shirt and he lifts up and takes it off. His mouth waters at the sight before him. Tae joo lies below him, chest heaving, hair fanned out across the pillow, eyes blown wide with lust, hungrily roaming over guks body and his hands reaching out. When cool fingertips touch his stomach and gently glide over to his chest he forgets his name and his back arches, giving over, urging the touch to slide deeper, asking to burrow and reach his soul and stay there.

 

At the back of his mind he feels so stupid and embarrassed because his inexperience must be so prominent to tae joo. His reactions and how he is affected even with the smallest of touches. And then

 

And then tae joo wiggles his hip and the ceiling crashes on guks shoulders. The weight of the emotions overwhelms and he sobs at how ridiculously good it feels. He presses his palms on tae joo chest and bends over to press his mouth to tae joo’s.

 

There develops a rhythm even before he realizes. There are hands in his hair scratching and tangling, indecisive. His face is pressed at tae joo neck, whimpers spilling unbidden, uncontrollable. Nails dig at his back and trace a cruel, unbelievably arousing path to his ribs and rest there. A sob echoes in his ear and he lifts his head and his face is so extremely close to tae joos face that he sees nothing else except two black pools of want and his hips are propelled as though hypnotized with renewed vigor. A punishing pace is set, a race, chasing and withdrawing and pushing till the breaking point. He reaches for tae joo’s fingers, untangling them from his hair and intertwining them with his own.  The fact that they are still wearing pants doesn’t deter the movement at all.

 

The tension gathers in his finger and his chest feels alight with longing and desperation. He breathes into tae joo’s mouth and the hint of tongue at his lips breaks him to pieces. He comes so hard he doesn’t think he would recover from it.

 

When he comes to, he finds himself lying on a warm body, his lower half uncomfortably wet and sticky and mashed to something equally wet and sticky. A hand runs along his back and then gently cards through his hair, patting at it, waiting. He lifts his head up and finds a charming smile directed towards him. The sweetness so attractive that it pulls a smile of his own and he lifts up to lie beside tae joo. Belatedly he feels sorry for tae joo’s thigh and for completely crushing his body under his bulldozer shaped body, but then soft lips brush his and all thoughts fly out the window and his focus brought down only to press of lips on his. He opens his eyes to find tae joo looking at him and hes so lost in the fondness he finds there that he almost misses what he says.

 

“Stop thinking” he says, smiling, the weird sort of joy in those two words beckons guk to press some more kisses to tae joo’s face.

 

“ Uh it wasn’t really uh great but—“ guk stutters and really shouldn’t he have thought through what he wanted to say before opening his mouth? Fuck. The awkwardness drips in like boiling water and he wants to cover himself or run and he’s just about to apologize when tae joo, presses his palm to the side of guk’s face, his fingers finding the comfort of guks ear.  He scoots closer and his lips come to rest on guks chin, just breathing him in.

 

“It was perfect. You are perfect.” He mummers to the skin and nibbles and guk just melts with so much feeling because which fucking dimension has he been thrown in where tae joo cuddles closer to him and whispers sweet nothings in his ears.

 

“Tell me”

 

tae joo stops pressing kisses to his jaw to look up. He smiles. If tae joo wants guk to live a little longer he should stop smiling up at him like he hung the moon and constructed the Eiffel tower brick by brick single-handed. Yup and he should do it just about now.

 

“Tell you what?”

 

“what do you feel for me?” and no guk is not among those sentimental fools, neither is he among the oblivious and ignorant idiots, seeking reassurance. He doesn’t know why he asks that and why now. He really has no clue what he had meant to ask and what he had asked instead. He doesn’t even know what he expects to hear. It comes out heavier than he had intend to and then he realises that the emotions lodged in his throat are now sewing a mesh and the desperation, the need to know rises up, threatening.

 

“tell me” he begs once more, eyes never leaving tae joo’s.

 

maybe the present guk doesn’t know the origin of the things spilling from his lips, but he thinks the guk, left abandoned, a wreck of a man, broken and aching, would’ve liked to know.

 

“I love you” tae joo whispers and moves his mouth to guks where he whispers it again and again till it diffuses through his skin and settles at the fragile corners of his heart. His eyes are filling he knows, they are filling fast, but despite it all he braves a look at tae joo. A question draws across his eyes and creases at the corner of his lips. The tears fall past his eyes and rests on tae joo’s cheeks like dew.

 

“and I never stopped” guk replies, his voice thick with all the things shelved and shackled, with everything he doesn’t have the courage to say.

 

“and I never stopped loving you” he whispers once more and he will for the rest of their lives, every minute of every day if that’s what tae joo wanted. He gathers tae joo in his arms and tightens him against his chest, heart to heart, soul to soul.